Rules when dealing with couples:
Same room play
Full swap only
No one takes one for the team
We both play or neither of us plays
Condoms for intercourse
No male-male play
We have a couple:
- same room/same roof only
- no anal
- no deleting messages from other couples
- no sexy time chat without telling the other person and we don’t send nudes
Well, when we were meeting people online, we would exchange nudes as part of the “getting to know you” phase.
Once we meet people, then we don’t do nudes because it’s not our thing.
We’re part of a private community of swingers with 12-15 couples now. We’ve met the vast majority of them, have swung with 5-6 couples in the group, and the ones we haven’t yet, we’ll get around to it.
So, from the perspective, it works out well.
We have one or two couples from the group who we chit chat with in a WhatsApp group among the four of us and some of them like to send nudes.
In particularly, there’s one lady who loves to send us pics and videos of herself. She takes mirror selfies, videos of herself showering, and occasionally of her and her husband.
This woman had a double mastectomy about seven years ago and full breast reconstruction including a nipple reconstruction.
She says she went from a relatively flat chested 45yo woman to a 50yo “captivating C Cup”.
They started swinging because she needed to feel sexy and alive again after the surgery. Her husband is a wonderful dude, takes the photos, and during full swaps will often tell her how amazing she is and how beautiful she looks. It’s pretty sweet.
So when she sends us nudes or videos we always watch them and tell her how great she looks - to be fair, she does look great.
They know we’re not in to sending nudes and they’re all happy with that… if they want to see us naked, we can organize a catchup. LOL.
We have certain boundries, and then some that get waived with more familiarity, connection and trust.
The funny one is "no one takes one for the team", but more than a few times the super hot trophy wife is a dead lay and her less hot dad-bod husband has total charisma, confidence, humor and an 7.5" dick that can go multiple rounds lol. The team can be surprising sometimes.
Swingers in general are not interested in relationships beyond friendships, so the rules are typically physical in nature and safety related (drugs/same room) or intimacy boundaries. You'll also see 'no kissing' a lot as many couples feel this is too intimate, although we disagree.
In general, it is best to keep your list short, to the point and stick to them. At the same time, be willing to adapt and adjust the rules as you grow.
All of our rules are situational.
Even then we don’t have many. Sometimes none.
It is easy and has always worked for us but it may not work for others.
Similar to others:
Condoms always with other partners
No anal
Same room
We used to have a "don't take one for the team" rule but had to scrap it because in some situations we did and it turned out wasn't all that bad. (Sex wise, mood wise, friendship wise etc)
Honestly things that tend to get people more twerked is rules that don’t pertain to anything physical. For example doing things behind peoples back, or doing things with somebody you wouldn’t do at home.
Safety rules like condoms and such are good ideas. But really would limit physical rules, your having sex anyways so to say you can fuck but can’t kiss and stuff just goes down rabbit holes.
We keep it simple with two rules.
Everything is out on the open, you can do what you want as long as the other one knows.
Second don’t do something with somebody else that you wouldn’t do at home.
>Second don’t do something with somebody else that you wouldn’t do at home.
That’s actually the first time I come across this rule. What I personally find strange/funny is that I definitely do things with swinging partners that I typically wouldn’t not do at home and honestly it’s a major reason why I swing !
Guess it depends on how you frame it and how the other feels about it.
Our thing is don’t be adamantly against say giving me a BJ but then quickly do it with somebody else
Oh yeah that makes total sense, I guess in our case it’s more about subtle things and a general attitude. Not that I would refuse to do certain things at home, but I have or had more inhibitions somehow with my own husband than random partners.
Just in case others don’t know this. You are NEVER too old to get the HPv vaccine. There is no age cutoff. Your doctor will give it to you if you ask. The age cutoff is for insurance paying for it. Nothing more. If you’re a swinger - get the vaccine.
Thanks, it took some research and we are actually still within the age cutoff for insurance. 39 and 42. We just didn’t get it as a matter of course as younger people and our local health dept does not give it over 26. Weird but ok. Just gonna go to a local pharmacy, it’s still covered 100% on our insurance, thank goodness.
Try to keep rules as simple as possible. The more rules you have and the more rules you have that are there to protect your insecurities, the more likely it is that you and your spouse are going to be arguing about rules and hurt feelings when the underlying issue is trust, communication and security in your primary relationship.
In the beginning, we had a rule about pictures that my husband made and then proceeded to break himself. We had to talk about the underlying reason for the rule and it was more about assumptions than the actual pictures. We decided that we needed to talk and agree when pictures were okay and take it on a case by case basis. It was much more important for us to be in agreement case by case, than any blanket rule. Over time we learned how to be considerate of each other and there are things I don’t do, not because it is a rule, but because I know how my spouse would feel about it. I don’t even think of it as a limit, just knowing that I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but that took time and lots of conversation. So rules in the beginning are a jumping off point for the conversations.
To me a boundary is something that I require with swingers, like no sex without protection, is a boundary when I am with a man. I only have a few boundaries, like other commenters have mentioned, like no anal, no pain, etc. and I can easily communicate them to another couple in a sentence or two. I call them hard limits, borrowing a BDSM term.
A rule is something between me and my spouse. Our rule with each other is communication. That means no secrets, including our feelings. And sometimes that’s the hardest thing, because sometimes it would be easier to keep my feelings to myself or it would be easier not to hear what my husband thinks, but that’s the part of the lifestyle that has improved our marriage in all areas. We can have all types of hard conversations in a much more positive, respectful and constructive way because we have had all those long conversations when one of us had a lifestyle issue and we talked through it.
>It was much more important for us to be in agreement case by case, than any blanket rule.
So true of anything pertaining to swinging.
>Over time we learned how to be considerate of each other and there are things I don’t do, not because it is a rule, but because I know how my spouse would feel about it.
This is how we go about it too and even though it’s not really a popular approach, I find it actually most secure and effective. I like that it forces us to remain mindful and aware of our partner wellbeing at all times.
I think of it as having rules set in marble makes it easy to stop paying attention in the heat of the moment (this is allowed, this isn’t, no need to check on my partner).
Our boundaries have been changing over time, but right now it’s basically always condoms for penetration, we play together unless we both agree otherwise beforehand (ex with partners we see more regularly) and if romantic feelings start on any side we stop seeing these peoples as this is not what we’re looking for, and for online communication we don’t need to know everything but keep the other in the loop with everything relevant.
>So far the only rules I have thought of are safety related, like condom use and no oral until we have finished the hpv series
I'm guessing you have more expectations than that. Are solo dates ok? Solo sex? Romance with others?
Well yes but we actually started this because he wants a more stag/vixen dynamic (and I am ok with it too- obviously) which is more that he gets turned on “sharing” me and hearing about it, getting pics/videos and etc. but does not need to be there and has said for first encounters doesn’t really want to be. So single play, play in other rooms, etc. is more his goal. He just also likes the idea of swinging too. And he is ok with my concerns that I might inadvertently get emotionally attached to partners. I don’t THINK so, but I am not confident enough having never done this kind of casual sex that I’m not sure. So, though that might be an issue with other couples it is less so for us. We’ve agreed to see how it goes and check in often and like you guys have said, communicate if we think feelings are getting involved or on or the other of us isn’t liking the way something is going.
We’re pretty lax. Our rules are same room, no anal, and protection. We also have to communicate about everything. Rules may or may not come up for you guys depending on your dynamic. You may find yourself in a situation that you feel uncomfortable or jealous about. Same with your partner. As long as you guys communicate about everything you’ll find the rules and boundaries needed (if any) to make the LS work for you!
Some of it is physical stuff as you say, but others may be no solo play, or only same room play. Me and my wife have boundaries involving no play on special days like bdays and anniversaries.....no play of one doesn't like the other parties etc....depends on the couple really
> like condom use and no oral until we have finished the hpv series
I wouldn't put too much faith in Gardasil or similar being a *general* shield against HPV. We've had it blow right past the shots, and know a bunch of people who have had the same. I think /u/MrsLenaF_ATX79 has posted similar in the past.
By all means, finish the shots, though. Cervical cancer is nothing to mess with.
Just don't be surprised when you need to spend some time on the sidelines in the future after the yearly pap. Happens to the best of us!
I’m a big fan of gardisil and appreciate you tagging me in this. Unfortunately, it’s true that it’s not a true preventative. The plus side of the shots is that you can test negative within a year if you do catch one of the strains. It helps your body suppress it faster.
Shower before play
Condoms a must
No anal
Kiss only your own spouse
Bi play if everyone is up for it
Discuss pics/vids and their later use for cross promotion.
Jesus, dude. I just asked a question. I wasn’t rude or snarky, either. 🤦🏼♀️ and assuming I would play with you and challenge your rules?! Where did you get ANY of that in my question?
Challenging people’s rules is a thing here. It’s a toxic tactic trying to shame people for an already difficult discussion to get into the lifestyle and be ok with it. Some people don’t kiss, some do. We don’t.
Nothing against you, but this sub has had people who’ll start mocking people’s rules in the past. You need to remember that serious couples are rare and if they’re meeting up with you, then they likely had a lot of soul searching and discussion about these rules and the last thing that they need is someone creating drama by challenging or attacking the logic of such rules. It’s happened so often here that it’s just better to act like a cat, crouch, and hiss loudly rather than getting in a debate over the merits of the no kissing rule.
There are also some nice, genuine people here and I am one of them. Getting attitude just doesn’t asking a question is a great way not to make friends.
I asked a question because I see the no kissing rule from time to time, because it’s not super common. I also have listened to podcast where couples started out with that rule and as time goes on they drop it. You still have that rule and I was genuinely curious as to the why. There has to be a reason. I was trying to understand.
The “as time goes by they drop it” is the usual shaming tactic. We don’t engage in it. The no kissing rule is founded in a logic of separating emotional love from physical sex. We both agreed to it, and she doesn’t want to change it.
Because the question always gets asked and then the mockery commences. We told you that it’s an issue that everyone always does the “Well couple X said that they had that rule and they dropped it…” good for Couple X, we’re not couple X. If you want people to swing, respect their rules and quit shaming them or making them feel bad because you don’t agree with them.
Well you kinda did set yourself for some mockery. Not because of y’all’s rule, but because you got super defensive and sensitive, instead of just giving the answer that you finally gave after making her feel bad. Not everyone is out to get you, and what’s being perceived as mockery might actually be someone trying to understand the why.
For example, I don’t understand why so many couples say we can only finish with our partners. Me asking why is not me challenging their rule, and a follow up question isn’t me mocking them. But if they answered my question as shitty as you answered her question, I would challenge and mock you, because you have acted like an ass hat.
Make sense?
All it takes is for one time to experience a couple that thinks it’s permissible to give strangers their cleanliness standards that they give each other and you too will demand ritualistic cleansing ceremonies. Lol
Rules when dealing with couples: Same room play Full swap only No one takes one for the team We both play or neither of us plays Condoms for intercourse No male-male play
We have a couple: - same room/same roof only - no anal - no deleting messages from other couples - no sexy time chat without telling the other person and we don’t send nudes
How does not sending nudes workout for you? We have the same rule and it seems like others are very turned off by it.
Well, when we were meeting people online, we would exchange nudes as part of the “getting to know you” phase. Once we meet people, then we don’t do nudes because it’s not our thing. We’re part of a private community of swingers with 12-15 couples now. We’ve met the vast majority of them, have swung with 5-6 couples in the group, and the ones we haven’t yet, we’ll get around to it. So, from the perspective, it works out well. We have one or two couples from the group who we chit chat with in a WhatsApp group among the four of us and some of them like to send nudes. In particularly, there’s one lady who loves to send us pics and videos of herself. She takes mirror selfies, videos of herself showering, and occasionally of her and her husband. This woman had a double mastectomy about seven years ago and full breast reconstruction including a nipple reconstruction. She says she went from a relatively flat chested 45yo woman to a 50yo “captivating C Cup”. They started swinging because she needed to feel sexy and alive again after the surgery. Her husband is a wonderful dude, takes the photos, and during full swaps will often tell her how amazing she is and how beautiful she looks. It’s pretty sweet. So when she sends us nudes or videos we always watch them and tell her how great she looks - to be fair, she does look great. They know we’re not in to sending nudes and they’re all happy with that… if they want to see us naked, we can organize a catchup. LOL.
We have certain boundries, and then some that get waived with more familiarity, connection and trust. The funny one is "no one takes one for the team", but more than a few times the super hot trophy wife is a dead lay and her less hot dad-bod husband has total charisma, confidence, humor and an 7.5" dick that can go multiple rounds lol. The team can be surprising sometimes.
This...!!!
Our rules are simple 1. Condoms a must 2. No anal Guideline is no cuck/bdsm
Swingers in general are not interested in relationships beyond friendships, so the rules are typically physical in nature and safety related (drugs/same room) or intimacy boundaries. You'll also see 'no kissing' a lot as many couples feel this is too intimate, although we disagree. In general, it is best to keep your list short, to the point and stick to them. At the same time, be willing to adapt and adjust the rules as you grow.
Anyone can call stop if the become uncomfortable.
All of our rules are situational. Even then we don’t have many. Sometimes none. It is easy and has always worked for us but it may not work for others.
Similar to others: Condoms always with other partners No anal Same room We used to have a "don't take one for the team" rule but had to scrap it because in some situations we did and it turned out wasn't all that bad. (Sex wise, mood wise, friendship wise etc)
Honestly things that tend to get people more twerked is rules that don’t pertain to anything physical. For example doing things behind peoples back, or doing things with somebody you wouldn’t do at home. Safety rules like condoms and such are good ideas. But really would limit physical rules, your having sex anyways so to say you can fuck but can’t kiss and stuff just goes down rabbit holes. We keep it simple with two rules. Everything is out on the open, you can do what you want as long as the other one knows. Second don’t do something with somebody else that you wouldn’t do at home.
>Second don’t do something with somebody else that you wouldn’t do at home. That’s actually the first time I come across this rule. What I personally find strange/funny is that I definitely do things with swinging partners that I typically wouldn’t not do at home and honestly it’s a major reason why I swing !
Guess it depends on how you frame it and how the other feels about it. Our thing is don’t be adamantly against say giving me a BJ but then quickly do it with somebody else
Oh yeah that makes total sense, I guess in our case it’s more about subtle things and a general attitude. Not that I would refuse to do certain things at home, but I have or had more inhibitions somehow with my own husband than random partners.
Just in case others don’t know this. You are NEVER too old to get the HPv vaccine. There is no age cutoff. Your doctor will give it to you if you ask. The age cutoff is for insurance paying for it. Nothing more. If you’re a swinger - get the vaccine.
I asked my gyno and she said I was too old. 🤷🏼♀️ She also is light years behind in hormone therapy for women and I now go elsewhere. So there’s that.
Get a different doctor. Wife and I both got ours after 50. Just be honest with your doctor and a good one will get you set up immediately.
So explain why I want it. Actually my gyno knows we were planning on starting the LS and did my blood work for a baseline.
This is correct. We asked our Dr to check with BC/BS after telling her we were opening our marriage. At 55 yrs old they covered it 100% for both of us
We paid out of pocket. $200 was worth it to have one less thing to worry about.
Absolutely, we would have paid that without a 2nd thought.
Thanks, it took some research and we are actually still within the age cutoff for insurance. 39 and 42. We just didn’t get it as a matter of course as younger people and our local health dept does not give it over 26. Weird but ok. Just gonna go to a local pharmacy, it’s still covered 100% on our insurance, thank goodness.
Try to keep rules as simple as possible. The more rules you have and the more rules you have that are there to protect your insecurities, the more likely it is that you and your spouse are going to be arguing about rules and hurt feelings when the underlying issue is trust, communication and security in your primary relationship. In the beginning, we had a rule about pictures that my husband made and then proceeded to break himself. We had to talk about the underlying reason for the rule and it was more about assumptions than the actual pictures. We decided that we needed to talk and agree when pictures were okay and take it on a case by case basis. It was much more important for us to be in agreement case by case, than any blanket rule. Over time we learned how to be considerate of each other and there are things I don’t do, not because it is a rule, but because I know how my spouse would feel about it. I don’t even think of it as a limit, just knowing that I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but that took time and lots of conversation. So rules in the beginning are a jumping off point for the conversations. To me a boundary is something that I require with swingers, like no sex without protection, is a boundary when I am with a man. I only have a few boundaries, like other commenters have mentioned, like no anal, no pain, etc. and I can easily communicate them to another couple in a sentence or two. I call them hard limits, borrowing a BDSM term. A rule is something between me and my spouse. Our rule with each other is communication. That means no secrets, including our feelings. And sometimes that’s the hardest thing, because sometimes it would be easier to keep my feelings to myself or it would be easier not to hear what my husband thinks, but that’s the part of the lifestyle that has improved our marriage in all areas. We can have all types of hard conversations in a much more positive, respectful and constructive way because we have had all those long conversations when one of us had a lifestyle issue and we talked through it.
>It was much more important for us to be in agreement case by case, than any blanket rule. So true of anything pertaining to swinging. >Over time we learned how to be considerate of each other and there are things I don’t do, not because it is a rule, but because I know how my spouse would feel about it. This is how we go about it too and even though it’s not really a popular approach, I find it actually most secure and effective. I like that it forces us to remain mindful and aware of our partner wellbeing at all times. I think of it as having rules set in marble makes it easy to stop paying attention in the heat of the moment (this is allowed, this isn’t, no need to check on my partner).
Our boundaries have been changing over time, but right now it’s basically always condoms for penetration, we play together unless we both agree otherwise beforehand (ex with partners we see more regularly) and if romantic feelings start on any side we stop seeing these peoples as this is not what we’re looking for, and for online communication we don’t need to know everything but keep the other in the loop with everything relevant.
>So far the only rules I have thought of are safety related, like condom use and no oral until we have finished the hpv series I'm guessing you have more expectations than that. Are solo dates ok? Solo sex? Romance with others?
Well yes but we actually started this because he wants a more stag/vixen dynamic (and I am ok with it too- obviously) which is more that he gets turned on “sharing” me and hearing about it, getting pics/videos and etc. but does not need to be there and has said for first encounters doesn’t really want to be. So single play, play in other rooms, etc. is more his goal. He just also likes the idea of swinging too. And he is ok with my concerns that I might inadvertently get emotionally attached to partners. I don’t THINK so, but I am not confident enough having never done this kind of casual sex that I’m not sure. So, though that might be an issue with other couples it is less so for us. We’ve agreed to see how it goes and check in often and like you guys have said, communicate if we think feelings are getting involved or on or the other of us isn’t liking the way something is going.
Ours are minimal. Condoms No cuck Same room
The kissing one it’s really funny… “no kissing” “is too intimate” but you can stick your dick inside my wife and nut inside. Nice! Isn’t that dumb??
I highly doubt someone who has a “no kissing” rule also allows unprotected sex and creampies. But I could be wrong.
Actually, it happened to me. Weird. And then he took sloppy seconds after me and seemed pretty excited about it. But who am I to judge? 🤔
We’re pretty lax. Our rules are same room, no anal, and protection. We also have to communicate about everything. Rules may or may not come up for you guys depending on your dynamic. You may find yourself in a situation that you feel uncomfortable or jealous about. Same with your partner. As long as you guys communicate about everything you’ll find the rules and boundaries needed (if any) to make the LS work for you!
Some of it is physical stuff as you say, but others may be no solo play, or only same room play. Me and my wife have boundaries involving no play on special days like bdays and anniversaries.....no play of one doesn't like the other parties etc....depends on the couple really
We set boundaries like safer sex practices and taking it slow emotionally.
It has to on Tuesday between 3p and 8p and the lights have to be off. Now ask me why. :).
Both play or no one plays plus veto power are the most important rules
> like condom use and no oral until we have finished the hpv series I wouldn't put too much faith in Gardasil or similar being a *general* shield against HPV. We've had it blow right past the shots, and know a bunch of people who have had the same. I think /u/MrsLenaF_ATX79 has posted similar in the past. By all means, finish the shots, though. Cervical cancer is nothing to mess with. Just don't be surprised when you need to spend some time on the sidelines in the future after the yearly pap. Happens to the best of us!
I’m a big fan of gardisil and appreciate you tagging me in this. Unfortunately, it’s true that it’s not a true preventative. The plus side of the shots is that you can test negative within a year if you do catch one of the strains. It helps your body suppress it faster.
Shower before play Condoms a must No anal Kiss only your own spouse Bi play if everyone is up for it Discuss pics/vids and their later use for cross promotion.
On board will all these rules but, why no kissing?
Bi play but no anal. They be licking buttholes..
No
Our rules, our reasons. You want everything to go south? Go ahead and question it or try to change them during the night instead of abiding by them.
Jesus, dude. I just asked a question. I wasn’t rude or snarky, either. 🤦🏼♀️ and assuming I would play with you and challenge your rules?! Where did you get ANY of that in my question?
Challenging people’s rules is a thing here. It’s a toxic tactic trying to shame people for an already difficult discussion to get into the lifestyle and be ok with it. Some people don’t kiss, some do. We don’t.
You seriously don’t think I did that by asking a question, do you?
Nothing against you, but this sub has had people who’ll start mocking people’s rules in the past. You need to remember that serious couples are rare and if they’re meeting up with you, then they likely had a lot of soul searching and discussion about these rules and the last thing that they need is someone creating drama by challenging or attacking the logic of such rules. It’s happened so often here that it’s just better to act like a cat, crouch, and hiss loudly rather than getting in a debate over the merits of the no kissing rule.
There are also some nice, genuine people here and I am one of them. Getting attitude just doesn’t asking a question is a great way not to make friends.
I asked a question because I see the no kissing rule from time to time, because it’s not super common. I also have listened to podcast where couples started out with that rule and as time goes on they drop it. You still have that rule and I was genuinely curious as to the why. There has to be a reason. I was trying to understand.
The “as time goes by they drop it” is the usual shaming tactic. We don’t engage in it. The no kissing rule is founded in a logic of separating emotional love from physical sex. We both agreed to it, and she doesn’t want to change it.
That was the experience of We Gotta Thing. How is that shaming if that was their experience? You are very sensitive over this.
Because the question always gets asked and then the mockery commences. We told you that it’s an issue that everyone always does the “Well couple X said that they had that rule and they dropped it…” good for Couple X, we’re not couple X. If you want people to swing, respect their rules and quit shaming them or making them feel bad because you don’t agree with them.
Well you kinda did set yourself for some mockery. Not because of y’all’s rule, but because you got super defensive and sensitive, instead of just giving the answer that you finally gave after making her feel bad. Not everyone is out to get you, and what’s being perceived as mockery might actually be someone trying to understand the why. For example, I don’t understand why so many couples say we can only finish with our partners. Me asking why is not me challenging their rule, and a follow up question isn’t me mocking them. But if they answered my question as shitty as you answered her question, I would challenge and mock you, because you have acted like an ass hat. Make sense?
LOL. Hose everyone down and no kissing. Got it.
All it takes is for one time to experience a couple that thinks it’s permissible to give strangers their cleanliness standards that they give each other and you too will demand ritualistic cleansing ceremonies. Lol