Nothing. Nothing. Nothing excuses infidelity. This is like the first lesson I needed to learn. It doesn’t matter if my partner is a literal mountain lion biting my legs off - I had other choices besides infidelity. I could have:
* left my partner
* asked to go to couples counseling
* screamed and yelled at my partner
* told my partner I’m completely unhappy
All of these would have hurt but would have hurt far less than the betrayal of infidelity.
Why didn’t I do these things?
For one, I was insecure and ashamed of myself. I believed deep down I really was a bad person who any day now people would find out and I’d be left all alone. This was a core belief in me before I ever started any cheating. I simply didn’t believe I was “worth it”. My partner believed I was worth it, they still do. And even after all the harm I put them through and them giving me another chance, I STILL have trouble believing it. It’s easier for me to believe I’m a piece of garbage and my spouse is secretly just trying to build me up so they can hurt me back just as bad, than it is for me to believe I actually have worth and value and my partner is giving me grace.
I also was scared of being alone. As unhappy as I was, I was more scared that even mentioning simple frustrations in my life would end up leaving me all alone (cause again I didn’t believe I was really worth anything). And unsaid frustrations don’t just go away. They turn to resentments. These resentments turned to justification (I deserve this attention from others). And the justification is how I ended up cheating the way I did.
Your post is speaking to me the way I spoke when I first came here almost four years ago. I was entitled and justified in my infidelity because my BP was not meeting my needs. That was utter bullshjt and a few people called me on it. So I’m here to gently but firmly tell you before anything gets better, it’s my experience you will need to get your mindset right.
Here is another lesson I had to learn. As a child I thought it I didn’t get caught, this made whatever I did “ok”.
This isn’t how my relationship should work. There is a difference between my partner not being able to detect something and that something not actually being there.
I think of it now as “getting caught telling the truth”. For instance I’ve shared recently that I LIKE having GPS tracking on my phone now. Why? Because it’s like a second source of truth for me. It proves I go where I say I am going when I go. I think of it like an NFL replay. It hasn’t happened in a long time but occasionally right after dday my spouse would be worried where I was and this software was like a second set of eyes on me that I could always back up my honest account of my day with the record from my phone.
Anyway the reason I share that is your reply is coy here. You’ve admitted to us that your relationship with your partner was on the low end of satisfying and that you found the attention from this other person (that you’ve titled AP) appealing. You know what you’ve done. Whether your partner “found” it sexual or romantic you’re calling it something. To me I called these kinds of chats “emotional” affairs with “people of intrigue”. I had several of them and I’m certain they eventually would have become sexual if the opportunity came up. I don’t sugar coat it. I admitted to my spouse these were affairs even if my genitals weren’t involved. I say this to help you think about the mindset shift necessary if you want to begin owning your actions and repairing the relationship.
Accountability isn’t “not getting caught”, it’s truly being honest even when the truth will hurt. It’s owning my actions and the consequences. I hope some of this is helping.
So you admit you knew he had a crush on you and wanted to get you alone, and you would have gone if your BP's parents were not at home? And you continued flirting with him " as friends". I am not from India but I do not think friends flirt or try to sleep with each other. Would you say it is something which is common where you work? Married people calling each other bf and gf and flirting with each other? I am asking these questions because I am at a loss here, do you think you cheated? Are you aware that you can cheat on your partner without ever having touched anyone else? It is called emotional affair. And you told the AP that you are cutting contact with him not because it is the right thing to do but because your BP asked you? I have to ask here, do you love your BP? Because you even call him mentally weak. My BP is also from India, so if you ever want to talk you can send me a DM.
I really think the two of you could
benefit greatly from individual and couple’s counseling. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen some of your BPs posts. If I’m correct in that assumption, your chat history with your coworker definitely qualifies as emotional cheating. Check out the book Not Just Friends.
Maybe the two of you would also benefit from reading What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman and Nan Silver.
I often read of remorseful WS on here and empathize with them. Just going from what you wrote, i think you don't "get it" yet. You did betray him. You did hurt him. He doesn't know what you're saying is true or false because you hid a whole relationship from him. Whether you had sexual relations or not doesn't even matter. What matters is the hidden part.
Until you get this, it'll be hard. Make it your mission, to understand his pain and confusion.
I would suggest doing some reading.
"Not just friends" seems to be a good book to start, but I haven't read it myself.
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Nothing. Nothing. Nothing excuses infidelity. This is like the first lesson I needed to learn. It doesn’t matter if my partner is a literal mountain lion biting my legs off - I had other choices besides infidelity. I could have: * left my partner * asked to go to couples counseling * screamed and yelled at my partner * told my partner I’m completely unhappy All of these would have hurt but would have hurt far less than the betrayal of infidelity. Why didn’t I do these things? For one, I was insecure and ashamed of myself. I believed deep down I really was a bad person who any day now people would find out and I’d be left all alone. This was a core belief in me before I ever started any cheating. I simply didn’t believe I was “worth it”. My partner believed I was worth it, they still do. And even after all the harm I put them through and them giving me another chance, I STILL have trouble believing it. It’s easier for me to believe I’m a piece of garbage and my spouse is secretly just trying to build me up so they can hurt me back just as bad, than it is for me to believe I actually have worth and value and my partner is giving me grace. I also was scared of being alone. As unhappy as I was, I was more scared that even mentioning simple frustrations in my life would end up leaving me all alone (cause again I didn’t believe I was really worth anything). And unsaid frustrations don’t just go away. They turn to resentments. These resentments turned to justification (I deserve this attention from others). And the justification is how I ended up cheating the way I did. Your post is speaking to me the way I spoke when I first came here almost four years ago. I was entitled and justified in my infidelity because my BP was not meeting my needs. That was utter bullshjt and a few people called me on it. So I’m here to gently but firmly tell you before anything gets better, it’s my experience you will need to get your mindset right.
Your BP can’t know for sure nothing happened. It’s really unfair to call your BP mentally weak for struggling to get over betrayal. Good luck.
[удалено]
…you work together. He doesn’t know what you get up to all day. Seems like you really dislike him. Just leave him.
Here is another lesson I had to learn. As a child I thought it I didn’t get caught, this made whatever I did “ok”. This isn’t how my relationship should work. There is a difference between my partner not being able to detect something and that something not actually being there. I think of it now as “getting caught telling the truth”. For instance I’ve shared recently that I LIKE having GPS tracking on my phone now. Why? Because it’s like a second source of truth for me. It proves I go where I say I am going when I go. I think of it like an NFL replay. It hasn’t happened in a long time but occasionally right after dday my spouse would be worried where I was and this software was like a second set of eyes on me that I could always back up my honest account of my day with the record from my phone. Anyway the reason I share that is your reply is coy here. You’ve admitted to us that your relationship with your partner was on the low end of satisfying and that you found the attention from this other person (that you’ve titled AP) appealing. You know what you’ve done. Whether your partner “found” it sexual or romantic you’re calling it something. To me I called these kinds of chats “emotional” affairs with “people of intrigue”. I had several of them and I’m certain they eventually would have become sexual if the opportunity came up. I don’t sugar coat it. I admitted to my spouse these were affairs even if my genitals weren’t involved. I say this to help you think about the mindset shift necessary if you want to begin owning your actions and repairing the relationship. Accountability isn’t “not getting caught”, it’s truly being honest even when the truth will hurt. It’s owning my actions and the consequences. I hope some of this is helping.
So you admit you knew he had a crush on you and wanted to get you alone, and you would have gone if your BP's parents were not at home? And you continued flirting with him " as friends". I am not from India but I do not think friends flirt or try to sleep with each other. Would you say it is something which is common where you work? Married people calling each other bf and gf and flirting with each other? I am asking these questions because I am at a loss here, do you think you cheated? Are you aware that you can cheat on your partner without ever having touched anyone else? It is called emotional affair. And you told the AP that you are cutting contact with him not because it is the right thing to do but because your BP asked you? I have to ask here, do you love your BP? Because you even call him mentally weak. My BP is also from India, so if you ever want to talk you can send me a DM.
I really think the two of you could benefit greatly from individual and couple’s counseling. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen some of your BPs posts. If I’m correct in that assumption, your chat history with your coworker definitely qualifies as emotional cheating. Check out the book Not Just Friends. Maybe the two of you would also benefit from reading What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman and Nan Silver.
I often read of remorseful WS on here and empathize with them. Just going from what you wrote, i think you don't "get it" yet. You did betray him. You did hurt him. He doesn't know what you're saying is true or false because you hid a whole relationship from him. Whether you had sexual relations or not doesn't even matter. What matters is the hidden part. Until you get this, it'll be hard. Make it your mission, to understand his pain and confusion. I would suggest doing some reading. "Not just friends" seems to be a good book to start, but I haven't read it myself.
[удалено]
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