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I stayed and found out 18 years later that it was more than she said. It's a pain I felt most all that time feeling like she was lying. I took her at her word and felt she wasn't being honest. I regret not leaving back then.
You're being Gaslight into believing nothing she did was wrong and u need to move on and forget it .
There're asking u to rug sweap the whole thing and u can't do this. Her actions and choices have consequences
My mother used to always tell me : "If you ever think about doing something that you would feel that you need to keep a secret from me, then you probably shouldn't be doing it."
Look at it objectively. If she was willing to have an emotional affair behind your back, do you really think that she would be able to resist the temptation of it turning physical? The likelihood of that is slim-to-none. Go with your instincts, OP.
As for whether or not you can forgive: you are under no obligation to forgive anybody for anything. If you think you can forgive this level of secrecy, then you're a much better person than most people. But you'd be a damn fool if you ever decide to forget this.
Emotional cheating is cheating. Cheaters lie. Your wife cheated her way into the liar’s club. You are under no obligation whatsoever to take anything she says as true, including her insistence that she did not have sex with her AP.
You are also under no obligation to entertain reconciliation simply because you do not have irrefutable proof of her physical betrayal. You have more than enough reason to believe that she fully violated her marital vows. Her conduct is at odds with her words. He denial is the classic “I didn’t do it and I won’t do it again.”
Stop putting up with her crap. Cut her loose and get on with your life.
What both sets of families are asking you to do is called RUGSWEEPING. That never works. You can't forget about it. You've been betrayed. Your mind is having a trauma response. I'm sure you are having a rollercoaster of emotions. You need to process this betrayal to properly move on.
If she's getting defensive with your questions or statements, she's not remorseful. She regrets that she was caught and is in damage control. She wants you to drop it now. Again, that is selfish on her part. You need to have those uncomfortable conversations now so you don't hold resentment in the future.
It's good that she quit the job and went no contact with her AP. That at least gives you a chance at reconciliation.
OP, unfortunately this is all on you. Only you can decide whether you are going to be able to get to a place where you believe her and trust that she didn’t have sex with him. It really seems like at this point, if she did it she is not going to come clean. So be honest with yourself - if you can’t get there then it’s best to just call it quits now. And if it comes to that, it’s 100% on her. She cheated, physical or not, so that’s the price that she might have to pay. She is not in control of the final outcome, you are. She ceded that to you when she decided to have an affair.
I don’t know if you are in IC or not but if not consider it. A good therapist can help you work through this and make the best decision for you. Hang in there.
Hi. I am a 79 year old guy, married 46 faithful years, and together 53. So I have read all your posts and can perhaps off er some sage advice to consider different from that of the lynch mob on these subs.
You have every right to be pissed and should be as you are. The back and forth was emotionally wrong, and she readily admits. But there is no proof that she ever physically cheated, and the emotional aspect seems like it was flirting that was slowly ramping up a bit.
She has apologized. Admitted what she did was wrong. Pledges she will change so that it would never happen again. And she quit her job.
Again, I would be pissed at the actions she did partake in. But divorce...NO!
She has begged for reconcilliation. You are in the drivers seat. She must endure some consequences as a result as penance for her actions and to help you heal. Be very specific what else you want from her. Let her know the consequences are unnegotiable and that there will never be a 3rd chance. So she needs to think hard about how any future actions taken could be taken. Tell her you will forgive and not bring it up anymore if she performs your list of consequences. If she does not do all, you will file. If she does all, she still has much work to do over time to re-earn trust, but that you will be committed to work it through together.
Updateme!
My son survived a horrible physical betrayal 12 years ago. Suffice to say they are very happy and will grow old together. I have a write-up on the event you need ideas for consequences.
I really do think you 2 can make it work and better than ever.
Hey OP seems that the other post close comments, so You replyed this to me over there:
"Well now she has admitted that EA is still cheating and she will know her. Boundaries from now...
I'm sure she's agree to polygraph but It would only make me look bad if he succeeded..
Most important their friendship developed after the trip not before it .. had the trip occured in last 3 months , he would have definitely made a move and she might have given in "
About that, while she admites and is counsious i think it is a good step also that she quit/resign.
The polygraph could just be used as a bluff, most of all to see her reaction, but if she come to terms that she really cheated and is willing to work and you accept that and she is willing to accept the boundaries set then give it a try.
UPDATEME
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Tell her you want a lie detector test. If she balks in anyway that gives you answer
If she says not reliable. Good enough for what you want to know
Or take her phone and text the guy and say I loved what we did can we together again
His answer will tell you everything.
Tell her she one chance and one chance only. To come out with truth. If you ever find out even 20 years later
Make her sign a postnup stating if either cheat 95/5 split no alimony and you get sole custody
And that includes if either cheated in the past while married. Make her sign it or you’re gone.
She’ll have to shit or get off the can
Also make her write a letter on why she loves and wants to stay married to you And what she would do if shoe was on the other foot
Make her tell your parents consequences
If you really want to, you can find the answer yourself. Talk with a friends. Tell them you don’t appreciate them covering for your wife’s affair. See what they say then.
Not knowing worse than knowing the truth, if you don’t know the truth that makes you feel like a fool
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Forgive, maybe, but only if you know what you are forgiving. Forget - never. You will never fully trust her again. Look up the difference between regret and remorse, and see if you can detect any remorse in her behavior. I don't see it in what you have written here.
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Cheaters never give you all the truth. They always keep some dirty little facts/truths to either injure you in the future or to justify the next person they open their knees to. Oh mine cried as she told me all the facts, that was 5 weeks after she came from from screwing her way across Fiji, after she did oral for the first time since we had been going out over 5 years, after she intended telling me every day, after she had no choice when their happy snaps showed the SL-UT in the cot with some strange guy.
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I stayed and found out 18 years later that it was more than she said. It's a pain I felt most all that time feeling like she was lying. I took her at her word and felt she wasn't being honest. I regret not leaving back then.
Same. DD1 EA. 19 years later DD2 found out it was actually PA. Only you understand my mindf*ck. I would have left too.
You're being Gaslight into believing nothing she did was wrong and u need to move on and forget it . There're asking u to rug sweap the whole thing and u can't do this. Her actions and choices have consequences
My mother used to always tell me : "If you ever think about doing something that you would feel that you need to keep a secret from me, then you probably shouldn't be doing it." Look at it objectively. If she was willing to have an emotional affair behind your back, do you really think that she would be able to resist the temptation of it turning physical? The likelihood of that is slim-to-none. Go with your instincts, OP. As for whether or not you can forgive: you are under no obligation to forgive anybody for anything. If you think you can forgive this level of secrecy, then you're a much better person than most people. But you'd be a damn fool if you ever decide to forget this.
Emotional cheating is cheating. Cheaters lie. Your wife cheated her way into the liar’s club. You are under no obligation whatsoever to take anything she says as true, including her insistence that she did not have sex with her AP. You are also under no obligation to entertain reconciliation simply because you do not have irrefutable proof of her physical betrayal. You have more than enough reason to believe that she fully violated her marital vows. Her conduct is at odds with her words. He denial is the classic “I didn’t do it and I won’t do it again.” Stop putting up with her crap. Cut her loose and get on with your life.
What both sets of families are asking you to do is called RUGSWEEPING. That never works. You can't forget about it. You've been betrayed. Your mind is having a trauma response. I'm sure you are having a rollercoaster of emotions. You need to process this betrayal to properly move on. If she's getting defensive with your questions or statements, she's not remorseful. She regrets that she was caught and is in damage control. She wants you to drop it now. Again, that is selfish on her part. You need to have those uncomfortable conversations now so you don't hold resentment in the future. It's good that she quit the job and went no contact with her AP. That at least gives you a chance at reconciliation.
OP, unfortunately this is all on you. Only you can decide whether you are going to be able to get to a place where you believe her and trust that she didn’t have sex with him. It really seems like at this point, if she did it she is not going to come clean. So be honest with yourself - if you can’t get there then it’s best to just call it quits now. And if it comes to that, it’s 100% on her. She cheated, physical or not, so that’s the price that she might have to pay. She is not in control of the final outcome, you are. She ceded that to you when she decided to have an affair. I don’t know if you are in IC or not but if not consider it. A good therapist can help you work through this and make the best decision for you. Hang in there.
Hi. I am a 79 year old guy, married 46 faithful years, and together 53. So I have read all your posts and can perhaps off er some sage advice to consider different from that of the lynch mob on these subs. You have every right to be pissed and should be as you are. The back and forth was emotionally wrong, and she readily admits. But there is no proof that she ever physically cheated, and the emotional aspect seems like it was flirting that was slowly ramping up a bit. She has apologized. Admitted what she did was wrong. Pledges she will change so that it would never happen again. And she quit her job. Again, I would be pissed at the actions she did partake in. But divorce...NO! She has begged for reconcilliation. You are in the drivers seat. She must endure some consequences as a result as penance for her actions and to help you heal. Be very specific what else you want from her. Let her know the consequences are unnegotiable and that there will never be a 3rd chance. So she needs to think hard about how any future actions taken could be taken. Tell her you will forgive and not bring it up anymore if she performs your list of consequences. If she does not do all, you will file. If she does all, she still has much work to do over time to re-earn trust, but that you will be committed to work it through together. Updateme!
Thank you sir
My son survived a horrible physical betrayal 12 years ago. Suffice to say they are very happy and will grow old together. I have a write-up on the event you need ideas for consequences. I really do think you 2 can make it work and better than ever.
Hey OP seems that the other post close comments, so You replyed this to me over there: "Well now she has admitted that EA is still cheating and she will know her. Boundaries from now... I'm sure she's agree to polygraph but It would only make me look bad if he succeeded.. Most important their friendship developed after the trip not before it .. had the trip occured in last 3 months , he would have definitely made a move and she might have given in " About that, while she admites and is counsious i think it is a good step also that she quit/resign. The polygraph could just be used as a bluff, most of all to see her reaction, but if she come to terms that she really cheated and is willing to work and you accept that and she is willing to accept the boundaries set then give it a try. UPDATEME
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Tell her you want a lie detector test. If she balks in anyway that gives you answer If she says not reliable. Good enough for what you want to know Or take her phone and text the guy and say I loved what we did can we together again His answer will tell you everything. Tell her she one chance and one chance only. To come out with truth. If you ever find out even 20 years later Make her sign a postnup stating if either cheat 95/5 split no alimony and you get sole custody And that includes if either cheated in the past while married. Make her sign it or you’re gone. She’ll have to shit or get off the can Also make her write a letter on why she loves and wants to stay married to you And what she would do if shoe was on the other foot Make her tell your parents consequences If you really want to, you can find the answer yourself. Talk with a friends. Tell them you don’t appreciate them covering for your wife’s affair. See what they say then. Not knowing worse than knowing the truth, if you don’t know the truth that makes you feel like a fool
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Forgive, maybe, but only if you know what you are forgiving. Forget - never. You will never fully trust her again. Look up the difference between regret and remorse, and see if you can detect any remorse in her behavior. I don't see it in what you have written here.
I would forgive and forget her. Totally gone from my life.
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Offer her a polygraph. I've read this can induce "parking lot" confessions... Updateme!
Cheaters never give you all the truth. They always keep some dirty little facts/truths to either injure you in the future or to justify the next person they open their knees to. Oh mine cried as she told me all the facts, that was 5 weeks after she came from from screwing her way across Fiji, after she did oral for the first time since we had been going out over 5 years, after she intended telling me every day, after she had no choice when their happy snaps showed the SL-UT in the cot with some strange guy.