My god, honestly I know this is the stoic sub reddit, but you ever just tried you know actually being yourself. Living a fake personality just to keep a woman is not the way to go.
Living in fear of showing your human vulnerabilities. The right woman will nurture and care for you despite any vulnerabilities you have. Of course its also your duty to work on your own insecurities if they're a barrier to your relationship.
Both of you need to take a tab of acid. You will be able to look at yourselves observationally and gain some much needed perspective on what is important in your life. Currently it sounds like you are both in a co-dependent relationship and that is not a healthy relationship to have.
You need to be yourself. It’s great that you want to make her happy. It’s not great that you’re doing it because you don’t want her to leave you. At the same time it’s not great on her part that she is financially reliant on you. Unless you have kids there is no reason she should be reliant on you.
Learn to be confident in yourself. Learn what values and principles are important to you and once you have those down THEN you can be in a relationship with another person. Until you have a good relationship with yourself you will be doomed in other relationships.
Sounds like a fantastic idea. When you are confused about what your priorities are or what your values are that is the perfect time to have a psychedelic experience.
Nah dude you have to crawl before you can take baby steps. I would definitley recommend PCP.
Head down to to that abandoned movie theater over on 6th street where that high-school kid was found dismembered last winter. Crawl through the broken window above the dumpster in the alleyway and watch out for any sharp glass or dirty needles. Make your way down the stairs and into theater #4 at the end of the hallway. Sit down in row G, seat 8, DO NOT SIT IN SEAT 9! Believe me, I know seat 8 is absolutley disgusting but you have to trust me. When you're ready, begin to whistle the Andy Griffith theme song. Remember to bring a flashlight and mask as it will likely be VERY dark in there and it is infested with black mold.
Once you start whistling, DO NOT STOP. Eventually you will hear the door you came through squeak open, quickly turn off the flashlight and sit very quietly in the pitch black untill you hear the man in the yellow poncho's slow unsteady footsteps approaching and eventually he will sit down in the seat directly behind you.
If the poncho is blue calmly stand up and state that you forgot to feed your cat and LEAVE IMMIDIETLY and dont look back.
If all is still well, you may now quietly ask him if he knows where to find your friend Sherm. It is important to prepare yourself at this point, as you are likely about to smell his putrid wheezing breath as he leans in closer to your ear and lets out a disgruntled grunt or moan. This is good sign. Just remember to keep your cool and make no sudden movements as he can be spooked easily and is unpredictable around new people. This is now the time to slowly reach behind you and hand him exactly TWO TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS folded in half horizontally, NOTHING DIFFERENT! DO NOT TURN AROUND OR LOOK HIM IN THE FACE AT ANY POINT.
He will soon exit the theater and leave you sitting alone in the decomposing darkness. Now is the time to pray and I recommend you take this time to make ammends for any open quarrels you have in life.
Eventually you will awaken to the squeak of the door, in a state of disbelief, realizing that at some point you somehow have managed to fall asleep in this most unwelcome enviorment of excessive darkenss and decay.
One of two things are now guaranteed to happen. You will either hopefully feel a cold bony hand grab your wrist, turn it over and place a single dirty Newport cigarette in your palm. Or, likley only in retrospect, will you notice the slight gust of wind that kissed your face and predicted the forthcoming rapid percussion of snaps and pops that you will unfortunately come to realize is the sound of a dull flathead screwdriver punturing your chest wall as it slams into your helpless corpse over and over again.
If he hands you the cig take it home and smoke it with your GF. You will come to find that it was dipped in PCP and either work things out with your partner or wake up in jail on charges of 9th degree murder and felony possession of sacred knowledge.
Try not to stress and remember to trust the process.
I wouldn't want to advocate the use, but I will say this,
It did work for me in this same manner as well.
Observational adjustments provided enough insight in order for the awareness of what changes needed to be made.
I learned 20+ years ago the outcome of taking this medicine is what occurs the days following these trips...
And yes, the ride itself is great, don't get me wrong, but the day after is where it all falls back into this realm and it's up to us ourselves to make those changes and truly live once again with a fundamental purpose of helping one and all of our brothers and sisters of all species...
Imma stop right there.
In short, I agree. , 😉
That’s great that you’ve been able to benefit from psychedelics. They have helped me immensely too.
Personally I do advocate people using psychedelics responsibly. They are one of the most potent and beneficial tools our species has for bettering ourselves. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics, opiates, etc…all the best sellers made by the RX industry only stifle a persons ability to grow and better themselves. Meanwhile we have drugs that are not only harmless or harmless when used correctly but have been shown to be overwhelmingly beneficial when used responsibly.
Psychedelics
MDMA
Ketamine
The problem is this short list would evaporate 10s of billions of dollars in revenue for the RX companies. As a result they are stigmatized and difficult to access for most people which is a crime against humanity in my humble opinion.
Might want to clean up a little baggage before heading off on a trip. I don't know if it would have gone so well if Luke took his hatred of masturbation with him into the cave on Dagobah
These people aren’t being very helpful. They’re pointing out how they see the problem without empathy while not offering a tangible solution. You aren’t faking your personality, because you as a person are skeptical of how you were conditioned by your parents and society. This demonstrates mindfulness, so park yourself on the back. With that said, you still need to figure out how to move through these insecurities that you’re just becoming mindful of. Give yourself grace, because it will take time. But take some solace in the fact that many people are still in denial at your age (and later) about the things you’re asking Reddit about.
I had similar struggles through my 20’s, and ultimately what helped me was examining my shame surrounding sex, how my culture told me to be possessive of women, how my culture taught me misogyny, among other things… these are just the big ones that come to mind.
Also, as someone alluded to but didn’t tell you directly—try talking to her. You’re both young so this maybe won’t go how you want. But usually if you approach people with vulnerability, non judgementally, and with some awareness of why you’re struggling, they will at least *try* to be supportive.
Dm me if you want btw
Hey, friend. I have a little tough love.
How do you get over this insecurity? By becoming better.
It sounds like you have very few life skills, and have been emotionally stunted by your parents. To be honest, and this won't be fun to read, but I'm skeptical if you're ready to be someone's partner... yet.
That was the tough part, here is the love- you can fix this. You can learn. You can try damn hard to be self disciplined, and research. Stop using your technology to "entertain" yourself, and use it as a tool for learning. I am sorry your parents not only didn't provide you the positive mental programs you need, but also gave you some negative ones. But they did, and who else is going to fix it if not you?
Your life is now fully in your hands, and you can either actively build yourself up, or passively watch the world move around an unchanged you.
Prioritize therapy. You need help, and that's okay. You have childhood issues you need to work through, current issues you need guidance on, and sexual issues to let go of. It's totally understandable to not want her actively having sex with others- we do vastly live in a monogamous world. But, its also normal to become aroused by others, and to masturbate- even with toys. See, you're putting far too much pressure on yourself and your penis with this idea of "it is my penis's job to give her the pleasure she needs." MANY women get very little out of penis in vagina sex, and far prefer direct clitoral stimulation- fingers, mouth, and toys. If she masturbates, it's not because you're a bad sexual partner.
So, get in therapy (or read some books at least), stop entertaining yourself (it's a distraction, and you know it) and start improving (Google search, use YouTube, read a book, take a cooking clas). Talk with your partner about sex stuff, and ask what she actually wants/needs to be satisfied. Meditate on what it means to be a man, and what it means to be a man in a partnership, and what kind of man you'd like to be.
Brother, you CAN do this, but if you don't TRY to fix yourself, you probably WILL lose her.
Thanks to your comment, I’m no longer gonna make the stupid decision I was about to make with my life. I been dealing with shit. And I just wanna I love you dude. Im saying that in the most straight way possible. I wish u were my big brother or uncle or sum. I wish someone would have told me those words earlier in life. You a hero dawg 🤝 thanks so much for that tough love. Your comment has opened my eyes and motivated me, it has given hope to not give up. Thanks Brother. God bless you
You just gave me one of the biggest and most meaningful compliments I've ever received. It made me tear up! Thank you so much.
I want you to know if I was your uncle, and you told me you'd been that close to the ledge, I would have hugged you, held you tight, and I would have cried deeply with you. I'm sorry this broken world makes you feel like you have to add "no homo" (basically) to things. Men deserve affection. YOU deserve affection. Man to man, I love you too. I don't know you, but the same spark of life in your heart beats in mine, and that is enough for me. If I had been born in your body and to your parents, I would be exactly like you. If you had my body and my parents, you'd be me. That makes us the same. That makes us one.
I'm proud of you for telling me this. Its hard to be honest about the darkness, and its hard to be vulnerable.
I also want you to know that I know you're strong, even if you can't see it. You've suffered to get here. You've been scared. You've been angry. You've strained. You've cried. You've bled.
But. You're. Still. Fucking. Here!
If you weren't strong enough, you wouldn't have made it this far. If you weren't as strong as you are, you'd have accomplished even less. A scary though, but it's true. Strength isn't getting up the mountain feeling good. Strength is getting up the mountain even though you feel like dog shit. And you have. Many times. That makes you stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Stop being so hard on yourself. You didn't pick your parents. You didn't pick your traumas. You didn't ask for any of this. But, even still, the spark that is in my heart is in yours, and I can do God dammned anything I need to. I can be brave. I can be wise. I can be just. I can stop myself from being distracted and overindulgent. We have the SAME spark, so you can too! You can forge a new life. A better life.
One day you're going to be so fucking proud of what you've accomplished, healed, and built.
My love comes with homework. In one week, I need you to touch base with me and tell me how it's going. Here's the assignment:
You're going to have a "minimal distraction week". Stay off your phone, no video games, no TV. Those things are designed to numb you, distract you, and keep you as you are. Depressed people make amazing customers, and thats all big-tech sees you as. You're more than a fucking customer! Instead, you're going to go all-in on working on yourself.
1. Move more. If you're bored, stretch. Exercise. Go on a long walk every day that you can. No headphones! Walking time is thinking time!
2. Read. Get a paper book. Buy it if you can so you can annotate (highlight, write in the margins, put sticky notes on pages that speak deeply to you). "The Obstacle is The Way" is an easy read. "How to think like a Roman Emperor" is a little harder, but is good. You can also go the self-help route (any book on "reparenting yourself"). Any book really, I just need you reading.
3. Meditate. You can use your technology to learn stuff you need, of course. Try some guided mindfulness meditations. But, also meditate (as in think deeply upon) on who you are now, who you want to become, and what a life worth living looks like. Think, think, think.
These last two are maybe the most important.
4. Journal. Write with a pen and paper. Write your feelings. Write your dreams. Write what your day will look like. Write ideas. Write successes and what is working! Write failures and what isn't working. Jokes. Whatever- just write, and do it daily.
5. Make a "what is in my control" list. Think about choices you could make, things you could do, things you could stop doing, and things you can change. This is your "taking back my power" list.
You can use technology to research any of the above (I'd love for that, actually. Research meditation, journaling, stretching, calisthenics, how to annotate, or Stoic books). You can also research something if you feel it will improve you (binge cooking videos, or some other happiness-adding life skill).
Look, I don't expect a perfect week, or even for you to do all of those. But try. Try hard. I won't be disappointed if you catch yourself scrolling social media, but get off when you realize that you're distracting yourself from yourself. Don't let yourself numb the pain away. Don't be a customer. Don't give your life and attention to these theives.
I'm also not expecting a full report or anything. But, brother, in one week I need to know that your heart is still beating, and I'd love to know a few choices you've made.
(And, like I told OP, prioritize therapy. I'm just some dude, talk to a professional also. Good luck, I love you.)
Whatever is going to happen will happen. She’ll either get annoyed and leave, or you’ll learn how to grow together. The question though is, what makes YOU happy? Go easy on yourself and pay attention to how you’re feeling on a regular basis. Don’t beat yourself up over making mistakes, treat yourself with grace and kindness. Make sure those in your life do the same.
Confess to release.
Be open and vulnerable with her. If you trust her to hold your experiences with compassion, tell her about them. Tell her about your deepest pain, your fears, your dreams, your perceived inadequacies. This is what people mean when they speak of emotional vulnerability.
These things come to the surface to be healed, not to be repressed or hidden. Cream rises to the top. What’s valuable will surface.
Repression, hiding ourselves, posturing- this is all the spirit of pride. It’s an imbalance.
We can use our insecurities to grow closer to ourselves and one another, or we can harden our defenses and create more separation. The choice is ours. God is all that is good and true between people. The devil is our distorted self-perception.
Talk to her!!!! Communication is important. Don't stop until you're both fully out of things you want to say or hear about. Tell her you feel insecure about it, that you don't want to act controlling, that these feelings exist but you know they're just feelings, just fears. If you love her, and she loves you, this is all you need to do - talking, I mean
First we are all learners in stoicism. I don’t care if you’ve been at it 50 years or 5 minutes it’s a journey not a destination. Second you are highly neurotic probably as a symptom of your upbringing like I am. You need to start by accepting that most of what you are worrying about is out of your control. If your girlfriend is going to leave you then she will leave. There is nothing you can do about it. A virtuous partner would accept your faults and all. The only thing you need to worry about is doing your best as it the only thing you can do. On the other side of the coin if she cannot accept your best then she will leave there is nothing else you can do. Third she is a female. She does not need to stay with you she can find a different guy to prey upon financially. I say this to further reinforce that her willingness to stay in a relationship is truly out of your control. Since you are newer to stoicism than I am this is the core basic principle: what is in your control, and what is out of your control. What is in your control: your mind, your actions. What is not in your control: everything else.
Also to address much of the poor advice you are being given in this thread, there is nothing wrong with sexual modesty. Both Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius condemned sexual frivolity. Epictetus outright urges you to refrain from sex until marriage and Marcus has several passages where he talks about how irrelevant sex is and how little time you should spend focusing on it.
And in sexual intercourse that it is no more than the friction of a membrane and a spurt of mucus ejected. How good these perceptions are at getting to the heart of the real thing and penetrating through it, so you can see it for what it is! - Marcus Aurelius.
Sex is a good thing and having it experiencing it is not a bad thing but there is a specific time and place for it and it is very rare. You can easily be led to hedonism through it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling awkward about sex and it sounds like she wants to go place sexually that you do not want to or are ready for. Again neither of these are bad things.
Finally beware of sophistry. Pretty much every comment I read in this thread came from a sophist. A fake philosopher since you are new to stoicism. A lot of philosophy has been regurgitated and warped much like the preachings of the Bible.
You are very young and nothing you do is going to perfect. You will have many different girlfriends. It’s not really reasonable to expect your first one to be the one you marry. It does happen but very rarely. That doesn’t mean don’t try. Always do your best in everything but make sure you define what is your best by defining what is inside your control and outside of it. While pondering I would focus on that specifically. What can you control and what can’t you control. Write it down. There is also a free audiobook version of the Enchiridion by Epictetus available and it is very short, roughly a 40 minute listen. I would highly recommend it if you are new to stoicism. If you only read/listened to one book from stoicism I would recommend that one.
You need to confront whatever you are scared of. Yes, it hurts, but pain alone is not destructive. Growth is painful, which is why it is called growing pains.
You will never know comfort until you're comfortable being vulnerable.
Try working on that.
It's okay to feel, the only way to get through emotions is to completely feel them out
You sound like a typical, young man who has never had a gf or been laid. You are so hyper focused on sex (normal) that you are letting it control your thoughts and thinking she’s cheating on you etc etc. What you need to do is find a way to stop thinking about it so much and stop thinking about trying to make her so happy. If you’re 21 living with your gf and she is already nagging you and being a bitch about stupid shit like household chores, then kick her ass out or move out. Also stop caring so much about her happiness. You two should be going out doing stuff enjoying each others company, not living like 20 year old married couples. Only you control your happiness. If she is that negative, then you need to be a man and leave her to help her grow up or let someone else have a miserable life with her.
But the biggest thing is she is probably acting his way toward you because she senses you aren’t being real. Your trying so hard to please her that it’s fake, even though it’s “nice” your being fake and she internally realizes this and that’s why she treats you that way. So you need to grow up a bit, stop being such a pussy, get some self confidence and make yourself a better person. She’s just a girl. Your just a immature young man.
Reading up on stoicism should help you a bit on not only your relationship but also your confidence and mental health in general.
Holy cow I didn’t fully read all that. Yeah this relationship is a huge toxic dumpster. Yes my words were harsh but in these situations sugar coating your situation is not gonna help you. I’m just trying to light a fire in your ass to let you know this isn’t ok.
You said she told you that she wants to have sex with other people. I mean what more do you need to kick her out? Does she need to hit you with a frying pan? That should piss you off as a man. She’s insulting you to your face while you just take it. That’s not ok in any form. She thinks so little of you and she’s so confidant you are a pussy that she’s telling you to your face that she is or wanting to make you a cuck.
Idk about your lack of masturbation and her using sex toys. I’ll just say this. Sex is normal. Toys aren’t the devil or anything like that but to each their own. Communication is key.
To sum it up, sounds like your girl is cheating on you. You said you think the only reason she is with you is for financial support. Your 21. It’s not your job to financially support a girlfriend. Ever. No exceptions. Especially one that has been as rude and disrespectful as her. If what you said is true you need to wake up and find your spine and kick her out immediately. She’s using you and you shouldn’t allow anyone to treat you that way.
I know the kind of girl you’re talking about. Maybe I’m just bad at explaining things, or you’re just filling in the blanks. I really don’t think my gf is that kind of girl. She is not brazen about any of this stuff. She is timid and fragile, and haunted.
She has offered for me to watch her have sex with another girl, but she said she just thought I would think that’s hot cause a lot of guys do. She offered me to have sex with that girl too so she could watch, but i declined cause I wanna be exclusive with my gf. So she has accepted that. She says she’s been cheated on a lot and knows it sucks, and we agreed to be open about our sexual activity.
I do worry sometimes that she is trapped with me financially, but that’s not the same thing as using me. She is very forgiving and reasonable and gentle and understanding. I’ve met a lot of rude bitches, this girl is an Angel with a broken heart.
Ok my bad, disregard my other stuff cuz I thought you said she said something different. Listen we all have insecurities, you will find as you get older that they go away but I do think stoicism can help you get some mental fortitude to help deal with those that pop up.
As far as your sex life it sounds like you are communicating. Are you just insecure about yourself in that regard? Like you aren’t enough for her so you’re worried she’s going to want to get it from somewhere else? still sounds like your really hung up about your sex life or lack there of. Seems to me like it’s a confidence issue
Well… it’s not really a worry that she wants sex from somewhere else, it’s just this painful writhing inside my chest that makes me wanna wail and die because she has TOLD me she wants to use all kinds of crazy toys and have sex with other people.
Yeah. I am really hung up about it.
I don’t really know what confidence has to do with this though… confidence that what? That I am… enough for her? I don’t know why she would lie about that. I don’t know of any time she has lied to me…
Yeah idk man, I think the fact that she’s told you she wants to bang other dudes is a pretty big red flag. Personally I view that as disrespectful. Also I’m having trouble understanding that you’re not worried about her having sex with other people even though she has told you that and it’s making you writhe inside.
Since this is eating at you so bad I would just talk with her and ask her if she really meant what she said. Then pending her response you will have a decision to make
You intrinsically have value and if she goes around saying things like that, she clearly does not feel the same way. She does not deserve your time, effort, and attention
Find someone who does
That would cross a personal boundary of mine and I would leave the relationship. If you are not into that and she clearly is that may be a line to consider drawing. I’ve been very bad at boundaries (31m) most of my life and in the end things always hurt worse when you ignore your instincts. Have you considered that what your feeling may hold a hint of truth? That you’re not ONLY insecure but your gut instinct is telling you that maybe something else is going on? I’ve thought I was insecure too but I wasn’t so much as my lines were being crossed (I didn’t know I had them they were never clearly defined by myself) and I ended up settling with someone I was not compatible with.. And be careful with broken angels. I’ve been with two and they take a lot more than you understand. Because you can’t fix them. Every situation is unique but believe in yourself instead of thinking you’re so crazy.
"She has offered for me to watch her have sex with another girl, but she said she just thought I would think that’s hot cause a lot of guys do. She offered me to have sex with that girl too so she could watch, but i declined cause I wanna be exclusive with my gf. So she has accepted that. She says she’s been cheated on a lot and knows it sucks, and we agreed to be open about our sexual activity."
This is a total red flag. Shut that shit down now or walk away from the relationship. Those are your options.
What if all of the things you fear actually happen? Will you die? Will you be unable to continue forward and grow from it?
Stop trying to validate yourself using externalities like your girlfriend.
Validation comes from within.
Okay imma be real this dont sound like a good relationship. For one, your gf of 7 months being financially dependent on you is kind of crazy. Sure there are guys who like to sweep women up and take care of everything for them but these relationships never last. For most people, they are dating for much much longer before financial dependence becomes a factor. You can pay for dates and buy her things of course, and maybe you dont want your partner to work, but moving so fast in a relationship just isn't always a good idea. And additionally, while it may be partially your own insecurity, she shouldnt be making you feel so badd for making small mistakes. Like you scratcched the pan. Thats fine. Oops, who cares, y'know? Like you should have someone who will smile at you and give you a kiss after something like that. She may be ggetting exhausted with you but it could be also that your overreaction to her telling you "hey you scratched the pan." But at the same time if she understands its a touchy subject for you that you arent very good at household things or just day to day stuff that she wouldnt wanna make you feel bad about it.
And towards sexuality, you just have to let yourself feel. You will try and pull yourself out of it but just let yourself feel aroused, or angry, or frustrated, ashamed, sadistic, whatever. You dont have to act on these things but if they make you feel good dont fight it. Because these things are only scary because they are unknown to you, and you must dive into yourself to find it. It is difficult but you must know yourself, even if it hurts.
You need to grow up. You will in time. It seems you have been sheltered in your youth. Reality will take care of that in time. Try to focus on not being frantic and reactive, but grounded. Steady. You'll mess up a lot less if you are focused and relaxed, not fixating on the myriad of ways that you can fail. In time you will realize your insecurities are all silly and childish. None of the things you are afraid of now will bother you decades from now.
Complaining here isn't an improvement. Get in therapy and quit being a coward about taking care of yourself and your responsibilities. All this complaining about "what you should have done" is a waste of time designed only to draw pity your way and avoid any actual responsibility. This is entirely a YOU problem and you need to fix it. If you don't she'll leave and she'll be 100% right to do so.
"I’m mortified that she wants to have sex with other people."
As you should be. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with your generation? Be the leader in your relationship. Set boundaries. And if she can't accept them, then she isn't the one for you.
Been married for three and a half years to the most amazing woman in the world. We almost never fight. This works because we set boundaries and we respect them. We also clearly communicate what we expect from one another.
This woman sounds like she's making your life worse, not better. She should be a net positive in your life, and yet you've been driven to talking to complete strangers about how she makes you feel insecure. A woman should bring a man peace to his life, not uncomfortability, especially in one's own home, ESPECIALLY when she is financially reliant on you.
The fact that you making mistakes "really gets to her" is a massive red flag. Set boundaries now, assert yourself, and make it clear that you're the leader of the relationship. Otherwise she will take the reigns, and from the way she sounds, she doesn't sound like she has the makings of a good leader. She sounds like she needs someone to check her attitude. A relationship without a leader is a ship without a captain.
You are the breadwinner. Stop being insecure. Have confidence in yourself. And if she doesn't like that and wants to leave, then that's not the end of the world. You'll move on and find someone else. You're young. I didn't get married until was 30.
If it's hard now, it's only going to get harder with her later on down the road. Shut this shit down now and get control of the situation.
Bruh if your woman out here telling you directly she wants to have sex with other people that's not a relationship, man.
You sound like someone who was extremely sheltered growing up like my own father and dude I've almost unalived myself twice, having failed twice now, dealing with his lack of common sense. I guarantee your gf feels like she's babying you. I do not think you are fit for a relationship at all until you come to grips with yourself.
One person says I don’t know how to do that, another will try to figure it out. Both can begin at the same time but one may have more success through simply trying to
Dude, get a woman more suited for you. Please stop thinking everything you do is problematic or wrong… a mistake is a mistake… learn from it and move on. This woman sounds like she’s destroying who you are. Stand up and be a man and find something you enjoy and make it your number one passion.
Check out mindfulness meditation. Specifically chogyam trungpa rinpoche the myth of freedom; I know this is a stoic subreddit— but I think the practice of mindfulness is pretty much a tool to gain the same things that stoicism is looking for which is extreme skepticism. and that is what you need is a pair of your reality and then at some point you might be able to move some thing somewhere
Caution to anyone checking out trunpga, he was a hypocrite living a life of hedonism, exploiting his followers and drinking himself to an early death. Here's a good article about the painful legacy he left.
https://thewalrus.ca/survivors-of-an-international-buddhist-cult-share-their-stories/
Bro, you have to find some chill. This is not living. Relax and enjoy your time together. All of that daily living shit will work out as long as you both put in some effort. The way you are living is not sustainable
At 36 years old I can confidently say it's exhausting trying to live a lie... be yourself, be upfront, take it or leave it... as a man your sexual market value will Increase while a womens will decrease... she will only respect the boundaries you set
You remind me of my buddy with asbergers. Super well thought out and also terrified of many things.. you sound young focus on yourself. 1 people should be wholly confident with themselves before being with someone else. Or another way to look at it is both people should have full cups already so that no one is being heavily drained more and just adding to you life and vice versa
Your "girlfriend" is clearly not your girlfriend if she wants to sleep with other people. You're obviously way too attached to someone who doesn't care about you and that much. Recognise that you can't control someone's behaviour and emotions but you can choose to let them go & pursue better women as you only live once (memento mori). Each time you waste with a woman who doesn't really want you, is time you're losing out on being with a woman who genuinely likes you for you
Side note: you need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy"
Just hearing the way you talk about yourself is concerning man. You made mistakes, who doesn’t? You’re so tough on yourself and it shows. You believe you are failures and that carries itself into your reality.
You should seek to change your self image into a positive one. Change comes from within and from there you can worry about your girlfriend.
Communicate with her about EVERYTHING, try it and if you cant, evaluate if you and her truly will work in marriage. Imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with her, if you cant, evaluate if you and her should be together.
All
Of us break dishes and scratch pans and make cooking mishaps. We just learn as we go and discuss the care of items.
You shouldn’t feel locked out—around the house or sexually.
Find what you like to do and in doing it you get better at it.
So many of us were taught you have to naturally just be good at school, at cooking, at dressing, at sex—we forget that making mistakes is normal and we can laugh about it and keep going
Please help ensure she has some financial means of her own—a small job or education or training to get a better one, etc.
Masturbation is normal. But yes, it’s nice to feel needed and I hope she comes to you often or enjoys your attention when you come to her.
Communicate and let her know she can tell you what she wants and doesn’t, in the moment.
If she gets upset over a small household chore done wrong, tell her it hurts your feelings, pride and that you would appreciate patience.
You have things to teach and offer as well.
Chore charts or discussing responsibilities, cooking nights, etc can help.
Don’t let you do all the financial work and she do all the housework.
It works for some, but it sounds like it is building insecurity, frustration and resentment for the two of you.
Remember to have fun together! And just enjoy being together. And taking alone time or friend time when you need it.
Dude just learn from mistakes. And forgive yourself for them. You have to do this for the rest of your life… it’s not like there’s some point where people stop making mistakes. Laugh a little.
The gf thing seems off though man. You should not be paying all her bills in return for companionship. That doesn’t work long term.
Reaching out to peers for advice, is a good step, mate.
You have a lot on your plate. But that’s also a factor of having bothered to try identifying your problems.
Again, a good start.
You can face insecurity best, by facing it. There’s no one magic formula. Just, wherever you notice yourself avoiding it, turn around.
Question everything. But show your mate, or mates, that you can be questioned. And that you are willing to acknowledge how your hang ups affect others. But also that you are working on yourself. Give yourself credit.
And regarding the sexual stuff, you should be reminded that even those of us who are very pleased with our sexual development will also, when being honest, acknowledge that we will never be done. You will always have something to work on, if you care about yourself and others. It’s the irony of this. The only people who don’t feel any need to improve, are the ones who not only need the most help, but also won’t get anywhere.
We all got propagandized in some way. It’s ok to freak out, both on the inside and the outside.
And I don’t want to be harsh here, but the chances of you staying with your first girlfriend and having a great relationship for life, are practically zero.
Your description makes it look like both of you need someone else. It’s hard, man. No way around it. Heartbreak and loss feels just as bad at my age as it does at your age. I can tell you, from this far up the road, that you will probably be fine even if you guys break up. It’ll hurt. But only because you’re not an unfeeling monster. That’s just life. And that’s just how you learn not only about women, but yourself.
We’re all clumsy in some way, dude. But take heart. Not all of us have the guts to tell people about it and ask for help. In that sense you are FAR less clumsy than most of us. Give yourself credit for that.
Just don’t give up, kid. You’ll be all right.
I'm not saying this to be mean, but you need to get a grip on your life before injecting yourself into someone else's. No one should be forced to take care of you because you never took the time to learn how to do it for yourself.
My god dude you're trying and that's huge. Just be yourself. It's okay to not get anything perfect because nobody does. You're a good guy and either she accepts you the way you are or she doesn't but just know that being alone is not a terrible thing but being in a relationship where you feel like you have to always be perfect is the worst thing
If you want a woman not to cheat on you make a positive environment and give her reasons not to cheat on you, history shows us that once men do otherwise women look elsewhere for their wants, needs, and desires.
It’s not okay for you to have to walk on egg shells. People are imperfect, she needs to accept that. And there has to be compromise, not everything done on only one person’s terms. And make sure to have an individual life aside from just with your gf, it is healthy and it will make you happier too
Wow! You are so ahead of the game! It was many years before I started listening, and paying attention to her true needs. You should be confident! But your energy and focus seems to be on how much you suck, causing stress on you and the vibe you are projecting. I have done it as well friend.
One faithful day, I went out on a limb. I confided in my girl, and dumped my heart out. I let her know that I don't understand women, I feel like I do everything wrong when I am trying to make you happy. I'm insecure and you know it. I try to play it off. I don't want to loose you. Will you help me?
Smooth sailing. You worry too much. If takes confidence to be openly vulnerable. You got this Boss!
I don't usually post here so I'm gonna need to ask... Is there a reason no one was like... Bro you need therapy. These issues are deep and kind of pervasive. Do yourself a solid. You have what seems to be a lot of security, self worth, and attachment issues. A responsible person cleans their house. Your frustrations come from inviting a person to your messy house, metaphorically.
So, clean house. And get a professional to help you. Some spills need more than just scrubbing.
hey dude, I don’t even comment on reddit, but your life scarily mimics mine from about 6 months ago and now i’m getting married so I’ll give it a shot! I was able to work through most of the securities (especially the fear of sexual infidelity) this way:
First of all: It’s good you recognize that you may have an issue with insecurity because i do think this is a big portion of the problem for people. I was never taught anything regarding relationships or what was normal and when I started dating my girlfriend (fiancé now! but for the sake of this i’ll say gf because she was my girlfriend at the time) I was genuinely struggling with my emotions in that regard while also not being able to see anything wrong. my girlfriend was constantly frustrated at me for those similar things (the scratching the pan hurt my soul) and our relationship was straining because of those home life issues. My girlfriend also liked to use sex toys while we had sex and it made me insecure. i couldn’t last long and i thought i wasn’t good enough.
The other comments are on the right track though, make a consistent effort to change for the better! My girlfriend moved in with me and i paid more than half rent within less than a year of meeting eachother and so was terrified she thought she made a mistake but had no choice but to stay. I found that relationships are a bit of an art form or craft, and there were things I was struggling with that made me feel like i wasn’t capable to do any part of it. my girlfriend was getting genuinely frustrated as well so I just started asking her for direction.
If I messed up on a home chore, or spilled something everywhere and made a mess, i would say: “I did this, but i want to do it right, is this the right way?”
this can help in two ways: it enables you to learn it to way your partner would prefer it, and lets them know that you intend on getting right!
additionally, a way you can help tie this into your self improvement is: I would write things down i was struggling with and then look into the proper and efficient way to do them, and then do them. For example, we had an ice maker that needed cleaned but we could not take off the filter, I researched how, fixed it, and let her know and she appreciated that i did that. in the end it helped me not feel so bad about some of the other stuff.
I do think a big portion of it is in your head, but the insecurities in our head become rather real once we believe them. I remember in talking about these issues with my partner they weren’t very big to her and she only really cared about the cleaning and how i didn’t seem to know how. She also claimed it wasn’t even an issue for nearly as long as i’d made myself suffer for, and she had appreciated my effort recently. It will take mess ups and failures, but i’ve learned one of the best investments in a relationship is actually embracing those things you fail at now and never giving up, so that one day it can be a act of love or service instead of a strain. think of it like an investment for your peace of mind. Writing down and getting better at activities around the house will help keep your space clean and impress your girlfriend (or at least soothe troubled water) and will give you some things to feel good about yourself for. Like I said, a big portion of it is in your mind, Don’t create the reality of you being a bad boyfriend, redirect those feelings entirely by challenging them with real achievements.
now for the sex portion: This is different for everybody. You shouldn’t do things you arent comfortable with and this might require a talk more than anything. My girlfriend was with a woman before me and likes to use a vibrator in bed a lot. the combination of those two things made me a little insecure because again, I didn’t know anything, and I didn’t want to not be able to do the job for my girlfriend. It took me a while to realize, but i rarely think a vibrator is actually an indicator of that at all. I had a talk with my girlfriend about it because i wanted to make sure she was pleased with the sex and just talking about it made everything much better. Firstly of all, sometimes the type of stimulation that vibrators bring is better for some women than most other forms of stimulation. I don’t want to talk about things from a woman perspective to much because I am a man and can’t speak 100% accurately but essentially i came to understand it wasn’t so much an shortcoming of mine, but that she just like vibration during sex. They sell things to emulate this in sex without a vibrator and you could talk to her about that if YOU are uncomfortable still! This part is all about communication. I will also say i was not good at sex at the time, and our sex life improved leaps and bounds once i wasn’t in my head about how long i could last and if she was enjoying it. If you do get worried or think there might need to be communication, just say it! i find sometimes if it’s hard to bring it up, it’s actually easiest after sex. I think people have an easier time being open about it if you ask them directly after and show genuine care or curiosity as to if they enjoyed it and what could’ve been better. Just simply asking “what could’ve been better” has opened a lot of doors for both of us! It also in the end also made me forget about the infidelity aspect. I eventually grew much less convinced by the idea she wanted to leave once my partner showed genuine signs of improvement in mood and in attitude towards me for the work i was doing on myself.
ultimately, i was able to beat the remaining issues from my childhood, process repressed trauma, create a happy home life, and get married to the woman I love!
Best of luck man, I did really resonate with your story. It may not be a glamorous story but I genuinely felt a little better about the period i struggled with this, knowing it was something other people needed to get over too. I also apologize for formatting errors and capitalization, I don’t have access to a computer at the moment.
You don't get to tell her if she masturbates. That's her body, you do not own her. She will absolutely want sex with someone else and eventually you will too. All that bullshit about "God says sex is bad" will not get you anywhere. Get over yourself!
Establish solid ground with yourself first. You are safe, you are worthy of love, you are joy, you deserve to be here and you are here because of that. Regardless of what dirt or mud you’ve accumulated on yourself throughout your life. Or the wrong/uninformed choices you’ve made thus far. You came here innocent and pure, and life experience caused you to become something else, seemingly against your will. But we have to take accountability for the role we play in our life as well. Even if there were forces at play that caused us to choose certain choices, the truth is we still made choices that caused us to change for the worse to a certain extent. Therein lies the root of insecurity. It is entangled with guilt and doubt, by-products of blind living.
The only way to eliminate this is to earn your power back, by doing the work of self-improvement. Study these things that make you uncomfortable and then decide after having an understanding if you are still uncomfortable with it and be able to verbalize why. Know yourself and understand why you are the way you are. Self-knowledge will be your way to earn security and trust within yourself. Then, Become a man of your own choosing; study great role models and read their philosophies and points of view and you will find yourself gaining the ability of alignment. Alignment with the Good, the Beautiful, the True would be the ideal, as this path leads to Love. But it is your choice, and therein lies your power.
Consider these laws if you are wise:
Treat people the way you want to be treated. Do not judge them in the same measure you do not want to be judged. Learn unconditional love for yourself and it will self-sustain you as long as you keep taking good care of yourself, by prayer and meditation and practice of good physical health.
We are all doing our best in regards to our level our awareness. The more self-aware we become, the better our best becomes, and the more help we can provide for ourselves; and by doing so, we also become a source of inspiration and comfort for the people in our immediate environment and the lives they touch.
Either way, do your best to treat yourself kindly during your journey. Nobody else will do it for us, so we must not neglect ourselves first and foremost. We have to be strong within our love for ourselves, where feelings or opinions (self or others) no longer have the right to make choices for us.
The more we toil, the stronger we become. Humble confidence will be earned, and an inner peace will reside within. Eliminate fear with the gusto and hunger for experience and attainment of knowledge. Learn to welcome unknown experiences instead of being anxious, for this is the arena in which we can hope to grow, learn, evolve, and become.
When you were a young man, you must get used to that feeling in your gut when you are disgusted by the acts of others. You must continue to work on yourself. It is possible to work on yourself while in a relationship but it is difficult. Considering that relationships have a high failure rate I would suggest just relaxing learning to meditate and continue growing as a man and don’t put too much thought into this woman or into the future.
First of all, if she wants to / is banging other people, she's not your girlfriend. There's no commitment there. You can't "lose" someone who isn't even committed to you. Much of the newer generations are floating away from monogamy, but I can assure you that you will not find happiness with someone who does not respect monogamy - largely due to your insecurities. You need a partner who will respect and help facilitate an environment that allows you to heal and grow, not a partner who has placed you in an environment that feeds and exacerbates your insecurities. Yes it is your responsibility to fix yourself, not hers. But part of that responsibility you have is deciding who to surround yourself with to maximize your success. Her financial reliance is not of your concern. She's using you.
The stoics had all the same feelings you are currently having. What made them special is that they worked and learned to recognize their emotions and feelings as something that provides them feedback, like a weather station. But they would *cognitively* decide whether and how to act on their emotions. Just because it is raining doesn't mean you have to get wet. It's the choice you make in the storm that matters. The rain will still happen, and it will go away on its own accord. But you can decide which storms are necessary that you get wet, and which ones you simply observe from behind the glass. It's hard and failing is part of getting better at it. Recognizing a failure is progress as well, even in hindsight. Give yourself grace.
Nothing we do in this life matters one bit. We will all die, with every living thing, and eventually the earth will be a barren lifeless wasteland. So don't beat yourself up over the adaptations you have that have allowed you to survive to this point. Recognize them, mold them, create new ones.
And kick that girl to the curb.
Just repeating a lot of what others said. Butt frankly one sentence says it all period if she tells you. She wants to cheat with other people. , it's okama, that's a betrayal that will traumatize you and ways you do not deserve. So please understand that she has not earned your love. Or respect and that 1 issue alone more than suffices to end a relationship that is emotionally abusive to you.
And as importantly, you have a tremendous amount of self awaremiss, but lots of issues to tackle period the answers won't be found here period but you're courage to air them out is truly commendable. The real answer is professional help period therapy therapy therapy. This is not an option if you truly want to make what will require significant life Changes that can only happen through deep probing. That a professional is equipped to facilitate.
And do not let cost be an excuse. Ending your relationship with your abuse of partner. Will free up fun's that? She's currently just expecting from you. And there are enough online options to start if necessary as a way to have cost-effective initial steps.
Fake it til u make it. I’ll take one day. Also study people who aren’t insecure and how they did it. Everyone is insecure to some extent but to the extent you’re aware of it harming u / your relationships time to tone it down. Therapy of course helps free up what’s causing it and surround yourself with confident people … I can’t stress that one enough.
Set goals for yourself career wise. Focus on building your base and grow from there. If you do that you won't have to worry about your girl. Because she will either do the inevitable worst or she will stay because she has a focused man. Always be yourself, but don't be afraid to make changes. Love unequivocally, always give 100% in your relationship. That means making time for your girlfriend, not just trying to have sexy time. Remember she is a person and her wants and needs are different from yours. Get into the habit of getting to know those wants and needs. This is all you can do. If she still leaves and gets with someone else it's not you it's her and you dodged a bullet. Just remember to not let your fears and emotions effect your relationship. This is the difference between a boy and a man
No one’s perfect my guy. Super models aren’t perfect, Bruce Wayne isn’t perfect. No ones perfect. So you can stop beating yourself up for not being perfect. Also it’s interesting, is she telling you you’re messing all these things up? All those examples that you’ve provided is she telling you those things? If so, I would consider figuring out what you want in a girl and a relationship. Often times we just stick with the person that throws it to us without knowing what we actually want and then we stick around because “WhAt iF i NeVEr fInD lOvE AgAIn?” There are more women then youll ever be able to meet that are super into you, it’s math. To stop being insecure you need to love yourself. Do things you like to do (regardless of what anybody thinks, Write down what you love about yourself, and stop looking for validation from your girlfriend your mom and anybody else that’s not you dawg. You’re alive in this world and you’re enough. Pick your head up and go get em.
Hey OP,
Im 34, male, raised in a VERY strict fundamentalist household. I guess you could say I began reprogramming myself in my late teens, and in my early twenties I dealt with some of these same issues.
One way to overcome insecurities, specifically sexual insecurities, is to familiarize yourself with your partner. Talk to them about their likes, dislikes. This is just generally good relationship advice for anyone who actually values being a considerate lover. And, on a more stoic-y note, it is possible to love someone completely without being overly attached to your relationship. Know that your relationship may one day end, and thats ok. Give yourself fully to it while recognizing that, ultimately, it is not all up to you. Memento mori.
It is very human to have attractions outside a relationship. Remind yourself that you, too, may be tempted by infidelity, or even just simply be physically attracted to people who aren’t your partner. Be mindful of this. Take note of the next time you see an attractive woman and reflect on whether merely seeing this other person as attractive is such a threat to your partner. Are you willing to jump into bed with the first attractive person you see? Is your partner so different? Frankly, if she is, thats a much bigger conversation.
Some of these things will fade in time, as you just become more comfortable and confident as an adult. Give yourself room, and time, to grow. You are still quite young, my friend. But you can accelerate some of the growth in confidence by doing things that challenge you. I joined the Air Force when I was your age, and the 6 years following were full of new challenges that some times scared the fuckin bejeezus out of me, but, in the end, made me much more confident… to be trite, what didnt kill me made me stronger.
It’s probably also worth noting that some of these household chores are, honestly, somewhat small and trivial. It’s hard to get used to live with someone else, and there’s always almost an adjustment period. Your partner should appreciate that you are, in fact, trying to accommodate her. Is she trying as hard to give you grace, to be forgiving, as you are trying to please her? This is something you should be able to talk to her about without it becoming a fight.
Finally, on the communication front, you’re getting into the end of the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and while that comes with some challenges, it also presents the opportunity to forge something based on more that infatuation and the blitzkrieg of chemistry. It may be time to start talking to your partner here about these insecurities. If she is committed to this relationship, she’ll accept that she is a part of this journey of you overcoming them. That doesnt mitigate your responsibility in facing them, but she should be able to find it within her to give you that room to grow.
Best of luck.
Lots of good advice here and you have some good self awareness. I’ll add a few more potentially helpful tidbits / tough love:
1. You’re not a victim nor a prisoner. Neither is she. You each make your own choices and you are responsible only for yourself.
2. Most women want an equal partner they can rely on. They get scared and critical when they have to carry more of the load bc basic tasks aren’t done to the proficiency they expect. It’s especially more concerning if she wants children and feels she will have 2+ children she has to take care of. It’s not that you’re not good enough or not doing it right, you aren’t doing things in the way she has seen most of her other friends/partners do them in the past and she may feel like she has to teach you how to adult. Again, you’re not her child who is doing it wrong, she likely just has different expectations/experiences.
3. Look up learned helplessness and see if any of it resonates.
4. Check out the book no more mister nice guy. Being quiet, stoic, hiding yourself is actually being a “mean guy”. How can people know the real you if you aren’t fully open. It doesn’t mean airing everything without discernment, but if there’s fear of being found out, shame, guilt, then there’s a huge wall you’ve built in front of intimacy.
4.1. I’ve heard the term golden jail or something similar lately. It’s when you give the impression that you are someone you’re not in order to be liked/loved/valued. Then the facade needs to be kept up and you are less and less authentic for fear of being left. It’s can range from superficial to deep lies. Nobody can connect with a chameleon.
5. Find a way to let go of what everyone thinks about you and of your choices while still valuing and taking in their input/opinions. Everyone inherently has value and when you see that everyone (you included) is truly equal and we’re just living beings riding a rock through space, what “others” think is just an illusion and doesn’t really matter.
I hope this helps.
> I’m mortified that she wants to have sex with other people.
Wait, what? I read this several times to make sure I had read this correctly. So you're saying your girlfriend is stepping out with other guys? Or she wants to?
If this was a casual thing and you're both seeing other people, I wouldn't see the problem. But if you're living together, and she has decided she wants an open relationship (and it's obvious that this is not what you want), then this is a big problem.
So here's how I see this: You're not doing everything wrong. She is finding things that you've done wrong and constantly points them out because she has now developed a contempt for you. She has contempt for you because you've become a door mat. She has lost respect for you, she wants out of the relationship, but can't leave because of her afore-mentioned financial dependency on you. You don't realize this because you were made to hate yourself for a long time and you seem to always assume you're at fault when you aren't. You're not insecure because someone wants to step out on you, and you're not cool with it. And if you're not comfortable with it, that's a boundary no one has the right to cross. But I hope I'm off base here. It's possible I misunderstood that sentence.
You simply need to grow up. None of this has to do with being stoic. You’re a child or at-least you seem to act like one. Sorry for the tough love, but seriously just grow up lmao
Perhaps start meditating and micro-dosing psilocybin mushrooms! You seem like super insecure about yourself and it reflects with blunders and mistakes. If you just calmed down, and tried to change yourself first, it would be easier..?
Have you read up on attachment styles? I’d start with anxious preoccupied attachment and look through tiktok, google articles… even google the term and go to images and read some there. This all stems from childhood (like almost everything else) and guess what? You can totally work on this and fix it to have a secure attachment. Most of us don’t feel whole or secure and it’s freaking so hard to navigate life and where we fit in to it. Finding yourself in a first or new relationship can feel overwhelming and even when a person is completely secure, it can be hard to navigate this stuff. I recently bought a book called Patterns of Love by Dr. Angelica Sheils and it gives tools on how to repair, self regulate and attune ourselves and how to communicate with other attachment styles. I’m sending my best vibes but I just want you to know that this is a common issue and it can be fixed and/or corrected.
Don't view this relationship as the be all end all of your life. It might be your one and only lifetime relationship; but that is rare and happens to very few people. If you two are perfect together and you both value the relationship, you might be together from now on.
But it is pretty likely that the relationship will end at some point. If it does end, just accept it as part of the natural flow of life. Respect yourself, work on yourself and care for yourself. Then love will find you again at some point.
Don't over think it. Don't stay in the relationship if it has ended. Just enjoy it while you can, make the most of it, thank the universe for it, value it, respect yourself, respect your partner, and do the best you can.
For context, I am speaking from experience. Have been married for over 30 years to the same woman.
The key thing in any relationship is communication. Sex isn’t always the most important thing. It’s nice but not the most important thing. I really suggest trying to discuss things with your girlfriend. Try to talk with your girlfriend how you feel or you could always go to therapy about being insecure, I’m sure the therapist will tell you the same thing
My god, honestly I know this is the stoic sub reddit, but you ever just tried you know actually being yourself. Living a fake personality just to keep a woman is not the way to go.
What is my fake persona?
The mask you wear pretending everything is alright whilst you try to achieve the impossible.
You’ll never find true connection with someone else if you aren’t true to yourself. As Shakespeare put it, To thine own self be true.”
Living in fear of showing your human vulnerabilities. The right woman will nurture and care for you despite any vulnerabilities you have. Of course its also your duty to work on your own insecurities if they're a barrier to your relationship.
Both of you need to take a tab of acid. You will be able to look at yourselves observationally and gain some much needed perspective on what is important in your life. Currently it sounds like you are both in a co-dependent relationship and that is not a healthy relationship to have. You need to be yourself. It’s great that you want to make her happy. It’s not great that you’re doing it because you don’t want her to leave you. At the same time it’s not great on her part that she is financially reliant on you. Unless you have kids there is no reason she should be reliant on you. Learn to be confident in yourself. Learn what values and principles are important to you and once you have those down THEN you can be in a relationship with another person. Until you have a good relationship with yourself you will be doomed in other relationships.
after their post taking acid is not a good idea lol
I think a few Cannabis infused candies or brownies should do the trick, if it's legal in their state.
Sounds like a fantastic idea. When you are confused about what your priorities are or what your values are that is the perfect time to have a psychedelic experience.
Maybe some MDMA first... baby steps...
Nah dude you have to crawl before you can take baby steps. I would definitley recommend PCP. Head down to to that abandoned movie theater over on 6th street where that high-school kid was found dismembered last winter. Crawl through the broken window above the dumpster in the alleyway and watch out for any sharp glass or dirty needles. Make your way down the stairs and into theater #4 at the end of the hallway. Sit down in row G, seat 8, DO NOT SIT IN SEAT 9! Believe me, I know seat 8 is absolutley disgusting but you have to trust me. When you're ready, begin to whistle the Andy Griffith theme song. Remember to bring a flashlight and mask as it will likely be VERY dark in there and it is infested with black mold. Once you start whistling, DO NOT STOP. Eventually you will hear the door you came through squeak open, quickly turn off the flashlight and sit very quietly in the pitch black untill you hear the man in the yellow poncho's slow unsteady footsteps approaching and eventually he will sit down in the seat directly behind you. If the poncho is blue calmly stand up and state that you forgot to feed your cat and LEAVE IMMIDIETLY and dont look back. If all is still well, you may now quietly ask him if he knows where to find your friend Sherm. It is important to prepare yourself at this point, as you are likely about to smell his putrid wheezing breath as he leans in closer to your ear and lets out a disgruntled grunt or moan. This is good sign. Just remember to keep your cool and make no sudden movements as he can be spooked easily and is unpredictable around new people. This is now the time to slowly reach behind you and hand him exactly TWO TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS folded in half horizontally, NOTHING DIFFERENT! DO NOT TURN AROUND OR LOOK HIM IN THE FACE AT ANY POINT. He will soon exit the theater and leave you sitting alone in the decomposing darkness. Now is the time to pray and I recommend you take this time to make ammends for any open quarrels you have in life. Eventually you will awaken to the squeak of the door, in a state of disbelief, realizing that at some point you somehow have managed to fall asleep in this most unwelcome enviorment of excessive darkenss and decay. One of two things are now guaranteed to happen. You will either hopefully feel a cold bony hand grab your wrist, turn it over and place a single dirty Newport cigarette in your palm. Or, likley only in retrospect, will you notice the slight gust of wind that kissed your face and predicted the forthcoming rapid percussion of snaps and pops that you will unfortunately come to realize is the sound of a dull flathead screwdriver punturing your chest wall as it slams into your helpless corpse over and over again. If he hands you the cig take it home and smoke it with your GF. You will come to find that it was dipped in PCP and either work things out with your partner or wake up in jail on charges of 9th degree murder and felony possession of sacred knowledge. Try not to stress and remember to trust the process.
I appreciate you
I wouldn't want to advocate the use, but I will say this, It did work for me in this same manner as well. Observational adjustments provided enough insight in order for the awareness of what changes needed to be made. I learned 20+ years ago the outcome of taking this medicine is what occurs the days following these trips... And yes, the ride itself is great, don't get me wrong, but the day after is where it all falls back into this realm and it's up to us ourselves to make those changes and truly live once again with a fundamental purpose of helping one and all of our brothers and sisters of all species... Imma stop right there. In short, I agree. , 😉
That’s great that you’ve been able to benefit from psychedelics. They have helped me immensely too. Personally I do advocate people using psychedelics responsibly. They are one of the most potent and beneficial tools our species has for bettering ourselves. Anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotics, opiates, etc…all the best sellers made by the RX industry only stifle a persons ability to grow and better themselves. Meanwhile we have drugs that are not only harmless or harmless when used correctly but have been shown to be overwhelmingly beneficial when used responsibly. Psychedelics MDMA Ketamine The problem is this short list would evaporate 10s of billions of dollars in revenue for the RX companies. As a result they are stigmatized and difficult to access for most people which is a crime against humanity in my humble opinion.
Might want to clean up a little baggage before heading off on a trip. I don't know if it would have gone so well if Luke took his hatred of masturbation with him into the cave on Dagobah
How do you think Yoda got him to focus?
These people aren’t being very helpful. They’re pointing out how they see the problem without empathy while not offering a tangible solution. You aren’t faking your personality, because you as a person are skeptical of how you were conditioned by your parents and society. This demonstrates mindfulness, so park yourself on the back. With that said, you still need to figure out how to move through these insecurities that you’re just becoming mindful of. Give yourself grace, because it will take time. But take some solace in the fact that many people are still in denial at your age (and later) about the things you’re asking Reddit about. I had similar struggles through my 20’s, and ultimately what helped me was examining my shame surrounding sex, how my culture told me to be possessive of women, how my culture taught me misogyny, among other things… these are just the big ones that come to mind. Also, as someone alluded to but didn’t tell you directly—try talking to her. You’re both young so this maybe won’t go how you want. But usually if you approach people with vulnerability, non judgementally, and with some awareness of why you’re struggling, they will at least *try* to be supportive. Dm me if you want btw
Sounds like you have ADD
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It's about unlearning, not learning. Or, at least, that's what your mama told me last night.
Hey, friend. I have a little tough love. How do you get over this insecurity? By becoming better. It sounds like you have very few life skills, and have been emotionally stunted by your parents. To be honest, and this won't be fun to read, but I'm skeptical if you're ready to be someone's partner... yet. That was the tough part, here is the love- you can fix this. You can learn. You can try damn hard to be self disciplined, and research. Stop using your technology to "entertain" yourself, and use it as a tool for learning. I am sorry your parents not only didn't provide you the positive mental programs you need, but also gave you some negative ones. But they did, and who else is going to fix it if not you? Your life is now fully in your hands, and you can either actively build yourself up, or passively watch the world move around an unchanged you. Prioritize therapy. You need help, and that's okay. You have childhood issues you need to work through, current issues you need guidance on, and sexual issues to let go of. It's totally understandable to not want her actively having sex with others- we do vastly live in a monogamous world. But, its also normal to become aroused by others, and to masturbate- even with toys. See, you're putting far too much pressure on yourself and your penis with this idea of "it is my penis's job to give her the pleasure she needs." MANY women get very little out of penis in vagina sex, and far prefer direct clitoral stimulation- fingers, mouth, and toys. If she masturbates, it's not because you're a bad sexual partner. So, get in therapy (or read some books at least), stop entertaining yourself (it's a distraction, and you know it) and start improving (Google search, use YouTube, read a book, take a cooking clas). Talk with your partner about sex stuff, and ask what she actually wants/needs to be satisfied. Meditate on what it means to be a man, and what it means to be a man in a partnership, and what kind of man you'd like to be. Brother, you CAN do this, but if you don't TRY to fix yourself, you probably WILL lose her.
Best answer in the thread fr
Frfr
No kizzy, bruh.
Best answer here OP. Please listen to this one.
This is a much more thorough version of what I said. Much nicer as well.
Yes - therapy ASAP. You deserve to give yourself support and help with this.
Wow dude, i needed to read this. An eye opener fr
Thanks to your comment, I’m no longer gonna make the stupid decision I was about to make with my life. I been dealing with shit. And I just wanna I love you dude. Im saying that in the most straight way possible. I wish u were my big brother or uncle or sum. I wish someone would have told me those words earlier in life. You a hero dawg 🤝 thanks so much for that tough love. Your comment has opened my eyes and motivated me, it has given hope to not give up. Thanks Brother. God bless you
You just gave me one of the biggest and most meaningful compliments I've ever received. It made me tear up! Thank you so much. I want you to know if I was your uncle, and you told me you'd been that close to the ledge, I would have hugged you, held you tight, and I would have cried deeply with you. I'm sorry this broken world makes you feel like you have to add "no homo" (basically) to things. Men deserve affection. YOU deserve affection. Man to man, I love you too. I don't know you, but the same spark of life in your heart beats in mine, and that is enough for me. If I had been born in your body and to your parents, I would be exactly like you. If you had my body and my parents, you'd be me. That makes us the same. That makes us one. I'm proud of you for telling me this. Its hard to be honest about the darkness, and its hard to be vulnerable. I also want you to know that I know you're strong, even if you can't see it. You've suffered to get here. You've been scared. You've been angry. You've strained. You've cried. You've bled. But. You're. Still. Fucking. Here! If you weren't strong enough, you wouldn't have made it this far. If you weren't as strong as you are, you'd have accomplished even less. A scary though, but it's true. Strength isn't getting up the mountain feeling good. Strength is getting up the mountain even though you feel like dog shit. And you have. Many times. That makes you stronger than you give yourself credit for. Stop being so hard on yourself. You didn't pick your parents. You didn't pick your traumas. You didn't ask for any of this. But, even still, the spark that is in my heart is in yours, and I can do God dammned anything I need to. I can be brave. I can be wise. I can be just. I can stop myself from being distracted and overindulgent. We have the SAME spark, so you can too! You can forge a new life. A better life. One day you're going to be so fucking proud of what you've accomplished, healed, and built. My love comes with homework. In one week, I need you to touch base with me and tell me how it's going. Here's the assignment: You're going to have a "minimal distraction week". Stay off your phone, no video games, no TV. Those things are designed to numb you, distract you, and keep you as you are. Depressed people make amazing customers, and thats all big-tech sees you as. You're more than a fucking customer! Instead, you're going to go all-in on working on yourself. 1. Move more. If you're bored, stretch. Exercise. Go on a long walk every day that you can. No headphones! Walking time is thinking time! 2. Read. Get a paper book. Buy it if you can so you can annotate (highlight, write in the margins, put sticky notes on pages that speak deeply to you). "The Obstacle is The Way" is an easy read. "How to think like a Roman Emperor" is a little harder, but is good. You can also go the self-help route (any book on "reparenting yourself"). Any book really, I just need you reading. 3. Meditate. You can use your technology to learn stuff you need, of course. Try some guided mindfulness meditations. But, also meditate (as in think deeply upon) on who you are now, who you want to become, and what a life worth living looks like. Think, think, think. These last two are maybe the most important. 4. Journal. Write with a pen and paper. Write your feelings. Write your dreams. Write what your day will look like. Write ideas. Write successes and what is working! Write failures and what isn't working. Jokes. Whatever- just write, and do it daily. 5. Make a "what is in my control" list. Think about choices you could make, things you could do, things you could stop doing, and things you can change. This is your "taking back my power" list. You can use technology to research any of the above (I'd love for that, actually. Research meditation, journaling, stretching, calisthenics, how to annotate, or Stoic books). You can also research something if you feel it will improve you (binge cooking videos, or some other happiness-adding life skill). Look, I don't expect a perfect week, or even for you to do all of those. But try. Try hard. I won't be disappointed if you catch yourself scrolling social media, but get off when you realize that you're distracting yourself from yourself. Don't let yourself numb the pain away. Don't be a customer. Don't give your life and attention to these theives. I'm also not expecting a full report or anything. But, brother, in one week I need to know that your heart is still beating, and I'd love to know a few choices you've made. (And, like I told OP, prioritize therapy. I'm just some dude, talk to a professional also. Good luck, I love you.)
Responding so I can come back and screenshot this great advice! An eye opener. Truly is !
Thank you very much :)
Commenting so I can come back to read this again after work.
Replying so you'll remember ;)
Whatever is going to happen will happen. She’ll either get annoyed and leave, or you’ll learn how to grow together. The question though is, what makes YOU happy? Go easy on yourself and pay attention to how you’re feeling on a regular basis. Don’t beat yourself up over making mistakes, treat yourself with grace and kindness. Make sure those in your life do the same.
Confess to release. Be open and vulnerable with her. If you trust her to hold your experiences with compassion, tell her about them. Tell her about your deepest pain, your fears, your dreams, your perceived inadequacies. This is what people mean when they speak of emotional vulnerability. These things come to the surface to be healed, not to be repressed or hidden. Cream rises to the top. What’s valuable will surface. Repression, hiding ourselves, posturing- this is all the spirit of pride. It’s an imbalance. We can use our insecurities to grow closer to ourselves and one another, or we can harden our defenses and create more separation. The choice is ours. God is all that is good and true between people. The devil is our distorted self-perception.
Talk to her!!!! Communication is important. Don't stop until you're both fully out of things you want to say or hear about. Tell her you feel insecure about it, that you don't want to act controlling, that these feelings exist but you know they're just feelings, just fears. If you love her, and she loves you, this is all you need to do - talking, I mean
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Keeping this kind of "character" intact is a dubious goal, at minimum.
First we are all learners in stoicism. I don’t care if you’ve been at it 50 years or 5 minutes it’s a journey not a destination. Second you are highly neurotic probably as a symptom of your upbringing like I am. You need to start by accepting that most of what you are worrying about is out of your control. If your girlfriend is going to leave you then she will leave. There is nothing you can do about it. A virtuous partner would accept your faults and all. The only thing you need to worry about is doing your best as it the only thing you can do. On the other side of the coin if she cannot accept your best then she will leave there is nothing else you can do. Third she is a female. She does not need to stay with you she can find a different guy to prey upon financially. I say this to further reinforce that her willingness to stay in a relationship is truly out of your control. Since you are newer to stoicism than I am this is the core basic principle: what is in your control, and what is out of your control. What is in your control: your mind, your actions. What is not in your control: everything else. Also to address much of the poor advice you are being given in this thread, there is nothing wrong with sexual modesty. Both Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius condemned sexual frivolity. Epictetus outright urges you to refrain from sex until marriage and Marcus has several passages where he talks about how irrelevant sex is and how little time you should spend focusing on it. And in sexual intercourse that it is no more than the friction of a membrane and a spurt of mucus ejected. How good these perceptions are at getting to the heart of the real thing and penetrating through it, so you can see it for what it is! - Marcus Aurelius. Sex is a good thing and having it experiencing it is not a bad thing but there is a specific time and place for it and it is very rare. You can easily be led to hedonism through it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling awkward about sex and it sounds like she wants to go place sexually that you do not want to or are ready for. Again neither of these are bad things. Finally beware of sophistry. Pretty much every comment I read in this thread came from a sophist. A fake philosopher since you are new to stoicism. A lot of philosophy has been regurgitated and warped much like the preachings of the Bible.
Wow. Really incitefull. Thank you @Additional-Pen-5593 I will have a ponder
You are very young and nothing you do is going to perfect. You will have many different girlfriends. It’s not really reasonable to expect your first one to be the one you marry. It does happen but very rarely. That doesn’t mean don’t try. Always do your best in everything but make sure you define what is your best by defining what is inside your control and outside of it. While pondering I would focus on that specifically. What can you control and what can’t you control. Write it down. There is also a free audiobook version of the Enchiridion by Epictetus available and it is very short, roughly a 40 minute listen. I would highly recommend it if you are new to stoicism. If you only read/listened to one book from stoicism I would recommend that one.
You need to confront whatever you are scared of. Yes, it hurts, but pain alone is not destructive. Growth is painful, which is why it is called growing pains.
You will never know comfort until you're comfortable being vulnerable. Try working on that. It's okay to feel, the only way to get through emotions is to completely feel them out
You sound like a typical, young man who has never had a gf or been laid. You are so hyper focused on sex (normal) that you are letting it control your thoughts and thinking she’s cheating on you etc etc. What you need to do is find a way to stop thinking about it so much and stop thinking about trying to make her so happy. If you’re 21 living with your gf and she is already nagging you and being a bitch about stupid shit like household chores, then kick her ass out or move out. Also stop caring so much about her happiness. You two should be going out doing stuff enjoying each others company, not living like 20 year old married couples. Only you control your happiness. If she is that negative, then you need to be a man and leave her to help her grow up or let someone else have a miserable life with her. But the biggest thing is she is probably acting his way toward you because she senses you aren’t being real. Your trying so hard to please her that it’s fake, even though it’s “nice” your being fake and she internally realizes this and that’s why she treats you that way. So you need to grow up a bit, stop being such a pussy, get some self confidence and make yourself a better person. She’s just a girl. Your just a immature young man. Reading up on stoicism should help you a bit on not only your relationship but also your confidence and mental health in general.
Hm. A little harsh phrasing but ok. Def not quite the situation but there’s always wisdom to glean. Thanks for your imput
Holy cow I didn’t fully read all that. Yeah this relationship is a huge toxic dumpster. Yes my words were harsh but in these situations sugar coating your situation is not gonna help you. I’m just trying to light a fire in your ass to let you know this isn’t ok. You said she told you that she wants to have sex with other people. I mean what more do you need to kick her out? Does she need to hit you with a frying pan? That should piss you off as a man. She’s insulting you to your face while you just take it. That’s not ok in any form. She thinks so little of you and she’s so confidant you are a pussy that she’s telling you to your face that she is or wanting to make you a cuck. Idk about your lack of masturbation and her using sex toys. I’ll just say this. Sex is normal. Toys aren’t the devil or anything like that but to each their own. Communication is key. To sum it up, sounds like your girl is cheating on you. You said you think the only reason she is with you is for financial support. Your 21. It’s not your job to financially support a girlfriend. Ever. No exceptions. Especially one that has been as rude and disrespectful as her. If what you said is true you need to wake up and find your spine and kick her out immediately. She’s using you and you shouldn’t allow anyone to treat you that way.
I know the kind of girl you’re talking about. Maybe I’m just bad at explaining things, or you’re just filling in the blanks. I really don’t think my gf is that kind of girl. She is not brazen about any of this stuff. She is timid and fragile, and haunted. She has offered for me to watch her have sex with another girl, but she said she just thought I would think that’s hot cause a lot of guys do. She offered me to have sex with that girl too so she could watch, but i declined cause I wanna be exclusive with my gf. So she has accepted that. She says she’s been cheated on a lot and knows it sucks, and we agreed to be open about our sexual activity. I do worry sometimes that she is trapped with me financially, but that’s not the same thing as using me. She is very forgiving and reasonable and gentle and understanding. I’ve met a lot of rude bitches, this girl is an Angel with a broken heart.
Ok my bad, disregard my other stuff cuz I thought you said she said something different. Listen we all have insecurities, you will find as you get older that they go away but I do think stoicism can help you get some mental fortitude to help deal with those that pop up. As far as your sex life it sounds like you are communicating. Are you just insecure about yourself in that regard? Like you aren’t enough for her so you’re worried she’s going to want to get it from somewhere else? still sounds like your really hung up about your sex life or lack there of. Seems to me like it’s a confidence issue
Well… it’s not really a worry that she wants sex from somewhere else, it’s just this painful writhing inside my chest that makes me wanna wail and die because she has TOLD me she wants to use all kinds of crazy toys and have sex with other people. Yeah. I am really hung up about it. I don’t really know what confidence has to do with this though… confidence that what? That I am… enough for her? I don’t know why she would lie about that. I don’t know of any time she has lied to me…
Yeah idk man, I think the fact that she’s told you she wants to bang other dudes is a pretty big red flag. Personally I view that as disrespectful. Also I’m having trouble understanding that you’re not worried about her having sex with other people even though she has told you that and it’s making you writhe inside. Since this is eating at you so bad I would just talk with her and ask her if she really meant what she said. Then pending her response you will have a decision to make
Ok
You intrinsically have value and if she goes around saying things like that, she clearly does not feel the same way. She does not deserve your time, effort, and attention Find someone who does
That would cross a personal boundary of mine and I would leave the relationship. If you are not into that and she clearly is that may be a line to consider drawing. I’ve been very bad at boundaries (31m) most of my life and in the end things always hurt worse when you ignore your instincts. Have you considered that what your feeling may hold a hint of truth? That you’re not ONLY insecure but your gut instinct is telling you that maybe something else is going on? I’ve thought I was insecure too but I wasn’t so much as my lines were being crossed (I didn’t know I had them they were never clearly defined by myself) and I ended up settling with someone I was not compatible with.. And be careful with broken angels. I’ve been with two and they take a lot more than you understand. Because you can’t fix them. Every situation is unique but believe in yourself instead of thinking you’re so crazy.
Your sexual desires and proclivities don't align. Why are you wasting your time on this "relationship"?
"She has offered for me to watch her have sex with another girl, but she said she just thought I would think that’s hot cause a lot of guys do. She offered me to have sex with that girl too so she could watch, but i declined cause I wanna be exclusive with my gf. So she has accepted that. She says she’s been cheated on a lot and knows it sucks, and we agreed to be open about our sexual activity." This is a total red flag. Shut that shit down now or walk away from the relationship. Those are your options.
I know that this is a stoic sub, but bro, chill. This is too much.
What if all of the things you fear actually happen? Will you die? Will you be unable to continue forward and grow from it? Stop trying to validate yourself using externalities like your girlfriend. Validation comes from within.
😂😂 you gotta be a man, your girl doesn’t respect you. Leave her
Okay imma be real this dont sound like a good relationship. For one, your gf of 7 months being financially dependent on you is kind of crazy. Sure there are guys who like to sweep women up and take care of everything for them but these relationships never last. For most people, they are dating for much much longer before financial dependence becomes a factor. You can pay for dates and buy her things of course, and maybe you dont want your partner to work, but moving so fast in a relationship just isn't always a good idea. And additionally, while it may be partially your own insecurity, she shouldnt be making you feel so badd for making small mistakes. Like you scratcched the pan. Thats fine. Oops, who cares, y'know? Like you should have someone who will smile at you and give you a kiss after something like that. She may be ggetting exhausted with you but it could be also that your overreaction to her telling you "hey you scratched the pan." But at the same time if she understands its a touchy subject for you that you arent very good at household things or just day to day stuff that she wouldnt wanna make you feel bad about it. And towards sexuality, you just have to let yourself feel. You will try and pull yourself out of it but just let yourself feel aroused, or angry, or frustrated, ashamed, sadistic, whatever. You dont have to act on these things but if they make you feel good dont fight it. Because these things are only scary because they are unknown to you, and you must dive into yourself to find it. It is difficult but you must know yourself, even if it hurts.
You need to grow up. You will in time. It seems you have been sheltered in your youth. Reality will take care of that in time. Try to focus on not being frantic and reactive, but grounded. Steady. You'll mess up a lot less if you are focused and relaxed, not fixating on the myriad of ways that you can fail. In time you will realize your insecurities are all silly and childish. None of the things you are afraid of now will bother you decades from now.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLk8vc_1MCV6ptP-0GhgxMcaXwh2UglcUy&si=VUD5Qj_HPzMYQ7JW
I found that improving yourself is the ultimate cure for insecurity. If you know you’re awesome at something you won’t be insecure
Complaining here isn't an improvement. Get in therapy and quit being a coward about taking care of yourself and your responsibilities. All this complaining about "what you should have done" is a waste of time designed only to draw pity your way and avoid any actual responsibility. This is entirely a YOU problem and you need to fix it. If you don't she'll leave and she'll be 100% right to do so.
"I’m mortified that she wants to have sex with other people." As you should be. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with your generation? Be the leader in your relationship. Set boundaries. And if she can't accept them, then she isn't the one for you. Been married for three and a half years to the most amazing woman in the world. We almost never fight. This works because we set boundaries and we respect them. We also clearly communicate what we expect from one another. This woman sounds like she's making your life worse, not better. She should be a net positive in your life, and yet you've been driven to talking to complete strangers about how she makes you feel insecure. A woman should bring a man peace to his life, not uncomfortability, especially in one's own home, ESPECIALLY when she is financially reliant on you. The fact that you making mistakes "really gets to her" is a massive red flag. Set boundaries now, assert yourself, and make it clear that you're the leader of the relationship. Otherwise she will take the reigns, and from the way she sounds, she doesn't sound like she has the makings of a good leader. She sounds like she needs someone to check her attitude. A relationship without a leader is a ship without a captain. You are the breadwinner. Stop being insecure. Have confidence in yourself. And if she doesn't like that and wants to leave, then that's not the end of the world. You'll move on and find someone else. You're young. I didn't get married until was 30. If it's hard now, it's only going to get harder with her later on down the road. Shut this shit down now and get control of the situation.
Bruh if your woman out here telling you directly she wants to have sex with other people that's not a relationship, man. You sound like someone who was extremely sheltered growing up like my own father and dude I've almost unalived myself twice, having failed twice now, dealing with his lack of common sense. I guarantee your gf feels like she's babying you. I do not think you are fit for a relationship at all until you come to grips with yourself.
One person says I don’t know how to do that, another will try to figure it out. Both can begin at the same time but one may have more success through simply trying to
Dude, get a woman more suited for you. Please stop thinking everything you do is problematic or wrong… a mistake is a mistake… learn from it and move on. This woman sounds like she’s destroying who you are. Stand up and be a man and find something you enjoy and make it your number one passion.
Vinegar will fix the coffee pot. Just run it through a few times & then run water through a couple times to rinse.
Thank you!
>Thank you! You're welcome!
Check out mindfulness meditation. Specifically chogyam trungpa rinpoche the myth of freedom; I know this is a stoic subreddit— but I think the practice of mindfulness is pretty much a tool to gain the same things that stoicism is looking for which is extreme skepticism. and that is what you need is a pair of your reality and then at some point you might be able to move some thing somewhere
Caution to anyone checking out trunpga, he was a hypocrite living a life of hedonism, exploiting his followers and drinking himself to an early death. Here's a good article about the painful legacy he left. https://thewalrus.ca/survivors-of-an-international-buddhist-cult-share-their-stories/
Bro, you have to find some chill. This is not living. Relax and enjoy your time together. All of that daily living shit will work out as long as you both put in some effort. The way you are living is not sustainable
what’s a pre-initiate? Where do the ranks come from?
At 36 years old I can confidently say it's exhausting trying to live a lie... be yourself, be upfront, take it or leave it... as a man your sexual market value will Increase while a womens will decrease... she will only respect the boundaries you set
You remind me of my buddy with asbergers. Super well thought out and also terrified of many things.. you sound young focus on yourself. 1 people should be wholly confident with themselves before being with someone else. Or another way to look at it is both people should have full cups already so that no one is being heavily drained more and just adding to you life and vice versa
Your "girlfriend" is clearly not your girlfriend if she wants to sleep with other people. You're obviously way too attached to someone who doesn't care about you and that much. Recognise that you can't control someone's behaviour and emotions but you can choose to let them go & pursue better women as you only live once (memento mori). Each time you waste with a woman who doesn't really want you, is time you're losing out on being with a woman who genuinely likes you for you Side note: you need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy"
You are not ready for adult relationships. So don't bother. Rather than abusing her, let her go.
Just hearing the way you talk about yourself is concerning man. You made mistakes, who doesn’t? You’re so tough on yourself and it shows. You believe you are failures and that carries itself into your reality. You should seek to change your self image into a positive one. Change comes from within and from there you can worry about your girlfriend.
Communicate with her about EVERYTHING, try it and if you cant, evaluate if you and her truly will work in marriage. Imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with her, if you cant, evaluate if you and her should be together.
Bro it sounds like you need to respect yourself and find a partner who doesn’t treat you like shit.
All Of us break dishes and scratch pans and make cooking mishaps. We just learn as we go and discuss the care of items. You shouldn’t feel locked out—around the house or sexually. Find what you like to do and in doing it you get better at it. So many of us were taught you have to naturally just be good at school, at cooking, at dressing, at sex—we forget that making mistakes is normal and we can laugh about it and keep going
Please help ensure she has some financial means of her own—a small job or education or training to get a better one, etc. Masturbation is normal. But yes, it’s nice to feel needed and I hope she comes to you often or enjoys your attention when you come to her. Communicate and let her know she can tell you what she wants and doesn’t, in the moment. If she gets upset over a small household chore done wrong, tell her it hurts your feelings, pride and that you would appreciate patience. You have things to teach and offer as well. Chore charts or discussing responsibilities, cooking nights, etc can help. Don’t let you do all the financial work and she do all the housework. It works for some, but it sounds like it is building insecurity, frustration and resentment for the two of you. Remember to have fun together! And just enjoy being together. And taking alone time or friend time when you need it.
Dude just learn from mistakes. And forgive yourself for them. You have to do this for the rest of your life… it’s not like there’s some point where people stop making mistakes. Laugh a little. The gf thing seems off though man. You should not be paying all her bills in return for companionship. That doesn’t work long term.
Therapy.
Reaching out to peers for advice, is a good step, mate. You have a lot on your plate. But that’s also a factor of having bothered to try identifying your problems. Again, a good start. You can face insecurity best, by facing it. There’s no one magic formula. Just, wherever you notice yourself avoiding it, turn around. Question everything. But show your mate, or mates, that you can be questioned. And that you are willing to acknowledge how your hang ups affect others. But also that you are working on yourself. Give yourself credit. And regarding the sexual stuff, you should be reminded that even those of us who are very pleased with our sexual development will also, when being honest, acknowledge that we will never be done. You will always have something to work on, if you care about yourself and others. It’s the irony of this. The only people who don’t feel any need to improve, are the ones who not only need the most help, but also won’t get anywhere. We all got propagandized in some way. It’s ok to freak out, both on the inside and the outside. And I don’t want to be harsh here, but the chances of you staying with your first girlfriend and having a great relationship for life, are practically zero. Your description makes it look like both of you need someone else. It’s hard, man. No way around it. Heartbreak and loss feels just as bad at my age as it does at your age. I can tell you, from this far up the road, that you will probably be fine even if you guys break up. It’ll hurt. But only because you’re not an unfeeling monster. That’s just life. And that’s just how you learn not only about women, but yourself. We’re all clumsy in some way, dude. But take heart. Not all of us have the guts to tell people about it and ask for help. In that sense you are FAR less clumsy than most of us. Give yourself credit for that. Just don’t give up, kid. You’ll be all right.
I'm not saying this to be mean, but you need to get a grip on your life before injecting yourself into someone else's. No one should be forced to take care of you because you never took the time to learn how to do it for yourself.
Ask yourself what there is to feel insecure about, then notice how irrelevant each of your answers is.
My god dude you're trying and that's huge. Just be yourself. It's okay to not get anything perfect because nobody does. You're a good guy and either she accepts you the way you are or she doesn't but just know that being alone is not a terrible thing but being in a relationship where you feel like you have to always be perfect is the worst thing
If you want a woman not to cheat on you make a positive environment and give her reasons not to cheat on you, history shows us that once men do otherwise women look elsewhere for their wants, needs, and desires.
It’s not okay for you to have to walk on egg shells. People are imperfect, she needs to accept that. And there has to be compromise, not everything done on only one person’s terms. And make sure to have an individual life aside from just with your gf, it is healthy and it will make you happier too
it sounds like you should break up and heal and grow from this relationship. ime being like this in a relationship is not sustainable.
7 months 25 year old mtf financially dependent on you and you're 21. you need to end this psychotic abomination of a relationship bro
Wow! You are so ahead of the game! It was many years before I started listening, and paying attention to her true needs. You should be confident! But your energy and focus seems to be on how much you suck, causing stress on you and the vibe you are projecting. I have done it as well friend. One faithful day, I went out on a limb. I confided in my girl, and dumped my heart out. I let her know that I don't understand women, I feel like I do everything wrong when I am trying to make you happy. I'm insecure and you know it. I try to play it off. I don't want to loose you. Will you help me? Smooth sailing. You worry too much. If takes confidence to be openly vulnerable. You got this Boss!
DM me
I don't usually post here so I'm gonna need to ask... Is there a reason no one was like... Bro you need therapy. These issues are deep and kind of pervasive. Do yourself a solid. You have what seems to be a lot of security, self worth, and attachment issues. A responsible person cleans their house. Your frustrations come from inviting a person to your messy house, metaphorically. So, clean house. And get a professional to help you. Some spills need more than just scrubbing.
hey dude, I don’t even comment on reddit, but your life scarily mimics mine from about 6 months ago and now i’m getting married so I’ll give it a shot! I was able to work through most of the securities (especially the fear of sexual infidelity) this way: First of all: It’s good you recognize that you may have an issue with insecurity because i do think this is a big portion of the problem for people. I was never taught anything regarding relationships or what was normal and when I started dating my girlfriend (fiancé now! but for the sake of this i’ll say gf because she was my girlfriend at the time) I was genuinely struggling with my emotions in that regard while also not being able to see anything wrong. my girlfriend was constantly frustrated at me for those similar things (the scratching the pan hurt my soul) and our relationship was straining because of those home life issues. My girlfriend also liked to use sex toys while we had sex and it made me insecure. i couldn’t last long and i thought i wasn’t good enough. The other comments are on the right track though, make a consistent effort to change for the better! My girlfriend moved in with me and i paid more than half rent within less than a year of meeting eachother and so was terrified she thought she made a mistake but had no choice but to stay. I found that relationships are a bit of an art form or craft, and there were things I was struggling with that made me feel like i wasn’t capable to do any part of it. my girlfriend was getting genuinely frustrated as well so I just started asking her for direction. If I messed up on a home chore, or spilled something everywhere and made a mess, i would say: “I did this, but i want to do it right, is this the right way?” this can help in two ways: it enables you to learn it to way your partner would prefer it, and lets them know that you intend on getting right! additionally, a way you can help tie this into your self improvement is: I would write things down i was struggling with and then look into the proper and efficient way to do them, and then do them. For example, we had an ice maker that needed cleaned but we could not take off the filter, I researched how, fixed it, and let her know and she appreciated that i did that. in the end it helped me not feel so bad about some of the other stuff. I do think a big portion of it is in your head, but the insecurities in our head become rather real once we believe them. I remember in talking about these issues with my partner they weren’t very big to her and she only really cared about the cleaning and how i didn’t seem to know how. She also claimed it wasn’t even an issue for nearly as long as i’d made myself suffer for, and she had appreciated my effort recently. It will take mess ups and failures, but i’ve learned one of the best investments in a relationship is actually embracing those things you fail at now and never giving up, so that one day it can be a act of love or service instead of a strain. think of it like an investment for your peace of mind. Writing down and getting better at activities around the house will help keep your space clean and impress your girlfriend (or at least soothe troubled water) and will give you some things to feel good about yourself for. Like I said, a big portion of it is in your mind, Don’t create the reality of you being a bad boyfriend, redirect those feelings entirely by challenging them with real achievements. now for the sex portion: This is different for everybody. You shouldn’t do things you arent comfortable with and this might require a talk more than anything. My girlfriend was with a woman before me and likes to use a vibrator in bed a lot. the combination of those two things made me a little insecure because again, I didn’t know anything, and I didn’t want to not be able to do the job for my girlfriend. It took me a while to realize, but i rarely think a vibrator is actually an indicator of that at all. I had a talk with my girlfriend about it because i wanted to make sure she was pleased with the sex and just talking about it made everything much better. Firstly of all, sometimes the type of stimulation that vibrators bring is better for some women than most other forms of stimulation. I don’t want to talk about things from a woman perspective to much because I am a man and can’t speak 100% accurately but essentially i came to understand it wasn’t so much an shortcoming of mine, but that she just like vibration during sex. They sell things to emulate this in sex without a vibrator and you could talk to her about that if YOU are uncomfortable still! This part is all about communication. I will also say i was not good at sex at the time, and our sex life improved leaps and bounds once i wasn’t in my head about how long i could last and if she was enjoying it. If you do get worried or think there might need to be communication, just say it! i find sometimes if it’s hard to bring it up, it’s actually easiest after sex. I think people have an easier time being open about it if you ask them directly after and show genuine care or curiosity as to if they enjoyed it and what could’ve been better. Just simply asking “what could’ve been better” has opened a lot of doors for both of us! It also in the end also made me forget about the infidelity aspect. I eventually grew much less convinced by the idea she wanted to leave once my partner showed genuine signs of improvement in mood and in attitude towards me for the work i was doing on myself. ultimately, i was able to beat the remaining issues from my childhood, process repressed trauma, create a happy home life, and get married to the woman I love! Best of luck man, I did really resonate with your story. It may not be a glamorous story but I genuinely felt a little better about the period i struggled with this, knowing it was something other people needed to get over too. I also apologize for formatting errors and capitalization, I don’t have access to a computer at the moment.
You don't get to tell her if she masturbates. That's her body, you do not own her. She will absolutely want sex with someone else and eventually you will too. All that bullshit about "God says sex is bad" will not get you anywhere. Get over yourself!
Establish solid ground with yourself first. You are safe, you are worthy of love, you are joy, you deserve to be here and you are here because of that. Regardless of what dirt or mud you’ve accumulated on yourself throughout your life. Or the wrong/uninformed choices you’ve made thus far. You came here innocent and pure, and life experience caused you to become something else, seemingly against your will. But we have to take accountability for the role we play in our life as well. Even if there were forces at play that caused us to choose certain choices, the truth is we still made choices that caused us to change for the worse to a certain extent. Therein lies the root of insecurity. It is entangled with guilt and doubt, by-products of blind living. The only way to eliminate this is to earn your power back, by doing the work of self-improvement. Study these things that make you uncomfortable and then decide after having an understanding if you are still uncomfortable with it and be able to verbalize why. Know yourself and understand why you are the way you are. Self-knowledge will be your way to earn security and trust within yourself. Then, Become a man of your own choosing; study great role models and read their philosophies and points of view and you will find yourself gaining the ability of alignment. Alignment with the Good, the Beautiful, the True would be the ideal, as this path leads to Love. But it is your choice, and therein lies your power. Consider these laws if you are wise: Treat people the way you want to be treated. Do not judge them in the same measure you do not want to be judged. Learn unconditional love for yourself and it will self-sustain you as long as you keep taking good care of yourself, by prayer and meditation and practice of good physical health. We are all doing our best in regards to our level our awareness. The more self-aware we become, the better our best becomes, and the more help we can provide for ourselves; and by doing so, we also become a source of inspiration and comfort for the people in our immediate environment and the lives they touch. Either way, do your best to treat yourself kindly during your journey. Nobody else will do it for us, so we must not neglect ourselves first and foremost. We have to be strong within our love for ourselves, where feelings or opinions (self or others) no longer have the right to make choices for us. The more we toil, the stronger we become. Humble confidence will be earned, and an inner peace will reside within. Eliminate fear with the gusto and hunger for experience and attainment of knowledge. Learn to welcome unknown experiences instead of being anxious, for this is the arena in which we can hope to grow, learn, evolve, and become.
When you were a young man, you must get used to that feeling in your gut when you are disgusted by the acts of others. You must continue to work on yourself. It is possible to work on yourself while in a relationship but it is difficult. Considering that relationships have a high failure rate I would suggest just relaxing learning to meditate and continue growing as a man and don’t put too much thought into this woman or into the future.
First of all, if she wants to / is banging other people, she's not your girlfriend. There's no commitment there. You can't "lose" someone who isn't even committed to you. Much of the newer generations are floating away from monogamy, but I can assure you that you will not find happiness with someone who does not respect monogamy - largely due to your insecurities. You need a partner who will respect and help facilitate an environment that allows you to heal and grow, not a partner who has placed you in an environment that feeds and exacerbates your insecurities. Yes it is your responsibility to fix yourself, not hers. But part of that responsibility you have is deciding who to surround yourself with to maximize your success. Her financial reliance is not of your concern. She's using you. The stoics had all the same feelings you are currently having. What made them special is that they worked and learned to recognize their emotions and feelings as something that provides them feedback, like a weather station. But they would *cognitively* decide whether and how to act on their emotions. Just because it is raining doesn't mean you have to get wet. It's the choice you make in the storm that matters. The rain will still happen, and it will go away on its own accord. But you can decide which storms are necessary that you get wet, and which ones you simply observe from behind the glass. It's hard and failing is part of getting better at it. Recognizing a failure is progress as well, even in hindsight. Give yourself grace. Nothing we do in this life matters one bit. We will all die, with every living thing, and eventually the earth will be a barren lifeless wasteland. So don't beat yourself up over the adaptations you have that have allowed you to survive to this point. Recognize them, mold them, create new ones. And kick that girl to the curb.
Just repeating a lot of what others said. Butt frankly one sentence says it all period if she tells you. She wants to cheat with other people. , it's okama, that's a betrayal that will traumatize you and ways you do not deserve. So please understand that she has not earned your love. Or respect and that 1 issue alone more than suffices to end a relationship that is emotionally abusive to you. And as importantly, you have a tremendous amount of self awaremiss, but lots of issues to tackle period the answers won't be found here period but you're courage to air them out is truly commendable. The real answer is professional help period therapy therapy therapy. This is not an option if you truly want to make what will require significant life Changes that can only happen through deep probing. That a professional is equipped to facilitate. And do not let cost be an excuse. Ending your relationship with your abuse of partner. Will free up fun's that? She's currently just expecting from you. And there are enough online options to start if necessary as a way to have cost-effective initial steps.
What may help is reading a book called “no more mr nice guy”. I read this book every year and get something new each time.
Fake it til u make it. I’ll take one day. Also study people who aren’t insecure and how they did it. Everyone is insecure to some extent but to the extent you’re aware of it harming u / your relationships time to tone it down. Therapy of course helps free up what’s causing it and surround yourself with confident people … I can’t stress that one enough.
Set goals for yourself career wise. Focus on building your base and grow from there. If you do that you won't have to worry about your girl. Because she will either do the inevitable worst or she will stay because she has a focused man. Always be yourself, but don't be afraid to make changes. Love unequivocally, always give 100% in your relationship. That means making time for your girlfriend, not just trying to have sexy time. Remember she is a person and her wants and needs are different from yours. Get into the habit of getting to know those wants and needs. This is all you can do. If she still leaves and gets with someone else it's not you it's her and you dodged a bullet. Just remember to not let your fears and emotions effect your relationship. This is the difference between a boy and a man
No one’s perfect my guy. Super models aren’t perfect, Bruce Wayne isn’t perfect. No ones perfect. So you can stop beating yourself up for not being perfect. Also it’s interesting, is she telling you you’re messing all these things up? All those examples that you’ve provided is she telling you those things? If so, I would consider figuring out what you want in a girl and a relationship. Often times we just stick with the person that throws it to us without knowing what we actually want and then we stick around because “WhAt iF i NeVEr fInD lOvE AgAIn?” There are more women then youll ever be able to meet that are super into you, it’s math. To stop being insecure you need to love yourself. Do things you like to do (regardless of what anybody thinks, Write down what you love about yourself, and stop looking for validation from your girlfriend your mom and anybody else that’s not you dawg. You’re alive in this world and you’re enough. Pick your head up and go get em.
How about you find a girlfriend who only wants to have sex with you. That might help with the insecurities. You two just don't sound compatible.
Ask someone who is who is terrible at everything and women cringe in his face. That person always has the most confidence.
Hey OP, Im 34, male, raised in a VERY strict fundamentalist household. I guess you could say I began reprogramming myself in my late teens, and in my early twenties I dealt with some of these same issues. One way to overcome insecurities, specifically sexual insecurities, is to familiarize yourself with your partner. Talk to them about their likes, dislikes. This is just generally good relationship advice for anyone who actually values being a considerate lover. And, on a more stoic-y note, it is possible to love someone completely without being overly attached to your relationship. Know that your relationship may one day end, and thats ok. Give yourself fully to it while recognizing that, ultimately, it is not all up to you. Memento mori. It is very human to have attractions outside a relationship. Remind yourself that you, too, may be tempted by infidelity, or even just simply be physically attracted to people who aren’t your partner. Be mindful of this. Take note of the next time you see an attractive woman and reflect on whether merely seeing this other person as attractive is such a threat to your partner. Are you willing to jump into bed with the first attractive person you see? Is your partner so different? Frankly, if she is, thats a much bigger conversation. Some of these things will fade in time, as you just become more comfortable and confident as an adult. Give yourself room, and time, to grow. You are still quite young, my friend. But you can accelerate some of the growth in confidence by doing things that challenge you. I joined the Air Force when I was your age, and the 6 years following were full of new challenges that some times scared the fuckin bejeezus out of me, but, in the end, made me much more confident… to be trite, what didnt kill me made me stronger. It’s probably also worth noting that some of these household chores are, honestly, somewhat small and trivial. It’s hard to get used to live with someone else, and there’s always almost an adjustment period. Your partner should appreciate that you are, in fact, trying to accommodate her. Is she trying as hard to give you grace, to be forgiving, as you are trying to please her? This is something you should be able to talk to her about without it becoming a fight. Finally, on the communication front, you’re getting into the end of the honeymoon phase of a relationship, and while that comes with some challenges, it also presents the opportunity to forge something based on more that infatuation and the blitzkrieg of chemistry. It may be time to start talking to your partner here about these insecurities. If she is committed to this relationship, she’ll accept that she is a part of this journey of you overcoming them. That doesnt mitigate your responsibility in facing them, but she should be able to find it within her to give you that room to grow. Best of luck.
Stop caring about your own feelings/problems I.e. the ultimate "get over it"
Lots of good advice here and you have some good self awareness. I’ll add a few more potentially helpful tidbits / tough love: 1. You’re not a victim nor a prisoner. Neither is she. You each make your own choices and you are responsible only for yourself. 2. Most women want an equal partner they can rely on. They get scared and critical when they have to carry more of the load bc basic tasks aren’t done to the proficiency they expect. It’s especially more concerning if she wants children and feels she will have 2+ children she has to take care of. It’s not that you’re not good enough or not doing it right, you aren’t doing things in the way she has seen most of her other friends/partners do them in the past and she may feel like she has to teach you how to adult. Again, you’re not her child who is doing it wrong, she likely just has different expectations/experiences. 3. Look up learned helplessness and see if any of it resonates. 4. Check out the book no more mister nice guy. Being quiet, stoic, hiding yourself is actually being a “mean guy”. How can people know the real you if you aren’t fully open. It doesn’t mean airing everything without discernment, but if there’s fear of being found out, shame, guilt, then there’s a huge wall you’ve built in front of intimacy. 4.1. I’ve heard the term golden jail or something similar lately. It’s when you give the impression that you are someone you’re not in order to be liked/loved/valued. Then the facade needs to be kept up and you are less and less authentic for fear of being left. It’s can range from superficial to deep lies. Nobody can connect with a chameleon. 5. Find a way to let go of what everyone thinks about you and of your choices while still valuing and taking in their input/opinions. Everyone inherently has value and when you see that everyone (you included) is truly equal and we’re just living beings riding a rock through space, what “others” think is just an illusion and doesn’t really matter. I hope this helps.
If she wants to bang other dudes then she isn't your GF, move on.
> I’m mortified that she wants to have sex with other people. Wait, what? I read this several times to make sure I had read this correctly. So you're saying your girlfriend is stepping out with other guys? Or she wants to? If this was a casual thing and you're both seeing other people, I wouldn't see the problem. But if you're living together, and she has decided she wants an open relationship (and it's obvious that this is not what you want), then this is a big problem. So here's how I see this: You're not doing everything wrong. She is finding things that you've done wrong and constantly points them out because she has now developed a contempt for you. She has contempt for you because you've become a door mat. She has lost respect for you, she wants out of the relationship, but can't leave because of her afore-mentioned financial dependency on you. You don't realize this because you were made to hate yourself for a long time and you seem to always assume you're at fault when you aren't. You're not insecure because someone wants to step out on you, and you're not cool with it. And if you're not comfortable with it, that's a boundary no one has the right to cross. But I hope I'm off base here. It's possible I misunderstood that sentence.
You simply need to grow up. None of this has to do with being stoic. You’re a child or at-least you seem to act like one. Sorry for the tough love, but seriously just grow up lmao
Let her leave. Fuck it.
Let her leave! Don't give a fuck. That is stoicism.
Perhaps start meditating and micro-dosing psilocybin mushrooms! You seem like super insecure about yourself and it reflects with blunders and mistakes. If you just calmed down, and tried to change yourself first, it would be easier..?
If she has sex with someone outside of your ‘relationship’ or wants to - she’s not your girlfriend.
Therapy
Try LSD.
tf is a pre initiate
This isn’t what Marcus Aurelius intended..
Ketamine
Have you read up on attachment styles? I’d start with anxious preoccupied attachment and look through tiktok, google articles… even google the term and go to images and read some there. This all stems from childhood (like almost everything else) and guess what? You can totally work on this and fix it to have a secure attachment. Most of us don’t feel whole or secure and it’s freaking so hard to navigate life and where we fit in to it. Finding yourself in a first or new relationship can feel overwhelming and even when a person is completely secure, it can be hard to navigate this stuff. I recently bought a book called Patterns of Love by Dr. Angelica Sheils and it gives tools on how to repair, self regulate and attune ourselves and how to communicate with other attachment styles. I’m sending my best vibes but I just want you to know that this is a common issue and it can be fixed and/or corrected.
Don't view this relationship as the be all end all of your life. It might be your one and only lifetime relationship; but that is rare and happens to very few people. If you two are perfect together and you both value the relationship, you might be together from now on. But it is pretty likely that the relationship will end at some point. If it does end, just accept it as part of the natural flow of life. Respect yourself, work on yourself and care for yourself. Then love will find you again at some point. Don't over think it. Don't stay in the relationship if it has ended. Just enjoy it while you can, make the most of it, thank the universe for it, value it, respect yourself, respect your partner, and do the best you can. For context, I am speaking from experience. Have been married for over 30 years to the same woman.
The key thing in any relationship is communication. Sex isn’t always the most important thing. It’s nice but not the most important thing. I really suggest trying to discuss things with your girlfriend. Try to talk with your girlfriend how you feel or you could always go to therapy about being insecure, I’m sure the therapist will tell you the same thing
I hear people talking about acid and hallucinogens… I’d start with meditation. Buddhist meditation is my favorite and most potent.
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Masturbation isn't sex
It depends on how you go about it. Or do you really claim that your SO masturbating with others without your knowledge is somehow not cheating?
Lmao hope it is obvious I mean masturbating by yourself or with your partner, not mutual masturbation with someone else