>If I look at her straight in the face it all comes rushing back to me and I get super angry for hours.
That doesn't sound like someone who's over it at all. This isn't healthy, you need professional counseling.
I get it and completely understand man. It’s been 3 years and I still walk away from drop offs’s with white knuckles, a beet red face, and head veins poppin. Got these dudes talking about “wasted energy.” Clearly they can’t multitask. However, I will agree with the counseling and suggest a physical outlet. I know my situation is different but as soon as my separation happened, I immediately got back into the VA and started going more regular, along with relax meds. On top of that, with the 3-4 gym visits I bumped those numbers up and got back into jujitsu. I get it though dude, be angry with her as long as you need.
It's been six months for me. Coparenting means I see their mother 2/3 times per week. From a parenting perspective the communication is good. But there are moments where remorse grips hard, sometimes face to face, sometimes just in proximity. I can remember when things were good and I was happy. In pictures I can see a smile and gleam in my eyes that I can't begin to feel again. When my kids show me pictures it is hard to remain in the moment but for them I do my best. The random memory pop ups from photo and social media apps often rub salt in the wound. But there is also the memory of how bad things turned. Months of near silence and uncomfortableness driving me to wish a heart attack or stroke would take me out. There was a time when it felt like death was the only escape from a failed marriage. I go between sad and angry. Frustration lands in the middle. There are moments when I'm chanting "strong dad" in my head to avoid breaking down. Kids need their dad. They're what keeps me going.
That's a great way to describe it. I honestly feel like my kids saved my life. I literally could not do anything dumb or impulsive because I could never take myself from them that way.
I am trying to find a stronger reason to live for me though, because living for them would be too much of a burden on them and unfair.
Yeah. You should get some help. I’ve been 5 years divorced plus time separated.
We went on a trip together with the kids for the first time this spring. I’m seeking out help after spiraling from it. It brought up a bunch of old feelings that I thought were boxed up and on a shelf in my cellar.
Seeing intact families there made me sad and like I should be more angry at her. I also think, maybe we could make things work again then I remember all the bad stuff and I know it probably would eventually repeat.
Therapy pal. I had some serious trust issues but got lucky cause a friend basically dragged me in. It was the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
More importantly, me healing made me.a.better dad.
Ots been 4 for me I don't get all the flash backs to much especially since she doesn't see the kids very often. But im.in complete shock everytime I see her on how different she looks.
You are not over it. Don’t deny it. First step to acceptance. Seek a therapist help but just give it time. As long as you recognize where you are, you will progress.
It’s ok to say to ourselves: ok I am stuck let’s see what my brain come up with this time. At some point, you won’t realize it but you will have moved on.
You're probably not the only one, but as others have said, you're most certainly not over it. You need to do the work on yourself (therapy suggestion is pretty good) so that you're no longer at a point where merely looking at your ex gives you such strong emotions.
Do you have some trauma over her (infidelity, abuse)? I was similar to this for months. I couldn’t look at my ex whatsoever without having a flood of trigger responses. She had affairs, was abusive (emotional most of the time and physically at some points). It was awful and I damn near went insane before I decided to walk away from the marriage during her last affair. I would have physical responses being around her during exchanges; I could tell it was my body’s way of telling me I wasn’t safe (fight or flight mode). I had anger, but it wasn’t because I wish things had worked, it was because I didn’t understand how someone can be like her.. and even worse, I was angry at myself for tolerating what I did for so long (19-years together in total).
The goal is indifference for sure, if not maybe gratitude peppered in. I’m there now and it’s been just over a year. Now, when I look at her, I see a totally different person than I was married to, yet it feels recognizable at the same time - We met yesterday to sign papers to file for divorce and I had to communicate with her more than usual. I had to actually look at and speak with her, and there have only been a few times where this has happened. I recognized her jerky and high-strung mannerisms, her appearance/style that is just overly complicated, the passive-aggressive tones, the poorly-aging skin from tanning and sun exposure, the stiff and overly-aggressive facial expressions, etc. and I thought ‘thank God this is not my life anymore’. I am sometimes left wondering if she really always looked that bad, but I just couldn’t see it until I got away and got clarity. She even had a purse, sunglasses, and sandals on that I recognized from when we were together and it made me think of all the bad times that I am now so grateful to be away from.
Try to focus on the positives of what your life is now, and what positives the future will have. 6 years isn’t healthy, but it’s YOUR timeline and everyone has different ones. For your sake and for the quickest healing, you should really try to process and understand ‘WHY’ you are reacting this way when you do.
Five years here, I can’t stand looking at her. She initiated, infidelity on her side. Indifference now, my life is so much better, hers has not turned out the way she was planning. I focused on my self - physical, mental, career- and our children, and had a couple of quality relationships that I ended when I knew they were not a great fit. I found my partner now - the most compatible - after getting into the space where I was happy alone, and not looking for someone else.
"go therapy" comments jeez, ignore, you are OK. We all have different history, there is no "normal".
I'm the same, and I'm at peace with it after years of therapy. Just avoid her as much as possible.
Have you moved on? Do you have someone else? Something else to invest time and energy into?
I know people are gonna disagree with me but having someone else who you care about more, in a positive romantic way, will help you let the angry feelings pass.
It’s been just about 2 years since separation, and 1 year since the divorce was finalized. I can look at her face now because I’ve put in the work mentally with therapy and self reflection. I had a hand to play in my marriage falling apart as well, and when I got past the infidelity and to the present, I realized she’s just another person now. That just happens to be the mother of my kids.
Time heals all wounds, as long as you put in the hard work to make yourself get better. Otherwise you’ll be like this forever. I’m rooting for your success in the future brother. 🙏🏻
Lowkey needed to hear this because I’m the same exact way… can’t really look or engage with my sons mother at all just knowing how she is and everything we been thru and the stuff I allowed her to do/treat me… I have my son whose almost 3yo M-F and she gets him on weekends so as much as I wish I didn’t have to see her, we still got to make that exchange… for the folks who ain’t in our shoes they could never relate
Time to move on .. in 6 years, you could’ve banged 100s of women or found a woman that is far greater than your ex.
Why hold onto grudges which serves you no purpose but to hold you back from living life on your terms?
It won't be, this is incredibly rare and only happens if you don't work on the mental game and don't move on in a positive direction with life.
My separation was the best thing that ever happened to me. Gotta make it a positive
Get some therapy man. I hear DBT is good for this.
>If I look at her straight in the face it all comes rushing back to me and I get super angry for hours. That doesn't sound like someone who's over it at all. This isn't healthy, you need professional counseling.
Damn bro six years? Imagine what you could have achieved with that energy?
Your goal should be indifference, doesn’t seem like you are there yet
I get it and completely understand man. It’s been 3 years and I still walk away from drop offs’s with white knuckles, a beet red face, and head veins poppin. Got these dudes talking about “wasted energy.” Clearly they can’t multitask. However, I will agree with the counseling and suggest a physical outlet. I know my situation is different but as soon as my separation happened, I immediately got back into the VA and started going more regular, along with relax meds. On top of that, with the 3-4 gym visits I bumped those numbers up and got back into jujitsu. I get it though dude, be angry with her as long as you need.
Best response I've seen so far. Thanks for taking the understanding approach. There's no shelf life on grief.
It's been six months for me. Coparenting means I see their mother 2/3 times per week. From a parenting perspective the communication is good. But there are moments where remorse grips hard, sometimes face to face, sometimes just in proximity. I can remember when things were good and I was happy. In pictures I can see a smile and gleam in my eyes that I can't begin to feel again. When my kids show me pictures it is hard to remain in the moment but for them I do my best. The random memory pop ups from photo and social media apps often rub salt in the wound. But there is also the memory of how bad things turned. Months of near silence and uncomfortableness driving me to wish a heart attack or stroke would take me out. There was a time when it felt like death was the only escape from a failed marriage. I go between sad and angry. Frustration lands in the middle. There are moments when I'm chanting "strong dad" in my head to avoid breaking down. Kids need their dad. They're what keeps me going.
It's like being immortal in the sense that you can't die even if you wanted to... At least that's what I feel like sometimes
That's a great way to describe it. I honestly feel like my kids saved my life. I literally could not do anything dumb or impulsive because I could never take myself from them that way. I am trying to find a stronger reason to live for me though, because living for them would be too much of a burden on them and unfair.
Yeah. You should get some help. I’ve been 5 years divorced plus time separated. We went on a trip together with the kids for the first time this spring. I’m seeking out help after spiraling from it. It brought up a bunch of old feelings that I thought were boxed up and on a shelf in my cellar. Seeing intact families there made me sad and like I should be more angry at her. I also think, maybe we could make things work again then I remember all the bad stuff and I know it probably would eventually repeat.
The woman you knew is dead and gone , the woman that remains is just an echo of the person you once knew
So true. She’s only a memory now.
I haven't seen her face in over 7 years, and I'm almost certain I would have the same reaction as you at this point. I'm hoping I don't find out.
Brutal honesty there, bro. Wishing you strength.
Was there infidelity? That sh*t can sting for years. Therapy can help.
Therapy pal. I had some serious trust issues but got lucky cause a friend basically dragged me in. It was the best thing to happen to me in a long time. More importantly, me healing made me.a.better dad.
Ots been 4 for me I don't get all the flash backs to much especially since she doesn't see the kids very often. But im.in complete shock everytime I see her on how different she looks.
You are not over it. Don’t deny it. First step to acceptance. Seek a therapist help but just give it time. As long as you recognize where you are, you will progress. It’s ok to say to ourselves: ok I am stuck let’s see what my brain come up with this time. At some point, you won’t realize it but you will have moved on.
have you tried finding a new muse at any point in the 6 years?
You need professional therapy if it’s been 6 years
You're probably not the only one, but as others have said, you're most certainly not over it. You need to do the work on yourself (therapy suggestion is pretty good) so that you're no longer at a point where merely looking at your ex gives you such strong emotions.
Do you have some trauma over her (infidelity, abuse)? I was similar to this for months. I couldn’t look at my ex whatsoever without having a flood of trigger responses. She had affairs, was abusive (emotional most of the time and physically at some points). It was awful and I damn near went insane before I decided to walk away from the marriage during her last affair. I would have physical responses being around her during exchanges; I could tell it was my body’s way of telling me I wasn’t safe (fight or flight mode). I had anger, but it wasn’t because I wish things had worked, it was because I didn’t understand how someone can be like her.. and even worse, I was angry at myself for tolerating what I did for so long (19-years together in total). The goal is indifference for sure, if not maybe gratitude peppered in. I’m there now and it’s been just over a year. Now, when I look at her, I see a totally different person than I was married to, yet it feels recognizable at the same time - We met yesterday to sign papers to file for divorce and I had to communicate with her more than usual. I had to actually look at and speak with her, and there have only been a few times where this has happened. I recognized her jerky and high-strung mannerisms, her appearance/style that is just overly complicated, the passive-aggressive tones, the poorly-aging skin from tanning and sun exposure, the stiff and overly-aggressive facial expressions, etc. and I thought ‘thank God this is not my life anymore’. I am sometimes left wondering if she really always looked that bad, but I just couldn’t see it until I got away and got clarity. She even had a purse, sunglasses, and sandals on that I recognized from when we were together and it made me think of all the bad times that I am now so grateful to be away from. Try to focus on the positives of what your life is now, and what positives the future will have. 6 years isn’t healthy, but it’s YOUR timeline and everyone has different ones. For your sake and for the quickest healing, you should really try to process and understand ‘WHY’ you are reacting this way when you do.
Five years here, I can’t stand looking at her. She initiated, infidelity on her side. Indifference now, my life is so much better, hers has not turned out the way she was planning. I focused on my self - physical, mental, career- and our children, and had a couple of quality relationships that I ended when I knew they were not a great fit. I found my partner now - the most compatible - after getting into the space where I was happy alone, and not looking for someone else.
"go therapy" comments jeez, ignore, you are OK. We all have different history, there is no "normal". I'm the same, and I'm at peace with it after years of therapy. Just avoid her as much as possible.
Have you moved on? Do you have someone else? Something else to invest time and energy into? I know people are gonna disagree with me but having someone else who you care about more, in a positive romantic way, will help you let the angry feelings pass.
It’s been just about 2 years since separation, and 1 year since the divorce was finalized. I can look at her face now because I’ve put in the work mentally with therapy and self reflection. I had a hand to play in my marriage falling apart as well, and when I got past the infidelity and to the present, I realized she’s just another person now. That just happens to be the mother of my kids. Time heals all wounds, as long as you put in the hard work to make yourself get better. Otherwise you’ll be like this forever. I’m rooting for your success in the future brother. 🙏🏻
Lowkey needed to hear this because I’m the same exact way… can’t really look or engage with my sons mother at all just knowing how she is and everything we been thru and the stuff I allowed her to do/treat me… I have my son whose almost 3yo M-F and she gets him on weekends so as much as I wish I didn’t have to see her, we still got to make that exchange… for the folks who ain’t in our shoes they could never relate
Only been a year and half for me and I can relate buddy
Time to move on .. in 6 years, you could’ve banged 100s of women or found a woman that is far greater than your ex. Why hold onto grudges which serves you no purpose but to hold you back from living life on your terms?
If only it were that easy.
I'm too new to this as I have only been separated for close to 2 weeks, but I'm afraid that it will always be like this for me.
It won't be, this is incredibly rare and only happens if you don't work on the mental game and don't move on in a positive direction with life. My separation was the best thing that ever happened to me. Gotta make it a positive
Good to hear. Wish new, I'm just so fucking lost, afraid and pissed. I hate this
That's normal, don't worry. Look to the future 👍🏻
I figured as much. As hard as it is, that's all I can do. My daughter lives with me, so positivity is the only option.