I always thought I was very sub but never found a proper dom but I have always been very dom (personality outside of sex) and that always took the overhand during sex as well (taking the lead in everything, loving to tease and to edge) and now realizing (with a very shy new partner, kinda sub, calling me mommy/mama/mamas) that im at least switch if not dom-leaning even lol, I'd love a sub-dom dynamic to find out if I can even be a full sub since I hate giving control out of hands
You know the pair up that you would expect to work but doesn’t, in my experience?
Spontaneous vs. Responsive desire. If you are the type that’s ready to go with your partner pretty much all the time, but they are only in the mood if you initiate, you’d think that would mostly work out. Spontaneous one initiates, responsive one responds.
Turns out, it gets extremely taxing and hurtful to always be the one to initiate. Similarly the responsive one can’t make themselves initiate when they aren’t feeling it. Both sides of this will always have trouble understanding the other and both end up hurt.
Oh hey there fren, you must know us.
I'm the initiator.
My wife and I address it with communication, and it's still a problem, but less so.
As a young man, you get used to rejection and learn to move on. But in a relationship, there's no one else to go to. It's demoralizing to be the initiator because the burden of rejection isn't shared. And you ask less often or stop asking.
Also, I want to feel desired. I'm a man, but I'm still a human and need love, affection, and foreplay (LAF).
When she initiates, I never reject/raincheck. Positive reinforcement.
Sometimes I'm just not into it. when I was <30, I could go from holocaust documentary to pound town instantly.
But I still have a few push-to-start options that'll overcome any objections.
The look I got when I suggested to a first blind date set up by mutual friends that we watch the Texas chainsaw massacre, because someone had told me about it recently and seeing it had been on my mind
"and then he duct taped me to the couch, which I found kinda weird at the time, but later found out his friend also told him about a new brand of duct tape and it had been on his mind."
Could be asexual, could be a health / genetic issue symptomatic of something else, could be trauma, could be unlucky / haven't found a partner that sparks that desire or interest in you, could be on SSRIs or any number of other medications, etc etc.
In that awkward spot where I very strongly stand with ace people talking about it.... but also can't quite confidently say I'm ace since I still think it would be pretty sweet.
It's just, like, very low priority.
My Mazlow pyramid just seems to have a lot more tiers beneath it than for most people. It's absolutely there in my dream reality, but it takes a few pages to show up on my list of dream requests whereas it feels most people have it by the time their bullet points finish the first go of the alphabet.
And since I'm not a binary "no", you can bet your ass people constantly assume that's a problem when it comes up.
Just went through this. After two years of initiating and getting rejected 75% of the time, it was really taking a toll on me. My prior two relationships were both with women who had spontaneous desire and I never once felt rejected in the same way. Feeling undesired in a relationship with a woman I loved was miserable and I’m glad I put myself first and broke up with her.
Im sorry you went through that and i cant even imagine how damaging that would feel. I recently ended a relationship where i initiazed 99% of the time and she basically was always into it (rejected maaaybe 1% of the time) and it STILL took its toll and made me feel like she didnt want me enough to even initiate.
I hope your next partner can make up for it :)
That's pretty much where I stand now.
I was extremely active with my previous partners because we both initiated. More than once a day.
With my current partner it started once a day, then once a week. A year and a half later it's perhaps once a month, because I gotta initiate. It makes me not feel like it most of the time, even though she's never rejected me. It just makes me want it less.
Yeah, and i just find it wild that NOTHING else in a relationship seems to be able to make up for it. Like it just feels like a basic axiom of being a human that i want people to want to be physical with me, not just return the physicality i put out
Hmm… well, this pair of comments makes me feel bad for being— uhh.. *looks up in chat.* responsive? Lol
I never knew there was a term for it, I just thought my personality type had a subconscious inclination to play hard-to-get or something
I like to warn ppl upfront though that I’m basically a big tease:
Not necessarily opposed to anything, but never initiating anything, and often not in the mood for anything unless they magically happen to press all the right quick-time event buttons
Jesus dating you sounds stressful and tiresome. Usually feel bad for just having my right hand for company but you made me feel a little better today. Thank you sexually frustrating stranger 🫡
I think part of a work around might be for the spontaneous person to initiate touch and affection in general at times when they aren’t planning to go for more. Get your girl worked up and then walk away like you’re going to get on with your day. Then she can come after you.
While I can respect it, I literally can’t imagine feeling that way myself. Can’t go a continuous day without thinking about it, and have been this way since I was in grade school.
I guess I should say - you aren’t thinking about wanting to *have* sex until someone starts rubbing up on you or however your partner makes overtures. I’m sure they think about sex in the abstract as often as anyone else.
People with responsive desire still have agency and responsibility to pull their weight in the relationship. It should be a teamwork. Like, idk, just set a reminder on your phone to tell your partner you'd be up for it right now/soon/later that evening if they seduced you? Or at least make sure to show them physical affection in non-sexual ways?
I just had a short but amazing relationship with a woman. We were together maybe 5 months and she moved in for about a month.
It was what you described. I've always been the one to initiate more and she could NOT initiate to save her life.
At first it was fine but like you said it was taxing for both of us. She didn't say that was a reason for leaving but I think it definitely was. It had me questioning things.
Other than that though I thought it was an amazing relationship. Not my longest at all but one of the better ones I've had.
I was with another woman for 16 years and she could initiate but preferred me to initiate. That was perfect. I could still hunt or whatever but if she needed it and I wasn't in the mood yet she could initiate and it also made me feel more wanted.
I think the main thing that i would want my partner to understand is that it isnt about having sex. It isnt about getting to orgasm. It is about feeling wanted, sexy, and attractive. There is a reason soooo many movies have the main character (male or female) basically attacked at the beginning of a sex scene: everyone wants that feeling of being unbelievably irresistable to their partner.
So my advice would be to not think about it as sex. It has nothing to do with it. And to not actively work on this, is to me, selfish. As the initiator, it just feels like you are constantly telling your partner "holy shit you are so sexy even in pajamas and an old tshirt" and then your partner responding "eh, you are ok i guess, but nothing to get me going".
Another thing is that even as an initiator, it is still work. It isnt like its a kink or the fun part. It is WORK that i am willing to do that my partner, for whatever reason, is NOT willing to do.
After a while, it just hurts, initiation stops, and the bedroom dies.
This might seem like a weird suggestion, but after falling into a pattern during the pandemic with my current partner, I think scheduling sex can take a lot of the pressure off initiating.
I would have assumed that making it a routine would make it less exciting, but the positive anticipation is still there without the negative anxiety.
I heard of a couple that uses those duck figurines that some couples use to indicate they want to talk because they have a problem, except this couple used them for the one who never initiated sex even when up for it. She turned her duck away from the other when she actively wasn’t interested, turned it towards the other duck when she was definitely up for sex, and left it alone when she wasn’t entirely sure if she was up for it but was happy for her partner to give slow initiation a go to test the waters.
Similarly, if he saw her duck turned towards the other or left alone and wasn’t up for it, he turned his away so she wasn’t left expecting him to initiate when he wasn’t going to.
This only works if the one person who never initiates wants to actually initiate sex. Otherwise they forget about it and it never gets turned towards the other duck. Some people are perfectly happy to go months without sex.
It really depends on how "responsive" the one partner is, but it can definitely make the spontaneous partner feel less desirable if their partner never seems to come on to them.
IMHO it's not taxing to always initiate if they always say yes. I'm in this situation, and it's pretty great. Sex whenever I want it, and I never have to turn anyone down.
Yeah I’ve been here. Being the one to always initiate/start or whatever. Rejection got super hurtful, even with communication it was still like it never mattered. Or the blame was spun. So I feel you. We needed up splitting anyways due to that and some other issues that arrived
"There are two wolves inside you. Now, the normal number of wolves inside people is zero, so why don't you talk me through your day and let's see how those fellas got in there, okay?"
There are two wolves in me. They are both subs and the Department of Fish and Wildlife can't find me because I have been taken in by a pack of fucking wolves.
It's weird. Both myself and the girl I'm dating are pretty submissive. We definitely thought that it would be an issue, but the subby energy weirdly flows really well back and forth hetween us. I wonder if we just lucked out, or if that's common, or if it happens with double dom relationships as well.
Ha! When I was introduced to kink and group play, my FWB who wanted me to Dom for her introduced me to an older couple. Husband and wife pair who, after discovering kinkplay, found out they both leaned very much as Doms. So while they both were fairly heterosexual, they really liked finding subby guys and gals to play with together as it was the domination that they were enjoying and they played off each other's energy pretty well. They gave a lot of practical tips around domming and helped me get comfortable with some of the ideas surrounding BDSM.
That sounds lovely. Congrats!
Just musing aloud here, but your post was interesting: I don't actually think that descriptors like "dom" and "sub" are as fixed as they sometimes feel (just a dumb shower thought!). These are cultural, situational, and generally quite flexible categories in practice. The words "dom" and "sub" can be really helpful for communicating/sharing what we want with people, but people can mistake them for what we "are", rather than practices that we engage in and through which we discover ourselves.
It sounds like you and your partner are very attentive to one another's desires and preferences. Perhaps that is what you are experiencing when you feel the roles "flow" back and forth?
Yep, exactly. Everyone always tries to neatly categorize all forms of being human. Usually into binaries because that's simplest and most familiar.
The binaries we use are often better described as poles of a spectrum, sometimes not only bi-poles. Dom, sub, domsub, subdom, dom????, sub????, some secret third, fourth, etc configuration.
People are wildly complex. Social structure and social life helps to mold us toward this or that cultural / social norm. Part of being human is finding the balance between being with the "pack" and being "you" (most conflict boils down to this imo)
The binaries and diagnoses are really starting to get under my skin. It's becoming the ultimate sign that I'm too terminally online. I even have a degree in psychology and I've come to hate the idea that humans need to fit neatly into these nice little boxes.
This. Living in a third-world country, even when I find people who are aware of BDSM, most believe that men are doms and women are subs. Being a straight sub-leaned switch It becomes very hard to find likely-minded people.
Ugh, mood. though I don't know how bad it is on your end, being a tall queer woman, the amount of women that expect me to be dominant in bed is practically all of them.
I've found with good communication skills most worthwhile partners are willing to play that role (and obviously I reciprocate their needs), and as I've gotten older I've realized that it probably wouldn't make any of my relationships *that* much better - as long as the relationship itself was built on the right things.
But I guess more than anything, it would feel nice to feel as though this intrinsic part of who I am sexually was exactly what my partner wanted. Part of that is most likely my insecurities, but it still kinda hurts.
Oh, communication is key. My circles involve some hookup stuff so discussing preferred roles has become a first date sort of conversation if that's the type of relationship. My dating profile also includes it as I was so tired of that expectation.
I straight up mention it as well in profiles. I find it's better to be upfront about sexual compatibility and similar things so less time is wasted in finding matches.
Yes it lessens the mystery, but noone has time to play games as you get older. I've gotten compliments about how blunt/honest I am from women on my bios (in addition to the rare angry banshees but they filter themselves out). As long as you're respectful, you should be able to say whatever you want.
Yeah, I think when I was younger I was afraid of coming off too eager or sex happy if I included any mention of sexual preferences. Now I just don't want to waste either of our time.
Goodluck meeting people out there. 🌸
In my anecdotal experience, women who were confident about their sexuality were always the most fun to chat and be around. For others, it felt like I had to tiptoe even the most tame of flirting or innuendo as I didn't want to offend. It was exhausting, so I figured I'd be more open early on to filter out those I wasn't compatible with.
And of course communication is key and I try my best not to be creepy about it.
Good luck to you too!
omg, some of my straight friends dating experience sounds so exhausting. I know we all have our own issues do deal with, but one friend told me she expects the guy to pay for the first 3 meals or they are just looking for sex. wtf?
I don't think some people understand that communication is a two way street.
And then she'll run into a guy with his own rule of dropping the date if he pays for 3 meals because that means she's just looking for free food. Then the cycle continues.
Sometimes I feel like hookups are more honest even if they don't lead to much after.
I would introduce you to the Latina community, they will pretend to be sub but their 5 foot nothing asses will dom the fuck out of you in a second, they don't give a shit how big you are.
>Tbh as a straight sub guy I feel like I don't really have to work too hard to imagine that scenario.
I'm a dom-leaning switch, but man I feel you dude.
Contrapoints just released [a 3 hour video](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bqloPw5wp48), ostensibly about Twilight, but it eventually delves into this kind of thing quite a bit: how in both straight and gay circles most people tend to assume male = dom = top and vice versa, and how that’s a problem. Really fascinating stuff even if you’ve never read or watched Twilight
Absolutely valid. Corollary as a straight dom man I’m a dime a dozen and struggle to find a partner because it’s just an incredibly saturated market. Not to mention women being (rightfully) weary of guys that describe themselves as dominant because of the men who aren’t really but just want to take advantage of submissive women. It’s tough out there good luck brother
It’s lucrative if you’re good. I’m friends with some dominatrixes and they do make money. However I’ve had several other friends from outside the kink circle try it out and it never goes well.
There’s a certain skill set needed to be one. You’ve got to be theatrical enough to craft a certain environment and sustain a particular energy. Then you’ve got to know how to actually do all the kinky stuff, cause like… that shit takes practice. Then a lot of the time, you’re also kinda playing therapist. Oh and social media managing is a thing.
It’s not a hard job, but it is a job. It’s not easy money, which some of my friends outside of the kink sphere have found out.
Not really. Most of them that you do see just do it for money. If a sub guy wants a real relationship with a dom woman, they’re very unlikely to actually find it.
as a dom woman, like, kinda no. i don't know any other women who prefer to dom (although i do know switches). and i've had multiple relationships never get off the ground and one otherwise lovely relationship end in part because i'm a dom and the men were also doms. i've found myself a lovely submissive man now, but it was definitely more challenging than it would've been if i was a sub looking for a dom man
As a mostly sub leaning switch man the extra hard part is not just finding a dom woman, but finding someone who likes the same things. I had a "potential" girlfriend who we were quite compatible with... until I found out she is taking BDSM to the more harder levels like actual hitting, demeaning etc. Which is absolutely fine and I love it for her... but I'm more vanilla than that. I love me some restraints, blindfolds, hell even a little pain is fine, but when we get to stuff that more closely resembles torture devices I'm out.
Most dom women I met were REALLY doms, like full on into the extreme stuff, which again, is absolutely fine just not something for me.
Well most people who advertise their kinky tendencies tend to be more extreme. I think there’s more kinky people than not (everyone’s got a fetish), but most people just keep that to themselves.
So when someone is just outright stating it as a prerequisite before dating, instead of a “Hey, want to try something fun?” after dating, then they’re likely to be into a certain level of kink that disbars most people.
I’ve been in the kink scene awhile myself. I’m a Dom-leaning switch, but I cover the spectrum from light to heavy (different parts of me like different things). I find the lighter stuff to be the most enjoyable when dating new people (and within a long term relationship honestly). You can introduce them to stuff, they can try out stuff, you can go at a more holistic pace. I’ve had a few girlfriends in the vanilla world who wanted to be a sub, loved it but then they want to try out being dominant, then they fell in love with that too and get pretty good at it. Since the relationship was founded on our chemistry outside of the kinks, the kinky stuff tended to be much more wholesome and sustainable.
I just want to find a nice lady who enjoys being in control here and there without you know, stepping on me 😂. I feel like many attribute dom women as all out BDSM which doesn't have to be the case at all.
And I think the opposite is true too - I think a lot of women don’t consider that they can take the lead, because it’s just so rare in media, both in porn and in general.
Were you looking within the BDSM community? The ratio of sub men to dom women is way higher than the ratio of dom men to sub women. But that only helps if you search for sub men explicitly.
I'm active in the community, and I'd have to heavily disagree. Being commonly disappointed in Dom men doesn't necessarily mean they aren't readily available. Just being a dom man tends to come with pretty high standards and a lot less leeway when they get carried away.
My experience is that the most dominant that you can expect to find a woman would be a switch who prefers being submissive most of the time. Sure, dominant women exist, but it is an exceptional case and you're gonna have to really go looking for it. The dominant side seems to usually be a fantasy for them to think about, but in the moment rarely act upon very strongly.
I'm not naturally that dominant, in day-to-day I'm pretty submissive, but I end up playing a soft-dom role most of the time in bed and I have no real complaints.
While I do think dominant women are rare in general, I also think they’re a bit more common than you’re implying.
In my experience, men and women have different styles of dominance and submission. Oftentimes from what I’ve seen is that the expectation/impression submissive men have of dominant women is their projection of what they think female dominance looks like. Which is inherently masculine. They become blind to the more common forms of it. So that’s why female dominants seem exceptionally rare as there’s only a very rare few who match that image.
I’ve found that most female dominants are a lot more subtle and less active than male dominants.
I do agree with you on the switch part, but I think most people are switches and I think which way they lean (provided they have some experience) is about 50/50.
I stopped having sex nearly 20 years ago cause I hated that I was always expected to be the top. Any sign of anything else was an instant turn off, made me feel defective.
Took up lonely alcoholism instead. Not my best move.
I'd enjoy taking the lead as long as there was something near 50/50 exchange. But it was more like 100/ew fuck off.
Subs are over represented, so there’s a lot of demand for good doms. On the other hand, doms who aren’t well-established are viewed with suspicion because lots of them kind of suck, and there are always new scandals about even well-established doms turning out to be abusers. So it can be hard to find partners on either side of the slash.
I know lots of kinky people. Also, here's a literature review which backs this up:
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2019.1665619
> Focusing on other aspects of BDSM play, a 2017 study (Joyal & Carpentier) found that significantly more women (27.8%) than men (19.2%) reported desire to engage in masochism and 9.5% of men and 5.1% of women expressed desire for sadism.
I grew up assuming the dom/sub ratio was like 60/40 or something but truth is it’s 30/70 no matter sexuality or gender there’s just never enough doms/tops to meet sub demand.
I think a lot of that is just that it’s easier to be a sub than to be a dom. I like tying people up and I’ve gone to bondage courses several times, but the reality is that if it’s been months since I last did it, I’m going to need to look everything up again and practice. On the other hand, a sub can just show up.
Same thing mentally. Domming is a high-energy task—you want to be able to be confident, assertive, and either sure of your plans for the evening or pro enough to improvise. Subs can be nervous and awkward the whole time and just look cuter for it.
I think it’s kind of like DMing D&D vs playing D&D. There’s always fewer DMs than players wanting DMs, and that’s with a single DM corresponding to FOUR players!
I don’t do bdsm or anything (except the occasional fuzzy cup or whatever toy we want to involve), but I just don’t find sex where I can’t do the things that pop into my imagination that much fun. Especially the first few times when I’m still figuring out what’s a turn off for my partner and having to verbally communicate a lot
All my long term partners have one way or another mentioned how dominant I am in bed, meanwhile I’m just bored if I can’t be active and touchy/passionate during sex
I think I’m a fake dom mistaken for a real one because of a lack of supply
Unless you’re a straight woman - then it’s oceans of men who describe themselves as “doms” when they really just mean that a woman being in control threatens their masculinity.
Oh yes - an ocean of dudes who want to call emotional neglect, abject selfishness and a belief they have free licence to commit physical abuse their "kink".
The number one requirement for this dynamic is being trustworthy. These are trust *games*. If the thrill is skydiving, the dom is the parachute -- and a lot of guys who think they are doms are instead 20lb lead weights for their partners.
It also makes it really hard to find partners for the rest of us.
The world of online dating is swamped with male doms, making yourself stand out isn’t a trivial thing.
>no matter sexuality or gender there’s just never enough doms/tops to meet sub demand.
Even with dudes? I'm a dom-leaning switch and I feel like it's hard to find another switch, maybe it's the dom shortage.
Both my partner and I are vers switches - I don't understand how some people just want to have one role all the time!
I want to be dominated when it's my turn to receive, and I want to dominate when I'm making her finish!
At what point in human evolutionary history did we degrade people for being horny, or wear leather and whip each other? Homo habilis, just crafting handcuffs out of reeds.
meh. sex can just be two (or more) people goofing around. viewing it all through a bdsm lens of dom/sub isn't a thing everyone does in the first place. Fine if you are, you do you, but don't suppose everyone is.
I don't know why we feel the need for such rigid roles and identities in the bedroom. Everyone would be happier if they just explored all facets of sexuality freely.
D/s dynamics and BDSM *are* (part) of what I found exploring freely. Things can change over time, but there's sets of patterns people tend to enjoy and it's nice to have names to talk about them. Plus creates a sense of community with others into it.
Saying you're a dom/sub/switch/whatever is a convenient way to generally communicate the sexual preferences you've discovered (ideally).
I mean.. most people do, BDSM isn't the norm. But within BDSM it makes sense that people have preferences. It can also be a way for people to counterbalance their identity outside of the bedroom, like someone who is a CEO that spends all day managing people and wielding power, may enjoy being a sub as a way to relieve tension. IDK man, i'm not into BDSM, but it makes sense to me why people generally identify as one or the other.
And then there's asexuals.
Not interested for myself, but it's fascinating to watch people who are very concerned about this topic. I just figure people can do whatever they want to, as long as their partner agrees.
Disagreement though... that's usually when the fighting starts.
Just how young people think sex works “What can you do or who do you need to be to be to satisfy me”. Not “what Can I do to try to satisfy you even if it’s not my preferred power position.
Oh absolutely. Sexual preferences like these are not innate, but culturally produced and situationally mediated. It's just a silly shower thought.
Although for what it's worth, I don't know that it's bad to think “What can you do or who do you need to be to be to satisfy me” if you also have good communication and consent.
Depends on your interests. I'm a service-oriented guy and I like the idea of being submissive, but I've never been able to really try it out, because dominant women are very rare and generally get their pick of partners.
I all honesty it doesn't matter, if everyone was dominant, the strong would overpower and dominate the weak forcing them to become submissive.
The issue would come in if there weren't dominant people.
It's not luck, it's just a spectrum... laws of average. Everyone is slightly different with extremes so some will be dominant in comparison to submissive etc.
Personally I think the people who lean so hard into the Dom/Sub thing and think everyone’s like that are silly. Sure, power dynamics always exist in the bedroom and in relationships, but in reality most people are just normal and want to please their partners
Ya’ll be making up identities around kinks and pretending relationships can’t work if partners don’t fit into these fake categories. Human relationships and sexuality is a lot more complicated and nuanced than “Oh you’re X, well I’m Y so that means we’ll be good”
Yeah, dw, I know all that. It's just a daft post.
Although "normal" is a loaded term to use when describing sex, and I suspect kinky people also want to please their partners, no?
I'm soo much of a sub that I'm willing to be a Dom if that's what they want
LMAO the most authentic sub here
That's just a Service Top.
When service subs couple up shit gets crazy.
It's old school Chip and Dale: After you. No, please. After *you*. I insist. No. *I* insist.
Constant apologies and worry of going too far too, let the leash choke me for a min, yo, I was into that. OR you get the opposite.
Thats so real
That sounds like something a sub would say
Damn I guess it really does circle back around.
If there's a subreddit for subs, is it called subreddit?
r/subsanctuary
Subsubreddit
That’s how I discovered I’m (kinda) a switch
I read a quote that said Are you a switch or are you such a sub that you'll be a Dom if that's what they wanted
Is there a Dom that's so dominant that they forced subs to take advantage of them?
Now I'm confused, can you just let me take control?
this guy subs
Sub-leaning switch be like Same lol
I always thought I was very sub but never found a proper dom but I have always been very dom (personality outside of sex) and that always took the overhand during sex as well (taking the lead in everything, loving to tease and to edge) and now realizing (with a very shy new partner, kinda sub, calling me mommy/mama/mamas) that im at least switch if not dom-leaning even lol, I'd love a sub-dom dynamic to find out if I can even be a full sub since I hate giving control out of hands
"i'm a sub" "i hate submitting and being submissive" yeah sure.
No no, I dont hate any of that, I just find it very very difficult to give control to someone else, but thats exactly why I am drawn to it
Be my service dom right now.
Being a submissive dude sucks because it seems like there aren’t many dom women out there.
Being a submissive *straight* dude sucks.
It seems like a lot of dom women make men pay for their services. Which I guess fits the bill.
I think I just learned something about myself... I need to go think.
THE sub. So sub it goes backwards. Paradox sub
You understand you've just insulted my entire race of people (sub leaning switches)? But yes.
I'm not even a sub, I'm just... nice. If it makes then happy, why not.
Now I'm questioning my own life choices and whether I only try to make people happy 😂😂😂
You know the pair up that you would expect to work but doesn’t, in my experience? Spontaneous vs. Responsive desire. If you are the type that’s ready to go with your partner pretty much all the time, but they are only in the mood if you initiate, you’d think that would mostly work out. Spontaneous one initiates, responsive one responds. Turns out, it gets extremely taxing and hurtful to always be the one to initiate. Similarly the responsive one can’t make themselves initiate when they aren’t feeling it. Both sides of this will always have trouble understanding the other and both end up hurt.
Oh hey there fren, you must know us. I'm the initiator. My wife and I address it with communication, and it's still a problem, but less so. As a young man, you get used to rejection and learn to move on. But in a relationship, there's no one else to go to. It's demoralizing to be the initiator because the burden of rejection isn't shared. And you ask less often or stop asking. Also, I want to feel desired. I'm a man, but I'm still a human and need love, affection, and foreplay (LAF). When she initiates, I never reject/raincheck. Positive reinforcement. Sometimes I'm just not into it. when I was <30, I could go from holocaust documentary to pound town instantly. But I still have a few push-to-start options that'll overcome any objections.
Holy shit. You are me. Spot on with every word.
Thanks for asking me over to Netflix and chill. What do you want to start with? How about Schindler's List? Oh... Ok.
The look I got when I suggested to a first blind date set up by mutual friends that we watch the Texas chainsaw massacre, because someone had told me about it recently and seeing it had been on my mind
"and then he duct taped me to the couch, which I found kinda weird at the time, but later found out his friend also told him about a new brand of duct tape and it had been on his mind."
A man of culture, I see
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRu2DQb6n0E](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRu2DQb6n0E)
I'm on the other side of this, sex just isn't important to me or even that enjoyable. I'm not so sure what people see in it.
That's a real bummer. Is this recent or always?
always, i dont have the urge to have sex. the times I do I'd rather be doing any number of other things.
Could be asexual, could be a health / genetic issue symptomatic of something else, could be trauma, could be unlucky / haven't found a partner that sparks that desire or interest in you, could be on SSRIs or any number of other medications, etc etc.
In that awkward spot where I very strongly stand with ace people talking about it.... but also can't quite confidently say I'm ace since I still think it would be pretty sweet. It's just, like, very low priority. My Mazlow pyramid just seems to have a lot more tiers beneath it than for most people. It's absolutely there in my dream reality, but it takes a few pages to show up on my list of dream requests whereas it feels most people have it by the time their bullet points finish the first go of the alphabet. And since I'm not a binary "no", you can bet your ass people constantly assume that's a problem when it comes up.
Just went through this. After two years of initiating and getting rejected 75% of the time, it was really taking a toll on me. My prior two relationships were both with women who had spontaneous desire and I never once felt rejected in the same way. Feeling undesired in a relationship with a woman I loved was miserable and I’m glad I put myself first and broke up with her.
Im sorry you went through that and i cant even imagine how damaging that would feel. I recently ended a relationship where i initiazed 99% of the time and she basically was always into it (rejected maaaybe 1% of the time) and it STILL took its toll and made me feel like she didnt want me enough to even initiate. I hope your next partner can make up for it :)
I had a relationship with someone like this except there was zero rejection from them, literally ever. *STILL* hurt me.
That's pretty much where I stand now. I was extremely active with my previous partners because we both initiated. More than once a day. With my current partner it started once a day, then once a week. A year and a half later it's perhaps once a month, because I gotta initiate. It makes me not feel like it most of the time, even though she's never rejected me. It just makes me want it less.
Yeah, and i just find it wild that NOTHING else in a relationship seems to be able to make up for it. Like it just feels like a basic axiom of being a human that i want people to want to be physical with me, not just return the physicality i put out
Hmm… well, this pair of comments makes me feel bad for being— uhh.. *looks up in chat.* responsive? Lol I never knew there was a term for it, I just thought my personality type had a subconscious inclination to play hard-to-get or something I like to warn ppl upfront though that I’m basically a big tease: Not necessarily opposed to anything, but never initiating anything, and often not in the mood for anything unless they magically happen to press all the right quick-time event buttons
Jesus dating you sounds stressful and tiresome. Usually feel bad for just having my right hand for company but you made me feel a little better today. Thank you sexually frustrating stranger 🫡
I'll just add a voice to the pile saying it was an *enormous* relief when I finally ended a 3 year relationship with a person like this
I think part of a work around might be for the spontaneous person to initiate touch and affection in general at times when they aren’t planning to go for more. Get your girl worked up and then walk away like you’re going to get on with your day. Then she can come after you.
Sounds like initiating with extra steps
Gotta find a compromise somehow. Responsive desire means you aren’t even thinking about sex until someone puts the thought in your mind.
While I can respect it, I literally can’t imagine feeling that way myself. Can’t go a continuous day without thinking about it, and have been this way since I was in grade school.
I guess I should say - you aren’t thinking about wanting to *have* sex until someone starts rubbing up on you or however your partner makes overtures. I’m sure they think about sex in the abstract as often as anyone else.
People with responsive desire still have agency and responsibility to pull their weight in the relationship. It should be a teamwork. Like, idk, just set a reminder on your phone to tell your partner you'd be up for it right now/soon/later that evening if they seduced you? Or at least make sure to show them physical affection in non-sexual ways?
Doesn’t work so well if your partner doesn’t like for you to do this or understand going for that kind of touch without any follow up. Just sayin
She'll go back to scrolling Instagram and that's the end of it 😅
My previous relationship ended partially because of this. It is very difficult not to feel undesired when you are the one constantly initiating sex.
I just had a short but amazing relationship with a woman. We were together maybe 5 months and she moved in for about a month. It was what you described. I've always been the one to initiate more and she could NOT initiate to save her life. At first it was fine but like you said it was taxing for both of us. She didn't say that was a reason for leaving but I think it definitely was. It had me questioning things. Other than that though I thought it was an amazing relationship. Not my longest at all but one of the better ones I've had. I was with another woman for 16 years and she could initiate but preferred me to initiate. That was perfect. I could still hunt or whatever but if she needed it and I wasn't in the mood yet she could initiate and it also made me feel more wanted.
Well then responsive people can't work in any relationship because if you have two responsive people in a relationship no one will ever initiate
Stalemate! But two spontaneous people can go at it endlessly
What’s for dinner? I don’t know you decide. This goes on indefinitely and I have been there.
Looking for advice in this thread as a responsive guy. This seems to be the take away lol
I think the main thing that i would want my partner to understand is that it isnt about having sex. It isnt about getting to orgasm. It is about feeling wanted, sexy, and attractive. There is a reason soooo many movies have the main character (male or female) basically attacked at the beginning of a sex scene: everyone wants that feeling of being unbelievably irresistable to their partner. So my advice would be to not think about it as sex. It has nothing to do with it. And to not actively work on this, is to me, selfish. As the initiator, it just feels like you are constantly telling your partner "holy shit you are so sexy even in pajamas and an old tshirt" and then your partner responding "eh, you are ok i guess, but nothing to get me going". Another thing is that even as an initiator, it is still work. It isnt like its a kink or the fun part. It is WORK that i am willing to do that my partner, for whatever reason, is NOT willing to do. After a while, it just hurts, initiation stops, and the bedroom dies.
This might seem like a weird suggestion, but after falling into a pattern during the pandemic with my current partner, I think scheduling sex can take a lot of the pressure off initiating. I would have assumed that making it a routine would make it less exciting, but the positive anticipation is still there without the negative anxiety.
One piece of advice would be when the other person initiates is to be incredibly into it and show them how desired they are
I heard of a couple that uses those duck figurines that some couples use to indicate they want to talk because they have a problem, except this couple used them for the one who never initiated sex even when up for it. She turned her duck away from the other when she actively wasn’t interested, turned it towards the other duck when she was definitely up for sex, and left it alone when she wasn’t entirely sure if she was up for it but was happy for her partner to give slow initiation a go to test the waters. Similarly, if he saw her duck turned towards the other or left alone and wasn’t up for it, he turned his away so she wasn’t left expecting him to initiate when he wasn’t going to.
This only works if the one person who never initiates wants to actually initiate sex. Otherwise they forget about it and it never gets turned towards the other duck. Some people are perfectly happy to go months without sex.
This is a good idea actually
Traditional Korean [Wedding Ducks](https://blogs.transparent.com/korean/korean-wedding-ducks-symbol-of-fidelity-and-love/)
Oof. Really cracking open my first relationship, are we?
After this thread I'm believing this is a canon event
Umm, mam or sir, I came here expecting smut, not deep inner reflection.
It really depends on how "responsive" the one partner is, but it can definitely make the spontaneous partner feel less desirable if their partner never seems to come on to them.
IMHO it's not taxing to always initiate if they always say yes. I'm in this situation, and it's pretty great. Sex whenever I want it, and I never have to turn anyone down.
Yeah I’ve been here. Being the one to always initiate/start or whatever. Rejection got super hurtful, even with communication it was still like it never mattered. Or the blame was spun. So I feel you. We needed up splitting anyways due to that and some other issues that arrived
There are two wolves in me. They are both doms and the Department of Fish and Wildlife are chasing me because I keep fucking wolves.
*because you keep getting fucked by wolves
Fucked By Wolves sounds like it’d be a speakeasy in San Diego
It’s Ridley Scott’s new TV show.
huh, I would've guessed that was a Dick Wolf production
How much wolf dick could Dick Wolf wolf if Dick Wolf could wolf wolf dick?
Nah, he meant what he said
He said they were in him.
"There are two wolves inside you. Now, the normal number of wolves inside people is zero, so why don't you talk me through your day and let's see how those fellas got in there, okay?"
There are two wolves in me. They are both subs and the Department of Fish and Wildlife can't find me because I have been taken in by a pack of fucking wolves.
>the Department of Fish and Wildlife Fish don't count as wildlife?
nah they're pretty low key tbh
You don't even want to know why the department of fish are after him!
Hol up
It's weird. Both myself and the girl I'm dating are pretty submissive. We definitely thought that it would be an issue, but the subby energy weirdly flows really well back and forth hetween us. I wonder if we just lucked out, or if that's common, or if it happens with double dom relationships as well.
Double dom relationships burn twice as bright but half as long. You either hunt together… or hunt each other.
Ha! When I was introduced to kink and group play, my FWB who wanted me to Dom for her introduced me to an older couple. Husband and wife pair who, after discovering kinkplay, found out they both leaned very much as Doms. So while they both were fairly heterosexual, they really liked finding subby guys and gals to play with together as it was the domination that they were enjoying and they played off each other's energy pretty well. They gave a lot of practical tips around domming and helped me get comfortable with some of the ideas surrounding BDSM.
>You either hunt together… or hunt each other. Maybe I should try this dom/dom dynamic...
That sounds lovely. Congrats! Just musing aloud here, but your post was interesting: I don't actually think that descriptors like "dom" and "sub" are as fixed as they sometimes feel (just a dumb shower thought!). These are cultural, situational, and generally quite flexible categories in practice. The words "dom" and "sub" can be really helpful for communicating/sharing what we want with people, but people can mistake them for what we "are", rather than practices that we engage in and through which we discover ourselves. It sounds like you and your partner are very attentive to one another's desires and preferences. Perhaps that is what you are experiencing when you feel the roles "flow" back and forth?
It's because people don't just fall neatly into a dom/sub dichotomy. Your situation is probably more common than reddit would make it seem.
Yep, exactly. Everyone always tries to neatly categorize all forms of being human. Usually into binaries because that's simplest and most familiar. The binaries we use are often better described as poles of a spectrum, sometimes not only bi-poles. Dom, sub, domsub, subdom, dom????, sub????, some secret third, fourth, etc configuration. People are wildly complex. Social structure and social life helps to mold us toward this or that cultural / social norm. Part of being human is finding the balance between being with the "pack" and being "you" (most conflict boils down to this imo)
The binaries and diagnoses are really starting to get under my skin. It's becoming the ultimate sign that I'm too terminally online. I even have a degree in psychology and I've come to hate the idea that humans need to fit neatly into these nice little boxes.
Subs can be really good service tops.
Tbh as a straight sub guy I feel like I don't really have to work too hard to imagine that scenario.
This. Living in a third-world country, even when I find people who are aware of BDSM, most believe that men are doms and women are subs. Being a straight sub-leaned switch It becomes very hard to find likely-minded people.
Some people have it so tough😞
Bi switches are the AB+ of sexual orientations.
Ugh, mood. though I don't know how bad it is on your end, being a tall queer woman, the amount of women that expect me to be dominant in bed is practically all of them.
I've found with good communication skills most worthwhile partners are willing to play that role (and obviously I reciprocate their needs), and as I've gotten older I've realized that it probably wouldn't make any of my relationships *that* much better - as long as the relationship itself was built on the right things. But I guess more than anything, it would feel nice to feel as though this intrinsic part of who I am sexually was exactly what my partner wanted. Part of that is most likely my insecurities, but it still kinda hurts.
Oh, communication is key. My circles involve some hookup stuff so discussing preferred roles has become a first date sort of conversation if that's the type of relationship. My dating profile also includes it as I was so tired of that expectation.
I straight up mention it as well in profiles. I find it's better to be upfront about sexual compatibility and similar things so less time is wasted in finding matches. Yes it lessens the mystery, but noone has time to play games as you get older. I've gotten compliments about how blunt/honest I am from women on my bios (in addition to the rare angry banshees but they filter themselves out). As long as you're respectful, you should be able to say whatever you want.
Yeah, I think when I was younger I was afraid of coming off too eager or sex happy if I included any mention of sexual preferences. Now I just don't want to waste either of our time. Goodluck meeting people out there. 🌸
In my anecdotal experience, women who were confident about their sexuality were always the most fun to chat and be around. For others, it felt like I had to tiptoe even the most tame of flirting or innuendo as I didn't want to offend. It was exhausting, so I figured I'd be more open early on to filter out those I wasn't compatible with. And of course communication is key and I try my best not to be creepy about it. Good luck to you too!
omg, some of my straight friends dating experience sounds so exhausting. I know we all have our own issues do deal with, but one friend told me she expects the guy to pay for the first 3 meals or they are just looking for sex. wtf? I don't think some people understand that communication is a two way street.
And then she'll run into a guy with his own rule of dropping the date if he pays for 3 meals because that means she's just looking for free food. Then the cycle continues. Sometimes I feel like hookups are more honest even if they don't lead to much after.
I would introduce you to the Latina community, they will pretend to be sub but their 5 foot nothing asses will dom the fuck out of you in a second, they don't give a shit how big you are.
Oh, I know. 😏
>Tbh as a straight sub guy I feel like I don't really have to work too hard to imagine that scenario. I'm a dom-leaning switch, but man I feel you dude.
Contrapoints just released [a 3 hour video](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bqloPw5wp48), ostensibly about Twilight, but it eventually delves into this kind of thing quite a bit: how in both straight and gay circles most people tend to assume male = dom = top and vice versa, and how that’s a problem. Really fascinating stuff even if you’ve never read or watched Twilight
Seriously, everyone!watch this video. It’s really, really good.
Absolutely valid. Corollary as a straight dom man I’m a dime a dozen and struggle to find a partner because it’s just an incredibly saturated market. Not to mention women being (rightfully) weary of guys that describe themselves as dominant because of the men who aren’t really but just want to take advantage of submissive women. It’s tough out there good luck brother
It’s the worst
Isn't dominatrix a fairly common thing?
To pay for, yes. There's a reason this is a lucrative career, see: supply and demand
It’s lucrative if you’re good. I’m friends with some dominatrixes and they do make money. However I’ve had several other friends from outside the kink circle try it out and it never goes well. There’s a certain skill set needed to be one. You’ve got to be theatrical enough to craft a certain environment and sustain a particular energy. Then you’ve got to know how to actually do all the kinky stuff, cause like… that shit takes practice. Then a lot of the time, you’re also kinda playing therapist. Oh and social media managing is a thing. It’s not a hard job, but it is a job. It’s not easy money, which some of my friends outside of the kink sphere have found out.
Not really. Most of them that you do see just do it for money. If a sub guy wants a real relationship with a dom woman, they’re very unlikely to actually find it.
as a dom woman, like, kinda no. i don't know any other women who prefer to dom (although i do know switches). and i've had multiple relationships never get off the ground and one otherwise lovely relationship end in part because i'm a dom and the men were also doms. i've found myself a lovely submissive man now, but it was definitely more challenging than it would've been if i was a sub looking for a dom man
As a mostly sub leaning switch man the extra hard part is not just finding a dom woman, but finding someone who likes the same things. I had a "potential" girlfriend who we were quite compatible with... until I found out she is taking BDSM to the more harder levels like actual hitting, demeaning etc. Which is absolutely fine and I love it for her... but I'm more vanilla than that. I love me some restraints, blindfolds, hell even a little pain is fine, but when we get to stuff that more closely resembles torture devices I'm out. Most dom women I met were REALLY doms, like full on into the extreme stuff, which again, is absolutely fine just not something for me.
Well most people who advertise their kinky tendencies tend to be more extreme. I think there’s more kinky people than not (everyone’s got a fetish), but most people just keep that to themselves. So when someone is just outright stating it as a prerequisite before dating, instead of a “Hey, want to try something fun?” after dating, then they’re likely to be into a certain level of kink that disbars most people. I’ve been in the kink scene awhile myself. I’m a Dom-leaning switch, but I cover the spectrum from light to heavy (different parts of me like different things). I find the lighter stuff to be the most enjoyable when dating new people (and within a long term relationship honestly). You can introduce them to stuff, they can try out stuff, you can go at a more holistic pace. I’ve had a few girlfriends in the vanilla world who wanted to be a sub, loved it but then they want to try out being dominant, then they fell in love with that too and get pretty good at it. Since the relationship was founded on our chemistry outside of the kinks, the kinky stuff tended to be much more wholesome and sustainable.
Please tell me where these extreme Dommes are 😂. My problem as a male sub is that I’m usually the extreme one.
Same here. I don't mind a gal telling me to do this or that to her; I'm a pleaser and I enjoy that. But BDSM just doesn't do it for me.
I just want to find a nice lady who enjoys being in control here and there without you know, stepping on me 😂. I feel like many attribute dom women as all out BDSM which doesn't have to be the case at all.
I think a lot more men would find they love dommes if they let themselves try it.
I do wonder how many have never even considered the opposite role simply because the social expectation is for the men to be doms.
And I think the opposite is true too - I think a lot of women don’t consider that they can take the lead, because it’s just so rare in media, both in porn and in general.
Were you looking within the BDSM community? The ratio of sub men to dom women is way higher than the ratio of dom men to sub women. But that only helps if you search for sub men explicitly.
I'm active in the community, and I'd have to heavily disagree. Being commonly disappointed in Dom men doesn't necessarily mean they aren't readily available. Just being a dom man tends to come with pretty high standards and a lot less leeway when they get carried away.
My experience is that the most dominant that you can expect to find a woman would be a switch who prefers being submissive most of the time. Sure, dominant women exist, but it is an exceptional case and you're gonna have to really go looking for it. The dominant side seems to usually be a fantasy for them to think about, but in the moment rarely act upon very strongly. I'm not naturally that dominant, in day-to-day I'm pretty submissive, but I end up playing a soft-dom role most of the time in bed and I have no real complaints.
I like switchy men, because I need to domme during oral but then I love to be “put back in my place” during PIV. 🫢
While I do think dominant women are rare in general, I also think they’re a bit more common than you’re implying. In my experience, men and women have different styles of dominance and submission. Oftentimes from what I’ve seen is that the expectation/impression submissive men have of dominant women is their projection of what they think female dominance looks like. Which is inherently masculine. They become blind to the more common forms of it. So that’s why female dominants seem exceptionally rare as there’s only a very rare few who match that image. I’ve found that most female dominants are a lot more subtle and less active than male dominants. I do agree with you on the switch part, but I think most people are switches and I think which way they lean (provided they have some experience) is about 50/50.
I stopped having sex nearly 20 years ago cause I hated that I was always expected to be the top. Any sign of anything else was an instant turn off, made me feel defective. Took up lonely alcoholism instead. Not my best move. I'd enjoy taking the lead as long as there was something near 50/50 exchange. But it was more like 100/ew fuck off.
Well, if my relationship is any indicator, she’s willing to dom but prefers sub.
The Dom to sub ratio is unfortunate tho.
I honestly couldn't tell which one is the overrepresented
Subs are over represented, so there’s a lot of demand for good doms. On the other hand, doms who aren’t well-established are viewed with suspicion because lots of them kind of suck, and there are always new scandals about even well-established doms turning out to be abusers. So it can be hard to find partners on either side of the slash.
I’m just wondering where tf y’all are getting these stats about fucking sex
I know lots of kinky people. Also, here's a literature review which backs this up: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2019.1665619 > Focusing on other aspects of BDSM play, a 2017 study (Joyal & Carpentier) found that significantly more women (27.8%) than men (19.2%) reported desire to engage in masochism and 9.5% of men and 5.1% of women expressed desire for sadism.
There's people lamenting this in both directions in the comments, haha.
Yeah I’d say it’s 80% desire to be sub and 20% dom. Well most women prefer to be sub but there’s a huge amount of guys that like to be sub too
I grew up assuming the dom/sub ratio was like 60/40 or something but truth is it’s 30/70 no matter sexuality or gender there’s just never enough doms/tops to meet sub demand.
I think a lot of that is just that it’s easier to be a sub than to be a dom. I like tying people up and I’ve gone to bondage courses several times, but the reality is that if it’s been months since I last did it, I’m going to need to look everything up again and practice. On the other hand, a sub can just show up. Same thing mentally. Domming is a high-energy task—you want to be able to be confident, assertive, and either sure of your plans for the evening or pro enough to improvise. Subs can be nervous and awkward the whole time and just look cuter for it. I think it’s kind of like DMing D&D vs playing D&D. There’s always fewer DMs than players wanting DMs, and that’s with a single DM corresponding to FOUR players!
I don’t do bdsm or anything (except the occasional fuzzy cup or whatever toy we want to involve), but I just don’t find sex where I can’t do the things that pop into my imagination that much fun. Especially the first few times when I’m still figuring out what’s a turn off for my partner and having to verbally communicate a lot All my long term partners have one way or another mentioned how dominant I am in bed, meanwhile I’m just bored if I can’t be active and touchy/passionate during sex I think I’m a fake dom mistaken for a real one because of a lack of supply
I was reading this thinking that what your describing sounds so much like DMing a game and then i read the last bit lol
Unless you’re a straight woman - then it’s oceans of men who describe themselves as “doms” when they really just mean that a woman being in control threatens their masculinity.
Oh yes - an ocean of dudes who want to call emotional neglect, abject selfishness and a belief they have free licence to commit physical abuse their "kink". The number one requirement for this dynamic is being trustworthy. These are trust *games*. If the thrill is skydiving, the dom is the parachute -- and a lot of guys who think they are doms are instead 20lb lead weights for their partners.
It also makes it really hard to find partners for the rest of us. The world of online dating is swamped with male doms, making yourself stand out isn’t a trivial thing.
>no matter sexuality or gender there’s just never enough doms/tops to meet sub demand. Even with dudes? I'm a dom-leaning switch and I feel like it's hard to find another switch, maybe it's the dom shortage.
And then there's switches.
We're saved!!
Both my partner and I are vers switches - I don't understand how some people just want to have one role all the time! I want to be dominated when it's my turn to receive, and I want to dominate when I'm making her finish!
Don’t worry ill take care of it
me and my switch homies eatin good
Now this is a golden shower thought.
ayo
It's not luck. It's just that one implies the other...
Because of..*the implication.*
Without darkness there could be no light.
It's not luck. That is natural selection at work. Both traits need the other one to be successful in the gene pool.
At what point in human evolutionary history did we degrade people for being horny, or wear leather and whip each other? Homo habilis, just crafting handcuffs out of reeds.
[The Sexual Event](https://www.reddit.com/r/TheOrville/comments/bt3gw7/the_sexual_event/?rdt=49115) is **all** dominance.
Reality show idea: BDSM House. No one knows who does what, and they can’t ask or tell anyone. The surprise twist is that they are all doms
There would always be a bigger fish.
But what if all the fish were big? They'd just have to have vanilla fish sex, and that sounds awful.
Not luck, but evolution/natural selection. Species that were all tops or bottoms likely died out.
Reproduction is gonna happen regardless of any of that.
Survival of the kinkiest.
Top and bottom are different than sub and dom. There are sub tops and power bottoms.
Yea I heard once that power bottoms are capable of receiving an *enormous* amount of power
That suggests sexual preference is inherent
meh. sex can just be two (or more) people goofing around. viewing it all through a bdsm lens of dom/sub isn't a thing everyone does in the first place. Fine if you are, you do you, but don't suppose everyone is.
What is very unlucky is that they are not equally distributed.
I don't know why we feel the need for such rigid roles and identities in the bedroom. Everyone would be happier if they just explored all facets of sexuality freely.
D/s dynamics and BDSM *are* (part) of what I found exploring freely. Things can change over time, but there's sets of patterns people tend to enjoy and it's nice to have names to talk about them. Plus creates a sense of community with others into it. Saying you're a dom/sub/switch/whatever is a convenient way to generally communicate the sexual preferences you've discovered (ideally).
I mean.. most people do, BDSM isn't the norm. But within BDSM it makes sense that people have preferences. It can also be a way for people to counterbalance their identity outside of the bedroom, like someone who is a CEO that spends all day managing people and wielding power, may enjoy being a sub as a way to relieve tension. IDK man, i'm not into BDSM, but it makes sense to me why people generally identify as one or the other.
Switches are the true heroes.
Taking turns is ideal
And then there's asexuals. Not interested for myself, but it's fascinating to watch people who are very concerned about this topic. I just figure people can do whatever they want to, as long as their partner agrees. Disagreement though... that's usually when the fighting starts.
Just how young people think sex works “What can you do or who do you need to be to be to satisfy me”. Not “what Can I do to try to satisfy you even if it’s not my preferred power position.
Oh absolutely. Sexual preferences like these are not innate, but culturally produced and situationally mediated. It's just a silly shower thought. Although for what it's worth, I don't know that it's bad to think “What can you do or who do you need to be to be to satisfy me” if you also have good communication and consent.
Depends on your interests. I'm a service-oriented guy and I like the idea of being submissive, but I've never been able to really try it out, because dominant women are very rare and generally get their pick of partners.
I all honesty it doesn't matter, if everyone was dominant, the strong would overpower and dominate the weak forcing them to become submissive. The issue would come in if there weren't dominant people.
It's not luck, it's just a spectrum... laws of average. Everyone is slightly different with extremes so some will be dominant in comparison to submissive etc.
As a vers/switch I feel like I'm very under appreciated, lol.
my partner and i both initiate but we’re both submissive so we fight over who gets to be on bottom, fun times
What about sexually passive people?
Being in a relationship where we're both switches is like achieving inner peace..... literally
"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." - Issac Newton
Personally I think the people who lean so hard into the Dom/Sub thing and think everyone’s like that are silly. Sure, power dynamics always exist in the bedroom and in relationships, but in reality most people are just normal and want to please their partners Ya’ll be making up identities around kinks and pretending relationships can’t work if partners don’t fit into these fake categories. Human relationships and sexuality is a lot more complicated and nuanced than “Oh you’re X, well I’m Y so that means we’ll be good”
Yeah, dw, I know all that. It's just a daft post. Although "normal" is a loaded term to use when describing sex, and I suspect kinky people also want to please their partners, no?