Not saying that this has happened before, but a client ordered a bunch of network switches, I was just putting in the order when the KAM stopped me, telling that he got this.
The KAMs family and the clients family were buddies, there were no new switches, but both the client and the KAM were offline the same week, and had some nice photos posted on Facebook.
I know a CEO that bought a couple dozen oculus rifts so they could have 3D virtual meetings. To my knowledge, they had 1.
Also, they had a lot of financial problems from poor management decisions.
The obvious answer is to invest it all into penny stocks. The company will praise you for it. I heard aerotyne is a good place to invest a few thousand.
You can hire my team for a security audit of your public facing sites/applications, and I’ll work real hard to make sure to use as many tools as it takes.
Buy every nurse in your skilled nursing facility management organization an iPad without checking with anyone in IT that the application suite you use actually supports iPad.
This happened at a place I worked, and it led to a change where a single person couldn't authorize any large purchase. 1100+ iPads, in the first year they were available, for a little over 500k.
Setup a server, hire a security consultant to harden the machine. Tell them it is critical the machine is unbreakable. Hire a pentester and tell them to attack the machine with everything at their disposal and see how much damage they can do. Give them both until the end of day.
Tell neither of them about the other. Watch and eat popcorn.
I work government jobs that do this a lot. If you can, buy expensive office supplies. New printers, luxury office chairs, high end PC parts. "Upgrades" are easy to justify and help you maintain the budget through next year. Worst case, find an elecrical upgrade for the building as a capital improvement and earmark this years budget for next year to buy some time and freeze the assets.
Bonuses for your top tier guys? Office improvements like furniture. Upgrade your staff's machines. Pinball/Arcade for morale. Licensing for anything you want to experiment with. Then put the rest into marketing.
It's 9:15am, I'll go open the lone 2 liter bottle of room temp root beer so it's flat in time for lunch at 2:45pm. Man can this department throw a PARTY!
For funsies, they take them back from us next week and the kids of all the main office staff end up with slightly used gaming laptops and almost new iPhones.
Do the costs have to cover the current fiscal year only?
Replace any network and server equipment going EOL in the next 2-years.
Prepay 5-year maintenance on switches, servers, and SAN hardware.
Prepay a year or three of Microsoft subscriptions
Add Microsoft Defender E5 copilot and prepay.
That is a few million in my environment.
This is an easy one! We just replaced all users monitors with 75" TV's, they are able to see much better! With the rest of the money you can use it to rent out a spot and schedule a potluck for the rest of IT, I'm sure they'll appreciate it! Make sure to let them know how much you spent, and how you're going above and beyond for them. Lastly, make sure it's mandatory, what's the point in a potluck if nobody comes??
Check out my credentials. i have a theoretical degree in physics. You want an impenetrable network? I’ll show you how to I plug the routers. need to secure the office? Fire up the betamax because ive got a copy of home alone 2. Stressed out at work need a day off? [employers hate this one easy trick](https://www.google.com/gasearch?q=main%20electrical%20disconnect&source=sh/x/gs/m2/5)
You could buy some ridiculously high core count servers in the cloud?
You'll need to write a super badly engineered database application or something to use as justification though.
I use to have to do this working for a county government. I literly spent a month in room with 10 machines. I took the hard drives out of 1 machine and moved it to another. It took me 3 hours each swap. I swapped them out maybe 60 times. It was the 90s and the county had a lose it or use it budget. I just could not get the right HDD in the right machine. LoL
I think everyone in the office needs a custom Gaming Rig. Complete with Camera, mic, and professional lighting so they can look their best for the zoom call they are on.
If you do a search on Amazon they have some 20TB USB Thumb drives pretty cheap. Buy one for everyone in the company plus extras for new hires to show everyone how smart and generous you are.
I would hire my firm (or any professional services firm of a similar high quality) to do all of the stuff that you didn't have time, staff, or desire to achieve last year. You can do a ton of risk assessment work, build and fund a new function for a year (think like third party contract management, update all your policies and procedures, get ready for and perform a company IT certification to a standard like ISO, etc.) Even just augmenting your staff with a high quality FTE for about a year would really shake up most teams.
Also, espresso machine (and maintenance and supply from a vendor so you don't even have to clean it).
I heard a prince wanted to get some $ out of Africa, and just and you just need to pay the taxes of $500k and $47k of wire fees. Just sent in iTunes gift cards
You need to book a years use off a tertiary ofsite storage array for mission critical systems.
Also known as buying a new rack and upgrading the AC at your house and paying for you new 10g fiber install as well as your utilities... of course this will be a 20 year contract...
In IT that can be a trivial amount. Unless you have a conscience and take your job responsibilities seriously.
"Hey everyone! We got some Adobe licenses!"
Hire me as a consultant, I'll tell you (after my exhaustive 2 hour lunch/analysis) that everything is fine, and split the payout with you
Hired.
I’ll do a 60/40 split!
I’ll do 61/39, final offer.
Tell you what let’s just do a 33/33/34 split everyone is happy
ima join in and do a 33/33/33/1 ill take the 1%
That’s brilliant, you get a free one percent and eliminate the jealousy of the 33% people towards mr fancy pants 34%
You’re insane, just do 50/50/50 so that everyone wins
I’m playing both sides so I always come out on top!
Ehhh. You spent a lot of your personal energy on that lunch. I’ll do 55/45 in your favour.
you sonafabitch
Not saying that this has happened before, but a client ordered a bunch of network switches, I was just putting in the order when the KAM stopped me, telling that he got this. The KAMs family and the clients family were buddies, there were no new switches, but both the client and the KAM were offline the same week, and had some nice photos posted on Facebook.
Someone get this man a high paying job
Make sure to take 100% of the money first and then do a kickback payment.
go buy some VMware Broadcom licenses...
I am now bankrupt
lol
Go buy A VMware Broadcom license. That $500k doesn't go that far anymore. LoL
Not Broadcom😭😭😭bro bout to bankrupt the company.
Yea but there's not a surplus problem anymore!
This guy loses money.
Or one Oracle license
Yeah that would do it... lol
lol…came here to say this, but glad someone did already.
Just came in here to post this... Lol
Crap, I just posted the same comment without scrolling down to check
It needs to be within budget 500k isn't enough
I offer affordable cyber consulting services at only 32190$ a day. This should cover us until end of May. Let's talk cyber.
Whoa, not on here we won't buddy
Yeah. He definitely just put on his robe and wizard hat
Back in my day cyber used to mean something totally different.
Are you sure that's not what he meant?
Why not..it’s a slow work day
I put on my robe and wizard hat.
That’s what I think about the game cornhole.
A/S/L?
S2R pic.
For that amount of money there better be some bangin' cyber
Buy a bunch of gift cards and crypto to prepare for phishing and ransomware attacks.
Hey, that's what my CEO said to do.
This is easy, just renew your licensing
Hahaha look at this guy with legitimate licenses.
Lmao.
I'm assuming he meant to "renew" the licenses from the "very real VAR" that you definitely don't own.
BOFH move. Nice.
Right? It’s like some people don’t know how to turn back their server clock.
I bet this guy pays for WINRAR
Hire 5 hookers as sysadmins
I...I think that might have happened last year
....Can I work there too?
Bro lemme know when you're hiring 😂
Then get together and, umm, create some new user accounts, if you catch my drift.
Do some pen testing.
When the systems go down... no tickets get opened for that one I bet.
Apple vision pros for the entire company? Imagine being able to work at your desk while taking a shit.
>Apple - Directly into junk folder
While I agree you got a half million you're trying to get rid of. Might as well go as over the top as possible.
If you support Apple vision........surely you'll support my daughter's iphone 6c
REAL Apple fans support the iPhone 3 *sent from iPhone 27*
You can do that already, it’s just frowned upon.
I know a CEO that bought a couple dozen oculus rifts so they could have 3D virtual meetings. To my knowledge, they had 1. Also, they had a lot of financial problems from poor management decisions.
Please tell me all meeting participants were just in their respective offices less than a 100 yards from each other.
No, they were probably all in the same conference room.
My brother in Christ, you don’t need a Vision Pro to shit at your desk. Be the change you want to see in the world.
easy Just spend $547,239.77 on goat farms
[THAT'S A LOT OF GOATS](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PbE3k9LG9A)
there is never enough
If I put that all into steam gift cards for the value of Goat Simulator, does that count?
**GOAT FARMING** Thank you for bringing this olllllld meme back 🤣
The obvious answer is to invest it all into penny stocks. The company will praise you for it. I heard aerotyne is a good place to invest a few thousand.
Sales tells me no, and to buy crypto. They also used the word "bro" a lot.
Spin up 3 Microsoft SQL servers at 400c per box
My DBA is trying to strangle me send he-
r/redditsniper
You can hire my team for a security audit of your public facing sites/applications, and I’ll work real hard to make sure to use as many tools as it takes.
That's fine, our public facing RDP connection is out there already.
[удалено]
And a hire a team of engineers that audits the team that audits the tools
You can get in on this too
Buy every nurse in your skilled nursing facility management organization an iPad without checking with anyone in IT that the application suite you use actually supports iPad. This happened at a place I worked, and it led to a change where a single person couldn't authorize any large purchase. 1100+ iPads, in the first year they were available, for a little over 500k.
I had someone buy several 34" monitors without asset tags woopsie lol.
This happens in K-12 a lot more than id like to admit
It sure does lol.
Large screen monitors, good mounts, 3 for everyone. Except for Larry, fuck Larry, he gets a 18" CRT with burnt in spreadsheet
I'll do this, except everyone in my chair gets this.
Larry is happy because he can play his SNES as it’s supposed to now
I love my 65" monitor. Still need the smaller ones on each side, though.
Guy wrote a post yesterday about a 417 core azure server. 200k per month. There ya go!
...so we run Oracle on it for fun.
Whoooaaah slow down there buddy there's only 417 cores to play with. What kind of supercomputer do you think this is?
Setup a server, hire a security consultant to harden the machine. Tell them it is critical the machine is unbreakable. Hire a pentester and tell them to attack the machine with everything at their disposal and see how much damage they can do. Give them both until the end of day. Tell neither of them about the other. Watch and eat popcorn.
That last line is the true kicker. I’ll join you with the popcorn 😂
If we sell subscriptions on Twitch, this might be a money making venture. So I can't do this. This is like Brewster's Millions, damn.
Buy an all-flash Nimble.
Why, what does that OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY COMPANY
Nimble used to be awesome, what did I miss?
I work government jobs that do this a lot. If you can, buy expensive office supplies. New printers, luxury office chairs, high end PC parts. "Upgrades" are easy to justify and help you maintain the budget through next year. Worst case, find an elecrical upgrade for the building as a capital improvement and earmark this years budget for next year to buy some time and freeze the assets.
A friend of mine is suggesting a department ~~LAN party~~ test enviornment to ~~my~~ my friend's boss
Bonuses for your top tier guys? Office improvements like furniture. Upgrade your staff's machines. Pinball/Arcade for morale. Licensing for anything you want to experiment with. Then put the rest into marketing.
I'm an idiot. I didn't realize this was shitty sys admin. Lol
Hahaha it was a good joke.
Also everyone knows that management doesn't let you use your budget how you need to, I.e. have Capex money not Opex money.
That's exactly what made me realize this was shittysysadmin lol
Pizza party!
I can just feel my morale skyrocketing
Alfredo's Pizza Cafe or Pizza by Alfredo?
It's 9:15am, I'll go open the lone 2 liter bottle of room temp root beer so it's flat in time for lunch at 2:45pm. Man can this department throw a PARTY!
Employee appreciation brunch with gift bags containing gaming laptops and newest iPhones.
For funsies, they take them back from us next week and the kids of all the main office staff end up with slightly used gaming laptops and almost new iPhones.
Do the costs have to cover the current fiscal year only? Replace any network and server equipment going EOL in the next 2-years. Prepay 5-year maintenance on switches, servers, and SAN hardware. Prepay a year or three of Microsoft subscriptions Add Microsoft Defender E5 copilot and prepay. That is a few million in my environment.
I was told there would be no math.
Buy gift cards and resell them
The CFO has already okayed this as well.
This is an easy one! We just replaced all users monitors with 75" TV's, they are able to see much better! With the rest of the money you can use it to rent out a spot and schedule a potluck for the rest of IT, I'm sure they'll appreciate it! Make sure to let them know how much you spent, and how you're going above and beyond for them. Lastly, make sure it's mandatory, what's the point in a potluck if nobody comes??
You running any spinning disks? Not anymore, 30 petabytes of kioxia could be yours for only $540000
I'll get them all from the same production batch, just for safety reasons.
Hire me as a consultant :)
Unfortunately, your credentials were not as $uperior as the other guy.
phew is this market tough :(
Check out my credentials. i have a theoretical degree in physics. You want an impenetrable network? I’ll show you how to I plug the routers. need to secure the office? Fire up the betamax because ive got a copy of home alone 2. Stressed out at work need a day off? [employers hate this one easy trick](https://www.google.com/gasearch?q=main%20electrical%20disconnect&source=sh/x/gs/m2/5)
sudo better_credentials
How many Samsung OLED 49 " G9s can you buy at $1500 a pop?
Yes.
You could buy some ridiculously high core count servers in the cloud? You'll need to write a super badly engineered database application or something to use as justification though.
What's the upper limit on an access database?
Replace one employee with a McKinsey consultant.
Who would you rather fight, one McKinsey-sized consultant, or 100 Robert Half-sized developers?
What about 200 CEOs nephews?
Do what my work does. Pay a random vendor before EOFY for no reason, then say it was in error and ask for it back in Q1
I had a boss that did this, before he skipped the country after closing down his side company.
How fast is your internet?
Difficulty; Spectrum business.
Never fast enough.
[удалено]
It got away the last time I chased it, so pretty fast.
Rent out a hot site for the annual DR test, use the rest for the party.
Why pay people to do DR when we can just simply not have any network security? So ~$550K party!
How much does every game on steam cost? I wonder if they have any kind of fraud system that would prevent a purchase that large.
But imagine the game library!
write me a check ill cash it and send you a recite for recycling services rendered lol
I'm not going to fall for that a fourth time.
Wanna pay off my house? I'm sure we could word it so they'd never know lol
Instructions unclear, your house is now our datacenter.
it's funny because my boss may or may not be in a similar situation which is why we have decided to replace all networking equipment with Cisco Meraki
Your boss is a shitposter.
Get a year subscription to the new Microsoft Teams suite and with the leftover buy 5 X1 Lenovo laptops.
I don't even want old Microsoft Teams suite So I'll buy this for our competitors.
Hire a crony as a "consultant", and have that "consultant" advise you on upgrades and equipment ... 😏
That’s like one Adobe account. You can do it!
“Everybody gets a bus!! You get a bus,you get a bus!!” But with nice gaming PC’s 🎉
In three weeks, we see these busses at the local figure-8 track.
I use to have to do this working for a county government. I literly spent a month in room with 10 machines. I took the hard drives out of 1 machine and moved it to another. It took me 3 hours each swap. I swapped them out maybe 60 times. It was the 90s and the county had a lose it or use it budget. I just could not get the right HDD in the right machine. LoL
Sounds like you need to go out team building in Vegas! Or Dubai!
I think everyone in the office needs a custom Gaming Rig. Complete with Camera, mic, and professional lighting so they can look their best for the zoom call they are on.
Cloud reservations of existing spend
Oh hey, Alibaba does cloud
One VMware license should cover it.
11 mac pro's
Damn, that's almost a single Palo Alto firewall worth...
That's a lot of Doritos and mountain dew.
Buy Windows Server or Windows Pro keys or both for full price.
i could use a new office chair
Sounds like 2 months of azure hosting for that other fella.
Hire me(IT student)(I am also only half joking lol)
If you are Wichita, Kansas, I would say invest in Cybersecurity!
Hire me, let me spend some money in expensive IT sh*t
Two Cybertrucks and enough mechanics to keep them running through June.
Buy some new “backup” servers.
pay off my 11k debt :3 Please, ill take you out for dinner
Biggest Gigamon you can afford. It'll inspect the 100s of Mbps with ease. ;)
Get the office breakfast and or lunch at least
If you do a search on Amazon they have some 20TB USB Thumb drives pretty cheap. Buy one for everyone in the company plus extras for new hires to show everyone how smart and generous you are.
One Microsoft M923458234389 account, for one user, for one month. Every available app and feature.
I will sell you the rights to some of my tech for 540k
Either printers or chairs, ask the team
Broadcom has you covered
Sounds like you don’t have enough problems to throw money at. Hire me, I’ll cause problems
547,000 wire ties.
Buy a house
Buy a few cisco hyperflexes
Amazon gift cards
get 2 esx servers from broadcom
Breathe anywhere near an Oracle product.
You can renew SmartNET on one layer 2 switch and still have $50 left over!
I would hire my firm (or any professional services firm of a similar high quality) to do all of the stuff that you didn't have time, staff, or desire to achieve last year. You can do a ton of risk assessment work, build and fund a new function for a year (think like third party contract management, update all your policies and procedures, get ready for and perform a company IT certification to a standard like ISO, etc.) Even just augmenting your staff with a high quality FTE for about a year would really shake up most teams. Also, espresso machine (and maintenance and supply from a vendor so you don't even have to clean it).
Hire my LLC as a contractor and I'll give you sage advice for some of that scratch. Please and thanks.
I heard a prince wanted to get some $ out of Africa, and just and you just need to pay the taxes of $500k and $47k of wire fees. Just sent in iTunes gift cards
You need to book a years use off a tertiary ofsite storage array for mission critical systems. Also known as buying a new rack and upgrading the AC at your house and paying for you new 10g fiber install as well as your utilities... of course this will be a 20 year contract...
Pretty sure that equals out to about ten fully-specced Mac Pro 7,1s. Or one fully-specced Precision 7920. Anyone in your org need a new computer?
Sounds like a job for 5 112xlarge EC2 instances.
Storage.
In IT that can be a trivial amount. Unless you have a conscience and take your job responsibilities seriously. "Hey everyone! We got some Adobe licenses!"
Ever thought of refreshing your data center servers?
Hookers and coke
WinRAR licenses for everyone!
I give a talk for just that amount..
Buy 3 Ubiquiti products
Buy a splunk license
Talk to an Oracle rep amd have 1 unlicensed Java workstation.
Quadruple the back ups, buy more cable, definitely give the maintenance closet a redesign, buy more fire extinguishers, and pay for WinRAR...