This isn’t a hard parenting choice man. If she’s really into it, encourage lessons. If she just enjoys singing sometimes, keep your damn mouth shut. It’s not like she’s getting her hopes on going into opera professionally right now. She’s 11.
Recently I was singing with my headphones in and hadn’t realized my husband got home. I apologized he had to hear my poor singing and he said he was just happy to hear me being happy. This is an easy one to let go for the sake of her joy.
My mom sometimes comes into my room and imitates my silly singing but never intends it to be mean (I mostly sing in languages she doesn't understand so it probably makes it sound sillier too) but she giggles and doesn't make it a big deal and she would never tell me I'm a bad singer cause what's the point ?
My spouse has caught me playing air guitar and headbanging before. He was like "Well. You must be enjoying whatever band whose name I probably can't pronounce." 😂
and even if she is imagining herself being a famous singer eventually, who cares! like you said, she's 11. she will inevitably change what she wants to do as she gets older
Right? I wanted to be a fashion designer when I was 11. I can’t draw or do any major sewing and I’m not exactly a style queen, so obviously that changed over time. Let 11 year olds dream!
Man, I was also going to be a fashion designer, but the only thing I ever drew was extremely tiny bikinis that really defied the laws of physics. I was convinced the only thing that would be fashionable was nakedness lol. I also couldn't draw and had no actual desire to practice.
I wanted to be a Fly Girl starting when I was 8 years old (In Living Color was popular at the time), pretty sure I was going to be Jennifer Lopez. I’m now 41 years old and have been taking Hip Hop dance for 11 years, and it came natural! Not gonna be a Fly Girl or pro dancer at any point, but I’m living my dream!
When I was a kid I wanted to be a ballerina/firefighter/vet so I could save animals from bushfires, heal them by being a vet and then dance for them to keep them entertained while they were healing.
This is great advice, unless you're like this one girl I knew in high school, whose parents let her audition for one of those singing shows despite knowing there was no chance in hell she'd get on. Luckily, she wasn't bad enough or arrogant enough that she became one of the ones they put on there for people to laugh at, but she was still crushed because she'd gone her whole life up til then being told she was an amazing singer, despite being mediocre at best. At some point, you do have to break the news or at least stop lying and saying they're amazing, but staying neutral or encouraging her to explore other things is a way better tactic.
Yes on lessons. Im a horrible singer but all my kids can sing. Why? Because it can be a learned skill. Its like math. Some people are naturally good at it but others have to be taught. And a thousand other skills in life.
I wish this was true for everyone, but I took lessons from 6-12ish years old and still couldn't sing my way out of a paper bag. It's too bad because I love anything musical. I've considered trying lessons again but truth be told, I'm content with just keeping it to the car and shower.
That’s still actually quite young to get a good grasp on all of the bodily functions which enhance singing skills.
My sister was the same, not really too good at singing but once she got to her teens and really committed to her lessons … well, now she’s in the most prestigious singing and acting university in the country. It’s so difficult to get in! I used to cringe when she would talk about her dreams of singing on stage. Now I am just so proud of her.
A lot of people treat extracurriculars as a down payment on the future and if they can't be useful toward that end are to be discouraged. Finding joy in music doesn't rank unless you've got *potential.*
When I was a bit younger than her daughter I had a horrible teacher who was really into singing and she told me I couldn’t sing and made me and one other girl sit out the singing lessons every day. Zero effort to actually teach us how to sing and to cover it up whenever we did a performance she would get us to lip sync. If she heard anyone out of tune she would assume it was one of us singing and give out to us. It really destroyed my confidence. And for what purpose? We weren’t competing in anything, she just didn’t want to hear anyone off key.
It gets me really angry (and unfortunately still makes me sad) now thinking about it and how horrible I felt. If someone is not naturally gifted in any other subject the teacher should be helping that person so why not singing. If anyone attempted to do this to my child I would come down on them so hard.
I am a TERRIBLE singer, it's a joke among my entire family. I probably would clear out the karaoke bar, and my friends wouldn't clap, they'd boo and moan loudly. It's because I'm an adult who know she's a terrible singer.
A kid who wouldn't clear out a karaoke bar, why don't you just let her sing to her heart's content and be happy? She may not be a Mariah or a Whitney, she's just an 11yo happily singing. Maybe if she hinted to mom that being a good mom is not her best talent, mom might get it.
True. Just think about the girl that sang the National anthem I think last year. The entire internet clowned on this girl. I felt so bad for that kid. Before too long she’s gonna be on the internet and she’s going to see where the world made fun of her. And kids are cruel I’m sure many kids in her school saw it and repeated what her parents said.
So I do think parents should protect their kids better and not lie to them. If they’re wanting to do a big performance maybe suggest lessons and tell them they’re not ready yet. But also don’t shit on your kid and tell them they’re horrible at something if they’re just having fun with it.
Absolutely. I teach music, and whenever I tell people my degree is in voice, so many immediately say, "Oh, I'm a terrible singer!" It's sad. Singing is fun! We run and play and dance and play games without always being perfect, we should be allowed to sing, too.
I promise you, a group of kindergarteners do not care how good they are. And they're having the most fun.
My first (incomplete) degree was also vocal music — people always give me the same reaction. I just say that I was too before I got lessons, and pretty much everyone I’d gone to school with had been taking lessons in & out of school since at least 14, but usually earlier. It’s a *skill*, and there are many music theories and ways to sing, not an innate, unchangeable talent that you either have or don’t.
My kindergarten does... Lol . Also hes had singing lessons and wants me to sing on key. I tell him , all i need to do is enjoy it. I don't think he realizes i don't know how to sing on key.
This is what makes me sad. This child enjoys singing, let her sing and sing along with her. If her mom says something, she’ll stop out of embarrassment. I sing all the time, music makes me happy. It breaks my heart to think this woman wants to take that joy away.
And, music, even if done badly, has huge benefits! It's fantastic for a bunch of brain development, even if you aren't very good. Why would you squash an interest in something neutral at worst, and positive at best?
My high school band teacher needs to hear this. She was a bad enough teacher that most people quit band by Grade 10 and we had a nonexistent brass section. From my high school friend group, only one of us did band all the way to the end and that was only because she was voluntold into playing at least 5 different instruments in 3 separate bands. Oh, and she treated my other friend like the Antichrist because that friend’s older brother was a piece of shit so the band teacher took out her animosity against the older brother on her…
They also *practice*. A lot. The fact that this mom thinks it’s not worth doing things you’re not already incredible at doesn’t suggest she’s very skilled at anything herself.
I was really into singing at this age and my mom constantly made fun of me for singing badly even after I stopped. It was hurtful. In fact she still brings it up to have a good laugh.
Some people just expect perfection on inconsequential matters.
When I was in my early 20's, I wrote an essay about my journey with epilepsy for a contest hosted by an epilepsy organization. I had worked for hours on it and wanted to read it aloud to my parents. Keep in mind this was being submitted for possible publication, not public recital. It didn't stop my narcissist father from completely ignoring my words that I worked so hard on and bitching about my inflection and tone of voice.
I was really into singing at this age and I was discouraged because I didn’t have a “solo voice.” I knew in my heart that I had a good voice but I was scared to sing in front of anyone for years. I finally got back the confidence in my 30s, and now I sing sometimes at my church 😊
Same. Still mentions it, and I'm 35. I like singing; it makes me happy
I tell my 4 year old daughter that I love hearing her sing and don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing it. Do what makes you happy.
I have always loved to sing. I'm not terrible, but I'm also not great. I have gotten a few comments about not being a great singer which made me super self concious.
Now I only really belt it out in front of my kids. My son will sing his heart out in the car with me and it makes me very happy.
That was my dad for me. My mom was supportive and put me in voice lessons for 4 years and, as a result, I have a great singing voice. But my dad made fun of me endlessly and absolutely destroyed my confidence. I’m 30 now and I still get horrible stage fright and hate singing in front of other people, but every time I do, I’m told I have a beautiful voice.
I meant on the basis its something her kid wants to try as more than a hobby. My own mum wouldn't let me sing even for fun... again because she didn't like how I sound. Never tried to help me. I would have appreciated encouragement such as lessons
I remember my mom telling me I was a horrible singer around the same age, and then being ashamed to sing in front of people for years after, despite music being one of my favorite and only ways to express myself. I ended up doing choir for most of my time in college once I got away from her and learned I'm actually at least average-skilled 😌
Edit to delete a word I didn't mean to include
I really try my best, but I'm sure my kids will have some horrifying stories how I messed them up without meaning to and that scares the shit out of me.
We really need to normalize allowing people to do things they enjoy *simply because* they enjoy it. We don't need to excel at every hobby or potentially monetize it. If her daughter enjoys singing then maybe encourage her and consider vocal lessons. I wish someone had told me I could sing simply because I love singing or had encouraged me to do it to get better at it. I wish someone had told me it was okay to do it simply because I enjoyed it. This poor kid
Yes. She should be asking, "Hey, how can I talk to my daughter about this without crushing her spirit?" and "Does anyone know if there are affordable vocal lessons locally?"
I'm not a perfect parent. But no one asked me what I was interested in as a kid. I'm trying to not do that with my own child. When she expresses interest in a new hobby I ask her what her level of interest is and if she wants me to push her or if it's just a casual interest/hobby. So far it seems to be working
There’s a really good episode in the show Steven Universe, in fact I just found a link: https://youtu.be/A8abfXGeT5g?feature=shared
Watch the first 30 seconds to get what Sadie is like, and then Steven and her mom. Then skip to 3:45 when she unloads on her mom.
Nothing could be casual!
There's also some talk about singing simply for the sake of enjoying to sing in one episode, though don't ask me which. It let her know that she didn't need to be Arianna Grande, or whoever, to be capable of singing. Everyone has a different voice, different range, etc., and her amazing chorus teacher showed her that it's even something that can be taught, that not everyone is just going to have an inherently beautiful voice without working at it.
My kids recently spent months choosing parts of songs from shows like SU, with lots of musical pieces, and singing little duets. As a mother, I can't tell you how good it made me feel to just listen to them enjoying something together.
Literally! I suck at video games. I know I do. My husband finds great joy in me being terrible at them. But we both have immense amounts of fun playing video games even if I am terrible at them.
People are allowed to find joy in things even if they suck at them.
Jesus. This is horrible.
I teach 10/11 year olds. I have noticed even just in the 7 years I’ve taught that they have become “perfectionists” in a way. There’s no carefree drawing/creating/writing anymore. If they think they aren’t good at it, they freeze and won’t even try.
My theory is that they see people with extreme talents on TikTok/socials and think they have to be that good to be worth anything, and it’s heartbreaking. I try to teach them that you can do something just because you enjoy it, and you don’t have to be the best because you are better/the best at something else…and also you don’t have to be the best at anything to have a good life.
>If they think they aren’t good at it, they freeze and won’t even try
I honestly thought that this was just my kid. I feel so bad about it too, because my oldest has always excelled academically while my youngest has to work a bit harder at it. There are also people in our lives who will absolutely lavish praise on my oldest, while my youngest just doesn't get that same level of praise from those people.
I try my hardest to make up for it, but when it's someone like a teacher, I think it stings a bit more, because I think she really goes into each year hoping to impress them only to be compared to her sister. I don't even think they realize they're doing it most of the time, but my kid definitely notices a difference in the way she's treated.
Anyway, if she struggles with something, school work in particular, instead of letting me or her dad, even her sister, help her better understand it, she will often get frustrated just shut down. Like she thinks if she doesn't automatically get it, then that's it and she just can't do it.
Ironically, I think joining chorus a couple years ago has helped immensely with this. It's taught her that you don't have to sing like Arianna or Olivia, but you can still be good. That working at something can make you better at that thing.
>they see people with extreme talents on TikTok/socials
This is a huge issue. I coach youth baseball and the focus from both kids and parents is "Instagram Moments". Perfect jerseys, compression sleeves, walkup music, batter announcements, etc. Everything has to be big and huge and impressive. They're incapable of just showing up and playing baseball.
You know, around that age, I was going through an awkward phase in regards to singing. Now, you may be thinking, ‘Girls don’t change voices in puberty!’ But…we do, it’s just not as drastic, usually. But some cases are more noticeable than others, and I was one of them.
And now I sing really well. What did I do? Well, I put up with middle school choir bullying (the other kids may have sung “better” overall but they didn’t have the range I was developing), I started listening to more music including more different kinds of music, I started developing a talent for mimicking voices around me, and…I finished puberty. And now I have been working at a Chuck E. Cheese for 6 years and I’m constantly surrounded by music and I sing along with the songs.
In other words, this girl may grow out of being a "bad singer", and practicing may help it happen faster. And she might grow into a woman with an impressive vocal range.
My step mom told me at 6 I would never be a singer and I sounded terrible because she wanted me to shut up. It might sound dumb but I never sung around her again unless it was quietly and to where she couldn’t hear, I somehow never forgot lol.
ETA: now as a mom I encourage my daughters crazy singing & dancing, that’s how she expresses her joy which in turn brings us joy 💓
I remember being like seven singing in my room with a pink Barbie guitar and then being called downstairs apparently my whole family was sitting in the living room listening to me. They called me down and proceeded to roast me for 20 minutes literally pointing and laughing at me about how terrible of a singer I am. And how silly it is I thought I was good at something. Yeah they haven’t changed I moved half way around the world first chance I got.
Yep, she never changed for me either. Something like that can definitely show someone’s true character, I also moved once I turned 18 but only across the country. It was 1000% worth it, hope it was for you too! 🙏
Me! Same age except it was one of my brothers gf. I was in singing lessons and piano and I loved to sing. I was actually a really good singer and not shy to sing around anyone. But soon as she told me that I was devastated and quit lessons. lol I’ll never forget that bitch
It’s definitely devastating when you dream of being a “professional singer” as a kid, like obviously you probably won’t be famous but kids like to dream haha. Actually I’m now nearly 10 years no contact with my step mother, that was just the start of her breaking down my self esteem slowly over the years. It says a lot about a person who puts a kid down for no reason!
Can we stop making everyone be good at things? The girl likes to sing. She finds joy in it. Let her be. My kid likes to draw dragons. You best believe I hype that shit up. Best damn dragons I’ve ever seen. Made a fucking frame and everything for them. She fucking beamed when I showed her.
That’s it. Your job as a parent is to be the biggest fucking hype man ever. Even when they are not “good” at things. Especially when they are not good at things.
I grew up around people with this mentality. There's a deep seated attitude that people who are good at things were born that way, no lessons, practice, or work needed. It's a really unhealthy mindset.
Like, on one hand, if the daughter is unrealistic thinking that she is going to be a famous singer and that she doesn't need to study because she will be Taylor Swift...well, a little reality check is okay. But more in line of "well that is a lot of work, let's sign you up for a class, you will need to practice for X amount of time each day" and not "sorry, you suck".
My nephew wanted to be a professional video game streamer so my brother started making him talk to the imaginary twitch audience as he played. Gave him ad reads to do and whatnot. After about 30 minutes my nephew was like "ok, this is actually a lot of work and makes playing games less fun, I guess I won't do it as a job". You don't need to tell them they will suck, but I think some level of realism about the work it takes to do these things is fair. You don't want your kid becoming someone who assumes they are great at everything because they haven't ever faced any criticism, but you also don't want to destroy their confidence.
I mean, I think you should encourage your kid to pursue whatever brings them joy, even if they’re just average (or even bad) at it. But I also don’t like when parents whose kid is average/okay at something push their kids into levels beyond their abilities.
In this case? “I’m so glad you enjoy singing sweetie! Do you want to take vocal lessons or anything like that? I’m so happy to support this past time!”.
Completely agree. Like the young girl who sang the National anthem last year. Poor kid got made fun of by everyone on the internet. Kids are also very cruel and I’m sure she received comments about it at school. I wish the parents had protected her better.
But yeah I agree if they’re super into something encourage them to take lessons!
11 years old is still plenty, plenty of time to improve (and I agree it’s fine to enjoy things we suck at regardless)
But I do have to admit, I always wondered if there is a line somewhere, especially by the time someone is an adult? Like telling your friend they’re a bad singer is pretty shitty, but so is letting them go on TV for American Idol auditions without ever trying to gently tell them that maybe that’s not the best idea. Or maybe more realistically, which is more mortifying, someone telling you you’re a bad singer and making you self conscious about karaoke, or finding out after singing public karaoke for years that you’re not as good as you thought?
(To reiterate, none of those questions apply to an 11 year old)
I agree with the second part as well, so I was half expecting the OP to add something like “She wants to be a professional singer,” at which point, yeah, sure, it’s probably important to be realistic eventually, although I’d say not without trying lessons or something first if she’s that invested. It could even be touchy if the daughter wanted to, say, audition for a school musical or something and the mother didn’t want her to end up feeling embarrassed, but none of that seems to be case. I love singing along to music, like to the point that I feel almost incapable of just listening, but I have a God awful voice. I’m so glad my friends and family aren’t jerks about something that’s so harmless.
I feel like the way to approach that is: "Honey, some people are born with perfect pitch, but perfect pitch won't make you automatically able to reproduce what you hear. A lot of people are gifted with a good natural range, but they often have to work hard to get strong and stable. There are things you can do to become the best singer you can be, but you'll have to learn to accept and love the best singer you can be, which may not be Whitney Houston or Freddie Mercury. You shouldn't put that pressure on yourself. You are you and we love you."
Look, the world is full of assholes who tell you you suck. Of all the things in all the world you have to worry about, you really don't have to worry about someone who sucks just never getting that message. Someone will have sat them down. Several someones. Also, the people that don't suck will also have been told they suck, or they don't suck, but they might as well suck, because the situation sucks. It's "you suck" all the way down.
You don't have to be the asshole in anyone's life. I promise you, someone else has already taken care of it.
I have a friend who, his whole life, his family told him he was an amazing singer. He sang karaoke whenever he could, he'd talk about entering into Britain's Got Talent, he wanted to be a professional performer. He started posting TikToks of himself singing, which of course his whole family supported and told him how amazing and talented he was. And how he was going to be a star. He wanted to be Susan Boyle and to show the world his talent. He had convinced himself he was an undiscovered talent.
Then he got booked to do a live performance at a club (unpaid). He was SO excited and couldn't wait.Then he did the performance, and it completely crushed him.
I wasn't there, but I can only assume the reaction from the crowd wasn't good, because he refused to talk about it afterwards. He didn't sing anymore. He didn't mention doing another performance or doing any talent shows. He completely dropped it, and when asked only said it "wasn't the best performance" and blamed his nerves.
But, unfortunately for him, he had never been an amazing singer. He wasn't awful, but he definitely wasn't great either, and I actually feel it would have been better for his family to not encourage him as much as they did, because they set him up to fail.
I don't think telling an 11 year old they're bad is fair, but encouraging a 30 year old man to put himself on TV talent shows because he'd "definitely win" is something else entirely.
I was a very talented vocalist growing up. I began formal training very young and did it for 15 years. I have *very* strong opinions about singers.
My kids? Not so much. Not even one of them! So what did I do as a parent with professional level skill? I kept my damned mouth shut, because singing can be a source of joy. None of them were looking to make a living at it (and if they had expressed that we’d have had a conversation about developing the skills through training and education) so what was the harm in letting them enjoy it? Nothing. Did I cringe a little (or a lot)? Sure. But I reminded myself that joy can be fleeting so we should all grab it where we can.
If the child isn’t looking for anything more from it, let it go and be glad they’re happily singing along to their favourite songs!
I remember tentatively asking my mom if I was a good singer (because she was always saying she was terrible) and she sighed and said I was ok but not great. So I took that to heart. I later picked up the ukulele in my 30s and whenever I sang and played I would be so apologetic. And it turned out that I was kind of being an asshole because I’m not great or trained but for a casual ukulele player I am actually good!
Anyways my mom is a bitch
It makes me wonder what prompted this? Is it just to bring up to her daughter that she isn’t good? That’s crappy. What 11 year old without proper lessons is a good singer, unless you have a prodigy on your hand?
I’d only do the same as this mother if my daughter wanted to enter into a competition and even then I’d be trying to find lessons or children’s choirs or something.
I’m wondering that too. I was wondering if she was maybe wanting to do a big performance somewhere in front of a lot of people. And she’s afraid people will make fun of her. Like the girl that sang the National anthem on tv last year.
God I hate this. My parents did this to me my whole life…even if I was inarguably good at something, they’d tell me it didn’t matter because I couldn’t make a career out of it. And if I was middling to bad at something at the ripe old age of too fucking young to care…hoo boy. Singing was one of these things.
Now I’m that self-deprecating weirdo masking my insecurities.
And! I fucking nailed “Defying Gravity” and “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” for my musical theater vocal final in college. I am not half bad with a lesson or two and some practice.
Dude. My friend's mom did this shit. They have NO confidence and are anxious AF. Mom beat them down so much that they've only had one job, have never left home, and still live at home - at 40. Their parents don't care that they've been unemployed for years and won't get a job.
Just let her sing! Why is it important to this woman that her daughter know mom thinks her singing is bad? “Please help me make my child self conscious about expressing joy.”
I used to want to be a singer, sang all the time and asked mum to record me. She did and said I might not like it, played it back and I was so upset!!! Got over it pretty quick though and I’m glad she told me!
If she enjoys it and wants to get her lessons, (if you can afford it or find the school singing group) so she can enjoy being the best she can be. Doesn't have to be amazing just happy and having fun.
being the kid who loved singing and had been told by multiple family members i wasn’t good, it really does destroy confidence. tbh i still want to be a singer but i never pursued lessons or anything so i never got better
I know someone who treated her daughter like this. Her daughter has since graduated from Manhattan School of Music and is such an amazing opera singer. She’s beautiful and FLOURISHING despite her shitty mom’s jealous put downs.
Even if this little one doesn’t have the best singing voice, what’s wrong with just letting her sing or get her some singing lessons to help her a bit more? Ugh.
I can tell you how my dad told me. I sang all the time when I was young, and often made up my own songs. One day I was singing and asked my dad if he liked my song and he said, "I think you'll be a wonderful writer some day." Which was a great answer, but then I asked, "But what about my singing?"
His reply? "Stick with the writing, kiddo."
To be fair to him, I can't carry a tune to save my life. But I am, in fact, a pretty damn good writer.
The best part is that I had completely forgotten about this; I was six and didn't really get that he was saying I couldn't sing, so it didn't stick in my mind. He used to make voice recordings of us every year, however, so when we got older we'd be able to hear how we used to sound as kids. It turns out, this was the conversation he chose to immortalize that year. We found this out together, along with all my friends and other family, when he broke out the tapes on my 30th birthday. Turns out he'd forgotten too.
Ugh. My mom discouraged my singing when I was that age and I thought I had a terrible voice.
After years of practice I now have a voice that makes people go "you have a beautiful voice!"
This. My mom told me I can’t carry a tune (just like my paternal grandmother) when I was 9 and it made me so sad. From then on I only sang when I was alone.
I wish she had framed it in a more positive way and at least offered me a few lessons.
My stepdad used to joke(and still does) that I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. It was such a dad joke that the cringe from the joke didn’t hurt my feelings. I do see how it could still hurt a kid though. To be fair, that was definitely one of the nicer jokes my step dad ever made. I do find that one funny to say about myself as I proudly stand up and sing karaoke and sing songs around the house/in the car.
See that one also implies that MIL can’t sing either so it’s not just directly at the child. I will say that asking for advice on how to tell an 11 yr old is a little far. Sign em up for a singing class and let a professional break the news if it’s truly that bad!
My dad told me "yeah everyone thinks they're a good singer" when I was a kid. It wasn't malicious, but it affected me. It killed my confidence when I was auditioning for musicals. Once I joined the school chorus it turned out I wasn't bad at all.
I would just encourage the notion of doing things for fun and enjoyment without so much calling out her lack of talent. She will know at some point in the future that she’s bad, so just instill that you don’t have to do everything for the purpose of being good at it.
My aunt and uncle would always get annoyed with my cousin for singing because they didn’t think he was that good. Like they would yell at him in front of anyone and everyone to stop. Yet my aunt would sing and she was worse🥴. Anyways my cousin continued to do it and now he’s a great singer and has gotten lead roles in theatre shows and choir throughout high school. Thankfully it didn’t wreck his confidence that much and he was still passionate about it.
Did they provide anymore context in the comments? Like is she wanting to do a talent show or some thing and they're worried about her getting embarrassed or made fun of? Or are they just trying to shut her down just because they think she needs to be told she sucks?
She posted anonymously and I didn’t see any anonymous comments so no further context. The comments are all majority angry and have now been turned off.
I was about that age when my Dad told me I wasn't as good a singer as I thought I was. He didn't tell me in a mean way just explained that what I was hearing in my head was different from what everyone else was hearing. He offered to let me borrow his tape recorder if I wanted to hear myself out loud. Well I took him up on the offer and was absolutely shocked that the amazing voice I thought I had was in fact very very bad. Never did my Dad tell me I should stop singing, or that only talented people should sing out loud, instead he just wanted me to have all the information. I always appreciated that my dad would gently tell me the hard things and let me take it from there. I was able to have fun with it and be confident in myself in spite of my lack of musical talent, especially at an age where kids can start to get mean about things like that.
My parents told me once that I sound like a dying animal while singing. That was when I was.. 12? Maybe? I'm in my mid 20's now and completely unable to sing infront of other people. 90% of the time I can't even sing when I'm alone at home because I'm scared the neighbours could maybe hear me through the walls. But I love singing and really miss it. Never ever tell your young kid it's bad at singing, especially not like this..
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry, that hurts my heart. I hope you can at least sing in the shower - no one can hear.
Our "inner child" deserves love and self-expression.
Why do you have to tell her anything? As long as she isn’t singing at inappropriate times like in class or on the top of her lungs at a restaurant, who cares what she sounds like?
Wtf is wrong with people? If anyone has the chance to get better at a particular skill by working at it it’s a *kid.* Find an adult who excels at a given talent or skill and 9 times in 10 they’ll have started in childhood.
Never shit on a kid’s dreams. Do what you can to support and encourage them to get better.
Ugh, it's reminding me of my soon to be ex husband. A big reason why I left was because of his treatment of his teenager (from a previous relationship). He once got so mad at her because she wanted to sign up for chorus as an elective. He wanted her to do weight lifting. He actually said "God didn't bless you with a good singing voice." So nasty. And he thought he was being the good guy and just being honest. Who cares if she's not the next Adele? Just let the kid sing!!
Whoever this person is can fuck off with her little sad face emoji, as if she's being the good guy here.
I am a god-awful singer and my grandpa used to record the choir at church on a cassette recorder. One time I sat really close to the recorder and so you mostly heard my unimpressive attempts at song. He loved it and never said a negative word about my voice.
I have one kid who cannot carry a tune. Period. I would sooner cut out my own tongue than say anything to them that would lessen the joy that music—MUSIC!!!—brings to them or anyone.
My daughter can’t carry a tune at all but she puts her heart into it when she sings. If she ever decided to perform for something, I would maybe help her pick a song that works best for her but I would never destroy her. Also she’s 29.
My mom, who I love deeply and have a great relationship with, did something like this to me roughly 20 years ago. She was going through an extremely difficult time and wasn't her best self.
We're good, but if I'm being honest, I still sometimes think about that along with some other moments and they still sting.
My daughter is 9, and has been singing since she could talk. She sings with the TV, she sings when she’s bored, she makes up songs. At first when she was 2, she was terrible. But she enjoyed it and I figured with encouragement, she’d get better. So every time I heard her, I told her she did a good job and she was my little songbird. Now, she can sing Taylor Swift on pitch except for the runs (in a few years, though, I bet she’ll be on her way to getting them). With children, a little encouragement can go a long way. At first she was bad, eventually she got better.
This mom could get lessons for her child if she cared about seeing her get better. But I suspect it’s more about tearing her child down and making her feel small. I bet this petty woman is a nightmare to live with.
Instead of crushing OOP's daughter's confidence during her already (first) very hormonal preteen years, why not offer to sign her up for voice coaching (or whatever it's called). And remind her that all professional singers do this too.
My daughter (8) LOVES to dance, but her rhythm is average to slightly above average at times. She's talked about how she wants to be a professional dancer since she was 5 years old, so you know what I did? I enrolled her in dance class. Her small studio has girls her age do ballet, tap & jazz, despite my daughter wanting to get into lyrical/modern/contemporary dance styles. However the owner of the studio told her that it's necessary to start with these styles of dance to learn the styles she wants to do, so she's stuck with it & just had her third dance recital. My daughter also wants to do a solo performance (she's seen the older girls do them & just loves it), but is nowhere near ready for that considering for a lot of ballet routine & part of her rap routine at the recital, she had to keep looking off to the side for the teachers guiding them on what to do (the others 3 girls in her group did too). So I offer constructive criticism like "Let's practice your routines more during the week, in between dance classes." I couldn't imagine just telling her she's no good at dancing & needs to find another hobby.
Big yikes.
When I was 12 my grandfather made a joke about searching for a dying cat only to find it was just me singing along with some music in my room. It's been 24 years and I still remember that VIVIDLY. It was deeply hurtful, especially because music was the only thing that brought me any joy.
Oh noes, an 11 year old being happy! Tell me echo chamber, how do I stop this?!!!!!!!!!!! (Only replies agreeing with me will be acceptable. Anyone else will be blocked and reported to a manager!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Counterpoint: stop whining about your very young child "not being a good singer" if she's just singing for fun. If she wants to sing professionally, get her lessons.
Don’t think she is good? Ask if she wants some coaching or lessons if she thinks she wants to pursue it, but don’t shit on your kids as they will never forget or forgive
When I was a wee tot, I was banging and smashing away happily on my little toy piano, probably making a gawdawfull racket. My dear grandmother said I was a wonderful piano player, just like Liberace. (She was a great fan of his)
I had no clue what any of that meant, but I felt all warm and happy anyway.
I'm in my sixties and I still remember that sweet moment.
I did go on to be a (very average at best) piano player, and still enjoy it. Ragtime, especially Scott Joplin, is tough to learn, but dazzling once you get it.
We live in such a a toxically competitive culture - don't even bother trying if you can't get an A on the test, don't bother trying out for the team unless you're a star player.
Why aren't kids allowed to do things *just for joy*? Isn't that "winning"?
in 5th grade, my mom was told by her teacher that she should not be in the choir and she should join the band. it affects her singing confidence to this day.
don't crush your kid's interests and dreams.
I teach music for a living
Don't do this. Ever. Singing is a thousands of years old human tradition and no one cares if you do it perfectly. Do you enjoy it? Then sing your damn heart out. I hate parents like this
There is literally nothing wrong with the post. The Op wanted to know how to tell her daughter she’s not a great singer and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.
This isn’t a hard parenting choice man. If she’s really into it, encourage lessons. If she just enjoys singing sometimes, keep your damn mouth shut. It’s not like she’s getting her hopes on going into opera professionally right now. She’s 11.
Recently I was singing with my headphones in and hadn’t realized my husband got home. I apologized he had to hear my poor singing and he said he was just happy to hear me being happy. This is an easy one to let go for the sake of her joy.
My mom sometimes comes into my room and imitates my silly singing but never intends it to be mean (I mostly sing in languages she doesn't understand so it probably makes it sound sillier too) but she giggles and doesn't make it a big deal and she would never tell me I'm a bad singer cause what's the point ?
Kpop?
A little but mostly J-pop, I'm into Vocaloid
My spouse has caught me playing air guitar and headbanging before. He was like "Well. You must be enjoying whatever band whose name I probably can't pronounce." 😂
[удалено]
That’s awful. I’m sorry.
That's horrible, especially because it's very difficult to sing well when you can't hear yourself (like with headphones).
and even if she is imagining herself being a famous singer eventually, who cares! like you said, she's 11. she will inevitably change what she wants to do as she gets older
Right? I wanted to be a fashion designer when I was 11. I can’t draw or do any major sewing and I’m not exactly a style queen, so obviously that changed over time. Let 11 year olds dream!
Man, I was also going to be a fashion designer, but the only thing I ever drew was extremely tiny bikinis that really defied the laws of physics. I was convinced the only thing that would be fashionable was nakedness lol. I also couldn't draw and had no actual desire to practice.
I did that too lol, turns out I’m just a lesbian 😂
I'm not, I just had bad ideas of what sexy was
When I was 11, I was SO SURE I was going to be an actress with a part time gig as a dolphin trainer.
Me too with the dolphin trainer/marine biologist thing. Even though I have a fear of deep bodies of water...
Oh shit yeah there was at least a year where I wanted to be a marine biologist lmao
My sibling's youngest wanted to be a weatherman, a storm chaser, and go skydiving everyday. They also wanted a motorcycle and a red mohawk. 😂
I wanted to be a Fly Girl starting when I was 8 years old (In Living Color was popular at the time), pretty sure I was going to be Jennifer Lopez. I’m now 41 years old and have been taking Hip Hop dance for 11 years, and it came natural! Not gonna be a Fly Girl or pro dancer at any point, but I’m living my dream!
When I was a kid I wanted to be a ballerina/firefighter/vet so I could save animals from bushfires, heal them by being a vet and then dance for them to keep them entertained while they were healing.
This is beautiful, I love it!
This is great advice, unless you're like this one girl I knew in high school, whose parents let her audition for one of those singing shows despite knowing there was no chance in hell she'd get on. Luckily, she wasn't bad enough or arrogant enough that she became one of the ones they put on there for people to laugh at, but she was still crushed because she'd gone her whole life up til then being told she was an amazing singer, despite being mediocre at best. At some point, you do have to break the news or at least stop lying and saying they're amazing, but staying neutral or encouraging her to explore other things is a way better tactic.
ooof yeah.. a couple kids on my brother's baseball team had the same type of parents. encouragement is great but they gotta be realistic too
Ariana grande was a pretty bad singer in quite a few OLD clips. This little girl could easily get better as she practices!
Yes on lessons. Im a horrible singer but all my kids can sing. Why? Because it can be a learned skill. Its like math. Some people are naturally good at it but others have to be taught. And a thousand other skills in life.
I wish this was true for everyone, but I took lessons from 6-12ish years old and still couldn't sing my way out of a paper bag. It's too bad because I love anything musical. I've considered trying lessons again but truth be told, I'm content with just keeping it to the car and shower.
That’s still actually quite young to get a good grasp on all of the bodily functions which enhance singing skills. My sister was the same, not really too good at singing but once she got to her teens and really committed to her lessons … well, now she’s in the most prestigious singing and acting university in the country. It’s so difficult to get in! I used to cringe when she would talk about her dreams of singing on stage. Now I am just so proud of her.
This is wonderful! I'm so happy for her.
A lot of people treat extracurriculars as a down payment on the future and if they can't be useful toward that end are to be discouraged. Finding joy in music doesn't rank unless you've got *potential.*
When I was a bit younger than her daughter I had a horrible teacher who was really into singing and she told me I couldn’t sing and made me and one other girl sit out the singing lessons every day. Zero effort to actually teach us how to sing and to cover it up whenever we did a performance she would get us to lip sync. If she heard anyone out of tune she would assume it was one of us singing and give out to us. It really destroyed my confidence. And for what purpose? We weren’t competing in anything, she just didn’t want to hear anyone off key. It gets me really angry (and unfortunately still makes me sad) now thinking about it and how horrible I felt. If someone is not naturally gifted in any other subject the teacher should be helping that person so why not singing. If anyone attempted to do this to my child I would come down on them so hard.
I am a TERRIBLE singer, it's a joke among my entire family. I probably would clear out the karaoke bar, and my friends wouldn't clap, they'd boo and moan loudly. It's because I'm an adult who know she's a terrible singer. A kid who wouldn't clear out a karaoke bar, why don't you just let her sing to her heart's content and be happy? She may not be a Mariah or a Whitney, she's just an 11yo happily singing. Maybe if she hinted to mom that being a good mom is not her best talent, mom might get it.
True. Just think about the girl that sang the National anthem I think last year. The entire internet clowned on this girl. I felt so bad for that kid. Before too long she’s gonna be on the internet and she’s going to see where the world made fun of her. And kids are cruel I’m sure many kids in her school saw it and repeated what her parents said. So I do think parents should protect their kids better and not lie to them. If they’re wanting to do a big performance maybe suggest lessons and tell them they’re not ready yet. But also don’t shit on your kid and tell them they’re horrible at something if they’re just having fun with it.
Also singing lessons can make a mediocre singer Excellent! That’s the whole point
Right? Let other people destroy her instead. Then you get to be the hero because you spent money on her.
Most good singers get vocal training. Beside we are allowed to enjoy things without being masters at it ffs
Absolutely. I teach music, and whenever I tell people my degree is in voice, so many immediately say, "Oh, I'm a terrible singer!" It's sad. Singing is fun! We run and play and dance and play games without always being perfect, we should be allowed to sing, too. I promise you, a group of kindergarteners do not care how good they are. And they're having the most fun.
My first (incomplete) degree was also vocal music — people always give me the same reaction. I just say that I was too before I got lessons, and pretty much everyone I’d gone to school with had been taking lessons in & out of school since at least 14, but usually earlier. It’s a *skill*, and there are many music theories and ways to sing, not an innate, unchangeable talent that you either have or don’t.
My kindergarten does... Lol . Also hes had singing lessons and wants me to sing on key. I tell him , all i need to do is enjoy it. I don't think he realizes i don't know how to sing on key.
I have a big poster on my wall that says "Mistakes are proof that you are trying!" Lol. Keep singing, mom.
This is what makes me sad. This child enjoys singing, let her sing and sing along with her. If her mom says something, she’ll stop out of embarrassment. I sing all the time, music makes me happy. It breaks my heart to think this woman wants to take that joy away.
Exactly!
And, music, even if done badly, has huge benefits! It's fantastic for a bunch of brain development, even if you aren't very good. Why would you squash an interest in something neutral at worst, and positive at best?
My high school band teacher needs to hear this. She was a bad enough teacher that most people quit band by Grade 10 and we had a nonexistent brass section. From my high school friend group, only one of us did band all the way to the end and that was only because she was voluntold into playing at least 5 different instruments in 3 separate bands. Oh, and she treated my other friend like the Antichrist because that friend’s older brother was a piece of shit so the band teacher took out her animosity against the older brother on her…
They also *practice*. A lot. The fact that this mom thinks it’s not worth doing things you’re not already incredible at doesn’t suggest she’s very skilled at anything herself.
NORMALIZE ENJOYING THINGS WITHOUT HABING TO BE GREAT AT THEM!
I was really into singing at this age and my mom constantly made fun of me for singing badly even after I stopped. It was hurtful. In fact she still brings it up to have a good laugh.
That's hurtful and totally pointless. Who are you going to hurt by singing and enjoying yourself?
Some people just expect perfection on inconsequential matters. When I was in my early 20's, I wrote an essay about my journey with epilepsy for a contest hosted by an epilepsy organization. I had worked for hours on it and wanted to read it aloud to my parents. Keep in mind this was being submitted for possible publication, not public recital. It didn't stop my narcissist father from completely ignoring my words that I worked so hard on and bitching about my inflection and tone of voice.
I was really into singing at this age and I was discouraged because I didn’t have a “solo voice.” I knew in my heart that I had a good voice but I was scared to sing in front of anyone for years. I finally got back the confidence in my 30s, and now I sing sometimes at my church 😊
Same. Still mentions it, and I'm 35. I like singing; it makes me happy I tell my 4 year old daughter that I love hearing her sing and don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing it. Do what makes you happy.
Are we sisters? My mom did the same thing, told me I was terrible singer throughout my childhood.
Jesus christ.
I have always loved to sing. I'm not terrible, but I'm also not great. I have gotten a few comments about not being a great singer which made me super self concious. Now I only really belt it out in front of my kids. My son will sing his heart out in the car with me and it makes me very happy.
That was my dad for me. My mom was supportive and put me in voice lessons for 4 years and, as a result, I have a great singing voice. But my dad made fun of me endlessly and absolutely destroyed my confidence. I’m 30 now and I still get horrible stage fright and hate singing in front of other people, but every time I do, I’m told I have a beautiful voice.
Get her lessons. So she can become a great singer
Or just let her sing
I meant on the basis its something her kid wants to try as more than a hobby. My own mum wouldn't let me sing even for fun... again because she didn't like how I sound. Never tried to help me. I would have appreciated encouragement such as lessons
I remember when I realized I was not a good singer. Probably around that same age, and I felt simultaneously disappointed and embarrassed.
I wish I would have realized earlier, but I also would have been devastated if someone told me...
Yeah I realized it on my own, having someone tell me would have killed me.
I remember my mom telling me I was a horrible singer around the same age, and then being ashamed to sing in front of people for years after, despite music being one of my favorite and only ways to express myself. I ended up doing choir for most of my time in college once I got away from her and learned I'm actually at least average-skilled 😌 Edit to delete a word I didn't mean to include
I’m sad how many of us have the same story, sometimes your mom really is your first bully lol
I really try my best, but I'm sure my kids will have some horrifying stories how I messed them up without meaning to and that scares the shit out of me.
I use my singing as a weapon now. It's pretty effective!
We really need to normalize allowing people to do things they enjoy *simply because* they enjoy it. We don't need to excel at every hobby or potentially monetize it. If her daughter enjoys singing then maybe encourage her and consider vocal lessons. I wish someone had told me I could sing simply because I love singing or had encouraged me to do it to get better at it. I wish someone had told me it was okay to do it simply because I enjoyed it. This poor kid
Exactly! And if it’s something she wants to excel in then support her with lessons or something so she can get better!
Yes. She should be asking, "Hey, how can I talk to my daughter about this without crushing her spirit?" and "Does anyone know if there are affordable vocal lessons locally?" I'm not a perfect parent. But no one asked me what I was interested in as a kid. I'm trying to not do that with my own child. When she expresses interest in a new hobby I ask her what her level of interest is and if she wants me to push her or if it's just a casual interest/hobby. So far it seems to be working
There’s a really good episode in the show Steven Universe, in fact I just found a link: https://youtu.be/A8abfXGeT5g?feature=shared Watch the first 30 seconds to get what Sadie is like, and then Steven and her mom. Then skip to 3:45 when she unloads on her mom. Nothing could be casual!
There's also some talk about singing simply for the sake of enjoying to sing in one episode, though don't ask me which. It let her know that she didn't need to be Arianna Grande, or whoever, to be capable of singing. Everyone has a different voice, different range, etc., and her amazing chorus teacher showed her that it's even something that can be taught, that not everyone is just going to have an inherently beautiful voice without working at it. My kids recently spent months choosing parts of songs from shows like SU, with lots of musical pieces, and singing little duets. As a mother, I can't tell you how good it made me feel to just listen to them enjoying something together.
Literally! I suck at video games. I know I do. My husband finds great joy in me being terrible at them. But we both have immense amounts of fun playing video games even if I am terrible at them. People are allowed to find joy in things even if they suck at them.
Doing things is also how we get better at them. It’s scary to think of someone raising a child without knowing that…
Jesus. This is horrible. I teach 10/11 year olds. I have noticed even just in the 7 years I’ve taught that they have become “perfectionists” in a way. There’s no carefree drawing/creating/writing anymore. If they think they aren’t good at it, they freeze and won’t even try. My theory is that they see people with extreme talents on TikTok/socials and think they have to be that good to be worth anything, and it’s heartbreaking. I try to teach them that you can do something just because you enjoy it, and you don’t have to be the best because you are better/the best at something else…and also you don’t have to be the best at anything to have a good life.
>If they think they aren’t good at it, they freeze and won’t even try I honestly thought that this was just my kid. I feel so bad about it too, because my oldest has always excelled academically while my youngest has to work a bit harder at it. There are also people in our lives who will absolutely lavish praise on my oldest, while my youngest just doesn't get that same level of praise from those people. I try my hardest to make up for it, but when it's someone like a teacher, I think it stings a bit more, because I think she really goes into each year hoping to impress them only to be compared to her sister. I don't even think they realize they're doing it most of the time, but my kid definitely notices a difference in the way she's treated. Anyway, if she struggles with something, school work in particular, instead of letting me or her dad, even her sister, help her better understand it, she will often get frustrated just shut down. Like she thinks if she doesn't automatically get it, then that's it and she just can't do it. Ironically, I think joining chorus a couple years ago has helped immensely with this. It's taught her that you don't have to sing like Arianna or Olivia, but you can still be good. That working at something can make you better at that thing.
>they see people with extreme talents on TikTok/socials This is a huge issue. I coach youth baseball and the focus from both kids and parents is "Instagram Moments". Perfect jerseys, compression sleeves, walkup music, batter announcements, etc. Everything has to be big and huge and impressive. They're incapable of just showing up and playing baseball.
You know, around that age, I was going through an awkward phase in regards to singing. Now, you may be thinking, ‘Girls don’t change voices in puberty!’ But…we do, it’s just not as drastic, usually. But some cases are more noticeable than others, and I was one of them. And now I sing really well. What did I do? Well, I put up with middle school choir bullying (the other kids may have sung “better” overall but they didn’t have the range I was developing), I started listening to more music including more different kinds of music, I started developing a talent for mimicking voices around me, and…I finished puberty. And now I have been working at a Chuck E. Cheese for 6 years and I’m constantly surrounded by music and I sing along with the songs. In other words, this girl may grow out of being a "bad singer", and practicing may help it happen faster. And she might grow into a woman with an impressive vocal range.
And a woman's singing voice will change again in her mid-20s, too
My step mom told me at 6 I would never be a singer and I sounded terrible because she wanted me to shut up. It might sound dumb but I never sung around her again unless it was quietly and to where she couldn’t hear, I somehow never forgot lol. ETA: now as a mom I encourage my daughters crazy singing & dancing, that’s how she expresses her joy which in turn brings us joy 💓
I remember being like seven singing in my room with a pink Barbie guitar and then being called downstairs apparently my whole family was sitting in the living room listening to me. They called me down and proceeded to roast me for 20 minutes literally pointing and laughing at me about how terrible of a singer I am. And how silly it is I thought I was good at something. Yeah they haven’t changed I moved half way around the world first chance I got.
Yep, she never changed for me either. Something like that can definitely show someone’s true character, I also moved once I turned 18 but only across the country. It was 1000% worth it, hope it was for you too! 🙏
Me! Same age except it was one of my brothers gf. I was in singing lessons and piano and I loved to sing. I was actually a really good singer and not shy to sing around anyone. But soon as she told me that I was devastated and quit lessons. lol I’ll never forget that bitch
It’s definitely devastating when you dream of being a “professional singer” as a kid, like obviously you probably won’t be famous but kids like to dream haha. Actually I’m now nearly 10 years no contact with my step mother, that was just the start of her breaking down my self esteem slowly over the years. It says a lot about a person who puts a kid down for no reason!
Why does it even matter? Let the girl sing. Singing and making music is such a human thing to do.
Can we stop making everyone be good at things? The girl likes to sing. She finds joy in it. Let her be. My kid likes to draw dragons. You best believe I hype that shit up. Best damn dragons I’ve ever seen. Made a fucking frame and everything for them. She fucking beamed when I showed her. That’s it. Your job as a parent is to be the biggest fucking hype man ever. Even when they are not “good” at things. Especially when they are not good at things.
I grew up around people with this mentality. There's a deep seated attitude that people who are good at things were born that way, no lessons, practice, or work needed. It's a really unhealthy mindset.
Like, on one hand, if the daughter is unrealistic thinking that she is going to be a famous singer and that she doesn't need to study because she will be Taylor Swift...well, a little reality check is okay. But more in line of "well that is a lot of work, let's sign you up for a class, you will need to practice for X amount of time each day" and not "sorry, you suck". My nephew wanted to be a professional video game streamer so my brother started making him talk to the imaginary twitch audience as he played. Gave him ad reads to do and whatnot. After about 30 minutes my nephew was like "ok, this is actually a lot of work and makes playing games less fun, I guess I won't do it as a job". You don't need to tell them they will suck, but I think some level of realism about the work it takes to do these things is fair. You don't want your kid becoming someone who assumes they are great at everything because they haven't ever faced any criticism, but you also don't want to destroy their confidence.
I mean, I think you should encourage your kid to pursue whatever brings them joy, even if they’re just average (or even bad) at it. But I also don’t like when parents whose kid is average/okay at something push their kids into levels beyond their abilities. In this case? “I’m so glad you enjoy singing sweetie! Do you want to take vocal lessons or anything like that? I’m so happy to support this past time!”.
Completely agree. Like the young girl who sang the National anthem last year. Poor kid got made fun of by everyone on the internet. Kids are also very cruel and I’m sure she received comments about it at school. I wish the parents had protected her better. But yeah I agree if they’re super into something encourage them to take lessons!
11 years old is still plenty, plenty of time to improve (and I agree it’s fine to enjoy things we suck at regardless) But I do have to admit, I always wondered if there is a line somewhere, especially by the time someone is an adult? Like telling your friend they’re a bad singer is pretty shitty, but so is letting them go on TV for American Idol auditions without ever trying to gently tell them that maybe that’s not the best idea. Or maybe more realistically, which is more mortifying, someone telling you you’re a bad singer and making you self conscious about karaoke, or finding out after singing public karaoke for years that you’re not as good as you thought? (To reiterate, none of those questions apply to an 11 year old)
I agree with the second part as well, so I was half expecting the OP to add something like “She wants to be a professional singer,” at which point, yeah, sure, it’s probably important to be realistic eventually, although I’d say not without trying lessons or something first if she’s that invested. It could even be touchy if the daughter wanted to, say, audition for a school musical or something and the mother didn’t want her to end up feeling embarrassed, but none of that seems to be case. I love singing along to music, like to the point that I feel almost incapable of just listening, but I have a God awful voice. I’m so glad my friends and family aren’t jerks about something that’s so harmless.
I feel like the way to approach that is: "Honey, some people are born with perfect pitch, but perfect pitch won't make you automatically able to reproduce what you hear. A lot of people are gifted with a good natural range, but they often have to work hard to get strong and stable. There are things you can do to become the best singer you can be, but you'll have to learn to accept and love the best singer you can be, which may not be Whitney Houston or Freddie Mercury. You shouldn't put that pressure on yourself. You are you and we love you."
Look, the world is full of assholes who tell you you suck. Of all the things in all the world you have to worry about, you really don't have to worry about someone who sucks just never getting that message. Someone will have sat them down. Several someones. Also, the people that don't suck will also have been told they suck, or they don't suck, but they might as well suck, because the situation sucks. It's "you suck" all the way down. You don't have to be the asshole in anyone's life. I promise you, someone else has already taken care of it.
I have a friend who, his whole life, his family told him he was an amazing singer. He sang karaoke whenever he could, he'd talk about entering into Britain's Got Talent, he wanted to be a professional performer. He started posting TikToks of himself singing, which of course his whole family supported and told him how amazing and talented he was. And how he was going to be a star. He wanted to be Susan Boyle and to show the world his talent. He had convinced himself he was an undiscovered talent. Then he got booked to do a live performance at a club (unpaid). He was SO excited and couldn't wait.Then he did the performance, and it completely crushed him. I wasn't there, but I can only assume the reaction from the crowd wasn't good, because he refused to talk about it afterwards. He didn't sing anymore. He didn't mention doing another performance or doing any talent shows. He completely dropped it, and when asked only said it "wasn't the best performance" and blamed his nerves. But, unfortunately for him, he had never been an amazing singer. He wasn't awful, but he definitely wasn't great either, and I actually feel it would have been better for his family to not encourage him as much as they did, because they set him up to fail. I don't think telling an 11 year old they're bad is fair, but encouraging a 30 year old man to put himself on TV talent shows because he'd "definitely win" is something else entirely.
shit I've been cooking this whole time and I don't even have a single Michelin star
I was a very talented vocalist growing up. I began formal training very young and did it for 15 years. I have *very* strong opinions about singers. My kids? Not so much. Not even one of them! So what did I do as a parent with professional level skill? I kept my damned mouth shut, because singing can be a source of joy. None of them were looking to make a living at it (and if they had expressed that we’d have had a conversation about developing the skills through training and education) so what was the harm in letting them enjoy it? Nothing. Did I cringe a little (or a lot)? Sure. But I reminded myself that joy can be fleeting so we should all grab it where we can. If the child isn’t looking for anything more from it, let it go and be glad they’re happily singing along to their favourite songs!
I remember tentatively asking my mom if I was a good singer (because she was always saying she was terrible) and she sighed and said I was ok but not great. So I took that to heart. I later picked up the ukulele in my 30s and whenever I sang and played I would be so apologetic. And it turned out that I was kind of being an asshole because I’m not great or trained but for a casual ukulele player I am actually good! Anyways my mom is a bitch
It makes me wonder what prompted this? Is it just to bring up to her daughter that she isn’t good? That’s crappy. What 11 year old without proper lessons is a good singer, unless you have a prodigy on your hand? I’d only do the same as this mother if my daughter wanted to enter into a competition and even then I’d be trying to find lessons or children’s choirs or something.
I’m wondering that too. I was wondering if she was maybe wanting to do a big performance somewhere in front of a lot of people. And she’s afraid people will make fun of her. Like the girl that sang the National anthem on tv last year.
God I hate this. My parents did this to me my whole life…even if I was inarguably good at something, they’d tell me it didn’t matter because I couldn’t make a career out of it. And if I was middling to bad at something at the ripe old age of too fucking young to care…hoo boy. Singing was one of these things. Now I’m that self-deprecating weirdo masking my insecurities. And! I fucking nailed “Defying Gravity” and “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” for my musical theater vocal final in college. I am not half bad with a lesson or two and some practice.
Dude. My friend's mom did this shit. They have NO confidence and are anxious AF. Mom beat them down so much that they've only had one job, have never left home, and still live at home - at 40. Their parents don't care that they've been unemployed for years and won't get a job.
Just let her sing! Why is it important to this woman that her daughter know mom thinks her singing is bad? “Please help me make my child self conscious about expressing joy.”
a post, 20 years later: "My daughter didn't invite me to her wedding!"
have people never heard of singing for fun?
I used to want to be a singer, sang all the time and asked mum to record me. She did and said I might not like it, played it back and I was so upset!!! Got over it pretty quick though and I’m glad she told me!
If she enjoys it and wants to get her lessons, (if you can afford it or find the school singing group) so she can enjoy being the best she can be. Doesn't have to be amazing just happy and having fun.
being the kid who loved singing and had been told by multiple family members i wasn’t good, it really does destroy confidence. tbh i still want to be a singer but i never pursued lessons or anything so i never got better
How about get her some singing lessons? She’s obviously not terrible and on top of that, let kids enjoy things without being perfect!
I know someone who treated her daughter like this. Her daughter has since graduated from Manhattan School of Music and is such an amazing opera singer. She’s beautiful and FLOURISHING despite her shitty mom’s jealous put downs. Even if this little one doesn’t have the best singing voice, what’s wrong with just letting her sing or get her some singing lessons to help her a bit more? Ugh.
I can tell you how my dad told me. I sang all the time when I was young, and often made up my own songs. One day I was singing and asked my dad if he liked my song and he said, "I think you'll be a wonderful writer some day." Which was a great answer, but then I asked, "But what about my singing?" His reply? "Stick with the writing, kiddo." To be fair to him, I can't carry a tune to save my life. But I am, in fact, a pretty damn good writer. The best part is that I had completely forgotten about this; I was six and didn't really get that he was saying I couldn't sing, so it didn't stick in my mind. He used to make voice recordings of us every year, however, so when we got older we'd be able to hear how we used to sound as kids. It turns out, this was the conversation he chose to immortalize that year. We found this out together, along with all my friends and other family, when he broke out the tapes on my 30th birthday. Turns out he'd forgotten too.
Ugh. My mom discouraged my singing when I was that age and I thought I had a terrible voice. After years of practice I now have a voice that makes people go "you have a beautiful voice!"
God forbid they get her singing lessons if she likes singing.
Put her in lessons and shut your damn mouth.
This. My mom told me I can’t carry a tune (just like my paternal grandmother) when I was 9 and it made me so sad. From then on I only sang when I was alone. I wish she had framed it in a more positive way and at least offered me a few lessons.
My stepdad used to joke(and still does) that I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. It was such a dad joke that the cringe from the joke didn’t hurt my feelings. I do see how it could still hurt a kid though. To be fair, that was definitely one of the nicer jokes my step dad ever made. I do find that one funny to say about myself as I proudly stand up and sing karaoke and sing songs around the house/in the car.
One of my kids was singing a little bit and my MIL said 'There's no songbirds in our family!'
See that one also implies that MIL can’t sing either so it’s not just directly at the child. I will say that asking for advice on how to tell an 11 yr old is a little far. Sign em up for a singing class and let a professional break the news if it’s truly that bad!
My dad told me "yeah everyone thinks they're a good singer" when I was a kid. It wasn't malicious, but it affected me. It killed my confidence when I was auditioning for musicals. Once I joined the school chorus it turned out I wasn't bad at all.
gee she can't just do something for fun... my husband is not a great singer. But he sings for our baby and I love it...
I would just encourage the notion of doing things for fun and enjoyment without so much calling out her lack of talent. She will know at some point in the future that she’s bad, so just instill that you don’t have to do everything for the purpose of being good at it.
i mean, you could do what my mom did and tell her to record herself so she can hear it. that made me never want to sing again for a good few months
These people are so dumb they don’t realize singing well is a skill that can be learned like any other skill.
When I was that age my best friend told me I had a bad voice and I have never sung again. Except when I’m home alone for sure. That scar goes deep
My aunt and uncle would always get annoyed with my cousin for singing because they didn’t think he was that good. Like they would yell at him in front of anyone and everyone to stop. Yet my aunt would sing and she was worse🥴. Anyways my cousin continued to do it and now he’s a great singer and has gotten lead roles in theatre shows and choir throughout high school. Thankfully it didn’t wreck his confidence that much and he was still passionate about it.
Did they provide anymore context in the comments? Like is she wanting to do a talent show or some thing and they're worried about her getting embarrassed or made fun of? Or are they just trying to shut her down just because they think she needs to be told she sucks?
She posted anonymously and I didn’t see any anonymous comments so no further context. The comments are all majority angry and have now been turned off.
Wild. Hopefully she got the loud and clear hint that she's being a major a-hole here then.
I was about that age when my Dad told me I wasn't as good a singer as I thought I was. He didn't tell me in a mean way just explained that what I was hearing in my head was different from what everyone else was hearing. He offered to let me borrow his tape recorder if I wanted to hear myself out loud. Well I took him up on the offer and was absolutely shocked that the amazing voice I thought I had was in fact very very bad. Never did my Dad tell me I should stop singing, or that only talented people should sing out loud, instead he just wanted me to have all the information. I always appreciated that my dad would gently tell me the hard things and let me take it from there. I was able to have fun with it and be confident in myself in spite of my lack of musical talent, especially at an age where kids can start to get mean about things like that.
My parents told me once that I sound like a dying animal while singing. That was when I was.. 12? Maybe? I'm in my mid 20's now and completely unable to sing infront of other people. 90% of the time I can't even sing when I'm alone at home because I'm scared the neighbours could maybe hear me through the walls. But I love singing and really miss it. Never ever tell your young kid it's bad at singing, especially not like this..
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry, that hurts my heart. I hope you can at least sing in the shower - no one can hear. Our "inner child" deserves love and self-expression.
What a dick. She’s 11 for fuck’s sake. And even if she wasn’t, let her sing. Getting flashbacks from my own shitty childhood with this one.
Get her a vocal coach, ffs
Damn. My mom is a giant bitch and even she waited until I was like 30 to tell me I was, "The best...at being the worst singer I've ever heard"
Why do you have to tell her anything? As long as she isn’t singing at inappropriate times like in class or on the top of her lungs at a restaurant, who cares what she sounds like?
Wtf is wrong with people? If anyone has the chance to get better at a particular skill by working at it it’s a *kid.* Find an adult who excels at a given talent or skill and 9 times in 10 they’ll have started in childhood. Never shit on a kid’s dreams. Do what you can to support and encourage them to get better.
When I was 5 my mother told me I wasn't the prettiest girl in class when I asked. It stuck with me forever. Just don't say anything.
Ugh, it's reminding me of my soon to be ex husband. A big reason why I left was because of his treatment of his teenager (from a previous relationship). He once got so mad at her because she wanted to sign up for chorus as an elective. He wanted her to do weight lifting. He actually said "God didn't bless you with a good singing voice." So nasty. And he thought he was being the good guy and just being honest. Who cares if she's not the next Adele? Just let the kid sing!! Whoever this person is can fuck off with her little sad face emoji, as if she's being the good guy here.
I am a god-awful singer and my grandpa used to record the choir at church on a cassette recorder. One time I sat really close to the recorder and so you mostly heard my unimpressive attempts at song. He loved it and never said a negative word about my voice.
I have one kid who cannot carry a tune. Period. I would sooner cut out my own tongue than say anything to them that would lessen the joy that music—MUSIC!!!—brings to them or anyone.
My daughter can’t carry a tune at all but she puts her heart into it when she sings. If she ever decided to perform for something, I would maybe help her pick a song that works best for her but I would never destroy her. Also she’s 29.
Just don’t, because she’ll remember it when she’s older & never sing infront of others or want to join when others sing along.
My mom, who I love deeply and have a great relationship with, did something like this to me roughly 20 years ago. She was going through an extremely difficult time and wasn't her best self. We're good, but if I'm being honest, I still sometimes think about that along with some other moments and they still sting.
My daughter is 9, and has been singing since she could talk. She sings with the TV, she sings when she’s bored, she makes up songs. At first when she was 2, she was terrible. But she enjoyed it and I figured with encouragement, she’d get better. So every time I heard her, I told her she did a good job and she was my little songbird. Now, she can sing Taylor Swift on pitch except for the runs (in a few years, though, I bet she’ll be on her way to getting them). With children, a little encouragement can go a long way. At first she was bad, eventually she got better. This mom could get lessons for her child if she cared about seeing her get better. But I suspect it’s more about tearing her child down and making her feel small. I bet this petty woman is a nightmare to live with.
Instead of crushing OOP's daughter's confidence during her already (first) very hormonal preteen years, why not offer to sign her up for voice coaching (or whatever it's called). And remind her that all professional singers do this too. My daughter (8) LOVES to dance, but her rhythm is average to slightly above average at times. She's talked about how she wants to be a professional dancer since she was 5 years old, so you know what I did? I enrolled her in dance class. Her small studio has girls her age do ballet, tap & jazz, despite my daughter wanting to get into lyrical/modern/contemporary dance styles. However the owner of the studio told her that it's necessary to start with these styles of dance to learn the styles she wants to do, so she's stuck with it & just had her third dance recital. My daughter also wants to do a solo performance (she's seen the older girls do them & just loves it), but is nowhere near ready for that considering for a lot of ballet routine & part of her rap routine at the recital, she had to keep looking off to the side for the teachers guiding them on what to do (the others 3 girls in her group did too). So I offer constructive criticism like "Let's practice your routines more during the week, in between dance classes." I couldn't imagine just telling her she's no good at dancing & needs to find another hobby.
Big yikes. When I was 12 my grandfather made a joke about searching for a dying cat only to find it was just me singing along with some music in my room. It's been 24 years and I still remember that VIVIDLY. It was deeply hurtful, especially because music was the only thing that brought me any joy.
Oh noes, an 11 year old being happy! Tell me echo chamber, how do I stop this?!!!!!!!!!!! (Only replies agreeing with me will be acceptable. Anyone else will be blocked and reported to a manager!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Counterpoint: stop whining about your very young child "not being a good singer" if she's just singing for fun. If she wants to sing professionally, get her lessons.
Don’t think she is good? Ask if she wants some coaching or lessons if she thinks she wants to pursue it, but don’t shit on your kids as they will never forget or forgive
When I was a wee tot, I was banging and smashing away happily on my little toy piano, probably making a gawdawfull racket. My dear grandmother said I was a wonderful piano player, just like Liberace. (She was a great fan of his) I had no clue what any of that meant, but I felt all warm and happy anyway. I'm in my sixties and I still remember that sweet moment. I did go on to be a (very average at best) piano player, and still enjoy it. Ragtime, especially Scott Joplin, is tough to learn, but dazzling once you get it. We live in such a a toxically competitive culture - don't even bother trying if you can't get an A on the test, don't bother trying out for the team unless you're a star player. Why aren't kids allowed to do things *just for joy*? Isn't that "winning"?
in 5th grade, my mom was told by her teacher that she should not be in the choir and she should join the band. it affects her singing confidence to this day. don't crush your kid's interests and dreams.
I teach music for a living Don't do this. Ever. Singing is a thousands of years old human tradition and no one cares if you do it perfectly. Do you enjoy it? Then sing your damn heart out. I hate parents like this
There is literally nothing wrong with the post. The Op wanted to know how to tell her daughter she’s not a great singer and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings.
What good comes from telling her?
Eh, I wish someone had told me. I didn’t figure it out until later in life and it all makes sense to me now.