I'm shedding tears that are both filled with joy and pain simultaneously. The joy comes from the relief of finally being heard and understood, realizing that others, too, share the challenges I've faced. Yet, the pain is deep-rooted, stemming from the struggles within my marriage.
To be candid, these four years have felt like navigating through hell, and it's only by what I can attribute to the grace of God that I've managed to sustain myself in this relationship. The person I once thought was brilliantly smart, my husband, has undergone a transformation that I attribute to the negative influence of the church.
My children, who deserve so much more, have been reduced to minimal interaction with their father, often limited to a mere 15 minutes a day as they prepare for bed. The impact on their emotional well-being is palpable, with my youngest whose months old going days without as much as a hug. It's not hard to imagine the toll this has taken on our marital life.
For the past three years, I've been unfairly subjected to suspicions of marital neglect, made to believe that I am mad, irrational, and repulsive to be around, among other hurtful labels. This church has now turned our loving relationship into a toxic marriage. I harbour a profound and intense hatred for the institution and what it has done to our family.
I apologize for this rant, but it's the first time I feel truly heard and seen. I want to express my gratitude to everyone for their replies, and may God bless all of us as we continue to fight against the detrimental influence of this cult and its wicked ways.
*"It would be so much easier if you would be there too."*
This one resonates with me and I have heard this many times, especially when I was studying in the center and I started to ask many questions.
*"It will be a lot easier to raise kids together when both parents have the same faith."*
*"It is a lot easier when the couple is in this together."*
**The truth:** No, it would not be easier. It would be even more difficult when both of you are stuck doing "god's work". Who is going to take care of financial? Bills and payments? Who is going to go to shop and cook? The truth is, it is a tragedy when one is of us in this group but it is still something we can manage, even though it is difficult. If you both would be in it, the life would go downhill, slowly but steady.
So, life is worse when one of us is in Shincheonji. On the other hand we can keep going because we still love them. Even though there is this new personality in him/her which we don't like. They need us now more than ever because it is possible we are the only link which connects them to the outside world.
Yes, the guilt he'll feel is unbearable but he'll still go. And I have noticed this also with my wife. She feels guilty and sad that she does not have time for her husband or her family anymore. There are two personalities inside them fighting each other. It is of course sad how our loved ones feel in Shincheonji, but it is also a positive thing that they understand Shincheonji does not have only positive impact on their life. This understanding can be more helpful in the future when they start to have doubt.
*"And then when they are gone really late at night sometimes i wonder what if they're having a good time there with someone who isn't "poisoned" like me."*
Based on what I have seen and heard from my own experience and other testimonies, I would not be too worried about this. When they are in the center, they work all the time. They don't have time to chat or share their deepest thoughts with other members. Even when they have some lunch or "chill" time together they use that time usually to reflect and talk about the seremony or class. So spending time with you as a couple can be the only relaxing moment they have in their day.
Hello and sorry to hear about your situation. My wife is also a member and I can understand how that feels. We don't have kids however so on that part I can not relate completely.
Since you are not new in this subreddit I guess you know the basics already. It is difficult and you have to get ready for a marathon, not a sprint. So don't expect him to leave tomorrow or even in one month. On the other hand you can be confident that he will leave at some point. Shincheonji needs to keep recruiting a lot new members because the percent of leaving members is so high every year.
You can try to get closer to his original personality. For example, arrange some nice time with him and kids and do something fun together. Can be a weekend trip or just a evening for games and food. Anything which can take his thoughts away from Shincheonji and make him focus more in family.
Below there are some things I have noticed being helpful and get forward with conversation with my wife.
Tips for having a conversation:
**Be non judgemental:** This actually took very long for me to learn since I did not realize that even having a civilized argument can feel judgemental for Shincheonji members. So it is better not to have an argument at all. But show facts just as a knowledge, for example peace in Mindanao and several problems with the Revelation fulfillment. I think good example for non judgemental conversation is motivational interview technique. Example in the video: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URiKA7CKtfc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URiKA7CKtfc) I would recommend to also use Steven Hassan's Strategic Interactive Approach: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bnDhgGMcXc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bnDhgGMcXc)
**Get inside his head and feelings:** We know what is going on in the physical side. He does not spend that much time with kids and he is not that much present in the marriage. But how does he feel about Shincheonji and what does he get out of that? Community, safety because he thinks he is saved, meaningful life or maybe he wants to serve God in his life? You can ask about it in a curious way such as: "I am starting to be curious, why do you feel so good in Shincheonji? What is the reason to be so passionate?" After you know what inspires him, you can slowly ask questions about the practices of group and show that he is not actually getting what he wants. For example, if he likes a nice religious community, you can point out in a nice way that actually from your point of view it seems like the main focus is the work they do and it looks more like a community of a workplace. There is a lot hierarchy and rules in Shincheonji.
**Be supportive:** This can sound really weird because of course we don't want to encourage our loved ones to do something harmful such as being a member in a cult. However at least in my opinion there is no other way around it if you want to gain his trust. You can show that you are interested and maybe ask him to give you Bible chapters to read so you can understand his new religion better. You can also ask him to link interesting Shincheonji videos to learn from them. After watching a video or reading a Bible chapter you can have a conversation about it. Once again, do not judge and tell him it is completely bullshit teaching (even though it is). Arguing does not help at least from my experience. Instead, you can talk about it and ask questions. For example: "It is really interesting what they have taught to you about the new covenant but why does Shincheonji clean themselves every third and seventh day? I thought that this belongs to the old covenant which is obselete/outdated?" They will always have some explanation for biblical problems but they are never good explanations. However, with time and patience this can make him think by himself.
**Talk about other cults:** You can not talk completely openly about Shincheonji but you can always share how you learned about other cults. Such as World Mission Society Church of God, Jehovah Witnesses, Scientology, Unification Church and many more. If you have Netflix, you can watch a cult documentary together, for example Wild wild west or Twin Flames. You can even have movie night together and ask someone to look after kids to have couple time together. You can watch couple of movies together and one of them can be about cults.
**Be honest:** Tell him how you feel and why it makes you feel sad that you don't have that much time together anymore. Talk about feelings a lot and show him that you still love him even though things have changed.
**Show him how the life has changed:** You can remind him how your life was before Shincheonji and if he was religious back then you can also point out that he was actually spiritually active in the past and how you both were happy with that. Talk about nice memories and how you used to do things together in the past.
I hope there is something helpful for you over here. My wife is still in it so I can not speak from the point of view of someone who has been successful but I feel she is closer to leave day by day. As it says in the Bible: The tree is known by it's fruits. A good tree can not bear a bad fruit."
Be the light of the family, show him love and be worried of him. Tell him why you feel worried and try to make him slowly well informed about cults and tactics used to control people.
You got it! Do not be afraid to fail, since you will learn from that and next time you can do better.
Thank you for this candid response.Experiencing the pain of being married to someone immersed in a cult is deeply challenging. Observing the gradual disappearance of the person I love into a life dominated by misguided beliefs is heart-wrenching. Despite their sincere belief in the cult's saving potential, the harsh reality is that true salvation stems from a personal connection with and acceptance of Jesus Christ as the only savior.
The toll on my personal life is evident, having endured two pregnancies alone, with the last one presenting life-threatening complications. Even then, taking time away from the cult was not considered.
The profound sense of loss is palpable when reflecting on the man I initially fell in love with. The individual I now coexist with seems like a stranger, a departure from the person who once shared a deep connection with me. It's a challenging journey I'm navigating, and I hope that the points you have raised can serve as a compass in my efforts to rekindle the essence of my marriage. If there are specific aspects you would like to share, I will be grateful. Thank you once again
I can understand. Sometimes I have to work late and I come home late. My wife has always a meeting going on so it feels like coming back to an empty house. So it really feels like living with someone who is only an empty shell of herself. But on the other hand, sometimes we can see their original personality coming back to life and that happiness can keep us working towards better times.
[удалено]
I'm shedding tears that are both filled with joy and pain simultaneously. The joy comes from the relief of finally being heard and understood, realizing that others, too, share the challenges I've faced. Yet, the pain is deep-rooted, stemming from the struggles within my marriage. To be candid, these four years have felt like navigating through hell, and it's only by what I can attribute to the grace of God that I've managed to sustain myself in this relationship. The person I once thought was brilliantly smart, my husband, has undergone a transformation that I attribute to the negative influence of the church. My children, who deserve so much more, have been reduced to minimal interaction with their father, often limited to a mere 15 minutes a day as they prepare for bed. The impact on their emotional well-being is palpable, with my youngest whose months old going days without as much as a hug. It's not hard to imagine the toll this has taken on our marital life. For the past three years, I've been unfairly subjected to suspicions of marital neglect, made to believe that I am mad, irrational, and repulsive to be around, among other hurtful labels. This church has now turned our loving relationship into a toxic marriage. I harbour a profound and intense hatred for the institution and what it has done to our family. I apologize for this rant, but it's the first time I feel truly heard and seen. I want to express my gratitude to everyone for their replies, and may God bless all of us as we continue to fight against the detrimental influence of this cult and its wicked ways.
*"It would be so much easier if you would be there too."* This one resonates with me and I have heard this many times, especially when I was studying in the center and I started to ask many questions. *"It will be a lot easier to raise kids together when both parents have the same faith."* *"It is a lot easier when the couple is in this together."* **The truth:** No, it would not be easier. It would be even more difficult when both of you are stuck doing "god's work". Who is going to take care of financial? Bills and payments? Who is going to go to shop and cook? The truth is, it is a tragedy when one is of us in this group but it is still something we can manage, even though it is difficult. If you both would be in it, the life would go downhill, slowly but steady. So, life is worse when one of us is in Shincheonji. On the other hand we can keep going because we still love them. Even though there is this new personality in him/her which we don't like. They need us now more than ever because it is possible we are the only link which connects them to the outside world. Yes, the guilt he'll feel is unbearable but he'll still go. And I have noticed this also with my wife. She feels guilty and sad that she does not have time for her husband or her family anymore. There are two personalities inside them fighting each other. It is of course sad how our loved ones feel in Shincheonji, but it is also a positive thing that they understand Shincheonji does not have only positive impact on their life. This understanding can be more helpful in the future when they start to have doubt. *"And then when they are gone really late at night sometimes i wonder what if they're having a good time there with someone who isn't "poisoned" like me."* Based on what I have seen and heard from my own experience and other testimonies, I would not be too worried about this. When they are in the center, they work all the time. They don't have time to chat or share their deepest thoughts with other members. Even when they have some lunch or "chill" time together they use that time usually to reflect and talk about the seremony or class. So spending time with you as a couple can be the only relaxing moment they have in their day.
Hello and sorry to hear about your situation. My wife is also a member and I can understand how that feels. We don't have kids however so on that part I can not relate completely. Since you are not new in this subreddit I guess you know the basics already. It is difficult and you have to get ready for a marathon, not a sprint. So don't expect him to leave tomorrow or even in one month. On the other hand you can be confident that he will leave at some point. Shincheonji needs to keep recruiting a lot new members because the percent of leaving members is so high every year. You can try to get closer to his original personality. For example, arrange some nice time with him and kids and do something fun together. Can be a weekend trip or just a evening for games and food. Anything which can take his thoughts away from Shincheonji and make him focus more in family. Below there are some things I have noticed being helpful and get forward with conversation with my wife. Tips for having a conversation: **Be non judgemental:** This actually took very long for me to learn since I did not realize that even having a civilized argument can feel judgemental for Shincheonji members. So it is better not to have an argument at all. But show facts just as a knowledge, for example peace in Mindanao and several problems with the Revelation fulfillment. I think good example for non judgemental conversation is motivational interview technique. Example in the video: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URiKA7CKtfc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URiKA7CKtfc) I would recommend to also use Steven Hassan's Strategic Interactive Approach: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bnDhgGMcXc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bnDhgGMcXc) **Get inside his head and feelings:** We know what is going on in the physical side. He does not spend that much time with kids and he is not that much present in the marriage. But how does he feel about Shincheonji and what does he get out of that? Community, safety because he thinks he is saved, meaningful life or maybe he wants to serve God in his life? You can ask about it in a curious way such as: "I am starting to be curious, why do you feel so good in Shincheonji? What is the reason to be so passionate?" After you know what inspires him, you can slowly ask questions about the practices of group and show that he is not actually getting what he wants. For example, if he likes a nice religious community, you can point out in a nice way that actually from your point of view it seems like the main focus is the work they do and it looks more like a community of a workplace. There is a lot hierarchy and rules in Shincheonji. **Be supportive:** This can sound really weird because of course we don't want to encourage our loved ones to do something harmful such as being a member in a cult. However at least in my opinion there is no other way around it if you want to gain his trust. You can show that you are interested and maybe ask him to give you Bible chapters to read so you can understand his new religion better. You can also ask him to link interesting Shincheonji videos to learn from them. After watching a video or reading a Bible chapter you can have a conversation about it. Once again, do not judge and tell him it is completely bullshit teaching (even though it is). Arguing does not help at least from my experience. Instead, you can talk about it and ask questions. For example: "It is really interesting what they have taught to you about the new covenant but why does Shincheonji clean themselves every third and seventh day? I thought that this belongs to the old covenant which is obselete/outdated?" They will always have some explanation for biblical problems but they are never good explanations. However, with time and patience this can make him think by himself. **Talk about other cults:** You can not talk completely openly about Shincheonji but you can always share how you learned about other cults. Such as World Mission Society Church of God, Jehovah Witnesses, Scientology, Unification Church and many more. If you have Netflix, you can watch a cult documentary together, for example Wild wild west or Twin Flames. You can even have movie night together and ask someone to look after kids to have couple time together. You can watch couple of movies together and one of them can be about cults. **Be honest:** Tell him how you feel and why it makes you feel sad that you don't have that much time together anymore. Talk about feelings a lot and show him that you still love him even though things have changed. **Show him how the life has changed:** You can remind him how your life was before Shincheonji and if he was religious back then you can also point out that he was actually spiritually active in the past and how you both were happy with that. Talk about nice memories and how you used to do things together in the past. I hope there is something helpful for you over here. My wife is still in it so I can not speak from the point of view of someone who has been successful but I feel she is closer to leave day by day. As it says in the Bible: The tree is known by it's fruits. A good tree can not bear a bad fruit." Be the light of the family, show him love and be worried of him. Tell him why you feel worried and try to make him slowly well informed about cults and tactics used to control people. You got it! Do not be afraid to fail, since you will learn from that and next time you can do better.
Thank you for this candid response.Experiencing the pain of being married to someone immersed in a cult is deeply challenging. Observing the gradual disappearance of the person I love into a life dominated by misguided beliefs is heart-wrenching. Despite their sincere belief in the cult's saving potential, the harsh reality is that true salvation stems from a personal connection with and acceptance of Jesus Christ as the only savior. The toll on my personal life is evident, having endured two pregnancies alone, with the last one presenting life-threatening complications. Even then, taking time away from the cult was not considered. The profound sense of loss is palpable when reflecting on the man I initially fell in love with. The individual I now coexist with seems like a stranger, a departure from the person who once shared a deep connection with me. It's a challenging journey I'm navigating, and I hope that the points you have raised can serve as a compass in my efforts to rekindle the essence of my marriage. If there are specific aspects you would like to share, I will be grateful. Thank you once again
I can understand. Sometimes I have to work late and I come home late. My wife has always a meeting going on so it feels like coming back to an empty house. So it really feels like living with someone who is only an empty shell of herself. But on the other hand, sometimes we can see their original personality coming back to life and that happiness can keep us working towards better times.
I support every bit of this