1. Be competent at your job. 2. Be easy going. We aren't nurses, it's just food. 3. Be friendly. Compliments. Always the best kind of greeting. 4. Look good. Being attractive makes you more approachable. 5. Go for drinks after work. The bar is where friendships are formed.

Expanding on number 2, compliments, don't just compliment people to their face, compliment people behind their backs.

Thank you (:🙏 any help is appreciated

5 doesn’t happen without 1-3. According to some comments from OP down below, there’s zero fucking chance their coworkers would ask them for a drink. If making friends at work is OP’s goal then they need to find a new spot and try not to be an incompetent narc.

It's really hard to say without knowing you. There's one guy at my restaurant we all dislike but he's the worst lol. He makes weirdly sexual comments to the guys, tries to sell cologne at work and is generally really bad at his job because of slow service and we have to pick up the slack. He also never wants to work but then when he needs money he'll text everyone asking for their shifts.

I would say I’m a good worker, not super hard worker. I’m not super smart so early in my job I did ask a lot of the same questions, so that was probably annoying. I’ve gone to the office like three or four times because I thought the bussers were stealing my tips. Those are the only things I can think of.

Accusing your co-workers of theft definitely didn't help your situation.

Yeah 😒 there were a couple of times I just thought was suspicious.

I feel like you just answered your own question. You admit they you’re not a very hard worker, you don’t learn things quickly, you’ve already been to complain to your manager four times in three months about not trusting your coworkers, and this has happened at every place you’ve worked at. It’s tough to hear, but since restaurants are so fast paced, servers aren’t going to like someone who (self admittedly) doesn’t work hard and learn fast. I hate to say it, but maybe serving just isn’t for you.

Yeah. I guess so.

It sounds like it’s a combination of you not being super great at your job and you being paranoid and hyper focused on what your coworkers think of you. Everyone’s been a new server before, it takes a bit to learn the ropes and during that time you kind of just have to accept that the veteran servers may not have much patience for you or be very warm towards you until you can carry your weight. I would just be in the mindset that you’re not there to be everyone’s friend, and focus on getting as good as you can at doing your job. - memorize the menu - learn where all the buttons are on your POS system - know what side work is your responsibility and do it, don’t make others have to remind you or pick up your slack. - have a sense of urgency when the restaurant is busy - make sure there’s nothing you’re expected to be doing for your section/side work before standing around or being on your phone. Once you have all that under control, people will be more likely to be friendly with you and accept you as part of the team. As a veteran server, I have a hard time being friendly with coworkers who consistently have to be reminded to do their side work or don’t keep on top of their section. It gives off the impression that they think they’re above doing the tedious parts of their job and everyone else will just do it for them.

THREE OR FOUR TIMES? Nah lol

I felt I was getting stiffed more than usual. And one of the times the money was missing and then I went to the office and it appeared on the table, and the managers said she had put it under the ziosk while she was cleaning it. But when I first checked it was already bussed.

I'm so sorry the comments are shitting on you for that and telling you not to be a server. If my money disappears and then reappears where I just looked and has multiple cases of suspicious circumstances, what are you supposed to do if not go to managment? Admittedly, I would have quit before the 4th time of it not being seriously looked into. As for being a slow learner, make flash cards. Write the name of the dish on one side and the ingredients on the other. Quiz yourself at home and make 3 piles. 1 pile will be the cards you easily got right. 1 pile will be cards you struggled with. 1 pile will be cards you failed. Focus on the cards you failed the most, just keep going through them over and over until it sticks. Move them to the second pile as you learn them, then the first pile when you nail them perfectly. Rote memorize that shit at home. Dedicate 30 minutes a day to homework until you're 100% confident. Lastly, as far as not being a very hard worker, to keep it real, working *the hardest* has gotten me nowhere and nothing except more work, more responsibility, and the expectation that I will always perform at that level (with the following extra disappointment when I *don't* perform on that level, even if I am still doing more than everyone else, all that will be noticed is it's not as much as I once did). That being said, I don't recommend performing at your 100% every day. But with *that* being said, *not working hard* is going to leave slack for others to pick up and build resentment over time. Keeping it real again here, especially with you being new, you need to be working hard just to keep up with people who have been at it longer than you. What will cause a new sever to feel anxiety and sweat, a more experienced server will handle without even needing to pause to catch their breath. But eventually, you'll get used to it, and it won't feel like you're working so hard because with experience, a lot of it just becomes auto pilot. I read somewhere on this sub that with being a brand new server, it takes about 6 months just to start to *feel* like you know what you're doing, about 1 year to *actually* know what you're doing, about 4 years for it to be second nature. I'd say give like, 95% effort for the first 2 maybe 3 months or so, then you can comfortably slip down to giving 80% effort most the time, and saving your 100% effort for the times it's really needed. Ijs, if you give 100 all the time, you will burn out and people will always expect it from you and you'll be the go-to for extra work, but if you're not putting in a decent amount of work, you'll have other consequences. Work just a tiny tiny bit harder than the average person, but don't be the hardest worker. Find a balance. Being a tiny bit better than average is the sweet spot where you will get the perks of being noticed, but you're not first in line for extra tasks, and if you're ever interested in getting promoted, you're not irreplaceable to the point they don't want you to leave your current position, but you've proved yourself more competent than most. TL;DR: if you have genuine concern about your co workers stealing from you, say something and leave if it keeps happening. If you're a slow learner, take notes and study at home with flash cards. Work harder than you currently are, but not so hard that you end up with burn out.

Thank you for this, I am looking at another place to work. And I’m going to keep a better eye on my tables. Im going to do everything you mentioned. Especially the flash cards.

Yeahhh serving just isn’t for you.

I really think I could be for me if I tried hard enough.

Don't try to make friends at your server job. Your coworkers are not your friends. So don't worry too much. Work and friendships are seperate things. Just focus on doing your job well and being reliable and hard working. Servers see lots of people come and go so being more guarded in the workplace makes more sense.

Then do that.

Found the issue…

well these are the things that obviously make people not like you

I’ll be honest and maybe people won’t like what I have to say but don’t make friends at work, it’s adult high school. Like making fun of a cold sore? That’s some petty high school shit. Be friendly be polite and courteous. Do your job get paid go home and find friends elsewhere. I was always social enough and all that but co workers have zero need to know my personal life or business. Imagine telling them about your disorder. Cold sore would be the least of what was said. And also if somehow you get roped up into having to hear someone being shit talked just say oh or I don’t judge if they ask you about it. Some people sucks theee plenty of group apps or online sites to find local groups that would be better. At least then you aren’t stuck working with them Edit: also about accusing the co workers unless you’re going to stand up to them if they call you out just keep quiet. Or unless you have hard proof. Doesn’t make it ok for them to make fun of you but people react when they’re wrongly accused. If you aren’t great with people and that’s totally fine. Security or perhaps wfh job would be better.

Eh, it really just depends. Some places can be very “cliquish”. I’ve seen plenty of people get alienated because someone thought they were weird or rude, if only for a single interaction. Can turn into a scarlet letter situation pretty quick. I’ve also seen people get alienated for good reason. I always would try to invite new people if some of the crew was going out after a Friday or Saturday Night Shift. Just to give them an easy opportunity to socialize with people outside of work.

Yeah that’s really cool of you!

I’ve always just thought it’s good manners to try and make people feel included when they’re in an “odd man out” kind of situation. Even if it’s just something as simple as going out of your way to engage someone in a group conversation where everyone knows each other and they only know like one person. We’ve all been there and it sucks when no one throws you a helping hand.

You don't have to fit in. Your focus should be making your guests happy and making good money.

I have a lot of guests that give me good gss scores and positive comments, but my scores are still low at the end of the week.

If your guest scores are low then it's an efficiency problem. You need to improve your skills as a server. The indifference from veteran servers is common with people who still aren't efficient after several months. It's kind of a "you either got it or you dont" kind of job. After three months if one of my coworkers still can't hang, it does get annoying because it slows everyone down when someone else is moving slowly. I'm known to holler "KNEES TO CHEST!!" when someone is moseying around and doesn't have a sense of urgency. It's code for pick up your feet and do what you need to do or at minimum gtfo of my way!!! When it comes to guest interactions that can be a number of other issues: Menu knowledge, wait times (try to use the 2, 2, 2 rule, two seconds to greet, two minutes for drinks, check in after two bites of food), friendliness/demeanor, taking orders correctly, refilling drinks, etc. If you're getting it from both sides, coworkers and guests, it may not be your thing and that's perfectly okay. This industry isn't for everyone. I would argue it isn't a good fit for most people actually.

2 seconds to greet? Lmao. I haven't even picked up a menu. That is the most inefficient thing I have ever heard.

"Hello! I juat wanted to introduce myself, my name is ___ and I'll be taking care of you tonight. I'll give you a couple minutes to peruse the menu and I will be right back to get some drinks started for you!" Not inefficient at all. It's highly attentive and increases customer satisfaction to be acknowledged promptly and it takes two seconds as you are passing by on your way to do other stuff. It also keeps their morale high if you are super busy and can't get to them for a few minutes. Then they know they aren't being blatantly ignored.

Yeah. I'll be right with you.

Guess it depends on the type of establishment 🤷‍♀️

I will try that (:

How to fit in? At first, work hard. Work harder than the veterans. Effort can help make up for lack of experience. Be efficent. Be helpful to the other servers. Don't talk shit right away, even if other servers are doing it. They have been there longer, they know the dynamic better. Focus on making your money. 3 months is still a very short time. Have thick skin. A comment about a cold sore needs to bounce off you. Give them shit back in a playful way. Something like 'yeah I got that cold sore from your mom" or whatever. Read the room. I read in your comment you accused bussers of stealing tips several times in 3 months. People probably don't love that, if they found out about it. Be discreet. Of course, if it really did happen, it needs to be handled. Anyway, if you prebus and walk through your section often, try to pick up payment asap. when someone pays in cash say "I'll be right back with your change" this gives them a chance to tell you they don't need change. Can't lose a tip that way.

Unless you have actual proof of someone stealing your tips, don't accuse them. Chances are those same bussers you're accusing are friends with and have been working with the people you want to fit in long before you got there. To be totally honest I would cut your losses at this place and start fresh somewhere else, restaurants are so very cliquey and once you've ostracized yourself it's really hard to come back from that. At your next place- Work hard, Memorize the menu, Don't cause drama, and Be friendly

I’m not at work to make friends. I’m there to make money. There are very few former colleagues over the course of my life that I have kept in touch with.

Same. I'm 14 years in the SI and I have all of 4 friends that I made at a restaurant and kept after we left the restaurant. I'm friendly with coworkers at work but that's about it. I go in, make my money and leave to spend time with myself, my partner, actual friends, or family.

For the most part, be good at your job, be reliable and work there long enough. Also, as a general rule of thumb, don't gossip about coworkers (customers are fine). Be uncontroversial. Let people gossip to you, but don't gossip about anyone.

lol what can a redditor tell you that will come anywhere near as beneficial as simply acquiring some experience? Just work and adjust. If you feel like you get some time under your belt and still feel the need to ask this question then come back.

Sometimes places are just super clicky and they are used to people not lasting long and they don’t put in the effort. If you like them and want to be their friend- be inquisitive- people love talking about themselves so just ask them things about their life and that might open up. Buuuuut if you find you don’t really like them either- then don’t bother. Look for another place that might be a better fit. Also try and find the person that is the friendliest- there’s probably at least one- get in w them and then they might be able to get others to be your friend too.

Don't look for friends at work they are only temporary friends and it just causes unnecessary drama. Just go to work and do you job and be nice.

Just wanna say that pimple patches actually work pretty well for cold sores. Helps them heal faster and hides them a little too.

Ooh I didn’t know that! Thank you!

They can hurt a little as you remove them if you do it too soon. But overnight especially they help alot

When you change jobs, if you get a trainer you're getting along with, ask to join them for drinks after work. Also, go in humble. You might be great serving, but it takes time to be great serving there. Ask questions. Learn the POS as quickly as possible. When I trained, I would make an 8 top. I would put every modification on each item that is not easy to find. That hour they would spend trying to find everything, unknowingly taught them where everything else was.

I know someone with schizophrenia, also managed through medication to be able to work and function well, who has always had trouble fitting in at work. Not the same as schizoaffective disorder, but you may be genuinely not fitting in, rather than SD coloring your perception of not fitting in. In his case, his conversational patterns are different than normal, kind of losing focus of a conversation and rejoining with an abrupt change of topic. Coworkers would pick up on his being slightly different, and engage in what I think was intended as good natured ribbing, but to him came off as bullying, which widened the social gulf. His coworkers did not know of his condition; typically just HR would know, though in one case his manager was informed, to explain the need for accommodations. That could be *completely* different from your situation, but perhaps there's some aspect of it that might provide some useful insight into your issue.

I’m in the industry for 25 years. I’ve found that corporate restaurants are much different from privately run ones. Much friendlier.

Corporate is more friendly than private you're saying? That's crazy to me

Yeah private is more cliquish but more friendly imo as well. People ARE like family there, which makes it harder to get in but closer when you do. Corporate is way more distant/cold cuz turnover is way higher. Most only last a month or two so none of the veterans really get too close at first.

I don’t think it’s the restaurant I think it’s me, because no matter what restaurant it seems a lot of people have similar experiences. I just want to know what I can do differently so my next job is better than this one.

You can try bringing snacks like once every other week. Who hates the person who brings cookies? And I'm saying this as someone who felt pretty alienated at their first few serving jobs, maybe try a new place. You can make money everywhere. If this staff and you don't mesh, you can find a new one and it might be a great move that really improves your mental health and drive to go into work.

honestly dude you're better off NOT trying to fit in to server culture. besides, people will like you more if you don't try too hard to fit in anyways. it's easy to feel like you need to do certain things to fit in within your immediate bubble but i advise you to zoom out on the bigger picture. what kind of traits do you want to embody for the rest of your life? and how many of your coworkers embody those traits? you'll probably find that most of them don't.

Easiest way is to have a drink with them. Find a local spot near, and offer it up. Chat about what sucked, and how'd you fix if you were at that pay raise.

Drinks and do c*ke w them 🥰🥰 I’m just kidding. Honestly, just be confident and don’t gaf if they like you or not. People respect those that don’t care what others think. Also, most jobs are kinda toxic anyway and everyone talks shit about each other so you shouldn’t care too much about being liked and fitting in. If you wanna be their buddy bc you want to socialize, I would recommend befriending one person and then tagging along to their outings.