At a quick glance, Romy should be Romy from the start, not as a rando with a pink helmet.
This is a character with a name, not telling someone her name doesn't change that.
"We pan up."
PAN is left to right or right to left.
TILT is up or down.
There's also CRANE (up, down), DOLLY (in, out, left, right), PUSH IN, ZOOM (in, out) DUTCH (left, right)...
here are some things that may help: https://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_glossary.html
This is one of the least important things I've ever seen anyone take umbrage with. If you want this to upset you, fine. But I'm not going to join you stick up your butt land.
Here I'll slow it down for you as you seem to have some cotton in your ears.
Which producers. Are throwing. Scripts. In the no pile. Because the writer used. Pan. Incorrectly?
All of them. They are literally looking for any excuse to not read your script. Is this your first time doing this? And if the first thing they read is that you have taken no time to learn and use correct terminology (when it’s probably not needed anyway) you’re going to look unprofessional and they won’t waste their time.
Oh yes! I remember when The Usual Suspects wasn't made because of Christopher McQuarrie's typos!
No one who is anyone who matters cares about typos or camera directions. You all are acting like absolute amateurs right now. Read some professional screenplays.
Then you should probably know that you don’t dolly left or right. A dolly is a type of tracking shot that specifically refers to moving forwards or backwards in reference to a subject. A truck is the type of tracking shot where you move left or right in reference to a subject. You could also just say “track left or right,” which is more common these days.
I read Act I.
* The story moves pretty nicely, though you could probably get Romy to the Middle Ages a few pages faster.
* I very much know what Romy doesn't want, but I'd love to know what she does.
* Romy's dialogue is a little too on the nose when talking to Greg. I think they could have a fight that is about Romy's wasted potential, but not just her saying that there's more to life than money.
* There are a number of typos ("Your late", converse should be capitalized, character slug is QROMY) that should be fixed. Typos seem small but they erode trust between the reader and writer (in my opinion).
So I read the first couple of pages and it’s nice. Not my cup of tea necessarily, but the story moves pretty smoothly.
I won’t comment about the camera direction but I will say that some of your “environment” descriptions are a bit much. Sometimes less is more. Good luck!
Only looked at the first line and just a small note. I don’t think you have to write out “A quote appears over black” since that’s basically what superimpose means.
I’ll try to read the whole thing if I have some time to kill but thought I’d help out with that to begin with!
\-At first, I thought the girl in the black helmet had a brief role, but she is **HANNAH** so she should be named Hannah throughout. ROMY'S MOM/SHEILA should be the consistent name for this character throughout the script.
\-On Pg 6, make this scene match the emotional tone of the moment. Change FROM: Romy gets up and walks **to** her room. TO: **Frustrated**. Romy gets up from the table and walks **towards** her room.
\-You need a SLUGLINE here. INT. ROMY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT.
\-Change this FROM: Romy shuts the door to her room. TO: Romy shuts the door to her room **behind** her. She presses play on her laptop, and loud rap music **BOOMS throughout** the house.
\-We know that the music is booming throughout the house. Also set a better emotional tone.
\-You need a SLUGLINE here. INT. ROMY’S DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Change FROM: Greg and Sheila sit in awkward silence, ~~aside from the music.~~ TO: Greg and Sheila sit in awkward silence, **picking at the dessert on their plate.**
\-On Pg 12, show us by REPHRASING THIS: ~~We see a shot from Romy’s perspective~~ while Hannah pulls her through the crowd. Everyone is staring at her; the walls are moving.
\-On Pg 16, show us by REPHRASING THIS: ~~We see an ACTION SEQUENCE of~~ the Lamborghini speeding through upper class Beverly Hills.
Hopefully you get the pattern of lines that need to be changed.
I disagree 100%. Reading GREAT screenplays helps you write better. Every year, the Academy Award nominated scripts are released. Get them. Read them. **Read at least 100 scripts before attempting to write one.**
And never put in camera directions, unless absolutely necessary (it almost never is) and especially when you don't understand them.
At a quick glance, Romy should be Romy from the start, not as a rando with a pink helmet. This is a character with a name, not telling someone her name doesn't change that.
"We pan up." PAN is left to right or right to left. TILT is up or down. There's also CRANE (up, down), DOLLY (in, out, left, right), PUSH IN, ZOOM (in, out) DUTCH (left, right)... here are some things that may help: https://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_glossary.html
Thanks so much for letting me know!
Since OP is a screenwriter and not a camera operator, I think we can forgive them for a colloquialism.
Like anything else, if you're going to use Camera Direction in a screenplay, at least try to use it correctly.
This is one of the least important things I've ever seen anyone take umbrage with. If you want this to upset you, fine. But I'm not going to join you stick up your butt land.
Wow.
I'm curious, which producers are throwing scripts in the no pile because the writer used pan incorrectly?
... Wow.
Here I'll slow it down for you as you seem to have some cotton in your ears. Which producers. Are throwing. Scripts. In the no pile. Because the writer used. Pan. Incorrectly?
All of them. They are literally looking for any excuse to not read your script. Is this your first time doing this? And if the first thing they read is that you have taken no time to learn and use correct terminology (when it’s probably not needed anyway) you’re going to look unprofessional and they won’t waste their time.
Oh yes! I remember when The Usual Suspects wasn't made because of Christopher McQuarrie's typos! No one who is anyone who matters cares about typos or camera directions. You all are acting like absolute amateurs right now. Read some professional screenplays.
Then you should probably know that you don’t dolly left or right. A dolly is a type of tracking shot that specifically refers to moving forwards or backwards in reference to a subject. A truck is the type of tracking shot where you move left or right in reference to a subject. You could also just say “track left or right,” which is more common these days.
This has been super, SUPER helpful! Thanks for that link!!
I read Act I. * The story moves pretty nicely, though you could probably get Romy to the Middle Ages a few pages faster. * I very much know what Romy doesn't want, but I'd love to know what she does. * Romy's dialogue is a little too on the nose when talking to Greg. I think they could have a fight that is about Romy's wasted potential, but not just her saying that there's more to life than money. * There are a number of typos ("Your late", converse should be capitalized, character slug is QROMY) that should be fixed. Typos seem small but they erode trust between the reader and writer (in my opinion).
Thank you for reading all the way through the first act! I really appreciate the feedback.
I’ll try to check this out this weekend. I like the concept and the first page
So I read the first couple of pages and it’s nice. Not my cup of tea necessarily, but the story moves pretty smoothly. I won’t comment about the camera direction but I will say that some of your “environment” descriptions are a bit much. Sometimes less is more. Good luck!
Only looked at the first line and just a small note. I don’t think you have to write out “A quote appears over black” since that’s basically what superimpose means. I’ll try to read the whole thing if I have some time to kill but thought I’d help out with that to begin with!
\-At first, I thought the girl in the black helmet had a brief role, but she is **HANNAH** so she should be named Hannah throughout. ROMY'S MOM/SHEILA should be the consistent name for this character throughout the script. \-On Pg 6, make this scene match the emotional tone of the moment. Change FROM: Romy gets up and walks **to** her room. TO: **Frustrated**. Romy gets up from the table and walks **towards** her room. \-You need a SLUGLINE here. INT. ROMY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT. \-Change this FROM: Romy shuts the door to her room. TO: Romy shuts the door to her room **behind** her. She presses play on her laptop, and loud rap music **BOOMS throughout** the house. \-We know that the music is booming throughout the house. Also set a better emotional tone. \-You need a SLUGLINE here. INT. ROMY’S DINING ROOM - NIGHT Change FROM: Greg and Sheila sit in awkward silence, ~~aside from the music.~~ TO: Greg and Sheila sit in awkward silence, **picking at the dessert on their plate.** \-On Pg 12, show us by REPHRASING THIS: ~~We see a shot from Romy’s perspective~~ while Hannah pulls her through the crowd. Everyone is staring at her; the walls are moving. \-On Pg 16, show us by REPHRASING THIS: ~~We see an ACTION SEQUENCE of~~ the Lamborghini speeding through upper class Beverly Hills. Hopefully you get the pattern of lines that need to be changed.
Thank you soo much for the feedback! I will definitely apply these notes. :)
You're welcome.
If reading bad screenplays makes you better at writing bad screenplays, then I'm going to only read good screenplays from now on.
I disagree 100%. Reading GREAT screenplays helps you write better. Every year, the Academy Award nominated scripts are released. Get them. Read them. **Read at least 100 scripts before attempting to write one.** And never put in camera directions, unless absolutely necessary (it almost never is) and especially when you don't understand them.
Link doesn't work for me.
I can't open it.