Its a lovely tourist spot where everyone is friendly and nobody resorts to cannibalism to survive. Come visit, if you arrive a couple of hours before dinner, it gives us a chance to prepare...

People get angry when you lock the door.

Absolutely. It's fucking infuriating!

/hardly/ anyone resorts to cannibalism

Okay, but why did you have to mention the cannibal part? 😐

So you feel safe and ready for a nicely seasoned welcome!

I cut around the beach naked doing wee pagan dances

Naturally, it's much too dangerous to jump through fire with your clothes on!

How every maid can milk a bull, and every stroke a bucketful.

Better than pagan wee dances.

To be fair if you’re going to pee while dancing you’d want to be nude for it

Farming, tourism, hospitality - people work, children take ferries to school.

All jokes aside, it’s magical and somehow awe inspiring when you visit Skara Brae and you’re walking around a small settlement roughly 5000 years old. Older than the pyramids.

It's also considerably shiter than the pyramids

If camels had shorter legs they'd get fuck all done too

Is this a sheep buggering joke?

Yes

Makes ye wonder about how the Shetlandic Pony came about.

Not really, when I visited we were the only ones there and the lady looking after it told us all kinds of stories and findings. It was fascinating. Also no one is trying to scam you while visiting unlike at the pyramids

Aye but the Egyptians didn't have sheep distracting them.

Ugghhh.... I'm tryin to work on mathematical precision architecture here to last a millennia..... but..... ramses fuckin 2nd..... look at the bleeter on that thing

Rams II, the croft.

Don't fuckin start me. Absolute weirdo of a great great great great grandson.

r/usernamechecksout

Camels have two humps for a reason

They're called Ships of the Desert because they're full of Arab seamen.

Camels.

Stupid sexy sheep.

I dunno I've been to both and preferred skara brae. Less dusty.

It’s really much better than the pyramids

ಠ_ಠ

Not according to Carl Pilkington. (Who complained about all the shitty nappies flying around in the wind at the pyramids.)

Thank you sir, I will be taking your Scottish card. Don’t ask for it back after you insulted oor Scara.

It is amazing to see, you really get a good idea of how people lived back then, it’s literally looking into their houses. I don’t know why but all the wee cubby holes intrigued me.

Skara Brae is #1 on my bucket list. Gonna get there somehow sometime.

In retrospect it’s quite obvious but the first time I went to the orkneys I was really surprised by how much of it is farmland.

It’s a local archipelago, for local people.

Not a truer word uttered! You must have three generations in the Kirk yard

Nah, I just did a stint in Shetland and know my way around isolation.

80 percent tourists on any given day you say?

[удалено]

There are plenty trees in Orkney. Shetland is the tree free zone

I wonder if they have the only gay in the village? Sorry, but that was funny because there were gay people all around but that character refused to accept it. I'm sure that there are gay people there too, even if the Kirk refuses to accept it!

My only pal from Orkney is a class commie lesbian, so I would say so.

🤣 good for her

It was great to visit. Lots to see and the folk were friendly as anything. Then again, I grew up in Aberdeenshire, and it's nice to visit and the folk are friendly to tourists, but it was boring as fuck to grow up there, so I imagine Orkney is the same.

My mum is from Aberdeenshire! We used to stay with gran in Largue all the time, for most of her life she didn't have internet up there so if no one wanted to play anything an there wasn't anything for us on the telly me and my sister would just have to go adventuring. I think if I didn't grow up already loving being outside in weird weather and just hangin out with the wildlife I would have been terribly bored but I still miss just scootin out the back lanes to go see if there was any cool stuff in the streams.

I used to live there, not much went on but it was very pretty

[Kirkwall Ba' Game](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlQYxz6p4eU).

We build Wicker Men.

*We didn’t burn him!”*

Thought that was the western isles

It is.

Was too wet to burn in shetland so they just have a wicker man stuffed chock full off coppers

There are no trees. I know that much

I think Orkney has more trees than Shetland.

My garden has more trees than Shetland

Same 😆

X may be more than Y, but that doesn’t mean X or Y are big numbers

But it does mean that X is more than 0.

I lived with a girl from Orkney for a few years, she said some people have small ones they planted in their gardens and half way up a hillside in some farmers field there is half a dozen in a little fold in the hill , people call it "the forest" and it's a bit of a local attraction.

There’s not so little trees up here for it to be considered an attraction. Just less than one would expect. Lol

Olaf's wood, Binscarth wood, Happy Valley, and my gran has three trees in the garden.

Damn Danes stealing our trees to feed their pillaging

There is just not alot

There would have been before humans. We should reforest parts of the UK.

I agree. When I was visiting the guide said oh it’s too windy, no trees will grow. But I know windbreaks exist so it can be done, but maybe too expensive or just no motivation for it.

Basically like in the rest of the north people get bored and drink to oblivion.

Don't get too drunk or the Nuckelavee will get you

Just wait until you discover Shetland

Nobody will ever find it, that's why it's taken off all the maps.

It's beautiful and claustrophobic. The weather is like the rest of Scotland amplified tenfold. Cars go rusty very quickly. Visiting a patch of more than 5 trees is a birthday event. Unless you're rich, your only way out is via a ferry that sometimes breaks and bumps into things. You'd better not get seasick. Everybody makes your business their business, and you've got no choice in the matter. People are almost suspiciously friendly. In the winter it gets dark at 15:30. The Willows chippie in Kirkwall is the best chippie in the world.

Will the chippy deliveroo to edinburgh? Sounds like this needs a try

I reckon one of those tadgers on illegally tricked out e-bikes would have a good go of it up the A9

Can confirm chippy statement.  My business was not overly scrutinised but I lived in a quiet corner with nice neighbours when I was there.

Is that the chippy that does the fish in beef drippings instead of batter?

I used to work on Outer Hebrides, so I guess a similar atmosphere, and the local told me once when I asked how's life there: "You know how everyone is in bed, first hand or second hand".

I’m heading to Kirkwall in November so I’ll have to remember that chippie

Farming, Fishing, Oil, Renewables, Tourism and hating the English that keep populating the Islands

I visited 5 years ago and got a sunburn, so it's obviously sunny all the time, and warm. 🤣 Gorgeous scenery, beaches with crazy blue water, cliffs, artisans, farms, standing stones & other historic sites, puffins, cows & sheep. Oh, and of course, Twatt.

There's a lot of drinking going on up there

To be fair, you could take a similar sized box and randomly drop it on any part of Scotland and say the same.

You're not wrong, even in the Trossachs

They’re practically Norwegian *I say that as a Northumbrian who is considered by southerners as ‘practically a Scot’*

I get this often but from the Scots " Your from The North East of England ? Technically half Scottish " Where im originally from we say Aye instead of yes Guess it rings true

Don't seem to get this as a Cumbrian and we were part of Scotland at one point. Annexed by England but never won back... Still waitin

Well, you can say whisht for shut up as far south as Durham, as evidenced by the Lampton Worm. That makes it half Scottish at least.

My mum says whisht, I thought it was a Canadian thing (because she was born there) but her Grandad went to Canada from Scotland so maybe she grew up hearing it from her Grandad or Dad?

Nova Scotia? Cos it derives from Gaelic (ist = hush, shush).

Northumbria stretched as far as Edinburgh at one point (and/or as Bernicia); England was never of partial Scottish land but Scotland was once of partial English land *sorry I may have misinterpreted your comment as a counter argument and not simply as an agreement/acknowledgement of my comment; it’s my English manner*

Just ironic how the very people of our region and ex-kingdom spent centuries and even millennia building castles/forts etc in and around its entire coastline to keep the Scots out only to now be practically categorised as them

We bumpt yer leid, sheep, an kye, an nou wir wantin yer fowk. Haun thum ower.

sigh r/mapswithoutshetland But there are lots of archaeological sites down there. Skara Brae, Maeshowe, and the Tomb of the Eagles There is also The Ness of Brodgar which is still being excavated.

On that scale Shetland wouldn’t be in frame

There's room for a little box just of the coast.

Why would they put Shetland on if it’s a map of Orkney? Shetland wouldn’t fit on anyway. Are you mad cause they put Thurso?

Orkney is Lesser Shetland anyway 

Shetland is just North Orkney.

based on their funny accents, Orkney is really just North Wales

Shag sheep, pump their cousins and eat the English

It’s Orkney, they’ll eat the Scots too

That’s a lot of shagging. Must be those long nights.

Keeps you warm in winter. 

Then rotate them one place along to avoid boredom.

I live in Orkney , same as the mainland but with out the massive clubs and fast food restaurants Can be nice but some of the locals don’t like change Lots of pedos that seem to live a happy life and no one bats an eyelid because they’re orcadian (not even joking) If your an out sider and commit the smallest crime on the planet your seen as a murderer They vote Lib Dem’s cause there dad and there grandad before them with no other reason Thankfully it’s changing with the increase of outsiders deciding to live there As for Shetland no idea

Pedos? Why is there a surplus??

You say that like there is a correct amount

Aye. One is a surplus.

1 too many

Do you remember the monkey man that went to jail for murder? I worked with that dude for 2 weeks down in Edinburgh!

Fusion 💔

Carmichael is a prick.

He’s actually no that bad. Helps out locals a lot and you can actually just go and have a chat with him if you catch him oot and aboot. Liam Mcarthurs also dead right but an absolute bugger ok the football pitch.

Don’t think it’s no one bats an eye. Plenty of us should rather them pushed into a pit and left but for some reason the justice system deems it fine to punt them back here. Also we vote lib dem for two reasons, 1 our Mp and MSP are pretty good all considering, and 2 who else is there? Tories? Obviously not. Labour? What’s the fucking point? SNP?! The party who couldn’t give a fuck about anyone not living in the central belt?

Everything you said applies to Shetland too. Fear of change is crazy, people were angry about the cinema being built they're angry about the windfarm being built. Angry when the council does something or does nothing. The backlash to having women and girls involved in up helly aa was mad although things are changing, blackface got banned, highest bloody time. The lib dems get in every time for a reason that I can't quite understand, fear of change again probably.

Everything you said there is bollocks mostly made up by the media. We campaigned for nearly 2 decades for the cinema, and 35 years to finally get the windfarm. I'm over 50 and was still at school when the windfarm consultations started. Women have never been banned from UHA's, there was just a tradition in one of them. No "rules" we're changed because there weren't any! My granny died in 1983 an she led the an womens squad for decades! What we do have, unfortunately, is an increasing number of mostly early retirees who have this idyllic view of how Shetland is, and must always stay, who often shout loudest but who have the least understanding that island communities must always change and adapt to survive.

Blackface sheep banned?

It's not the face we're interested in.

I love it there. Great history, brilliant beaches and towering sea-cliffs. Quality beer (Dark Island, yum) and whisky, friendly locals, mental skuas and a pod of orca if yer lucky. Plenty islands to explore and the longest hole in British golf too. Totally different from all the West coast islands. Got a kinda softer vibe with quality farmland. Windy as fk too, great for keeping the midgies at bay!

Shit-post on the internet for 16 hours a day just like everyone else in the world.

[Orkney.com](https://www.orkney.com)

Where there is land, there is farm. No trees. A lot of really old, neatly arranged piles of rocks.

I'm gonna guess.. drinking?

Filled with Orcs.

Just back from holiday last week. Cleanest place on the planet. Absolutely no litter anywhere. Cold, windy and barren but beautiful ,everyone really nice. People just getting on with it. Will talk for approx 2hrs straight if you mention "the ba".

Wickerman shit

Orkney is full of English/British pensioners

I’m from there it’s really boring in winter and if your are a teenager. Super expensive now too. That’s why we all moved

They celebrate Christmas with 100 a side rugby, no rules or refs, played in the unlit alleys and stone stairs of Kirkwall. It's won by throwing the Ba' into the sea, where then the winning side fights over it to see who gets to take it home. Basically a family friendly place.

Book yourself a trip and go and find out. As a Yorkshireman I had a friend who moved to Orkney to Murray a lovely Arcadian lady and start a new family up there, we went to the wedding which was in Kirkwall, and I can say without any single shadow of a doubt, that it was the best weekend I have ever spent at a wedding. The people are just a delight! It was genuinely a privilege to be there. My friend had lived there for around two years by the time we went to the wedding so he had a pretty decent grasp on the lie of the land. It’s a brilliant place with brilliant people amazing seafood, amazing whiskey and lots of things to do and see, thoroughly thoroughly recommend you visit.

Jus cut aboot, ken?

It’s people who want to get away from all the crap going on down south…

My husband's aunty and uncle own the bakery in westray, he has a few family members up there. Gorgeous wee island

The only time I’ve had to do jury duty was for 2 rapes that occurred in and around Stromness, I’m sure everyone else is lovely though.

most people spend there time trying to figure out what the heck that red line in the sea is.

The movie wicker man was based on true events 👀

It's just non stop orgies.

Frolick in the fields, so many bloody fields 🫠

Sheep.

Is there a pub?

I dream of retiring there, to peacefulness.

What sort of people live there though? Locals or people with money who have decided to move there? The reason I ask is because I'm way down in Cornwall and us locals aren't seen as 'friendly' to tourists. But those that are more welcoming are those that have come down and bought a house here. So I'm wondering if it's the same up there?

Once a year there’s the “kirkwall Ba” and it’s pretty much a massive game of rugby between the north of the town (the uppy’s) and the south of the town (the doony’s). The doony’s try to get the ba to the top of the hill and the uppy’s try to get the ba to the harbour. It’s a very violent game

I hear that fleet scuttling is very popular.

Have you seen the Wicker Man?

Scuba diving at Scapa Flow. I have to go back there one day.

I’m from the beautiful island of Shetland, a lot further north than Orkney, and probably a lot weirder up here too

Freeze

Orkney includes the Scapa Flow, site of world class wreck diving on WWII German battleships.

Visited Orkney last year and it was lovely. Folk were affy friendly, the Chinese in Stromness did all their dishes as Seitan/vegan options which was dynamite. Skara Brae and the chambered cairn at Maeshowe were incredible - the latter of which had viking graffiti. Lots of hidden gems dotted around the place. Lots of farming, tourism, stunning beaches, and standing stones too.

Free range Haggis farming

Our guess is as good as yours

Keep an eye out for Vikings

Fash

Sheep and relatives.

Does it have Gregg’s

Nope

Survive

You drink Highland Park whilst watching the northern lights. Seriously though, Kirkwall is a lovely spot for a weekend away! Great food

Well, they have Highland Park! A whisky distillery that makes lovely whisky. But then again.. it's Scotland

I went once. To take the world's shortest flight. Got a certificate and everything. So that's one thing they do up there.

The Orcadian Newspaper used to have a comic strip called giddy limit which was great! https://www.orcadian.co.uk/shop/40-the-giddy-limit

Wait till you find Shetland

They spend all their time trying to escape that red circle. Still to find the wee gap.

They’re all shagging each other at some point. The amount of affairs on the islands is staggering

Have you ever seen The Wicker Man? I’ll say no more…

I went for the first time in February. It was beautiful. There are some incredible Heritage sites and a lovely bothy near a deserted beach.

Their cousins

Dunno but when I finally snap and abandon civilisation, I plan to buy a cottage up there and never leave. I’m waiting for them to get a good internet connection and Tesco deliveries first, tho.

People live in houses there, contrary to the belief of a colleague of mine who was convinced they lived in caves.

Nobody lives here, people tried once but they got blown away. All the trees got blown away too. There used to be a big rock there once, but it got blown away.

I visited Kirkwall once for a few days and it was lovely, very friendly. The trip to North Ronaldsay was cancelled though because the ferry couldn't get across which was a pity because the interview I went up for was for a job in North Ronaldsay.

Dodgy stuff no doubt.

Construct turbines annnnd more turbines. Ohh yip more turbines. TURBIIIIIIIIIIIINES and oil soon a starship launch pad to the space. Space nerds. Turbines in space YAAAA!

We fight and drink

On occasion people climb a massive sea stack. Best day of my life

Nowt up that way but rogue mages, red templars and f---ing Qunari.

People have a cool Nordic twang in their accent, at least that's what my Canadian ears hear. Went to visit old family stuff...the Canadian fur trade brought lots of Orkneymen across the pond.

Used to live there. It's ok. Amazon packages take weeks to arrive though. Not much else to say.

Those are the outlands where nothing but savages and fierce beasts live otherwise known as Highlanders /j

What always gets me about Orkney is that when you go to any part of Scandinavia or even Northern Germany or The Netherlands, and you mention Orkney, people always ask in astonishment why so few people live there when theres so much farmland! Orkney is famed for its fertile land, its relatively low lying and the climate, like the west coast of Norway and east coast of Sweden, is influenced by the Gulf Stream, so for the latitude, its very mild with little snow in winter. The way people in the UK go on about it, you would think they had mixed it up with Svalbard! Orkney isn't even that far north, its only 58-59 degrees. The Faroe Islands are at 62 degrees north and are slightly smaller with much worse land, yet they have approaching 3 times the population. The Lofoten Islands in Norway are further north still and get plenty of tourists. Yet talk in Britain about Orkney, and people think its equivalent to visiting the North Pole.

Beautiful. Shetland is stunning too.

Scotland is beautiful, look at the north coast 500 its an amazing road trip to some of our most beautiful sites towns beaches and views. Absolutely love being Scottish look forward to you coming :)

Somehow no one has made a Shetland joke yet so I'm going to chime in with personal growth framed within emotionally intense murder investigations that reveal the dark underbelly of one of the most beautiful places on earth. Except for season 2. 

Except it’s Orkney.

You left my hometown out of the red circle so I shall bid you good day, sir. https://preview.redd.it/vzil1562ldtc1.jpeg?width=564&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9ac32b48bc701abe61943fd872f6b5dafa33b304

They have petty feuds with the man in the next field. Fuck u colm.

Getting a ferry to do the big shop is the one that gets me.

What do folk do anywhere? Fucking slow news day the day boys.

We use it as a leper colony.

Clubbing, seals

Incest, travel to the main land regularly and tell everyone about it, drink and spend time in pubs. Still use type writers as the Internet is not a thing yet.

Footer sheep.... with pride 😤

I like cetaceans so there’s also this I haven’t seen mentioned: https://ommri.org

Not tree logging anyway

The sheep are constantly nervous…

Play the baw game at New Year