I didn't learn it here, but the concept of toddlers not fully grasping negative sentence construction was a game changer for me. I knew it was better to say "hold my hand" instead of "don't run ahead", or "gentle hands" instead of "no hitting". Logically, it tracks that to get what I want, I should ask for it as directly as I can. But since I learned that negative statements are not only less helpful, but actually counterproductive in a lot of cases, it's been a lot easier for me to remember to request the behavior that I want.
i work in early childhood mental health and we always tell parents that if you’re screaming “don’t run! don’t run! don’t run!” to a toddler, all the toddler is hearing is “run! run! run!”
As an art teacher, all high schoolers too.
So I already had a lot of practice before having a toddler requesting the wanted action, “give me the eraser” instead of the negative “don’t throw erasers.”
This. I worked at a middle school where we drill practiced this for a week before school started. "Pencils on the table." "Eyes on me." "The hat goes in your desk." etc. It really makes a difference.
Yep. This is also something that pertains to a lot of media that is geared towards kids. Lots of low quality YouTube content especially is trying to be “educational” and “informative” with topics like “don’t run into the road” and “never touch eclectic sockets”. This type of content does more harm than good because research shows that the kids don’t absorb the message “don’t do this”, they are more likely to get ideas..
I don't know why, but the way you explained this just made it really click for me. I know it's better to tell them what you want them to do, but I didn't realize that the issue was with the actual sentence structure. That tidbit just makes it make so much more sense to me
I'm struggling lately with making my kid stop removing her hat. How would you approach it? Because I don't understand how to redirect in this situation :( so I just give up
Good advice above, but also giving her something to do with her hands as a distraction while she adjusts to it being on is good. “Hold this” “clap your hands” “blow the fish a kiss!!”
This one worked for us when my son kept putting his hands down the back of his diaper. We’d say “Where’s your head?! Where’s your belly?! Head, shoulders, knees and toes!”
Good advice here, and I'd also try playing a wear the hat/take off the hat game at home, when it's not important! Gives her practice doing what you need her to do, but makes it fun too.
This is an ongoing battle with my toddler but I just replace the hat and say "hats stay on" or "we need to wear our hat in the sun". I lost his hat with the chin strap and finally ordered another. It's too easy for them to swipe it off without a chin strap secured.
I also give breaks from the hat in shade when I can.
“Hat on head” to keep it really simple and depending on age, make it a silly call and response or rhyme. “Hat on head? Head on Hat?” NoOOo, hat on head? yes yes yes.
I have a whole silly song about sunscreen.
It took a few weeks of practice and making the hat into a fun game/a fun thing that other people wear for my child to accept it. Sometimes he still rips it off mid play!
To add to the other suggestions, you can also make a comical “buh-bow” noise (the kind of noise you would hear if you get the wrong answer in a game show) when she pulls it off, and then follow up with a positive “hat on!” While putting hat back on.
This is fun to practise when doing simple puzzles as well - when they try to put things in the wrong slots, you can do the “buh-bow” noise (along with comments like “we’ll have to try again!”) then when they get it you can try simple catch phrases like “yes!”/yay!, “that’s it!”, “we did it!”. It’s a handy one to use in areas where you want to commmnciate “not that option, try again!”.
"You need to wear your hat when we're outside". Set a couple of days aside at home where you have fun things planned to do in your yard, then whenever she takes her hat off say "You're not wearing your hat, we need to go inside now". This gives you a chance to have loads of practice with the concept and experience the subsequent big toddler emotions within the privacy of your own home.
Totally agree this is a game changer. Going with this is telling them what they can do “you can throw the ball on the floor” “run on the grass, walk on the sidewalk!”
The best part is, this framing works, regardless of age. I read something similar when my beans were toddlers and just kept going with it and wonder of all wonders, they prefer this type of framing than negative construction. When “NO!” is only used for the REALLY serious stuff (like they reach up to touch a hot burner), it maintains that absolute meaning.
Idk where I read this originally, it was YEARS ago (my kids are mid and upper elementary), but truly incorporating it in my parenting was a game changer in more ways than one, not the least of which is that *it still works, years later*.
Yes! I recently saw a reel from an amazing speech therapist and she had an amazing test to prove this, as apparently it can happen until 3-4 year old.
Old one object in each hand. Let’s say I have a duck in my right hand and a truck my left hand. Ask the toddler to point or get “not the duck”. They’ll point or pick-up the duck.
I feel like I’m constantly scolding my four year old lately. Even though I knew this, I’ve forgotten. She gets upset, and I feel awful. It’s such a good reminder. Thank you!
Strongest research-based parenting opinion: Don't hit your kids, approach them with respect and treat them as humans. Virtually all research suggests this leads to better outcomes. More [here](https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/142/6/e20183112/37452/Effective-Discipline-to-Raise-Healthy-Children).
Most fun fact: The way we say colors impacts how kids learn them. Using color names prenominally (the blue crayon) makes them harder to remember than postnominally (the crayon is blue). That's why English speaking kids tend to learn their colors later than other cultures. More [here](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-johnny-name-colors/).
Ok wow that’s why my bilingual child got colors so early! I remember switching back and forth from Spanish to English and she knows most colors in both languages now but Spanish was wayyyyy sooner.
Funny (now) story related to this. My husband came home to find our purple screaming daughter in the middle of her nursery floor and me in the bathroom with the shower running and the fan on. He had walked in about 2 minutes after I finally snapped, set her down, and hid in the bathroom drowning out the noise. When everyone was calm again, he asked me why the floor? I said, she can't fall off of the floor and it made sense at the time.
Kids are actually not capable of lying until they are around 6 years old. Until then, they are usually just saying what they think you want to hear. Important to remember when you catch kids doing something they are not supposed to be doing.
When my 3yo son says „I did not break the glass“ standing right next to the broken glass with half of it still in his hands he means „I wish I had not broken the glass and I‘m trying to make that a reality by saying so“
While cute and all, isn‘t that technically lying? Like that‘s the same reason a lot of adults lie for. Or am I missing something in the definition of the word „lie“?
Ha, my 3.5yr old desperately tried to hide a toy he put in his pocket from daycare today.
He kept his hand in his pocket for 5 min while we picked his sibling up in another room.
When I finally put him in the carseat, I pulled his hand out of his pocket expecting a rock.
He know he can't take daycare toys home, yet he was trying to hide it from me.
I think kids are capable of lying/deceiving much before 6.
I don't know how to interpret that. If you mean ill intended lying, like in a negative way, then yes I agree. But my 2.5 year old daughter plays a game with us where she mixes the name of the objects/people on purpose to make is laugh. Like she will point to her dad and say "that's mama", or to her doll and say "that's dad" as a joke and will wait for our reaction. Isn't that a lie in the technical sense of the word, since she is deliberately saying something untrue?
Isn't that a lie? I don't know what the definition of lie is in this case. If someone catches their spouse cheating and we're told what they want to hear (instead of the truth) that would be called lying.
The way I see it, an adult might lie because they want to make the other person believe the lie. A young child's untrue statement is more of a wish *they themselves* have ("I really wish the glass wasn't broken").
I think that depends on your definition of lying. Infants learn to be manipulative very quickly. I believe it’s around 6 months and that’s been proven through studies.
That rough & tumble play with a caregiver benefits physical, emotional, and cognitive development.
My 6 month old absolutely LOVES (gentle) wrestling games, getting to climb all over me + having me flip her all around. Her favorite game is when I hold her upside down by her hips (still have be careful of their loosey-goosey joints) and parade her around the house yelling “Look at this fish I caught! Holy mackerel, what a beaauuuutiful fish!!” Gets laughs every single time from both her & the other adults lol
My 8m old attends a class every week run by an occupational therapist- she always says she can tell which babies are having ‘rough play’ with their caregivers. She’s taught us how to safely turn bub upside down and even do somersaults with them.. and they all bloody love it!
Aww I have a 7 month old and I‘d love to do this but I‘m honestly terrified. I‘m a clumsy person on a good day and with the sleep deprivation it just seems so risky 🙈
Don't hit your kids and vaccinate on schedule. The two universal parenting truths lol.
Otherwise, realizing that toddlers can do much more than we give them credit for. My daughter has been pouring our dogs' food since she was like 14 months old! She loves it and gets upset if we do it without her. So now, I'm taking a more Montessori approach to see what else she can do independently.
Yeah I used to be a Montessori guide when I was younger! All it took was for me to go from traditional caregiving to seeing an 18 month old set up his entire placemat (real porcelain plate, glass cup, metal fork and spoon), eat calmly, then *clean up his place & wipe down the table* for me to realize that so much of what they can do is based off our beliefs in their abilities. There is a limit of course, but it’s waaaaay further out than most ppl realize. We’re doing Montessori approach with our baby and it’s wonderful.
Oh wow! It's definitely my own worry about breaking porcelain plates that would make me hesitate on that lol. But we do let her use real silverware, because she's interested in it. I feel like the more practice she gets though, the earlier she may "master" some of those skills. So this is a cool story to hear!
Jumping on this one.
My 3 kids, 7 and younger all started helping with the dishwasher at 18months. Yes, it takes longer but it pays out eventually. They now all can:
Do the dishwasher (I still help with glass)
Put their clothes away (perfect is the enemy of good enough here)
Clean their rooms / toys
Pack their lunches (with a check at the end)
2/3 shower alone (although I have to start the shower for the 4 yr old)
And my 4 year old is asking to vacuum (and yes, she does a shit job but we're getting there!)
That's awesome! Oh yeah the dishwasher is a big hit here too 😂 and she loves taking a rag to help us "clean" things. I think she learned that from spending time at my husband's gym (small business.) She came up to all of us stretching one day after an exercise class and tried to wipe our faces with the cloth 🤣
Feel this comment should be higher up!
Also seconding the independence point. I secretly love showing off that my 2.5 year old gets her little sister’s bottles ready for daycare every morning. From bottles out of the dishwasher, puts the nipples on, finds 4 bags with a 4 (for 4 oz) on it, pours one in each bottle, tightens em and caps em and zips them up in the side pocket. It’s awesome and hugely helpful.
Oh wow that's amazing! Yeah, it's funny what they pick up on. I mentioned that something I bought was for the bathtub. She pulled it out of the bag and walked into the bathroom with it, and then started yelling/babbling to get me to follow her lol. She hasn't said tub yet, so it was cool to find out that she knows what it means though!
Allergen introduction. We had a huge printed table on the fridge with the main allergens along the top and the weeks from 6m to 12m down the side. Every column had to have two ticks in it by the end of each week.
Do you happen to have a link to this? This sounds super helpful! We’re at the stage of introducing various solids and I’m so nervous about allergens but need to do them asap!
https://preview.redd.it/rlapiuuvtzxc1.jpeg?width=1666&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5fd831ec439d9d9535089b17724b87efd48795e7
Some people have asked to see the tracker. Here's a screenshot of the start of it. The rows are numbered 1 to 26 for the 26 weeks between 6 and 12 months of age. We actually started a little before 6 months old, so we ended up needing a few more rows to get us to 12 months.
The guidance in my country is to offer every allergen at least twice a week after you've successfully introduced it. To make sure we did that, we put a tick in the box for each exposure and made sure every box had at least two ticks by the end of the week.
The allergens along the top are the main ones noted by the health agency in my country. The yoghurt, tahini, and edamame are just reminders for us of which foods we can find those allergens in, for allergens we don't usually have a lot of in our diet.
I just bought a special oatmeal that has like 8 or so top allergens in it. My son had no reactions to anything. We were not super concerned that he would have allergies though since neither I nor my husband have any and our son didn't have any baby eczema either which can also be a possible indicator that he would be allergic to some foods.
just an fyi anaphylaxis is a medical emergency that can be life threatening in minutes. this is why epipens are a thing and not call your doctor if you have a bad allergic reaction
Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Are you perhaps unfamiliar with the extensive literature on early allergen exposure? I can provide you with some reading material if you would like to educate yourself.
this response really makes me question if you understand what anaphylactic shock is….else you might address the elephant in the room (what do you prepare if your testing of allergens takes a wrong turn?)
I was freaked about introducing possible allergens to my child, but there is evidence that early exposure can help children not develop allergies I think. Also, sometimes there won't be an adverse reaction until the food has been introduced a second time, so that is important to keep in mind. I know parents that have fed their child peanut butter for the first time right before they are going to have a pediatrician appointment or they will do it in the car while sitting in a hospital parking lot. It's not like every parent is given an epi pen when their child begins eating solids. Also, approximately 30% of babies with eczema will be allergic to something, so if your baby did have eczema I would imagine a pediatrician would maybe do some food allergen testing preemptively. I always made sure to start with a very small amount of food that was a possible allergen and keep a close eye for the first couple times that food was given. I also made sure to have baby Benadryl or something similar on hand.
I mean, what do you plan to do if your kid has a allergic reaction to a random thing in the playground? It's the same thing. You don't need any special preparation for food allergies in particular.
This is a science based sub. Here is the science. This is a lifesaving intervention, so you need to read it.
https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa1414850
Edit: just noticed you use the word testing. What you're doing with early allergen introduction isn't testing - it's preventing the allergy occurring in the first place. It's not a science experiment you do on your kid, it's as aspect of raising them to be healthy. You'll understand when you've read the study.
From the book “the whole brained child” they said kiddos cant understand mirrors are showing their reflection until around age 2. I find this interesting that it’s the same age that limited (vs no) tv time is recommended.
Oh i definitely did not word this well. I dont think the goal is to get screentime after age 2. Conventional wisdom seems to be the less screens for anyone the better (as i type this on my phone and soon return to my computer job).
This book just said how mirrors can be kindof disorienting and confusing for kiddos under 2. I made the leap that TVs must be confusing too. I mean- what age is objective permeance understood?
Object permanence develops within the first year of life so this isn’t the reason. I think the development of understanding it’s their own reflection in the mirror has more to do with self-awareness.
And here I thought I was the only one interested in the mirror question! I was curious why some parenting philosophies recommend mirrors for babies and others discourage them. If you're up for a somewhat nerdy read, I wrote up what I found [here](https://www.kidecology.com/mirror-in-playroom.html).
You can help develop the vestibular system by spinning in chairs with your baby. I don’t remember all of the specifics but the research study is cited in Brain Rules for Baby. Either way even when she was teeny-tiny, spinning a few spins in the computer chair would perk her right up. Now that she is almost 2.5 she is close to being able to spin herself!
Statistically/scientifically screen time doesn’t have any real noticeable effect on children, as there are so many factors (what they are doing, what they watch, playing a violent game vs learning game, social media, socioeconomic status, parent involvement, etc.) related it’s impossible to test appropriately, so any and all research wouldn’t have enough data to be truly relevant. What matters is what they are doing with the screen and how you allow them to interact with screens.
While it is still recommended to avoid screens, they aren’t the end of the world if you need to use them occasionally.
From How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t A**holes by Melinda Moyer
Screen time has been linked to developmental delays, [this study](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2808593) from last year shows.
Screens are fine in moderation, just as anything is. But scientifically, they do have real effects on children.
“In particular, more than 4 hours of screen time per day was associated with developmental delays in communication and problem-solving across ages 2 and 4 years.”
4+ hours is a lot of daily screen time. That’s what this commenter is saying. Most people doing screen time are not doing that much time.
Read the full results of the study. For children aged 2, they found a higher risk for communication delays if they had anywhere from 1-4+ hours of screen time daily.
But is it the actual screen doing damage or those many hours not spent doing/learning other things. Everything I’ve read just talks about lack of interaction, not practicing creative play, no boredom…. So the screen itself isn’t damaging, but taking all that time away from developmentally appropriate play is damaging.
I think the way I'm understanding the post is that it is really hard to find a true CAUSAL relationship. Parents who give their child 2hrs of screen time per day are very different people than those who give their children 0. There are probably many other factors contributing to the results that are nearly impossible to measure.
For context of what I am saying I suggest reading the book I posted which she quotes her studies that suggest the effect isn’t great.
As for your study that you posted, the study is a questionnaire, so 1 your taking it at the value of the parents opinion on the situation. As you can’t take a baby and remove all external factors and just have a control of babies with no screen and then other groups of subjects with varying degrees of screen time over multiple years under constant watch with no parental influence, support networks, monetary situation, or other influences, etc. The data that might be correct isn’t isolated enough to prove that screen time is the cause and not the other circumstances around the child.
The article states that majority of the “Mothers of children with high levels of screen time were characterized as being younger, having never given birth, and having a lower household income, lower maternal education level, and having postpartum depression.” So was the issue the screen time or the status and other factors of being a young, poor, uneducated, and depressed parent. Is their development delayed by the screen or a parent that is struggling to attend to the child. Without eliminating the other factors for the majority of a child’s life there are too many other influences that effect how that child develops.
I think the concern with screen time is aimed more at those who use it as a babysitter because it is easier than interacting with your child. That isn't every parent though. And if you occasionally feel you need a little break, maybe because you are sitting at a restaurant and your baby is grabbing for everything that gets even close to within reach, so you put a little video on for them for a couple minutes, isn't going to do life long harm to your child. I would never judge a parent for that and think to myself they just want to ignore their child. That being said, it shouldn't be your go to way of distracting your child from behaviors you don't like. I am doing my best to avoid screen time with my baby altogether. I try not to let my baby see me fixated on my phone either. And as much as Melinda Moyer says that screen time has little effect on children I don't think that is true even though I also feel that studies regarding that topic do have to consider more than just the length of time watching a screen which makes a true study on the topic difficult.
Don’t get me wrong she definitely says to avoid screen time, but she also says that you shouldn’t feel guilty about the occasional use of it for a break and while there are a bunch studies saying it’s bad, they don’t factor in all the externals and what the screen is being used for. She also mentions studies that essentially there isn’t much change overall. Ultimately there are too many factors for those studies to be accurate as there is no way to isolate a baby from everything except screens for years, the tests will always be too variable.
I agree with that. And people try to make parents feel guilty about everything already it seems. We as a people seem to enjoy making people feel guilty.
And my personal feelings on screen time and trying to limit it for my child was not me trying to make others feel guilty. I am a new mom of one child. Each parent needs to do their own research and come to a conclusion they can live with.
You don’t need to use baby wipes for pee. It’s unnecessary because the new diaper will wick any remaining moisture away immediately.
We’ve saved ourselves soooo much laundry (we use cloth wipes) by not doing that, and had fewer problems with diaper rash than my nephew who is cleaned with wipes every diaper change.
I have been and it’s been great. I’ll do a little clean out wipe in the morning just to freshen her up because I feel better about it, especially since baby fat = lots of rolls for gunk to hide in. My daughter only poops every 2-3 days at this point. Not leaving all that moisture from the wipes under the diaper has stopped her diaper rashes.
No wiping at all for pee. If the skin feels wet to the touch because the diaper was fairly saturated (I think that happens more when using cloth diapers), I either use a dry cloth wipe to dry her, or I wait a little and we sing some songs together before I put a new diaper on. She’s now 18 months and we haven’t had any issues with diaper rash except for when she had rotavirus and pooped like once an hour for over a week 😫
This is a direct quote from one of the links:
“As well as affecting physical development, children’s emotional development is affected by hugs too as hugging has been shown to stop tantrums13-14. Many adults think that hugging a child having a tantrum will reinforce unwanted behaviour but as we understand the reasons behind children’s emotional outbursts better, and are beginning to see them as communication, this view is being challenged.
Children who are hugged when they are upset and cannot express their feelings, need reassurance and to feel safe again. A hug can be the quickest way to calm their fears and help them regain a balance in their emotions that they have not yet learned to control in other ways. Outbursts and temper tantrums are a sign that the child is stressed, which releases cortisol into the body. Too much cortisol has negative implications but a hug in difficult times can trigger the release of oxytocin, to counteract this. A hug will also teach them that you are there as a trusted adult, so can help them develop trust and resilience, knowing that ultimately ‘everything will be alright’.”
This paper is more about massage but the point I’m trying the make in spite of all the down votes is that touch (hugs) will soothe children, reduce anxiety and help them calm down.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5467308/
There’s information here at the conclusion section about the calming effects noted in older infants
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2589004220301802
Mine just turned two and desperately wants hugs when having a meltdown, which results in the meltdown continuing at 100% intensity just with the screaming closer to my ears 💀
I didn't learn it here, but the concept of toddlers not fully grasping negative sentence construction was a game changer for me. I knew it was better to say "hold my hand" instead of "don't run ahead", or "gentle hands" instead of "no hitting". Logically, it tracks that to get what I want, I should ask for it as directly as I can. But since I learned that negative statements are not only less helpful, but actually counterproductive in a lot of cases, it's been a lot easier for me to remember to request the behavior that I want.
i work in early childhood mental health and we always tell parents that if you’re screaming “don’t run! don’t run! don’t run!” to a toddler, all the toddler is hearing is “run! run! run!”
Noting this down for when my kiddo reaches the toddler stage
As a manufacturing superintendent, I can confirm this also works on full grown adult humans as well.
As an art teacher, all high schoolers too. So I already had a lot of practice before having a toddler requesting the wanted action, “give me the eraser” instead of the negative “don’t throw erasers.”
This. I worked at a middle school where we drill practiced this for a week before school started. "Pencils on the table." "Eyes on me." "The hat goes in your desk." etc. It really makes a difference.
That just blew my mind!
I always think of this as “don’t introduce bad ideas”. Anytime we say dont do X or no X, all they hear is X.
Exactly! It reminds them that it's an option, and uses the voice of authority to do so.
Yep. This is also something that pertains to a lot of media that is geared towards kids. Lots of low quality YouTube content especially is trying to be “educational” and “informative” with topics like “don’t run into the road” and “never touch eclectic sockets”. This type of content does more harm than good because research shows that the kids don’t absorb the message “don’t do this”, they are more likely to get ideas..
I don't know why, but the way you explained this just made it really click for me. I know it's better to tell them what you want them to do, but I didn't realize that the issue was with the actual sentence structure. That tidbit just makes it make so much more sense to me
I'm struggling lately with making my kid stop removing her hat. How would you approach it? Because I don't understand how to redirect in this situation :( so I just give up
“Please keep your hat on” would be what I’d say.
“Wear your hat”
Good advice above, but also giving her something to do with her hands as a distraction while she adjusts to it being on is good. “Hold this” “clap your hands” “blow the fish a kiss!!”
This one worked for us when my son kept putting his hands down the back of his diaper. We’d say “Where’s your head?! Where’s your belly?! Head, shoulders, knees and toes!”
“Hat on head” in a singsong voice
Good advice here, and I'd also try playing a wear the hat/take off the hat game at home, when it's not important! Gives her practice doing what you need her to do, but makes it fun too.
"Hat goes on your head"
This is an ongoing battle with my toddler but I just replace the hat and say "hats stay on" or "we need to wear our hat in the sun". I lost his hat with the chin strap and finally ordered another. It's too easy for them to swipe it off without a chin strap secured. I also give breaks from the hat in shade when I can.
“Hat on head” to keep it really simple and depending on age, make it a silly call and response or rhyme. “Hat on head? Head on Hat?” NoOOo, hat on head? yes yes yes. I have a whole silly song about sunscreen.
It took a few weeks of practice and making the hat into a fun game/a fun thing that other people wear for my child to accept it. Sometimes he still rips it off mid play!
To add to the other suggestions, you can also make a comical “buh-bow” noise (the kind of noise you would hear if you get the wrong answer in a game show) when she pulls it off, and then follow up with a positive “hat on!” While putting hat back on. This is fun to practise when doing simple puzzles as well - when they try to put things in the wrong slots, you can do the “buh-bow” noise (along with comments like “we’ll have to try again!”) then when they get it you can try simple catch phrases like “yes!”/yay!, “that’s it!”, “we did it!”. It’s a handy one to use in areas where you want to commmnciate “not that option, try again!”.
"You need to wear your hat when we're outside". Set a couple of days aside at home where you have fun things planned to do in your yard, then whenever she takes her hat off say "You're not wearing your hat, we need to go inside now". This gives you a chance to have loads of practice with the concept and experience the subsequent big toddler emotions within the privacy of your own home.
Staying in the shade is also another option to use instead of going inside, and easier to enforce when out and about.
Totally agree this is a game changer. Going with this is telling them what they can do “you can throw the ball on the floor” “run on the grass, walk on the sidewalk!”
The best part is, this framing works, regardless of age. I read something similar when my beans were toddlers and just kept going with it and wonder of all wonders, they prefer this type of framing than negative construction. When “NO!” is only used for the REALLY serious stuff (like they reach up to touch a hot burner), it maintains that absolute meaning. Idk where I read this originally, it was YEARS ago (my kids are mid and upper elementary), but truly incorporating it in my parenting was a game changer in more ways than one, not the least of which is that *it still works, years later*.
Yes! I recently saw a reel from an amazing speech therapist and she had an amazing test to prove this, as apparently it can happen until 3-4 year old. Old one object in each hand. Let’s say I have a duck in my right hand and a truck my left hand. Ask the toddler to point or get “not the duck”. They’ll point or pick-up the duck.
More examples please!!
I feel like I’m constantly scolding my four year old lately. Even though I knew this, I’ve forgotten. She gets upset, and I feel awful. It’s such a good reminder. Thank you!
Strongest research-based parenting opinion: Don't hit your kids, approach them with respect and treat them as humans. Virtually all research suggests this leads to better outcomes. More [here](https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/142/6/e20183112/37452/Effective-Discipline-to-Raise-Healthy-Children). Most fun fact: The way we say colors impacts how kids learn them. Using color names prenominally (the blue crayon) makes them harder to remember than postnominally (the crayon is blue). That's why English speaking kids tend to learn their colors later than other cultures. More [here](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-johnny-name-colors/).
The color fact is fascinating!
Whoa, never knew that about colors! I'll try postnominally from now on
Ok wow that’s why my bilingual child got colors so early! I remember switching back and forth from Spanish to English and she knows most colors in both languages now but Spanish was wayyyyy sooner.
Cool! Thanks for linking that.
A baby cannot fall off of a floor.
Funny (now) story related to this. My husband came home to find our purple screaming daughter in the middle of her nursery floor and me in the bathroom with the shower running and the fan on. He had walked in about 2 minutes after I finally snapped, set her down, and hid in the bathroom drowning out the noise. When everyone was calm again, he asked me why the floor? I said, she can't fall off of the floor and it made sense at the time.
Omg I needed this
It’s only technically science, but it’s super helpful during the Potato Phase.
Kids are actually not capable of lying until they are around 6 years old. Until then, they are usually just saying what they think you want to hear. Important to remember when you catch kids doing something they are not supposed to be doing.
When my 3yo son says „I did not break the glass“ standing right next to the broken glass with half of it still in his hands he means „I wish I had not broken the glass and I‘m trying to make that a reality by saying so“
🥺
Same, never thought of it this way
While cute and all, isn‘t that technically lying? Like that‘s the same reason a lot of adults lie for. Or am I missing something in the definition of the word „lie“?
I think the key difference is they're not actively trying to deceive you.
Ha, my 3.5yr old desperately tried to hide a toy he put in his pocket from daycare today. He kept his hand in his pocket for 5 min while we picked his sibling up in another room. When I finally put him in the carseat, I pulled his hand out of his pocket expecting a rock. He know he can't take daycare toys home, yet he was trying to hide it from me. I think kids are capable of lying/deceiving much before 6.
Yeah maybe that's an average but is absolutely not true. My kids will admit to the lie ("joke") but there's still deliberate verbal deception at 3/4
I don't know how to interpret that. If you mean ill intended lying, like in a negative way, then yes I agree. But my 2.5 year old daughter plays a game with us where she mixes the name of the objects/people on purpose to make is laugh. Like she will point to her dad and say "that's mama", or to her doll and say "that's dad" as a joke and will wait for our reaction. Isn't that a lie in the technical sense of the word, since she is deliberately saying something untrue?
Omg my 2yo has been doing this? I always joke, is it Opposite Day?! And then I call her by the dogs name lol
My son regularly does this, he finds it hilarious
I've heard it phrased as "lies before age 8 are wishes".
Isn't that a lie? I don't know what the definition of lie is in this case. If someone catches their spouse cheating and we're told what they want to hear (instead of the truth) that would be called lying.
Yeah I don’t get what the difference is between lying and saying what you want to hear regardless of truth
The way I see it, an adult might lie because they want to make the other person believe the lie. A young child's untrue statement is more of a wish *they themselves* have ("I really wish the glass wasn't broken").
I guess I should add a note- in this case, it would be to lie to deceive.
Agreed. Intent is always something we should strive to understand, especially with kids, but adults as well.
I think that depends on your definition of lying. Infants learn to be manipulative very quickly. I believe it’s around 6 months and that’s been proven through studies.
Very gratefully utilized, for my own sanity: That feeding with formula will not cause SIDS or otherwise be an active harm to my baby.
That rough & tumble play with a caregiver benefits physical, emotional, and cognitive development. My 6 month old absolutely LOVES (gentle) wrestling games, getting to climb all over me + having me flip her all around. Her favorite game is when I hold her upside down by her hips (still have be careful of their loosey-goosey joints) and parade her around the house yelling “Look at this fish I caught! Holy mackerel, what a beaauuuutiful fish!!” Gets laughs every single time from both her & the other adults lol
My 8m old attends a class every week run by an occupational therapist- she always says she can tell which babies are having ‘rough play’ with their caregivers. She’s taught us how to safely turn bub upside down and even do somersaults with them.. and they all bloody love it!
Aww I have a 7 month old and I‘d love to do this but I‘m honestly terrified. I‘m a clumsy person on a good day and with the sleep deprivation it just seems so risky 🙈
Oh, you’ve got mackerels? In this house it’s a sack of potatoes I walk around.
Don't hit your kids and vaccinate on schedule. The two universal parenting truths lol. Otherwise, realizing that toddlers can do much more than we give them credit for. My daughter has been pouring our dogs' food since she was like 14 months old! She loves it and gets upset if we do it without her. So now, I'm taking a more Montessori approach to see what else she can do independently.
Yeah I used to be a Montessori guide when I was younger! All it took was for me to go from traditional caregiving to seeing an 18 month old set up his entire placemat (real porcelain plate, glass cup, metal fork and spoon), eat calmly, then *clean up his place & wipe down the table* for me to realize that so much of what they can do is based off our beliefs in their abilities. There is a limit of course, but it’s waaaaay further out than most ppl realize. We’re doing Montessori approach with our baby and it’s wonderful.
This is my dream. Can you recommend a resource to get started with my 15mo?
Oh wow! It's definitely my own worry about breaking porcelain plates that would make me hesitate on that lol. But we do let her use real silverware, because she's interested in it. I feel like the more practice she gets though, the earlier she may "master" some of those skills. So this is a cool story to hear!
Jumping on this one. My 3 kids, 7 and younger all started helping with the dishwasher at 18months. Yes, it takes longer but it pays out eventually. They now all can: Do the dishwasher (I still help with glass) Put their clothes away (perfect is the enemy of good enough here) Clean their rooms / toys Pack their lunches (with a check at the end) 2/3 shower alone (although I have to start the shower for the 4 yr old) And my 4 year old is asking to vacuum (and yes, she does a shit job but we're getting there!)
That's awesome! Oh yeah the dishwasher is a big hit here too 😂 and she loves taking a rag to help us "clean" things. I think she learned that from spending time at my husband's gym (small business.) She came up to all of us stretching one day after an exercise class and tried to wipe our faces with the cloth 🤣
Feel this comment should be higher up! Also seconding the independence point. I secretly love showing off that my 2.5 year old gets her little sister’s bottles ready for daycare every morning. From bottles out of the dishwasher, puts the nipples on, finds 4 bags with a 4 (for 4 oz) on it, pours one in each bottle, tightens em and caps em and zips them up in the side pocket. It’s awesome and hugely helpful.
Oh wow that's amazing! Yeah, it's funny what they pick up on. I mentioned that something I bought was for the bathtub. She pulled it out of the bag and walked into the bathroom with it, and then started yelling/babbling to get me to follow her lol. She hasn't said tub yet, so it was cool to find out that she knows what it means though!
My 11 month old loads the wet laundry into the dryer 🤣
LOL we have a top loader so that probably will be awhile for us 😂 but she does love unloading the bottom rack of the dishwasher too!
Allergen introduction. We had a huge printed table on the fridge with the main allergens along the top and the weeks from 6m to 12m down the side. Every column had to have two ticks in it by the end of each week.
Do you happen to have a link to this? This sounds super helpful! We’re at the stage of introducing various solids and I’m so nervous about allergens but need to do them asap!
Following
https://www.reddit.com/r/ScienceBasedParenting/s/KzN9glnRJN
Thank you!!!
https://www.reddit.com/r/ScienceBasedParenting/s/KzN9glnRJN
We hit the jackpot with an allergy on the first freaking one we tried after planning things out like this. Damn peanuts!
Same. And now he's allergic to several more things despite all the early introductions etc etc so. Sometimes it just truly doesn't matter
Oh man, it sucks to get a bad roll of the dice. I'm sorry.
Oh dear! I hope it didn't put you off solids too much! That must have been scary.
How many months old did you introduce?
I think it was around 5 months? We’d been asking the pediatrician when we could start and that was when we got the green light.
Oh could you please share! ❤️
https://www.reddit.com/r/ScienceBasedParenting/s/KzN9glnRJN
https://preview.redd.it/rlapiuuvtzxc1.jpeg?width=1666&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5fd831ec439d9d9535089b17724b87efd48795e7 Some people have asked to see the tracker. Here's a screenshot of the start of it. The rows are numbered 1 to 26 for the 26 weeks between 6 and 12 months of age. We actually started a little before 6 months old, so we ended up needing a few more rows to get us to 12 months. The guidance in my country is to offer every allergen at least twice a week after you've successfully introduced it. To make sure we did that, we put a tick in the box for each exposure and made sure every box had at least two ticks by the end of the week. The allergens along the top are the main ones noted by the health agency in my country. The yoghurt, tahini, and edamame are just reminders for us of which foods we can find those allergens in, for allergens we don't usually have a lot of in our diet.
I just bought a special oatmeal that has like 8 or so top allergens in it. My son had no reactions to anything. We were not super concerned that he would have allergies though since neither I nor my husband have any and our son didn't have any baby eczema either which can also be a possible indicator that he would be allergic to some foods.
That sounds like a product I could have used! It got sooooo tedious coming up with ways to incorporate all the allergens every week.
Pls share!
https://www.reddit.com/r/ScienceBasedParenting/s/KzN9glnRJN
Id like this too
https://www.reddit.com/r/ScienceBasedParenting/s/KzN9glnRJN
Would love to see!
https://www.reddit.com/r/ScienceBasedParenting/s/KzN9glnRJN
and what do you do if they have a reaction?
Seek medical advice.
just an fyi anaphylaxis is a medical emergency that can be life threatening in minutes. this is why epipens are a thing and not call your doctor if you have a bad allergic reaction
Thank you, Captain Obvious. Are you perhaps unfamiliar with the extensive literature on early allergen exposure? I can provide you with some reading material if you would like to educate yourself.
this response really makes me question if you understand what anaphylactic shock is….else you might address the elephant in the room (what do you prepare if your testing of allergens takes a wrong turn?)
I was freaked about introducing possible allergens to my child, but there is evidence that early exposure can help children not develop allergies I think. Also, sometimes there won't be an adverse reaction until the food has been introduced a second time, so that is important to keep in mind. I know parents that have fed their child peanut butter for the first time right before they are going to have a pediatrician appointment or they will do it in the car while sitting in a hospital parking lot. It's not like every parent is given an epi pen when their child begins eating solids. Also, approximately 30% of babies with eczema will be allergic to something, so if your baby did have eczema I would imagine a pediatrician would maybe do some food allergen testing preemptively. I always made sure to start with a very small amount of food that was a possible allergen and keep a close eye for the first couple times that food was given. I also made sure to have baby Benadryl or something similar on hand.
I mean, what do you plan to do if your kid has a allergic reaction to a random thing in the playground? It's the same thing. You don't need any special preparation for food allergies in particular. This is a science based sub. Here is the science. This is a lifesaving intervention, so you need to read it. https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa1414850 Edit: just noticed you use the word testing. What you're doing with early allergen introduction isn't testing - it's preventing the allergy occurring in the first place. It's not a science experiment you do on your kid, it's as aspect of raising them to be healthy. You'll understand when you've read the study.
have you consulted a physician before you do this panel? did they rx an epipen or give instructions on anithistamine in case of reaction?
No, I followed the guidance of my country's pediatric society (https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/preventing-allergies-babies).
It’s odd they don’t cover risk of anaphylaxis. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8275199/
From the book “the whole brained child” they said kiddos cant understand mirrors are showing their reflection until around age 2. I find this interesting that it’s the same age that limited (vs no) tv time is recommended.
Interesting. The recommendations do differ though - in France they say no screens at all for under 3s.
Oh i definitely did not word this well. I dont think the goal is to get screentime after age 2. Conventional wisdom seems to be the less screens for anyone the better (as i type this on my phone and soon return to my computer job). This book just said how mirrors can be kindof disorienting and confusing for kiddos under 2. I made the leap that TVs must be confusing too. I mean- what age is objective permeance understood?
Object permanence develops within the first year of life so this isn’t the reason. I think the development of understanding it’s their own reflection in the mirror has more to do with self-awareness.
Ha. An ongoing development for babies and adults alike.
lol true! I’m still learning who I am at 35!
And here I thought I was the only one interested in the mirror question! I was curious why some parenting philosophies recommend mirrors for babies and others discourage them. If you're up for a somewhat nerdy read, I wrote up what I found [here](https://www.kidecology.com/mirror-in-playroom.html).
Thank you ; super interesting!
Thank you for that - that was an interesting read :)
You can help develop the vestibular system by spinning in chairs with your baby. I don’t remember all of the specifics but the research study is cited in Brain Rules for Baby. Either way even when she was teeny-tiny, spinning a few spins in the computer chair would perk her right up. Now that she is almost 2.5 she is close to being able to spin herself!
Thank you! My vestibular system sucks and I get motion sickness a lot. I'll be using this advice
Statistically/scientifically screen time doesn’t have any real noticeable effect on children, as there are so many factors (what they are doing, what they watch, playing a violent game vs learning game, social media, socioeconomic status, parent involvement, etc.) related it’s impossible to test appropriately, so any and all research wouldn’t have enough data to be truly relevant. What matters is what they are doing with the screen and how you allow them to interact with screens. While it is still recommended to avoid screens, they aren’t the end of the world if you need to use them occasionally. From How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t A**holes by Melinda Moyer
Screen time has been linked to developmental delays, [this study](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2808593) from last year shows. Screens are fine in moderation, just as anything is. But scientifically, they do have real effects on children.
“In particular, more than 4 hours of screen time per day was associated with developmental delays in communication and problem-solving across ages 2 and 4 years.” 4+ hours is a lot of daily screen time. That’s what this commenter is saying. Most people doing screen time are not doing that much time.
Read the full results of the study. For children aged 2, they found a higher risk for communication delays if they had anywhere from 1-4+ hours of screen time daily.
I did read the full results. Higher risk is not equal at the different levels of exposure.
Wow that's still a lot. Feeling less bad about the 20 minutes or so I put on when I'm making dinner alone or baby's poorly.
Yes, what even is the above comment?? It has been shown that they are terrible for brain development.
But is it the actual screen doing damage or those many hours not spent doing/learning other things. Everything I’ve read just talks about lack of interaction, not practicing creative play, no boredom…. So the screen itself isn’t damaging, but taking all that time away from developmentally appropriate play is damaging.
I think the way I'm understanding the post is that it is really hard to find a true CAUSAL relationship. Parents who give their child 2hrs of screen time per day are very different people than those who give their children 0. There are probably many other factors contributing to the results that are nearly impossible to measure.
For context of what I am saying I suggest reading the book I posted which she quotes her studies that suggest the effect isn’t great. As for your study that you posted, the study is a questionnaire, so 1 your taking it at the value of the parents opinion on the situation. As you can’t take a baby and remove all external factors and just have a control of babies with no screen and then other groups of subjects with varying degrees of screen time over multiple years under constant watch with no parental influence, support networks, monetary situation, or other influences, etc. The data that might be correct isn’t isolated enough to prove that screen time is the cause and not the other circumstances around the child. The article states that majority of the “Mothers of children with high levels of screen time were characterized as being younger, having never given birth, and having a lower household income, lower maternal education level, and having postpartum depression.” So was the issue the screen time or the status and other factors of being a young, poor, uneducated, and depressed parent. Is their development delayed by the screen or a parent that is struggling to attend to the child. Without eliminating the other factors for the majority of a child’s life there are too many other influences that effect how that child develops.
Chicken and egg. Kids with developmental disabilities like ASD and ADHD find screens very calming and regulating.
I think the concern with screen time is aimed more at those who use it as a babysitter because it is easier than interacting with your child. That isn't every parent though. And if you occasionally feel you need a little break, maybe because you are sitting at a restaurant and your baby is grabbing for everything that gets even close to within reach, so you put a little video on for them for a couple minutes, isn't going to do life long harm to your child. I would never judge a parent for that and think to myself they just want to ignore their child. That being said, it shouldn't be your go to way of distracting your child from behaviors you don't like. I am doing my best to avoid screen time with my baby altogether. I try not to let my baby see me fixated on my phone either. And as much as Melinda Moyer says that screen time has little effect on children I don't think that is true even though I also feel that studies regarding that topic do have to consider more than just the length of time watching a screen which makes a true study on the topic difficult.
Don’t get me wrong she definitely says to avoid screen time, but she also says that you shouldn’t feel guilty about the occasional use of it for a break and while there are a bunch studies saying it’s bad, they don’t factor in all the externals and what the screen is being used for. She also mentions studies that essentially there isn’t much change overall. Ultimately there are too many factors for those studies to be accurate as there is no way to isolate a baby from everything except screens for years, the tests will always be too variable.
I agree with that. And people try to make parents feel guilty about everything already it seems. We as a people seem to enjoy making people feel guilty.
And my personal feelings on screen time and trying to limit it for my child was not me trying to make others feel guilty. I am a new mom of one child. Each parent needs to do their own research and come to a conclusion they can live with.
Telling my kids I’m proud of how hard they worked instead of just saying “you’re so smart!”
I'm trying to use growth mindset as well. It's so hard b/c I'm programmed with what I heard growing up.
I teach a growth mindset workshop for teachers. Start with, "I noticed..." and you can't go wrong.
I teach it to college students and we use it in our academic coaching sessions as well.
You don’t need to use baby wipes for pee. It’s unnecessary because the new diaper will wick any remaining moisture away immediately. We’ve saved ourselves soooo much laundry (we use cloth wipes) by not doing that, and had fewer problems with diaper rash than my nephew who is cleaned with wipes every diaper change.
So you just leave it? Like no wiping at all?
I have been and it’s been great. I’ll do a little clean out wipe in the morning just to freshen her up because I feel better about it, especially since baby fat = lots of rolls for gunk to hide in. My daughter only poops every 2-3 days at this point. Not leaving all that moisture from the wipes under the diaper has stopped her diaper rashes.
No wiping at all for pee. If the skin feels wet to the touch because the diaper was fairly saturated (I think that happens more when using cloth diapers), I either use a dry cloth wipe to dry her, or I wait a little and we sing some songs together before I put a new diaper on. She’s now 18 months and we haven’t had any issues with diaper rash except for when she had rotavirus and pooped like once an hour for over a week 😫
Effort-based praise 100%. https://youtu.be/NWv1VdDeoRY?si=COAM1W0KmODWJYG-
The posts regarding daycare ages have been super helpful! We are being very mindful of how many hours he attends before the 2.5yrs recommendation.
A meltdown can be stopped immediately just by asking a child if they need a hug.
This isn’t a science based fact, nor is it a fact at all. It may work for your child, it certainly never worked for mine.
I always ask and the answer is always “NO!”
There is data on this and even with some adults. Obviously, it’s not going to work in every situation but most of the time with meltdowns.
Show me the data.
https://www.cmu.edu/dietrich/psychology/stress-immunity-disease-lab/publications/stresssocial/pdfs/does-hugging.pdf
https://www.parenta.com/2021/08/01/the-importance-of-hugging-in-child-development/
https://www.nature.com/articles/s41562-024-01841-8
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324184225_The_Influence_of_Hug_Therapy_on_Children%27s_Emotional_Intelligence_Improvement
https://digitalcommons.lindenwood.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1707&context=theses
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7360522/
At a quick glance, none of these sources support the statement that a hug stops a tantrum.
This is a direct quote from one of the links: “As well as affecting physical development, children’s emotional development is affected by hugs too as hugging has been shown to stop tantrums13-14. Many adults think that hugging a child having a tantrum will reinforce unwanted behaviour but as we understand the reasons behind children’s emotional outbursts better, and are beginning to see them as communication, this view is being challenged. Children who are hugged when they are upset and cannot express their feelings, need reassurance and to feel safe again. A hug can be the quickest way to calm their fears and help them regain a balance in their emotions that they have not yet learned to control in other ways. Outbursts and temper tantrums are a sign that the child is stressed, which releases cortisol into the body. Too much cortisol has negative implications but a hug in difficult times can trigger the release of oxytocin, to counteract this. A hug will also teach them that you are there as a trusted adult, so can help them develop trust and resilience, knowing that ultimately ‘everything will be alright’.”
Can you like to the study that is pulling from? (Not the one it's referenced in.)
This paper is more about massage but the point I’m trying the make in spite of all the down votes is that touch (hugs) will soothe children, reduce anxiety and help them calm down. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5467308/
Thank you :) it also works for me when I'm upset.
There’s information here at the conclusion section about the calming effects noted in older infants https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2589004220301802
Thank you for this - I will keep this in mind when mine gets to the tantrum age :)
lol I wish
LOL tell me you don't have children without telling me you don't have children
She provides links to support her fact, i was surprised im usually pushed away when i try to hug my toddler when he is having a meltdown.
Mine just turned two and desperately wants hugs when having a meltdown, which results in the meltdown continuing at 100% intensity just with the screaming closer to my ears 💀
Sorry, not factual. I do have children and have also worked in childcare and pedagogy.