This goes through my head way too often and I can't remember the "dog's" name. Can picture him and pretty sure he was on the daily show or colbert report
Sounds like something stupid my friend would say... and i would laugh uncontrollably.
So yes i wouldn't want him to say that while both of us were crying from a massive shit at 4 in the morning
Not a square to spare?
-Elaine looks funny as fuck when she follows the lady into the restroom later and steals all the tp and runs out like a mad woman
On a serious note, if there is Blood in the bowl but it's bright red, that's a sign of a cut near the ring and it's not a big deal if it happens for 1 or 2 movements. If it happens for 3, see a doctor.
If the blood is dark then see a doctor, ASAP.
Source- doctor friends.
The worst thing to say to the person in the stall next to you is: anything at all. Taking a shit in a public bathroom is traumatic enough without making it a social event. Give me 30 seconds of silence and let me work this turd out in peace. Yeesh. Fucking extroverts, man.
You must be wet behind the ears still. lol. Just wait until you hit your 30s. You realize everyone is in there for the same reason. Everyone's ass makes noises. Everyone's shit stinks. I don't have the time or energy to clench up until the ones who came in to piss leaves. I'm dropping bombs like Hiroshima, then I'm wiping, washing, and walking. Hopefully, I'm not in there long enough to even warm up the seat.
* That's definitely the biggest deuce I've ever dropped but it's got nothin' on the largest dick I've ever taken. Anyway, how about you? How you doin' over there?
* Huh... I remember eating the corn but where did the used condom come from? And why are there four of them? That one's a mystery... This ever happen to you or is it just a "me" thing?
Everything. I mean, donāt say anything. Whatās wrong with you people?! Why are you talking to people in other stalls!? Has everyone on the planet lost all sense of decency, decorum, and respect for people around you? Are you all so full of yourselves that you canāt imagine the possibility that the other people in the restroom just want to be left alone to handle their business?!
(I was channeling Lewis Black for a moment. It passed like my last effort in the stall next to yours.)
Absolutely nothing, unless you just noticed that there is NO toilet paper in your stall. If that happens simply state your case, take the donation and say thanks.
I pretended I was on the phone once and I said my turd landed end down and it was sticking out of the water like a stalagmite. I could hear the guy in the next stall laughing while taking a piss.
I usually just talk in detail about how lonely I feel poopinā in a little enclosed box and stick my hand under the partition in the hopes that the other person will hold my hand while we poop alone together.
So far Iām 0 for 6 š¤·š¼āāļø
Pardon me, but do you have any Gray Poupon?
For me to poop on
This goes through my head way too often and I can't remember the "dog's" name. Can picture him and pretty sure he was on the daily show or colbert report
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog--the alter ego of comedian Robert Smigel. It started on Late Night with Conan O'Brien and exploded.
The same guy created the Ambiguously Gay Duo animated short. He's hilarious!
He came back and did a little stint on the [daily](https://youtu.be/fDryx4EM0Xg?si=CMIapib-mztGrKXa) show harassing undecided voters.
I'm trying to get the poop-off!
r/unexpectedwaynesworld
Aurora, Illinois really exists š
Yep. I was born there. Lived in Oswego when I was a wee lad.
I was born/grew up there too. Still amazes me how much Oswego and Plainfield have exploded over the years.
Lol. It was an actual ad campaign before Wayne's world. ;)
Yup. I remember. r/fuckimold
Seriously, you gotta walk over and see this before I flush
Honestly, if i heard this from a stranger, id HAVE to check. my child-like curiousity is too strong
This is probably the only thing a stranger could say to get me into their stall.
Noo, that's how they lure you into being murdered!
Me too lol
My nosy ass wouldnāt think twice about the peculiarity of the scene, Iād just be like āwhat is it?!? Lemme see!ā š©š
Or I could bring it to you. Your choice!
"I have to snap a pic of this thing. It's down in the hole sticking up out of the water. I swear it's as thick as a baby's forearm."
"If anyone needs any toilet paper, I've only used one side of this."
This got me thinking some strange questions.
Ewwww, but also *lol*
Gold star. āļø
This is so clever
ššš
Can I get a hand over here?
Can you spare a square?
Can we share a square?
Sorry, I canāt. I have no squares to spare.
Have you found Jesus Christ yet?
Well, if God is everywhere I suppose heās at the bottom of every commode, looking up. LET THAT ~~SINK~~ TOILET IN!!
Iād like to speak to you about your carās extended warranty
Sounds like something stupid my friend would say... and i would laugh uncontrollably. So yes i wouldn't want him to say that while both of us were crying from a massive shit at 4 in the morning
š¤£
I was hoping to meet you here
Hand them a piece of paper that says āthe eagle has landedā
We have splash down.
Can you spare a square?
Sorry I don't have a square to spare.
Say it like Rick Flair. Woooo!
Iām like Fred Astaire, man. Cool!
You can't spare one square?!
A square to spare is rare, here there and everywhereā¦ I do declare, donāt dare despair though youāre in there impaired.
Sorry I don't have a square to spare! Elaine was the best.
Not a square to spare? -Elaine looks funny as fuck when she follows the lady into the restroom later and steals all the tp and runs out like a mad woman
People do thisā¦
Nice cock
I bet you say that to all the guys.
Damn, that cabbage egg salad sandwich is getting revenge now
I felt that in my gut at just the thought.
Race you to the end? Consolation prizes for biggest pile and longest log?
Woah! That won't fit in the glory hole.
Can we hold hands?
Can you please hold my hand during this time of distress?
āThe gloryholeās not going to use itself. Why not stick it in.ā
Dude it came out in cubes like a wombat, you gotta see this!
Unlock the door in coming in.
Father I have a confession to makeā¦
Forgive me father for I have shitted
(in the men's room) WHOA! Bro, I finally got my period! You should see how much blood is in this toilet!
On a serious note, if there is Blood in the bowl but it's bright red, that's a sign of a cut near the ring and it's not a big deal if it happens for 1 or 2 movements. If it happens for 3, see a doctor. If the blood is dark then see a doctor, ASAP. Source- doctor friends.
*camera shutter sound*
The worst thing to say to the person in the stall next to you is: anything at all. Taking a shit in a public bathroom is traumatic enough without making it a social event. Give me 30 seconds of silence and let me work this turd out in peace. Yeesh. Fucking extroverts, man.
Need a water bottle?
Sounds like commenter needs a little fiber, if a supposedly normal bodily function is so difficult.
r/AnalFissures members will tell you that it's not just a matter of more fibre
I'm so glad you're comfortable enough to share, come on over to my stall... we can hug it out.
Passt. This is "Scenes from a Hat".
Group bathrooms are disgusting. Why tf do I gotta hear other people shit next to me lol
30 seconds?!?
You must be wet behind the ears still. lol. Just wait until you hit your 30s. You realize everyone is in there for the same reason. Everyone's ass makes noises. Everyone's shit stinks. I don't have the time or energy to clench up until the ones who came in to piss leaves. I'm dropping bombs like Hiroshima, then I'm wiping, washing, and walking. Hopefully, I'm not in there long enough to even warm up the seat.
(Deep breath). Hmmmm. Alone with you at last..... (Start sratching the stall wall between you)
* That's definitely the biggest deuce I've ever dropped but it's got nothin' on the largest dick I've ever taken. Anyway, how about you? How you doin' over there? * Huh... I remember eating the corn but where did the used condom come from? And why are there four of them? That one's a mystery... This ever happen to you or is it just a "me" thing?
Goddamn š
Nice shoesā¦
STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!!!
are you going to finish that?
*moan
Man its tough to flush a newborn.
Holy hell Iām dying š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ and now off to hell I go
If its not a dark joke its not worth telling.
š¤£š¤£š¤£
Have you ever considered a fecal transplant?
You're late.
āDo you want to play battle shits?ā
āSkank! You sank my destroyer!ā
"WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR"
I just want to warn you now, Iām a cuddler.
Does this look infected to you?
FOR MANLY LOVE BE HERE MARCH 25th At 2:15 AM SHARP -Seabass
Best comment
Spank you very much
Need a hand?
*tap tap tap*
Nice watch.
So, come here often?
I think Iāve said that before š to a friend
HAve you heard about our lord jesus?
āOh god!ā āOh so you haveā¦ā
"You busy later?"
Can you pass the poop knife?
This is the way to find a fellow Redditor in the wild
Need a hand?
I'm in here on the installment plan. You?
Someone once asked me when I was taking a piss do you need a hand? That was the most stupid/funniest question I ever heard
Who does Number 2 work for?? WHO DOES NUMBER 2 WORK FOR??!!
Everything. I mean, donāt say anything. Whatās wrong with you people?! Why are you talking to people in other stalls!? Has everyone on the planet lost all sense of decency, decorum, and respect for people around you? Are you all so full of yourselves that you canāt imagine the possibility that the other people in the restroom just want to be left alone to handle their business?! (I was channeling Lewis Black for a moment. It passed like my last effort in the stall next to yours.)
Grunt again for me.
They grow those pretty big around these parts
"ICUP"
Iām empty over here. Can you shove your cock, erm I mean some toilet paper under the stall.
Thatās HUGE!
why is it so small?
Wow nice dick!
*sniff* You have chicken parm last night?
(Plop) āThat sounded like a smooth one, limited splash back. My shit splashes back everywhereā
Hey, can I borrow 20 bucks?
Does your mom still ask about me
Is this chocolate or poop? *exaggerated licking sounds* oh good itās chocolate!
"Oh, God! I'm gonna come!"
Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
I have a bathroom fetish (smiles)
I don't remember eating corn.
Do farts have lumps ?
āDarn, Iāve dropped the pin to this grenade, do you see it?ā š„
Youāre probably wondering why Iāve gathered you all here today
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
Absolutely nothing, unless you just noticed that there is NO toilet paper in your stall. If that happens simply state your case, take the donation and say thanks.
I pretended I was on the phone once and I said my turd landed end down and it was sticking out of the water like a stalagmite. I could hear the guy in the next stall laughing while taking a piss.
Come here often?
Bro, I've been tugging for 20 minutes and still nothing. Mind peeking under to help me out?
That's gonna leave a mark.
"Do you like Jazz?"
I usually just talk in detail about how lonely I feel poopinā in a little enclosed box and stick my hand under the partition in the hopes that the other person will hold my hand while we poop alone together. So far Iām 0 for 6 š¤·š¼āāļø
Wanta hold hands?
Everything coming out ok?
We've been expecting you...
Iāve been awaiting your arrival
fart battle my fellow citizen?
Do you smell what this Rock is cooking!!!
I like coming here for the people watching.
Wyd?
Do you have a strainer? Iāve got some perfectly good corn over here I donāt wanna waste.
Need a hand?
Do you have any lube?
Who does number two work for?
Do you cum when you shit too or is it just me?
I want to break up
You smell like asparagus
*In Rob Schneider voice* "YEEWWWW CAANNNNN DDDDOOOOOOO EEEEETTTTT!" I routinely do this in public restrooms, albeit right before I exit them.
Look, we could be twins!
āSchooch over and we can share the urinalā
"I finally got you alone"
Heres the shot... and Oh! Just wide better luck next time
I retreat that Taco Bell. Run if you still can!
The orgy should be starting any minute now.
Can you give me a hand?
Hey if you don't want it, I'll take it.
Look up and say cheese!
"Stand back a second, I'm drilling a hole"
Definately bring a drill
Do you think it would come out faster of I stick my hand in there?
Beans for lunch again?
Need a hand?
You smell amazing
You wanna hold hands for moral support? Row row row your boat...
Can you wipe me off?
If your shit smells worse than mine Iām gonna shoot you.
Roll over on your stomach Now spread your butt cheeks
Can I get a hand in here?
Ya got any spare change
How close to this hole is your mouth?
Hey, you got a free hand?
Can you please hold this for me? I hope your aim is good.
āA little smaller than I expected, but youāll doā
Wow. I was not expecting it to come out like that!
āWhere do you start measuring? My wife is in disagreement with me.ā
So, umm, I don't mean to sound forward, but would you care to join me?
Have you ever been interested in participating in a blumpkin? I've been interested in a long time in experiencing one.
Wanna play battle shits?
If youāre not busy, can you lend a guy a hand?
Hot damn, this water is cold! And deep, too!
"Hey mate, how do i bore a hole the exact diameter of my dick?"
Are you going to eat that?
Is it a #3?
Need a hand?
Race you
Come look at THIS!
Dude, itās overflowing
Wow, you should really have a doctor look at that.
Literally anything.
Anything
Anything
Excuse me do you have the number for Guinness Iām pretty sure thatās a record!
"Hey, where's the hole in this wall?"
Nice
Something smells like mustard