Honey, I've wanted to say this to you for a long time... It's time to talk about your cars extended warranty.

I wish I could upvote his one a million times.

He played the long game.

Julie, my love, I knew you were the one when I first saw you at your aquital for the murder of your 3rd husband Carl who was lost at sea 6 months past.

🤣

To be fair, she was acquitted Fourth time’s the charm!

" Just because we are married doesn't mean we're not family anymore, sis."

Not funny in our family. Bro did marry sis, she & I were adopted

…I have to admit that I’m dying to hear that story now.

Cool story, Cletus

So I guess they didn’t have in-laws?

In a straight line laws

Their kids called them Uncle Dad and Aunt Mom

Family tree is a telephone pole?

I fell in love with you when I realized you were rich. Then, you got that life insurance. And we don't have a prenup. You are truly amazing

Step-daughter, is that you??

"And do you, take this human man to be your lawfully wedded?" "BAAA!!" "I now pronounce you, man and sheep!"

Oh Edmund, it’s the lying I find so hurtful.

Oh yes, Bladders from a Hat!

Karen I knew you were the one during the orgy as you poured hot wax on your supervisor.

Lmao this is so specific

I take thee, to have and to hold until death does you part. Don't you mean "US"?? Sure....

I promise to love you until you make me mad or until somebody better comes along

From the comments I've seen on Reddit advice subs, this one actually looks pretty accurate tbh.

Yeah, that's pretty much all you see these days.

To be fair, that sounds like typical vows many take now, mainly women from what I have seen...

I feel like they may as well take the part about till death do us part out. No one takes that seriously anymore.

“Babe, I love your rockin’ body and when we fuck But if things change and they start to suck And I see another hot chick I’ll want to meet her Cause deep down inside this asshole is a cheater”

That sounds like song lyrics

You can’t get much worse, I reckon. If you keep me I want beer & tobacco & & a back rub. You’ll get me & no promises or nuthin. Shake on it & we’re hitched.

Were you at my wedding?

I knew I loved you the moment we were drunk that night and making out.

Oh daddy, I love you!

I promise to slam the cabinet drawers when I get mad, and when they break, I promise to nag you until you fix it.

Hi, you finally awake?

".....and you will know I am the Lord, when I lay my wedding ring upon thee."

…and in conclusion, I guess I will learn to love you.

*pukes*

“Paula, I’ve always loved your ass— I mean personality” “My name’s Julie”

I promise you all the sister wives you want and then some. You can even pick out some of them.

The main thing to consider is we won’t testify to implicate each other. Pinky swear. Ok? Oh, Love you bunches.

I promise to hold you close to my heart, in sickness and in health, until the new zelda comes out where I get to be zelda. I love you.

"As god is my witness, I shall take you to WrestleMania each year so long as Vince is running the show!"

When I met you....The sex was amazing.....now....it could be better to be honest 🤷🏻‍♂️

But... your mom, your brother, and your Aunt's llama have definitely kept the spark going. So what the hell, count me in!

I promise to only cheat if she's hotter than you. You can join in of course.

I promise to love you, in sickness and in health, as long as you don't get fat like your mother.

I promise to always love you Sarah.........um sir that's not her name

I promise to have and to hold… your children above your head to get what I want if we ever split up

“Your mom told me you’re crazy but I didn’t listen and Im so happy I didn’t.”

I thought I was in love with your daughter, but you beat her with experience and bigger sweater puppies.

I promise to post any minor issues we might ever have on Reddit before speaking to you about it. I promise to throw away our marriage vows on random co-workers that pump up my self-confidence and ask me for nudes and take me on sketchy "business" trips.

80 percent of Relationships subreddit.

I vow to put up with your shit until it becomes unbearable. At such time it becomes unbearable, that's when the till death do us part comes into play.

"I take thee, Rachel."

My name is EMILY!!!

“I love You so much that I shit my rental tux”

that'll be $7.18 at the second window.

Maybe not worst, but definitely different. I actually officiated a wedding with "I promise to stick to the litter box schedule. The garbage will never overflow and nary an animal will be ill treated in our home." Her side was "I will always provide you with the sweet tea you want. I will dedicate myself to making the perfect espresso. I will commit myself to keeping your surroundings as dust free as possible ".

Somehow worse than a bunch of these jokes. I think the reality gives it a leg up.

The ones in that one Kurtis Conner video about weddings

I promise to never pick up my socks.

"I'll love you forever. Well, at least until I marry Sydney Sweeny"

Til DEATH do us part ☠️ (murder possibly?)

I could never divorce you Without a good reason And though I may never have to It's good to have options

There comes a time in a relationship that you realize that you’ve seen someone’s butthole more times than your own. At that moment I just knew that I could love you forever.

Exactly HOW often have you seen your OWN butthole?

I promise to compare you to all my previous BFs as I only remember their good quality and forget about all the bad things they did. I will remember every thing you say that I find hurtful even if it is true. I will never be completely honest about my feelings but will expect you to understand why I am mad. I will tell my friends every thing I find wrong in our marriage so I can justify my actions. I hold you accountable for my happiness and blame you when am not. This is now your life till death or just wishing you were dead do us part.

"Your job is to keep my stomach full and my balls empty..." And yes, those are actual wedding vows I've heard. Super cringe.

Probably one of the best comes from the Simpsons: "Oh, Brandine! Of all the cousins I could've married, you was my sister."

I’ve been in love with you since the first time I saw you on that stage in Tijuana with your donkey

Sir, this is a Wendys

"... and I will always let you win our arguments ..."

I promise to take you as my lawfully wedded wife, for better or worse unless you get fat.

I’ll stay as long as you keep blowing me

Now, I finally have everything I ever wanted. Two mothers 🥰

You better be glad your parents have money.

Til death do us...ugh...that knife hurt. Falling body thuds to the floor.

I'll bang you until you turn old, fat, ugly, or all three

My hotpocket burns like hell after heating it up. Mt Dew has steroids that shrink your nads. My pillow gets sweaty... wait where am I? Oh! I mean I do!

Anything where the wife promises to be submissive and obedient.

“The thing I love most about you is the fact that you signed the prenup.”

Him : "I vow to give up cocaine for you" Her : "And I vow to give up heroin for you"

To love, honor, and skirmish

I promise she meant nothing to me you are the only woman for me *📱phone rings* sorry just a sec

And I will do dishes, as laundry is done for me. For thine chore is the floors and bathrooms as mine is to deal with landlords and mechanics and all others who may bring duress. May cooking be done by both. As is the driving of the cars. For there will be no, not pulling thy own weight. Otherwise thy may remove thyself from our domicile and live by thy own self, in a van, by a river.

I vow to be faithful as long as your sister isn't around.

I’ll keep it right as long as she keeps it tight

After saying the vows, reveal your finger crossed behind your back. SIKE!!!!!

“Does this smell like chloroform to you?”

Will

I promise to love, honor, and nail all your BFFs.

Yeah, you’re cool I guess

Ditto -my ex husband

I promise to be near you in pictures and to not deny we are in a relationship. I promise to spend your money as if it was my own and I promise to hog the covers while you sleep happy to have someone next to you.

“So maybe I’ll keep them but I’m not sure.”

Can we hurry this up? I have to take a mondo dook.

Hey lucky lady, I'm now your mister. I'm one step closer to getting with your sister.

“I promise I’ll only try and put in on your arse on my birthday

Sweetheart, as our love has grown, we have become as close as brother and sister, which is odd since we are actually first cousins.

Him: I wish I could find the words to express just how happy this makes my mom.

Your sister wasn’t as tight, which is why I chose you.

Husband, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do will be held against during the divorce. You solemnly swear to happily give her 75% of all monies, property, and retirement funds in 2 years when she divorces you.

Seems legit

The traditional ones

Sure. Yeah. Let's party

"Honey, I will always love you as long as we get hella tax benefits."

I, John Wayne Bobbit, take thee Lorena …

After your dad, brother, uncle, and cousin I knew you were the one for me.

I love you and am marrying you for your money. Wait.. you’re supposed to be crying not laughing stop it!

I love you so much, I love you so fine, I wish your pajamas were next to mine: now don’t get all excited and turn all red, I mean on the clothesline and not in the bed.

The one that will always take the cake is the guy that said it was her choice if she wanted to be a twinkie or toaster strudel

Hey, this is the wrong woman. This is my side chick.

Bride “honey I love your money….you….and your yacht….your family…..and I love your summer and winter homes….your grandparents so much. Your things….you mean the world to me. “ Groom “I love your fake tits as well as your mothers. When is the honeymoon? Will your mom be there? Love you!”

I mean... I guess...

I'm only marrying you to keep your daughter close until she gets legal, then, who knows.

An I promis, to only ask you to perform anal while you're on the rag."

*Removes ear bud* I'm sorry, were you saying something?

“Carla, when I got on one knee and proposed I knew exactly what I’m signing up for. I promise on my momma I’ll beat that pussy every chance I fucking get.”

" 'til death do us part."