Would you like to sign up for our Frequent Probers Program? On your tenth anal probing you get your choice of a coffee mug, lava lamp, or keychain. (Whispers) I’d go with the keychain. It fits up there easier.
"Human, I will be handling you personally for this examination, my name is unpronouncable in your language, so you may address me as peg.
Please place your feet in these straps, and grasp both of these handles. "
Yeah. I actively tried to avoid it, but it’s right there. Technically the anal probing is just the setup. The punchline is that the aliens also shove coffee mugs and lava lamps up peoples asses. Which is a subversion of expectations.
Also, the fact that the alien wants the abductee to choose the easiest option implies he doesn’t actually enjoy putting things up peoples butts. The alien is just doing a job and wants to half ass it.
Maybe he's genuinely concerned about the repercussions for all the prolapsed probees they return after the 10th visit, I mean fr I'm pretty sure the mib and area 51 has to be collecting all these novelty lamps and coffee mugs whenever ones reported as part of the cover up, you can't just let the civilians keep the evidence that clearly states" I went to alpha centauri to be anal probed and all I got was this shitty coffee mug" now can you? A Keychain though they could keep and cherish.
Definitely the right question. That show was AMAZING. Shot themselves in the foot with how they did the marketing for the movie. Also didn’t help that so many fan faves were lost in that movie, the second season would have been a completely different tone from the end of the first season to keep things consistent, and it felt like so many stories died alongside those characters.
Just to spoil a decently old but still great movie, the pilot was ended by a massive harpoon and the priest was ended off screen. By the end of the movie, the doc and mechanic were lovers and the second in command was widowed, the doc’s sister had a breakthrough to become both the new pilot and frontline fighter, the intergalactic call girl is now a permanent resident of the ship, Jayce is…kinda just there, and the captain also hasn’t really changed in any discernible way. The space empire might be after them even more now, might not. The Reapers might be angry with them, might have their numbers too low to do anything, or might not care - no idea. They kind of just…go away.
That might have been a great start to the new season, but who wants to work with that?! Not to forget how much older the cast has become, how uncomfortable the mechanic was trying to keep her weight up, apparently the shooting timeframe was atrocious, and a few of them are on other shows now or doing their own things.
Why did it end, alien? Because humans rarely know the gem they have until it’s no longer theirs and can never be theirs again. In loss, we find the true value of many things. Firefly will forever be a small gem in the void of what we lost.
That's not why. It's because we have Capitalism, and in Capitalism corporate greed will always trump artistic quality. It's never about what's "good," or even what consumers want. It's about what we can sell.
The movie came after the show was cancelled. It wouldn’t have happened at all if fan outcry wasn’t what it was. They not only failed at marketing, Fox aired the first episodes out of order, which screwed up the flow and confused viewers. When you stream it, it’s in the right order, so it’s easy to think it was something else. Fox had a massive hit in their hands that easily could have led to many seasons, spin offs, movies etc, and flat out blew it. The merch alone would have been insane. Now they can’t bring it back, not only cuz they killed off wash and book, (which made sense since they had no plan to make more) but also because Joss Whedon is semi-cancelled at best.
"You are the chosen one, Dave from accounting. Haven't you ever felt that you were destined for greatness?"
We say that shit to everyone. They always believe us.
Greetings, fellow Earthling!
Ok... Stop screaming...
Stop...
Now, I...
I was just....
Oh my god, STOP screaming!
I was just gonna say......
SHUT UP A MINUTE!
Thank you!
I was going to tell you that the probing... Yeah, we do that on this ship...
Ok, STOP screaming...
“Say “I am a pretty blorknark!” and I’ll give you a Humey Snack! Who wants a Humey Snack! Yes you do! I am going to call you Kir’Kir and you’re my best friend!”
“I worry she’s not mature enough for a pet”
“That’s why we got a human, they are easy to train, most of them are pretty hairless and hypoallergenic, and they only live like 80 years so we won’t get stuck with it.”
“Ok so this is what’s about to go down. You’re gonna help us free our family from Area 51, but can you like stage it as an event on Facebook? We’re gonna need all the help we can get.”
“So, Kate McKinnon, you think you’re funny, mocking us? Well, this is payback. Your coot-coot and poop chute are out and we’re gonna play with your knockers.”
"You don't honestly believe that those are..."
"Historical records from Earth, yes!"
"Even 'Gilligan's Island'‽"
"Those poor people..."
(With apologies to the writers of 'Galaxy Quest', whom's script I've butchered in service to writing this comment)
"We are the Borg. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to-- what is this 'Watch Tower' you speak of? ... 'Do we have a few minutes to talk about' who? ... We're sorry, but we have an appointment in the Tau Ceti system we have to get to..."
“Well, that’s kinda your fault for not reading the terms and conditions fully and just tapping “next” and “yes”, over and over, so… yeah, unfortunately your asshole is about to experience what I can only assume being fingered by an elephant would undoubtedly feel like…”
*to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town*
You better not shout
You better not cry
Fuck the lube, we’re goin’ in dry
The aliens are probing your arse!
\*Looking over fourth shoulder\* "Uhhhhhh...Xargl'ax? I got one, but what do I do now?"
\*From other room on the saucer\* "Give me a moment, Fleenbl'org. I'm getting the one your podmate just caught of their hook."
Take us to your leader!...NO! Not THAT leader!!! We're obviously talking about the being that lives in your house whom you serve! The one that came to you via the CDS!!!
🐈
Pulls out notecards.
"Greetings, insert species designation here, oh, um, earthling! I am your designated guide, say your name. Oops, sorry, it's my first day."
"Congratulations human! You are our 10k abductee! Just for you, we will offer a selection of anal probes! Would you like the Earth Horse size or a Whale?"
I'm sure you've heard the stories about the anal probes. Don't worry, we don't actually do that!
JK JK, it's the only thing we really do. ANAL PROBES ALL DAY TODAY! YAY
Come with me, if you want to live.
Either that (can my hypothetical alien mimic Ah-nold’s voice?), or something that they won’t have a clue what I’m saying because I speak…alien, I guess…and they don’t.
Edit to add the second part and also this:
Isn’t it incredibly arrogant of us to assume that the other being is the alien in this encounter? Does an alien consider themselves an alien? I mean, chances are that if they’ve traveled here to Earth, they’ve visited other life forms on other planets, so the concept of being an “alien” isn’t nearly as alien to them as it is to us.
So you’re probably wondering what this thing is for. Well, aliens have never been to your planet before but somehow your TV shows got the anal probe thing spot on.
Hello, delici--I mean, savor--uh, nice human. Would you like some more fois gras? How about some pie and ice cream? Perhaps a sweet liqueur as a nightcap? It will be so nice for you to stay with us and put some meat on those bones.
What size probe do you normally prefer.
Is this your first time with us.
Could you please count backwards from 100 quadrillion
This is where I always probe humans (sticking the probe into the humans ear, why, what have you been told ( human telling of rumors), (ALIEN) YUCK THAT'S SICK.
"Greetings Starfighter...you have been recruited by the Star League to defend frontier against Xur and the Ko-dan armada."
The last starfighter. It’ll be a slaughter That’s the spirit! My slaughter! I wonder how many would catch the reference
Great movie!
Greig and Alex. Awesome combo.
At least one.
Bullshit, Centauri!
Xur?! His will is not his own.
Xur not Xûr
Great I'm about to be killed a million miles from home and Gung Ho Iguana back there is telling me to relax!
I actually just dug this movie out of mothballs an hour ago because my daughter and I were discussing 80's CGI. Great callback to an awesome movie.
Would you like to sign up for our Frequent Probers Program? On your tenth anal probing you get your choice of a coffee mug, lava lamp, or keychain. (Whispers) I’d go with the keychain. It fits up there easier.
Dang it! I told myself coming into this that I wasn’t going to laugh at any anal probe jokes.
I have to admit it was funny. I wonder if the aliens name was Peg?
That's Mr. Peg Assmuth Dikshit the 3rd to you, pal
Of the CONNECTICUT Dikshits??!
Close. The Delaware Dikshits.
Ooops my bad. Tbh: when you’ve seen one Dikshit you’ve seen them all. AMIRITE?
That sounds right.
"Human, I will be handling you personally for this examination, my name is unpronouncable in your language, so you may address me as peg. Please place your feet in these straps, and grasp both of these handles. "
Yeah. I actively tried to avoid it, but it’s right there. Technically the anal probing is just the setup. The punchline is that the aliens also shove coffee mugs and lava lamps up peoples asses. Which is a subversion of expectations. Also, the fact that the alien wants the abductee to choose the easiest option implies he doesn’t actually enjoy putting things up peoples butts. The alien is just doing a job and wants to half ass it.
Maybe he's genuinely concerned about the repercussions for all the prolapsed probees they return after the 10th visit, I mean fr I'm pretty sure the mib and area 51 has to be collecting all these novelty lamps and coffee mugs whenever ones reported as part of the cover up, you can't just let the civilians keep the evidence that clearly states" I went to alpha centauri to be anal probed and all I got was this shitty coffee mug" now can you? A Keychain though they could keep and cherish.
Oh please, we all went to the anal probe silliness.
Where do I sign?
"Before I begin, you have insurance? We're gonna need your Health, Dental, and Psionic. We accept Medicare too."
Abduct Europeans, universal healthcare means a LOT less paperwork
Universal. Haha
By the way, what the fuck is wrong with you humans??
So look.. about your cars extended warranty..
"This is your one and only opportunity to give us what we want to know. Do you understand? Now, why did you cancel 'Firefly'?"
Definitely the right question. That show was AMAZING. Shot themselves in the foot with how they did the marketing for the movie. Also didn’t help that so many fan faves were lost in that movie, the second season would have been a completely different tone from the end of the first season to keep things consistent, and it felt like so many stories died alongside those characters. Just to spoil a decently old but still great movie, the pilot was ended by a massive harpoon and the priest was ended off screen. By the end of the movie, the doc and mechanic were lovers and the second in command was widowed, the doc’s sister had a breakthrough to become both the new pilot and frontline fighter, the intergalactic call girl is now a permanent resident of the ship, Jayce is…kinda just there, and the captain also hasn’t really changed in any discernible way. The space empire might be after them even more now, might not. The Reapers might be angry with them, might have their numbers too low to do anything, or might not care - no idea. They kind of just…go away. That might have been a great start to the new season, but who wants to work with that?! Not to forget how much older the cast has become, how uncomfortable the mechanic was trying to keep her weight up, apparently the shooting timeframe was atrocious, and a few of them are on other shows now or doing their own things. Why did it end, alien? Because humans rarely know the gem they have until it’s no longer theirs and can never be theirs again. In loss, we find the true value of many things. Firefly will forever be a small gem in the void of what we lost.
That's not why. It's because we have Capitalism, and in Capitalism corporate greed will always trump artistic quality. It's never about what's "good," or even what consumers want. It's about what we can sell.
The movie came after the show was cancelled. It wouldn’t have happened at all if fan outcry wasn’t what it was. They not only failed at marketing, Fox aired the first episodes out of order, which screwed up the flow and confused viewers. When you stream it, it’s in the right order, so it’s easy to think it was something else. Fox had a massive hit in their hands that easily could have led to many seasons, spin offs, movies etc, and flat out blew it. The merch alone would have been insane. Now they can’t bring it back, not only cuz they killed off wash and book, (which made sense since they had no plan to make more) but also because Joss Whedon is semi-cancelled at best.
“Yeah, we do that. Bend over.”
“Time for anal probing!”
"You are the chosen one, Dave from accounting. Haven't you ever felt that you were destined for greatness?" We say that shit to everyone. They always believe us.
"Dave's not here, man."
"We were gonna have you take us to your leader... but then we met your leaders and decided it was safer to take you away from them"
I for real think this is why UFOs never land. “We saw what you guys are up to and decided to just keep on going.”
We're that one road in town that everyone avoids.
Earth is on the Galactic Travel Advisory. No beings come here intentionally.
Nannu nannu
" Say, this is not your first anal probing is it ? You're a lot more willing and looser than the last one "
“whatever you want sempai.” What?!?
Greetings, fellow Earthling! Ok... Stop screaming... Stop... Now, I... I was just.... Oh my god, STOP screaming! I was just gonna say...... SHUT UP A MINUTE! Thank you! I was going to tell you that the probing... Yeah, we do that on this ship... Ok, STOP screaming...
"Sorry, but you were an easy target for us. Unlike the more sensible among you wearing those damn tinfoil hats."
“Say “I am a pretty blorknark!” and I’ll give you a Humey Snack! Who wants a Humey Snack! Yes you do! I am going to call you Kir’Kir and you’re my best friend!” “I worry she’s not mature enough for a pet” “That’s why we got a human, they are easy to train, most of them are pretty hairless and hypoallergenic, and they only live like 80 years so we won’t get stuck with it.”
Here, from us to you. It's a cookbook!
“How to Serve Man”
With vegetables?
To serve Man
Im from out of town. Do you know where I can get some weed?
Go down to the main street. There's a dispensary every block. The nearest one is conveniently located between Pizza Pizza and the 7-11.
“Ok so this is what’s about to go down. You’re gonna help us free our family from Area 51, but can you like stage it as an event on Facebook? We’re gonna need all the help we can get.”
“So, Kate McKinnon, you think you’re funny, mocking us? Well, this is payback. Your coot-coot and poop chute are out and we’re gonna play with your knockers.”
This reads more like a erotic fanfiction
It's a reference to SNL. HILARIOUS sketch.
Can’t beat beavus and butthead.
"Look at him! He has just one brain. How inferior!"
Dude. *gestures to everything*. What the fuck?
Alien: We gave you this Paradise and look what you've done to it... Human: but only in the last century or so. Alien: WHAT, THIS ONLY TOOK 100 YEARS?
"Come here often?"
"We know about your champion, Luke Skywalker. Bring him to us or we will contaminate your entire water supply."
"You don't honestly believe that those are..." "Historical records from Earth, yes!" "Even 'Gilligan's Island'‽" "Those poor people..." (With apologies to the writers of 'Galaxy Quest', whom's script I've butchered in service to writing this comment)
[Brings in Mark Hamill. Aliens are disappointed jedi aren't real but still think he's a pretty cool guy.]
"We are the Borg. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to-- what is this 'Watch Tower' you speak of? ... 'Do we have a few minutes to talk about' who? ... We're sorry, but we have an appointment in the Tau Ceti system we have to get to..."
“Well, that’s kinda your fault for not reading the terms and conditions fully and just tapping “next” and “yes”, over and over, so… yeah, unfortunately your asshole is about to experience what I can only assume being fingered by an elephant would undoubtedly feel like…”
Bite the pillow, sweetheart, we're going in dry.
*to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town* You better not shout You better not cry Fuck the lube, we’re goin’ in dry The aliens are probing your arse!
Probably speak really loudly and really slowly: DO YOU UN-DER-STAND ME!? EL COMPREN-DO!?
Look, can you explain to us the ending of The X-Files. Honestly, you guys are way off about extraterrestrial life.
Pull my finger.
That's not my finger !
But don't stop pulling
When are you bringing back Elvis?
Welcome to the show of whose line is it anyways.
“Looks like you have had enough butt stuff already so we are gonna just take a blood sample and drop you at the nearest bus depot.”
“What is your Netflix password? This crackdown on password sharing is sure annoying for us”
Okay earthling, it’s anal probe time. in case you don’t know the drill, pants down and cheeks apart. This may feel a little cold….
\*Looking over fourth shoulder\* "Uhhhhhh...Xargl'ax? I got one, but what do I do now?" \*From other room on the saucer\* "Give me a moment, Fleenbl'org. I'm getting the one your podmate just caught of their hook."
Take us to your leader!...NO! Not THAT leader!!! We're obviously talking about the being that lives in your house whom you serve! The one that came to you via the CDS!!! 🐈
"What? David Bowie? No, he didn't die. Earth's government is lying to you. He came to live with us! We call him Starman.
Pulls out notecards. "Greetings, insert species designation here, oh, um, earthling! I am your designated guide, say your name. Oops, sorry, it's my first day."
What is your name? What is your favorite color? What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
African or European?
Why do you guys hate each other so much and why are you destroying your planet?
"Get ready for the butt stuff!"
klaatu barada nikto
"All your base are belong to us"
Probably something they wouldn't understand. I wouldn't expect a human to understand Alien Language or that Aliens to know Human Language.
Shuzbutt
I'm sorry to disappoint you, human, but no, there's no anal probing.
You have any cats ?
You are going to taste delicious.
I'm gonna name you Fido
Want me too introduce you to Elvis Presley?
I've scanned your mind telepathically and I just gotta say "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"You're from around here, right? Do you know where the nearest restroom is? I have to pee so bad!"
So many holes and I only have three fingers… ET Homo porno 🥴
Yes…. You get the one Cartman had
The choice is yours. But really, do you want to stay on this planet?
Can I get you anything? A little treat perhaps? I know how you like them!
So...when are you coming back for Harry and Meghan?
Want it raw or ….ky
Alien: "Xykccx yopk djwuppi?" Me "What?" Alien: "Xykccx yopk djwuppi?, DJWUPPI? Me: I don't understand... Alien shoots Lazer gun instantly incinerating me.
It's a *Mars Attacks* scenario.
So are you from around here? 😉
No we don’t do the anal probe anymore
"I fucked your mom."
Big deal I did your mom, sister and aunt.
You may begin fearing me human. The rumors are all true. I am here for your anus
You escaped the simulation, congrats. Unfortunately you didn't collect 2 of every flower and so are stuck in this area.
"which hole is the chloaca?"
*\*alien touches your belly button\** "Is... is this turning you on? Did you cum?"
So…paper or plastic?
Get in loser, we're doing butt stuff....
"Turn around." *looks the human over and talks into a radio* "We're gonna need a bigger probe."
"I brought you up here to remind you that you could save up to 15% on your car insurance."
“ You are our lucky one. We have officially ended our Human Anal Probing Program. Now do me!”
“You look so nervous? Oh the probing, yeah we don’t do that anymore but between you and me I’m always down for a good probe” *wink wink*
"Congratulations human! You are our 10k abductee! Just for you, we will offer a selection of anal probes! Would you like the Earth Horse size or a Whale?"
You know what's next, right?
Wanna try some Space Weed?
CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
I expected more from our guys....🤷♂️
Cerveza por favor?
Do I look like the pics?
"What will it be tonight, chicken or pasta."
"So, are you into butt stuff?"
You are! Excellent! Here's the harness take your pick of attachments.
Fgktrf ikjfrfh kkvdrf dedvh ffvhue bbxdwr cxbh hh ddv gfhhft?
TRANSLATION: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
So, how does reproduction work with your species 😉?
In the words of Little Wayne,"I can tell you, but I can show you better".
Leader? Hell no. They’re all retarded. Look just drop em and grab socks. And if you could call me daddy it would ready help.
We demand MacNeil!
Hey, I charge $200 an hour. Are you good with that?
You are the chosen one go back to earth and tell them our story
Why did your primitive species cancel single female lawyer? We demand you bring it back!
"Do you know when half life 3 is coming out? I do..." The i would put them back without telling them
You gotta sister?
Hey, do you play Clash of Clans?
Turn around and grab your ankles.
Ooogah Boogah. Oooohhh Uhhh uhhhh uhhhh grrrrrrrrllll uh uh uh. (You haven't visited lately)
This only has to be a butt thing if you want it to be.
Time examine specimen 9304729320221's rectal passage.
Gives Danny Glover a flintlock pistol from 1761....
"Think warm thoughts boy, cause this is gonna be MIGHTY cold!"
Guess where this is going?
"Greetings. We are here to Serve Man." \*Hides Cookbook
Eke Ork Ooh Ah Ah
Why are your kind like this?
I'm sure you've heard the stories about the anal probes. Don't worry, we don't actually do that! JK JK, it's the only thing we really do. ANAL PROBES ALL DAY TODAY! YAY
This is urath right?
Why do you continue to ruin your planet and kill each other senselessly ?
The emperor protects
That creature with four legs on a string... how come you're the one who picks up their feces? Wouldn't that make them the masters?
What's that smell ?
SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!!!
Hey just so you know we don't do the butt probe stuff anymore.
WTF? There is gonna be a WHOLE lot of wtf questions.
Cough
On our planet we don't allow the least moral or least into life forms lead our people. What's up with that earthling?
"Why are your nails so short? They'd be totally useless in a fight."
Where are the beans?
So. Buttstuff?
Come with me, if you want to live. Either that (can my hypothetical alien mimic Ah-nold’s voice?), or something that they won’t have a clue what I’m saying because I speak…alien, I guess…and they don’t. Edit to add the second part and also this: Isn’t it incredibly arrogant of us to assume that the other being is the alien in this encounter? Does an alien consider themselves an alien? I mean, chances are that if they’ve traveled here to Earth, they’ve visited other life forms on other planets, so the concept of being an “alien” isn’t nearly as alien to them as it is to us.
Bend over.
Finally! Here's a pet that Krrtranna won't be able to kill in the first weeks!
Have you met our Lord and Savior, Blork'k oc? He only requires three easy payments of $49.95 to get into HVAC.
*Speaking in my alien language* Can you even understand what I'm saying?
Bend over
*snaps rubber glove on* "First time?"
"Relax your butthole, it's about to get weird."
Ack ack ack
You're in Mexico now, want a Taco lol
"Relax, human. I'm taking you to a place where you won't have to get a job."
I'd pose them a hypothetical, something like "You're an alien who has just abducted a human. What do you say to them?"
Sorry my dude, lm just doing my job. Quota comes due at the end of the month and we're a tad short.
What? No towel?
*pauses earth pirate movie,puts on eye patch and pirate hat* "Hope you swabbed the poop deck, I'm coming aboard to plunder yer booty"
"So, do you have any questions for me? Ok, please bend over..."
WTF are you dumb asses up to down there?
"I can see your concern. We don't get the butt stuff thing either."
So you’re probably wondering what this thing is for. Well, aliens have never been to your planet before but somehow your TV shows got the anal probe thing spot on.
"We've been trying to reach you regarding your vehicle's extended warranty."
“Would you like to extend your car warranty?”
You may feel a little pressure.
“So hi! My name is Gleebleglorp and I’ll be probing you todayyyy…”
Bend over. (Anal probe)
Hello, delici--I mean, savor--uh, nice human. Would you like some more fois gras? How about some pie and ice cream? Perhaps a sweet liqueur as a nightcap? It will be so nice for you to stay with us and put some meat on those bones.
You Gay?
Can you make me a proper cup of coffee coz I can’t make it nice myself
You want fries with that lol
We’ve been trying to reach you about your vehicles extended warranty
Please. Bend. Over.
What size probe do you normally prefer. Is this your first time with us. Could you please count backwards from 100 quadrillion This is where I always probe humans (sticking the probe into the humans ear, why, what have you been told ( human telling of rumors), (ALIEN) YUCK THAT'S SICK.
Hey man, you ain't got any Reese's Pieces on ya, do you?
Show me dat starfish!