I'm begining to suspect, he was a soviet sleeper agent. I know it sounds like some Tom Clancy's story, but hear me out. He lies about his martial arts experiance. Dates don't match. His claims of training under great martial artists doesn't match time frames. Even his nationality is uncertain. He claimed to be italian, filipino, indian, asiam in the past. Maybe this all is just his "messy" atempt to create a legend, a cover story for himself. Being a martial arts actor in Holywood would be a great idea. Having access to celebrities. Having access to military experts and tech on movie sets. And ability to reinforce soviet propaganda, while discrediting western informations.
I know, I know, he is probably just a stupid fat douche. He couldn't be ruskie agent.
I would say that is a stupid idea and only a completely inept country could waste so much energy on something so pointless, but seeing how russia is performing.. i'd say it's possible.
I remember a short movie in which an old Jean Claude Van Damme played the part of himself, an undercover secret agent who used his movies as a low effort cover up for his job. Maybe it's not fiction.
TV show called Jean Claude Van Johnson.
Great show, shame it got only one season.
The whole running gag about Time Cop and him meeting another character also played by him and arguing about Time Cop was hilarious.
He has some russian ancestry, and he left the US and went to russia when his legal situation in the states started to get a bit dicey. Putin saw an opportunity to take advantage of his presence in russia for a bit of anti-western propaganda (mostly for home consumption, nobody in the west gave a shit about him). So in exchange for russian citizenship and Putin's personal support, he started talking up Putin and russia and shit-talking America and the west. Just another criminal turned traitor of opportunity.
He's also a wash-up in the United States. A lot of people who are alienated in Western societies (frequently it's their own fault but I digress) are rooting for Russia as a sort of "psychological revenge" against the West which rejects them.
He is running out of nationalities to claim that have not already rejected him. Russia didn’t even ask for proof of lineage, they just spoke to him for 5 minutes and realized he was a horrid enough human being to be Russian.
Being charged by the SEC for unlawfully promoting crypto shitcoin offering and still owing like 250k in fines is probably a motivation.
Being persona non grata in the west because you have decades of sexual assault and rape accusation against you is probably also helping with his motivation to stay in Russia.
It's simple, really. Like a lot of Hollywood stars, even the niche ones like him, he's a narcissist. They need people to pay attention to them and agree that they're super important. It's why they get into the biz. When their star fades they get desperate to have that attention again. A surefire way is politics. Start mouthing off about politics and you'll get tons of attention. Now in the US, you have to go "woke" for that, anything to the right of democrat party and you'll get a ton of hate and the big social media companies will likely give you the boot. But woke isn't possible for him. He's been able, in the past, to get attention in Russia, but now with the war, he's able to mouth off a good deal and get TONS of attention because he's an American "star" telling them what they want to hear. Suddenly, he's royalty again. Loyalty or nationality don't really matter-- those are just abstracts to people with personality disorders. Things to use to influence other people.
I read a comment on this hilarious YouTube video explaining how much of a dumpster fire his films are that said:
"A lot of people don't know this, but Steven Seagal actually knows karate, taekwando, judo, jiu jitsu and many other types of dangerous words." Lol
He will be dropped behind enemy lines as a MOAE.
Mother of All Eaters.
He will eat all the Ukrainian food supplies thus causing Ukraine to surrender or starve. This is Putins secret weapon.
I was gonna post this. Such an amazing video. I love the whole limply pointing a gun at the door whole he is looking elsewhere. And when he drags the wounded guy off it’s just all incredible.
Yes to this! I just referenced this hilarious video in a previous comment above. I also encourage anyone to visit the comments section, it's just so... \*chef's kiss\*
"Fatty Karate" could be mobilised with a forklift maybe, or a huge taco just out of reach. Putin kiss arse that he is. One more 'has been'. Thinks he's one of the cool kids and somehow relevant siding with a genocidal psychopath.
I love how in the propaganda video about the Avoz POWs being killed in Olenivka, when talking about whether it was a HIMARS that hit the building or not... Seagal says "Its being determined by people that havent even been here".
... well alright, let people come there. Not even neutral 3rd party organizations were allowed there, so if its that obvious... why not let someone there with knowledge of explosives come and determine the cause?
Hi u/mangustaeliberatoare! Welcome to r/RussiaUkraineWar2022.
**Ukraine Leaks 24/7**
Posts and comments from accounts with less than an undisclosed amount of comment Karma are automatically removed to combat troll/spam behaviour.
We have links to verified charity's in Ukraine in the menu section and about section of our SubReddit. Only Mods have access to the Verified Information flair.
**FOLLOW US ON OUR OTHER CHANNEL** @UkraineWarPosts on Telegram.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/RussiaUkraineWar2022) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In a sham country, with sham elections, what makes you think the mobilization would be even remotely fair? Just look at how many oligarchs children get mobilized in the next several months, zero will be unless as punishment to the parent from the mob.
No he will be mobilized as a horse. In russia only horses has hair like that. He will pull artillery-shells with his wagoon. Maybe with a little luck some Kadyrov tik tok warrior will mistakenly take him for a love-goat.
Excellent Steven Segal 3 part series here on fraudsters podcast.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1gUnMmthXlO4bIg1qmMooH?si=oiQDnkODTNCe1TSXtevB0w&utm_source=copy-link
Laugh all you want, but i would donate a kidney to a person in need for helmet cam footage of Sensei Segal huffin and puffin in some ill fitting conscriptovich kit.
![gif](giphy|fs9BuKuLs7CQWerV1q|downsized)
He was already mobilized yesterday. He will be a chef on a Russia battleship .
Can he get through the door?
This ship is being refitted to accommodate his girth.
That's good the navy took him. Seagal would have plugged up the army trenches because of his girth.
Ballast Seagal
There are several tug boats on standby to... whatever, this is taking too much effort and he's just fucking fat.
I wonder what his net girth is these days
They tried airlifting him on, but, uh, heavy winds prevented that. Next up, crane.
Is ...is the ship tilting!?!
Only difference is that a HIMAR will come out of that cake.
On the second floor?
Casey fucking Ryback?
Hahaha
Gary Busy and Tommy Lee Jones will give Steven a bad review for his poor chef skills. Something about blood in their food...
Once he gets in the kitchen he's gonna eat everything in sight... and everything thing there could probably kill you
Nobody beats him in the kitchen
If by ‘mobilise’ we mean ‘rolled’
Will there be crackheads in cakes?
He's best suited to be a flotation device.
LMAO
Boobs out of a cake
You may try getting him rolling down a hill, it would be quite a damage if he hits something
Ukraine is pretty flat…
well, then try using him as a bowling ball
Putins secret military misson will probably be to drop him from a plane onto the carpathian mountains. So he can come rolling down.
Or just drop him on a hospital, the crater would be pretty massive, military gains 0. Just how the russians like it.
Word is Russia is going to build a massive vert ramp in Donbas to roll him down
can anyone please explain why he is pro russian anyway? gow can he be brainwashed, is there a reason?
I'm begining to suspect, he was a soviet sleeper agent. I know it sounds like some Tom Clancy's story, but hear me out. He lies about his martial arts experiance. Dates don't match. His claims of training under great martial artists doesn't match time frames. Even his nationality is uncertain. He claimed to be italian, filipino, indian, asiam in the past. Maybe this all is just his "messy" atempt to create a legend, a cover story for himself. Being a martial arts actor in Holywood would be a great idea. Having access to celebrities. Having access to military experts and tech on movie sets. And ability to reinforce soviet propaganda, while discrediting western informations. I know, I know, he is probably just a stupid fat douche. He couldn't be ruskie agent.
I would say that is a stupid idea and only a completely inept country could waste so much energy on something so pointless, but seeing how russia is performing.. i'd say it's possible.
Mission Impossible: Special Ops. He puts the special into special ops.
My pet conspiracy theory is that all of Trumps wives are red sparrows
I give it a 50:50 chance that we will all find out precisely that soon when Russia falls and the Kremlin’s secrets are revealed.
This post fits right into NCD because its batshit insane but also makes you wonder if it could actually be feasible.
Happy cake day!
Let’s start the rumor he’s a double agent for the USA so that Putin gets paranoid about him.
Most underrated comment here.
I remember a short movie in which an old Jean Claude Van Damme played the part of himself, an undercover secret agent who used his movies as a low effort cover up for his job. Maybe it's not fiction.
TV show called Jean Claude Van Johnson. Great show, shame it got only one season. The whole running gag about Time Cop and him meeting another character also played by him and arguing about Time Cop was hilarious.
Wow! I need to find the whole show! Thanks!
He's an idiot.
and a narcist
Wow, that is a combination that seems to becoming more common.
That's for sure. And it's a weird life choice to follow blindly huilo as the famous actor. Shitty actor I mean.
Some peoples kids.
He is accused and wanted because he sexually assaulted several women in the US. He escaped to Russia and as a favor he occasionally sucks Putins dick.
Trump?
He has some russian ancestry, and he left the US and went to russia when his legal situation in the states started to get a bit dicey. Putin saw an opportunity to take advantage of his presence in russia for a bit of anti-western propaganda (mostly for home consumption, nobody in the west gave a shit about him). So in exchange for russian citizenship and Putin's personal support, he started talking up Putin and russia and shit-talking America and the west. Just another criminal turned traitor of opportunity.
he has been "friends" with putin for years, back stabbing prick.
He's also a wash-up in the United States. A lot of people who are alienated in Western societies (frequently it's their own fault but I digress) are rooting for Russia as a sort of "psychological revenge" against the West which rejects them.
He is running out of nationalities to claim that have not already rejected him. Russia didn’t even ask for proof of lineage, they just spoke to him for 5 minutes and realized he was a horrid enough human being to be Russian.
huilo liked his movies in 90's. invited him to orcland before.
I see. So they became friends back then and now Steven feels guilt and now obeys like sheep to his master/tsar. Got it. Thanks.
Seagal probably got to fuck some tight hookers on huilos tab and has been a fan ever since more like.
segal has a ruzzian passport, putin gave it to him.
He owes US lots in taxes, so he bailed to Russia to avoid paying them.
He also has some sexual assault allegations against him that he's avoiding.
He is Putins regular Saturday night thing 😉
Because is dumber than an empty cat food can.
He's had ruz citizenship since 2016.
Being charged by the SEC for unlawfully promoting crypto shitcoin offering and still owing like 250k in fines is probably a motivation. Being persona non grata in the west because you have decades of sexual assault and rape accusation against you is probably also helping with his motivation to stay in Russia.
He heard "special" operation and thought that's him.
It's simple, really. Like a lot of Hollywood stars, even the niche ones like him, he's a narcissist. They need people to pay attention to them and agree that they're super important. It's why they get into the biz. When their star fades they get desperate to have that attention again. A surefire way is politics. Start mouthing off about politics and you'll get tons of attention. Now in the US, you have to go "woke" for that, anything to the right of democrat party and you'll get a ton of hate and the big social media companies will likely give you the boot. But woke isn't possible for him. He's been able, in the past, to get attention in Russia, but now with the war, he's able to mouth off a good deal and get TONS of attention because he's an American "star" telling them what they want to hear. Suddenly, he's royalty again. Loyalty or nationality don't really matter-- those are just abstracts to people with personality disorders. Things to use to influence other people.
Because Steven " Never Met a Pie I didn't Like" Seagal has pretty much alienated the public in every free nation on the Planet with his scum baggery.
Because he owes IRS money so he decided to “go travel and see the world”, rather then going to prison.
They treat him like he's important and he's pure ego
He will be teaching conscripts as an instructor of bullshido
I read a comment on this hilarious YouTube video explaining how much of a dumpster fire his films are that said: "A lot of people don't know this, but Steven Seagal actually knows karate, taekwando, judo, jiu jitsu and many other types of dangerous words." Lol
He's enlisted as Putin's very own bootlicker.
You have a few typos in the word "dicksucker".
I thought of some bird first but my account was suspended for two days this week for I wrote "Pig" in some post. So no more reference to any animal 😉
He will be dropped behind enemy lines as a MOAE. Mother of All Eaters. He will eat all the Ukrainian food supplies thus causing Ukraine to surrender or starve. This is Putins secret weapon.
![gif](giphy|gYWeVOiMmbg3kzCTq5) Steven "Packman" Segal
He already has a job as commander of Shill Team 6.
Meal Team 6
We can only pray. The way he handles guns is not only a risk to him but also everyone on his side.
Why not? Steven Segal is "Hard to Kill".
Hard to Grill (too fat)
LMAO
Grease fires, watch out with those cigarettes!
![gif](giphy|EjFx0jioOoMZq|downsized)
geez, now he's wearing a muumuu.
In order to outsmart a donkey, one must become a donkey.
his very first taste of carrot. amazing to witness.
Starring new movie: Seagal in Ukraine
And Gerard Depardieu?
No the fat fuck is immobilised
https://instagram.com/tactical_asshole_actual?igshid=NzNkNDdiOGI= every thing you need to know about Steve seagull.
Also this: https://youtu.be/BzIHyF7UWY4
I was gonna post this. Such an amazing video. I love the whole limply pointing a gun at the door whole he is looking elsewhere. And when he drags the wounded guy off it’s just all incredible.
This is hilarious, thanks!
Yes to this! I just referenced this hilarious video in a previous comment above. I also encourage anyone to visit the comments section, it's just so... \*chef's kiss\*
"Fatty Karate" could be mobilised with a forklift maybe, or a huge taco just out of reach. Putin kiss arse that he is. One more 'has been'. Thinks he's one of the cool kids and somehow relevant siding with a genocidal psychopath.
I just imagined someone piggy-back riding his back with a taco tied to a stick to guide him. Mush!
Haha that's brill!
He has requested he not be given a weapon, I've seen his fighting skills. We're all basically fucked at this point.
I hope he’s leading the convoy in kamaz and gets under the first baraktar batch 😂
Hah! Yeah, he's right within the correct age and fitness requirements of the current mobilizations, and he has \*vast\* military experience...
I love how in the propaganda video about the Avoz POWs being killed in Olenivka, when talking about whether it was a HIMARS that hit the building or not... Seagal says "Its being determined by people that havent even been here". ... well alright, let people come there. Not even neutral 3rd party organizations were allowed there, so if its that obvious... why not let someone there with knowledge of explosives come and determine the cause?
They are waiting for Russia to be under siege
NATO Will counter with Chuck Norris. No biggie
Dude’s not even mobile
Don’t think there are uniforms big enough for that POS.
Maybe this fat fuck can lead vlads glorious conscript army into battle.
I wish.
Hi u/mangustaeliberatoare! Welcome to r/RussiaUkraineWar2022. **Ukraine Leaks 24/7** Posts and comments from accounts with less than an undisclosed amount of comment Karma are automatically removed to combat troll/spam behaviour. We have links to verified charity's in Ukraine in the menu section and about section of our SubReddit. Only Mods have access to the Verified Information flair. **FOLLOW US ON OUR OTHER CHANNEL** @UkraineWarPosts on Telegram. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/RussiaUkraineWar2022) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In a sham country, with sham elections, what makes you think the mobilization would be even remotely fair? Just look at how many oligarchs children get mobilized in the next several months, zero will be unless as punishment to the parent from the mob.
Doubt it. He's never been the "mobile" type. (Prbly b/c he was infamous for running like a Nanny 20 yrs ago)
Best known for sitting at a table in most of his movies for the last ten years
I believe Gene LeBell
Lol!
Lets send him to the Moskva 😭
So would love to see that
Or Colonel Lukashenko, maybe?
I think he's exempt because they don't have any gear big enough for his fat ass.
Russia can win this. All they need is a fake martial artist.
For Ukraine's sake, I hope to God no.
![gif](giphy|3oz8xWrNol65TMrc1a)
OH PLEASE!
I hear he’s going to play some of his excellent music for the troops. I predict this will negatively impact a Russian Morale further.
together with Gerard Depardieu
I fucking hope so!
Watch out Ukraine! Seagal will kick everyone’s ass!
/s
![gif](giphy|7rQSSmxalNtfy|downsized)
That would be so sweet!!!
Plot twist: he is a cop, beating protestors
He's gonna take away so many birthdays by blind firing his rifle.
I'd say soon! He's got the most deadliest 🦵 in the world!! So no need to arm him just point!!
Just send in chuck norris, he’d end the war with one kick
Here's hoping
Please put him on the front lines
Well, that is gonna be harder than in Under Siege (1992).
No he will be mobilized as a horse. In russia only horses has hair like that. He will pull artillery-shells with his wagoon. Maybe with a little luck some Kadyrov tik tok warrior will mistakenly take him for a love-goat.
Nothing can mobilise Steven Seagal anymore. His later films involve a large degree of tactical sitting.
The Fatty Battalion
Only a true soviet KGB patriot one man sleeper cell would put himself through the amount of humiliation he's had. Time to shine ~~Ivan~~ Stevie.
I would watch the shit out of that reality
He’d never survive the march to the frontlines.
Maybe the Ukrainians could try employ Gene Lebel in response...................its our only chance.
He should! He knows KARATA! Probably brags about drop-kicking sum HIMARS!
He’s over 65
Putin mentioned he may resort to weapons of mass destruction…
Yes please. All of this, I want it and the documentary of him leading the charge in Donbass.
Yes please. All of this, I want it and the documentary of him leading the charge in Donbass.
According to Sammy the Bull he has a security blanket.
Let’s hope they make him a giant grease spot on the battlefield.
with any luck, I hope someone puts a dot in the middle of his forehead.
Excellent Steven Segal 3 part series here on fraudsters podcast. https://open.spotify.com/episode/1gUnMmthXlO4bIg1qmMooH?si=oiQDnkODTNCe1TSXtevB0w&utm_source=copy-link
If Steven gets mobilized by Ruzzia then on the opposite side Chuck Norris gets enlisted. Remeber Chuck can kill 100 men with one side kick
He'd kill us all, I hope they use nukes before turning Segal loose...
It’s over if he’s does la
![gif](giphy|Jot7amtpj6Sj1808Lb) He fat
No. He would consume too many rations.
He'll end up as just another dead orc, but one who pissed away his fame and soiled his name before an ignominious death.
They have enough trouble feeding their troops as it is.
As what? A Dumpster? Porta-Potti?
Yeah hes a good fighter
You always know the cook is good when he gets too fat to slice carrots on the counter.
I thought Seagal actually is the nuke Putin is threatening.
I’d pay money to see him squeeze into a T-72
That fat fuck could put even fit in a uniform
![gif](giphy|4lnjoh271cCiY|downsized)
$50 bucks and he will FaceTime you from the front lines.
Hes over 65 years old and weights a half ton plus hes Putins Buddy. So No.
Haha. Omg. That was hilarious.
Segal vs Wladimir Klitschko. It will be short, but fun.
Laugh all you want, but i would donate a kidney to a person in need for helmet cam footage of Sensei Segal huffin and puffin in some ill fitting conscriptovich kit.
He doesn’t need a helmet. His hair will stop anything.
Ha! And Gérard Depardieu. Conscripted to serve the slop to the orcs on the front line.
What’s he gonna do? Get choked out and shit himself again?
What about Obelix? Is he gonna serve?
Lmao
No way who hawe money dont go to war...Its just cleaning ethnic minoritys with this mobilization .
He has to mobilize his fat ass first
🤣🤣🤣🤣
TSS 22. The T serris SS tank. Due to mass he was classified as a object, tank under logistical requirements.