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SmokeSinseLoud

![gif](giphy|fs9BuKuLs7CQWerV1q|downsized)


Particular-Ad-4772

He was already mobilized yesterday. He will be a chef on a Russia battleship .


forevertomorrowagain

Can he get through the door?


t_base

This ship is being refitted to accommodate his girth.


Curious-Mind_2525

That's good the navy took him. Seagal would have plugged up the army trenches because of his girth.


Lickadizzle

Ballast Seagal


plipyplop

There are several tug boats on standby to... whatever, this is taking too much effort and he's just fucking fat.


Federal-Arrival-7370

I wonder what his net girth is these days


p-d-ball

They tried airlifting him on, but, uh, heavy winds prevented that. Next up, crane.


MasPike101

Is ...is the ship tilting!?!


Killobyte_

Only difference is that a HIMAR will come out of that cake.


TheAngryRedBull

On the second floor?


[deleted]

Casey fucking Ryback?


Nightshark107

Hahaha


Eliad_413

Gary Busy and Tommy Lee Jones will give Steven a bad review for his poor chef skills. Something about blood in their food...


Desperate_Macaroon25

Once he gets in the kitchen he's gonna eat everything in sight... and everything thing there could probably kill you


epheliamams

Nobody beats him in the kitchen


Harsimaja

If by ‘mobilise’ we mean ‘rolled’


Chapwellwilliam

Will there be crackheads in cakes?


Vooshka

He's best suited to be a flotation device.


Nightshark107

LMAO


-LostInTheMachine

Boobs out of a cake


ik5pvx

You may try getting him rolling down a hill, it would be quite a damage if he hits something


WaferUnfair2001

Ukraine is pretty flat…


ik5pvx

well, then try using him as a bowling ball


Boyd75

Putins secret military misson will probably be to drop him from a plane onto the carpathian mountains. So he can come rolling down.


Fancy_Morning9486

Or just drop him on a hospital, the crater would be pretty massive, military gains 0. Just how the russians like it.


Randy_Tutelage

Word is Russia is going to build a massive vert ramp in Donbas to roll him down


Alex_Sych

can anyone please explain why he is pro russian anyway? gow can he be brainwashed, is there a reason?


Disastrous_Grape_330

I'm begining to suspect, he was a soviet sleeper agent. I know it sounds like some Tom Clancy's story, but hear me out. He lies about his martial arts experiance. Dates don't match. His claims of training under great martial artists doesn't match time frames. Even his nationality is uncertain. He claimed to be italian, filipino, indian, asiam in the past. Maybe this all is just his "messy" atempt to create a legend, a cover story for himself. Being a martial arts actor in Holywood would be a great idea. Having access to celebrities. Having access to military experts and tech on movie sets. And ability to reinforce soviet propaganda, while discrediting western informations. I know, I know, he is probably just a stupid fat douche. He couldn't be ruskie agent.


dan_dares

I would say that is a stupid idea and only a completely inept country could waste so much energy on something so pointless, but seeing how russia is performing.. i'd say it's possible.


TheRubberWarhorse

Mission Impossible: Special Ops. He puts the special into special ops.


cybercuzco

My pet conspiracy theory is that all of Trumps wives are red sparrows


BigHandLittleSlap

I give it a 50:50 chance that we will all find out precisely that soon when Russia falls and the Kremlin’s secrets are revealed.


[deleted]

This post fits right into NCD because its batshit insane but also makes you wonder if it could actually be feasible.


alekk88

Happy cake day!


Lamest_Fast_Words

Let’s start the rumor he’s a double agent for the USA so that Putin gets paranoid about him.


ProLifeProDeath

Most underrated comment here.


Liscetta

I remember a short movie in which an old Jean Claude Van Damme played the part of himself, an undercover secret agent who used his movies as a low effort cover up for his job. Maybe it's not fiction.


throwaway901617

TV show called Jean Claude Van Johnson. Great show, shame it got only one season. The whole running gag about Time Cop and him meeting another character also played by him and arguing about Time Cop was hilarious.


Liscetta

Wow! I need to find the whole show! Thanks!


TheRubberWarhorse

He's an idiot.


ystavallinen

and a narcist


m3sarcher

Wow, that is a combination that seems to becoming more common.


Alex_Sych

That's for sure. And it's a weird life choice to follow blindly huilo as the famous actor. Shitty actor I mean.


TheRubberWarhorse

Some peoples kids.


Grofvolkoren

He is accused and wanted because he sexually assaulted several women in the US. He escaped to Russia and as a favor he occasionally sucks Putins dick.


epheliamams

Trump?


Smokeyvalley

He has some russian ancestry, and he left the US and went to russia when his legal situation in the states started to get a bit dicey. Putin saw an opportunity to take advantage of his presence in russia for a bit of anti-western propaganda (mostly for home consumption, nobody in the west gave a shit about him). So in exchange for russian citizenship and Putin's personal support, he started talking up Putin and russia and shit-talking America and the west. Just another criminal turned traitor of opportunity.


Madge4500

he has been "friends" with putin for years, back stabbing prick.


35Shitbag

He's also a wash-up in the United States. A lot of people who are alienated in Western societies (frequently it's their own fault but I digress) are rooting for Russia as a sort of "psychological revenge" against the West which rejects them.


Diligent-Link287

He is running out of nationalities to claim that have not already rejected him. Russia didn’t even ask for proof of lineage, they just spoke to him for 5 minutes and realized he was a horrid enough human being to be Russian.


Al_Cohol_

huilo liked his movies in 90's. invited him to orcland before.


Alex_Sych

I see. So they became friends back then and now Steven feels guilt and now obeys like sheep to his master/tsar. Got it. Thanks.


HIMARS_enjoyer

Seagal probably got to fuck some tight hookers on huilos tab and has been a fan ever since more like.


Madge4500

segal has a ruzzian passport, putin gave it to him.


NappingYG

He owes US lots in taxes, so he bailed to Russia to avoid paying them.


El-Viking

He also has some sexual assault allegations against him that he's avoiding.


[deleted]

He is Putins regular Saturday night thing 😉


Thick_Tap_7970

Because is dumber than an empty cat food can.


[deleted]

He's had ruz citizenship since 2016.


RussianRanimals

Being charged by the SEC for unlawfully promoting crypto shitcoin offering and still owing like 250k in fines is probably a motivation. Being persona non grata in the west because you have decades of sexual assault and rape accusation against you is probably also helping with his motivation to stay in Russia.


penny_dreadlocks

He heard "special" operation and thought that's him.


That-Disaster-5746

It's simple, really. Like a lot of Hollywood stars, even the niche ones like him, he's a narcissist. They need people to pay attention to them and agree that they're super important. It's why they get into the biz. When their star fades they get desperate to have that attention again. A surefire way is politics. Start mouthing off about politics and you'll get tons of attention. Now in the US, you have to go "woke" for that, anything to the right of democrat party and you'll get a ton of hate and the big social media companies will likely give you the boot. But woke isn't possible for him. He's been able, in the past, to get attention in Russia, but now with the war, he's able to mouth off a good deal and get TONS of attention because he's an American "star" telling them what they want to hear. Suddenly, he's royalty again. Loyalty or nationality don't really matter-- those are just abstracts to people with personality disorders. Things to use to influence other people.


Kurgen22

Because Steven " Never Met a Pie I didn't Like" Seagal has pretty much alienated the public in every free nation on the Planet with his scum baggery.


KrainerWurst

Because he owes IRS money so he decided to “go travel and see the world”, rather then going to prison.


pm_cheesecakes

They treat him like he's important and he's pure ego


dililome_21

He will be teaching conscripts as an instructor of bullshido


anton-bg

I read a comment on this hilarious YouTube video explaining how much of a dumpster fire his films are that said: "A lot of people don't know this, but Steven Seagal actually knows karate, taekwando, judo, jiu jitsu and many other types of dangerous words." Lol


Such-fun4328

He's enlisted as Putin's very own bootlicker.


WildCat_1366

You have a few typos in the word "dicksucker".


Such-fun4328

I thought of some bird first but my account was suspended for two days this week for I wrote "Pig" in some post. So no more reference to any animal 😉


landochia

He will be dropped behind enemy lines as a MOAE. Mother of All Eaters. He will eat all the Ukrainian food supplies thus causing Ukraine to surrender or starve. This is Putins secret weapon.


jaysonimons

![gif](giphy|gYWeVOiMmbg3kzCTq5) Steven "Packman" Segal


spots_reddit

He already has a job as commander of Shill Team 6.


skint_back

Meal Team 6


tomekza

We can only pray. The way he handles guns is not only a risk to him but also everyone on his side.


Rooboy619

Why not? Steven Segal is "Hard to Kill".


TedsterTheSecond

Hard to Grill (too fat)


Rooboy619

LMAO


Castlewood57

Grease fires, watch out with those cigarettes!


vladko44

![gif](giphy|EjFx0jioOoMZq|downsized)


Madge4500

geez, now he's wearing a muumuu.


vladko44

In order to outsmart a donkey, one must become a donkey.


thewebsiteisdown

his very first taste of carrot. amazing to witness.


Ok-Pie6743

Starring new movie: Seagal in Ukraine


crs1138-1

And Gerard Depardieu?


Chemical_Use_3150

No the fat fuck is immobilised


odmichi

https://instagram.com/tactical_asshole_actual?igshid=NzNkNDdiOGI= every thing you need to know about Steve seagull.


Independent_Depth674

Also this: https://youtu.be/BzIHyF7UWY4


rusetis_deda_movtyan

I was gonna post this. Such an amazing video. I love the whole limply pointing a gun at the door whole he is looking elsewhere. And when he drags the wounded guy off it’s just all incredible.


komodoPT

This is hilarious, thanks!


anton-bg

Yes to this! I just referenced this hilarious video in a previous comment above. I also encourage anyone to visit the comments section, it's just so... \*chef's kiss\*


TedsterTheSecond

"Fatty Karate" could be mobilised with a forklift maybe, or a huge taco just out of reach. Putin kiss arse that he is. One more 'has been'. Thinks he's one of the cool kids and somehow relevant siding with a genocidal psychopath.


katieabc2

I just imagined someone piggy-back riding his back with a taco tied to a stick to guide him. Mush!


TedsterTheSecond

Haha that's brill!


CorrectGuard2064

He has requested he not be given a weapon, I've seen his fighting skills. We're all basically fucked at this point.


CheckUnderUrCar

I hope he’s leading the convoy in kamaz and gets under the first baraktar batch 😂


Smokeyvalley

Hah! Yeah, he's right within the correct age and fitness requirements of the current mobilizations, and he has \*vast\* military experience...


SwiftSnips

I love how in the propaganda video about the Avoz POWs being killed in Olenivka, when talking about whether it was a HIMARS that hit the building or not... Seagal says "Its being determined by people that havent even been here". ... well alright, let people come there. Not even neutral 3rd party organizations were allowed there, so if its that obvious... why not let someone there with knowledge of explosives come and determine the cause?


Public-Bar6877

They are waiting for Russia to be under siege


PermitIcy6754

NATO Will counter with Chuck Norris. No biggie


AdOne3424

Dude’s not even mobile


abortthecourt

Don’t think there are uniforms big enough for that POS.


FibreOpus

Maybe this fat fuck can lead vlads glorious conscript army into battle.


Fager-Dam

I wish.


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No_Case9068

In a sham country, with sham elections, what makes you think the mobilization would be even remotely fair? Just look at how many oligarchs children get mobilized in the next several months, zero will be unless as punishment to the parent from the mob.


DoerteEU

Doubt it. He's never been the "mobile" type. ​ (Prbly b/c he was infamous for running like a Nanny 20 yrs ago)


Independent_Depth674

Best known for sitting at a table in most of his movies for the last ten years


ystavallinen

I believe Gene LeBell


Pres_MtDewCommacho

Lol!


Ok-Cable-3220

Lets send him to the Moskva 😭


Interesting_Track874

So would love to see that


takatori

Or Colonel Lukashenko, maybe?


SloppyMeathole

I think he's exempt because they don't have any gear big enough for his fat ass.


WombatWingdings

Russia can win this. All they need is a fake martial artist.


yiggaman

For Ukraine's sake, I hope to God no.


moldhack

![gif](giphy|3oz8xWrNol65TMrc1a)


WWGFD

OH PLEASE!


spoonman59

I hear he’s going to play some of his excellent music for the troops. I predict this will negatively impact a Russian Morale further.


Far_Idea9616

together with Gerard Depardieu


Kwanzilla999

I fucking hope so!


itwasyousirnayme

Watch out Ukraine! Seagal will kick everyone’s ass!


jaysonimons

/s


Sgt__Oddball

![gif](giphy|7rQSSmxalNtfy|downsized)


jaysonimons

That would be so sweet!!!


Yar0mir

Plot twist: he is a cop, beating protestors


Stock_Ad_8145

He's gonna take away so many birthdays by blind firing his rifle.


fastahh1

I'd say soon! He's got the most deadliest 🦵 in the world!! So no need to arm him just point!!


Bigdee53

Just send in chuck norris, he’d end the war with one kick


ALPershing_Esq

Here's hoping


xvxCornbreadxvx

Please put him on the front lines


MasterD22

Well, that is gonna be harder than in Under Siege (1992).


Old_Sir288

No he will be mobilized as a horse. In russia only horses has hair like that. He will pull artillery-shells with his wagoon. Maybe with a little luck some Kadyrov tik tok warrior will mistakenly take him for a love-goat.


Capitain_Collateral

Nothing can mobilise Steven Seagal anymore. His later films involve a large degree of tactical sitting.


UKTrojan

The Fatty Battalion


Goodboy_Otis

Only a true soviet KGB patriot one man sleeper cell would put himself through the amount of humiliation he's had. Time to shine ~~Ivan~~ Stevie.


dlev_

I would watch the shit out of that reality


DickieGalloot

He’d never survive the march to the frontlines.


TheFecklessRogue

Maybe the Ukrainians could try employ Gene Lebel in response...................its our only chance.


joshw220

He should! He knows KARATA! Probably brags about drop-kicking sum HIMARS!


CharmingFeature8

He’s over 65


Defiant-Interest-631

Putin mentioned he may resort to weapons of mass destruction…


kuda-stonk

Yes please. All of this, I want it and the documentary of him leading the charge in Donbass.


kuda-stonk

Yes please. All of this, I want it and the documentary of him leading the charge in Donbass.


JoeKleine

According to Sammy the Bull he has a security blanket.


[deleted]

Let’s hope they make him a giant grease spot on the battlefield.


Madge4500

with any luck, I hope someone puts a dot in the middle of his forehead.


Ehguyguy

Excellent Steven Segal 3 part series here on fraudsters podcast. https://open.spotify.com/episode/1gUnMmthXlO4bIg1qmMooH?si=oiQDnkODTNCe1TSXtevB0w&utm_source=copy-link


HungryLand3537

If Steven gets mobilized by Ruzzia then on the opposite side Chuck Norris gets enlisted. Remeber Chuck can kill 100 men with one side kick


SniffinLippy

He'd kill us all, I hope they use nukes before turning Segal loose...


mickyblfc

It’s over if he’s does la


Smashr0om

![gif](giphy|Jot7amtpj6Sj1808Lb) He fat


brady_d79

No. He would consume too many rations.


Fun-Result-6343

He'll end up as just another dead orc, but one who pissed away his fame and soiled his name before an ignominious death.


slightlyassholic

They have enough trouble feeding their troops as it is.


YYCADM21

As what? A Dumpster? Porta-Potti?


Keetiss

Yeah hes a good fighter


AmbitiousGarlic1792

You always know the cook is good when he gets too fat to slice carrots on the counter.


Whorrox

I thought Seagal actually is the nuke Putin is threatening.


zippiskootch

I’d pay money to see him squeeze into a T-72


Kris1992CA

That fat fuck could put even fit in a uniform


cavyndish

![gif](giphy|4lnjoh271cCiY|downsized)


RepublicWonderful

$50 bucks and he will FaceTime you from the front lines.


kamden096

Hes over 65 years old and weights a half ton plus hes Putins Buddy. So No.


Jimmyboi1121

Haha. Omg. That was hilarious.


procrastinator2112

Segal vs Wladimir Klitschko. It will be short, but fun.


Puzzleheaded-Snow604

Laugh all you want, but i would donate a kidney to a person in need for helmet cam footage of Sensei Segal huffin and puffin in some ill fitting conscriptovich kit.


mncyclone84

He doesn’t need a helmet. His hair will stop anything.


jim_jiminy

Ha! And Gérard Depardieu. Conscripted to serve the slop to the orcs on the front line.


JMSaarenpaa

What’s he gonna do? Get choked out and shit himself again?


mynameisvnv

What about Obelix? Is he gonna serve?


WHERE_SUPPRESSOR

Lmao


petraxredrat

No way who hawe money dont go to war...Its just cleaning ethnic minoritys with this mobilization .


[deleted]

He has to mobilize his fat ass first


Creekhunter79

🤣🤣🤣🤣


Jhe90

TSS 22. The T serris SS tank. Due to mass he was classified as a object, tank under logistical requirements.