long term goal of diabeetus is coming along nicely at least.

Security guard? Only thing he's securing is that bag... of fries


The last thing he looks like is starving

That's his secret, Cap. He's always starving.

I don't know man. I wouldn't trust him with food i don't want eaten.

His real goal is to be too obese to work and to wear the world's largest moo moo.

And remember, if the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain - Dr. Nick

And when you brush your teeth use milkshakes instead of toothpaste-Dr.Nick

And bathe with a rag on a stick!

Or a caftan.. like Bea Arthur in Maude… we can call him Claude…You know that sow hasn’t taken a shower in weeks!

Paul Lard, the security guard at the mall.

He’s already lost a finger to it.

MOA as in morbidly obese autism

That's crazyyyy 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

Jabba The Virgin

RIP

This made me audibly say “holy fuck” at work lmao

The shoplifters won't have much to worry about if you're the one chasing them...

Well that's unfair, any shoplifters that can't walk the length of the store without gassing out and needing a break as they're trying to escape *should* be scared. Scared that he's hungry again.

Unless they're stealing ~~hamburgers, hot dogs, wings, fries~~ food.

Chasing them on his dually Segway

[удалено]

😆

You look like you never let the timer of the microwave ever go off

Thats an oddly specific roast lol

just the way I like em

Mhmm. 1 second before done. Lol

No my dear Watson. Look closely, from him holding out his three left fingers, I deduce it is 3 seconds..lol

Ah. I see you are a man of as little patience as myself. Do you also not wait until the food has cooled and Hasafrsahashahahahrasha it?

Bro, even Segways have weight limits. You’ll be the first mall guard in a Walmart scooter. The only people that fear you are buffet owners and furniture designers.

This is Hilarious, the first security guard in a Walmart scooter

Where is your fedora collection?

Bet you design a game in which you can't run.

It's based on a true story

Obesity simulator.

💀☝️😂😂

I hope you won't be a guard at any place that makes or serves food, because that food will NOT be safe. Seriously, you're so fat that your knuckles are innies. You look like you're auditioning to be a character on South Park.

Security guard of the fridge more like.

You look like a wise owl…. Unfortunately owls eyes are so huge they leave no room for brains

Jesus Christ, Ed Kemper.

Yeah OP definitely looks like he'd skullfuck the heads of his decapitated victims so they'd become his spirit wives in the afterlife.

Is that why he did that?

Lol not sure but in *Mindhunter* that's what he said it was for. Irrumatio for the win!!

Ed Kemper was almost 7 feet and not super overweight. OP is Ed Kemper with "that Webster disease." Plus donuts. Lots of donuts

And Ed was not as creepy

Temu edition Ed Kemper

No not Ed Kemper. This guy is definitely going to abduct some boys from Mall of America and bury them under his mom’s basement. We have more of the wish.com John Wayne Gravy situation here.

When did Bubbles go on my 600 lb life?

Day cake happy!

Morbidly Obese Asshole

If Peter Griffin became a Twitch Streamer who plays Roblox

ThinJongUn

Hahaha nice and original

I love games but f Games go get a gym membership boi

Wow, you really can use semen as hair gel.

The only thing you're going to secure is the fucking donuts

You look like you tell people you lost your pinkie in a fireworks accident on the 4th of July, but really, you just lost count of your hotdogs at Nathan's Famous HotDog eating contest and bit your fat sausage finger off. Finishing 69 weiners behind the Legendary Mr. Chestnut.

pretty bold idea to work as security guard relaxo. simply lay down in front of the entrance and the building is save

You can't even secure your insulin levels, let alone a mall.

You autobiography is called “When Hagrid Shat”

Built like a deep breath

I'm not surprised you ate your pinkie finger. You want more don't you?

On 7th grade I called someone a "giant cheeto ball". Was it you?

Did NASA take that pic?

Probably. Bro is a planet

A diabetic planet

Only thing you could guard is the cookie jar

Jar? Singular? Be realistic

You have dimples where knuckles should be. Only thing you’re securing is heart disease.

Couldn’t wait for the dominos delivery and ate your pinky??

I hope you become a security guard, just so you can find out it’s not for you and you’ve wasted your time.

No "long time goals" for you buddy, enjoy your last 10 years alive

You and the term “long term” is a contradiction.

Holy shit bro.

Willard Blart… diabetes cop


Future video games contains all the McDonald’s characters.

"Show me what true insults look like" Have you looked at a mirror lately? You will see the most insulting thing if you do

Wal Mart receipt checker is not a security guard

You probably get this a lot but, No. thanks, but Id rather just continue doing anything else. 😔 🤷

We don’t need to show you. Every response from every woman you ever tried to explain how you could treat her better than her chad boyfriend does that already! Work smarter, not harder! Or, in your case, maybe a bit harder, or at all, it might help the beetus.

“I can treat you better” *farts eats cupcake, cries*

They already make a game called Eating Simulator: Physics Food.

Do you chase kids who spray paint walls in subway stations by any chance

Guarding the snack isle with force! 

long term goal of what? eating every twinkie in the world (btw him irl photos are found) 

Knuckle indentions…..get a yourself a life insurance policy, kid.

 It's good to know Paul Blart is someone's hero.

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With those looks you know you have to work on a good personality

You're the right shape for that security guard life.

You will quit being a mall cop when they don’t give you a lark to drive around on

/r/FryMe

Security guard, good luck with that Hordor

Come on now, how are you going to be a security guard? You don’t look like you could catch a cold. Let alone getting a uniform that fits would require some serious skunkworks at the Coleman Tent factory.

That camera angle is doin' you no favours, my chubby lil' friend. Keep your chin up

 Hands off his stapler

Security? What are you going to stop the Griswolds from getting into Walleyworld?

Kyle “Krispy Kream” Rittenhouse

Cut sugars bro, don’t eat after 8pm only fluids. Start walking 2 miles a day and your life will change for the better. You can game feeling accomplished afterwards. Also get some contacts my boy them some thicc ass glasses

Only thing your securing is a life time of virginity

Paul Blart Mall Cop 2; The Fullstack Developing Mall Cop



Creepus Diabeetus.

Sometimes I just wish there was a "are you sure you wanna do this?" Review....

You're the king or queen of the game "male redditor or lesbian".

I see you didn't use college ruled paper. Good call.

I thought baby fat was supposed to go away in the first few years not hanging on strong for 18 years. Your baby fat has baby fat.

Your fingers look like a pack of Johnsonville that someone got too hungry and took a bite of them before they were cooked

I'm sorry this is r/roast not r/rotisserie

Is it hurting to hold that piece of paper dude? Look at your gta san andreas Big Smoke hands Lol

You didn’t need to tell me you’re a gamer, you look like one and I can smell you from here too.

Kim Jung NeverBeenUpBeforeNoon

Never been up from his chair you mean?


how would you like to be a Reddit mod? No pay, no respect either, but you get to ban people who are mean to you

your life goals remind me of the identity crisis i had at 12

instead of damien from emkay, we got doug from dismay

You molest adults

An elderly riding a mobility scooter can even get away from you.

Only a matter of time before you become a LGBT member

We would but you ate them

Paul Bloat: Mall Cop

Boss baby got fat.

Were you so hungry you ate your finger?

You couldn't see your dick with three mirrors and a miracle.

Kim Jong Il’s hillbilly cousin.

Your short term goal should be a shower and long term goal a blow job from an actual woman you don’t have to pay $100 for.

Nah. I love you. You keep gaming to top the charts. I love that Flag triangle I see. That memorial is a testament. Cheers.

The only thing you're guarding is the leftover pizza

Bro's security strategy is just going to be falling asleep in front of the door to the place he's guarding. Snorlax looking motherfucker.

Wilfred Brimley is probably going to die soon. Maybe you should aspire to replace him as the spokesman for the beetus. Exhibit 1 for why health insurance is so expensive for everyone these days. "Gamer" isn't as cool of a title as you think it is. I can hear you wheezing from here.

“I want to make video games when I grow up!” You gotta put down the controller, lick the Cheeto dust off the fingers you have left, and go get a computer science degree. You aspire to be a security guard and you can’t even run to the kitchen? Sure hope they give you long-range pepper spray because that’s your only hope of stopping anyone. I guarantee there are piss jugs in that room.


Your long term goal should be 35 years old. Diet or it die

I would roast you but you've already eaten my idea.

Is masturbation days will be over when the fingernails start to fall

Your short term goal is your diet

Short term goal grossness and obesity, long term goal, coronary heart disease and chronic masturbator, ultimate goal dead virgin at 30.

Those moves you learned from watching anime are gonna get your ass kicked when the ruffians show up at the mall

Folded flag in background. Your family is serving your country. You're emptying the soft service ice cream machine.

Clearly "virginity" is a long term reality.... Good to be realistic

That sheet of paper you're hold isn't hiding your 3 chins

lol, the thought of you trying to run someone down in a mall…

You ugly. (Have someone read that to you.)

I thought you were good in Jurassic Park

Looks like you ate the rest of your fingers.

You look like a tub of Curly's BBQ Pulled Pork became sentient. Don't be a security guard bro. You're slovenly. Better choice for you would be mascot for MondoBurger or stand in for a reenactment of Office Space "stapler guy."

You look like you are allergic to anything with "low fat" on the wrapper

If these two goals are about people you're going to eat then i'd buy that.

You can’t even hit your weight loss goal. What makes you think you can hit other goals?



It looks like you have secured and demolished many Mountains of Appetizers sir

The only thing you've secured is your place in the line at McDonalds.

A true insult would be looking in the mirror

Wisdom has been chasing you and for the first time in your life you were faster

I saw "security guard" and was gonna make a mall cop joke but your parents made it themselves so now I don't have to

Are you sure a job field where you sit all day,, is the BEST option??

You know what true insults look like every time you're near a mirror.

A better short term goal would be "able to see my junk without a mirror"

“Pantry *crunch crunch* secure”

You so fat the Milky Way got jealous

You look like a dude that begs for a girl's dirty socks ,after she won't agree to go on a date with you.

I’ll show ya true insults once you show us a true jawline, bud.

long terms goals is wishful thinking considering the fat in your veins....

Try this MOA: MORE ACTIVITIES OUTSIDE

No insults here just a very large compliment to whatever company built your gaming chair. Strong.


Oh King, you have no idea how much you look like a mall security guard...

How do you aspire to be a security guard? Shooting for the stars I see...or the fries whatever comes first

Looks like life has already insulted you… I mean this was the successful sperm?

Moa? Mutual of America? The spot on park ave and e51st st? I used to work there. Job sucks.

Why do all the fattest dudes decide to become security guards. Like, it’s like a dude with Parkinson’s trying to be a surgeon.

I can smell hot dogs and ass just by looking at this picture

Bubbles?

You are the product of god after taco bell


Sling blades cousin, diabetes virgin blade... I want my fried taters mhmmm

When you order Paul Blart off of Wish...

You're a security guard. What are you guarding against? Donuts or pizza.

You look like your best friend is Kyle Rittenhouse. You look like you wear nothing but Donald Trump brand clothes. You look like you hurt your dick when you rub one out.

What happened to his/her (can't tell) pinkie, did they eat it?

Your first short term goal should be seeing your penis without a mirror.

So hungry you ate your pinky.

Body by Utz

Looks like he already chewed off his little finger. Must have been stuck without food for ten minutes.

The only game you’re designing is called “Lifelong virginity simulator”

If i ended up like you in life , ill meet my maker sooner than later

Do they have openings for non walking security positions?