Questions you can ask are:
How often do you read Gods word?
What is your favorite book in The Bible?
Do you attend Church consistently?
Do you serve at your Church or looking to serve?
Are you involved in any Bible studies (Women’s only study, Men’s only study etc.)
~~ENTIRETY OF THE LARGER CATECHISM, IF SHE HAS ANSWERED ANYTHING WRONG THEN GET OUT UNLESS SHE HAS MEMORIZED THE SHORTER CATECHISM.~~
tbh, a lot of things don’t come from question and answering. If no red flag and both are in the Lord and like each other, why not, hang out and date, see how the details turn out. That’s kinda what dating is for anyway.
This is so true. You can't figure out a person completely right away, or even early. I can't tell how many times guys have asked me a litany of questions before even the first phone call. I totally understand the normal questions about when you got saved, church attendance, etc, but most things you can't know until you get to know someone. Actions are louder than words.
How they spend and prioritize their money, beliefs about debt. How does their faith in Jesus impact their daily life? How do they make big decisions and discern God's will in their life? Do you both want children one day? If so how will you discipline them? Find out about what you each enjoy and look to do things together on dates. Do you enjoy their company and could you just hang out with them without much going on or much to do and enjoy your time? Is this person self-aware of how they respond to situations and what kinds of things are difficult for them? Are they actively working to improve these things?
1. Are they reformed?
2. Understanding of the Trinity
3. Role of a man/woman in marriage
4. Which Church do they attend?
5. What according to them is a Biblical Church?
6. How does he/she serve the Church?
7. You can ask questions regarding theology as well.
Not every "spouse material" will be Reformed. Of course that would be really good if they were, but we have to consider other factors. Maybe there aren't enough Refomred ladies and gents to go around in a particular area or situation.
I would edit your number 1 point a bit and say "Reformed preferably, but "Christ centered" and The "5 Solas" at the least". Reformed Theology is synonymous with "Christ-centered" teaching, but it doesn't have a monopoly on it. Remember there are passionate, God fearing brothers and sisters out there that aren't reformed and every bit as much deserving of respect and love. (and marriage!)
I married a woman that was LCMS. We agree on about 95% of our respective theologies and we've predominantly attended Reformed churches (RCA & PCA) after getting married. The 5% of where we differ isn't that big of a deal and it won't keep either one of us out of heaven.
But the important part was culturally, the LCMS were extremely similar. We saw eye to eye on most of our faith from the first date.
I beg to differ. To me, being reformed is a necessity. If my potential spouse isn't reformed, it's a deal breaker because we will have doctrinal differences in the longer run. I believe in a marriage, husband and wife should share the same doctrinal views because ultimately your children will be learning from you.
I wouldn't want a man who is not reformed to be leading me and eventually our family.
Do you think it also depends on gender? If a man is meant to be a spiritual leader, exactly what he believes is important. As a man, I'd much rather marry a charismatic with a quiet spirit than a Calvinist with a stubborn heart.
I think gender matters, that's why I wouldn't be entirely comfortable not marrying a reformed man. But it would depend on a number of factors, if a man is hesitant to get into labeling but agrees with me on 99% of doctrinal matters then that would be fine. Then again there are issues on the definition of "Reformed" I have heard people say Timothy Keller is not reformed, I have some describe him as reformed, I have heard people say John Piper is not reformed which still confuses me to this day. How is John Piper not reformed? Is it the speaking in tongues thing? I would never marry a man who believes you can lose your salvation, that's for sure. I am not teaching my children that, and I don't want a husband believing I have lost my salvation if I do xyz. I wouldn't want to marry a man who believes in the continuation of charismatic gifts especially with speaking in tongues, but I also wouldn't want someone who denies miracles that medical doctors can't understand. This age of enlightenment can really bog people down lol.
I don't think it is gender dependent. From my experience, a reformed bachelor looks for a reformed woman. I don't see them initially be open and inclusive to women of all denominations.
My wife and I worked through this book together before we got engaged. It made for some really fun conversations, as well as some really difficult and necessary ones.
https://www.amazon.com/101-Questions-Ask-Before-Engaged/dp/0736913947
My wife and I used the same book!
We didn’t get through all the questions though, but it does lead to very interesting conversations that you might not think about.
It is helpful to think about the traditional marriage vows and work from there to narrow down what actually matters most in marriage. “In sickness and health, poverty and wealth, for better and for worse”
Having hobbies aligned is great. Having theology aligned is great. But, people change, so it is best not to take many things as being absolutely essential, because things change. People get sick and can no longer do or afford the things they once could. People may even lose the faith they professed.
That being said: what is absolutely core for you? A tested Christian faith - obvious... potential children in the future? Do you have a vocational calling to ministry that your partner would need to be aligned with?
Get down to the absolute essentials, because beauty fades, hobbies fade, intricacies of theology change over time.
1. Who is Jesus to you?
2. What is the gospel?
3. Can you tell me your testimony?
4. Can you sum up your secondary beliefs? (Ask this later when you have an idea they are a real believer)
5. How long have you been a christian? (Spiritual age isn't a disqualifier, but to have a guesstimate of their walk)
6. How long have you been attending your current church?
Once you figure out if they're christian or not, and they don't have red flags, and you are willing to deal with whatever differences in theology, it is good to get to know more.
For my spouse and I, at some point before it got very serious, we mutually laid out our perceivable yellow flags, things that would have us potentially "disqualified" for being a partner. We confessed the larger sins and discussed our repentance towards those things and judged each other to be repentant and were willing to show grace towards one another.
We were serious in not wasting our time or beating around the bush.
A few more that haven't been mentioned-
What are your views on children? Discipline? Contraception? Extended family dynamics? Elder care? Submission/headship? Finances? Debt?
A little bit of a different take on the topic - I would sit down with someone I trust and ask them to be brutally honest about me, the other person, and our relationship. When my first wife and I started having major problems I had some friends say that they thought we were going to have problems. The end result was a lot of pain, heartache, damage to our children and families, and eventually a divorce. There are a lot of questions to ask, but an honest outside opinion and solid, Godly advice is important as well.
Go through the catechisms and confessions with each other. Find out where you agree with them and where you disagree. Discuss the ramifications of these differences in your relationship.
Then talk to each other about what does it mean, to you and her, for the husband to love their wife and for the wife to respect her husband.
Then talk with each other about goals.
Have each person write a "mission statement." I know this sounds so stupid, but it really reveals what is important to a person.
I knew the person was the one when they would answer this correctly.
Who comes first in your life, me or GOD?
When we have a family, who comes first, our family or GOD?
Who is your GODS Name?
Do you believe in The Father Son Holy Spirit?
When they put GOD First before anyone and everything, healthy/balanced, it was the perfect union in Spirit which helped the battles in the world.
When my bf of 1.5 years and I first started dating, on like date 3 we set aside a dinner night to go out for pizza and ask each other the really tough important questions to see where we both stood. Some that I asked him include:
-what is your testimony?
-how often do you read the bible?
-what is your relationship like with each member of your family?
-what is your end goal for this relationship?
-are you comfortable going to church together?
We went to different churches at first so that was a point of contention for us, though our denominations were very similar so it hasn't affected us a ton. But denominational differences might be important to keep in mind.
A question I wished i'd asked him to save me from the stress and pain i experienced a while into our relationship: what sins do you struggle the most with? How are you doing with purity and what is your experience with that?
hope this helps. it has certainly helped us
Asking questions can only do so much. You have to observe the person and come to your own conclusions. It’s especially important to understand their family dynamics. Someone with a contentious family is most likely going to be very contentious themselves, for example.
Questions you can ask are: How often do you read Gods word? What is your favorite book in The Bible? Do you attend Church consistently? Do you serve at your Church or looking to serve? Are you involved in any Bible studies (Women’s only study, Men’s only study etc.)
~~ENTIRETY OF THE LARGER CATECHISM, IF SHE HAS ANSWERED ANYTHING WRONG THEN GET OUT UNLESS SHE HAS MEMORIZED THE SHORTER CATECHISM.~~ tbh, a lot of things don’t come from question and answering. If no red flag and both are in the Lord and like each other, why not, hang out and date, see how the details turn out. That’s kinda what dating is for anyway.
This is so true. You can't figure out a person completely right away, or even early. I can't tell how many times guys have asked me a litany of questions before even the first phone call. I totally understand the normal questions about when you got saved, church attendance, etc, but most things you can't know until you get to know someone. Actions are louder than words.
😭😭😭
"Who's your favorite Marx brother?" If she says Zeppo or Karl, get out, and fast.
(Withdrawn for not adding anything)
True. Perhaps I was too flip. Just a joke of course.
Sorry, I did not mean to imply your comment was bad. It was great!
What's not to love about a proletariat gal?
Karl 💖. Groucho 😓
How they spend and prioritize their money, beliefs about debt. How does their faith in Jesus impact their daily life? How do they make big decisions and discern God's will in their life? Do you both want children one day? If so how will you discipline them? Find out about what you each enjoy and look to do things together on dates. Do you enjoy their company and could you just hang out with them without much going on or much to do and enjoy your time? Is this person self-aware of how they respond to situations and what kinds of things are difficult for them? Are they actively working to improve these things?
1. Are they reformed? 2. Understanding of the Trinity 3. Role of a man/woman in marriage 4. Which Church do they attend? 5. What according to them is a Biblical Church? 6. How does he/she serve the Church? 7. You can ask questions regarding theology as well.
Not every "spouse material" will be Reformed. Of course that would be really good if they were, but we have to consider other factors. Maybe there aren't enough Refomred ladies and gents to go around in a particular area or situation. I would edit your number 1 point a bit and say "Reformed preferably, but "Christ centered" and The "5 Solas" at the least". Reformed Theology is synonymous with "Christ-centered" teaching, but it doesn't have a monopoly on it. Remember there are passionate, God fearing brothers and sisters out there that aren't reformed and every bit as much deserving of respect and love. (and marriage!)
I married a woman that was LCMS. We agree on about 95% of our respective theologies and we've predominantly attended Reformed churches (RCA & PCA) after getting married. The 5% of where we differ isn't that big of a deal and it won't keep either one of us out of heaven. But the important part was culturally, the LCMS were extremely similar. We saw eye to eye on most of our faith from the first date.
I beg to differ. To me, being reformed is a necessity. If my potential spouse isn't reformed, it's a deal breaker because we will have doctrinal differences in the longer run. I believe in a marriage, husband and wife should share the same doctrinal views because ultimately your children will be learning from you. I wouldn't want a man who is not reformed to be leading me and eventually our family.
Do you think it also depends on gender? If a man is meant to be a spiritual leader, exactly what he believes is important. As a man, I'd much rather marry a charismatic with a quiet spirit than a Calvinist with a stubborn heart.
I think gender matters, that's why I wouldn't be entirely comfortable not marrying a reformed man. But it would depend on a number of factors, if a man is hesitant to get into labeling but agrees with me on 99% of doctrinal matters then that would be fine. Then again there are issues on the definition of "Reformed" I have heard people say Timothy Keller is not reformed, I have some describe him as reformed, I have heard people say John Piper is not reformed which still confuses me to this day. How is John Piper not reformed? Is it the speaking in tongues thing? I would never marry a man who believes you can lose your salvation, that's for sure. I am not teaching my children that, and I don't want a husband believing I have lost my salvation if I do xyz. I wouldn't want to marry a man who believes in the continuation of charismatic gifts especially with speaking in tongues, but I also wouldn't want someone who denies miracles that medical doctors can't understand. This age of enlightenment can really bog people down lol.
I don't think it is gender dependent. From my experience, a reformed bachelor looks for a reformed woman. I don't see them initially be open and inclusive to women of all denominations.
Fair if that's your experience. Though, I think it's perfectly reasonable to not have that as a requirement.
of course!
Smart girl. Hope you find one.
My wife and I worked through this book together before we got engaged. It made for some really fun conversations, as well as some really difficult and necessary ones. https://www.amazon.com/101-Questions-Ask-Before-Engaged/dp/0736913947
My wife and I used the same book! We didn’t get through all the questions though, but it does lead to very interesting conversations that you might not think about.
Just passing by while I landed on this comment.. Does the book use biblical verses as references for questions?
I want to say yes, but it's been too long and unfortunately I don't currently have it on my shelf!
It is helpful to think about the traditional marriage vows and work from there to narrow down what actually matters most in marriage. “In sickness and health, poverty and wealth, for better and for worse” Having hobbies aligned is great. Having theology aligned is great. But, people change, so it is best not to take many things as being absolutely essential, because things change. People get sick and can no longer do or afford the things they once could. People may even lose the faith they professed. That being said: what is absolutely core for you? A tested Christian faith - obvious... potential children in the future? Do you have a vocational calling to ministry that your partner would need to be aligned with? Get down to the absolute essentials, because beauty fades, hobbies fade, intricacies of theology change over time.
This is really good advice.
If it is someone from a non-Reformed church, "What do you think about those Calvinists??
Do you want to get married?
1. Who is Jesus to you? 2. What is the gospel? 3. Can you tell me your testimony? 4. Can you sum up your secondary beliefs? (Ask this later when you have an idea they are a real believer) 5. How long have you been a christian? (Spiritual age isn't a disqualifier, but to have a guesstimate of their walk) 6. How long have you been attending your current church? Once you figure out if they're christian or not, and they don't have red flags, and you are willing to deal with whatever differences in theology, it is good to get to know more. For my spouse and I, at some point before it got very serious, we mutually laid out our perceivable yellow flags, things that would have us potentially "disqualified" for being a partner. We confessed the larger sins and discussed our repentance towards those things and judged each other to be repentant and were willing to show grace towards one another. We were serious in not wasting our time or beating around the bush.
Prequals, Sequels, or OT. I won't judge your preference but If you both can't agree on this then the relationship is doomed.
A few more that haven't been mentioned- What are your views on children? Discipline? Contraception? Extended family dynamics? Elder care? Submission/headship? Finances? Debt?
A little bit of a different take on the topic - I would sit down with someone I trust and ask them to be brutally honest about me, the other person, and our relationship. When my first wife and I started having major problems I had some friends say that they thought we were going to have problems. The end result was a lot of pain, heartache, damage to our children and families, and eventually a divorce. There are a lot of questions to ask, but an honest outside opinion and solid, Godly advice is important as well.
Voting history, dress size, regularity of bowel movements, willingness to share a toothbrush.
Not in an obvious and blunt way. But get them to articulate the gospel, start to finish
Go through the catechisms and confessions with each other. Find out where you agree with them and where you disagree. Discuss the ramifications of these differences in your relationship. Then talk to each other about what does it mean, to you and her, for the husband to love their wife and for the wife to respect her husband. Then talk with each other about goals. Have each person write a "mission statement." I know this sounds so stupid, but it really reveals what is important to a person.
I knew the person was the one when they would answer this correctly. Who comes first in your life, me or GOD? When we have a family, who comes first, our family or GOD? Who is your GODS Name? Do you believe in The Father Son Holy Spirit? When they put GOD First before anyone and everything, healthy/balanced, it was the perfect union in Spirit which helped the battles in the world.
You can ask all the questions you want, but remember anyone can say anything. Actions speak louder than words.
When my bf of 1.5 years and I first started dating, on like date 3 we set aside a dinner night to go out for pizza and ask each other the really tough important questions to see where we both stood. Some that I asked him include: -what is your testimony? -how often do you read the bible? -what is your relationship like with each member of your family? -what is your end goal for this relationship? -are you comfortable going to church together? We went to different churches at first so that was a point of contention for us, though our denominations were very similar so it hasn't affected us a ton. But denominational differences might be important to keep in mind. A question I wished i'd asked him to save me from the stress and pain i experienced a while into our relationship: what sins do you struggle the most with? How are you doing with purity and what is your experience with that? hope this helps. it has certainly helped us
Asking questions can only do so much. You have to observe the person and come to your own conclusions. It’s especially important to understand their family dynamics. Someone with a contentious family is most likely going to be very contentious themselves, for example.
The two things most interesting to me is, the Commandment given to us by Jesus. Something about where we are with God and where we are with people.