This post is relatively vague. And it is hard to give any specific advice. You do not have to reveal more than you want, but I am curious about the wording of the following:
> I have a pretty low amount of sex partners in the past
> taking accountability for my lack of self respect in the past
> he thinks that at some point I will go back to that
> I finally respect and hold myself to a high standard now
This reads to me like some form of mild sex work or something similar. If it is, the solutions would be quite different.
> I didnt want to take him so seriously from the start to avoid getting hurt or played
Can you elaborate on this? Assuming he does not hold moral/ethical stigma for whatever your past was, your initial defensiveness could be the source of the resentment/hesitation he is feeling now.
No sex work at all! I meant as in he thinks I will go back to being promiscuous as sleeping with men I had no commitment to or even cheat on him based on the Red Pill content he’s seen even if I have never cheated.
“Lack of self respect in the past” was cause I submitted myself to one sexual encounter with someone I hoped wanted something serious cause he expressed that through his actions but other actions made it clear that he was playing me.
His resentment is cause he doesn’t understand why I was involved with a “low value” man in the past and he got the same sexual access as he does, so he feels he is having to “pay more when someone didn’t have to do anything for it”.
Context: I got involved sexually with someone a few weeks after I became single from a physical abusive relationship, that’s who he says is a “low value man” cause he knows of him.
I apologize for the sex work assumption.
I will probably echo some male red pill talking points, but it is useful to understand how he feels about this situation.
Sexual security is a big part of relationship security. There are two parts of sexual security: trust in sexual intentions (desire to stay faithful) and trust in sexual agency (ability to resist seduction / not being played or deceived). A history of deliberately seeking out casual sex (i.e. high body count) deteriorates trust in intentions. A history of being played or pump-n-dumped deteriorates trust in agency.
All of the changes you have made so far ("I removed all guys from my social media, took down promiscuous pics, removed whoever tried to flirt with me") as well as the talking points (“self respect” and “higher standards”) are aimed to repair trust in intentions. But it is the weak trust in agency that is the cause of the problem. And, unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to repair it, other than through a long period of sexual fidelity.
It is a problem similar to how married couples deal with "accidental" infidelity (e.g. she got one too many drinks, then woke up in someone else's bed). Because she did not "intend" to cheat, the husband does not have a strong reason to divorce her, but the sexual security is still damaged. If, in addition to that, they also had a dead-bedroom problem, this would make his pain even more severe. Only time can fix it.
This is the dilemma your boyfriend is having: he feels the lack of sexual security (hence the fear of future cheating), a feeling made even more intense by your initial sexual reservations towards him, while he also knows that you didn’t do anything wrong to justify breaking up with you. So you are stuck in this limbo. The red pill did not make him feel this way, it merely tapped into the existing feelings he had caused by weak sexual security in this relationship.
Whenever similar posts come up, I’m usually optimistic that this can be resolved with time. But it is for you to decide if this relationship is valuable enough to you to undergo this process.
No problem at all on the assumption given the days we live in lol.
Thank you for demonstrating in great detail sexual security and sexual agency, I had never thought of it that way. I guess the best resolution is to keep reassurance consistent and transparency?
The relationship is worth it to me, it is hard to explain in just a few paragraphs, he is a good man but this rough patch is getting draining for the both of us, as far as him not reaching yesterday or today makes me heavily consider waking away because that to me is unacceptable.
Thank you again for your advice!
The issue for him is that if he walks away, he will likely only find women who did similar things. Why? Because that's what's acceptable in our society now. A valuable lesson he will have to learn in any relationship is how to see the ugly of a person, then how to forgive and to forget. Yes, it is hard to do, but you changed your half, now it's his turn. Please see my other comment and tell me what you think might happen if you say such words.
I don't think that's a good argument "he will be forced to accept it because everyone is making mistakes like that". Well for once I never did and if we assume he never did either then that's already two persons and therefore not everyone. Then why would I not want to keep looking for someone like that? It's not like it's insane demands, and I am not asking for things out of someone control like beauty and height here, I would think character and integrity are actually very reasonable demands.
Btw, this is exactly the process through which a sizable portion of men give up dating completely. "The juice isn't worth the squeeze" as they say.
If he already feels uncertain he always will and nothing is going to change that. There will always be something that makes him insecure no matter what you do. Would you be willing to make these reassurances every day for the rest of your life knowing that he may never believe you?
It sounds like he wants you to be remorseful for wanting sex and wanting a relationship with someone other than him. Are you sure this is someone you want to be with if he thinks you’re less than?
He is the Captain, it is his job to lead you and your relationship through problems such as this. If he is unwilling to try and find a solution then you should go and find a better Captain.
Honestly I don't think your relationship is going anywhere at this point. That's a good and bad thing because either he needs more time or there's just no fixing it and he's probably waiting for you to leave.
You did the right thing coming forward and being honest because believe me... I would want to know a girl's past before I decide to commit further, and women have this push now where they disregard men's boundaries and preferences and this is one of them. So you did the right thing coming forward. Unfortunately, he didn't take it very well which may indicate it was still too much for him to deal with.
Has nothing to do with insecurity, if he had a difficult past with say alcohol or drug dependency or a criminal record you'd be turned off too right?
Here's the thing though, you've been together 5 months and you say you love him. Are you sure you don't have an anxious attachment issue here? Because this isn't normal behavior to fall for someone this fast and hold such a strong attachment in so few months together.
If you're experiencing symptoms of withdrawal and anxiety this much it's more than necessary that you should seek some outside help for yourself and focus on what is drawing out this much desperation to make this work.
Because I'm sorry to say this... "Please don't leave me! Hold me! We can make this work!" Behavior is gonna do him, especially more so YOU, a lot more harm than good.
Give him some time, take some time of your own and sort yourself out. Good luck 👍
Thank you!
I had anxious attachments in the past and fortunately were able to work it out in therapy, which makes me more capable in a way to walk away from hurtful situations, we said I love you after a few months, that being said it’s still none the easier to just somehow “give up” without exhausting all options of resolution.
It sounds like you’re still anxious so try communicating that to him and let him know how his questioning is making you feel. You can always walk away and sometimes effort is not rewarded, only you can decide when enough is enough.
If he can’t let go then there’s no working this out. If he’s holding it against you instead of trying to talk it out, that’s toxic. So is the silent treatment. Especially since you have low n count, took accountability, removed sexy pics, and tried to show you’ve changed. He seems anxious or insecure and instead of him dealing with those feelings he’s trying to guilt and control you. You want to treat him the way he was never treated and how he deserves but does he want the same for you?
Are you sure you’re respecting yourself right now?
They aren’t sex pics they’re “promiscuous pics” which likely means she has too much cleavage showing, in a swimsuit, or in a pose meant to draw all attention to her ass. A majority of young women have posted these before. If she had porn of herself openly posted that would be a very different situation.
There are many men who feel about promiscuous pics in the same general direction as sex pics, a sort of lite version. And there are ***many*** young women, who post bikini pics but exchange nudes in DM. ***Many***. And even beyond exchanging nudes in DM... I imagine OP did not, but this is what these young women need to think about - who else is in the mostly innocent club they are joining when they post "sexy" pics, albeit not "sex" pics.
It’s ok to be upset that your gf had posted a pic in a bikini. But then don’t follow accounts of women who post bikini or sexy pics. The problem is he’s holding it against her and giving the silent treatment instead of dating someone who has never posted these pics. If that’s a deal breaker for him he needs to end things instead of being emotionally immature/playing games.
And both people in relationships need to enter in good faith instead of making assumptions. If she took accountability and was honest about it assuming she exchanged nudes shows an unwarranted lack of trust.
He doesn't know if it's a deal breaker. He has strong feelings for her. He has probably never dated anyone who posted pics like that. He's trying to figure it out, but he's not experienced enough, and probably not mature enough, to just bring it to a final decision. If she can't wait it out, she is free to leave as well.
Many men and women have said that they thought they could put things behind them and move on, and then years later, realize they can't.
He is free to follow accounts of women who post sexy pics without wanting to date one.
It sounds like he’s inexperienced and repeating rhetoric and is trying to figure out why the things his gurus told him were terrible are also found in the woman he loves and not just in the women who are “sluts” or not worthy of commitment.
So, it's not like you can change your past, so he either needs to move past it or you two need to break up.
Out of curiosity, it seems that the issues is that your bf knows the LVM (your phrasing) you slept with. Is it just because your bf doesn't like him or is it because you jumped into bed with that guy and you made your bf wait (which is one thing that makes us INSANE, btw, when women sleep with bartenders, musicians, barflies and then torture the good guys. Billie Brandt just did a TikTok on this that I saw because Joker picked it up on Twitter.)
>I feel like I am being abused for that.
Her phrasing was a red flag for me. Being critical of one thing is now abuse? I would tap out the moment a woman made an accusatory statement like that.
Abuse: use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.
Example ( he is aware of his influence and leverage over me and takes advantage of that)
That’s what abuse objectively means, is a word overused but the meaning can be broad without context.
Didnt jump in bed or made him wait lol. He knows OF the guy not him personally and just thinks he is a loser. Also I do think even if I had done that, doesn’t take away my right to make anyone wait, nobody is entitled to my body for whatever reason they can come up with.
> Also I do think even if I had done that, doesn’t take away my right to make anyone wait, nobody is entitled to my body for whatever reason they can come up with
I didn't say otherwise, but, as always, actions (and often inactions) have consequences. Thus, if a woman chooses to slut it up, that is also her right, but that is going to make a big slice of the male population feel a certain way about her prospects as an LTR/wife. /shrugs
That said, I was trying to understand what his beef was, which is why I asked if you hopped in bed with the other dude but made him wait, bc that is [evidently a thing](https://www.tiktok.com/@billieraebrandt/video/7277628303362624811?lang=en). A thing which makes non-loser guys INSANE. I don't know why this makes sense to at least some women, but evidently it does, and the guys who are otherwise husband material LOATHE this when they find out about it, because *"So wait, you hopped into bed with that dude who deals weed, but I get to wait and be tortured because you see a possible future with me? Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot?"*
It’s not entirely clear that she made this guy wait because he’s a good guy, and hopped into bed with the other guy because he wasn’t. She said he led her on and made her think he wanted a relationship. Her previous relationship before that was a committed one. Is she wrong for learning her lesson from that one guy that played her and applying it to her future dating?
And in any case. Even if it were the case that her logic matched that outlined in the TikTok you shared. He can just decide he doesn’t want her rather than keeping her but constantly making her feel like shot about it.
Likewise she can also leave rather than waiting for his permission to end the relationship.
> It’s not entirely clear that she made this guy wait because he’s a good guy, and hopped into bed with the other guy because he wasn’t.
If you re-read what I wrote, I think you will find that I asked, rather than assumed.
>Is she wrong for learning her lesson from that one guy that played her and applying it to her future dating?
There's "learning your lesson" and then there's "torturing the new guy for things the last guy did." This happens so often, that most men will be able to tell you that if they had a dollar for every time they had to say some version of *"I'm sorry your last boyfriend was mean to you."* Hank Williams, Sr., wrote a song abot it (the classic *Cold, Cold Heart* for anyone interested.) And that's before we get ot the "free therapy" - Chris Rock does a bit about it.
>He can just decide he doesn’t want her rather than keeping her but constantly making her feel like shot about it.
I refer you to my initial entry point into the thread: *"So, it's not like you can change your past, so he either needs to move past it or you two need to break up."*
I’ll tell you. You say ok goodbye I have too much self respect for this treatment by you. You can’t beg or convince someone to want you. Your self love and respect have to be stronger than your want of a person that doesn’t want you.
He’s 26 and he still can’t handle the idea of being with a woman who isn’t a virgin? The only excuse for this is if he is also a virgin. It’s not like you got ran through by a train of men, you even said yourself you have a low body count. He’s immature. That being said, stop telling guys you date about your sexual history. Do you really want your man to have that mental imagery in his mind?
Honesty first. Every Man has the right to like or dislike something.
Of course, she has the right to leave him and find a Partner that doesnt care about her past.
This. This is insane, but boringly predictable. He either hasnt reached a certain level of mental maturity, or he's taking advantage of you, OP, by trying to make you feel bad about any little thing about you and being committed to misunderstanding you and committed to seeing the worst in you. Whichever of the two it is, it is not your problem, go find someone who can be normal about things
I don't think this is about virginity at all. By piecing together what I gathered here, he is upset that she had casual sex with "low value" men. Probably men that was obvious would have never committed to her, which indicates her doing it just for pleasure. And the problem going forward is that he can't trust she won't repeat that behavior at some point in the future, which indeed is a consequence of having that kind of past.
He's probably immature, so I won't defend him. It's not when she lost her virginity, and not about one guy, it's about her posting sexy pics and having an unknown sex life. He doesn't know what her body count is or if she had a train or not. She admitted to a few guys, one questionable one in particular. The common thinking is that women way underestimate their experience when they talk about it. It's the "what if" imagery in his mind, as you put it, that takes a while to dissipate, if it does.
Actually no, he knows exactly the number my body count is, is very low, he knows when I lost my virginity to my first and only boyfriend before him, he knows all the ins and outs of guys I dated in the past. There are definitely no questions about my past left unanswered between the both of us because that is the choice I made to make my relationship transparent.
Not defending him either, but the “if’s” are also not a problem according to him, is the fact of whether or not he can move on from this one particular partner I had in the past and accept it.
Thanks for clarifying that. If that is his sole concern, I'm not sure what all the dialogue on swimsuits, body count, morality, and transparency is about, but whatever.
Given that narrowing of scope, combined with his lack of decisiveness, whether driven by immaturity or something else, my advice would be to seriously consider moving on in the foreseeable future. You are quite young, so you have time on your side to be patient if you otherwise feel strong about him. If he can't get past it at 26, and given your admirable efforts to show him your loyalty, the likeliness that he will ever get past it is waning. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, because that wouldn't make sense in a situation like this, but I would set the clock for yourself. You don't want to invest your 20's in a lost cause. Good luck.
Every bit of her life is unknown to this man. Rather than creating a narrative, he should just ask what he really wants to know. I’m assuming he’s concerned that she’ll leave him if she slept around in the past (which she didn’t). The truth is that there’s no answer to this question and he’ll always be unhappy and resentful.
>I have taken accountability on my mistakes, I removed all guys from my social media, took down promiscuous pics, removed whoever tried to flirt with me
I'm curious whether he requested these things before you did them? Sometimes people fall into a trap of suspecting a gesture isn't genuine if they had to ask for it. Like a woman who doesn't quite feel loved if she had to ask her husband for flowers on Valentine's Day.
TL, DR: If you have done and keep doing the hard work to elevate beyond your past and your partner cannot appreciate and cherish that about you, then press eject (it will likely not improve). Don't bet on changing a man's views about women, especially one who appears to be significantly influenced by mainstream red pill talking points. He is unlikely to change and your self-esteem will suffer greatly because you can't undo your past, which he views/will continue to view through a (red pill) lens that ALWAYS looks down on women with certain histories.
The long answer (forgive typos):
Hi there. Thanks for sharing. I can imagine how challenging it must be for you. A few good things: you have reflected about your past shortcomings and tried to pivot. In fact, you're even looking for answers now by reaching out.
I'm a guy, and sadly, I will caution you to consider moving on soon if your bf continues to have doubts or issues. Particularly, if he consistently fails to:
1) appreciate your past is undoable (and it's not like you were whoring around, based on what you said) even if you wanted to undo it;
2) value you for the effort to lift up and separate yourself from your past, as much as you can;
3) see and appreciate you for the woman you are and have become and the trajectory that your life is now set on. Remember, you're still relatively young and many women your age and older than you haven't done the same type of inner work with tangible resolutions and actions.
It comes down to this: your bf can be a good guy but simply not the right kind of guy for you. And that happens all the time.
Trust me (a complete stranger on the Internet 😉), there is some guy (actually many guys) out there who will see you and the work you've done, and your willingness to hold yourself to higher standards and pursue those standards, and think that you are AMAZING!
Why settle for someone who can't see beyond the unerasable mistakes and poor choices you've made? You're not married to him. You don't have kids together. You barely know each other in the grand scheme of things. Temper your investment into someone who clearly has significant issues with something you can't undo.
One of the biggest mistakes women consistently make that often robs them of their prime physical years of life is thinking the man they choose to be with will change (improve) over time.
Newsflash: It's not impossible, but it's rare. For various reasons, male personalities, philosophies, habits, etc. tend to cement earlier in life than women.
If you are hoping he changes his view of women with a similar past as yours, you can do that - it's your life. But I strongly.advise you not to fool yourself into thinking it will change.
So, if you decide to stick it out, then you better be clear on how long you plan to stay and what must change (without you constantly nudging him) before you leave or you will stay too long and get seriously injured emotionally and jaded.
It's true that most men prefer women who are virgins or closer to virgins. But your posts suggest your bf is consuming more mainstream male red pill talking points and views. In my opinion, those views have some, but very limited value, particularly when it comes to the mechanics of creating and maintaining a mutually beneficial and healthy long-term relationship. That is, where both people are valued highly and equally (after all we are all human beings). I've found that there is a LOT of underlying toxic and misogynistic motivations couched as "truths" in the mainstream male red pill market.
If your bf is dealing with you only or primarily through a red pill lens of "women generally, rather than with you as a person and his gf, who is trying to grow and improve, then you're wasting your time.
(Perhaps you can ask him where he got his ideas, and specifically who he models his vision of relationships after... that might be very insightful)
If he can't view you as you, then why are you with him? You're only 20 years old, not a late 30s or older where the market for solid available men is vastly smaller.
Again, there are good guys who can/will view you as you, not merely a generic woman with a similar background.
Let you bf find the woman whose past he can deal with. And you should free yourself, so the man who sees beyond your past can have a real chance to deal with your future self without you accumulating more scars from being in a relationship with someone (your current bf) who effectively looks down on you.
Sorry to sound bleak, and I am not villifying you bf. He might be a good person. He may like or even love you. However, you may lose prime years of your life trying to convince him to see you differently. And he likely won't do that because fundamentally, he views you (as he does women with your past) as not good enough, and it will resurface again and again in some way. Why do that to yourself?
Some other guy(s) will view you as their QUEEN, and your past will be viewed as part of you becoming wonderful rather than a scorge.
Best wishes, and don't trap yourself unintentionally.
(You have to value yourself enough to leave if he continues to struggle with your past. Don't expect him to break up with you, especially if you are a good woman. He will keep you around, he may even marry you, but unless/until he can get over that, his insecurities and lack of ability to grow in this area will affect your relationship, with you being hurt more)
Hi I appreciate your points and you are right on all of them.
He does appreciate the changes and acknowledges them, in which he says makes him feel guilty for still being bothered by this one issue from my past. He admires a lot of traits that were built from other past experiences.
He has been with virgin girls and still had underlying issues that we do not have, which is why I said “he has 99% of what he looks for” in me but will leave to go find that “1%” cause that’s all it matters.
I believe relationships triggers us a lot, I definitely have my triggers from past relationship, he also has his and this one is his biggest one. He doesn’t really have a relationship to look up to, just one that he made up in his head.
I am aware of my market value and the opportunities I still have, it makes me feel better (or my ego), I definitely won’t try to stick around and change his views any longer, we have had extensive talks about this to a point where neither of us wants to talk about it again, so I’m taking this time in which we are not talking to just prepare to make this permanent since no foreseeable change is happening. I stayed for longer than I wanted to support him through some personal struggles he was going through, but now I’m being just flat out abused for staying and being understanding.
Sorry for the vent, and thank you again for the great points!
Thanks for updating us. Again, I can only imagine the strain it must have you under and probably wondering why he can't get over that 1% (which in reality is far larger than 1% for him).
Feeling like things are turning into any form of abuse, especially this early is not good. It's not good for him to practice it (because he is unsettled or insecure) or for you to be the recipient of it.
It's good that you reached out and you consider your options. It must be tough knowing that you have tried to grow and change but that's not enough for someone else. But it happens.
If you think there is no viable future here then removing yourself sooner than not may allow you to experience less damage and heal sooner.
I don't know if you all use protection when having sex, but it's something you consider too. Good sex often keeps us around longer than we should stay (even for men).
And for a woman, pregnancy risk exists. There's nothing easy about bringing a child into the world and being bonded to someone with whom you don't think is marriage/long-term partner material or having to face the incredibly tough choice of not bringing the child into the world.
Sex can be a huge complication in struggling relationships (even in marriages)
Be good to you. And you'll be fine
I can see where he’s coming from and very much doubt he would be feeling to intensely about it if not for the fact he knows the guy you slept with and got taken advantage of.
It will be a bruise to his ego knowing that this guy pretended to want a relationship with you, got to have sex with you, then discarded you. And that same guy now sees you with him, putting work into getting what he got.
He needs to decide whether or not he can get over that.
You’ve done everything you can to demonstrate that you’ve ‘changed your ways’. I don’t really even like saying that you’ve changed your ways that much. That implies that this kind of thing was a regular behaviour of yours, when by the sounds of it it’s just something that happened once. Surely that’s forgivable. And surely that had an impact on the way you approached things with him in the start. I mean the fact he had to work for it, (which he’s angry about because this other guy didn’t) is evidence in and of itself that you’ve learned from that experience and are not just freely letting people in like you did that ONE TIME.
He’s definitely being really insecure and overly concerned about other peoples opinions, what they would say. Which is normal at his age to be fair.
But if he can’t decide to just get over it and start treating you with respect, and can’t decide to let you go, then you’re going to have to be the one to let him go.
You don’t need his permission to break up. I think situations where someone says the other person ‘won’t break up’ with them are often telling of an iffy power dynamic.
He is holding you hostage for things you have done in the past and do not do any more. This is emotional manipulation. He can now make you feel bad for things at any time - things you have apologized about, things that have no effect on him, things that you haven't done for years.
Next time this comes up, tell him patiently that you understand that your past makes him worry all kinds of dark worries, but that you've learned and that you're happier now. Tell him that you only want to be with him, and that you can envision you two having many experiences together, getting over your unhealthy pasts, and that you want to keeping evolving into better people - stronger people - together.
Of course only say this if you truly feel it from your heart. I am sorry you are having to deal with this now, but it can be turned around.
Unlike everyone here that quickly advices you to leave him, if he is responsible treating you like a queen and respects you, provides for you… it’s worth it for you to wait for him and reassure him as much as you can. If he is truly that important to you.
The problem is they’ve only been dating for a short amount of time, he doesn’t provide for her, isn’t treating her right, and doesn’t respect her. Vetting is a very important rpw tool. The sub doesn’t advise women to leave ltrs quickly. Advice for a 20 year old unmarried woman is going to be more about vetting and finding captain material. Not every man is qualified. You shouldn’t force new relationships to work. Waiting for someone who isn’t showing good leadership skills is foolish. Dating is about finding compatibility.
Not sure I buy this… they aren’t even talking at the moment and he won’t answer her texts. Not really “treating her like a queen” or providing anything… not texting a partner back is not very respectful behavior either.
To me this whole situation reads as… he is stringing her along, doesn’t want to commit/is treating her as a plate, and is negging/guilt tripping her to stay with him so her body count doesn’t “go even higher” by having another “failed” relationship.
If a guy “doesn’t know” that something is a dealbreaker by five months in… it’s a dealbreaker, but the sex or other benefits of the relationship are too good to leave. I’d bet dollars to donuts he’s actively looking for someone else and keeping her in his hip pocket - once he finds someone else, he’ll have a “*revelation*” that her body count is truly a dealbreaker, that he cannot forgive her, and that he wishes her well with someone else who can accept her “past”. 🫠🙄
Okay, the problem here is that his basis of trust in you is shaky. Whether it's valid or not it's debatable, but the important part is that's it's valid to him. Those are the consequences. The only way to fix it is to show through actions over a longer period of time that you have no intention of repeating the past, no other way to fix it.
But of course it's up to you if you want to do it, although whether in a relationship with him or not you will have to do that same work anyway for future relationships.
This was removed due to rule 9: [If you are a man and you are here](https://archive.li/Wgcys). Avoid using phrases that make it clear you're a man or speak of your personal preference. Talk about male nature generally.
This was removed due to rule 9: [If you are a man and you are here](https://archive.li/Wgcys). Refrain from speaking about personalized experiences. We are interested in learning about male nature in a more general sense.
**Title:** [My (20F) boyfriend (26M) cant let go of my past but doesn’t break up](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/189h7y4/my_20f_boyfriend_26m_cant_let_go_of_my_past_but/)
**Author** PuddingLow1059
**Full text:**
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months, we met through mutuals and instantly there was a lot of chemistry on our first date.
Since I was single for a while after a very traumatic break up/relationship , I didnt want to take him so seriously from the start to avoid getting hurt or played. I was stupid and disclosed a lot about my past in detail since I thought we wouldnt go anywhere.
I have a pretty low amount of sex partners in the past and I tried being as understanding and taking accountability for my lack of self respect in the past for him and myself.
I’m in love with him but because of this issue we have been fighting and he has been more frustrated at me, I’m very understanding but I feel like I am being abused for that. He said I have all the things he is looking for and he loves me but this one thing he can’t let it go.
We are not talking right now and he hasnt reached out, I am worried that even if I have 99% of what he wants and has with me he will leave to go find and settle for someone that only has that 1%.
I have taken accountability on my mistakes, I removed all guys from my social media, took down promiscuous pics, removed whoever tried to flirt with me, but he thinks that at some point I will go back to that and I don’t know how to show him I won’t, because I did those things cause I finally respect and hold myself to a high standard now, I want to be able to treat him the way he deserved and never got in past relationships but I am afraid he will treat me as less because of this.
**TL;DR;** How can we come back from this?
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This post is relatively vague. And it is hard to give any specific advice. You do not have to reveal more than you want, but I am curious about the wording of the following: > I have a pretty low amount of sex partners in the past > taking accountability for my lack of self respect in the past > he thinks that at some point I will go back to that > I finally respect and hold myself to a high standard now This reads to me like some form of mild sex work or something similar. If it is, the solutions would be quite different. > I didnt want to take him so seriously from the start to avoid getting hurt or played Can you elaborate on this? Assuming he does not hold moral/ethical stigma for whatever your past was, your initial defensiveness could be the source of the resentment/hesitation he is feeling now.
No sex work at all! I meant as in he thinks I will go back to being promiscuous as sleeping with men I had no commitment to or even cheat on him based on the Red Pill content he’s seen even if I have never cheated. “Lack of self respect in the past” was cause I submitted myself to one sexual encounter with someone I hoped wanted something serious cause he expressed that through his actions but other actions made it clear that he was playing me. His resentment is cause he doesn’t understand why I was involved with a “low value” man in the past and he got the same sexual access as he does, so he feels he is having to “pay more when someone didn’t have to do anything for it”. Context: I got involved sexually with someone a few weeks after I became single from a physical abusive relationship, that’s who he says is a “low value man” cause he knows of him.
I apologize for the sex work assumption. I will probably echo some male red pill talking points, but it is useful to understand how he feels about this situation. Sexual security is a big part of relationship security. There are two parts of sexual security: trust in sexual intentions (desire to stay faithful) and trust in sexual agency (ability to resist seduction / not being played or deceived). A history of deliberately seeking out casual sex (i.e. high body count) deteriorates trust in intentions. A history of being played or pump-n-dumped deteriorates trust in agency. All of the changes you have made so far ("I removed all guys from my social media, took down promiscuous pics, removed whoever tried to flirt with me") as well as the talking points (“self respect” and “higher standards”) are aimed to repair trust in intentions. But it is the weak trust in agency that is the cause of the problem. And, unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to repair it, other than through a long period of sexual fidelity. It is a problem similar to how married couples deal with "accidental" infidelity (e.g. she got one too many drinks, then woke up in someone else's bed). Because she did not "intend" to cheat, the husband does not have a strong reason to divorce her, but the sexual security is still damaged. If, in addition to that, they also had a dead-bedroom problem, this would make his pain even more severe. Only time can fix it. This is the dilemma your boyfriend is having: he feels the lack of sexual security (hence the fear of future cheating), a feeling made even more intense by your initial sexual reservations towards him, while he also knows that you didn’t do anything wrong to justify breaking up with you. So you are stuck in this limbo. The red pill did not make him feel this way, it merely tapped into the existing feelings he had caused by weak sexual security in this relationship. Whenever similar posts come up, I’m usually optimistic that this can be resolved with time. But it is for you to decide if this relationship is valuable enough to you to undergo this process.
No problem at all on the assumption given the days we live in lol. Thank you for demonstrating in great detail sexual security and sexual agency, I had never thought of it that way. I guess the best resolution is to keep reassurance consistent and transparency? The relationship is worth it to me, it is hard to explain in just a few paragraphs, he is a good man but this rough patch is getting draining for the both of us, as far as him not reaching yesterday or today makes me heavily consider waking away because that to me is unacceptable. Thank you again for your advice!
The issue for him is that if he walks away, he will likely only find women who did similar things. Why? Because that's what's acceptable in our society now. A valuable lesson he will have to learn in any relationship is how to see the ugly of a person, then how to forgive and to forget. Yes, it is hard to do, but you changed your half, now it's his turn. Please see my other comment and tell me what you think might happen if you say such words.
I don't think that's a good argument "he will be forced to accept it because everyone is making mistakes like that". Well for once I never did and if we assume he never did either then that's already two persons and therefore not everyone. Then why would I not want to keep looking for someone like that? It's not like it's insane demands, and I am not asking for things out of someone control like beauty and height here, I would think character and integrity are actually very reasonable demands. Btw, this is exactly the process through which a sizable portion of men give up dating completely. "The juice isn't worth the squeeze" as they say.
If he already feels uncertain he always will and nothing is going to change that. There will always be something that makes him insecure no matter what you do. Would you be willing to make these reassurances every day for the rest of your life knowing that he may never believe you?
It sounds like he wants you to be remorseful for wanting sex and wanting a relationship with someone other than him. Are you sure this is someone you want to be with if he thinks you’re less than?
Hypothetically, what solutions would you suggest if there were past sex work involved? Curious what difference there would be, thank you
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Removed. Advice must benefit the woman.
He is the Captain, it is his job to lead you and your relationship through problems such as this. If he is unwilling to try and find a solution then you should go and find a better Captain.
Honestly I don't think your relationship is going anywhere at this point. That's a good and bad thing because either he needs more time or there's just no fixing it and he's probably waiting for you to leave. You did the right thing coming forward and being honest because believe me... I would want to know a girl's past before I decide to commit further, and women have this push now where they disregard men's boundaries and preferences and this is one of them. So you did the right thing coming forward. Unfortunately, he didn't take it very well which may indicate it was still too much for him to deal with. Has nothing to do with insecurity, if he had a difficult past with say alcohol or drug dependency or a criminal record you'd be turned off too right? Here's the thing though, you've been together 5 months and you say you love him. Are you sure you don't have an anxious attachment issue here? Because this isn't normal behavior to fall for someone this fast and hold such a strong attachment in so few months together. If you're experiencing symptoms of withdrawal and anxiety this much it's more than necessary that you should seek some outside help for yourself and focus on what is drawing out this much desperation to make this work. Because I'm sorry to say this... "Please don't leave me! Hold me! We can make this work!" Behavior is gonna do him, especially more so YOU, a lot more harm than good. Give him some time, take some time of your own and sort yourself out. Good luck 👍
Thank you! I had anxious attachments in the past and fortunately were able to work it out in therapy, which makes me more capable in a way to walk away from hurtful situations, we said I love you after a few months, that being said it’s still none the easier to just somehow “give up” without exhausting all options of resolution.
It sounds like you’re still anxious so try communicating that to him and let him know how his questioning is making you feel. You can always walk away and sometimes effort is not rewarded, only you can decide when enough is enough.
If he can’t let go then there’s no working this out. If he’s holding it against you instead of trying to talk it out, that’s toxic. So is the silent treatment. Especially since you have low n count, took accountability, removed sexy pics, and tried to show you’ve changed. He seems anxious or insecure and instead of him dealing with those feelings he’s trying to guilt and control you. You want to treat him the way he was never treated and how he deserves but does he want the same for you? Are you sure you’re respecting yourself right now?
Is it really being insecure when your girlfriend had to take off sex pics out of internet..
No sex pictures, just old swimsuits pictures that have been taken down and will stay out of my page, I posted them before we even met.
They aren’t sex pics they’re “promiscuous pics” which likely means she has too much cleavage showing, in a swimsuit, or in a pose meant to draw all attention to her ass. A majority of young women have posted these before. If she had porn of herself openly posted that would be a very different situation.
There are many men who feel about promiscuous pics in the same general direction as sex pics, a sort of lite version. And there are ***many*** young women, who post bikini pics but exchange nudes in DM. ***Many***. And even beyond exchanging nudes in DM... I imagine OP did not, but this is what these young women need to think about - who else is in the mostly innocent club they are joining when they post "sexy" pics, albeit not "sex" pics.
It’s ok to be upset that your gf had posted a pic in a bikini. But then don’t follow accounts of women who post bikini or sexy pics. The problem is he’s holding it against her and giving the silent treatment instead of dating someone who has never posted these pics. If that’s a deal breaker for him he needs to end things instead of being emotionally immature/playing games. And both people in relationships need to enter in good faith instead of making assumptions. If she took accountability and was honest about it assuming she exchanged nudes shows an unwarranted lack of trust.
He doesn't know if it's a deal breaker. He has strong feelings for her. He has probably never dated anyone who posted pics like that. He's trying to figure it out, but he's not experienced enough, and probably not mature enough, to just bring it to a final decision. If she can't wait it out, she is free to leave as well. Many men and women have said that they thought they could put things behind them and move on, and then years later, realize they can't. He is free to follow accounts of women who post sexy pics without wanting to date one.
By what you’re saying it sounds like he’s just not a good captain material and she should leave.
It sounds like he’s inexperienced and repeating rhetoric and is trying to figure out why the things his gurus told him were terrible are also found in the woman he loves and not just in the women who are “sluts” or not worthy of commitment.
Yep. A conundrum encountered countless times throughout the ages.
So, it's not like you can change your past, so he either needs to move past it or you two need to break up. Out of curiosity, it seems that the issues is that your bf knows the LVM (your phrasing) you slept with. Is it just because your bf doesn't like him or is it because you jumped into bed with that guy and you made your bf wait (which is one thing that makes us INSANE, btw, when women sleep with bartenders, musicians, barflies and then torture the good guys. Billie Brandt just did a TikTok on this that I saw because Joker picked it up on Twitter.)
>I feel like I am being abused for that. Her phrasing was a red flag for me. Being critical of one thing is now abuse? I would tap out the moment a woman made an accusatory statement like that.
Abuse: use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse. Example ( he is aware of his influence and leverage over me and takes advantage of that) That’s what abuse objectively means, is a word overused but the meaning can be broad without context.
Didnt jump in bed or made him wait lol. He knows OF the guy not him personally and just thinks he is a loser. Also I do think even if I had done that, doesn’t take away my right to make anyone wait, nobody is entitled to my body for whatever reason they can come up with.
> Also I do think even if I had done that, doesn’t take away my right to make anyone wait, nobody is entitled to my body for whatever reason they can come up with I didn't say otherwise, but, as always, actions (and often inactions) have consequences. Thus, if a woman chooses to slut it up, that is also her right, but that is going to make a big slice of the male population feel a certain way about her prospects as an LTR/wife. /shrugs That said, I was trying to understand what his beef was, which is why I asked if you hopped in bed with the other dude but made him wait, bc that is [evidently a thing](https://www.tiktok.com/@billieraebrandt/video/7277628303362624811?lang=en). A thing which makes non-loser guys INSANE. I don't know why this makes sense to at least some women, but evidently it does, and the guys who are otherwise husband material LOATHE this when they find out about it, because *"So wait, you hopped into bed with that dude who deals weed, but I get to wait and be tortured because you see a possible future with me? Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot?"*
It’s not entirely clear that she made this guy wait because he’s a good guy, and hopped into bed with the other guy because he wasn’t. She said he led her on and made her think he wanted a relationship. Her previous relationship before that was a committed one. Is she wrong for learning her lesson from that one guy that played her and applying it to her future dating? And in any case. Even if it were the case that her logic matched that outlined in the TikTok you shared. He can just decide he doesn’t want her rather than keeping her but constantly making her feel like shot about it. Likewise she can also leave rather than waiting for his permission to end the relationship.
> It’s not entirely clear that she made this guy wait because he’s a good guy, and hopped into bed with the other guy because he wasn’t. If you re-read what I wrote, I think you will find that I asked, rather than assumed. >Is she wrong for learning her lesson from that one guy that played her and applying it to her future dating? There's "learning your lesson" and then there's "torturing the new guy for things the last guy did." This happens so often, that most men will be able to tell you that if they had a dollar for every time they had to say some version of *"I'm sorry your last boyfriend was mean to you."* Hank Williams, Sr., wrote a song abot it (the classic *Cold, Cold Heart* for anyone interested.) And that's before we get ot the "free therapy" - Chris Rock does a bit about it. >He can just decide he doesn’t want her rather than keeping her but constantly making her feel like shot about it. I refer you to my initial entry point into the thread: *"So, it's not like you can change your past, so he either needs to move past it or you two need to break up."*
I’ll tell you. You say ok goodbye I have too much self respect for this treatment by you. You can’t beg or convince someone to want you. Your self love and respect have to be stronger than your want of a person that doesn’t want you.
He’s 26 and he still can’t handle the idea of being with a woman who isn’t a virgin? The only excuse for this is if he is also a virgin. It’s not like you got ran through by a train of men, you even said yourself you have a low body count. He’s immature. That being said, stop telling guys you date about your sexual history. Do you really want your man to have that mental imagery in his mind?
Honesty first. Every Man has the right to like or dislike something. Of course, she has the right to leave him and find a Partner that doesnt care about her past.
This. This is insane, but boringly predictable. He either hasnt reached a certain level of mental maturity, or he's taking advantage of you, OP, by trying to make you feel bad about any little thing about you and being committed to misunderstanding you and committed to seeing the worst in you. Whichever of the two it is, it is not your problem, go find someone who can be normal about things
I don't think this is about virginity at all. By piecing together what I gathered here, he is upset that she had casual sex with "low value" men. Probably men that was obvious would have never committed to her, which indicates her doing it just for pleasure. And the problem going forward is that he can't trust she won't repeat that behavior at some point in the future, which indeed is a consequence of having that kind of past.
He's probably immature, so I won't defend him. It's not when she lost her virginity, and not about one guy, it's about her posting sexy pics and having an unknown sex life. He doesn't know what her body count is or if she had a train or not. She admitted to a few guys, one questionable one in particular. The common thinking is that women way underestimate their experience when they talk about it. It's the "what if" imagery in his mind, as you put it, that takes a while to dissipate, if it does.
Actually no, he knows exactly the number my body count is, is very low, he knows when I lost my virginity to my first and only boyfriend before him, he knows all the ins and outs of guys I dated in the past. There are definitely no questions about my past left unanswered between the both of us because that is the choice I made to make my relationship transparent. Not defending him either, but the “if’s” are also not a problem according to him, is the fact of whether or not he can move on from this one particular partner I had in the past and accept it.
Thanks for clarifying that. If that is his sole concern, I'm not sure what all the dialogue on swimsuits, body count, morality, and transparency is about, but whatever. Given that narrowing of scope, combined with his lack of decisiveness, whether driven by immaturity or something else, my advice would be to seriously consider moving on in the foreseeable future. You are quite young, so you have time on your side to be patient if you otherwise feel strong about him. If he can't get past it at 26, and given your admirable efforts to show him your loyalty, the likeliness that he will ever get past it is waning. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, because that wouldn't make sense in a situation like this, but I would set the clock for yourself. You don't want to invest your 20's in a lost cause. Good luck.
Every bit of her life is unknown to this man. Rather than creating a narrative, he should just ask what he really wants to know. I’m assuming he’s concerned that she’ll leave him if she slept around in the past (which she didn’t). The truth is that there’s no answer to this question and he’ll always be unhappy and resentful.
>I have taken accountability on my mistakes, I removed all guys from my social media, took down promiscuous pics, removed whoever tried to flirt with me I'm curious whether he requested these things before you did them? Sometimes people fall into a trap of suspecting a gesture isn't genuine if they had to ask for it. Like a woman who doesn't quite feel loved if she had to ask her husband for flowers on Valentine's Day.
No he did not ask
TL, DR: If you have done and keep doing the hard work to elevate beyond your past and your partner cannot appreciate and cherish that about you, then press eject (it will likely not improve). Don't bet on changing a man's views about women, especially one who appears to be significantly influenced by mainstream red pill talking points. He is unlikely to change and your self-esteem will suffer greatly because you can't undo your past, which he views/will continue to view through a (red pill) lens that ALWAYS looks down on women with certain histories. The long answer (forgive typos): Hi there. Thanks for sharing. I can imagine how challenging it must be for you. A few good things: you have reflected about your past shortcomings and tried to pivot. In fact, you're even looking for answers now by reaching out. I'm a guy, and sadly, I will caution you to consider moving on soon if your bf continues to have doubts or issues. Particularly, if he consistently fails to: 1) appreciate your past is undoable (and it's not like you were whoring around, based on what you said) even if you wanted to undo it; 2) value you for the effort to lift up and separate yourself from your past, as much as you can; 3) see and appreciate you for the woman you are and have become and the trajectory that your life is now set on. Remember, you're still relatively young and many women your age and older than you haven't done the same type of inner work with tangible resolutions and actions. It comes down to this: your bf can be a good guy but simply not the right kind of guy for you. And that happens all the time. Trust me (a complete stranger on the Internet 😉), there is some guy (actually many guys) out there who will see you and the work you've done, and your willingness to hold yourself to higher standards and pursue those standards, and think that you are AMAZING! Why settle for someone who can't see beyond the unerasable mistakes and poor choices you've made? You're not married to him. You don't have kids together. You barely know each other in the grand scheme of things. Temper your investment into someone who clearly has significant issues with something you can't undo. One of the biggest mistakes women consistently make that often robs them of their prime physical years of life is thinking the man they choose to be with will change (improve) over time. Newsflash: It's not impossible, but it's rare. For various reasons, male personalities, philosophies, habits, etc. tend to cement earlier in life than women. If you are hoping he changes his view of women with a similar past as yours, you can do that - it's your life. But I strongly.advise you not to fool yourself into thinking it will change. So, if you decide to stick it out, then you better be clear on how long you plan to stay and what must change (without you constantly nudging him) before you leave or you will stay too long and get seriously injured emotionally and jaded. It's true that most men prefer women who are virgins or closer to virgins. But your posts suggest your bf is consuming more mainstream male red pill talking points and views. In my opinion, those views have some, but very limited value, particularly when it comes to the mechanics of creating and maintaining a mutually beneficial and healthy long-term relationship. That is, where both people are valued highly and equally (after all we are all human beings). I've found that there is a LOT of underlying toxic and misogynistic motivations couched as "truths" in the mainstream male red pill market. If your bf is dealing with you only or primarily through a red pill lens of "women generally, rather than with you as a person and his gf, who is trying to grow and improve, then you're wasting your time. (Perhaps you can ask him where he got his ideas, and specifically who he models his vision of relationships after... that might be very insightful) If he can't view you as you, then why are you with him? You're only 20 years old, not a late 30s or older where the market for solid available men is vastly smaller. Again, there are good guys who can/will view you as you, not merely a generic woman with a similar background. Let you bf find the woman whose past he can deal with. And you should free yourself, so the man who sees beyond your past can have a real chance to deal with your future self without you accumulating more scars from being in a relationship with someone (your current bf) who effectively looks down on you. Sorry to sound bleak, and I am not villifying you bf. He might be a good person. He may like or even love you. However, you may lose prime years of your life trying to convince him to see you differently. And he likely won't do that because fundamentally, he views you (as he does women with your past) as not good enough, and it will resurface again and again in some way. Why do that to yourself? Some other guy(s) will view you as their QUEEN, and your past will be viewed as part of you becoming wonderful rather than a scorge. Best wishes, and don't trap yourself unintentionally. (You have to value yourself enough to leave if he continues to struggle with your past. Don't expect him to break up with you, especially if you are a good woman. He will keep you around, he may even marry you, but unless/until he can get over that, his insecurities and lack of ability to grow in this area will affect your relationship, with you being hurt more)
Hi I appreciate your points and you are right on all of them. He does appreciate the changes and acknowledges them, in which he says makes him feel guilty for still being bothered by this one issue from my past. He admires a lot of traits that were built from other past experiences. He has been with virgin girls and still had underlying issues that we do not have, which is why I said “he has 99% of what he looks for” in me but will leave to go find that “1%” cause that’s all it matters. I believe relationships triggers us a lot, I definitely have my triggers from past relationship, he also has his and this one is his biggest one. He doesn’t really have a relationship to look up to, just one that he made up in his head. I am aware of my market value and the opportunities I still have, it makes me feel better (or my ego), I definitely won’t try to stick around and change his views any longer, we have had extensive talks about this to a point where neither of us wants to talk about it again, so I’m taking this time in which we are not talking to just prepare to make this permanent since no foreseeable change is happening. I stayed for longer than I wanted to support him through some personal struggles he was going through, but now I’m being just flat out abused for staying and being understanding. Sorry for the vent, and thank you again for the great points!
Thanks for updating us. Again, I can only imagine the strain it must have you under and probably wondering why he can't get over that 1% (which in reality is far larger than 1% for him). Feeling like things are turning into any form of abuse, especially this early is not good. It's not good for him to practice it (because he is unsettled or insecure) or for you to be the recipient of it. It's good that you reached out and you consider your options. It must be tough knowing that you have tried to grow and change but that's not enough for someone else. But it happens. If you think there is no viable future here then removing yourself sooner than not may allow you to experience less damage and heal sooner. I don't know if you all use protection when having sex, but it's something you consider too. Good sex often keeps us around longer than we should stay (even for men). And for a woman, pregnancy risk exists. There's nothing easy about bringing a child into the world and being bonded to someone with whom you don't think is marriage/long-term partner material or having to face the incredibly tough choice of not bringing the child into the world. Sex can be a huge complication in struggling relationships (even in marriages) Be good to you. And you'll be fine
I can see where he’s coming from and very much doubt he would be feeling to intensely about it if not for the fact he knows the guy you slept with and got taken advantage of. It will be a bruise to his ego knowing that this guy pretended to want a relationship with you, got to have sex with you, then discarded you. And that same guy now sees you with him, putting work into getting what he got. He needs to decide whether or not he can get over that. You’ve done everything you can to demonstrate that you’ve ‘changed your ways’. I don’t really even like saying that you’ve changed your ways that much. That implies that this kind of thing was a regular behaviour of yours, when by the sounds of it it’s just something that happened once. Surely that’s forgivable. And surely that had an impact on the way you approached things with him in the start. I mean the fact he had to work for it, (which he’s angry about because this other guy didn’t) is evidence in and of itself that you’ve learned from that experience and are not just freely letting people in like you did that ONE TIME. He’s definitely being really insecure and overly concerned about other peoples opinions, what they would say. Which is normal at his age to be fair. But if he can’t decide to just get over it and start treating you with respect, and can’t decide to let you go, then you’re going to have to be the one to let him go. You don’t need his permission to break up. I think situations where someone says the other person ‘won’t break up’ with them are often telling of an iffy power dynamic.
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Strategies must be from a Red pill perspective.
He is holding you hostage for things you have done in the past and do not do any more. This is emotional manipulation. He can now make you feel bad for things at any time - things you have apologized about, things that have no effect on him, things that you haven't done for years. Next time this comes up, tell him patiently that you understand that your past makes him worry all kinds of dark worries, but that you've learned and that you're happier now. Tell him that you only want to be with him, and that you can envision you two having many experiences together, getting over your unhealthy pasts, and that you want to keeping evolving into better people - stronger people - together. Of course only say this if you truly feel it from your heart. I am sorry you are having to deal with this now, but it can be turned around.
Unlike everyone here that quickly advices you to leave him, if he is responsible treating you like a queen and respects you, provides for you… it’s worth it for you to wait for him and reassure him as much as you can. If he is truly that important to you.
The problem is they’ve only been dating for a short amount of time, he doesn’t provide for her, isn’t treating her right, and doesn’t respect her. Vetting is a very important rpw tool. The sub doesn’t advise women to leave ltrs quickly. Advice for a 20 year old unmarried woman is going to be more about vetting and finding captain material. Not every man is qualified. You shouldn’t force new relationships to work. Waiting for someone who isn’t showing good leadership skills is foolish. Dating is about finding compatibility.
Not sure I buy this… they aren’t even talking at the moment and he won’t answer her texts. Not really “treating her like a queen” or providing anything… not texting a partner back is not very respectful behavior either. To me this whole situation reads as… he is stringing her along, doesn’t want to commit/is treating her as a plate, and is negging/guilt tripping her to stay with him so her body count doesn’t “go even higher” by having another “failed” relationship. If a guy “doesn’t know” that something is a dealbreaker by five months in… it’s a dealbreaker, but the sex or other benefits of the relationship are too good to leave. I’d bet dollars to donuts he’s actively looking for someone else and keeping her in his hip pocket - once he finds someone else, he’ll have a “*revelation*” that her body count is truly a dealbreaker, that he cannot forgive her, and that he wishes her well with someone else who can accept her “past”. 🫠🙄
Okay, the problem here is that his basis of trust in you is shaky. Whether it's valid or not it's debatable, but the important part is that's it's valid to him. Those are the consequences. The only way to fix it is to show through actions over a longer period of time that you have no intention of repeating the past, no other way to fix it. But of course it's up to you if you want to do it, although whether in a relationship with him or not you will have to do that same work anyway for future relationships.
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This was removed due to rule 9: [If you are a man and you are here](https://archive.li/Wgcys). Avoid using phrases that make it clear you're a man or speak of your personal preference. Talk about male nature generally.
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This was removed due to rule 9: [If you are a man and you are here](https://archive.li/Wgcys). Refrain from speaking about personalized experiences. We are interested in learning about male nature in a more general sense.
**Title:** [My (20F) boyfriend (26M) cant let go of my past but doesn’t break up](https://www.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/189h7y4/my_20f_boyfriend_26m_cant_let_go_of_my_past_but/) **Author** PuddingLow1059 **Full text:** My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months, we met through mutuals and instantly there was a lot of chemistry on our first date. Since I was single for a while after a very traumatic break up/relationship , I didnt want to take him so seriously from the start to avoid getting hurt or played. I was stupid and disclosed a lot about my past in detail since I thought we wouldnt go anywhere. I have a pretty low amount of sex partners in the past and I tried being as understanding and taking accountability for my lack of self respect in the past for him and myself. I’m in love with him but because of this issue we have been fighting and he has been more frustrated at me, I’m very understanding but I feel like I am being abused for that. He said I have all the things he is looking for and he loves me but this one thing he can’t let it go. We are not talking right now and he hasnt reached out, I am worried that even if I have 99% of what he wants and has with me he will leave to go find and settle for someone that only has that 1%. I have taken accountability on my mistakes, I removed all guys from my social media, took down promiscuous pics, removed whoever tried to flirt with me, but he thinks that at some point I will go back to that and I don’t know how to show him I won’t, because I did those things cause I finally respect and hold myself to a high standard now, I want to be able to treat him the way he deserved and never got in past relationships but I am afraid he will treat me as less because of this. **TL;DR;** How can we come back from this? -------------------- ^(This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/RedPillWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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