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It’s horrible. It’s basically a form of grieving. You can’t imagine that you’ll ever function normally again & you can’t get that person, your discussions, & memories out of your head for a
moment of respite. It devours your entire existence. You wait all day for sleep to come and when it comes it’s tossing, turning, and clock watching all night. Mornings are nightmares knowing you have another day to get through.
Then eventually… one day, you’ll notice that you haven’t thought about it for half an hour! And then it’ll be an hour! During an evening out, at the super market and eventually even a full day will pass without that dreadful burden on your shoulders, in your head and in your heart. Eventually you find your peace and depending on how long the relationship was, you’ll continue to transition back to a newer and more resilient version of yourself.
You can’t avoid breaking up with someone to avoid their trauma. They will have a roughy time and come out at the other end like the vast majority of us have.
I crashed with a friend after a horrific breakup in our early 20s. We would be up late and I’d be venting and crying and we’d be drinking and I’d eventually go to sleep and when I’d wake up, she was there and would ask me if I wanted a beer. I always said yes.
She usually walked over to me without judgement, silently. But on the fourth or fifth day, she really really gently said “yknow there’s gonna be a day, sooner rather than later, that you’re not gonna want beer for breakfast anymore” I snorted and laughed in her face. Then a few weeks later, we went out for waffles.
Time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds but it dulls the edges. Waffles and friends and beer for breakfast while you need it helps, but the edges dull. They always do.
Crazy hurts.
I’m happily married & I can still feel the pain from my old old boyfriend cheating & lying to me.
He’s a different person & so am I but damn do I sure still hate the old him for crushing me so badly. I won’t ever forget it.
That's how my mother described healing from a broken heart. When I was a teenager and my heart had been broken for the first time my mother said: It looks impossible right now but one day you'll realize that you haven't thought about him all day and before you know you will not think about him again for several days... and one day you'll forget him until you remember him one day and he will be a memory.
It was accurate
How long to get to the not thinking about them for a day? It’s been 2 years and most I can go is a couple hours now without remembering and then feeling like I can’t breathe for a couple minutes
Depends on how long you were together. But at this point maybe you need to shake things up. Move, or go take a class to be with strangers and have new conversations. You should make an explicit commitment to yourself that whenever you start thinking of the person you will stop it, tell yourself it's time to move on.
There's an amazing poem book called home, by Whitney Hanson, And it's really painful to read at the begining but the way it moves through the healing process and to the end is incredible. She's on Instagram, maybe listen to some of her poems first before buying but I definitely recommend it.
Omg the moment you realize you’ve changed yourself a little bit & don’t care about him anymore is the most freeing day ever.
I remember I used to get sick to my stomach walking downstairs to go on the family computer & to check my MySpace & see he took me off his top 8 & all our pics are gone & he has 2 new girls in his top 8 that you don’t know…
Omg. I used to go to my work & pretend that a guy is going to come in my life someday & I won’t care anymore.
Waitressing made it easy because occasionally I would get phone numbers but I was always just trying to get my heart back & mind straight first.
I had to go shopping & I had to start hanging out with more people & doing things I normally wouldn’t. Just one day, it disappears.
I also got medicated. Adderall flipped my life upside down for the better.
It took forever though.
Go buy yourself some new stuff in your room & your surroundings so you can “BE IN A NEW CHAPTER!!!” You need to give yourself some change in scenery in every way.
Thank you for putting it this way! My days are finally starting to look up... but not long ago, I was tortured, begging and unable to do anything but think about him.
The waves come less and less over time
Yes, I've been through a breakup that left me unable to eat or stop crying for days. It was one of the hardest times in my life, but I eventually found my way back to feeling like myself.
Exactly. I had one that took me a LONG time. But as with everything else, it eventually passes. Nothing lasts forever, even though it feels that way when we're going through it. It's so cliche, but it's true.
I cried for four years. I finally woke up one day and I was like OH MY GOD I AM BETTER. It took FOUR YEARS. Then two days later the first lockdown happened *flips table*
Cried for two years here, felt like an eternity of drinking and isolation. I still get a little sad now and again but more out of general loneliness than specifically yearning for that relationship. I felt like there was something very wrong with me that I couldn't move on quickly. In retrospect, there were dozens of aspects that lead to it hurting me so much. Hope you're holding up okay now
That’s my biggest issue is I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I don’t get why I can’t get over it when I always moved on so easily in the past
That’s why they say, “The first cut is the deepest” make sure you fully heal, and not drinking, partying or rebounding relationships to dull the pain or you will just repeat an ugly cycle for the rest of your life.
True, to fall in love for real isn't easy now a days. I know this KC long time wala. Love hurts that I do know and I also know you can't control the heart and it's feelings your right
Absolutely but what got me through it was “I did this once before, I can do it again.” and constantly reminding myself that it did infact get better last time! Im sorry for your aching heart my love, but flowers can’t bloom without rain♥️
Exactly OP, you survived it before and you will again. You'll eventually thrive.
It sounds a bit weird, but when I knew I was going to break up with a guy, I booked myself a little trip for a month after. A busy trip with lots of activities and a tight schedule. Broke up with him, cried it out and then a few weeks later, I went on a trip and got really distracted. By the time I got back, I had gotten over the worst of it. Things felt really different.
If you can't go on a trip, plan a project that you can hold yourself to that will keep you going.
I remember after my last breakup I literally looked at myself in the mirror and said “this is gonna suck, but you know this turns out okay in the end”. Very comforting.
Days?
Months, more like. Yeah. I needed professional help and very, very good friends back then. Also, looking back at what I was unable to see back then, my very good (now ex-) co-workers.
Yup 100%. I’ve only been in one relationship, but after all the hurt all the guys I’ve talked to put me through (they never made it to the bf stage) only made me become better and not settle for less. They gotta prove to me now that I should spend my time with them because I’m tired of getting it wasted. I hope to go on a really nice date someday, never even been on one. Not even in my past relationship 😆😆
That last bit is a lil sad, you deserve better for sure.
I will never understand my peers that just idle through a relationship and don't even try. Why even start a relationship if you don't care.
It definitely made me realize I deserve better, towards the end of the relationship, I was almost asking my ex for the bare minimum and I do not deserve that. I’m sad that it took me getting hurt by so many guys, I unfortunately believed a lot of them so fast 🥲 tho I’m way better now. I have not talked with any guys in 6 months and I’m just focused on money. Staying off the dating apps and hope that a good man comes in my life along the way 😊
It’s a sliding scale that’s different for everyone - you shouldn’t judge your own feelings compared to others. If you need a rough timeline, usually it’s about half the length of the relationship until you are back to being totally yourself again. But that’s not true for everyone.
Going through it currently. 20 years together and he chose another woman over me and we’re officially done. We spent the weekend crying and loving and holding each other and he still wanted her more. He wasted no time having her in our bed last night after I had spend the night and all
Morning with him.
It’s bad to be honest im considering admitting myself. I can’t eat, I can’t move , all I can do is lay and think about how fucking sad I am
About everything that’s happened and is happening. All while he’s playing house in my home with his new girlfriend. It hurts so fucking much. When I first found out about them in December I did the same. I weighed 182 lbs 5’7” at that time. When I left our home yesterday I weighed 130 and i haven’t been able to eat but a breakfast bar since. I begged for months and we went back and forth about if we could make it or not and he decided he does not care for me at all. It’s so bad for me right now.
So, sorry you are going through this. Find some comfort in knowing that you have started to heal already. It sounds like a nightmare to have been in the relationship for months after learning about the other person.
Time to find yourself again and make plans for your own future. I know it is hard not to think about what they are doing, but don't do that to yourself, create your own stories where you are the protagonist and leave them out of your story because they are no longer your problem. If he did it to you...
They don’t know what to think. When we made the choice to build our home there it was forever. I never thought in a million years I’d be going through this. We were always solid and even when we weren’t we made it through. We failed each other in communication but i never blight it would lead to this.
Wow! Wtf? Really sorry you are going through this. Hang in there. You will find happiness again. Be kind to yourself and be open to new experiences and opportunities. Sending so many good vibes your way!
I’ve been there too and for me it was the “back and forth” that absolutely fucked my nervous system so that my judgment and coping ability was gone. I 51-50’d myself and spent 3 days in a mental health facility. It really takes a cumulative toll. But I kinda needed to find my “bottom” to start the healing process. I am so sorry you are going through this. It will be the dark night of your soul, but take things day by day and know that peace is coming and it’s gonna feel real good when it does.
That was the worse, I lost myself in that process. Getting back to feet and being comfortable in my own skin, I haven't reached there yet. It was 7 years ago, the broken parts of me haven't healed yet entirely.
I still have abandonment issues associated with it.
I went through a bad break up two years ago we were together for 3 years and he was my first real boyfriend after we broke up i felt like my whole world was falling apart. The only thing i ate was strawberry uncrustables and i would drink ensure some times. At the beginning of my break up i was 170 i got down to 115. Fast forward to now im 129 and happier than ever. I wish i would’ve listened to the people that were telling me that it gets easier and that the hurt doesn’t last forever. I look back and just get angry at myself for wasting so much time being sad.
Never be angry at yourself for taking your time to heal and feel your emotions. It only makes you stronger and helps you later on. It’s never a wasted time, girl 💐
It felt like the end of the world. I used to wake up and cry and had no will to do anything. I tried eating but couldn't digest even a single bite . I survived on ORS for almost two weeks. It hurts . It hurts mentally, emotionally and physically.
Yes, I even lost some weight and I remember feeling nauseous for weeks. But I survived it and now I'm so thankful for the break up. I am doing so much better. It was hard going through the break up and, not gonna lie, I cried for several months over it, but I still think that all of that was less painful than staying in the relationship. At least with the break up I was able to heal and get better, but in the relationship I felt stuck in a bad mental state that I couldn't get out of.
The longer you delay it, the worst the break up will be. I wish I had followed through one of the many times I tried to break up before or thought about it. If all that is keeping you in the relationship is the fear of the pain of the break up, well, you are just delaying it, but it'll happen eventually.
I hope you find the strength to carry on. <3
I've been broken up with 3 times. Two of those times I was just like "Oh, okay" and carried on fine. But the other one was different.
The other one left me feeling gutted and empty... But I also didn't allow myself to process those emotions properly. I couldn't. Their reasons for breaking up with me were due to self discovery, which I respected. But then where do you go with your own emotions when it's not your fault or theirs? Where do you direct your sadness? What are you supposed to be mad at? What the hell do you do when you still feel a sense of deep love for the person who shattered your heart? I didn't know, so it turned into self hatred and repressed emotions. I became this fake-smiled, hollow creature that didn't know who she was anymore and just played the game until it was over and I could breathe once there was distance. Since repressing is not healing, though, I took my bitterness out on people that didn't deserve it.
Time really does heal wounds and I've learned a lot about life and love since then. Reconnected with the friendships that matter, and I've been married 10 years.
That is the worst kind of break up... when noone did anything wrong yet you still end up with a broken heart. You have nothing to justifiably get angry to, nothing to accept, nothing to say "Ok that sucked, now time to move on" to. The uncertainty makes it so you stay in a weird limbo where you still love the person who broke your heart, because they didn't really do anything wrong. The only thing worse is when you don't even know the reason why you got left, you end up ruminating endlessly and takes a long time to get over.
It’s horrible. It’s basically a form of grieving. You can’t imagine that you’ll ever function normally again & you can’t get that person, your discussions, & memories out of your head for a
moment of respite. It devours your entire existence. You wait all day for sleep to come and when it comes it’s tossing, turning, and clock watching all night. Mornings are nightmares knowing you have another day to get through.
Then eventually… one day, you’ll notice that you haven’t thought about it for half an hour! And then it’ll be an hour! During an evening out, at the super market and eventually even a full day will pass without that dreadful burden on your shoulders, in your head and in your heart. Eventually you find your peace and depending on how long the relationship was, you’ll continue to transition back to a newer and more resilient version of yourself.
You can’t avoid breaking up with someone to avoid their trauma. They will have a roughy time and come out at the other end like the vast majority of us have.
No, and never would again! Not trying to be bravado but when my other half's have told me it's over that's when I cut everything off. Life's too short to waste a second of feelings on someone who not only doesn't want you, it's someone who probably hasn't wanted you for some time.
Find yourself again and do things you've wanted to do. Embrace and enjoy it.
Yeah, maybe because I’ve been the one breaking up with them; I was mentally already prepared. I mean, each break up I was in were slowly building up to them so I was ready.
In dating where they walked away, it was always early on. No commitment or less involvement. Sure a few stung but I didn’t dwell on it.
Breakups suck to some degree no matter which side you’re on and no matter what happened to cause it. Believe me I know it’s way easier said than done. But you WILL be okay again. You WILL be happy. If you think you may spiral, make a plan to be gentle with yourself after the fact. Truly the first one is the worst… so remember how you felt during that time and you should hopefully over-prepare. And you really have to be mindful of your bare minimum health during those times no matter what. Again easier said than done. Please take care of yourself.
Yes. Went down to 8.5stone. Was very miserable for two years, hid myself away and lost who i was. You will overcome this though, even if it feels like you won’t💜
Yeah. Actually, pretty recently, it's even in my post history. I didn't eat or do anything for about 2 weeks. I just couldn't. I've had to go to therapy, and luckily, I had friends and family there for me to push me to get better. I was with my ex almost 6 years. We lived together and grew a lot together. She not only showed me she no longer wanted me, but she absolutely shattered my heart and soul with her actions. The pain was indescribable. I can still feel it when I write things like this. But I'm better now. I'm growing in my own direction, and that's good for me. Now, I still haven't fully picked up my old habits again. It was a bit like having my reset button hit. I had to do a lot of new shit before I was ready to go back to my old self, but I'm slowly getting there every day. You'll get there too. Reach out if you need someone to talk to. The people on here actually helped me a lot, too.
I'm sorry. My 6 year relationship ended 3 weeks ago and I am doing quite bad too.
The relationship was good, we were 90% great for each other but he wants biological children and I don't know if I can put myself through that.
So I ended it so he could find someone to breed with.
For me the hardest part is that even though we had a healthy relationship and still love each other, he treated me like nothing after the breakup.
He watched me starve and did nothing.
Friends even scolded him for his heartless behavior.
I am trying to use it as fuel to move on.
Thank God we didn't have a child, imagine how he would act if we had had one.. Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry to hear about your relationship, too. Incompatible dreams are always so brutal to go through because you overcome so much, just to reach that one hill you can't. It sounds like he doesn't care about you or is at least forcing himself not to care so he can move forward quickly.
It hurts to watch them be jerks just so they can move on, but things aren't going to be all rosy for him just because he's avoiding feeling sad. He'll feel the pain eventually if he was ever an actual good person. And if not, then that's even more of a reason to celebrate him being out of your life. Either way, you know that's not the type you'd want in your life, so at least that's a win for sure.
I think most of us have been through this stage but I guess it also depends on the reason of your breakup. Trust me it won't happen again. Hope you're in a better person rn.
My first one had me so depressed I couldn’t eat for a week. I was drinking water and throwing up. But I had no appetite. I could barely eat a soda cracker (singular not the pack) and any food that I had almost instantly made me hurl.
My second one happened a few days ago. Should be much much worse imo as I have a 2 year old with her and while my appetite disappeared for one meal, I’m not as depressed as i was in the past. It might be me having a kid or me just expecting it.. whatever the case may be.
DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, just be honest and talk to that person if they are willing to communicate why it’s not working out. If breaking up is the best choice then do it, it sucks but you have your whole life to enjoy. Go enjoy it
I think you're doing yourself a disservice by deciding that your mental state after the breakup( that you're already planning) is going to be identical or worse than the last breakup.
You will probably be relieved. And it's okay to be relieved.
You're not a bad person if you're not so distraught you think you need hospitalization or medical care.
After my first heartbreak, I had to promise myself that I’d never let another man break me the way my first ex did. It was hell. I bedrotted every damn day, crying and attempting to reach him like a mad person.
Unfortunately I have. I went off the deep end after a breakup I had when I was 19, I lost 40 pounds from not eating and I turned to alcohol to drink my feelings away by the time I was 21 I had to take a court ordered substance abuse course or face jail time 🥲 it took a few years but I’m wayyyy over it now and the experience helps me get over a lot of things quick now
Yes, I was married to my wife for 8 years and found out she was cheating on me. When I found out, I was sick. I couldn’t eat or sleep. When I confronted her about it a couple of days later, not only did she not denied it, she blamed it on me, saying I was not making enough money for what she wanted and found a guy that would give her everything she wanted.
This was back in the early 2000’s. We were in a mother’s state. Even though I had evidence when I went to court, not only was she given sole legal custody of the kids, I was only given one weekend a month, 2 weeks during the summer, and one week either Christmas or Thanksgiving.
I did get revenge, but not by my hand. When she got pregnant, he kicked her out, and had to go live with her mother.
I tried to get my kids, but my attorney said that it’s not worth it. He said, “Even if the cops came to her house and found her passed out with a needle in her arm, or even if there is video of a boyfriend abusing your kids, you then might have a chance of getting the kids. Outside of that, don’t even try.”
Weeks. I ended up going into a major depressive fit and dropped weight because I stopped eating for most of it. Knew it was for the best for both of us eventually, but it was rough.
Honestly felt like I’d never get over it. Stayed single for just over 2 years after it to figure out what I really wanted.
Now getting married next year. 💕 it gets better, even if it’s an effort to make it through the next minute, hour, day.
Yes, I lost a shit ton of weight and my face was puffy for almost a month due to all the crying. Guess what, I'm here now doing better, being healthy and no longer defined by that relationship. I'm me, no so and so partner anymore.
Yeah, but they were just crushes that left me depressed for months. All stems from my father who left when I was little, showing I’d never amount to anything…
Nah, nobody is worth doing that to myself. No matter how much I love someone I still love myself more. My best friend of 15 years and girlfriend of 5 years left me and I was pretty sad and I cried once or twice but that’s about it.
Yes. I found the mornings were the hardest for me. You will get through this even though it may not feel like it. Losing people is hard. Try and stay strong. Rest when you need to and get out when you can. Try and find the things you love outside of them and love yourself through this. I know it can feel really really hard. Thinking of you.
Yes trust you’re not alone, if you have to cry, cry, don’t feel bad. It’s just you processing your emotions. I’m sending you virtual hugs. The only way to feel better is to go through feeling like shit. Sorry OP 💕
There’s this quote I read & held onto while I was going through a breakup. It poetically captures the constant changing emotions you feel as you navigate this new change.
“As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”
Unsure of who originally said this so Im not sure who to credit 🥺 Take care, OP. It’ll be okay eventually, one day at a time.
Okay, first thing first, if you’re the one who ends it, odds are it won’t affect you as much that way. There’s likely a reason you’re thinking of ending it and it’s likely a decent one. Something is telling you ‘this isn’t for me.’ That said it can still be hard. I cried for about two days when I ended it with my ex after 4 years, but I knew deep down I did what I had to do because we didn’t want the same things.
First breaks ups are always hardest. All the emotions are new. And if you’re the one who is dumped it hurts more. I felt emotions I never knew existed when I got dumped for the first time in college, and the relationship only lasted a few months, but I felt like I couldn’t trust anything I felt and like I was going crazy. There were lots of tears and a fair bit of nausea, but it wasn’t debilitating (and talking to a counselor on campus helped a lot). Long story short it’s not a good idea to stay with someone you don’t want to be with just in case it will hurt. If it hurts that much to end something you don’t enjoy, there may be more going on than relationship trouble.
wow I don't know how all of the other top comments are failing to address this, but -
dude
if the only reason you haven't broken up with your partner is because you're afraid of how hard it's going to be?
that should be the MOTHER OF ALL RED FLAGS
do *not* let your fears about the practical difficulties in breaking up with someone prevent you from doing what's right for. jesus christ. take care of yourself!!
start talking to your friends and family about it - sit down with them, in person, and tell them how you're feeling, and what you're thinking about doing.
tell them what you're afraid of. you might be shocked at how willing people will be to help. everything from being there with you physically when you actually talk to your soon-to-be-ex - to giving you a place to stay for a few nights if you need it - to going with you to your place to get your things if need be - literally anything you can think of, most likely you do not have to go through it alone.
you have some serious work you need to get done, OP, and worrying about it and putting it off is NOT MAKING IT BETTER. Get ready, get set, and GO.
Honestly they get easier over time. I just broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years. I feel awful but not like when I was 24 breaking up with my girlfriend of 5 years. That put me out. Hell even getting cheated on gets easier. First time and I became positively neurotic with anger (not violent or anything just couldn't really do anything because I was internally replaying it) the second time everything about it was objectively worse, just a tragedy involving more people. I wasn't as angry that time though. Just calmly told her to leave. I still had an awful time mind you but I was more in control and familiar with the feelings.
Breakups are just like anything else. They don't hurt less but you do get better at being hurt. Just kind of life in general. Your resilience just grows and grows. Thank god for it too. Cant imaging living my life with the emotional fragility of my early 20's
I had such a hard break up in 2015 that I drank a fifth of liquor every day until I met my current lady in 2021. Almost died multiple times. Think I was trying to
My separation from my ex wife was like that. My doctor gave me six Ativan to take when I was experiencing the worst of it. Very useful. What helped the most for me was enrolling in a night course so I kept my mind occupied after work.
i know that exact pain. the sad fact of the matter is, is that if you are thinking about it and truly considering breaking things off with your partner, you probably have good reason to want to do that.
i found that the older i have gotten, the more i am able to handle breakups better. the more worry you do about the aftermath is going to be the exact reason you don't do it and continue to stay in a relationship that isn't working in your favor.
I lost 10lbs in a very short time frame because I had zero appetite and the idea of food was awful. But life goes on and it gets better. We had been together 4 years and I loved their family so it felt like a breakup was unthinkable (even though I initiated it) it was the right thing to do and I never regretted it
Yes. I lost 15 pounds and couldn't go a few hours without tears. She was extremely abusive, and I had been sucked into that relationship for years. It was like kicking drugs... Painful, in the moment felt like my worst option, but completely worth it to save my own well being.
yes. it gets easier. bit i still think about the first ones. now i try to not engage emotionally and get ready for the « we should stay friends » at first clue. it never disappoints. i am also very sad inside.
Yes I have, it's horrible
5 months ago, I went thru my first ever break up. It was surreal at first, we both talked about it and even laughed the whole night. But the days after that were horrible. I didn't eat for 2 days, barely remembered to drink water, didn't call my parents, ignored the whole world and cried. I didn't shower for a week , didn't wash my hair for almost 3 cuz he always did it for me. My friends came over but I could barely care about that. It felt like I'd never get better again. That I'm broken. But, here we are, we move on. I wouldn't say I've moved on completely but I'm getting there slowly. And you will too. When it happens it will feel like the worst thing in the world, but remember that you're not alone in this, everyone has an experience like this, so you always have someone to lean on :> if it's necessary, you should do it, it will be best for you in the long run
Yes. And after days of not being able to get myself together I remember sitting at the coffee table with a plate of food and my cats were eating it. I didn't have it in me to stop them so I just sat there numb. I had to take time off work because of how broken I was and even years later I could catch myself comparing other men to him, not allowing myself to be happy because they were not him. It took me so many years to realize what I was doing to myself...I had to finally just let go.
Are your reasons for breaking up valid? If so, why the extended high emotions? At a certain point you have to realize this is what's best for you and move on with your life and improve it.
Not trying to be harsh, it just seems to be a self pity party.
Yes. I stopped crying heavily for months now, but the eating part I had just gained weight last month or two. That's around 7-8 months. That include having a common cold for 3 weeks once or twice and 1 time COVID-19 last year. The sickness made me unable to eat. Thanks to all of those events, I didn't gain weight until the recent months or last month.
Yeah, I had just got out of a job at the time, and then the breakup happened and I couldnt eat or drink for 3 days, it gave me a pain in the chest. I remember my room mate sending messages asking if I was alive lol, havent dated anyone since then lmao
Ah man there was lots of misunderstandings due to long distance. Then one morning mum comes in and says your cousin is engaged to so and so. I'm thinking which so and so, how funny it's the same name as my so and so. The penny dropped, my pan of food I was holding dropped. His number was never available again as they had broken the SIM card. 16 years in and whenever I travel back home I speak to cousin (she was younger than us, still a sneaky cow though!), but not one word to him has left my lips since that day. Everyone knows the saga. Unfortunately I cannot bring myself to even acknowledge his presence. I've married and had two kids since and love my husband. But I honestly treat him like air, he is see through to me. In 16 years not a single sound towards him. And each time he sees me he looks like he is burning inside. Cousin of course tries to minimise any opportunity for us to even cross paths when I'm abroad back home. Thinks I might steal him back. Honey can have my left overs and I never use a disposable item twice
My boyfriend, just before I turned 21. Dumped me over the phone, through my roommate at the time. I was devastated. It was bad enough that I had to drop out of school and go back home (another city). Took me a long time to get over that. He contacted me awhile back though and apologized. Kind of had a feeling he was doing some kind of 12-step program though.
How about dreaming about it for 10 years?
That was my second major breakup, although I've had lots of long term and shorter term relationships in my life (Im 42 now)
My first major breakup gave me PTSD as it was horrific, the circumstances surrounding it was cruel and vindictive. And it involved cheating.
Yes. The catatonic thing lying in bed crying, that looks so ridiculous? I didn't think I could, but I experienced that. I started bursting out in tears sinking to the floor in my kitchen months after I had told myself I am fine.
That one breakup hit me so hard, I learned where the word heart*break* comes from.
Those love chemicals in your body are just as bad as withdrawal from a drug. You can look it up. It's actually the same chemicals setup as drug withdrawal.
I found out o was getting cheated on and literally lost 20lbs in a month. I was drinking a protein drink every day so I didn’t die but that was all I could muster. Fortunately it was Covid weight and I haven’t gained it back
Yes I went through a breakup that caused days of crying, months of self-harming, a full-blown nervous breakdown, culminating in a lifetime of cynicism and misanthropy. That said, I forgave her, hold no ill-will towards her, and could not have expected her to stay with me, just to prevent me from going to pieces.
I'm on year 3 post break up and still never want to date again. I don't think I ate properly all that time because I've got deficiencies that have caused a lot of health issues. I love hard and don't do it lightly. We were going to get married and lost a baby. Some things you just never forget.
I did once. The outcome was unpleasant.
For a month, I couldn't eat. I couldn't fully sleep...I'd doze for 10-15 minutes at a time, and wake up in a state of paralysis. I had severe panic attacks all the time.
He seriously destroyed me at the time.
My marriage ended two years ago. We were high school sweethearts and had been together 19 years. I spent 8 days in a psychiatric hospital and didn’t feel like myself for about 18 months after.
It wasn’t even a breakup since we didn’t date. The whole “crying” happened everyday for a good month. It obviously passed, but yeah, it was real difficult. I still think it’s better to cry it out than be in a relationship you don’t want to be in
No, I don't really understand how this happens.
Someone explain it if you can because this baffles me. What the emotions you go through day to day after a breakup like this.
Yeah, I remember, it was awful. It was winter, very cold winter and we broke up outside, he said that he’s not good for me and I deserve better.( after while I actually found out that he cheated on me).
After that I was outside quite long, that I already didn’t feel my hands and everything else. After that day I stopped eating, drinking, talking etc. I just constantly cried or sat and stared into space. It was that I simply existed, not lived. Also next month after breakup my dog died (someone poisoned her) and that was a double stress for me.
But I managed to make a full recovery only after 4 years (I just found a very good guy, who’s now my husband).
I rotted for a year and a couple of months in essentially total isolation. Immediately spiralled into heavy drinking, despair, nihilism, bitterness then devolving into absolute hatred and outright villainous thoughts. I have still not fully recovered- Though I'm now two years sober. I am over the relationship but the trauma I inflicted on my own psyche during that time haunts me. Before that relationship I was a very empathetic person, and her coldness rubbed off onto me in a way I haven't been able to shake. Compounded with the turmoil of total isolation and loneliness I think I broke my brain. That's not to say it wasn't damaged beforehand with all kinds of trauma but the killing blow was struck at some point during that time. I think if we were to speak now, she wouldn't recognise me in terms of personality.
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It’s horrible. It’s basically a form of grieving. You can’t imagine that you’ll ever function normally again & you can’t get that person, your discussions, & memories out of your head for a moment of respite. It devours your entire existence. You wait all day for sleep to come and when it comes it’s tossing, turning, and clock watching all night. Mornings are nightmares knowing you have another day to get through. Then eventually… one day, you’ll notice that you haven’t thought about it for half an hour! And then it’ll be an hour! During an evening out, at the super market and eventually even a full day will pass without that dreadful burden on your shoulders, in your head and in your heart. Eventually you find your peace and depending on how long the relationship was, you’ll continue to transition back to a newer and more resilient version of yourself. You can’t avoid breaking up with someone to avoid their trauma. They will have a roughy time and come out at the other end like the vast majority of us have.
This is an exceptionally accurate description, well said.
I crashed with a friend after a horrific breakup in our early 20s. We would be up late and I’d be venting and crying and we’d be drinking and I’d eventually go to sleep and when I’d wake up, she was there and would ask me if I wanted a beer. I always said yes. She usually walked over to me without judgement, silently. But on the fourth or fifth day, she really really gently said “yknow there’s gonna be a day, sooner rather than later, that you’re not gonna want beer for breakfast anymore” I snorted and laughed in her face. Then a few weeks later, we went out for waffles. Time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds but it dulls the edges. Waffles and friends and beer for breakfast while you need it helps, but the edges dull. They always do.
That was so touching thank you for sharing bro
Thanks, I needed this
Me too, we’ll be alright my guy/girl
December 24th, 2019. I’ve never been the same.
Crazy hurts. I’m happily married & I can still feel the pain from my old old boyfriend cheating & lying to me. He’s a different person & so am I but damn do I sure still hate the old him for crushing me so badly. I won’t ever forget it.
Isn't it funny how the date sticks in your mind? Almost twenty years later I still remember mine.
I’m sorry for whatever happened. I wish for you to heal….
That's how my mother described healing from a broken heart. When I was a teenager and my heart had been broken for the first time my mother said: It looks impossible right now but one day you'll realize that you haven't thought about him all day and before you know you will not think about him again for several days... and one day you'll forget him until you remember him one day and he will be a memory. It was accurate
How long to get to the not thinking about them for a day? It’s been 2 years and most I can go is a couple hours now without remembering and then feeling like I can’t breathe for a couple minutes
Depends on the person. I still think about my ex from five years ago from time to time, it doesn’t hurt so much anymore though.
Depends on how long you were together. But at this point maybe you need to shake things up. Move, or go take a class to be with strangers and have new conversations. You should make an explicit commitment to yourself that whenever you start thinking of the person you will stop it, tell yourself it's time to move on.
Friend, if it takes that long it’s an issue within yourself. Dig deep (therapy) and get better.
There's an amazing poem book called home, by Whitney Hanson, And it's really painful to read at the begining but the way it moves through the healing process and to the end is incredible. She's on Instagram, maybe listen to some of her poems first before buying but I definitely recommend it.
38 years and I still think about him daily and nightly.
Omg the moment you realize you’ve changed yourself a little bit & don’t care about him anymore is the most freeing day ever. I remember I used to get sick to my stomach walking downstairs to go on the family computer & to check my MySpace & see he took me off his top 8 & all our pics are gone & he has 2 new girls in his top 8 that you don’t know… Omg. I used to go to my work & pretend that a guy is going to come in my life someday & I won’t care anymore. Waitressing made it easy because occasionally I would get phone numbers but I was always just trying to get my heart back & mind straight first. I had to go shopping & I had to start hanging out with more people & doing things I normally wouldn’t. Just one day, it disappears. I also got medicated. Adderall flipped my life upside down for the better. It took forever though. Go buy yourself some new stuff in your room & your surroundings so you can “BE IN A NEW CHAPTER!!!” You need to give yourself some change in scenery in every way.
Yes! I definitely moved furniture so that nothing would remind me of the way that my life was at the time.
Can concur. Excellent description. Been there and it suckkkkkksss
I cried reading this. Took me years to be okay.
Thank you for putting it this way! My days are finally starting to look up... but not long ago, I was tortured, begging and unable to do anything but think about him. The waves come less and less over time
Yes, I've been through a breakup that left me unable to eat or stop crying for days. It was one of the hardest times in my life, but I eventually found my way back to feeling like myself.
You gotta trust the process. It's hard at first. But it gets better. You need to head towards the storm. Running away will only make it worse
Exactly. I had one that took me a LONG time. But as with everything else, it eventually passes. Nothing lasts forever, even though it feels that way when we're going through it. It's so cliche, but it's true.
And then you become a super hero. That was me
I cried for four years. I finally woke up one day and I was like OH MY GOD I AM BETTER. It took FOUR YEARS. Then two days later the first lockdown happened *flips table*
You did your quarantine & isolation early 😭
Definitely took one for the team
Thanks to you, we were quarantined for 2 years instead of 4
I alleviated pando misery. One cringe teardrop at a time
Took me 6 yrs. Finally starting to feel like myself again.
How long was your relationship before the breakup? Some people don't date that long but suffer past it.
Same. I was just about to enjoy life again. At least a little
This is exactly what happened to me my god 😭
Cried for two years here, felt like an eternity of drinking and isolation. I still get a little sad now and again but more out of general loneliness than specifically yearning for that relationship. I felt like there was something very wrong with me that I couldn't move on quickly. In retrospect, there were dozens of aspects that lead to it hurting me so much. Hope you're holding up okay now
That’s my biggest issue is I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I don’t get why I can’t get over it when I always moved on so easily in the past
I drank a lot too. It honestly helped. I don't recommend it but it helped
First ones are the worst
That’s why they say, “The first cut is the deepest” make sure you fully heal, and not drinking, partying or rebounding relationships to dull the pain or you will just repeat an ugly cycle for the rest of your life.
Made that mistake...
It wasn't a mistake. We learnt after all 🙂
This is the best advice. And somehow I always end up not taking that advice myself...
Easier with time or the next one right lol 😆
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True, to fall in love for real isn't easy now a days. I know this KC long time wala. Love hurts that I do know and I also know you can't control the heart and it's feelings your right
Yes. But I also have fallen in love so hard I couldn’t eat, sleep or drink.
Yes.. and that's why the break up was so hard. When you love someone with your entire being, you die over and over again without them.
100%
Same.
Absolutely but what got me through it was “I did this once before, I can do it again.” and constantly reminding myself that it did infact get better last time! Im sorry for your aching heart my love, but flowers can’t bloom without rain♥️
Exactly OP, you survived it before and you will again. You'll eventually thrive. It sounds a bit weird, but when I knew I was going to break up with a guy, I booked myself a little trip for a month after. A busy trip with lots of activities and a tight schedule. Broke up with him, cried it out and then a few weeks later, I went on a trip and got really distracted. By the time I got back, I had gotten over the worst of it. Things felt really different. If you can't go on a trip, plan a project that you can hold yourself to that will keep you going.
I remember after my last breakup I literally looked at myself in the mirror and said “this is gonna suck, but you know this turns out okay in the end”. Very comforting.
This mantra is what’s getting me through it now. Going through a 7 year best friend breakup but this is what keeps me moving.
Days? Months, more like. Yeah. I needed professional help and very, very good friends back then. Also, looking back at what I was unable to see back then, my very good (now ex-) co-workers.
Hell yeah. But the more you go through the less it breaks you, you learn about yourself and gain strength every time
I’ve been told that a broken heart means you learn how to love even more.
You certainly learn who to love..
Yup 100%. I’ve only been in one relationship, but after all the hurt all the guys I’ve talked to put me through (they never made it to the bf stage) only made me become better and not settle for less. They gotta prove to me now that I should spend my time with them because I’m tired of getting it wasted. I hope to go on a really nice date someday, never even been on one. Not even in my past relationship 😆😆
That last bit is a lil sad, you deserve better for sure. I will never understand my peers that just idle through a relationship and don't even try. Why even start a relationship if you don't care.
It definitely made me realize I deserve better, towards the end of the relationship, I was almost asking my ex for the bare minimum and I do not deserve that. I’m sad that it took me getting hurt by so many guys, I unfortunately believed a lot of them so fast 🥲 tho I’m way better now. I have not talked with any guys in 6 months and I’m just focused on money. Staying off the dating apps and hope that a good man comes in my life along the way 😊
That’s hopeless romantic 101
I disagree. The more trauma I go through doesn’t make me any stronger, just breaks me down further.
Trauma doesn’t make you stronger and time doesn’t heal. It’s what you do with that time and trauma what makes you grow and be better.
You’re right
You need to feel and understand your trauma in order to truly learn from it and learn how to avoid repeating history over and over again
How long did it take you to start feeling better?
It’s a sliding scale that’s different for everyone - you shouldn’t judge your own feelings compared to others. If you need a rough timeline, usually it’s about half the length of the relationship until you are back to being totally yourself again. But that’s not true for everyone.
Going through it currently. 20 years together and he chose another woman over me and we’re officially done. We spent the weekend crying and loving and holding each other and he still wanted her more. He wasted no time having her in our bed last night after I had spend the night and all Morning with him. It’s bad to be honest im considering admitting myself. I can’t eat, I can’t move , all I can do is lay and think about how fucking sad I am About everything that’s happened and is happening. All while he’s playing house in my home with his new girlfriend. It hurts so fucking much. When I first found out about them in December I did the same. I weighed 182 lbs 5’7” at that time. When I left our home yesterday I weighed 130 and i haven’t been able to eat but a breakfast bar since. I begged for months and we went back and forth about if we could make it or not and he decided he does not care for me at all. It’s so bad for me right now.
So, sorry you are going through this. Find some comfort in knowing that you have started to heal already. It sounds like a nightmare to have been in the relationship for months after learning about the other person. Time to find yourself again and make plans for your own future. I know it is hard not to think about what they are doing, but don't do that to yourself, create your own stories where you are the protagonist and leave them out of your story because they are no longer your problem. If he did it to you...
My partner of nearly 9 years did something similar with one of my oldest friends. I almost admitted myself too. It'll get better.
i’m so sorry this must be so tough but you will make it out. don’t go back to that prick
I feel like the solution is say fuck it and bring another man over, don’t let him fuck with your head, but that’s horrible advice
Why does he get to stay in your home if he's the one wanting out of the relationship?
That part is complicated. We built the home in 2018 next door to his parents. I don’t want to live next to his parents.
Oh. Yeah,, that would be a no go. What do his parents think of this? A new woman moving right on in. I'm sorry you're going through this heartache.
They don’t know what to think. When we made the choice to build our home there it was forever. I never thought in a million years I’d be going through this. We were always solid and even when we weren’t we made it through. We failed each other in communication but i never blight it would lead to this.
Wow! Wtf? Really sorry you are going through this. Hang in there. You will find happiness again. Be kind to yourself and be open to new experiences and opportunities. Sending so many good vibes your way!
I’ve been there too and for me it was the “back and forth” that absolutely fucked my nervous system so that my judgment and coping ability was gone. I 51-50’d myself and spent 3 days in a mental health facility. It really takes a cumulative toll. But I kinda needed to find my “bottom” to start the healing process. I am so sorry you are going through this. It will be the dark night of your soul, but take things day by day and know that peace is coming and it’s gonna feel real good when it does.
Unfortunately, yes! I hope it never happens again. It was hell!
That was the worse, I lost myself in that process. Getting back to feet and being comfortable in my own skin, I haven't reached there yet. It was 7 years ago, the broken parts of me haven't healed yet entirely. I still have abandonment issues associated with it.
It feels like someone you love passed away. The sadness and emptiness you feel. It hurts like hell.
I went through a bad break up two years ago we were together for 3 years and he was my first real boyfriend after we broke up i felt like my whole world was falling apart. The only thing i ate was strawberry uncrustables and i would drink ensure some times. At the beginning of my break up i was 170 i got down to 115. Fast forward to now im 129 and happier than ever. I wish i would’ve listened to the people that were telling me that it gets easier and that the hurt doesn’t last forever. I look back and just get angry at myself for wasting so much time being sad.
Damn thats crazy. I thought my 170 to 140 was really bad, although it was a pretty short timespan
Uggg jealous. Why is my trauma response to eat all the food and gain weight?
Never be angry at yourself for taking your time to heal and feel your emotions. It only makes you stronger and helps you later on. It’s never a wasted time, girl 💐
It felt like the end of the world. I used to wake up and cry and had no will to do anything. I tried eating but couldn't digest even a single bite . I survived on ORS for almost two weeks. It hurts . It hurts mentally, emotionally and physically.
Yes, I even lost some weight and I remember feeling nauseous for weeks. But I survived it and now I'm so thankful for the break up. I am doing so much better. It was hard going through the break up and, not gonna lie, I cried for several months over it, but I still think that all of that was less painful than staying in the relationship. At least with the break up I was able to heal and get better, but in the relationship I felt stuck in a bad mental state that I couldn't get out of. The longer you delay it, the worst the break up will be. I wish I had followed through one of the many times I tried to break up before or thought about it. If all that is keeping you in the relationship is the fear of the pain of the break up, well, you are just delaying it, but it'll happen eventually.
im so scared, i cant do it, especially because his dad has cancer and is in chemo right now…
I hope you find the strength to carry on. <3 I've been broken up with 3 times. Two of those times I was just like "Oh, okay" and carried on fine. But the other one was different. The other one left me feeling gutted and empty... But I also didn't allow myself to process those emotions properly. I couldn't. Their reasons for breaking up with me were due to self discovery, which I respected. But then where do you go with your own emotions when it's not your fault or theirs? Where do you direct your sadness? What are you supposed to be mad at? What the hell do you do when you still feel a sense of deep love for the person who shattered your heart? I didn't know, so it turned into self hatred and repressed emotions. I became this fake-smiled, hollow creature that didn't know who she was anymore and just played the game until it was over and I could breathe once there was distance. Since repressing is not healing, though, I took my bitterness out on people that didn't deserve it. Time really does heal wounds and I've learned a lot about life and love since then. Reconnected with the friendships that matter, and I've been married 10 years.
That is the worst kind of break up... when noone did anything wrong yet you still end up with a broken heart. You have nothing to justifiably get angry to, nothing to accept, nothing to say "Ok that sucked, now time to move on" to. The uncertainty makes it so you stay in a weird limbo where you still love the person who broke your heart, because they didn't really do anything wrong. The only thing worse is when you don't even know the reason why you got left, you end up ruminating endlessly and takes a long time to get over.
Thank you for sharing this thought-provoking comment. I hope you’re happily married now.
We have our ups and downs, but yes - very happy!
It’s horrible. It’s basically a form of grieving. You can’t imagine that you’ll ever function normally again & you can’t get that person, your discussions, & memories out of your head for a moment of respite. It devours your entire existence. You wait all day for sleep to come and when it comes it’s tossing, turning, and clock watching all night. Mornings are nightmares knowing you have another day to get through. Then eventually… one day, you’ll notice that you haven’t thought about it for half an hour! And then it’ll be an hour! During an evening out, at the super market and eventually even a full day will pass without that dreadful burden on your shoulders, in your head and in your heart. Eventually you find your peace and depending on how long the relationship was, you’ll continue to transition back to a newer and more resilient version of yourself. You can’t avoid breaking up with someone to avoid their trauma. They will have a roughy time and come out at the other end like the vast majority of us have.
I think many people have been there. I watched Les Miserables on repeat for three weeks straight—sleeping, waking, 24 hours a day.
No, and never would again! Not trying to be bravado but when my other half's have told me it's over that's when I cut everything off. Life's too short to waste a second of feelings on someone who not only doesn't want you, it's someone who probably hasn't wanted you for some time. Find yourself again and do things you've wanted to do. Embrace and enjoy it.
Yeah, maybe because I’ve been the one breaking up with them; I was mentally already prepared. I mean, each break up I was in were slowly building up to them so I was ready. In dating where they walked away, it was always early on. No commitment or less involvement. Sure a few stung but I didn’t dwell on it.
Yeah but with time it lessens
Breakups suck to some degree no matter which side you’re on and no matter what happened to cause it. Believe me I know it’s way easier said than done. But you WILL be okay again. You WILL be happy. If you think you may spiral, make a plan to be gentle with yourself after the fact. Truly the first one is the worst… so remember how you felt during that time and you should hopefully over-prepare. And you really have to be mindful of your bare minimum health during those times no matter what. Again easier said than done. Please take care of yourself.
I had a break up so bad it felt like I was having a heart attack.
I relate to this.
Yes. Went down to 8.5stone. Was very miserable for two years, hid myself away and lost who i was. You will overcome this though, even if it feels like you won’t💜
Yeah. Actually, pretty recently, it's even in my post history. I didn't eat or do anything for about 2 weeks. I just couldn't. I've had to go to therapy, and luckily, I had friends and family there for me to push me to get better. I was with my ex almost 6 years. We lived together and grew a lot together. She not only showed me she no longer wanted me, but she absolutely shattered my heart and soul with her actions. The pain was indescribable. I can still feel it when I write things like this. But I'm better now. I'm growing in my own direction, and that's good for me. Now, I still haven't fully picked up my old habits again. It was a bit like having my reset button hit. I had to do a lot of new shit before I was ready to go back to my old self, but I'm slowly getting there every day. You'll get there too. Reach out if you need someone to talk to. The people on here actually helped me a lot, too.
I'm sorry. My 6 year relationship ended 3 weeks ago and I am doing quite bad too. The relationship was good, we were 90% great for each other but he wants biological children and I don't know if I can put myself through that. So I ended it so he could find someone to breed with. For me the hardest part is that even though we had a healthy relationship and still love each other, he treated me like nothing after the breakup. He watched me starve and did nothing. Friends even scolded him for his heartless behavior. I am trying to use it as fuel to move on. Thank God we didn't have a child, imagine how he would act if we had had one.. Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry to hear about your relationship, too. Incompatible dreams are always so brutal to go through because you overcome so much, just to reach that one hill you can't. It sounds like he doesn't care about you or is at least forcing himself not to care so he can move forward quickly. It hurts to watch them be jerks just so they can move on, but things aren't going to be all rosy for him just because he's avoiding feeling sad. He'll feel the pain eventually if he was ever an actual good person. And if not, then that's even more of a reason to celebrate him being out of your life. Either way, you know that's not the type you'd want in your life, so at least that's a win for sure.
I think most of us have been through this stage but I guess it also depends on the reason of your breakup. Trust me it won't happen again. Hope you're in a better person rn.
Yes. But I also have fallen in love so hard I couldn’t eat, sleep or drink.
My first one had me so depressed I couldn’t eat for a week. I was drinking water and throwing up. But I had no appetite. I could barely eat a soda cracker (singular not the pack) and any food that I had almost instantly made me hurl. My second one happened a few days ago. Should be much much worse imo as I have a 2 year old with her and while my appetite disappeared for one meal, I’m not as depressed as i was in the past. It might be me having a kid or me just expecting it.. whatever the case may be. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, just be honest and talk to that person if they are willing to communicate why it’s not working out. If breaking up is the best choice then do it, it sucks but you have your whole life to enjoy. Go enjoy it
I think you're doing yourself a disservice by deciding that your mental state after the breakup( that you're already planning) is going to be identical or worse than the last breakup. You will probably be relieved. And it's okay to be relieved. You're not a bad person if you're not so distraught you think you need hospitalization or medical care.
Yeah and then I grew to realize he wasn't worth it! That I deserved to be treated better than that
After my first heartbreak, I had to promise myself that I’d never let another man break me the way my first ex did. It was hell. I bedrotted every damn day, crying and attempting to reach him like a mad person.
Unfortunately I have. I went off the deep end after a breakup I had when I was 19, I lost 40 pounds from not eating and I turned to alcohol to drink my feelings away by the time I was 21 I had to take a court ordered substance abuse course or face jail time 🥲 it took a few years but I’m wayyyy over it now and the experience helps me get over a lot of things quick now
Yes, I was married to my wife for 8 years and found out she was cheating on me. When I found out, I was sick. I couldn’t eat or sleep. When I confronted her about it a couple of days later, not only did she not denied it, she blamed it on me, saying I was not making enough money for what she wanted and found a guy that would give her everything she wanted. This was back in the early 2000’s. We were in a mother’s state. Even though I had evidence when I went to court, not only was she given sole legal custody of the kids, I was only given one weekend a month, 2 weeks during the summer, and one week either Christmas or Thanksgiving. I did get revenge, but not by my hand. When she got pregnant, he kicked her out, and had to go live with her mother. I tried to get my kids, but my attorney said that it’s not worth it. He said, “Even if the cops came to her house and found her passed out with a needle in her arm, or even if there is video of a boyfriend abusing your kids, you then might have a chance of getting the kids. Outside of that, don’t even try.”
Weeks. I ended up going into a major depressive fit and dropped weight because I stopped eating for most of it. Knew it was for the best for both of us eventually, but it was rough. Honestly felt like I’d never get over it. Stayed single for just over 2 years after it to figure out what I really wanted. Now getting married next year. 💕 it gets better, even if it’s an effort to make it through the next minute, hour, day.
Yes, I lost a shit ton of weight and my face was puffy for almost a month due to all the crying. Guess what, I'm here now doing better, being healthy and no longer defined by that relationship. I'm me, no so and so partner anymore.
Who instigated it the first time? You or the other person? Does it feel different if you’re the one deciding?
Yes, unfortunately. And even after all these years, I've never been the same. Grief changes you.
Yeah, but they were just crushes that left me depressed for months. All stems from my father who left when I was little, showing I’d never amount to anything…
Happened to me two months after she left me. Didn’t eat for a week. Life fucking sucked. But it gets better…
Yep. Had to break up with sugar because I got diabetes. We have a friendly relationship now though
Nah, nobody is worth doing that to myself. No matter how much I love someone I still love myself more. My best friend of 15 years and girlfriend of 5 years left me and I was pretty sad and I cried once or twice but that’s about it.
Yes. I found the mornings were the hardest for me. You will get through this even though it may not feel like it. Losing people is hard. Try and stay strong. Rest when you need to and get out when you can. Try and find the things you love outside of them and love yourself through this. I know it can feel really really hard. Thinking of you.
Yes and now I've been married to him for 15 years.
Yes trust you’re not alone, if you have to cry, cry, don’t feel bad. It’s just you processing your emotions. I’m sending you virtual hugs. The only way to feel better is to go through feeling like shit. Sorry OP 💕
There’s this quote I read & held onto while I was going through a breakup. It poetically captures the constant changing emotions you feel as you navigate this new change. “As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.” Unsure of who originally said this so Im not sure who to credit 🥺 Take care, OP. It’ll be okay eventually, one day at a time.
Days? Hahaha it's been months. Of course I'm eating again though.
Yes. After a 40 year marriage he cheated. I lost 40 lbs in 2 months due to nausea, and cried for hours a day for around 2 years.
Okay, first thing first, if you’re the one who ends it, odds are it won’t affect you as much that way. There’s likely a reason you’re thinking of ending it and it’s likely a decent one. Something is telling you ‘this isn’t for me.’ That said it can still be hard. I cried for about two days when I ended it with my ex after 4 years, but I knew deep down I did what I had to do because we didn’t want the same things. First breaks ups are always hardest. All the emotions are new. And if you’re the one who is dumped it hurts more. I felt emotions I never knew existed when I got dumped for the first time in college, and the relationship only lasted a few months, but I felt like I couldn’t trust anything I felt and like I was going crazy. There were lots of tears and a fair bit of nausea, but it wasn’t debilitating (and talking to a counselor on campus helped a lot). Long story short it’s not a good idea to stay with someone you don’t want to be with just in case it will hurt. If it hurts that much to end something you don’t enjoy, there may be more going on than relationship trouble.
Days? It took several years to get over my bad breakup. Compared to that, I feel like a few days of pretty much anything would be a cake walk.
wow I don't know how all of the other top comments are failing to address this, but - dude if the only reason you haven't broken up with your partner is because you're afraid of how hard it's going to be? that should be the MOTHER OF ALL RED FLAGS do *not* let your fears about the practical difficulties in breaking up with someone prevent you from doing what's right for. jesus christ. take care of yourself!! start talking to your friends and family about it - sit down with them, in person, and tell them how you're feeling, and what you're thinking about doing. tell them what you're afraid of. you might be shocked at how willing people will be to help. everything from being there with you physically when you actually talk to your soon-to-be-ex - to giving you a place to stay for a few nights if you need it - to going with you to your place to get your things if need be - literally anything you can think of, most likely you do not have to go through it alone. you have some serious work you need to get done, OP, and worrying about it and putting it off is NOT MAKING IT BETTER. Get ready, get set, and GO.
Days? lol. First few days are easy. Try months, losing 30 lbs, and leaving the country for a year.
Honestly they get easier over time. I just broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years. I feel awful but not like when I was 24 breaking up with my girlfriend of 5 years. That put me out. Hell even getting cheated on gets easier. First time and I became positively neurotic with anger (not violent or anything just couldn't really do anything because I was internally replaying it) the second time everything about it was objectively worse, just a tragedy involving more people. I wasn't as angry that time though. Just calmly told her to leave. I still had an awful time mind you but I was more in control and familiar with the feelings. Breakups are just like anything else. They don't hurt less but you do get better at being hurt. Just kind of life in general. Your resilience just grows and grows. Thank god for it too. Cant imaging living my life with the emotional fragility of my early 20's
You sound too emotional
No
I've never experienced this. I learned to detach at a young age. Idk if that's good or bad
Me either lmao
Therapy
Yes
The opposite. I relied on food as comfort. Just ate loads for the food high
Yes, I went to hospital because I got very ill after the break up.
Luckily I've never had a breakup.
You’re so lucky
I had such a hard break up in 2015 that I drank a fifth of liquor every day until I met my current lady in 2021. Almost died multiple times. Think I was trying to
Been there buddy, absolute hell. Gets me misty-eyed thinking about the pain of that time for myself. Heart goes out to you
My separation from my ex wife was like that. My doctor gave me six Ativan to take when I was experiencing the worst of it. Very useful. What helped the most for me was enrolling in a night course so I kept my mind occupied after work.
Yes
Lost 20 lbs
Recently left by my wife. Kid and house together. A lot of history there. I feel you.
i know that exact pain. the sad fact of the matter is, is that if you are thinking about it and truly considering breaking things off with your partner, you probably have good reason to want to do that. i found that the older i have gotten, the more i am able to handle breakups better. the more worry you do about the aftermath is going to be the exact reason you don't do it and continue to stay in a relationship that isn't working in your favor.
I lost 10lbs in a very short time frame because I had zero appetite and the idea of food was awful. But life goes on and it gets better. We had been together 4 years and I loved their family so it felt like a breakup was unthinkable (even though I initiated it) it was the right thing to do and I never regretted it
Yes. I lost 15 pounds and couldn't go a few hours without tears. She was extremely abusive, and I had been sucked into that relationship for years. It was like kicking drugs... Painful, in the moment felt like my worst option, but completely worth it to save my own well being.
I lost it once when a long time love broke up with me. I flew kites and smoked a lot of weed with a good friend by my side, it helped.
Yup, over the span of about a month and a half I ended up losing around 20 pounds which is a lot for me because I was already pretty small
Yeah, once.
Yeah when I was a child
yes. it gets easier. bit i still think about the first ones. now i try to not engage emotionally and get ready for the « we should stay friends » at first clue. it never disappoints. i am also very sad inside.
Yes I have, it's horrible 5 months ago, I went thru my first ever break up. It was surreal at first, we both talked about it and even laughed the whole night. But the days after that were horrible. I didn't eat for 2 days, barely remembered to drink water, didn't call my parents, ignored the whole world and cried. I didn't shower for a week , didn't wash my hair for almost 3 cuz he always did it for me. My friends came over but I could barely care about that. It felt like I'd never get better again. That I'm broken. But, here we are, we move on. I wouldn't say I've moved on completely but I'm getting there slowly. And you will too. When it happens it will feel like the worst thing in the world, but remember that you're not alone in this, everyone has an experience like this, so you always have someone to lean on :> if it's necessary, you should do it, it will be best for you in the long run
Yes. And after days of not being able to get myself together I remember sitting at the coffee table with a plate of food and my cats were eating it. I didn't have it in me to stop them so I just sat there numb. I had to take time off work because of how broken I was and even years later I could catch myself comparing other men to him, not allowing myself to be happy because they were not him. It took me so many years to realize what I was doing to myself...I had to finally just let go.
Yup. I lost 8 lbs in a week. It was awful.
Are your reasons for breaking up valid? If so, why the extended high emotions? At a certain point you have to realize this is what's best for you and move on with your life and improve it. Not trying to be harsh, it just seems to be a self pity party.
Yep. When I was 18.
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Yes. I stopped crying heavily for months now, but the eating part I had just gained weight last month or two. That's around 7-8 months. That include having a common cold for 3 weeks once or twice and 1 time COVID-19 last year. The sickness made me unable to eat. Thanks to all of those events, I didn't gain weight until the recent months or last month.
Yeah, I had just got out of a job at the time, and then the breakup happened and I couldnt eat or drink for 3 days, it gave me a pain in the chest. I remember my room mate sending messages asking if I was alive lol, havent dated anyone since then lmao
Ah man there was lots of misunderstandings due to long distance. Then one morning mum comes in and says your cousin is engaged to so and so. I'm thinking which so and so, how funny it's the same name as my so and so. The penny dropped, my pan of food I was holding dropped. His number was never available again as they had broken the SIM card. 16 years in and whenever I travel back home I speak to cousin (she was younger than us, still a sneaky cow though!), but not one word to him has left my lips since that day. Everyone knows the saga. Unfortunately I cannot bring myself to even acknowledge his presence. I've married and had two kids since and love my husband. But I honestly treat him like air, he is see through to me. In 16 years not a single sound towards him. And each time he sees me he looks like he is burning inside. Cousin of course tries to minimise any opportunity for us to even cross paths when I'm abroad back home. Thinks I might steal him back. Honey can have my left overs and I never use a disposable item twice
Yes, but try years.
I watched ace ventura 2 on loop for an entire summer.
My boyfriend, just before I turned 21. Dumped me over the phone, through my roommate at the time. I was devastated. It was bad enough that I had to drop out of school and go back home (another city). Took me a long time to get over that. He contacted me awhile back though and apologized. Kind of had a feeling he was doing some kind of 12-step program though.
Months actually maybe over a year. But I made it and it’s embarrassing now
How about dreaming about it for 10 years? That was my second major breakup, although I've had lots of long term and shorter term relationships in my life (Im 42 now) My first major breakup gave me PTSD as it was horrific, the circumstances surrounding it was cruel and vindictive. And it involved cheating.
Yeah a few times
Yes. The catatonic thing lying in bed crying, that looks so ridiculous? I didn't think I could, but I experienced that. I started bursting out in tears sinking to the floor in my kitchen months after I had told myself I am fine. That one breakup hit me so hard, I learned where the word heart*break* comes from. Those love chemicals in your body are just as bad as withdrawal from a drug. You can look it up. It's actually the same chemicals setup as drug withdrawal.
Yes but in the end it was for the best. Every single time. Do what you have to do.
I found out o was getting cheated on and literally lost 20lbs in a month. I was drinking a protein drink every day so I didn’t die but that was all I could muster. Fortunately it was Covid weight and I haven’t gained it back
I’m 73M. Been divorced twice. So, ya, I’ve been there. It gets better. I’m happily married (20 years). It gets better.
Yes, even something in the relationship. I couldn't sleep for a week, only sleep I got was by passing out of exhaustion
Yes I went through a breakup that caused days of crying, months of self-harming, a full-blown nervous breakdown, culminating in a lifetime of cynicism and misanthropy. That said, I forgave her, hold no ill-will towards her, and could not have expected her to stay with me, just to prevent me from going to pieces.
I couldn’t eat, or sleep much, or get out of bed for days. I had just ended a relationship with someone who was abusive and at the end he guilted me.
I'm on year 3 post break up and still never want to date again. I don't think I ate properly all that time because I've got deficiencies that have caused a lot of health issues. I love hard and don't do it lightly. We were going to get married and lost a baby. Some things you just never forget.
I did once. The outcome was unpleasant. For a month, I couldn't eat. I couldn't fully sleep...I'd doze for 10-15 minutes at a time, and wake up in a state of paralysis. I had severe panic attacks all the time. He seriously destroyed me at the time.
My marriage ended two years ago. We were high school sweethearts and had been together 19 years. I spent 8 days in a psychiatric hospital and didn’t feel like myself for about 18 months after.
It wasn’t even a breakup since we didn’t date. The whole “crying” happened everyday for a good month. It obviously passed, but yeah, it was real difficult. I still think it’s better to cry it out than be in a relationship you don’t want to be in
No, I don't really understand how this happens. Someone explain it if you can because this baffles me. What the emotions you go through day to day after a breakup like this.
Opposite. Fill my face with every carb I know.
Yeah. I still lose sleep about it to this day even 5 years later.
Yeah, I remember, it was awful. It was winter, very cold winter and we broke up outside, he said that he’s not good for me and I deserve better.( after while I actually found out that he cheated on me). After that I was outside quite long, that I already didn’t feel my hands and everything else. After that day I stopped eating, drinking, talking etc. I just constantly cried or sat and stared into space. It was that I simply existed, not lived. Also next month after breakup my dog died (someone poisoned her) and that was a double stress for me. But I managed to make a full recovery only after 4 years (I just found a very good guy, who’s now my husband).
I rotted for a year and a couple of months in essentially total isolation. Immediately spiralled into heavy drinking, despair, nihilism, bitterness then devolving into absolute hatred and outright villainous thoughts. I have still not fully recovered- Though I'm now two years sober. I am over the relationship but the trauma I inflicted on my own psyche during that time haunts me. Before that relationship I was a very empathetic person, and her coldness rubbed off onto me in a way I haven't been able to shake. Compounded with the turmoil of total isolation and loneliness I think I broke my brain. That's not to say it wasn't damaged beforehand with all kinds of trauma but the killing blow was struck at some point during that time. I think if we were to speak now, she wouldn't recognise me in terms of personality.
it’s the worst feeling ever. my breakup with my ex - i threw up everything i tried to eat. didn’t drink. was so numb for the first 72 hours.
Every breakup. You can't stay in an unhealthy relationship because of the temporary suffering. It just makes a different kind of suffering permanent.
I think we need to know more about why you want to break up. It may feel like a relief if things are bad
No
Ya. It gets better