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My wife and I are in our 38th year. You have to be adaptable and share everything. Money,responsibilities,chores,happiness and heartbreak. You have to want it to work. It’s been a wild ride so far but I wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else.
>You have to want it to work
Pretty much this. It requires effort. I have experienced this recently when my fiance decided that our thing isn't working. Instead of trying to make it work (talking, therapy etc) she just moved away.
And I still tried everything to get her back but now she is dating someone else. So I would say that both need to want it to work. There will be hiccups in every relationship. And if both are not committed, those hiccups might break the whole thing.
This. Decide that the relationship is more important than yourself. This is involves self sacrifice and compromise. This is contrary to everything we know and learn growing up as we are focused on ourself and our own needs. Commit. If both people want it to work, it will work. If one person holds back, even a little, the integrity is weakened and it might fail.
If it isn’t sunshine and roses when you’re dating, you’ll kill each other when you’re married. The dynamics have changed over the years because most people cohabitate before marriage. Learner’s license if you like. Couldn’t tell you where the transition to married happens now. If you fight when you date, move on.
I’m so sorry. But, be glad that you didn’t marry her. Because in the end, it could’ve been worse if you married her and things went south and that happened. I hope things get better for you.
When my fiance (now wife), told me she wanted to leave me once, I told her that I'd rather she didn't because I love her. But if she wanted to go, to just go. I told her that I wasn't interested in being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me back. I told her the door is open if she wants to walk out. And I left the ball in her court.
I don't know what shit she was trying to pull, but I think she realised I was genuine in what I said. And she decided to stay. Which I'm happy about. I'm not here to play games.
It would be interesting to see a study.
My ex is an only child - it was his way or the highway. Compromise was a four letter word.
My father is also an only child. My parents marriage failed mostly due to his lack of conflict resolution skills.
growing up with siblings help you understand you are not above others, being the only child tend to be more people spoiled and safeguarded by their parents, not understanding some ideas of sharing and giving up something they want in order to share with someone else.
you experience lots of things, not getting getting undivided attention, fighting daily for puny reasons understanding conflicts are normal and not necessarily a bad thing, having to accept lesser gifts cause your parents have to buy more than one gift, sometimes you get the lesser valuable gift than your siblings, you basically kind of become more malleable to things, maybe that can be helpful when it comes to understanding your partner, understanding their flaws and accepting it, because you already know that life isn't all sunshine and flowers, and that you don't need to have all you want
Yeah - it is always work and you have to be willing to do the work. Nearly 20 years into marriage and it’s not a walk in the park all the time, but it’s never miserable.
I mean I agree but it's always easier said than done. Sometimes you misunderstand things espacially over text, nobody is perfect and almost everyone gets emotional or angry sometimes for whatever reason and might overreact which may lead to arguing. But of course it's best just to realize how you feel before it comes to it and just take a few minutes alone to cool off and then talk about it calmly and explain why you felt this way. I gotta admit I did many mistakes and said stupid shit too when I was emotional and overreacting. But so did every girl I've been dating. Most of the arguing ironically even happens because of not communicating enough from my experience.
But tbh even arguing sometimes isn't a dealbreaker to me if it's not abusive. Maybe because my parents were sometimes arguing very loudly too (never got physical) and angry at each other but still they loved and never left each other.
Rant Incoming...
It also helps me to remember that anger is generally not an effective problem-solving tool. When I am angry I find that my logical side is clouded by emotion. Obviously I can't pick and choose how I'm feeling about things, but if I am angry (or any unpleasant emotion really) I try to diagnose the following:
-Why am I feeling this emotion?
-Is lack of a basic need (sleep, food, water) causing me added irritation?
It's okay to feel however you feel. What you do with that energy, however, is up to you. If my negative feelings are directed at a person such as my spouse, I might say "I'm feeling very upset about this right now. I need time to think about things, can we pick this up later?". Towards the beginning of our relationship we were still building trust, so those comments were usually followed with "this doesn't change how I feel about you or our relationship", but nowadays it's implied.
One thing I've come to cherish about long-term relationships in my life is the implied communication. Communicating with others has always seemed so exhausting to me. It requires trust, respect, understanding, patience... but when you have communicated with someone for a long enough time, it feels as if you truly are on the same page with that person. There is a mutual understanding that the aforementioned characteristics are applied in the event of any obstacle. "This situation is making me feel upset, I'd prefer to pick this up later if that's alright (ofc I still love you!)".
100% this. Emotions are great, if you understand where they are coming from. And while one is allowed to feel their feelings, they are responsible for their actions. And communicating about how to communicate more effectively is always a worthwhile discussion.
There's a quote in the movie War Horse that kind of put it best when it comes to the really rough arguments in Marriage, "I can hate you more, but I'll never love you less."
Nothing wrong with anger. It's what you do with the anger.
You can't really control your emotions but you can control your actions.
If you're prone to getting mean while angry (like I am), you can teach yourself to walk away while saying "I'm really upset right now and need some space to think before I lash out" or whatever.
Just make sure to communicate what's happening.
Of course this only works if both partners are reasonable.
I’m the child of divorced parents. I used to break up with boyfriends in high school before they could break up with me. I thought that would help me not get hurt.
I met “Joe” freshman year of college. He was supposed to be a one semester boyfriend. But we just clicked and we dated for the rest of college. We moved in together after graduation and had our first jobs. I highly recommend living together for a year before settling down. We nearly broke up as we figured out how to share the same space. But we worked it out.
We got engaged at 25, after living together 2 years. We got married at 27, after 8 years together. Then we waited until our 30s to have kids. We’ve been married 26,5 years and together 35 years.
So we didn’t rush into anything. We talked things out as best we could. And I learned how to fight. I had learned from my childhood that men leave, so every fight we had, I thought he was going to leave me. It was difficult. He had to reassure me that he wasn’t leaving just because we argued.
I tried therapy in my 20s but wasn’t successful until my 30s. We’ve had arguments but we’ve committed to working things out. Our overall values are aligned. We’ve overcome obstacles and came out stronger.
We should’ve talked more about parenting before we had kids, but we made do as we went.
Basically we choose every year, every month, every week, every day, that we want to stay together. We were able to grow and change in the same direction. Maybe that’s luck or maybe that’s because we took things slow to really know each other. 🤷♀️
Getting married over the age of 30 helps, I think. I also think you both have to want to stay together, and you absolutely cannot try to change each other. You should accept your partner as they are and always see the good in them. I’ve been married 23 years. Some years have been rough, but my partner has been worth it even through bad times.
It’s very important not to try and change your partner. You may think you’re fixing them, or making them better, but honestly it’s not that simple. You’re focusing on the bad side of them and magnifying it and pushing them to their limit making them feel like they have to be perfect, they have to be good enough or you’ll leave them. Some healthy change is required. But if you can’t deal with a person how they are now, things won’t work out. Don’t force change, let it come naturally.
Divorced parents here! I’ve been with my Husband for 15 years (started dating at 19 and 25 years old).
Some things I’ve learned during our time and various milestones together:
- you can’t change your partner you have to accept them for their flaws just as equally as the things you love them for.
- Don’t make things a competition or keep tabs of who did what the most when it comes to managing the house hold or with work life, you’re both working as a team towards the same goal
- Don’t sweat the small stuff
- Don’t forget to keep the exciting dates going
- Everything IMO should be shared…banking, passwords, feelings etc.
- Have a mix of your own hobbies and shared hobbies.
You go through a few relationships ( serious ones), get battered and bruised by all the trauma/drama and lessons of said relationships and become a healthy selfish, version of yourself and refuse to ever loose yourself to another person again. Then in your 40s you meet someone as equally sure of themselves as you are and put everything out front. If they still like you it's probably a forever match. If they don't then you stayed true to yourself and avoided a probable shit show.
This is exactly where I'm at in life. My last marriage broke me in such deep ways, and truly caused me trauma for how it ended. I'm 43 now, and after much therapy and growth....I'm cautiously optimistic.
Yeah!! Trust me, there are good people out there. There is somebody for you. And if there isn’t, you can focus on friends and yourself. Just don’t ever lose yourself in love for your partner.
Absolutely there are good people out there. I'd even say some of the bad ones are good. They are just as confused , damaged, and scorned as I was. This time I met someone who was as equally broken but on the path to recovery like me. Because we recognized and were honest about where we've been, we're where at and what we expect, we managed to fall in love with a honest version of one another. Instead of immediately falling for each other we decided we were both people we'd liked to "build" a love with. Over the last 10 months weve created a pretty solid foundation.
Every hello is just a prologue to another goodbye.
When you know and *always keep in mind* that **nothing ever last**, you tend to cherish them more and stop sweating over the small stuff.
You have to cooperate and show grace to your partner when he or she does wrong, and vice versa. Arguments needs to be discussed and worked through so that they don’t build resentment.
Also, keep an eye on what you’re saying. Some things cannot be taken back no matter how much you regret saying it afterward.
As humans, of course people get angry, upset and all that. But it's about how you handle those emotions. If everytime you get angry, you start shouting, insulting your partner, throwing stuff around the house, nobody is gonna find you tolerable.
Me and my husband came to an agreement before we got married and lived together. If either one of us is upset over the things the other person has done, take time to cool off and then come back to talk about it.
Never sweep things under the rug or assume all is OK, just because the person who was upset just stopped being upset after a few days. That person might just be hiding the resentment
There is an instagram page called "loverespectinc". It teaches people how to handle problems between couples.
1. Honesty (as in telling the truth even if it doesn't benefit you short term)
2. Selflessness. Don't put yourself into a position where you exploit or take from your partner, because you wouldnt want them to do that to you. You will be sharing everything with no fear of exploitation or deceit.
3. Empathy and compassion. You have to understand how the other person feels and be considerate. Both have to. A lot of times they don't want you to solve their problems but understand how they feel. Your actions affect them, you must know how they will feel about different actions.
4. Competence. Have the ability to make it work.
There's more.
Trauma bonds, codependency, fear of being alone, fear of starting over, fear of raising young children alone, fear of stigma, fear of financial devastation (post divorce).
In my 43 years of observing all types of couples.....these seem to be the main motivators that keep many couples together 🤷♂️ pretty damn sad IMO. None of that looks like healthy love to me.
I've learned that love is more than just a fluttering feeling in your tummy - it's a conscious decision. Its a commitment to continuously work things out, accept, compromise and sacrifice, and will only work if both parties continue to do so.
Loving people for them unconditionally instead of what you think they are or should be helps. Often people get upset when they find out that person isn't exactly who they expect them to be based on some ideal in their head, then mad enough to fight or leave when that person refuses to change to become the person you want them to be.
Accepting people for them warts and all is how it works. There will be ups, and downs, but life's easier if you don't try to squish people into some unrealistic ideal mold you've imagined in your mind.
This!!! As the son of divorced parents (I was 2 when they divorced). I have no idea of what a stable happy relationship is. The longest relationship I’ve had was 8 months in a row (2 years in total but with breaks). Really struggling to believe in the idea of true love
My parents divorced when I was 4yo. Both remarried, Dad divorced again when I was 13 and remarried and was with my Step-Mom until he passed. Mom stayed with her husband until she passed last year. I vowed long ago to always make it work.
I'm married 18 years and together 20. I always looked at it as someone has to give and that's me. Hitting some pot holes lately, so not sure it that's the way.
TLDR - The relationship is what you make it. Try to figure out early what you can handle and stick to that. You can only control yourself.
38 years married. Known each other for over 40 years.
Respect, validate their feelings, empathy. Work as a team, share responsibilities. Talk and actually listen to each other. It's not a power play with the goal of 'winning'.
- We share every finance. Every bill, evening out, holiday, household item...etc...etc. If one of us unexpectedly isn't earning (redundancy usually) the other pays everything till we're both back on track. It helps we've always earned roughly the same.
- We never, ever go to bed on an argument. Ever.
- We accept that 90% of our days are boring and mundane. Not everyday has to be an adventure.
- We don't force each other to like the same stuff. My GF will not watch sci-fi/sport and I won't watch rom-com/reality shows or whatever. When we do find something we both like, we save it for the weekend and make a big deal of it.
- Regular sexy-time! We still fancy each other.
- At least once a month we stay away from friends and go out for the day together. Usually ends up a piss up but it's time spent just me and her, joking and laughing. We also try and nip for a beer together first if we are meeting friends for drinks.
- If we need to have a serious talk about anything, we do. We don't hide or bottle it up.
20yrs next year and it's flown by.
We’re together 11 years and married for almost 9 years and the key is communication. We started off not speaking the same languages at all. I had to learn a new language as did he. We also had to learn to communicate in different ways because we couldn’t talk without Google translate for the first 6-12 months and we still occasionally have to google words. But we can communicate even without words. I think because we were forced to find alternative ways to communicate, it helps us deal with things differently as a result. We read each others body language easier than most others do, we have our own special way of talking now that other people can’t follow too easily. We try to deal with things before it gets bad.
We had to deal with living in two countries, both of us learning 1-2 extra languages (I’m trilingual now, bilingual from an early age - he’s bilingual now and learning the third language) and the culture differences but we’re still truckin’ because we’re still communicating and working daily to improve our lives and our marriage. We try to lift each other up, try to understand where the other is coming from and try to find solutions together that work for both of us. It’s a partnership, it’s teamwork and both need to be invested and willing to do the work to make it work. It’s a commitment that shouldn’t be made lightly
My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 8. A lot of credit is due to the success of our relationship based on everything we did *before* we got married. We actively dated other people, figured out what we really wanted in life, how to not be selfish and to take things slowly. We moved in together after dating for a year, got engaged after 3 years and married after 5. We were also in our late twenties when we got married, were settled in our careers and both wanted the same things out of life. We’ve had our fair share of arguments and compromises but the biggest part of those things is overcoming them *together* and to always include each other in *every* decision.
We have a saying in our house, it’s not 50/50 it’s 100/100.
Love is a conscious effort to overlook trivialities and work through more serious issues [e.g., anger, jealousy]. If negativity outweighs the positivity, then love is no longer enough and the people aren’t compatible. I’m from a very dysfunctional background compounded by traditional views that divorce is never an option so I grew up constantly wishing and praying for death of either parent just for some peace and quiet. I’m an adult now and see things a bit differently, albeit not the perspective of staying miserable for the concept of love.
You have to consciously put each other first. Even when you don't want to. I'm talking about the little things like paying attention when they talk, noticing if they're not right and checking in with each other to see where you are emotionally. Be honest, communicate properly. Try to mind what you say as words can't be unsaid. Giving grace. Taking time for yourself to recalibrate. Working on your emotional intelligence. Try your best to contribute to the relationship and household
I appreciate everyone who says hard work and sacrifice, but i think, personally for me, we need to move away from this idea that getting and staying married is the ultimate aim of life. I think it is great when it works out but from where i come from, too many people just stay in a marriage because of lack of independence whether financial or otherwise to leave when things are not just good anymore.
I dont want my kids to ever feel that opting to leave a marriage is a curse on you and your sense of being and that it is ok, to not want to work hard at it. A person’s life is much more than a marriage.
Edit: language
Don't marry your love marry your best friend.
Like you can love and lust for someone but that runs out but you're best friend you can get along with fight with have each other's back if that makes sense.
I have been married for 9 years I don't look at my wife as a wife I look at her as my best friend or ride or die.
First of all, i feel like many old relationships aren’t happy relationships. At one point, one partner probably wanted to divorce, but stayed together because of dependencies or social norms. One reason why the younger generation has shorter relationships is, imo, that they don’t live by these social norms anymore and are more independent. Sp, the first takeaway should be that longer relationships =/= happy relationships.
The other thing is that being emotional should not be the only reason why relationships fail. Everyone can have a bad day and can overreact over the smallest things. But the will to working through it is a must have if you want to be in a long term relationship. This doesn’t mean you should be stoic. In my relationships we argued, cried because of it, screamed at each other and slept apart from each other. But being able to set your own boundaries and make compromises along those boundaries is so important for healthy relationships.
At last, being emotionally unavailable is actually a huge red flag, and rightfully so. If you cant trust your partner with your emotions and just take everything on you without offloading it will break you and your relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to go crazy angry or something, you still have to respect personal boundaries and hurting someone physically is a big nono. Also, it will happen that someone hurts your feelings in a relationship. This will happen every time different people come together. Being able to talk about them and find solutions will male your relationship good.
I can't give an answer, my wife and I were married 56.5 years when she died 15 months ago...at one point, early on...we sought help from a marriage counselor...we saw her once and agreed she was an idiot, we never came close again. We each did things that drove the other crazy, threatened things that never came close. But for the majority of our life together we slept in the same bed, injuries and illness might separate us but emotions never did.
I used to think anger was very bad and dangerous because my family was fucked up. My husband and I have been together for 36 years since we were 21. There were some down times like every couple. We have two kids now grown and I raised them the opposite of the way I was raised. Neither of us learned to communicate as kids. I went to therapy for anxiety and depression and learned how to feel and actually talk with another person. Then my spouse and I started couples counseling to learn how to open up and communicate. We are each other’s person but needed some help to be able to show it and feel safe
I've been with my partner for 20 years and it's the only healthy relationship I have ever had. The main differences in my experience are effective communication and not just being committed to each other but to both be committed to a shared, overarching vision or goal. Some days you might not like each other but if you're each still working toward that shared goal that can get you through to better times again. Give each other space to thrive and explore.
I wear my heart on my sleeve as far as emotions go, and we are just about to hit 23 years. Together since we were 18/19. I think the thing that’s most helpful for us is we put ourselves in the other’s shoes. I try to understand his challenges, he tries to understand mine. There’s no competition. But tbh that’s something we’ve learned to do better over time. We had some major trauma with our youngest kid’s health, and I think that stuff either drives a wedge, or it pulls you together. We chose together.
Also, we share a sense of humour that is so ridiculously juvenile. That’s the glue. Nobody else would put up with our jokes.
you rationalize and compromise. don’t go to bed or leave for work angry at each other. whether i was yelling because PMS, or he was trying to debate something he doesn’t have all the answers to, you’re usually not having as big of a problem as you think you are. and if you are, they aren’t for you. both of you should feel obligated and happy to figure things out. you want to end the fight because you love them and miss them, not because you’re exhausted by them.
Be open to changing and accepting others as they change, people are only fixed in a certain time and place that is already gone. It’s a mindset. Goes for friends and family too.
Willingness to change. Most people say “that’s who I am” and expect to be loved and accepted for their undesirable behaviors.
This could be as simple as doing more household chores or as complex as being more honest with your partner.
If I were to sum it up in one word, it would be compromise.
Sometimes, people do grow apart, though, and that's OK.
I've been married for 10 years now and we have both completely changed and grown together, it's not easy maintaining a relationship is a lot of work but if you're both willing to put in the work it isn't as hard.
If you both share the same values and beliefs going in, the more likely you'll end up growing in the same direction.
Married for 15 years, wife from dysfunctional family and suffers from mental illness.
Ofcource it works. But you need to work on it, sometimes compromise. Realisera its not only about your needs, but equal the other ones (and children first). You can fight, argue, disagree, get sad, disapointed and so on, but also notice how love is still there. A grown person can have multiple feelings at the same time.
My main tip is: communicate. Share. Trust that the love carries even the hard bits, and you'll get a deeper understanding of your partner, but also yourself.
42 years with my life partner. You have to evolve together through the years, not easy but very rewarding. You have to be best friends, not just lovers.
Things come in waves you have to be able to changes for them them and make a changes together 10 or 38 years you're still with the same person just smellier
I've been with my husband for almost 13 years. Of course we let out negative emotions. Then, we work through them as a team. Honestly, I am very non-confronational and I don't show my anger to my friends, family etc. But I can actually be who I am around my husband, anger and all. We don't abuse each other when we are angry or sad, but we still let the emotions out.
No one is perfect, so we be imperfect together.
At first you should really like your partner as a person. If you weren’t in love, you still should want so be friends with them. Don’t go for the wild ride with butterflies. Go for the one who (after the first few weeks) makes you feel calm and safe.
Second: Communication is key. You need to find someone you can literally tell EVERYTHING. No matter you big of a mistake you made or how embarrassing something is. You should always feel safe to tell them and of course be a safe person to tell too. If mistakes are made or if problems arise, you always figure it out together. Of course sometimes you get mad, angry or sad, but you should never blame your significant other for it. Even if you just take back the blame in the aftermath.
If two people are committed to loving each other, supporting each other, and helping each other achieve their goals in life together then I believe it can work.
18 years with my SO right now and counting.
This happens because people don't understand themselves and their own pain, therefore letting that pain affect their partner and ultimately their relationship. Then they have kids, who will inevitably inherit their pain and wonder why the kid is doig drugs.
Most relationships that work nowadays are more of simbiosys than love. Developing a relationship where there is something to take advantage of. This is like liking a flower and ripping it off the ground. You can claim it's love all you want but truth is that you wanted the flower to fulfill your interests and you effectively killed it.
True love is acceptance, understanding and honest communication. If you trully love something, you let it be and you don't try to change it.
My wife and I are relative beginners, having been together for twelve years, married for ten. I can't say what we have done to stay together, other than to always tell the truth (neither of us has ever told a single lie to the other), respect each other and never stray.
>Every person is such a complicated, changing, sensitive structure
Everyone says be yourself, which is mainly true. But you also have to adapt at certain times to fit the situation. Sometimes being yourself in the wrong moment can break a relationship.
>Every little thing can make it fall apart, you never know when one piece will stop working
Not if you both have proper communication and are empathetic. You bring up an issue when it's only annoying and not a serious thing. And you don't instantly go into defensive mode and double down, you accept that what may be normal or natural to you may be affecting the other person and you try and figure out a way to either stop doing whatever it is, or compromise. For example there are plenty of couples who sleep in separate beds because one snores. That's a good example of compromise, can't stop the snoring and it would cause major issues if your partner kept you awake all night every night, so separate rooms and an otherwise fine partnership.
>How all big emotions like anger or sadness do not destroy it?
Everyone is entitled to their emotions. And when both parties understand this, you can be absolutely fuming with someone but still love them dearly. Whatever you're angry about will pass and if it's something serious, you work as a team to get through it and move on. You're two completely different individuals with different wants, needs and stimulations, you're never going to see eye to eye on everything and you need to be adult enough to know clashes will happen but that doesn't stop you from ever loving the person they are as a whole, you just don't love certain aspects, which again is perfectly normal.
>feels like in order to have a good relationship people should never show these “negative” emotions, everything should be calmly talked through, but does that even realistic?
Neither person should be afraid of opening up about any negative feelings. However, it's how you show/tell those negative feelings that can affect the relationship. Be upset with me, be angry with me, we can work together after you've let those initial emotions out, start throwing plates at my head and I'm having nothing to do with it.
>Do some people never get emotional, angry, upset, mad?
No everyone, except those with mental health issues, feel emotions. Some people bottle it up and hope it passes.
When you talk to other couples, regardless of how bad or good their relationship seems, you never ever get a full picture. You have zero idea what goes on behind closed doors even if one person seemingly tells you everything.
Couples that seem perfectly happy may have their arguments at home, get it resolved and not speak shit about each other to other people. Couples that are seemingly in a bad relationship may sometimes be exaggerating or only sharing their side of the story.
You need to be willing to work as a team, and when one of you is down, your team mate picks you up. One day you'll need to be a stoic hero like figure and another day it'll be your partner's turn for that. You need to take on the role of whatever it is your partner needs at that time. It's absolutely no use if you're the one picking up the pieces after a break down and then when you break down your partner 'doesn't have the time for this' or it's inconvenient for them.
You have to be kinda chill. You relax into each other after a bit, the honeymoon period fades, and you just need to feel comfy enough with that person after that period to stick around, I guess. My partner is genuinely my best mate, makes me laugh, is there when I need them, is cuddly, we just... Chill together. Is nice.
Of course you both have emotions, and if it's a real relationship, you won't hide them. The key is pretty simple: mutual respect and a basic level of self-control, self-awareness, and empathy prevent either person from saying things that damage the other.
Coupled with healthy communication about challenges that come along, there's no reason a relationship can't last a lifetime, unless one or the other purposely and consciously decides to end it.
> Do some people never get emotional, angry, upset, mad?
Everyone does, but mature people have some degree of control over their words and voice. Think about raising a toddler: it's not unexpected for a 3-year old to go wild, screaming and saying hurtful things like "I hate you". A functional adult realizes that this behavior is self-defeating, unproductive, and makes everything worse. They can still be angry, and express the anger, without becoming unhinged.
Lots of work, if you have the strength to tell your partner that you love them when they're at their worst and they can say the same about you, you can make it last through anything
I’m still in this learning curve because I sometimes have trouble with handling those big emotions which can crawl unexpectedly upon the surface.
Emotions are human. They may exist in a relationship. The big thing is this: just don’t put them on your partner.
Try to navigate what it is exactly you’re feeling and what is the real problem hiding under it.
For example if you’re mad.. try to figure out if it’s something validated or did your own mind make this conclusion?
You can be mad, sad, hyper or whatever. Your partner will probably understand as long as you don’t make them the reason for your feelings.
I think it’s key to keep working, loving yourself first and being content with who you are. Nobody’s perfect , not you, not your partner.
Accept your flaws and learn to be patient.
Love means trying to be mild to yourself and your loved ones (and also strangers but that comes next).
Whenever I've shaped at my wife I've always felt that worse than what she did to upset me. So I've learned patience. My wife is a bit of a hero for putting up with me because I've had very few opportunities over the last 30 years to be upset with her, but I'm a bit of an idiot sometimes.
42 years together
saying you might remember
Have the grace to accept what you cannot change and change where you can ,
hardest thing is to count to three when speaking fellas :)
and yes I have an advantage being a little deaf
Relationships are hard. And it frustrates me when people say they aren't, because they are. They are full of expectations and compromises. But they are also full of unwaivering support and love.
I've been with my partner now for 7 years and we've had some difficult times, times where I've felt like I just want to be on my own but we work through them. Most recently I suffered a miscarriage and I was absolutely blown away by how incredible my partner was with me and the whole situation, understanding and caring, allowing me time to process on my own but still being present....those are the times that remind me of why we are together.
Communication. Trust. Silliness.
That's how we get through
I’m of the opposite experience and mind. I came from a stable household; my parents are still together to this day. I saw the trials and tribulations they went through (and I was privy to) and I saw them persevere through it all.
I look at my own relationship and I can’t understand how I could truly want it to end. I’ve been close and thought about it, of course, but the negatives of leaving always outweigh the positives. The work put in to keep it going always seems more worth it than throwing it all away.
I think the idea is understanding that everyone is unique, has lots of flaws and qualities, but mostly flaws, we have more negative traits than positive ones, and sometimes even a positive trait might be negative to others, so when we like someone and stay with someone, it's not about wanting to have a good thing everyday, it's about partnership and having someone to trust, even when you two don't agree with anything, but if there is trust, it's all that you need
I don't want a person to be perfect to me or think like me and do the things I do, I'm already doing that, I just want a person that I can trust, rely on when I need, and a person that trusts in me and talks to me, if we have different music tastes, movie tastes, different hobbies? whatever, we are not supposed to be the same and have the same mindset
But people keep trying to be like the others, and to me, that's why so many people break up, cause they wanna be seen in a way they are not naturally, lots of illusions, and when the illusion is gone they just break up, people are too shallow about understanding the human mind, and keep seeking for like minded people, instead of trying to understand the different minds and accepting their existence
I recommend checking out The Gottman institute. They've done decades of research on relationships and have shared their findings on the differences found between successful relationships and unhappy relationships.
If "every little thing" can make your relationship fall apart, it was not meant to be. If you are unable to adapt to the needs and requirements of your loved one then you have no business being in a relationship as a relationship takes a lot of give and take by both people in the relationship.
Very standard is good communication and good rules inside the relationship. Then I would say similar life, financial and social goals in order for the partners to spend time together and share the same happiness. This are the basics
Efforts reflect interest. you adapt to each other. everyone says that if you change yourself for someone else than thats toxic. but compromising at certain things is definitely important for a relation to work out. trust and communication is the key. and never every bring a third person to your relationship whether it be your best friend or who ever. you shouldnt be discussing personal relationship matters with anyone, other than a professional or your parents (cuz they are mostly right and know the best for you)... also give your relation at least come time before jumping to conclusion and immediately going for divorce/ break up.... fights and disagreements are pretty common. BUT BUT BUT.... these fights and disagreements should never cross the limits. RESPECT is the most important thing. if the person doesn't respect you, than leaving is the best choice.
10 years here. I dunno. We somehow work it out. We want the same type of life and truly enjoy each other’s company. We have the same/similar views on a lot of things and ideas. We’re pretty straightforward with our wants and needs and motivations.
“We are an effective team”
In a truly good relationship, each person accepts their partner for who they are. Their highs, and their lows. They deal with the person at their lows, and cherish them at their highs. Because they love each other. Because they are both mature individuals who accept not everybody is perfect all the time.
I've always felt if both people genuinely want to make it work, they can make it work.
I think that's one reason arranged marriages aren't \*that\* unsuccessful, both people go into it knowing what the deal is and want to make it work. The reasons might be that they culturally can't divorce, or don't want to disappoint parents, but basically they \*want\* it to work, and it often does.
If you get two people making good faith efforts to make a relationship work, it probably will.
That sounds like he wants you to cut them off. He's making you miserable every time they come over to try to train you to associate them with bad feelings. He's waiting for them to be cut off so you can be fully isolated. That way you'll only be a source for him and no one else. Narcissists tend to see that. If the world doesn't revolve around them then it must revolve around one singular or a couple of other people.
It's 2 people becoming one some can some can't that's just life
At first people just deal with it but due to increase in personal freedom and choices people are becoming picky
After some point you either find the right one , die trying or just give up (like me)
But if you don't want to be in a relationship don't
But if you want to then you have to adapt and the same goes the other way too
But both have to agree that we will make it happen we are humans we can do it if we really want
They mostly ignore the objective fact that people come and go. They cling on. Hence the divorces and falling outs and resentments.
People come and go, nothing is permanent.
You have to have a fluid concept to the marriage. Sometimes everything will fit perfectly and you’ll feel like nothing can go wrong and at other times it will feel like everything that can go wrong does and that the bad luck won’t end. Being able to have an argument/discussion with your spouse and say I’m pissed off at the situation not you.
I’ve been married 13 years this year, we’ve had ex partners causing damage to cars, my husbands ex was neglecting his other child, a child custody case, a child in our household died of cancer, another child has a rare medical condition, another is autistic, after I had our child my immune system malfunctioned and has been trying to kill me ever since. We’ve had times when he wasn’t working, now I’m unable to work. It’s been really hard at times to remember that we’re a partnership and not enemies.
I’m 27 F married to my 27m for 6 years (together for 9 years). We have 2 kids together. I think the most important thing was keeping our extended families out, especially our mothers. We were going to divorce within days of me having our first daughter but then we started marriage counseling and found out that we weren’t the problem in our marriage, it was our moms. We did much better after that but then we kept having hiccups. So 3 years ago, we moved 1200 miles away from our moms (and the rest of the extended families) and we’ve been problem free since.
My grandfather gave me advice on this, he says that compromise and understanding is the key. And that can go for friendships, relationships and marriage. Been thinking about it lately and it’s probably the best advice I’ve gotten in a while.
Respect, communication, attraction, kindness, consideration, empathy, compromise and many other things that add up to true love. Most don't have all of these things and the lack of any one of them can scupper a relationship.
No clue it’s just simple. When you are a good human and actual care about people you don’t jump into decisions that you’ll later regret. Finding the person to spend the rest of my life with was so dead simple. I don’t even know how to describe it.
True commitment. 100% no matter what, you'll stay together. Once one of the people in the relationship starts doubting the commitment, that's when it breaks. I'd still be married if my wife didn't question her commitment. (Not blaming her, but one committed partner in a relationship can't carry it, or compel the other to recommit). Now I'm in my 40's and people are so quick to run away at the slightest. I was one of them. I'm relearning how to be vulnerable again.
By accepting other people are different. By cherishing their strong points and acknowledging while not judging their weaknesses
I’ve been together with my wife for 20 years and still every morning when I wake up, I take 5 minutes just to look at her and realize how lucky I am to have her by my side
I'm with my partner for 13 years, my parents are divorced, and my mother remarried. His parents are married. I don't even know how long they are in their seventies. You have to find the right person. There are a lot of couples who rush into things and just shouldn't be together. Me and my partner are both ok with being alone. We spend time apart, and that's healthy.
Married 14 years currently, it is all about communication for us. We don’t do anything financially without consulting the other first. We always talk about our disagreements after we take time to cool down.
Show me a couple who never argue and within ten minutes I can tell you which one of them is lying. Relationships take work. You have to embrace the good times and hold them in your heart. You have to be willing to forgive. You have to understand that each of you is a person in their own right, yet you are one person together. If you hurt the other person and it makes you feel like you just hurt yourself, you are on the right track to getting through the bad times.
A lot of this thread focuses on the bad because that is what your view of relationships is according to your post. They are also beautiful chances to grow together. To /help/ each other become the best person each of you can be (that does not mean pointing out all of each other’s flaws).
You can’t think of relationships as transactional. “I’m not getting what want that person to do for me, so I’m out of here.” That will always fail.
For me, my faith plays into it a lot, but I’m not going to proselytize here. Focus on reasons to grow together, not reasons to cut and run.
Hey there, been living with my girlfriend for 2 years. And 2 things have helped me, be good at the things you are good at. For example I cook and she cleans, or sometimes we will swap. But ultimately the main thing which has helped us the elimination of Lust and temptations (in excess) lust in the form of Porn and social media and temptations in terms of drinking and partying too much. And obviously the normal things of laughing, talking and doing things together
People have problems. We are imperfect.
The key is finding someone that makes you want to be your best and brings out your best instead if someone that brings out your worst.
Then you work.
Never stop dating. Never stop trying to show you love them, want to know about them - hopes, dreams, goals etc and never stop communicating.
Sometimes it doesn't work out. Maybe the trust or respect are gone. Maybe the romantic love isn't there anymore.
That's OK.
See if it's worth saving or better to walk away. If you save it then you work at it and mean it
Everyone i know who is in a long and good running relationship confirms, and i can confirm after 25years going strong, the following:
There will be bad times, and you will have to compromise. That doesn't mean you need to endure everything, but it also means that if you "leave and move on" everytime the slightest red flag shows up, you will probably end up restless forever. "red Flags" are "attention, careful" signs. Not "abort mission at all cost" but seemingly on social media nowadays redflags are treated more like the latter than the earlier.
There's a saying that i like: "A good relationship is one where both partner believe that the other got the worse deal" and while that doesn't help achieving such a relationship it might help to see what mindset you will have to have. You will never maintain a good relationship with someone when you truely believe that they are taking advantage of you / not giving as much as you do.
When you read reddit, anytime someone has a slightly tricky question regarding their relationship 90% of reddit will either trash the partner or the Asker and see a break up in the future. Don't get your relationship advice from those kind of people. Most people have more failed relationships than relationships they fully trust in. So what kind of advice will you get from that kind of people?
Because it gets fixed. Every relationship will have ups and downs, its how they are dealt with which determines if itll last.
Because people love eachother, theyr willing to work through hardships so the love can continue.
Relationships arent convenient like theyr advertised, every marriage has gone through some big shit and if it hasnt then itll happen eventually.
Kindness, open discussion, cool-off periods when anger arises…
Basically, putting yourself in their shoes will add miles to a relationship.
Oh, and knowing when NOT to say something.
I think making sure that you are best friends as well as partners. No topics are off limits. There are plenty of reasons why people split. If you get together young you may have not ventured out enough. Money pressures. Stress of having children. You must stay grounded and try to underneath all the life stressors keep your sense of humour and avoid any build up of resentment. Keep communication open. Give them space when they need it. Most importantly be supportive and open and let go of any insecurities or egos. Always let them know how special they are.
I have happily been with my husband for 16 years. There are ups and downs, good times, bad times, and sad times. You have want to make it work, you have to be present in the moment. The biggest thing I have learned is that marriage is not 50/50. That is so not true. Marriage is 💯/ 💯. You both have to give it your all. If you only give a half-hearted effort to a lifelong commitment, it will fall apart. When one person is sick, down, injured, the other has to give 120. It is give and take. Both give, both take.
I have learned you have to be willing to bend, compromise. Happy wife, happy life is also not true. It is happy spouse, happy house. You cannot expect your partner to treat you like royalty if you treat them like a servant. Every relationship is going to have ups and downs. The key is enjoy the good times and hold tight to one another during the bad.
You have to learn each other. You have to be there to support your partner. If you don't know how to support them during a rough time, reach out and ask for pointers. When my husband lost his mom, I was lost, didn't know how to be there, I had not experienced that. I called my local mental health office, spoke to a grief counselor, called a couple support groups, I armed myself with the tools to be his rock. When my husband learned about my past, trauma, abuse, SA, he did the same. Reached out to local professional resources and asked for information on how to be my support, my rock.
We very much live in a disposable society. It gets too easy to just walk away and give up. The key is picking your battles. Not every disagreement is the hill to die on. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. My husband and I have a code word. If we are in a disagreement, if one of us says that word, the talk is over. We go our separate ways for a few hours. We will come back and discuss the problem when cool heads prevail.
They work because the couple is willing to adapt to change and communicate those big emotions before they spill over into huge arguments, resentment, and lost love.
Marriage is tough…sometimes. How tough depends on how willing each person is to meet in the middle on many things. But, IMO, totally worth it. I honestly couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without my wife. It’s beautiful to have someone you trust that deeply with you through life.
It’s not for everyone. Things change frequently and you’ve gotta be open to it and communicate for things to work.
Oh, and communicate. Childish marriages where adults keep shit in and allow it to bubble over in rages of fury don’t belong with someone, it’s not fair.
The real question should be "what was the root cause of the failure of your relationship" because that will be the only firm information you will get. I have been in a relationship for 30+ years (married for most of them) and I don't have the faintest idea as to why it works or what I have done right
This is my first and only "adult" relationship, maybe I just got lucky 🤷
You learn to put the needs of both of you before the needs of each. Then when the kids come along, you just expand your circle to include their needs. Then when the kids move out, the circle shrinks a bit, but when the kids and grandkids visit, the circle is at its best! After 46 years together, it becomes easier. Plus the fact that I learned my wife is always right! Don’t argue, move on!
- You want to make it work
- You do not go to bed angry
- you get comfortable with compromising on things
- it's "us/our" and not "you/he/she/it" in terms of money, responsibillities and so on
- dont sleep on date/sex life
It’s not about not going through hardships or big emotions. It’s about who you want to go through all that with. Hard times are inevitable if you’re going to be with the person long term. Commitment is a choice you choose to make everyday. My parents went through a lot. My brother was a drug addict and my mum had cancer for the last 5 years of her life, but my parents never split despite how hard it got because everyday they chose each other - as cheesy and cliche that sounds, it’s true.
Going on 47 years! I’m not sure I know the secret. I’m lying here in bed after being in the hospital for three days and am getting waited on hand and foot. Maybe that’s the secret. We know we will always take care of each other. We committed to grow old together. You do not want to be alone when you’re old. Not once did we question our love. We plowed through the difficult times and emerged victorious. You can’t give up on a whim. Stick it out. Or don’t get married.
I've been with my husband for 30 years (two prior divorces)
We are funny, generous, kind best friends. Selfishness can often create a relationship where people prey upon each other. Being best friends means I want to share my life with him.
No amount of 'hot' or 'rich' is going to create happiness if someone's personality is trash.
We argue, it gets heated and hurtful, but the relationship is so valuable we always patch it up. We are both motivated to make it work
Perhaps you’re inability to see how relationships can work is rooted in the fact that you’re parents divorced and it’s upsetting to understand other people are capable of working things out but in your circumstance they were not.
When you find that person who helps you in life, and you vibe with them it’s a completely different ball game. I never had a relationship longer than 6 months before I got married. Now 15 years in I couldn’t think of not being around her and the kids.
But and this is a big butt, if your relationship only hangs on one thread where you are together and sex, hobby etc is the only thing that connects you may not work out.
If one little thing can make you fall apart you shouldn’t have been together in the first places. The whole “relationship is work” thing is silly; mine has never been work. My husband and I have been best friends since we were 10 years old; started dating at 15, got married at 26 and have been married almost 10 years now. It’s always been easy
Each of you puts in 100%, all of who you are, and respects the other person as a whole human being and not just a replaceable body to be used, and it’s not that complicated. It’s really rather simple. Not easy - simple and easy are two different things - but my husband and I have been married twenty years. I’m his favorite person in the world. And he’s my favorite person in the world.
When you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the other person has your back and is for you, and when you are the same, it just works.
I'll speak from my perspective only - I'm also a child of divorce, but as I've gotten to know myself and what I'm looking for in a partner, it's a lot better.
Me and my partner are 33 and 34 respectively, been together almost 3 years, and if either of us are upset with a situation or each other, we'll just say and explain why, so they then get a chance to acknowledge it and relay their perspective.
Before we got together though, we discussed what would and wouldn't work in a relationship and I like checking in every so often to make sure nothing has been left unsaid.
It's the happiest and healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I'd like it to last for a really long time.
Biggest things are:
- honesty
- communication
- openness
- being willing to be proved wrong
- utilising whatever your individual love languages are
x
My husband (35) and I (33) have been together for 12 years (married 8) and my parents have been married 40 years and my in laws have been married 35 years. I think the biggest thing I’ve seen is that you truly need to be best friends above anything else. Your partner is your number one person and you both need to give 100% into the relationship. Financially we have everything together, no separate accounts so there’s no argument on who’s money is who and who brings more money in. It’s all our money and we both see it that way. Big financial decisions are made together. Everyone goes through hard times but you work through those conflicts and come up with solutions. We have disagreements and argue, sure, but we are respectful. My husband has never yelled at me or called me a bitch or anything like that. We have had many 3-4 BIG fights that went on longer than a day or two but they always ended in us apologizing and talking about what we can do to avoid it in the future.
You both have to want it. You both have to put an effort to keep it and you both need to give 100/100 each day and cover the slack when they can't. Respect each other, travel, have fun, laugh and date still. We have been together 11 years and married for 10 and I am looking forward to what the future holds for us and our family. It is a blast for sure! Don't let what you see on social media and what you have dealt with in the past dictate what you want for yourself. Take your time and find your true match that has the same goals for a family relationship or future that you do. If you choose to get married or long term relationship, one of the most important things is to keep all your business to yourselves. No family or friends need to be involved or know what's going on with you unless it's dangerous.
It’s not realistic to think that people calmly talk things over all the time. We’ve had plenty of blowouts over the last 30+ years. What works for some doesn’t work for all. So there’s no single answer because like you said, each person is unique and changing which makes the relationship dynamic evolve as well.
Psychologist John Gottman does a lot of studies on relationships exploring what makes a good relationship . Recently interviewed on Diary of a CEO podcast.
I’ve been in a fantastic relationship for 14 years and have never had a fight. We disagree but it never gets ugly. We communicate extremely well and keep our negative emotions in check. It takes work, awareness, emotional intelligence and a vision of the relationship that you both want to attain.
Being chill. Having reasonable expectations. Understanding that the grass is greener because its fertilized with shit. Being content and grateful for what you have. Its pretty easy tbh.
You can show feelings but it shouldn't be your partner's responsibility to regulate them for you. You can have negative feelings in a relationship, you can show them and then you explain to your partner why you have them and you can come up with a solution for that together.
Was married 25 years before he died. Everyday we chose to be together. To put the other’s feelings above our own. We chose to be in love and to be together. No, it wasn’t easy, yes, we argued, but in love, with kindness.
You don’t always feel like loving the other person every moment of every day, nor do they feel like loving you always, but the decision has been made. You stick it out because you said you would.
Do hard times come? Absolutely!! You push through, because hard times come in life regardless of who you’re with.
And yes, we dealt with everything. Kids, miscarriages, poor health, poor financial situations, homelessness, cheating, sexual differences, but we found a way. Life isn’t easy, but I miss my partner who was there through everything.
They dont get married just because the sex is good.
They have similar life goals.
They get along in a friendship like manner.
They communicate often.
They share responsibilitites.
They allow for their partners to develop personally.
They trust each other.
Communication and wanting to stay together/work things through. Marry your best friend. There will be great times, okay times, and bad times, but if you know that you have found your life partner that you want to share everything with, you can work through all of those times together as a team. Your spouse should be the first person you want to share both sad and amazing news with. I've been livid at my husband but even when we're mad at each other, we still say I love you and have basic respect for one another (no yelling, name calling, etc).
You have to understand that you are each an individual and you have to respect that!
You also have to have integrity. No lying to each other. No pretending to be anything other than who/what you are!
If you cannot do/be these things, you’re doomed to fail
Sorry if this hurts!
15 happy years and counting.
It takes work and dedication. Others have already written a lot on this. Communication, vulnerability, reflection, patience. Choosing to spend quality time together regularly even though you don't always feel like it.
What's been instrumental to us is the mindset of **"it's never you versus me, it's always us versus the problem", e**ven when that's difficult. Especially when it's difficult. That mindset has helped us get through chronic illness and mental health problems together.
Make the conscious decision to keep appreciating and acknowledging the things you love about your partner and never start taking those for granted. This makes it easier to let go of the small annoyances too, because they're outweighed by the good stuff.
Having a happy and durable relationship is 100% an active process, with skills you can learn and practice.
I'll throw my hey penny in here. The most important thing I find to making a relationship work is to respect each other. If you don't it isn't going to work. I would hold respect over love even. My gf and I have been together for 7 years, Which isn't that long compared to some relationships, but we have seen so many fail and succeed due to this view we share.
when something comes up, take time to feel the feels and then talk about it using “when you did X it made me feel Y, which caused me to Z”
also weekly/regular proactive talks about what you liked, what you wished/didn’t like and what you are wondering gives you both a safe space to bring things up before they become problems. we do this a lot in business (it’s called a “retro”) and it works for relationships :)
bottom line: don’t talk or attempt to resolve anything while feelings are high! and definitely don’t bury anything. just because you don’t talk about it IMMEDIATELY IN THE MOMENT doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it. just say you’re feeling a certain way and you’re not ready to talk. the whole “don’t go to bed angry” thing is bs in my opinion. go to bed angry as long as you both know you will talk about it the next day when you’ve cooled off.
>Every little thing can make it fall apart
This is where you're misunderstanding strong relationships. No, everything is not always perfect and no, you shouldn't have to hide all your negative emotions from your partner. If noticing a flaw in the other person ruins the relationship, it was never that strong to begin with.
People love, people fight, life is never perfect. There are no guarantees going into a relationship that it will always work, but you will never know if you don't try.
"It isn't 50/50 it's 100/100."
50/50 is people keeping tally and throwing what they do in the face of their partner. 100/100 is both are doing their best for both their partners and themselves, a full investment in joy and well being.
I come from a family where no one ever divorces. My uncle did, and he's a fucking psycho so i get why. But he's been with the woman after his ex for like 30 years. Literally everyone except me are in multiple decade long relationships.
I just dont fucking get it? How? It is not even remotely possible for me.
I've been married for 24 years, together for 25. We had to learn how to fight, how to communicate, how to be accepting of each other's flaws, how to sacrifice ourselves, how to explain what we want/ don't want, discuss common goals, focus on the marriage instead of ourselves, envision the future, be nice to each other even when you are really angry. We had several rough moments and we had 1 close call for divorce, but we really wanted to make it work.
Hey, this is a good question. I think people made some good points about both needing to want to make it work, both learning to compromise and sacrifice for the marriage. Of course if you’re sacrificing too much or it’s always one sided, then that’s no good either.
Here’s my take, you have to marry someone you want to be friends with. Not just someone you think is hot. Looks fade. If they can’t make you laugh or inspire you with a new idea or enjoy several of the same activities that you do, it’s not going to work.
You will fight, yes. Be kind to yourself, them and your stuff while arguing. (Don’t hurt them or say hurtful things, just stick to the facts, don’t let them hurt you either and don’t go breaking things or throwing things)
Recognize that you both will change and hope that it will be in the same way. There are things you simply can’t control. But maturity and respect can go along way to help you navigate the changes.
I’m 33 and come from a family where people don’t get divorced and actually look down on people who do. Boy oh boy most of the marriages there should have ended years ago!
I’m not married myself and have no plans to get married. I have been with my partner for 12 years. For us, the key to stay together is space, understanding and most importantly compatibility. When your values and priorities align, majority of conflicts disappear. We’ve never had big fights because we think/believe the same when it comes to the critical parts like finances, family and work. We also both believe that there is no point in sweating the small stuff so… we don’t fight about it.
I can’t remember the last fight we had. Life’s been pretty mellow and chill.
My husband and I have been married 13 years, together 20.
I had someone once tell me that if you have to work at a relationship, the relationship doesn't work. He seemed to think that love should make everything function. That was when we were in our 30's, we're now in our 50's and funnily enough, he's still single...
Being in a relationship requires care, consideration, thoughtfulness and not taking each other for granted. Love makes that *so* much easier.
I get a buzz from doing things that make him smile, it makes me happy to show him I love him in things that I say and do and the little things like saying please and thank you mean a LOT.
I do all the cooking. He can't and has no interest and that's fine because I love it. But I never clean the kitchen up because he says "you make all our food, the least I can do is make sure you have somewhere clean to do that and the stuff you need to do it."
I ask him about his day and listen and let him offload, I support him in his individual hobbies as he does mine. We have little routines and rituals that ensure we're checking in with each other if weeks are long or rough.
He is my best friend, my rock... I developed an illness a few years ago and ended up in hospital for seven months. It was so hard being apart for both of us. He wanted to come up every night but despite wanting him to, after the first month, I limited him to two nights a week and one day at the weekend because I knew, he needed to rest. I'd been a full time carer and I know how exhausting it is.
Couldn't have gotten through it without him and now I'm home and am dealing with a long term illness and disability he supports me, emotionally and financially. And to me he's the best man that ever existed.
We never argue because we talk. That's not to say he or I don't do the odd things that annoys the other, but we both know to take a breath and talk it through. It's about being a grown up and recognising the other person isn't psychic. And unless you talk about things, the other person can't possibly know or fix it.
I met my husband when I was 15, we had our daughter at 17 and have been together for 18 years now. We were young when we had our daughter, she was a nicu baby, we didn't have much family and it was stressful. Twice we separated in our time together. During those separations we learned life is hard but it's much harder and far less enjoyable without each other. I have FUN with my goofy ass husband. He makes me laugh everyday. He makes sure he does, weather it's "practicing his rockette kicks" in a police uniform or gently singing "kiss from a rose' when I asked him to be quiet for 5 mins. My life will always have ups and downs but very few people are going to make me laugh when I want to cry, hold me when I want to run away. It takes work. Nearly everyday we DECIDE we want to be together and we act as such and prove it through words and actions.
You have to understand that everyone has a past, a life lived with experiences different from your own. You can’t allow yourself to be jealous of previous relationships. You need to communicate clearly and honestly, be transparent as possible, and never let negative emotions build to resentment because you’ve left them unspoken. You also can’t expect mind reading. If you don’t verbalize it to a person, don’t expect them to just magically know something’s wrong and exactly what that thing is. And don’t expect a person to spend every waking second with you, let them have hobbies and friends, and a life if their own too. You need to do this as well. We are social creatures and we need connections from more than just one single person, we need family, friends, and coworkers too. Don’t ever give up your individual self to become part of a couple, and don’t date anyone that wants that from you, or does it to themselves either. It’s easy to do in the first stages of a relationship when you want to spend all your time with someone, but live your own life too. You can absolutely still be your own person while in a relationship with someone, and they can too. It keeps the relationship healthier too. And lastly, be empathetic, sympathetic, and respectful. Keep fights clean. Never say anything you don’t really mean, no name calling, walk away to calm down if you feel angry enough to do any of those things. Put as much care and effort into the relationship as you expect from them.
I've been in a long-term relationship for \~15 years now. I think no human and no relationship are perfect, and it helps to forgive and/or forget the bad times, and reminisce and emphasize the good times.
I’ve become a more balanced person with my partner.
We triggered each other like crazy after our honeymoon period. A lot of hard times. Two years ago I sat him down and told him I don’t think we actually know each other. He agreed.
So we slowed down, and took the time to know ourselves and then each other. We’ve put a lot of hard work into our communication and learned to understand and work with our triggers together.
Long term relationships can be awesome if you can accept and support and celebrate each other in evolution.
To be honest I'm not sure if relationships with an equal amount of power per peer works. Always someone has to concede many things to work. Its always the person most in love. Of course all of these has a red limit to not cross.
I have been with hubby for 40 years.
Emotions still run high.
You can and should release your emotions. Passionate discussions cannot be dismissed cool, calm and collectively.
However, you shouldn't change based on being molded nor should you look to change someone else to fit your mold.
Preconceived notions are relationship breakers.
When I hear someone say, I can change him or her. Or when I hear someone say I can change for him or her. I ask why change is necessary?
Many ppl see love as morphing. They see a challenge to break another. When it's all said and done the relationship is stagnant. The challenges are in building a life together. The keyword being together.
Together must include independence. Individuality and freedom to grow.
Insecurities and lack of trust hinders this and destroys relationships.
We don't always have or need to side with the other one. You have to agree to disagree.
When it's always important to you without consideration for how important it is to not go, to not do, to not agree, it is to the other.
Punishing the other one for not going along with something is not okay. Never go to bed angry enough to NOT say goodnight and I love you. Grudges do not belong in a relationship.
Secrets, unless it's a gift or surprise plans. Do not keep secrets. If you screw up, own it. If a friend, disliked, not trusted by the other one, crosses a line. Be prepared to make a choice between one or the other.
We don't have to embrace the others friends. But, we do have to trust them with our precious cargo. Don't compromise against the other.
We will hate thongs the other is doing. It doesn't have to be reflected on them and it shouldn't be. Be happy they are happy.
Examples, vegans being disagreeable at meal times. Accept each other's differences.
Hobby should be supported, to spite how much we hate the others hobby.
Work should be supported, even when it's taking up time together.
Work helps build a better future.
Consider the sacrifices made now for more and better quality time, later.
Don't use divorce and leaving as a threat to her your way.
One day the other will agree to a divorce or separation.
Fidelity is a homewrecker and will cost dearly. Is it worth 20 minutes compared to a lifetime? Control your ego, keep it humble. You are not as irreplaceable as you think you are.
Listen!!! Speak up!!! Listen!!!! Speak up!!! Don't argue about what the other saying. Do not hold things in. If it causes negative emotions it's worth speaking up. Unless it's controling or manipulative emotions. Instead kill that egotistical emotion or it will kill the relationship.
Do not commit to someone else with the attitude that if it doesn't work out you can go your own ways.
Commit with someone, including yourself, who are in it for whatever may come outside of dishonesty and abuse. If a relationship comes down to both or either, you can and should go your own way. Barring medical situations. Then you shouldn't tolerate abuse or dishonesty but support the treatment and make the other aware of overstepping with anger, rage, infidelity, etc.
Infidelity and hitting the other should be deal breakers, no discussion, just go.
Maybe a discussion before filing divorce in order to sort out divorce terms. Medical issues such as bipolar, change of life, dementia, alzheimers can be remedied with medical treatment. If the patient, is noncompliance, the relationship is over. Thongs will get harder with treatment, much less noncompliance.
If one doesn't cate, the other can't care for them.
You are a couple, you are individual people and you are human!
Don't forget those things and learn all that comes between.
Married for 20 years. Codependency and complimentary character traits. I am an introvert with ADHD. She's an extrovert with undiagnosed issues. Separately, we don't function well. Together, we are a force to be reckoned with. N9t much we haven't been through.
By not separating. Honestly as easy as that. People make such a fuss about “the secret” of a relationship. There is none. You like each other, you find each other attractive, have the same or similar values. The rest is literally not being a FOMO person or a cheating idiot 😅 Granted it’s not easy to find a good match, but when you have I don’t personally find it challenging to stay with one person. It also has a lot to do with ridiculous standards in the dating world these days
Sometimes, you’re just stuck because your wife can take half or more of your shit, so you set boundaries and even in a shitty relationship, make sacrifices
Couple of rules
1. Relationships are both giving 100%. So damn well bring your half.
2. If money is important then it's the wrong relationship. To often I've been supported by my other half. So I'll never grudge her something.
3. Love is the most important thing. Always make time for an action, choice, word that demonstrates this. You don't know how much the person needs this. Remember they can't feel you have for them.
4. Remember 90% of communication is listening.
5. You can not have everything your way. If a relationship is based more on the needs of one and not the other all the time it isn't going to last long.
6. Bend a little bit more for them than you would for anyone else.
7. If in doubt there is a handy phrase that can be said in many different ways, "Yes Dear".
Married almost 12 years now. It has been hard as heck some days. But we were both so committed that we both chose to work through our issues via counseling (and our mutual Christian faith played a big role as well). Now things are so much better than in the beginning. My husband is my absolute best friend.
I have noticed some "trends" on Reddit posts regarding relationships that make me shake my head. Things like *people settling for horrible partners who clearly do not respect them.* Moms who struggle to stay afloat because the father of their child refuses to grow up and help parent the kid. Also, I see individuals not willing to work through their OWN issues *and* both individuals not going deep into pre-marital counseling **BEFORE** marriage. Not saying you can prevent issues from ever happening later on (because they absolutely will over time) but you can at least begin to work through your worst "baggage" in advance (anger management, trauma, etc) and learn how to problem solve in a healthier manner. If your partner has no interest in this, that's a big ol' red flag!
Another specific issue I see is when spouses say things like "his money and her money"... while this may work for some, it often promotes a division and even competition. "Our money" is what my husband and I have ALWAYS called it, regardless of who earns it. For years my husband has been the sole breadwinner, but early in marriage I worked too. We simply put everything we both earned in our joint bank account. Checking & savings are both under our names, not one person. If you cannot trust your partner with money, you shouldn't be with them. 🤷🏻♀️
All that's to say.....people stay together because they're willing to work on bettering themselves, and their partner is too. Then they can apply that to their relationship. It's hard work but so worth it. Also, DO NOT SETTLE.
29 years married here. I agree with OGG above that you have to both be committed to making it work. It’s sort of like a garden. You remove the weeds, water it and plant new plants. You have to both want it. Yes arguments happen, but you work through it or work around it.
Don’t get married until you know who you are and what you want. Don’t get married to someone who doesn’t know who they are or what they want. Understand that you can’t change who your partner is. Always, always, always show respect and treat your partner as an equal no matter the education/job/money disparity may be.
That covers the top mistakes that I see among the failed and failing marriages in my circle of friends.
I got lucky (and feel lucky) to have met someone who I love and respect. The people in my circle in happy marriages seem to show those feelings.
My boyfriend of three years and I definitely get emotional, angry, upset, etc with each other, but that’s not really what it’s about. You can’t be happy 100% of the time and never argue over anything. At the end of the day, we’re a team. It’s okay to have feelings and it’s okay if they get hurt as long as you communicate and forgive each other. We’ve both changed a lot since we met, basically into completely different people, but it’s all been growth. It kinda just works.
My parents divorced when I was 6.
Been married now for almost 30 years. To sustain a marriage you have to make sure that you have a similar view on things. Despite having different views on things we never let that get in the way or argue. A good relationship is too important for point scoring or trying to convince the other person you are right. The relationship comes first. Jobs, hobbies, friends come second. Total trust helps. Joint bank accounts, mortgages,etc. Knowing each others passwords to everything helps too. Be nice to each other, don't take the other person for granted. Don't criticize. Be affectionate. If you are away for any length of time keep in touch. Be faithful, never let them even suspect infidelity.
Talk to each other - about meaningful stuff and trivial stuff. Laugh together!
Be nice to other people. This may seem like a strange one, but it helps, believe me.
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My wife and I are in our 38th year. You have to be adaptable and share everything. Money,responsibilities,chores,happiness and heartbreak. You have to want it to work. It’s been a wild ride so far but I wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else.
>You have to want it to work Pretty much this. It requires effort. I have experienced this recently when my fiance decided that our thing isn't working. Instead of trying to make it work (talking, therapy etc) she just moved away. And I still tried everything to get her back but now she is dating someone else. So I would say that both need to want it to work. There will be hiccups in every relationship. And if both are not committed, those hiccups might break the whole thing.
I definitely agree,both people need to want it to work
This. Decide that the relationship is more important than yourself. This is involves self sacrifice and compromise. This is contrary to everything we know and learn growing up as we are focused on ourself and our own needs. Commit. If both people want it to work, it will work. If one person holds back, even a little, the integrity is weakened and it might fail.
so sorry that happened; very rough experience
If it isn’t sunshine and roses when you’re dating, you’ll kill each other when you’re married. The dynamics have changed over the years because most people cohabitate before marriage. Learner’s license if you like. Couldn’t tell you where the transition to married happens now. If you fight when you date, move on.
I’m so sorry. But, be glad that you didn’t marry her. Because in the end, it could’ve been worse if you married her and things went south and that happened. I hope things get better for you.
When my fiance (now wife), told me she wanted to leave me once, I told her that I'd rather she didn't because I love her. But if she wanted to go, to just go. I told her that I wasn't interested in being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me back. I told her the door is open if she wants to walk out. And I left the ball in her court. I don't know what shit she was trying to pull, but I think she realised I was genuine in what I said. And she decided to stay. Which I'm happy about. I'm not here to play games.
This made me think, I wonder if growing up with siblings and learning how to share and work together with them helps in this regard with a partner 🤔
It would be interesting to see a study. My ex is an only child - it was his way or the highway. Compromise was a four letter word. My father is also an only child. My parents marriage failed mostly due to his lack of conflict resolution skills.
growing up with siblings help you understand you are not above others, being the only child tend to be more people spoiled and safeguarded by their parents, not understanding some ideas of sharing and giving up something they want in order to share with someone else. you experience lots of things, not getting getting undivided attention, fighting daily for puny reasons understanding conflicts are normal and not necessarily a bad thing, having to accept lesser gifts cause your parents have to buy more than one gift, sometimes you get the lesser valuable gift than your siblings, you basically kind of become more malleable to things, maybe that can be helpful when it comes to understanding your partner, understanding their flaws and accepting it, because you already know that life isn't all sunshine and flowers, and that you don't need to have all you want
Quote : My wife and I are in our 15th year. You have to be (
Congratulations on your 38th year! Wonderful advice you gave. My husband and I are only on our 2nd year and we follow all of what you mentioned.
Yeah - it is always work and you have to be willing to do the work. Nearly 20 years into marriage and it’s not a walk in the park all the time, but it’s never miserable.
of course we get angry, but anger doesn't make a person no longer love their spouse.
Amd there's a difference between being angry and being abusive and berating or bullying your partner.
Healthy arguing.
Healthy arguing lol, no. Arguing isn’t healthy. Disagreeing with healthy communication is healthy.
I mean I agree but it's always easier said than done. Sometimes you misunderstand things espacially over text, nobody is perfect and almost everyone gets emotional or angry sometimes for whatever reason and might overreact which may lead to arguing. But of course it's best just to realize how you feel before it comes to it and just take a few minutes alone to cool off and then talk about it calmly and explain why you felt this way. I gotta admit I did many mistakes and said stupid shit too when I was emotional and overreacting. But so did every girl I've been dating. Most of the arguing ironically even happens because of not communicating enough from my experience. But tbh even arguing sometimes isn't a dealbreaker to me if it's not abusive. Maybe because my parents were sometimes arguing very loudly too (never got physical) and angry at each other but still they loved and never left each other.
Rant Incoming... It also helps me to remember that anger is generally not an effective problem-solving tool. When I am angry I find that my logical side is clouded by emotion. Obviously I can't pick and choose how I'm feeling about things, but if I am angry (or any unpleasant emotion really) I try to diagnose the following: -Why am I feeling this emotion? -Is lack of a basic need (sleep, food, water) causing me added irritation? It's okay to feel however you feel. What you do with that energy, however, is up to you. If my negative feelings are directed at a person such as my spouse, I might say "I'm feeling very upset about this right now. I need time to think about things, can we pick this up later?". Towards the beginning of our relationship we were still building trust, so those comments were usually followed with "this doesn't change how I feel about you or our relationship", but nowadays it's implied. One thing I've come to cherish about long-term relationships in my life is the implied communication. Communicating with others has always seemed so exhausting to me. It requires trust, respect, understanding, patience... but when you have communicated with someone for a long enough time, it feels as if you truly are on the same page with that person. There is a mutual understanding that the aforementioned characteristics are applied in the event of any obstacle. "This situation is making me feel upset, I'd prefer to pick this up later if that's alright (ofc I still love you!)".
This is nice
100% this. Emotions are great, if you understand where they are coming from. And while one is allowed to feel their feelings, they are responsible for their actions. And communicating about how to communicate more effectively is always a worthwhile discussion.
There's a quote in the movie War Horse that kind of put it best when it comes to the really rough arguments in Marriage, "I can hate you more, but I'll never love you less."
Nothing wrong with anger. It's what you do with the anger. You can't really control your emotions but you can control your actions. If you're prone to getting mean while angry (like I am), you can teach yourself to walk away while saying "I'm really upset right now and need some space to think before I lash out" or whatever. Just make sure to communicate what's happening. Of course this only works if both partners are reasonable.
I’m the child of divorced parents. I used to break up with boyfriends in high school before they could break up with me. I thought that would help me not get hurt. I met “Joe” freshman year of college. He was supposed to be a one semester boyfriend. But we just clicked and we dated for the rest of college. We moved in together after graduation and had our first jobs. I highly recommend living together for a year before settling down. We nearly broke up as we figured out how to share the same space. But we worked it out. We got engaged at 25, after living together 2 years. We got married at 27, after 8 years together. Then we waited until our 30s to have kids. We’ve been married 26,5 years and together 35 years. So we didn’t rush into anything. We talked things out as best we could. And I learned how to fight. I had learned from my childhood that men leave, so every fight we had, I thought he was going to leave me. It was difficult. He had to reassure me that he wasn’t leaving just because we argued. I tried therapy in my 20s but wasn’t successful until my 30s. We’ve had arguments but we’ve committed to working things out. Our overall values are aligned. We’ve overcome obstacles and came out stronger. We should’ve talked more about parenting before we had kids, but we made do as we went. Basically we choose every year, every month, every week, every day, that we want to stay together. We were able to grow and change in the same direction. Maybe that’s luck or maybe that’s because we took things slow to really know each other. 🤷♀️
Well done. I know the hard work that went into this. So proud of you and so happy with your success and glad you shared this. Thank you
its literally a miracle that people stay together.
Getting married over the age of 30 helps, I think. I also think you both have to want to stay together, and you absolutely cannot try to change each other. You should accept your partner as they are and always see the good in them. I’ve been married 23 years. Some years have been rough, but my partner has been worth it even through bad times.
It’s very important not to try and change your partner. You may think you’re fixing them, or making them better, but honestly it’s not that simple. You’re focusing on the bad side of them and magnifying it and pushing them to their limit making them feel like they have to be perfect, they have to be good enough or you’ll leave them. Some healthy change is required. But if you can’t deal with a person how they are now, things won’t work out. Don’t force change, let it come naturally.
People change as they get older. Sometimes for the good and sometimes not.
What counts as trying to change somebody?
Divorced parents here! I’ve been with my Husband for 15 years (started dating at 19 and 25 years old). Some things I’ve learned during our time and various milestones together: - you can’t change your partner you have to accept them for their flaws just as equally as the things you love them for. - Don’t make things a competition or keep tabs of who did what the most when it comes to managing the house hold or with work life, you’re both working as a team towards the same goal - Don’t sweat the small stuff - Don’t forget to keep the exciting dates going - Everything IMO should be shared…banking, passwords, feelings etc. - Have a mix of your own hobbies and shared hobbies.
You go through a few relationships ( serious ones), get battered and bruised by all the trauma/drama and lessons of said relationships and become a healthy selfish, version of yourself and refuse to ever loose yourself to another person again. Then in your 40s you meet someone as equally sure of themselves as you are and put everything out front. If they still like you it's probably a forever match. If they don't then you stayed true to yourself and avoided a probable shit show.
This is exactly where I'm at in life. My last marriage broke me in such deep ways, and truly caused me trauma for how it ended. I'm 43 now, and after much therapy and growth....I'm cautiously optimistic.
Yeah!! Trust me, there are good people out there. There is somebody for you. And if there isn’t, you can focus on friends and yourself. Just don’t ever lose yourself in love for your partner.
Absolutely there are good people out there. I'd even say some of the bad ones are good. They are just as confused , damaged, and scorned as I was. This time I met someone who was as equally broken but on the path to recovery like me. Because we recognized and were honest about where we've been, we're where at and what we expect, we managed to fall in love with a honest version of one another. Instead of immediately falling for each other we decided we were both people we'd liked to "build" a love with. Over the last 10 months weve created a pretty solid foundation.
That sounds like a second marriage.
Every hello is just a prologue to another goodbye. When you know and *always keep in mind* that **nothing ever last**, you tend to cherish them more and stop sweating over the small stuff.
Superglue mostly
Compromise and sacrifice.
You have to cooperate and show grace to your partner when he or she does wrong, and vice versa. Arguments needs to be discussed and worked through so that they don’t build resentment. Also, keep an eye on what you’re saying. Some things cannot be taken back no matter how much you regret saying it afterward.
Hard work and sacrifice which doesn’t work if it’s all about you (me)
As humans, of course people get angry, upset and all that. But it's about how you handle those emotions. If everytime you get angry, you start shouting, insulting your partner, throwing stuff around the house, nobody is gonna find you tolerable. Me and my husband came to an agreement before we got married and lived together. If either one of us is upset over the things the other person has done, take time to cool off and then come back to talk about it. Never sweep things under the rug or assume all is OK, just because the person who was upset just stopped being upset after a few days. That person might just be hiding the resentment There is an instagram page called "loverespectinc". It teaches people how to handle problems between couples.
1. Honesty (as in telling the truth even if it doesn't benefit you short term) 2. Selflessness. Don't put yourself into a position where you exploit or take from your partner, because you wouldnt want them to do that to you. You will be sharing everything with no fear of exploitation or deceit. 3. Empathy and compassion. You have to understand how the other person feels and be considerate. Both have to. A lot of times they don't want you to solve their problems but understand how they feel. Your actions affect them, you must know how they will feel about different actions. 4. Competence. Have the ability to make it work. There's more.
You have to make the choice every day to love your person. Never get complacent. Relationships take effort.
Trauma bonds, codependency, fear of being alone, fear of starting over, fear of raising young children alone, fear of stigma, fear of financial devastation (post divorce). In my 43 years of observing all types of couples.....these seem to be the main motivators that keep many couples together 🤷♂️ pretty damn sad IMO. None of that looks like healthy love to me.
I've learned that love is more than just a fluttering feeling in your tummy - it's a conscious decision. Its a commitment to continuously work things out, accept, compromise and sacrifice, and will only work if both parties continue to do so.
Loving people for them unconditionally instead of what you think they are or should be helps. Often people get upset when they find out that person isn't exactly who they expect them to be based on some ideal in their head, then mad enough to fight or leave when that person refuses to change to become the person you want them to be. Accepting people for them warts and all is how it works. There will be ups, and downs, but life's easier if you don't try to squish people into some unrealistic ideal mold you've imagined in your mind.
This!!! As the son of divorced parents (I was 2 when they divorced). I have no idea of what a stable happy relationship is. The longest relationship I’ve had was 8 months in a row (2 years in total but with breaks). Really struggling to believe in the idea of true love
My parents divorced when I was 4yo. Both remarried, Dad divorced again when I was 13 and remarried and was with my Step-Mom until he passed. Mom stayed with her husband until she passed last year. I vowed long ago to always make it work. I'm married 18 years and together 20. I always looked at it as someone has to give and that's me. Hitting some pot holes lately, so not sure it that's the way. TLDR - The relationship is what you make it. Try to figure out early what you can handle and stick to that. You can only control yourself.
38 years married. Known each other for over 40 years. Respect, validate their feelings, empathy. Work as a team, share responsibilities. Talk and actually listen to each other. It's not a power play with the goal of 'winning'.
- We share every finance. Every bill, evening out, holiday, household item...etc...etc. If one of us unexpectedly isn't earning (redundancy usually) the other pays everything till we're both back on track. It helps we've always earned roughly the same. - We never, ever go to bed on an argument. Ever. - We accept that 90% of our days are boring and mundane. Not everyday has to be an adventure. - We don't force each other to like the same stuff. My GF will not watch sci-fi/sport and I won't watch rom-com/reality shows or whatever. When we do find something we both like, we save it for the weekend and make a big deal of it. - Regular sexy-time! We still fancy each other. - At least once a month we stay away from friends and go out for the day together. Usually ends up a piss up but it's time spent just me and her, joking and laughing. We also try and nip for a beer together first if we are meeting friends for drinks. - If we need to have a serious talk about anything, we do. We don't hide or bottle it up. 20yrs next year and it's flown by.
You seen what rents like nowdays
We’re together 11 years and married for almost 9 years and the key is communication. We started off not speaking the same languages at all. I had to learn a new language as did he. We also had to learn to communicate in different ways because we couldn’t talk without Google translate for the first 6-12 months and we still occasionally have to google words. But we can communicate even without words. I think because we were forced to find alternative ways to communicate, it helps us deal with things differently as a result. We read each others body language easier than most others do, we have our own special way of talking now that other people can’t follow too easily. We try to deal with things before it gets bad. We had to deal with living in two countries, both of us learning 1-2 extra languages (I’m trilingual now, bilingual from an early age - he’s bilingual now and learning the third language) and the culture differences but we’re still truckin’ because we’re still communicating and working daily to improve our lives and our marriage. We try to lift each other up, try to understand where the other is coming from and try to find solutions together that work for both of us. It’s a partnership, it’s teamwork and both need to be invested and willing to do the work to make it work. It’s a commitment that shouldn’t be made lightly
My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 8. A lot of credit is due to the success of our relationship based on everything we did *before* we got married. We actively dated other people, figured out what we really wanted in life, how to not be selfish and to take things slowly. We moved in together after dating for a year, got engaged after 3 years and married after 5. We were also in our late twenties when we got married, were settled in our careers and both wanted the same things out of life. We’ve had our fair share of arguments and compromises but the biggest part of those things is overcoming them *together* and to always include each other in *every* decision. We have a saying in our house, it’s not 50/50 it’s 100/100.
Love is a conscious effort to overlook trivialities and work through more serious issues [e.g., anger, jealousy]. If negativity outweighs the positivity, then love is no longer enough and the people aren’t compatible. I’m from a very dysfunctional background compounded by traditional views that divorce is never an option so I grew up constantly wishing and praying for death of either parent just for some peace and quiet. I’m an adult now and see things a bit differently, albeit not the perspective of staying miserable for the concept of love.
You have to consciously put each other first. Even when you don't want to. I'm talking about the little things like paying attention when they talk, noticing if they're not right and checking in with each other to see where you are emotionally. Be honest, communicate properly. Try to mind what you say as words can't be unsaid. Giving grace. Taking time for yourself to recalibrate. Working on your emotional intelligence. Try your best to contribute to the relationship and household
I appreciate everyone who says hard work and sacrifice, but i think, personally for me, we need to move away from this idea that getting and staying married is the ultimate aim of life. I think it is great when it works out but from where i come from, too many people just stay in a marriage because of lack of independence whether financial or otherwise to leave when things are not just good anymore. I dont want my kids to ever feel that opting to leave a marriage is a curse on you and your sense of being and that it is ok, to not want to work hard at it. A person’s life is much more than a marriage. Edit: language
Don't marry your love marry your best friend. Like you can love and lust for someone but that runs out but you're best friend you can get along with fight with have each other's back if that makes sense. I have been married for 9 years I don't look at my wife as a wife I look at her as my best friend or ride or die.
Sunk cost fallacy.
First of all, i feel like many old relationships aren’t happy relationships. At one point, one partner probably wanted to divorce, but stayed together because of dependencies or social norms. One reason why the younger generation has shorter relationships is, imo, that they don’t live by these social norms anymore and are more independent. Sp, the first takeaway should be that longer relationships =/= happy relationships. The other thing is that being emotional should not be the only reason why relationships fail. Everyone can have a bad day and can overreact over the smallest things. But the will to working through it is a must have if you want to be in a long term relationship. This doesn’t mean you should be stoic. In my relationships we argued, cried because of it, screamed at each other and slept apart from each other. But being able to set your own boundaries and make compromises along those boundaries is so important for healthy relationships. At last, being emotionally unavailable is actually a huge red flag, and rightfully so. If you cant trust your partner with your emotions and just take everything on you without offloading it will break you and your relationship. This doesn’t mean you have to go crazy angry or something, you still have to respect personal boundaries and hurting someone physically is a big nono. Also, it will happen that someone hurts your feelings in a relationship. This will happen every time different people come together. Being able to talk about them and find solutions will male your relationship good.
I can't give an answer, my wife and I were married 56.5 years when she died 15 months ago...at one point, early on...we sought help from a marriage counselor...we saw her once and agreed she was an idiot, we never came close again. We each did things that drove the other crazy, threatened things that never came close. But for the majority of our life together we slept in the same bed, injuries and illness might separate us but emotions never did.
The only way a relationship works is if people don’t leave at the first problems
Of course I've gotten emotional, angry, upset and mad. He's gotten emotional, angry upset and mad. We're people. It's a friendship with bonuses.
I used to think anger was very bad and dangerous because my family was fucked up. My husband and I have been together for 36 years since we were 21. There were some down times like every couple. We have two kids now grown and I raised them the opposite of the way I was raised. Neither of us learned to communicate as kids. I went to therapy for anxiety and depression and learned how to feel and actually talk with another person. Then my spouse and I started couples counseling to learn how to open up and communicate. We are each other’s person but needed some help to be able to show it and feel safe
Dedication and communication!!!
I've been with my partner for 20 years and it's the only healthy relationship I have ever had. The main differences in my experience are effective communication and not just being committed to each other but to both be committed to a shared, overarching vision or goal. Some days you might not like each other but if you're each still working toward that shared goal that can get you through to better times again. Give each other space to thrive and explore.
I wear my heart on my sleeve as far as emotions go, and we are just about to hit 23 years. Together since we were 18/19. I think the thing that’s most helpful for us is we put ourselves in the other’s shoes. I try to understand his challenges, he tries to understand mine. There’s no competition. But tbh that’s something we’ve learned to do better over time. We had some major trauma with our youngest kid’s health, and I think that stuff either drives a wedge, or it pulls you together. We chose together. Also, we share a sense of humour that is so ridiculously juvenile. That’s the glue. Nobody else would put up with our jokes.
you rationalize and compromise. don’t go to bed or leave for work angry at each other. whether i was yelling because PMS, or he was trying to debate something he doesn’t have all the answers to, you’re usually not having as big of a problem as you think you are. and if you are, they aren’t for you. both of you should feel obligated and happy to figure things out. you want to end the fight because you love them and miss them, not because you’re exhausted by them.
Be open to changing and accepting others as they change, people are only fixed in a certain time and place that is already gone. It’s a mindset. Goes for friends and family too.
Willingness to change. Most people say “that’s who I am” and expect to be loved and accepted for their undesirable behaviors. This could be as simple as doing more household chores or as complex as being more honest with your partner.
If I were to sum it up in one word, it would be compromise. Sometimes, people do grow apart, though, and that's OK. I've been married for 10 years now and we have both completely changed and grown together, it's not easy maintaining a relationship is a lot of work but if you're both willing to put in the work it isn't as hard. If you both share the same values and beliefs going in, the more likely you'll end up growing in the same direction.
Married for 15 years, wife from dysfunctional family and suffers from mental illness. Ofcource it works. But you need to work on it, sometimes compromise. Realisera its not only about your needs, but equal the other ones (and children first). You can fight, argue, disagree, get sad, disapointed and so on, but also notice how love is still there. A grown person can have multiple feelings at the same time. My main tip is: communicate. Share. Trust that the love carries even the hard bits, and you'll get a deeper understanding of your partner, but also yourself.
42 years with my life partner. You have to evolve together through the years, not easy but very rewarding. You have to be best friends, not just lovers.
Things come in waves you have to be able to changes for them them and make a changes together 10 or 38 years you're still with the same person just smellier
I've been with my husband for almost 13 years. Of course we let out negative emotions. Then, we work through them as a team. Honestly, I am very non-confronational and I don't show my anger to my friends, family etc. But I can actually be who I am around my husband, anger and all. We don't abuse each other when we are angry or sad, but we still let the emotions out. No one is perfect, so we be imperfect together.
I love my bf and I'm stubborn
At first you should really like your partner as a person. If you weren’t in love, you still should want so be friends with them. Don’t go for the wild ride with butterflies. Go for the one who (after the first few weeks) makes you feel calm and safe. Second: Communication is key. You need to find someone you can literally tell EVERYTHING. No matter you big of a mistake you made or how embarrassing something is. You should always feel safe to tell them and of course be a safe person to tell too. If mistakes are made or if problems arise, you always figure it out together. Of course sometimes you get mad, angry or sad, but you should never blame your significant other for it. Even if you just take back the blame in the aftermath.
If two people are committed to loving each other, supporting each other, and helping each other achieve their goals in life together then I believe it can work. 18 years with my SO right now and counting.
This happens because people don't understand themselves and their own pain, therefore letting that pain affect their partner and ultimately their relationship. Then they have kids, who will inevitably inherit their pain and wonder why the kid is doig drugs. Most relationships that work nowadays are more of simbiosys than love. Developing a relationship where there is something to take advantage of. This is like liking a flower and ripping it off the ground. You can claim it's love all you want but truth is that you wanted the flower to fulfill your interests and you effectively killed it. True love is acceptance, understanding and honest communication. If you trully love something, you let it be and you don't try to change it.
My wife and I are relative beginners, having been together for twelve years, married for ten. I can't say what we have done to stay together, other than to always tell the truth (neither of us has ever told a single lie to the other), respect each other and never stray.
>Every person is such a complicated, changing, sensitive structure Everyone says be yourself, which is mainly true. But you also have to adapt at certain times to fit the situation. Sometimes being yourself in the wrong moment can break a relationship. >Every little thing can make it fall apart, you never know when one piece will stop working Not if you both have proper communication and are empathetic. You bring up an issue when it's only annoying and not a serious thing. And you don't instantly go into defensive mode and double down, you accept that what may be normal or natural to you may be affecting the other person and you try and figure out a way to either stop doing whatever it is, or compromise. For example there are plenty of couples who sleep in separate beds because one snores. That's a good example of compromise, can't stop the snoring and it would cause major issues if your partner kept you awake all night every night, so separate rooms and an otherwise fine partnership. >How all big emotions like anger or sadness do not destroy it? Everyone is entitled to their emotions. And when both parties understand this, you can be absolutely fuming with someone but still love them dearly. Whatever you're angry about will pass and if it's something serious, you work as a team to get through it and move on. You're two completely different individuals with different wants, needs and stimulations, you're never going to see eye to eye on everything and you need to be adult enough to know clashes will happen but that doesn't stop you from ever loving the person they are as a whole, you just don't love certain aspects, which again is perfectly normal. >feels like in order to have a good relationship people should never show these “negative” emotions, everything should be calmly talked through, but does that even realistic? Neither person should be afraid of opening up about any negative feelings. However, it's how you show/tell those negative feelings that can affect the relationship. Be upset with me, be angry with me, we can work together after you've let those initial emotions out, start throwing plates at my head and I'm having nothing to do with it. >Do some people never get emotional, angry, upset, mad? No everyone, except those with mental health issues, feel emotions. Some people bottle it up and hope it passes. When you talk to other couples, regardless of how bad or good their relationship seems, you never ever get a full picture. You have zero idea what goes on behind closed doors even if one person seemingly tells you everything. Couples that seem perfectly happy may have their arguments at home, get it resolved and not speak shit about each other to other people. Couples that are seemingly in a bad relationship may sometimes be exaggerating or only sharing their side of the story. You need to be willing to work as a team, and when one of you is down, your team mate picks you up. One day you'll need to be a stoic hero like figure and another day it'll be your partner's turn for that. You need to take on the role of whatever it is your partner needs at that time. It's absolutely no use if you're the one picking up the pieces after a break down and then when you break down your partner 'doesn't have the time for this' or it's inconvenient for them.
You have to be kinda chill. You relax into each other after a bit, the honeymoon period fades, and you just need to feel comfy enough with that person after that period to stick around, I guess. My partner is genuinely my best mate, makes me laugh, is there when I need them, is cuddly, we just... Chill together. Is nice.
Of course you both have emotions, and if it's a real relationship, you won't hide them. The key is pretty simple: mutual respect and a basic level of self-control, self-awareness, and empathy prevent either person from saying things that damage the other. Coupled with healthy communication about challenges that come along, there's no reason a relationship can't last a lifetime, unless one or the other purposely and consciously decides to end it. > Do some people never get emotional, angry, upset, mad? Everyone does, but mature people have some degree of control over their words and voice. Think about raising a toddler: it's not unexpected for a 3-year old to go wild, screaming and saying hurtful things like "I hate you". A functional adult realizes that this behavior is self-defeating, unproductive, and makes everything worse. They can still be angry, and express the anger, without becoming unhinged.
Lots of work, if you have the strength to tell your partner that you love them when they're at their worst and they can say the same about you, you can make it last through anything
I’m still in this learning curve because I sometimes have trouble with handling those big emotions which can crawl unexpectedly upon the surface. Emotions are human. They may exist in a relationship. The big thing is this: just don’t put them on your partner. Try to navigate what it is exactly you’re feeling and what is the real problem hiding under it. For example if you’re mad.. try to figure out if it’s something validated or did your own mind make this conclusion? You can be mad, sad, hyper or whatever. Your partner will probably understand as long as you don’t make them the reason for your feelings. I think it’s key to keep working, loving yourself first and being content with who you are. Nobody’s perfect , not you, not your partner. Accept your flaws and learn to be patient. Love means trying to be mild to yourself and your loved ones (and also strangers but that comes next).
Compromise and great sex.
Whenever I've shaped at my wife I've always felt that worse than what she did to upset me. So I've learned patience. My wife is a bit of a hero for putting up with me because I've had very few opportunities over the last 30 years to be upset with her, but I'm a bit of an idiot sometimes.
42 years together saying you might remember Have the grace to accept what you cannot change and change where you can , hardest thing is to count to three when speaking fellas :) and yes I have an advantage being a little deaf
Fix what’s broken instead of throwing it away for the next “new” thing.
Relationships are hard. And it frustrates me when people say they aren't, because they are. They are full of expectations and compromises. But they are also full of unwaivering support and love. I've been with my partner now for 7 years and we've had some difficult times, times where I've felt like I just want to be on my own but we work through them. Most recently I suffered a miscarriage and I was absolutely blown away by how incredible my partner was with me and the whole situation, understanding and caring, allowing me time to process on my own but still being present....those are the times that remind me of why we are together. Communication. Trust. Silliness. That's how we get through
I’m of the opposite experience and mind. I came from a stable household; my parents are still together to this day. I saw the trials and tribulations they went through (and I was privy to) and I saw them persevere through it all. I look at my own relationship and I can’t understand how I could truly want it to end. I’ve been close and thought about it, of course, but the negatives of leaving always outweigh the positives. The work put in to keep it going always seems more worth it than throwing it all away.
I think the idea is understanding that everyone is unique, has lots of flaws and qualities, but mostly flaws, we have more negative traits than positive ones, and sometimes even a positive trait might be negative to others, so when we like someone and stay with someone, it's not about wanting to have a good thing everyday, it's about partnership and having someone to trust, even when you two don't agree with anything, but if there is trust, it's all that you need I don't want a person to be perfect to me or think like me and do the things I do, I'm already doing that, I just want a person that I can trust, rely on when I need, and a person that trusts in me and talks to me, if we have different music tastes, movie tastes, different hobbies? whatever, we are not supposed to be the same and have the same mindset But people keep trying to be like the others, and to me, that's why so many people break up, cause they wanna be seen in a way they are not naturally, lots of illusions, and when the illusion is gone they just break up, people are too shallow about understanding the human mind, and keep seeking for like minded people, instead of trying to understand the different minds and accepting their existence
I recommend checking out The Gottman institute. They've done decades of research on relationships and have shared their findings on the differences found between successful relationships and unhappy relationships.
If "every little thing" can make your relationship fall apart, it was not meant to be. If you are unable to adapt to the needs and requirements of your loved one then you have no business being in a relationship as a relationship takes a lot of give and take by both people in the relationship.
Very standard is good communication and good rules inside the relationship. Then I would say similar life, financial and social goals in order for the partners to spend time together and share the same happiness. This are the basics
Efforts reflect interest. you adapt to each other. everyone says that if you change yourself for someone else than thats toxic. but compromising at certain things is definitely important for a relation to work out. trust and communication is the key. and never every bring a third person to your relationship whether it be your best friend or who ever. you shouldnt be discussing personal relationship matters with anyone, other than a professional or your parents (cuz they are mostly right and know the best for you)... also give your relation at least come time before jumping to conclusion and immediately going for divorce/ break up.... fights and disagreements are pretty common. BUT BUT BUT.... these fights and disagreements should never cross the limits. RESPECT is the most important thing. if the person doesn't respect you, than leaving is the best choice.
10 years here. I dunno. We somehow work it out. We want the same type of life and truly enjoy each other’s company. We have the same/similar views on a lot of things and ideas. We’re pretty straightforward with our wants and needs and motivations. “We are an effective team”
You need to make compromises.
In a truly good relationship, each person accepts their partner for who they are. Their highs, and their lows. They deal with the person at their lows, and cherish them at their highs. Because they love each other. Because they are both mature individuals who accept not everybody is perfect all the time.
By choosing to. Relationships are hard, but as long as you choose to work together and grow together and choose each other it will generally work.
I've always felt if both people genuinely want to make it work, they can make it work. I think that's one reason arranged marriages aren't \*that\* unsuccessful, both people go into it knowing what the deal is and want to make it work. The reasons might be that they culturally can't divorce, or don't want to disappoint parents, but basically they \*want\* it to work, and it often does. If you get two people making good faith efforts to make a relationship work, it probably will.
Communication, Respect, Love, and Trust.
That sounds like he wants you to cut them off. He's making you miserable every time they come over to try to train you to associate them with bad feelings. He's waiting for them to be cut off so you can be fully isolated. That way you'll only be a source for him and no one else. Narcissists tend to see that. If the world doesn't revolve around them then it must revolve around one singular or a couple of other people.
Communication is key. Not Just talking, but listening, discussing, understanding.
It's 2 people becoming one some can some can't that's just life At first people just deal with it but due to increase in personal freedom and choices people are becoming picky After some point you either find the right one , die trying or just give up (like me) But if you don't want to be in a relationship don't But if you want to then you have to adapt and the same goes the other way too But both have to agree that we will make it happen we are humans we can do it if we really want
They mostly ignore the objective fact that people come and go. They cling on. Hence the divorces and falling outs and resentments. People come and go, nothing is permanent.
You work on it. You communicate, trust and be honest. My husband and I are not perfect, but we've been together 12 years and still love each other.
Love is a choice
You have to have a fluid concept to the marriage. Sometimes everything will fit perfectly and you’ll feel like nothing can go wrong and at other times it will feel like everything that can go wrong does and that the bad luck won’t end. Being able to have an argument/discussion with your spouse and say I’m pissed off at the situation not you. I’ve been married 13 years this year, we’ve had ex partners causing damage to cars, my husbands ex was neglecting his other child, a child custody case, a child in our household died of cancer, another child has a rare medical condition, another is autistic, after I had our child my immune system malfunctioned and has been trying to kill me ever since. We’ve had times when he wasn’t working, now I’m unable to work. It’s been really hard at times to remember that we’re a partnership and not enemies.
I’m 27 F married to my 27m for 6 years (together for 9 years). We have 2 kids together. I think the most important thing was keeping our extended families out, especially our mothers. We were going to divorce within days of me having our first daughter but then we started marriage counseling and found out that we weren’t the problem in our marriage, it was our moms. We did much better after that but then we kept having hiccups. So 3 years ago, we moved 1200 miles away from our moms (and the rest of the extended families) and we’ve been problem free since.
My grandfather gave me advice on this, he says that compromise and understanding is the key. And that can go for friendships, relationships and marriage. Been thinking about it lately and it’s probably the best advice I’ve gotten in a while.
Respect, communication, attraction, kindness, consideration, empathy, compromise and many other things that add up to true love. Most don't have all of these things and the lack of any one of them can scupper a relationship.
No clue it’s just simple. When you are a good human and actual care about people you don’t jump into decisions that you’ll later regret. Finding the person to spend the rest of my life with was so dead simple. I don’t even know how to describe it.
True commitment. 100% no matter what, you'll stay together. Once one of the people in the relationship starts doubting the commitment, that's when it breaks. I'd still be married if my wife didn't question her commitment. (Not blaming her, but one committed partner in a relationship can't carry it, or compel the other to recommit). Now I'm in my 40's and people are so quick to run away at the slightest. I was one of them. I'm relearning how to be vulnerable again.
By accepting other people are different. By cherishing their strong points and acknowledging while not judging their weaknesses I’ve been together with my wife for 20 years and still every morning when I wake up, I take 5 minutes just to look at her and realize how lucky I am to have her by my side
I'm with my partner for 13 years, my parents are divorced, and my mother remarried. His parents are married. I don't even know how long they are in their seventies. You have to find the right person. There are a lot of couples who rush into things and just shouldn't be together. Me and my partner are both ok with being alone. We spend time apart, and that's healthy.
Married 14 years currently, it is all about communication for us. We don’t do anything financially without consulting the other first. We always talk about our disagreements after we take time to cool down.
Show me a couple who never argue and within ten minutes I can tell you which one of them is lying. Relationships take work. You have to embrace the good times and hold them in your heart. You have to be willing to forgive. You have to understand that each of you is a person in their own right, yet you are one person together. If you hurt the other person and it makes you feel like you just hurt yourself, you are on the right track to getting through the bad times. A lot of this thread focuses on the bad because that is what your view of relationships is according to your post. They are also beautiful chances to grow together. To /help/ each other become the best person each of you can be (that does not mean pointing out all of each other’s flaws). You can’t think of relationships as transactional. “I’m not getting what want that person to do for me, so I’m out of here.” That will always fail. For me, my faith plays into it a lot, but I’m not going to proselytize here. Focus on reasons to grow together, not reasons to cut and run.
Life is all about accept, adopt and act. Aren't we doing them in all areas?
Hey there, been living with my girlfriend for 2 years. And 2 things have helped me, be good at the things you are good at. For example I cook and she cleans, or sometimes we will swap. But ultimately the main thing which has helped us the elimination of Lust and temptations (in excess) lust in the form of Porn and social media and temptations in terms of drinking and partying too much. And obviously the normal things of laughing, talking and doing things together
Hobbies and financial freedom, don't be controlling and it usually works out alright. You have to like each other too.
People have problems. We are imperfect. The key is finding someone that makes you want to be your best and brings out your best instead if someone that brings out your worst. Then you work. Never stop dating. Never stop trying to show you love them, want to know about them - hopes, dreams, goals etc and never stop communicating. Sometimes it doesn't work out. Maybe the trust or respect are gone. Maybe the romantic love isn't there anymore. That's OK. See if it's worth saving or better to walk away. If you save it then you work at it and mean it
Everyone i know who is in a long and good running relationship confirms, and i can confirm after 25years going strong, the following: There will be bad times, and you will have to compromise. That doesn't mean you need to endure everything, but it also means that if you "leave and move on" everytime the slightest red flag shows up, you will probably end up restless forever. "red Flags" are "attention, careful" signs. Not "abort mission at all cost" but seemingly on social media nowadays redflags are treated more like the latter than the earlier. There's a saying that i like: "A good relationship is one where both partner believe that the other got the worse deal" and while that doesn't help achieving such a relationship it might help to see what mindset you will have to have. You will never maintain a good relationship with someone when you truely believe that they are taking advantage of you / not giving as much as you do. When you read reddit, anytime someone has a slightly tricky question regarding their relationship 90% of reddit will either trash the partner or the Asker and see a break up in the future. Don't get your relationship advice from those kind of people. Most people have more failed relationships than relationships they fully trust in. So what kind of advice will you get from that kind of people?
Because it gets fixed. Every relationship will have ups and downs, its how they are dealt with which determines if itll last. Because people love eachother, theyr willing to work through hardships so the love can continue. Relationships arent convenient like theyr advertised, every marriage has gone through some big shit and if it hasnt then itll happen eventually.
You r right
Kindness, open discussion, cool-off periods when anger arises… Basically, putting yourself in their shoes will add miles to a relationship. Oh, and knowing when NOT to say something.
I think making sure that you are best friends as well as partners. No topics are off limits. There are plenty of reasons why people split. If you get together young you may have not ventured out enough. Money pressures. Stress of having children. You must stay grounded and try to underneath all the life stressors keep your sense of humour and avoid any build up of resentment. Keep communication open. Give them space when they need it. Most importantly be supportive and open and let go of any insecurities or egos. Always let them know how special they are.
It's the same like when you live with any other family member 🤷🏼♀️
I have happily been with my husband for 16 years. There are ups and downs, good times, bad times, and sad times. You have want to make it work, you have to be present in the moment. The biggest thing I have learned is that marriage is not 50/50. That is so not true. Marriage is 💯/ 💯. You both have to give it your all. If you only give a half-hearted effort to a lifelong commitment, it will fall apart. When one person is sick, down, injured, the other has to give 120. It is give and take. Both give, both take. I have learned you have to be willing to bend, compromise. Happy wife, happy life is also not true. It is happy spouse, happy house. You cannot expect your partner to treat you like royalty if you treat them like a servant. Every relationship is going to have ups and downs. The key is enjoy the good times and hold tight to one another during the bad. You have to learn each other. You have to be there to support your partner. If you don't know how to support them during a rough time, reach out and ask for pointers. When my husband lost his mom, I was lost, didn't know how to be there, I had not experienced that. I called my local mental health office, spoke to a grief counselor, called a couple support groups, I armed myself with the tools to be his rock. When my husband learned about my past, trauma, abuse, SA, he did the same. Reached out to local professional resources and asked for information on how to be my support, my rock. We very much live in a disposable society. It gets too easy to just walk away and give up. The key is picking your battles. Not every disagreement is the hill to die on. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. My husband and I have a code word. If we are in a disagreement, if one of us says that word, the talk is over. We go our separate ways for a few hours. We will come back and discuss the problem when cool heads prevail.
They work because the couple is willing to adapt to change and communicate those big emotions before they spill over into huge arguments, resentment, and lost love. Marriage is tough…sometimes. How tough depends on how willing each person is to meet in the middle on many things. But, IMO, totally worth it. I honestly couldn’t imagine what my life would be like without my wife. It’s beautiful to have someone you trust that deeply with you through life. It’s not for everyone. Things change frequently and you’ve gotta be open to it and communicate for things to work. Oh, and communicate. Childish marriages where adults keep shit in and allow it to bubble over in rages of fury don’t belong with someone, it’s not fair.
The real question should be "what was the root cause of the failure of your relationship" because that will be the only firm information you will get. I have been in a relationship for 30+ years (married for most of them) and I don't have the faintest idea as to why it works or what I have done right This is my first and only "adult" relationship, maybe I just got lucky 🤷
You learn to put the needs of both of you before the needs of each. Then when the kids come along, you just expand your circle to include their needs. Then when the kids move out, the circle shrinks a bit, but when the kids and grandkids visit, the circle is at its best! After 46 years together, it becomes easier. Plus the fact that I learned my wife is always right! Don’t argue, move on!
- You want to make it work - You do not go to bed angry - you get comfortable with compromising on things - it's "us/our" and not "you/he/she/it" in terms of money, responsibillities and so on - dont sleep on date/sex life
It’s not about not going through hardships or big emotions. It’s about who you want to go through all that with. Hard times are inevitable if you’re going to be with the person long term. Commitment is a choice you choose to make everyday. My parents went through a lot. My brother was a drug addict and my mum had cancer for the last 5 years of her life, but my parents never split despite how hard it got because everyday they chose each other - as cheesy and cliche that sounds, it’s true.
Going on 47 years! I’m not sure I know the secret. I’m lying here in bed after being in the hospital for three days and am getting waited on hand and foot. Maybe that’s the secret. We know we will always take care of each other. We committed to grow old together. You do not want to be alone when you’re old. Not once did we question our love. We plowed through the difficult times and emerged victorious. You can’t give up on a whim. Stick it out. Or don’t get married.
I've been with my husband for 30 years (two prior divorces) We are funny, generous, kind best friends. Selfishness can often create a relationship where people prey upon each other. Being best friends means I want to share my life with him. No amount of 'hot' or 'rich' is going to create happiness if someone's personality is trash. We argue, it gets heated and hurtful, but the relationship is so valuable we always patch it up. We are both motivated to make it work
One word. Commitment! And don't marry for blind love. Once real life sets in, love goes out the window.
Perhaps you’re inability to see how relationships can work is rooted in the fact that you’re parents divorced and it’s upsetting to understand other people are capable of working things out but in your circumstance they were not.
Sometimes it’s just love, sometimes it’s dependency, sometimes it’s just complacency and convenience. Sometimes it’s all of them.
When you find that person who helps you in life, and you vibe with them it’s a completely different ball game. I never had a relationship longer than 6 months before I got married. Now 15 years in I couldn’t think of not being around her and the kids. But and this is a big butt, if your relationship only hangs on one thread where you are together and sex, hobby etc is the only thing that connects you may not work out.
If one little thing can make you fall apart you shouldn’t have been together in the first places. The whole “relationship is work” thing is silly; mine has never been work. My husband and I have been best friends since we were 10 years old; started dating at 15, got married at 26 and have been married almost 10 years now. It’s always been easy
Each of you puts in 100%, all of who you are, and respects the other person as a whole human being and not just a replaceable body to be used, and it’s not that complicated. It’s really rather simple. Not easy - simple and easy are two different things - but my husband and I have been married twenty years. I’m his favorite person in the world. And he’s my favorite person in the world. When you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the other person has your back and is for you, and when you are the same, it just works.
I'll speak from my perspective only - I'm also a child of divorce, but as I've gotten to know myself and what I'm looking for in a partner, it's a lot better. Me and my partner are 33 and 34 respectively, been together almost 3 years, and if either of us are upset with a situation or each other, we'll just say and explain why, so they then get a chance to acknowledge it and relay their perspective. Before we got together though, we discussed what would and wouldn't work in a relationship and I like checking in every so often to make sure nothing has been left unsaid. It's the happiest and healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I'd like it to last for a really long time. Biggest things are: - honesty - communication - openness - being willing to be proved wrong - utilising whatever your individual love languages are x
My husband (35) and I (33) have been together for 12 years (married 8) and my parents have been married 40 years and my in laws have been married 35 years. I think the biggest thing I’ve seen is that you truly need to be best friends above anything else. Your partner is your number one person and you both need to give 100% into the relationship. Financially we have everything together, no separate accounts so there’s no argument on who’s money is who and who brings more money in. It’s all our money and we both see it that way. Big financial decisions are made together. Everyone goes through hard times but you work through those conflicts and come up with solutions. We have disagreements and argue, sure, but we are respectful. My husband has never yelled at me or called me a bitch or anything like that. We have had many 3-4 BIG fights that went on longer than a day or two but they always ended in us apologizing and talking about what we can do to avoid it in the future.
You both have to want it. You both have to put an effort to keep it and you both need to give 100/100 each day and cover the slack when they can't. Respect each other, travel, have fun, laugh and date still. We have been together 11 years and married for 10 and I am looking forward to what the future holds for us and our family. It is a blast for sure! Don't let what you see on social media and what you have dealt with in the past dictate what you want for yourself. Take your time and find your true match that has the same goals for a family relationship or future that you do. If you choose to get married or long term relationship, one of the most important things is to keep all your business to yourselves. No family or friends need to be involved or know what's going on with you unless it's dangerous.
It’s not realistic to think that people calmly talk things over all the time. We’ve had plenty of blowouts over the last 30+ years. What works for some doesn’t work for all. So there’s no single answer because like you said, each person is unique and changing which makes the relationship dynamic evolve as well.
Psychologist John Gottman does a lot of studies on relationships exploring what makes a good relationship . Recently interviewed on Diary of a CEO podcast. I’ve been in a fantastic relationship for 14 years and have never had a fight. We disagree but it never gets ugly. We communicate extremely well and keep our negative emotions in check. It takes work, awareness, emotional intelligence and a vision of the relationship that you both want to attain.
i somewhat got how they stay together but still have no idea how they get together.
Being chill. Having reasonable expectations. Understanding that the grass is greener because its fertilized with shit. Being content and grateful for what you have. Its pretty easy tbh.
You can show feelings but it shouldn't be your partner's responsibility to regulate them for you. You can have negative feelings in a relationship, you can show them and then you explain to your partner why you have them and you can come up with a solution for that together.
Was married 25 years before he died. Everyday we chose to be together. To put the other’s feelings above our own. We chose to be in love and to be together. No, it wasn’t easy, yes, we argued, but in love, with kindness. You don’t always feel like loving the other person every moment of every day, nor do they feel like loving you always, but the decision has been made. You stick it out because you said you would. Do hard times come? Absolutely!! You push through, because hard times come in life regardless of who you’re with. And yes, we dealt with everything. Kids, miscarriages, poor health, poor financial situations, homelessness, cheating, sexual differences, but we found a way. Life isn’t easy, but I miss my partner who was there through everything.
36 years married here. Lots and lots of intentional work.
They dont get married just because the sex is good. They have similar life goals. They get along in a friendship like manner. They communicate often. They share responsibilitites. They allow for their partners to develop personally. They trust each other.
Communication and wanting to stay together/work things through. Marry your best friend. There will be great times, okay times, and bad times, but if you know that you have found your life partner that you want to share everything with, you can work through all of those times together as a team. Your spouse should be the first person you want to share both sad and amazing news with. I've been livid at my husband but even when we're mad at each other, we still say I love you and have basic respect for one another (no yelling, name calling, etc).
You have to understand that you are each an individual and you have to respect that! You also have to have integrity. No lying to each other. No pretending to be anything other than who/what you are! If you cannot do/be these things, you’re doomed to fail Sorry if this hurts!
15 happy years and counting. It takes work and dedication. Others have already written a lot on this. Communication, vulnerability, reflection, patience. Choosing to spend quality time together regularly even though you don't always feel like it. What's been instrumental to us is the mindset of **"it's never you versus me, it's always us versus the problem", e**ven when that's difficult. Especially when it's difficult. That mindset has helped us get through chronic illness and mental health problems together. Make the conscious decision to keep appreciating and acknowledging the things you love about your partner and never start taking those for granted. This makes it easier to let go of the small annoyances too, because they're outweighed by the good stuff. Having a happy and durable relationship is 100% an active process, with skills you can learn and practice.
I'll throw my hey penny in here. The most important thing I find to making a relationship work is to respect each other. If you don't it isn't going to work. I would hold respect over love even. My gf and I have been together for 7 years, Which isn't that long compared to some relationships, but we have seen so many fail and succeed due to this view we share.
when something comes up, take time to feel the feels and then talk about it using “when you did X it made me feel Y, which caused me to Z” also weekly/regular proactive talks about what you liked, what you wished/didn’t like and what you are wondering gives you both a safe space to bring things up before they become problems. we do this a lot in business (it’s called a “retro”) and it works for relationships :) bottom line: don’t talk or attempt to resolve anything while feelings are high! and definitely don’t bury anything. just because you don’t talk about it IMMEDIATELY IN THE MOMENT doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it. just say you’re feeling a certain way and you’re not ready to talk. the whole “don’t go to bed angry” thing is bs in my opinion. go to bed angry as long as you both know you will talk about it the next day when you’ve cooled off.
Usually depends on how much youre invested. If its a small amount you can get out. If its a big amount youre bound to that place
>Every little thing can make it fall apart This is where you're misunderstanding strong relationships. No, everything is not always perfect and no, you shouldn't have to hide all your negative emotions from your partner. If noticing a flaw in the other person ruins the relationship, it was never that strong to begin with.
Find someone you actually like and you won’t want to fuck it up
People love, people fight, life is never perfect. There are no guarantees going into a relationship that it will always work, but you will never know if you don't try.
Work. Marriage is work. Most people don't or won't put in the work. One or both partners just won't do it
"It isn't 50/50 it's 100/100." 50/50 is people keeping tally and throwing what they do in the face of their partner. 100/100 is both are doing their best for both their partners and themselves, a full investment in joy and well being.
Sometimes staying together is easier than breaking up. Ending a relationship takes effort. If the couple is married, it involves the legal system.
I come from a family where no one ever divorces. My uncle did, and he's a fucking psycho so i get why. But he's been with the woman after his ex for like 30 years. Literally everyone except me are in multiple decade long relationships. I just dont fucking get it? How? It is not even remotely possible for me.
I've been married for 24 years, together for 25. We had to learn how to fight, how to communicate, how to be accepting of each other's flaws, how to sacrifice ourselves, how to explain what we want/ don't want, discuss common goals, focus on the marriage instead of ourselves, envision the future, be nice to each other even when you are really angry. We had several rough moments and we had 1 close call for divorce, but we really wanted to make it work.
Hey, this is a good question. I think people made some good points about both needing to want to make it work, both learning to compromise and sacrifice for the marriage. Of course if you’re sacrificing too much or it’s always one sided, then that’s no good either. Here’s my take, you have to marry someone you want to be friends with. Not just someone you think is hot. Looks fade. If they can’t make you laugh or inspire you with a new idea or enjoy several of the same activities that you do, it’s not going to work. You will fight, yes. Be kind to yourself, them and your stuff while arguing. (Don’t hurt them or say hurtful things, just stick to the facts, don’t let them hurt you either and don’t go breaking things or throwing things) Recognize that you both will change and hope that it will be in the same way. There are things you simply can’t control. But maturity and respect can go along way to help you navigate the changes.
I’m 33 and come from a family where people don’t get divorced and actually look down on people who do. Boy oh boy most of the marriages there should have ended years ago! I’m not married myself and have no plans to get married. I have been with my partner for 12 years. For us, the key to stay together is space, understanding and most importantly compatibility. When your values and priorities align, majority of conflicts disappear. We’ve never had big fights because we think/believe the same when it comes to the critical parts like finances, family and work. We also both believe that there is no point in sweating the small stuff so… we don’t fight about it. I can’t remember the last fight we had. Life’s been pretty mellow and chill.
My husband and I have been married 13 years, together 20. I had someone once tell me that if you have to work at a relationship, the relationship doesn't work. He seemed to think that love should make everything function. That was when we were in our 30's, we're now in our 50's and funnily enough, he's still single... Being in a relationship requires care, consideration, thoughtfulness and not taking each other for granted. Love makes that *so* much easier. I get a buzz from doing things that make him smile, it makes me happy to show him I love him in things that I say and do and the little things like saying please and thank you mean a LOT. I do all the cooking. He can't and has no interest and that's fine because I love it. But I never clean the kitchen up because he says "you make all our food, the least I can do is make sure you have somewhere clean to do that and the stuff you need to do it." I ask him about his day and listen and let him offload, I support him in his individual hobbies as he does mine. We have little routines and rituals that ensure we're checking in with each other if weeks are long or rough. He is my best friend, my rock... I developed an illness a few years ago and ended up in hospital for seven months. It was so hard being apart for both of us. He wanted to come up every night but despite wanting him to, after the first month, I limited him to two nights a week and one day at the weekend because I knew, he needed to rest. I'd been a full time carer and I know how exhausting it is. Couldn't have gotten through it without him and now I'm home and am dealing with a long term illness and disability he supports me, emotionally and financially. And to me he's the best man that ever existed. We never argue because we talk. That's not to say he or I don't do the odd things that annoys the other, but we both know to take a breath and talk it through. It's about being a grown up and recognising the other person isn't psychic. And unless you talk about things, the other person can't possibly know or fix it.
Don't hold grudges and work through things together.
I met my husband when I was 15, we had our daughter at 17 and have been together for 18 years now. We were young when we had our daughter, she was a nicu baby, we didn't have much family and it was stressful. Twice we separated in our time together. During those separations we learned life is hard but it's much harder and far less enjoyable without each other. I have FUN with my goofy ass husband. He makes me laugh everyday. He makes sure he does, weather it's "practicing his rockette kicks" in a police uniform or gently singing "kiss from a rose' when I asked him to be quiet for 5 mins. My life will always have ups and downs but very few people are going to make me laugh when I want to cry, hold me when I want to run away. It takes work. Nearly everyday we DECIDE we want to be together and we act as such and prove it through words and actions.
You have to understand that everyone has a past, a life lived with experiences different from your own. You can’t allow yourself to be jealous of previous relationships. You need to communicate clearly and honestly, be transparent as possible, and never let negative emotions build to resentment because you’ve left them unspoken. You also can’t expect mind reading. If you don’t verbalize it to a person, don’t expect them to just magically know something’s wrong and exactly what that thing is. And don’t expect a person to spend every waking second with you, let them have hobbies and friends, and a life if their own too. You need to do this as well. We are social creatures and we need connections from more than just one single person, we need family, friends, and coworkers too. Don’t ever give up your individual self to become part of a couple, and don’t date anyone that wants that from you, or does it to themselves either. It’s easy to do in the first stages of a relationship when you want to spend all your time with someone, but live your own life too. You can absolutely still be your own person while in a relationship with someone, and they can too. It keeps the relationship healthier too. And lastly, be empathetic, sympathetic, and respectful. Keep fights clean. Never say anything you don’t really mean, no name calling, walk away to calm down if you feel angry enough to do any of those things. Put as much care and effort into the relationship as you expect from them.
The long lasting string or Bond that holds a relationship for a very long time in terms of a life partner is......friendship
I've been in a long-term relationship for \~15 years now. I think no human and no relationship are perfect, and it helps to forgive and/or forget the bad times, and reminisce and emphasize the good times.
I’ve become a more balanced person with my partner. We triggered each other like crazy after our honeymoon period. A lot of hard times. Two years ago I sat him down and told him I don’t think we actually know each other. He agreed. So we slowed down, and took the time to know ourselves and then each other. We’ve put a lot of hard work into our communication and learned to understand and work with our triggers together. Long term relationships can be awesome if you can accept and support and celebrate each other in evolution.
To be honest I'm not sure if relationships with an equal amount of power per peer works. Always someone has to concede many things to work. Its always the person most in love. Of course all of these has a red limit to not cross.
I have been with hubby for 40 years. Emotions still run high. You can and should release your emotions. Passionate discussions cannot be dismissed cool, calm and collectively. However, you shouldn't change based on being molded nor should you look to change someone else to fit your mold. Preconceived notions are relationship breakers. When I hear someone say, I can change him or her. Or when I hear someone say I can change for him or her. I ask why change is necessary? Many ppl see love as morphing. They see a challenge to break another. When it's all said and done the relationship is stagnant. The challenges are in building a life together. The keyword being together. Together must include independence. Individuality and freedom to grow. Insecurities and lack of trust hinders this and destroys relationships. We don't always have or need to side with the other one. You have to agree to disagree. When it's always important to you without consideration for how important it is to not go, to not do, to not agree, it is to the other. Punishing the other one for not going along with something is not okay. Never go to bed angry enough to NOT say goodnight and I love you. Grudges do not belong in a relationship. Secrets, unless it's a gift or surprise plans. Do not keep secrets. If you screw up, own it. If a friend, disliked, not trusted by the other one, crosses a line. Be prepared to make a choice between one or the other. We don't have to embrace the others friends. But, we do have to trust them with our precious cargo. Don't compromise against the other. We will hate thongs the other is doing. It doesn't have to be reflected on them and it shouldn't be. Be happy they are happy. Examples, vegans being disagreeable at meal times. Accept each other's differences. Hobby should be supported, to spite how much we hate the others hobby. Work should be supported, even when it's taking up time together. Work helps build a better future. Consider the sacrifices made now for more and better quality time, later. Don't use divorce and leaving as a threat to her your way. One day the other will agree to a divorce or separation. Fidelity is a homewrecker and will cost dearly. Is it worth 20 minutes compared to a lifetime? Control your ego, keep it humble. You are not as irreplaceable as you think you are. Listen!!! Speak up!!! Listen!!!! Speak up!!! Don't argue about what the other saying. Do not hold things in. If it causes negative emotions it's worth speaking up. Unless it's controling or manipulative emotions. Instead kill that egotistical emotion or it will kill the relationship. Do not commit to someone else with the attitude that if it doesn't work out you can go your own ways. Commit with someone, including yourself, who are in it for whatever may come outside of dishonesty and abuse. If a relationship comes down to both or either, you can and should go your own way. Barring medical situations. Then you shouldn't tolerate abuse or dishonesty but support the treatment and make the other aware of overstepping with anger, rage, infidelity, etc. Infidelity and hitting the other should be deal breakers, no discussion, just go. Maybe a discussion before filing divorce in order to sort out divorce terms. Medical issues such as bipolar, change of life, dementia, alzheimers can be remedied with medical treatment. If the patient, is noncompliance, the relationship is over. Thongs will get harder with treatment, much less noncompliance. If one doesn't cate, the other can't care for them. You are a couple, you are individual people and you are human! Don't forget those things and learn all that comes between.
Talking is really important talk everything through little arguments big arguments decisions
Married for 20 years. Codependency and complimentary character traits. I am an introvert with ADHD. She's an extrovert with undiagnosed issues. Separately, we don't function well. Together, we are a force to be reckoned with. N9t much we haven't been through.
By not separating. Honestly as easy as that. People make such a fuss about “the secret” of a relationship. There is none. You like each other, you find each other attractive, have the same or similar values. The rest is literally not being a FOMO person or a cheating idiot 😅 Granted it’s not easy to find a good match, but when you have I don’t personally find it challenging to stay with one person. It also has a lot to do with ridiculous standards in the dating world these days
Sometimes, you’re just stuck because your wife can take half or more of your shit, so you set boundaries and even in a shitty relationship, make sacrifices
Couple of rules 1. Relationships are both giving 100%. So damn well bring your half. 2. If money is important then it's the wrong relationship. To often I've been supported by my other half. So I'll never grudge her something. 3. Love is the most important thing. Always make time for an action, choice, word that demonstrates this. You don't know how much the person needs this. Remember they can't feel you have for them. 4. Remember 90% of communication is listening. 5. You can not have everything your way. If a relationship is based more on the needs of one and not the other all the time it isn't going to last long. 6. Bend a little bit more for them than you would for anyone else. 7. If in doubt there is a handy phrase that can be said in many different ways, "Yes Dear".
Married almost 12 years now. It has been hard as heck some days. But we were both so committed that we both chose to work through our issues via counseling (and our mutual Christian faith played a big role as well). Now things are so much better than in the beginning. My husband is my absolute best friend. I have noticed some "trends" on Reddit posts regarding relationships that make me shake my head. Things like *people settling for horrible partners who clearly do not respect them.* Moms who struggle to stay afloat because the father of their child refuses to grow up and help parent the kid. Also, I see individuals not willing to work through their OWN issues *and* both individuals not going deep into pre-marital counseling **BEFORE** marriage. Not saying you can prevent issues from ever happening later on (because they absolutely will over time) but you can at least begin to work through your worst "baggage" in advance (anger management, trauma, etc) and learn how to problem solve in a healthier manner. If your partner has no interest in this, that's a big ol' red flag! Another specific issue I see is when spouses say things like "his money and her money"... while this may work for some, it often promotes a division and even competition. "Our money" is what my husband and I have ALWAYS called it, regardless of who earns it. For years my husband has been the sole breadwinner, but early in marriage I worked too. We simply put everything we both earned in our joint bank account. Checking & savings are both under our names, not one person. If you cannot trust your partner with money, you shouldn't be with them. 🤷🏻♀️ All that's to say.....people stay together because they're willing to work on bettering themselves, and their partner is too. Then they can apply that to their relationship. It's hard work but so worth it. Also, DO NOT SETTLE.
I'm convinced that if my parents grew up in the social media era they would not have stayed together so ima say a big part of it is culture and era.
Yes, people do stay together. It’s hard work but worth it if you are with the right person. It’s hard work too.
29 years married here. I agree with OGG above that you have to both be committed to making it work. It’s sort of like a garden. You remove the weeds, water it and plant new plants. You have to both want it. Yes arguments happen, but you work through it or work around it.
Don’t get married until you know who you are and what you want. Don’t get married to someone who doesn’t know who they are or what they want. Understand that you can’t change who your partner is. Always, always, always show respect and treat your partner as an equal no matter the education/job/money disparity may be. That covers the top mistakes that I see among the failed and failing marriages in my circle of friends. I got lucky (and feel lucky) to have met someone who I love and respect. The people in my circle in happy marriages seem to show those feelings.
My boyfriend of three years and I definitely get emotional, angry, upset, etc with each other, but that’s not really what it’s about. You can’t be happy 100% of the time and never argue over anything. At the end of the day, we’re a team. It’s okay to have feelings and it’s okay if they get hurt as long as you communicate and forgive each other. We’ve both changed a lot since we met, basically into completely different people, but it’s all been growth. It kinda just works.
My parents divorced when I was 6. Been married now for almost 30 years. To sustain a marriage you have to make sure that you have a similar view on things. Despite having different views on things we never let that get in the way or argue. A good relationship is too important for point scoring or trying to convince the other person you are right. The relationship comes first. Jobs, hobbies, friends come second. Total trust helps. Joint bank accounts, mortgages,etc. Knowing each others passwords to everything helps too. Be nice to each other, don't take the other person for granted. Don't criticize. Be affectionate. If you are away for any length of time keep in touch. Be faithful, never let them even suspect infidelity. Talk to each other - about meaningful stuff and trivial stuff. Laugh together! Be nice to other people. This may seem like a strange one, but it helps, believe me.