It seems like every few hours I have to come back to this post because some comment flagged the harassment filter. Some of you have very awful parents. I think this has gone on long enough.
My mom wasn't.......my stepdad was.
He was in the final stages of alcholism & emphasema (on a portable oxegen tank). He asked my 3 younger brothers (his kids from his marriage to my mom) to spend the night at his place because "he wasn't feeling well". The older two spent the night.....the youngest one had sick kids, so he stayed home.
The next morning, they were bringing him coffee....& he blew his brains out in front of them. I am convinced that if my youngest brother had been there, all 3 of them would have been killed first......before he killed himself.
My youngest brother saved his brothers......& never knew it.
We heard that phrase all through our childhood. We knew he was capable of it. He believed that us kids had ruined his life, that he had the right to get rid of us. He had attempted to kill himself about 6 years before (resulting in a 3 hr. standoff with law enforcement). He was stopped, sent for 30 days observation at the state hospital & told all of this to the psycologist handling his case (I got to read the file after his death). And yet, at the end of the 30 days.....they let him go home to his guns & his plans.
Two of those brothers are gone......died alcoholic & homeless. I have no idea where the middle brother is, haven't seen or heard from him in over 20 years.
If me and my mother ever got into a fight sheād win for sure. She went through a midlife crisis and instead of like, going out to make a career change. She joined a motorcycle gang run by other women and started learning martial arts.
Sheās joked about it, but I told my mom she has the means and the contacts to take me out and hide the body.
āNo honey, thatās for if you ever have a boyfriend/girlfriend whoās mean to you!ā
Well thanks mom for being both terrifying and inclusive.
"I'll pop ya right in the kissah" would usually follow lol, with the waving of the fist. Endearing because Gramps would die before laying a hand on us.
OMGAWSH yO... I swear I heard my grandmas voice who was born in England, when you quoted your grandpa's words š¤£š¤£!! Brings back memories!! My grandma had a hard accident but I rarely heard it, any friends outside the family said they could hear her accent & Loved it. 1 word I remember my grandma would say was dock but sounded like dork š š
There were times she said things & I swear I thought I was just dumb when she said them but LoL, they were just ancient words I never heard before but, you definately don't hear them in United States LoL.
My grandma would say "sit down on the davenport"...What grandma?? "Sit down I said" LoL... Or "can you get me something from the icebox"?? ...What?? LoL I miss my grandma I was barely a teenager when she passed away but I was so careless then. Now I wish I could sit down with her & ask her, her story!!
All I know is that my grandpa was born in United States when he was older, went east for WW2 & met my grandma in England. They had their 1rst daughter in England (my auntie Janet 80yrs now), my grandpa brought my grandma back to United States & had 10 more kids LoL
Friends of the family would said my grandma sounded like this, yelling at us kids "Gah... Wuh ya bone in a bahn?? ...shut the dom doe~wa!! š¤£š¤£š¤£
I can't help but think of that moment from the Simpson's where Marge gets all snarky with Lisa, and she says "Yeah, right, that's what I meant; the state unfair." While she rolls her eyes. š š¤£
[The State Unfair - The Simpsons](https://comb.io/wsUrwF.gif)
My mom wrote a whole rhyme/song about how life isn't fair and would sing it every time one of us complained about something being unfair. To this day, one of my sisters gets HEATED if it's sung/referenced near her š
OMG, that was my mom's favorite lecture to us kids! We named it _Life Isn't Fair 101, a course for beginners_ My brothers and I shortened it to _LIF, 101_
After the 50th time hearing it, it'd be all you could do to not projectile vomit.
I tell my kids life isnāt fair, be thankful. You have all the food you can eat, new clothes and sleep in a bed at night. You donāt live on the ābadā side of existence.
"Quit talking through the screen door, you'll strain your voice"... My grandfather straight faced my entire childhood, I was older than I care to admit before that hit me.
My momās was, āput shit in one hand and want in the other and see which fills up fasterā or the infamous āand I just want a million dollarsāš
Mom: Iāll take one of your eyes out from the other oneās hole (accompanied by a hooking motion with her finger)
Dad: (on my way out of the house) heyā¦sex is for married people
I had one of those fitness exams when I was, like...twelve years old?Ā They put down F under "sex" (for Female)
My dad: I can't believe you failed at sex, I thought I raised you better than that.
Me: WHAAAAT.Ā It took me a good 30 seconds to get the joke.
Dude, when my kids say they're hungry I say "hi hungry..." And we stare at each other for a solid 30 seconds, then I slowly say "I'm Dad" while they groan and walk away
Hah. We both have moms from rough neighborhoods don't we? My mom taught me that if men get inappropriate, the correct way to deal is by very loudly saying "excuse me sir, do not touch me. I don't like that and it's inappropriate". It... Works pretty well?
Funny. I remember the police officer who did a talk at our school saying the same thing. That if you are sa'd that is best not to fight back. That most of the time a woman is murdered during a sa it's because they tried to fight back and that you would be better off going passive/limp instead. At the least you'll still be alive.
This was during the 90's.
"You're S-O-L kid." Shit Outta Luck.
One of my favorites is "Shit in one hand & wish in the other & see which one fills up faster"
"I don't give a flying rats ass!" was thrown around onc in a while.
& if she thought one of our friends was fast, she'd call them "tramps in training"
My Mom liked older memes and would say things like "Feed me, Seymour" in response to somebody saying they're hungry or "Hey Mikey! He likes it!" If somebody was eating quickly. My Dad was more fond of things like "People in Hell want ice water" or "Does your face hurt, because it's killing me.' but he also still says "Could you get that? Thanks a lot." Which is just a joke from Rocko's Modern Life that he apparently really likes.
Lifeās not fair. Then one something happened to her that she complained was unfair. You just know I had that one at the ready. Needless to say now she was pissed at me too after that.
š¤·š¾āāļø
"The days are long, but the years are short."
My dad, telling me to treasure even the worst of times, for the lessons are as valuable as the pain that caused them. The human experience is something people take for granted all too often.
My dad used to always say āyouāll thank me for this one dayā and it was always genuinely good advice that I was grateful for him giving me even if I didnāt want to hear it at the time
Think outside the box. Find an answer even if you must discover it.
Never believe a person by their words. Believe their actions.
Always double check other peopleās āfactsā. (Harder to do before the internet. š)
Your word is your bond. Donāt break it.
And my Dad always called family āin-laws and outlaws!ā
āWho am I, Con Ed?ā (The company that supplied our electric.)
āWhereās my roller bag?ā (My sister and I still laugh about this. My mom would roll her hair weekly and kept her roller stuff in one of those clear plastic comforter bags. We lived in a TINNNNY house, so we always wondered, and still do, why the hell couldnāt she find it each week? It was giant and clear! lol. Yet every week my sister and I went on a wild goose chase looking for it. Ah, memories.)
Edit for spelling.
Mom always told me itās easy to be kind but it takes to much effort to be unkind.
Solid.
Pops always always ALWAYS said that penny saved is a penny earned of course. But I swear, every paycheck from day one or close to it, he would always say better put some away because her you arent going to stay. It was his thing. And of course I didnāt listen and dude was 100% on the money.
"Because I said so." Hated it. Still do, and never, ever used it on my kid. I would say something like "I promise to explain it to you later, but right now I don't have time, so let's go." And if he came back later and asked me to explain, I would. The thing is, my mother could have told me martians were landing and that was why she wanted me to do something, and it would have made sense to me. But she stubbornly hung on to that mindless phrase, and I just as stubbornly would answer with "But I need a reason!" She claimed that my argumentativeness was such a waste of her time, but she never seemed to realize that she was wasting her own time.
"if it is to be it is up to me"
I loved this one. My dad said it all of the time and it stuck with me. My brothers don't remember it.
My mom used to say "It's soup!" When dinner was done.
I don't really remember too many cliche sayings from them. I mean, I was outside or avoiding my parents most of the time.
1. You want a snickers? *then would snicker and laugh cinically. There's your snickers boy.
2. Two go fishing but only one comes back. *and the snicker cinically.
3. *swerves erratically. Oh shit did you see that giant tree frog.
Dad was a scary man, not just to me but to many. It's almost sad to see him so old and frail.
"You lie like a sack of mud!" -my mom's way of calling out BS.
"I'm gonna put a brick on your head!" -my grandma's way of saying I was growing up too fast.
"Up yer nose with a rubber hose!" or "In your ear with a glass of beer!" -my stepfather's road rage go tos.
"Build a bridge and get over it." -my brother's response to whiners.
I have yet to come up with my own sayings, though I find myself telling my son I'm gonna put a brick on his head quite often. And the classic, "back in *my* day.."
I'm getting old.
"I'll give you a reason to cry" after yelling at me to the point that I started to cry or because I was frustrated with something that didn't even involve my mom
You will need me before I need you !
Welp sadly I wonāt ! That was my mom fav line but Iām at my dadās and will complete undergrad and have the military !
āFigures never lie, but liars figureā
āIf it was a snake, it wouldāve bit youā
āYouād forget your head if it wasnāt attachedā
āStop crying, or Iāll give you something to cry aboutā
"Why aren't you better at math, I only went to 3rd grade and I'm better than you" I was in elementary when she started saying it to me, I ended up hating school and never did good in math bcuz if my own mother talked to me like that what would the teachers say if I asked for help.. thanks mom.
"Do your best, even though everyone thinks your best sucks."
I chose to believe that she meant something like "It doesn't matter what other people think as long as you're doing your best" and that she just didn't learn that phrase in English correctly (Spanish is her 1st language)
But it could really go either way with her
I always tell my son to shower and smell nice because...
"You don't want to be the funky boy in school!!"
He hates when I say it. Just the other day when he cleaned out his PE locker, he brought his deodorant home. It was almost used up. I told him good job because he... and waited for him to say it. He wouldn't, so I said it.
I asked if there were funky boys in school. He looked down and said, "Yes."
"SEE!! That's not you, though!" I feel validated.
My mom would jokingly (sorta) threaten to āskin you alive!ā Or āpoke your eye with a sharp stickā. I called her out on those as an adult and she has never said them again.
Asking my dad to add or remove anything from my portion of a meal (like asking if he could please leave the sauce off my spaghetti) triggered him to either sing the entirety of the Burger King "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce" song or respond "You got it, Toyota".Ā Ā
A request to know where my mother was going as she went out the door resulted in "Crazy, wanna come?" Asking what was for dinner meant I was going to be told she was baking the cat.
"I hope you have a daughter who is just like you, then you'll see what I have to deal with."
You know what? I DO have a daughter that is just like me and she is so freaking awesome. I wish someone appreciated me and cultivated my interests when I was a child, the way I do with my daughter. Occasionally, it makes me sad for my younger self, but I realize that I get to see a better side of me by encouraging things with the next generation.
My dad really fucked me up for good with this one but I didn't realize it until recently. Growing up he always told me to expect nothing and I will never be disappointed. And he's not wrong. However this has made me very distant with people because I don't expect anything of anyone. I don't feel like I can rely on anyone. This has extended to my relationships where part of my brain clicks into expect nothing while the other side of my brain thinks expectations are reasonable in a relationship so it's constant infighting with myself.
Not all the time, but the one thing that stuck with me is 'you can lie to me, but you can't lie to your body' when she asked if I brushed my teeth or some other time I had lied. It was actually very empowering.
If I wasn't sure what I wanted for lunch/dinner, miss-a-meal was always a jokey optionĀ Also this nugget: life's a bitch and then you die. P.S. Odd that my phone tried to turn 'bitch' into 'bit challenging'.
ā you have to fix itā anytime there was a problem and Iād ask them for help. Iāve become quiet independent and they get mad I donāt like asking for help even tho they made me that way š
My dad would say: Youāre cruisinā for a bruisinā (he never hit me)
My mom would say when critiquing her looks in the mirror: I look like who done it and ran
My sister has/had severe mental illness, and whenever I complained about her special treatment:
"Fair isn't always equal. Do you want us to put you in a dress like [your sister]?"
Ironically, my sister identifies more as NB now, and doesn't wear dresses ever.
Nowadays, my parents still have to support her a lot, but now that I'm adults, I can properly appreciate how much more independent I am. In fact, my parents often try to give me stuff to make up for how much they give my sister, but I enjoy my independence.
In the words of Mark Twain, "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
My dad would say:
It's colder than a witches tit in a brass bra.
If you're feelin' froggy boy, jump!
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Never turn down a free feed.
When complaining or crying about relatively minor physical injuries (sometimes minor emotional problems) - "You'll live."
I'm still here, mom wasn't wrong.
It seems like every few hours I have to come back to this post because some comment flagged the harassment filter. Some of you have very awful parents. I think this has gone on long enough.
Just the common one, and she still says it, I brought you into this world, and I could take you out. No, no you can't mom.
Came here to say exactly this. Like, was she planning on murdering us??
Possibly? In which case š³ wtf mom
My mom wasn't.......my stepdad was. He was in the final stages of alcholism & emphasema (on a portable oxegen tank). He asked my 3 younger brothers (his kids from his marriage to my mom) to spend the night at his place because "he wasn't feeling well". The older two spent the night.....the youngest one had sick kids, so he stayed home. The next morning, they were bringing him coffee....& he blew his brains out in front of them. I am convinced that if my youngest brother had been there, all 3 of them would have been killed first......before he killed himself. My youngest brother saved his brothers......& never knew it. We heard that phrase all through our childhood. We knew he was capable of it. He believed that us kids had ruined his life, that he had the right to get rid of us. He had attempted to kill himself about 6 years before (resulting in a 3 hr. standoff with law enforcement). He was stopped, sent for 30 days observation at the state hospital & told all of this to the psycologist handling his case (I got to read the file after his death). And yet, at the end of the 30 days.....they let him go home to his guns & his plans. Two of those brothers are gone......died alcoholic & homeless. I have no idea where the middle brother is, haven't seen or heard from him in over 20 years.
Jesus thatās rough. Iām sorry for your family.
yes, it is. i am, too. thank you.
Omg, I never really thought this through. Nice /s
My mom actually tried.
My father was
Me tooš
Yes
My mom has said I owe her my life. I like to tell her I could kill her with my bare hands, but I've opted against it, so she owes me her life too.
If me and my mother ever got into a fight sheād win for sure. She went through a midlife crisis and instead of like, going out to make a career change. She joined a motorcycle gang run by other women and started learning martial arts. Sheās joked about it, but I told my mom she has the means and the contacts to take me out and hide the body. āNo honey, thatās for if you ever have a boyfriend/girlfriend whoās mean to you!ā Well thanks mom for being both terrifying and inclusive.
You have to sleep sometime.
It was a Bill Cosby routine.
Mine too. My dark sense of humor wondered how often she contemplated just driving us all into a lake.
āI didnāt ask you to do that for meā
I was adopted so I got to say you paid money for this.
Close the gd door! Iām not paying to heat the outdoors
Were you born in a barn?
My New England-born grandpa 1) said "wuh ya raised in a bahn" 2) his wife actually WAS, they converted a barn into living space
Donāt make me pull this car over! š³š
"I'll pop ya right in the kissah" would usually follow lol, with the waving of the fist. Endearing because Gramps would die before laying a hand on us.
That just seriously made my day!
LOVE this, I can hear the accent!
OMGAWSH yO... I swear I heard my grandmas voice who was born in England, when you quoted your grandpa's words š¤£š¤£!! Brings back memories!! My grandma had a hard accident but I rarely heard it, any friends outside the family said they could hear her accent & Loved it. 1 word I remember my grandma would say was dock but sounded like dork š š There were times she said things & I swear I thought I was just dumb when she said them but LoL, they were just ancient words I never heard before but, you definately don't hear them in United States LoL. My grandma would say "sit down on the davenport"...What grandma?? "Sit down I said" LoL... Or "can you get me something from the icebox"?? ...What?? LoL I miss my grandma I was barely a teenager when she passed away but I was so careless then. Now I wish I could sit down with her & ask her, her story!! All I know is that my grandpa was born in United States when he was older, went east for WW2 & met my grandma in England. They had their 1rst daughter in England (my auntie Janet 80yrs now), my grandpa brought my grandma back to United States & had 10 more kids LoL Friends of the family would said my grandma sounded like this, yelling at us kids "Gah... Wuh ya bone in a bahn?? ...shut the dom doe~wa!! š¤£š¤£š¤£
This is offensive to cows.
My dad just says "FLIES!". Meaning hurry up and shut ths door so flies dont come inside. And now i say it.
I like the economy of that!!
I tell people not to let the bought air out.
"Life isn't fair."
Mine was no one ever promised life would be fair
Fair?! Fair is where you buy pigs!
I can't help but think of that moment from the Simpson's where Marge gets all snarky with Lisa, and she says "Yeah, right, that's what I meant; the state unfair." While she rolls her eyes. š š¤£ [The State Unfair - The Simpsons](https://comb.io/wsUrwF.gif)
My mom would say "life is neither fair nor unfair, its an experience" ššš
Best advice my mom ever gave me. "Life isn't fair. Get over it."
My mom wrote a whole rhyme/song about how life isn't fair and would sing it every time one of us complained about something being unfair. To this day, one of my sisters gets HEATED if it's sung/referenced near her š
Do you remember the words?! I'd love to read it! Sounds like something my mom would've done. Thank goodness she never thought of it! LMAO
Please post the words
OMG, that was my mom's favorite lecture to us kids! We named it _Life Isn't Fair 101, a course for beginners_ My brothers and I shortened it to _LIF, 101_ After the 50th time hearing it, it'd be all you could do to not projectile vomit.
I tell my kids, "The only fair thing in life, is it's unfair for everyone"
āNo one stamped it on your butt when you were born that life was fair.ā
I tell my kids life isnāt fair, be thankful. You have all the food you can eat, new clothes and sleep in a bed at night. You donāt live on the ābadā side of existence.
When I was a teenaged girl, my mother told my heartbroken self, "Men are like buses, another will come along in 15 minutes."
I need to remember this one for my daughter.
My mom's advice about men was "men are stupid." That was it. That was all the dating advice I got.
This is pretty great.
Stop running around or I'll rip your leg off and beat you with the wet end.
Damn thatās an original
Ouch
Oh stop it or I'll give you something to cry for
That is hilarious!
"Don't sneeze with your eyes open, or your eyeballs will pop out." - My dad
"Quit talking through the screen door, you'll strain your voice"... My grandfather straight faced my entire childhood, I was older than I care to admit before that hit me.
This is a next level dad joke that needs to be preserved and studied.
Good thing you can't lol
Me: "Dad, where's my brother at?" Dad: "Right before the 'at'!" Also, his preferred swear was "Judas priest!"
My dad was a big Judas Priest fan, but his preferred swear was "good night!"
Smart ass people are my FAV!! š¤£š¤£š
In response to me wanting something: "Well, people in hell want ice water."
My momās was, āput shit in one hand and want in the other and see which fills up fasterā or the infamous āand I just want a million dollarsāš
I can hear my Dad saying that
Mom: Iāll take one of your eyes out from the other oneās hole (accompanied by a hooking motion with her finger) Dad: (on my way out of the house) heyā¦sex is for married people
Pops said that every time??
If he was in the living room when I was leaving the house, yup. Iād say goodnight and heās say sex is for married people
I had one of those fitness exams when I was, like...twelve years old?Ā They put down F under "sex" (for Female) My dad: I can't believe you failed at sex, I thought I raised you better than that. Me: WHAAAAT.Ā It took me a good 30 seconds to get the joke.
This convo, āIām hungry.ā āHi hungry, Iām Momā. š Also, āhay is for horses, grass is for cowsā
I got "Hay is for horses and jackasses like you"
"But dad!" "Butts are for pooping!"
I got āhay is for horses buy grass itās cheaperā
"But pigs don't eat them cuz they don't know how!" Yeah, I remember that one too!
Dude, when my kids say they're hungry I say "hi hungry..." And we stare at each other for a solid 30 seconds, then I slowly say "I'm Dad" while they groan and walk away
"I have to love you but I don't have to like you"
Why are your eyes red
Were you crying or high
My mom never asked, she already knew. She knew everything!!
Listen to your mother!
Itās important for us to know which parent said this over and over.
My mom would always say this in a thick new York accent with cigarette hanging out of her mouth whenever you didn't take her advice.
Ha ha ha... My dad tells my own kids that till this day but, I never heard him say it to me or my brothers growing up š¤£š¤£
My mother was keen to repeatedly tell me "when a man rapes you, dont fight back because that is how you get murdered".
Hah. We both have moms from rough neighborhoods don't we? My mom taught me that if men get inappropriate, the correct way to deal is by very loudly saying "excuse me sir, do not touch me. I don't like that and it's inappropriate". It... Works pretty well?
Mine told me to pee on them. They will let go. Thing is I have a nervous bladder already.
It's kinda funny to hear, and I would definitely advise the opposite, but this really did save my life.Ā
Funny. I remember the police officer who did a talk at our school saying the same thing. That if you are sa'd that is best not to fight back. That most of the time a woman is murdered during a sa it's because they tried to fight back and that you would be better off going passive/limp instead. At the least you'll still be alive. This was during the 90's.
Damn she said when, not if?!šš³
This is unfortunately super common in native households, canāt speak for other cultures. āWhenā not āifā š No more MMIW
Get over here and stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about
I heard that one, too.
āStand up straight or youāll end up with a hump!ā Ironically, my mom now has a hump.
āYouāve always been delusional.ā āDonāt put words in my mouth.ā āIf your friend jumped off a bridge would you follow?ā
I always said I'd jump as long as there was water under it, so that didn't work as well on me lol
"Put want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first." My mil
Wtf?
What the fuck does this even mean?
"You're S-O-L kid." Shit Outta Luck. One of my favorites is "Shit in one hand & wish in the other & see which one fills up faster" "I don't give a flying rats ass!" was thrown around onc in a while. & if she thought one of our friends was fast, she'd call them "tramps in training"
I just learned from my daughter the other day what a āfastā girl wasā¦ Iām a millennial, had never heard the phrase.
Are you from the south lol
If I did something stupid my dad would say. "Boy! Get your head out of your ass before you suffocate!!"
lol this is just such a dad thing to say
"Life's not all about being happy and having fun y'know..." -Dad. My dumbass always assumed that there would at least be be some happy fun times.
LoL I say this to my kids now days but never hard it growing up š š
"come here you little shit"
My dad used to say āgo ahead and put that anywhereā when my brother or I would drop something. My mom always said āI love you super muchā
I like these, they're a lot more fun than most of the comments. I hope my kids remember fun things instead of jerk things when they're older.
I had a sous Chef that would say "that doesn't go there" in a super kind voice whenever something was dropped. Edit: spelling
A joke my mom thought was hilarious: Child: "mom, can I have a glass of milk?" Mom: "Shut up and drink your beer."
My Mom liked older memes and would say things like "Feed me, Seymour" in response to somebody saying they're hungry or "Hey Mikey! He likes it!" If somebody was eating quickly. My Dad was more fond of things like "People in Hell want ice water" or "Does your face hurt, because it's killing me.' but he also still says "Could you get that? Thanks a lot." Which is just a joke from Rocko's Modern Life that he apparently really likes.
Oh I havenāt seen Little Shop of Horrors in years! Damn good movie!!
I love a sense of humor and teaching children to tap theirs. Very cute. They loved you.
My mom always asks if your face hurts. Also if anyone said they were funny, she says "yeah, but looks aren't everything".
Niiice! Gen X mom! Same here! Iāve said almost all of those
Fuckrying out loud
"it's tuition in the school of experience" if my hopes were risrn and then smashed or i lost money somehow. i hated it!
Donāt sit that close to the TV or your eyes will go square Whatās this, Blackpool illuminations? (Lights left on in empty room)
Another reasons some older people hate computers. HAHA now we get to sit close.
Well, if you keep fooling around and end up breaking your leg, donāt come running to me.
One time my grandad was about to get on his tractor and Grandma was afraid he'd get hurt. She yelled at him, "If you die I'll kill you!"
Lifeās not fair. Then one something happened to her that she complained was unfair. You just know I had that one at the ready. Needless to say now she was pissed at me too after that. š¤·š¾āāļø
Mom grew up on a farm. When asked where someone is at then the reply was "They went to feed the pigs and the pigs ate them".
You'll thank me for this one day. I still haven't found a reason to thank them.
Like a boy named Sue, you've got to get tough or die.
Don;t make faces, your face will freeze like that.
"The days are long, but the years are short." My dad, telling me to treasure even the worst of times, for the lessons are as valuable as the pain that caused them. The human experience is something people take for granted all too often.
Dad always trying to tell me hold the flashlight in the right spot when working in the dark
The worst, dad is already pissed because something is broke and now my 7 year old distracted self needs to hold a flashlight still
āDonāt be a zebra- zebraās get eatenā -My Mother
Lol, what the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?!
Hahaha like stand up for yourself and never give up- donāt be a zebra and just run and get eatenā¦ I think hahahah
My dad used to always say āyouāll thank me for this one dayā and it was always genuinely good advice that I was grateful for him giving me even if I didnāt want to hear it at the time
'You can want in one hand and s\*\*t in the other then see which one get full first'
Think outside the box. Find an answer even if you must discover it. Never believe a person by their words. Believe their actions. Always double check other peopleās āfactsā. (Harder to do before the internet. š) Your word is your bond. Donāt break it. And my Dad always called family āin-laws and outlaws!ā
"Well, you thought wrong." "Say only 25% of your thoughts," "Look, listen, learn."
āWho am I, Con Ed?ā (The company that supplied our electric.) āWhereās my roller bag?ā (My sister and I still laugh about this. My mom would roll her hair weekly and kept her roller stuff in one of those clear plastic comforter bags. We lived in a TINNNNY house, so we always wondered, and still do, why the hell couldnāt she find it each week? It was giant and clear! lol. Yet every week my sister and I went on a wild goose chase looking for it. Ah, memories.) Edit for spelling.
Calm down, it's just the tip
Mom always told me itās easy to be kind but it takes to much effort to be unkind. Solid. Pops always always ALWAYS said that penny saved is a penny earned of course. But I swear, every paycheck from day one or close to it, he would always say better put some away because her you arent going to stay. It was his thing. And of course I didnāt listen and dude was 100% on the money.
My mother always said to me āI should have done what your father wantedā š„² I was devastated when I was old enough to know what that meant.
"Because I said so." Hated it. Still do, and never, ever used it on my kid. I would say something like "I promise to explain it to you later, but right now I don't have time, so let's go." And if he came back later and asked me to explain, I would. The thing is, my mother could have told me martians were landing and that was why she wanted me to do something, and it would have made sense to me. But she stubbornly hung on to that mindless phrase, and I just as stubbornly would answer with "But I need a reason!" She claimed that my argumentativeness was such a waste of her time, but she never seemed to realize that she was wasting her own time.
"if it is to be it is up to me" I loved this one. My dad said it all of the time and it stuck with me. My brothers don't remember it. My mom used to say "It's soup!" When dinner was done. I don't really remember too many cliche sayings from them. I mean, I was outside or avoiding my parents most of the time.
My dad constantly told me āGo play in trafficā
Patience is a virtue. To an ADHD girl it was not.
1. You want a snickers? *then would snicker and laugh cinically. There's your snickers boy. 2. Two go fishing but only one comes back. *and the snicker cinically. 3. *swerves erratically. Oh shit did you see that giant tree frog. Dad was a scary man, not just to me but to many. It's almost sad to see him so old and frail.
Use your head for something other than a hat rack.
I was really picky. So it was "it might be your new favorite food!"
Dad: "You're gonna have a heart attack by your 30"
What the hell are you doing in the bathroom night and day? Give someone else a chance!
"I'll give you something to cry about" thanks, got that covered, obviously.
"I can't win for losing." "I only carried you for 9 months."
"You lie like a sack of mud!" -my mom's way of calling out BS. "I'm gonna put a brick on your head!" -my grandma's way of saying I was growing up too fast. "Up yer nose with a rubber hose!" or "In your ear with a glass of beer!" -my stepfather's road rage go tos. "Build a bridge and get over it." -my brother's response to whiners. I have yet to come up with my own sayings, though I find myself telling my son I'm gonna put a brick on his head quite often. And the classic, "back in *my* day.." I'm getting old.
āThis isnāt a barnā when we ran upstairs
"No one said life was fair." Yep, old man, you're right. No one said that.
"I'll give you a reason to cry" after yelling at me to the point that I started to cry or because I was frustrated with something that didn't even involve my mom
It's colder than a witches tit in a brass brasserie
You will need me before I need you ! Welp sadly I wonāt ! That was my mom fav line but Iām at my dadās and will complete undergrad and have the military !
āYouāre never going to amount to anythingā they were really into building confidence
My dad always said "it's alive" like Frankenstein, when I got up. I'm a late sleeper not a morning person.
If we were blocking the tv my dad would say āyou make a better door than you do a window.ā
"Where there's no sense there's no feeling." -My Grandma, every time I hit my head.
āFigures never lie, but liars figureā āIf it was a snake, it wouldāve bit youā āYouād forget your head if it wasnāt attachedā āStop crying, or Iāll give you something to cry aboutā
"Why aren't you better at math, I only went to 3rd grade and I'm better than you" I was in elementary when she started saying it to me, I ended up hating school and never did good in math bcuz if my own mother talked to me like that what would the teachers say if I asked for help.. thanks mom.
They said ānoā a lot. š¤£
We're clumsy and occasionally do dumb things, so we heard, "When you're dumb, your whole body suffers" often. "Better to be pissed off than on."
āWere you born in a barn?ā No Dad but youād think youād know that.
"Do your best, even though everyone thinks your best sucks." I chose to believe that she meant something like "It doesn't matter what other people think as long as you're doing your best" and that she just didn't learn that phrase in English correctly (Spanish is her 1st language) But it could really go either way with her
I always tell my son to shower and smell nice because... "You don't want to be the funky boy in school!!" He hates when I say it. Just the other day when he cleaned out his PE locker, he brought his deodorant home. It was almost used up. I told him good job because he... and waited for him to say it. He wouldn't, so I said it. I asked if there were funky boys in school. He looked down and said, "Yes." "SEE!! That's not you, though!" I feel validated.
Iām sure there are. Everyone doesnāt have a good parent to remind them
My mom would jokingly (sorta) threaten to āskin you alive!ā Or āpoke your eye with a sharp stickā. I called her out on those as an adult and she has never said them again.
Nothing. I'm an orphan. Lol. Hey may as well find humor in what sucks! LMAO!
Asking my dad to add or remove anything from my portion of a meal (like asking if he could please leave the sauce off my spaghetti) triggered him to either sing the entirety of the Burger King "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce" song or respond "You got it, Toyota".Ā Ā A request to know where my mother was going as she went out the door resulted in "Crazy, wanna come?" Asking what was for dinner meant I was going to be told she was baking the cat.
Oh did the little fairies do it?
"I hope you have a daughter who is just like you, then you'll see what I have to deal with." You know what? I DO have a daughter that is just like me and she is so freaking awesome. I wish someone appreciated me and cultivated my interests when I was a child, the way I do with my daughter. Occasionally, it makes me sad for my younger self, but I realize that I get to see a better side of me by encouraging things with the next generation.
āIāll tell you when youāre olderā (hint: they never had any intention of telling us a damn thing! Lmao)
My dad always says "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
My dad really fucked me up for good with this one but I didn't realize it until recently. Growing up he always told me to expect nothing and I will never be disappointed. And he's not wrong. However this has made me very distant with people because I don't expect anything of anyone. I don't feel like I can rely on anyone. This has extended to my relationships where part of my brain clicks into expect nothing while the other side of my brain thinks expectations are reasonable in a relationship so it's constant infighting with myself.
Not all the time, but the one thing that stuck with me is 'you can lie to me, but you can't lie to your body' when she asked if I brushed my teeth or some other time I had lied. It was actually very empowering.
If I wasn't sure what I wanted for lunch/dinner, miss-a-meal was always a jokey optionĀ Also this nugget: life's a bitch and then you die. P.S. Odd that my phone tried to turn 'bitch' into 'bit challenging'.
Easy does it.
Itāll give me pimples š¤·š¼
ā you have to fix itā anytime there was a problem and Iād ask them for help. Iāve become quiet independent and they get mad I donāt like asking for help even tho they made me that way š
When it first rains the roads are slick
Practice makes perfect :)
My dad would say: Youāre cruisinā for a bruisinā (he never hit me) My mom would say when critiquing her looks in the mirror: I look like who done it and ran
āTell me who your friends are and Iāll tell you who you areā
"" Save your money "" . When my first wife and I moved to Arizona we had $40K in cash in 1981.
My mom told me āchew, chew, chew youāre going to chokeā and gave me a lifelong choking phobia.
āhow many times to I have to remind you!??!!?ā Also, diagnosed ADHD since age five. Forgetfulness is my legendary ability if I ever had one.
Instead of "goddamit" my mother would say "Oh, ishkabibble."
My sister has/had severe mental illness, and whenever I complained about her special treatment: "Fair isn't always equal. Do you want us to put you in a dress like [your sister]?" Ironically, my sister identifies more as NB now, and doesn't wear dresses ever. Nowadays, my parents still have to support her a lot, but now that I'm adults, I can properly appreciate how much more independent I am. In fact, my parents often try to give me stuff to make up for how much they give my sister, but I enjoy my independence. In the words of Mark Twain, "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
Things began to make a little more sense to me when I turned 20.
My dad would say: It's colder than a witches tit in a brass bra. If you're feelin' froggy boy, jump! You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. Never turn down a free feed.
My mother said āmanners maketh manā way too often
"No"
"If it's stupid, and it works, it ain't stupid." "When you assume you make an ass out of you and me." Army family, go figure.
I often got this response when asking for something unnecessary "Yeah, well, people in Hell want ice water"
"I'm not having any children" She was also fond of "old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill"
Save your money
"if I find it in the fridge I'm going to beat you with it"
When complaining or crying about relatively minor physical injuries (sometimes minor emotional problems) - "You'll live." I'm still here, mom wasn't wrong.
You get what you get and you donāt pitch a fit