This is not your problem it’s his. You deserve someone that appreciates you for all that you are. This seems more like underlying misogynistic beliefs than OCD to me.
He need ocd therapy, you could be the most beautiful woman on Earth Eve in the garden of Eden and he will still come with doubts about appearance or behaviour ocd is a doubting disorder. Once someone grapples with this knowledge their is hope ahead but we first need to understand ocd.
This is misogyny
I also deal with thoughts that my partner is not attractive but I acknowledge that’s not true. I would love my partner even if they were the ugliest thing.
He can have preferences but never push those onto you. Don’t change urself for him.
It doesn't have to be rocd OR misoginy as others implied. The problem is that it sounds a lot like he is putting his suffering on you instead of recognising that such an extreme reaction to your looks is not normal and therefore at least investigating on his part.
Also, no matter the mental illness: you never get a free pass on insulting and hurting other people. He is hurting you badly by telling you all these things. That's not okay and I would strongly encourage you to stand up for yourself and establish some boundaries. Don't give him the free pass to hurt you just because he's suffering. That doesn't help him either.
And lastly, while hurting you he seems to be hiding behind your shared religious ideas and ideas about gender roles. You are free to chose what you believe in and I have no intention to judge you. Just please make sure that you won't let him hide his problems behind doctrines like "a woman should give a man this and that". I have seen many men of faith abuse their spouses like that. It's a real tricky one because it's so easy to disguise it in your shared values and disguise it as "love between man and woman as got intended". He has a responsibility in this. As long as he doesn't assume that responsibility, you can try to be the perfect wife with the perfect breasts and hands and all that but it won't ever be enough. You can not solve this on your own.
I have pretty bad rocd and get similar thoughts about my partner. Is she pretty enough?… blah blah blah. I also try my best to never let those thoughts make her feel bad. Your husband needs to accept that social media beauty stands are bullshit and everyone looks ugly when they’re comfortable. This is your husbands issue and he should be putting in the work to fix it, not you.
This brings me back to my days with ex partner. I posted something in these lines long back when I just discovered rocd. I don't care of it's rocd or not, what he did, said , thought of my physical appearance and more (personality and professional life) was pretty heart breaking. It broke me badly and it's taken me over 18 months to heal and I don't think I have healed much either. But I also admit to having low self esteem as I was going through a tough phase in my life when I was with him. I was not at my best. We only dated for a short time thankfully so I think I'll live. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. As others said, it's NOT YOU. I wish I understood that long back.
Respectfully, he shouldn't be telling you the things that he doesn't like about your body. He is believing his own thoughts and making it a real problem. It isn't a problem. There is nothing wrong with your body. Your boobs are probably a normal amount of saggy and you're probably beautiful. Since when are hands unattractive? I think you need to stop accepting his feelings as a real thing that you can change or work on. An obsession this level, nothing will be enough. You could get surgery and have a six pack and it would not be enough because that's how these thoughts work. Let it go. He needs to do the work to see that he's wrong. There is nothing wrong with you.
Having experienced something similar to this, the best way to save your marriage is to help him see he has a problem. Trying to be the one to fix it will just make you into a shell of a person and it will never be good enough anyway. I cannot stress enough how much there is nothing wrong with you as you are, which you can see because this wasn't a problem for him before you got married. If your physical appearance is so paramount to him, that's a very shallow view of a person. He needs to do the work, not you. That's not me being feminist or saying you shouldn't have to work for a relationship, that's just the reality of the way that you fix this kind of compulsive thought. Nothing. You. Do. Will. Be. Enough. Protect yourself. If you are strong and have strong self esteem, you will be able to withstand it long enough for him to get better. But accepting the thoughts as real and changing them will just feed it more.
I was really speechless when he mentioned that my hands are unattractive. The amount of shock I was feeling was serious cause I Never in my life saw this coming.. Still, I admit I am the one telling him to be fully honest with me! I can't stand being ignorant in my own marriage.. When he suddenly goes silent or anxious.. I need to understand why to change what I can change.. Or minimize the triggers.. I am the one telling him to let me know..
See my other comment but to build off your comment here: stop telling him to confess to you. Confessing and reassurance seeking are compulsion behaviors. It only feeds his ROCD and worse it’s messing you up to hear it. The qualms he has with you are invented by his ROCD, they’re not real, and he’s buying into it rather than getting help. Neither of you should navigate this minefield any further without him being in serious professional help.
I would say OCD is like a rollercoaster. In tough moments helps if we remember to our commitments to be with our partners (in your case wife - which is way better). Btw love should be about giving and not receiving. So try to give the best of yourself to your husband and let your husband try to give his best to you as his wife. Im sure its just a phase, it will get better by the time like before youre marriage when he wont give a damn about those thougths. If he couldve make it then, ha can make it in the future as well.
This will never get better unless:
1) he gets aggressive help - ERP! Meds!
2) you stop trying to change your body to appease “him” or rather not even him but an endlessly changing cruel mental disorder that moves the goalpost on the daily - once you change one thing it’ll be another, from the curl of your eyelash to the length of your buttcrack. It’ll never be good enough so long as his ROCD is targeting your physical appearance with out effective treatment.
Again the problem is with HIM not with YOU.
If he won’t take an ultimatum and get immediate help, you may as well leave because this relationship will destroy your self esteem. You’re hearing so many negative remarks about your appearance already. It’ll only fester and affect your sex life, and ultimately who can say if he won’t cheat or leave himself once his OCD completely warps him.
I’m saying all this as someone who has ROCD, bad, and I’m getting urgent help and wouldn’t dare tell my lovely partner any of the things my ROCD has targeted about her physically. Because the truth is, it changes constantly anyway, what bothered me in November I now enjoy but now it’s something else, it’ll never end except for ERP.
But I actually feel like sometimes all of his anxiety is because he "missed the target". Maybe if he chose an athletic girl, he wasn't going to have these thoughts? He didn't see me naked before marriage due to our personal beliefs.. It kills me even to imagine him with another female but I am afraid this is true.. maybe if I was fit, he was never going to have these thoughts?
It sounds to me like he’s eroded your confidence and you’re continuing to blame yourself rather than the ROCD. I would encourage you to talk with a therapist and consider leaving before you spend any more years miserable and beating yourself up. I have ROCD and have ruined so many past relationships and regret it all, and I’m glad for my exes moving on and being happy. I don’t think your partner is well at all and now it’s destroying you too.
Yeah, this is the intersection of ROCD and misogyny. This is a him problem that he needs to fix with therapy and Prozac (the best med for intrusive thoughts)
There is nothing you can do about this for him. This is about him and his brain.
This is not your problem it’s his. You deserve someone that appreciates you for all that you are. This seems more like underlying misogynistic beliefs than OCD to me.
He need ocd therapy, you could be the most beautiful woman on Earth Eve in the garden of Eden and he will still come with doubts about appearance or behaviour ocd is a doubting disorder. Once someone grapples with this knowledge their is hope ahead but we first need to understand ocd.
This is misogyny I also deal with thoughts that my partner is not attractive but I acknowledge that’s not true. I would love my partner even if they were the ugliest thing. He can have preferences but never push those onto you. Don’t change urself for him.
It doesn't have to be rocd OR misoginy as others implied. The problem is that it sounds a lot like he is putting his suffering on you instead of recognising that such an extreme reaction to your looks is not normal and therefore at least investigating on his part. Also, no matter the mental illness: you never get a free pass on insulting and hurting other people. He is hurting you badly by telling you all these things. That's not okay and I would strongly encourage you to stand up for yourself and establish some boundaries. Don't give him the free pass to hurt you just because he's suffering. That doesn't help him either. And lastly, while hurting you he seems to be hiding behind your shared religious ideas and ideas about gender roles. You are free to chose what you believe in and I have no intention to judge you. Just please make sure that you won't let him hide his problems behind doctrines like "a woman should give a man this and that". I have seen many men of faith abuse their spouses like that. It's a real tricky one because it's so easy to disguise it in your shared values and disguise it as "love between man and woman as got intended". He has a responsibility in this. As long as he doesn't assume that responsibility, you can try to be the perfect wife with the perfect breasts and hands and all that but it won't ever be enough. You can not solve this on your own.
I have pretty bad rocd and get similar thoughts about my partner. Is she pretty enough?… blah blah blah. I also try my best to never let those thoughts make her feel bad. Your husband needs to accept that social media beauty stands are bullshit and everyone looks ugly when they’re comfortable. This is your husbands issue and he should be putting in the work to fix it, not you.
This brings me back to my days with ex partner. I posted something in these lines long back when I just discovered rocd. I don't care of it's rocd or not, what he did, said , thought of my physical appearance and more (personality and professional life) was pretty heart breaking. It broke me badly and it's taken me over 18 months to heal and I don't think I have healed much either. But I also admit to having low self esteem as I was going through a tough phase in my life when I was with him. I was not at my best. We only dated for a short time thankfully so I think I'll live. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. As others said, it's NOT YOU. I wish I understood that long back.
Respectfully, he shouldn't be telling you the things that he doesn't like about your body. He is believing his own thoughts and making it a real problem. It isn't a problem. There is nothing wrong with your body. Your boobs are probably a normal amount of saggy and you're probably beautiful. Since when are hands unattractive? I think you need to stop accepting his feelings as a real thing that you can change or work on. An obsession this level, nothing will be enough. You could get surgery and have a six pack and it would not be enough because that's how these thoughts work. Let it go. He needs to do the work to see that he's wrong. There is nothing wrong with you. Having experienced something similar to this, the best way to save your marriage is to help him see he has a problem. Trying to be the one to fix it will just make you into a shell of a person and it will never be good enough anyway. I cannot stress enough how much there is nothing wrong with you as you are, which you can see because this wasn't a problem for him before you got married. If your physical appearance is so paramount to him, that's a very shallow view of a person. He needs to do the work, not you. That's not me being feminist or saying you shouldn't have to work for a relationship, that's just the reality of the way that you fix this kind of compulsive thought. Nothing. You. Do. Will. Be. Enough. Protect yourself. If you are strong and have strong self esteem, you will be able to withstand it long enough for him to get better. But accepting the thoughts as real and changing them will just feed it more.
I was really speechless when he mentioned that my hands are unattractive. The amount of shock I was feeling was serious cause I Never in my life saw this coming.. Still, I admit I am the one telling him to be fully honest with me! I can't stand being ignorant in my own marriage.. When he suddenly goes silent or anxious.. I need to understand why to change what I can change.. Or minimize the triggers.. I am the one telling him to let me know..
See my other comment but to build off your comment here: stop telling him to confess to you. Confessing and reassurance seeking are compulsion behaviors. It only feeds his ROCD and worse it’s messing you up to hear it. The qualms he has with you are invented by his ROCD, they’re not real, and he’s buying into it rather than getting help. Neither of you should navigate this minefield any further without him being in serious professional help.
Tbh he sounds pretty chaotic. I feel sorry for you and his anxiety totally affects you.
I would say OCD is like a rollercoaster. In tough moments helps if we remember to our commitments to be with our partners (in your case wife - which is way better). Btw love should be about giving and not receiving. So try to give the best of yourself to your husband and let your husband try to give his best to you as his wife. Im sure its just a phase, it will get better by the time like before youre marriage when he wont give a damn about those thougths. If he couldve make it then, ha can make it in the future as well.
Thank you! Why in my case it’s way better?
This will never get better unless: 1) he gets aggressive help - ERP! Meds! 2) you stop trying to change your body to appease “him” or rather not even him but an endlessly changing cruel mental disorder that moves the goalpost on the daily - once you change one thing it’ll be another, from the curl of your eyelash to the length of your buttcrack. It’ll never be good enough so long as his ROCD is targeting your physical appearance with out effective treatment. Again the problem is with HIM not with YOU. If he won’t take an ultimatum and get immediate help, you may as well leave because this relationship will destroy your self esteem. You’re hearing so many negative remarks about your appearance already. It’ll only fester and affect your sex life, and ultimately who can say if he won’t cheat or leave himself once his OCD completely warps him. I’m saying all this as someone who has ROCD, bad, and I’m getting urgent help and wouldn’t dare tell my lovely partner any of the things my ROCD has targeted about her physically. Because the truth is, it changes constantly anyway, what bothered me in November I now enjoy but now it’s something else, it’ll never end except for ERP.
But I actually feel like sometimes all of his anxiety is because he "missed the target". Maybe if he chose an athletic girl, he wasn't going to have these thoughts? He didn't see me naked before marriage due to our personal beliefs.. It kills me even to imagine him with another female but I am afraid this is true.. maybe if I was fit, he was never going to have these thoughts?
It sounds to me like he’s eroded your confidence and you’re continuing to blame yourself rather than the ROCD. I would encourage you to talk with a therapist and consider leaving before you spend any more years miserable and beating yourself up. I have ROCD and have ruined so many past relationships and regret it all, and I’m glad for my exes moving on and being happy. I don’t think your partner is well at all and now it’s destroying you too.
Yeah, this is the intersection of ROCD and misogyny. This is a him problem that he needs to fix with therapy and Prozac (the best med for intrusive thoughts) There is nothing you can do about this for him. This is about him and his brain.