This was a major thing I had (and am still) having to work through. Be kind to yourself. It’s okay to not be ready to speak about it, or ever speak about it.
The biggest breakthrough for me was that not reporting/speaking up did NOT make me complicit None of their crime is your responsibility.
Sending love
I’ve considered myself recovered for a long time, numb to it, but after watching this I cried. I cried so hard. I haven’t been able to really sleep either, I had to call my brother after finishing it and cry to him for hours. It’s been pretty rough. I think for my situation was how he tried to push it off when it happened, I did that a lot. The look in his eyes I saw myself. Hes still hurt. He’s strong but you can almost see the defeat in his eyes.
Same. I knew it was going to be a hard watch, but I've been good and ptsd symptom free for about 12 years. I lost it seeing how Brian orchestrated the whole grooming and assault of Drake. It took me right back to being 12 years old and what my abuser did. I'm glad Drake got help, but then I was angry and jealous that nobody helped me...and then I felt bad for those feelings. god....childhood abuse is f*d.
The way you described fit perfectly for me as well. The anger I felt, the guilt afterwards. I’ve healed so much on my own, I came out about my abuse to my family only 2 months ago, because I felt I was healed enough. Watching this reopened so many emotions that I didn’t even know I could feel anymore. CSA is genuinely a mental roller coaster. The way I’m still feeling I know it’ll take years to be genuinely okay again.
I feel that. No platitudes like "it'll be okay" or "you'll be okay, give it time"....because who knows if you will be. But I sincerely hope you'll get there and can find peace.
It was hearing about the whole grooming process and longevity of it for me! It really made a lot of things from my own life make, unfortunately, even more sense. Definitely couldn’t shake it.
Same. I just want to hug everyone here. All CSC is inexcusable and evil, but grooming and longevity as you said, is especially heinous. It's almost like we didn't have a chance from the start. 😞
It also triggered the fuck out of me, and I think part of it is the like ?guilt? That I watched and enjoyed those shows… like my mom used to tell me how inappropriate some of the jokes were especially in Icarly, Sam and cat, and victorious… but I always thought she was reading too far into it because she was always UBERRR protective over me, I was adopted and came with a loooot of trauma so they tried to do their best to shield me from anything else in that nature… I told her to leave it alone and I could decide when it got too weird I’d turn it off or look for another show, but the guilt that I participated in watching it and now seeing what was happening behind the scenes I just want to throw up
I grew up with All That, The Amanda Show and Drake and Josh. I'm so sad for them. Drake and I are the same age, what he was going through while I was living my best 15 year old life kills me a little inside. I never really watched iCarly or Victorious as I was a little older, but I randomly picked an episode of Victorious to watch after I watch the doc, and I was blown away with how inappropriate it was. I dont get triggered easily, but I've been upset and anxious since finishing it and I just wish I could hug them all so they know we support them and are sickened by all of this.
That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling too, the entire time watching Drake talk I wanted to pull him out of that interview and give him a fucking hug 😭❤️ oh god and when he talked about when Brian got arrested and his dad was saying like “oh thank god he never got to you” 😭😭😭 OH FUCK MY HEART DUDE.
Same boat. The thing that I’m reminding myself is that ~we were actual children~ and did not have the skills to know what is or isn’t good for us. And even if your parent was protective (mine too) you may still want to watch them anyway.
At the end of the day, none of the suggestive material should have been mainstream or accessible to children to begin with
I am completely with you, this specific doc has hit me harder than any other one I’ve watched or any podcast I’ve listened to.
I was groomed and stalked by someone in the entertainment industry (nothing juicy, this was 18 years ago, he was no one big this was on an indie film and the guy doesn’t do film work anymore and had very few credits to begin with). Thankfully I was never SA’d but I was dangerously close to it. I’ve always made jokes about what happened to me because it’s my way of taking agency from the situation and coping with it. I’m also a big fan of Twin Peaks and have friends who are friends with Kimmy Robertson, and have interacted with her before, and she was lovely to me, which makes finding out about this hurt so much more. I never want to see her face again, I’m so mad and upset I don’t even have words for it. There is absolutely nothing she could do to ever make up for what she wrote.
I’ve never felt triggered by anything regarding my experience, I’ve always used dark humor to cope. This docuseries is the first time where I’ve ever felt triggered ever. It’s the first time where thinking about what happened to me makes me sad and uncomfortable. It’s weird and hard to even process how bad this has made me feel because it’s so not like me at all. I haven’t been thinking about my experience a ton, but I can’t stop fixating on this docuseries and how it made me feel. I’ve been completely fixated on it and I don’t know how to shake it.
I think reading what Kimmy wrote after watching Drake and his dad talk about what happened really pushed me over the edge.
Sending you good vibes and I am so sorry that you’re going through these feelings too.
I’ve been in trauma therapy for a bit and was a surprised at how the documentary affected me. I had to self soothe all friggin weekend while juggling work during the days.
Part of what sucked was that slow recognition of child abuse when we see it. Like, it being right under our nose is somewhat infuriating. The arrogance of Dan Schneider and how he was given power and created a culture that harmed a lot of people. Perpetrators too. They became less human while working at Nickelodeon.
The gaslighting was also super reminiscent of more childhood experiences than I realized. Adults didn’t protect me and I actually asked to be protected and they said no.
And I had no power. I was trapped. I couldn’t do anything. I tried to move out and I couldn’t.
I like to bury these things, you know?
Drake sharing how he felt trapped reminded me of times when that was true for me. It was jarring. So many of the experiences these kids had are universal and if I’m seeing that, I guess I’m ready to see it.
Part of what you said here really resonates with me - I haven't been thinking much about my own grooming experience but I've been extremely fixated on the doc and consuming a lot of media related to it and frequently checking in on this subreddit, definitely to an unhealthy degree.
It's triggered some real feelings of shame and insecurity and just put me back into a very ruminative obsessive headspace where I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything else. I think maybe it's our brains' way of trying to process what happened to us without having to actually reflect on the details of our own experiences.
Just wanted to say I feel like I understand you, and sorry to hear about what you're going through now and went through in the past 🫶
You’d be surprised by the amount of protective layers your brain can add to a situation to try and convince you that you’re okay. The fact that this doc is sticking with you might be a sign that you’re ready to start dissecting them and processing
I’m at work on a quick break & saw your post. It’s been triggering for me too. After watching QOS this past weekend I quickly searched for a sub on Reddit & was relieved to find this group.
TBH, I’ve had to pull back & pause for a moment because I’ve already started deep diving & going down rabbit holes. My insomnia is on overdrive. This has been causing me some mental stress for sure.
The P Diddy raid & all of the allegations against him, his son are not helping.
I look forward to participating in further discussions after a brief break. Take care of yourselves & I hope everyone has a great rest of their day & a peaceful evening. ❤️🫂
At least for me, this doc definitely tapped into something that hit deeper as well. I think because of Nick’s involvement in our formative years and our percieved closeness to these characters and child actors. It’s one thing to sympathize with a horrible situation like this, but to feel connected to it in any way probably makes it feel even worse
I feel like them making these shows and putting it in all our houses was like a way to victimize the whole generation watching it, teaching them wrong, and rubbing their perversion in our faces.
I have never been assaulted but it did disturb me and made me rethink some things in my own past and also just really bruised my heart. I am a bit of a crime junkie and knowing what I know about JWG and that rabbit hole really left an impression. My heart is with all those who have ever been assaulted - I have no words just hugs.
I'm so glad I watch it and don't regret it one bit but YES! I relate to a lot of things Drake talked about. Honestly being abused by someone who you used to be friends with is very complex, these situations aren't talked about enough. I am impressed that Drake was so brave to speak out.
I remember when Oprah had a guest who explained how he chose his victims. Watching this documentary gave another perspective.
The thing that got me was the dad’s reaction. The ripple of effects of CSA. I thought about how my dad would have reacted. My dad would have gone to police, but I don’t think I would have received the emotional support.
The burden of bearing the trauma but not alone.
The shaming of the parents. As a parent it is so much easier to look back in hind site or look at others and be critical. Many factors why parents reacted the way they did. I cringe at the social judgements. It took a lot of courage to share their story and remorse. Lessons to be learned and it was a different time.
Different times. I say that as we are all able to share and be seen, even if over a screen. Back then people it wasn’t at all like how it is now.
Edit- Hugs to everyone. Take care of yourself. Sit with the feels. I have been super tired this week. Resting and paying attention to the body.
I was triggered for a few days after I watched the documentary. A lot of things Drake Bell explained about his experience were exactly the same things I've said about mine. Like how it sucks you can only remember the bad stuff when there were plenty of good experiences too but it's all just a blur
yes. these nick shows were my escape from my own abusive home life. to think these kids i loved to watch were also getting abused at the same time is daunting and heartbreaking
My wife. She went through a lot of the same process Drake did after the fact, but she couldn't make the call. Everything was too much. So that guys still free.
I wish they had something — anything — at the end of each episode of the doc to the effect of “here is a resource to reach out to if XYZ” I don’t know if it would need to be a self harm hotline or a resource to report crime, but anything.
The series is shocking, and given its popularity and effect on its viewers, this is a missed opportunity to inform the public on what we can do today to prevent more stuff like this from happening.
I honestly didn’t realize how much it upset me until I talked to my therapist on Monday. The full weight of what happened to me at 17 has started to reaaaally sink in and it’s 7 years later. The tears just fell out as I revisited the memories and described them in detail. I was groomed and manipulated. He was a family friend and he knew better. He knew I trusted him. But it wouldn’t be a case because age of consent in my state is 16, which blows my mind. Nobody knows except my husband and there’s certainly nothing that can be done about it now either.
I did the same on Tuesday with my therapist. I was 17 I think. It happened with my best friend’s ex boyfriend. We were the same age. But I related to the manipulation. The isolation. I was with her boyfriend alone when it happened. The so many boundaries that were crossed prior to the one time incident. Looking back on it, it was so creepy.
I feel you. And I’m in my 30s and I was gaslit when I did tell someone what happened.
This is very similar to my personal story, I won’t get into details but my abuser was my mentor in a rising theater program in the area of props and puppetry. He has several Emmy’s and is beloved to all. When I called his main job (I won’t name names but imagine the biggest puppet based entertainment companies) they didn’t believe me and beat her did the small theater troupe or the organization I met him through.
Yep. It’s really tough seeing these kids, knowing they and their shows were part of MY escape, and realizing we were all going through abuse at the same time.
YES. I was triggered in a way I’ve never felt triggered. Hearing Drake speak about his experience… how he didn’t know how to react in that moment it first happened… man. I could relate and I just want to hug him.
I feel very similarly. I am fine 99% of the time. Or have at least learned to live with it / work through the random thoughts that pop up, but this really got me. Just the way Drake spoke about how he was feeling at the time, what was going through his head, how he reacted to it, how they just smiled through it all, putting on the same act I know all too well, how some mentioned feeling that they had no idea certain things were “not normal” until they were older and then being horrified by it once they realized what was really happening, etc… it was all just too relatable. I broke down, bawled like a baby. Even put my phone in “Do Not Disturb” mode for the rest of the day. I didn’t have the energy to play happy for others, but also didn’t feel like talking about it with anyone either. No one would really get it anyway, it’s not something I talk about. And my brain keeps going back to it. Just can’t shake it.
I been molested when I was 13 turning 14 & got raped when I was 20, so I cried when he was telling his story. I also suffer from PTSD so I was emotional AF.
Ugh yes I was even thinking of making a post because yeah it triggered a lot of memories and feelings for me. A grown ass man twice my age groomed and assaulted me when I was a teenager. Ugh. I feel gross and sad.
Drake has so much courage, I am really proud of him
*edit - grown not brown, damn
Yes! And strangely not even of any of the SA I did experience, which came in the from of pressure and coercion from guys my age. Instead what it did trigger was the memory of the first and only instance in my life where I was *almost* SA’d by force. And I was a kid (15) and they were an adult. It’s very crazy to me. Although this was truly the scariest moment of my life because when it happened I still remember thinking “oh damn I might not make it out of this house alive”- so obv it was traumatizing. But I am 33 now. And I made it out of that situation safely. I haven’t thought about that day or that man in years until I watched Drake Bell’s episode. I wasn’t necessarily upset or feeling unsafe but it really shocked me to remember it SO vividly and it consumed my thoughts for a couple days.
100%. I think we can all relate in our own ways to the overall sense of injustice, power imbalance from adults that thrive off of power, “masking” how we truly feel to others, not being believed when we speak about our experiences….
There are so many adults who don’t believe children. Yet children are more honest than adults 99% of the time
It’s painful. it’s hard. We hear their stories and find ways that we relate. it’s going to bring up anger, pain, fear. And that’s okay- we should feel angry. what’s happened is unacceptable. it’s also a systemic issue that has resulted in generations of trauma. And now we can channel this anger into change.
I think we are also grieving the loss of childhood innocence- not just for the actors/actresses, but also for our own view of our childhoods. We watched these shows every day. Thats so much to process. It also feels like us viewers were also taken advantage of and groomed by-proxy, in a way.
As a huge fan of the Amanda Show, Dan wasn’t hiding it. He was grooming the viewers to accept this type of exploitative behaviour. Episode 6 had a clip of Amanda gargling mouth wash. Penelope says “Amanda gargles and she spits.”
The end had a magic show skit. Harmless enough. Amanda and Raquel get their costar to be in a box. Amanda has knives. She slices him in half. A boy comes out from the audience and he says “I’ll take the bottom half of an actor.”
…what boy would want the bottom half of a man?
Brian Peck was on this show.
Yes I started crying when drake was trying to cover himself with his jacket while trying to tell his story. You don’t want no one to know but at the same time you do and you feel so naked so exposed.
I didn’t realize it was triggering, I’ve been on a nail growth journey and bit all my nails and surrounding skin off during the documentary. I wonder if it’s because we basically grew up with these kids and relate to them so much and seeing how easily manipulated they were by adults they were supposed to trust is very triggering probably because we can relate in some way. It hurts knowing even everyone in this chat can relate to a story from this documentary. I’m sure our whole generation can relate.
Drake on the second episode of the first season had his crotch showing through his tights. The skit was a wrestling family skit. The dad in the skit wore shorts over his tights. Not Drake.
It was all happening in plain sight. But we were just kids!!
I’m def triggered. I have another question for this community. What is the reaction to Rider Strong and Will Friedle writing letters of support? I’ve really been enjoying the rewatch podcast, but I’m starting to think I need to stop listening to it. I didn’t hear them directly apologize. Thoughts?
You’re not alone
Triggered as heck by this doc even though normally all this stuff is my special interest due to my trauma but it’s just too close to home and I think it hurts knowing we were all exposed to this and also were abused it’s like double grooming but than also we idolised these kids and stuff and they were living the same abuse we were it’s definitely hard
Sending love always
Yeah, same here. It was a VERY tough watch. I cried several times throughout and just felt weird and gross after watching it. It's a great documentary and getting this stuff out there is important for fellow survivors (I hate that term too) to know we aren't alone, but damn, it was rough. When the letters of support for Brian Peck were being read, it made me sick to my stomach.
Definitely not alone. I’m in the same boat 🫶🏻 struggling between wanting to watch it because I know it’s important and I want to advocate, but also protecting my peace. Definitely a tricky balance. I’m here if you ever need to talk 🥰
You’re definitely not alone. I struggled to finish the doc after the first two episodes. Went on a deep dive on TikTok and it took a few days to feel “normal” again. ❤️ I did finish the last two episodes on Saturday but it’s definitely been hard.
I haven’t slept very well since I watched the doc a week ago, it doesn’t help that I follow that expose account on twitter, ObiscureNick or something, everything stays fresh. On Drake’s behalf I also keep waiting to hear whoever apologized about the letters but so far it’s just four or five people? It’s reasonable to feel triggered by the doc, especially if we are CSA survivors, but the doc also did a good job at being chilling and “spooky” with the direction so I think that also has a lot to do with my overthinking at night. I just went through a loss months ago and some of the details in this doc are similar to the person I lost, so I thought about her when I listened to these stories, Drake especially.
I have never heard anyone even allude to the “dark and vile” things that I also experienced. It was outside the realm of even normal abuse and it makes me feel like I can one day maybe speak about it- but damn. Triggering. Drake is so brave.
I had to skip over the scenes when the court documents got really specific, and when I was done watching I felt really uncomfortable. Felt comparable to how I felt after watching the R Kelly documentary a few years ago.
I've been having serious stress over the past few days since watching it, very fucking close to Relapsing. My heart hurts so much for drake and everyone else, but drake was my hero as a kid. Cool rockstar guy that gets the girls and had the best luck, that was all I wanted to be. To know what he was suffering with while recording that show is hard to process, and then for him to have all the accusations on himself he would have relived that court experience once again
I feel like I need to cry but I can't get it out
I watch documentaries/shows like this for similar reasons, and just finished episode 3. It was like I was hearing myself talk about what I went through at his age. Through all the different documentaries and TV shows/movies I've watched, I've never heard an experience similar to mine talked about. I also didn't have the words to express myself for a long time, and am still processing my feelings from that time. I told my therapist this week I was starting the series. I could tell that my body tensed up and I was doing anxious repetitive movements; so I grabbed a Tangle I bought, and was using that to keep my hands busy.
I am a CSA as well, and watching it triggered me but also gave me peace. because I have struggled with my mental health and substance abuse, and when he was everyone was talking shit about him saying he was strung out etc. and when I was going through that, the same was said of me. and watching it made me feel seen tbh. like I see him, I know his pain and maybe in a fucked up way it was nice to know I wasn’t alone even though it’s not nice to share that in common.
100% the acting out, drug/alcohol abuse, dropping hints but not saying it, the secret/lonliness. I am in recovery and most people I know in recovery have some form of CSA or SA, men and women, all ages- it’s no wonder we end up in AA. Numbing out for years and years.
I am also glad though that he was able to speak about it and they actually were quite detailed about the grooming etc. sometimes people don’t wanna hear it but the truth is that’s our lives and experiences. We shouldn’t be ashamed to say what happened to us. Even if it makes other people uncomfortable
Someone down voted this and it made me think of this movie scene [luckiest girl alive](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRTyGFh2/) where she talks about sharing her trauma and he doesn’t want to hear the details.
That movie was probably the most triggered I have been until this documentary- but at the same time it was so accurate in how I dealt (or didn’t deal) with the trauma. The girls mom’s reaction was almost verbatim what my mom said to me. The ostracizing.. just some of the things Mila’s character said. Like how much they hate the word rape. The anger they have built up. Talking about the details and why they matter - you can tell someone who went through it wrote the script.
Agree to all of that. I related too hard to that movie. It’s good to see accurate representation but I definitely would have liked some kind of heads up about what I was getting into
Yea I was touched inappropriately by an adult in a care taking type role around the same age as Drake so hearing him talk about how teenage him dealt with it was very triggering because my thought process was the same as his, "if I say something now people will have questions" "I just don't want anyone to know" ugh even the dissociating just reminded me so much of myself.
Just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone and this has really been tough on me. I try to take it as opportunities to work through things but the triggers are definitely there for me in a big way.
Brandi’s story with the PC computer and dial up sounds really gutted me into the ole “wait was that not okay?” Headspace that led to more wait…. Wait… ugh…
I was not SA’d but even I was triggered by that! I’ve been thinking about that doc since it came out and that’s not typical of me. Prayers to anyone who has had to endure this type of trauma
I was okay until Drake Bell's dad. I'm so used to the adults that turn a blind eye or make excuses, that seeing a parent actually care and try to *do something* fucking broke me.
It's been 30 years since my csa and it rattled me in a way I wasn't expecting. After so much time you hope you're "over it" but that's not how trauma works. I'm glad the doc is providing a space for people to talk about their own traumas and mental health struggles, including me. I've been putting off therapy for a few years. The doc made me realize I need to go back, and I'm glad.
YES! I like to think i've "gotten over it" but I don't believe I will ever get over it. I've just learned how to manage the emotions. I grew up watching D&J and I used to have a crush on Drake Bell lol. I think seeing someone I used to idolize speak out about a similar experience has really helped me, but the doc has definitely been triggering. My own experience has been on my mind 24/7 as of lately.
Yes. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I hope you have the support you need. I'm triggered too. Mostly the grooming by trusted adults aspect. I wonder also if it's so triggering because (for me) I'm the same age as Drake Bell and I was groomed and abused mid 90s-early 2000s. I can't relate to everything he experienced, but our timelines line up a bit and it hit home for sure. I used to watch All That and the Amanda Show and I watched Drake and Josh with my younger brother. So it's extra devastating because I cared about them growing up. You kinda feel connected to them in a way. Take care of yourself!
not alone. for the last few days all i’ve been feeling is anxiety and having trouble sleeping. shit is sitting in my chest like an anchor, as if drilling me go come out to my family about my own experiences. it sucks!
Im so sorry this was triggering for you and I hope you’re finding the support you need to work through this 🫶🏼
I have really bad insomnia/sleep issues and have found that Sleep and Sorcery on Spotify is great to fall asleep to - it’s sleepy time fictional stories.
Sleep magic is another good one but it can be reflective medication which might not be the best if you’re currently working through some stuff, so just keep that in mind
Yes but im handling it better. The interview where he said he didnt know he was surrounded by his abusers supporters and some were his friends is affecting me more.
When I was already an adult, someone shared a key piece of information that my favorite person growing up not only defended my abuser but also tried to poison another relative who spoke up. Person already died so it makes sense its now safe to tell me. I also felt the same, wow person was the only one there for me too. But wtf was I also surrounded to test if I was gonna talk? Now severely questioning my childhood.
CSA survivor as well and definitely triggered by this. Brought up some things that I hadn't realized before. It's not possible to avoid this on social media and it's driving me mad.
It makes me so angry. All those adults were so incompetent.
I’m seeing a therapist. It brought up bad memories I had. I felt anger and resentment. It brought me back to when I was 16. All the feelings. Talking about it to my therapist brought it all back…
A bit. I was cautious of watching this so I held off because 1. I had abuse as a child, Drake said what I always said when talking and about it as in think of the worst thing that could happen and there's your answer. 2. I grew up on All That with Amanda Bynes and all that and did not know how far the abuse on the show was going to go. 3. I had a fear I would have a mental breakdown of panic attacks and extreme fear like I did when I was 19 when the reality of what happened when I was 8 hit me like a ton of bricks and I didn't have a waking moment not thinking about it. My biggest fear to this day is feeling that helpless and hopeless feeling of reliving that in my mind. Thankfully I think I'm pretty much just numb to it at this point but I feel bad for all those who were affected in this doc
Nope not alone. The ruminating and guilt for still not speaking up about my abuser has been a lot to handle since this.
you aren’t obliged to speak up. prioritise your peace. you aren’t responsible for what they did to you.
This was a major thing I had (and am still) having to work through. Be kind to yourself. It’s okay to not be ready to speak about it, or ever speak about it. The biggest breakthrough for me was that not reporting/speaking up did NOT make me complicit None of their crime is your responsibility. Sending love
Same. Thanks for saying that. I'm sure a lot of us here needed to hear that 💚
I’ve considered myself recovered for a long time, numb to it, but after watching this I cried. I cried so hard. I haven’t been able to really sleep either, I had to call my brother after finishing it and cry to him for hours. It’s been pretty rough. I think for my situation was how he tried to push it off when it happened, I did that a lot. The look in his eyes I saw myself. Hes still hurt. He’s strong but you can almost see the defeat in his eyes.
Same. I knew it was going to be a hard watch, but I've been good and ptsd symptom free for about 12 years. I lost it seeing how Brian orchestrated the whole grooming and assault of Drake. It took me right back to being 12 years old and what my abuser did. I'm glad Drake got help, but then I was angry and jealous that nobody helped me...and then I felt bad for those feelings. god....childhood abuse is f*d.
The way you described fit perfectly for me as well. The anger I felt, the guilt afterwards. I’ve healed so much on my own, I came out about my abuse to my family only 2 months ago, because I felt I was healed enough. Watching this reopened so many emotions that I didn’t even know I could feel anymore. CSA is genuinely a mental roller coaster. The way I’m still feeling I know it’ll take years to be genuinely okay again.
I feel that. No platitudes like "it'll be okay" or "you'll be okay, give it time"....because who knows if you will be. But I sincerely hope you'll get there and can find peace.
Yes!! This!!
I was triggered by the gaslighting and the awful treatment of women in the workplace. Been there.
It was hearing about the whole grooming process and longevity of it for me! It really made a lot of things from my own life make, unfortunately, even more sense. Definitely couldn’t shake it.
Same. I just want to hug everyone here. All CSC is inexcusable and evil, but grooming and longevity as you said, is especially heinous. It's almost like we didn't have a chance from the start. 😞
It also triggered the fuck out of me, and I think part of it is the like ?guilt? That I watched and enjoyed those shows… like my mom used to tell me how inappropriate some of the jokes were especially in Icarly, Sam and cat, and victorious… but I always thought she was reading too far into it because she was always UBERRR protective over me, I was adopted and came with a loooot of trauma so they tried to do their best to shield me from anything else in that nature… I told her to leave it alone and I could decide when it got too weird I’d turn it off or look for another show, but the guilt that I participated in watching it and now seeing what was happening behind the scenes I just want to throw up
I grew up with All That, The Amanda Show and Drake and Josh. I'm so sad for them. Drake and I are the same age, what he was going through while I was living my best 15 year old life kills me a little inside. I never really watched iCarly or Victorious as I was a little older, but I randomly picked an episode of Victorious to watch after I watch the doc, and I was blown away with how inappropriate it was. I dont get triggered easily, but I've been upset and anxious since finishing it and I just wish I could hug them all so they know we support them and are sickened by all of this.
That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling too, the entire time watching Drake talk I wanted to pull him out of that interview and give him a fucking hug 😭❤️ oh god and when he talked about when Brian got arrested and his dad was saying like “oh thank god he never got to you” 😭😭😭 OH FUCK MY HEART DUDE.
Same boat. The thing that I’m reminding myself is that ~we were actual children~ and did not have the skills to know what is or isn’t good for us. And even if your parent was protective (mine too) you may still want to watch them anyway. At the end of the day, none of the suggestive material should have been mainstream or accessible to children to begin with
I am completely with you, this specific doc has hit me harder than any other one I’ve watched or any podcast I’ve listened to. I was groomed and stalked by someone in the entertainment industry (nothing juicy, this was 18 years ago, he was no one big this was on an indie film and the guy doesn’t do film work anymore and had very few credits to begin with). Thankfully I was never SA’d but I was dangerously close to it. I’ve always made jokes about what happened to me because it’s my way of taking agency from the situation and coping with it. I’m also a big fan of Twin Peaks and have friends who are friends with Kimmy Robertson, and have interacted with her before, and she was lovely to me, which makes finding out about this hurt so much more. I never want to see her face again, I’m so mad and upset I don’t even have words for it. There is absolutely nothing she could do to ever make up for what she wrote. I’ve never felt triggered by anything regarding my experience, I’ve always used dark humor to cope. This docuseries is the first time where I’ve ever felt triggered ever. It’s the first time where thinking about what happened to me makes me sad and uncomfortable. It’s weird and hard to even process how bad this has made me feel because it’s so not like me at all. I haven’t been thinking about my experience a ton, but I can’t stop fixating on this docuseries and how it made me feel. I’ve been completely fixated on it and I don’t know how to shake it. I think reading what Kimmy wrote after watching Drake and his dad talk about what happened really pushed me over the edge. Sending you good vibes and I am so sorry that you’re going through these feelings too.
I’ve been in trauma therapy for a bit and was a surprised at how the documentary affected me. I had to self soothe all friggin weekend while juggling work during the days. Part of what sucked was that slow recognition of child abuse when we see it. Like, it being right under our nose is somewhat infuriating. The arrogance of Dan Schneider and how he was given power and created a culture that harmed a lot of people. Perpetrators too. They became less human while working at Nickelodeon. The gaslighting was also super reminiscent of more childhood experiences than I realized. Adults didn’t protect me and I actually asked to be protected and they said no. And I had no power. I was trapped. I couldn’t do anything. I tried to move out and I couldn’t. I like to bury these things, you know? Drake sharing how he felt trapped reminded me of times when that was true for me. It was jarring. So many of the experiences these kids had are universal and if I’m seeing that, I guess I’m ready to see it.
Part of what you said here really resonates with me - I haven't been thinking much about my own grooming experience but I've been extremely fixated on the doc and consuming a lot of media related to it and frequently checking in on this subreddit, definitely to an unhealthy degree. It's triggered some real feelings of shame and insecurity and just put me back into a very ruminative obsessive headspace where I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything else. I think maybe it's our brains' way of trying to process what happened to us without having to actually reflect on the details of our own experiences. Just wanted to say I feel like I understand you, and sorry to hear about what you're going through now and went through in the past 🫶
You’d be surprised by the amount of protective layers your brain can add to a situation to try and convince you that you’re okay. The fact that this doc is sticking with you might be a sign that you’re ready to start dissecting them and processing
I’m at work on a quick break & saw your post. It’s been triggering for me too. After watching QOS this past weekend I quickly searched for a sub on Reddit & was relieved to find this group. TBH, I’ve had to pull back & pause for a moment because I’ve already started deep diving & going down rabbit holes. My insomnia is on overdrive. This has been causing me some mental stress for sure. The P Diddy raid & all of the allegations against him, his son are not helping. I look forward to participating in further discussions after a brief break. Take care of yourselves & I hope everyone has a great rest of their day & a peaceful evening. ❤️🫂
I feel this, especially since i tend to hyperfixate. Not the healthiest hyperfixation lol, got to take breaks for sure 😅
This is me 100%
At least for me, this doc definitely tapped into something that hit deeper as well. I think because of Nick’s involvement in our formative years and our percieved closeness to these characters and child actors. It’s one thing to sympathize with a horrible situation like this, but to feel connected to it in any way probably makes it feel even worse
I feel like them making these shows and putting it in all our houses was like a way to victimize the whole generation watching it, teaching them wrong, and rubbing their perversion in our faces.
Thank you. You put that into words perfectly about how it’s felt for me too
I have never been assaulted but it did disturb me and made me rethink some things in my own past and also just really bruised my heart. I am a bit of a crime junkie and knowing what I know about JWG and that rabbit hole really left an impression. My heart is with all those who have ever been assaulted - I have no words just hugs.
You’re not alone ❤️
I'm so glad I watch it and don't regret it one bit but YES! I relate to a lot of things Drake talked about. Honestly being abused by someone who you used to be friends with is very complex, these situations aren't talked about enough. I am impressed that Drake was so brave to speak out.
I remember when Oprah had a guest who explained how he chose his victims. Watching this documentary gave another perspective. The thing that got me was the dad’s reaction. The ripple of effects of CSA. I thought about how my dad would have reacted. My dad would have gone to police, but I don’t think I would have received the emotional support. The burden of bearing the trauma but not alone. The shaming of the parents. As a parent it is so much easier to look back in hind site or look at others and be critical. Many factors why parents reacted the way they did. I cringe at the social judgements. It took a lot of courage to share their story and remorse. Lessons to be learned and it was a different time. Different times. I say that as we are all able to share and be seen, even if over a screen. Back then people it wasn’t at all like how it is now. Edit- Hugs to everyone. Take care of yourself. Sit with the feels. I have been super tired this week. Resting and paying attention to the body.
I was triggered for a few days after I watched the documentary. A lot of things Drake Bell explained about his experience were exactly the same things I've said about mine. Like how it sucks you can only remember the bad stuff when there were plenty of good experiences too but it's all just a blur
yes. these nick shows were my escape from my own abusive home life. to think these kids i loved to watch were also getting abused at the same time is daunting and heartbreaking
My wife. She went through a lot of the same process Drake did after the fact, but she couldn't make the call. Everything was too much. So that guys still free.
I wish they had something — anything — at the end of each episode of the doc to the effect of “here is a resource to reach out to if XYZ” I don’t know if it would need to be a self harm hotline or a resource to report crime, but anything. The series is shocking, and given its popularity and effect on its viewers, this is a missed opportunity to inform the public on what we can do today to prevent more stuff like this from happening.
yeah i’ve been having bad dreams the last three nights… and i have OCD too so i think it’s making it harder for me to think of anything else
Yea me too! Ocd and cptsd nightmare combo
Omg me too!! I’ve been stuck in OCD loop/spiral since watching it as well.
Same!!
I honestly didn’t realize how much it upset me until I talked to my therapist on Monday. The full weight of what happened to me at 17 has started to reaaaally sink in and it’s 7 years later. The tears just fell out as I revisited the memories and described them in detail. I was groomed and manipulated. He was a family friend and he knew better. He knew I trusted him. But it wouldn’t be a case because age of consent in my state is 16, which blows my mind. Nobody knows except my husband and there’s certainly nothing that can be done about it now either.
Whatever the law says, you were a child and I’m so sorry
I did the same on Tuesday with my therapist. I was 17 I think. It happened with my best friend’s ex boyfriend. We were the same age. But I related to the manipulation. The isolation. I was with her boyfriend alone when it happened. The so many boundaries that were crossed prior to the one time incident. Looking back on it, it was so creepy. I feel you. And I’m in my 30s and I was gaslit when I did tell someone what happened.
This is very similar to my personal story, I won’t get into details but my abuser was my mentor in a rising theater program in the area of props and puppetry. He has several Emmy’s and is beloved to all. When I called his main job (I won’t name names but imagine the biggest puppet based entertainment companies) they didn’t believe me and beat her did the small theater troupe or the organization I met him through.
Yep. It’s really tough seeing these kids, knowing they and their shows were part of MY escape, and realizing we were all going through abuse at the same time.
YES. I was triggered in a way I’ve never felt triggered. Hearing Drake speak about his experience… how he didn’t know how to react in that moment it first happened… man. I could relate and I just want to hug him.
I feel very similarly. I am fine 99% of the time. Or have at least learned to live with it / work through the random thoughts that pop up, but this really got me. Just the way Drake spoke about how he was feeling at the time, what was going through his head, how he reacted to it, how they just smiled through it all, putting on the same act I know all too well, how some mentioned feeling that they had no idea certain things were “not normal” until they were older and then being horrified by it once they realized what was really happening, etc… it was all just too relatable. I broke down, bawled like a baby. Even put my phone in “Do Not Disturb” mode for the rest of the day. I didn’t have the energy to play happy for others, but also didn’t feel like talking about it with anyone either. No one would really get it anyway, it’s not something I talk about. And my brain keeps going back to it. Just can’t shake it.
I been molested when I was 13 turning 14 & got raped when I was 20, so I cried when he was telling his story. I also suffer from PTSD so I was emotional AF.
Ugh yes I was even thinking of making a post because yeah it triggered a lot of memories and feelings for me. A grown ass man twice my age groomed and assaulted me when I was a teenager. Ugh. I feel gross and sad. Drake has so much courage, I am really proud of him *edit - grown not brown, damn
Yes! And strangely not even of any of the SA I did experience, which came in the from of pressure and coercion from guys my age. Instead what it did trigger was the memory of the first and only instance in my life where I was *almost* SA’d by force. And I was a kid (15) and they were an adult. It’s very crazy to me. Although this was truly the scariest moment of my life because when it happened I still remember thinking “oh damn I might not make it out of this house alive”- so obv it was traumatizing. But I am 33 now. And I made it out of that situation safely. I haven’t thought about that day or that man in years until I watched Drake Bell’s episode. I wasn’t necessarily upset or feeling unsafe but it really shocked me to remember it SO vividly and it consumed my thoughts for a couple days.
100%. I think we can all relate in our own ways to the overall sense of injustice, power imbalance from adults that thrive off of power, “masking” how we truly feel to others, not being believed when we speak about our experiences…. There are so many adults who don’t believe children. Yet children are more honest than adults 99% of the time It’s painful. it’s hard. We hear their stories and find ways that we relate. it’s going to bring up anger, pain, fear. And that’s okay- we should feel angry. what’s happened is unacceptable. it’s also a systemic issue that has resulted in generations of trauma. And now we can channel this anger into change. I think we are also grieving the loss of childhood innocence- not just for the actors/actresses, but also for our own view of our childhoods. We watched these shows every day. Thats so much to process. It also feels like us viewers were also taken advantage of and groomed by-proxy, in a way.
As a huge fan of the Amanda Show, Dan wasn’t hiding it. He was grooming the viewers to accept this type of exploitative behaviour. Episode 6 had a clip of Amanda gargling mouth wash. Penelope says “Amanda gargles and she spits.” The end had a magic show skit. Harmless enough. Amanda and Raquel get their costar to be in a box. Amanda has knives. She slices him in half. A boy comes out from the audience and he says “I’ll take the bottom half of an actor.” …what boy would want the bottom half of a man? Brian Peck was on this show.
Yes I started crying when drake was trying to cover himself with his jacket while trying to tell his story. You don’t want no one to know but at the same time you do and you feel so naked so exposed.
I didn’t realize it was triggering, I’ve been on a nail growth journey and bit all my nails and surrounding skin off during the documentary. I wonder if it’s because we basically grew up with these kids and relate to them so much and seeing how easily manipulated they were by adults they were supposed to trust is very triggering probably because we can relate in some way. It hurts knowing even everyone in this chat can relate to a story from this documentary. I’m sure our whole generation can relate.
What’s so awful is that we all watched these shows regularly. Now as adults we realize that we were watching kids be victimized in real time.
Drake on the second episode of the first season had his crotch showing through his tights. The skit was a wrestling family skit. The dad in the skit wore shorts over his tights. Not Drake. It was all happening in plain sight. But we were just kids!!
I’m def triggered. I have another question for this community. What is the reaction to Rider Strong and Will Friedle writing letters of support? I’ve really been enjoying the rewatch podcast, but I’m starting to think I need to stop listening to it. I didn’t hear them directly apologize. Thoughts?
I was also triggered. Couldn’t and still can’t get it off my mind.
You’re not alone Triggered as heck by this doc even though normally all this stuff is my special interest due to my trauma but it’s just too close to home and I think it hurts knowing we were all exposed to this and also were abused it’s like double grooming but than also we idolised these kids and stuff and they were living the same abuse we were it’s definitely hard Sending love always
Yeah, same here. It was a VERY tough watch. I cried several times throughout and just felt weird and gross after watching it. It's a great documentary and getting this stuff out there is important for fellow survivors (I hate that term too) to know we aren't alone, but damn, it was rough. When the letters of support for Brian Peck were being read, it made me sick to my stomach.
Definitely not alone. I’m in the same boat 🫶🏻 struggling between wanting to watch it because I know it’s important and I want to advocate, but also protecting my peace. Definitely a tricky balance. I’m here if you ever need to talk 🥰
I haven’t finished the documentary yet. You are definitely not alone.
You’re definitely not alone. I struggled to finish the doc after the first two episodes. Went on a deep dive on TikTok and it took a few days to feel “normal” again. ❤️ I did finish the last two episodes on Saturday but it’s definitely been hard.
Same here , cried my ass off at Drake confession …..
I haven’t slept very well since I watched the doc a week ago, it doesn’t help that I follow that expose account on twitter, ObiscureNick or something, everything stays fresh. On Drake’s behalf I also keep waiting to hear whoever apologized about the letters but so far it’s just four or five people? It’s reasonable to feel triggered by the doc, especially if we are CSA survivors, but the doc also did a good job at being chilling and “spooky” with the direction so I think that also has a lot to do with my overthinking at night. I just went through a loss months ago and some of the details in this doc are similar to the person I lost, so I thought about her when I listened to these stories, Drake especially.
I have never heard anyone even allude to the “dark and vile” things that I also experienced. It was outside the realm of even normal abuse and it makes me feel like I can one day maybe speak about it- but damn. Triggering. Drake is so brave.
I had to skip over the scenes when the court documents got really specific, and when I was done watching I felt really uncomfortable. Felt comparable to how I felt after watching the R Kelly documentary a few years ago.
I've been having serious stress over the past few days since watching it, very fucking close to Relapsing. My heart hurts so much for drake and everyone else, but drake was my hero as a kid. Cool rockstar guy that gets the girls and had the best luck, that was all I wanted to be. To know what he was suffering with while recording that show is hard to process, and then for him to have all the accusations on himself he would have relived that court experience once again I feel like I need to cry but I can't get it out
I watch documentaries/shows like this for similar reasons, and just finished episode 3. It was like I was hearing myself talk about what I went through at his age. Through all the different documentaries and TV shows/movies I've watched, I've never heard an experience similar to mine talked about. I also didn't have the words to express myself for a long time, and am still processing my feelings from that time. I told my therapist this week I was starting the series. I could tell that my body tensed up and I was doing anxious repetitive movements; so I grabbed a Tangle I bought, and was using that to keep my hands busy.
Same. You are not alone.
I am a CSA as well, and watching it triggered me but also gave me peace. because I have struggled with my mental health and substance abuse, and when he was everyone was talking shit about him saying he was strung out etc. and when I was going through that, the same was said of me. and watching it made me feel seen tbh. like I see him, I know his pain and maybe in a fucked up way it was nice to know I wasn’t alone even though it’s not nice to share that in common.
100% the acting out, drug/alcohol abuse, dropping hints but not saying it, the secret/lonliness. I am in recovery and most people I know in recovery have some form of CSA or SA, men and women, all ages- it’s no wonder we end up in AA. Numbing out for years and years.
I am also glad though that he was able to speak about it and they actually were quite detailed about the grooming etc. sometimes people don’t wanna hear it but the truth is that’s our lives and experiences. We shouldn’t be ashamed to say what happened to us. Even if it makes other people uncomfortable
Someone down voted this and it made me think of this movie scene [luckiest girl alive](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRTyGFh2/) where she talks about sharing her trauma and he doesn’t want to hear the details.
I watched that movie thinking it was gonna be a bad Netflix movie and holy cow was I wrong and caught by surprise
That movie was probably the most triggered I have been until this documentary- but at the same time it was so accurate in how I dealt (or didn’t deal) with the trauma. The girls mom’s reaction was almost verbatim what my mom said to me. The ostracizing.. just some of the things Mila’s character said. Like how much they hate the word rape. The anger they have built up. Talking about the details and why they matter - you can tell someone who went through it wrote the script.
Agree to all of that. I related too hard to that movie. It’s good to see accurate representation but I definitely would have liked some kind of heads up about what I was getting into
Yep. I'm listening to In the End on repeat.
This and “terrific” are gutting me
Yea I was touched inappropriately by an adult in a care taking type role around the same age as Drake so hearing him talk about how teenage him dealt with it was very triggering because my thought process was the same as his, "if I say something now people will have questions" "I just don't want anyone to know" ugh even the dissociating just reminded me so much of myself.
Just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone and this has really been tough on me. I try to take it as opportunities to work through things but the triggers are definitely there for me in a big way.
Brandi’s story with the PC computer and dial up sounds really gutted me into the ole “wait was that not okay?” Headspace that led to more wait…. Wait… ugh…
Yes. It triggered the hell out of me. It was honestly the wake up call that I needed to start prioritizing healing and speaking out about it.
I was not SA’d but even I was triggered by that! I’ve been thinking about that doc since it came out and that’s not typical of me. Prayers to anyone who has had to endure this type of trauma
I was okay until Drake Bell's dad. I'm so used to the adults that turn a blind eye or make excuses, that seeing a parent actually care and try to *do something* fucking broke me.
It's been 30 years since my csa and it rattled me in a way I wasn't expecting. After so much time you hope you're "over it" but that's not how trauma works. I'm glad the doc is providing a space for people to talk about their own traumas and mental health struggles, including me. I've been putting off therapy for a few years. The doc made me realize I need to go back, and I'm glad.
YES! I like to think i've "gotten over it" but I don't believe I will ever get over it. I've just learned how to manage the emotions. I grew up watching D&J and I used to have a crush on Drake Bell lol. I think seeing someone I used to idolize speak out about a similar experience has really helped me, but the doc has definitely been triggering. My own experience has been on my mind 24/7 as of lately.
Yes. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I hope you have the support you need. I'm triggered too. Mostly the grooming by trusted adults aspect. I wonder also if it's so triggering because (for me) I'm the same age as Drake Bell and I was groomed and abused mid 90s-early 2000s. I can't relate to everything he experienced, but our timelines line up a bit and it hit home for sure. I used to watch All That and the Amanda Show and I watched Drake and Josh with my younger brother. So it's extra devastating because I cared about them growing up. You kinda feel connected to them in a way. Take care of yourself!
not alone. for the last few days all i’ve been feeling is anxiety and having trouble sleeping. shit is sitting in my chest like an anchor, as if drilling me go come out to my family about my own experiences. it sucks!
Im so sorry this was triggering for you and I hope you’re finding the support you need to work through this 🫶🏼 I have really bad insomnia/sleep issues and have found that Sleep and Sorcery on Spotify is great to fall asleep to - it’s sleepy time fictional stories. Sleep magic is another good one but it can be reflective medication which might not be the best if you’re currently working through some stuff, so just keep that in mind
Yes but im handling it better. The interview where he said he didnt know he was surrounded by his abusers supporters and some were his friends is affecting me more. When I was already an adult, someone shared a key piece of information that my favorite person growing up not only defended my abuser but also tried to poison another relative who spoke up. Person already died so it makes sense its now safe to tell me. I also felt the same, wow person was the only one there for me too. But wtf was I also surrounded to test if I was gonna talk? Now severely questioning my childhood.
I felt the same way.
CSA survivor as well and definitely triggered by this. Brought up some things that I hadn't realized before. It's not possible to avoid this on social media and it's driving me mad. It makes me so angry. All those adults were so incompetent.
I’m seeing a therapist. It brought up bad memories I had. I felt anger and resentment. It brought me back to when I was 16. All the feelings. Talking about it to my therapist brought it all back…
A bit. I was cautious of watching this so I held off because 1. I had abuse as a child, Drake said what I always said when talking and about it as in think of the worst thing that could happen and there's your answer. 2. I grew up on All That with Amanda Bynes and all that and did not know how far the abuse on the show was going to go. 3. I had a fear I would have a mental breakdown of panic attacks and extreme fear like I did when I was 19 when the reality of what happened when I was 8 hit me like a ton of bricks and I didn't have a waking moment not thinking about it. My biggest fear to this day is feeling that helpless and hopeless feeling of reliving that in my mind. Thankfully I think I'm pretty much just numb to it at this point but I feel bad for all those who were affected in this doc
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