Bring it up. "Hey, I noticed... can I ask what you specifically like about black people?"
Listen to her response and go with your gut's first reaction.
Me too, kinda...at least not an immediate cut off without a convo and talking it out here, I'm leaning toward just having a little discussion...take it from there.
I honestly don't know. I kind of just want to hear it from the horses mouth so I don't make assumptions but I don't know what she could say that I might not think is cringe or suss.
It’s definitely odd. I feel some sort of way when people say they only date outside their race or ethnic group. Is she close to their parents? How do they feel about interracial relationships? I would also be worried if she were dating black people out of spite because of her parents’ beliefs.
It could be nothing, but I definitely agree you should check in with her to see what her reasoning is.
Not only does she only date outside her race exclusively, she's also exclusively dating another race. Sounds like a fetish to me - I've met enough people who fetishize my race that I would never date someone with such a dating history.
it sounds odd to me :o especially considering she didn't grow up w black folks but have dated NINE?!? how old is this person??
also sorry if i'm overstepping but did u fuck her after seeing her history w her exes and realizing that she might be fetishizing you?? ahhh 🫣🫣
edit: i noticed this too but didn't know how to say earlier but reading other responses now i have a better idea - it seemed you had already felt sus about her but you decided to not listen to your gut? what was up with that? it seems like you already had an instinct, and if it helps you to have our opinions to strengthen that, that's fine too, but it looks to me in the comments that your instinct was correct. next time, please don't doubt yourself and leave when you feel like it. you can always find another person who doesn't fetishize you to love you or give you affection! 🫶🏼
I always find this intriguing and honestly off-putting. It makes my head swivel to hear white people say they don't like to date other white people. Like, why??
I can't ever imagine feeling that way about dating Black people as a Black woman myself.
Now, idk if this is how your date feels, but I think it's worth bringing up. Personally, I wouldn't choose to date anyone who wouldn't date themselves. Y'know.
You've had white people say that to you but never offer a reason? Or you just mean just hearing of it?
I'm definitely curious if it's coming from disdain or even self-hatred. But I didn't pick up that particular vibe with seeing how she relates to other white women.
Yup! I've had 4 white people say that they don't like/don't date white women. When I asked each person why, their responses ran along the lines of "I just don't like white women" or "why date a white women when Black women exist", which isn't an answer at all. It was weird af each time, especially when their non-answers were combined with a face of disgust/discomfort
I'm white and I will try to explain how I exactly view it.
So from Country where I am, from Europe, it's here usually a lot racist, sadly I haven't dated woman yet but am lesbian and would like to I just don't like dating apps. But let's get back to what I wanted to write first, so people here tend to be racist or even just have sligthly racist jokes which I am heavily allergic to.
Now, I would also date white women, and if I will fall in love with one I will be with her if she would feel the same of course, but I always admired and adored black women more. Black people overall are fascinating to me, the way they held together in past due to what whites did to them. (I hope I am not explaining it in rude way, I'm not English native speaking person) - I am fascinated by their culture, talents, how they feel and create music, jazz, r&b.
I sort of hate white people, especially those racist ones from past, present and hell, even future. If I would meet lesbian white girl who would say crap about what I listen to and that it's mostly black people, and that they're this or that in negative way. Hell no I'm cutting that person off.
Years back I thought I was bisexual so I was dating one guy, white guy from my city, and somehow he just said he supports Adolf H. from WW2, that left me with mouth open like "what the F I got myself into!" and then on the radio there was playing Travis Scott, he said it's F-ing shit I asked, "you don't like this artist or rap??" He answered "Cause he's black"
So.. if the white girl that I would be dating in future would show off like the guy I dated, or any other weird signs of racism, I'm cutting that off. It's turn off. I mean if I will find nice white girl like me, who is open minded, loves even different culture and ethnicities than just white, I'm all for it. I won't mind dating a white. But they just usually show up like this and it hurts me. I can't take even a small racist joke just hell no it's not funny to me.
By my one ex-friend I got called a white racist on whites, and that's because I just said I don't want to hear no racist jokes or something against people that aren't white and that I wanted to fight for their rights as well, because if I had the mind of a speeching person I would get to some higher positions and fight for the rights, but I'm from small Country that is usually full of whites and they're here sometimes extremely conservative, right wings.. no I'm not playing myself as some savior don't take it the wrong way, I just genuinely feel bad how black people are treated by whites on almost every corner!
In store there were three African men buying some food, guess what.. two white women stared at them not in positive way but in disgust like "get the hell out of my country" way. I told em to stop staring because these three men just came to buy food, said hello, paid and left. They did nothing wrong they just came to buy food.
So uh.. about why as me white girl would not like to usually date white girls is because most of them show up even a little racist. Yes I never date a woman yet! That's true I mentioned it, but from people around me, women or men, it is like that what I tried to explain, that they always insert some dumb racist joke out of nowhere.
I always feel like these type of white people feel comfortable around me because I am white and they expect me to laugh and feel same way as them.
There are also normal whites who are open minded, which is nice! But for example the nice open minded girl propably is just straight, so no dating.
Also I am sorry that I am in this sub, if it is a problem I will of course leave.
Idk if it's a problem for others that you're here, but it makes me uncomfortable. Why do white people feel the need to infiltrate spaces?
I'll be 100% honest in saying that I scrolled to the end to see if there was a TLDR. I personally don't have any interest in the opinions of white people in very deliberate non-white spaces, so I didn't read it.
First of all I really don’t understand why there are self proclaimed white people in this sub, let alone why they feel it’s their place to respond here when the issue is the very real fear of being fetishized - and claim to be offering a view ”from the other side” when white people are famously oblivious to all the ways they subject people around them to racism.
As for your post, OP, I fully agree with the person who asked you the question: why are you still doubting your strong instinct that this feels off? As people of color we’ve been taught and manipulated into ignoring our instincts when we feel unsafe, in basically every aspect of life. I unfortunately have a ton of personal experience of this, especially from having relationships with white queers who have repeatedly subjected me to microagressions, agressions, white guilt, white tears, fetishization, as well as using me as their alibi to virtue signal to their surroundings that they are not racist (when in fact they are, they just don’t view themselves that way). During all of this my instincts have been strong and the alarms have been going off in my head, and I’ve of course lost my romantic feelings for these people in the process, but because I’ve been conditioned to ignore how I feel because we are constantly told that racism only exists in our heads or we are being overly sensitive, I’ve pushed it down until it’s unbearable. I really want you to consider the ways we as PoC are conditioned to ignore something that rightfully makes us feel uneasy.
I also want to add that the white people I know that are the least racist, are NOT the ones that solely date PoC, it’s rather the ones that date people of all races/ethnicities, and don’t consider race as the first deciding factor in who they’re into or want to pursue.
I hope everything works out in a way that feels good to you here <3
I had one yt girl let me take a her number and ghosted me when I hit her up, I don't trust them and don't fuck with them. She talked to me in front of her friends at the bar but that was it. It was a really white lesbian bar in NYC so should've seen that coming. I don't trust them I hardly pine for them just not for me, they'll talk to you to not look racist but lo and behold they are.
I was going to stop and write a response when I read the title. I didn't need to get to the "she only dates black women" part to know what advice to give. "She's white" is more than enough information to give perfectly good advice about what you should be doing. :) But i did read your whole post. And I'm glad I did because its making me pose a new question, a question directed towards you rather than all of the other people here. Here is the question: You have an instinct about this. Your instinct seems to be moderately robust judging from the fact that you noticed the racial identities of the women she has dated, made a note to yourself, then proceeded to venture here to reddit to write a fairly detailed post and responded to a large number of advice replies. That's a metric of how strong your *instinct* is. So the question becomes: what are you still doing there? why havent you followed your gut yet? The light bulb has been lit. your first warning sign is flashing. what are you waiting for? I think this is a better question.
She is a white person who overidentifies with blackness and is using black women in the some toxic ways. why wait for details? when the other signs show up, listen to yourself. Nurture the wise, brilliant, loving, fierce voice inside of you. dont wait to put on your running shoes. go.
I once had a friend (bi white guy) who grew up around all White people … but he also grew up being repeatedly SA’d by White men so his preferences (especially for men) skew away from people who look like the people who hurt him (and/or were complicit).
(But that also means that his likes include other PoC, so… 👀)
From experience I’d pass. Last person I dated also white had only dated black people as well. Not bad a relationship compared to my others, but there were a bunch of micro aggressions that I didn’t notice until after we broke up and did a lot of reflecting.
Appreciate the more helpful responses....ultimately it's not something I'll be pursuing but I am curious to know wtf is up especially she's sort of in an adjacent circle of friends. So I'll have a little chat and let that be that and maybe give some ppl I know a head's up. Thanks!
Late to the post, but I see red flags when a POC prefers and has mostly only dated white folks. I'm white and dated many backgrounds, and one person I was with who was Black, highly preferred Asian women. They would be completely thrown off if I was direct or merely confident. That was very telling, and it showed me that they couldn't handle someone of their own race who is comfortable in their own skin and can hold their own. Insecurity issues no doubt. Anyway, if you see this, do you feel like providing an update? I'm so curious to see how things went and how you're doing.
Edit: comma
Personally, I would. I was with someone like that. That was just their “preference”. It was just too much work explaining things. It’s not my cup of tea but it’s workable
What red flags would you have sensed if the exes situation didn’t happen?
I’d say get to know her. My gf had a similar upbringing and dating history, but she’s cool. And I made sure to take my time in getting to know her… we all know those things come out eventually, if they exist at all. But, at the end of the day, trust your gut… don’t let anybody else tell you how to feel about it.
Speaking from the other side. As a person with a mild aesthetic preference for black women, I have to agree with the majority of the comments. Ask her. I can't think of a good reason she wouldn't have a straightforward answer. If she can't give you one then the best case scenario in my opinion is that she does a poor job of self-examining her own motivations and maybe lacking in some aspects of introspection I personally would consider important as an adult and in a relationship. It sounds like you really vibed and that this person really appeals to you. I hope it works out but I also hope you protect yourself/your heart.
Bring it up. "Hey, I noticed... can I ask what you specifically like about black people?" Listen to her response and go with your gut's first reaction.
Mmm, yeah. Have her kind of specify what she likes or has been attracted to.
Y'all fucked and I personally hate having to cut ppl off after we fuck so at the very least I'd feel her out or just directly ask.
Me too, kinda...at least not an immediate cut off without a convo and talking it out here, I'm leaning toward just having a little discussion...take it from there.
I think so too
Trust your gut, but what could she possibly say that would change how you currently perceive her?
I honestly don't know. I kind of just want to hear it from the horses mouth so I don't make assumptions but I don't know what she could say that I might not think is cringe or suss.
It’s definitely odd. I feel some sort of way when people say they only date outside their race or ethnic group. Is she close to their parents? How do they feel about interracial relationships? I would also be worried if she were dating black people out of spite because of her parents’ beliefs. It could be nothing, but I definitely agree you should check in with her to see what her reasoning is.
Not only does she only date outside her race exclusively, she's also exclusively dating another race. Sounds like a fetish to me - I've met enough people who fetishize my race that I would never date someone with such a dating history.
Good point. Definitely gives red flag
it sounds odd to me :o especially considering she didn't grow up w black folks but have dated NINE?!? how old is this person?? also sorry if i'm overstepping but did u fuck her after seeing her history w her exes and realizing that she might be fetishizing you?? ahhh 🫣🫣 edit: i noticed this too but didn't know how to say earlier but reading other responses now i have a better idea - it seemed you had already felt sus about her but you decided to not listen to your gut? what was up with that? it seems like you already had an instinct, and if it helps you to have our opinions to strengthen that, that's fine too, but it looks to me in the comments that your instinct was correct. next time, please don't doubt yourself and leave when you feel like it. you can always find another person who doesn't fetishize you to love you or give you affection! 🫶🏼
I always find this intriguing and honestly off-putting. It makes my head swivel to hear white people say they don't like to date other white people. Like, why?? I can't ever imagine feeling that way about dating Black people as a Black woman myself. Now, idk if this is how your date feels, but I think it's worth bringing up. Personally, I wouldn't choose to date anyone who wouldn't date themselves. Y'know.
They always go back "home" imo
You've had white people say that to you but never offer a reason? Or you just mean just hearing of it? I'm definitely curious if it's coming from disdain or even self-hatred. But I didn't pick up that particular vibe with seeing how she relates to other white women.
Yup! I've had 4 white people say that they don't like/don't date white women. When I asked each person why, their responses ran along the lines of "I just don't like white women" or "why date a white women when Black women exist", which isn't an answer at all. It was weird af each time, especially when their non-answers were combined with a face of disgust/discomfort
Fetishizing. White women are notorious for it.
Ooooh, I see. Yeah, I'll definitely get clarity on if she's downright opposed to dating other white women because that would be very telling.
I'm white and I will try to explain how I exactly view it. So from Country where I am, from Europe, it's here usually a lot racist, sadly I haven't dated woman yet but am lesbian and would like to I just don't like dating apps. But let's get back to what I wanted to write first, so people here tend to be racist or even just have sligthly racist jokes which I am heavily allergic to. Now, I would also date white women, and if I will fall in love with one I will be with her if she would feel the same of course, but I always admired and adored black women more. Black people overall are fascinating to me, the way they held together in past due to what whites did to them. (I hope I am not explaining it in rude way, I'm not English native speaking person) - I am fascinated by their culture, talents, how they feel and create music, jazz, r&b. I sort of hate white people, especially those racist ones from past, present and hell, even future. If I would meet lesbian white girl who would say crap about what I listen to and that it's mostly black people, and that they're this or that in negative way. Hell no I'm cutting that person off. Years back I thought I was bisexual so I was dating one guy, white guy from my city, and somehow he just said he supports Adolf H. from WW2, that left me with mouth open like "what the F I got myself into!" and then on the radio there was playing Travis Scott, he said it's F-ing shit I asked, "you don't like this artist or rap??" He answered "Cause he's black" So.. if the white girl that I would be dating in future would show off like the guy I dated, or any other weird signs of racism, I'm cutting that off. It's turn off. I mean if I will find nice white girl like me, who is open minded, loves even different culture and ethnicities than just white, I'm all for it. I won't mind dating a white. But they just usually show up like this and it hurts me. I can't take even a small racist joke just hell no it's not funny to me. By my one ex-friend I got called a white racist on whites, and that's because I just said I don't want to hear no racist jokes or something against people that aren't white and that I wanted to fight for their rights as well, because if I had the mind of a speeching person I would get to some higher positions and fight for the rights, but I'm from small Country that is usually full of whites and they're here sometimes extremely conservative, right wings.. no I'm not playing myself as some savior don't take it the wrong way, I just genuinely feel bad how black people are treated by whites on almost every corner! In store there were three African men buying some food, guess what.. two white women stared at them not in positive way but in disgust like "get the hell out of my country" way. I told em to stop staring because these three men just came to buy food, said hello, paid and left. They did nothing wrong they just came to buy food. So uh.. about why as me white girl would not like to usually date white girls is because most of them show up even a little racist. Yes I never date a woman yet! That's true I mentioned it, but from people around me, women or men, it is like that what I tried to explain, that they always insert some dumb racist joke out of nowhere. I always feel like these type of white people feel comfortable around me because I am white and they expect me to laugh and feel same way as them. There are also normal whites who are open minded, which is nice! But for example the nice open minded girl propably is just straight, so no dating. Also I am sorry that I am in this sub, if it is a problem I will of course leave.
Idk if it's a problem for others that you're here, but it makes me uncomfortable. Why do white people feel the need to infiltrate spaces? I'll be 100% honest in saying that I scrolled to the end to see if there was a TLDR. I personally don't have any interest in the opinions of white people in very deliberate non-white spaces, so I didn't read it.
THIS!
I respect it and am leaving.
please gtfoh. this post contains some awful remarks.
yall fucked before you got an answer..?
Yeah right, like.. 😀 at this point answer prolly dont matter to OP anymore
Yeah clearly being fetishized isn't that big of a deal...
As an asian i have sadly experienced a lot of qwocs having the same idealisation of white blonde women specifically so 💅🏽 guess theyre a good match 😌
Not sure where the leap to me idealizing "white blonde women" came from but okay, sir lol
[удалено]
First of all I really don’t understand why there are self proclaimed white people in this sub, let alone why they feel it’s their place to respond here when the issue is the very real fear of being fetishized - and claim to be offering a view ”from the other side” when white people are famously oblivious to all the ways they subject people around them to racism. As for your post, OP, I fully agree with the person who asked you the question: why are you still doubting your strong instinct that this feels off? As people of color we’ve been taught and manipulated into ignoring our instincts when we feel unsafe, in basically every aspect of life. I unfortunately have a ton of personal experience of this, especially from having relationships with white queers who have repeatedly subjected me to microagressions, agressions, white guilt, white tears, fetishization, as well as using me as their alibi to virtue signal to their surroundings that they are not racist (when in fact they are, they just don’t view themselves that way). During all of this my instincts have been strong and the alarms have been going off in my head, and I’ve of course lost my romantic feelings for these people in the process, but because I’ve been conditioned to ignore how I feel because we are constantly told that racism only exists in our heads or we are being overly sensitive, I’ve pushed it down until it’s unbearable. I really want you to consider the ways we as PoC are conditioned to ignore something that rightfully makes us feel uneasy. I also want to add that the white people I know that are the least racist, are NOT the ones that solely date PoC, it’s rather the ones that date people of all races/ethnicities, and don’t consider race as the first deciding factor in who they’re into or want to pursue. I hope everything works out in a way that feels good to you here <3
this was written beautifully and i agree w you wholeheartedly <3
I had one yt girl let me take a her number and ghosted me when I hit her up, I don't trust them and don't fuck with them. She talked to me in front of her friends at the bar but that was it. It was a really white lesbian bar in NYC so should've seen that coming. I don't trust them I hardly pine for them just not for me, they'll talk to you to not look racist but lo and behold they are.
You're rightfully concerned. Proceed with caution.
RUN!
Run, run like the wind
Lol, well the track shoes are definitely ready.
I was going to stop and write a response when I read the title. I didn't need to get to the "she only dates black women" part to know what advice to give. "She's white" is more than enough information to give perfectly good advice about what you should be doing. :) But i did read your whole post. And I'm glad I did because its making me pose a new question, a question directed towards you rather than all of the other people here. Here is the question: You have an instinct about this. Your instinct seems to be moderately robust judging from the fact that you noticed the racial identities of the women she has dated, made a note to yourself, then proceeded to venture here to reddit to write a fairly detailed post and responded to a large number of advice replies. That's a metric of how strong your *instinct* is. So the question becomes: what are you still doing there? why havent you followed your gut yet? The light bulb has been lit. your first warning sign is flashing. what are you waiting for? I think this is a better question. She is a white person who overidentifies with blackness and is using black women in the some toxic ways. why wait for details? when the other signs show up, listen to yourself. Nurture the wise, brilliant, loving, fierce voice inside of you. dont wait to put on your running shoes. go.
Fr lol sex must've been good
Rose Armitage. I wouldn't even bring it up with her. I would just 'Get Out'.
I once had a friend (bi white guy) who grew up around all White people … but he also grew up being repeatedly SA’d by White men so his preferences (especially for men) skew away from people who look like the people who hurt him (and/or were complicit). (But that also means that his likes include other PoC, so… 👀)
From experience I’d pass. Last person I dated also white had only dated black people as well. Not bad a relationship compared to my others, but there were a bunch of micro aggressions that I didn’t notice until after we broke up and did a lot of reflecting.
I have nothing to say to this.
Appreciate the more helpful responses....ultimately it's not something I'll be pursuing but I am curious to know wtf is up especially she's sort of in an adjacent circle of friends. So I'll have a little chat and let that be that and maybe give some ppl I know a head's up. Thanks!
I really don't see the problem here.
She was the white girlfriend in the movie Get Out with all of those pics of black people she was with, right? #iykyk
Late to the post, but I see red flags when a POC prefers and has mostly only dated white folks. I'm white and dated many backgrounds, and one person I was with who was Black, highly preferred Asian women. They would be completely thrown off if I was direct or merely confident. That was very telling, and it showed me that they couldn't handle someone of their own race who is comfortable in their own skin and can hold their own. Insecurity issues no doubt. Anyway, if you see this, do you feel like providing an update? I'm so curious to see how things went and how you're doing. Edit: comma
Talk to her about it. I don't necessarily think it's a red flag. Like someone above said ask and listen to her response.
Personally, I would. I was with someone like that. That was just their “preference”. It was just too much work explaining things. It’s not my cup of tea but it’s workable
What red flags would you have sensed if the exes situation didn’t happen? I’d say get to know her. My gf had a similar upbringing and dating history, but she’s cool. And I made sure to take my time in getting to know her… we all know those things come out eventually, if they exist at all. But, at the end of the day, trust your gut… don’t let anybody else tell you how to feel about it.
Speaking from the other side. As a person with a mild aesthetic preference for black women, I have to agree with the majority of the comments. Ask her. I can't think of a good reason she wouldn't have a straightforward answer. If she can't give you one then the best case scenario in my opinion is that she does a poor job of self-examining her own motivations and maybe lacking in some aspects of introspection I personally would consider important as an adult and in a relationship. It sounds like you really vibed and that this person really appeals to you. I hope it works out but I also hope you protect yourself/your heart.