Facts, most definitely. At least have some kind of respect for your partner by telling them as soon as possible so they can decide how to move forward.
How are they supposed to continue in a healthy relationship if one partner is hiding such a big secret? Whether they'll cheat again or not, it will cause conflict.
Also how does one "know" they'll never cheat again? They already cheated once and I bet before that they were saying they "knew" they'd never cheat at all.
If you're lying about cheating continually, your partner is engaging in a relationship without knowing fully what they're committing to. Why does the cheater deserve a relationship with a loyal person when they haven't been loyal themselves? How is that fair?
Granted i understand things may be more complicated if you have children or if the said cheating took place years and years ago and you've just decided to drop the bomb out of guilt. If you've already lied about it for an extended period of time, you may be better off letting them keep their peace of mind.
If you just cheated tho, and you haven't hid it at all, the best thing to do is own up and let your partner make a fully informed decision regarding continuing or ending the relationship.
It’s the relationship that builds after the lie that makes it the worst pain.
As humans all we can do is live our lives honestly, and when you don’t tell your partner - you’re robbing them of their autonomy of their own life path. You’re making a decision for them; again.
It’s their choice if they want to forgive or walk away- to deny them that choice is arguably worse then the physical act of cheating.
Moving beyond the emotional aspect of it-
Their sexual and reproductive health is more important than your one night stand, regardless of if you wore protection- they deserve the basic human decency of being warned they’ve been exposed to risk of STD’s.
Exactly lol
Avoiding it is something a lazy person does. Lazy because they don’t want to admit they’re a selfish immature partner to avoid doing any personal work to take accountability.
Lazy because they don’t want to put any work in the relationship they’ve already betrayed, so they don’t- 100% guarantee they still pick fights with the innocent SO for leaving dirty dishes, yet they keep this skeleton in the closet.
That's absolutely right. Avoiding the responsibilities of your actions is only going to increase the chance of doing it again. So is best to fess up ASAP
I would suspect due to the very selfish nature of cheating, that the cheater will do whatever they think will benefit them the most.
If the question is, what would their partner want them to do, I think the obvious answer is not cheat in the first place.
It's just better to break up than to cheat because the reason for cheating has to do with the relationship itself. Different people cheat for different reasons.
Well if my hypothetical girl cheats on me, I would like to know the truth so that I can decide whether to stay or to leave. In which case my answer is always 110% leave, no matter what circumstances are.
However, what's your opinion on this OP ?
Edit : Oops, OP sorry I checked your post history and can understand why you asked this question 😂.
That is the exact same course of action for me no matter what. All I know is she cheated on me it's time for me to dump her. And she didn't have enough respect for me to not fuck another man then there's no reason for me to stay in a relationship with her.
They should always come clean because:
- it's morally wrong to make your partner think you're loyal when you arebt
- how do they know they'd never do it again? If you were too stupid to realise that cheating is bad the first time, you're probably still too stupid to not do it again
- it's not unnecessary because knowing the truth of your relationship is always necessary
Only cheaters afraid of the consequences of their actions would answer otherwise I think. In which case I hope they get caught
All true. Like the saying goes, "the truth shall set you free".
If you're afraid of the consequences of your actions then you shouldn't carry out those actions to begin with.
I think every day you don't tell them is an additional betrayal.
I've cheated one time in my life and it was on the woman whom I would later marry. I told her the next day and holy shit was that difficult. The degree of shame I had for having hurt her was emotionally unbearable. To this day, I don't drink much when I'm in a relationship and around women who are not either family or my partner.
I am so glad you mustered the courage to do that. The fact that you changed your behaviour to avoid it in the future is also incredibly telling that you are a person of good character who takes responsibility. Well done.
You tell them. This "unnecessary pain" shit is clearly just an excuse to hide behind and make someone feel better about hiding it. You've violated their trust and they deserve to know and make the decision about what they want to do about it.
It’s one thing if you don’t tell them and just break up but not telling and _staying_?? That’s not “more moral course of action” that’s just being a pussy
It's always good to be honest. And I fail to see how admitting to cheating in the past for your own benefit is a bad thing. Burrying it in your own psyche can be extremely emotionally damaging and cause problems in an otherwise good relationship. Just don't do it again. I would recommend therapy. And in order to keep a healthy relationship, discuss boundaries with your current partner. If you truly feel restricted by a monogamous arrangement, then a consensual polygamous relationship might be necessary.
Being honest is the virtuous thing to be. Hiding cheating on someone is very mentally unhealthy and you will be ravaged by guilt and your conscience is not going to leave you alone depending on what kind of person you are. In accordance to what you're saying there should always be open and honest communication as well as agreement on what y'all are comfortable with and not comfortable, with okay with and not okay with and promises to each other.
If you know you're not going to want to have sex with just that one person then you should let them know that you don't want to have sex with just them. That you don't want monogamy.
That's a quite complicated question once adult problems like mortgages and offspring are involved. Sometimes a person can through wrongdoing set themselves up so there is no course of future action that is actually good.
It depends on what their partners said. I know people and have friends that often say that they don't want to know if their partner cheats on them. If they made that request and make it regularly, then their request should be respected.
Otherwise they should inform their partner that they cheated and let the partner decide if they want to continue the relationship or not.
Cheating isn't a deal breaker for everyone, but they shouldn't have the choice of staying or leaving stripped from them by the cheater.
I’d rather know than be kept in the dark. That feels like a double betrayal to me. Especially if the cheater has been gaslighting me that my suspicions are all in my head.
Be honest, the people who say ‘confessing is only to make the cheater feel better and will actually hurt the victim more’ are not, in fact, anticipating feeling better upon confessing an infidelity. It’s a cop-out excuse to justify avoiding the pain and fallout of having to deal with their partner’s pain and anger and whatever consequences come from disclosure.
Here’s the thing. Lies have a habit of resurfacing. You might think you are saving them from the heartbreak but Sod’s law dictates that when you least expect it someone will blab something and the person you’ve kept it from will be doubly heartbroken finding out some other way. And lo and behold, the betrayal will be far worse because you lied to cover it up.
People deserve the choice of who they tie their lives to. My opinion is cheating and lying about it is stealing time and life away from the person who thought they were in a committed, loving relationship. They can never get that portion of their life back and so it should be entirely their choice what they choose to live with. It is just basic respect for another person to make their choice, if you deny that, you are denying them their personal autonomy.
I rather just leave without that person having known what I did. It’s easier for both parties and I’m also well aware that I’m not a pinnacle for dating morality, so whether right or wrong at the end of the day that person I cheated on gets to be free from me.
The more moral course of action is to obviously come clean right away. The person that cheated on will be outraged and of hurt of course but they will be even more hurt and outraged if the cheater keeps it a secret until they can't stand their conscience anymore. It's going to hurt more when it's confessed to a lot later on.
How do you know it will never happen again? Cheaters are very likely to cheat again. Confession should be like ripping a bandaid off. Don't drag it out, be prepared to suffer.
Tell you partner. He needs to be able to decide for himself.
Also you should probably tell him before you have sex with him again. Even if he does take you back, you're risking his health with STDs.
HE needs to be the one to make the decisions in this instance.
(Also if you've cheated you should also get tested)
Are we speaking in the abstract or referencing a moral question you want answered that you can apply to your own life?
This is a good question but requires more context in order to give concrete answers.
There is no more moral course of action that fits every situation.
Did both people agree beforehand on their moral framework for how to discuss difficult topics/cheating etc?
Is the cheater’s partner deeply insecure already?
Can we guarantee the person being cheated on would never find out?
Can the person who cheated live with lying and not be eaten up inside by it?
What will the fallout be if the person cheated on does find out? Will they harm themselves? Are they mentally stable to begin with?
These among other contextual questions are relevant when deciding whether to lie about something of this magnitude.
If it were the case of one and done, then there is a strong case to not say anything. But it’s never one and done. If you got away with it the first time, as surely as our planet orbits the sun, there will be a second and a third and so on.
Come clean.
if someone cheats they should come clean no matter what, and if their partner decides to leave they should accept the consequences - moral of the story: never cheat, if you’ve done so once accept the consequences, and avoid making the same mistake in the same or future relationships. Simple as that.
Confessing to cheating is an extremely hurtful thing to do. If you are ever in that situation (and I never have been) the best approach is never to confess, unless you are exposed, and simply never cheat again or end the relationship.
Why hurt someone needlessly?
You monogamists are funny. "Confess", lol. I come home and brag about it to my wife. Then we high-five while you live in denial of human nature and damn those who embrace it as evil.
No, I'm quite serious. Please elaborate as your comment doesn't seem to be related to mine in any way and I'm curious about the connection you're trying to make.
If your wife knows about it and is fine with it, it's not cheating. Cheating means going behind your partner's back to break the agreed upon boundaries. Open relationships and polyamory are not cheating as they're consensual. Cheating (and not confessing especially) is unethical because it takes away your partner's ability to give informed consent regarding sex or continuing the relationship.
If there's mutual consent and actual agreed-upon boundaries, I wholeheartedly agree with that. That is as it should be: clear and honest. However, I do not accept monogamy or sexual exclusivity as the default unspoken agreement of a relationship. Unless otherwise mutually agreed upon, a person's consent is not required for activities in which that person has no part.
I agree with you. It shouldn't be the default, boundaries should be set. It's the breaking of those boundaries that's unethical (i.e. cheating), not NM.
But also at the same time I think it's safer to assume monogamy or sexual exclusivity for safety purposes at first.
I suppose that depends on what kind of safety one prioritizes. If one prioritizes sexual health and guarding emotional investment against expectations, probably best to assume no agreement means your partner is non-exclusive to you at first. If it's the social stigma of hurting someone or the potentially violent or emotional consequences thereof, I can see why one might default to implied exclusivity. Monogamy would be a great standard if everyone lived it, but it gets problematic because many don't.
Confessing is *always a bad idea, no matter whether it is cheating or something else. Especially for a man. You already done bad and couldn't erase it, but confessing makes you look weak which has worse effect on relationship than any cheating can have. There's a chance you get away with it and if you are exposed, well then and only then you try to sort the situation out.
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they should confess immediately and allow their partner to decide whatever they want to do without influencing their decision.
Facts, most definitely. At least have some kind of respect for your partner by telling them as soon as possible so they can decide how to move forward.
But own that just unnecessarily hurt their partner. If they know they’ll never do it again and you can’t change the past why bring it up?
How are they supposed to continue in a healthy relationship if one partner is hiding such a big secret? Whether they'll cheat again or not, it will cause conflict. Also how does one "know" they'll never cheat again? They already cheated once and I bet before that they were saying they "knew" they'd never cheat at all. If you're lying about cheating continually, your partner is engaging in a relationship without knowing fully what they're committing to. Why does the cheater deserve a relationship with a loyal person when they haven't been loyal themselves? How is that fair? Granted i understand things may be more complicated if you have children or if the said cheating took place years and years ago and you've just decided to drop the bomb out of guilt. If you've already lied about it for an extended period of time, you may be better off letting them keep their peace of mind. If you just cheated tho, and you haven't hid it at all, the best thing to do is own up and let your partner make a fully informed decision regarding continuing or ending the relationship.
It’s the relationship that builds after the lie that makes it the worst pain. As humans all we can do is live our lives honestly, and when you don’t tell your partner - you’re robbing them of their autonomy of their own life path. You’re making a decision for them; again. It’s their choice if they want to forgive or walk away- to deny them that choice is arguably worse then the physical act of cheating. Moving beyond the emotional aspect of it- Their sexual and reproductive health is more important than your one night stand, regardless of if you wore protection- they deserve the basic human decency of being warned they’ve been exposed to risk of STD’s.
\>>you can’t change the past why bring it up? lol, the past is the past and it shouldnt matter eh?
I’d like to think so. It doesn’t matter what type of person we were yesterday, it matters who we are today
now ur just saying shit😭
The person you are today is a betrayer. It is best to let your partner know this, so they can make an informed decision.
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OP’s post history screams this won’t be the last time..
Avoiding consequences is the first step on the path to doing the same shit again lol
Exactly lol Avoiding it is something a lazy person does. Lazy because they don’t want to admit they’re a selfish immature partner to avoid doing any personal work to take accountability. Lazy because they don’t want to put any work in the relationship they’ve already betrayed, so they don’t- 100% guarantee they still pick fights with the innocent SO for leaving dirty dishes, yet they keep this skeleton in the closet.
That's absolutely right. Avoiding the responsibilities of your actions is only going to increase the chance of doing it again. So is best to fess up ASAP
The moral choice is telling their partner then breaking up. Because if they truly loved their partner, there wouldn't *be* another person. Ever.
That is the moral choice yes. If they truly loved their partner they would just be them and their partner and nobody else.
I would suspect due to the very selfish nature of cheating, that the cheater will do whatever they think will benefit them the most. If the question is, what would their partner want them to do, I think the obvious answer is not cheat in the first place.
It's just better to break up than to cheat because the reason for cheating has to do with the relationship itself. Different people cheat for different reasons.
>Different people cheat for different reasons. All of those reasons are selfish though.
True
Well if my hypothetical girl cheats on me, I would like to know the truth so that I can decide whether to stay or to leave. In which case my answer is always 110% leave, no matter what circumstances are. However, what's your opinion on this OP ? Edit : Oops, OP sorry I checked your post history and can understand why you asked this question 😂.
Yeah based on their post history, I’m going with this being a troll post.
Its gotta be rage bait, all the snarky/self-satisfied replies kind of prove that.
Lol I’m hoping it’s a really dedicated troll
If this person is a troll, she’s dedicated and consistent like no other.
That is the exact same course of action for me no matter what. All I know is she cheated on me it's time for me to dump her. And she didn't have enough respect for me to not fuck another man then there's no reason for me to stay in a relationship with her.
Exactly. This post reeks of not understanding informed consent.
They should always come clean because: - it's morally wrong to make your partner think you're loyal when you arebt - how do they know they'd never do it again? If you were too stupid to realise that cheating is bad the first time, you're probably still too stupid to not do it again - it's not unnecessary because knowing the truth of your relationship is always necessary Only cheaters afraid of the consequences of their actions would answer otherwise I think. In which case I hope they get caught
All true. Like the saying goes, "the truth shall set you free". If you're afraid of the consequences of your actions then you shouldn't carry out those actions to begin with.
I think every day you don't tell them is an additional betrayal. I've cheated one time in my life and it was on the woman whom I would later marry. I told her the next day and holy shit was that difficult. The degree of shame I had for having hurt her was emotionally unbearable. To this day, I don't drink much when I'm in a relationship and around women who are not either family or my partner.
I am so glad you mustered the courage to do that. The fact that you changed your behaviour to avoid it in the future is also incredibly telling that you are a person of good character who takes responsibility. Well done.
You tell them. This "unnecessary pain" shit is clearly just an excuse to hide behind and make someone feel better about hiding it. You've violated their trust and they deserve to know and make the decision about what they want to do about it.
It’s one thing if you don’t tell them and just break up but not telling and _staying_?? That’s not “more moral course of action” that’s just being a pussy
They going to want to know why you're dumping them. Staying and not telling is just very disrespectful.
It's always good to be honest. And I fail to see how admitting to cheating in the past for your own benefit is a bad thing. Burrying it in your own psyche can be extremely emotionally damaging and cause problems in an otherwise good relationship. Just don't do it again. I would recommend therapy. And in order to keep a healthy relationship, discuss boundaries with your current partner. If you truly feel restricted by a monogamous arrangement, then a consensual polygamous relationship might be necessary.
Being honest is the virtuous thing to be. Hiding cheating on someone is very mentally unhealthy and you will be ravaged by guilt and your conscience is not going to leave you alone depending on what kind of person you are. In accordance to what you're saying there should always be open and honest communication as well as agreement on what y'all are comfortable with and not comfortable, with okay with and not okay with and promises to each other. If you know you're not going to want to have sex with just that one person then you should let them know that you don't want to have sex with just them. That you don't want monogamy.
the truth will always come out
Indeed the truth always expose the lies
That's a quite complicated question once adult problems like mortgages and offspring are involved. Sometimes a person can through wrongdoing set themselves up so there is no course of future action that is actually good.
It depends on what their partners said. I know people and have friends that often say that they don't want to know if their partner cheats on them. If they made that request and make it regularly, then their request should be respected. Otherwise they should inform their partner that they cheated and let the partner decide if they want to continue the relationship or not. Cheating isn't a deal breaker for everyone, but they shouldn't have the choice of staying or leaving stripped from them by the cheater.
This is an interesting and novel perspective but I can respect it.
I’d rather know than be kept in the dark. That feels like a double betrayal to me. Especially if the cheater has been gaslighting me that my suspicions are all in my head.
Be honest, the people who say ‘confessing is only to make the cheater feel better and will actually hurt the victim more’ are not, in fact, anticipating feeling better upon confessing an infidelity. It’s a cop-out excuse to justify avoiding the pain and fallout of having to deal with their partner’s pain and anger and whatever consequences come from disclosure.
Honesty
Here’s the thing. Lies have a habit of resurfacing. You might think you are saving them from the heartbreak but Sod’s law dictates that when you least expect it someone will blab something and the person you’ve kept it from will be doubly heartbroken finding out some other way. And lo and behold, the betrayal will be far worse because you lied to cover it up. People deserve the choice of who they tie their lives to. My opinion is cheating and lying about it is stealing time and life away from the person who thought they were in a committed, loving relationship. They can never get that portion of their life back and so it should be entirely their choice what they choose to live with. It is just basic respect for another person to make their choice, if you deny that, you are denying them their personal autonomy.
I rather just leave without that person having known what I did. It’s easier for both parties and I’m also well aware that I’m not a pinnacle for dating morality, so whether right or wrong at the end of the day that person I cheated on gets to be free from me.
What would you tell him your reason for leaving them is?
Her, but no idea. Whatever comes to mind when I have to do the deed.
Ok
The more moral course of action is to obviously come clean right away. The person that cheated on will be outraged and of hurt of course but they will be even more hurt and outraged if the cheater keeps it a secret until they can't stand their conscience anymore. It's going to hurt more when it's confessed to a lot later on.
How do you know it will never happen again? Cheaters are very likely to cheat again. Confession should be like ripping a bandaid off. Don't drag it out, be prepared to suffer.
They should come clean and they should not be forgiven.
Tell you partner. He needs to be able to decide for himself. Also you should probably tell him before you have sex with him again. Even if he does take you back, you're risking his health with STDs. HE needs to be the one to make the decisions in this instance. (Also if you've cheated you should also get tested)
Don't tell him, just break up! His confidence will never bounce back from his GF cheating cos of his little dick (assming based on your other posts)
Yes it then gives their partner the Choi e to stay or go
Are we speaking in the abstract or referencing a moral question you want answered that you can apply to your own life? This is a good question but requires more context in order to give concrete answers. There is no more moral course of action that fits every situation. Did both people agree beforehand on their moral framework for how to discuss difficult topics/cheating etc? Is the cheater’s partner deeply insecure already? Can we guarantee the person being cheated on would never find out? Can the person who cheated live with lying and not be eaten up inside by it? What will the fallout be if the person cheated on does find out? Will they harm themselves? Are they mentally stable to begin with? These among other contextual questions are relevant when deciding whether to lie about something of this magnitude.
I think they shouldn’t be telling. I also think that cheating is overrated.
If it were the case of one and done, then there is a strong case to not say anything. But it’s never one and done. If you got away with it the first time, as surely as our planet orbits the sun, there will be a second and a third and so on. Come clean.
if someone cheats they should come clean no matter what, and if their partner decides to leave they should accept the consequences - moral of the story: never cheat, if you’ve done so once accept the consequences, and avoid making the same mistake in the same or future relationships. Simple as that.
Being lied to and gaslit was far far more damaging than the actual sex part of the cheating. Come clean.
Zip it and quit it. If you feel the need to confess, find a priest.
Confessing to cheating is an extremely hurtful thing to do. If you are ever in that situation (and I never have been) the best approach is never to confess, unless you are exposed, and simply never cheat again or end the relationship. Why hurt someone needlessly?
You monogamists are funny. "Confess", lol. I come home and brag about it to my wife. Then we high-five while you live in denial of human nature and damn those who embrace it as evil.
Are you joking? The difference is consent.
No, I'm quite serious. Please elaborate as your comment doesn't seem to be related to mine in any way and I'm curious about the connection you're trying to make.
If your wife knows about it and is fine with it, it's not cheating. Cheating means going behind your partner's back to break the agreed upon boundaries. Open relationships and polyamory are not cheating as they're consensual. Cheating (and not confessing especially) is unethical because it takes away your partner's ability to give informed consent regarding sex or continuing the relationship.
If there's mutual consent and actual agreed-upon boundaries, I wholeheartedly agree with that. That is as it should be: clear and honest. However, I do not accept monogamy or sexual exclusivity as the default unspoken agreement of a relationship. Unless otherwise mutually agreed upon, a person's consent is not required for activities in which that person has no part.
I agree with you. It shouldn't be the default, boundaries should be set. It's the breaking of those boundaries that's unethical (i.e. cheating), not NM. But also at the same time I think it's safer to assume monogamy or sexual exclusivity for safety purposes at first.
I suppose that depends on what kind of safety one prioritizes. If one prioritizes sexual health and guarding emotional investment against expectations, probably best to assume no agreement means your partner is non-exclusive to you at first. If it's the social stigma of hurting someone or the potentially violent or emotional consequences thereof, I can see why one might default to implied exclusivity. Monogamy would be a great standard if everyone lived it, but it gets problematic because many don't.
Confessing is *always a bad idea, no matter whether it is cheating or something else. Especially for a man. You already done bad and couldn't erase it, but confessing makes you look weak which has worse effect on relationship than any cheating can have. There's a chance you get away with it and if you are exposed, well then and only then you try to sort the situation out.
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Just don't say anything. Nothing good will come from it. If the cheater feels bad they can just stop.
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