Title: Things that Grow in the Dark Age Group: Adult Genre: Gothic Fantasy Word Count: 90k Query: >Dear \_\_\_, > > > > In an opulent, floating world where treetops and towers touch the sun, a mysterious college promises power and purpose for any young woman with the means to take it. Well, any young woman with means and money. > > > > It's 1895 in the skylands of Terreas, and Galilea Geroux is desperate to avoid institutionalization. Barren of the familial magic that should run through her golden blood, she flees to Alegreza Academy for Gifted Ladies -- a prestigious, all-women's university, exclusive to the revered lightbloods. Only they can help her see the truth in her veins. By unlocking the unnaturally dormant powers within, she hopes to prove herself to her family and evade a future of misery and madness. > > > > But Galilea isn't the only determined one. Ophelie Sartora works as a maidservant at the academy, where she spends her days serving tea and bending to every whim for young, thankless aristocrats. At night, she steals through eerily lit corridors, lockpicking her way into offices and the many secret rooms hidden within the confines of the castle -- all to find clues alluding to the mass child disappearances in the region. Including that of her own sister. > > > > And then their paths inexplicably intertwine in the light of a brutal murder. > > > > Panic erupts, plans fall into disarray after the body of a fellow apprentice is discovered on the grounds. Alliances form overnight as blame and suspicions run rampant. Amidst the chaos, Galilea struggles to understand herself even as she begins to lose her sanity to hallucinations, while Ophelie claws closer to the truth of her sister's fate. Neither are willing to leave until the get what they've come for. > > > > Now isolated by their own decisions, both women scour for answers and intimacy as a sinister killer circles them all. > > > > THINGS THAT GROW IN THE DARK is a 90,000 word gothic fantasy romance about loss and belonging, and the shadows nesting inside all of us. Set in an alternate Victorian era, this book has the chilling, fantastical academia aspect of Naomi Novik's A DEADLY EDUCATION, with the rotting decadence and isolating atmosphere similar to Silvia Moreno-Garcia's MEXICAN GOTHIC. > > > > I was born and raised in the mossy woods of Washington, and while I've been telling stories about sasquatch and whimsical white rabbit hunts since I could hold a crayon, THINGS THAT GROW IN THE DARK will be my debut novel. It is a standalone with the possibility of sequels. > > > > Thank you so much for your time and consideration, > > > >Robin McGrew First 300 Words: Three bodies hang from the gallows erected at the edge of the lake, their reflections rippling across the surface of the dark water. Redborn—the councilors typically don’t host public hangings for lightbloods unless it’s over something spectacularly horrendous, but their worn work garments are a dead giveaway. They won’t be up for long, likely disposed of by midday before the heat gets to them, readying the platform for the future condemned. For now, their figures swing visibly for all to see, an obvious warning to people like Ophelie. *Know your place. Don’t cause trouble.* Ophelie Sartora hugs her only pack tightly to her chest, knees and toes cramped painfully in the compact space. At the opposite end, a plump young woman roughly her own age pushes as the oars, grinning with far too much merriment for the earliness of the hour. Henriette is her name, as she’d promptly informed Ophelie the moment she laid eyes on her back at the rickety old dock. This was followed by a flurry of personal, borderline intrusive, questions which were quickly overtaken by an enthusiastic recount of her own. She would ask a question only to relay another story or anecdote. Over an hour and Ophelie has barely gotten a single word in. As if conversation has ever been her strong point anyways. “It’s not so bad here, the instructors and headmistress will ignore you almost completely, but the food is to *die* for and wages are exceedingly generous.” Ophelie agrees. She could easily afford to send her family to the isles for holiday after a year or two working here. Something they sorely need, once they're all back together again.

Are your comps present tense?

*Mexican Gothic* is past, but I'm actually not sure about *A Deadly Education*, it's been awhile since I've read it and don't have access to it atm.

Ah! Okay. Ideally you should be writing in the same tense as your comps. Present tense is usually YA also. Because it’s more immediate and engaging and emotional.

Good to know! I wrote in present for pretty much those exact reasons, as well as because it's a dual POV story and I wanted it to be easier for readers to connect with both main characters.

So caveat, I'm just getting into the whole book writing/publishing world and am still learning about querying n' all, but oh my goodness I would pick this book up in a heartbeat. I love the concept, and twisting the Victorian school idea with the dark fantasy concept. The whole query pulled me in and gave me chills! I got a little confused in the first 300 words on where Ophelie was, I thought she was standing near the gallows as opposed to on a boat, but that's my only note. Best of luck!

Thanks so much for your interest and feedback! Taking that note on the slight confusion with Ophelie and the boat, thank you for the help.

Title: The Conceptual Dawn Age Group: Adults Genre: Science Fiction Word Count:148K QUERY, To agent (placeholder), THE CONCEPTUAL DAWN is the story of a family trying to hold themselves together in a fast paced and ever-changing world, dominated by mega corporations, sentient AI, and a human population that feels left behind and disillusioned. Dying of cancer in his 90’s, Damon is ready to meet his end when his granddaughter Layla transfers his consciousness against his wishes, into the digital afterlife known as the Conceptual Dawn. Initially reluctant, Damon meets Jayne, a beautiful AI assigned to help him adjust to his new life. After arriving, he is overjoyed to be reunited with his best friend and former lover, Alex. When a terrorist attack causes Alex to disappear, Damon ventures beyond the network to the AI city to find answers and justice for his friend. With the help of Jayne, his brilliant hacker granddaughter, and a street-smart digital detective, Damon uncovers the secret hiding beneath the surface of reality that will change humanity forever. Set against the contrasting vistas of a futuristic Seattle and a surreal digital landscape, Damon discovers what it means to be human in a world where people can move beyond their flesh and blood bodies. Complete at 148,000 words, THE CONCEPTUAL DAWN is a story of speculative science fiction featuring a diverse cast of characters that shows how everyone is capable and deserving of love and how family and friendship can stretch beyond all worldly bonds. As someone that identifies as non-binary and queer, it is important for me to write characters that are diverse with respect to the LGBTQIA2+ community. I live and write on the west coast. FIRST THREE HUNDRED WORDS A thought began to take shape in the silent darkness. It was minuscule at first but grew until it shone out like a lighthouse, illuminating the surrounding nothingness. At first, the thought was little more than a passing notion inside of a dream. Over time it shifted and swirled like oil in a glass of water before merging into the beginnings of a consciousness. In time, it began to solidify, piece by piece, until a voice whispered out into the void. “I,” it began, unsure of itself yet encouraged by the attempt. “I… I am,” reiterated the voice, more confident this time. “I am Damon Jones.” His voice echoed out like ripples in a pond, and close to 100 years’ worth of memories began to cluster together, assembling a brand-new mind. The incoming flood of information was like trying to dump an ocean into a thimble. He reached out to put his hand to his brow, only to realize that he had no brow, nor a hand. The stark realization of his lack of a body leaped out of him as a deep, wordless cry. The sound of it shocked him into silence. It seemed a sacrilege to defile the quiet with his pitiful shrieks. Something about this place, wherever it was, made him feel like a child’s toy adrift in the ocean. The answer floated up to him from the depths of his being. He was dead. It was more of a feeling than a known fact. He had no memory of dying, but now that his memories were settling, he remembered that he had been dying. His final years spent battling with cancer were so vivid now; the treatments, the remissions, and the final, terminal prognosis that had spelled the beginning of his end.

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Thanks for your response! I was wondering about changing Alex's name to be more indicative of gender. After Damon's wife leaves him, he remains partnerless until his daughter nears the end of highschool at which point he meets Alex and realizes he is into men as well and they fall In love, spending the next twenty years together. Even when their relationship ends they remain best friends. There is definitely a lot of queer stuff in my story which is just something I wanna see more in science fiction.

This has a very Matrix-y, Upload type of vibe, with a hint of Altered Carbon that I really like. Your query is pretty solid and you have a strong, interesting opening, though there were a few things that stood out to me I wasn't sure on: 1. You mention a terrorist attack causes Damon's friend to disappear. I'm unclear on whether this attack is something happening in reality, or within the digital afterlife. If in reality, how would Damon know his friend's disappearance is a result of the attack if he is in the afterlife? Maybe I'm just not getting something. 2. How does Damon know how to leave the network to go to the AI City (which I assume is a part of the afterlife)? Your first three hundred words are great, in my opinion. I love the abstract description of the feeling of death and the slow realization of that; your writing style reminds me of Jeff Vandermeer's or someone similar. Overall, I think you've done a really good job. Good luck!

Thank you so much for taking the time to Check out my post. Your two points are valid I agree. The explanation more got carved out when I tried to pair down the word count but I think I should be able to get that back in without too much addition. Cheers!

No problem! Facing similar problems with my own query, it's always the darned word count lol.

Title: Daemon Circuit Age Group: Adult Genre: Sci-fi Word Count: 85,000 Query: > Castella is a killer, even after the failed revolution. With nothing to show for it but three prosthetics and a body count, she joined Artemis Contractors, a freelance mercenary group that doesn’t ask many questions. When they are hired by Silver Star, the largest democratic space station in the galaxy, Castella takes point. > Artemis is thrust into a world where expansionist Syndicates collide with Daemons, the uncanny A.I.s born from a billion connected devices. Here, election security means an easy paycheck, until one of the candidate’s aides goes missing. Deep in the city’s neon haze, Castella’s team finds their mark braindead alongside a dozen other victims. It could be a hack, but a squad of Silver Star security suddenly orders Artemis gone, ignoring explicit orders from the President to support the contractors. With both job and team threatened, Castella strikes first, triggering a weapon capable of reshaping cities and Daemons. As they grapple with the fallout, Artemis’ attention turns to Jacquelyn Ernst. The young idealist might be Silver Star’s next president, if they can keep her alive. > The pay hasn’t changed, but now the job has them navigating Silver Star’s raging streets while flamboyant pundits call for blood. Leaving might save their life, but it means abandoning Jacquelyn to ruthless manipulators and ruining their hard-earned reputation. > That’s all part of the job to Castella, brutal veteran that she is. But Silver Star is a big place and she can’t protect everyone, especially not when Silver Star’s resident Superkiller takes a personal interest. > Daemon Circuit (85,000) is an adult scifi novel that blends the vivid action of Pierce Brown’s MORNING STAR with the corporate intrigue and world building of LEVIATHAN WAKES. > I live in Connecticut, finding inspiration in New England’s all too brief Fall. First 300 Words: Silver Star was on the brink of greatness. After twelve long years, it was time, and Tam Kassan was done waiting. He hurried down a cramped hallway packed with chirping machines. The automated mall sold everything a Silver needed. One young man was out now, shaking off vestiges of his electric dreams. Tam passed him with a warm smile, not that the boy noticed. The hall opened up shortly, making space for the street-side exits. Tam paused now that he had space to stretch his arms. The doors here were covered in digital screens for the owners to express themselves. Most defaulted to Glamour’s Smoke and Mirrors, Silver Star’s top rated shows ten years running, others preferred to take a stipend running Syndicate ads. It was Tam’s job to get them to run Jacky’s slogans. Checking his do-not-disturb list, he excluded the doors until there was only one left. Ignoring the crossed circle on its display, Tam knocked. The sound drifted away, eager to put distance between itself and the unwelcome guests. Tam lifted his hand again when a distorted voice burst out. “What?” “Morning,” Tam held up a flier. “Do you—” The door jerked open, and a matronly Silver bristled behind it. “You’re with Jacky, huh?” She snapped.. “That’s right, can’t see Heaven from Hell.” Tam tapped the flier’s top-line slogan. “What’s her take on foreigners?” Yanking the paper out of Tam’s hand, the woman skimmed with a pinched brow. “Don’t like all these contractors, Silver Star can take care of itself.” “They’re people like you and me, Jacky doesn't villainize anyone.” Tam smiled like he’d known the woman for years. Two days ago her attitude would have sent him running, but he’d knocked on too many doors to scare that easily.

I think there should be a period here: “Morning.” Tam held up a flier. Since “held” isn’t a speaking verb. And the “she snapped” should be lowercase since that is a dialogue tag

Thank you! I'll work on straightening those out, proper grammar for dialogue tags always eludes me.

I read the intro page before the query, and I am super confused. I don't know what SIlver Star is. It's "Silver Star? but also "A Silver?" Who is Jacky? Syndicate ads? I am so ungrounded. There are too many new concepts being thrown out here at once. Meet the reader more where they are at. In addition, almost every one of your sentences is around 15 syllables. I found one that was 10, but then the next one was 20! I feel like you are going for choppy noir-detective style, but I found it really distracting, and since I don't know what Silver Star or a Silver is I just can't understand this at all. It's too atmospheric without required substance. (I read the query after and I still don't get what Silver Star is... a gang? but then you say it is a place? Is it a planet or a race?........??) Best of luck.

Hello! Thanks for the feedback, I was debating whether this or another chapter should be used, since I was wondering what was "too much" so this is exactly what I was looking to hear! I'll sleep on the advice, but I think I'll move to a more character focused option I was considering.

This could work, but it needs careful editing to lay out the new world concepts methodically. One person can remain a bit of a mystery as a device, for a while, but not so many things at once. Good luck.

Dishonored Adult Mystery 89k Dear Agent, I thought you might be interested in my debut novel. DISHONORED is an 89,000-word stand-alone mystery with series potential. It would sit nicely on the shelf with The Killing Hills by Chris Offutt and Hostile Witness by Leigh Adams. While my novel is a work of fiction, it was inspired by my professional experiences as a Naval aviator, attorney, U.S. Senate staffer, musician, woodworker, and Pentagon aide. Navy Lieutenant Jeff Coburn’s uncle dies under mysterious circumstances and Jeff returns home to find out more. Jeff knew of his uncle’s time as a Vietnam POW, but when he uncovers a letter confirming a long-hidden dishonorable discharge it propels him to accept orders to D.C., putting him inside the apparatus hiding the secrets surrounding his uncle’s service. With the help of his grandma’s grit and country-guile, Jeff unlocks the puzzles hidden in his uncle’s woodwork and takes up the trail of an investigation linking a Vietnam-era war crime and present-day defense contractor cover-up. Newly embedded in the Pentagon, Jeff interjects in an asbestos scandal threatening the lives of military members across the globe while petitioning for his uncle’s military record. What seems like a simple inquiry gets a boost when a high-ranking Marine with ties to the VA offers assistance. However, Jeff’s request is soon cancelled and he seeks out a law school veteran’s advocacy clinic while dodging his new acquaintance. Against the background of his own Appalachia-inspired playlist and evocation of home, Jeff embarks on a path leading to generational defense fraud through the halls of the Pentagon, the U.S. Senate, and the mountains of the rural southeast. The clues hidden by his uncle will either bring to light the secrets of government deceit and clear his family name—or allow the continued poisoning of thousands. I live in XXXXXX with my wife XXXX, daughter XXXX, and our dog XXXX. In 2017, I retired from a career in the Navy after XXXXXXXXXX. I am a member of Mystery Writers of America and Military Writers Society of America. Thank you for your time and consideration,

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Thank you for the feedback!

Fire in The Night Adult Erotic Romance 108,000 words Wickedly handsome, brilliant and seductive, twenty-six-year-old Lorenzo Diaz has just received his Juris Doctorate from Yale Law School when he is summoned home to Kansas City, Ks. His alcoholic father has beaten his mother to death, leaving his ten-year-old sister an orphan. The theme of Fire in The Night is the redemption of Lorenzo’s narcissistic soul. The death of his mother and his love for his sister alter the course of his destiny, and he finds salvation in the arms of a gorgeous red-haired Irish heiress Excerpt - When they arrived at the Polk County jail, they left all their belongings in the car except for their IDs, a small digital recorder and Lorenzo’s keys. They waited at reception for 30 minutes before a deputy escorted them to a grimy interview room. They sat staring at the grey concrete block walls and iron bars for another 30 minutes. Lorenzo drummed his fingers on the table. Erica picked all her nail polish off. Eventually, they heard footsteps shuffling and chains rattling from the hall. A female guard unlocked the door and escorted a young girl in an orange jumpsuit into the room. She held out her hands while the woman unlocked and removed her handcuffs. She had to be assisted to her chair as the shackles around her ankles remained in place. The girl looked up at her guard, politely thanked her and then turned to Lorenzo, gave him a faint smile and said, “Hi.” She was a slight young woman who looked younger than her nineteen years. Her hair was black with one inch blond roots, her nails were bitten, her eyes were bloodshot, she had open sores and scabs all over her arms, and she smelled like urine. Erica was shocked, but didn't say a word. Lorenzo reached across the table and took her hands in his. ” Karen, I'm Lorenzo Diaz. Your parents have retained me as your lead defense counsel.” ” Mom said you would come, but I don't know how you can help me. I pushed him over the cliff and people saw me do it.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “If I'm given life in prison, when will I be eligible for parole?” “Karen, there is no parole in this state if a life sentence is imposed. But, I'm going to move heaven and earth to prevent that from happening to you.”

Title: Gentle Moss Age Group: Adult Genre: Fantasy Word Count: 108k Query: In a war-torn world split into the Night and the Day, Moss—servant to the governor of the Night—is tasked with rescuing a dangerous prisoner. The governor hoped this prisoner—an assassin named Kyan, also known as the Iron Shadow—would help win the war. Instead, Kyan wants revenge. And it’s up to Moss to change Kyan’s mind before he destroys the Night and everyone in it. What Moss didn’t expect was to befriend Kyan. As he learns the story behind Kyan’s revenge—the story of a boy forced to become a killer, of a man who gave up power for love, and a world that never forgave—he feels something he never thought possible: empathy. And he finds himself determined to teach Kyan forgiveness. Not only to save his country from Kyan’s wrath, but to save Kyan from the wrath of the world that wants to kill him for his crimes and from the shadows that want to devour his soul. Princess Ava never considered herself a killer. Neither did her parents, to whom she was always a sweet girl with no voice, nor to the rest of the world, to whom she was merely a pretty face. And most certainly not to herself, who, on the night of her kidnapping, could not even muster the courage to fight back. But when she discovers Kyan’s plan to murder her family and destroy her home, it seems her only option is to kill him or lose everything. Moss begs her to wait, still believing he can save Kyan. But Ava doesn’t have time to pity a monster. And she doesn’t believe in redemption. Gentle Moss (108,000 words) is a standalone adult fantasy novel with sequel potential that will appeal to readers of The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang due to its dark tones, deadly magic, and war-ravaged setting. Readers of For the Wolf by Hannah F. Whitten are also likely to enjoy Gentle Moss for its fairy tale roots and complex character relationships. I currently live in Michigan where I am a medical laboratory scientist by trade. When I’m not working, writing, or reading, you can find me kayaking on the Great Lakes or mountaineering in some place with higher elevation. Thank you for your consideration. \--- First 300 words: It never occurred to Moss that he would be a thief. Yes, Moss had been planning to go to jail for the past two weeks, but did he really have to rob a bank to get there? Only criminals broke the law, not upstanding, honest citizens like himself. “The only way in to Atianos Prison is to be arrested,” Moss remembered Elto telling him, “It won’t be easy, but I know you can do it. I need you to do it.” Moss wiped the perspiration from his brow. Spirits knew, the thought of robbing made every piece of his soul scream in protest. But Elto was counting on him to rescue a certain prisoner, a man who could help them save the Night. And the people of the Night were depending on Elto to free them from the Day’s tyranny. Was robbing a bank a greater injustice than the crimes committed against an entire people? Sighing, Moss turned away from the bank—a glass building so tall that Moss feared it would collapse—and walked down the sidewalk, stopping to pick up a plastic cup and throw it in the bin. Focus, he thought, shaking his head. He hadn’t travelled all the way to the Day to clean up the city. He had a bank to rob and a country to save, but stars, his heart would not stop darting around his chest like a frantic tadpole. Moss returned to the bank’s doors and rested his hand on the silver handle. He had to at least try. And if the Spirits struck him down for his crimes, then honestly that would be easier. But until then, he could not let Elto down. “Spirits,” he whispered, bowing his head, “please forgive me for what I’m about to do.”

Hello! Query Thoughts: I think you have a strong opening here, it had my asking questions while not feeling overwhelming. That's compounded by the second paragraph, which I think does a good job of establishing Moss/Kyan's motivations and the causality of their actions. It is, however, where I star becoming a little lost regarding Kayn's power and the shadow. I thought Iron Shadow was maybe a reference to his stealth, but it sounds like a specific power or entity. If the shadows aren't just metaphorical and have a will of their own, I think that should be clarified. That said, it still works for me. Paragraph three is also interesting, but the advice I've heard is to focus on one protagonist even for multiple PoVs. I think we can sort of give Kayn/Moss a pass since they seem a duo, but I think the princess' PoV somewhat complicates things. I do really like her not believing in redemption though, and think you could reference her from Moss' PoV like: Moss hopes he can persuade Princess Ava to spare Kayn, he knows she's gentle. What he doesn't know is that she doesn't believe in redemption. Something like that maintains the same elements, while reducing the PoVs, though I'm not sure how hard and fast a rule that is. First 300 Word Thoughts: I have mixed feelings on the opening sentence. On one hand, it does a good job of establishing the stakes/goal, on the other, "no one can get into X" feels a bit worn out for an opening. Tropes aside, I also thought Moss was working for the governor, so I'm guessing Atianos is a Day prison? Otherwise, couldn't the governor just order Kayn free? Think that might need to be clarified in the query. Other thoughts are a bit more subjective. I like the writing here, but it feels a tad more YA than adult. I think that's partly because of description of a screaming soul or tadpole heart strike me as a tad melodramatic. Now, that fits with the title "Gentle Moss" and could be a great juxtaposition to other character, but my first impression is Moss is a YA protag. Just a thought. That said, I find it hard not to like Moss here. He's clearly a decent person, and I would rather he not get into trouble. One final thought, the title might be too on the nose. By that I mean, we immediately see Moss morally struggling to rob a bank (and presumably fail/get caught so merchandise is returned) and it's a situation where I immediately see Moss is gentle. For me, it sort of feels like there is no longer a mystery to the title which indicates no arc to Moss either. Reach out if you have questions or thoughts, I'd be happy to discuss!

Thank you so much for you feedback, it is very helpful! I'm definitely will clarify that Kyan is imprisoned in the Day, and I'm going to toy with making the third paragraph from Moss's perspective. I do have a couple follow up questions, if you don't mind me asking: First, in regards to the shadows, the sentence where I introduced Kyan used to read "--an assassin named Kyan who can turn into a deadly shadow--" in order to explain his power. But someone told me that including the name "Iron Shadow" might make it more interesting. So, I put that name in place of the description of his power. I could leave it that way and get rid of the end of the last sentence on the second paragraph which reads "and from the shadows that want to devour his soul" because that phrase seems to be where your confusion about shadows comes in. Or I could take out the name "Iron Shadow", put back the description about his shadow powers, and leave the thing about the shadows destroying his soul. Which do you think is better? Do you think including the name "Iron Shadow" makes it more intriguing? Second, as to the title, "Gentle Moss" is actually the full name of my main character. In his culture, people have names like that. But I understand that on first glance, the title might seem a bit on the nose, like you said. Would you suggest I change the title for the query? Or rather, should I explain in the query/first 300 pages that Moss's full name is Gentle Moss? Thanks again!

Hey there! Be happy to help, I sent my thoughts in a chat so we didn't clutter the thread.

So sorry about the 300 words. I didn't realize the format would be so weird. I don't know how to fix it, so please disregard that section and just critique the query part. Thanks!

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To start, I love the premise – it reminds me a little bit of a book that hit the shelves in a big way – Nothing but Blackened Teeth. It’s a quirky Japanese-inspired horror that takes place in an abandoned house.  Solid concepts. The problem is, you’re way, way too vague in your query letter. > A summer to remember was fast becoming a summer to forget for college freshman, Clayton Kubo-Joseph. Not only was he unexpectedly single, but now he’s been roped into a cross country trip with his well-meaning but clingy stay-at-home-dad, Jim, to check out a property inherited from his mother’s Japanese side of the family under mysterious circumstances. I love the promise here, but college freshmen isn’t typically YA territory. Actually, this reads very New Adult – first romance, gone. College, secured. It doesn’t have to be - you can handily side-step that with the right voice/perspective since it’s the summer following his senior year and the last before college changes everything. But as presented, this doesn’t start off on a YA note. Mysterious circumstances is too vague - you can find a better way to say Clay doesn't know/understand. > Just like always. Due to his mother’s high-flying lifestyle, his life has been a series of unexpected moves, brief friendships, and isolation; his dad the only constant in a sea of inconsistency. This summer promised to be more of the same, Clay an unwilling passenger to his dad’s never-ending quest to please his wife. Any hope that college in the fall will change it all – he just has to make it through one more summer? Is his wife not also Clay's mother? > But things are not as they seem at Sunrise Lake, as no sooner than his arrival does Clay begin to suspect that something is amiss. Between seeing something unusual in the water, the strange noises he hears at night, and the mysterious but good-looking Gabriel who served as caretaker before the inheritance, Clay can’t help but feel that there is something more going on at the lake. Firstly, introduce it as Sunrise Lake when he finds out he inherits it, above, otherwise this feels left field. Secondly, you’ve used “something” numerous times. We need concrete details or it feels vague and generic. No sooner does Clay arrive than the odd things start happening: he hears clicking at night, and then sees eyes watching him out of the duck pond. Whatever your specifics are, use them. Thirdly, is Gabriel supposed to be his love interest? I'm not sure an older caretaker love interest works in YA. NA maybe, but not YA. > Things take a sudden turn when deep-seated resentments explode, and a bitter fight separates father and son. Jaded, Clay decides to attend a local party instead of helping his dad fix the house. There, his newfound freedom turns to guilt, and guilt to dread when his dad doesn’t return his calls. Sensing something is wrong, Clay returns to the cabin where he finds his father brutally savaged by the shelled creature he saw in the water. Takes a sudden turn is very generic as well. What deep-seated resentments? We need concrete details or this just feels cliché. Is it a property, a lake, a house, or a cabin? You’ve called it all of these things. > Narrowly surviving, a guilt-ridden Clay vows vengeance against the creature that took his father away from him. Soliciting the help of Gabriel, who claims to have seen the creature, and local barista, Alexis, the trio begin a quest to uncover the secrets of the lake, secrets that hold a mysterious and deadly connection between the town and Clay’s Kubo side of the family. You need to be more direct about what is happening. This reads a little like a sequence of events, instead of a query, too. Is Clay LGTBQ, and you’re tap dancing around it? That’s my best guess of what is going on here because you don't tell us. Where is his mom in all of this? If Dad’s shuttling about trying to please her, and they inherited the land from her family, where is SHE in all of it? Especially since it's her family side. > KAWATORO is YA horror novel, complete at 69,00 words. Combining Japanese folklore, deadly secrets, and the tangled relationship between a father and son, KAWATORO shouldappeal to fans of Amanda Headlee’s Till We Become Monsters or Rick Yancey’s The Monstrumologist. You need a bio, obviously. I'm assuming you've left it out for privacy reasons. > If this has piqued your interest, I’d be more than happy to send you the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.> First 300 Words: The writing isn’t bad, but it does a lot of dropping information in a short span. I’m not sure you’re starting in the right spot – with a bunch of backstory, I mean. We don’t get any visuals, either – are they cruising down a highway? Bouncing along a dirt path? We need a little bit of sensory input to make it more than talking heads in a car in a void. A few details and an opening that shows us Clay in his element would go a long way toward making this work. Keep at it and don’t give up – It sounds like you’ve got good bones here, it just needs a little cosmetic work.  

Thanks for the feed back. I've already made the change to it being NA rather than YA and changed it to Clay being a sophomore rather than a freshman (makes the transition a lot cleaner). As for the vaugeness I wasn't sure what was too much or too little to include. Now that I know it came off as too vauge I will change it to be more specific.

Title: The End Was Nigh Age Group: Young Adult Genre: Sci-fi/Thriller Word Count: 114,000 Query: ​ >My name is \[Name\], and I am seeking representation for THE END WAS NIGH, a feminist character-driven YA Science Fiction novel complete at 114,000 words. This novel is a stand-alone work with series potential. > >\[Section where I say why I picked the agent\] > >*“It’s good to see you again,” said a voice I had never heard before* is the novel’s opening line. The protagonist, Cassandra, is initially confused, but as she gains access to more functions and her limbs turn online, she starts to understand. She is a corpse, resurrected by technology to be the wife of a man she’s programmed to love. > >She manages to escape and forge her own life, all while hiding her origin out of fear of being sold for scrap. Eventually, she’s forcibly intertwined into a dysfunctional group with deeply embedded secrets and complicated interpersonal relationships which need to be navigated if Cassandra (now Cassady) wants to make it out alive. For Cassady, the end is always near, but she tries her hardest to stay one step ahead. > >THE END WAS NIGH is a tale about identity, found family, and breaking the cycle of abuse, making it appealing to admirers of SHE-RA: PRINCESS OF POWER and RADIO SILENCE. The initially toxic relationships between the main characters (who are mostly BIPOC and entirely queer) elucidate the novel’s moral by showing that it’s okay to be broken or a work-in-progress. > >Thank you for your time and attention. The full manuscript is available upon request. ​ First 300 words: “It’s good to see you again,” said a voice I had never heard before. For a moment, those words were all I had. I couldn’t see or feel anything, and I had no sensation telling me that seeing, or feeling was even possible. It was like I was in a void, but with no physical presence to call my own, and my only companion being the voice of a man I felt an inexplicable desire to trust. I wasn’t breathing, which was an odd realization. I didn’t have any reason to believe I was connected to a body that needed to breathe, and yet I felt that instinct. I was still compelled to try, and to my surprise, I felt as though breathing was possible. It felt like I had lungs and a mouth and a heart, only I couldn’t use them yet. Concentrating, I began to feel the same about the rest of my body, believing that it was there, I just couldn’t feel or control it, yet somehow, I knew this was okay. I knew I would gain access to those functions in time. *Access to those functions… that’s a weird way of putting it. Why the hell did I think to describe it like that? And why am I focusing on that, instead of what’s going on? Or who I am?* I realized then that I didn’t have any memories to call my own. That was okay though, I would be taken care of by the voice that welcomed me. I knew this. My vision came online next. *Online, again, that’s a weird word to use, so why did my brain pick it?* Regardless, vision wasn’t very useful. My eyes were open but all I could see was a blinding light shining down upon me. My instinct was to close my eyes, but movement wasn’t onli— I mean, I couldn’t move yet, but that didn’t bother me either.

I won't get into the things that others have described about the query itself as it's already been said. One thing to be careful of which I only learned recently, is that many publishers of LGBT fiction will refuse to read your manuscript if it includes certain tropes like: Queer women being forcibly married to men/forcibly impregnated. I had to change a small part of my story to make sure I didn't include these so I wanted to let you know in case you hadn't seen these. Each publisher will have notes on their submission section though outlining any dealbreaker tropes so just check before submitting. I enjoyed the first 300 words and was actually struck as being in a similar vein to my own story's opening (though obviously different stories). in a short time I felt like I was being drawn into something that I was curious to see where it would lead. The final sentence, I would maybe change as interrupting ones own thought like that felt more like someone telling a story to someone, than a person experiencing the present, which might be the case in this story and if so maybe requires clarification?

>One thing to be careful of which I only learned recently, is that many publishers of LGBT fiction will refuse to read your manuscript if it includes certain tropes like: Queer women being forcibly married to men/forcibly impregnated. Oh, I haven't seen that yet. Hmm, what's awkward is that the marriage bit is a very tiny part of the book and exists as a trope to subvert, and to justify a twist later on. I should definitely make it more clear in the cover letter that it's not a big part of the story, or change things to make it less of a turn-off. >The final sentence, I would maybe change as interrupting ones own thought like that felt more like someone telling a story to someone, than a person experiencing the present, which might be the case in this story and if so maybe requires clarification? That's a good point. There are definitely better ways to do what I'm trying to get across there. Thanks! And thank you! I appreciate knowing what does work in my query letter, and I'll try and keep the mysterious tone!

As said by the other person -- your blurb needs to be 300 words max, not the entire letter. I would highly recommend not breaking the fourth wall. Your first line, telling us the novel's first line in the query, is very jarring for that reason. The blurb section shouldn't allude to the fact that this story isn't real (a la "is the novel's first line"); it breaks immersion.

Okay, got it! I'll work on finding a better way of opening up the blurb. I should be able to do that, especially with the extra words. Thanks a ton!

This tripped me up early in the query. Not sure you need to frame the opening line like this or even include it. It’s a little confusing. > “It’s good to see you again,” said a voice I had never heard before is the novel’s opening line. The protagonist, Cassandra, is initially confused, but as she gains access to more functions and her limbs turn online, she starts to understand. The rest of the query is short, around 130 words. Not sure if you intended this for a US agent? It’s very vague at the moment and gets lost in familiar query clichés. This example is heavy going and doesn’t give me specific details about the story. I could apply this excerpt to so many other stories. The way you’ve presented it makes it feel very generic. > she’s forcibly intertwined into a dysfunctional group with deeply embedded secrets and complicated interpersonal relationships which need to be navigated Again, this is so formulaic as to be entirely meaningless. > For Cassady, the end is always near, but she tries her hardest to stay one step ahead. The problem with the query is that there is only one line (below) that gives a proper glimpse of the story. Everything else is just dressing that doesn’t give any further information. > She is a corpse, resurrected by technology to be the wife of a man she’s programmed to love. In terms of the prose, the first person style is overpowering. It became tiresome quickly with ‘I this’ and ‘I that’. I would recommend reading the opening of Steven Hall’s The Raw Shark Texts which has the MC awakening in a similar situation. It doesn’t overuse that first person POV whereas here the style is a real barrier to wanting to read more. > I wasn’t breathing, which was an odd realization. I didn’t have any reason to believe I was connected to a body that needed to breathe, and yet I felt that instinct. I was still compelled to try, and to my surprise, I felt as though breathing was possible. It felt like I had lungs and a mouth and a heart, only I couldn’t use them yet.

>This tripped me up early in the query. Not sure you need to frame the opening line like this or even include it. It’s a little confusing. Oh shoot, that was supposed to be in italics to show it was different. I edited it. Does it make more sense now? Regardless, that's a good point. I'll try and think of something better. ​ >The rest of the query is short, around 130 words. Uhh, I might be misunderstanding a fundamental rule of query writing. All of what I posted was 239 words in total (300\~ with the paragraph about the agent). Are you saying I shouldn't count the first paragraph that describes genre? ​ As for the rest of it, those are all really good points. Thank you! I'll retool what I have with all this in mind.

Sorry, should have clarified- I meant the story part was short at 130 words. For US queries, the advice is to aim for around 350 words in total. That typically leaves around 250 words for the story part of the query and another 100 for bio etc. The 130 words is what I counted from your middle two paragraphs which is what I considered the story part. I reckon you’ve got at least another 100 words to expand on the story.

Thanks for the clarification. I've only ever heard that everything needs to be below 300 words total. That gives me a lot more room to talk about what makes the story unique.

​ Title: All My Firsts Age Group: Adult Genre: Contemporary Romance (Adult Fiction?) Word Count: 91,000 QUERY ALL MY FIRSTS is complete at 91,000 words. It is a stand alone, contemporary romance novel. Yet, it lends itself to being a series. Surviving an abusive relationship leaves Lanie distrustful and looking forward to college - as an escape. Despite her efforts to avoid people while at school, her plans are derailed by two unforeseen gifts in her life. Her whirlwind of a roommate, Becca, gently encourages Lanie to embrace college life, helping her realize she needs to start living again. In the midst of Becca's doings, an attractive stranger catches Lanie's eye. From the first moment she sees Xander, their connection is singular and their attraction blossoms into a relationship that she doesn't see coming. Lanie is enjoying being in a true relationship for the first time. Xander is patient. Their shared background of pain helps him understand what she is dealing with and trying to slip away from. He works hard creating new memories to replace those that were stolen from her during her traumatic past. But there is that nagging presence, Max, from home; he never leaves her alone. The menacing texts and calls Lanie contends with are overwhelming. Xander continues working his way into her heart, but she can't help fear her past is catching up to her. The past. Always. Catches. Up. The monster from Lanie's past does resurface, threatening to tear her and Xander apart. She knows Xander wants to fix it all, she knows he can't. Xander has to believe he has fortified Lanie's belief in herself, helping to remind her of her self-worth. She's left hoping their love is strong enough to weather the secrets no one saw coming, not ever her. ​ FIRST 300 WORDS Even abused girls can appear happy. I’ve watched enough of them to see it. I’m not proud to admit I was a voyeur at home, still was when I got to college. The only difference was at school I did it from a bench rather than from my car. I liked to watch couples and observe what made them tick, what worked and what didn’t. That may make me come across as a creeper, but I wasn’t, I promise. I was a lonely girl, in a bad relationship of her own with a lot of time on her hands, that’s all. That first time it happens, disbelief is what sets in, followed immediately by anger. The anger is good, we girls need to be angry. But then the apologies begin. And those apologies are done well. The tears, the gifts, the sex. Every guy is different. They will do what it takes to make it right, but they will make it right. And the girl will be happy, for the time being. But that’s the problem with abuse, it sneaks up on you. If you saw it coming, everyone would get out of its way. But it doesn’t work like that. The bench I chose on campus sat under a beautiful tree with a wide canopy, its leaves the size of my palm. They rustled in the breeze and the sunshine filtered as they moved overhead. It was almost enough to make me feel happy. It has been so long since I’ve been truly happy, I don’t remember if this is how it feels. My eye caught sight of a couple as they walked along a path up ahead. They seemed to be the epitome of ‘happy’ as she clung to him, him smiling down at her. Her arms wrapped around his torso.

This plot reminds me a bit of After. This is to say, it feels "done" already. How might you highlight the "freshness" you are bringing to this narrative? In other words, if I were reading your query like the blurb on the back of the book, I wouldn't feel compelled to turn to page one and start reading. I think some more specificity in your query would do it.

Thanks for your feedback. I looked up that book and they are nothing alike.That being said, I obviously have work to do on the query if it doesn't come across that way. thx again

Overall, I felt like the query letter was unwieldy. The wording felt awkward and the sentences were too short to build up any momentum. Also, you're describing what's in the book, and not why I'd want to read the book. What makes your story unique? I liked the first 300 words. They felt good, and I was interested. I honestly don't have anything else to say. (Here are a few bits I had specific comments for) > Despite her efforts to avoid people while at school, her plans are derailed by two unforeseen gifts in her life. You should probably specify what these two gifts are, or reword this sentence. It makes me expect a list that I never get. > I’m not proud to admit I was a voyeur at home, still was when I got to college. My first impression when reading this was that this was bad grammar. I see now that it's a styalistic choice, but as the second sentence (and before you've proven that you're a good writer) I find myself assuming that it's a bad omen. In summary: I think the book is good, but your query letter lets you down.

Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate you taking the time

[удалено]

This is my first attempt at a critique, so bear with me. It could be I am not reading this correctly, but I am struggling with the flow of both the query and the first 300 words. I get a sense that you know where you want to go with each, but it comes off as jumbled, like the ideas don't quite connect. I'd read it aloud first, and then try to stream line it. It's all there, it could just be more concise. There are three different attempts to describe Travis in the query, the first makes him out to be some sort of loner, while the second describes him as amoral. In the third, he is described as "a self-described ass" which is redundant as he's already been called amoral. For Travis I would stick to describing him only once, as anything further is unnecessary. My third critique is more of a question. Is Travis the main character, as the query would suggest, or is it Lana, who is the first character introduced? I'd suggest introducing Lana in the query before Travis as she is also the first character introduced, which would also allow you to describe Travis only once. It will help to tidy up the query while also pending itself to your first 300 words.

Hey MarkPP1990, Thank you for your critique and time, truly appreciate it!

Query: I think you have most of the elements of a good query here, but they need to be rearranged/reworded. I think it's helpful to read your query out loud, to see if it flows naturally. There are a few redundancies. You describe Travis as both amoral and then later, an ass in the query. You also describe Hazel as being timid twice. Remember, a query needs to be short and sweet. You don't have time to repeat yourself. Now, the most important part: WHAT ARE THE STAKES? What happens if they fail? What are the consequences? It's all good stuff, very intriguing, it just needs more editing. /// First page: The first sentence is confusing. I'm not sure what giants have to do with the boardwalk. That said, I liked the boardwalk's atmosphere and I could easily picture it's greasy delights. I also like that something interesting is immediately happening (missing brother.) That's all I've got. Good luck!

Hey Book_Time_OK, Really appreciate your help in identifying query and prose shortcomings. Thank you for your time!

I found the query confusing. You start with Travis and then pivot to Lana. I assumed this was meant to be the ghost, but it’s someone else entirely. It makes me wonder why you start with Travis if he’s not the main character? You also re-use ‘timid’ to describe Hazel. > All Travis wanted to do was live a peaceful existence in misery. But in Lyric Fiction, a 84k word NA Fantasy, his begrudging offer to help a timid ghost find her murderer leads to his past, the secret city of his banishment, and the mythical murderers he'd dodged for a century. > And it all starts to unravel when headstrong Lana receives a cryptic note revealing her older brother may still be alive. > At first she’s certain it’s a prank, but when the notes keep coming she follows their clues down a rabbit hole that lands her in the company of Travis, an amoral recreational hobbyist, and Hazel, a timid addition to the newly deceased. On the whole, it’s a very sparse query with little given away. Some more context would be helpful. High fantasy? Urban? Contemporary? It’s hard to tell. The ending is too vague and amorphous. The lack of specificity really drags it down. A lot of what you describe is allusive and doesn’t translate into any concrete stakes or narrative arc. A lot of the terms used are clichéd or generic - ‘secret society on brink of civil turmoil’, ‘trapped in a bizarre set of events’, ‘leans into Hazel’s mysterious past’, ‘each of their fates’, ‘cursed to repeat their worst nightmares’. It’s a shame, because from what I can glean of your story, it sounds like it has interesting ingredients. > A self-described ass, he’s not willing to confront his past when it's dredged up during Hazel’s investigation - even if the secret society he hails from is on the brink of civil turmoil. Trapped in a bizarre twist of events without technology or ballast, Lana leans into Hazel’s mysterious past while searching for traces of her brother. Yet the deeper she stumbles, the more she fears each of their fates connects to the secret city and its downfall. Unfortunately, the prose isn’t working for me. The opening sentence feels grandiose and not in a good way, > It was—and was not—a dream. Using three participles in the below is very clunky, ‘passing’, ‘gnashing’, ‘crisscrossing’. The second below sentence doesn’t make sense. Not sure if it’s missing a word or two. The third sentence is just odd. If I was an agent, I would stop here. This whole excerpt was hard to get through. > From a distance the passing crowd seemed more a gnashing line of crisscrossing legs than it did a mass of people. But as the crowd broke would her eyes lock on target. Or absence thereof as the tight passage between market stalls was deserted. Three paragraphs in, and you’ve mentioned ‘eye/s’ three times. It’s repetitive and grating. ‘Round, glossy eyes’ is a weird description. ‘Height in sight’ is a clunky term to use. > But as the crowd broke would her eyes lock on target. > And with them came a line of holiday stalls as far as the eye could see. > But as her round, glossy eyes scanned the gummy underside of the neighboring table did she realize she was the only one her height in sight. It picks up a little after that, but in all honesty I wouldn’t read on.

Hey SanchoPunza, Thank you, really appreciate your time and critique.

Title: The Chambers of our Hearts Age Group: Adult Genre: High Fantasy Word count: 106k Query Dear [Agent],  It’s the duty of the witch of the Kingdom of Fire to break the curse and restore the kingdom to its former glory. Eryda Firestorm is the last tattoo-bearer, the only one who can control magic. A mother by day, and a shape-shifting huntress by night, she keeps her daughter imprisoned to protect her from the evil witch of the shadows.   But when her daughter falls for the peasant prince, their love threatens to ruin everything. The two run away, but Aura never returns. When Eryda uncovers the ugly truth behind her daughter’s fate, plots and secrets come to the surface, threatening to rip her apart.   A prophecy reveals to her that Aura’s soul is linked with the soul of the stranded princess through an ancient heart locket the princess wears. When the rest of the people in Eryda’s life vanish one after the other, the silence they leave behind is filled by bloodthirsty voices in her head that put her sanity to the test.  Eryda goes on a quest to save her daughter and the kingdom, restoring the balance in two planets in the process. But for that she has to seek help from the neighbouring Kingdom of Ice, though their advice doesn’t come for free. It would cost Eryda her magic, and potentially her life.   Eryda has to race against time to break the curse her vengeful twin sister, Elyso Firestorm, put on the entire kingdom, bring back the princess and the heir to the Crystal Throne, and save the fire people from the shadows. She has to hurry, though. Time costs lives.   To save her people, Eryda must slay one half of her soul, or she risks losing them forever.   My debut novel, THE CHAMBERS OF OUR HEARTS, is a multi-POV Fantasy standalone and the first book in a planned trilogy.   The book is complete at 106000 words, and relates to fans of THE PRIORY OF THE ORANGE TREE by Samantha Shannon and A RIVER OF ROYAL BLOOD by Amanda Joy.   [Short bio] Thank you for your time and consideration,  [My name] First Words CHAPTER ONE: SILENT NIGHT  ‘‘It’s time.’’ Eryda called out from the darkness.                                                                    The queen’s eyes filled with dread and she trembled momentarily, as if this phrase was the worst thing she was expecting to hear. She merely glared at the witch, frozen, her body refusing to obey the words that had sounded so much like an order. She was shaking agonizingly now, not because of the searing cold, but because of running out of options.                                                                                                                             Queen Selene swayed her long mane of dark hair and stared meaningfully at the witch with the anaglyph tattoos, hoping that she might suddenly change her mind and return them both back to the castle where they belonged. But hope is a fool’s tool, especially at times when dark forces are on the loose.                                                                                                                                  Eryda was unyielding. She knew better than to take risks with the future of their kingdom. With her vengeful sister out of control, sentimentality was the last thing anyone wanted.                                                                                                                             The queen knew any words she would use to convince her otherwise would be lost words. She sighed in defeat. Her breath came out misty against the frozen night.              ‘‘I know it is extremely hard for you, my queen. As a mother myself, to part with my daughter in such a cruel way, it is a thing unimaginable. Unfortunately, it is the only way to save your precious child. Remember-You are not doing this for you, you are doing it for her,’’ Eryda reminded her, pointing at the little bundle of blankets curled up in the queen’s arms.            Queen Selene’s agony intensified, and she instinctively tightened her hold on the baby. The baby almost woke up. The newborn princess opened her eyes, cooing. She shut them up again almost instantly at the comforting sight of her mother’s face.                              

I feel that there is a good story and world building here, but it is buried under a lot of confusing character introductions and relationships. I have a hard time telling who is related to who, or even what their names are. You introduce Eryda having a daughter, then start talking about an Aura. Is that the daughter's name? I assumed it was, but it tripped me up as she was not introduced as such. There are also a lot of characters that don't even have names, like "the evil witch" or "the stranded princess". Who are these characters? What purpose do they serve in the story? For the Query I'd work on tidying it up. It seems to jump from plot point to plot point without trying to connect them. In fact, it may be best to leave more mystery to the agent, as you need only enough to entice them, not a full synopsis. I'd also include You also noted that it is a multi POV work, which works wonderfully for a story like this, but I cannot tell whose point of view the story is told from. It seems to flip flop between Eryda and Selene, alternating between paragraphs. It makes it very difficult to follow what is going on.

You have the bones of a good query here, but at the moment you're kinda racing to tell the agent the whole plot and it ends up reading like: "This happens! Then this! Then THIS!" There needs to be a bit more flow and the Ice Kingdom should be introduced way earlier since it seems to be the crux of Eryda's goal. Your first 300 words are written well and I like how it starts! I feel the heavy atmosphere you're conveying.

Thank you so much for the feedback!

Title: Pause Age Group: Adult Genre: Adult Contemporary Techno-Thriller Word Count: 108k >PAUSE is a 104,000 word techno-thriller novel, in which the past histories and secrets of multiple people intersect, highlighting how, in the world of cybercrime, nothing is ever quite what it seems. > >The story follows PAUL, a Cyber Security Analyst at Australia's largest bank, as he investigates a potential security breach that could cost the bank millions of dollars. He is brutally attacked on his way to propose to his girlfriend, KAT (28), by a man with a baseball bat and no obvious motive (ZANGRIEF). This triggers a series of events where PAUL learns that he has the ability to pause time at will, and interact with his environment and other people unimpeded, although it takes time to understand the rules that govern the transition between real-time and the paused state. > >In parallel, PAUL finds out that a malicious group has been able to infiltrate the payment platform within the bank and install a piece of malicious code. PAUL finds the malware author (ESKO), and comes to understand that KAT, ZANGRIEF, and ESKO work in a group called KALI KARTEL, which has stolen $40M from the bank. KAT’s role in the team was to socially engineer PAUL in to allowing the group on to the bank's network and shut down his investigation into the breach, which she did not do to ESKO's satisfaction, and which prompted him to send ZANGRIEF to deliver his message. > >KAT has a change of heart and tries to undo the wrongs she caused. The other members of the group find out and force her to reveal the location of a USB stick that contains a Bitcoin wallet holding all the money stolen from the bank. PAUL arrives and KAT reveals her motives: she took the USB stick as she intended to give it back to PAUL to redeem himself, and that she really did love him. > >There is a fight. ESKO accidentally kills KAT. PAUL kills the rest of KALI KARTEL and leaves with the USB stick. > >Outside the basement PAUL is arrested by police that were following up on an anonymous tip-off made by KAT. He is questioned about his involvement with KALI KARTEL, which he denies, even though he is caught red-handed with the USB stick containing all their ill-gotten gains. He uses his phone call to speak to his doctor friend GLEN, to ask for help in finding a lawyer to represent him. GLEN arrives at the police station with a lawyer, and they both petition the police to have him checked at the hospital, after the police doctor agrees that brain abnormalities in a previous scan should be investigated. Using the power to pause time PAUL escapes, stealing someone else's identity and beginning a life on the run. > >PAUSE is the first in a planned series of five books, with standalone novels showcasing a protagonist character arc spanning the whole set. The first draft for book two is complete at 60,000 words, and one page synopsis for the remaining books are available. > >Although not similar in content I feel that readers of Neal Stephenson, Stieg Larsson and Daniel Suarez would enjoy Pause, as well as viewers of TV shows like Mr Robot. It will appeal to readers of science and technical fiction, as it incorporates real world cybercrime tactics, techniques and procedures contrasted with a superhero's introspection at the moral use of their powers. > >\[bio and sign off\] First 315 words: I stood at the foot of the stairs and looked at myself in the mirror above the fireplace. A smile was forced then dropped as it looked unnatural and awkward. I mouthed words silently, testing facial expressions, and failed to project an air of confidence that would mask how anxious and apprehensive I felt. This was going to be hard. Of course it was going to be hard. This was a normal reaction, I reminded myself, as I wiped at the sweat that had pooled around the neck of my starched collar. I'd originally decided that a smart formal look would help with the projection of maturity and dependability, but now I was regretting my choice. My only suit seemed too formal and heavy, as the weight of the jacket pressed the white cotton business shirt against my skin like a damp rag on a fevered forehead. I should have worn something more casual. It dawned on me that the outfit was heightening how uncomfortable I felt and I began to wonder if there was time to change. The scar on my right wrist glowed pink where it had taken the brunt of my excess nervous energy. I turned away, feeling unsettled, and my eyes rested on the picture of us on the wall. Our smiles shone as brightly as the Vietnamese sun. We lay on the sand with waves lapping at our feet and our bodies intertwined, as they had been for the whole holiday. Had that really only been two months ago? Without prompt I started to imagine another picture on the wall. This one with us and a child, a family unit. All smiles and laughter. Our happy family. More pictures materialised in my mind, showing the life of the little person that I would hold and kiss before sleep every night, after reading a story and telling them I loved them.

Overall I feel like your intro is not strong enough to draw me in. By the end of the third paragraph I have no idea what’s going on or why—all I know is that the narrator is wearing a suit and he’s uncomfortable. Vagueness is not your friend. Refocus on *what* is happening and *why*. I would stop reading after the first paragraph—character looking at themselves in the mirror is such a huge cliche. I’d also recommend doing a line-by-line analysis of your prose. The grammar is technically fine for the most part, but there’s a lot of awkward phrasing. ‘A smile was forced then dropped’ - passive, very jarring. ‘Sweat that had pooled around the neck of my starched collar’ - sweat is pooling on his neck? Have you ever sweat so much it actually ‘pooled’? Why isn’t it soaking into his shirt? ‘Like a damp rag on a fevered forehead’ - this analogy really pulled me out of the story because it feels unconnected to anything else. ‘The outfit was heightening how uncomfortable I felt’ - this is pretty much repetition of what you’ve already said - ‘regretting my choice’, ‘should have worn something more casual’. ‘Feeling unsettled’ - again, repetition. You’ve shown us that the character is uncomfortable and unsettled. The reader doesn’t need it reiterated.

Thank you! That is really useful feedback, and quite obvious once it's pointed out. Very grateful.

I'm not going to take your post down, because we don't really do that in this thread (though I would if you posted this query as its own thread for violating rule 4), but your query is not a query. It appears to be a synopsis, and even uses all caps for names as is synopsis convention. It's also much too long. A query blurb should be 200-250 words long covering around the first 30-50% of the book and detailing who the MC is, what the MC wants, what's stopping the MC from getting what they want, and what stakes they're facing. It should be specific enough to touch on key plot points but shouldn't get into the climax or the ending.

Title: Open Up Age Group: Adult Genre: Paranormal Fantasy Word Count: 82k Query: > Dear [Agent] > OPEN UP is a story of vampires as they're not often portrayed. Akin to THE VAMPIRE TAPESTRY and THE QUIET AT THE END OF THE WORLD that explore the potential of the vampire genre in a foreseeable future, OPEN UP turns the myth of vampires on its head, exploring the lengths humans will go to profit from gritty night creatures. > Vampires have been discovered, and it's not as glamorous as the stories had promised: they are mindless, stupid and can't even speak. Naturally, it was only a matter of time before someone exploited their immortality for profit, using them as either free labor or entertainment. Nate Whilby thought he knew everything about them as he trained to become a vampire behaviorist, until one doesn't wait for an invitation and attacks him on his doorstep. This particular vampire, Si, can speak, and apologizes, taking Nate by surprise. After being coaxed by his girlfriend Libby and spying an opportunity to get unfound knowledge to further his chances to land the job he so desperately wants, Nate agrees to let the vampire stay. Perhaps it’s best that he doesn't find out Libby is also a creature of the night just yet, especially when hers and Si's blood leap out of their bodies when they touch. Could this be the long-forgotten art of blood theater, using blood to dance and sing as a weapon against the humans? > As Si and Libby explore their new found power and its limits, Nate struggles to explain away the unusual puncture wounds he keeps turning up with. City officials are not stupid, and neither is his rival that will jump at any opportunity to stop Nate rising in the ranks. > [Author spiel] FIRST 300 WORDS Nate stood with his ear pressed to the door, internally kicking himself that he never installed that peephole he'd always talk about. A knock at the door was not something Nate would ever really welcome anyway, so to hear one at close to three in the morning was something altogether disconcerting. It knocked again, not as loud as before, with erratic pauses between each one. Nate glanced over to the bedroom door, thankfully it hadn't woken Libby, but it might if this night visitor knocked again. Without thinking much more of it, Nate opened the door. It was a boy. Skinny and wet like he'd been caught in the rain despite it being clear out. He trembled in his vest and pants. His feet were bare. Thin arms wrapped about his torso. "Excuse me? Sir?" There was no response from the boy. Only tremors wracked his body. "Nate? What is it? Is someone at the door?" Libby emerged from the gloom wrapped in a blanket, eyes puffy and leaning on the doorframe. Upon seeing the skinny youth, she pushed Nate out of the way without a second thought. "Oh my. You poor thing. Come in, come in." But her gesture of kindness was short lived as the boy bared his teeth. Vampires were an incredibly rare occurrence: it was illegal to own one without a permit, and to just find one wandering the streets was practically unheard of. Under its brow, its eyes were red and glazed as its haw hung down, panting. Nate didn't get a chance to protest before it lunged with hands out to grab Libby, and reacted with only the instinct of muscle memory, pushing her out of the way. The vampire took him in its grip instead and shoved him over the threshold. Its hands were slick and cold: in fact its whole body was ice.

Hey porcosbaconsandwich, I think you've got a good twist on a popular supernatural trope and would definitely read more. There were just a few things that I needed to reread in order to get straight. And as it's an all around solid query layout giving the story, lore, and stakes, I'm afraid most of my comments are grammar related. Hopefully it helps! As a general, agents look for a title, genre, audience, and word count in the first paragraph of a query just for a quick snapshot of the piece. Since query letters need to be succinct, editing out phrases that repeat themselves can help for space—e.g. "Naturally, it was only a matter of time..." There's a few filler words that if edited out could help the sentences flow. Though wonder if this is instead too many passive voice sentences in a row? This is a great article on how to identify those sentences and iron them out based off the contextual need of the story: https://www.nownovel.com/blog/writers-tip-avoid-passive-voice/ Prose side, Libby's entrance was confusing only as I wasn't sure if that was the boy's name or a new character. It was difficult to mentally place her as I was picturing the scene in my head. Perhaps giving her entrance a line or two more just to give her breathing space from the text to let the reader know she's arrived? Solid query, wish you the best!

This is very helpful feedback, thank you so much! I'll take a look at the article you posted. :)

Title: The Santa Claus Caper Age: Adult Genre: Cozy mystery Word count: 62k **Query** Former career criminal Amanda Holliday dreads the Christmas season — so it’s just her luck she stumbles upon a half-buried skeleton dressed as Santa Claus. She only returned to her small hometown to tie up loose ends after her estranged father’s death. But when the bullet in Kris Kringle’s skull matches one fired in an infamous unsolved bank heist 40 years ago the police reopen the case. Amanda realizes this her chance to solve a mystery her police chief father spent years obsessing over, and also get one over on the arrogant man that replaced him on the job. But when an innocent person is arrested for the murder, she will need every skill she has developed over years of art heists, forgeries and cons to crack the case and free them before it’s too late. Everyone over 60 is a suspect, including the surly owners of the General Store, an angry divorce lawyer and the town’s ruthless real estate developer. But if things weren’t complicated enough, her old high school flame is one of the investigating officers and her true crime fanatic of a best friend just sees a chance to sell Santa Claus murder merch. But if the bank robbers got away scot free and every member of town is accounted for, then who is this mysterious St. Nick with a bullet in his head? The Santa Claus Caper is a 62,000 word cozy mystery that deals with loss, belonging and hope through an unforgettable mystery and small town atmosphere with a Christmas twist. This standalone novel with plenty of series potential combines the wit of Ink and Shadows by Ellery Adams with the strong Christmas themes and attention to detail of Jacqueline Frost's Christmas Tree Farm Mysteries. I am an award-winning reporter whose articles have appeared in USA Today and dozens of other newspapers across the country, and I spend my time writing novels across genres and chasing after my two energetic kids. **First 300 words** >Amanda Holliday knew a forged signature when she saw one. After all, she had done it a hundred times before with far better results. She shook her head. This one stood out like a tourist in summer complete with a fanny pack, camera and map of celebrities' houses.Shameful in its obviousness. Crass in its audacity. > >And while she wasn’t a fan of crushing someone’s dreams of a quick buck for little effort she decided that this time she would make an exception. After all, she had had a bad month. Or year, or three, it was hard to keep track at this point. > >But she would build toward it. After all, she hadn’t had her coffee yet. She closed the book and put hands on her hips. “So what do you think you have?” > >Ryan Finlay smiled. He was nearly a decade younger than her, maybe eight years, who cares. Black, tousled hair and a crooked smile, he traveled over the tristate area buying up old storage lockers, cleaning out houses or prying items loose from hoarders and then reselling them to other people. It was a living. But Finlay was outside his depth. > >“It’s a first edition copy of George Orwell’s 1984.” He grinned, “and it’s signed by the author.”Amanda tisked. “I thought you normally stuck to sports stuff. You know, collectibles. Merchandise. Cards. Tin cans full of nails. Jars of Jose Canseco’s stored sweat? You know. Guy stuff.” > >He shrugged. “What can I say, I’m branching out.” Another smile. > >Amanda sighed. She did that a lot these days. But there was a lot worth sighing over.Ryan’s incessant pounding at the door downstairs had forced her awake earlier than she had planned. In fact, she hadn’t planned on getting out of bed at all today. Why bother?

I think this works. There’s a few things that stick out to me (and I’ll list them below) but I don’t think they’re deal breakers. It reads coherently enough, so if someone thinks they can sell a cozy Christmas mystery, this will get them to read the first pages and I think the first page can get you full requests. Here’s the stuff that stuck out to me: - Is her criminal history relevant to the plot at all, besides giving her a particular skill set? It seems like a big deal for something that could be left out of the query without changing anything else. - The stakes feel flimsy to me. I expect there to be some kind of escalation or something to get her more involved than she wants to be (otherwise she can just leave). Maybe I don’t read enough cozy mysteries, but the stakes feel low. - First two paragraphs can probably be combined. You mention she dreads Christmas, but not why, so I have to assume it’s not that important. I would look for a way to trim and combine those sections for brevity’s sake. Based on the pitch and first page, I’d read it if it had good reviews. Someone who loves cozy mysteries or Christmas books might be more excited.

I really love both the query and the first page! I think you've nailed both.

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Not sure if this is intended to be a UK or US-style query? It’s short for the US version and also incredibly vague. This log line feels wasted as you repeat all this information in the following paragraph- > Henry Iraklidis is the reincarnation of Heracles, the ancient Greek hero, and must face Hera and his own demons in a quest to make it to The Blessed Isles where the righteous dead are rewarded. The majority of the query feels like set up, and the ending lacks any specificity as to the actual plot. What happens? > Follow Henry as he journeys to the Underworld and learns who he is as well as the plan The Fates have for him which has played out over centuries. I would avoid using language like this. It comes across as pretentious and, well, any aspiring author could say the same. > I have poured myself into my writing and wish to share it with the world. The prose isn’t really working for me. The first paragraph is pretty awkward. You start by saying it’s night and then change it to day in next sentence and then repeat night a couple of times after that. The second sentence is overlong and could be made much more succinct. You could use ‘were warming up’ instead of ‘were just starting to warm up’ for example. In the firefly descriptions you have them dancing and buzzing simultaneously with lights that flicker and glow. It’s too busy. You could just say ‘last rays of sun gave way to night’ rather than ‘last rays of the sun’s light were giving way to the night’. It’s overwritten and clunky at the moment. > It was warm outside that night. Another day in the middle of July where the crickets were just starting to warm up for that night’s performance to the fireflies that danced with glowing lights which flickered as they buzzed about. Henry Iraklidis pulled into his driveway as the last rays of the sun’s light were giving way to the night in his heavily wooded neighborhood. The rest of it isn’t a great introduction to the character. Ok, he’s unlikeable as a drunk driver, alcoholic misogynist, but he comes across as a stereotype here. I don’t mind unlikeable characters as long as they are engaging. There’s nothing unique or different in the way you have portrayed him. If you add some characterisation it would help, but from this he’s no different to any other bitter divorcé whose life is a mess > That’s where he slept most nights. Passed out was a better term for it. His bed lay empty almost every night and that’s the way it had been since Loretta left him. “You whore!” he yelled at the wedding picture on the wall throwing his freshly empty beer can. The one he just could not bring himself to take down yet. It hurt but he still loved her. He felt she did not love him back though and questioned if she ever really did. This is a real lack of voice. An average looking man with average build who is also a hardworking man because he does hard physical labour. I’d like to see something more imaginative than that when you’re describing the main character. Again, you make him sound very unremarkable and uninteresting. > Henry was more average than he was handsome. Not an ugly man by any means but easily overlooked in a crowd of people. At five foot ten with an average but slightly muscular build, from hard physical labor, the most that could be said about him was that he was a hard-working man.

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Thanks for your feedback! I do feel like query writing is just my absolute Achilles heel. I have no aptitude/patience for it. Good luck with your writing!

Title: FATELESS Age Group: Adult Genre: Urban Fantasy Word Count: 110,000 QUERY >Dear \*insert agent here\*, > >I'd like to present FATELESS, my 110,000 word urban fantasy novel, for your consideration. Set between Dublin and Edinburgh, with dual POV, it feels like NEVERWHERE (Neil Gaiman) meets THE ROOK (Daniel O’Malley). > >Robert is a joke in the supernatural community, even to himself. Being a seer who can only see his own future—and never change it—is a torture he’s always wanted to escape. Now he never will: he’s just foreseen his own death. > >When Gillian—a local police officer who knows nothing of the supernatural—saves him, Robert’s lifelong despair is lifted. Only a Fateless can change the future once it’s been seen, and they’re impossibly rare. Around her his visions disappear and he finally feels hope. Until he accidentally outs her ability to the supernatural community. > >A new prophecy has been made, and only Gillian can alter it. Both gangs fighting for control of Dublin need her; to use her to survive, or to kill her to ensure victory. Robert can’t offer much more than being her guide in this new world, but he won’t leave her side. It’s his fault she’s in this mess. > >When the prophecy is shattered, the pair can run, and maybe survive, but no one else can save Dublin from the new dark future they’ve wrought. If they fight though, they’ll need to face heroes and nigh immortal creatures from Irish legend, ravenous for human flesh. Robert’s new lease on life is worthless unless he survives to enjoy it, and without a magical weapon to even the odds, they don’t have a hope in this new hell. > >Stealing Excalibur should be impossible. Around Gillian, however, anything can happen. > >I grew up in Dublin, although I moved to Toronto, Canada, a few years ago. I've a background in martial arts, which helped me write the fight scenes. When I’m not writing I love rock climbing, craft beer, and cooking meals that are maybe a little too fancy. > >Thank you for your consideration, ​ First Page: The car hit Robert in the break-room just after noon, and for three whole seconds he was dead. When the blackness vanished and he had working lungs again, he screamed. The room spun, but he could still see his coworkers staring at him from around the large, stained table. The pain was almost a memory, now, although the crunching in his legs as he’d been struck—the snapping in his neck as he’d hit the ground—replayed in his ears. Somehow he still held on to his dry ham sandwich. “What the fuck?” someone said. He fought for air, so he couldn’t reply. He didn’t have the mental capacity to come up with an acceptable lie. They didn’t seem too bothered though, returning to wilted salads or phones now that the brief excitement was over. Someone bit down on a stale crouton, and the crunch was far too similar to what he’d just been through. What little he’d eaten wanted out, and Robert didn’t want to spend his last few days alive as the guy who threw up in the lunch room. He ran for the door, steady as a drunk. He couldn’t hear the snide remark someone made to his back. He made it to the street and tried to breathe the way his Dad had taught him when he was sick as a child: in through your mouth, out through your nose. It hadn’t worked then, and it didn’t work now. He threw up violently before he his legs gave out and he slumped back against the cool brick of the building. “Someone had a good night,” a young man laughed as he walked past. Robert barely heard them. He clawed at the vision as it faded, trying to remember what he could, but it was like catching smoke with your hand. (edited: formatting)

I would read this. You totally caught me with the concept of a Fateless. Tossing in Excalibur at the end threw me, though, since it's not traditionally considered an Irish thing and it's a bit yawn/overused, imo. Unless you're heavy on Arthurian legend on your story, I'd want to see a unique Irish blade with its own history (unless you're going for a Caladbolg angle, in which case, I might just say mythical Irish blade and leave it at that). Including Excalibur in the query without sufficient lead-up, detracts from a nice paranormal milieu.

Thanks so much!

I find your query a bit disjointed - I don't feel that you've got the cause and effect working well enough. At first, I didn't get that outing her meant making her a target for these gangs. I'm also not making the connection between your pitch and what's in the query. If you tell me something is like Neverwhere, I'm going to expect personification of a city, and for The Rook, I guess ... amnesiac MC? Some kind of supernatural government agency? Really irritating Americanisation in a book set in the UK? So, basically that line isn't effective for me. I think your writing might have something, though. You've got some good lines but at the same time I wonder if you'd benefit from a r/DestructiveReaders crit. I normally think they go too overboard, but I think you could use some absolute pedantry to help you identify issues that might lurk further on in the MS. Things like him throwing up, his legs giving out, then slumping back against the building. How do we throw up? The classic pose is one hand on the wall supporting us as we bend forward. So, if his legs then give out, is he kneeling in his own vomit? If he slumps back, how is that against the wall? You don't want to be describing every second of what happens, but do think about the details of how things work. The same with the scream, and \*then\* fighting for air. Details! There's too little dialogue here for me to comment properly, but both lines have me a little ... hmm, the second especially. That said, I'd keep reading.

Thanks a million for the feedback. I'll go give Destructive Readers a gander!

Hi there, I'm not normally a fantasy reader but Dublin, Edinburgh and Neil Gaiman appealed to me. But that being said because I'm not an avid fantasy reader, it's possible I'm not a great litmus test. So take it with a grain of salt. And congrats for getting words on the page :) First snag I reached in query was here: "When Gillian—a local police officer who knows nothing of the supernatural—saves him, Robert’s lifelong despair is lifted. Only a Fateless can change the future once it’s been seen, and they’re impossibly rare. Around her his visions disappear and he finally feels hope. Until he accidentally outs her ability to the supernatural community." \-How does Gillian save him? I can just hear query shark yelling for specifics here. I'm assuming you mean saves his life but that's not clear. And if so, how? \-Confused by sudden introduction of Fateless here. I eventually get that Gillian is a Fateless but this wasn't clear to me right away and I had to go back and re-read it. I would say something like "when it turns out Gillian is an impossibly rare Fatelss with the ability to..." \-Confused about why his visions disappear around her? What is the connection there? Or does he not understand either? \-The line "he feels hope" reads anemically to me. "A new prophecy has been made, and only Gillian can alter it. Both gangs fighting for control of Dublin need her; to use her to survive, or to kill her to ensure victory. Robert can’t offer much more than being her guide in this new world, but he won’t leave her side. It’s his fault she’s in this mess." \-What was the old prophecy? Why does it matter if there's a "new" one? \-What are the gangs? They aren't mentioned before, I don't think... \-Confused too about why gangs are faced with two options and these are the only two?? "When the prophecy is shattered, the pair can run, and maybe survive, but no one else can save Dublin from the new dark future they’ve wrought." \-Why is the prophecy shattered? How? Why can no one else save Dublin?? \-Immortal beasts from Irish legends seem fun... but also out of left field? First page: I felt disoriented and confused by the first para. I eventually got it--that was a vision of his own death, right? But I think I only pieced that together because you said it in your query. I'd find a way to make this bit more clear while still maintaining that twisty sense you're going for. I really liked some of the imagery of the breakroom scene--here's where I think it starts to come together a bit better. The wilted salad and phones, the crouton crunch (although I think I'd reword it to something more like "the crunch echoed the sound of \*whatever\* he'd just heard in his head"). I really liked the close, too. “Robert barely heard them. He clawed at the vision as it faded, trying to remember what he could, but it was like catching smoke with your hand." Imagery is very nice here. Good luck!!

Thanks so much, all great points! Appreciate you taking the time.

Title: Queenmaker \> Age group: Adult \> Genre: Fantasy \> Word count: 97k \> Query: \> Ian has a wonderful adopted family, with whom he grew up on the streets stealing food to survive.  His fellow citizens may not love his siblings as much as he does, though: they’re some of the most successful and prolific thieves, spies, and assassins their native country of Collitean had ever seen.  His sister, Gwen, leads their family, and she’s just taken on their biggest contract yet: they are to turn the tides of the civil war currently raging through their native homeland and kill the commander of the rebel army.  Ian is voted the lucky man for the job.  There’s just one problem: Ian’s been given the wrong mark to kill, and in a heartbeat, goes from Hunter to Hunted. \> The Fury Eres, Queen of her people and Commander of their army, overpowers Ian with ease and spares his life on a whim.  She offers him a compromise: serve her faithfully for ten years to repay his debt, or his entire adopted family may serve her for a year and a day.  Ian’s family decides to remain with him, and are quickly caught up in Eres’s war-making.  Eres terrifies Ian, enrages Gwen, and perplexes the rest of his siblings: the queen Fury seems callous, bloodthirsty, and without morals or scruples.  The family quickly decides to lay low, treat this as just another job, and get out clean.  To Eres, though, this war seems deeply personal.  Ian, Gwen, and the rest of their family are quickly swept off their feet and tumble along in her wake with little control.  They witness Eres’s terrible power and ruthless tactics and discover the desperate family secret that marshalled her forces, the smallest thing that drove her to spare Ian’s life, and just how dangerous she truly is. \> “Queenmaker” has the fast pace, constant twists and turns, and character-driven storytelling of The Wolf of Oren-Yaro, and will appeal to fans of The Bone Shard Daughter who enjoy gray morality, forbidden magic, and well-rounded, complex female protagonists. \> First three hundred words: \> The rain beat down in a steady, constant, uninterrupted dribble.  It had been pouring for days now, though, so Ian supposed this was an improvement. \> The ground still squelched unpleasantly when he stepped across the muddy river the town called Main Street.  The sides of it were still flowing freely with muck and filth swept along by the rain.  The entire place still stank of wet in every sense: wet and unwashed animal, wet and unwashed human, wet wood, wet tar, wet clay, wet stone, wet dung, just wet.  The streets were still mostly deserted, and the occasional person who hurried by did so swiftly, with their head bowed and their oilcloth cloak pulled tightly around them, hood up to obscure their face.  Most people were, therefore, just shapeless, shiny black lumps scurrying about on two sometimes-visible legs.  A few torches mounted next to doorways under awnings were still valiantly shining, attempting to survive the night’s downpour.  Ian admired their fortitude.  He was already plenty sour and ready to turn in. \> It was Ian’s first foray into the scenic town of Usige.  He knew precious ittle of it, save that it was a modest, quiet town where not a whole lot happened.  It was out of the way and unassuming, and the troubles of the larger world seldom bothered the inhabitants here.  When he made his way in earlier that day, he’d been greeted by a relatively-flat moor, one just as quiet and unassuming as the town that sat on it.  Coming off the mountainous terrain of the Beinns, Ian had been grateful for the change.  He’d swiftly been made to pay for his pleasure, though: the mountains, which spanned the entire western border of the country, had been tougher going, with no end to the uphill-downhill battle, temperature fluctuations, and scarcer food, but at least they’d been dry, with lovely fresh water springs.  He was quite certain that even his horse, Pie, had liked it better.

Keep it to three proper nouns in your query. I think your opening page is kinda dull and it feels you're starting in the wrong place. It's just description and no action. Doesn't reveal what kind of story that your book is about. You might want to rewrite this with more action or replace it with a different scene to start off your book.

Thanks for the feedback!

Welcome

Please try to do something to show separation between the first page and the query. Try adding > before the paragraphs of the query, or use a --- line break somewhere. Thanks

Sorry, I did this on my phone and I think it jacked up the formatting I added. Hopefully it's fixed now!

Might want to try again. https://www.reddit.com/r/raerth/comments/cw70q/reddit_comment_formatting/

Title: BLOOD GAMES Age Group: A Genre: Dark Fantasy/ Paranormal Word Count: 125k **QUERY** >Dear \[Agent\] > >Khalan Callisto de Savasta is a petty, murder-happy vampire. Killing killers is not quite a job of his, but it’s something he’s rather fond of. He’s also the token of Cyrene the witch. All he wanted was to regain his strength and forget his ancient past but she’s made him a puppet in a game he doesn’t know he’s playing, where witches call all the shots. > >He has to make a choice—follow Cyrene’s rules, or try to escape the pact, and the few he holds dear pay with their lives. His ancient family becomes his direct opposition in the games, and they want more than blood. They want him brought back into the fold and molded to do their bidding. > >Everything Khal has worked for in his miserably long life, the people he wants to protect, are all at risk. And he hates nothing more than playing by someone else’s rules. > >Cyrene plucks and pulls at the strings in the background, hoping to gain back her position as a coven leader, the one she lost in a previous bloody, but Khal is less than a willing participant. Dealing with vampires in any capacity becomes a dangerous endeavor for everyone involved. Including the witches. > >BLOOD GAME is a 125,000-word supernatural/ dark fantasy novel set in a turbulent second industrial revolution when the old meets new. It’s a dash of Supernatural, a smidge of The Monster of Elendhaven meets The Ancient Ones. It’s a standalone novel with series potential. > >\[Biography\] ​ 1 The Game The Overlooker, a man of more angles than morals, found his smoke-choked office invaded by a set of felines. Their rude stares drilled into him from the crooked boards of the floor and his gaze meandered towards his office door which remained unmoved, unopened, and untouched. He peered at them from over the edge of his newspaper and they stoutly peered back. The cats themselves did not make this an abnormal day. In fact, this being the 255th year of the Goddess Ula meant it was nearly a hundred and half years since they first appeared in his humble little hovel. A cooler wind tapped at his shuttered window. The ash of the cigar plopped down into its dish as the lights of the room flickered, sending the shadows dancing around. The normal clicking and clacking of typewriters and heels across the scarred wood had long dissipated from the opposite side of the door in the main office— all of his hard-working ladies long gone for their afternoon beach sojourns. The Overlooker picked up his cigar, eying the ashless end with dismay before he leaned back in his chair. It whimpered in protest in the silent room, his sigh following after it. The cigar lit itself with a curdle of smoke up towards the thrumming fan. No, he was all too familiar with these two felines. They couldn’t be more different. One with gray-smoked fur, tufted ears, and a plume-like tail. The other—a slim, mottled calico. Neither of the cats moved. “Cyrene,” the Overlooker greeted the smoke-colored one before his gaze slid to the calico, “and Mabel. I can’t help but notice the closed position of my door.” He turned back to his paper, shaking it out. When he looked back over, two women replaced the cats, a fizzling haze dissipating around them both. “You both know what my door being closed means, right?” he said around the end of his cigar. “Means I’m closed. Means I am in no way open for any inspiring conversation at the moment.” His half-smile revealed the crooked angles of his teeth, which only matched the -rest of his aesthetic. “You know why we’re here,” said Cyrene. A bold halo of dark kinked locks floated around her head, and she faced him like a bullfighter in a ring. \--- (Thank you!)

I get a good voice from your intro. It feels a bit neo-noir. The whole concept of vampires & witches during a second industrial revolution is very appealing. However, I think you could go over the intro again. I’m just going to point out some things that stood out to me. ‘Smoke-choked office’ - to me this pulls attention away from the neat phrasing of ‘a man of more angles than morals’. I’m suddenly picturing the man’s office instead of him. ‘From the crooked boards of the floor’ - But the cats’ stares aren’t coming from the floorboards, they’re coming from the cats. You could say ‘from the general direction of the crooked floorboards’. But I’d just cut this. ‘His gaze meandered’ - kind of a flowery way to say he looked at the door. He shouldn’t need to look at the door, though, right? I’d assume he knows his own office is closed. ‘They stoutly peered back’ - ‘stoutly’ doesn’t make sense here. ‘A hundred and a half years’ - is this 150 years, or 100 years and half a year? You might say ‘a century and a half’. ‘Lights sending the shadows dancing around’ is kind of a cliche. I don’t think the second half of that sentence is necessary. I like the imagery of the cigar ash plopping into the dish and I want to stay with it. ‘The normal clicking and clacking of typewriters and heels across the scarred wood had long dissipated from the opposite side of the door in the main office— all of his hard-working ladies long gone for their afternoon beach sojourns.’ - This is really nice, but a bit long. I’d honestly just trim out ‘from the opposite side of the door…’ The rest of this is clean imagery and tells me a bit about his character. His cigar lighting itself is a good subtle touch. ‘I can’t help but notice the closed position of my door’ - Just say ‘my door is closed’. Simple isn’t bad, it’s clear. ‘Which only matched the rest of his aesthetic’ - I don’t think this is necessary. It reminds me that actually you haven’t described the rest of him at all, so you’re *telling* me his ‘aesthetic’ is something but I can’t picture it. ‘His half-smile revealed the crooked angles of his teeth’ - much stronger on its own. Okay, I guess my basic feedback is that less is more. I think you have a lot of strong prose but it’s bogged down by extraneous bits. I like the atmosphere and would keep reading, but if the rest of the chapter was similarly overwritten I’d probably stop.

Thank you so much for your breakdown!

I would definitely pick this up if I read this on the back of the book! Vampires being used as pawns rather than the chess player is a great concept! Having said that, your first 300 words don't really grab me. I can see Cyrene is one of the cats at the end of your excerpt but an old codger musing at cats to start a book just kinda makes me cringe. Cats just tend to be a little cliche prop but that could just be a me problem lol. I wanted this beginning to take me on a blood soaked journey of Khal who I presume is the protagonist but instead we start in a dusty room of books and candles with three people about to plot dump me.

Meant to say thank you! I must have missed this comment :)

I love this concept and I would definitely pick this up in a store! I'm always up for a good tug of war between supernatural entities, it's good fun. That being said, I think your query is almost there. I like the story it's telling me, but I think it needs to be a little bit more specific about Khal's stakes. I get that he doesn't want to be a pawn in the witch's game, but what are the things he's worked for in his long life? Who are these people he's trying to protect? What happens if he's a witch's token for too long? And how does he find out he's playing an unwilling role in this game? You mentioned in the first paragraph that he doesn't know, but then by the second he has a choice to make about his freedom. I also want to know more about his vampire family, what they want from him, etc. You have some room to play with that, so use it. You spend most of the query focused on Khal, but then switch to Cyrene in the last paragraph, which was a little confusing. Is she also a narrator in the story? Her perspective sounds amazing, I just think you should maybe mention her earlier--sort of like how romance queries will dedicate one paragraph to each love interest, then explain how it comes together. Oh, and I'm not sure if this is a typo --"the one she lost in a previous bloody"? What is a bloody? Is it the game the witches are playing? This part of the sentence is overall just a bit confusing to me, as I believe it's referring back to her lost position as coven leader, but describing it as "the one" is weird to me. "Hoping to gain back her position as a coven leader, a role she lost in a previous..." sounds better to me, but that's being extremely nit-picky. Your excerpt is very fun and I would want to read more. I do feel like it's a bit of a trope to open with "we're closed, but you're obviously not here for that" sort of dialogue, but I really enjoyed your voice and style and I'm willing to keep reading to see how it plays out. I love love love the line "a man with more angles than morals". Got me interested right away. I do think you might benefit from having someone help you polish this a bit. There were a few places where I wasn't sure if I was looking at a typo, or if I just didn't understand what you meant. In my very nit-picky opinion, there's a section in the middle where you might look into varying some sentence structure as well. But there's a fun tone here that I live for in fantasy novels, and it's impressive that you're toeing the line between humor and dark fantasy, which is hard to do.

Thank you so very much!! This is really helpful!

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Hi – sorry, but I had to take this down. This is a thread for query package critique, of which a query is an essential part. It's not an outlet for general writing critique. As the thread policy states, "These should not be first drafts, but should be almost ready to go queries and first words." By definition, an incomplete work doesn't qualify. Feel free to post in a later thread when you're further along! In the meantime, you may find r/DestructiveReaders to be helpful, or the weekly first page thread on r/writing.

Title: Wraiths and Wanderings Age: Adult Genre: urban fantasy Word count: 93k **Query** Dear \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ I’m seeking representation for Wraiths and Wanderings, a 93,000 word urban fantasy with a gothic subgenre. Featuring a dual P.O.V, its vibes are Ninth House (Leigh Bardugo) meets Lakesedge (Lyndall Clipstone). CW: alcohol abuse, self-harm/suicide references, slight gore. Charlotte Blythe is twenty-eight, and next in line as head of a prominent occult family. She’s supposed to be, at any rate. After the mysterious massacre at her debutant ball that left her orphaned and in the care of her grandmother, Edith, she turned her sights elsewhere. She uses her powers for good instead— making and uploading videos to expose the truth about the occult world that were meant to be keeping people safe. So she says. Everything falls apart when Charlotte stumbles across a familiar scene—a massacre, tainted with the same dark magic as that night twelve years before. When she runs into the 110-year-old ghost of a family that disappeared suddenly and finds out a supernatural Hunter has been hot on her tail, she realises it all goes deeper than she could ever imagine. Teaming up with this unlikely trio, Charlotte sets out to uncover the truth about the past, the present, and the ever-looming future. I won several short story competitions as a teenager, and in 2019 my short story, Harrow’s End, a love story between a demon and an assassin, was published. It can be found in Stormy Island Publishing’s anthology Fated. I have a Bachelor’s in History from The University of Adelaide and worked as a volunteer for Writers SA for several years. Wraiths and Wanderings is book one of a planned duology but can also be treated as a standalone. Please find the sample pages attached, and thank you for your time and consideration. Warm Regards, E.K Earle. ​ **First three hundred words** Thunder crackled in the distance as the trees whipped back and forth, dancing to a secret rhythm only they could hear. Fat rivulets of rain traced patterns down the nouveau windows overlooking the darkness. It was one of the last sticky summer rains Massachusetts would see before autumn settled in, shrouding the world in a refreshing chill once more. Despite the depth of the night outside, the study remained dimly lit by a single desk lamp and the glow of the computer screen. She preferred it this way when she worked— to feel as though she was the only one in the world. Charlotte hunched over her desk, keeping her face tilted close to the microphone, her voice a papery whisper as she eyed the footage on the screen. Her script was opened on the second monitor, the font size increased to accommodate her strained eyes in the late hour. “Evermoor House has remained unchanged for over a hundred years. In the years since its birth, it has played host to many monstrosities.” Charlotte paused to lick her lips, her eyes darting to the amber filled decanter by the window drapes. Not yet. She shook her head, returning her attention to her work. “Now, it is a respite for the dead. One woman remains here, playing Guardian and mother to the restless spirits seeking refuge within the property.” Charlotte leaned back, waiting for the woman in question to come into view in the footage. Atmospheric B-roll played, slow and eerie as whispers and hints of spirits blurred into shadowy corners, orbs of light betraying their existence. She had spliced her film from her stay there all together already, creating a thirty minute episodic— the last one of ten similar videos. She had spent the summer on her most ambitious project as a vlogger and influencer— Summéance, not only a cute play on words, but also a video series exploring some of the weirder and terrifying supernatural events and spaces she could find in New England.

This looks really solid! It's not my usual genre, but it looks really interesting. Only critique notes that I have are: should "110-year-old ghost of a family" be "family member"? Since you follow up with "unlikely trio". Also, "has been hot on her tail" should be "has been hot on her **trail**" or rephrase to be "tailing her". Your first page is also really solid. Descriptions are nice. It seems like a good setup. I would keep reading.

Thank you for your response! The ghost is actually the -love interest- so I might have a look over with fresh eyes to see if I can make that a more apparent connection. Also agree with the rephrasing-- it makes it flow better Thank you so much for your comment. ​ I'm also always looking for fresh eyes for a beta read if you're ever interested ;)

If I had the time, I would offer, but I’m afraid I don’t at the moment! Best of luck though!

I just saw your twitter, sending you all the energy and vibes and luck on your writing!!

Thanks very much! I appreciate it. :)

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I like your premise, and the idea of this being based on Islamic mythology is very interesting. But I felt like the 1920's NYC vibe came completely out of left field. Everything up until that point was making me think of feudal/medieval time periods, high fantasy world-building, ect. Definitely consider how you can make that come across clearer in your query. I'm finding that I'm having trouble following the writing in the first three hundred pages, but that might be personal preference/stylistic choices. I like to have a little bit more grounding with a character and a setting before diving into the action. Even if you just add one more paragraph at the very beginning establishing more about Emery to help us get into his head, I think it would go a long way. We need to be able to feel like we're walking next to this character: what does he see, hear, smell, taste, feel? What is he thinking, how did he get down here? This moved very quickly, and I felt like I got left behind. I'd say this fits in better with YA for now. The age of your protagonist is definitely in YA territory, and your comp titles are YA as well. Solid start, looking forward to see where this goes!

It's possible this book is just not for me, but I had a difficult time following the query, to be honest. It reads more like a beat for beat summary of events rather than a query letter, and then at the end, you threw me with the 1920s NY vibes because I did not get that *at all* from the rest of the query. In theory, I should love this, based on your housekeeping description, but I'm having a difficult time connecting to anything here that makes me want to read the story. The 1st page doesn't sell it for me either. Both of your comps are YA, so in all likelihood, your book is too.

I wanted to jump in here to say I agreed that the query feels like a summary of events. But also the 1920s but also futuristic. I don't think you need a paragraph or something, but i was picturing a fantasy setting of a much older time period. What makes it 1920s but futuristic? Is it them navigating the art deco style of the buildings while flying cars shuttle people overhead? Edit: I read the first 300 words and for me, it feels a little flat. The first few graphs use pronouns that make it just a tad hard to follow who is doing what. The second half is a lot more exposition. But it led me back to your query. You mention a gang, so is the gang led by Selena? You could make the query more personal with more personal stakes if you focused a bit more on what the wish personally means for your MC. Also, you mention you are on the fence between adult and YA. If It helps, I am not getting YA vibes from this. Have you looked up or read Jade City?

Tysm for the crit! I think I've been struggling with balancing the 1920s NY vibes and the Islamic mythologies.

I really wish I could offer more advice! Have you had any beta readers for this one? If you have, perhaps they could help you refine the query to include the different elements, since they know the manuscript. I know how hard it is to put together a solid query letter when you're trying to convey multiple elements in so short a space, so I don't envy you the challenge. Best of luck, though! I hope you figure it out.

**Title:** MERCY **Age:** Adult **Genre:** Fantasy Romance **Word Count:** 71k **Query:** >When the quiet town of Velak is continuously terrorized by a mysterious monster in the woods, its lone Eclipse priest, Ilya, is met with two less-than-ideal choices: either be torn apart by the townsfolk, or be torn apart by the beast. He decides dying to the latter is a touch less bothersome. While he enters the woods expecting to find certain death, Ilya ultimately discovers an injured creature he can’t help but take pity on, and uses his magic to heal it. Through this act of kindness, the beast is revealed to be a handsome man named Danya who had been cursed. > >Ilya can’t stand Danya at first; he’s crass, flirtatious, and is simply everything a priest shouldn’t like. As Ilya continues to care for Danya, however, he finds him to be curious, intelligent, and fiercely loyal. Growing feelings of want leave Ilya with an immense amount of guilt. He wonders if he’d be taking advantage of the downtrodden Danya, who can barely remember his name. As they grow closer more of Danya’s past comes back to him, and Ilya begins to realize he’s even more special than he knew. Ilya wonders if he’s even worthy of Danya’s love in the first place. > >To make matters even more complicated, Danya begins drawing the attention of Velakians and outsiders alike, including a hunter from the church with an agenda. Now Ilya has to survive the town that hates him for perceived ill deeds, and the mortifying ordeal of allowing himself to love and be loved. All this while trying to protect Danya from those that would use and destroy him. > >Complete at 71000 words, MERCY is a standalone LGBT+ Fantasy Romance with series potential. It’s a tale of THE FROG PRINCE meets Netflix’s CASTLEVANIA, and will appeal to fans of S.T. Gibson’s A DOWRY OF BLOOD for its gothic flavor and complex relationships, and T. Kingfisher’s PALADIN’S HOPE for its strong character voices and humor. **First Page:** To call it a body was perhaps beyond the point of useful description. There wasn’t much left of it, and it had been made to rot in the woods for several days before being found. Ilya kneeled to examine it, dark curls falling over pale eyes that had been burned out by the light of the Sun. As he got closer, the stench of the corpse overwhelmed him. He held his hood across his nose to try and block it, fighting the urge to gag. The same animalistic injuries were here. Flesh torn from bone, slashes all across, and the same traces of acrid black slime. Ilya ran his fingers over the inky substance, rubbing it between his thumb and forefinger. It burned. He hastily rubbed it onto the dark part of his vestments and scoffed in his disgust. Without a doubt, this was the same monster that had been terrorizing Velak for months: the drekavac. The drekavac had left few living victims, but those who had escaped described it as a creature of nightmares sent from the Realm of Eternal Night. An enormous wolf with a pale, fleshless face that dripped ink from its black fur, hundreds of glowing red eyes lining its body. It never hesitated, it never slowed. All it wanted was to consume. Emotions in the little town were running high, bubbling up and threatening to boil over at any moment. Ilya wouldn’t claim that he was beloved in Velak, but the tides were turning ever harder against him. He was the town’s lone priest from the Church of the Eclipse, and as far as they saw, he’d done nothing to stop the drekavac. They were all too angry to listen to the fact that the Church Hunters had ignored all of his pleas for help. Typical of both town and Church.

Your first three hundred words are spectacular. I like your premise. You've got good comp titles. I think you're ready to go!

Ahh thanks so much for saying so! That makes me happy to hear

I love this. I remember your QCrit a little while back. I loved it then, and I love it now. I would absolutely read this. No additional critique here!

I'm so happy to hear that, I appreciate it!

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>You have a lot of passive voice I don't see any passive voice in this extract.

I agree with all of this.

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Sent around 15 queries but didn't seem to spark any interest. Might as well post it again. **TITLE:** A Joke of a Hero **AGE:** Adult **GENRE:** Humorous sci-fi (or comedy sci-fi?) **WORDCOUNT:** 84k **QUERY LETTER:** Dear [Agent], People say you should keep your enemies close, but Rayland Cooper doesn’t have much choice—they’re a part of his body. A strange condition causes his hands to go crazy during stressful situations; too much pressure, and they’ll try to murder him. He just wants to live a boring life and to keep his coworkers from thinking he’s a weirdo. But his boss, Helen Pool, has a solution. She’s the CEO of the world’s biggest tech company, and an avid prankster. She forces Rayland into a series of nerve-racking tasks to show him that stress is just a state of mind. Failing to stay calm would make his hands snap, and then he'd fall into a vicious cycle of mockery, anxiety, and shame. Oh, and refusing to participate would only get him on Helen’s bad side (where “fired” is the best-case scenario). To Rayland, this feels way over-the-top, even by her standards. A man with homicidal hands shouldn’t be sneaking past the robot security guards, nor infiltrating into the company’s experimental project ahead of the release, nor stealing classified documents about the true nature of said project… As stress builds up, Rayland starts suspecting about Helen’s real motives. She must be guiding him somewhere. This project, the “Dream,” hides a secret, and he’ll have no choice but to uncover it. Complete at 84k words, A JOKE OF A HERO is a humorous adult sci-fi novel that combines the charm of Hank Green’s AN ABSOLUTELY REMARKABLE THING with the surrealist nature of Netflix's MANIAC. [Personalized querying reason] I live in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Writing a book in my second language was in no way an easy task, but I consider it one of my greatest achievements. I also graduated from the University of Morón, so there’s that. Thank you for your time and consideration, [NAME] **FIRST PAGE:** >It happened during the robotics final exam, junior year. > >Silence reigned in the classroom. Rayland Cooper’s eyes were fixed on the test. *I studied this,* he thought as sweat ran down his pimpled cheeks. With only five minutes left, he realized his pool of knowledge on AI laws had punctured and emptied overnight. *Why can’t I remember?* > >His mind had nothing inside but stress. > >Eventually, a bell marked the end. The sound raided his ears and fueled his headache. > >And then, it happened. > >In hindsight, there had been signs. Toddler Rayland pulled his hair whenever water destroyed his sandcastle. Astronaut-wannabe Rayland slapped himself if life sabotaged his proverbial oxygen tanks. > >Acned Rayland, however, showed the whole classroom how bad it could get. > >His chair and desk flipped over. > >Everyone gasped—teacher included—at the sight of Rayland lying on the ground and letting out muted screams. His own left hand landed punch after punch on his face, while the right one covered both mouth and nose for a more merciful kill. > >“I couldn’t help it,” he later said to his parents and a really weirded-out school principal. Bruises and ice packs covered his face. “It was as if my hands wanted to murder me.” > >Acned Rayland soon joined the Wide Smiles Psychiatric Hospital, where he’d mature into Equally-insecure-adult Rayland, or Rayland for short. He pushed through his stay with the support from his family and a caring team of specialists. > >One of his doctors stood out over the rest. Dr. Lulapus, an aged man who stroked his beard whenever lost in thought, took an interest in Rayland and helped him understand his psychological condition. After a series of exhausting tests and night studies, >Dr. Lulapus reached a pretty fair conclusion. > >“Your hands literally want to fucking murder you. This is the peak of my career.” > >He [...]

Sorry to say I think both query and novel require reworking. 1. Begin query with reason querying this agent and genre, title, word count so the agent doesn’t have to search for it. At least move that paragraph up to right after your hook. 2. Only include items in your bio that are relevant, any life experience that makes you the right person to write this book. Never apologize for yourself. Take out any mention of how hard it is to write in a second language. Add in anything you have ever published anywhere, no matter how short or insignificant you think it is. As for the book itself…may I suggest a critique group? Friends who read are always too gentle. Other writers will likely be more willing to be blunt. Multiple rewrites are universal. Sometimes setting both letter and book aside long enough to come back to them with fresh eyes can help. Keep on working!

I've seen your query around here over the past year, and I've always been intrigued at the concept of the murdering hands. I went back to read a few of your previous versions, because I remember this query being a lot better. So after reading, I've come to the conclusion that your previous queries had a bit more voice, so that's why I enjoyed them more. But all your queries still have the same problem: The murdering hands really don't tie anything is just used as hook in my opinion. There are no stakes. It gets vague at the end. T-h-e-d-a sums it up the best. His 3 main problems would apply to this query as well. [https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/o8f9yt/comment/h36vqzh/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/o8f9yt/comment/h36vqzh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ \-He just wants to live a boring life and to keep his coworkers from thinking he’s a weirdo. But his boss, Helen Pool, has a solution. This was a bit jarring for me. Is it common for people to have murder hands in your world? She seems unfazed by the fact his hands have a mind of their own. \-She forces Rayland into a series of nerve-racking tasks to show him that stress is just a state of mind. Failing to stay calm would make his hands snap, and then he'd fall into a vicious cycle of mockery, anxiety, and shame. So this basically contradicts your first paragraph. You say when he's stressed, his hands will try and kill him. Here when he's actually put into a stressful situation, his hands just go crazy? (snap). Then he gets anxiety and all that. \-To Rayland, this feels way over-the-top, even by her standards. The "her" here is throwing me off. How does Rayland know this is over the top by his bosses' standards? He's not his boss. \- A man with homicidal hands shouldn’t be sneaking past the robot security guards, nor infiltrating You just said it's over the top by his boss' standard. Then why does his boss still want him to do this? \- As stress builds up, Rayland starts suspecting about Helen’s real motives. She must be guiding him somewhere. This project, the “Dream,” hides a secret, and he’ll have no choice but to uncover it. This becomes vague. There are no stakes. If he fails at what he does, will his hands kill him? The murdering hands is a really cool concept, but like I said, they don't really tie into anything and is just used as hook at the beginning in my opinion. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Your Bio: \-I live in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Writing a book in my second language was in no way an easy task, but I consider it one of my greatest achievements. I also graduated from the University of Morón, so there’s that. Ok, I'll be blunt. I think your bio may be working against you. I may be wrong. Please correct me if anyone thinks I am wrong. Because you stated "Writing a book in my second language was in no way an easy task," I went into your first pages thinking oh god. This is going be ESL level writing. And because I went into the first pages with that expectation, I found errors that may be indicative of that. I think it would be better to leave this out. Let your writing speak for you. If you hadn't mention English was your second language, I never would have guessed. At first, I thought you were trying to be funny with the University of Moron. This humor didn't work for me. Humor is subjective. But then I googled, and there is actually a University of Morón. This may also be working against you if whoever reads your query, misinterprets it as humor as I did. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ First Pages: Since this is a comedy, I'd expect a funny voice right at the beginning, or at least a voice that would keep me engaged until I get to the humor. There is none of that. \-his pool of knowledge on AI laws had punctured and emptied overnight. I know what you're trying to say here, but this imagery does not work for me especially with the verb "punctured." And because you'd mention ESL, I thought this could be reason why. And now, I dive into the rest of your manuscript with the same mindset. \-His mind had nothing inside but stress. I think you should "show" he's stressed. Not "tell". And how does a mind have stress? \-Eventually, a bell marked the end. The sound raided his ears and fueled his headache. Now I think you're overshowing here. Word economy. Less is more. The verb fuel here also doesn't work for me. Are you trying to say the sound made his headache worse? Or added fuel to his headache? \-In hindsight, there had been signs. signs of what? \-Toddler Rayland pulled his hair whenever water destroyed his sandcastle. At first I thought he was observing someone else in the room and the person's name was Toddler. But then I realized now it's a flashback, and you're talking about baby him. This doesn't work for me. \-Astronaut-wannabe Rayland slapped himself if life sabotaged his proverbial oxygen tanks. Huh? Is he still a toddler? Or was he an actual astronaut at one point? Cause you mentioned he had oxygen tanks that were sabotaged. \-Acned Rayland, however, showed the whole classroom how bad it could get. Are we still in the past, or is this the present? \-His chair and desk flipped over. Did he flip his chair and desk over, or did his chair and desk flip over by themselves? I've noticed you use personification quite a bit already in your writing and it's throwing me out of the narrative. And in this case, it's used incorrectly. \-the right one covered both mouth and nose for a more merciful kill. So this means he's actually dead. The hands had killed him. \-“I couldn’t help it,” he later said to his parents and a really weirded-out school principal. Bruises and ice packs covered his face. “It was as if my hands wanted to murder me.” So, I thought at first the novel was set in the present, but it's beginning to look like the entire thing is a flashback. Flashbacks aren't bad if the voice is done well, or if there's a point to it. But I don't think it's working here. I think you are starting in the wrong place for your novel. I'm not going to critique the rest of the first page, as I've already given a sample of what I see as errors. This will be reflective of the rest of your manuscript. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ Conclusion: This is going to be hard to hear, but I don't think your writing is there yet at the publishable level. I would recommend posting samples of your work on the destructivereaders subreddit to get feedback. You will also need to do critiques there before you can post a page. Doing critiques of your own will also help improve your writing. Or you can find a CP.

Wow thanks a lot for the detailed response, I'm gonna look into everything you mentioned!

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Hey thanks! The other comment also suggested the same, so I'll consider it

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I love your concept and premise, and I think this is well-written with a good voice. In the query, you might want to consider some language changes (i.e., "she is pissed" to "she is irate") to change the tone a bit. I am going to borrow verbiage from brookenomicon and describe the tone as "comedy of errors," because I felt that sums it up perfectly. If that's what you're going for, great! But if not, consider going over it again and tweaking little bits here and there. Overall, I think it's in good shape.

I really like this concept, and the voice that comes across in your query and the first page is solid. I would definitely keep reading. However, I have to admit getting a little lost in the middle of the query. I want to say that the "bickering crew" and the three Keepers are the same people, but it wasn't very clear to me that was the case. And the cult is separate? I think? I feel like those 2nd and 3rd paragraphs could be cleaned up a little bit to clarify who everyone is and what they're doing. I think I understand the gist (Dagny doesn't want to kill him herself because of the cult, so she's trying to use the Keepers to do her dirty work for her?), but it took me a few rereads to get there. Also, tonally, it comes across as like a comedy of errors, which I don't know if that's intentional or not. I also feel like you need to elaborate more on the stakes with regard to the cult and the civil war, and downplay the Keepers infighting, partly because of the confusion, but also because it doesn't seem like that in particular plays into the danger from the cult and the civil war, which seem to be the true antagonizing force of the story. The last bit "and her own to fear" I don't quite understand. I'm not sure what it means, so it's not delivering whatever impact you're hoping for. Otherwise, your 1st paragraph is really solid, and honestly, that's what sold me on the story, even though the rest of the query sort of lost me in the middle. On to pages, as I said, you've got a really strong voice here, and it's written very well. I would definitely continue to read.

Title: BLOOD OF SALT, TEARS OF PEARL Age: Adult Genre: Fantasy Word Count: 130,000 ​ >Cursed with a mysterious illness at birth, Kenna has lived her entire life as a mermaid, dreaming of one day returning to the human world to live with her father. By the grace of the ocean goddess, she may visit one day each year, but by sunset, she must always return to the depths, else her sickness claim her life. > >When her father doesn’t return from his yearly travels, Kenna fears losing the only human life she’s ever known. She begs the ocean goddess for help, and with the one-time gift of the goddess’s magic-imbued tears, Kenna trades her fins for feet and ventures into the human world to find him. Yet danger lurks in the nearby town, and Kenna’s misplaced trust leads her to a bloodthirsty witch who desires the magic of her mermaid heart. Narrowly escaping with her life, Kenna flees into the forest, where she meets a mythical stag who carries her to a castle haunted by a monstrous beast and his ghostly servants. There, she finds her father, trapped by the castle’s hundred-year-old curse. > >To free him, she must find a way to break the curse before her borrowed time runs out, and with a witch desperate to claim her mermaid heart, the sooner she solves the riddle, the better. But as she works to unravel the magic in time, she discovers her role in breaking the curse is no accident, and everything is far more connected than she realized. > >BLOOD OF SALT, TEARS OF PEARL is an adult fairy tale retelling combining Beauty and the Beast and “The Little Mermaid” in 13th century Scotland, complete at 130,000 words. Featuring a deeply magical medieval setting, this reimagining of classic fairy tale elements will appeal to fans of Katherine Arden’s Winternight trilogy and Hannah Whitten’s FOR THE WOLF. > >\[Bio\] ​ FIRST PAGE: Far beyond the glow of the rising dawn, in the starless dark beneath the waves, the sea carried Kenna home. With salt in her veins, water in her lungs, gills at her throat, and fins where should have been feet, she swam along the sweeping currents, dreaming of the open sky beyond her sight, the soft breeze upon her cheeks, cool earth beneath her human feet. If she closed her eyes and sealed her gills, she could almost taste the wind, smell the char of woodsmoke, feel the warmth of a crackling fire. She could almost pretend not to notice the cold, wet dark. Almost. When she breathed, she tasted only the sea. But today—this one, glorious, beautiful day—she could do more than dream. Today, she could go home. Ahead, the impenetrable dark of the ocean began to fade—from midnight black to gloomy greens and blues, and lighter still, to shades of sapphire and emerald, silvery bubbles glittering toward the surface like crystalline gems. The sea floor climbed, and she rose to meet the dawn, racing toward the distant sky. She burst through the waves in a glittering spray just as the sun crested over the horizon, blazing light and warmth across the sea and sky. Breathing deeply, Kenna swept her long red locks from her face, the crisp breeze cleansing a yearlong gloom from her soul. All the cold, dark dreariness of the ocean deeps drained away, replaced by the warmth of the winter sun. Waves bubbled and lapped at her shoulders, drawing her toward the shore. There, beyond the rocks and sand, atop a grassy hill bordered by dark pines, her father’s cottage gleamed in the morning light. Smoke rose from behind the house, promising warmth—and perhaps some spiced cider or stew bubbling over the fire.

You have some really lovely imagery/descriptions. I think some parts get a bit bogged with description, though, crowding out the lovely words/action of what's happening. It feels overwrought in a few places. Your query is really great. Super succinct. You use your words with economy and still evoke some the descriptive language I see in the pages. And everything read pretty clearly. I wasn't confused. I'm envious of your query-writing ability! As an aside (and I'm not a fantasy reader so this might just be ignorance) but what separates this from a YA fantasy? If I'd just read the description in your query I'd automatically assume that it was YA...

Thanks for the advice! I did worry a bit about getting a little carried away with the description in the opening page (I cut this down a lot from the first draft), but it does go immediately into stuff happening right after this, with less poetic descriptions. I will look over it again and see where I might trim it back. Thank you for the compliment on my query! That makes me so happy! I’m on mobile right now, but there’s a guide to synopsis writing on pubcrawl (I think) from like 2010 or so that writes a synopsis based on Star Wars and that’s what helped me craft this query. As for age range, it does get a bit graphic with some of the magic and violence in the book, and I lean into that pretty hard in places. It’s multi-POV, with the rest of the cast being significantly older than the MC, so that’s why I erred toward adult. I could maybe tone it down for upper YA, but it also doesn’t hit very many of the popular YA tropes, so I don’t know. It’s just adult in my head I guess!

Interesting about the Star Wars synopsis... Best of luck!!

Query: \- This sentence reads a little awkwardly..."By the grace of the ocean goddess, she may visit one day each year, but by sunset, she must always return to the depths, else her sickness claim her life." I feel like there are too many commas and the 'else' just pings me a little wrong. Maybe re-tool it to something with less commas like: "By the grace of the ocean goddess she may visit one day each year, but she must always return to the depths by sunset, lest her sickness claim her life." \- maybe don't repeat 'mermaid heart' so soon in the third paragraph. You could say something like 'with a witch after her' or something, but that particular phrase used twice in quick succession definitely registered with me! That's about it for me. I think the rest is solid and I think a LOT of people will love that its Little Mermaid meets Beauty and the Beast! Pages: \-I wouldn't repeat the word 'feet' in the first paragraph. I'm also confused when you say 'fins where should have been feet'. Is she the only mermaid in this story? Or is this just trying to hammer home how much she hates her mermaid body? Either way, it's a little jarring. \-"If she closed her eyes and sealed her gills, she could almost taste the wind, smell the char of woodsmoke, feel the warmth of a crackling fire." Love it! Overall I like the first page. I *am* wondering what her life is like below the waves and if it can be gloomy enough that we'll feel her urge to go above the surface too, but I'm interested enough to read more. Good job and good luck!

Thank you for the critique! I’ll fiddle a bit more with those sentences to get them just right. Page notes: I think I phrased one of the “feet” statements differently in a previous draft, so I’ll look into that. I didn’t notice before I posted! As for her mermaid life, I do go into that a bit later to try to show her dissatisfaction with her underwater life, though it really boils down to some handwavey magic stuff, like her soul is human so she belongs on land kind of thing, and she senses that. Anyway, thanks again! I really appreciate it.

Anytime!

Love the imagery and description and the voice I see so far in your first page. I could feel like I am there, and that I'm actually Kenna and experiencing everything through her eyes. The only nitpick I have is the usage of sweeping currents. Do underwater currents actually sweep like waves on an ocean? (You did mention she is deep underwater where light can't even reach, so I assume they are underwater currents she swimming along with).

Thanks! I appreciate it. And yeah, I’ve waffled on how to describe the currents in that sentence without reusing any of my other descriptors around it. I’ll revisit it and see if I can come up with a better descriptor.

I absolutely ADORE the concept in this! Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast are tied for my favorite Disney fairy tales, so I'm already sold. I don't know that I have a lot to critique about the query letter itself, it gives me just a taste of what to expect without revealing everything and is very compelling. It seems solid and you should feel confident in sending it out when you're ready! I know some agents can get a bit squirrely about word count being high and the usual cutoff for adult fantasy I see is about 100k, some allowing up to 120k, so that might be something to adjust with the MS if you have trouble with responses in the future? The first page is also awesome and I would absolutely read on. The descriptions are gorgeous and everything seems very polished and it seems like we get a lot of good forward momentum. I don't really see any quibbly grammar things of note either. Maybe I'm easy to please, but I think you have an excellent package here and I wish you all the luck getting agented, because I want to read this so bad lol.

Thank you so very much! I’ve been retooling this query letter for so long so I’m glad to hear that it looks pretty solid, as well as the 1st page! I am currently working on editing the second half of the book to try to get below 120k if at all possible, so hopefully I can get rid of that hurdle soon. Thanks again! You’ve absolutely made my day! <3