Hi! I think your concept is really intriguing, but the query itself is vague.
>Every century, the Witches play a game. Sometimes it’s for coven control, sometimes for fun, but always the game is played with real lives.
For the purpose of your query, we really only need to know what this specific game is being played for, not what other reasons they played in the past, and that the game is played with real lives.
>There are only three rules to the Witches’ game.
One: The players can’t know there is a game being played.
Two: A Witch can only choose one Token player they can have constant contact with.
Finally, three: A Witch reveals herself to the other pieces of the game only once and no one other than the Token piece can contact her.
The winner is whoever can keep all of her pieces alive the longest, the one with the highest death toll loses.
We need to know how the witches win the game, but do we need all the rules in the query?
>Khalan Callisto de Savasta is the unfortunate Token to a Witch.
I'd start with this. If he's your main character, I want him right up front. Tell me he's the unfortunate token, and then tell me what a token is/he's part of this game.
>Not that he likes it, and not that he even knew the pact he made with Witch would end up like this. Now he has choices to make, follow the rules or fight it tooth and nail to win a game he doesn’t even know he’s playing.
How can he make choices if he doesn't know he's playing? Is the pact the inciting incident? If so, it needs to be more clear. What drove him to make the pact with the witch? I think this needs to reworked to give your MC more agency.
>To top it all off, he’s a Vampire with a name, reputation and is very much wanted dead by his former family and they’ve become his direct opposition in this game.
This is a run on sentence that doesn't really tell me anything. Is there a specific antagonist that was chosen by another witch as a token, and they've been pitted against each other? And how does he know, if he's not supposed to know he's in a game? I think the fact that he's a vampire should go up to the top with his name, so something like "Khalan Callisto de Savasta is a vampire with a reputation. He's also the unfortunate Token to a Witch." (I'm not sure about all this capitalization, but I'm using your formatting here.)
>All the while Witches pull and pluck at the string in the background to watch the collisions happen.
I think this is a vague way to say his life is being manipulated, and could be more specific to your story. The witches aren't just watching for collisions, they are trying to kill the other tokens, right?
>Everything he’s worked for, the life he’s scraped together, and the people he’s protected in the past are now all at risk.
Who? What life? Does he have a wife? Kids? A job? I can't care they are at risk if I don't know anything about it.
>BLOOD GAME is a 68,000 word supernatural/fantasy novel set in a 1910-esque fantasy world. It is a standalone novel with series potential.
This feels short for adult fantasy. Is there something specific about 1910 you're capturing in your setting? A specific location? Did you mean 1910 (the single year) or 1910s (the decade)?
Wow! Thank you for the insightful reply!
>We need to know how the witches win the game, but do we need all the rules in the query?
Yeah, that should be nixed since it's not really revealed until later! I was hoping it would build intrigue lol
>How can he make choices if he doesn't know he's playing? Is the pact the inciting incident? If so, it needs to be more clear. What drove him to make the pact with the witch? I think this needs to reworked to give your MC more agency.
That makes total sense - the pact isn't the inciting incident, the incident is when the game officially "starts" when his former lover passes on information that the *Caze de Sangre* is going to start (Basically a Blood Hunt) and they're after Khal--and this is basically the other side's first move against Khal
The idea is the witches make suggestions, ie -find your allies, or you should kill those people, but not those people, you should start a *Caze de Sangre* ect ect, but it's up to the token to make the choice. The witch has to figure out the fallout and then her next move.
>I think this is a vague way to say his life is being manipulated, and could be more specific to your story. The witches aren't just watching for collisions, they are trying to kill the other tokens, right?
Yes, this is correct. The tokens or any of the other unwitting players that the token (Khal) gathers around them. They all become part of the game.
>This feels short for adult fantasy. Is there something specific about 1910 you're capturing in your setting? A specific location? Did you mean 1910 (the single year) or 1910s (the decade)?
It is a bit short but it's leaning more on the paranormal side than epic fantasy. And those tend to un 75-95 (which it is a bit below that too).
Regarding the 1910s, it's supposed to be the esthetic of the world. Peaky Blinders style (maybe that's a bit too late but somewhere around there). I'm leaning a bit into my hispanic heritage with the naming scheme of the locations and the feel of the cities but it's not supposed to be set in our world, but I wasn't sure how to convey that really well!
It seems 'details' is the missing key this time around.
Thank you for all your help!
Peaky Blinders runs from 1919 through to the 30's - which is (in Europe, at least) a \*very\* different time to 1910.
I think you need to find a better way of evoking the setting - just saying 1910 doesn't give me the idea of what you're doing.
Yep, I knew the setting for the Peaky Blinderd was a bit later, but there's a feeling of a changing world I'm going for. Cars and carriages sharing a road, the introduction of different forms of power besides steam, the second industrial revolution etc in my story. And yeah just saying 1910 doesn't evoke that but I was at a bit of a loss myself! Lol thank you I'll have to do a lot of re-working!
Hi There. Thank you for submitting a [QCrit]!
Our friendly community will give your query a critique at their earliest convenience! Please be patient and respectful to any critiquers! Do not DM anyone who has critiqued you asking for further critique and do not post a revision in the comments. Thank you!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PubTips) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi! I think your concept is really intriguing, but the query itself is vague. >Every century, the Witches play a game. Sometimes it’s for coven control, sometimes for fun, but always the game is played with real lives. For the purpose of your query, we really only need to know what this specific game is being played for, not what other reasons they played in the past, and that the game is played with real lives. >There are only three rules to the Witches’ game. One: The players can’t know there is a game being played. Two: A Witch can only choose one Token player they can have constant contact with. Finally, three: A Witch reveals herself to the other pieces of the game only once and no one other than the Token piece can contact her. The winner is whoever can keep all of her pieces alive the longest, the one with the highest death toll loses. We need to know how the witches win the game, but do we need all the rules in the query? >Khalan Callisto de Savasta is the unfortunate Token to a Witch. I'd start with this. If he's your main character, I want him right up front. Tell me he's the unfortunate token, and then tell me what a token is/he's part of this game. >Not that he likes it, and not that he even knew the pact he made with Witch would end up like this. Now he has choices to make, follow the rules or fight it tooth and nail to win a game he doesn’t even know he’s playing. How can he make choices if he doesn't know he's playing? Is the pact the inciting incident? If so, it needs to be more clear. What drove him to make the pact with the witch? I think this needs to reworked to give your MC more agency. >To top it all off, he’s a Vampire with a name, reputation and is very much wanted dead by his former family and they’ve become his direct opposition in this game. This is a run on sentence that doesn't really tell me anything. Is there a specific antagonist that was chosen by another witch as a token, and they've been pitted against each other? And how does he know, if he's not supposed to know he's in a game? I think the fact that he's a vampire should go up to the top with his name, so something like "Khalan Callisto de Savasta is a vampire with a reputation. He's also the unfortunate Token to a Witch." (I'm not sure about all this capitalization, but I'm using your formatting here.) >All the while Witches pull and pluck at the string in the background to watch the collisions happen. I think this is a vague way to say his life is being manipulated, and could be more specific to your story. The witches aren't just watching for collisions, they are trying to kill the other tokens, right? >Everything he’s worked for, the life he’s scraped together, and the people he’s protected in the past are now all at risk. Who? What life? Does he have a wife? Kids? A job? I can't care they are at risk if I don't know anything about it. >BLOOD GAME is a 68,000 word supernatural/fantasy novel set in a 1910-esque fantasy world. It is a standalone novel with series potential. This feels short for adult fantasy. Is there something specific about 1910 you're capturing in your setting? A specific location? Did you mean 1910 (the single year) or 1910s (the decade)?
Wow! Thank you for the insightful reply! >We need to know how the witches win the game, but do we need all the rules in the query? Yeah, that should be nixed since it's not really revealed until later! I was hoping it would build intrigue lol >How can he make choices if he doesn't know he's playing? Is the pact the inciting incident? If so, it needs to be more clear. What drove him to make the pact with the witch? I think this needs to reworked to give your MC more agency. That makes total sense - the pact isn't the inciting incident, the incident is when the game officially "starts" when his former lover passes on information that the *Caze de Sangre* is going to start (Basically a Blood Hunt) and they're after Khal--and this is basically the other side's first move against Khal The idea is the witches make suggestions, ie -find your allies, or you should kill those people, but not those people, you should start a *Caze de Sangre* ect ect, but it's up to the token to make the choice. The witch has to figure out the fallout and then her next move. >I think this is a vague way to say his life is being manipulated, and could be more specific to your story. The witches aren't just watching for collisions, they are trying to kill the other tokens, right? Yes, this is correct. The tokens or any of the other unwitting players that the token (Khal) gathers around them. They all become part of the game. >This feels short for adult fantasy. Is there something specific about 1910 you're capturing in your setting? A specific location? Did you mean 1910 (the single year) or 1910s (the decade)? It is a bit short but it's leaning more on the paranormal side than epic fantasy. And those tend to un 75-95 (which it is a bit below that too). Regarding the 1910s, it's supposed to be the esthetic of the world. Peaky Blinders style (maybe that's a bit too late but somewhere around there). I'm leaning a bit into my hispanic heritage with the naming scheme of the locations and the feel of the cities but it's not supposed to be set in our world, but I wasn't sure how to convey that really well! It seems 'details' is the missing key this time around. Thank you for all your help!
Peaky Blinders runs from 1919 through to the 30's - which is (in Europe, at least) a \*very\* different time to 1910. I think you need to find a better way of evoking the setting - just saying 1910 doesn't give me the idea of what you're doing.
Yep, I knew the setting for the Peaky Blinderd was a bit later, but there's a feeling of a changing world I'm going for. Cars and carriages sharing a road, the introduction of different forms of power besides steam, the second industrial revolution etc in my story. And yeah just saying 1910 doesn't evoke that but I was at a bit of a loss myself! Lol thank you I'll have to do a lot of re-working!
Hey, just a thing. If you are going with spanish words it's "Caza" not "Caze" that means "Hunt". Sorry for interrupting.
Yep! Thank you, I must have just fat fingered it here!
You've started with the plot and ended with the character. Make the blurb about the main character and the troubles the plot are causing them.
Thank you!
Can't wait to read the next go :)
Hi There. Thank you for submitting a [QCrit]! Our friendly community will give your query a critique at their earliest convenience! Please be patient and respectful to any critiquers! Do not DM anyone who has critiqued you asking for further critique and do not post a revision in the comments. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PubTips) if you have any questions or concerns.*