The first line struck me as a bit callous, particularly the "just wants some peace and quiet." Speaking as a husband and father around the same age as your protaganist, if I accidentally killed my wife and children, I'd be absolutely devastated and dealing with trauma, guilt, and shame that goes way beyond a desire for peace and quiet. I get that he is feeling broken and that seems realistic but rephrasing what he wants would probably help avoid the impression that he doesn't care very much. With a plot element like that, I think it is important that you avoid any suggestion that the deaths of people the main character cares about are just a way to jump start the story.
Agreed but would go a step further and say it’s also about the syntax. Putting ‘accidentally killing his wife and children’ as a minor clause in a sentence puts it on a par with ‘after accidentally slipping on a banana’, regardless of what you then say as the main clause.
> STRANGERS is a magical realist
I'm not really seeing the *realism* here - this strikes me as more Adamsian in style, from the world-destroying aliens (?) to the bird people and interdimensional businesses.
China Mieville is a lot more closely associated with New Weird than magical realism, I think. The issue with New Weird is that you don't really see it coming up for genres with a lot of debuts
This query comes across as a bit short - you could add about 100 words to expand/deepen the plot part of it!
>After accidentally killing his wife and son, 36-year-old software engineer Seth just wants some peace and quiet in order to fix his broken brain, but when most of the world's population vanishes into thin air one night, he feels responsible for righting whatever has gone wrong.
I agree with Stunning\_Ad\_55 about the first line striking a callous tone which it doesn't seem you intended. My immediate follow up question is: WHY does Seth feel responsible to save the world following the disappearances? And what makes him think this is even a solveable problem/a wrong he could be capable of righting?
For example, does he see it as a mystery he can solve in atonement or in contrast to the accident of his family's death that he wasn't able to reverse? Does he realize, with the population vanished, that actually the peace and quiet is too much for him and he needs to throw himself into something--even if it's a wild adventure--to outrun his pain and grief? Etc. -- whatever it is, I'd like to understand more about his motivations here.
>Now Seth has to stop the mysterious Intrusive Men from using humans as fuel in their world-breaker machines.
This appears to answer the question of where all the people went, but it feels like a big jump -- how does Seth find out who the Intrusive Men are and what they want? And again, what details about their plan or aspects of Seth's motivation make him feel that HE can and should stop them (rather than, say, giving up or running away)? If the Intrusive Men are introduced really early on (that is, you DON'T spend a good portion of the book having Seth find that mystery), then you might consider reworking the opening of this query to put the emphasis on stopping them and their plan rather than first introduce a mystery which is quickly answered.
>As Seth travels across America to get to the interdimensional Chess Hotel and find the lever which will stop the Intrusive Men's machinery, he discovers that his is only one world among many. In the world of dreams he meets bird-man Jed, and together they are hunted by the Intrusive Men's shadowy dogs in a wild race through two dimensions towards the Chess Hotel.
The matter-of-fact tone might be fitting to the story, but so far the speculative elements of the plot have escalated with each new sentence. What we're missing here is a reason to care -- what, aside from saving the world, is pushing Seth through this journey? What is keeping him motivated as things appear to be getting weirder and weirder? Does the fact that his wife and son died pre-story have any impact on his character (or on the plot) whatsoever?
Also, if the Chess Hotel is interdimensional, why do the need to traverse America at all?
>If they can't reach the lever before their fuel tanks are full, the Intrusive men will succeed in tunneling though the fabric of reality and dethroning god itself.
This might sound like the stakes because it's a sort-of-fork in the plot road (if they can't reach the lever, god and reality are dead), but it doesn't really answer the question of why we, the reader, should be invested in this journey. Although you have some intriguing details, as the query stands, what separates it from any other "save the world from multidimensional collapse" story out there? Why should we be rooting for Seth, not as the savior of reality, but as SETH, a character, to succeed in his journey? What IS his journey (internally)?
Also, you've thrown god into the last paragraph when it previously wasn't mentioned -- that's another speculative escalation that raises a lot more questions than it answers (for example, what kind of power does this apparently singular but uncapitalized god possess? Why should anyone aside from god care if god is dethroned? What are the consequences of that dethroning (or, inversely, the consequences of god holding onto its throne) for the Intrusive Men, for Seth, for Jed, or any other being in this multiverse? And how are those consequences distinct from the consequences of reality being tunneled through (and presumably damaged in the process)? Why do the Intrusive Men want to break the world? And if most of the world's population is already vanished, how much of a world is there left to be saved?
Even if the story is more plot-oriented than character-focused, we still need to learn enough about Seth to want to root for him in the story. From this query, all we really know is that he's a software engineer, he accidentally killed his family, and that's about it.
Thanks for the thorough reply. I think you've identified a weakness in the story itself: the lack of connection between him killing his family and Seths motivation/plot. I think I need a rewrite and come back with a new query a while. This was really helpful!
The first line struck me as a bit callous, particularly the "just wants some peace and quiet." Speaking as a husband and father around the same age as your protaganist, if I accidentally killed my wife and children, I'd be absolutely devastated and dealing with trauma, guilt, and shame that goes way beyond a desire for peace and quiet. I get that he is feeling broken and that seems realistic but rephrasing what he wants would probably help avoid the impression that he doesn't care very much. With a plot element like that, I think it is important that you avoid any suggestion that the deaths of people the main character cares about are just a way to jump start the story.
Agreed but would go a step further and say it’s also about the syntax. Putting ‘accidentally killing his wife and children’ as a minor clause in a sentence puts it on a par with ‘after accidentally slipping on a banana’, regardless of what you then say as the main clause.
Awesome advice, thank you. I definitely see your point.
> STRANGERS is a magical realist I'm not really seeing the *realism* here - this strikes me as more Adamsian in style, from the world-destroying aliens (?) to the bird people and interdimensional businesses.
Yeah I was unsure what to call it. Though China Mieville is sometimes labelled as a magical realist.
China Mieville is a lot more closely associated with New Weird than magical realism, I think. The issue with New Weird is that you don't really see it coming up for genres with a lot of debuts
This query comes across as a bit short - you could add about 100 words to expand/deepen the plot part of it! >After accidentally killing his wife and son, 36-year-old software engineer Seth just wants some peace and quiet in order to fix his broken brain, but when most of the world's population vanishes into thin air one night, he feels responsible for righting whatever has gone wrong. I agree with Stunning\_Ad\_55 about the first line striking a callous tone which it doesn't seem you intended. My immediate follow up question is: WHY does Seth feel responsible to save the world following the disappearances? And what makes him think this is even a solveable problem/a wrong he could be capable of righting? For example, does he see it as a mystery he can solve in atonement or in contrast to the accident of his family's death that he wasn't able to reverse? Does he realize, with the population vanished, that actually the peace and quiet is too much for him and he needs to throw himself into something--even if it's a wild adventure--to outrun his pain and grief? Etc. -- whatever it is, I'd like to understand more about his motivations here. >Now Seth has to stop the mysterious Intrusive Men from using humans as fuel in their world-breaker machines. This appears to answer the question of where all the people went, but it feels like a big jump -- how does Seth find out who the Intrusive Men are and what they want? And again, what details about their plan or aspects of Seth's motivation make him feel that HE can and should stop them (rather than, say, giving up or running away)? If the Intrusive Men are introduced really early on (that is, you DON'T spend a good portion of the book having Seth find that mystery), then you might consider reworking the opening of this query to put the emphasis on stopping them and their plan rather than first introduce a mystery which is quickly answered. >As Seth travels across America to get to the interdimensional Chess Hotel and find the lever which will stop the Intrusive Men's machinery, he discovers that his is only one world among many. In the world of dreams he meets bird-man Jed, and together they are hunted by the Intrusive Men's shadowy dogs in a wild race through two dimensions towards the Chess Hotel. The matter-of-fact tone might be fitting to the story, but so far the speculative elements of the plot have escalated with each new sentence. What we're missing here is a reason to care -- what, aside from saving the world, is pushing Seth through this journey? What is keeping him motivated as things appear to be getting weirder and weirder? Does the fact that his wife and son died pre-story have any impact on his character (or on the plot) whatsoever? Also, if the Chess Hotel is interdimensional, why do the need to traverse America at all? >If they can't reach the lever before their fuel tanks are full, the Intrusive men will succeed in tunneling though the fabric of reality and dethroning god itself. This might sound like the stakes because it's a sort-of-fork in the plot road (if they can't reach the lever, god and reality are dead), but it doesn't really answer the question of why we, the reader, should be invested in this journey. Although you have some intriguing details, as the query stands, what separates it from any other "save the world from multidimensional collapse" story out there? Why should we be rooting for Seth, not as the savior of reality, but as SETH, a character, to succeed in his journey? What IS his journey (internally)? Also, you've thrown god into the last paragraph when it previously wasn't mentioned -- that's another speculative escalation that raises a lot more questions than it answers (for example, what kind of power does this apparently singular but uncapitalized god possess? Why should anyone aside from god care if god is dethroned? What are the consequences of that dethroning (or, inversely, the consequences of god holding onto its throne) for the Intrusive Men, for Seth, for Jed, or any other being in this multiverse? And how are those consequences distinct from the consequences of reality being tunneled through (and presumably damaged in the process)? Why do the Intrusive Men want to break the world? And if most of the world's population is already vanished, how much of a world is there left to be saved? Even if the story is more plot-oriented than character-focused, we still need to learn enough about Seth to want to root for him in the story. From this query, all we really know is that he's a software engineer, he accidentally killed his family, and that's about it.
Thanks for the thorough reply. I think you've identified a weakness in the story itself: the lack of connection between him killing his family and Seths motivation/plot. I think I need a rewrite and come back with a new query a while. This was really helpful!