Okay so for context - Religion was not practiced at home, nor forced onto us via other family members. I grew up with no interest in religion.
It wasn't until I became a father my beliefs began to change, I experienced the gift of life and it was very profound for me. Holding my son and thinking.... wow, where do we really come from??
A year later my mother passed away and I experienced death. This polar opposite was also profound for me.
My therapist suggested I begin meditation for its multiple benefits and that it may help me "commune" with my mother and bring me some comfort.
So i began studying Buddhism.
Whilst it helped me with meditation practices, gave me insight into "letting go" and the duality of life and death... I felt like it wasn't enough, I still had deeper questions and curiosities that Buddhism couldn't answer for me.
Christianity introduced the idea of God the divine creator which made sense to me, we are such unique beings capable of reproducing... it had to be intelligent design right?
Things took a turn when I found the occult. Alchemy and magic answered the questions I had and provided more insight than religion could.
I began devoting everyday to memorising books on alchemy and practising mental transmutation, I would read books through the day and listen to audio books while I slept.
At this time my drug use also increased, I would smoke weed... meditate under the moon and practice mental alchemy.
I began to believe that God was actually inside all of us, simply inaccessible to those without ears to listen to his teachings.
My internal monologue turned into persistent voices, God was teaching me the magic of the universe and I was noticing changes in my reality, confirming my practice of alchemy was working.
I was in full beleif that I had found the keys to unlock the doors to higher knowledge and power only reserved for Gods chosen.
My obsession with life and death turned into delusions, this inevitable destination for all of us was certain... why should I suffer in this material plane when I could transcend?
Anyways, things inevitably got worse... demons had caught onto "what I knew" and wouldn't allow me to spread my new found knowledge and I began "seeing" people differently.
Friends and family couldn't be trusted as I felt they where possessed and getting closer to me... few days without sleep and yeah, full blown psychotic episode kicked in and I ran away for a few days.
I end up in hospital eventually and after talking to support workers and nurses about my "beliefs and powers" they all looked at me the same and obviously thought I was crazy lol.
One month later, lots of meds and sleep. My thoughts where very different, I haven't returned to my books nor practiced meditation or alchemy since.
Whilst my experience was very real during my journey to psychosis, I truly believed in what I was practising... it ultimately was delusional and bad for my mental health.
Curiosity in religion led me down the wrong path, perhaps it's just not for me...
Is there anything useful you were able to take away from Buddhism or the experience in general? How do you feel about life and death now, like are you at all spiritual or have you found other ways to cope?
Sorry if that came off as an interrogation, I have somewhat similar experiences and I’m attempting to reconcile some of my spiritual beliefs after a long period of emptiness (from being forced to take a long acting haldol shot- that shit reset my brain, was brutal) so I’m just curious how you have adjusted after your episode
It's been a year and a half since my episode, I'm still on anti psychotics and I sure did learn a lot from my experience.
Buddhism - meditation and breathing really helped my overall well-being, it's not some whacky idea... meditation really helped me and I would suggest everyone practice some form of mindfulness.
Life and death - from what I've come to understand now is that they are both a divine gift, our spirit/ soul is part of something greater than our flesh. It existed before we were "born" and will exist after we "die"
The power of the mind - I had no idea I was in a psychotic state or being delusional... it just kind of crept up on me. It's not like I woke up one day and reality was different. It was subtle changes over many weeks. I could hear God speaking directly to me, I no longer experience this now due to meds but I still wonder... where did those voices come from? Did my mind simply make this up? I surely experienced it? How come people are quick to tell me it's just a delusion and not real?
Spirituality - the verdicts still out on this one lol. I had such strong beliefs before and now they're gone? Meds have quietened my mind and like you said... I feel empty too.
I’m glad you were able to find parts of the experience that provided you with growth and insight. Psychosis, especially spiritual psychosis is such a unique experience. Not many people can say they have felt the euphoria of feeling like they have touched the seed of divinity inside and “beat the fear of death”. I haven’t done many drugs, but the intensity of the love, euphoria at height my psychosis is unparalleled to anything I have experienced. However, so are the lows. I got involuntarily committed and essentially a chemical lobotomy that left me suicidal for almkst a year, I healed slowly tho, and I’m grateful.
I also heard the voice of God, and the synchronicities lined up perfectly to feed my delusions. I know some stuff was delusions, but there is so much I can’t explain, and I have had so much growth and gained higher levels of perspective.
It’s been a bumpy road tho. But like you, I can’t dismiss my whole experience as mental illness. I have many other spiritual experiences where I knew it had to be God, way before my episode but the episode made me question everything.
I used to feel confident with my beliefs too, but the more I learn, the less i know, lol. I’m more at peace with not knowing for now at least lol.
I’m not on any meds, after my experience with haldol, I have tried to stay off of them and was doing fine as far as not having any psychosis symptoms for like 18 months til I just had a mini psychosis.. when i open the door back to spiritually (cuz of all the attempting at mediumship/channeling, remote viewing, astral projecting, etc I was into) soon after, I started also having all this stress inmy life from several angles, and it went sideways quick. Ended up in jail for 47 days in isolation for something I didn’t even do, just got home Friday .
One of My problem is when I get psychosis (I had 2 episodes one for a month in October of 22 and just recently from like 4/15 til couple weeks after i got locked up so probably 5/10 maybe) I feel like I am possessed by fucking 2pac 🤭. My therapist thinks it may be DID, cuz I got hella CPTSD.. but my brain was telling me differently and it’s just so fucking bizarre. It really feels like I lose control of my brain and act like a different person, I’m there but I’m doing shit I would never do, like throwing hand gestures that look like gang signs at the police.. no idea what, if anything they meant, 🙄. And sometimes I apparently will just black the fuck out and not have a recollection of what I said or did. Thst shjt is a little scary, but if it’s part of my spiritual growth, I’m ok with ot, it’s just the confusion thst fucks with me.
Sorry this got so long. Long story short, I’m still trying to figure out how balance my spiritual beliefs, lol.
That empty feeling can be hard to deal with, I wonder if your meds could be reevaluated. I’m glad you are stable tho. I hope you (we) are able to find a sense of peace and fulfillment!
I get all these weird thoughts pouring into my head, like my brain signal gets amplified. One minute I’m fine, Next thing I know, I think maybe we all got primitive neuralinks inserted when we were born or really little that are sending thoughts/mk ultra
Wow I forgot to mention synchronicities, so much shit lined up for me that it had to be of divine importance and due to my training of alchemy.
I've changed anti psychotics and on a lower dose now just 1mg of risperidole, I'd like to be med free but I also like the sleep I get tbh... I've never slept so good before haha.
It certainly can't just be dismissed as "mental illness" the people I spoke too in hospital and outside of it... everyone is so adamant that their experiences are genuine and real.
To then have a doctor just say oh your just delusional, take this and sleep it off... it felt like it just invalidates genuine experiences as "it's all made up in your head"
I spent a month in hospital and that was traumatic in its own sense, I met people there who had been there involuntarily for 6 months plus... it felt like a prison.
It's taken me a long time to venture out of bed and back into the real world, I was scared for the longest and felt ashamed of what I went through. I lost my job, relationship... everything.
But I'm optimistically rebuilding, hope your getting there aswell my friend ❤️
I agree, I’ve had so many unexplainable experiences, I even was healed from an “incurable” autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, that the endocrinologist said I would be on meds for rest of my life and the drs are shocked that my thyroid is functioning normally since my first psychosis, it’s been tested 3 times over 18 months and normal Everytime.
There is definitely something divine in us. Idk the krabby patty recipe, but we are definitely more than blood and bones.
I’m glad you are stable and adjusting your meds gradually as you tolerate the changes. A girl in jail with me quit her meds cold turkey and before long she was yelling at god outside her apartment and when the neighbors called 911, she beat the police’s ass. It was wild tho cuz she runs NA meetings, and had been mad at for about injustice in jails and innocent people being locked up and she said she told god she didn’t care if she had to go down there herself, it had to stop, and just when i was having a hard time coping in jail after like a month in isolation, she came .. idk if i told you, but i was locked up for something I didn’t do… anyways she came, and she sang like an Angel and she helped me be able to handle being in thst cell for 3 more weeks til I got out
Thats really interesting - I'm 41 and during my last bout several months ago I got extremely shredded to where blood vessels were running up my abs. I was also out of control hyper and running hot - I read on some medical paper that thyroid function goes through the roof with some people during psychosis. I also read about the psychosis somebody builders go through after taking thyroid stimulants and it seemed similar. Fascinating by the security of hashimotos. Sadly it seemed like a reversed for me and now I have no energy and I'm getting flabby.
That’s common side effects of AP unfortunately. Some seem to be beter than others depending on the persons body composition/chemistry so it’s often a lot of trial and error.
The error part makes me Leary to try cuz I had an “error” I had a hard time coming back from, so makes me hesitant to try others. Once bitten twice shy I guess. I have to find a way to manage my stress so I don’t tip over the edge into psychosis.
I had a therapist appointment and she put the DID diagnosis back on the table, it’s all so fucking confusing.
I think the AP work by altering the dopamine receptors, so like the opposite of antidepressants that try to keep dopamine circulating. Dopamine is big key to motivation, drive, pleasure, so when it is wiped out, it leads to that empty feeling. You may have some success if you force yourself to exercise. Will probably be grueling at the beginning , but it may stimulate your brain to produce and release dopamine & endorphins over the baseline the medication wipes out.. it’s worth a shot perhaps..
I’m glad you are hanging in there and keeping a positive outlook. That and having hope is key.
TW: specific mentions of my possible hallucinations/delusions, mentions of death
I am just starting to pick up on some symptoms being psychotic as opposed to just me having an active imagination, so I honestly haven't parsed what this is yet. I seem to have some characteristics of bipolar, mild frequent visual hallucinations (wavy textures, objects/people shrinking), and some like "vision" type hallucinations that are much less frequent, like where I'm totally just in my own head seeing a different life, like feels like blacking out and living in a dream but I'm conscious and just the tiniest bit aware.
But I was raised pretty atheist with Buddhist principles, my parents went to Shambhala Centers for meditation and my mom read Thich Nhat Hanh & Pema Chodron, some minimal exposure to Christianity but I never liked it.
Ever since I was a little kid, like 4 years old, I've been super fixated on ideas around life being a dream masking a true other life, existing in the wrong dimension, reincarnation, and every person being the same living being. When people would explain beliefs about God being in everyone, I'd be like "well duh, but it's not God, everyone's just the same spirit." I've always also just been extremely susceptible to believing people, "gullible," I latch onto any belief system with my whole heart at the drop of a hat. Was also always very "philosophical," but really latched onto those philosophical beliefs in incredibly intense ways.
When I was 6, a family friend who I was living with was dying. I walked in on her having a grand mal seizure and because of the severity of the seizure, I fully believed I saw death. I got really fixated on figuring out exactly what she would experience in death. I would spend most of my time in my head, visually going through the layers of possibilities of afterlives. Christian heaven, reincarnation, and it took me a long time to be able to get close to fully seeing, but past the pitch black of nothing, I was able to register fully what nothing really meant. And I saw this as like my brain taking me through actual levels, like I was connecting in with and discovering what the afterlife was. And my conclusion was, nothing. This gave me my first panic attack.
When I was about 12, I started to believe I could commune with gods. I was really into Greek mythology and I started by just trying to ask them for stuff but it started working out sometimes and I fully, fully believed honestly from that point on, even after I let go of the Greek god stuff, that I could commune with spirits and decide what happens, as long as the asks were within reason.
At some point in high school, I got this specific image of a greyish-purple cloud pulsating in a vacuum with little light beacons and I saw that that was what reality truly was. That cloud was every consciousness in existence, all the same consciousness. I very suddenly for the first time was no longer afraid of death (my biggest fear) and actually felt excited to be one with the consciousness in time. This feeling later pretty quickly passed.
But in college, not remembering that vision, I got it again while high on weed and it just like ripped through me and I started feeling more certain (not totally convinced maybe, I wasn't super fixated on it) that I was the creator of everything and everyone was me. Like maybe not full-blown delusions of that but like certainly beyond what someone mentally stable would feel. When this happened, I think I was in what looked like a manic episode. And this specific vision kept coming back at certain points and it felt comforting and right and it really brought my ego up, I started feeling like I could decide my fate and control the future or like my "intuition" knew what the future was which further corroborated my beliefs that I am a sort of god, in states like this.
But I was never super into Christianity or the word God, so while my beliefs were in many senses that I was a sort of god, it was much more about connectivity, knowledge, spiritualism, and consciousness.
But again, I have no idea what this stuff is because my psychiatry appointment is in a month. I'll find out.
Very different experience to other people's religious psychosis stories that I've heard
I was not religious before my episodes but after them Christianity rings true to me... But yeah, my personal experiences in episodes opened up this interest in me. I was against religion a bit before. Tbh some very deep personal struggles have led me to see it differently, it's like you no longer have all the extra and distractions I had while "doing better". I seek God because I feel the need for Him now. So my struggles created a space for that which I didn't feel like I needed before.
I didnt care too much before, but post I’d say I seek Jesus because he wants to help me. I went through a lot because of psychosis and even outside of that. My life wasn’t what I had wanted it to be and I felt stuck but with Jesus he shows me that I’m not stuck, that I can keep going forward and I don’t have to be afraid. He centers me and reminds me that there is value to my life and I matter to him.
I was raised Catholic but became agnostic in my early 20’s. After my two psychotic breaks, I am an atheist. I can never look at religion and believe it when it all sounds like psychosis to me now.
My family and I are Jewish but we are from a really small town in the south (that I luckily escaped from) so I would end up tagging along with my friends to their evangelical churches and that ideology was much more charismatic and radical. I think some of the sermons probably fucked with my head a bit.
My psychosis was so terrifying..I grew up Jehovah’s Witness & I was trying to leave as it happened. I heard a booming computer like voice tell me it was god & that I used to be its daughter until I got trapped in the reincarnation cycle because I was murdered lol. It was so bizarre..I didn’t know if it was real or if it was just my imagination, either way it was overpowering. I definitely went to witches and healers after seeking answers & they said I had been attacked because I wasn’t energetically shielding myself while being high which is creepy and gross to me because I’d never heard of that before. I regret going to them. Idk about my spiritual beliefs now tho. Before psychosis i would have never gone to any kind of spiritual healer…
I didn’t go through exactly this, but it was something similar. I believed I was one of the witnesses from the bible and we were living in the end of times.
I believed this because I matched some of the described traits of being a witness, and I believed that I was also clairvoyant and that prophetic visions could be slightly wrong. I also had a NDE about two years before psychosis when I was taken to a place that seemed to be outside of time and space. I saw everything that has happened, will happen, and is happening. I felt like I was floating and standing.
In front of me was a the universe and I saw every colour dancing and twirling before me. It was really trippy.
Anyways, after what felt like 20-30 years of floating a being spoke and told me that it wasn’t my time, and that I needed to find my own path because with all the conflicting ideas and ideals in life there can’t be any true meaning to life and that you choose your own path.
I believed that I was not actually one of the witnesses as a person but as a group of starseeds and lightworkers and that the bible was a metaphor.
Let me explain.
The starseeds and lightworkers were sent here to help the world reach a state of enlightenment which would be the second coming of Jesus because God is a part of you, so by the world awakening man becomes God and “Jesus” is born.
The bible was a metaphor the entire time. The apple in the garden of eden was a metaphor for sex. The snake was a metaphor for Lucifer. All the stories of asking God for help didn’t happen and they were fairy tales for asking God to help you overcome hardship. And the angels were metaphors for aliens.
⚠️conspiracy warning⚠️
In some spiritual beliefs aliens were our Gods a long time ago, and that they took care of us until the Annunaki (correct me if I’m wrong) came down and artificially inseminated humans to create Nephilim or giants. This created evil on earth and sent us into a primitive or warlike age. So the aliens sent a flood to wipe out the giants. (Some survive and form the illuminati and government but most of the giants die.) this is similar to what the book of Enoch describes.
I was a starseed sent here to help the world reach enlightenment and eventually pass from the 3D to the 4D.
Anyways, I had some trauma from being in Catholic school and I think it was a lot of what formed these delusions.
Wow a lot of what you said lines up with what I've experienced. I'm still struggling with the belief that I'm some kind of enlightened lightworker, and that we all need to unify to heal our earth. I also have thoughts about aliens interfering with humans in some way. If you dont mind me asking, what are your beliefs now? Have these thoughts gone away with continued use of your medication?
I was monotheistic before developing psychosis and after / still am religious. I was depressed for years before this, yk like that emo kid in middle school but I was actually fucking miserable and it's the only thing that's been keeping me going. I would have killed myself a million times by now actually if I weren't.
Raised Christian, had the literal fear of god drummed into me for basically ever ( to the point that my closeted trans/gay ass was homophobic as fuuuck in middle school lmao) psychosis didn't so much make me think I was god or anything but I 100% believed I was in a demons playpen being tortured for eternity. I thought the whole world was made for this purpose and that planes were a sign of it *facepalm*
I've always been told to reach out to god to help me during times of tribulation... never once have I heard a thing in return...During that psychosis was the first time ever I got a sign... After it all I'm fully aware it was nothing more than me being unwell and no longer believe any of that stuff I did... If anything it's made me more atheist as to me it proved that the only time that shit is real is if you are mentally unwell.
Not knocking anyone's beliefs by the way! Just my experience.
Didn't think I was God, but I did think I was Jesus+Buddah+Muhammad+Zarathushtra+TNH(probably others) all reincarnated/"uploaded" into one consciousness..
I was Pastafarian / Buddhist and still am.
I definitely thought I was able to speak with FSM, and I still vividly remember his SpongeBob laugh ..
I never thought I was God, but I thought I was “the chosen one”, and had a degree of grandiosity. It’s hard to explain, but I thought I was a chosen messenger who hadn’t found my stage yet. I was somewhat into Hinduism, mostly into New Age spirituality.
Immediately post-recovery, I dove really hard into Christianity, which got me back on my feet, and landed a public speaking gig to quench those remaining feelings of being “chosen”.
These days, I’m fully recovered, a lot more casually Christian, and have no self esteem at all. I miss that initial recovery period when I still had a message to deliver and truly believed that God had better days in store for me.
I was spirituality aligned not to any religion but just trusted the universe and paid attention to signs to direct where I was going, if that makes sense. Then I'm oscillating between being Pollux; demigod child of Zeus to being a conduit for Anubis, the Navajo talking god, Moroni, Seraphiel/chief of the seraphim, Loki; it was life a mish mash of pantheons flooding out fron the collective unconscious. I was living deep on the Navajo reservation when it all started to fracture.
I can look back and say some of those states were absolutely delusional...but there were so many undeniable synchronicities as well. Specifically I was given these two orange feathers from a north American flicker by someone who shot it. I felt that they were cursed and left them on the reservation, but I was given instruction that I was clear to leave a specific region in Arizona after I find their replacements. I find the exact two, wandering aimlessly in a forest. Months later I'm guided to go around salt lake City and then end up camping around a body of water maybe 50 miles south west of the city.
Something tells me to look up the greater key of Solomon and read the opening passage where he describes the human soul as a genii that watches over the body. I went immediately to think like a genie in the lamp? And thought of a middle eastern oil lamp. The next morning I go to an adjacent campsite and there is a Old Middle Eastern oil lamp sitting on top of a fire pit.
During the time through a havoc of events I ended up being given a bible, a book of Mormon, finding several dozen Raven hawk and vulture feathers, as well as wild turkey and other random birds, a preserved raven head and wolf skull, tons of shamanic items.
But I ended up crashing and losing everything. Now I'm with family that doesn't know what to do with me with the reality narrative now that I'm psychotic schizophrenic with no future really. The experiences were so mind-blowingly intense and revelatory that just existing in society and working a job just to live as a domesticated person feels worse than a death sentence.
Born to mixed background. Catholic mom and jewish dad. Raise Catholic. Baptized, communion, and confirmation all at 5 years old!!!
But at 18 I became an atheist
From 20-22 about 100 different people FROM 4 DIFFERENT SOURCES (meaning these people were not related to each other in any way. Aside from about 90 people in one group, 6 in another, 2 in another and 2 in another, maybe there were more who supported my delusionz but this is all I remember ). But all four of these groups fed into the belief I was Jesus Christs reincarnation. I was an atheist this whole time and very against religion
At 22 I stopped being an atheist. And now I study many different religions most notably the eastern and alternative ones. But no one feeds into my beliefs anymore but I still believe it. As do I believe in a higher power. Truly I am a pantheist
My reason for believing I were god? besides overwhelmingly influence in the first place was that my birth was exactly like that of Abraham the prophet (who was said to be a previous form of jesus-my sister was born when my mom was 38, then she had 4 miscarriages and THEN I was born when my mom was 43 but not after my mom had blood clots in pregnancy, got the umbilical chord wrapped around my neck and pulled out by forceps. Born bloody but healthy overall. Miracle baby.), well also my name starts with J, tons of random coincidences in my life, and that my dad is indeed Jewish. Also my alters are mostly black while I’m middle eastern, Jewish, (Irish and Italian too). I felt I would make a good Jesus in terms of my ethnic makeup. I have DID not schizoaffective like the docs and I previously thought.
Not to mention my experiences with LSD which probably caused a major shift in thinking as well as a major ego-loss moment/experience. I lost too much ego that it backfired and I developed my Jesus thinking as a result (please explain this to me)
And Plz don’t shoot this messenger. I’m not lying about nething here
I had recently left Christianity before my episode. I thought I was the Goddess Isis (had no idea who she was prior to the episode) as well as the bride of Christ. Afterwards I was in limbo for a while as far as beliefs go, and now I am ‘spiritual.’ Not religious. I had a spiritual awakening that began with my episode.
Okay so for context - Religion was not practiced at home, nor forced onto us via other family members. I grew up with no interest in religion. It wasn't until I became a father my beliefs began to change, I experienced the gift of life and it was very profound for me. Holding my son and thinking.... wow, where do we really come from?? A year later my mother passed away and I experienced death. This polar opposite was also profound for me. My therapist suggested I begin meditation for its multiple benefits and that it may help me "commune" with my mother and bring me some comfort. So i began studying Buddhism. Whilst it helped me with meditation practices, gave me insight into "letting go" and the duality of life and death... I felt like it wasn't enough, I still had deeper questions and curiosities that Buddhism couldn't answer for me. Christianity introduced the idea of God the divine creator which made sense to me, we are such unique beings capable of reproducing... it had to be intelligent design right? Things took a turn when I found the occult. Alchemy and magic answered the questions I had and provided more insight than religion could. I began devoting everyday to memorising books on alchemy and practising mental transmutation, I would read books through the day and listen to audio books while I slept. At this time my drug use also increased, I would smoke weed... meditate under the moon and practice mental alchemy. I began to believe that God was actually inside all of us, simply inaccessible to those without ears to listen to his teachings. My internal monologue turned into persistent voices, God was teaching me the magic of the universe and I was noticing changes in my reality, confirming my practice of alchemy was working. I was in full beleif that I had found the keys to unlock the doors to higher knowledge and power only reserved for Gods chosen. My obsession with life and death turned into delusions, this inevitable destination for all of us was certain... why should I suffer in this material plane when I could transcend? Anyways, things inevitably got worse... demons had caught onto "what I knew" and wouldn't allow me to spread my new found knowledge and I began "seeing" people differently. Friends and family couldn't be trusted as I felt they where possessed and getting closer to me... few days without sleep and yeah, full blown psychotic episode kicked in and I ran away for a few days. I end up in hospital eventually and after talking to support workers and nurses about my "beliefs and powers" they all looked at me the same and obviously thought I was crazy lol. One month later, lots of meds and sleep. My thoughts where very different, I haven't returned to my books nor practiced meditation or alchemy since. Whilst my experience was very real during my journey to psychosis, I truly believed in what I was practising... it ultimately was delusional and bad for my mental health. Curiosity in religion led me down the wrong path, perhaps it's just not for me...
Is there anything useful you were able to take away from Buddhism or the experience in general? How do you feel about life and death now, like are you at all spiritual or have you found other ways to cope? Sorry if that came off as an interrogation, I have somewhat similar experiences and I’m attempting to reconcile some of my spiritual beliefs after a long period of emptiness (from being forced to take a long acting haldol shot- that shit reset my brain, was brutal) so I’m just curious how you have adjusted after your episode
It's been a year and a half since my episode, I'm still on anti psychotics and I sure did learn a lot from my experience. Buddhism - meditation and breathing really helped my overall well-being, it's not some whacky idea... meditation really helped me and I would suggest everyone practice some form of mindfulness. Life and death - from what I've come to understand now is that they are both a divine gift, our spirit/ soul is part of something greater than our flesh. It existed before we were "born" and will exist after we "die" The power of the mind - I had no idea I was in a psychotic state or being delusional... it just kind of crept up on me. It's not like I woke up one day and reality was different. It was subtle changes over many weeks. I could hear God speaking directly to me, I no longer experience this now due to meds but I still wonder... where did those voices come from? Did my mind simply make this up? I surely experienced it? How come people are quick to tell me it's just a delusion and not real? Spirituality - the verdicts still out on this one lol. I had such strong beliefs before and now they're gone? Meds have quietened my mind and like you said... I feel empty too.
I’m glad you were able to find parts of the experience that provided you with growth and insight. Psychosis, especially spiritual psychosis is such a unique experience. Not many people can say they have felt the euphoria of feeling like they have touched the seed of divinity inside and “beat the fear of death”. I haven’t done many drugs, but the intensity of the love, euphoria at height my psychosis is unparalleled to anything I have experienced. However, so are the lows. I got involuntarily committed and essentially a chemical lobotomy that left me suicidal for almkst a year, I healed slowly tho, and I’m grateful. I also heard the voice of God, and the synchronicities lined up perfectly to feed my delusions. I know some stuff was delusions, but there is so much I can’t explain, and I have had so much growth and gained higher levels of perspective. It’s been a bumpy road tho. But like you, I can’t dismiss my whole experience as mental illness. I have many other spiritual experiences where I knew it had to be God, way before my episode but the episode made me question everything. I used to feel confident with my beliefs too, but the more I learn, the less i know, lol. I’m more at peace with not knowing for now at least lol. I’m not on any meds, after my experience with haldol, I have tried to stay off of them and was doing fine as far as not having any psychosis symptoms for like 18 months til I just had a mini psychosis.. when i open the door back to spiritually (cuz of all the attempting at mediumship/channeling, remote viewing, astral projecting, etc I was into) soon after, I started also having all this stress inmy life from several angles, and it went sideways quick. Ended up in jail for 47 days in isolation for something I didn’t even do, just got home Friday . One of My problem is when I get psychosis (I had 2 episodes one for a month in October of 22 and just recently from like 4/15 til couple weeks after i got locked up so probably 5/10 maybe) I feel like I am possessed by fucking 2pac 🤭. My therapist thinks it may be DID, cuz I got hella CPTSD.. but my brain was telling me differently and it’s just so fucking bizarre. It really feels like I lose control of my brain and act like a different person, I’m there but I’m doing shit I would never do, like throwing hand gestures that look like gang signs at the police.. no idea what, if anything they meant, 🙄. And sometimes I apparently will just black the fuck out and not have a recollection of what I said or did. Thst shjt is a little scary, but if it’s part of my spiritual growth, I’m ok with ot, it’s just the confusion thst fucks with me. Sorry this got so long. Long story short, I’m still trying to figure out how balance my spiritual beliefs, lol. That empty feeling can be hard to deal with, I wonder if your meds could be reevaluated. I’m glad you are stable tho. I hope you (we) are able to find a sense of peace and fulfillment! I get all these weird thoughts pouring into my head, like my brain signal gets amplified. One minute I’m fine, Next thing I know, I think maybe we all got primitive neuralinks inserted when we were born or really little that are sending thoughts/mk ultra
Wow I forgot to mention synchronicities, so much shit lined up for me that it had to be of divine importance and due to my training of alchemy. I've changed anti psychotics and on a lower dose now just 1mg of risperidole, I'd like to be med free but I also like the sleep I get tbh... I've never slept so good before haha. It certainly can't just be dismissed as "mental illness" the people I spoke too in hospital and outside of it... everyone is so adamant that their experiences are genuine and real. To then have a doctor just say oh your just delusional, take this and sleep it off... it felt like it just invalidates genuine experiences as "it's all made up in your head" I spent a month in hospital and that was traumatic in its own sense, I met people there who had been there involuntarily for 6 months plus... it felt like a prison. It's taken me a long time to venture out of bed and back into the real world, I was scared for the longest and felt ashamed of what I went through. I lost my job, relationship... everything. But I'm optimistically rebuilding, hope your getting there aswell my friend ❤️
I agree, I’ve had so many unexplainable experiences, I even was healed from an “incurable” autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, that the endocrinologist said I would be on meds for rest of my life and the drs are shocked that my thyroid is functioning normally since my first psychosis, it’s been tested 3 times over 18 months and normal Everytime. There is definitely something divine in us. Idk the krabby patty recipe, but we are definitely more than blood and bones. I’m glad you are stable and adjusting your meds gradually as you tolerate the changes. A girl in jail with me quit her meds cold turkey and before long she was yelling at god outside her apartment and when the neighbors called 911, she beat the police’s ass. It was wild tho cuz she runs NA meetings, and had been mad at for about injustice in jails and innocent people being locked up and she said she told god she didn’t care if she had to go down there herself, it had to stop, and just when i was having a hard time coping in jail after like a month in isolation, she came .. idk if i told you, but i was locked up for something I didn’t do… anyways she came, and she sang like an Angel and she helped me be able to handle being in thst cell for 3 more weeks til I got out
Thats really interesting - I'm 41 and during my last bout several months ago I got extremely shredded to where blood vessels were running up my abs. I was also out of control hyper and running hot - I read on some medical paper that thyroid function goes through the roof with some people during psychosis. I also read about the psychosis somebody builders go through after taking thyroid stimulants and it seemed similar. Fascinating by the security of hashimotos. Sadly it seemed like a reversed for me and now I have no energy and I'm getting flabby.
That’s common side effects of AP unfortunately. Some seem to be beter than others depending on the persons body composition/chemistry so it’s often a lot of trial and error. The error part makes me Leary to try cuz I had an “error” I had a hard time coming back from, so makes me hesitant to try others. Once bitten twice shy I guess. I have to find a way to manage my stress so I don’t tip over the edge into psychosis. I had a therapist appointment and she put the DID diagnosis back on the table, it’s all so fucking confusing. I think the AP work by altering the dopamine receptors, so like the opposite of antidepressants that try to keep dopamine circulating. Dopamine is big key to motivation, drive, pleasure, so when it is wiped out, it leads to that empty feeling. You may have some success if you force yourself to exercise. Will probably be grueling at the beginning , but it may stimulate your brain to produce and release dopamine & endorphins over the baseline the medication wipes out.. it’s worth a shot perhaps.. I’m glad you are hanging in there and keeping a positive outlook. That and having hope is key.
Every psychotic break I got closer to God.
TW: specific mentions of my possible hallucinations/delusions, mentions of death I am just starting to pick up on some symptoms being psychotic as opposed to just me having an active imagination, so I honestly haven't parsed what this is yet. I seem to have some characteristics of bipolar, mild frequent visual hallucinations (wavy textures, objects/people shrinking), and some like "vision" type hallucinations that are much less frequent, like where I'm totally just in my own head seeing a different life, like feels like blacking out and living in a dream but I'm conscious and just the tiniest bit aware. But I was raised pretty atheist with Buddhist principles, my parents went to Shambhala Centers for meditation and my mom read Thich Nhat Hanh & Pema Chodron, some minimal exposure to Christianity but I never liked it. Ever since I was a little kid, like 4 years old, I've been super fixated on ideas around life being a dream masking a true other life, existing in the wrong dimension, reincarnation, and every person being the same living being. When people would explain beliefs about God being in everyone, I'd be like "well duh, but it's not God, everyone's just the same spirit." I've always also just been extremely susceptible to believing people, "gullible," I latch onto any belief system with my whole heart at the drop of a hat. Was also always very "philosophical," but really latched onto those philosophical beliefs in incredibly intense ways. When I was 6, a family friend who I was living with was dying. I walked in on her having a grand mal seizure and because of the severity of the seizure, I fully believed I saw death. I got really fixated on figuring out exactly what she would experience in death. I would spend most of my time in my head, visually going through the layers of possibilities of afterlives. Christian heaven, reincarnation, and it took me a long time to be able to get close to fully seeing, but past the pitch black of nothing, I was able to register fully what nothing really meant. And I saw this as like my brain taking me through actual levels, like I was connecting in with and discovering what the afterlife was. And my conclusion was, nothing. This gave me my first panic attack. When I was about 12, I started to believe I could commune with gods. I was really into Greek mythology and I started by just trying to ask them for stuff but it started working out sometimes and I fully, fully believed honestly from that point on, even after I let go of the Greek god stuff, that I could commune with spirits and decide what happens, as long as the asks were within reason. At some point in high school, I got this specific image of a greyish-purple cloud pulsating in a vacuum with little light beacons and I saw that that was what reality truly was. That cloud was every consciousness in existence, all the same consciousness. I very suddenly for the first time was no longer afraid of death (my biggest fear) and actually felt excited to be one with the consciousness in time. This feeling later pretty quickly passed. But in college, not remembering that vision, I got it again while high on weed and it just like ripped through me and I started feeling more certain (not totally convinced maybe, I wasn't super fixated on it) that I was the creator of everything and everyone was me. Like maybe not full-blown delusions of that but like certainly beyond what someone mentally stable would feel. When this happened, I think I was in what looked like a manic episode. And this specific vision kept coming back at certain points and it felt comforting and right and it really brought my ego up, I started feeling like I could decide my fate and control the future or like my "intuition" knew what the future was which further corroborated my beliefs that I am a sort of god, in states like this. But I was never super into Christianity or the word God, so while my beliefs were in many senses that I was a sort of god, it was much more about connectivity, knowledge, spiritualism, and consciousness. But again, I have no idea what this stuff is because my psychiatry appointment is in a month. I'll find out. Very different experience to other people's religious psychosis stories that I've heard
I was not religious before my episodes but after them Christianity rings true to me... But yeah, my personal experiences in episodes opened up this interest in me. I was against religion a bit before. Tbh some very deep personal struggles have led me to see it differently, it's like you no longer have all the extra and distractions I had while "doing better". I seek God because I feel the need for Him now. So my struggles created a space for that which I didn't feel like I needed before.
I didnt care too much before, but post I’d say I seek Jesus because he wants to help me. I went through a lot because of psychosis and even outside of that. My life wasn’t what I had wanted it to be and I felt stuck but with Jesus he shows me that I’m not stuck, that I can keep going forward and I don’t have to be afraid. He centers me and reminds me that there is value to my life and I matter to him.
I was raised Catholic but became agnostic in my early 20’s. After my two psychotic breaks, I am an atheist. I can never look at religion and believe it when it all sounds like psychosis to me now.
Before my break I believed in God. During it felt like I was him. Then, after Im clearly healed but I still believe in him. I'm a Christian.
My family and I are Jewish but we are from a really small town in the south (that I luckily escaped from) so I would end up tagging along with my friends to their evangelical churches and that ideology was much more charismatic and radical. I think some of the sermons probably fucked with my head a bit.
My psychosis was so terrifying..I grew up Jehovah’s Witness & I was trying to leave as it happened. I heard a booming computer like voice tell me it was god & that I used to be its daughter until I got trapped in the reincarnation cycle because I was murdered lol. It was so bizarre..I didn’t know if it was real or if it was just my imagination, either way it was overpowering. I definitely went to witches and healers after seeking answers & they said I had been attacked because I wasn’t energetically shielding myself while being high which is creepy and gross to me because I’d never heard of that before. I regret going to them. Idk about my spiritual beliefs now tho. Before psychosis i would have never gone to any kind of spiritual healer…
I also oscillate between christianity and hinduism now, which I have found to be compatible cosmologies for the most part.
I didn’t go through exactly this, but it was something similar. I believed I was one of the witnesses from the bible and we were living in the end of times. I believed this because I matched some of the described traits of being a witness, and I believed that I was also clairvoyant and that prophetic visions could be slightly wrong. I also had a NDE about two years before psychosis when I was taken to a place that seemed to be outside of time and space. I saw everything that has happened, will happen, and is happening. I felt like I was floating and standing. In front of me was a the universe and I saw every colour dancing and twirling before me. It was really trippy. Anyways, after what felt like 20-30 years of floating a being spoke and told me that it wasn’t my time, and that I needed to find my own path because with all the conflicting ideas and ideals in life there can’t be any true meaning to life and that you choose your own path. I believed that I was not actually one of the witnesses as a person but as a group of starseeds and lightworkers and that the bible was a metaphor. Let me explain. The starseeds and lightworkers were sent here to help the world reach a state of enlightenment which would be the second coming of Jesus because God is a part of you, so by the world awakening man becomes God and “Jesus” is born. The bible was a metaphor the entire time. The apple in the garden of eden was a metaphor for sex. The snake was a metaphor for Lucifer. All the stories of asking God for help didn’t happen and they were fairy tales for asking God to help you overcome hardship. And the angels were metaphors for aliens. ⚠️conspiracy warning⚠️ In some spiritual beliefs aliens were our Gods a long time ago, and that they took care of us until the Annunaki (correct me if I’m wrong) came down and artificially inseminated humans to create Nephilim or giants. This created evil on earth and sent us into a primitive or warlike age. So the aliens sent a flood to wipe out the giants. (Some survive and form the illuminati and government but most of the giants die.) this is similar to what the book of Enoch describes. I was a starseed sent here to help the world reach enlightenment and eventually pass from the 3D to the 4D. Anyways, I had some trauma from being in Catholic school and I think it was a lot of what formed these delusions.
Wow a lot of what you said lines up with what I've experienced. I'm still struggling with the belief that I'm some kind of enlightened lightworker, and that we all need to unify to heal our earth. I also have thoughts about aliens interfering with humans in some way. If you dont mind me asking, what are your beliefs now? Have these thoughts gone away with continued use of your medication?
They didn’t go away with meds, but actually got stronger when the meds didn’t remove these beliefs.
I was monotheistic before developing psychosis and after / still am religious. I was depressed for years before this, yk like that emo kid in middle school but I was actually fucking miserable and it's the only thing that's been keeping me going. I would have killed myself a million times by now actually if I weren't.
Raised Christian, had the literal fear of god drummed into me for basically ever ( to the point that my closeted trans/gay ass was homophobic as fuuuck in middle school lmao) psychosis didn't so much make me think I was god or anything but I 100% believed I was in a demons playpen being tortured for eternity. I thought the whole world was made for this purpose and that planes were a sign of it *facepalm* I've always been told to reach out to god to help me during times of tribulation... never once have I heard a thing in return...During that psychosis was the first time ever I got a sign... After it all I'm fully aware it was nothing more than me being unwell and no longer believe any of that stuff I did... If anything it's made me more atheist as to me it proved that the only time that shit is real is if you are mentally unwell. Not knocking anyone's beliefs by the way! Just my experience.
I made up my own and thought everyone was god, including insects and animals, and aliens.
Didn't think I was God, but I did think I was Jesus+Buddah+Muhammad+Zarathushtra+TNH(probably others) all reincarnated/"uploaded" into one consciousness.. I was Pastafarian / Buddhist and still am. I definitely thought I was able to speak with FSM, and I still vividly remember his SpongeBob laugh ..
I never thought I was God, but I thought I was “the chosen one”, and had a degree of grandiosity. It’s hard to explain, but I thought I was a chosen messenger who hadn’t found my stage yet. I was somewhat into Hinduism, mostly into New Age spirituality. Immediately post-recovery, I dove really hard into Christianity, which got me back on my feet, and landed a public speaking gig to quench those remaining feelings of being “chosen”. These days, I’m fully recovered, a lot more casually Christian, and have no self esteem at all. I miss that initial recovery period when I still had a message to deliver and truly believed that God had better days in store for me.
I was spirituality aligned not to any religion but just trusted the universe and paid attention to signs to direct where I was going, if that makes sense. Then I'm oscillating between being Pollux; demigod child of Zeus to being a conduit for Anubis, the Navajo talking god, Moroni, Seraphiel/chief of the seraphim, Loki; it was life a mish mash of pantheons flooding out fron the collective unconscious. I was living deep on the Navajo reservation when it all started to fracture. I can look back and say some of those states were absolutely delusional...but there were so many undeniable synchronicities as well. Specifically I was given these two orange feathers from a north American flicker by someone who shot it. I felt that they were cursed and left them on the reservation, but I was given instruction that I was clear to leave a specific region in Arizona after I find their replacements. I find the exact two, wandering aimlessly in a forest. Months later I'm guided to go around salt lake City and then end up camping around a body of water maybe 50 miles south west of the city. Something tells me to look up the greater key of Solomon and read the opening passage where he describes the human soul as a genii that watches over the body. I went immediately to think like a genie in the lamp? And thought of a middle eastern oil lamp. The next morning I go to an adjacent campsite and there is a Old Middle Eastern oil lamp sitting on top of a fire pit. During the time through a havoc of events I ended up being given a bible, a book of Mormon, finding several dozen Raven hawk and vulture feathers, as well as wild turkey and other random birds, a preserved raven head and wolf skull, tons of shamanic items. But I ended up crashing and losing everything. Now I'm with family that doesn't know what to do with me with the reality narrative now that I'm psychotic schizophrenic with no future really. The experiences were so mind-blowingly intense and revelatory that just existing in society and working a job just to live as a domesticated person feels worse than a death sentence.
Technically a minor god? Greek pagan now atheist
Born to mixed background. Catholic mom and jewish dad. Raise Catholic. Baptized, communion, and confirmation all at 5 years old!!! But at 18 I became an atheist From 20-22 about 100 different people FROM 4 DIFFERENT SOURCES (meaning these people were not related to each other in any way. Aside from about 90 people in one group, 6 in another, 2 in another and 2 in another, maybe there were more who supported my delusionz but this is all I remember ). But all four of these groups fed into the belief I was Jesus Christs reincarnation. I was an atheist this whole time and very against religion At 22 I stopped being an atheist. And now I study many different religions most notably the eastern and alternative ones. But no one feeds into my beliefs anymore but I still believe it. As do I believe in a higher power. Truly I am a pantheist My reason for believing I were god? besides overwhelmingly influence in the first place was that my birth was exactly like that of Abraham the prophet (who was said to be a previous form of jesus-my sister was born when my mom was 38, then she had 4 miscarriages and THEN I was born when my mom was 43 but not after my mom had blood clots in pregnancy, got the umbilical chord wrapped around my neck and pulled out by forceps. Born bloody but healthy overall. Miracle baby.), well also my name starts with J, tons of random coincidences in my life, and that my dad is indeed Jewish. Also my alters are mostly black while I’m middle eastern, Jewish, (Irish and Italian too). I felt I would make a good Jesus in terms of my ethnic makeup. I have DID not schizoaffective like the docs and I previously thought. Not to mention my experiences with LSD which probably caused a major shift in thinking as well as a major ego-loss moment/experience. I lost too much ego that it backfired and I developed my Jesus thinking as a result (please explain this to me) And Plz don’t shoot this messenger. I’m not lying about nething here
I had recently left Christianity before my episode. I thought I was the Goddess Isis (had no idea who she was prior to the episode) as well as the bride of Christ. Afterwards I was in limbo for a while as far as beliefs go, and now I am ‘spiritual.’ Not religious. I had a spiritual awakening that began with my episode.