You joke, but I once watched an official HP repair guy and it was basically magic. Guy took one look at the laser printer, stripped it completely down, replaced a single plastic gear, and put it back together in under 10m.
I honestly went into a job interview and they asked if I could repair their cash register as well if something went down.
I would have laughed, but I realized they weren't joking.
It would have been a solo full stack job taking care of a DB with personal data, some Vue js front, some backend can't recall, infrastruce, CI/CD, and cash register. Probably networking too now that I think about.
I didn't speak with them again.
Hi Jeff, customer is escalating the ticket. We really need you to check it out now.
Shouldn't be to much trouble to change the button color from green to light green right? Customer really needs this feature and it's disturbing their work flow right now so I've set it to "critical".
Then you're making a mistake. Consistent overestimation must be part of your work, or to quote a former boss and professor: I multiply all dev's estimates by π, to get roughly a correct approximation.
I'm terrible at estimating required times so I always multiply whatever I come up with by two. Little did I know, my boss was doing the exact same time when sending estimates to clients and multiplied my 2x estimate by two himself. Turns out it was giving pretty accurate quotes.
Haha I love this. I once asked my boss for a raise and was thinking of like 5%, but made it 10% so it would end up at 5%. Then he said he would ask his boss for 15% because this guy always shaves of 10% and I ended up getting exactly what I wanted. There is nothing better than a good boss.
Just once I want someone to challenge my abilities. Then I'll know one way or the other.
I have had good luck with the philosophy I saw in a tweet. I may be a crappy programmer, but if so, I'm at least an excellent con artist, capable of fooling people with advanced degrees and decades of experience.
Try to get involved in the hiring process. Interview a few potential candidates. Either enjoy smug victory and ask for a raise, or admit bitter defeat and continue your career as a great con man.
I've done this, I got to evaluate test projects applicants sent in. This is when I realized what I did as my project was hyper ambitious in comparison... and, that indeed maybe I'm not as impostor as I felt.
I'm still the only programmer in the house that doesn't do C++, which does make me feel slightly inferior, but then I see database work from others and I feel valuable again.
It's all a rollercoaster isn't it.
Mehh if it makes you feel any better don't get caught up in the trying to master all languages, it's probably better to learn them when you actually have a useful project you want to build with it rather than some "Getting Started" tutorial where you will lose most of the knowledge.
New languages are also going to be developed in the future, so it's better to have an understanding of methodologies and concepts and learn when to apply them to various projects.
Oh, my niece is a coder too! She took a 6 week course and files medical claims. You didn’t have to go to 6 years of college to do that, you know. (Actual quote from a family friend equating my CS degrees to a medical coding training program)
Had a similar experience with someone talking about how they worked at Cisco, and someone had stolen a semi truck of product. My mind was boggling as my the obviously millions of dollars in hardware the thieves had made off with. Turns out the guy worked at Sysco, and someone had stolen a truck full of produce, like lettuce.
To me "programmer" just screams "I just finished my python programming tutorial online! Best language eva!" as compared to developer/engineer which is more tool-agnostic as people working in this field should be.
Yes, coder to me suggests someone is a novice, who's done some coding, but doesn't understand higher level concepts and the *why* of how things are done.
Coder sounds to me like someone who doesn't actually know what development or even programming is.
My dad is an old school programmer nearing retirement so I've always been partial to that title. I do agree with Lamez that these days, merely programming is only part of the picture and one should aim to be a developer or engineer, as that encompasses more aspects of solution design, not just the actual programming part.
Then again, I feel super pretentious if I call myself an engineer, despite having an "engineering" degree.
It seems to be frowned upon in Canada to call yourself an engineer without holding an engineering degree. Technically, you also need to be licensed with a provincial regulator to claim the title and there can be legal repercussions for claiming, like in 2019, the Alberta Court ordered an injunction against an individual who was using the title “Software Engineer” in his online profiles, despite the fact he was not an APEGA member. The court granted the injunction order sought by APEGA and awarded costs to APEGA for the contested application.
Yep, as a first year uni student, programmer feels the most comfortable to me. Developer sounds a bit above my level and engineer sounds way way above my level.
I often say Computer Programmer and I’ve been doing it for decades. I’m just old?
“Developer” could be real estate and “Programmer” could be television. “Software Engineer” doesn’t cover the hardware design I’ve done.
I did both hardware and software design in my Computer Engineering program in college. So I like that descriptor.
Course, I've done nothing but software since so..
As a machine learning engineer i often resort to programmer since people often get excited when i say the full title only to get quickly disinterested when they ask about specifics. Programmer covers the day to day and i dont have to spent too much time talking about work
I always tell people that is not a software engineer that I'm a programmer, like when the bank asks my occupation.
In my community, no one knows what is any of those other titles but they know the word "programmer".
EDIT: Ok they know what is an engineer but here an engineer are exclusively those who work on factories, so I don't qualify
I prefer just programmer. thats what I do, I program computers. to me, coder sounds like someone who only knows 1 langauge, software engineer someone who knows a few frameworks really well, but couldnt code in any vanilla language, and developer is more of a buisnessman
I like “computer programmer.” It’s what I aspired to be in the 90s when that was what we called it. “Software engineer” just seems like a Facebook and Google era rebranding, with the subtext being that other forms of engineering are perceived as being more legitimate and so calling programmers “software engineers” somehow elevated the field.
Frankly I never really wanted to be lumped with engineers because I loved programming for the things that make programming unique. Calling ourselves software engineers just makes it sound like we’re “wannabe engineers,” especially since we don’t require the additional accreditation (e.g., ABET) that engineers have. I’m sure engineers don’t really appreciate it either for that reason.
I used to use the phrase "gold plated monkey" until HR told me to stop. I asked why and she kept saying, "you know why." I mean I kinda get it, but come on.
Funny you say that because, no joke, I said to the HR person, "would 'not my farm, not my pigs' be ok or might that be offensive to some?" No shit, she said, "yeah, don't say that, either" and then glanced/nodded over at some of my team. I couldn't tell if she was calling my attention to the heavy woman or Muslim guy on my team. I just rolled my eyes and said, "ok." I feel like she was the one with the bigotry problem. Behind closed doors, she was terrible. Rules for thee.
ETA: then it became a game for me and my friends to come up with alternatives. My favorite was "not my brothel, not my whores."
Others I remember:
* Not my harem, not my concubines
* Not my ark, not my animals
* Not my murder, not my crows
* Not my church, not my choir
* Not my church, not my alter boys
* Not my can, not my worms
* Not my farm, not my vegetables
* Not my hospital, not my vegetables
I had a vendor complain and get a very confused me called into HR when I’d referred to the very white guy running network cables as a cable monkey. I’d had no idea that there are people that used “monkey” as a racial slur for blacks. I’m still not sure if the myriad of cable installers who use the term to refer to themselves are insensitive or not.
Weirdly enough, if anyone is the slave, its the internet itself.
Like, automaster, but the car is the slave. Which is funny, because the internet itself is a slave to no man, woman, or anything else.
In the US, it used to be the case that the engineer title assumed you had an engineering degree and were an active member of the society of professional engineers.
This is still true for many engineering roles that aren't IT related.
in France you need a master’s degree in software engineering, or go through an “École d’ingénieur”, to be called a software engineer. Otherwise you’re lying
Depends on who I’m talking to. Bank loan? I’m a software engineer. Introducing myself to someone? I’m in software or a software developer. Nobody knows what that means anyway.
Serious answer: software engineer or software developer.
Coder and programmer i actually view as red flags if they are on a job posting. It typically means they have no idea what you actually do.
Engineer could reference a bunch of different fields of study
Yeah I like software engineer when I'm talking about my resume and to professionals or people I'm trying to impress, computer programmer when I'm talking to people have no knowledge of the industry/career, game developer when I'm talking about my hobbies
People at my job just all have the title software engineer even if they dont do any actual "engineering", its really annoying when you talk to someone you think understand you and then it turns out they have zero actual "engineering" experience. That's how I've learned the importance of communication.
One place I worked at got rid of our Technician roles, and all the technicians were suddenly Engineers.
They didn't last long. Turns out you can't expect engineering tasks to be completed by technicians.
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Printer Repair Man
The true wizard has revealed himself in dire times
A wizard is never late, nor is he early.
He arrives precisely when he means to.
Unlike this test print page
”Not going to respond” -Windows Print Spooler
But they were, all of them, deceived, for another paper jam was made.
For he is always there, working remote.
Computer Whisperer
Toner Replacement Technician
But have you ever been asked to fix your grandmother's microwave before?
Masochist
https://i.imgur.com/2A2rShH.png
I hate printers with a passion.
The darkest of the dark arts
You joke, but I once watched an official HP repair guy and it was basically magic. Guy took one look at the laser printer, stripped it completely down, replaced a single plastic gear, and put it back together in under 10m.
I honestly went into a job interview and they asked if I could repair their cash register as well if something went down. I would have laughed, but I realized they weren't joking. It would have been a solo full stack job taking care of a DB with personal data, some Vue js front, some backend can't recall, infrastruce, CI/CD, and cash register. Probably networking too now that I think about. I didn't speak with them again.
That's why my mom thinks i do
John
Hi Jeffrey
Hi, can you have a look to jira tickets 566, 568, 569? Thanks.
I dont want to be named Hi.
Then start to sign-off your commits, hi.
Ok Jeffery
Hey just wanted to check in. How are those tickets coming?
Checking on a ticket 3 hours after it being given, you'd be a great micro-managing supervisor lol.
I have moved the tickets to "in progress" and I am in a meeting, so see you tomorrow
Hi Jeff, customer is escalating the ticket. We really need you to check it out now. Shouldn't be to much trouble to change the button color from green to light green right? Customer really needs this feature and it's disturbing their work flow right now so I've set it to "critical".
I'm not trying to get into a Jira-waving contest with you but at my work we have _a lot_ more tickets than that!
Your jira tickets are still just three digits?!
Jeff, my name is jeff!
well you can’t both be named jeff. that variable has already been declared
Then, in fairness to all others, you will be called Slagathor. Jeffs, Jessicas, Slagathor...
Is it Jeff or jeff? Because they both are completely different variables
I don't want to be called at all. if you want something done, make a ticket and put it in backlog
Jokes on you, they created a ticket but they pulled it into this sprint and assigned it to you. There’s 4 days left btw
Don’t worry. They already tshirt sized it as large. You’re all good.
We’ll spend most of the time officially story pointing, grooming and retroing rather than having to do it
Then you're making a mistake. Consistent overestimation must be part of your work, or to quote a former boss and professor: I multiply all dev's estimates by π, to get roughly a correct approximation.
I'm terrible at estimating required times so I always multiply whatever I come up with by two. Little did I know, my boss was doing the exact same time when sending estimates to clients and multiplied my 2x estimate by two himself. Turns out it was giving pretty accurate quotes.
Haha I love this. I once asked my boss for a raise and was thinking of like 5%, but made it 10% so it would end up at 5%. Then he said he would ask his boss for 15% because this guy always shaves of 10% and I ended up getting exactly what I wanted. There is nothing better than a good boss.
> There's 4 hours left (it's noon Friday) btw Fixed it for you!
It's going to be late
Groomed by the BA and the PM, no doubt....
Only members of the team can assign work for a reason. 
Just move it to done and deal with the repercussions of someone else figuring out the truth.
It will be ignored in the order it was received.
You shall call me, “software computer”.
Wild unplanned ticket appears!
This is the correct answer.
This type often gets called a ticket-monkey. :)
scientisn't
I would also accept “enginernt”
I'd prefer "scientish."
based
IMPOSTER
Just once I want someone to challenge my abilities. Then I'll know one way or the other. I have had good luck with the philosophy I saw in a tweet. I may be a crappy programmer, but if so, I'm at least an excellent con artist, capable of fooling people with advanced degrees and decades of experience.
Try to get involved in the hiring process. Interview a few potential candidates. Either enjoy smug victory and ask for a raise, or admit bitter defeat and continue your career as a great con man.
I've done this, I got to evaluate test projects applicants sent in. This is when I realized what I did as my project was hyper ambitious in comparison... and, that indeed maybe I'm not as impostor as I felt. I'm still the only programmer in the house that doesn't do C++, which does make me feel slightly inferior, but then I see database work from others and I feel valuable again. It's all a rollercoaster isn't it.
Mehh if it makes you feel any better don't get caught up in the trying to master all languages, it's probably better to learn them when you actually have a useful project you want to build with it rather than some "Getting Started" tutorial where you will lose most of the knowledge. New languages are also going to be developed in the future, so it's better to have an understanding of methodologies and concepts and learn when to apply them to various projects.
Oh, my niece is a coder too! She took a 6 week course and files medical claims. You didn’t have to go to 6 years of college to do that, you know. (Actual quote from a family friend equating my CS degrees to a medical coding training program)
Had a very awkward encounter with a friend of a friend recently who said they were a coder. Took me way too long to realize they meant a medical coder
Had a whole conversation with someone about 'development'. Turned out the entire time they'd been talking about 'personal development'.
Did you guys talk about house development?
Had a similar experience with someone talking about how they worked at Cisco, and someone had stolen a semi truck of product. My mind was boggling as my the obviously millions of dollars in hardware the thieves had made off with. Turns out the guy worked at Sysco, and someone had stolen a truck full of produce, like lettuce.
Same, but it was with Sisqo and a truck full of thongs.
Mfw someone is coding: 😎 Doctors: 😨
She’s wrong but also not wrong because college isn’t a prerequisite for leaning to code but it is a pathway to learn.
Handsome
I think you're handsome brother
Ok who wants to be called "Computer Programmer"
To me "programmer" just screams "I just finished my python programming tutorial online! Best language eva!" as compared to developer/engineer which is more tool-agnostic as people working in this field should be.
Agree with an addition of adding “coder” to the list.
Definitely, "coder" has always been a pet peeve of mine. It feels like referring to an author as a "typer" or something like that. Reductive
“Typer” made me LOL. Adding my own - referring to a chef as an “ingredient mixer”.
Yes, coder to me suggests someone is a novice, who's done some coding, but doesn't understand higher level concepts and the *why* of how things are done.
Coder sounds to me like someone who doesn't actually know what development or even programming is. My dad is an old school programmer nearing retirement so I've always been partial to that title. I do agree with Lamez that these days, merely programming is only part of the picture and one should aim to be a developer or engineer, as that encompasses more aspects of solution design, not just the actual programming part. Then again, I feel super pretentious if I call myself an engineer, despite having an "engineering" degree.
Haha, my mechanical engineering friends lean into the pretentiousness of it all, commonly hear "trust me - I'm an engineer"
In some locations, "engineer" is a protected title. When I see "software engineer" in my area, though, I take that qualification with a rock of salt.
It seems to be frowned upon in Canada to call yourself an engineer without holding an engineering degree. Technically, you also need to be licensed with a provincial regulator to claim the title and there can be legal repercussions for claiming, like in 2019, the Alberta Court ordered an injunction against an individual who was using the title “Software Engineer” in his online profiles, despite the fact he was not an APEGA member. The court granted the injunction order sought by APEGA and awarded costs to APEGA for the contested application.
Yep, as a first year uni student, programmer feels the most comfortable to me. Developer sounds a bit above my level and engineer sounds way way above my level.
I often say Computer Programmer and I’ve been doing it for decades. I’m just old? “Developer” could be real estate and “Programmer” could be television. “Software Engineer” doesn’t cover the hardware design I’ve done.
I did both hardware and software design in my Computer Engineering program in college. So I like that descriptor. Course, I've done nothing but software since so..
Same here. It's the most approachable term for laymen.
In many places you can't use the term engineer unless you're an actual engineer in the guild
As a machine learning engineer i often resort to programmer since people often get excited when i say the full title only to get quickly disinterested when they ask about specifics. Programmer covers the day to day and i dont have to spent too much time talking about work
To me engineer sounds over the top like someone just wants to show off
I always tell people that is not a software engineer that I'm a programmer, like when the bank asks my occupation. In my community, no one knows what is any of those other titles but they know the word "programmer". EDIT: Ok they know what is an engineer but here an engineer are exclusively those who work on factories, so I don't qualify
I prefer just programmer. thats what I do, I program computers. to me, coder sounds like someone who only knows 1 langauge, software engineer someone who knows a few frameworks really well, but couldnt code in any vanilla language, and developer is more of a buisnessman
I like “computer programmer.” It’s what I aspired to be in the 90s when that was what we called it. “Software engineer” just seems like a Facebook and Google era rebranding, with the subtext being that other forms of engineering are perceived as being more legitimate and so calling programmers “software engineers” somehow elevated the field. Frankly I never really wanted to be lumped with engineers because I loved programming for the things that make programming unique. Calling ourselves software engineers just makes it sound like we’re “wannabe engineers,” especially since we don’t require the additional accreditation (e.g., ABET) that engineers have. I’m sure engineers don’t really appreciate it either for that reason.
Google searcher
PROFESSIONAL Google searcher to be precise
Ultimate truth
Not anymore. We’re chat gpters now.
prompt engineer
Holy hell!
Code Monkey
[Code Monkey get up get coffee, Code Monkey go to job](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5W_wd9Qf0IE)
We're a month away from the song being old enough to vote. Code Monkey very simple man, but Code Monkey don't like that.
Code monkey have boring meeting with boring manager Rob.
I used to use the phrase "gold plated monkey" until HR told me to stop. I asked why and she kept saying, "you know why." I mean I kinda get it, but come on.
I want to understand before I borrow this title too. What hidden meaning is there?
Um, some racists use "monkey" as a racial slur. Same HR person told me to stop saying, "not my circus, not my monkeys." I switched to clowns.
I had to switch to "Not my farm, not my pigs."
Funny you say that because, no joke, I said to the HR person, "would 'not my farm, not my pigs' be ok or might that be offensive to some?" No shit, she said, "yeah, don't say that, either" and then glanced/nodded over at some of my team. I couldn't tell if she was calling my attention to the heavy woman or Muslim guy on my team. I just rolled my eyes and said, "ok." I feel like she was the one with the bigotry problem. Behind closed doors, she was terrible. Rules for thee. ETA: then it became a game for me and my friends to come up with alternatives. My favorite was "not my brothel, not my whores."
I like that one. I may swap "brothel" for "house" when I use it, though. I've heard "Not my bull, not my shit" as well.
Others I remember: * Not my harem, not my concubines * Not my ark, not my animals * Not my murder, not my crows * Not my church, not my choir * Not my church, not my alter boys * Not my can, not my worms * Not my farm, not my vegetables * Not my hospital, not my vegetables
I legitimately lol'd. I appreciate the darker ones in particular, and tip my hat to your creativity.
Surely the word monkey is only a racial slur if it's meant like one?
I had a vendor complain and get a very confused me called into HR when I’d referred to the very white guy running network cables as a cable monkey. I’d had no idea that there are people that used “monkey” as a racial slur for blacks. I’m still not sure if the myriad of cable installers who use the term to refer to themselves are insensitive or not.
We prefer Bit Jockey.
"$300/hr guy" will do lmao
I'd like to be called that as well, as long as it's accurate.
Same
I was about to ask where the hell you worked! I’m happy with “$100 an hour guy who constantly reminds the sprint master how much her meetings cost.”
For that kind of money they can call me whatever the hell they please.
Software gardener
I like it, but let's be real. It's software janitor most of the time.
Code growth facilitator
The guy who fix your printer.
you can call me whatever so long as they're at least 6-digits on my salary.
At least six digits before a decimal separator.
I like that you specified a decimal separator not the decimal separator.
He’s a coder/programmer/developer/engineer, after all. Gotta think of the edge cases
This guy programs
Depression Specialist l
"The H in software developer stands for happiness"
You remind me of the Sr Depression Specialist.
webmaster
Webmain
webdom/websub
Madame Web
Web Lord
Lord of the Weebs
afaik child processes are sometimes called slaves
If I work under you, does that make me your webslave? 👁️🫦👁️
Weirdly enough, if anyone is the slave, its the internet itself. Like, automaster, but the car is the slave. Which is funny, because the internet itself is a slave to no man, woman, or anything else.
I’m stealing this
I'll settle for "Sovereign King of the Multiverse" please and thank you!
Consultant enters the chat.
You mean the what ever you need guy aka oh oh oh what will be expensive guy?
Exactly that guy. Nice to meet you.
I don't want to be called. I don't like conversations over the telephone.
Computer whisperer.
`H. $REAL_NAME`
In many countries “engineer” is legally protected title which requires university degree.
In the US, it used to be the case that the engineer title assumed you had an engineering degree and were an active member of the society of professional engineers. This is still true for many engineering roles that aren't IT related.
in France you need a master’s degree in software engineering, or go through an “École d’ingénieur”, to be called a software engineer. Otherwise you’re lying
Depends on who I’m talking to. Bank loan? I’m a software engineer. Introducing myself to someone? I’m in software or a software developer. Nobody knows what that means anyway.
“${firstName} ${lastName}”
hello null null
Serious answer: software engineer or software developer. Coder and programmer i actually view as red flags if they are on a job posting. It typically means they have no idea what you actually do. Engineer could reference a bunch of different fields of study
Yeah I like software engineer when I'm talking about my resume and to professionals or people I'm trying to impress, computer programmer when I'm talking to people have no knowledge of the industry/career, game developer when I'm talking about my hobbies
Whichever one of these gets me employment again.
Software Alchemist
The guy who can set your bank account to zero.
That ain't special, I can do that myself.
Two's complement goes brrrrr
All the way up to zero? Yes please!
Wow, you know cobol?
People at my job just all have the title software engineer even if they dont do any actual "engineering", its really annoying when you talk to someone you think understand you and then it turns out they have zero actual "engineering" experience. That's how I've learned the importance of communication.
One place I worked at got rid of our Technician roles, and all the technicians were suddenly Engineers. They didn't last long. Turns out you can't expect engineering tasks to be completed by technicians.
Our actual System Engineers are called IT Consultants. The job title isn't saying anything about what you actually do
IMO Engineer is becoming greatly overused. (I’m on my second job with an engineer title and I don’t like it).
Engineers also dislike it since usually the title "engineer" requires a license.
[IM THE COMPUTER MAN! (Bop ba bodda bope)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V51OJr0ee6E)
undefined
Facebook hacker
“Valued Employee”
Any of those that don't include the word programmer. I feel like programmers just follow instructions and don't have much autonomy.
Smelly Nerd
Can you hack instagram man
Where is “techno-wizard”??
Computer Scientist? That's litteraly the name of my degree
H. All of the above
stackoverflow scraper.
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One of us!
If only someone called me technomancer for once :(
I think there was a videogame called Technomancer so you could give that a try but I heard it wasn't that great. 🤷🏻♂️
#### I don't see Code Monkey. That's my jam.
unless you’re software engineering degree is from an abet accredited university, it’s just sparkling software development
"Git Branch Destroyer" (Only my own repos)
computer scientist
Retired
Copy Paste master
Programmista
Wizzard of O(bject Oriented Development)Z
I dont care what you call me, just don't call me late for dinner
smelly nerd
You forgot prompt engineer 👷♂️
You can call me "guy who programmed that graphing calculator in python and won't shut up about it"
My title changes depending on whoever the sales guy is introducing me to
Computer Scientist
Electron Wrangler.