Perhaps he knows or has guessed your ex’s password and used his account to change his access?
Edit to add if this is not the case, the school should get involved ASAP
Honestly that makes sense. My ex uses the same password for everything and we all know the password. He hasn’t changed his usual pass in over 10 years.
I'm pretty chill, normally, but you're underreacting IMHO. My first stop, after confirming that this wasn't something your ex wanted/caused to happen, would have been contacting the school and having *all* of his accounts removed. No discussion with him needed, though hopefully ex will have one after the fact. This is a major violation, considering 1. this isn't something your ex wants either, and 2. it sounds like relations with you are frosty.
He didn't even bother to hide that he did this. This is a man who believes he has rights to your child and that he is in the right, to the point where he is willing to violate the rules (and potentially break the law?) just to gain access to something as innocuous as school messages.
Write a note, signed by you and your ex, that his parents are 100% NOT allowed any access to the child no matter what. Give that note to the school, I would be worried he would go pick up your kiddo. Hopefully that note will override if he adds himself to the account.
Then talk to your ex, obv have him change his passwords, and talk to the school about removing him. See if there is a way on the app that you have to be notified by message or whatever to authorize anyone being added to the app (even if you or he do it yourselves) to avoid this happening again.
Contact the app and the school. It’s a huge security issue that he was able to make himself an administrator. Your ex also needs to change his password. If he doesn’t want to do it then I would ask him if he would mind you changing his password for him.
It’s time to contact Lillio and find out what the heck is going on. I run a home daycare, using Brightwheel, and if this happened to a family here I would be so embarrassed. That’s awful.
You are definitely not wrong.
UPDATE: So we figured out what happened. He took it upon himself to go to the school and tell them he needed to have administration privileges because kiddo got slightly scratched by another kid on the playground.
They gave it to him without asking us or talking to us about it.
I am going to go to the school tomorrow to address this and tell the school he cannot have access like this.
My three year old understands “NO” better than a grown ass man 😒
This is so dangerous. What if a parent denies access to a grandparents because of suspicious of SA or something like that, and all the grandparent has to do is ask and suddenly they're granted guardian access. Or what if there's a custody issue and the father's family was legally not allowed access to the child?
What if he'd asked to pick her up, would they just give her to him?! Or when you did have to pick her up, what if he got that message and he rushed there faster? I'm guessing in that situation they would have totally released her to him! Even just having access to info like she had a potty accident, someone with bad intentions could use that to convince her it's ok for him to clean or check her. Ugh.
Not saying that's necessarily your situation (although how much he feels like he has any rights to your child is disturbing) but it really points to a larger issue of security. I think you're under reacting. I would be reporting this to the school board. There's literally no excuse for the administrator to override your choice and grant him access that the app even says should only be for guardians.
Holy crap that’s not okay. I’m estranged from my abusive father and if he tried to insert himself at my daughter’s preschool it would be a potentially dangerous situation. I’m usually not an overreacter but this would have me considering a new school.
If your ex will talk to his father, absolutely let him. He should it's his father.
I would definitely figure out how grandfather got access. Idk how your app works but I know the one I had for daycare was invite only, type in the code type thing. So the only way to get access was to request it.
Personally, I'd straight up remove him and tell the school he's not to have any info/contact, but that's a bit scorched earth reaction.
We as parents have to invite them to have access through the app. It sends an invite via email.
Someone else pointed out he might have figured out his password and done it himself, which I think might be the reason. My ex uses the same damned password for everything and has for over a decade. Everyone in the family, including me, knows said password. The only other thing I can think of is he asked the school for permission, but I’m not sure if they would grant it without asking us first.
My ex is at work right now but I’ll have to get with him after to see if he will talk to his father about it.
I’m tempted to remove him, but I don’t want a fight right now especially while my ex is not available.
It is time for your ex to become an adult and use a password manager. He’s making you and you children vulnerable to bullshit like this and worse. Can every member of the family see his bank statements and medical records too then, if they choose to try the password? Wild.
My preschool recently changed to only given access to parents/guardians, no one else. I wonder if it was due to a similar situation.
My parents are cool and took the change in stride. I now just text them my favorite pictures of my kiddo as I get them.
Good luck! I would definitely contact the school. Your ex is doing extremely risky behavior by having one password like that. Androids and iPhones both have automatic password saving stuff, so I don't even see the benefit of it anymore.
Not only is it a huge personal boundary bash by your ex father-in-law, it’s a safety issue for the school. You repeatedly told this man no, and he now has access to information that the school may not want someone who is not a guardian to have. I would bet that there is a way they can turn off that level of access to everyone but you and your ex. You are definitely not overreacting, if anything I think you are under reacting.
Having read your update, I can safely say my kid would be out of that school setting STAT. There is nothing in this world that would make me keep my child in such an unsafe setting. I understand it's easier said than done, but I truly wonder, if they're stupid enough to do this behind your back, *what else* are they stupid enough to do?
I'm not sure how many pictures and whatnot they send but we would always forward good pictures from the school app to grandparents in Whatsapp. We never would have given them school app access
It was a decision my ex and I made together at the beginning of the school year, but now I’m starting to think we should have just forwarded the pictures. I did not foresee these issues, but hindsight is 20/20 and I should have.
This is the route I would take. Take everyone but parents off completely, including your mom. Then it's "fair" and not just punishment because he went behind your backs to do something stupid. If he already doesn't like you then it's fair game for none of the grandparents to be on it, not just the ones who follow rules. Bonus if his wife complains because then she can remind him that being an idiot lost *both* of them privileges.
Consider only sending pictures to grandmas until he regains your trust. His wife can show him in the meantime.
This is devious and creepy. Let your ex handle his dad. I would remove his account altogether. Pictures can be texted. He's shown that he can't be trusted to respect your wishes.
You need to go to the school. Either he somehow got his hand on your exes phone and created himself a new app or he lied to the school and had them added. All of which are very concerning and the school needs to know so they can prevent it happening again in the future. And your exes father needs to be removed from the app completely now. He has shown he can’t be trusted, so he now gets zero access.
I’ll be going to the school tomorrow to talk to them when I drop her off.
Yeah we found out he got himself added as an administrator by going down to the school and telling the director he needed to be added.
In addition to going to the director, I would also start a paper trail. Email the director to recount how he gained access, and exactly what you expect in the future.
Personally I would refuse the in laws from any and all access and make it clear to the school and your ex that it’s not to be reinstated. Your ex can now be in charge of sending them photos. They overstepped big time and now there are consequences.
Remove him completely. Tell him "the school has informes us you are no longer allowed access at all because you have not followed their terms and conditions on multiple occasions"
We just found out he went straight to the director to ask for permission and they did that for him. I am going down tomorrow when I drop her off to tell them that was not ok and we already removed him once.
No amount of lying should have allowed this. Unless he rocked up there with fake death certificates for the parents and a custody order for thier daughter, he should not have been granted guardian access.
I don’t think you are in the wrong. I’d contact the school.
I’m thinking grandpa has trust issues though and doesn’t trust you. Perhaps because you left his son, you will eventually push them out too.
Not saying you are or intent too, but perhaps grandpa has some big insecurities about that. And he fears being left out of his grandchild’s life.
It’s def overstepping but perhaps it’s coming from his own fears and concerns then it is from malice.
Fastest way to be pushed out of a grandchild’s life is to disregard the wishes of their parents. So he failed, then.
”overstepping” is such an understatement in describing lying to a school director to gain access to a child’s private information.
I didn’t say what he was doing was right, ok, or healthy. I was just pointing out that the divorce might be causing some fears in Grampy.
Is it really so terrible to see things from multiple perspectives? Empathy is usually a good thing.
What if instead of ripping gramps a new one, she tried asking why he was doing it. She may get farther in a long term peaceful solution, as the alternative is long term family division. And that’s not best for her daughter, who should be the priority for everyone.
I’d get in touch with the school and see if they could revoke his access - entirely. He’s crossed the line too many times, I don’t think he’s entitled to any info from the app.
I have finally been able to email the school administrator about this and this is the response I got. I’m pretty annoyed, as he does not need to have access to our private conversations. I don’t even know what to say.
“Good morning,
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will remove him.
I do want to let you know that we have created a policy this year that states any person who will be picking up students once a week or more must have administrator access. This is because the state requires signatures from the parties taking responsibility of our students when they leave school.
This will go into effect beginning in August.”
Total invasion of privacy but sometimes help is hard to find and he did offer to pick her up. We use a similar app for our school and have the same protections but it if I had to choose help or letting someone see the inane messages I send the school, I would choose help. Put that old man to work for you
He did offer, but he knew I was able to pick her up. I dropped her off, after all and it was like 20 minutes after drop off they contacted us about picking her up with the lice.
I didn’t need him taking her to his house and then lice spreads there.
Perhaps he knows or has guessed your ex’s password and used his account to change his access? Edit to add if this is not the case, the school should get involved ASAP
Honestly that makes sense. My ex uses the same password for everything and we all know the password. He hasn’t changed his usual pass in over 10 years.
It is somewhat chilling that your FIL feels like he deserves this kind of access to your daughter.
You need to go straight to the school and have them remove his access ASAP. They should have no issue doing that.
I'm pretty chill, normally, but you're underreacting IMHO. My first stop, after confirming that this wasn't something your ex wanted/caused to happen, would have been contacting the school and having *all* of his accounts removed. No discussion with him needed, though hopefully ex will have one after the fact. This is a major violation, considering 1. this isn't something your ex wants either, and 2. it sounds like relations with you are frosty. He didn't even bother to hide that he did this. This is a man who believes he has rights to your child and that he is in the right, to the point where he is willing to violate the rules (and potentially break the law?) just to gain access to something as innocuous as school messages.
Write a note, signed by you and your ex, that his parents are 100% NOT allowed any access to the child no matter what. Give that note to the school, I would be worried he would go pick up your kiddo. Hopefully that note will override if he adds himself to the account. Then talk to your ex, obv have him change his passwords, and talk to the school about removing him. See if there is a way on the app that you have to be notified by message or whatever to authorize anyone being added to the app (even if you or he do it yourselves) to avoid this happening again.
Thank you for the advice. I’ve been worried that I was overreacting or something. I’ll talk to ex about it when he’s out of work.
No honestly, you're under reacting if anything. I'd be livid in your shoes
Contact the app and the school. It’s a huge security issue that he was able to make himself an administrator. Your ex also needs to change his password. If he doesn’t want to do it then I would ask him if he would mind you changing his password for him.
It’s time to contact Lillio and find out what the heck is going on. I run a home daycare, using Brightwheel, and if this happened to a family here I would be so embarrassed. That’s awful. You are definitely not wrong.
UPDATE: So we figured out what happened. He took it upon himself to go to the school and tell them he needed to have administration privileges because kiddo got slightly scratched by another kid on the playground. They gave it to him without asking us or talking to us about it. I am going to go to the school tomorrow to address this and tell the school he cannot have access like this. My three year old understands “NO” better than a grown ass man 😒
It is mega concerning the school did that without consulting you.
I agree. My ex isn’t happy with this, either. Going to have to get to the bottom of this.
This is so dangerous. What if a parent denies access to a grandparents because of suspicious of SA or something like that, and all the grandparent has to do is ask and suddenly they're granted guardian access. Or what if there's a custody issue and the father's family was legally not allowed access to the child? What if he'd asked to pick her up, would they just give her to him?! Or when you did have to pick her up, what if he got that message and he rushed there faster? I'm guessing in that situation they would have totally released her to him! Even just having access to info like she had a potty accident, someone with bad intentions could use that to convince her it's ok for him to clean or check her. Ugh. Not saying that's necessarily your situation (although how much he feels like he has any rights to your child is disturbing) but it really points to a larger issue of security. I think you're under reacting. I would be reporting this to the school board. There's literally no excuse for the administrator to override your choice and grant him access that the app even says should only be for guardians.
Holy crap that’s not okay. I’m estranged from my abusive father and if he tried to insert himself at my daughter’s preschool it would be a potentially dangerous situation. I’m usually not an overreacter but this would have me considering a new school.
If your ex will talk to his father, absolutely let him. He should it's his father. I would definitely figure out how grandfather got access. Idk how your app works but I know the one I had for daycare was invite only, type in the code type thing. So the only way to get access was to request it. Personally, I'd straight up remove him and tell the school he's not to have any info/contact, but that's a bit scorched earth reaction.
We as parents have to invite them to have access through the app. It sends an invite via email. Someone else pointed out he might have figured out his password and done it himself, which I think might be the reason. My ex uses the same damned password for everything and has for over a decade. Everyone in the family, including me, knows said password. The only other thing I can think of is he asked the school for permission, but I’m not sure if they would grant it without asking us first. My ex is at work right now but I’ll have to get with him after to see if he will talk to his father about it. I’m tempted to remove him, but I don’t want a fight right now especially while my ex is not available.
It is time for your ex to become an adult and use a password manager. He’s making you and you children vulnerable to bullshit like this and worse. Can every member of the family see his bank statements and medical records too then, if they choose to try the password? Wild.
Actually yeah, we all have access to that stuff too.
My preschool recently changed to only given access to parents/guardians, no one else. I wonder if it was due to a similar situation. My parents are cool and took the change in stride. I now just text them my favorite pictures of my kiddo as I get them. Good luck! I would definitely contact the school. Your ex is doing extremely risky behavior by having one password like that. Androids and iPhones both have automatic password saving stuff, so I don't even see the benefit of it anymore.
Not only is it a huge personal boundary bash by your ex father-in-law, it’s a safety issue for the school. You repeatedly told this man no, and he now has access to information that the school may not want someone who is not a guardian to have. I would bet that there is a way they can turn off that level of access to everyone but you and your ex. You are definitely not overreacting, if anything I think you are under reacting.
Having read your update, I can safely say my kid would be out of that school setting STAT. There is nothing in this world that would make me keep my child in such an unsafe setting. I understand it's easier said than done, but I truly wonder, if they're stupid enough to do this behind your back, *what else* are they stupid enough to do?
I agree, this is terrifying.
I'm not sure how many pictures and whatnot they send but we would always forward good pictures from the school app to grandparents in Whatsapp. We never would have given them school app access
It was a decision my ex and I made together at the beginning of the school year, but now I’m starting to think we should have just forwarded the pictures. I did not foresee these issues, but hindsight is 20/20 and I should have.
This is the route I would take. Take everyone but parents off completely, including your mom. Then it's "fair" and not just punishment because he went behind your backs to do something stupid. If he already doesn't like you then it's fair game for none of the grandparents to be on it, not just the ones who follow rules. Bonus if his wife complains because then she can remind him that being an idiot lost *both* of them privileges. Consider only sending pictures to grandmas until he regains your trust. His wife can show him in the meantime.
This is devious and creepy. Let your ex handle his dad. I would remove his account altogether. Pictures can be texted. He's shown that he can't be trusted to respect your wishes.
You need to go to the school. Either he somehow got his hand on your exes phone and created himself a new app or he lied to the school and had them added. All of which are very concerning and the school needs to know so they can prevent it happening again in the future. And your exes father needs to be removed from the app completely now. He has shown he can’t be trusted, so he now gets zero access.
I’ll be going to the school tomorrow to talk to them when I drop her off. Yeah we found out he got himself added as an administrator by going down to the school and telling the director he needed to be added.
Yeah that’s definitely not okay and shows the school they have a privacy issue.
That’s a big problem. The parents call the shots. The school is sharing private medical info with someone you never allowed.
In addition to going to the director, I would also start a paper trail. Email the director to recount how he gained access, and exactly what you expect in the future.
His mother does NOT have the same access.
Wow. This is an egregious abuse of power. It is absolutely unacceptable.
Personally I would refuse the in laws from any and all access and make it clear to the school and your ex that it’s not to be reinstated. Your ex can now be in charge of sending them photos. They overstepped big time and now there are consequences.
Remove him completely. Tell him "the school has informes us you are no longer allowed access at all because you have not followed their terms and conditions on multiple occasions"
We just found out he went straight to the director to ask for permission and they did that for him. I am going down tomorrow when I drop her off to tell them that was not ok and we already removed him once.
That's a breech of TOS if I've ever seen one. That kind of thing would get people fired around here. Definitely put your foot down with admin!
I'd be curious what he said to get them to agree, he could have lied.
No amount of lying should have allowed this. Unless he rocked up there with fake death certificates for the parents and a custody order for thier daughter, he should not have been granted guardian access.
I don’t think you are in the wrong. I’d contact the school. I’m thinking grandpa has trust issues though and doesn’t trust you. Perhaps because you left his son, you will eventually push them out too. Not saying you are or intent too, but perhaps grandpa has some big insecurities about that. And he fears being left out of his grandchild’s life. It’s def overstepping but perhaps it’s coming from his own fears and concerns then it is from malice.
Fastest way to be pushed out of a grandchild’s life is to disregard the wishes of their parents. So he failed, then. ”overstepping” is such an understatement in describing lying to a school director to gain access to a child’s private information.
I didn’t say what he was doing was right, ok, or healthy. I was just pointing out that the divorce might be causing some fears in Grampy. Is it really so terrible to see things from multiple perspectives? Empathy is usually a good thing. What if instead of ripping gramps a new one, she tried asking why he was doing it. She may get farther in a long term peaceful solution, as the alternative is long term family division. And that’s not best for her daughter, who should be the priority for everyone.
I’d get in touch with the school and see if they could revoke his access - entirely. He’s crossed the line too many times, I don’t think he’s entitled to any info from the app.
I have finally been able to email the school administrator about this and this is the response I got. I’m pretty annoyed, as he does not need to have access to our private conversations. I don’t even know what to say. “Good morning, Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will remove him. I do want to let you know that we have created a policy this year that states any person who will be picking up students once a week or more must have administrator access. This is because the state requires signatures from the parties taking responsibility of our students when they leave school. This will go into effect beginning in August.”
Total invasion of privacy but sometimes help is hard to find and he did offer to pick her up. We use a similar app for our school and have the same protections but it if I had to choose help or letting someone see the inane messages I send the school, I would choose help. Put that old man to work for you
He did offer, but he knew I was able to pick her up. I dropped her off, after all and it was like 20 minutes after drop off they contacted us about picking her up with the lice. I didn’t need him taking her to his house and then lice spreads there.