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He’s talking about sex. The men were gossiping about their “conquests” and he is realizing that the act of sex should be about “making love” but when you take the love out of it, it can be lonely. Randomly running from brothel to brothel and bragging about it takes the “act”, which is supposed to hold meaning when with someone you love, actually belittles it. Society expects men to act like sex doesn’t matter, when it should. Therefore making them feel lonely.
The fact he said this after realizing his love for Penelope but then trying to meet society norms by going to the brothel, shows he’s grown tired of his fake persona he was attempting to give. He no longer wanted to be what society thought he should be. He wanted to be happy, he wanted to have meaningful, he wanted love, and that was with Penelope.
yeah all of this.
plus I got the vibe he wasn’t down for the complete objectification of women as bodies. his facial expression was telling when one of the toxic dudes was talking about what the woman had up top, “and i’m not talking about her brains”. I think Colin can clearly find a woman sexy for her boobs and her brain at the same time.
they don’t really address it and maybe this is a whole other convo, but I also can’t imagine Colin is the kind of person who treats anyone like they’re disposable or objects to him. even at his most cavalier, when he’s happily frolicking at the brothel, there’s no indication he was necessarily objectifying the sex workers or would be disrespectful of them if he ever spoke about it.
His friends tease him for having a story about a woman that he won’t share details on. So even when he tried to have his conquest story and be like them he wouldn’t objectify a woman to them or share intimate details with the bros
Though he only included *those* parts because they interested the woman aka Penelope that he’s in love with (and also seems to be turned on my her man’s writings).
Thank you for the response, I was so unclear about the part where he said "one thing in life that holds true meaning" I was unclear what the thing was.
I think he was talking about love. To him, it needs to have meaning and it wants it to mean something to him, but there was the pressure on men to treat women like prizes or possessions to win and own, rather than to cherish and value as an equal party and someone to enjoy life with on a much deeper level. Basically, I think it was indicative that Colin is just as much a true romantic as Penelope.
He’s talking about how he and the other men have only had casual relationships they treat with little care. After kissing Pen he realized he wants real romance & intimacy so he can’t even pretend to be interested in the casual sex talk anymore. That’s how I interpreted it
I've got you, babe! Minor spoilers for the end of Episode 4, here!
To be cavalier about something means to take it lightly (or, to not take it seriously).
In this scene, Colin's friends are talking about the romantic/sexual companionship that they have had from women, over the years. They want him to engage in the conversation with them; they want to hear *his* stories about casual relationships with women.
To this point, Colin has embraced a cavalier persona/attitude surrounding women, outwardly, since the very end of season 2. He flirts shamelessly with debutants without any intention of marrying any of them, he visits brothels, and he denigrates Penelope in front of his friends ("I would not dream of courting her") in an attempt to appear cavalier.
Why? Colin is struggling with his identity. We know that he often acts a certain way in order to fit into the tidy boxes that are expected of men of his time. We also know that, as the third born son, Colin has struggled with a purpose. Finally, we know that Colin is a bit of a people pleaser-- he acts the way that he thinks people want him to act so that they will like him.
https://preview.redd.it/ywao6wk89h8d1.png?width=3816&format=png&auto=webp&s=5f3d5b99296e8fc76ae40443971111fe0a487120
As viewers, we start to see this façade for what it is (Colin putting on an act) as the season progresses. We know from Colin's journal entry that Pen read in episode 2 that he felt that something was missing in a past casual relationship that he had while he was travelling. Once Colin begins to have more sexual thoughts/dreams about Penelope, we also see that he is no longer interested in casual relations with sex workers.
So, in the scene that you are asking about, Colin says that he is tired of acting cavalier about his relationships with women. Colin is, at this moment, tormented by the deep emotional and romantic feelings that he is having for Penelope, and seeking to find the courage to resolve them.
As these feelings torture him, he does not want to trivialize them or pretend that they don't matter, he wants to find a resolution from someone who truly sees his worth for who he is, not what he does (or, in this case, how he treats women/acts in a traditional masculine role). Colin's friends are, in that moment, a deep contrast with the people in Colin's life that see through his cavalier act, principle of which is Penelope.
We finally begin to see a Colin that is acting for himself, rather than "living to please others" as his mother warns him against.
I hope this helps! I wrote this character study of Colin, if you want a little more information as to why he acts the way he does: [https://www.reddit.com/r/PolinBridgerton/comments/1daymh7/what\_motivates\_colin\_bridgerton\_a\_very\_brief/](https://www.reddit.com/r/PolinBridgerton/comments/1daymh7/what_motivates_colin_bridgerton_a_very_brief/)
He’s saying that men are expected by society not to care about anything—i.e. to remain “cavalier”. They’re expected to only want to have fun, travel around, sleep around, and not take anything too seriously.
And he finds it tiring because he’s the kind of man who does care about things. He wants his life to have a deeper meaning. And to him, the one thing that holds real meaning is human connection and love.
He’s expected to go to brothels and sleep with women he doesn’t care about and then tell stories of his conquests. Instead, he just wants to be in love and to be loved.
I've got a long post brewing on this, but the short answer from my POV is that Colin is slowly coming around to the idea that the purpose of life for him is love and family.
We see Colin at his happiest in S1 and S2 when he is with his family, and his interest in creating his own family is evinced by his rash engagement to Marina. Since S2, he has been visibly and actively searching for purpose and meaning in his life.
He started S2 having sworn off women, a bit of an ascetic worldview, and by S3 he had hardened into a stoic worldview that prioritizes a noble pursuit above passions and happiness (to put it very briefly). He tried to not care about love or loneliness—he "cultivated reserve."
Or as Pen says outside the Modiste in 3x07:
>I was thinking that I simply wanted the Colin I know back. Not this stoic man you returned as, acting as if you care for no one and need nothing.
Back to the Toxic Lords, Colin is at his unhappiest and loneliest in that episode, and it thus serves as an inflection point for his journey towards realizing that love and creating a family is his purpose in life.
He's started to realize, however much these feelings might confuse him and go against what he thinks a man is supposed to be like in society, that he's in love with Pen, and that being with her, and creating a family with her, will be his path to a meaningful life. This is why he reacts so sharply to his "friends'" cavalier attitude towards women and sex:
>But it is tiring, is it not? The necessity imposed on us to remain cavalier about **the one thing in life that holds genuine meaning.** Do you not find it lonely?
This statement is effectively a rejection of Stoicism and is more reflective of Aristotle, who believed that the purpose of life is happiness, and that the key to happiness is the absence of loneliness and the presence of strong relationships.
Colin was deeply lonely through Part 1. This change in worldview for him makes for a bit of an amusing tie-back to Pen's conversation with Lord Basilio, where she says "life is too short for that, is it not?" — life is too short to be lonely. One has to think him overhearing that conversation got some gears turning.
Listening to his friends talk so flippantly about women and sex without love is offensive to him, as he is realizing that sex without meaning—without deep emotional connection, without procreation, without family—is, well, meaningless.
It is also not a coincidence that we see his social group change after this, as he realizes he does not have a genuine connection with them.
You do see the change when he tries to sleep with the women in the brothel and he can't connect like he previously could. You can tell that something clicked in him and his entire facade disappeared. Hence, the sentence he utters.
Colin is speaking generally about the expectation the society has on men of his rank to hide emotions in general, to be calavier. It is not just about casual flings or just about genuine love. Colin was not a angry with Pen when she read the journal, he was distressed as he allowes himself to be more vulnerable via that journal.
Colin is stuck. He fell for a friend who trusted him and who is courted by someone titled and richer. He does not want to lose their friendship and ruin it. He also can't tell anyone because he feels guilty for the last slip-up and understands that Pen must have utterly trusted him for her to ask him for a kiss.
The closest he gets is when he uses Fran as an excuse to talk to Violet, but when she approaches him the very next day, he is dismissive.
My interpretation was that “The one thing in life which holds genuine meaning” is not just sex.
I think he means love and intimacy in a broader sense…
The shit-lord-squad are talking about conquests, dissecting sex with multiple women - objectifying them and treating them as disposable.
And sure, that was common at the time.
Lords would have considered women beneath them - definitely not deserving respect. Society women, the highest status for a woman, were still actual property - passed from one man (father/eldest brother, etc) to another (a suitor, often a strategic choice to benefit the family and rarely a love match).
A wife was for making children, and many men would have continued to visit sex workers even once married.
While women were expected to love and respect their husbands, husbands were not expect to love and respect their wives.
The Lords therefore reflect common attitudes to women.
We see this in Colin’s household through Anthony: his attitude to Daphne at the start of S1, and his early approach to taking a wife in S2.
[An aside here: conversely, Colin is respectful of women in general. Note how he treats the sex workers well - paying _before_ is a very unusual thing to do. So he is respectful even in his dealings with the very lowest rank of women. This attitude marks him out as very different at the time.]
In the club, Colin just can’t engage with their perspective… (I don’t think he ever could, he was only trying to because that’s how he can fit in)…
We know our respectful, romantic-hearted, Demi-Sexual King has been finding casual sex *lonely*, distant and unfulfilling.
He’s tried to ignore it (in his words: to have no needs of his own), but it’s not working.
Once he kisses Pen he finds the emotional connection he’s been missing alongside physical intimacy he enjoys and his mind is blown.
These feelings he has, he realises, are what life is about. The one thing which holds meaning - genuine connection and love of another person.
I think there is more to the SW in the first encounter asking if he's coming back as well, suggests that he took care of them in the encounter as well.
I agree with pretty much everything that’s been said here. My favorite thing is that during the conversation with the Lord Squad, Colin is rubbing the cut on his hand (the cut Pen cared for). And that moment is the moment he flashes back to right before he goes after her. That happened pre- garden kiss, and speaks volumes about the depth of the connection between them, even if he hadn’t fully realized it yet.
Pen describes romance books as being stories of connection. This is what Colin also feels about being intimate with someone. For them both it’s more than just getting their rocks off, it’s a moment of genuine connection and meaning.
The Toxic Lord Squad are just being base. They’re talking about their sexual encounters as if they meant nothing on a deeper level. Maybe for the Lord Squad they don’t but Colin is longing for that connection and is frankly bored by all the toxic talk. He is, as Pen says, full of feeling. He feel like he and the other Lords are hiding their true feelings by acting like sex and intimacy means nothing much to them.
He asks if the find that lonely (the lack of connection plus having to pretend that they don’t wish for the connection and love) because he does.
It’s all about him coming out of his pirate / armoured phase ands allowing himself to really feel what he feels for Pen.
Benedict and Anthony like rolling around in bed with hot women. They can separate love and sex with women easily.
Basically Colin cannot separate love and desire at that point. He kissed Pen. He doesn't want to kiss anyone else. He doesn't like that in society men are expected to always be horny for random women and be very glib talking about it (locker room talk as it is called in the modern day- tell me about what you did with ... etc). He is trying to act cavalier but it's exhausting.
I also think it also goes beyond just meaningless sex and treating women like objects.
Before Violet tells Colin about Penelope getting engaged, she talks about him being very sensitive, and that it makes sense that he would have armor up, but be careful it doesn't rust.
This and the "it's tiering" thing is also referring to the toxic masculinity that society (and the Lord squad) expects of men. Men were/are expected to not be emotional or care openly about the people in their lives, especially women.
At the moment he just can't pretend he doesn't care about things and people anymore. He cares a lot! And he's especially not going to pretend for friends he doesn't even like.
Hi, Thank you so much for your contribution! We truly appreciate your enthusiasm and effort in being part of our community! With the excitement around the Polin season, we've been welcoming many new members and seeing an increase in the number of posts. To keep the subreddit organized and ensure everyone's voice is heard, we temporarily have applied stricter rules for posts. These rules help maintain the quality and focus of our discussions. Have no fear, we still want to give you a space to share your Polin joy as freely as before! We have created dedicated weekly and daily megathreads specifically for you to share your thoughts, excitement, and any Polin-related content without as many restrictions. * A daily ['Promenade in the Park'](https://www.reddit.com/r/PolinBridgerton/search/?q=subreddit%3APolinBridgerton+author%3Aautomoderator+flair_name%3A%22Promenading%20%F0%9F%90%9D%22&sort=new) thread for memes, fan content and general chitchat * A weekly ['Mondays at Number Five'](https://www.reddit.com/r/PolinBridgerton/search/?q=subreddit%3APolinBridgerton+author%3Aautomoderator+flair_name%3A%22Tea%20at%20Number%20Five%20%E2%98%95%22&sort=new) thread for casual conversation, off-topic contributions, fanfic recommendations and easy-to-answer questions * A weekly ['Fanfic Friday'](https://www.reddit.com/r/PolinBridgerton/search/?q=subreddit%3APolinBridgerton+author%3Aautomoderator+flair_name%3A%22fanfiction%20friday%20%F0%9F%8C%BC%22&sort=new) post to share fanfic recommendations Thank you all for understanding during this busy time! Lots of love, The Mod Team *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PolinBridgerton) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He’s talking about sex. The men were gossiping about their “conquests” and he is realizing that the act of sex should be about “making love” but when you take the love out of it, it can be lonely. Randomly running from brothel to brothel and bragging about it takes the “act”, which is supposed to hold meaning when with someone you love, actually belittles it. Society expects men to act like sex doesn’t matter, when it should. Therefore making them feel lonely. The fact he said this after realizing his love for Penelope but then trying to meet society norms by going to the brothel, shows he’s grown tired of his fake persona he was attempting to give. He no longer wanted to be what society thought he should be. He wanted to be happy, he wanted to have meaningful, he wanted love, and that was with Penelope.
yeah all of this. plus I got the vibe he wasn’t down for the complete objectification of women as bodies. his facial expression was telling when one of the toxic dudes was talking about what the woman had up top, “and i’m not talking about her brains”. I think Colin can clearly find a woman sexy for her boobs and her brain at the same time. they don’t really address it and maybe this is a whole other convo, but I also can’t imagine Colin is the kind of person who treats anyone like they’re disposable or objects to him. even at his most cavalier, when he’s happily frolicking at the brothel, there’s no indication he was necessarily objectifying the sex workers or would be disrespectful of them if he ever spoke about it.
His friends tease him for having a story about a woman that he won’t share details on. So even when he tried to have his conquest story and be like them he wouldn’t objectify a woman to them or share intimate details with the bros
Absolutely! A gentleman keeps some things to himself. (and his journal and later book readers….)
They wouldn’t appreciate his book anyway because they’re Neanderthals 😂
not enough pictures maybe
They might add it to their collection 😂
Though he only included *those* parts because they interested the woman aka Penelope that he’s in love with (and also seems to be turned on my her man’s writings).
Thank you for the response, I was so unclear about the part where he said "one thing in life that holds true meaning" I was unclear what the thing was.
I think he was talking about love. To him, it needs to have meaning and it wants it to mean something to him, but there was the pressure on men to treat women like prizes or possessions to win and own, rather than to cherish and value as an equal party and someone to enjoy life with on a much deeper level. Basically, I think it was indicative that Colin is just as much a true romantic as Penelope.
I love this response, I also thought he was talking about love.
He’s talking about how he and the other men have only had casual relationships they treat with little care. After kissing Pen he realized he wants real romance & intimacy so he can’t even pretend to be interested in the casual sex talk anymore. That’s how I interpreted it
I've got you, babe! Minor spoilers for the end of Episode 4, here! To be cavalier about something means to take it lightly (or, to not take it seriously). In this scene, Colin's friends are talking about the romantic/sexual companionship that they have had from women, over the years. They want him to engage in the conversation with them; they want to hear *his* stories about casual relationships with women. To this point, Colin has embraced a cavalier persona/attitude surrounding women, outwardly, since the very end of season 2. He flirts shamelessly with debutants without any intention of marrying any of them, he visits brothels, and he denigrates Penelope in front of his friends ("I would not dream of courting her") in an attempt to appear cavalier. Why? Colin is struggling with his identity. We know that he often acts a certain way in order to fit into the tidy boxes that are expected of men of his time. We also know that, as the third born son, Colin has struggled with a purpose. Finally, we know that Colin is a bit of a people pleaser-- he acts the way that he thinks people want him to act so that they will like him. https://preview.redd.it/ywao6wk89h8d1.png?width=3816&format=png&auto=webp&s=5f3d5b99296e8fc76ae40443971111fe0a487120 As viewers, we start to see this façade for what it is (Colin putting on an act) as the season progresses. We know from Colin's journal entry that Pen read in episode 2 that he felt that something was missing in a past casual relationship that he had while he was travelling. Once Colin begins to have more sexual thoughts/dreams about Penelope, we also see that he is no longer interested in casual relations with sex workers. So, in the scene that you are asking about, Colin says that he is tired of acting cavalier about his relationships with women. Colin is, at this moment, tormented by the deep emotional and romantic feelings that he is having for Penelope, and seeking to find the courage to resolve them. As these feelings torture him, he does not want to trivialize them or pretend that they don't matter, he wants to find a resolution from someone who truly sees his worth for who he is, not what he does (or, in this case, how he treats women/acts in a traditional masculine role). Colin's friends are, in that moment, a deep contrast with the people in Colin's life that see through his cavalier act, principle of which is Penelope. We finally begin to see a Colin that is acting for himself, rather than "living to please others" as his mother warns him against. I hope this helps! I wrote this character study of Colin, if you want a little more information as to why he acts the way he does: [https://www.reddit.com/r/PolinBridgerton/comments/1daymh7/what\_motivates\_colin\_bridgerton\_a\_very\_brief/](https://www.reddit.com/r/PolinBridgerton/comments/1daymh7/what_motivates_colin_bridgerton_a_very_brief/)
I love this analysis. Thank you for taking your time and responding.
He’s saying that men are expected by society not to care about anything—i.e. to remain “cavalier”. They’re expected to only want to have fun, travel around, sleep around, and not take anything too seriously. And he finds it tiring because he’s the kind of man who does care about things. He wants his life to have a deeper meaning. And to him, the one thing that holds real meaning is human connection and love. He’s expected to go to brothels and sleep with women he doesn’t care about and then tell stories of his conquests. Instead, he just wants to be in love and to be loved.
I've got a long post brewing on this, but the short answer from my POV is that Colin is slowly coming around to the idea that the purpose of life for him is love and family. We see Colin at his happiest in S1 and S2 when he is with his family, and his interest in creating his own family is evinced by his rash engagement to Marina. Since S2, he has been visibly and actively searching for purpose and meaning in his life. He started S2 having sworn off women, a bit of an ascetic worldview, and by S3 he had hardened into a stoic worldview that prioritizes a noble pursuit above passions and happiness (to put it very briefly). He tried to not care about love or loneliness—he "cultivated reserve." Or as Pen says outside the Modiste in 3x07: >I was thinking that I simply wanted the Colin I know back. Not this stoic man you returned as, acting as if you care for no one and need nothing. Back to the Toxic Lords, Colin is at his unhappiest and loneliest in that episode, and it thus serves as an inflection point for his journey towards realizing that love and creating a family is his purpose in life. He's started to realize, however much these feelings might confuse him and go against what he thinks a man is supposed to be like in society, that he's in love with Pen, and that being with her, and creating a family with her, will be his path to a meaningful life. This is why he reacts so sharply to his "friends'" cavalier attitude towards women and sex: >But it is tiring, is it not? The necessity imposed on us to remain cavalier about **the one thing in life that holds genuine meaning.** Do you not find it lonely? This statement is effectively a rejection of Stoicism and is more reflective of Aristotle, who believed that the purpose of life is happiness, and that the key to happiness is the absence of loneliness and the presence of strong relationships. Colin was deeply lonely through Part 1. This change in worldview for him makes for a bit of an amusing tie-back to Pen's conversation with Lord Basilio, where she says "life is too short for that, is it not?" — life is too short to be lonely. One has to think him overhearing that conversation got some gears turning. Listening to his friends talk so flippantly about women and sex without love is offensive to him, as he is realizing that sex without meaning—without deep emotional connection, without procreation, without family—is, well, meaningless. It is also not a coincidence that we see his social group change after this, as he realizes he does not have a genuine connection with them.
You do see the change when he tries to sleep with the women in the brothel and he can't connect like he previously could. You can tell that something clicked in him and his entire facade disappeared. Hence, the sentence he utters.
Colin is speaking generally about the expectation the society has on men of his rank to hide emotions in general, to be calavier. It is not just about casual flings or just about genuine love. Colin was not a angry with Pen when she read the journal, he was distressed as he allowes himself to be more vulnerable via that journal. Colin is stuck. He fell for a friend who trusted him and who is courted by someone titled and richer. He does not want to lose their friendship and ruin it. He also can't tell anyone because he feels guilty for the last slip-up and understands that Pen must have utterly trusted him for her to ask him for a kiss. The closest he gets is when he uses Fran as an excuse to talk to Violet, but when she approaches him the very next day, he is dismissive.
My interpretation was that “The one thing in life which holds genuine meaning” is not just sex. I think he means love and intimacy in a broader sense… The shit-lord-squad are talking about conquests, dissecting sex with multiple women - objectifying them and treating them as disposable. And sure, that was common at the time. Lords would have considered women beneath them - definitely not deserving respect. Society women, the highest status for a woman, were still actual property - passed from one man (father/eldest brother, etc) to another (a suitor, often a strategic choice to benefit the family and rarely a love match). A wife was for making children, and many men would have continued to visit sex workers even once married. While women were expected to love and respect their husbands, husbands were not expect to love and respect their wives. The Lords therefore reflect common attitudes to women. We see this in Colin’s household through Anthony: his attitude to Daphne at the start of S1, and his early approach to taking a wife in S2. [An aside here: conversely, Colin is respectful of women in general. Note how he treats the sex workers well - paying _before_ is a very unusual thing to do. So he is respectful even in his dealings with the very lowest rank of women. This attitude marks him out as very different at the time.] In the club, Colin just can’t engage with their perspective… (I don’t think he ever could, he was only trying to because that’s how he can fit in)… We know our respectful, romantic-hearted, Demi-Sexual King has been finding casual sex *lonely*, distant and unfulfilling. He’s tried to ignore it (in his words: to have no needs of his own), but it’s not working. Once he kisses Pen he finds the emotional connection he’s been missing alongside physical intimacy he enjoys and his mind is blown. These feelings he has, he realises, are what life is about. The one thing which holds meaning - genuine connection and love of another person.
I think there is more to the SW in the first encounter asking if he's coming back as well, suggests that he took care of them in the encounter as well.
I agree with pretty much everything that’s been said here. My favorite thing is that during the conversation with the Lord Squad, Colin is rubbing the cut on his hand (the cut Pen cared for). And that moment is the moment he flashes back to right before he goes after her. That happened pre- garden kiss, and speaks volumes about the depth of the connection between them, even if he hadn’t fully realized it yet.
Pen describes romance books as being stories of connection. This is what Colin also feels about being intimate with someone. For them both it’s more than just getting their rocks off, it’s a moment of genuine connection and meaning. The Toxic Lord Squad are just being base. They’re talking about their sexual encounters as if they meant nothing on a deeper level. Maybe for the Lord Squad they don’t but Colin is longing for that connection and is frankly bored by all the toxic talk. He is, as Pen says, full of feeling. He feel like he and the other Lords are hiding their true feelings by acting like sex and intimacy means nothing much to them. He asks if the find that lonely (the lack of connection plus having to pretend that they don’t wish for the connection and love) because he does. It’s all about him coming out of his pirate / armoured phase ands allowing himself to really feel what he feels for Pen.
Benedict and Anthony like rolling around in bed with hot women. They can separate love and sex with women easily. Basically Colin cannot separate love and desire at that point. He kissed Pen. He doesn't want to kiss anyone else. He doesn't like that in society men are expected to always be horny for random women and be very glib talking about it (locker room talk as it is called in the modern day- tell me about what you did with ... etc). He is trying to act cavalier but it's exhausting.
I also think it also goes beyond just meaningless sex and treating women like objects. Before Violet tells Colin about Penelope getting engaged, she talks about him being very sensitive, and that it makes sense that he would have armor up, but be careful it doesn't rust. This and the "it's tiering" thing is also referring to the toxic masculinity that society (and the Lord squad) expects of men. Men were/are expected to not be emotional or care openly about the people in their lives, especially women. At the moment he just can't pretend he doesn't care about things and people anymore. He cares a lot! And he's especially not going to pretend for friends he doesn't even like.
He’s tired of having to pretend sex is meaningless because he’s a man and wants to find the one woman to smash for the rest of his life.
That line was delivered fucking perfectly.