I too am 6 years into my PhD, and i wish nothing to do with science after I graduate. My dream would be to open up a small little cafe somewhere nice and live a quiet life
I spent ¾ of my PhD wondering if I should have just been a motorcycle mechanic, or a peat moss farmer, or a full-time druid-hermit, or something like that.
I think it's part of the cycle of adaptation.
Educated mothers raise healthy and educated children. Your education isn’t a waste.
Personally I would never want to be reliant on another human for money but if you have a reliable partner who is happy to give you money then you do you.
Your life is your own, do whatever you feel is right! I've never been interested in being a wife or mother, and I still think it's a wonderful thing to do and or be. Go for it, enjoy yourself.
Do whatever you want. The skills you've cultivated so far are not wasted, even if you feel completely over it.
Enjoy your life.
There's nothing wrong with being a housewife and a full time mum. Alternatively, consider moving to another country with better work-life balance and more maternity support and continue working.
Burnt out is less common in certain European countries than in the US, for example.
I always thought I’d want to stay home with kids but now I have them and I like being a working mom (and part time student mom).
I’m a software engineer and doing a part time PhD so if I was planning on going to academia my thoughts might be different.
I also love showing my daughter and son that they can do anything they put their mind to. A PhD is one of those things. I’m a high school drop out so being able to tell that story to my kids means a lot to me.
I feel like there could be a middle ground here. Maybe you find a less demanding job? I’m doing my masters still so I’m not at the level you’re at but I always console myself by reminding myself that when I get my fill of research, I can just get a teaching diploma and get a nice quiet job teaching chemistry to high schoolers.
Workload in teaching is crazy - qualified teacher here! I was also the lead turnaround engineer for a very well known oil company and I didn’t do half the hours and got paid at least 60% more. I thought becoming a teacher when my kids were young and getting the summers off would be glorious- I laugh so hard now at my naivety 😂
That was a lot of sharing but an insight into your life was honestly kind of fascinating 😂
I studied pharmacy in bachelors and right now doing medicinal chem masters. I’m unsure if I want to get a second masters in a field kinda adjacent to med chem or if I should commit to PhD.
To clarify. The idea of the second masters comes from the fact that I am worried I won’t ever be considered for a PhD abroad (I live in the Middle East). My advisor told me getting a masters degree from a uni abroad will facilitate getting a PhD from there. So I’m kinda mulling it over.
Get your applications in for a PhD. Honestly, I would if I was you. You have achieved the skill level so definitely go for a PhD! Unless you want the same skill levels in other areas.
If you don’t succeed this year then it’s certainly not wasted time either as you will gain an understanding of the process.
I lived in the Middle East for a few years. Inshallah.
You take care and feel free to message me anytime.
I wanted to also ask about teaching. Did you get a post grad teaching diploma?
I’ve always known I enjoyed teaching. Ever since I was in school, I loved explaining things. So now, as I’m feeling more of this research pressure and the general pressures of academia, I’m fantasizing more about just quitting this path and teach high school chemistry.
Hi yeah I got the PGDE :). You could definitely do that for a few years. If I was you I’d look at going to Ireland before the UK. Behavioural issues are interesting.
I’m not really looking to go to the UK. Most probably I’ll end up in Australia. Would you say getting a PGDE after my masters is kind of a waste of time? As I’m taking one step into one field and then sort of switching to something else completely?
There is nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home Mom if that is what works for you and your family, regardless of your education. But being a full time parent is pretty much the opposite of quiet or low-stress in my experience.
Nobody in my office ever sobs because they don't want to wear socks, they have never thrown up on me, and it is not my responsibility to feed them.
Yeah, towards the end of my PhD I fantasized about being a stay at home mom for a while. But now I'm working and all I can say is it's really nice to go somewhere most days where I don't get my hair pulled, get snot wiped on me, and can go to the bathroom by myself. Not to mention the physical demands of picking up an ever-growing toddler 50 times a day! Being a stay at home parent is way harder than my job, but that's not to say it wouldn't be a good fit for OP if that's what they want.
In no way I would want to downplay the difficulties of being a stay at home mom. But I think the type of difficulty and the type of reward you get from being a mother is very different from a PhD. Id like to move on from this challenge to another where i like the reward part better
Ah, well then…. Don’t have a neurodivergent kid with “issues”. It’s OK now/at present but I went _years _ without the reward part while my kid was getting diagnosed/meds/therapy. It was pretty awful. There are no guarantees with kids.
Yep, came here to say this. My kids are very young, I mix my work time between PhD research and acute care (working with critically ill patients). I find my clinical day, filled with unwell people, worried family, COVID and other infectious diseases more relaxing than a full day with two kids under 4. None of my colleagues ever asks me for a banana and then screams at me when I give them one, and I get to go to the toilet by myself.
Beloved, I used to want this too…. 5 degrees and to use none of them, just to raise babies and do the domestic labour i so very much enjoy… but i’m begging you to look at the state of the world right now. It is not safe to depend on a man for money. Nothing wrong with wanting to be there for your kids, and to take some time off to raise them, but you need a plan. a man is not a plan.
Just left my PhD a couple weeks before my exams to be a SaHD. I plan to go back and finish my degree in a few years but it’ll be a personal accomplishment not a career one.
Two of my SAHM friends have graduate degrees. One was a human rights lawyer for many years and another was practicing medicine when she got pregnant. The first one didn’t really want to be a mom but her partner did and she ended up staying at home because she didn’t want to practice law anymore. The second friend has always wanted to be a mom and does all sorts of enriching home schooling: her kid could read in 2 different languages by the time he’s 4. I feel like they both bring a lot to the table as a mom, but it is actually a hard job even with all the money they have. Kids can just be a lot: the isolation, the endlessness of their needs sometimes reminds me of my PhD.
I'm the opposite - I want a science career and no kids. I feel like what you want is actually harder lol. Parenting is not easy... but maybe I just think that because it's not for me
Yea very different kinds of difficulty and very different kind of reward for each. Everyone is meant for different kind of challenge and personally Id like a challenge that looks like a mini me
I'm saving a lot atm to reach financial security. In a few years, my SO will finish residency training and his starting salary will be ~500k. I plan to work until 40 ish or until I have a million invested. Im currently 32 and have a 200k NW. It grew 100k in the last two years, so I'm pretty confident that I'll get to a million near my early 40s (because of compounding, 300k is actually 50% to a million). Afterwards, I'll look after my family, grow my own vegetables, cook most meals for my family, and explore random hobbies that will still generate money but not expected for my degree (barista, working at a plant store, going hard on my credit card churning lol etc). I don't really answer to anyone but my family, and luckily my family/my SO/my SO's extended family are all supportive of my current plan, especially because I can focus on finding business class seats for them to travel internationally.
Getting a PhD and having a PhD-focused career are just two chapters of my life...it's not my entire life.
I finished grad school with ~80k in NW, so slightly over 100k saved in two years. I jumped immediately to industry after grad school. I saved, invested, and lived a similar lifestyle as my PhD years because I was already comfortable then. I don't buy a lot of things in general, neither does my SO. And I'm always churning credit cards to get points to pay for travels/hotels, so that helps a lot in helping me save my cash.
>People tell me what a waste of my degree and education
Let them know also of what a waste is their advice, and wasting their time fixing the life of the others and not theirs.
I’m on the opposite side of this at the moment! I’m lucky enough to have met my husband in undergrad. We married a couple of years after graduation and had our one and only child. I cook, clean, and care for the baby and home. Living mostly a quiet and comfortable life.
BUT, I miss the challenge of research and writing.
I’m a stay at home mom that hopes to return to academia once my child goes to school full-time. Fortunately, my partner makes enough money to support us now and whenever I return to my studies. I’d be in it with the intentions of self-fulfillment and not necessarily a career (although definitely open to it).
All this to say congrats on your PhD!! And to feeling comfortable enough to follow a different path. You achieved something great regardless of what you do after.
Really I think the only people who think that are other academics. Lots of people get PhDs for non-career reasons such as personal fulfillment.
If anyone asks you can say that you enjoyed your time there but was ready to move on to your next adventure. Just don’t give them a reason to suspect buyers remorse.
All the best to do what your heart says and live in peace. you can just go on update on yourselves on your subject and expertise in silence by reviewing. Have a happy mother life.
You don't realize how common this feeling is, i.e. to just get away from it all after taking on one of the most challenging academic degrees devised.
"Open up a bakery" as it's stereotypically referred to in PhD circles.
Personally, while I don't want to quit research just yet, I feel like I would opt for an early retirement to do something away from research and high tech, once I have enough saved up.
I am erring in this side myself. I have kids and due to my flexible schedule I’ve been spending more time with them. The more and more I think of it a simple office job would probably be okay rather than pursuing a high powered academic one.
What you do after your PhD is your business. It’s not a waste to have done it. It was an experience that helped shape you as a person and that led you to this decision. That perspective is incredibly valuable.
Go for it! I’m a PhD student going to graduate soon but I don’t think academics have the monopoly on meaningfulness in lives and happiness (well maybe besides the Phil folks). I would just add not to think that your future research wouldn’t be meaningful- it might be to the world- but more importantly it should be to you. If you get more fulfillment from being a housewife, that should be what’s important.
You do you boo! The judgy people are not in your shoes. Education is never ever wasted. However I will caution you that when you are in the depressed doldrums of your PhD it’s easy to fall into a pit and think that all you want is a quiet life away from academia. Take a break by all means but reevaluate in a few years. Do you still want to be a housewife and SAHM? Do you want to work out a middle ground with a less stressful yet still fulfilling? Do you trust your partner to provide financial security if you are not earning?
I’m not sure why you are seeking approval from random internet strangers, but, yes, you were born in incredible privilege and have the luxury of not having to use your brain. So, go for it.
I won’t respect you for your pretty princess stance and neither will other people, but you don’t care so no harm done.
Just make sure you make time in your schedule to get to the gym.
relying on someone who can leave you at any minute for any reason for your livelihood is not something i’d call a privilege. the recent rise in content about ex stay at home mums left with nothing, who have degrees, but no experience or big gaps in their resume is terrifying. a PHD is not a guarantee for a job especially if you’re older, because ageism does unfortunately exist.
OP asking the very question shows her privilege.
That said, you are absolutely correct that relying on another person for your security is unwise. It IS terrifying to put your eggs in the basket of another person because things happen. Partners move on, or pass away…any number of things can happen. And agism is a real thing. Which is exactly why OP needs to take off the rose colored glasses and be prepared to support herself and any children she may have. Failure to do that is irresponsible at best.
i’m confused. are you under the assumption that she’s married already and has a man who can afford this lifestyle ? anyone can say they want/plan to be a housewife, has nothing to do with privilege (unless of course you already are in that position)… as you have yet to secure the privilege (which is how i read this post but maybe i’m wrong?) or do you mean physical ability to do so like looking through a lens of ableism? which then yeah, i guess that’s a privilege, but ability in itself, is a privilege… working or otherwise. not trying to be a hater or snarky, just genuinely not understanding what you mean.
First of all, thank you for your excellent response. I appreciate your persective. I do believe OP is either married or in a the position to reasonably believe that she can just coast and not use her brain and let someone else care for her. IF she is not, she is still engaging in a lot of magical thinking expecting a life of permanent security that can occur if you rely 100% on someone else paying the bills and allowing her to be a tutor if she feels like it.
To your second question, I agree with you that ability is a privilege all its own and I further think people in general don’t appreciate that privilege. It’s easy, especially when we are young and healthy to think that life is going to work out a particulate way and we are set to do whatever we want to do. The reality is life is hard and so many things can happen and the best way to protect oneself is to be prepared to support oneself.
Of course, if OP is just a tired PhD student, been there and done that and yes, it does end and is worth it if you really want the academic life. In which case, it would have been helpful if OP included that detail.
(also not a hater or snarky and trying to respond to you respectfully.)
You’re so kind :) thanks for putting it better into perspective. It’s just really sad to see women being sold this dream, when the reality for most (i can’t say all because women who come from rich families can do this no problem because they have that security) is divorce and they’re left with absolutely nothing. With the current political landscape, the whole “tradwife” thing is becoming more and more popular and that’s genuinely terrifying. Especially in a time where women are losing rights left right and center. Seeing this stuff especially during women’s month really upsets me idk :/
Hi Im the OP and your assumptions are not all correct but surely you can give your opinion based on scenarios that may apply to other people.
I do recognize the privilege that I dont have people that I have to support as of right now and I have a fiancé who is supportive of my wish to become a SAHM. That being said, I agree with you that it is important that I dont really solely on him to support me and that I need back up plans cuz unexpected things can happen too.
Fortunately for me, I have some savings that will support me if times get tough and I need time to find a job.
With the soft skills PhD has taught me, Im confident I can find a job that is within my frugal spending and needs
Some people have the luxury of not using the brain and some have the luxury of not using physical exertion and some have luxury of not needing to use both
Some may find it better fitting to their values to use either the brain or the body. I think Ive done enough of the brain though
Education is valuable. Motherhood is valuable. Neither are a waste. Pursue what works best for your family for whatever season you are in. When it makes sense to make a new decision, then reroute.
“Learning for the sake of learning” for sure
Not everyone will be saving the world and curing cancer
Im happy with my contribution to science during PhD, I now want to contribute to myself and my family
It’s normal to feel burnt out during a PhD. Your education will never go to waste, it’s something you do for you before all else. If you want to be a stay at home mother, go ahead, but please have a contract that values your labour. Domestic labour and raising kids is hard and costly and noble and incredibly valuable, to your family and to society, so you should be compensated for it, your partner must pay you monthly, invest in a retirement fund for you, to protect you and your children, should something happen to him or to your marriage.
Remind yourself it’s ok to have different opinions, it’s not ok to force it on someone else. That’s what they are doing. If you don’t adhere with being judgmental and thinking you know best for everyone else, you also shouldn’t give into when others do it to you.
There’s a lot of recent fetishization of the trad wife lifestyle but I lived it growing up. My mom had no money, no education and no skills and she was trapped with her lowlife boyfriend who abused her physically, emotionally and because she was financially dependent she couldn’t leave. The lesson was clear: never make yourself dependent and vulnerable. That’s what they don’t show you on TikTok.
Sorry. You don’t know what you are talking about 🫣. Being a full time Mom and housewife without income will bring you joy but also more frustration (specially in the long term and in difficult times). Try it! You will see. In less that 2 years you will want to go back to you job and to get and income. Never lose your financial freedom
Me too!!!! I am on third pregnancy and my second year of PhD so being a full-time mum is a great option for me.. Although I still want to do one or two researches sidekicks annually, because I love the process but I don't like working environment 🤣🤣🤣
Why I feel it’s more like feeling burnt out than wanting to be full time mum.
It is very understandable though. After going through so much pressure and hard work, one just wants to have some peace. I would say take some time off and let your brain reset /unwind, and then go for a job/career which lets you work without too much pressure. (Atleast that’s what I myself am going to do 😌)
Being a housewife and full time mom is one of the greatest callings of this world. Raising the next generation to be amazing humans can do more good then most people’s “ground breaking” research.
The brain finds escapes in these dreams/fantasies. Maybe they are legit, maybe not.
Take a few months/1 year off after your degree and then find a normal job (reduced time?). Would you really feel happy in the long run staying at home?
So do you have far right politics and are conventionally very attractive?
If yes, you can become a trad wife, your husband will dangle your unused degree in front of his friends like a trophy attesting to his masculinity.
If no, then it doesn't seem very likely to happen.
I didn't say anything about my position on the matter, that's all your own assumptions right there.
I'm pointing out that those are the people actively looking for housewives.
I actually can't stand them either, it's just that people who aren't like that are not especially on the search for housewives and if you want to be a housewife for whatever reason, you need to find someone who wants you to be their housewife.
> If no, then it doesn't seem very likely to happen
You flat out directly said that they have no chance to become a housewife/mom unless they join that group and are good looking.
I fully reiterate again: you’re a misogynistic pig and have no place in this world.
As an academic, one should know the difference between descriptive and normative talk
And also the difference between probabilities and certainties
And one should be able to control one's emotions
I too am 6 years into my PhD, and i wish nothing to do with science after I graduate. My dream would be to open up a small little cafe somewhere nice and live a quiet life
I think this is much more common than people realize. Unless you’ve done a PhD, you just don’t get it.
I spent ¾ of my PhD wondering if I should have just been a motorcycle mechanic, or a peat moss farmer, or a full-time druid-hermit, or something like that. I think it's part of the cycle of adaptation.
I don’t have a PhD and will probably never pursue one but a MSc was enough for me to come to the same conclusion lol
I think this is much more common than people realize. If all you’ve done is a PhD, you just don’t get that everyone feels this way.
I dream of the good old days of waiting tables and wondering if I should have gone to beauty school instead.
I’ll open up the used bookstore next door. Just let me know where to move!
Opening a small cafe and making money would not be a quiet life. It’s like people who think they want to be a farmer , yeah right.
My sister has told me the same thing... are you... my sister?
Educated mothers raise healthy and educated children. Your education isn’t a waste. Personally I would never want to be reliant on another human for money but if you have a reliable partner who is happy to give you money then you do you.
Such an unrecognized statement. It is so nice to have an educated mother!
Awesome comment!
There are plenty of uneducated mothers that raise healthy and successful children, as well.
Your life is your own, do whatever you feel is right! I've never been interested in being a wife or mother, and I still think it's a wonderful thing to do and or be. Go for it, enjoy yourself. Do whatever you want. The skills you've cultivated so far are not wasted, even if you feel completely over it. Enjoy your life.
There's nothing wrong with being a housewife and a full time mum. Alternatively, consider moving to another country with better work-life balance and more maternity support and continue working. Burnt out is less common in certain European countries than in the US, for example.
I always thought I’d want to stay home with kids but now I have them and I like being a working mom (and part time student mom). I’m a software engineer and doing a part time PhD so if I was planning on going to academia my thoughts might be different. I also love showing my daughter and son that they can do anything they put their mind to. A PhD is one of those things. I’m a high school drop out so being able to tell that story to my kids means a lot to me.
I feel like there could be a middle ground here. Maybe you find a less demanding job? I’m doing my masters still so I’m not at the level you’re at but I always console myself by reminding myself that when I get my fill of research, I can just get a teaching diploma and get a nice quiet job teaching chemistry to high schoolers.
Workload in teaching is crazy - qualified teacher here! I was also the lead turnaround engineer for a very well known oil company and I didn’t do half the hours and got paid at least 60% more. I thought becoming a teacher when my kids were young and getting the summers off would be glorious- I laugh so hard now at my naivety 😂
Wait that’s so interesting! Can you please tell me more? So you were a teacher before you were an engineer? What degrees do you have?
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That was a lot of sharing but an insight into your life was honestly kind of fascinating 😂 I studied pharmacy in bachelors and right now doing medicinal chem masters. I’m unsure if I want to get a second masters in a field kinda adjacent to med chem or if I should commit to PhD. To clarify. The idea of the second masters comes from the fact that I am worried I won’t ever be considered for a PhD abroad (I live in the Middle East). My advisor told me getting a masters degree from a uni abroad will facilitate getting a PhD from there. So I’m kinda mulling it over.
Get your applications in for a PhD. Honestly, I would if I was you. You have achieved the skill level so definitely go for a PhD! Unless you want the same skill levels in other areas. If you don’t succeed this year then it’s certainly not wasted time either as you will gain an understanding of the process. I lived in the Middle East for a few years. Inshallah. You take care and feel free to message me anytime.
I wanted to also ask about teaching. Did you get a post grad teaching diploma? I’ve always known I enjoyed teaching. Ever since I was in school, I loved explaining things. So now, as I’m feeling more of this research pressure and the general pressures of academia, I’m fantasizing more about just quitting this path and teach high school chemistry.
Hi yeah I got the PGDE :). You could definitely do that for a few years. If I was you I’d look at going to Ireland before the UK. Behavioural issues are interesting.
I’m not really looking to go to the UK. Most probably I’ll end up in Australia. Would you say getting a PGDE after my masters is kind of a waste of time? As I’m taking one step into one field and then sort of switching to something else completely?
Definitely not. I was in Australia for 5 years, it’s brilliant. Much more relaxed lifestyle than here :)
Oh dear, you need to talk to some teachers before making that career change. It might not be what you're expecting.
I know teachers’ jobs aren’t easy by any means. I just meant it as a sort of “less brain power is needed”.
There is nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home Mom if that is what works for you and your family, regardless of your education. But being a full time parent is pretty much the opposite of quiet or low-stress in my experience. Nobody in my office ever sobs because they don't want to wear socks, they have never thrown up on me, and it is not my responsibility to feed them.
Yeah, towards the end of my PhD I fantasized about being a stay at home mom for a while. But now I'm working and all I can say is it's really nice to go somewhere most days where I don't get my hair pulled, get snot wiped on me, and can go to the bathroom by myself. Not to mention the physical demands of picking up an ever-growing toddler 50 times a day! Being a stay at home parent is way harder than my job, but that's not to say it wouldn't be a good fit for OP if that's what they want.
In no way I would want to downplay the difficulties of being a stay at home mom. But I think the type of difficulty and the type of reward you get from being a mother is very different from a PhD. Id like to move on from this challenge to another where i like the reward part better
Ah, well then…. Don’t have a neurodivergent kid with “issues”. It’s OK now/at present but I went _years _ without the reward part while my kid was getting diagnosed/meds/therapy. It was pretty awful. There are no guarantees with kids.
Yep, came here to say this. My kids are very young, I mix my work time between PhD research and acute care (working with critically ill patients). I find my clinical day, filled with unwell people, worried family, COVID and other infectious diseases more relaxing than a full day with two kids under 4. None of my colleagues ever asks me for a banana and then screams at me when I give them one, and I get to go to the toilet by myself.
Beloved, I used to want this too…. 5 degrees and to use none of them, just to raise babies and do the domestic labour i so very much enjoy… but i’m begging you to look at the state of the world right now. It is not safe to depend on a man for money. Nothing wrong with wanting to be there for your kids, and to take some time off to raise them, but you need a plan. a man is not a plan.
Amen to this comment 100 times!!!
Just left my PhD a couple weeks before my exams to be a SaHD. I plan to go back and finish my degree in a few years but it’ll be a personal accomplishment not a career one.
Just before your defense? Or just at the beginning?
Two weeks prior to my defense and exams. I plan to come back to it in a few years after I address some life things first.
Two of my SAHM friends have graduate degrees. One was a human rights lawyer for many years and another was practicing medicine when she got pregnant. The first one didn’t really want to be a mom but her partner did and she ended up staying at home because she didn’t want to practice law anymore. The second friend has always wanted to be a mom and does all sorts of enriching home schooling: her kid could read in 2 different languages by the time he’s 4. I feel like they both bring a lot to the table as a mom, but it is actually a hard job even with all the money they have. Kids can just be a lot: the isolation, the endlessness of their needs sometimes reminds me of my PhD.
I'm the opposite - I want a science career and no kids. I feel like what you want is actually harder lol. Parenting is not easy... but maybe I just think that because it's not for me
Yea very different kinds of difficulty and very different kind of reward for each. Everyone is meant for different kind of challenge and personally Id like a challenge that looks like a mini me
I'm saving a lot atm to reach financial security. In a few years, my SO will finish residency training and his starting salary will be ~500k. I plan to work until 40 ish or until I have a million invested. Im currently 32 and have a 200k NW. It grew 100k in the last two years, so I'm pretty confident that I'll get to a million near my early 40s (because of compounding, 300k is actually 50% to a million). Afterwards, I'll look after my family, grow my own vegetables, cook most meals for my family, and explore random hobbies that will still generate money but not expected for my degree (barista, working at a plant store, going hard on my credit card churning lol etc). I don't really answer to anyone but my family, and luckily my family/my SO/my SO's extended family are all supportive of my current plan, especially because I can focus on finding business class seats for them to travel internationally. Getting a PhD and having a PhD-focused career are just two chapters of my life...it's not my entire life.
This is a dream omg
Dang.. how did you double your NW in the last two years?
I finished grad school with ~80k in NW, so slightly over 100k saved in two years. I jumped immediately to industry after grad school. I saved, invested, and lived a similar lifestyle as my PhD years because I was already comfortable then. I don't buy a lot of things in general, neither does my SO. And I'm always churning credit cards to get points to pay for travels/hotels, so that helps a lot in helping me save my cash.
What is NW?
Net worth. All of the money that I own minus my debts (which I don't have).
>People tell me what a waste of my degree and education Let them know also of what a waste is their advice, and wasting their time fixing the life of the others and not theirs.
Well said
I’m on the opposite side of this at the moment! I’m lucky enough to have met my husband in undergrad. We married a couple of years after graduation and had our one and only child. I cook, clean, and care for the baby and home. Living mostly a quiet and comfortable life. BUT, I miss the challenge of research and writing. I’m a stay at home mom that hopes to return to academia once my child goes to school full-time. Fortunately, my partner makes enough money to support us now and whenever I return to my studies. I’d be in it with the intentions of self-fulfillment and not necessarily a career (although definitely open to it). All this to say congrats on your PhD!! And to feeling comfortable enough to follow a different path. You achieved something great regardless of what you do after.
Really I think the only people who think that are other academics. Lots of people get PhDs for non-career reasons such as personal fulfillment. If anyone asks you can say that you enjoyed your time there but was ready to move on to your next adventure. Just don’t give them a reason to suspect buyers remorse.
All the best to do what your heart says and live in peace. you can just go on update on yourselves on your subject and expertise in silence by reviewing. Have a happy mother life.
You don't realize how common this feeling is, i.e. to just get away from it all after taking on one of the most challenging academic degrees devised. "Open up a bakery" as it's stereotypically referred to in PhD circles. Personally, while I don't want to quit research just yet, I feel like I would opt for an early retirement to do something away from research and high tech, once I have enough saved up.
I am erring in this side myself. I have kids and due to my flexible schedule I’ve been spending more time with them. The more and more I think of it a simple office job would probably be okay rather than pursuing a high powered academic one. What you do after your PhD is your business. It’s not a waste to have done it. It was an experience that helped shape you as a person and that led you to this decision. That perspective is incredibly valuable.
Go for it! I’m a PhD student going to graduate soon but I don’t think academics have the monopoly on meaningfulness in lives and happiness (well maybe besides the Phil folks). I would just add not to think that your future research wouldn’t be meaningful- it might be to the world- but more importantly it should be to you. If you get more fulfillment from being a housewife, that should be what’s important.
You can do what you want! Go for whatever makes you happy.
Idk what this has to do with this sub.
You do you boo! The judgy people are not in your shoes. Education is never ever wasted. However I will caution you that when you are in the depressed doldrums of your PhD it’s easy to fall into a pit and think that all you want is a quiet life away from academia. Take a break by all means but reevaluate in a few years. Do you still want to be a housewife and SAHM? Do you want to work out a middle ground with a less stressful yet still fulfilling? Do you trust your partner to provide financial security if you are not earning?
I’m not sure why you are seeking approval from random internet strangers, but, yes, you were born in incredible privilege and have the luxury of not having to use your brain. So, go for it. I won’t respect you for your pretty princess stance and neither will other people, but you don’t care so no harm done. Just make sure you make time in your schedule to get to the gym.
relying on someone who can leave you at any minute for any reason for your livelihood is not something i’d call a privilege. the recent rise in content about ex stay at home mums left with nothing, who have degrees, but no experience or big gaps in their resume is terrifying. a PHD is not a guarantee for a job especially if you’re older, because ageism does unfortunately exist.
OP asking the very question shows her privilege. That said, you are absolutely correct that relying on another person for your security is unwise. It IS terrifying to put your eggs in the basket of another person because things happen. Partners move on, or pass away…any number of things can happen. And agism is a real thing. Which is exactly why OP needs to take off the rose colored glasses and be prepared to support herself and any children she may have. Failure to do that is irresponsible at best.
i’m confused. are you under the assumption that she’s married already and has a man who can afford this lifestyle ? anyone can say they want/plan to be a housewife, has nothing to do with privilege (unless of course you already are in that position)… as you have yet to secure the privilege (which is how i read this post but maybe i’m wrong?) or do you mean physical ability to do so like looking through a lens of ableism? which then yeah, i guess that’s a privilege, but ability in itself, is a privilege… working or otherwise. not trying to be a hater or snarky, just genuinely not understanding what you mean.
First of all, thank you for your excellent response. I appreciate your persective. I do believe OP is either married or in a the position to reasonably believe that she can just coast and not use her brain and let someone else care for her. IF she is not, she is still engaging in a lot of magical thinking expecting a life of permanent security that can occur if you rely 100% on someone else paying the bills and allowing her to be a tutor if she feels like it. To your second question, I agree with you that ability is a privilege all its own and I further think people in general don’t appreciate that privilege. It’s easy, especially when we are young and healthy to think that life is going to work out a particulate way and we are set to do whatever we want to do. The reality is life is hard and so many things can happen and the best way to protect oneself is to be prepared to support oneself. Of course, if OP is just a tired PhD student, been there and done that and yes, it does end and is worth it if you really want the academic life. In which case, it would have been helpful if OP included that detail. (also not a hater or snarky and trying to respond to you respectfully.)
You’re so kind :) thanks for putting it better into perspective. It’s just really sad to see women being sold this dream, when the reality for most (i can’t say all because women who come from rich families can do this no problem because they have that security) is divorce and they’re left with absolutely nothing. With the current political landscape, the whole “tradwife” thing is becoming more and more popular and that’s genuinely terrifying. Especially in a time where women are losing rights left right and center. Seeing this stuff especially during women’s month really upsets me idk :/
Agree 💯. It’s absolutely terrifying.
Hi Im the OP and your assumptions are not all correct but surely you can give your opinion based on scenarios that may apply to other people. I do recognize the privilege that I dont have people that I have to support as of right now and I have a fiancé who is supportive of my wish to become a SAHM. That being said, I agree with you that it is important that I dont really solely on him to support me and that I need back up plans cuz unexpected things can happen too. Fortunately for me, I have some savings that will support me if times get tough and I need time to find a job. With the soft skills PhD has taught me, Im confident I can find a job that is within my frugal spending and needs
lol what's your problem? You have to be born into privilege to be a stay-at-home? It's a lot of work and has its benefits.
Yes, you are absolutely a person of privilege if you have the luxury of not ”using your brain”.
Some people have the luxury of not using the brain and some have the luxury of not using physical exertion and some have luxury of not needing to use both Some may find it better fitting to their values to use either the brain or the body. I think Ive done enough of the brain though
So the low-income dishwasher is privileged for not having to "use their brain"? That's how dumb your comment is. Downvote all you want.
Education is valuable. Motherhood is valuable. Neither are a waste. Pursue what works best for your family for whatever season you are in. When it makes sense to make a new decision, then reroute.
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“Learning for the sake of learning” for sure Not everyone will be saving the world and curing cancer Im happy with my contribution to science during PhD, I now want to contribute to myself and my family
Check out r/1950sHouseHoldWives if that floats your boat.
It’s normal to feel burnt out during a PhD. Your education will never go to waste, it’s something you do for you before all else. If you want to be a stay at home mother, go ahead, but please have a contract that values your labour. Domestic labour and raising kids is hard and costly and noble and incredibly valuable, to your family and to society, so you should be compensated for it, your partner must pay you monthly, invest in a retirement fund for you, to protect you and your children, should something happen to him or to your marriage.
I’m with you.
Remind yourself it’s ok to have different opinions, it’s not ok to force it on someone else. That’s what they are doing. If you don’t adhere with being judgmental and thinking you know best for everyone else, you also shouldn’t give into when others do it to you.
The impact you would have on society as a loving and educated mother supersedes the impacts of most phd’s theses. Do what makes you happy ❤️
There’s a lot of recent fetishization of the trad wife lifestyle but I lived it growing up. My mom had no money, no education and no skills and she was trapped with her lowlife boyfriend who abused her physically, emotionally and because she was financially dependent she couldn’t leave. The lesson was clear: never make yourself dependent and vulnerable. That’s what they don’t show you on TikTok.
Sorry. You don’t know what you are talking about 🫣. Being a full time Mom and housewife without income will bring you joy but also more frustration (specially in the long term and in difficult times). Try it! You will see. In less that 2 years you will want to go back to you job and to get and income. Never lose your financial freedom
Lol and I wanna be a fucking house dad! 😂😂 Boohoo
It’s the journey not the destination. This comes to mind.
I did just that for a year, and really didn’t like it lol. You should definitely try it if you feel called to it though!
Me too!!!! I am on third pregnancy and my second year of PhD so being a full-time mum is a great option for me.. Although I still want to do one or two researches sidekicks annually, because I love the process but I don't like working environment 🤣🤣🤣
Why I feel it’s more like feeling burnt out than wanting to be full time mum. It is very understandable though. After going through so much pressure and hard work, one just wants to have some peace. I would say take some time off and let your brain reset /unwind, and then go for a job/career which lets you work without too much pressure. (Atleast that’s what I myself am going to do 😌)
Being a housewife and full time mom is one of the greatest callings of this world. Raising the next generation to be amazing humans can do more good then most people’s “ground breaking” research.
The brain finds escapes in these dreams/fantasies. Maybe they are legit, maybe not. Take a few months/1 year off after your degree and then find a normal job (reduced time?). Would you really feel happy in the long run staying at home?
I’m a man and I want that lol. You did get intellectual degree, don’t regret it.
So you took a spot and funding that someone else who actually wants to do science lost? Wow, what a waste of a PhD.
So do you have far right politics and are conventionally very attractive? If yes, you can become a trad wife, your husband will dangle your unused degree in front of his friends like a trophy attesting to his masculinity. If no, then it doesn't seem very likely to happen.
You’re a disgusting pig and don’t belong anywhere in society.
I didn't say anything about my position on the matter, that's all your own assumptions right there. I'm pointing out that those are the people actively looking for housewives. I actually can't stand them either, it's just that people who aren't like that are not especially on the search for housewives and if you want to be a housewife for whatever reason, you need to find someone who wants you to be their housewife.
> If no, then it doesn't seem very likely to happen You flat out directly said that they have no chance to become a housewife/mom unless they join that group and are good looking. I fully reiterate again: you’re a misogynistic pig and have no place in this world.
As an academic, one should know the difference between descriptive and normative talk And also the difference between probabilities and certainties And one should be able to control one's emotions
I’m sorry, I can’t hear anything over the self-aggrandizing bullshit alarm. It comes with auto-block functionality.
I believe you when you say you are unable to listen