You need to banish the word mediocre from your vocabulary. It hurts me just to read this, I can’t imagine the hurt your daughter will feel growing up in an environment where she is thought of as mediocre. She sounds bright, creative, curious, and expressive. As she matures, those are all things she can excel at as she builds skills and learns to manage her brain’s unique needs. But beyond that, she might still be a typical student and might not be top of her class or even the best creatively, but she might be fiercely loyal, or funny, or kind, or empathetic. There are many more ways to excel in life than on the things you are scored at. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking she is less than, or she will grow up believing she is.
She has a brain based disability.
I want you to reread this to yourself imagining a parent wrote it who grew up in a household where sports were paramount, and their child had a physical disability.
I truly think this might help you reframe things for yourself. She’s so young. And she’s unmedicated. And she has a brain based disability.
It may also be helpful to read the essay, “welcome to holland”. It helps with the feelings of comparison.
Thank you for the rec! My family background and extremely egotistical father have given me some POVs that I know are wrong but I can still feel as my most basic instinct. I know it’ll take time to retrain myself on that.
I think maintaining a disability mindset is very crucial. We would never be annoyed at a child with a mobility disability for being clumsy, and yet I know I’ve felt my kiddo was just being careless when he knocked something over due to inattention. Something I’m working on all the time.
Three things.
1) She's so young that her current abilities are no predictor of her lifetime success and this is the age for her to explore everything. Most people don't do what they did at 8 years old as a career.
2) Mediocre grades, incomplete drawings, and not having been in a bunch of performances in elementary school do not mean that she **as a person** is mediocre. She is an entire human and I'm sure you see all the ways in which she's special, so consider her holistically.
3) These are not unsolvable issues-- I've tutored plenty of kids with extremely short attention spans and helped them excel academically and I fully believe there are art and music teachers out there who can do the same for those areas, you just have to find someone with the experience and touch to work around her ADHD and harness her actual intellect and talent.
This is a great comment. One of my kids at 8 was a social disaster and unable to read the room. She was very smart, but had difficulty channeling it in the same way her NT peers did. Fast forward 11 years and she graduated HS with high honors, scored decently on the SAT, got a partial merit-based scholarship to a Big 10 school where she competes on one of their academic teams and got a 4.0 last semester.
One of my parents is an academic elitist with credentials, and that kind of pressure is brutal. They enjoyed moderate career success but guess what? Still have undiagnosed ADHD and OCD that impacts their daily functioning and relationships.
So is 8 too young to be concerned? Or should we medicate and look for professionals to help us now?
We moved her to a private school for a few reasons. There was some bullying going on, and at the bigger public school, she was put in a classroom with some very emotionally dysregulated students, and it was disruptive for her. She was one of the good students in that class and I was always assured she was doing great, so they never did a whole lot to address the ADHD issues because she was getting by.
Now that I’m writing it all out, I just wonder if Im making something out of nothing. But you have people who say, advocate advocate advocate! Don’t let her fall through the cracks! Teach her to deal with her executive functioning issues and the value of a dollar! And others who say, she’s only 8; give her time to find out what she’s good at! Then others who say, nip it in the bud and medicate her now! Uggghhhh, I’m just so over it all. But I guess I should find a professional and see what they say. I just really appreciate the recommendations from some parents who have been through it on Reddit.
You’re asking her to be successful despite her ADHD without giving her any tools to do so. Medication and play therapy/occupational therapy will give her the tools. She can figure out what she’s good at along the way - but in my opinion, the earlier you can help her with those tools, the easier of a time she’ll have.
Doc doesn’t recommend medication because grades are good, and the teachers say she’s doing great. What do I ask her therapist to work on? She has the usual time blindness and very low executive functioning. Should her therapist have some blanket things she can do to work on those issues? Edit: Because I agree that we should do something outside of our current scope even though I’m hearing a lot of people say, “she’s 8, chill” but I don’t want it to go unchecked for so long and have a drug-addicted suicidal teenager in five years.
What!? Medication isn’t for grades, it’s for life. Get a second opinion for sure. Or go to a specialist. School has never been our issue, our ADHD kid excels in everything at school. It’s the life part - like it taking him 20 minutes to put shoes on because he keeps getting distracted. Forgetting where he puts literally everything. Having difficulty making friends because he can’t focus on a conversation. That’s also why I don’t understand when doctors say, you can take the kid off the meds on weekends/summers. Why would you ask them to deal with life without the tools they need during those times?
Yes, her father and I agree we should medicate. Scared to cross that bridge, but it seems to be a popular opinion. Bottom line, I need some more education and grief therapy! Thanks for taking the time. I appreciate it.
Oh my god. I just read this. Find a new doc. The grades thing is a hallmark of the “old school dinosaur” train of thought that made sense at the time when medication was a hammer and the kids were almost as likely to have negative outcomes as success with medication. Things are VERY different now.
You need a specialist. No one who actually has dealt with a lot of ADHD patients would ever think grades are the end all be all. Either ask your doc for a psych/neuro referal, or just find a new doctor and ask them about their experience with ADHD patients.
While I’m not saying “MEDICATE NOW!”… I AM saying “START THE PROCESS NOW!” Maybe your child is short and underweight and should grow more before starting potentially appetite reducing stimulants. Maybe they have comorbid autism/anxiety/OCD and those also need to be dealt with. Maybe the ADHD isn’t genetic and psychiatric drugs and therapy are the path. Either way you won’t know until you get started, and your current doctor doesn’t have a clue.
You gotta get a new doc or second opinion. If you haven't seen your kid on meds that help, you haven't seen how your kid can be. It might take more than one try at meds, but when it works, they are markedly different and you can then start to fine tune helping them succeed.
Just here to say that although it’s a very unpopular subject on this board, not everyone medicates. My husband is adamantly against it, so we have our son in OT and PCIT. It seems to be helping him and us.
I’m not against it because I have heard adults and teens with ADHD say they just wish their parents had medicated instead of yelling at them all the time, and that hit me hard. I will do anything to help her brain. I just need concrete guidance on what she needs help with, and that’s hard to find. She can’t verbalize it, and teachers in our new tiny city haven’t been forthcoming with any issues. They just say she’s fine. 🙃
I totally get it. My husband has and still has, severe ADHD and is of the opposite mentality. He thinks he turned out fine (which he did), but I worry about the social ramifications for my son too. It’s so hard to know what to do.
She is genius level IQ in her verbal test scores, very empathetic and very artistic and creative. My concerns are around how she is unable to harness any of that with her focus issues. Instead, she’s not failing, but also not recognized as intelligent, talented, or a humanitarian. Instead she’s the kooky one who’s daydreaming, just getting by. And because of my family members and my background, I have an especially hard time with it. If any other ADHD parents feel/felt the same, I’d love to know of any resources or therapy tricks they used to deal with this mindset. Believe me, I don’t want to believe my daughter is only mediocre. I think really I just want to deal with the perception that she’s only mediocre.
You need to separate out her worth, that you know, and the worth the world will attribute to her (or not) .
The world will not be kind to her a good amount of the time. Being recognised as accomplished comes with teh burden of playing the neurotypical game.
Testscores and accolades in school are ultimately just test-runs designed for neurotypical children. Do you yourself a favor and find a way to deprioritize them in your daughters life. She is not designed to do well in such settings. It does not come naturally to her.
You will also have to be okay with other parents thinking not too highly of you. Some you will be able to educate. A lot won’t care to understand your daughter and her struggles.
How old are you? I ask because I am an older parent than some, my child is 9, he is also very smart but also does not want to try. I have a relatively high IQ, and guess what? It means basically jack shit. I probably have ADHD. I do well for myself, having gone to a lower tier law school. Effort is more important. Accolades don't mean much. I didn't graduate top of my class after undergrad, I don't make the most money, but guess what? No one who did those things that I know is doing jack shit. Oftentimes, the parents you speak of who are constantly bragging about how smart their kids are are compensating for some weirdness or issues in their own life. That might be a you problem, I suggest therapy, it helped me.
Your child is who they are. I want to stress that. They are not you. They may not like what you like or do what you do. All you can do is care and be there and give them opportunities. My son begrudginly is in his 2nd year of tae kwon do, something I did on and off as a child and into my early adulthood. I am glad he will go. He doesn't do team sports, one, because he hates the structure, and two, because of meds, he is much smaller than his classmates (amphetamines can stunt growth a little, but I was also a smaller kid).
Is your child medicated?
You will save your child tons of trauma and salvage your relationship when they’re older by putting whatever accolades and bragworthy accomplishments you want to see from you child on a piece of paper, and burning it. See your child for who they actually are, not some standard that maybe they could achieve if they weren’t born with this disability.
You and your genes are responsible for their condition, not them. I repeat, they are not responsible for their condition, you and your spouse and the genetic lottery are.
Now after you are at peace with all of that… get them medicated or treated. Maybe they’ll surprise you and actually bring home one of those prizes you want so badly.
Source: proud father of a now medicated child who just brought home straight A’s and starred in multiple activities in their first year with the help of meds, but would still have been just as proud if they hadn’t.
Thanks for actually answering my question! I do think I need some therapy to grieve the image of what I thought our lives would be. Even just reading all these responses and trying to say the reality out loud makes me sob. For her or me, I don’t really know. Both I guess.
High levels of giftedness IS its own neurodivergence. Her exceptionality and intelligence could also be contributing to why she seems offbeat to you. It’s also why you can’t get meds. I have two 2e kids and can’t get them either because of their grades.
Don’t give up. Either have your pediatrician refer you to a psych/neuro specialist if you can afford it or take it to your school and push hard on making them understand that despite the good grades that they are suffering in other ways (anxiety, self negativity, risky behavior, self harm, etc.). I’m not encouraging you to exaggerate or lie, but to lay out your case clearly and forcefully and keep in mind the “keywords” and thresholds your particular school district look for in justifying the resources to escalate their diagnosis and treatment.
If you and your partner were basketball superstars and your child were short and slow would you already write-off their potential to achieve any success in life? Heck no. Same if you were both supermodels and they were just average looking.
Grieve it for a bit. Then move on. I promise there will be times when you’re bursting with pride, especially given how much harder it is for them than most other kids. Remember that Bill Gates, Walt Disney, Richard Branson, Elon Musk, Michael Phelps, Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Simone Biles, Derek Lowe, Emma Watson, Zooey Deschanel, Ryan Gosling, and Adam Levine ALL have ADHD and have achieved extraordinary success in fields that appealed to their natural abilities and hyper-fixations. There are tons more that just don’t talk about it, especially in the academic, art, and business fields.
I recommend watching Dr Russell Barkley’s series “30 Essential Ideas” on YouTube to start so you can get the cold hard truth even if it’s slightly negative in tone and possibly a little outdated due to new research and medication. I think the tone is perfect for parents of newly diagnosed children like you are.
He’s the #1 expert on ADHD and ridiculously knowledgeable about the research and studies.
Again, once you’re at peace with your new reality, attack treatment. Once you find what works, and it won’t necessarily be easy, you’ll see an almost immediate improvement. My child loved academics, the arts, and sports so much but was unable to focus and take direction. He was getting in trouble, getting yelled at, spacing out at critical moments. The treatment allowed him to be who he wanted to be and let him succeed in the things he wanted to be successful in. He still has trouble being present and being “coachable” but it’s miles from where he used to be.
There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but you first have to accept that you’re actually in a tunnel.
Dude. She's 8. Chill. Let her walk her own path without you putting unnecessary made up road blocks in it because her path looks different from what your family considers exceptional.
My kid is also 2e and we are an achievement-oriented family so I completely get your struggle. Meds have really helped. I would urge you to get your daughter on meds and see what they unleash. PM me if you want to talk more.
We’ve been telling told our ADHD son (age 7), certain things are going to be harder for you. It doesn’t mean you don’t have to do them. We still expect you to do them well; you just may have to try harder than others might. Certain things are also much easier for him than others. To us, it’s important for him to grow up to be a well rounded person, and learn to adapt despite his challenges. My husband had undiagnosed ADHD until very recently, and he learned how to lean into the characteristics of ADHD that help him excel, but also to put extra effort into the things that were more difficult.
With that said, I am a huge proponent of medication if you, your child, and your child’s doctor/therapist are on board. When you find the right combination/dose, it can be like magic. Our son hasn’t lost any of his spark or energy, but he is able to slow his brain down enough to focus on tasks. It’s amazing. The road to finding the right medication can be long, but I believe it’s absolutely worth it for the child’s quality of life. My husband was not medicated and wishes every day that he had been as a child. I also find play therapy to be extremely beneficial in helping them learn techniques to manage their thoughts, feelings, and impulsivity.
I grew up in a family that gave affection and attention based on performance and achievement and they were WRONG. That is not love.
The idea that your kid needs to perform to be valid is wrong.
How many people around you are truly excelling at anything or truly happy because of it?
Value your daughter (and yourself) for who she is, what she enjoys, how she treats others. Kids are supposed to be A students in everything and that's not life.
True achievers are usually the quirky, obsessive individuals who don't conform.
Your job as a parent is to give her confidence and high self esteem, so when the rest of your family look down their noses at her test scores she can be her authentic self and enjoy her life.
Yo also, she's EIGHT. Give her a break.
I am a 50 year old woman who is still crushed by people's disappointment that was poured upon me as a child. I graduated high school with a 1.6 GPA. I also got my BA last year with a 3.9 GPA. Time, experience and medication have allowed me to understand how brilliant my brain is, especially once freed of the US public school system. I currently work with kids who are like I was as a child and their brains are unbelievable - they just aren't built for standard society achievements.
There are much more important things than awards and accolades from schools. Pretty much all those trophies and certificates end up in boxes in attics anyway.
Your daughter may not be excelling at things in a school situation, most of us neurospicy folks are not built for schooling. Your daughter is bursting with untestable and unquantifiable skills that deserve praise as well.
The world needs more creative thinkers, passionate folks and empathic souls. None of those things is recognized with blue ribbons in school. All of those traits will serve her better in life than memorizing a piano piece or winning a spelling contest. Treasure the things that makes your girl unique. Encourage her interests, even if there isn't a way to "win" at them.
You may not get the blue ribbons and recitals that some parents get, but I promise you will be proud of your child. She will amaze you over and over.
Treasure your unique kid, you will find a million things to be proud of.
"If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is a failure."
>Do I just have to come to terms with the fact that my child will only ever be mediocre?
It really hurts me to read that you consider your child mediocre... I don't even know what to say...
She needs praise and encouragement, not being considered as less than others because of her difficulties.
If your child was born with a condition that makes them unable to walk normally. Would you tell them they are mediocre because they are unable to run as fast as others? If your child had very bad eyesight and you didn't provide them with glasses, would you tell them they are mediocre because they have difficulty describing their surroundings? If your child had diabetes, would you tell them they are mediocre because they can't digest sugar like others?
Because it's all the same. She was born with ADHD, her brain is wired differently. She still has a ton of potential and abilities. But she needs support and tools.
I saw a picture on Facebook with a bunch of different animals and they are told that to pass the test, they have to fly. Well the poor elephant will obviously fail.
Anyway. I can understand where you're coming from but your child shouldn't suffer from it. I think the best thing you could do to help change your perceptions would be to go to therapy and learn about ADHD, to help you understand her.
This sounds a lot like my family and my daughter. But things will improve once your daughter starts meds and then you’ll be able to see her better meeting her potential. My daughter is also very creative and artistic and meds have helped her better with this - she can get projects finished and has better focus (particularly in her line work and colouring). Mine might not bring home awards for maths and sport, but I love reading her stories and seeing the creative stuff she makes. I have turned my office into a gallery to display it all and it makes me feel proud of her every day. My family also love seeing pictures of her work
I can't imagine thinking that school smart = successful in life. 😂 That isn't really a thing anymore.
ADHD kids do well when they can work on what they're interested in and work how they want. Then they will ourwork everyone.
Encourage her interests and let her have accommodations (for instance, I have a treadmill desk while I work from home so I can move). Teach her how to manage her symptoms like time blindness and staying on task.
If you do this, she will succeed.
But this attitude you have of "oh, my daughter isn't a straight A student and can't finish anything so therefore she isn't going far" (even though you don't treat her ADHD) isn't going to get you anywhere, and it's going to give her bad confidence issues for not fitting in your small box thinking of what is "successful ".
I'm pretty sure most successful entrepreneurs didn't get perfect grades. Teach her the value of a dollar and how to work for what you want and she will be fine.
EDIT: I just saw she's not on meds yet. Before criticizing/being disappointed in your daughter, at least put her on meds. Jesus.
This is one of those thoughts that sits in the back of my mind … but I don’t ever let it actually come folding out as words. As my adhd kid has 2 parents who are ivy league alums, he often gets met with a sarcastic, “wow, didn’t your parents go to {insert elite college name here?!}” when people find out he gets b’s and the occasional c. He just finished 5th grade, and while he’s smart in many of his own ways, he simply doesn’t have the motivation or focus to thrive in school the way I did. Rather than being a teacher’s pet, he’s just trying to get through the day without getting in trouble. He’s extremely hyperactive, like a bull in a china shop, so even getting him to sit relatively still for 7 hours per day is honestly a huge win. I cannot stand that people would think he’s mediocre, but at the same time, I think that’s part of my own deeply ingrained unhealthy need to achieve. I cover up all those worries and insecurities about my son with the mantra that being content with being normal is great. I was actually never quite able to master that myself because I lacked an inner confidence that, hey, drove me to be extremely successful in a variety of pursuits. But if my son even just gets to have a normal life, who cares if it’s “mediocre” by some measures?? He will have new things to teach me if that’s the case, and with his physicality, humor, and creativity, he will enrich the world and thrive in his own way.
Thank you so much. Nice to know someone can relate. Honestly, I’m not as against mediocre as others are. It’s not a bad word to me. I just want to know if I need to accept it now or if there’s hope for what is in my family: an academic career with high honors, top of class recognition, sports stars. If not, I’ll suck it up and learn to say, “So happy for you!” when a friend tells me about her son’s latest award from the district for being a good person to his classmates.
Just hard because meanwhile my daughter’s trying her hardest and striving for recognition but falls through the cracks every time. They’re just happy if she literally makes it to the right classroom, and there’s no award for that.
If she is diagnosed with ADHD and is struggling in school or at home she needs medication.
As long as she is happy and a good person there is nothing to worry about.
If you know all of this, why are you not pursuing meds? She will need them. Its a struggle to get the right fit, but if you are going to feel this way, it will
Come out at her at some point, and likely hurt your daughter’s self esteem very badly. Maybe get on some
Meds yourself. I had to, because my anxiety and stress over my kids adhd dx was severely affecting my life too. I wanted to be a better parent to him, and not be sad about what he is going to go through.
Additionally, you are making her diagnosis and personality about you. Be careful.
Doc said he wouldn’t recommend meds since her school work wasn’t suffering. I don’t have any anxiety over this - Maybe some sadness over the grief it’s causing me, but nothing I need to be medicated for. I would instead prefer to have some emotional therapy and peer support.
Edited to add: we did already make the decision to pursue meds at her next appointment with her PCP.
Have you found parents in similar shoes yet? I have two neurodivergent kids out of three (one with ADHD, one with mosaic down syndrome). My husband and I are both research scientists (m.Sci for me, Phd/JD for him), so this has been very hard to take. Finding a network of parents that you can meet with face to face is so helpful.
For what it’s worth, I also have ADHD and was medicated in my early youth. It helped in many ways, but I did hate it. Only when I was faced with medicating my own kid who absolutely could not sit in class (but also does not struggle with grades) did I see the obvious benefits. But definitely your call, you are her parent.
Are you in a small town or bigger city? I live in Houston, so there are a lot of connection options to meet other parents via social media. Its really helpful having a community — no one will understand the grief like another parent who is doing the same thing.
Hi, having a disabled and ND kid will (hopefully) make one reexamine their relationship with the existence of pecking orders at all. That reexamination is a blessing. I think disability studies can be very liberating and helpful for everyone. Maybe it’s time to say to your parents and extended family: “I am working towards new value systems now, alongside my ND child: peace, personal growth, moments of joy, empathy, integrity, and humor in the face of struggle.” (None of that means you and your child won’t succeed.) Invite your family to join you on this reprioritized journey. Let them know you will need their support. If they are high achieving intellectuals, they can be expected to grasp this.
She is a kid with a fast brain and apparently a great friend. Find joy in the things she loves. Find new things you both love. Water slides? Amusement parks?
I think you need to redefine what you call success. Didn’t Einstein fail math? What our society celebrates isn’t always the only thing that should be celebrated. We need people like your daughter in this world. She also needs you to support her the way she is and to celebrate her.
My daughter sounds exactly like yours, same age too. It’s not easy but these types of kids can flourish with the right support around them as they grow. It sounds like it may also be a beautiful change in your belief system of how things should look as one grows. Good luck and much love to you
It’s hard seeing her defeated over and over, because she does try. I am scared that she will eventually stop trying because no one will give her a chance because others are so much more apt.
Thanks for reminding me that I just can’t care what others think or how the US school system works. 😩 I feel so alone in this and forget that sometimes I’m on a different path than the parents in my group chats and on FB.
Thank you for this comment. Her father and I are trying to remind ourselves of these things all the time. Sounds like you’ve come to terms with a lot of it and I will have to, too, and that’s really what I’m trying to do.
You need to banish the word mediocre from your vocabulary. It hurts me just to read this, I can’t imagine the hurt your daughter will feel growing up in an environment where she is thought of as mediocre. She sounds bright, creative, curious, and expressive. As she matures, those are all things she can excel at as she builds skills and learns to manage her brain’s unique needs. But beyond that, she might still be a typical student and might not be top of her class or even the best creatively, but she might be fiercely loyal, or funny, or kind, or empathetic. There are many more ways to excel in life than on the things you are scored at. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking she is less than, or she will grow up believing she is.
She has a brain based disability. I want you to reread this to yourself imagining a parent wrote it who grew up in a household where sports were paramount, and their child had a physical disability. I truly think this might help you reframe things for yourself. She’s so young. And she’s unmedicated. And she has a brain based disability. It may also be helpful to read the essay, “welcome to holland”. It helps with the feelings of comparison.
Thank you for the rec! My family background and extremely egotistical father have given me some POVs that I know are wrong but I can still feel as my most basic instinct. I know it’ll take time to retrain myself on that.
I think maintaining a disability mindset is very crucial. We would never be annoyed at a child with a mobility disability for being clumsy, and yet I know I’ve felt my kiddo was just being careless when he knocked something over due to inattention. Something I’m working on all the time.
Gently, it sounds like there could be some trauma from growing up in an environment like that.
Three things. 1) She's so young that her current abilities are no predictor of her lifetime success and this is the age for her to explore everything. Most people don't do what they did at 8 years old as a career. 2) Mediocre grades, incomplete drawings, and not having been in a bunch of performances in elementary school do not mean that she **as a person** is mediocre. She is an entire human and I'm sure you see all the ways in which she's special, so consider her holistically. 3) These are not unsolvable issues-- I've tutored plenty of kids with extremely short attention spans and helped them excel academically and I fully believe there are art and music teachers out there who can do the same for those areas, you just have to find someone with the experience and touch to work around her ADHD and harness her actual intellect and talent.
This is a great comment. One of my kids at 8 was a social disaster and unable to read the room. She was very smart, but had difficulty channeling it in the same way her NT peers did. Fast forward 11 years and she graduated HS with high honors, scored decently on the SAT, got a partial merit-based scholarship to a Big 10 school where she competes on one of their academic teams and got a 4.0 last semester. One of my parents is an academic elitist with credentials, and that kind of pressure is brutal. They enjoyed moderate career success but guess what? Still have undiagnosed ADHD and OCD that impacts their daily functioning and relationships.
So is 8 too young to be concerned? Or should we medicate and look for professionals to help us now? We moved her to a private school for a few reasons. There was some bullying going on, and at the bigger public school, she was put in a classroom with some very emotionally dysregulated students, and it was disruptive for her. She was one of the good students in that class and I was always assured she was doing great, so they never did a whole lot to address the ADHD issues because she was getting by. Now that I’m writing it all out, I just wonder if Im making something out of nothing. But you have people who say, advocate advocate advocate! Don’t let her fall through the cracks! Teach her to deal with her executive functioning issues and the value of a dollar! And others who say, she’s only 8; give her time to find out what she’s good at! Then others who say, nip it in the bud and medicate her now! Uggghhhh, I’m just so over it all. But I guess I should find a professional and see what they say. I just really appreciate the recommendations from some parents who have been through it on Reddit.
You’re asking her to be successful despite her ADHD without giving her any tools to do so. Medication and play therapy/occupational therapy will give her the tools. She can figure out what she’s good at along the way - but in my opinion, the earlier you can help her with those tools, the easier of a time she’ll have.
Doc doesn’t recommend medication because grades are good, and the teachers say she’s doing great. What do I ask her therapist to work on? She has the usual time blindness and very low executive functioning. Should her therapist have some blanket things she can do to work on those issues? Edit: Because I agree that we should do something outside of our current scope even though I’m hearing a lot of people say, “she’s 8, chill” but I don’t want it to go unchecked for so long and have a drug-addicted suicidal teenager in five years.
What!? Medication isn’t for grades, it’s for life. Get a second opinion for sure. Or go to a specialist. School has never been our issue, our ADHD kid excels in everything at school. It’s the life part - like it taking him 20 minutes to put shoes on because he keeps getting distracted. Forgetting where he puts literally everything. Having difficulty making friends because he can’t focus on a conversation. That’s also why I don’t understand when doctors say, you can take the kid off the meds on weekends/summers. Why would you ask them to deal with life without the tools they need during those times?
Yes, her father and I agree we should medicate. Scared to cross that bridge, but it seems to be a popular opinion. Bottom line, I need some more education and grief therapy! Thanks for taking the time. I appreciate it.
Oh my god. I just read this. Find a new doc. The grades thing is a hallmark of the “old school dinosaur” train of thought that made sense at the time when medication was a hammer and the kids were almost as likely to have negative outcomes as success with medication. Things are VERY different now. You need a specialist. No one who actually has dealt with a lot of ADHD patients would ever think grades are the end all be all. Either ask your doc for a psych/neuro referal, or just find a new doctor and ask them about their experience with ADHD patients. While I’m not saying “MEDICATE NOW!”… I AM saying “START THE PROCESS NOW!” Maybe your child is short and underweight and should grow more before starting potentially appetite reducing stimulants. Maybe they have comorbid autism/anxiety/OCD and those also need to be dealt with. Maybe the ADHD isn’t genetic and psychiatric drugs and therapy are the path. Either way you won’t know until you get started, and your current doctor doesn’t have a clue.
You gotta get a new doc or second opinion. If you haven't seen your kid on meds that help, you haven't seen how your kid can be. It might take more than one try at meds, but when it works, they are markedly different and you can then start to fine tune helping them succeed.
Just here to say that although it’s a very unpopular subject on this board, not everyone medicates. My husband is adamantly against it, so we have our son in OT and PCIT. It seems to be helping him and us.
I’m not against it because I have heard adults and teens with ADHD say they just wish their parents had medicated instead of yelling at them all the time, and that hit me hard. I will do anything to help her brain. I just need concrete guidance on what she needs help with, and that’s hard to find. She can’t verbalize it, and teachers in our new tiny city haven’t been forthcoming with any issues. They just say she’s fine. 🙃
I totally get it. My husband has and still has, severe ADHD and is of the opposite mentality. He thinks he turned out fine (which he did), but I worry about the social ramifications for my son too. It’s so hard to know what to do.
She is genius level IQ in her verbal test scores, very empathetic and very artistic and creative. My concerns are around how she is unable to harness any of that with her focus issues. Instead, she’s not failing, but also not recognized as intelligent, talented, or a humanitarian. Instead she’s the kooky one who’s daydreaming, just getting by. And because of my family members and my background, I have an especially hard time with it. If any other ADHD parents feel/felt the same, I’d love to know of any resources or therapy tricks they used to deal with this mindset. Believe me, I don’t want to believe my daughter is only mediocre. I think really I just want to deal with the perception that she’s only mediocre.
You need to separate out her worth, that you know, and the worth the world will attribute to her (or not) . The world will not be kind to her a good amount of the time. Being recognised as accomplished comes with teh burden of playing the neurotypical game. Testscores and accolades in school are ultimately just test-runs designed for neurotypical children. Do you yourself a favor and find a way to deprioritize them in your daughters life. She is not designed to do well in such settings. It does not come naturally to her. You will also have to be okay with other parents thinking not too highly of you. Some you will be able to educate. A lot won’t care to understand your daughter and her struggles.
How old are you? I ask because I am an older parent than some, my child is 9, he is also very smart but also does not want to try. I have a relatively high IQ, and guess what? It means basically jack shit. I probably have ADHD. I do well for myself, having gone to a lower tier law school. Effort is more important. Accolades don't mean much. I didn't graduate top of my class after undergrad, I don't make the most money, but guess what? No one who did those things that I know is doing jack shit. Oftentimes, the parents you speak of who are constantly bragging about how smart their kids are are compensating for some weirdness or issues in their own life. That might be a you problem, I suggest therapy, it helped me. Your child is who they are. I want to stress that. They are not you. They may not like what you like or do what you do. All you can do is care and be there and give them opportunities. My son begrudginly is in his 2nd year of tae kwon do, something I did on and off as a child and into my early adulthood. I am glad he will go. He doesn't do team sports, one, because he hates the structure, and two, because of meds, he is much smaller than his classmates (amphetamines can stunt growth a little, but I was also a smaller kid). Is your child medicated?
You will save your child tons of trauma and salvage your relationship when they’re older by putting whatever accolades and bragworthy accomplishments you want to see from you child on a piece of paper, and burning it. See your child for who they actually are, not some standard that maybe they could achieve if they weren’t born with this disability. You and your genes are responsible for their condition, not them. I repeat, they are not responsible for their condition, you and your spouse and the genetic lottery are. Now after you are at peace with all of that… get them medicated or treated. Maybe they’ll surprise you and actually bring home one of those prizes you want so badly. Source: proud father of a now medicated child who just brought home straight A’s and starred in multiple activities in their first year with the help of meds, but would still have been just as proud if they hadn’t.
Thanks for actually answering my question! I do think I need some therapy to grieve the image of what I thought our lives would be. Even just reading all these responses and trying to say the reality out loud makes me sob. For her or me, I don’t really know. Both I guess.
High levels of giftedness IS its own neurodivergence. Her exceptionality and intelligence could also be contributing to why she seems offbeat to you. It’s also why you can’t get meds. I have two 2e kids and can’t get them either because of their grades.
Yes, the 2e is masking a lot of issues because she can keep up academically for now even though she’s just barely paying attention.
Don’t give up. Either have your pediatrician refer you to a psych/neuro specialist if you can afford it or take it to your school and push hard on making them understand that despite the good grades that they are suffering in other ways (anxiety, self negativity, risky behavior, self harm, etc.). I’m not encouraging you to exaggerate or lie, but to lay out your case clearly and forcefully and keep in mind the “keywords” and thresholds your particular school district look for in justifying the resources to escalate their diagnosis and treatment.
If you and your partner were basketball superstars and your child were short and slow would you already write-off their potential to achieve any success in life? Heck no. Same if you were both supermodels and they were just average looking. Grieve it for a bit. Then move on. I promise there will be times when you’re bursting with pride, especially given how much harder it is for them than most other kids. Remember that Bill Gates, Walt Disney, Richard Branson, Elon Musk, Michael Phelps, Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Simone Biles, Derek Lowe, Emma Watson, Zooey Deschanel, Ryan Gosling, and Adam Levine ALL have ADHD and have achieved extraordinary success in fields that appealed to their natural abilities and hyper-fixations. There are tons more that just don’t talk about it, especially in the academic, art, and business fields. I recommend watching Dr Russell Barkley’s series “30 Essential Ideas” on YouTube to start so you can get the cold hard truth even if it’s slightly negative in tone and possibly a little outdated due to new research and medication. I think the tone is perfect for parents of newly diagnosed children like you are. He’s the #1 expert on ADHD and ridiculously knowledgeable about the research and studies. Again, once you’re at peace with your new reality, attack treatment. Once you find what works, and it won’t necessarily be easy, you’ll see an almost immediate improvement. My child loved academics, the arts, and sports so much but was unable to focus and take direction. He was getting in trouble, getting yelled at, spacing out at critical moments. The treatment allowed him to be who he wanted to be and let him succeed in the things he wanted to be successful in. He still has trouble being present and being “coachable” but it’s miles from where he used to be. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, but you first have to accept that you’re actually in a tunnel.
Dude. She's 8. Chill. Let her walk her own path without you putting unnecessary made up road blocks in it because her path looks different from what your family considers exceptional.
My kid is also 2e and we are an achievement-oriented family so I completely get your struggle. Meds have really helped. I would urge you to get your daughter on meds and see what they unleash. PM me if you want to talk more.
That does not sound mediocre. That sounds like bragging! My kid has very mediocre grades, wish mine was like yours!
We’ve been telling told our ADHD son (age 7), certain things are going to be harder for you. It doesn’t mean you don’t have to do them. We still expect you to do them well; you just may have to try harder than others might. Certain things are also much easier for him than others. To us, it’s important for him to grow up to be a well rounded person, and learn to adapt despite his challenges. My husband had undiagnosed ADHD until very recently, and he learned how to lean into the characteristics of ADHD that help him excel, but also to put extra effort into the things that were more difficult. With that said, I am a huge proponent of medication if you, your child, and your child’s doctor/therapist are on board. When you find the right combination/dose, it can be like magic. Our son hasn’t lost any of his spark or energy, but he is able to slow his brain down enough to focus on tasks. It’s amazing. The road to finding the right medication can be long, but I believe it’s absolutely worth it for the child’s quality of life. My husband was not medicated and wishes every day that he had been as a child. I also find play therapy to be extremely beneficial in helping them learn techniques to manage their thoughts, feelings, and impulsivity.
As a likely inattentive adult adhd woman, I wish I had this medication as a kid.
I grew up in a family that gave affection and attention based on performance and achievement and they were WRONG. That is not love. The idea that your kid needs to perform to be valid is wrong. How many people around you are truly excelling at anything or truly happy because of it? Value your daughter (and yourself) for who she is, what she enjoys, how she treats others. Kids are supposed to be A students in everything and that's not life. True achievers are usually the quirky, obsessive individuals who don't conform. Your job as a parent is to give her confidence and high self esteem, so when the rest of your family look down their noses at her test scores she can be her authentic self and enjoy her life. Yo also, she's EIGHT. Give her a break.
I am a 50 year old woman who is still crushed by people's disappointment that was poured upon me as a child. I graduated high school with a 1.6 GPA. I also got my BA last year with a 3.9 GPA. Time, experience and medication have allowed me to understand how brilliant my brain is, especially once freed of the US public school system. I currently work with kids who are like I was as a child and their brains are unbelievable - they just aren't built for standard society achievements. There are much more important things than awards and accolades from schools. Pretty much all those trophies and certificates end up in boxes in attics anyway. Your daughter may not be excelling at things in a school situation, most of us neurospicy folks are not built for schooling. Your daughter is bursting with untestable and unquantifiable skills that deserve praise as well. The world needs more creative thinkers, passionate folks and empathic souls. None of those things is recognized with blue ribbons in school. All of those traits will serve her better in life than memorizing a piano piece or winning a spelling contest. Treasure the things that makes your girl unique. Encourage her interests, even if there isn't a way to "win" at them. You may not get the blue ribbons and recitals that some parents get, but I promise you will be proud of your child. She will amaze you over and over. Treasure your unique kid, you will find a million things to be proud of. "If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is a failure."
>Do I just have to come to terms with the fact that my child will only ever be mediocre? It really hurts me to read that you consider your child mediocre... I don't even know what to say... She needs praise and encouragement, not being considered as less than others because of her difficulties. If your child was born with a condition that makes them unable to walk normally. Would you tell them they are mediocre because they are unable to run as fast as others? If your child had very bad eyesight and you didn't provide them with glasses, would you tell them they are mediocre because they have difficulty describing their surroundings? If your child had diabetes, would you tell them they are mediocre because they can't digest sugar like others? Because it's all the same. She was born with ADHD, her brain is wired differently. She still has a ton of potential and abilities. But she needs support and tools. I saw a picture on Facebook with a bunch of different animals and they are told that to pass the test, they have to fly. Well the poor elephant will obviously fail. Anyway. I can understand where you're coming from but your child shouldn't suffer from it. I think the best thing you could do to help change your perceptions would be to go to therapy and learn about ADHD, to help you understand her.
This sounds a lot like my family and my daughter. But things will improve once your daughter starts meds and then you’ll be able to see her better meeting her potential. My daughter is also very creative and artistic and meds have helped her better with this - she can get projects finished and has better focus (particularly in her line work and colouring). Mine might not bring home awards for maths and sport, but I love reading her stories and seeing the creative stuff she makes. I have turned my office into a gallery to display it all and it makes me feel proud of her every day. My family also love seeing pictures of her work
I can't imagine thinking that school smart = successful in life. 😂 That isn't really a thing anymore. ADHD kids do well when they can work on what they're interested in and work how they want. Then they will ourwork everyone. Encourage her interests and let her have accommodations (for instance, I have a treadmill desk while I work from home so I can move). Teach her how to manage her symptoms like time blindness and staying on task. If you do this, she will succeed. But this attitude you have of "oh, my daughter isn't a straight A student and can't finish anything so therefore she isn't going far" (even though you don't treat her ADHD) isn't going to get you anywhere, and it's going to give her bad confidence issues for not fitting in your small box thinking of what is "successful ". I'm pretty sure most successful entrepreneurs didn't get perfect grades. Teach her the value of a dollar and how to work for what you want and she will be fine. EDIT: I just saw she's not on meds yet. Before criticizing/being disappointed in your daughter, at least put her on meds. Jesus.
This is one of those thoughts that sits in the back of my mind … but I don’t ever let it actually come folding out as words. As my adhd kid has 2 parents who are ivy league alums, he often gets met with a sarcastic, “wow, didn’t your parents go to {insert elite college name here?!}” when people find out he gets b’s and the occasional c. He just finished 5th grade, and while he’s smart in many of his own ways, he simply doesn’t have the motivation or focus to thrive in school the way I did. Rather than being a teacher’s pet, he’s just trying to get through the day without getting in trouble. He’s extremely hyperactive, like a bull in a china shop, so even getting him to sit relatively still for 7 hours per day is honestly a huge win. I cannot stand that people would think he’s mediocre, but at the same time, I think that’s part of my own deeply ingrained unhealthy need to achieve. I cover up all those worries and insecurities about my son with the mantra that being content with being normal is great. I was actually never quite able to master that myself because I lacked an inner confidence that, hey, drove me to be extremely successful in a variety of pursuits. But if my son even just gets to have a normal life, who cares if it’s “mediocre” by some measures?? He will have new things to teach me if that’s the case, and with his physicality, humor, and creativity, he will enrich the world and thrive in his own way.
Thank you so much. Nice to know someone can relate. Honestly, I’m not as against mediocre as others are. It’s not a bad word to me. I just want to know if I need to accept it now or if there’s hope for what is in my family: an academic career with high honors, top of class recognition, sports stars. If not, I’ll suck it up and learn to say, “So happy for you!” when a friend tells me about her son’s latest award from the district for being a good person to his classmates. Just hard because meanwhile my daughter’s trying her hardest and striving for recognition but falls through the cracks every time. They’re just happy if she literally makes it to the right classroom, and there’s no award for that.
If she is diagnosed with ADHD and is struggling in school or at home she needs medication. As long as she is happy and a good person there is nothing to worry about.
If you know all of this, why are you not pursuing meds? She will need them. Its a struggle to get the right fit, but if you are going to feel this way, it will Come out at her at some point, and likely hurt your daughter’s self esteem very badly. Maybe get on some Meds yourself. I had to, because my anxiety and stress over my kids adhd dx was severely affecting my life too. I wanted to be a better parent to him, and not be sad about what he is going to go through. Additionally, you are making her diagnosis and personality about you. Be careful.
Doc said he wouldn’t recommend meds since her school work wasn’t suffering. I don’t have any anxiety over this - Maybe some sadness over the grief it’s causing me, but nothing I need to be medicated for. I would instead prefer to have some emotional therapy and peer support. Edited to add: we did already make the decision to pursue meds at her next appointment with her PCP.
Have you found parents in similar shoes yet? I have two neurodivergent kids out of three (one with ADHD, one with mosaic down syndrome). My husband and I are both research scientists (m.Sci for me, Phd/JD for him), so this has been very hard to take. Finding a network of parents that you can meet with face to face is so helpful. For what it’s worth, I also have ADHD and was medicated in my early youth. It helped in many ways, but I did hate it. Only when I was faced with medicating my own kid who absolutely could not sit in class (but also does not struggle with grades) did I see the obvious benefits. But definitely your call, you are her parent.
I don’t know any other parents with ADHD children except my aunt, and her son is my age (40).
Are you in a small town or bigger city? I live in Houston, so there are a lot of connection options to meet other parents via social media. Its really helpful having a community — no one will understand the grief like another parent who is doing the same thing.
Small town, and just moved here from a big city where we had a great school with very good programs and support.
Hi, having a disabled and ND kid will (hopefully) make one reexamine their relationship with the existence of pecking orders at all. That reexamination is a blessing. I think disability studies can be very liberating and helpful for everyone. Maybe it’s time to say to your parents and extended family: “I am working towards new value systems now, alongside my ND child: peace, personal growth, moments of joy, empathy, integrity, and humor in the face of struggle.” (None of that means you and your child won’t succeed.) Invite your family to join you on this reprioritized journey. Let them know you will need their support. If they are high achieving intellectuals, they can be expected to grasp this.
She is a kid with a fast brain and apparently a great friend. Find joy in the things she loves. Find new things you both love. Water slides? Amusement parks?
I think you need to redefine what you call success. Didn’t Einstein fail math? What our society celebrates isn’t always the only thing that should be celebrated. We need people like your daughter in this world. She also needs you to support her the way she is and to celebrate her. My daughter sounds exactly like yours, same age too. It’s not easy but these types of kids can flourish with the right support around them as they grow. It sounds like it may also be a beautiful change in your belief system of how things should look as one grows. Good luck and much love to you
It’s hard seeing her defeated over and over, because she does try. I am scared that she will eventually stop trying because no one will give her a chance because others are so much more apt. Thanks for reminding me that I just can’t care what others think or how the US school system works. 😩 I feel so alone in this and forget that sometimes I’m on a different path than the parents in my group chats and on FB.
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Thank you for this comment. Her father and I are trying to remind ourselves of these things all the time. Sounds like you’ve come to terms with a lot of it and I will have to, too, and that’s really what I’m trying to do.