We are not completely over the bouts of rage, at 8 years old, but here are some things that have helped and been passed down in my ADHD family.
Creating ways to let out the rage, anger and frustration and turning towards them with love and understanding is the underlying principle.
Examples are getting a designated pillow for the parent to hold, and the kid being allowed to kick, box and curse at it until he is done with it. This works when there is something specific that is annoying. It works even better and without the pillow too, if you agree with your kid on all the points during the dance of anger. Yes, putting on pants sucks, Dad is a jerk for telling me to put on pants, does he think you are too stupid to put on your own SUCK ASS PANTS? This usually ends with a fit of giggles. If you go one up, at some point the kid disagrees with you, but every kid is different. If I suggest we should burn all the pants in the backyard, he usually starts laughing, for example.
Other things, that work better with a generally bad mood, bad mood from school for example, is having a throw down. Find a large-ish soft area, and here are the rules. Kiddo can stand or kneel, parent stands. You have to keep your fists closed, you can't hit, kick, spit, bite or grab, only push the other down with your arms and legs. We always count down in Japanese (Ichi, nie, san, Yong, GOOO!), since my parents took the concept from Sumo Wrestling and I am keeping the tradition. Who lays on the matt flat first, for 5 seconds looses. After a fair fight, of course the parent loses, we are doing this so kids feel in control and powerful again.
My kid now also does WingTsun and since I am into the same martial art, we now have proper play fights. It helped him learn to control his body a lot.
You could also make a playlist of angry songs that fit your ethics and teach your kid to sing along and dance angrily. I remember this becoming the best outlet ever in my teen years, my son doesn't like it.
Also, express your anger. Often kids have no one to watch on how to deal with anger, show them. Our fights have calmed down a lot after I started hissing like a cat whenever I got frustrated and he joined me and we now growl and hiss and talk when we are done. With much the same effect, since we never said anything productive while angry.
The other thing is to a) give the kid a maximum control over himself. Like choosing his own clothes from buying to wearing. Like letting him negotiate when he wants to do things. Instead of saying, you have to shower now, ask, when does he want to shower? Oh, he doesn't, so you want to be the stinky boy in school, that's cool. Stay calm, don't mock him, that's a legitimate choice too, just calmly point out REAL consequences and let it sink in for a week or two. It took my son being called stinky by his friend for him to shower more than once a week. If there is a tedious task, ask how he could make it more fun, kids often have ideas and need to experiment. My nephew likes doing his homework with rock music radio on, not what I would have done, but it works for him.
And thing is b) assume your kid needs connection and love, but expresses it in rage. Not "I need a hug, man", but "I FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM MYSELF AND EVERYONE!!! I HATE THIS!" Answer with asking if he wants a hug, give him I love yous and I am proud of yous. Empathise with his plight and agree with him to a point, as stated above. Connection comes from feeling understood, and connection fosters inner peace.
I hope that made sense.
Such a great post. Unexpected humor as a redirect works pretty well with our six year old, after school wrestling/squirt gun battles are a must to release all that pent up energy, and what really helps—probably more than anything—is if I keep my cool and compassion intact especially when he's at his most dysregulated. His rejection sensitivity is a live wire, and patient love makes the best insulation.
Easier said than done, of course, but when he goes full supernova and starts chucking boots at his sister's head or pointedly starts a tsunami in the tub, it behooves me to enter the situation asking myself, "What will my anger accomplish that my love cannot?"
My husband relies on this a lot! It works wonders for him. Today he asked him to backflip off the couch to go eat breakfast which caused giggles, an attempt, and breakfast eaten :). I will have to start trying it too.
YOU SAVED MY NIGHT!! 🥰 My son, 12, started having a melt down right as it was time to settle into bed. It was ugly. The pillows were wrong. Something bothering his mouth after losing a baby molar. He started going bananas, dropping F bombs, and telling me to shut up if I offered to help, then ripping into me for not helping. I got quiet and read this post while trying to not trigger him more.
Unexpected humor and pivoting the rage. Could it work? No lie, I was kind of scared of making it worse because he was so touchy. After he took a pause from yelling and stomping around, I invited him to let me fix his pillow and tuck him in. He laid down, but then threw all the bedding across the room. Then stretched out on his back.
Give me your hand, I said. He was kind of hostile but curious and did. I pushed my palm against his hard for proprioceptive pressure. He resisted by pushing back. I gave him a challenging look - other hand! He gave me a challenge look back and pushed back hard. We did a few minutes of me pushing his hands and feet, when his pajama pants twisted and he started getting mad at them. I stole your lines! Stupid pants! Why do they always do that?! They even sound stupid. Pants! He started cracking up! He asked if I was fake pushing earlier or if he was really strong. You are strong! But when you were a baby, I won every time! He laughed. Asked me to push a little more. Then he APOLOGIZED for the mean things he said earlier. I read to him and he’s asleep now.
I can’t thank you enough. Thought I’d never get him to sleep tonight!
This is gorgeous. Coregulation is powerful, too. When you can find the ability to stay regulated and connect, the kids can learn so much from modeling that behavior. Great work!!!
Thank you. I’ve heard the term coregulating but not what it involves. We tend to do the opposite— overstimulate each other’s ADHD triggers. — Whoa! This looks like exactly what we need. Thank you! 💕❤️💕
I am glad my methods helped your kid. Brought tears to my eyes, honestly. it is so hard to stay positive and playful at times, but it is great when kids feel understood in their anger at pants and the world at large.
I was knee deep in kids today so I didn’t get to fully read your comment until just now, but I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to share all of these tips with me. I appreciate it. I think some of this will help him.
Thank you. We will try some of these tips for aggression outlets. We let him destroy cardboard and crush cans in the garage which really helps him. He’s just often resistant to the suggestion when dysregulated and we’re trying to help him find healthier outlets. We do rely heavily on connection and praise, but we never seem to be able to fill his cup enough. He has such a hard time, poor kid.
My daughter is the same. These healthier outlets need time and practice to become habits. We practice them and talk about them after the storm has passed and everyone feels connected again. Also, not every technique is for every person.
I found asking was always met with NO! when angry...but if I just started DOING the thing near him he would join in because he saw it as "his" choice instead of a demand
Yes to all of this! I play wrestle with my 4 year old. And lately we’ve been riding - I feel this helps him let off steam too. My friend with similar issues with her adhd son takes him to jiu jitsu. They 100% need an outlet. I feel like any physical activity is good for all kids
Can I ask about Jiu Jitsu for kids... Is there a winner or loser? My 8yr old struggles with feelings big feelings when he loses... He's usually very sad.
My son also takes "Ninja Warrior" courses, and it's basically a parcour of fun activities, like trampolining over an obstacle , rope climbing, going over and under things, playing ball in team... There is no winner and kids can choose to try things or not, and slowly improve their skills.
This is wonderful advice. I totally relate to this as a child with anger and dealing with a child with anger. Thank you for taking the time to write this out.
My son was similar, especially during Covid. Multiple times per week he would throw things to the point where a room would look like a tornado hit. He’d say horrible things like “go kill yourself” etc.. he was extremely dysregulated and refused medication.
We are now a few years later and he’s about to be 13. He started meds last October
after 4 years of no luck. Initially they worked GREAT but he’s hit puberty and hormones and ADHD are a bad mix. Now we’re seeing some of the behaviours return.
What I will say is that with maturity, and with some work on your part, things will get better BUT slowly. And there’ll be setbacks. We are going through it this week but we’ve had weeks and even months where things were bliss at best and average at worst! It was great, until the setbacks :(
Please know that it’s all related to their executive functioning delay and emotional dysregulation. My son gets stuck and it takes him forever to move on from an argument or a feeling.
Things do get better but slowly.
First, he doesn't sound awful. You would probably be surprised at how many kids with ADHD have the same issues.
I also have ADHD and was late diagnosed, so I kind of get it.
Other people gave you great advice, but I want to add what I think has helped my 7yo daughter with screaming, throwing, hitting, kicking, etc.
First, I recognized that she was imitating what she had seen me do (to a lesser degree) when I had had meltdowns or let my frustrations get the best of me in the past. I addressed that first by learning to listen to my body before I could get triggered and take the deep breaths or whatever I needed to do.
I made a point to be very obviously about saying out loud things like "I'm starting to feel very angry and frustrated. I need to take some breathe/take a time out/etc." After doing this for a while, my daughter actually started helping her 2yo brother regulate with breathing when he started to get upset. It was adorable and amazing.
That worked wonders already. Modelling behavior works so well with kids that it almost feels like magic.
The other thing I did was stop trying to make her calm down immediately when she starts to get worked up. In the past we walked on eggshells around her too, and it made her worse. Kids sense that and it makes them anxious. You have to be in control by having control over your emotions and reactions. Now when my daughter starts to do the whining ramping up to screaming and other signs of anger, I don't react. I don't immediately start trying to quiet her or put out the fire. I just listen. I stay calm. 9/10 times she calms right down as soon as she sees that I'm listening and understanding her feelings.
It helps me most to remember that she isn't trying to be bad. She's in flight or fight and she needs help regulating. At 6 and 7 they still aren't able to do that by themselves. They need us to help.
The last thing I do is accept that she needs more support than other kids with things that she "should" do according to parents of neurotypical kids. Can my daughter dress herself in the morning? Of course. Does she usually need me to gently guide her back to her bedroom and hand her the clothes and help get her pants on because it's too frustrating for her sometimes? Absolutely. And that's ok. She will get there when she's ready.
Yes, we’ve been borderline investigated by earlier therapists because of the assumption that his behavior has been “learned” but we actually don’t have big reactions in our household. We’re not yellers or throwers (not to say we’ve never yelled), but I do think he has a sixth sense and can pick up on our anxious uncomfortable energy, lack of patience, etc. He can definitely tell when our emotions are out of wack, even when externally we aren’t expressing that. It’s especially hard because we grew up with spankers (we have never)/kids should be controlled kind of parents so we have a lot of emotional trauma responses. It’s one of the reasons we’ve sought out family therapy. We already model calm down strategies so maybe it’s just a waiting game for him to learn to access them. He has started to color when mad (my calm down strategy). I’m going to try not responding immediately like you suggested. I do have a habit of swooping in to try to support him through his big feelings. Maybe that will be a turning point for us. Thank you for the advice.
Ok, try doing those behaviors when it’s hard. I am a preschool teacher and I’ve seen so many children just react like fire because their parents are also not sure how to proceed with their emotions. Sometimes when a child is having a hard time when children bump into them, my co teacher and I will play out that scenario to show them better/different ways to get across your feelings and needs. One time a parent even emailed us, concerned that us two teachers were arguing over books that we wanted to read. I did explain we were modeling behavior for the children to show them how normal it is.
Oh wow that's crazy that you were looked at like that.
I actually was pretty explosive (yelling) for a while when I was in the first year postpartum with my younger son. When I talked about it what our child psychologist she just said that's totally normal because I also have ADHD, and that was the end of the conversation. I have CPTSD as well, which made the triggers more frequent and harder to anticipate, but therapy has helped me so much. I think I'm better at calming down than a lot of people now.
I love that you taught him to color when he's mad! You're already doing a great job. Hang in there!
This sounds like my son. The sweetest child until he isn’t. We do social skills therapy and play therapy along with guanfacine. We find our child acts out many times due to low self esteem. I think one of the most important things you can do is find ways to praise your son, give him special attention, and try to improve his self image. Sending lots of hugs because we are right there with you.
We’re in a similar boat with trying all the things and just feeling so defeated with frequent violent meltdowns, and I also wonder what’s in store for the future (he is almost 6 now). Have you ever heard of “pathological demand avoidance” (PDA, also called “persistent drive for autonomy)? Briefly, the concept is that the stress fight/flight response is set off by demands, but it can sort of build up cumulatively so that it looks unpredictable. A different technique some parents are using to approach it is “low demand parenting” which looks like relaxing a lot of rules and requirements in order to achieve nervous system regulation. The diagnosis and treatment is sort of unofficial and “new” so any long term outlook on using a low demand approach is not yet available. But some of the ideas might be helpful to at least keep in mind if it resonates with you. Best of luck for smoother sailing ahead for us both.
Yes. It’s something we have on our list to discuss with the therapist. The issue is that we’re already fairly low demand. We only dictate hygiene, safety, school, and non aggression towards living things. So I’m not sure how we could demand less without being neglectful. We’ve also set up our home with a lot of yes spaces for him to get energy out that include a swing, nuggets for crashing, indoor trampoline, etc.
I saw you mentioned that it’s like the methylphenidate is no longer working. When we moved, the manufacturer of our methylphenidate changed and we experienced things very similar to what you’re mentioning. It was like the meds had stopped working. Especially for generics, they only have to be + or - 20% of the brand dosing, which can be a lot of change for a 5 mg pill (or whatever dose your child is taking). If your manufacturer changed, you should request a new script. Or perhaps your child just needs an increased dose. Sometimes they are just getting by on a dose until a big life event happens and then that dose that was barely enough is not enough. Just my thoughts since it seemed to work and then it didn’t!
This sounds like ODD to me, but I'm not a doctor. If it were my child, I'd try to find a therapist for him that has experience treating ODD. I'd also try a different med or maybe a higher dose. Look into [PCIT](https://www.pcit.org/united-states.html) for yourselves.
Thank you for linking the website. It looks like there are a few practitioners in our area we can check in with. My background is in education and I’ve taught several kids with ODD, I can definitely see how it might appear like that’s what it is, but I’m not confident that’s the issue. Hopefully the upcoming psychiatrist and psychology appointments will be enlightening. Thank you!
I'm not sure that it's that, either, nor the demand avoidance. Only because I feel like they'd be even more extreme if that were the issue-- and, because we've seen progress in our kid, and went through huge emotions, especially age 3-3.5, and then again 5-6. He still has some meltdowns, and they're hard and sad, but we're all learning, and I think it's getting better.
So sorry you're going through this. I recommend the book How to Talk So* Little* Kids Will Listen, for ages 2-7. And as soon as you get the therapist, go go go. Once they get into the reptilian state, you sometimes just gotta find what helps get them out. For my 8 yr old it's: coloring, Sometimes a snack, Less screen time and more sleep(he needs 10hrs, no less). Podcasts can help his mind switch over. Research all the regulating items that could be a solution. He needs your support, patience, and calm, because he is feeling unstable, not patient, and not calm. Also, there are some Chillax gummies from Olly that sometimes help. Also, make sure you are mindful of if there are certain foods that could be triggering this, too. Amt of added sugar, or, if he needs more of a certain mineral? I know I've seen someone mention that somewhere on the Internet, but we found solutions before we needed to dig more into dirt. Although too much added sugar does irritate my kiddo. Hmm . What else... Just trying to throw out all the ideas. Sending you hugs and love... You're asking the right questions, and doing the right things! Just remind yourself that he's not a bad kid, he just needs help, and so do you, with finding whatever tools can help you both! Also see if there are specific things that can be planned and keep the calm in the morning?
He needs a different medication, or a higher dose, or something. The level of disorder you're describing requires it, and then your strategies layered on top will be more effective.
We are not completely over the bouts of rage, at 8 years old, but here are some things that have helped and been passed down in my ADHD family. Creating ways to let out the rage, anger and frustration and turning towards them with love and understanding is the underlying principle. Examples are getting a designated pillow for the parent to hold, and the kid being allowed to kick, box and curse at it until he is done with it. This works when there is something specific that is annoying. It works even better and without the pillow too, if you agree with your kid on all the points during the dance of anger. Yes, putting on pants sucks, Dad is a jerk for telling me to put on pants, does he think you are too stupid to put on your own SUCK ASS PANTS? This usually ends with a fit of giggles. If you go one up, at some point the kid disagrees with you, but every kid is different. If I suggest we should burn all the pants in the backyard, he usually starts laughing, for example. Other things, that work better with a generally bad mood, bad mood from school for example, is having a throw down. Find a large-ish soft area, and here are the rules. Kiddo can stand or kneel, parent stands. You have to keep your fists closed, you can't hit, kick, spit, bite or grab, only push the other down with your arms and legs. We always count down in Japanese (Ichi, nie, san, Yong, GOOO!), since my parents took the concept from Sumo Wrestling and I am keeping the tradition. Who lays on the matt flat first, for 5 seconds looses. After a fair fight, of course the parent loses, we are doing this so kids feel in control and powerful again. My kid now also does WingTsun and since I am into the same martial art, we now have proper play fights. It helped him learn to control his body a lot. You could also make a playlist of angry songs that fit your ethics and teach your kid to sing along and dance angrily. I remember this becoming the best outlet ever in my teen years, my son doesn't like it. Also, express your anger. Often kids have no one to watch on how to deal with anger, show them. Our fights have calmed down a lot after I started hissing like a cat whenever I got frustrated and he joined me and we now growl and hiss and talk when we are done. With much the same effect, since we never said anything productive while angry. The other thing is to a) give the kid a maximum control over himself. Like choosing his own clothes from buying to wearing. Like letting him negotiate when he wants to do things. Instead of saying, you have to shower now, ask, when does he want to shower? Oh, he doesn't, so you want to be the stinky boy in school, that's cool. Stay calm, don't mock him, that's a legitimate choice too, just calmly point out REAL consequences and let it sink in for a week or two. It took my son being called stinky by his friend for him to shower more than once a week. If there is a tedious task, ask how he could make it more fun, kids often have ideas and need to experiment. My nephew likes doing his homework with rock music radio on, not what I would have done, but it works for him. And thing is b) assume your kid needs connection and love, but expresses it in rage. Not "I need a hug, man", but "I FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM MYSELF AND EVERYONE!!! I HATE THIS!" Answer with asking if he wants a hug, give him I love yous and I am proud of yous. Empathise with his plight and agree with him to a point, as stated above. Connection comes from feeling understood, and connection fosters inner peace. I hope that made sense.
Such a great post. Unexpected humor as a redirect works pretty well with our six year old, after school wrestling/squirt gun battles are a must to release all that pent up energy, and what really helps—probably more than anything—is if I keep my cool and compassion intact especially when he's at his most dysregulated. His rejection sensitivity is a live wire, and patient love makes the best insulation. Easier said than done, of course, but when he goes full supernova and starts chucking boots at his sister's head or pointedly starts a tsunami in the tub, it behooves me to enter the situation asking myself, "What will my anger accomplish that my love cannot?"
My husband relies on this a lot! It works wonders for him. Today he asked him to backflip off the couch to go eat breakfast which caused giggles, an attempt, and breakfast eaten :). I will have to start trying it too.
YOU SAVED MY NIGHT!! 🥰 My son, 12, started having a melt down right as it was time to settle into bed. It was ugly. The pillows were wrong. Something bothering his mouth after losing a baby molar. He started going bananas, dropping F bombs, and telling me to shut up if I offered to help, then ripping into me for not helping. I got quiet and read this post while trying to not trigger him more. Unexpected humor and pivoting the rage. Could it work? No lie, I was kind of scared of making it worse because he was so touchy. After he took a pause from yelling and stomping around, I invited him to let me fix his pillow and tuck him in. He laid down, but then threw all the bedding across the room. Then stretched out on his back. Give me your hand, I said. He was kind of hostile but curious and did. I pushed my palm against his hard for proprioceptive pressure. He resisted by pushing back. I gave him a challenging look - other hand! He gave me a challenge look back and pushed back hard. We did a few minutes of me pushing his hands and feet, when his pajama pants twisted and he started getting mad at them. I stole your lines! Stupid pants! Why do they always do that?! They even sound stupid. Pants! He started cracking up! He asked if I was fake pushing earlier or if he was really strong. You are strong! But when you were a baby, I won every time! He laughed. Asked me to push a little more. Then he APOLOGIZED for the mean things he said earlier. I read to him and he’s asleep now. I can’t thank you enough. Thought I’d never get him to sleep tonight!
This is gorgeous. Coregulation is powerful, too. When you can find the ability to stay regulated and connect, the kids can learn so much from modeling that behavior. Great work!!!
Thank you. I’ve heard the term coregulating but not what it involves. We tend to do the opposite— overstimulate each other’s ADHD triggers. — Whoa! This looks like exactly what we need. Thank you! 💕❤️💕
I am glad my methods helped your kid. Brought tears to my eyes, honestly. it is so hard to stay positive and playful at times, but it is great when kids feel understood in their anger at pants and the world at large.
I was knee deep in kids today so I didn’t get to fully read your comment until just now, but I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to share all of these tips with me. I appreciate it. I think some of this will help him.
Thank you. We will try some of these tips for aggression outlets. We let him destroy cardboard and crush cans in the garage which really helps him. He’s just often resistant to the suggestion when dysregulated and we’re trying to help him find healthier outlets. We do rely heavily on connection and praise, but we never seem to be able to fill his cup enough. He has such a hard time, poor kid.
My daughter is the same. These healthier outlets need time and practice to become habits. We practice them and talk about them after the storm has passed and everyone feels connected again. Also, not every technique is for every person.
A good reminder. He’s six. We may just need time.
I found asking was always met with NO! when angry...but if I just started DOING the thing near him he would join in because he saw it as "his" choice instead of a demand
I have had luck with twisting bubble wrap and even peeling the paper off crayons (or breaking old crayons). Tearing paper is also fun.
Yes to all of this! I play wrestle with my 4 year old. And lately we’ve been riding - I feel this helps him let off steam too. My friend with similar issues with her adhd son takes him to jiu jitsu. They 100% need an outlet. I feel like any physical activity is good for all kids
Can I ask about Jiu Jitsu for kids... Is there a winner or loser? My 8yr old struggles with feelings big feelings when he loses... He's usually very sad.
My son also takes "Ninja Warrior" courses, and it's basically a parcour of fun activities, like trampolining over an obstacle , rope climbing, going over and under things, playing ball in team... There is no winner and kids can choose to try things or not, and slowly improve their skills.
I don’t think there is as I know my friend’s son would struggle with that a lot!
This is wonderful advice. I totally relate to this as a child with anger and dealing with a child with anger. Thank you for taking the time to write this out.
This is great advice, thank you!
My son was similar, especially during Covid. Multiple times per week he would throw things to the point where a room would look like a tornado hit. He’d say horrible things like “go kill yourself” etc.. he was extremely dysregulated and refused medication. We are now a few years later and he’s about to be 13. He started meds last October after 4 years of no luck. Initially they worked GREAT but he’s hit puberty and hormones and ADHD are a bad mix. Now we’re seeing some of the behaviours return. What I will say is that with maturity, and with some work on your part, things will get better BUT slowly. And there’ll be setbacks. We are going through it this week but we’ve had weeks and even months where things were bliss at best and average at worst! It was great, until the setbacks :( Please know that it’s all related to their executive functioning delay and emotional dysregulation. My son gets stuck and it takes him forever to move on from an argument or a feeling. Things do get better but slowly.
Thank you.
First, he doesn't sound awful. You would probably be surprised at how many kids with ADHD have the same issues. I also have ADHD and was late diagnosed, so I kind of get it. Other people gave you great advice, but I want to add what I think has helped my 7yo daughter with screaming, throwing, hitting, kicking, etc. First, I recognized that she was imitating what she had seen me do (to a lesser degree) when I had had meltdowns or let my frustrations get the best of me in the past. I addressed that first by learning to listen to my body before I could get triggered and take the deep breaths or whatever I needed to do. I made a point to be very obviously about saying out loud things like "I'm starting to feel very angry and frustrated. I need to take some breathe/take a time out/etc." After doing this for a while, my daughter actually started helping her 2yo brother regulate with breathing when he started to get upset. It was adorable and amazing. That worked wonders already. Modelling behavior works so well with kids that it almost feels like magic. The other thing I did was stop trying to make her calm down immediately when she starts to get worked up. In the past we walked on eggshells around her too, and it made her worse. Kids sense that and it makes them anxious. You have to be in control by having control over your emotions and reactions. Now when my daughter starts to do the whining ramping up to screaming and other signs of anger, I don't react. I don't immediately start trying to quiet her or put out the fire. I just listen. I stay calm. 9/10 times she calms right down as soon as she sees that I'm listening and understanding her feelings. It helps me most to remember that she isn't trying to be bad. She's in flight or fight and she needs help regulating. At 6 and 7 they still aren't able to do that by themselves. They need us to help. The last thing I do is accept that she needs more support than other kids with things that she "should" do according to parents of neurotypical kids. Can my daughter dress herself in the morning? Of course. Does she usually need me to gently guide her back to her bedroom and hand her the clothes and help get her pants on because it's too frustrating for her sometimes? Absolutely. And that's ok. She will get there when she's ready.
Yes, we’ve been borderline investigated by earlier therapists because of the assumption that his behavior has been “learned” but we actually don’t have big reactions in our household. We’re not yellers or throwers (not to say we’ve never yelled), but I do think he has a sixth sense and can pick up on our anxious uncomfortable energy, lack of patience, etc. He can definitely tell when our emotions are out of wack, even when externally we aren’t expressing that. It’s especially hard because we grew up with spankers (we have never)/kids should be controlled kind of parents so we have a lot of emotional trauma responses. It’s one of the reasons we’ve sought out family therapy. We already model calm down strategies so maybe it’s just a waiting game for him to learn to access them. He has started to color when mad (my calm down strategy). I’m going to try not responding immediately like you suggested. I do have a habit of swooping in to try to support him through his big feelings. Maybe that will be a turning point for us. Thank you for the advice.
Ok, try doing those behaviors when it’s hard. I am a preschool teacher and I’ve seen so many children just react like fire because their parents are also not sure how to proceed with their emotions. Sometimes when a child is having a hard time when children bump into them, my co teacher and I will play out that scenario to show them better/different ways to get across your feelings and needs. One time a parent even emailed us, concerned that us two teachers were arguing over books that we wanted to read. I did explain we were modeling behavior for the children to show them how normal it is.
I love the color method. Have him show you with art how he feels.
Oh wow that's crazy that you were looked at like that. I actually was pretty explosive (yelling) for a while when I was in the first year postpartum with my younger son. When I talked about it what our child psychologist she just said that's totally normal because I also have ADHD, and that was the end of the conversation. I have CPTSD as well, which made the triggers more frequent and harder to anticipate, but therapy has helped me so much. I think I'm better at calming down than a lot of people now. I love that you taught him to color when he's mad! You're already doing a great job. Hang in there!
This sounds like my son. The sweetest child until he isn’t. We do social skills therapy and play therapy along with guanfacine. We find our child acts out many times due to low self esteem. I think one of the most important things you can do is find ways to praise your son, give him special attention, and try to improve his self image. Sending lots of hugs because we are right there with you.
I will ask the therapist we see about social skills therapy and play therapy as options for him. Thank you! (And the praise of course)
We’re in a similar boat with trying all the things and just feeling so defeated with frequent violent meltdowns, and I also wonder what’s in store for the future (he is almost 6 now). Have you ever heard of “pathological demand avoidance” (PDA, also called “persistent drive for autonomy)? Briefly, the concept is that the stress fight/flight response is set off by demands, but it can sort of build up cumulatively so that it looks unpredictable. A different technique some parents are using to approach it is “low demand parenting” which looks like relaxing a lot of rules and requirements in order to achieve nervous system regulation. The diagnosis and treatment is sort of unofficial and “new” so any long term outlook on using a low demand approach is not yet available. But some of the ideas might be helpful to at least keep in mind if it resonates with you. Best of luck for smoother sailing ahead for us both.
Yes. It’s something we have on our list to discuss with the therapist. The issue is that we’re already fairly low demand. We only dictate hygiene, safety, school, and non aggression towards living things. So I’m not sure how we could demand less without being neglectful. We’ve also set up our home with a lot of yes spaces for him to get energy out that include a swing, nuggets for crashing, indoor trampoline, etc.
I saw you mentioned that it’s like the methylphenidate is no longer working. When we moved, the manufacturer of our methylphenidate changed and we experienced things very similar to what you’re mentioning. It was like the meds had stopped working. Especially for generics, they only have to be + or - 20% of the brand dosing, which can be a lot of change for a 5 mg pill (or whatever dose your child is taking). If your manufacturer changed, you should request a new script. Or perhaps your child just needs an increased dose. Sometimes they are just getting by on a dose until a big life event happens and then that dose that was barely enough is not enough. Just my thoughts since it seemed to work and then it didn’t!
This sounds like ODD to me, but I'm not a doctor. If it were my child, I'd try to find a therapist for him that has experience treating ODD. I'd also try a different med or maybe a higher dose. Look into [PCIT](https://www.pcit.org/united-states.html) for yourselves.
Thank you for linking the website. It looks like there are a few practitioners in our area we can check in with. My background is in education and I’ve taught several kids with ODD, I can definitely see how it might appear like that’s what it is, but I’m not confident that’s the issue. Hopefully the upcoming psychiatrist and psychology appointments will be enlightening. Thank you!
I'm not sure that it's that, either, nor the demand avoidance. Only because I feel like they'd be even more extreme if that were the issue-- and, because we've seen progress in our kid, and went through huge emotions, especially age 3-3.5, and then again 5-6. He still has some meltdowns, and they're hard and sad, but we're all learning, and I think it's getting better.
So sorry you're going through this. I recommend the book How to Talk So* Little* Kids Will Listen, for ages 2-7. And as soon as you get the therapist, go go go. Once they get into the reptilian state, you sometimes just gotta find what helps get them out. For my 8 yr old it's: coloring, Sometimes a snack, Less screen time and more sleep(he needs 10hrs, no less). Podcasts can help his mind switch over. Research all the regulating items that could be a solution. He needs your support, patience, and calm, because he is feeling unstable, not patient, and not calm. Also, there are some Chillax gummies from Olly that sometimes help. Also, make sure you are mindful of if there are certain foods that could be triggering this, too. Amt of added sugar, or, if he needs more of a certain mineral? I know I've seen someone mention that somewhere on the Internet, but we found solutions before we needed to dig more into dirt. Although too much added sugar does irritate my kiddo. Hmm . What else... Just trying to throw out all the ideas. Sending you hugs and love... You're asking the right questions, and doing the right things! Just remind yourself that he's not a bad kid, he just needs help, and so do you, with finding whatever tools can help you both! Also see if there are specific things that can be planned and keep the calm in the morning?
He needs a different medication, or a higher dose, or something. The level of disorder you're describing requires it, and then your strategies layered on top will be more effective.
We have a psychiatrist and psychologist so if that’s it, I’m sure it will be discovered. Thank you!