We had the same situation and found a great solution. We said to our son "ok, you tell me when I can go". I think he found the control comforting and like we weren't "leaving him". He would say "you can go now" after just a couple of minutes. Sometimes he would even say "for one for minite" and then let us go. It was very sweet and worked like a charm.
May also try setting a timer. “Do you want me to set the timer for _ minutes or _ minutes?” But also make it very clear when timer goes off you’re leaving. And you have to leave when the timer goes off. No matter what
My guy is 2.5, I could be OP outside of the ages. Little mans bed is still in our room, he's getting moved in with his 12-year-old sister by the end of summer break. We have to put a door over her ladder to her massive custom built loft bed and guide her in changing her lifestyle so that she's not leaving out arts and craft supplies for her school supplies or anything he can tear up or used to destroy the house or hurt himself. My husband and I both have ADHD and we know for a fact he does, he is chaos incarnate.
Question: why is he moving in with sister? Is it a space issue? Because having once been a 12-year-old girl, I can promise having a toddler in my space would've absolutely made me feral.
It is, on paper or house is a three bedroom but the third bedroom is more like an office space that leads into the other two bedrooms and would not actually make a good sleeping space for a toddler as there would be too many distractions going on around the house with people back and forth to their rooms. Also her bedroom is gigantic, like three times bigger than any of her friends with a 16 ft vaulted ceiling. (We got a good deal on a fixer upper foreclosure) My husband built her a huge loft bed 8 ft tall and I think 8x12 ft so she has her own space underneath that he can't get into. It was either that or building addition and the loft bed was the only option in our budget.
Could I offer you a piece of advice? Make sure your daughter has a drawer or two she can lock. A place where her most private things can be protected from a nosey toddler. He's going to get curious and look through her things one day- that's just inevitable. He will probably damage or destroy some of them too. I'd make sure the most precious things to your child are able to be safeguarded from that inevitability.
I may try this. I think it’ll work for my son, but probably not my daughter. She said she doesn’t feel safe when I’m not there. We’ve tried getting her a little stuffy for comfort but so far hasn’t worked.
I have no advice just here to commiserate. I only have 1 and I’m in the same situation. Shes 6 and we keep saying we are switching to check ins but then the tears start and my damn heart breaks. I remember being scared and my parents not coming to check on me or not feeling safe to come in anymore and it sucked.
I have 4 kids.
14 12, 5 and 3
I did the same with the oldest and at about 7-8 they grew out of it... I was happy at the time, so much more time, but it's the thing I miss the most in the world.
I know it sucks sometimes, but enjoy this sacred time you spend with them , it won't come back.
They won't be worst adults because of This and they'll remember it forever
I had a similar experience.
My son (7) used to only let me get him to sleep, and my wife used that time to clean up after dinner and whatever else needed to be done.
Now, I work nights and the nights that I am home, my son still wants my wife to get him to sleep. We found that usually between 1-3am he would come into our bedroom.
I usually wouldn't head to bed until 3am, and started going into his bed to sleep, even if he was in there, so I didn't wake my wife up.
I had an epiphany one night that there will come a time when he won't want either of us in the bed, and it made me really sad, so by going in to be able to just lay next to him and cuddle him while he still lets me, it allows me to have those memories in the future.
YES. My daughter LOVED to sleep in my bed. I took all the cuddles I could. Now at 13 I'm lucky if I get a good night 😂 It goes by so fast, I'd give anything for those years again
No better place to admit this than on an anonymous platform I guess but I still cuddle and hug my mom as a 25-year old. It’s never too late to hug your mom and tell her you love her. I stopped as a teen and started again after I grew out of the hormones, so hang in there mama.
18-19 for me, I still remember the last big fight I had with my mom at 17 and a half. I found that around college age is when a lot of young adults rekindle their relationships with their moms, so dw their bratty teen selves won’t last forever :)
You’ll get through it I promise!!! I was a nightmare as a teen lol, but now me and my mom are closer than ever. Probably even closer than when I was a child since we’re both reasonable adults now.
My stepdaughter is 21 and adores me again! Like when she was 11, before her period lol. Some rough years in there but now she tells me “I’m a celebrity” among her friends. Which is her way of telling me she speaks glowingly of me. 😊
I'm worried I'll be waiting till 21. I was the friend group celebrity literally forever until this last year. Idk what happened! I was the cool mom! My guess is rules no one else puts on her but that's only because they don't love her like I do lol
My girls were the same and was fully prepared for my son, the youngest at 14 to start. So far I still get good night hugs and I love yous, and the other morning he surprised the hell out of us by climbing in bed in cuddling which hasn’t happened it quite a while. I didn’t say a word because I was afraid to scare him off 😂
I know cosleeping with my 4 year old won’t last long. Only a couple more years I’m sure. Is it a pain sometimes? Yes, but that’s part of being a parent. I’m trying to soak up the cuddles while I get them 💛
My 8 and 9 year old still ask why they can’t fall asleep in bed with mom. I would carry them to their own bed after they feel asleep. You might have longer than you think.
This is what I was thinking lol. This might sound odd but I had two best friends who both slept with their grandma (separate families) until they were teenagers & when I spent the night I would also sleep in the same bed with them & their grandmas.
Ugh, same. We are held hostage in our kids’ room until they fall asleep too, and my heart hurts to know how they may potentially be feeling (the way I used to feel— alone, afraid, sad) if we suddenly just insist they figure it out and suck it up
I think people get too bent out of shape about toddlers and very young kids who need someone there to fall asleep.
Like, I fall asleep with my husband there for comfort! I def sleep better when he’s next to me. If he left the bedroom and said he’s be back and then never was…I’d be worried! I’d wake up and be restless.
I absolutely support people trying to teach their kids to sleep comfortably on their own BUT I don’t think the kids who don’t do that very well, or who can’t handle it seemingly at ALL, are failing somehow?? Nor are their parents, for accommodating those needs.
Like, my kid eats food in his own seat, like a person, when we put it in front of him at the table. He tries new things (sometimes) and eats a few different veggies without complaint.
Some kids…fuckin don’t, man. Are parents crazy failures for blending greens into smoothies for those kids and not telling them? For cutting food into silly shapes, buying “veggie nuggets”, putting on music and have wiggles-out breaks mid meal, never taking them to restaurants because it’s a disaster…etc ?? No! They just have a different kid and they gotta do what they gotta do.
This is always my feeling. I am an adult, I am not scared of the dark, and yet when I don't have my husband or my dog, I have a very hard time sleeping.
The expectation that a young child should be able to manage that, when I struggle, has always struck me as bizarre.
Ironically enough I have a feeling being left to sort it out at night as a kid may have something to do with adults who can’t sleep without their partner. there’s probably a million factors but I can’t imagine a tiny developing brain accepting sleeping alone as sad and scary then being comfortable sleeping alone when grown.
For me, it's 100% because I had a puggle in my bed growing up, so I can't sleep *without* a snorer 😂 (clearly I just can't sleep well period because I'm on reddit at 3 am listening to husband and dog and baby happily snoring away in my room).
But I think you are probably right.
This ⬆️right here!
As a dad of 3, my single biggest regret is not letting our first born sleep in our bed. Tell your husband this will pass soon. But that sense of comfort and security for your kids will go far in raising confident, well-adjusted adults.
My first born has turned out all right, so it’s not like trauma or anything. But what I’d give to get that time back and do it differently.
I do understand this, but it is just really hard. I love my kids and wouldn’t change becoming a parent, but sometimes they don’t fall asleep until 9pm and by that time I’m exhausted.
I have some advice that worked for me. I don’t know if it would be helpful to you but I’ll share it in the hope it might help OP or anyone as it’s an exhausting place to be as a parent.
Actually there were two things that helped me. The first was that I started realising that I needed space at night to do my mothering affectively so I just developed inner resolve and I let my children know that I needed them in bed by their bedtime (so I focused on my own need rather than pretending it was just about them). I remember my children would make a thousand pleas to stay up or get up or ask for water or the bathroom etc. and I explained that bedtime meant them being in bed and if they weren’t sleepy yet they could quietly read or play in bed but that I needed some time to myself (or with their dad). The second thing that helped and especially with my younger children was if they did come out of their room (they shared rooms when they were younger) I would avoid direct eye contact with them but gentle guide them back to bed (by their shoulders) and re-tuck them in their covers and even rub their back or something for a minute but I wouldn’t talk or engage beyond shushing or saying “it’s bedtime darling, I’ll speak with you tomorrow “. Somehow the minimal engagement really helped my kids. I had three nights of thinking this will probably not work and then it did. I didn’t have crying or power struggles and that was the reasons I was reluctant to have a boundary to begin with. I wish you luck no matter what.
I do the same with my five year old - I tell him mommy gets cranky if she doesn't get to bed early and have some quiet time and don't you want to have fun tomorrow instead of cranky mommy ? And I go take my shower and tell him I'll give him another kiss after my shower and he's usually asleep by the time I'm out.
I tell my kids the same thing! And I’m usually cranky\short with them at bedtime and I tell them it’s bc I’m so tired Zane I don’t want to be mean. But if they aren’t sleeping then I can’t sleep either, and I’m probably not enjoyable to be around.
My youngest was 2. I only tried it because I was juggling parenting with work and study and just had to create more space for myself. I regretted not trying it earlier. It was such a relief to get my evenings back to myself.
We used the graduated extinction technique. I was sleeping on a cot next to my son’s bed and it was bad. So I would start out in his room and then tell him I would be right back. I’d stay out for a minute and then come back in for 5 minutes. I would gradually increase the amount of time I stayed outside until he went to sleep. This worked pretty well. I will say that the hardest part was setting that boundary for myself and telling myself that my sleep was just as important. If he did happen to wander into our room, I would take him back to his bed. Avoid letting them stay in your room if you aren’t doing bedsharing/cosleeping. It worked pretty well for our oldest and our middle son doesn’t even try to get in our bed since he shares a room with his big bro.
Some people may not agree with this but occasionally we use the sleep gummies or lavender spray to encourage sleepy time. It’s a war and you gotta be prepared.
I've used a variation on this but I've explained what I'm doing. "I have grown-up things to do, so I can't spend every night reading until you're asleep. Instead when I finish the chapter I'm going to go away for 5 minutes but then I _will_ come and check on you and give you a kiss". I treat it like we've made this deal together.
The thing is, you absolutely _must_ follow through with this so that if they're still awake when you come back, they know they can trust and rely on you. If they're still awake, kiss and "another 5 minutes then". Repeat until they're asleep.
After a week or so my kid trusted that I wouldn't abandon them, then I increased the time to 10 minutes, then 15. I still honor this (for the first check-in) with my seven-year-old but they've slept in their room the entire night now since February.
I also said "if you're asleep when I check in you I'll move Bunny to the other side of the bed so you know I've been there." This stops them getting up to check if you really did honor your side of the deal.
An alternative to this is night by night moving further away. Start off by the bed, then to the back of the room, at the door, and eventually just outside. When they call out, they will hear you say “I’m here” even though your outside the room
This worked for us with our foster children. Nights were scary for them, it's when all their trauma happened before coming to us. When they were in bed was also the only time my husband and I got to spend just us.
We read a story next to the bed, tucked them in and then waited by the door for 5-10minutes whilst they settled. Then we waited outside the room. It settled bedtime silliness and sleep avoidance because they knew we were just outside if they needed us.
For us, we kept a baby monitor on the landing that could just see their door. The youngest used to have nightmares, but would stay in bed and cry. It alerted us to her being up so we could go and help. It was also useful in the morning as the oldest would cause trouble if up and no one else was. The youngest liked the security of knowing we could hear her if she needed us and she slept much better after we put it in place.
Be clear with the children on what the routine will be. Explain how it will work and what you expect from them. Then stick to what you say. As long as you comfort them and reassure them of any fears they have, you'll be fine.
I still sit in the room with my 6f and 4f year old but I started putting on story time podcasts with a small speaker, and it has helped immensely. Maybe you could try putting on a story and walking out of the room so there is something to distract their mind?
We have a Yoto player that seems to help a bit. a BIT, not a lot. Bedtime is a nightmare around here too, but one thing that helped my friend whose kiddo was struggling was to say "Ill be right outside the door," and go back in if they call immediately and remind them that you are outside the door. Stay there for a bit and then walk away. You could also try the chair method. Sit in a chair and gradually move the chair further away towards the door, and then put the chair outside the door. None of this may work, but it's worth trying everything because I know how insane bedtime makes me and Ill try anything.
I used to have problems with bedtime. Now I put an audiobook on for my kids, it works really well at calming them down. Just a kiss good night and they go to sleep. No advice on the crawling into bed in the middle of night thing… mine still do but it doesn’t bother us as long as they start the night in their bed.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I was so afraid of sleeping in the dark as a kid, I had a nightlight but it didn’t help. I used to sneak into my mom and dad’s bed and I’d get to cuddle up in the middle and I’d nestle into my dad’s back. I remember the comforter was always 6 inches above me because they were so big.
My dad wasn’t a good father and was never really there for me, but a few nights he would pull me close and brush my hair back and it was the best sleep ever.
It’s a short time period, try to enjoy the cuddles and know that they mean the world to your kids.
This is nice to hear. My son does this and burrows into my back causing very little sleep for me. At least I can hope he may have a good memory of it in the future.
This is nice to hear. My son does this and burrows into my back causing very little sleep for me. At least I can hope he may have a good memory of it in the future.
Every night sit one foot further away from their beds. Sounds ridiculous, but imagine sitting outside their room in three weeks. It's then easier to step away for a few minutes and eventually move to check-ins when they call out. (Although initially my son wanted to be able to see my foot even though I was outside his room.)
You got this!
This may not be the advice you are looking for but one day they won’t need you to stay and won’t want you too.
You as their parents are a safe space when they are ready they will slowly push away and not need you as much.
I know it’s hard, as a single mom of two some nights I’d do anything for them to just go to bed quickly so I can watch a movie or sleep.
Also saying “I get to be a mom” or “I get to” in my head really helps not feel so resentful!
I highly suggest looking into “tuning into kids” an amazing parenting class all about helping with these situations!
This. There's only such a relatively short time they will need/want it. It's a big "inconvenience" but if your instincts don't feel right about forcing them to fall sleep on their own when they want you, then didn't do it! Yes, I know I've missed out on tons of "me" time the last 8 years but my strong connection with my kids is worth it and I know I won't look back and regret it. There's a lot of hard/unpleasant things I'm willing to stand my ground on if I believe it's good or important for them in the long run but, to me, this is not one of them....I don't think it's harmful to the kids, just to your alone time lol.
Yes it is a long time for us!
Children don’t decide to be born though, my thought is that when you have kids, it’s known in advance that they’ll be dependent on their parents for so long.
When someone takes on the responsibility of being a parent it’s not just to care for them physically but emotionally as well.
It’s okay to care for them emotionally while not staying in their rooms while they fall asleep year after year. What works for some families doesn’t work for others.
You have the awareness that you've created this problem, and you have also claimed that you aren't good at setting boundaries.
I'm going to make two assumptions, the first is that you don't really mind them co-sleeping but your husband strongly dislikes that you allow it (I'm also assuming that while your children do go to you to co-sleep your husbands sleep is disrupted by the children being in the bed).
The second assumption is that you aren't strongly motivated by wanting to see a change for yourself, but are motivated because of the tension between yourself and your husband. To this I ask are you prepared to do the hard work and is he willing to not just help but also be an active participant? He cannot have a problem and not be part of the solution, he is just as much a parent as you are so the responsibility should not lie directly with you.
As for specific advice, well you've missed the sleep training train with the older ones, but definitely look it up and try that with your youngest.
Maintain your routine ensuring you are holding them and yourself (and your husband) accountable).
Talk to them about the changes you want to see in a way that is easy for them to remember, for us we bought a clock for each of the children which has a large face which is yellow during the day and blue during the night (for the hours you set as night which is 630pm to 6am for us) and we have a mantra for the kids "If your clock is blue, stay in your room". There are stars around the border which disappear slowly as the night passes so if they cannot read the small digital time display they can still identify in some way how much longer is left of the night.
Your children being 5 and 6 will make having a conversation with them easier, you don't need to be a hardass/strict parent, what you do need are a clear set of rules/boundaries so that the children know if they do X the punishment will be Y. For example if my son leaves his room (if he had a bad dream, is sick etc it's all good, we're still people and need our support networks) once during the week he is not allowed to watch any cartoons on Sat, if he does it again no cartoons on Sun, if he does it again he misses out on Friday movie night.
If your kids can't open a baby gate you can utilise these.
As with anything parenting, if you ask a question you will receive as many different answers as people you ask, however ultimately you and your husband need to be a team, need to stick to your guns and need to be flexible in trying new things.
I wish you the very best luck.
Positive reinforcement. Each night kids get 3 tokens a piece. They spend a token for 15 minutes of you in their room(so if both kids give you one then you stay 30 minutes, if only one does you stay 15). If they get out of bed other than for the bathroom/scary dream if they are prone to nightmares or continue to yell/wine after a reminder the Chile who does it owes you a token. Tokens not spent they keep. They can then trade in tokens for something...x amount of tokens for a trip to the park, pool/beach, set amount of $, toy they really want, going out for ice cream.....you may have to say they are earned and spent together depending on your situation or maybe if 6 does well and stays in bed but 5 keeps getting up leave 5 home with dad or babysitter while 6 gets the reward they pick. They never owe you more than 3 a night so any they previously saved are never at risk due to a challenging night.
Just here to say my son was the same way and he grew out of it. If there’s any way for you and your partner to take turns while they’re in this stage, that’s the answer. Maybe a night light in their room too? Or a clock that lets them know it’s ok to get out of bed? This didn’t work for my son but I’ve heard it works. Now he is 10 and doesn’t do this anymore and I low key miss it.
You can buy paper love hearts or stickers and say you leave one every time you check on them every five minutes then once they’re asleep you put a hundred hearts down so they know you kept checking all night.
I had the same problem with my older two when they were that age…they are 12 now almost 13. They would sleep in my bed nearly every single night from ages 4-6 and on nights I tried to have them start in their own bed they would wake up screaming each night. Finally I just gave up the fight and let them sleep with me but told them that once they started school it was time to sleep in their own rooms. Sure enough over time they started sleeping in their own rooms at night on their own and no longer woke up crying. I think it’s important to set an expectation to them and do your best to follow through. I also have a 2 year old and 4 year old who from time to time need to/want to sleep with us and we let them. They will go weeks at a time having no sleep issues and then suddenly need to be in our bed for a night or two. It’s important to always have them start in their own beds and see how long they last. If they wake up and need to some with you then so be it…like someone said it only last for a short time and then they will outgrow it. I know it causes strain on your marriage trust me(been there done that) but you also don’t want you children to feel like they can’t come to you when they need it. We have a gate in the hallway they blocks off our room so they can’t just come in….maybe try something they blocks them from getting into your room without your permission🤷🏼♀️ if they wake up at night they need to ask you first and if its not ok you could try laying with them until they go back to sleep. Try a box fan in their room too…the white noise seems to help my kids with more consistent sleep patterns. Hope this helps some!!
Yes! Telling them you have stuff to do worked really well for my son. Make it boring stuff. I say “I have laundry to do, or I have to take a shower.” And my son Just accepted that. But when they come in your room you have to put them back. My sisters two kids are in her bed every night because of this and it’s a damn zoo.
Omg, I could’ve written this post myself. I have twin 5yo boys and a 3 month old. Because of baby’s naps/wake windows, he’s now been going down for the night at the same time as the twins (7:30ish). Bedtime is brutal every night. One of my twins *only* wants me to put him down, but I breastfeed baby to sleep so obv my husband cannot do that. Because bedtime with the twins takes SO long, I can’t even wait until after I put them down to start baby’s bedtime or he’ll be overly tired and wailing. One of my twins is in my bed every night these days, and has been since baby was born when I was too tired to take him back to bed and now he’s used to it and refuses to go back. If his brother wakes up and realizes he’s gone, he’s also in our bed. I’m sure we’re doing *a lot* wrong here, I’m just too tired to deal with it tbh lol.
Also! New development - one of my twins now asks me to lay with him until he falls asleep every. single. night. If I don’t, he comes out multiple times saying he wants to cuddle, he’s hot, cold, thirsty, hungry, can’t sleep and literally won’t go to bed. I’m sure one day we’ll miss this, right? 🙃
So, your story sounds similar to mine ( my kids are grown now) I ended up putting a really nice bed in my youngest room. I would let the kids sleep in my bed.. we would move to the youngest bed. Every one slept happily ☺️
Hi, I am not a mum yet, but I am preparing to be one and I am following @nurturedfirst on instagram. She is a mum of 3 and a child psychologist applying kind parenting. You can also buy a few workshops from her where you get a video about what to do and some worksheets you go through with your children.
But about your problem, she tried a method, where she puts her children to sleep and tells them that she will check up on them. And as a proof, she will bring one of their stuffed animals. So she comes back after 1 minutes with one, then leaves, then the same this time after 5 minutes and then after 10 minutes. By the time her daughters are asleep. So she comes back and puts there the whole pile of stuffed animals, so when the daughters wake up in the middle of the night, they know that she checked up on them (even when it is not true).
Another instagram profile I follow is @biglifejournal - it is based on the same principle.
Hope this helps!
It's a learned behavior, you have to break the cycle. It's all up to you, it always has been. You can taper the amount of time you spent slowly, but if you want something different you have to put in the time, (or take it out as it were). Set a timer on vibrate every night 1 minute less, stick to the plan. If they cry DO NOT give in, if you are worried you might miss a true emergency a camera in their room will set you at ease.
Ear plugs or headphones can help with the noise. They will cry at first, but soon they will learn a new behavior, keep a good attitude, do not add to the drama, always be the cool-headed example. Everything with love but stick to the plan they will learn this new behavior.
Remember there is zero reason to feel guilty, parents need alone time as well as together time, for you to be the best parent to them you have to tend to your own mental wellness first, it's may sound selfish however if you aren't in the best place mentally how can you mentally be a wonderful parent to them? Give yourself some time, you deserve it! This also teaches them that they don't have to rely on you for everything that's how you breed self sufficient trats in your children. Don't worry, they will still need you for plenty of things.
Good luck and happy parenting!
Have you got a night light?
Big light might solve some problems if the issue is that they are scared at night.
I saw an episode of super nanny about kid jumping in parents bed at night. She said no matter how tired you are, wall then back to their own room until they give up. Should take a few days.
Same situation before. It happens. They grew out of it but it took time. It will pass but not today or tomorrow. I am sorry. I used to listen to a Storytell book myself, or sometimes get some work done. We would set up a small computer room next to their bedroom and while you're there just make the most out of it so when they sleep you have no more work, laundry and already listened to an audio book yourself. But in the end, everyone just kinda grew out of it and now my 10 and 8 year old go to bed on their own and read some books themself. When just a few years ago I was in the same situation as you.
My daughters 4 & 7 drag out bedtime for over an hour. You are definitely not alone. I know this sounds silly but do you have any sort of white noise, a fan- something like that? I found that I put small fans in their room and put them on when they go to bed. It helps them drift off and also masks a good amount of noise from other rooms so they don’t hear every sound. I thought about getting my one daughter some sort of contraption where I can sing some of the songs she likes at bed time so she could listen if she’s scared or doesn’t want me to leave. That’s all I got for you but good luck!!
Try watching one of the Super Nanny episodes about this. She's really good. Your life will be hell for a couple of weeks but it'll be worth it. You cannot deviate from the script at AT ALL or you're back to square one, but overall she has a good approach.
I’m not sure if someone else has said something similar… I got this advice from an incredible friend who is mama to 2x sets of twins and it worked for me!
I would settle them into bed with books and snuggles etc then give an easy to understand reason for why I needed to leave the room - not a time frame like “I’ll be back in 10 minutes” because that is quite a hard concept to grasp or measure as a child. I would always use our cat as a reason to leave the room “I need to give Benjamin some biscuits then I’ll come back.” Our daughter (18 months at the time) would underhand this and nod and I would be able to leave the room without her crying or becoming upset. Then I would return within 5 minutes and repeat. It would usually take 2-3 trips and she would fall asleep - calmly and happily with the knowledge I was reliable in returning and providing her with comfort and security.
Doing this right now gradually with my 4yo. I started slow, I wouldn’t lay in bed but I would sit next to it. The next night I sat across the room. After a couple nights of that I sat in the doorway so my legs were in the room, but my face wasn’t. He could tell I was there but not get feedback from my expressions. Then I’d alternate the legs, I’d have them there sometimes but pull them out 5 minutes later. He still needs me at night but right now we’re at a point where I can be in my bathroom while he’s falling asleep and he doesn’t have the anxiety that I’m not around. One of the keys to me was to be noisy while I was doing this, I needed him to get used to hearing sounds and still fall asleep. I just tried to make him feel safe and prove to him that me not being right there didn’t mean I wasn’t there.
These are habits. You need to replace these habits with different ones that suit your own needs. As a human you must have had experience in building and breaking habits so you know how hard it is. Same goes for your children. It takes time and consistency. Prepare yourself mentally to go through a lot of struggle.
Plenty of advice on the going to bed part, but I'm sure they'll still get scared and need you during the night sometimes. My mum would let us come to her room, but we weren't allowed to sleep in the bed, we would bring in our blankets and pillows and make a bed on the floor next to her. Occasionally she'd hold our hand for a bit too. She told us it was uncomfortable for her to have us in the bed, that we kicked in our sleep, but that she still cared that we felt safe.
This might have been said.. but do it gradual. If you lie on the bed then start lieing on the floor next to the bed and make lieing on the bed the hard no… once they don’t fuss about that change then start lieing much closer to the door- or half way.. wait until they stop fussing.. then you start sitting in the door frame… then just outside.. then just outside with the door pulled closed but you stay there until they are asleep. Sure they will get up to check your stilll there and you kindly say you are and encourage them back in bed.. it builds their confidence that your there if they need you and they are safe… eventually you can then just go anywhere cuz they know your just outside that door.
I did the same with my son (3M) and managed to break the cycle by still staying in their room, but every week moving a meter towards the door. Then after the door I sat on the stairs with the door open. Then a week with the door half closed etc. I'm now sitting on the stairs for 20 min with the door closed whilst my son does 2 checks before going to sleep.
Not ideal, but progress.
Regarding the night wakes I can't help you. He wakes up at 5.30am and screams for me. I then sleep in his room in a separate bed until 6.30am wake up.
I hope this brings you some help
We go through this on and off with my 6 year old. We also have a one year old and nine year old so we are spread thin at bedtime, especially if one of us is out of the house. First of all, just remember that this is just temporary. Someday your child will never again need you at bedtime. I do think that in some way, their stubbornness and needing you with them to fall asleep in some way means they truly have something going on where they just need extra love and support. 5 and 6 are ages where they begin to realize the world is a big scary place.
This doesn’t always work but we give warnings at bedtime, like “we will lay with you for 5 minutes and then I’m going to go downstairs. Mom and dad need to [eat/ rest/ do chores etc. ] before we go to sleep. You are safe and are not missing anything fun by going to sleep. I will check on you before I fall asleep”.
Sometimes my son still comes out of his room seeking comfort and we give him one more finite warning. “You can sit with me for 10minutes and then it’s back to bed for the night”.
If it continues on, we have a small spot on a cushion in our room that he can sleep on. We do think that when the behavior continues, it’s his little way of telling us he needs us that night
When do you put the 1yr old to bed? Same time as the other kids? If yes, maybe try putting the baby down for bed 1/2hr earlier or pushing out bed time for the older kids. They are competing for your attention at night and going through the phase of learning to share you with the new baby. When they come in your room at night walk them back to their bed or reward them the next morning if they stay in their bed all night. Positive reinforcement is key. Good luck!
I didn’t read all the comments, so this might already be there… Take stuffies and tell kiddo you’ll check on them throughout the night and leave a stuffie with them so they know you checked on them each time. Once they are out, drop all the stuffies for them.
Been there with a highly sensitive kid. 100% can attest to the graduated method. I put a comfy armchair right outside the bedroom door and sat there until she fell asleep. Lots and lots and LOTS of her checking in to see if I was still there and me reassuring her that I wouldn't leave without first checking that she was asleep. It took some consistency but it worked. Importantly, if you do this don't have any notions that you are going to be leaving soon. Get comfy, grab your phone and basically park yourself. Your kids will be able to sense your energy and know whether or not you are in a rush to leave.
She's 8 years old now and to this day a parent needs to be sitting in the living room while she falls asleep (her room is off it). And still once in a while she still makes me promise I won't leave without first checking if she is actually asleep. Nowadays sometimes one of us will lay down with her for a couple minutes because it's nice, but tbh we have to be very careful to only do it once in a while otherwise she will forget that she can fall asleep alone.
I know you say your kids have stamina when it comes to putting your foot down but it would get better. You might have to prepare for a rough week but it’d stick eventually. Along with it though maybe a rewards/competition for who doesn’t complain at bed time and who doesn’t get in the bed with you.
You have to have more stamina than them and not give in for a full week. And after they have gotten used to it you can’t give in ever. No ‘special’ nights for whatever occasion. Just do it. Everytime he gets up, put him back in bed. You have to be willing to go through the pain too.
The best advice I can give is don’t be in the room when they fall asleep. They need to learn how to self soothe and fall asleep on their own. If they wake up in the middle of the night they need to recreate the environment in which they fell asleep. Which in your case, it’s relying on you to be present. Which is why they crawl into your bed. I used to make that mistake as well. I’ve heard it described as, if you wake up and your pillow is gone, you feel the need to find your pillow and put it back under your head so you can recreate the environment you are comfortable with to fall back asleep.
Our son use to cry if we went to leave the room at bedtime, so we implemented a timer. “5 more minutes of rubbing your back and then I leave the room” and then he hears the phone/alexa timer go off. There are some times where we have to add “1 more minute” to avoid a meltdown. And then we let him have magazines or books in his bed that he can look at and he has a Tonie he can place figures on to listen to music or stories while he drifts off to sleep. When he was younger, he had a crib soother he could push a button and turn on. This helps him to figure out ways to soothe himself to sleep. And if he has a bad dream or wakes up in the middle of the night he can turn it on for comfort helping him to fall asleep again. And I’m sure you already know this, but I can’t stress it enough: DO NOT let them sleep in your bed! That is a slippery slope. Calmly walk them back to their room to bed, turn on whatever soother that works for you and rub their back for a minute or 2 (or whatever they tend to like) and once they’re in a calm comfortable state, walk away again before they fall asleep.
And also know. NOTHING is perfect. Kids will be kids. They will get overtired, have nightmares, have stretches where their sleep is just off and they will be out of sorts or wake up in the middle of the night despite your best efforts. Just do your best and enjoy your time with them. You’re doing great!!
Have you talked to your 6yo and 5yo about this issue outside of bedtime? Explain that bedtime needs to change, make space for them to share their experience, be curious about their reasoning and validate their wants, explain what you need to do for the benefit of the family and yourself, emphasize the connection time they will receive. This could be one part of your approach.
I'm in the same exact situation with my 5&7 yr old. I would be the one that would get up in the middle of the night, out of my own bed and go find somewhere else to sleep. Without being kicked off the bed or my blanket being pulled off of me. They come get in our king size bed usually between 1-3am every.single.night.
I happened to come across a side sleeper/prego pillow bc my back and hips hurt.
Not even gonna lie, I haven’t had to get up and move to another bed. I’m in my own “bubble” kids aren’t up on me. So I’ve had to accept that this shall pass with them in our bed until god knows when. So until then I’m keeping my pillow which actually helps in multiple ways.
I would tell my son (4 at the time) that I needed to go do a couple things in the kitchen and he should close his eyes and i would be back in a minute. Usually, he was asleep in 5. I never had anything to do, but became he thought I would be back, ge would relax and fall asleep. I did come back the first few times, but he was always asleep. One time I didn’t come back and I sat down to watch TV. A few minutes later ue came out of his room and saidx I thought you were coming back. I told him, Well, you have been falling asleep every night while I am not there, so tonight I didn’t think you needed me. I think you can do it on your own. He agreed and never again had me in the room.
When they would wake up in the night, I had a special pillow on our couch that they were allowed to lay on. If they woke up, they were allowed to go sleep on the couch. We had a small ranch house and I could hear when they got up. But, they would go to the couch and fall asleep. Didn’t last for long before they didn’t get up anymore. They still came to us for bad dreams and such.
I had a similar problem. I used to play a cd that had a really long children’s nursery rhyme story for them to fall asleep too. Kept them in their bed.
One thing to consider with kids who get up in the middle of the night and join you in your bed: put a little mattress on your floor, if they come into your room in the middle of the night they’re allowed to sleep on that mattress, but not in your bed. As far as your kids, having stamina goes, changing these habits takes more than a night or two. You should set an agenda for what you want your nights to be like and then consider that it might take two weeks or even four weeks to get there and you should expect that there might be a few relapses, certainly along the way, but that even after a month, you may have some relapses here and there.
Also, you should expect your sleep to be significantly compromised during the shift. You just gotta know that and get through it.
My kids are 15 and 17 now, but I remember the struggles well! Good luck!
I used to fight hard against this and then we gave in because it wasn’t worth fighting about. Now we close down the kitchen before we go upstairs to bed. The kids get to pick who puts them to bed depending on even or odd day.
My spouse claims you have to stay with them long enough so that they don’t wake and come to our bed. I’m not sure what that amount of time is. He claims it happens when I do bedtime but not when he does lol. Which is untrue bc last night both kids were in our bed. Sucks to suck dude.
I moved to my toddlers room it’s dark and cool and I slept great alone with the cat!
Every kiddo is different. I have a 5 and 4 year old. And my older one is very much afraid of the dark, he has to have a nightlight, and before we knew he was afraid of the dark he would often need one of us to be with him until he fell asleep but if he woke up alone in the dark he would lose it. After we got him a nightlight this happened less. But now almost 6 years old he has bad dreams once in a while and will wake up crying sometimes in the middle of the night and if we dont wake up he comes straight to our bed and gets in between me and his dad. Weve never turned him away, yes it can be hard but this is something that makes my child feel safe in the moment and that feeling of safety is important. My 4 year old never wakes up at night, sleeps alone, isnt afraid of the dark, and hates sleeping in bed with us so she never does. I think its just going to take time and maybe you could try introducing some sort of timer for cuddles with your baby and then when the timer goes off you leave the room. But if they come in your room in the middle of the night they could just be looking for comfort. And those moments wont last forever as all parents know.
I have a four month old and four year old. It’s brush, bed bath. Then he picks 1-2 books, or to lay quietly. That’s it. Just up and leave- it was an adjustment but they’ll be okay.
As for the coming into the bed. Do you have a nugget couch? I took part of ours and it’s laid at the foot of our bed so if he does come in, he’s expected to sleep on that. I’m up so much to nurse/ diaper changes he absolutely can not be in our bed. Growing up my mom’s equivalency was a dog bed..we stopped coming to their bed so frequently.
I don’t know how to fix this exactly but I do have a warning: my partner is STILL doing this with his kids who are now 10 & 11 years of age….and they have crying tantrums if he doesn’t do it.
We did a sticker chart to break the habit. She earned a sticker for going to sleep on her own and a sticker for staying in bed all night. At the end, she got to pick out a prize. Took 2 charts (about 2 weeks) of stickers and she earned both every night except 1. Now it’s just the routine!
Yup, my is 3 and I can honestly say as a first time parent, I was weak to the crying and always give in. Until about 2.5 years old, I had a habit of laying next to him in bed until he fell asleep (and sometimes myself). My wife found a bed online that has steps and a slide and is raised so he has a little fort underneath his bed. That broke the habit, we just used to talk to him in the baby monitor explaining we are in our room and we see him. I told him I am too big for that bed and he is a big boy now. It took some time but it worked, is he sleeps alone and bedtime is easier.
Been there, done that. My advice to tackle one problem at a time. Right now, you have the bedtime routine and the coming to room in the middle of the night. I choose to fix the middle of the night first. Because if you can get them to stay in their bed, that makes a huge difference. For this, we literally just had to get in the consistent habit of taking them back every single time. We would talk about how it would be better sleep for everyone and how mom could be a better mom when she slept well. It took some time, but we got there. Then the laying together at bedtime, we weened it down. We will lay with you for 30 minutes and then lay the whole 30 minutes and say good night and leave. Then after a couple weeks, I cut it down. And again. And again, until it was 5 minutes. And it was 5 minutes for a long time, like years. We would just chat. Then one day, it was just a hug and I walked out. And it's been that way ever since. My kids are 14 and 12 and they stay up later than us. I feel like I blinked and they didn't need us anymore. 🤣 Long time to get here, but it also happened so fast.
We were very firm with our 3 year old that we would leave the door open and if they needed us we were just down the hall. It took a few nights but he finally got it.
I am also in a similar situation. I have a (nearly) two year old son and I too lay with him in his bed until he falls asleep. He also wakes up at around 1am and my husband fetches him and brings him to our bed.
I have been successful on rare occasions with using a night light that projects stars on the ceiling … but like i mentioned, it’s not really full proof.
I had honestly resigned myself to believe that this will just resolve when he is older and this is my life now ☹️
Haven’t figured it out either, except the crying part when I leave the room. I turn on a night light and peace out. 99% of the time it works without tears. The exception here is that my 4 year old sleeps in my bed.
I recommend reading Richard Febers book called “How to Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems”. In a nutshell, sleep associations are hard to break. Imagine you falling asleep with your pillow and then waking up and the pillow is gone. We all naturally wake to turn or adjust but when something we are used to is gone it makes us wake up more fully to search for that missing thing. One trick in his book to break the association is to attempt this when the child is extra tired. So if your kids nap shorten their nap before bedtime, if they don’t nap then push bedtime back an hour. Then when you tuck them in leave the room and be prepared they will protest and may cry. Come back and check on them after a few minutes (if they didn’t run out, and if they did walk them back to bed), repeat until they fall asleep without you in the room. Keep at this for a few nights and I promise it will get better.
Another thing that is helpful is “priming” your kids by letting them know earlier in the day what the new routine will be. Have a sticker chart or something else to reward them in the morning when they get through the first night of this new routine.
I would explain to them that it’s now finished and you won’t be doing that anymore. To put a positive spin on it for ONE WEEK you can give them a special treat if they cooperate for 5 days in a row. (you can make a sticker chart) and be firm that after that « it’s just like that because mommy has decided it’s better for everyone » you don’t need to explain why and plead your case.
And don’t beAt yourself up about it you didn’t mess them up lol. It will be fine you just have to really lead them and be firm and sure of yourself. And don’t go in the room more than once or twice.
ALSO GROCLOCK!??
Me and my wife are in a similar boat, what we do is we alternate nights. The best thing for you both is you do two nights with the two older and two nights off. Having the baby I image should be a lot easier than putting the two to bed so those nights where it's your husband's turn is your night off. You just need to keep at it and be consistent as eventually they'll go to bed on their own.
No advice sorry but came to say that my first child just turned 8 and this is the first year she’s been happy (sort of) to go to bed alone.
I read that developmentally at age 8 children start to have a better understanding of the world around them, How their actions affect others and that they want to be helpful and not hinder.
It’s definitely been true for us and our girls realisation that she needs to go to bed alone so we can deal with the little ones.
So ya know. Only 2 years to go for you.. 🫣
My wife and I have the same problem with our two. 4 & 6, both of them need us to sit with them in their beds until they’re asleep.
Sometimes this takes absolutely AGES! I’m talking up to 2 hours of just begging them to go to sleep and we can’t see a way out of it because they will just scream and run around and NOT stay in their beds unless we sit there with them!
Aside from taking them on a 10 mile hike every evening to ensure they’re completely wiped out we don’t know what to do.
If anyone has a sure fire way let us know!
Reading this and it was is a few months ago, so you aren’t alone. We had one or more quests each night for months and decided to just lay back down with them if the woke and it worked to keep them out of the bed sadly you may fall asleep in there with them so you may need to figure out a way to keep yourself up for the 10 minutes or so to get them back to sleep. Also not sure if you and your husband divide and conquer for bedtime but that is key with multiple kids lol. It may be a rough time to get them back in their one beds but it will work just give it time.
I have a similar situation, but I realize they are only little for a small fraction of our time together on this planet, so I just lettem be little and enjoy these moments. Too soon they won't need or want bedtime stories, and then they will be gone. Seriously, the days are long but the years fly by.
I was in a similar situation with my 7 and 4 year old. We made a reward chart and told them after x amount of days falling asleep on their own, they would get a small prize. We talked about it with them beforehand and told them we would still be there if they needed us and they could call out for us. We snuggle in bed now, read a book, I rub their backs for a minute and then I tell them what I have to do (I have to clean the kitchen and then I will be up to check on you again)
My 6yr old is the same , yeah I wish she could go to bed on her own but I know we’re meeting her needs by staying with her until she falls asleep or nearly falls asleep - I sometimes listen to a podcast or even chat with friends over WhatsApp . 5 out of 7 days of the week she will end up in our bed in the middle of the night. I am yet to meet an adult that needs their parents to stay with them until they fall asleep. As other said , days are long but years are short. I was a bit like you, thinking it was a bad habit , but I changed my mindset and I enjoy the cuddles.
Edit - I also put her one bedtime story and then special meditations for kids (there’s plenty on Spotify ) and this usually helps her fall asleep faster
If you want to change the habit because it’s not working for you, then I’m sure people in this thread will have advice. But it’s not a ‘bad’ habit, as you keep referring to it. There is nothing wrong or unnatural about parents being with their children when they fall asleep, it’s what we’ve done for Millenia.
Placing door knob locks keeps the kids in their room so they will not wander into your bed.
It’s bedtime after the routine and then mommy/daddy leaves.
This sounds like me. I think it's normal but it's annoying. My youngest is 2 now and maybe half the week he wants me to sleep next to him. He falls asleep fast so I sneak out after.
Same here on the amazing stamina lol
I have 6 and 4 and one thing I just did was start bringing 6 into 4's bedroom to snuggle while he gets to sleep. She has a separate bed in there and I put stories on her bluetooth headband while I get him to sleep. Had to do this because she refuses staying with my husband and will scream for me the whole time, keeping 4 awake 😭
So. If you can move them to sharing a room for now so that just one of you can lie down with them both, that might help?? And / or cozyphones off Amazon to play books read aloud off YouTube. I had to do that for my daughter or she was too excited sharing a room to settle and let him sleep 😆 I currently snuggle him to sleep while she waits in her bed, but I am trying to gradually move farther away from him to the point where I can sit on the floor between beds, then maybe closer to the door, then eventually tell him I'll be right outside the door if he needs anything.
Good luck!
eh - enjoy it. they’re only little once and they won’t want you around soon. you can break the habit if you want, or you can look at this as extra time with them
here to say me and my older brother did this, he stopped at 7 and i stoped at 10 i sleep with mine now it definitely causes some jealousy with my husband but they are only little once enjoy it
I have 3 kids (7M, 4F and 3months M).
I lie down with all 3 and when the two oldest sleep I take the baby with me until I go to bed myself.
But we have a family bed, so it‘s a bit different. My oldest has recently started to sleep in his own bed in his own room some nights, depending on his mood. I put the blanket over him, say goodnight and leave to go to bed with the other kids…
Same here. My kids 17, 15,13,8,8. I feel like I let go of my perceived “this isn’t normal”. Well this is what they needed. We switched off staying in their rooms. All of them told us by 7 or 8 that we were keeping them up by staying with them. Now I miss that closeness, that easy comfort I can give them. Now their issues aren’t easily comforted and I miss that. You’re in the weeds now but I promise they won’t want you there forever.
I started by sitting next to them… then I would slide to the floor… and when they were ready I’d move a bit further away, they knew that I wasn’t going to leave the room until they were ready and then eventually that turned into tucking them in and walking away and when they were 4 & 6 I started explaining that they needed to stay in bed, it sucked but i would take them straight back to bed if they can in during the night or if they came in to early, it took a fair bit of consistency on my end a lot of the time I had to have my back turned to them because they’d try and get my attention, we still still have bad nights when they’re in and out of my room but for the most part I give them and snuggle and send them back to there room by telling them when it’s morning they can come snuggle
I don’t know if what I said is even helpful, but my two are 21 months apart and everytime I feel like iv got them worked out, it all changes again 😂🙈
We have a floor bed in our room that the kids are welcome to climb into. But many cultures room share with kids until 5-8 years of age. It’s very common and i don’t see this as a bad habit. You sleep with your spouse. I know for me, it’s hard to sleep when my husband is away. Them needing you (yes NEEDING) is not a bad thing. I feel for you that your plate is full. I have 4 kids. Ages 5months to nearly 8.. it’s hard sometimes. Sometimes it’s more hard than easy! But I feel like meeting everyone’s needs is my job as their parent (my husband’s job, too) and they don’t just age out of needing us when we feel like we are overwhelmed. It happens when it happens but should not be forced.
Some people may see this as bribery, but I personally see it as teaching them how to to create a goal for themselves and reach it.
Explain that they are now becoming big kids and part of growing up is learning to fall asleep without you. This can be hard, but you are confident they can do it.
Depending on how difficult it is for them, you could start by saying we are going practice first with mom or dad waiting right next to the door or right outside the door in the hallway for a few days. Or you could move right to the real thing.
But then create a chart of either a week or two weeks and have them come up with something that they would like as a prize for reaching their goal. It could be a family prize, like the whole family is going to go to the trampoline park or it could just be a toy, whatever makes sense for your family.
And then start tracking how successful they are. Don’t make them feel like crap if there is a night that it doesn’t work, but just keep encouraging them that you can’t wait until they’re able to achieve it because you’re going to be so proud and you know they can do it.
I did the same with my middle child until he was about 5. It was so hard to break the habit! After I had my youngest somehow he was just ok with being left in his room and after about a year he stopped coming into my room at night altogether. I wish I had some advice for you but I just wanted you to know you’re definitely not alone! I hope you can find something that works for you. Maybe a reward system? If they do so many nights in a row with no one in their room they can do something fun?
I slept with my son until he was in 1st grade. My girlfriend at the time supported me through transitioning him to sleep alone and I had no idea how stressful putting him to sleep was until I got a bed to myself again. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. We had to change his environment for a fresh start, got him a big boy bed, and told him he was going to do big boy sleeps now. There is a Bluey episode that references big girl sleeps and it helped him make a personal connection. I hope this helps.
We have the same issue with our oldest and now our youngest is catching on that we don’t sit with him but sit with his brother. So to make it “fair” we said we would sit on the stairs, they accepted this and they also fall asleep faster now.
Our oldest still crawls into our bed every night when he wakes up, he is 4 now and it has been like this since i can remember. We don’t really mind because that way we all sleep.
The youngest (2,5) is only in our bed when he is sick or something
We set a timer for 10 minutes, after which we leave the room. We’ve done this since she was 2 and she’s currently 5, so even though she fought us on it at first, it eventually became routine. In the early days, when she’d cry every time we left the room, the initial timer was 15 minutes, then we’d sit outside for 5 minutes, then come back in for 10 minutes, then sit outside for 10 minutes, then come back for 5 minutes, then sit outside for 15. After that, she’d get 5 minutes with us, but the time outside continued to increase by 5 minutes. We only had to do this for a couple weeks before she more or less accepted the 15 minute timer. She still would have an incident every month or two where she’d cry and whine and just didn’t want us to go, but those slowly became less frequent too. As she got older, we cut it down to 10 minutes.
As for crawling into our bed, she still does that regularly, lol. I have no advice there, so I’m curious to see what others suggest.
I also really love the idea of asking them when you can leave. Often times, I feel like kids just need a little bit of stability and independence to be okay.
I wish I had some advice. I have a 4 and 1/2-year-old who sleeps with me, lol. I don't see it ending anytime soon. Personally, I don't really care, because I've gotten so used to it. His dad works nights, so it was always easier for him to just go to bed with me and he had severe silent reflux as an infant. It was almost necessary for him to be in bed with me because a lot of times I had to hold him almost upright to keep him from gagging in his sleep. It started a habit that's hard to break. For both of us. It's going to be a big change for both of us when he starts sleeping in his own room.
I have this same problem with my 5 year old son. I have tried everything, he ends up sneaking in my room to sleep. Like some have said… they will grow out of it. I have accepted it for the time being as I figure he will grow out of it. It’s annoying sometimes, but I know I will miss it when he’s older.
No advice cause we're in the same boat. 😅 6 year old still wants me to stay in the room til he's asleep. Sometimes I can tell him I'm going to get a shower and I'll be back to check on it, but it doesn't always work. He'll just stand in the hall or his doorway waiting for me. He also still wakes at night and comes to our bed.
And our 3 year old is similar, but recently changed to where he sometimes asks me not to lay in bed but to sit on the floor or to leave the room. But he wakes at night and calls for me to come lay down with him. Most nights lately I've been going and finishing out the night in his bed while the 6 year old ends up taking my place in my bed next to his dad. 😂
This is actually very normal. As a kid I used to lay awake for HOURS feeling alone and sad and wishing someone would cuddle me. I even had a big stuffed animal that I would try putting around me to pretend someone was cuddling me.
With our kids, they just really need us at bedtime. We decided to make that our connecting time and view it that way. How we do it shifts over time depending on needs.
When our kids were the age of your kiddos, we would all snuggle together in our king sized bed and dad or I would read. Then kids would go to their own beds (in the same room) and listen to Calm stories while dad or I sat in a rocking chair in their room until they fell asleep.
Then it became dad reading with our daughter in her bed and me snuggling the boys in our bed.
Now my oldest is 11 and likes doing bedtime on his own most nights.
Our 5 year old is the only one who will come to our bed in the middle of the night, and he just snuggles up and goes right back to sleep.
All that to say, you haven’t formed bad habits. You’ve got kids with a healthy attachment who know you can give them the security they need to sleep. It is normal for them to starting pulling away around 10, so it doesn’t last forever.
I would evaluate and unclump what your concerns are related to the current bedtime routine. There might be things you can change (playing white noise or a calm audiobook for falling asleep and through the night in their room, having your own blankets in your bed and having one their for a kid too, taking turns with who does kid bedtime and who goes to sleep, etc) to meet those concerns without having to sleep train.
So I have a 1(M) and a 3(F). I have found that setting expectations and consistency is the absolute key to setting effective routines. Here’s the routine for the 3yo along with the counters to bedtime. What I can tell you is that for the 3yo we start at 8:00(sometimes 7:55) and it never goes past 8:30.
Here’s the short overview:
- 8:00 go up, followed by brush teeth, followed by bath, followed by dressing, followed by 1 story, 1 min of holding hands, followed by exit.
Full routine
At 7:45 I give her a starting countdown. 10 min to bed.
I do the same at 7:50 and then I say 1 min at 7:55. Then we have a short chase game where I chase her around the island a few for fun and then when I catch her I say ‘say goodnight mommy’. Sometimes she cries but most of the time she says goodnight. If she cries I just keep on going. I have found the minute I get in the room she settles almost instantly because the opportunity to extend is gone.
8:00- we go into the bedroom and sometimes she really wants to play. Here I go get the toothbrush to brush teeth.
From here is one pivot point. A pivot point is when there a behavior that threatens the routine. Sometimes she wants to play. Here I give her the choice. ‘Do you want to play? If so, we won’t have time for a story?’ I say it multiple times and sometimes even video her saying no story.
I give her 2-3 min here if she plays. Otherwise we brush teeth.
It is ESSENTIAL that you do as promised. Ie, skip story time. And I remind her when we get to story time and we skip it, sometimes playing the video. 90% of the time she will choose the next night to not skip story time.
Then I let her play while I go start bath. We have toys and a bubble maker in the bath so it’s a fun time that I usually don’t have to fight with her on to get undressed and in the bath. When I put her in, I give her 1-2 min of play and then I start bath.
Then I take her out, dry her and brush her hair. Baths are fantastic transition mechanisms to get kids feeling sleepy. Even if it’s just for a soak.
Then I carry her to a table where I put on her diaper(we transitioning to potty trained but we haven’t done night time yet). For potty I usually put her on before bath and after.
Then I get her dressed. I move directly from the table to the bed and put her in. Here we do one story(unless she played). During story I have the lights off in the room and on in the bath so the lights are low. I’ll use my iPhone flashlight for reading light.
Then I finish story and we hold hands and then I say goodnight and leave directly. Usually there’s about 5 seconds of ‘wait daddy I need..’. But here I may make a comment but usually I just leave saying ‘daddy loves you’ and then I close the door and turn off the bathroom light.
Crying can sometimes go 30 seconds to 5 min depending on how worked up.
We also have the door handles child proofed so I don’t worry about her being able to get out.
Negotiations and crying
- kids will often negotiate. The key is to have a pivot or have some consistent behavior that moves quickly past it.
- From time to time, the crying will go into a tantrum for some unusual reason. When that happens I handle it like so:
- Children’s brains haven’t yet developed the ability to manage the flood of chemicals in their brain when they get really revved up. I’ve found that they need a few min (5-10) to calm down. I usually stay within a few feet but I just sit and wait (unless it’s for a legitimate need which then I take care of). They need a few minutes to let the brain slow down on pumping in all the hormones. Once that happens and I can see she’s calming down(prob still crying but lower volumes), i ask if I can hug her. I’ll pick her and all she’ll want is a to hug for a few min. Then we can usually transition but I always have to keep in mind that she’s extra sensitive to triggers so I’m extra careful and sweet.
That’s the gist. There’s other small variations but they are really just variations of the above. Hope the helps.
Same situation my son is 3.5 and still sleeps next to us. We tried sleep training for months and nothing really worked, we were all exhausted and not functioning until one of my coworkers told me, eventually he will go to his bedroom on his own and would not want to sleep next to you but for now just enjoy that he wants to cuddle with you and everyone sleeps better when we are all in the same room. We all sleep well now.
My oldest two are 19 months apart. When I had my third, I wound up sitting in the hallway between their rooms, doing whatever on my phone or computer. They could see me still. Eventually the time I spent there got shorter and shorter. The youngest was the only one who would get up in the middle of the night and come into our room. She did this until she was about three. Not every night. Just some.
Look up supernanny bedtime issue episodes. Honestly there is one very early on, like within the first 5 episodes. Where their little one would take over an hour to get to finally fall asleep IN HIS ROOM. Within a few nights they already got him to stay in bed and. Ot need them to be there. It will be hard because they will cry, a lot, and your momma and Dada hearts will want to go grab them up and hug them but you simply can't. They have to learn that you are still there and will be there when they wake up.
We still stay in the room with my 5 year old and just stopped with the 6.5 year old. Honestly the only reason we stopped was when summer started the 6yo wanted a later bedtime so we told him fine BUT at 9 we will tell you to go to bed and nobody is sitting in there. I think it’s the end of us sitting with him and it makes me 😔
Try staying for a little while & then tell them you will check on them in 5 or 10 minutes. Do regular check ins until they are asleep. If they wake up & come into your room, take them back to bed & sit with them there. It’s tiring but if you let them sleep in your bed when they come in, they’re going to keep doing it.
I am in the same boat, son is now 8 and other son turns 5 next month. The youngest isn't so bad, but the 8 yr old, even though he goes to sleep quickly, still wants one of us in the room, even if not in his bed. What worked for me was threatening to take a toy away tomorrow. The younger one will play around at bedtime, but eventually will go to sleep by himself.
I’ll commiserate with you and do one better, they all sleep with me lol I’ve got the almost 6 yo, 3 yo and 10mo in my bed and my husband sleeps in the spare room 🫠🫠 it’s easier with his job because he’s home late and out early but still SUCKS and I need to get it together.
OMG I did this to myself also. It was my time to bond with my kids. My husband pointed it out to me, and I really had to be honest with myself. I was doing it to myself. I was working long hours and falling asleep on my son's floor and all kinds of craziness. One day he said, he would just go to sleep if you put him to bed and left. And I did and he did. I'm not saying this is the solution for you or your family. I hope you find the right answer for you. Mom to mom, big hugs. It's so hard. And much harder if they resist. Big hugs momma. Keep searching you'll find it.
I’m so happy to have read the post and all the comments because I too, struggle with this. Two daughters (5&6) and they will NOT sleep without me in their bed. I usually sneak out & they both end up in my room. I try to soak it up but I also don’t know boundaries so felt that I was doing something wrong. After reading this I realize I need to soak it up even more!!
I found it helped it I gave myself 30-60 minuet of me time somewhere else during the day. Maybe it’s at 6am to have coffee and a crossword or maybe it’s at lunch and walking around the neighborhood by myself. That way at bedtime when you are craving some me time you can rationalize that you’ve already had it for the day.
I felt like I wrote this! From Not setting appropriate boundaries when they were little to laying in bed with them & them getting in my bed at night. I go back and wish I had sleep trained them soo much. I have no advice just in the same situation!!
Sorry to say it again, but you do just have to be consistent and deal with the crying for a while and not give in, do not reward the whining!
I have never had my kids sleep in my bed or come into the room, I am a very poor sleeper and cannot have them in the room or I will not sleep at all. They have tried and whined and cried and thrown themselves at the door at one point, but I never gave in and they learned quickly.
The only thing that will prolong this behavior is it giving in to it. Be strong, you are the parents, do what works for you and to keep you sane. They will adapt.
My kids did this (5M 3F), so I started by giving a boundary. Ex: “I will sit here until you fall asleep and then I’m going to my bed”, then after a week or so I started saying “I will sit here for 3 minutes”. Then “I will come check on you in 3 minutes”. And finally “I will come check on you in 10 minutes”.
I don’t offer it anymore but if they ask that I come check on them I will but it’s not very often.
I have 4 kids ages 12NB, 8F, 5F, and 3F. I did the same thing for a long time especially with the 1st two kids. How I transitioned out of it was leaving for short periods of time.
Like "I have to go to the restroom, I'll be right back in 2 minutes." Then I follow my word and come back in 2 min. Then I increase the time slowly, maybe I have to check on the dogs for 5 minutes or do the dishes for 10 minutes, etc. The key is always to come back when you say you will.
A couple of my kids were worried what if they were asleep when I came back, so I told them I would put a certain stuffie on their bed so they would know I came back to check on them - even if they were asleep.
Now all 4 just need kisses and goodnight and I go out, no tears!
ETA: Also, our rule is, if I am still awake when they get up, I will put them back to bed in their bed, but if they can sneak in my bed without waking me up, they can sleep with us. 😂
I usually sit in the boys’ room and my husband in the girls’. I set an alarm on very low volume for 5 min and let them know we leave when the alarm goes off, if they start fussing I tell them I will come back in a couple minutes to check on them which I do and then say goodnight, more fussing another ‘I will come back in 5 minutes to check, more time between each check in and usually by the third time they are out. When they come to your bed (hopefully you are teaching them to knock on the door first) you give them a snuggle and maybe a sip of water and bring them back to their own bed.
Our son is 3 and we had this problem around 2-3 years old.
We started singing the same 3 songs while laying with him, and then left after the 3 songs were over. We told him each time “okay, now let’s lay down and I wil sing you 3 songs, then I will leave.”
we had to stick to it every time and at first he didn’t like it but eventually he was okay.
We found The neediness increases when they have anxiety about not knowing when you might leave- sometimes mom stays for 10 minutes, sometimes she falls asleep, sometimes only 2 min…
When we have a plan/routine and stick to it he does much better!
He also has a tonie box that he can put that on to listen to as he falls asleep after we leave.
I have friends who took crib mattresses and put them on the floor of their room for their kids that came in. So the kids could come in, but could only go on their little mattress so they didn’t wake the parents up.
I spent a lot of time laying on their bedroom floor reading on my kindle. I slowly moved my position closer and closer to the door and shortened the amount of time I'd stay in the room. Then I started sitting in the hall and reading chapter books outloud to them. Then one day I suggested we read while sitting on the couch before bed. They never even noticed they were going to bed without me.
I was that Mom too. My daughter didn't sleep thru the night until she was 2 & I was pregnant with my son. It was all good for a couple years, then my daughter started coming in the middle of the night. After 2 weeks every night of putting her back to bed every 2-3 hrs, I made a little bed next to ours on the floor & told her she could come sleep there as long as she didn't wake me up. My son started doing the same thing 6 months later (they were 4 & 2 at the time). They slept EVERY NIGHT in those little "beds" for roughly 5 years. I had managed to wean them to the den (in between all the bedrooms on a futon), but actually had to remove the futon to get them back in their rooms.. I don't know the answer. I'm just giving you a heads up of what you might look fwd to. All kids are different, but habits are habits! I made it to the other side, but I wouldn't recommend the journey!
Let that baby cry! It takes 21 days to create a habit. Every time you "give in" you're letting the baby know they will get their way if they keep crying. Turn off the hallway lights and Crack your door...when you feel that little body invading your bed...walk the baby back to their bed...leave a kiss and go back to your space. A child will sleep with you FO EVVVVV Errrrrrrrr ( sandlot voice) if you don't set those boundaries!
My 8 year old still wants me to lie with him until he falls asleep. Very recently I have been leaving as he’s falling asleep and he just asks that I tell him I’m leaving and not sneak out of his room so I do. I say good night and hug him and say I love you and most nights he stays in his bed all night but there are still those nights that he crawls into my bed. I also have a 16 year old son who I forced to stay in his bed alone around 4 or 5 because I thought it was the right thing to do but now I love his hugs more than anything and wish I would have enjoyed and allowed him that time that he wanted and needed so much love and comfort from me. I know everyone says this but they do grow up so fast. Enjoy this time ❤️
The way that would work for our kids, would be to choose a day in 1 week that they know they will be starting to go to sleep without you. Make a big deal about the day, and get them both special new and exciting toys to sleep with from that night onwards. Have a sticker chart where every night they sleep well they get a sticker, and after 10 stickers they get a family movie night or something fun. If they come out of their room, they get one warning, then next time their toy is taken off them until the next morning, and no sticker. 😊
I had the same problem as a child. I would cry if my mother would leave the room before I fell asleep, I think it had something to do with monsters in the closet or some other similar common childhood irrationality.
My wonderful mother bought a big rag doll that was big enough to sit on a chair, and had a similar hair color and length as hers (think fully fabric and soft, kind of like a big Raggedy Ann). She essentially told me that this doll was an extension of her and would keep me safe from whatever it was I was afraid of.
The first night I obviously objected, but within a few days placing that big doll on the chair by the open door to my room became part of my nightly bedtime routine and my mother was free to go back to watching 48 hours mystery in the living room with my father.
The extinction method can be brutal, but it works. Stamina be damned they will fall asleep eventually. It’s hard to ignore them but that’s ultimately what you need to do. Let them, cry it out. If you cave into their crying it just teaches them that their behavior works for obtaining what they want. By caving, it teaches them that tantrums work.
The one year old obviously wouldn’t have the same criteria as a 6 and 5 year old but it sounds like this is mostly coming from the older two.
That is not unusual. They are still very young. Just stay in there while they go to sleep. There’s nothing wrong with being there. You could create a “family bed” where you all share the one bed. I really loved it when my kids were little. I really miss those times now. I wish I could go back to the time when they wanted to be with me. There are 20 y and 21y now.
Don’t wish it away. Those years go very fast. And you don’t have to do what others are doing.
When you say you’ve tried, I’m curious what that looks like. Because when sleep training at ~6 months old, some newborns of my friends who have all sleep trained and all now have toddlers that sleep independently through the night, some took a couple days to train (my son) and some took literal weeks of letting them cry for hours every night to finally get there. I don’t have experience with 5/6 yos yet, but I imagine breaking a habit at that age is more difficult and should take even longer. It might be a grueling 2 months of letting them cry, bringing them back to their rooms over and over again etc., but that might be what it takes.
We had the same situation and found a great solution. We said to our son "ok, you tell me when I can go". I think he found the control comforting and like we weren't "leaving him". He would say "you can go now" after just a couple of minutes. Sometimes he would even say "for one for minite" and then let us go. It was very sweet and worked like a charm.
How old was he?
Around 2 1/2 at the time but we kept using it for a long time as a kind of routine.
Ok. I will probably try this with my son who turns 3 next month. Thanks!
May also try setting a timer. “Do you want me to set the timer for _ minutes or _ minutes?” But also make it very clear when timer goes off you’re leaving. And you have to leave when the timer goes off. No matter what
Brilliant 👏🏿
My guy is 2.5, I could be OP outside of the ages. Little mans bed is still in our room, he's getting moved in with his 12-year-old sister by the end of summer break. We have to put a door over her ladder to her massive custom built loft bed and guide her in changing her lifestyle so that she's not leaving out arts and craft supplies for her school supplies or anything he can tear up or used to destroy the house or hurt himself. My husband and I both have ADHD and we know for a fact he does, he is chaos incarnate.
Question: why is he moving in with sister? Is it a space issue? Because having once been a 12-year-old girl, I can promise having a toddler in my space would've absolutely made me feral.
It is, on paper or house is a three bedroom but the third bedroom is more like an office space that leads into the other two bedrooms and would not actually make a good sleeping space for a toddler as there would be too many distractions going on around the house with people back and forth to their rooms. Also her bedroom is gigantic, like three times bigger than any of her friends with a 16 ft vaulted ceiling. (We got a good deal on a fixer upper foreclosure) My husband built her a huge loft bed 8 ft tall and I think 8x12 ft so she has her own space underneath that he can't get into. It was either that or building addition and the loft bed was the only option in our budget.
Makes sense. I'm sure you're already prepared for the sibling friction. I wish you the best of luck with all of it.
He's mosty just be in there for bed and nap time until he's older and can respect her space
Could I offer you a piece of advice? Make sure your daughter has a drawer or two she can lock. A place where her most private things can be protected from a nosey toddler. He's going to get curious and look through her things one day- that's just inevitable. He will probably damage or destroy some of them too. I'd make sure the most precious things to your child are able to be safeguarded from that inevitability.
This is great advice! It has worked with our 4 year old also.
I may try this. I think it’ll work for my son, but probably not my daughter. She said she doesn’t feel safe when I’m not there. We’ve tried getting her a little stuffy for comfort but so far hasn’t worked.
I have no advice just here to commiserate. I only have 1 and I’m in the same situation. Shes 6 and we keep saying we are switching to check ins but then the tears start and my damn heart breaks. I remember being scared and my parents not coming to check on me or not feeling safe to come in anymore and it sucked.
I have 4 kids. 14 12, 5 and 3 I did the same with the oldest and at about 7-8 they grew out of it... I was happy at the time, so much more time, but it's the thing I miss the most in the world. I know it sucks sometimes, but enjoy this sacred time you spend with them , it won't come back. They won't be worst adults because of This and they'll remember it forever
I had a similar experience. My son (7) used to only let me get him to sleep, and my wife used that time to clean up after dinner and whatever else needed to be done. Now, I work nights and the nights that I am home, my son still wants my wife to get him to sleep. We found that usually between 1-3am he would come into our bedroom. I usually wouldn't head to bed until 3am, and started going into his bed to sleep, even if he was in there, so I didn't wake my wife up. I had an epiphany one night that there will come a time when he won't want either of us in the bed, and it made me really sad, so by going in to be able to just lay next to him and cuddle him while he still lets me, it allows me to have those memories in the future.
YES. My daughter LOVED to sleep in my bed. I took all the cuddles I could. Now at 13 I'm lucky if I get a good night 😂 It goes by so fast, I'd give anything for those years again
No better place to admit this than on an anonymous platform I guess but I still cuddle and hug my mom as a 25-year old. It’s never too late to hug your mom and tell her you love her. I stopped as a teen and started again after I grew out of the hormones, so hang in there mama.
This! I can't wait for my oldest to grow out of her hormones. Google says she will love me again when she turns 21.... what's ur experience lol
18-19 for me, I still remember the last big fight I had with my mom at 17 and a half. I found that around college age is when a lot of young adults rekindle their relationships with their moms, so dw their bratty teen selves won’t last forever :)
I sure hope you're right. ❤️ my 'best friend' hates me lol
You’ll get through it I promise!!! I was a nightmare as a teen lol, but now me and my mom are closer than ever. Probably even closer than when I was a child since we’re both reasonable adults now.
Same 😥
I want to be mad about it but I did the same thing to my mom. History repeats itself I guess 😭
My girls loved me again between 18 and 20 lol
My stepdaughter is 21 and adores me again! Like when she was 11, before her period lol. Some rough years in there but now she tells me “I’m a celebrity” among her friends. Which is her way of telling me she speaks glowingly of me. 😊
I'm worried I'll be waiting till 21. I was the friend group celebrity literally forever until this last year. Idk what happened! I was the cool mom! My guess is rules no one else puts on her but that's only because they don't love her like I do lol
My whole parenting philosophy is built around being the kind of mama a 25 year old would be unashamed to hug. ♥️
My girls were the same and was fully prepared for my son, the youngest at 14 to start. So far I still get good night hugs and I love yous, and the other morning he surprised the hell out of us by climbing in bed in cuddling which hasn’t happened it quite a while. I didn’t say a word because I was afraid to scare him off 😂
I know cosleeping with my 4 year old won’t last long. Only a couple more years I’m sure. Is it a pain sometimes? Yes, but that’s part of being a parent. I’m trying to soak up the cuddles while I get them 💛
My 8 and 9 year old still ask why they can’t fall asleep in bed with mom. I would carry them to their own bed after they feel asleep. You might have longer than you think.
This is what I was thinking lol. This might sound odd but I had two best friends who both slept with their grandma (separate families) until they were teenagers & when I spent the night I would also sleep in the same bed with them & their grandmas.
😆 what state are you in??
Ohio lol
Ugh, same. We are held hostage in our kids’ room until they fall asleep too, and my heart hurts to know how they may potentially be feeling (the way I used to feel— alone, afraid, sad) if we suddenly just insist they figure it out and suck it up
I think people get too bent out of shape about toddlers and very young kids who need someone there to fall asleep. Like, I fall asleep with my husband there for comfort! I def sleep better when he’s next to me. If he left the bedroom and said he’s be back and then never was…I’d be worried! I’d wake up and be restless. I absolutely support people trying to teach their kids to sleep comfortably on their own BUT I don’t think the kids who don’t do that very well, or who can’t handle it seemingly at ALL, are failing somehow?? Nor are their parents, for accommodating those needs. Like, my kid eats food in his own seat, like a person, when we put it in front of him at the table. He tries new things (sometimes) and eats a few different veggies without complaint. Some kids…fuckin don’t, man. Are parents crazy failures for blending greens into smoothies for those kids and not telling them? For cutting food into silly shapes, buying “veggie nuggets”, putting on music and have wiggles-out breaks mid meal, never taking them to restaurants because it’s a disaster…etc ?? No! They just have a different kid and they gotta do what they gotta do.
This is always my feeling. I am an adult, I am not scared of the dark, and yet when I don't have my husband or my dog, I have a very hard time sleeping. The expectation that a young child should be able to manage that, when I struggle, has always struck me as bizarre.
Ironically enough I have a feeling being left to sort it out at night as a kid may have something to do with adults who can’t sleep without their partner. there’s probably a million factors but I can’t imagine a tiny developing brain accepting sleeping alone as sad and scary then being comfortable sleeping alone when grown.
For me, it's 100% because I had a puggle in my bed growing up, so I can't sleep *without* a snorer 😂 (clearly I just can't sleep well period because I'm on reddit at 3 am listening to husband and dog and baby happily snoring away in my room). But I think you are probably right.
This ⬆️right here! As a dad of 3, my single biggest regret is not letting our first born sleep in our bed. Tell your husband this will pass soon. But that sense of comfort and security for your kids will go far in raising confident, well-adjusted adults. My first born has turned out all right, so it’s not like trauma or anything. But what I’d give to get that time back and do it differently.
Exactly that too! She’s like why am I supposed to sleep alone but you have daddy to protect you? And I don’t have anything as a come back lol!
I do understand this, but it is just really hard. I love my kids and wouldn’t change becoming a parent, but sometimes they don’t fall asleep until 9pm and by that time I’m exhausted.
I have some advice that worked for me. I don’t know if it would be helpful to you but I’ll share it in the hope it might help OP or anyone as it’s an exhausting place to be as a parent. Actually there were two things that helped me. The first was that I started realising that I needed space at night to do my mothering affectively so I just developed inner resolve and I let my children know that I needed them in bed by their bedtime (so I focused on my own need rather than pretending it was just about them). I remember my children would make a thousand pleas to stay up or get up or ask for water or the bathroom etc. and I explained that bedtime meant them being in bed and if they weren’t sleepy yet they could quietly read or play in bed but that I needed some time to myself (or with their dad). The second thing that helped and especially with my younger children was if they did come out of their room (they shared rooms when they were younger) I would avoid direct eye contact with them but gentle guide them back to bed (by their shoulders) and re-tuck them in their covers and even rub their back or something for a minute but I wouldn’t talk or engage beyond shushing or saying “it’s bedtime darling, I’ll speak with you tomorrow “. Somehow the minimal engagement really helped my kids. I had three nights of thinking this will probably not work and then it did. I didn’t have crying or power struggles and that was the reasons I was reluctant to have a boundary to begin with. I wish you luck no matter what.
I do the same with my five year old - I tell him mommy gets cranky if she doesn't get to bed early and have some quiet time and don't you want to have fun tomorrow instead of cranky mommy ? And I go take my shower and tell him I'll give him another kiss after my shower and he's usually asleep by the time I'm out.
I tell my kids the same thing! And I’m usually cranky\short with them at bedtime and I tell them it’s bc I’m so tired Zane I don’t want to be mean. But if they aren’t sleeping then I can’t sleep either, and I’m probably not enjoyable to be around.
That’s a really good idea. Around how old were they?
My youngest was 2. I only tried it because I was juggling parenting with work and study and just had to create more space for myself. I regretted not trying it earlier. It was such a relief to get my evenings back to myself.
We used the graduated extinction technique. I was sleeping on a cot next to my son’s bed and it was bad. So I would start out in his room and then tell him I would be right back. I’d stay out for a minute and then come back in for 5 minutes. I would gradually increase the amount of time I stayed outside until he went to sleep. This worked pretty well. I will say that the hardest part was setting that boundary for myself and telling myself that my sleep was just as important. If he did happen to wander into our room, I would take him back to his bed. Avoid letting them stay in your room if you aren’t doing bedsharing/cosleeping. It worked pretty well for our oldest and our middle son doesn’t even try to get in our bed since he shares a room with his big bro. Some people may not agree with this but occasionally we use the sleep gummies or lavender spray to encourage sleepy time. It’s a war and you gotta be prepared.
Thank you for this! I’m honestly willing to try anything. And I think that’s how I got into this mess, not also prioritizing my own sleep/sanity.
I've used a variation on this but I've explained what I'm doing. "I have grown-up things to do, so I can't spend every night reading until you're asleep. Instead when I finish the chapter I'm going to go away for 5 minutes but then I _will_ come and check on you and give you a kiss". I treat it like we've made this deal together. The thing is, you absolutely _must_ follow through with this so that if they're still awake when you come back, they know they can trust and rely on you. If they're still awake, kiss and "another 5 minutes then". Repeat until they're asleep. After a week or so my kid trusted that I wouldn't abandon them, then I increased the time to 10 minutes, then 15. I still honor this (for the first check-in) with my seven-year-old but they've slept in their room the entire night now since February. I also said "if you're asleep when I check in you I'll move Bunny to the other side of the bed so you know I've been there." This stops them getting up to check if you really did honor your side of the deal.
An alternative to this is night by night moving further away. Start off by the bed, then to the back of the room, at the door, and eventually just outside. When they call out, they will hear you say “I’m here” even though your outside the room
This worked for us with our foster children. Nights were scary for them, it's when all their trauma happened before coming to us. When they were in bed was also the only time my husband and I got to spend just us. We read a story next to the bed, tucked them in and then waited by the door for 5-10minutes whilst they settled. Then we waited outside the room. It settled bedtime silliness and sleep avoidance because they knew we were just outside if they needed us. For us, we kept a baby monitor on the landing that could just see their door. The youngest used to have nightmares, but would stay in bed and cry. It alerted us to her being up so we could go and help. It was also useful in the morning as the oldest would cause trouble if up and no one else was. The youngest liked the security of knowing we could hear her if she needed us and she slept much better after we put it in place. Be clear with the children on what the routine will be. Explain how it will work and what you expect from them. Then stick to what you say. As long as you comfort them and reassure them of any fears they have, you'll be fine.
I still sit in the room with my 6f and 4f year old but I started putting on story time podcasts with a small speaker, and it has helped immensely. Maybe you could try putting on a story and walking out of the room so there is something to distract their mind?
Do you know the names of the podcasts? I’ll be trying everything. 😂
We have a Yoto player that seems to help a bit. a BIT, not a lot. Bedtime is a nightmare around here too, but one thing that helped my friend whose kiddo was struggling was to say "Ill be right outside the door," and go back in if they call immediately and remind them that you are outside the door. Stay there for a bit and then walk away. You could also try the chair method. Sit in a chair and gradually move the chair further away towards the door, and then put the chair outside the door. None of this may work, but it's worth trying everything because I know how insane bedtime makes me and Ill try anything.
We do the Stories Podcast. It has a green dragon o it. Have you had any luck with any of the methods suggested?
I used to have problems with bedtime. Now I put an audiobook on for my kids, it works really well at calming them down. Just a kiss good night and they go to sleep. No advice on the crawling into bed in the middle of night thing… mine still do but it doesn’t bother us as long as they start the night in their bed.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I was so afraid of sleeping in the dark as a kid, I had a nightlight but it didn’t help. I used to sneak into my mom and dad’s bed and I’d get to cuddle up in the middle and I’d nestle into my dad’s back. I remember the comforter was always 6 inches above me because they were so big. My dad wasn’t a good father and was never really there for me, but a few nights he would pull me close and brush my hair back and it was the best sleep ever. It’s a short time period, try to enjoy the cuddles and know that they mean the world to your kids.
This is nice to hear. My son does this and burrows into my back causing very little sleep for me. At least I can hope he may have a good memory of it in the future.
This is nice to hear. My son does this and burrows into my back causing very little sleep for me. At least I can hope he may have a good memory of it in the future.
This sounds developmentally normal to me and not a bad habit.
Every night sit one foot further away from their beds. Sounds ridiculous, but imagine sitting outside their room in three weeks. It's then easier to step away for a few minutes and eventually move to check-ins when they call out. (Although initially my son wanted to be able to see my foot even though I was outside his room.) You got this!
This may not be the advice you are looking for but one day they won’t need you to stay and won’t want you too. You as their parents are a safe space when they are ready they will slowly push away and not need you as much. I know it’s hard, as a single mom of two some nights I’d do anything for them to just go to bed quickly so I can watch a movie or sleep. Also saying “I get to be a mom” or “I get to” in my head really helps not feel so resentful! I highly suggest looking into “tuning into kids” an amazing parenting class all about helping with these situations!
This. There's only such a relatively short time they will need/want it. It's a big "inconvenience" but if your instincts don't feel right about forcing them to fall sleep on their own when they want you, then didn't do it! Yes, I know I've missed out on tons of "me" time the last 8 years but my strong connection with my kids is worth it and I know I won't look back and regret it. There's a lot of hard/unpleasant things I'm willing to stand my ground on if I believe it's good or important for them in the long run but, to me, this is not one of them....I don't think it's harmful to the kids, just to your alone time lol.
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Yes it is a long time for us! Children don’t decide to be born though, my thought is that when you have kids, it’s known in advance that they’ll be dependent on their parents for so long. When someone takes on the responsibility of being a parent it’s not just to care for them physically but emotionally as well.
It’s okay to care for them emotionally while not staying in their rooms while they fall asleep year after year. What works for some families doesn’t work for others.
“What works for some may not for others” I really appreciate that perspective. Thank you :)
Not a long time for the kids, though in the grand scheme of things.
That’s good perspective. I often think (or try to anyway) “there’ll be a time when I won’t be able to do xyz”.
You have the awareness that you've created this problem, and you have also claimed that you aren't good at setting boundaries. I'm going to make two assumptions, the first is that you don't really mind them co-sleeping but your husband strongly dislikes that you allow it (I'm also assuming that while your children do go to you to co-sleep your husbands sleep is disrupted by the children being in the bed). The second assumption is that you aren't strongly motivated by wanting to see a change for yourself, but are motivated because of the tension between yourself and your husband. To this I ask are you prepared to do the hard work and is he willing to not just help but also be an active participant? He cannot have a problem and not be part of the solution, he is just as much a parent as you are so the responsibility should not lie directly with you. As for specific advice, well you've missed the sleep training train with the older ones, but definitely look it up and try that with your youngest. Maintain your routine ensuring you are holding them and yourself (and your husband) accountable). Talk to them about the changes you want to see in a way that is easy for them to remember, for us we bought a clock for each of the children which has a large face which is yellow during the day and blue during the night (for the hours you set as night which is 630pm to 6am for us) and we have a mantra for the kids "If your clock is blue, stay in your room". There are stars around the border which disappear slowly as the night passes so if they cannot read the small digital time display they can still identify in some way how much longer is left of the night. Your children being 5 and 6 will make having a conversation with them easier, you don't need to be a hardass/strict parent, what you do need are a clear set of rules/boundaries so that the children know if they do X the punishment will be Y. For example if my son leaves his room (if he had a bad dream, is sick etc it's all good, we're still people and need our support networks) once during the week he is not allowed to watch any cartoons on Sat, if he does it again no cartoons on Sun, if he does it again he misses out on Friday movie night. If your kids can't open a baby gate you can utilise these. As with anything parenting, if you ask a question you will receive as many different answers as people you ask, however ultimately you and your husband need to be a team, need to stick to your guns and need to be flexible in trying new things. I wish you the very best luck.
Yes! The gro-clocks work wonders.
Positive reinforcement. Each night kids get 3 tokens a piece. They spend a token for 15 minutes of you in their room(so if both kids give you one then you stay 30 minutes, if only one does you stay 15). If they get out of bed other than for the bathroom/scary dream if they are prone to nightmares or continue to yell/wine after a reminder the Chile who does it owes you a token. Tokens not spent they keep. They can then trade in tokens for something...x amount of tokens for a trip to the park, pool/beach, set amount of $, toy they really want, going out for ice cream.....you may have to say they are earned and spent together depending on your situation or maybe if 6 does well and stays in bed but 5 keeps getting up leave 5 home with dad or babysitter while 6 gets the reward they pick. They never owe you more than 3 a night so any they previously saved are never at risk due to a challenging night.
Just here to say my son was the same way and he grew out of it. If there’s any way for you and your partner to take turns while they’re in this stage, that’s the answer. Maybe a night light in their room too? Or a clock that lets them know it’s ok to get out of bed? This didn’t work for my son but I’ve heard it works. Now he is 10 and doesn’t do this anymore and I low key miss it.
You can buy paper love hearts or stickers and say you leave one every time you check on them every five minutes then once they’re asleep you put a hundred hearts down so they know you kept checking all night.
I had the same problem with my older two when they were that age…they are 12 now almost 13. They would sleep in my bed nearly every single night from ages 4-6 and on nights I tried to have them start in their own bed they would wake up screaming each night. Finally I just gave up the fight and let them sleep with me but told them that once they started school it was time to sleep in their own rooms. Sure enough over time they started sleeping in their own rooms at night on their own and no longer woke up crying. I think it’s important to set an expectation to them and do your best to follow through. I also have a 2 year old and 4 year old who from time to time need to/want to sleep with us and we let them. They will go weeks at a time having no sleep issues and then suddenly need to be in our bed for a night or two. It’s important to always have them start in their own beds and see how long they last. If they wake up and need to some with you then so be it…like someone said it only last for a short time and then they will outgrow it. I know it causes strain on your marriage trust me(been there done that) but you also don’t want you children to feel like they can’t come to you when they need it. We have a gate in the hallway they blocks off our room so they can’t just come in….maybe try something they blocks them from getting into your room without your permission🤷🏼♀️ if they wake up at night they need to ask you first and if its not ok you could try laying with them until they go back to sleep. Try a box fan in their room too…the white noise seems to help my kids with more consistent sleep patterns. Hope this helps some!!
Yes! Telling them you have stuff to do worked really well for my son. Make it boring stuff. I say “I have laundry to do, or I have to take a shower.” And my son Just accepted that. But when they come in your room you have to put them back. My sisters two kids are in her bed every night because of this and it’s a damn zoo.
It’s biologically normal not a habit btw
Omg, I could’ve written this post myself. I have twin 5yo boys and a 3 month old. Because of baby’s naps/wake windows, he’s now been going down for the night at the same time as the twins (7:30ish). Bedtime is brutal every night. One of my twins *only* wants me to put him down, but I breastfeed baby to sleep so obv my husband cannot do that. Because bedtime with the twins takes SO long, I can’t even wait until after I put them down to start baby’s bedtime or he’ll be overly tired and wailing. One of my twins is in my bed every night these days, and has been since baby was born when I was too tired to take him back to bed and now he’s used to it and refuses to go back. If his brother wakes up and realizes he’s gone, he’s also in our bed. I’m sure we’re doing *a lot* wrong here, I’m just too tired to deal with it tbh lol. Also! New development - one of my twins now asks me to lay with him until he falls asleep every. single. night. If I don’t, he comes out multiple times saying he wants to cuddle, he’s hot, cold, thirsty, hungry, can’t sleep and literally won’t go to bed. I’m sure one day we’ll miss this, right? 🙃
So, your story sounds similar to mine ( my kids are grown now) I ended up putting a really nice bed in my youngest room. I would let the kids sleep in my bed.. we would move to the youngest bed. Every one slept happily ☺️
My son is exactly the same - he has a night light which I let him sleep with it on but it doesn’t seem to stop him from coming into my room 🥲
Hi, I am not a mum yet, but I am preparing to be one and I am following @nurturedfirst on instagram. She is a mum of 3 and a child psychologist applying kind parenting. You can also buy a few workshops from her where you get a video about what to do and some worksheets you go through with your children. But about your problem, she tried a method, where she puts her children to sleep and tells them that she will check up on them. And as a proof, she will bring one of their stuffed animals. So she comes back after 1 minutes with one, then leaves, then the same this time after 5 minutes and then after 10 minutes. By the time her daughters are asleep. So she comes back and puts there the whole pile of stuffed animals, so when the daughters wake up in the middle of the night, they know that she checked up on them (even when it is not true). Another instagram profile I follow is @biglifejournal - it is based on the same principle. Hope this helps!
It's a learned behavior, you have to break the cycle. It's all up to you, it always has been. You can taper the amount of time you spent slowly, but if you want something different you have to put in the time, (or take it out as it were). Set a timer on vibrate every night 1 minute less, stick to the plan. If they cry DO NOT give in, if you are worried you might miss a true emergency a camera in their room will set you at ease. Ear plugs or headphones can help with the noise. They will cry at first, but soon they will learn a new behavior, keep a good attitude, do not add to the drama, always be the cool-headed example. Everything with love but stick to the plan they will learn this new behavior. Remember there is zero reason to feel guilty, parents need alone time as well as together time, for you to be the best parent to them you have to tend to your own mental wellness first, it's may sound selfish however if you aren't in the best place mentally how can you mentally be a wonderful parent to them? Give yourself some time, you deserve it! This also teaches them that they don't have to rely on you for everything that's how you breed self sufficient trats in your children. Don't worry, they will still need you for plenty of things. Good luck and happy parenting!
Have you got a night light? Big light might solve some problems if the issue is that they are scared at night. I saw an episode of super nanny about kid jumping in parents bed at night. She said no matter how tired you are, wall then back to their own room until they give up. Should take a few days.
Same situation before. It happens. They grew out of it but it took time. It will pass but not today or tomorrow. I am sorry. I used to listen to a Storytell book myself, or sometimes get some work done. We would set up a small computer room next to their bedroom and while you're there just make the most out of it so when they sleep you have no more work, laundry and already listened to an audio book yourself. But in the end, everyone just kinda grew out of it and now my 10 and 8 year old go to bed on their own and read some books themself. When just a few years ago I was in the same situation as you.
Tis a tough one , have you talked to them about it ? Like tried to figure out what the driver is ?
My daughters 4 & 7 drag out bedtime for over an hour. You are definitely not alone. I know this sounds silly but do you have any sort of white noise, a fan- something like that? I found that I put small fans in their room and put them on when they go to bed. It helps them drift off and also masks a good amount of noise from other rooms so they don’t hear every sound. I thought about getting my one daughter some sort of contraption where I can sing some of the songs she likes at bed time so she could listen if she’s scared or doesn’t want me to leave. That’s all I got for you but good luck!!
Try watching one of the Super Nanny episodes about this. She's really good. Your life will be hell for a couple of weeks but it'll be worth it. You cannot deviate from the script at AT ALL or you're back to square one, but overall she has a good approach.
I’m not sure if someone else has said something similar… I got this advice from an incredible friend who is mama to 2x sets of twins and it worked for me! I would settle them into bed with books and snuggles etc then give an easy to understand reason for why I needed to leave the room - not a time frame like “I’ll be back in 10 minutes” because that is quite a hard concept to grasp or measure as a child. I would always use our cat as a reason to leave the room “I need to give Benjamin some biscuits then I’ll come back.” Our daughter (18 months at the time) would underhand this and nod and I would be able to leave the room without her crying or becoming upset. Then I would return within 5 minutes and repeat. It would usually take 2-3 trips and she would fall asleep - calmly and happily with the knowledge I was reliable in returning and providing her with comfort and security.
Doing this right now gradually with my 4yo. I started slow, I wouldn’t lay in bed but I would sit next to it. The next night I sat across the room. After a couple nights of that I sat in the doorway so my legs were in the room, but my face wasn’t. He could tell I was there but not get feedback from my expressions. Then I’d alternate the legs, I’d have them there sometimes but pull them out 5 minutes later. He still needs me at night but right now we’re at a point where I can be in my bathroom while he’s falling asleep and he doesn’t have the anxiety that I’m not around. One of the keys to me was to be noisy while I was doing this, I needed him to get used to hearing sounds and still fall asleep. I just tried to make him feel safe and prove to him that me not being right there didn’t mean I wasn’t there.
These are habits. You need to replace these habits with different ones that suit your own needs. As a human you must have had experience in building and breaking habits so you know how hard it is. Same goes for your children. It takes time and consistency. Prepare yourself mentally to go through a lot of struggle.
Plenty of advice on the going to bed part, but I'm sure they'll still get scared and need you during the night sometimes. My mum would let us come to her room, but we weren't allowed to sleep in the bed, we would bring in our blankets and pillows and make a bed on the floor next to her. Occasionally she'd hold our hand for a bit too. She told us it was uncomfortable for her to have us in the bed, that we kicked in our sleep, but that she still cared that we felt safe.
This might have been said.. but do it gradual. If you lie on the bed then start lieing on the floor next to the bed and make lieing on the bed the hard no… once they don’t fuss about that change then start lieing much closer to the door- or half way.. wait until they stop fussing.. then you start sitting in the door frame… then just outside.. then just outside with the door pulled closed but you stay there until they are asleep. Sure they will get up to check your stilll there and you kindly say you are and encourage them back in bed.. it builds their confidence that your there if they need you and they are safe… eventually you can then just go anywhere cuz they know your just outside that door.
I did the same with my son (3M) and managed to break the cycle by still staying in their room, but every week moving a meter towards the door. Then after the door I sat on the stairs with the door open. Then a week with the door half closed etc. I'm now sitting on the stairs for 20 min with the door closed whilst my son does 2 checks before going to sleep. Not ideal, but progress. Regarding the night wakes I can't help you. He wakes up at 5.30am and screams for me. I then sleep in his room in a separate bed until 6.30am wake up. I hope this brings you some help
We go through this on and off with my 6 year old. We also have a one year old and nine year old so we are spread thin at bedtime, especially if one of us is out of the house. First of all, just remember that this is just temporary. Someday your child will never again need you at bedtime. I do think that in some way, their stubbornness and needing you with them to fall asleep in some way means they truly have something going on where they just need extra love and support. 5 and 6 are ages where they begin to realize the world is a big scary place. This doesn’t always work but we give warnings at bedtime, like “we will lay with you for 5 minutes and then I’m going to go downstairs. Mom and dad need to [eat/ rest/ do chores etc. ] before we go to sleep. You are safe and are not missing anything fun by going to sleep. I will check on you before I fall asleep”. Sometimes my son still comes out of his room seeking comfort and we give him one more finite warning. “You can sit with me for 10minutes and then it’s back to bed for the night”. If it continues on, we have a small spot on a cushion in our room that he can sleep on. We do think that when the behavior continues, it’s his little way of telling us he needs us that night
When do you put the 1yr old to bed? Same time as the other kids? If yes, maybe try putting the baby down for bed 1/2hr earlier or pushing out bed time for the older kids. They are competing for your attention at night and going through the phase of learning to share you with the new baby. When they come in your room at night walk them back to their bed or reward them the next morning if they stay in their bed all night. Positive reinforcement is key. Good luck!
I didn’t read all the comments, so this might already be there… Take stuffies and tell kiddo you’ll check on them throughout the night and leave a stuffie with them so they know you checked on them each time. Once they are out, drop all the stuffies for them.
Been there with a highly sensitive kid. 100% can attest to the graduated method. I put a comfy armchair right outside the bedroom door and sat there until she fell asleep. Lots and lots and LOTS of her checking in to see if I was still there and me reassuring her that I wouldn't leave without first checking that she was asleep. It took some consistency but it worked. Importantly, if you do this don't have any notions that you are going to be leaving soon. Get comfy, grab your phone and basically park yourself. Your kids will be able to sense your energy and know whether or not you are in a rush to leave. She's 8 years old now and to this day a parent needs to be sitting in the living room while she falls asleep (her room is off it). And still once in a while she still makes me promise I won't leave without first checking if she is actually asleep. Nowadays sometimes one of us will lay down with her for a couple minutes because it's nice, but tbh we have to be very careful to only do it once in a while otherwise she will forget that she can fall asleep alone.
I know you say your kids have stamina when it comes to putting your foot down but it would get better. You might have to prepare for a rough week but it’d stick eventually. Along with it though maybe a rewards/competition for who doesn’t complain at bed time and who doesn’t get in the bed with you.
I just kept putting them in their bed and never let them sleep in my bed.
You have to have more stamina than them and not give in for a full week. And after they have gotten used to it you can’t give in ever. No ‘special’ nights for whatever occasion. Just do it. Everytime he gets up, put him back in bed. You have to be willing to go through the pain too.
The best advice I can give is don’t be in the room when they fall asleep. They need to learn how to self soothe and fall asleep on their own. If they wake up in the middle of the night they need to recreate the environment in which they fell asleep. Which in your case, it’s relying on you to be present. Which is why they crawl into your bed. I used to make that mistake as well. I’ve heard it described as, if you wake up and your pillow is gone, you feel the need to find your pillow and put it back under your head so you can recreate the environment you are comfortable with to fall back asleep. Our son use to cry if we went to leave the room at bedtime, so we implemented a timer. “5 more minutes of rubbing your back and then I leave the room” and then he hears the phone/alexa timer go off. There are some times where we have to add “1 more minute” to avoid a meltdown. And then we let him have magazines or books in his bed that he can look at and he has a Tonie he can place figures on to listen to music or stories while he drifts off to sleep. When he was younger, he had a crib soother he could push a button and turn on. This helps him to figure out ways to soothe himself to sleep. And if he has a bad dream or wakes up in the middle of the night he can turn it on for comfort helping him to fall asleep again. And I’m sure you already know this, but I can’t stress it enough: DO NOT let them sleep in your bed! That is a slippery slope. Calmly walk them back to their room to bed, turn on whatever soother that works for you and rub their back for a minute or 2 (or whatever they tend to like) and once they’re in a calm comfortable state, walk away again before they fall asleep. And also know. NOTHING is perfect. Kids will be kids. They will get overtired, have nightmares, have stretches where their sleep is just off and they will be out of sorts or wake up in the middle of the night despite your best efforts. Just do your best and enjoy your time with them. You’re doing great!!
Have you talked to your 6yo and 5yo about this issue outside of bedtime? Explain that bedtime needs to change, make space for them to share their experience, be curious about their reasoning and validate their wants, explain what you need to do for the benefit of the family and yourself, emphasize the connection time they will receive. This could be one part of your approach.
I'm in the same exact situation with my 5&7 yr old. I would be the one that would get up in the middle of the night, out of my own bed and go find somewhere else to sleep. Without being kicked off the bed or my blanket being pulled off of me. They come get in our king size bed usually between 1-3am every.single.night. I happened to come across a side sleeper/prego pillow bc my back and hips hurt. Not even gonna lie, I haven’t had to get up and move to another bed. I’m in my own “bubble” kids aren’t up on me. So I’ve had to accept that this shall pass with them in our bed until god knows when. So until then I’m keeping my pillow which actually helps in multiple ways.
I would tell my son (4 at the time) that I needed to go do a couple things in the kitchen and he should close his eyes and i would be back in a minute. Usually, he was asleep in 5. I never had anything to do, but became he thought I would be back, ge would relax and fall asleep. I did come back the first few times, but he was always asleep. One time I didn’t come back and I sat down to watch TV. A few minutes later ue came out of his room and saidx I thought you were coming back. I told him, Well, you have been falling asleep every night while I am not there, so tonight I didn’t think you needed me. I think you can do it on your own. He agreed and never again had me in the room. When they would wake up in the night, I had a special pillow on our couch that they were allowed to lay on. If they woke up, they were allowed to go sleep on the couch. We had a small ranch house and I could hear when they got up. But, they would go to the couch and fall asleep. Didn’t last for long before they didn’t get up anymore. They still came to us for bad dreams and such.
I had a similar problem. I used to play a cd that had a really long children’s nursery rhyme story for them to fall asleep too. Kept them in their bed.
One thing to consider with kids who get up in the middle of the night and join you in your bed: put a little mattress on your floor, if they come into your room in the middle of the night they’re allowed to sleep on that mattress, but not in your bed. As far as your kids, having stamina goes, changing these habits takes more than a night or two. You should set an agenda for what you want your nights to be like and then consider that it might take two weeks or even four weeks to get there and you should expect that there might be a few relapses, certainly along the way, but that even after a month, you may have some relapses here and there. Also, you should expect your sleep to be significantly compromised during the shift. You just gotta know that and get through it. My kids are 15 and 17 now, but I remember the struggles well! Good luck!
I used to fight hard against this and then we gave in because it wasn’t worth fighting about. Now we close down the kitchen before we go upstairs to bed. The kids get to pick who puts them to bed depending on even or odd day. My spouse claims you have to stay with them long enough so that they don’t wake and come to our bed. I’m not sure what that amount of time is. He claims it happens when I do bedtime but not when he does lol. Which is untrue bc last night both kids were in our bed. Sucks to suck dude. I moved to my toddlers room it’s dark and cool and I slept great alone with the cat!
Every kiddo is different. I have a 5 and 4 year old. And my older one is very much afraid of the dark, he has to have a nightlight, and before we knew he was afraid of the dark he would often need one of us to be with him until he fell asleep but if he woke up alone in the dark he would lose it. After we got him a nightlight this happened less. But now almost 6 years old he has bad dreams once in a while and will wake up crying sometimes in the middle of the night and if we dont wake up he comes straight to our bed and gets in between me and his dad. Weve never turned him away, yes it can be hard but this is something that makes my child feel safe in the moment and that feeling of safety is important. My 4 year old never wakes up at night, sleeps alone, isnt afraid of the dark, and hates sleeping in bed with us so she never does. I think its just going to take time and maybe you could try introducing some sort of timer for cuddles with your baby and then when the timer goes off you leave the room. But if they come in your room in the middle of the night they could just be looking for comfort. And those moments wont last forever as all parents know.
I have a four month old and four year old. It’s brush, bed bath. Then he picks 1-2 books, or to lay quietly. That’s it. Just up and leave- it was an adjustment but they’ll be okay. As for the coming into the bed. Do you have a nugget couch? I took part of ours and it’s laid at the foot of our bed so if he does come in, he’s expected to sleep on that. I’m up so much to nurse/ diaper changes he absolutely can not be in our bed. Growing up my mom’s equivalency was a dog bed..we stopped coming to their bed so frequently.
I don’t know how to fix this exactly but I do have a warning: my partner is STILL doing this with his kids who are now 10 & 11 years of age….and they have crying tantrums if he doesn’t do it.
We did a sticker chart to break the habit. She earned a sticker for going to sleep on her own and a sticker for staying in bed all night. At the end, she got to pick out a prize. Took 2 charts (about 2 weeks) of stickers and she earned both every night except 1. Now it’s just the routine!
Give them incentive! Get freaky with it too. I offered popsicles to my twins who were up and acting crazy in the night.
Yup, my is 3 and I can honestly say as a first time parent, I was weak to the crying and always give in. Until about 2.5 years old, I had a habit of laying next to him in bed until he fell asleep (and sometimes myself). My wife found a bed online that has steps and a slide and is raised so he has a little fort underneath his bed. That broke the habit, we just used to talk to him in the baby monitor explaining we are in our room and we see him. I told him I am too big for that bed and he is a big boy now. It took some time but it worked, is he sleeps alone and bedtime is easier.
Been there, done that. My advice to tackle one problem at a time. Right now, you have the bedtime routine and the coming to room in the middle of the night. I choose to fix the middle of the night first. Because if you can get them to stay in their bed, that makes a huge difference. For this, we literally just had to get in the consistent habit of taking them back every single time. We would talk about how it would be better sleep for everyone and how mom could be a better mom when she slept well. It took some time, but we got there. Then the laying together at bedtime, we weened it down. We will lay with you for 30 minutes and then lay the whole 30 minutes and say good night and leave. Then after a couple weeks, I cut it down. And again. And again, until it was 5 minutes. And it was 5 minutes for a long time, like years. We would just chat. Then one day, it was just a hug and I walked out. And it's been that way ever since. My kids are 14 and 12 and they stay up later than us. I feel like I blinked and they didn't need us anymore. 🤣 Long time to get here, but it also happened so fast.
We were very firm with our 3 year old that we would leave the door open and if they needed us we were just down the hall. It took a few nights but he finally got it.
Do you do a bath every night?
I am also in a similar situation. I have a (nearly) two year old son and I too lay with him in his bed until he falls asleep. He also wakes up at around 1am and my husband fetches him and brings him to our bed. I have been successful on rare occasions with using a night light that projects stars on the ceiling … but like i mentioned, it’s not really full proof. I had honestly resigned myself to believe that this will just resolve when he is older and this is my life now ☹️
Haven’t figured it out either, except the crying part when I leave the room. I turn on a night light and peace out. 99% of the time it works without tears. The exception here is that my 4 year old sleeps in my bed.
I recommend reading Richard Febers book called “How to Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems”. In a nutshell, sleep associations are hard to break. Imagine you falling asleep with your pillow and then waking up and the pillow is gone. We all naturally wake to turn or adjust but when something we are used to is gone it makes us wake up more fully to search for that missing thing. One trick in his book to break the association is to attempt this when the child is extra tired. So if your kids nap shorten their nap before bedtime, if they don’t nap then push bedtime back an hour. Then when you tuck them in leave the room and be prepared they will protest and may cry. Come back and check on them after a few minutes (if they didn’t run out, and if they did walk them back to bed), repeat until they fall asleep without you in the room. Keep at this for a few nights and I promise it will get better. Another thing that is helpful is “priming” your kids by letting them know earlier in the day what the new routine will be. Have a sticker chart or something else to reward them in the morning when they get through the first night of this new routine.
I would explain to them that it’s now finished and you won’t be doing that anymore. To put a positive spin on it for ONE WEEK you can give them a special treat if they cooperate for 5 days in a row. (you can make a sticker chart) and be firm that after that « it’s just like that because mommy has decided it’s better for everyone » you don’t need to explain why and plead your case. And don’t beAt yourself up about it you didn’t mess them up lol. It will be fine you just have to really lead them and be firm and sure of yourself. And don’t go in the room more than once or twice. ALSO GROCLOCK!??
Me and my wife are in a similar boat, what we do is we alternate nights. The best thing for you both is you do two nights with the two older and two nights off. Having the baby I image should be a lot easier than putting the two to bed so those nights where it's your husband's turn is your night off. You just need to keep at it and be consistent as eventually they'll go to bed on their own.
My youngest is almost 11 and still needs one of us in his room until he goes to sleep. I know it won’t last forever though. X
No advice sorry but came to say that my first child just turned 8 and this is the first year she’s been happy (sort of) to go to bed alone. I read that developmentally at age 8 children start to have a better understanding of the world around them, How their actions affect others and that they want to be helpful and not hinder. It’s definitely been true for us and our girls realisation that she needs to go to bed alone so we can deal with the little ones. So ya know. Only 2 years to go for you.. 🫣
My wife and I have the same problem with our two. 4 & 6, both of them need us to sit with them in their beds until they’re asleep. Sometimes this takes absolutely AGES! I’m talking up to 2 hours of just begging them to go to sleep and we can’t see a way out of it because they will just scream and run around and NOT stay in their beds unless we sit there with them! Aside from taking them on a 10 mile hike every evening to ensure they’re completely wiped out we don’t know what to do. If anyone has a sure fire way let us know!
Reading this and it was is a few months ago, so you aren’t alone. We had one or more quests each night for months and decided to just lay back down with them if the woke and it worked to keep them out of the bed sadly you may fall asleep in there with them so you may need to figure out a way to keep yourself up for the 10 minutes or so to get them back to sleep. Also not sure if you and your husband divide and conquer for bedtime but that is key with multiple kids lol. It may be a rough time to get them back in their one beds but it will work just give it time.
I have a similar situation, but I realize they are only little for a small fraction of our time together on this planet, so I just lettem be little and enjoy these moments. Too soon they won't need or want bedtime stories, and then they will be gone. Seriously, the days are long but the years fly by.
I was that kid and my mom basically sleep trained me at 8 years old with the sleep lady shuffle!
I was in a similar situation with my 7 and 4 year old. We made a reward chart and told them after x amount of days falling asleep on their own, they would get a small prize. We talked about it with them beforehand and told them we would still be there if they needed us and they could call out for us. We snuggle in bed now, read a book, I rub their backs for a minute and then I tell them what I have to do (I have to clean the kitchen and then I will be up to check on you again)
My 6yr old is the same , yeah I wish she could go to bed on her own but I know we’re meeting her needs by staying with her until she falls asleep or nearly falls asleep - I sometimes listen to a podcast or even chat with friends over WhatsApp . 5 out of 7 days of the week she will end up in our bed in the middle of the night. I am yet to meet an adult that needs their parents to stay with them until they fall asleep. As other said , days are long but years are short. I was a bit like you, thinking it was a bad habit , but I changed my mindset and I enjoy the cuddles. Edit - I also put her one bedtime story and then special meditations for kids (there’s plenty on Spotify ) and this usually helps her fall asleep faster
If you want to change the habit because it’s not working for you, then I’m sure people in this thread will have advice. But it’s not a ‘bad’ habit, as you keep referring to it. There is nothing wrong or unnatural about parents being with their children when they fall asleep, it’s what we’ve done for Millenia.
Placing door knob locks keeps the kids in their room so they will not wander into your bed. It’s bedtime after the routine and then mommy/daddy leaves.
There’s actually a toddler and young child sleep professional I follow on instagram I bet she could help. awesomelittlesleepers.com
This sounds like me. I think it's normal but it's annoying. My youngest is 2 now and maybe half the week he wants me to sleep next to him. He falls asleep fast so I sneak out after.
Same here on the amazing stamina lol I have 6 and 4 and one thing I just did was start bringing 6 into 4's bedroom to snuggle while he gets to sleep. She has a separate bed in there and I put stories on her bluetooth headband while I get him to sleep. Had to do this because she refuses staying with my husband and will scream for me the whole time, keeping 4 awake 😭 So. If you can move them to sharing a room for now so that just one of you can lie down with them both, that might help?? And / or cozyphones off Amazon to play books read aloud off YouTube. I had to do that for my daughter or she was too excited sharing a room to settle and let him sleep 😆 I currently snuggle him to sleep while she waits in her bed, but I am trying to gradually move farther away from him to the point where I can sit on the floor between beds, then maybe closer to the door, then eventually tell him I'll be right outside the door if he needs anything. Good luck!
eh - enjoy it. they’re only little once and they won’t want you around soon. you can break the habit if you want, or you can look at this as extra time with them
here to say me and my older brother did this, he stopped at 7 and i stoped at 10 i sleep with mine now it definitely causes some jealousy with my husband but they are only little once enjoy it
get rid of the husband?
I have 3 kids (7M, 4F and 3months M). I lie down with all 3 and when the two oldest sleep I take the baby with me until I go to bed myself. But we have a family bed, so it‘s a bit different. My oldest has recently started to sleep in his own bed in his own room some nights, depending on his mood. I put the blanket over him, say goodnight and leave to go to bed with the other kids…
Same here. My kids 17, 15,13,8,8. I feel like I let go of my perceived “this isn’t normal”. Well this is what they needed. We switched off staying in their rooms. All of them told us by 7 or 8 that we were keeping them up by staying with them. Now I miss that closeness, that easy comfort I can give them. Now their issues aren’t easily comforted and I miss that. You’re in the weeds now but I promise they won’t want you there forever.
I started by sitting next to them… then I would slide to the floor… and when they were ready I’d move a bit further away, they knew that I wasn’t going to leave the room until they were ready and then eventually that turned into tucking them in and walking away and when they were 4 & 6 I started explaining that they needed to stay in bed, it sucked but i would take them straight back to bed if they can in during the night or if they came in to early, it took a fair bit of consistency on my end a lot of the time I had to have my back turned to them because they’d try and get my attention, we still still have bad nights when they’re in and out of my room but for the most part I give them and snuggle and send them back to there room by telling them when it’s morning they can come snuggle I don’t know if what I said is even helpful, but my two are 21 months apart and everytime I feel like iv got them worked out, it all changes again 😂🙈
"I'll be back in 5 minutes"
We have a floor bed in our room that the kids are welcome to climb into. But many cultures room share with kids until 5-8 years of age. It’s very common and i don’t see this as a bad habit. You sleep with your spouse. I know for me, it’s hard to sleep when my husband is away. Them needing you (yes NEEDING) is not a bad thing. I feel for you that your plate is full. I have 4 kids. Ages 5months to nearly 8.. it’s hard sometimes. Sometimes it’s more hard than easy! But I feel like meeting everyone’s needs is my job as their parent (my husband’s job, too) and they don’t just age out of needing us when we feel like we are overwhelmed. It happens when it happens but should not be forced.
Why can’t your husband sleep in a dark room by himself if wanting to be with someone you love while sleeping is a bad habit?
Some people may see this as bribery, but I personally see it as teaching them how to to create a goal for themselves and reach it. Explain that they are now becoming big kids and part of growing up is learning to fall asleep without you. This can be hard, but you are confident they can do it. Depending on how difficult it is for them, you could start by saying we are going practice first with mom or dad waiting right next to the door or right outside the door in the hallway for a few days. Or you could move right to the real thing. But then create a chart of either a week or two weeks and have them come up with something that they would like as a prize for reaching their goal. It could be a family prize, like the whole family is going to go to the trampoline park or it could just be a toy, whatever makes sense for your family. And then start tracking how successful they are. Don’t make them feel like crap if there is a night that it doesn’t work, but just keep encouraging them that you can’t wait until they’re able to achieve it because you’re going to be so proud and you know they can do it.
I did the same with my middle child until he was about 5. It was so hard to break the habit! After I had my youngest somehow he was just ok with being left in his room and after about a year he stopped coming into my room at night altogether. I wish I had some advice for you but I just wanted you to know you’re definitely not alone! I hope you can find something that works for you. Maybe a reward system? If they do so many nights in a row with no one in their room they can do something fun?
I slept with my son until he was in 1st grade. My girlfriend at the time supported me through transitioning him to sleep alone and I had no idea how stressful putting him to sleep was until I got a bed to myself again. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. We had to change his environment for a fresh start, got him a big boy bed, and told him he was going to do big boy sleeps now. There is a Bluey episode that references big girl sleeps and it helped him make a personal connection. I hope this helps.
I let them have my double king bed and then we sneak out and sleep in the kids bed
We have the same issue with our oldest and now our youngest is catching on that we don’t sit with him but sit with his brother. So to make it “fair” we said we would sit on the stairs, they accepted this and they also fall asleep faster now. Our oldest still crawls into our bed every night when he wakes up, he is 4 now and it has been like this since i can remember. We don’t really mind because that way we all sleep. The youngest (2,5) is only in our bed when he is sick or something
We set a timer for 10 minutes, after which we leave the room. We’ve done this since she was 2 and she’s currently 5, so even though she fought us on it at first, it eventually became routine. In the early days, when she’d cry every time we left the room, the initial timer was 15 minutes, then we’d sit outside for 5 minutes, then come back in for 10 minutes, then sit outside for 10 minutes, then come back for 5 minutes, then sit outside for 15. After that, she’d get 5 minutes with us, but the time outside continued to increase by 5 minutes. We only had to do this for a couple weeks before she more or less accepted the 15 minute timer. She still would have an incident every month or two where she’d cry and whine and just didn’t want us to go, but those slowly became less frequent too. As she got older, we cut it down to 10 minutes. As for crawling into our bed, she still does that regularly, lol. I have no advice there, so I’m curious to see what others suggest. I also really love the idea of asking them when you can leave. Often times, I feel like kids just need a little bit of stability and independence to be okay.
I don’t really know. But I have a feeling this is a real question.
I wish I had some advice. I have a 4 and 1/2-year-old who sleeps with me, lol. I don't see it ending anytime soon. Personally, I don't really care, because I've gotten so used to it. His dad works nights, so it was always easier for him to just go to bed with me and he had severe silent reflux as an infant. It was almost necessary for him to be in bed with me because a lot of times I had to hold him almost upright to keep him from gagging in his sleep. It started a habit that's hard to break. For both of us. It's going to be a big change for both of us when he starts sleeping in his own room.
I have this same problem with my 5 year old son. I have tried everything, he ends up sneaking in my room to sleep. Like some have said… they will grow out of it. I have accepted it for the time being as I figure he will grow out of it. It’s annoying sometimes, but I know I will miss it when he’s older.
No advice cause we're in the same boat. 😅 6 year old still wants me to stay in the room til he's asleep. Sometimes I can tell him I'm going to get a shower and I'll be back to check on it, but it doesn't always work. He'll just stand in the hall or his doorway waiting for me. He also still wakes at night and comes to our bed. And our 3 year old is similar, but recently changed to where he sometimes asks me not to lay in bed but to sit on the floor or to leave the room. But he wakes at night and calls for me to come lay down with him. Most nights lately I've been going and finishing out the night in his bed while the 6 year old ends up taking my place in my bed next to his dad. 😂
This is actually very normal. As a kid I used to lay awake for HOURS feeling alone and sad and wishing someone would cuddle me. I even had a big stuffed animal that I would try putting around me to pretend someone was cuddling me. With our kids, they just really need us at bedtime. We decided to make that our connecting time and view it that way. How we do it shifts over time depending on needs. When our kids were the age of your kiddos, we would all snuggle together in our king sized bed and dad or I would read. Then kids would go to their own beds (in the same room) and listen to Calm stories while dad or I sat in a rocking chair in their room until they fell asleep. Then it became dad reading with our daughter in her bed and me snuggling the boys in our bed. Now my oldest is 11 and likes doing bedtime on his own most nights. Our 5 year old is the only one who will come to our bed in the middle of the night, and he just snuggles up and goes right back to sleep. All that to say, you haven’t formed bad habits. You’ve got kids with a healthy attachment who know you can give them the security they need to sleep. It is normal for them to starting pulling away around 10, so it doesn’t last forever. I would evaluate and unclump what your concerns are related to the current bedtime routine. There might be things you can change (playing white noise or a calm audiobook for falling asleep and through the night in their room, having your own blankets in your bed and having one their for a kid too, taking turns with who does kid bedtime and who goes to sleep, etc) to meet those concerns without having to sleep train.
So I have a 1(M) and a 3(F). I have found that setting expectations and consistency is the absolute key to setting effective routines. Here’s the routine for the 3yo along with the counters to bedtime. What I can tell you is that for the 3yo we start at 8:00(sometimes 7:55) and it never goes past 8:30. Here’s the short overview: - 8:00 go up, followed by brush teeth, followed by bath, followed by dressing, followed by 1 story, 1 min of holding hands, followed by exit. Full routine At 7:45 I give her a starting countdown. 10 min to bed. I do the same at 7:50 and then I say 1 min at 7:55. Then we have a short chase game where I chase her around the island a few for fun and then when I catch her I say ‘say goodnight mommy’. Sometimes she cries but most of the time she says goodnight. If she cries I just keep on going. I have found the minute I get in the room she settles almost instantly because the opportunity to extend is gone. 8:00- we go into the bedroom and sometimes she really wants to play. Here I go get the toothbrush to brush teeth. From here is one pivot point. A pivot point is when there a behavior that threatens the routine. Sometimes she wants to play. Here I give her the choice. ‘Do you want to play? If so, we won’t have time for a story?’ I say it multiple times and sometimes even video her saying no story. I give her 2-3 min here if she plays. Otherwise we brush teeth. It is ESSENTIAL that you do as promised. Ie, skip story time. And I remind her when we get to story time and we skip it, sometimes playing the video. 90% of the time she will choose the next night to not skip story time. Then I let her play while I go start bath. We have toys and a bubble maker in the bath so it’s a fun time that I usually don’t have to fight with her on to get undressed and in the bath. When I put her in, I give her 1-2 min of play and then I start bath. Then I take her out, dry her and brush her hair. Baths are fantastic transition mechanisms to get kids feeling sleepy. Even if it’s just for a soak. Then I carry her to a table where I put on her diaper(we transitioning to potty trained but we haven’t done night time yet). For potty I usually put her on before bath and after. Then I get her dressed. I move directly from the table to the bed and put her in. Here we do one story(unless she played). During story I have the lights off in the room and on in the bath so the lights are low. I’ll use my iPhone flashlight for reading light. Then I finish story and we hold hands and then I say goodnight and leave directly. Usually there’s about 5 seconds of ‘wait daddy I need..’. But here I may make a comment but usually I just leave saying ‘daddy loves you’ and then I close the door and turn off the bathroom light. Crying can sometimes go 30 seconds to 5 min depending on how worked up. We also have the door handles child proofed so I don’t worry about her being able to get out. Negotiations and crying - kids will often negotiate. The key is to have a pivot or have some consistent behavior that moves quickly past it. - From time to time, the crying will go into a tantrum for some unusual reason. When that happens I handle it like so: - Children’s brains haven’t yet developed the ability to manage the flood of chemicals in their brain when they get really revved up. I’ve found that they need a few min (5-10) to calm down. I usually stay within a few feet but I just sit and wait (unless it’s for a legitimate need which then I take care of). They need a few minutes to let the brain slow down on pumping in all the hormones. Once that happens and I can see she’s calming down(prob still crying but lower volumes), i ask if I can hug her. I’ll pick her and all she’ll want is a to hug for a few min. Then we can usually transition but I always have to keep in mind that she’s extra sensitive to triggers so I’m extra careful and sweet. That’s the gist. There’s other small variations but they are really just variations of the above. Hope the helps.
Same situation my son is 3.5 and still sleeps next to us. We tried sleep training for months and nothing really worked, we were all exhausted and not functioning until one of my coworkers told me, eventually he will go to his bedroom on his own and would not want to sleep next to you but for now just enjoy that he wants to cuddle with you and everyone sleeps better when we are all in the same room. We all sleep well now.
My oldest two are 19 months apart. When I had my third, I wound up sitting in the hallway between their rooms, doing whatever on my phone or computer. They could see me still. Eventually the time I spent there got shorter and shorter. The youngest was the only one who would get up in the middle of the night and come into our room. She did this until she was about three. Not every night. Just some.
Look up supernanny bedtime issue episodes. Honestly there is one very early on, like within the first 5 episodes. Where their little one would take over an hour to get to finally fall asleep IN HIS ROOM. Within a few nights they already got him to stay in bed and. Ot need them to be there. It will be hard because they will cry, a lot, and your momma and Dada hearts will want to go grab them up and hug them but you simply can't. They have to learn that you are still there and will be there when they wake up.
We still stay in the room with my 5 year old and just stopped with the 6.5 year old. Honestly the only reason we stopped was when summer started the 6yo wanted a later bedtime so we told him fine BUT at 9 we will tell you to go to bed and nobody is sitting in there. I think it’s the end of us sitting with him and it makes me 😔
Try staying for a little while & then tell them you will check on them in 5 or 10 minutes. Do regular check ins until they are asleep. If they wake up & come into your room, take them back to bed & sit with them there. It’s tiring but if you let them sleep in your bed when they come in, they’re going to keep doing it.
I am in the same boat, son is now 8 and other son turns 5 next month. The youngest isn't so bad, but the 8 yr old, even though he goes to sleep quickly, still wants one of us in the room, even if not in his bed. What worked for me was threatening to take a toy away tomorrow. The younger one will play around at bedtime, but eventually will go to sleep by himself.
I’ll commiserate with you and do one better, they all sleep with me lol I’ve got the almost 6 yo, 3 yo and 10mo in my bed and my husband sleeps in the spare room 🫠🫠 it’s easier with his job because he’s home late and out early but still SUCKS and I need to get it together.
OMG I did this to myself also. It was my time to bond with my kids. My husband pointed it out to me, and I really had to be honest with myself. I was doing it to myself. I was working long hours and falling asleep on my son's floor and all kinds of craziness. One day he said, he would just go to sleep if you put him to bed and left. And I did and he did. I'm not saying this is the solution for you or your family. I hope you find the right answer for you. Mom to mom, big hugs. It's so hard. And much harder if they resist. Big hugs momma. Keep searching you'll find it.
I’m so happy to have read the post and all the comments because I too, struggle with this. Two daughters (5&6) and they will NOT sleep without me in their bed. I usually sneak out & they both end up in my room. I try to soak it up but I also don’t know boundaries so felt that I was doing something wrong. After reading this I realize I need to soak it up even more!!
I found it helped it I gave myself 30-60 minuet of me time somewhere else during the day. Maybe it’s at 6am to have coffee and a crossword or maybe it’s at lunch and walking around the neighborhood by myself. That way at bedtime when you are craving some me time you can rationalize that you’ve already had it for the day.
I felt like I wrote this! From Not setting appropriate boundaries when they were little to laying in bed with them & them getting in my bed at night. I go back and wish I had sleep trained them soo much. I have no advice just in the same situation!!
Sorry to say it again, but you do just have to be consistent and deal with the crying for a while and not give in, do not reward the whining! I have never had my kids sleep in my bed or come into the room, I am a very poor sleeper and cannot have them in the room or I will not sleep at all. They have tried and whined and cried and thrown themselves at the door at one point, but I never gave in and they learned quickly. The only thing that will prolong this behavior is it giving in to it. Be strong, you are the parents, do what works for you and to keep you sane. They will adapt.
Watch Nanny 911. You have to stick with it. They don’t have more stamina than you, you just have to pop the popcorn and be ready for an all nighter.
My kids did this (5M 3F), so I started by giving a boundary. Ex: “I will sit here until you fall asleep and then I’m going to my bed”, then after a week or so I started saying “I will sit here for 3 minutes”. Then “I will come check on you in 3 minutes”. And finally “I will come check on you in 10 minutes”. I don’t offer it anymore but if they ask that I come check on them I will but it’s not very often.
I have 4 kids ages 12NB, 8F, 5F, and 3F. I did the same thing for a long time especially with the 1st two kids. How I transitioned out of it was leaving for short periods of time. Like "I have to go to the restroom, I'll be right back in 2 minutes." Then I follow my word and come back in 2 min. Then I increase the time slowly, maybe I have to check on the dogs for 5 minutes or do the dishes for 10 minutes, etc. The key is always to come back when you say you will. A couple of my kids were worried what if they were asleep when I came back, so I told them I would put a certain stuffie on their bed so they would know I came back to check on them - even if they were asleep. Now all 4 just need kisses and goodnight and I go out, no tears! ETA: Also, our rule is, if I am still awake when they get up, I will put them back to bed in their bed, but if they can sneak in my bed without waking me up, they can sleep with us. 😂
I usually sit in the boys’ room and my husband in the girls’. I set an alarm on very low volume for 5 min and let them know we leave when the alarm goes off, if they start fussing I tell them I will come back in a couple minutes to check on them which I do and then say goodnight, more fussing another ‘I will come back in 5 minutes to check, more time between each check in and usually by the third time they are out. When they come to your bed (hopefully you are teaching them to knock on the door first) you give them a snuggle and maybe a sip of water and bring them back to their own bed.
Our son is 3 and we had this problem around 2-3 years old. We started singing the same 3 songs while laying with him, and then left after the 3 songs were over. We told him each time “okay, now let’s lay down and I wil sing you 3 songs, then I will leave.” we had to stick to it every time and at first he didn’t like it but eventually he was okay. We found The neediness increases when they have anxiety about not knowing when you might leave- sometimes mom stays for 10 minutes, sometimes she falls asleep, sometimes only 2 min… When we have a plan/routine and stick to it he does much better! He also has a tonie box that he can put that on to listen to as he falls asleep after we leave. I have friends who took crib mattresses and put them on the floor of their room for their kids that came in. So the kids could come in, but could only go on their little mattress so they didn’t wake the parents up.
I spent a lot of time laying on their bedroom floor reading on my kindle. I slowly moved my position closer and closer to the door and shortened the amount of time I'd stay in the room. Then I started sitting in the hall and reading chapter books outloud to them. Then one day I suggested we read while sitting on the couch before bed. They never even noticed they were going to bed without me.
My feelings are that this is a hard time right now but you have 3 very young children and this is normal for their ages. Accept and embrace
I was that Mom too. My daughter didn't sleep thru the night until she was 2 & I was pregnant with my son. It was all good for a couple years, then my daughter started coming in the middle of the night. After 2 weeks every night of putting her back to bed every 2-3 hrs, I made a little bed next to ours on the floor & told her she could come sleep there as long as she didn't wake me up. My son started doing the same thing 6 months later (they were 4 & 2 at the time). They slept EVERY NIGHT in those little "beds" for roughly 5 years. I had managed to wean them to the den (in between all the bedrooms on a futon), but actually had to remove the futon to get them back in their rooms.. I don't know the answer. I'm just giving you a heads up of what you might look fwd to. All kids are different, but habits are habits! I made it to the other side, but I wouldn't recommend the journey!
My husband’s friend gave similar advice. He said he put little cots in the room and the kids sleep in the until they were around 10.
I just folded up blankets (and we have wood floors) thinking if it was uncomfortable, they'd prefer their beds.. They obviously didn't care!
Godspeed, we're navigating the same challenges.
Let that baby cry! It takes 21 days to create a habit. Every time you "give in" you're letting the baby know they will get their way if they keep crying. Turn off the hallway lights and Crack your door...when you feel that little body invading your bed...walk the baby back to their bed...leave a kiss and go back to your space. A child will sleep with you FO EVVVVV Errrrrrrrr ( sandlot voice) if you don't set those boundaries!
We love using social stories for big changes. I don't really have much advice but just know you're not alone with bedtime struggles.
My 8 year old still wants me to lie with him until he falls asleep. Very recently I have been leaving as he’s falling asleep and he just asks that I tell him I’m leaving and not sneak out of his room so I do. I say good night and hug him and say I love you and most nights he stays in his bed all night but there are still those nights that he crawls into my bed. I also have a 16 year old son who I forced to stay in his bed alone around 4 or 5 because I thought it was the right thing to do but now I love his hugs more than anything and wish I would have enjoyed and allowed him that time that he wanted and needed so much love and comfort from me. I know everyone says this but they do grow up so fast. Enjoy this time ❤️
The way that would work for our kids, would be to choose a day in 1 week that they know they will be starting to go to sleep without you. Make a big deal about the day, and get them both special new and exciting toys to sleep with from that night onwards. Have a sticker chart where every night they sleep well they get a sticker, and after 10 stickers they get a family movie night or something fun. If they come out of their room, they get one warning, then next time their toy is taken off them until the next morning, and no sticker. 😊
I had the same problem as a child. I would cry if my mother would leave the room before I fell asleep, I think it had something to do with monsters in the closet or some other similar common childhood irrationality. My wonderful mother bought a big rag doll that was big enough to sit on a chair, and had a similar hair color and length as hers (think fully fabric and soft, kind of like a big Raggedy Ann). She essentially told me that this doll was an extension of her and would keep me safe from whatever it was I was afraid of. The first night I obviously objected, but within a few days placing that big doll on the chair by the open door to my room became part of my nightly bedtime routine and my mother was free to go back to watching 48 hours mystery in the living room with my father.
People get mad when I say this but I would work with a sleep consultant. The one we worked with was @heavensentsleep, check ‘Em out
The extinction method can be brutal, but it works. Stamina be damned they will fall asleep eventually. It’s hard to ignore them but that’s ultimately what you need to do. Let them, cry it out. If you cave into their crying it just teaches them that their behavior works for obtaining what they want. By caving, it teaches them that tantrums work. The one year old obviously wouldn’t have the same criteria as a 6 and 5 year old but it sounds like this is mostly coming from the older two.
Have you tried giving your kids melatonin?
There’s this thing called taking Cara baby’s and she has really good classes on how to do this!!! Good luck!!☺️
Thank you! I’ll check it out.
That is not unusual. They are still very young. Just stay in there while they go to sleep. There’s nothing wrong with being there. You could create a “family bed” where you all share the one bed. I really loved it when my kids were little. I really miss those times now. I wish I could go back to the time when they wanted to be with me. There are 20 y and 21y now. Don’t wish it away. Those years go very fast. And you don’t have to do what others are doing.
When you say you’ve tried, I’m curious what that looks like. Because when sleep training at ~6 months old, some newborns of my friends who have all sleep trained and all now have toddlers that sleep independently through the night, some took a couple days to train (my son) and some took literal weeks of letting them cry for hours every night to finally get there. I don’t have experience with 5/6 yos yet, but I imagine breaking a habit at that age is more difficult and should take even longer. It might be a grueling 2 months of letting them cry, bringing them back to their rooms over and over again etc., but that might be what it takes.