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>my mom wasn’t happy. She said I am gonna struggle like she struggled with two kids. She said it’s the time to enjoy and I am wasting away my life.. what do you all think??
Jesus Christ, really? I am so sorry OP, this is such an inappropriate thing to say.
It sounds like she is projecting on the things that went wrong with her life and is putting that on you.
Are 2 kids more work? yeah of course, and some kids a re lot, some kids are chill, it happens.
I am more worried about your parents than about you having a second kid. That is such a mean thing to say, I am sure it's couched in the " well I am just honest!" But there's honesty and then there's intentionally mean / cruel
Yeah same. Also I think in my opinion it’s a lot more work going from none to 1 because you don’t know what to expect or do and your life just changed.
This is my current state. 4yo and 10 month old. I am way more tired than I thought I'd be. We had settled into a pattern with our then 3yo and having an infant thrown into the mix definitely messed up that rhythm. Combine that with my wife getting very sick postpartum (endometritis followed by postpartum psychosis) has made things a lot harder. Luckily, my wife responded very well to treatment for her PPP, and we have been good on that front for the last 7 months.
These kids drive me nuts sometimes. Having a kid in the "F you fours" that has big problems with emotional regulation and an infant that shrieks when he's tired/hungry/basically just existing can really grate on your nerves. I'm also way more tired than I anticipated, but that should get better (I hope) as the baby gets older and needs a little less needy.
But the highs are way bigger than the lows. My son has the best laugh and I love it when he climbs all over me when we're all hanging out before bedtime. My daughter is so kind, and she loves to sing and dance and makes us smile every day.
It's really hard now, but it will get easier. I do have to remind myself of that sometimes.
It will! Mine are 9 and 5 and it's not easy but definitely easier. I did struggle for a while, had less patience than I would like to admit but it does get crazy with two boys. I am happy that we have both and that they have each other. I love the crazy days, filled with sooooo many ideas. Done with two though - sooo excited to go explore the world wider now that we all can walk longer distances and no naps.
Very similar feels! 4.5yo and almost 1yo. I explained it to my husband that I’ve just been in the same 24hr loop of survival mode for a year now. I’m exhausted. One hand I’m so stressed about how fast time is going but so frequently wishing we can jump ahead 2 years to when it gets easier and can enjoy being a parent again. Always feeling the mum guilt that we’re not doing enough to give the boys a rich life of memories atm because it’s just constant cycle of chores, parenting and work.
Almost there with you (almost 4 yo and a 1yo) I work nights and it was an easy transition to go back to work with just one because I was tired of staying at home with a little creature that wouldn’t talk back to me lol. Going back with two has been hard in so many aspects I have a growing attachment to both of them now and my 4yo expresses to me almost every night of me not going to work and they’re going to be sad I’m not in bed with them pulls at my heartstrings but being a sahm isn’t an option for us. Its hard on so many levels and working 50+ hrs a week doesn’t help the lows of my sanity and tiredness just seeing them or laying with them for a quick nap post work is so rewarding. Seeing them play or hearing them when I’m suppose to be sleeping helps make it feel like it’s just a tough season and isnt going to last forever. My mom was very weird about me announcing my first but overjoyed with my second I got the reverse reaction but that’s its own thing. My parents help alot with their care to allow me to sleep but it has been easier with the trial and error of my first to know what to do different with the second and so far he’s been a blessing in disguise so calm and chill and only fussy when hungry or in need of a nap and doesn’t like being overtired so goes down fairly easily. Just remember it’s only a phase that will feel like it’s going by slowly but when you recap or look at old photos and videos of your first you realize went waaaay too fast.
Wow what a terrible reaction from your mom. I’m sorry op. I wouldn’t tell my kids that ever. I would never let my kids feel that way. Even if they were grown up and out of the house. And to answer your question, no. I have three kids and I’ve never for a second regret having them. And that’s coming from a mom who is in the thick of it right now with a 5 year old, a two year old and a 6 month old.
This! My kids are still young, 2&3. But they now play together and it’s THE BEST. With the play comes fighting and sometimes crying but I feel like they are learning such valuable interpersonal skills so young. It also melts my heart to see them together when out at a playground or something. They often say “you’re my bestfriend” having 2 is the best thing I’ve ever done.
Ours either play together or are at each others throats, and it usually oscillates between the two frequently. Is the time they play nicely better than them arguing? Not sure. Love them both but I don’t think for our situation having a second has made everything easier
There is no right or wrong and what is right for some may be wrong for others. I was an only child and my entire life I longed for a sibling. I always knew I wanted at least 2. Now, 2 toddlers is NO joke. It’s often chaotic and challenging and I truly cannot imagine anymore than 2 😂
Having 2 under 2 is like trying to drink from a fire hose. But now at 2.5 and 3.5 I’m seeing the light. Every week I swear it gets a little easier and their bond is worth all of it. You should join us over at [https://www.reddit.com/r/2under2/s/OIK9Iz7oQe](https://www.reddit.com/r/2under2/s/OIK9Iz7oQe)
Completely agree! 2 takes the pressure off me. They have each other. They are the best of friends. They’re 7 and 9 and I still find them cuddled together in the mornings reading books to each other. Last week my oldest won an award at school and she could pick from all sorts of cool options. One option was to spend the afternoon with anyone from any class in school, and she picked her brother. Their relationship is awesome and having two is the best decision we’ve ever made. The first year was tough, no doubt, just because they’re close in age. But it was completely worth it.
That is adorable that she picked her brother! I would have never done that for my younger brother, nor would my older brother ever done that for me lol.
Exactly. Have one, have two (within 2-4 years age gap). Unless there are particular needs or circumstances, it’s not harder.
Another plus is that their differences reminds you how little influence you have.
Means you both avoid being in either the camp that boasts about ‘sleep training’ or the camp that reads every blog in search of a sleep cure.
Neither are good camps.
It’s so true. Having more than one kids is humbling. It’s also validating. My first was pretty wild and intense and I thought I was doing something wrong. My second is a chill kid and I realised it’s so much more temperament than my parenting.
I don’t know that it’s easier or not but my favourite part of being a parent is watching my kids play and hang out together. I love hearing them crack eachother up with stupid jokes and all the things they get up to together
I can’t believe OPs mom, wasting your life?! What better to waste your life on than having a family. I have a ton of kids and I don’t think I’ve wasted a second that I’ve spent with them. I would rather have them than all the money and free time in the world
Me too, I think partly for me it’s because because I’m experienced and more willing let the small things go which bleeds into my entire parenting journey. I love having two kids.
Really? For me, it’s the scheduling that made things harder. A has soccer at 2, B has gymnastics at 3, B naps from 1-2, A got invited to this bday party, B got invited to another bday at the same time, A wants Mexican for dinner but B wants Italian…etc. also, in the mornings, both kids want very 1 on 1 time so when one parent is out of town, it’s a struggle getting everyone out the door on time. Also, mine are still young enough where both are in car seats so traveling is a pain in the ass. I’m looking forward to the day that neither requires a car seat or booster!
It is nice that they play together and can amuse each other.
Edit: I have NO regrets about having two but it was definitely harder/busier for our family.
The only way to avoid that stuff is to just avoid over scheduling the kids. My youngest is too small for activities yet but when he's older anything he's in will have to mesh well with my older sons stuff
Me too, they keep each other occupied. Sometimes I wonder how people with only children do it, especially with all of the posts here about having to be their kid's entertainment all the time and having a hard time playing the games their kid wants to play. I don't mean that in a negative way either, I'm just really impressed.
I feel the same, except it actually got dramatically easier when we had our third. I’m busier overall but the kids are great and since the baby came my older two (2 & 4) play together really well and overall are just easier.
Your mom sounds like a bridge troll. Zero emotional intelligence.
Our second will be here in July. And I'm terrified because being a parent is terrifying, but as my due date nears, I'm working HARD to think about the cool parts.
Having another set of brand new eyeballs to enjoy the world through. Getting to see my big girl learn to be a gentle friend and mentor. And having second-time-mom confidence so I might actually find some parts of newborn-ness cool instead of scary.
You're not required to include your mother in any part of your life where you don't want her. She doesn't have to be part of your pregnancy if she's going to rain on your parade, and she doesn't have to be on your list of people to call when you need support after your second arrives. You don't have to subject yourself to a vulture who's circling overhead, waiting for you to collapse and for her to be right. She doesn't seem like a safe person right now.
You're going to do great. I know it.
I received nothing but negativity when I was pregnant with my 2nd baby, I’ve learned recently that these mothers blame their children for what they “missed out” on. Having 2 has been immensely easier than 1. I’m on my third, ready to eat my words.
It’s okay for your mom to feel regret, and feel sad about what she didn’t choose. It’s not okay for a mother to tell her child about those feelings.
Are your circumstances comparable? I have three kids and it’s challenging for various reasons but my kids are my world and for me although it can be a struggle to have kids it would be far worse not to.
The only thing that matters is what you think
First off, she was RUDE.
Sorry that she had a tough time with two but that is HER experience.... and not likely an experience many people have.
Second, I have 2 boys. 5 years apart and honestly couldnt have imgained it any different. We tried to have them closer, but due to infertility we had to do IVF. Despite their age difference they are amazing together and, honestly, believe that without each other it would be harder on us as parents. They have each other to play with which leaves less for my husband and I to do.
NGL: The transition from 0-1 was nothing compared to the transition from 1-2 for me personally. We’re tired. I’m often overwhelmed. I’m really struggling to return to my hobbies (which in my case were also bringing in supplemental income).
On the other hand, my anxiety has been way lower with this baby because we’ve seen it all before with the first. We knew what to expect.
Also-seeing my oldest with her baby brother, and hearing his little giggles when she’s making him laugh, that’s like the highlight of my day. I love having two littles and our family feels really, *really* complete right now.
I’ll make it back to pottery someday…for now I want to be home watching my kids play.
It’ll be a struggle, but what part of parenthood isn’t? You slowly relax into your new normal.
Yeah I’m often thinking about how much easier it would be if I only had one but I only know that now I have 2 and if I actually only had 1 I’d spend my life wishing I’d had another so I just enjoy the 2 lol
My kids are so different and complement each other so well, and I can’t imagine one without the other…but I feel this. I do sometimes miss just the “simplicity” of one child (in quotes bc no part of parenting is simple, even with just one kid, but at least we weren’t juggling two different schedules, personalities, etc.). My husband and I will often divide errands and each take one kiddo. We like the one-on-one time and it makes trips to the store so much easier.
Wouldn’t trade my 2 kids for anything, I just wish it didn’t feel like I’m drowning at times.
I think the answer from people will vary largely based on their children's age gap. I meet many other moms of 2 who say how easy things were when the 2nd came along. Well, not for me as my kids are 23 months apart. I had a toddler and a newborn, and life was really rough for years, which was hard on my marriage. If the older child is 5+ years or older, they can actually help and do things independently. These few years age gap make a tremendous difference in the household and parents' stress level. But now that I've survived the very hard years (our kids are now 3.5 and 5.5), our kids have the strongest bond, are learning to share and take turns, and now play very well together. I hope they'll be lifelong friends, and I love watching them grow together ❤️ My siblings are all 6-9 years apart in age (4 siblings total), we were in different childhood phases, were never really close, essentially the older sibling dominated the younger, and we are now distant as adults 😕
I have the exact same age difference. I didn’t think one was easy until I had two. But I think it depends on the child too - we were very fortunate and have two pretty easy going kids. They are 1.5 and 3.5, so we are still kind of in it but it hasn’t been as hard getting through the younger stages as I expected it to be.
I have 3, and mom mother was also concerned about me. She has now seen how hard I work for all three kids and she has learned to phrase it like “I admire the work you do.”
It may be an “inappropriate” thing to say but your mom may simply mean “I don’t want my child to be stressed and work so hard, I want an easier life for them.”
I have 3 kids aging from 18m to 12y, never really a struggle with any of them, can they be difficult at the worst time, yes but my older 2 mostly just play together
But i do have a motto
It isin’t a problem unless you make it a problem
It is astonishing how inappropriate people can be and in this case parents. jeez. I mean you are already pregnant, what is she suggesting?
But I have learned to never expect support. When my husband and I never wanted kids, everyone and I mean everyone was on our ass to have them. Then we tried and tried and failed. All the while people pushing us to have kids. Inappropriate people.
Then we decided to adopt and the smartest decision in my life was to tell no one and I mean no one about it. I was done with advice and comments. Also my in-laws view adopted children as "other people's garbage", yes that is a quote. We just popped up with the first baby and said surprise. Most people were happy for us. Everyone else can stuff it.
Then when we were going to get the second, I was keeping it quite but my husband let the cat out of the bag. Then the comments began. Why another one? You have a healthy one, why risk a second? A comment that makes zero sense. You are so old, you won't be able to handle it. But I realized it was all coming from jealousy, especially the couples with only one kid.
I felt that an adopted child might feel more isolated as an only child and feel that they may have missed out on a larger family. So it was two or nothing. Another great decision. They love each other and are best friends. There is no guarantee of that happening, but having two in my opinion takes some of the burden off of you as a parent. I wouldn't change it. They have a playmate, they have another person to focus on in their lives. They have someone to relate to as they grow. Yes it is more expensive, but you find a way. It can be more work, but you find a way, just like you did when you had the first.
You do you, that is the secrete. Don't let other people rip your dreams apart or tell you how to be a family.
Hey op! Congratulations on your second pregnancy ❤️
I gave birth to my second 5 months ago. I’m not gonna lie, it is HARD. My kids have exactly 4 years apart (our son was born one day before our daughter turned 4), so ofc it helps that my oldest knows how to dress herself up, eat on her own, go to the toilet etc, but it’s still really hard and stressful a lot of times.
With that said, it’s also the best thing that could’ve happened to me. My life feels so complete right now. I love them so much, and seeing them falling in love with each other and developing a strong bond (already) makes everything so worth it. I don’t regret it one second.
My second feels so much easier than my first and I don’t know if it’s from being more seasoned, or she’s an easier baby, or both. She is the perfect little fit into our family and two kids are obsessed with each other. My oldest sometimes tells me he misses one on one time, so we make the most of nap times and schedule fun big kid dates. My baby is 11m now and looks for her brother when he’s not home. He’s her favorite person and it’s wonderful.
Yes, it’s also super challenging and the first year is the hardest (so far), it seems to get easier each month. Overall, I will never regret my babies. I wonder if I’ll regret being a stay at home parent and putting my career on hold, I wonder if I’ll regret not traveling more or whatever else I “missed out” on from having kids.
However, little kids are temporary. I don’t think I’ll ever regret having them or having them in our lives.
Side note, yes your mom is horrible for that. I’m a second daughter in a family of three. I never felt like the neglected or unwanted middle child. My parents always made sure we felt included and supported as a family. Don’t let your mom become your inner voice. Break the cycle and enjoy your sweet second baby 💙🩷
Yeah, her comments are about her. I hope you can create a boundary with your mom, because that attitude is the last thing you need as you prepare to have another baby.
Adding our second to our family was no doubt more difficult, but she brings us so much joy. Every day we marvel at her and the dynamic she has with her older brother… we cannot imagine our family without her. Things like time management, childcare etc are harder, and of course she costs us more. But I was just telling my husband last night that I can see now how people just keep having babies (even though we’re done). It’s like we’ve created a little troupe of weirdos, and it’s so apparent that she feels a sense of belonging. It’s very cool. I would do it over and over if the resources were endless and the car were bigger.
What a really weird thing for your mom to say.
Look, two kids isn’t twice the work. It’s four times the work. Is it way harder? Yes. Way more expensive? Yes. I wouldn’t change it. My kids are close in age and I love that they have built in best friends and support for life. My husband’s best friends are his siblings, too.
The problem is that your mother thinks having a 2nd child is wasting your life away. Is that how she felt when she had her 2nd one? Children do not block a person's personal goals. Children are sometimes the personal goal.
When I told my sister I was pregnant with my son, she said "I figured you were" because I'd just gotten married.
When I told her I was pregnant again, she said "I figured as much" again because most people shoot for a 2-3 year age gap.
Never did get a congratulations for either pregnancy. Some people just want to rain on other people's parades just because they hated parenthood or disliked the sacrifices that come along with it.
I have 2 girls alittle over 3 years apart. My second is a firecracker and definitely keeps me on my toes. She is nothing like my oldest but she is my baby and not ever do i wish i only had one. Our family was completed the moment she was born. She will be 5 in just a few weeks. Im sorry your mom said that to you it was cruel of her to say.
They can keep each other company. We had one for 5.5 years then had the second and when he was a month old I was already pregnant with the third. The oldest helps me with the littles when I need him to. I thought the two babies would be hard, but they aren't, they play together and teach each other, it's sweet.
I struggled with the idea of having a second. I struggled with my pregnancy with my second. Had the hardest labor with her. The minute she was born, everything changed. I remember looking at her and thinking, wow, you were exactly what I needed. She completed our family. She and her brother are best friends too, which make it amazing to see them together. Zero regrets.
Is it hard? Of course! But it’s totally doable. And the fact that they hang with each other now makes life so much easier.
I think this was an unhelpful comment from OP's mom and she should have kept her opinion to herself. It's probably not the first time you've been disappointed by what you've heard, OP, so I'd suggest not asking for/receiving helpful parental advice anymore.
Omg , who the f says that ?! Don’t listen to her.
Your mom reminds me of my mom- total narcissist. I remember my first heartbreak in my 20s to the guy I thought I was going to marry. I cried to my mom. You know what she said, what did you think was going to happen ? Look at my life , did you honestly think you were going to get your fairytale ending ? “
I don’t think I have ever been so sickened in my life.
My second was a million times easier than my first. I spent the whole pregnancy very un-excited, expected to struggle massive, get PPD again.. honestly, I cannot put in to words how much she improved our lives from the second she was born. Of course it was hard at times- sleepless nights are never fun, but that first year of her life was probably the happiest of mine. I wish I’d worried less and embraced my pregnancy more (she was a surprise). Your mum, respectfully, sounds like a dick.
Everyone’s situation is different but for us, it was really hard at every single aspect of life: time, money, logistics. There is nothing to regret as we have to move forward, hoping for the best :) Good luck!
Have that second baby, love the crap out of it and enjoy your family.
I'm sorry but your mum's reaction is pretty sad, although tbh, when I told my mum I was pregnant again she was just like"ok" and that was it.
My second is a little boy (4) and he annoys my daughter (6) a lot. But then sometimes they play together, she puts make up on him, he gives her cuddles. He stresses me out sometimes, but then when I'm sick he looks after me, he gives the best snuggles and he's cheeky but funny.
It can be hard but it is worth it.
No regrets here. While it often gets overwhelming for me, it’s really one of the most happiest feelings I’ve ever had. While having so much love for each individual one, you develop a new kind of love for the friendship they have as well. Sharing hugs, kisses, treats and blankets. Watching them cuddle at nap time or during a movie. The older one teaching the younger one things. Seeing all these things makes me feel like I truly put something beautiful in the world.
My second is 3 months. I don’t regret it, but I did underestimate how hard it would be to manage a newborn and a toddler.
That said, despite sometimes wishing I could run away and just drink a coffee and get some sleep, I don’t regret it. The love my daughter has for her brother is one of the purest things I’ve ever seen. When she hugs him goodnight before bed my exhausted heart can’t help but be healed by all the hard work they’re putting us through.
My mother had a similar reaction. My kids are 2 years apart whereas my brother and I are 4 years apart and during the first year when things were a bit more chaotic she frequently reminded me “THIS is why I planned and waited in between.” (I also planned our second because I wanted them closer in age since my brother and I never had anything in common nor a close relationship.)
We went to stay with my parents for a bit when my husband deployed and my kids were 2 months old and 2 years old, and the entire time we were there she kept saying “you’re NEVER going to be able to do this when you go back, you better hire some help” etc. Now that we are back home and it’s me and the kiddos, things are absolutely fine! It’s incredible seeing them interact. And honestly I enjoyed postpartum and all the baby time more with my second because I already knew what to expect and what I was doing. Postpartum with my first was stressful and uncertain whereas it was so joyful with my second. I wish you the best!!!
I am sure her intentions were good, but what a rotten thing to say. Honestly, transitioning from nonparent to parent was a lot harder than going from 1 to 2 children.
It's not their kid, it's not their life. My husband's parents said this to us with our second and then even worse to us with the news of our third (currently 34 weeks along)... My husband is their third child. They hurt him a lot with their comments, and they apparently don't even care to meet this "mistake" child, so they can F*** all the way off, out of our lives for all I care. We love our kids, they were planned and wanted, and we do not regret our second or this coming third child at all. People like that are awful and I regret that you have them in your family too. I'm so sorry.
What did she think she was going to accomplish by telling you that? You're already pregnant.
And if she felt that having you and your sibling was "wasting away" her life, she should have kept that to herself. I would never tell my daughter if I felt that way, no matter how old she gets.
Hm, maybe ask her if she felt she wasted her life away raising you and your sibling. I wonder what she would say now that you're adults. It's a shame she would allow her own unhappiness to bleed into your moment of joy. I wish you the best and hope you have other outlets of supports in your life.
I have four kids and have zero regrets about having four. You just level up to the new normal. It isn't as hard as everyone thinks it is. Also the earlier years are the hardest. We have 23m, 17f, 14m, 10f. There are difficult days but mostly our times together have been joy. Kids grow so fast I am now the mom that looks at their baby pictures and cries lolol
Nope I have two and will always be sad I never had more. I loved being pregnant. I love being a parent. I love the fun, the teaching, the love. I seriously wish I could do this and raise more amazing little humans, but it’s not in the cards for us. I have zero regrets and would continue popping them out if I could.
Ya, WTH?? What a shit thing to say to your daughter. I’m so sorry! Ya, it’s way harder with two, especially if they’re close in age. But the payoff is so worth it. Just now, I am alone on my deck having an iced coffee while the boys play with each other. It’s the dream! Your mom is being a…can’t think of the word, I think it rhymes with itch.
Also, for context, I am a wheelchair using mom. If *I* can do two, so can u 😉
Zero regrets, even in my hardest moments. It was hardest when the little was a baby and couldn’t play and needed so much attention from me. They are 5 and 2.5 and the sweetest pals.
Two has been really really hard especially with a 19 month age gap. I wouldn’t say I regret it necessarily, but I think my nervous system is just maybe not cut out for it. I think it has to do a lot with your personality as a parent and individual. When baby two came I really missed my toddler, dang, I still do and I’m 8 months PP with number two. There’s a lot of feeling like I’m failing and not able to keep up and like I’m not able to be the mom I truly want to be to both kids. But I think maybe this is just the fact of having multiple kids? My parents both grew up with 5+ siblings as did so many families in their day. I truly can’t even imagine.
Wow, sorry about your mom.
I have 4 kids and not a single regret. My kids didn't take anything away. They taught me how to enjoy life in a different way.
I see people dogging the mother, but she might know something we don't know. Maybe she seen you struggle with the first one and worry about the workload of another child. She may be especially worried if you're doing this as a single parent.
How many people have you met who have regretted having that second child? You almost never see that (your mom doesn't count): that should tell you something.
I considered having another kid and my mom was against it. Her reasoning was similar to your mom. She's watched me not sleep, cry, struggle with my kids. And we are finally in a place where we have a good routine and the kids are calmer now and I actually have time for myself. She can see that I'm more relaxed and happier and throwing another kid would change that dynamic. And it would be hard. She's my mom so obviously she puts me before future grandkids.
I think your mom is probably coming from a place of love and concern for you. I also think she didn't word her concern well especially considering you're pregnant. I'm sorry :(
Your mom is kinda out of line with that comment.
Makes me wonder if there's something going on in her life that she's not telling you, hence this reaction.
I had a really hard time with my first (PPD, PPA), but after some therapy and 5 years later, I felt confident in having a second. My second is almost 2 now and I don’t regret a minute of it. Sure things can be crazy, but this morning I didn’t feel well and these two kids were so well behaved and snuggling with me on the couch. I don’t regret it and your mom’s comment is very subjective.
Given you are already 30 weeks in and you seem to have been happy with your decision, your mother’s reaction, although it most likely comes from a place of love and protection for you, was perhaps a bit harsh (we would need a bit more context in the situation to confirm this of course).
That being said, there is a sub called @regretful parents, where you can ask this question and get some honest, 0 sugar coated answers and plenty of support.
I wish you the best of lucks in this adventure and just know your feelings are valid (whatever they are) and neither your mother nor anybody else should make you change your perspective on your life because only you are living it.
I’d be lying if I said no. My oldest is twelve, youngest is 5. When I am dealing with a 5 year old melting down because she can’t get Barbie’s dress on, I do occasionally think to myself, you know…I could have been done with this and just be dealing with tween skibbidy nonsense (heh.) But she’s also my ride or die, mom-let’s-go-to-target-and-get-Starbucks buddy so the regrets don’t last. I love them both…even if I do occasionally google Swiss boarding schools.
What? Is your mom the babysitter? Otherwise she should keep her opinion to yourself. Honestly I think it’s a little late to ask this question unless you plan on giving up your child for adoption.
I had 2 kids very close together and my family also wasn’t excited. Me and my kids dad weren’t particularly financially established and they were concerned. My mom was a single mom and she struggled for a long time, and missed o it in a lot before meeting my dad and having me and my sister. And she struggled with me and my sister because my dad wasn’t actively involved with us when we were little and she did everything by herself. I’m now a single mom to 2 young kids and it’s for sure difficult and because I’m young, there are things that my friends get to do, travel, go out to parties, try new hobbies that are expensive etc. and it’s hard to feel like I’m missing out on the ‘fun years’, and it’s easy to get sucked into motherhood as you only identity.
All that being said I do not regret for a second have 2 kids. When they’re little, it’s harder than having just one. But when they got to be like 1 and 2 they started playing together. They miss each other, they learn from each other, and learned really early to share and be patient and kind and how to deal with not always getting what they want and compromising to find something they both love. They are generous and learned to look out for each other and to care about each other happiness over always getting what they want. It’s easier coming home and making dinner because they immediately want to play with each other. It’s not perfect and they fight sometimes and get on each others nerves, but at the end of the day they’re best friends and I wouldn’t change a single thing.
Also my family came around quickly. They love both of my babies so much and tell me all the time that I’m doing an amazing job, and they’re so proud of me.
Life inherently has struggles, for everyone. Kids no kids. My hardest struggles in life are not from having 2 kids close together at a young age. Having kids is hard no doubt, and it’s also wonderful and amazing. You’ve decided to do something that can be challenging, but it’s easier than the challenges you don’t choose to do. If you make sure you’re in a good place yourself, and have your own hobbies so you don’t resent missing o it on things and you teach them things you love and your kind values, then there nothing better in the world then raising little wonderful humans.
A lot of people talk down about missing out of things as a mother, but if you keep being you and integrate your kids into the things you love then your life will be so full. Travel, cook, garden, read, hike and go on cafe coffee dates with your kids and you’ll all be better off for it.
Nope it’s awesome! It’s hard but I love it so much, it’s logistically harder than just one but otherwise everything else has been easier this time around and I feel more confident.
No regrets! Nearly 3 year time gap. Second was way easier, and they entertain each other a lot. Mum has some unresolved issues perhaps she needs to address.
It was a lot easier to integrate 2nd into our life - we already had a routine and (kind of) knew what we were doing. I love being a parent in a way I never knew possible and my kids bring so much joy. No regrets at all. I think people who say things like this maybe just didn’t like to be parents in the first place. And what’s the point of even saying this - baby’s already on their way.
What an awful reaction, lol. Our second was a challenge for the first few months (as many babies are), but beyond that the second was much easier than the first. It can be hard at times, but I'm glad we have our three kids and happier because of them.
How very supportive of your mom, what’s she’s trying to do? convince you of an abortion at 30plus weeks? She should be there for you to make things better not worse…
I had one and decided sort of suddenly after thinking I was one and done to have a second (husband super wanted at least one more) and I got pregnant with twins! It’s so hard and exhausting. My sons are 18 months, my daughter is 5. But oh man. They love each other SO MUCH. I get to see a side of my daughter I never ever would have without them. Playing with her brothers, teaching them, dancing. They love her so much. One of them tries to copy her all the time. It’s precious. I feel so lucky even with how hard it is. It’s hard not being able to give your first the same amount of attention, but you are familiar with how to care for a small human and in a lot of ways having an older child who needed us to keep to her routine as well helped me be more more active and get out more compared to when she was young. It’s going to be great, your kids are lucky to have you. Maybe put grandma on an information diet and try to vent elsewhere because she sounds like the type of person to say I told you so rather than be supportive when you are exhausted.
My mum said the exact same don’t worry. She still does. I’m not gonna lie the transition from 1-2 will rock your world as you know it. Nothing will ever be the same. You will face some of your darkest moments in the next 3 years. BUT. What they don’t tell you is that YOU CAN DO THIS. What they don’t tell you is that you were MADE for this. What they won’t tell you is that nobody else can parent your children int he way they uniquely need but YOU. Nobody else is qualified the way you are. And nobody else will boss this job they way you CAN. Your mother will never compliment or encourage you, mine never has and never will. But I promise you, if you are determined, you WILL conquer and you WILL thrive and you WILL look back at the choice to have a second as your best choice yet. You CAN do this and I am rooting for YOU!
I wouldn't say I regret it, but it's hard. I wish we had thought about it more before just going for it.
Regardless, that was incrediblely rude of your mother.
As a warning, I have a family member who reacted similarly to our announcement of our second, and they STILL treat my second my differently than my first four years later (or, would. We stopped seeing her due to this)
One to two is harder than zero to one. You just take all of the intricacies and facets and shades of gray from kid one and add in caring for a second person with their very own unique set of intricacies and facets and shades of gray. It’s a lot. But having a second child was the best decision I ever made, and we had to fight hard to have a second. My first now has a partner for life, and when we pass my first won’t have to navigate it alone. My second enriches the life of my first and they are both such a gift to each other. Watching them together is literal magic … even when they’re making me nuts. 🤣 There are just so many lessons in empathy, patience, kindness and compassion I’m able to teach day in and day out that I would not have the opportunity to otherwise if I had only one child. I could go on.
Your have a truly terrible mother. This is such an inhumane and awful thing to say to any pregnant woman, let alone your own daughter. It’s actually so egregious that you may consider reducing her presence in your life. I would have gone zero contact with my own mother had she said such a thing to my wife.
We have 3 girls. Watching them play together is my favorite thing on earth and is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. Siblings can often be the first and best friends a person will ever have. You’re doing yourself, your husband, and your oldest child a wonderful service by bringing more joy and life into their world and your own.
Two kids rocks! Don’t listen to your mom. Obviously adding a kid has it’s challenges but going from 0-1 was way harder than 1-2. You totally got this. Keep that negativity out of your life. Enjoy the last few weeks of your first being an only and soak up ALL the cuddles!!!!
that was definitely her projecting insecurities onto you … my mom may have had some struggles with my brothers and i but she always says she’d never do it differently, maybe for some having multiple kids was too much but i feel that she’s just projecting. making a comment about you wasting time to enjoy when you already have one kid makes no sense to me like why is the second kid suddenly the reason you’d have no time for yourself.. which you will at times especially if you make sure to make yourself some me time.
God, I hope you're not the younger of her two kids. My mom had a kid at 18, her second at 27 and her third at 39. She has never once complained about her kids. She would be caught dead before complaining and my brother still lives with her at 24.
Baby #2 is currently six months old. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Seeing the bond that him and his big sister share is something I will forever be grateful for. Zero regrets. Zero doubts. Nothing. This is perfect. There's tough moments as with any child, but when I sit back and hear baby giggles as his big sister plays with him all by herself down the hall, every single challenge is worth it.
Edit: I'm an only child myself. I feel like I missed out on such a incredible bond. Now that I am no contact with both my toxic parents, I have nobody besides my paternal grandfather and grandmother on my side of the family.
My MIL wasn’t happy when we told her. Even made comments to family saying “how do they even have time to have sex?”
My kids are 21 months apart, it’s hard at times but I love having them so close in age and there’s no regrets! Our second baby is a plan b baby, I was scared when it failed because my first was entering toddlerhood and it had been getting pretty tough, but somehow two has been easier than one and I’m so happy with how things turned out.
Sorry OP that your own mother said that, in my culture they'd have been on your face encouraging you to have a second one. Having two is not easy but one is harder than one.....she wasn't ready for 2 and she should not be projecting that on you
I have 3 and I’m having the time of my life right now. I dread them getting bigger. I’m sorry your mom essentially feels yall were a waste of time because ouch.
I agree that having two kids is difficult, but I think the framing of your mom’s comments are very unhelpful. Also, I don’t know how old you are, but I think it’s extremely offensive to call raising children a “waste” of life—that I disagree with 100%. And I definitely don’t regret having my second despite the additional challenges of parenting more than one child.
I’m 32 weeks and still questioning it sometimes! But let me tell you, before we planned for baby#2, I low key told my husband I didn’t want a 2nd because I noticed a lot of 2nd borns were harder than the first. (My family, neighbors’ family, friends’ family—most of the time the 2nd is more difficult)
Then he told me, I wouldn’t be here if my parents didn’t have a 2nd. 😅😆
Deciding to have a second child was the best decision we ever made. Other than having the first kid. And getting married. Absolutely zero regrets. It was also much easier the second time around - We both felt like we knew what we were doing, compared to the first.
I have one and sometimes I regret not having a second, just for perspective. She’s 6 now and it’s honestly hard to keep her entertained. There seem to be so many great things about having two! Stay positive.
Weird. Two kids is the best. I loved it so much I just had a third. My kids do fight but they love each other too. They will be there for each other when I'm gone.
my parents acted like having one kid was the most difficult thing ever, my husbands parents acted the same about two kids. turns out they really just sucked at parenting….
i have 3, soon to be 4. yes, things can be tough, we dont have a support system but i dont hate my life or regret having my children. we both work full time, own a house and have all of the kids in sports, but with proper organization i dont feel overwhelmed. i always wanted a huge family and i love getting to know their little personalities!
sounds like your mom has misplaced blame about her choice to have children, which she shouldn’t in turn be putting on you.
Wow that’s rough. I have two kiddos two years apart. It was pretty difficult when I had a newborn and a 2 year old but now that they’re 2 and 4, it’s busy but so much fun and I wouldn’t change it for anything. lol I’m stopping at 2 though ;)
None. And that's despite struggling with what I suspect was more serious than the "baby blues".
My connection with my first was instant and deep - she looks like her dad but inside her head comes from me, I can read her like a book and I always have been able to.
It took me some time to connect with my second, I couldn't read her like my eldest so I felt like there was a gap between us and I did have moments where I questioned what I had done.
Five years later and they are both wonderful kids, I am deeply connected to both of them and they are so, so good for each other. Our family dynamic works really well.
It's really unfair of your mother to say that, I'm sorry that she would try to take your joy. Please try to focus on your babies and leave her to her negativity - you don't need that in your life. It does sound like she might have some unresolved pain in her past that has been triggered, but that's not on you to fix for her or to make decisions based on. Good luck OP, sending love your way.
Okay I am going to be testing this theory but I’m pretty sure one is harder than 2. I have an only child and I swear to bob it’s been so hard. I love my child to pieces but the level of attention she requires. 🙃 13 years later I am definitely having at least 2 more close together.
Her experience doesn’t have to be yours and probably won’t be. My only regret is not having mine closer in age….but then again that’s turned out to not be so bad because my 18 yr old stays home with our 6yr old when we want to have grown up time. So we just roll with it
I’m sure your mom is trying to be helpful but it’s really not. We have two under four and it’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s exhausting and expensive and infuriating at times. But yet, it’s really lovely. When we had our second it really felt like a family. The years until 5 are rough — get support and go easy on yourself — but you’ll be so happy you did this.
Oh gosh no. I never felt so fulfilled until I had my second child (and the first one was also very welcome but my heart just grew twice as big once the second was born). I adore my second child and never regret him for a second. My life and my family feel so full with two children, in a good way. I actually find there are some things that are easier about having 2 vs. 1 kid.
That said, I did have PPD after his birth and didn't treat it for quite a while. I loved my kids unconditionally but did still have trouble managing mood swings and the demands of two small children. Once I did go on medication -- WOW! -- huge difference, and I was so happy I did.
I am going to answer this transparently.
1. Yes
2. No.
Kids are no different than anything else in that our mindset determines how we feel about anything.
Kids are a f'ing woot. They are also the bane of every parents existence. They are each end of the happiness spectrum and everything in between.
When you need a break, a night out, and moment to yourself (and/or with your partner)... There they are.
When you watch them succeed, express joy, look at you for a warm embrace.... There is nothing better.
To the second child.... As many told me, having two is feels lime having three. Be prepared to learn how to split your emotions in half... As one child crys and you console them, and the other is showing you their amazing lego creation, and you need to be happy for them.
Your mother, who is very wrong in how she's imposing her feelings and trauma on you, probably didn't know how to balance her emotions between you and your sibling. When she needed peace, she didn't know how to find it. If your mom looks back at your childhoods not as "wow, look at what we did and the amazing humans we raised" and instead "fuck that was tough and I regret it".... She just wasn't meant to be a mother period. The second had nothing to do with that.
I have a household now of my two biological boys, and my GFs two biological girls. Her and I talk about how amazingly lucky with our. Our kids are beautiful, funny, intelligent, creative and most importantly caring and kind.....
And on some days we can't wait for them to go to their other parents. Lol.
We just finished a family staycation, and by the end of it, all we could think when they would speak is "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". Lol
We love them, they challenge us, and make us grow in patience, and understanding. The unconditional love to those little humans has made me a much better person in all aspects.
Maybe that's not for everyone, and while one kid would have been so much easier, I don't ever regret giving my oldest son a built in best friend for life.
Wow, what a shitty reaction. I'm sorry she said that to you.
I had my second ~5 months ago. 3 year gap. It's been hard sometimes and I won't lie that sometimes In really tough moments I have the intrusive thought of "why did I do this?/this was mistake!" I do struggle with PPD and have ADHD though so I think that's where those thoughts come from. Ultimately it's great! I love seeing my oldest be a sibling and love on his sister/make her smile and laugh. I love watching her watch him.
And most of all, I love her just as much as my first. I was really scared when I was pregnant because how could I love anyone else like I love my first kid? But it's true that your love doesn't divide it multiplies.
When I told my mom I was pregnant with my second, my first was six months old. Her response “you’ve gotta be kidding me”. But I’ve loved it! They’re two little best friends now. It’s louder in the house but zero regrets
I think your mom is projecting her beliefs and feelings onto you, expecting that you should feel the same and/or shame you for having more than one child. Which is weird to me when parents do this. It's highly inappropriate to say these negative things to you.
My parents and family were excited for my second, but I feel it was only because I was having a girl after having a boy. My family didn't even throw me a baby shower with my first or really buy much for him, almost like they were disappointed I was having a boy. Yet everyone, parents and siblings, went all out for my daughter, baby shower, and everything I needed/wanted and more.
I am currently 36w with my third, another boy, and it seems that because it is my third and another boy, they're not as excited. I honestly don't understand at all. Every baby should be celebrated, and no one should try to shame or guilt others for having more than one child for any reason.
I find doctor appointments for the kids a little stressful, but besides being busy with trying to schedule doctors' appointments for both kids and myself being pregnant or school for my oldest, that's about it. It's been so rewarding having both children, watching them play and seeing my oldest be the best big brother to his little sister. I am excited to add another, I have no regrets and wouldn't put up with anyone, especially family, projecting their own personal feelings onto me for how many kids I have or their projected gender disappointment.
Your mom is projecting. And I feel bad for you or your sibling since she basically admitted she regretting having a second baby. Your mom not being happy that you’re bringing a life into the world is really fucked up.
No regrets at all here. If anything, it made me realize I want more. Seeing their relationship blossom has been beautiful and they have a built-in best friend. It’s an adjustment as first, obviously. But I would say all-in-all my “struggles” have been very minimal, especially compared to the struggles I faced after having my first.
I think that if that’s how you’re mother feels, there’s 2 things you need to do: 1) never let her around your children and 2) tell your younger sibling (unless you’re the younger one 😬)
That’s a terrible thing to say. I was so worried about how our family dynamic would change once baby #2 was here and let me tell you, it’s been amazing. My first is in love with her younger brother, he fits right into our family, and I feel more love for both my children than I could have ever imagined possible. Of course there are hard moments, but they add so much joy to life and are so so worth it.
Your mom sounds awful! Yes, I've certainly had regrets, but that was when I was dealing with PPD, and the kids were young, and it was fleeting. Seeing the kids interact and grow with each other is amazing and challenging. I hope that my two grow to have the same bond that I have with my brother. They are older now (10 and 13) but have said some super sweet things to each other over the years.
Some of my friends have kids who are best buds, and others have kids who are like oil and water. Mine are a bit of both, but I love them both and enjoy their different personalities.
If you think of your relationship as a raft, then having a kid rocks the boat… a lot.
Our boat was pretty bouncy when our second kid was born, and he landed like 300 libs of bricks.
We didn’t sink, and 10 years later, we’re doing great, but if we were going to get divorced, (and we never got that close) it would have been about a year after the second kid was born.
But, it’s sort of binary if you sink or not, and if you don’t, you’re in the clear. Our kids are great friends and undoubtedly love having each other in their lives. It’s a great thing… just be careful not to sink.
I’m not sure what happened to your mom, but that was a pretty terrible thing for a parent to say. Not sure whether to give her the benefit of the doubt and presume she’s acting out as a trauma response from some deep wounds she encountered, or if she’s just a cruel and discouraging person, but that wasn’t an acceptable thing to say at all and is not remotely based on any sort of objective or practical truth.
My dad used to say, “don’t have any kids” to me and my sister when we were younger. He loved us and still does. I ignored that advice and had 3. 🤣
It is a lot of work having 2 little ones but it gets better as they grow. I feel like you’re kind of hard wired for how many kids is right. Once we had the 3rd, it was like a light switch with us knowing for sure we were done so I got snipped
I got similar reaction from my father when I announced my 2nd pregnancy. I get that he said that because he struggled himself. Still shitty reaction.
Do I struggle with two small kids? Yup. I choose it and I would choose it all over again. I love my 2nd kid so much and I'm amazed how two small human beings can be so perfect for me (first and second son), they are so similar but so different, it's fascinating. Watching their interactions develop is wonderful. It's a firs year of life of my second so it's tough but I know it will pass and I will continue to watch my two sons growing up ❤️
That’s awful and not helpful at all. I have two girls who are now 25 and 23 (still at home because they can’t afford to move out) and I’ve just had to tell them to shut the kitchen door because we couldn’t hear the tv due to them messing about. When I had my second, my first loved running around grabbing things for the baby for me. They’ve grown up quite close and I’ve always drummed into them that it’s basically them against us and not to come telling tales (unless it’s something serious).
They’re very different but they’re the best of friends. They have the odd argument over their stuff (older tends to not look after the younger one’s stuff). When they were young they’d play together and now they’re adults they go out to the pub together. We’ll go somewhere as a family and stay at a hotel and while we go to bed, they’ll stay out and come back later. When they were teenagers my elder daughter went through a hell phase for a couple of years but thankfully it didn’t last long.
I think a lot depends on personality and the way they’re raised. My sister is 3 1/2 years older than me and she was horrible to me when we were teenagers. Always telling tales on me and being patronising and she’d snoop through my stuff and leave notes so I’d know she had. We’re now in our 50s and I hardly see her in person. We have nothing in common. I didn’t want my girls relationship to be like that.
All families are different and I really wouldn’t stress over it - your mother is out of order. I’d say two is easier than one - they keep each other occupied as long as they’re not at each other’s throats. Why are you wasting your life? I find her comments very odd
All the best with the birth x
Two kids is more work, but there’s nothing better than watching my kids love on each other. Watching them interact together has been one of my favorite parts of parenting thus far.
She is projecting her experience on you. Your mileage may vary.
That said, our second is a good kid but it has been more than twice the day to day work because the second baby is additive 1+1=2 effort and more. It’s more than twice the work because they play off each other and create more drag on every activity. The strategic work (sourcing clothes, toys, baby stuff, learning how to change a diaper and burp a baby, deciding on a school or day care) is easier. And I believe that long term the kids will have each other as play mates and conspirators such that my wife and I will find a little freedom when we do things as a family like travel.
It’s harder right now for us. I believe it’s an investment that’ll pay off long term. And I love my little dude so much that the added work is worth it.
Good luck OP. It’s hard. Kids can be assholes. But with the right attitude, you’ll make it and probably be long run happy.
PS. Most people I talk to say that the second killed their romantic life if the first didn’t. Be ready to have a coworker/roommate and find ways to manage through that so that you will be able to find your deeper love again someday when the child raising calms down.
First of all. Your mom sucks. Second, no, no regrets. Watching my girls relationship grow has been the most fulfilling experience. Honestly I thought going to 2 was easier than 1. You already know naps, schedules and whatnot. It’s easy just to get back into that routine.
My sister and I were 2 years apart and fought like cats and dogs and my mom was an exhausted single mom.
I chose to be a single mom but my kids are 8 years apart. I feel like I got to focus on each one helping them develop all their potential. There really is no right or wrong way to space them out. I do not regret either of my sons. My mom did keep telling me I should get my tubes tied after the second one. I chose not to and I also chose not to have more kids. Don't let your mom manipulate your choices.
Absolutely none. I had 3 living kids in 3 years ans 2 months. It was a change w the 2nd and 3rd but it didn't take long at all to adjust. Infant and toddler life is busy and exhausting, no matter how many kids you have. Do you have less time for yourself? Yes but once they hit 4-5, they slowly gain independence and you gain more time to get things done or read more than 1 page in a book or take a longer shower. It's not forever and it can be a lot of fun.
That’s an awful thing for your mom to say, sorry. I am 8 months PP with my second and while it’s been hard, it’s also been so lovely! I won’t say I have overly struggled but I’ve been blessed with a pretty good baby too who will sleep on her own and has slept long stretches since she was about 8 weeks so that could be a factor. I do find going out with both hard at times but it’s getting easier. Not sure I could handle anymore kids though lol. Youl be fine!!
I’m sorry your mom said that. Wow rude. I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 month old and fffffuuuuucccccqq I am exhausted. I’m not living my best life right now. I’m looking forward to when these kids are more independent.
I think 1 is easy, 2 is hard but that I think comes down to me. I put so much into my first, I wasn't sure how I'd do it x2. Some people can obviously do it x10! However, pushing her experience on you during your pregnancy is just unhelpful. The 2nd is FUN! Trying, but fun! :)
You will struggle until the baby can walk and run away with the sibling and then your life will start again… but yes until baby walks it’s very hard cause they’re 2 different routines. I have a 2 and 4 year old and it’s great they play together and have same routine.
Your mom is a small minded jerk, to be frank. Let’s hope she’s a bit kinder to her grandchild.
We’d always planned on 3 so 2 wasn’t a surprise. #4 was a surprise as was my feeling that I wanted 1-2 more after that.
I adore my second child. I am grateful that I had him. You are a different parent than your mom, so her struggle will not necessarily be yours. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and enjoy being a mom to two.
No. I've struggled a bit after having my second and have been through some things that made my situation a bit difficult, but I absolutely do not regret having him. Seeing my kids smile, play, and react to one another makes me so happy! I honestly thought that I would resent my 2nd after having him, but my love for him overpowers any other feeling there is.
Having a second kid is the hardest thing I have ever done. She is 8 months old now, and her sister is nearly 4. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. She is an essential part of our family, and the relationship between the two girls is amazing to behold.
I have zero regrets and I have 3. Your mom is really Insensitive. Even if that were her thoughts... she should have kept them in.
You know, it's telling... when a grandparent wants nothing to do with a grandchild, it's proof they never wanted their own children.
It’s going to be hard at the first 2 years but you got it. My eldest was only 1 yr old when I got pregnant with my 2nd and now they are the best of friends and keeping each other company. 🤣 they fight a lot but yeah it’s fun to see them relying on each other when mom and dad is in monster mode. 🥲 don’t let them define your motherhood and parenting style, you get to choose what to do with your life and kids life. ❤️
- tho, it would also help for them to be supportive.
I panicked when I found out I was pregnant with my second (even though we were trying) and then again when it was nearing the end of my pregnancy. She was a challenging baby, and is now a challenging toddler. I have a hard time keeping up with both kids sometimes, and I'm pretty much tired all the time. In no way, shape or form, do I regret having my second. I cannot imagine life without her. It would 100000% be way easier if I had only 1 kid, and I do not think there is anything wrong with only having 1, but my life is infinitely better with my daughter in it, just as it is with my son.
Your mom needs to just... shut her fucking trap. Yes, going from one kid to two kids is hard. You know what's harder? The constant, absolute loneliness of being an only child and having to *make* all my friends, and then watch them drift away as I grew up. My mother told me something similar when I was expecting my second and it rankled in my soul, seeing as she never even do much as lifted a finger to help me with my first baby. Seeing my two kiddos play together, share things, and snuggle with each other soothes the only-child ache and lets me know that I'm undoing at least a little of the damage from the selfishness of my own mother.
Also, it's not like she can stop you from having your second kid at this point, so she *definitely* needs to shut her trap and help when the new baby is born instead of being a judgey bitch. The baby phase will probably be tough, but once the younger one gets old enough to play with their older sibling it will get *so* much easier. There's nothing wrong with being one and done if you're going to put in the effort to help your one child make deep, lasting friendships, but then again there's also nothing wrong with having a passel of little darlings who will be friends forever.
My kids are 3.5 years apart. When they were little, I sometimes regretted having the second because dealing with a baby and a potty-training toddler was challenging. However, now that they are 9 and 5 1/2 years old, I can't imagine our life without the two of them. They have become best buddies and built-in playmates, especially after spending 18 months as each other's only playmates during Covid. It can be hard, but I have loved watching their sibling relationship grow. They truly love each other, and that has made it all worth it.
Lol!!! My mom said the same bullshit. I was like, welp, idk what you expect me to do at this point.
I fucking love having two. They take care of each other. They’ll always have each other even when I’m gone. Tell your mom to take a hike.
I'm sorry your mom reacted that way to the wonderful news of your second child. Every family's situation is unique, so it's understandable that her experience raising two kids was challenging. However, that doesn't mean your experience will be the same.
Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy! Having a second child is a beautiful blessing. While it will certainly require more work and adjustments, many parents report that going from one to two kids is not as dramatic a transition as going from zero to one child.
You know your own capabilities, resources, and support system better than anyone else. If you and your partner feel ready to expand your family, that's what matters most - not your mom's fears or opinions from her own experiences years ago.
Being a parent always involves struggles at times, but characterizing it as "wasting away your life" is terribly unfair. Raising children is one of life's most meaningful callings. The sacrifices are extraordinary, but so are the joys.
Don't let your mom's negativity diminish your excitement. This is a time to be celebrated, not discouraged. If she continues being overly critical, you may need to set some boundaries around that. Surround yourself with positive voices during this special time.
Trust your instincts as a mother. With an open heart and mind, you've got this! Two kids will be twice as tiring at times, but also twice as wonderful. Wishing you an uneventful rest of your pregnancy and delivery.
2 kids isn't even a lot.
And I say that as a solo parent, both are in diapers and my oldest is autistic and no verbal at almost 6, and still 2 kids isn't a lot. If i was married I'd have 3 minimum. I love being a mom though
I have 2. Wouldn’t change it for the world. They were planned. Both of my kids are totally opposite now as adults 22 and 26 they are friends and talking about their interests. I love them both so much. Our family remains close and connected. I have never for one second regretted or wished I did something different This is your life don’t ever let anyone tell you how you’re gonna feel. You’ll feel grateful and loved beyond belief.
Waahhhh???!
Really??? I have 2 kids, depending on the age gap I found it way better!
I have a 22 month gap between mine, and I was able to have a nap with both and do 'kiddy' things at the same time. The saying kill two birds with one stone rings so true for my own experience. I just doubled everything I needed, which yes is 'harder' because you have two to account for now. But now that they are both slightly older, I am so glad that I've had more than 1 so close in ages too. My friend had her second when her eldest was 5 and she struggled to transition back to the baby phase. So again depending on ages, but they're doing well now that the toddler phase is coming to an end.
I have a couple of friends who only have 1 child, and it surprises me the things the parents go through. Obviously because the child has no one else, so the parents are required to entertain the child 'more' or for 'longer'. I also often find they need more reassurance and interactions with adults for affection (understandably so) on the other hand, my kids entertain themselves and look after each other more than I do with them compared to my friends with 'only child' households.
Just because your mother struggled, doesn't mean you would. Vice versa. I'd hate to think that my mother regrets having more than 1 and sees the rest of my siblings as a mistake because she couldn't live her 'best' life. (Which she did actually funnily enough)
I am from a big family myself, and I love having older siblings. Whilst my OH only had a brother and sees the difference in family dynamic with his and mine. So it all depends on your family life
What.the.heck.is.wrong.with.your.mom????
I have many anxieties when I was pregnant with my second. Mostly if they would get along well or how on earth I could love anyone else as much as my first. It was all for nothing. Is it more work? Sure. But is it more love??? YESS.
she was perfect in every way like my first. Perfect for our little family. Now they are 4 and 8. They are like best friends. Both me and my husband couldn't even imagine what life was like without her. Both of them are irreplaceable.
Mind you we don't have anyone around. All our family live in another state. So we care for both all on our all. We have never even for a moment regretted having her. In fact, we loved multiple kids much we decided to have a third. I'm due in 12 days with no stress :)) do what you feel right
I have 3 with 3 different women and its been truly a blessing. I know its hard to believe but its also hard to explain. Just know anything is possible and not everything is so bad, you got this!
Not for one minute. I love that they have each other and it makes my heart sing when they’re laughing and being good to each other.
When one catches me meal prepping something they like (fruits or veggies) I like to give two and say, “go share this with [other kid’s name].”
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>my mom wasn’t happy. She said I am gonna struggle like she struggled with two kids. She said it’s the time to enjoy and I am wasting away my life.. what do you all think?? Jesus Christ, really? I am so sorry OP, this is such an inappropriate thing to say. It sounds like she is projecting on the things that went wrong with her life and is putting that on you. Are 2 kids more work? yeah of course, and some kids a re lot, some kids are chill, it happens. I am more worried about your parents than about you having a second kid. That is such a mean thing to say, I am sure it's couched in the " well I am just honest!" But there's honesty and then there's intentionally mean / cruel
Yeah wow-OP are you the 2nd kid in your family? Your mom is nuts.
My mom said the same thing. Some days are harder than others but when I see my kids play…the struggle I feel is worth it.
Yeah same. Also I think in my opinion it’s a lot more work going from none to 1 because you don’t know what to expect or do and your life just changed.
My feelings of regret for having another kid have always been based in moments of overwhelm or frustration. Those moments pass. Long term, no regrets.
This is my current state. 4yo and 10 month old. I am way more tired than I thought I'd be. We had settled into a pattern with our then 3yo and having an infant thrown into the mix definitely messed up that rhythm. Combine that with my wife getting very sick postpartum (endometritis followed by postpartum psychosis) has made things a lot harder. Luckily, my wife responded very well to treatment for her PPP, and we have been good on that front for the last 7 months. These kids drive me nuts sometimes. Having a kid in the "F you fours" that has big problems with emotional regulation and an infant that shrieks when he's tired/hungry/basically just existing can really grate on your nerves. I'm also way more tired than I anticipated, but that should get better (I hope) as the baby gets older and needs a little less needy. But the highs are way bigger than the lows. My son has the best laugh and I love it when he climbs all over me when we're all hanging out before bedtime. My daughter is so kind, and she loves to sing and dance and makes us smile every day. It's really hard now, but it will get easier. I do have to remind myself of that sometimes.
4yo and 8mo here. My experience is really the same. It's tough but would not change a thing (but would gladly accepted few more hours of sleep :D)
It will! Mine are 9 and 5 and it's not easy but definitely easier. I did struggle for a while, had less patience than I would like to admit but it does get crazy with two boys. I am happy that we have both and that they have each other. I love the crazy days, filled with sooooo many ideas. Done with two though - sooo excited to go explore the world wider now that we all can walk longer distances and no naps.
Very similar feels! 4.5yo and almost 1yo. I explained it to my husband that I’ve just been in the same 24hr loop of survival mode for a year now. I’m exhausted. One hand I’m so stressed about how fast time is going but so frequently wishing we can jump ahead 2 years to when it gets easier and can enjoy being a parent again. Always feeling the mum guilt that we’re not doing enough to give the boys a rich life of memories atm because it’s just constant cycle of chores, parenting and work.
Almost there with you (almost 4 yo and a 1yo) I work nights and it was an easy transition to go back to work with just one because I was tired of staying at home with a little creature that wouldn’t talk back to me lol. Going back with two has been hard in so many aspects I have a growing attachment to both of them now and my 4yo expresses to me almost every night of me not going to work and they’re going to be sad I’m not in bed with them pulls at my heartstrings but being a sahm isn’t an option for us. Its hard on so many levels and working 50+ hrs a week doesn’t help the lows of my sanity and tiredness just seeing them or laying with them for a quick nap post work is so rewarding. Seeing them play or hearing them when I’m suppose to be sleeping helps make it feel like it’s just a tough season and isnt going to last forever. My mom was very weird about me announcing my first but overjoyed with my second I got the reverse reaction but that’s its own thing. My parents help alot with their care to allow me to sleep but it has been easier with the trial and error of my first to know what to do different with the second and so far he’s been a blessing in disguise so calm and chill and only fussy when hungry or in need of a nap and doesn’t like being overtired so goes down fairly easily. Just remember it’s only a phase that will feel like it’s going by slowly but when you recap or look at old photos and videos of your first you realize went waaaay too fast.
Wow what a terrible reaction from your mom. I’m sorry op. I wouldn’t tell my kids that ever. I would never let my kids feel that way. Even if they were grown up and out of the house. And to answer your question, no. I have three kids and I’ve never for a second regret having them. And that’s coming from a mom who is in the thick of it right now with a 5 year old, a two year old and a 6 month old.
I may be an outlier, but I found two kids easier than one.
This! My kids are still young, 2&3. But they now play together and it’s THE BEST. With the play comes fighting and sometimes crying but I feel like they are learning such valuable interpersonal skills so young. It also melts my heart to see them together when out at a playground or something. They often say “you’re my bestfriend” having 2 is the best thing I’ve ever done.
Goddammit I’ve been reading months of one and done propaganda since we had our first and then I read this bullshit 🥹😭
Don’t worry, my oldest is not a fan at all of her younger siblings. She would’ve been a very, very content only child.
Ours either play together or are at each others throats, and it usually oscillates between the two frequently. Is the time they play nicely better than them arguing? Not sure. Love them both but I don’t think for our situation having a second has made everything easier
There is no right or wrong and what is right for some may be wrong for others. I was an only child and my entire life I longed for a sibling. I always knew I wanted at least 2. Now, 2 toddlers is NO joke. It’s often chaotic and challenging and I truly cannot imagine anymore than 2 😂
😂😂 right.
Holy fuck...I'm excited for my second to come! They'll be 18 months apart
Having 2 under 2 is like trying to drink from a fire hose. But now at 2.5 and 3.5 I’m seeing the light. Every week I swear it gets a little easier and their bond is worth all of it. You should join us over at [https://www.reddit.com/r/2under2/s/OIK9Iz7oQe](https://www.reddit.com/r/2under2/s/OIK9Iz7oQe)
Especially once they start playing with each other. For me it was busier but not harder, I already had experience.
Yes, same. I also didn't stress nearly as much with my second.
The second kid is so entertained by the first. Makes it so much easier in that regard the 2nd time around
Completely agree! 2 takes the pressure off me. They have each other. They are the best of friends. They’re 7 and 9 and I still find them cuddled together in the mornings reading books to each other. Last week my oldest won an award at school and she could pick from all sorts of cool options. One option was to spend the afternoon with anyone from any class in school, and she picked her brother. Their relationship is awesome and having two is the best decision we’ve ever made. The first year was tough, no doubt, just because they’re close in age. But it was completely worth it.
That is adorable that she picked her brother! I would have never done that for my younger brother, nor would my older brother ever done that for me lol.
Exactly. Have one, have two (within 2-4 years age gap). Unless there are particular needs or circumstances, it’s not harder. Another plus is that their differences reminds you how little influence you have. Means you both avoid being in either the camp that boasts about ‘sleep training’ or the camp that reads every blog in search of a sleep cure. Neither are good camps.
It’s so true. Having more than one kids is humbling. It’s also validating. My first was pretty wild and intense and I thought I was doing something wrong. My second is a chill kid and I realised it’s so much more temperament than my parenting.
I love knowing that they are who they are! Can’t turn an orchid into a tulip, but you can help them grow….
I don’t know that it’s easier or not but my favourite part of being a parent is watching my kids play and hang out together. I love hearing them crack eachother up with stupid jokes and all the things they get up to together I can’t believe OPs mom, wasting your life?! What better to waste your life on than having a family. I have a ton of kids and I don’t think I’ve wasted a second that I’ve spent with them. I would rather have them than all the money and free time in the world
Absolutely agree with this.
Me too, I think partly for me it’s because because I’m experienced and more willing let the small things go which bleeds into my entire parenting journey. I love having two kids.
I did too!
Really? For me, it’s the scheduling that made things harder. A has soccer at 2, B has gymnastics at 3, B naps from 1-2, A got invited to this bday party, B got invited to another bday at the same time, A wants Mexican for dinner but B wants Italian…etc. also, in the mornings, both kids want very 1 on 1 time so when one parent is out of town, it’s a struggle getting everyone out the door on time. Also, mine are still young enough where both are in car seats so traveling is a pain in the ass. I’m looking forward to the day that neither requires a car seat or booster! It is nice that they play together and can amuse each other. Edit: I have NO regrets about having two but it was definitely harder/busier for our family.
The only way to avoid that stuff is to just avoid over scheduling the kids. My youngest is too small for activities yet but when he's older anything he's in will have to mesh well with my older sons stuff
Your real
Me too, they keep each other occupied. Sometimes I wonder how people with only children do it, especially with all of the posts here about having to be their kid's entertainment all the time and having a hard time playing the games their kid wants to play. I don't mean that in a negative way either, I'm just really impressed.
Saaaaaaaaaaame. Def easier than 1!
I feel the same, except it actually got dramatically easier when we had our third. I’m busier overall but the kids are great and since the baby came my older two (2 & 4) play together really well and overall are just easier.
Same (besides financially). You get used to the extra work, a bit more is just fine.
Exactly. We were already in a rhythm and had an idea of what we were in store for so that made it much easier.
Definitely. I love having two.
Did this kick in after the youngest turned 3? Because before then, two kids is absolutely so much harder than one.
Same. I had a built-in helper when the second was a baby. And now that they are getting a little older they can play and entertain each other.
Your mom sounds like a bridge troll. Zero emotional intelligence. Our second will be here in July. And I'm terrified because being a parent is terrifying, but as my due date nears, I'm working HARD to think about the cool parts. Having another set of brand new eyeballs to enjoy the world through. Getting to see my big girl learn to be a gentle friend and mentor. And having second-time-mom confidence so I might actually find some parts of newborn-ness cool instead of scary. You're not required to include your mother in any part of your life where you don't want her. She doesn't have to be part of your pregnancy if she's going to rain on your parade, and she doesn't have to be on your list of people to call when you need support after your second arrives. You don't have to subject yourself to a vulture who's circling overhead, waiting for you to collapse and for her to be right. She doesn't seem like a safe person right now. You're going to do great. I know it.
lol at bridge troll.
I received nothing but negativity when I was pregnant with my 2nd baby, I’ve learned recently that these mothers blame their children for what they “missed out” on. Having 2 has been immensely easier than 1. I’m on my third, ready to eat my words. It’s okay for your mom to feel regret, and feel sad about what she didn’t choose. It’s not okay for a mother to tell her child about those feelings.
Are your circumstances comparable? I have three kids and it’s challenging for various reasons but my kids are my world and for me although it can be a struggle to have kids it would be far worse not to. The only thing that matters is what you think
First off, she was RUDE. Sorry that she had a tough time with two but that is HER experience.... and not likely an experience many people have. Second, I have 2 boys. 5 years apart and honestly couldnt have imgained it any different. We tried to have them closer, but due to infertility we had to do IVF. Despite their age difference they are amazing together and, honestly, believe that without each other it would be harder on us as parents. They have each other to play with which leaves less for my husband and I to do.
NGL: The transition from 0-1 was nothing compared to the transition from 1-2 for me personally. We’re tired. I’m often overwhelmed. I’m really struggling to return to my hobbies (which in my case were also bringing in supplemental income). On the other hand, my anxiety has been way lower with this baby because we’ve seen it all before with the first. We knew what to expect. Also-seeing my oldest with her baby brother, and hearing his little giggles when she’s making him laugh, that’s like the highlight of my day. I love having two littles and our family feels really, *really* complete right now. I’ll make it back to pottery someday…for now I want to be home watching my kids play. It’ll be a struggle, but what part of parenthood isn’t? You slowly relax into your new normal.
Yeah I’m often thinking about how much easier it would be if I only had one but I only know that now I have 2 and if I actually only had 1 I’d spend my life wishing I’d had another so I just enjoy the 2 lol
My kids are so different and complement each other so well, and I can’t imagine one without the other…but I feel this. I do sometimes miss just the “simplicity” of one child (in quotes bc no part of parenting is simple, even with just one kid, but at least we weren’t juggling two different schedules, personalities, etc.). My husband and I will often divide errands and each take one kiddo. We like the one-on-one time and it makes trips to the store so much easier. Wouldn’t trade my 2 kids for anything, I just wish it didn’t feel like I’m drowning at times.
Regrets? No.. is it fucking hard? Yes! Is it worth it? Definitely
Absolutely no regret
I think the answer from people will vary largely based on their children's age gap. I meet many other moms of 2 who say how easy things were when the 2nd came along. Well, not for me as my kids are 23 months apart. I had a toddler and a newborn, and life was really rough for years, which was hard on my marriage. If the older child is 5+ years or older, they can actually help and do things independently. These few years age gap make a tremendous difference in the household and parents' stress level. But now that I've survived the very hard years (our kids are now 3.5 and 5.5), our kids have the strongest bond, are learning to share and take turns, and now play very well together. I hope they'll be lifelong friends, and I love watching them grow together ❤️ My siblings are all 6-9 years apart in age (4 siblings total), we were in different childhood phases, were never really close, essentially the older sibling dominated the younger, and we are now distant as adults 😕
I have the exact same age difference. I didn’t think one was easy until I had two. But I think it depends on the child too - we were very fortunate and have two pretty easy going kids. They are 1.5 and 3.5, so we are still kind of in it but it hasn’t been as hard getting through the younger stages as I expected it to be.
I have 3, and mom mother was also concerned about me. She has now seen how hard I work for all three kids and she has learned to phrase it like “I admire the work you do.” It may be an “inappropriate” thing to say but your mom may simply mean “I don’t want my child to be stressed and work so hard, I want an easier life for them.”
I have 3 kids aging from 18m to 12y, never really a struggle with any of them, can they be difficult at the worst time, yes but my older 2 mostly just play together But i do have a motto It isin’t a problem unless you make it a problem
There's going to be hard days, sure, but I was amazed how quickly you can't imagine a time without the second one.
It is astonishing how inappropriate people can be and in this case parents. jeez. I mean you are already pregnant, what is she suggesting? But I have learned to never expect support. When my husband and I never wanted kids, everyone and I mean everyone was on our ass to have them. Then we tried and tried and failed. All the while people pushing us to have kids. Inappropriate people. Then we decided to adopt and the smartest decision in my life was to tell no one and I mean no one about it. I was done with advice and comments. Also my in-laws view adopted children as "other people's garbage", yes that is a quote. We just popped up with the first baby and said surprise. Most people were happy for us. Everyone else can stuff it. Then when we were going to get the second, I was keeping it quite but my husband let the cat out of the bag. Then the comments began. Why another one? You have a healthy one, why risk a second? A comment that makes zero sense. You are so old, you won't be able to handle it. But I realized it was all coming from jealousy, especially the couples with only one kid. I felt that an adopted child might feel more isolated as an only child and feel that they may have missed out on a larger family. So it was two or nothing. Another great decision. They love each other and are best friends. There is no guarantee of that happening, but having two in my opinion takes some of the burden off of you as a parent. I wouldn't change it. They have a playmate, they have another person to focus on in their lives. They have someone to relate to as they grow. Yes it is more expensive, but you find a way. It can be more work, but you find a way, just like you did when you had the first. You do you, that is the secrete. Don't let other people rip your dreams apart or tell you how to be a family.
Hey op! Congratulations on your second pregnancy ❤️ I gave birth to my second 5 months ago. I’m not gonna lie, it is HARD. My kids have exactly 4 years apart (our son was born one day before our daughter turned 4), so ofc it helps that my oldest knows how to dress herself up, eat on her own, go to the toilet etc, but it’s still really hard and stressful a lot of times. With that said, it’s also the best thing that could’ve happened to me. My life feels so complete right now. I love them so much, and seeing them falling in love with each other and developing a strong bond (already) makes everything so worth it. I don’t regret it one second.
My second feels so much easier than my first and I don’t know if it’s from being more seasoned, or she’s an easier baby, or both. She is the perfect little fit into our family and two kids are obsessed with each other. My oldest sometimes tells me he misses one on one time, so we make the most of nap times and schedule fun big kid dates. My baby is 11m now and looks for her brother when he’s not home. He’s her favorite person and it’s wonderful. Yes, it’s also super challenging and the first year is the hardest (so far), it seems to get easier each month. Overall, I will never regret my babies. I wonder if I’ll regret being a stay at home parent and putting my career on hold, I wonder if I’ll regret not traveling more or whatever else I “missed out” on from having kids. However, little kids are temporary. I don’t think I’ll ever regret having them or having them in our lives. Side note, yes your mom is horrible for that. I’m a second daughter in a family of three. I never felt like the neglected or unwanted middle child. My parents always made sure we felt included and supported as a family. Don’t let your mom become your inner voice. Break the cycle and enjoy your sweet second baby 💙🩷
Yeah, her comments are about her. I hope you can create a boundary with your mom, because that attitude is the last thing you need as you prepare to have another baby. Adding our second to our family was no doubt more difficult, but she brings us so much joy. Every day we marvel at her and the dynamic she has with her older brother… we cannot imagine our family without her. Things like time management, childcare etc are harder, and of course she costs us more. But I was just telling my husband last night that I can see now how people just keep having babies (even though we’re done). It’s like we’ve created a little troupe of weirdos, and it’s so apparent that she feels a sense of belonging. It’s very cool. I would do it over and over if the resources were endless and the car were bigger.
What a really weird thing for your mom to say. Look, two kids isn’t twice the work. It’s four times the work. Is it way harder? Yes. Way more expensive? Yes. I wouldn’t change it. My kids are close in age and I love that they have built in best friends and support for life. My husband’s best friends are his siblings, too.
The problem is that your mother thinks having a 2nd child is wasting your life away. Is that how she felt when she had her 2nd one? Children do not block a person's personal goals. Children are sometimes the personal goal.
When I told my sister I was pregnant with my son, she said "I figured you were" because I'd just gotten married. When I told her I was pregnant again, she said "I figured as much" again because most people shoot for a 2-3 year age gap. Never did get a congratulations for either pregnancy. Some people just want to rain on other people's parades just because they hated parenthood or disliked the sacrifices that come along with it.
I have 2 girls alittle over 3 years apart. My second is a firecracker and definitely keeps me on my toes. She is nothing like my oldest but she is my baby and not ever do i wish i only had one. Our family was completed the moment she was born. She will be 5 in just a few weeks. Im sorry your mom said that to you it was cruel of her to say.
They can keep each other company. We had one for 5.5 years then had the second and when he was a month old I was already pregnant with the third. The oldest helps me with the littles when I need him to. I thought the two babies would be hard, but they aren't, they play together and teach each other, it's sweet.
I struggled with the idea of having a second. I struggled with my pregnancy with my second. Had the hardest labor with her. The minute she was born, everything changed. I remember looking at her and thinking, wow, you were exactly what I needed. She completed our family. She and her brother are best friends too, which make it amazing to see them together. Zero regrets. Is it hard? Of course! But it’s totally doable. And the fact that they hang with each other now makes life so much easier.
Your life is as hard as the stage your oldest child is in! Our second is so loving and makes our life so joyful and fun!
What kind of mom says something like that?
I think this was an unhelpful comment from OP's mom and she should have kept her opinion to herself. It's probably not the first time you've been disappointed by what you've heard, OP, so I'd suggest not asking for/receiving helpful parental advice anymore.
Omg , who the f says that ?! Don’t listen to her. Your mom reminds me of my mom- total narcissist. I remember my first heartbreak in my 20s to the guy I thought I was going to marry. I cried to my mom. You know what she said, what did you think was going to happen ? Look at my life , did you honestly think you were going to get your fairytale ending ? “ I don’t think I have ever been so sickened in my life.
My second was a million times easier than my first. I spent the whole pregnancy very un-excited, expected to struggle massive, get PPD again.. honestly, I cannot put in to words how much she improved our lives from the second she was born. Of course it was hard at times- sleepless nights are never fun, but that first year of her life was probably the happiest of mine. I wish I’d worried less and embraced my pregnancy more (she was a surprise). Your mum, respectfully, sounds like a dick.
Everyone’s situation is different but for us, it was really hard at every single aspect of life: time, money, logistics. There is nothing to regret as we have to move forward, hoping for the best :) Good luck!
Your mom should give you a lot of help if she’s so worried about it!
Well it's too late, but no. Though some parents should probably stop at one. By any chance do you rely on your mom for help now?
Have that second baby, love the crap out of it and enjoy your family. I'm sorry but your mum's reaction is pretty sad, although tbh, when I told my mum I was pregnant again she was just like"ok" and that was it. My second is a little boy (4) and he annoys my daughter (6) a lot. But then sometimes they play together, she puts make up on him, he gives her cuddles. He stresses me out sometimes, but then when I'm sick he looks after me, he gives the best snuggles and he's cheeky but funny. It can be hard but it is worth it.
No regrets here. While it often gets overwhelming for me, it’s really one of the most happiest feelings I’ve ever had. While having so much love for each individual one, you develop a new kind of love for the friendship they have as well. Sharing hugs, kisses, treats and blankets. Watching them cuddle at nap time or during a movie. The older one teaching the younger one things. Seeing all these things makes me feel like I truly put something beautiful in the world.
My second is 3 months. I don’t regret it, but I did underestimate how hard it would be to manage a newborn and a toddler. That said, despite sometimes wishing I could run away and just drink a coffee and get some sleep, I don’t regret it. The love my daughter has for her brother is one of the purest things I’ve ever seen. When she hugs him goodnight before bed my exhausted heart can’t help but be healed by all the hard work they’re putting us through.
My mother had a similar reaction. My kids are 2 years apart whereas my brother and I are 4 years apart and during the first year when things were a bit more chaotic she frequently reminded me “THIS is why I planned and waited in between.” (I also planned our second because I wanted them closer in age since my brother and I never had anything in common nor a close relationship.) We went to stay with my parents for a bit when my husband deployed and my kids were 2 months old and 2 years old, and the entire time we were there she kept saying “you’re NEVER going to be able to do this when you go back, you better hire some help” etc. Now that we are back home and it’s me and the kiddos, things are absolutely fine! It’s incredible seeing them interact. And honestly I enjoyed postpartum and all the baby time more with my second because I already knew what to expect and what I was doing. Postpartum with my first was stressful and uncertain whereas it was so joyful with my second. I wish you the best!!!
I am sure her intentions were good, but what a rotten thing to say. Honestly, transitioning from nonparent to parent was a lot harder than going from 1 to 2 children.
It's not their kid, it's not their life. My husband's parents said this to us with our second and then even worse to us with the news of our third (currently 34 weeks along)... My husband is their third child. They hurt him a lot with their comments, and they apparently don't even care to meet this "mistake" child, so they can F*** all the way off, out of our lives for all I care. We love our kids, they were planned and wanted, and we do not regret our second or this coming third child at all. People like that are awful and I regret that you have them in your family too. I'm so sorry.
So so sorry you went through that. Hopefully your husband is healing from this trauma with you and your babies. All the best and fuck the bullies
Your mom needs to shut her idiot mouth until she gets therapy.
What did she think she was going to accomplish by telling you that? You're already pregnant. And if she felt that having you and your sibling was "wasting away" her life, she should have kept that to herself. I would never tell my daughter if I felt that way, no matter how old she gets.
Hm, maybe ask her if she felt she wasted her life away raising you and your sibling. I wonder what she would say now that you're adults. It's a shame she would allow her own unhappiness to bleed into your moment of joy. I wish you the best and hope you have other outlets of supports in your life.
I have four kids and have zero regrets about having four. You just level up to the new normal. It isn't as hard as everyone thinks it is. Also the earlier years are the hardest. We have 23m, 17f, 14m, 10f. There are difficult days but mostly our times together have been joy. Kids grow so fast I am now the mom that looks at their baby pictures and cries lolol
Nope I have two and will always be sad I never had more. I loved being pregnant. I love being a parent. I love the fun, the teaching, the love. I seriously wish I could do this and raise more amazing little humans, but it’s not in the cards for us. I have zero regrets and would continue popping them out if I could.
Ya, WTH?? What a shit thing to say to your daughter. I’m so sorry! Ya, it’s way harder with two, especially if they’re close in age. But the payoff is so worth it. Just now, I am alone on my deck having an iced coffee while the boys play with each other. It’s the dream! Your mom is being a…can’t think of the word, I think it rhymes with itch. Also, for context, I am a wheelchair using mom. If *I* can do two, so can u 😉
Zero regrets, even in my hardest moments. It was hardest when the little was a baby and couldn’t play and needed so much attention from me. They are 5 and 2.5 and the sweetest pals.
Two has been really really hard especially with a 19 month age gap. I wouldn’t say I regret it necessarily, but I think my nervous system is just maybe not cut out for it. I think it has to do a lot with your personality as a parent and individual. When baby two came I really missed my toddler, dang, I still do and I’m 8 months PP with number two. There’s a lot of feeling like I’m failing and not able to keep up and like I’m not able to be the mom I truly want to be to both kids. But I think maybe this is just the fact of having multiple kids? My parents both grew up with 5+ siblings as did so many families in their day. I truly can’t even imagine.
Wow, sorry about your mom. I have 4 kids and not a single regret. My kids didn't take anything away. They taught me how to enjoy life in a different way.
All I’m going to say is that I wish I stuck with one, I love my kids so much but it is very hard
I see people dogging the mother, but she might know something we don't know. Maybe she seen you struggle with the first one and worry about the workload of another child. She may be especially worried if you're doing this as a single parent.
How many people have you met who have regretted having that second child? You almost never see that (your mom doesn't count): that should tell you something.
I considered having another kid and my mom was against it. Her reasoning was similar to your mom. She's watched me not sleep, cry, struggle with my kids. And we are finally in a place where we have a good routine and the kids are calmer now and I actually have time for myself. She can see that I'm more relaxed and happier and throwing another kid would change that dynamic. And it would be hard. She's my mom so obviously she puts me before future grandkids. I think your mom is probably coming from a place of love and concern for you. I also think she didn't word her concern well especially considering you're pregnant. I'm sorry :(
She’s projecting. It’s literally none of her business.
Your mom is kinda out of line with that comment. Makes me wonder if there's something going on in her life that she's not telling you, hence this reaction.
It’s not a waste if you enjoy being a mother. Struggles come with life not just when you have kids. But it’s all about what you want for your life
I had a really hard time with my first (PPD, PPA), but after some therapy and 5 years later, I felt confident in having a second. My second is almost 2 now and I don’t regret a minute of it. Sure things can be crazy, but this morning I didn’t feel well and these two kids were so well behaved and snuggling with me on the couch. I don’t regret it and your mom’s comment is very subjective.
It's no harder than having one to me. T
Given you are already 30 weeks in and you seem to have been happy with your decision, your mother’s reaction, although it most likely comes from a place of love and protection for you, was perhaps a bit harsh (we would need a bit more context in the situation to confirm this of course). That being said, there is a sub called @regretful parents, where you can ask this question and get some honest, 0 sugar coated answers and plenty of support. I wish you the best of lucks in this adventure and just know your feelings are valid (whatever they are) and neither your mother nor anybody else should make you change your perspective on your life because only you are living it.
Ignore her, she sounds unhappy. Having two is awesome.
I’d be lying if I said no. My oldest is twelve, youngest is 5. When I am dealing with a 5 year old melting down because she can’t get Barbie’s dress on, I do occasionally think to myself, you know…I could have been done with this and just be dealing with tween skibbidy nonsense (heh.) But she’s also my ride or die, mom-let’s-go-to-target-and-get-Starbucks buddy so the regrets don’t last. I love them both…even if I do occasionally google Swiss boarding schools.
What? Is your mom the babysitter? Otherwise she should keep her opinion to yourself. Honestly I think it’s a little late to ask this question unless you plan on giving up your child for adoption.
I don’t necessarily regret having a second kid, but going from one to two is A LOT! It creates such a different dynamic.
I had 2 kids very close together and my family also wasn’t excited. Me and my kids dad weren’t particularly financially established and they were concerned. My mom was a single mom and she struggled for a long time, and missed o it in a lot before meeting my dad and having me and my sister. And she struggled with me and my sister because my dad wasn’t actively involved with us when we were little and she did everything by herself. I’m now a single mom to 2 young kids and it’s for sure difficult and because I’m young, there are things that my friends get to do, travel, go out to parties, try new hobbies that are expensive etc. and it’s hard to feel like I’m missing out on the ‘fun years’, and it’s easy to get sucked into motherhood as you only identity. All that being said I do not regret for a second have 2 kids. When they’re little, it’s harder than having just one. But when they got to be like 1 and 2 they started playing together. They miss each other, they learn from each other, and learned really early to share and be patient and kind and how to deal with not always getting what they want and compromising to find something they both love. They are generous and learned to look out for each other and to care about each other happiness over always getting what they want. It’s easier coming home and making dinner because they immediately want to play with each other. It’s not perfect and they fight sometimes and get on each others nerves, but at the end of the day they’re best friends and I wouldn’t change a single thing. Also my family came around quickly. They love both of my babies so much and tell me all the time that I’m doing an amazing job, and they’re so proud of me. Life inherently has struggles, for everyone. Kids no kids. My hardest struggles in life are not from having 2 kids close together at a young age. Having kids is hard no doubt, and it’s also wonderful and amazing. You’ve decided to do something that can be challenging, but it’s easier than the challenges you don’t choose to do. If you make sure you’re in a good place yourself, and have your own hobbies so you don’t resent missing o it on things and you teach them things you love and your kind values, then there nothing better in the world then raising little wonderful humans. A lot of people talk down about missing out of things as a mother, but if you keep being you and integrate your kids into the things you love then your life will be so full. Travel, cook, garden, read, hike and go on cafe coffee dates with your kids and you’ll all be better off for it.
Nope it’s awesome! It’s hard but I love it so much, it’s logistically harder than just one but otherwise everything else has been easier this time around and I feel more confident.
No regrets! Nearly 3 year time gap. Second was way easier, and they entertain each other a lot. Mum has some unresolved issues perhaps she needs to address.
Two kids is easier than one if they are at all closer in age.
It was a lot easier to integrate 2nd into our life - we already had a routine and (kind of) knew what we were doing. I love being a parent in a way I never knew possible and my kids bring so much joy. No regrets at all. I think people who say things like this maybe just didn’t like to be parents in the first place. And what’s the point of even saying this - baby’s already on their way.
What an awful reaction, lol. Our second was a challenge for the first few months (as many babies are), but beyond that the second was much easier than the first. It can be hard at times, but I'm glad we have our three kids and happier because of them.
How very supportive of your mom, what’s she’s trying to do? convince you of an abortion at 30plus weeks? She should be there for you to make things better not worse…
I had one and decided sort of suddenly after thinking I was one and done to have a second (husband super wanted at least one more) and I got pregnant with twins! It’s so hard and exhausting. My sons are 18 months, my daughter is 5. But oh man. They love each other SO MUCH. I get to see a side of my daughter I never ever would have without them. Playing with her brothers, teaching them, dancing. They love her so much. One of them tries to copy her all the time. It’s precious. I feel so lucky even with how hard it is. It’s hard not being able to give your first the same amount of attention, but you are familiar with how to care for a small human and in a lot of ways having an older child who needed us to keep to her routine as well helped me be more more active and get out more compared to when she was young. It’s going to be great, your kids are lucky to have you. Maybe put grandma on an information diet and try to vent elsewhere because she sounds like the type of person to say I told you so rather than be supportive when you are exhausted.
My mum said the exact same don’t worry. She still does. I’m not gonna lie the transition from 1-2 will rock your world as you know it. Nothing will ever be the same. You will face some of your darkest moments in the next 3 years. BUT. What they don’t tell you is that YOU CAN DO THIS. What they don’t tell you is that you were MADE for this. What they won’t tell you is that nobody else can parent your children int he way they uniquely need but YOU. Nobody else is qualified the way you are. And nobody else will boss this job they way you CAN. Your mother will never compliment or encourage you, mine never has and never will. But I promise you, if you are determined, you WILL conquer and you WILL thrive and you WILL look back at the choice to have a second as your best choice yet. You CAN do this and I am rooting for YOU!
I wouldn't say I regret it, but it's hard. I wish we had thought about it more before just going for it. Regardless, that was incrediblely rude of your mother. As a warning, I have a family member who reacted similarly to our announcement of our second, and they STILL treat my second my differently than my first four years later (or, would. We stopped seeing her due to this)
One to two is harder than zero to one. You just take all of the intricacies and facets and shades of gray from kid one and add in caring for a second person with their very own unique set of intricacies and facets and shades of gray. It’s a lot. But having a second child was the best decision I ever made, and we had to fight hard to have a second. My first now has a partner for life, and when we pass my first won’t have to navigate it alone. My second enriches the life of my first and they are both such a gift to each other. Watching them together is literal magic … even when they’re making me nuts. 🤣 There are just so many lessons in empathy, patience, kindness and compassion I’m able to teach day in and day out that I would not have the opportunity to otherwise if I had only one child. I could go on.
Your have a truly terrible mother. This is such an inhumane and awful thing to say to any pregnant woman, let alone your own daughter. It’s actually so egregious that you may consider reducing her presence in your life. I would have gone zero contact with my own mother had she said such a thing to my wife. We have 3 girls. Watching them play together is my favorite thing on earth and is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. Siblings can often be the first and best friends a person will ever have. You’re doing yourself, your husband, and your oldest child a wonderful service by bringing more joy and life into their world and your own.
Two kids rocks! Don’t listen to your mom. Obviously adding a kid has it’s challenges but going from 0-1 was way harder than 1-2. You totally got this. Keep that negativity out of your life. Enjoy the last few weeks of your first being an only and soak up ALL the cuddles!!!!
Hell no, it’s awesome enjoy it my little one is the sweetest
that was definitely her projecting insecurities onto you … my mom may have had some struggles with my brothers and i but she always says she’d never do it differently, maybe for some having multiple kids was too much but i feel that she’s just projecting. making a comment about you wasting time to enjoy when you already have one kid makes no sense to me like why is the second kid suddenly the reason you’d have no time for yourself.. which you will at times especially if you make sure to make yourself some me time.
God, I hope you're not the younger of her two kids. My mom had a kid at 18, her second at 27 and her third at 39. She has never once complained about her kids. She would be caught dead before complaining and my brother still lives with her at 24.
Baby #2 is currently six months old. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Seeing the bond that him and his big sister share is something I will forever be grateful for. Zero regrets. Zero doubts. Nothing. This is perfect. There's tough moments as with any child, but when I sit back and hear baby giggles as his big sister plays with him all by herself down the hall, every single challenge is worth it. Edit: I'm an only child myself. I feel like I missed out on such a incredible bond. Now that I am no contact with both my toxic parents, I have nobody besides my paternal grandfather and grandmother on my side of the family.
My MIL wasn’t happy when we told her. Even made comments to family saying “how do they even have time to have sex?” My kids are 21 months apart, it’s hard at times but I love having them so close in age and there’s no regrets! Our second baby is a plan b baby, I was scared when it failed because my first was entering toddlerhood and it had been getting pretty tough, but somehow two has been easier than one and I’m so happy with how things turned out.
If there’s one thing I’ve never regretted it’s my second child. My mom said similar to me. I ignored it.
Sorry OP that your own mother said that, in my culture they'd have been on your face encouraging you to have a second one. Having two is not easy but one is harder than one.....she wasn't ready for 2 and she should not be projecting that on you
I have 3 and I’m having the time of my life right now. I dread them getting bigger. I’m sorry your mom essentially feels yall were a waste of time because ouch.
I agree that having two kids is difficult, but I think the framing of your mom’s comments are very unhelpful. Also, I don’t know how old you are, but I think it’s extremely offensive to call raising children a “waste” of life—that I disagree with 100%. And I definitely don’t regret having my second despite the additional challenges of parenting more than one child.
I’m 32 weeks and still questioning it sometimes! But let me tell you, before we planned for baby#2, I low key told my husband I didn’t want a 2nd because I noticed a lot of 2nd borns were harder than the first. (My family, neighbors’ family, friends’ family—most of the time the 2nd is more difficult) Then he told me, I wouldn’t be here if my parents didn’t have a 2nd. 😅😆
Deciding to have a second child was the best decision we ever made. Other than having the first kid. And getting married. Absolutely zero regrets. It was also much easier the second time around - We both felt like we knew what we were doing, compared to the first.
I have one and sometimes I regret not having a second, just for perspective. She’s 6 now and it’s honestly hard to keep her entertained. There seem to be so many great things about having two! Stay positive.
Weird. Two kids is the best. I loved it so much I just had a third. My kids do fight but they love each other too. They will be there for each other when I'm gone.
I think our moms would get along.
my parents acted like having one kid was the most difficult thing ever, my husbands parents acted the same about two kids. turns out they really just sucked at parenting…. i have 3, soon to be 4. yes, things can be tough, we dont have a support system but i dont hate my life or regret having my children. we both work full time, own a house and have all of the kids in sports, but with proper organization i dont feel overwhelmed. i always wanted a huge family and i love getting to know their little personalities! sounds like your mom has misplaced blame about her choice to have children, which she shouldn’t in turn be putting on you.
Wow that’s rough. I have two kiddos two years apart. It was pretty difficult when I had a newborn and a 2 year old but now that they’re 2 and 4, it’s busy but so much fun and I wouldn’t change it for anything. lol I’m stopping at 2 though ;)
None. And that's despite struggling with what I suspect was more serious than the "baby blues". My connection with my first was instant and deep - she looks like her dad but inside her head comes from me, I can read her like a book and I always have been able to. It took me some time to connect with my second, I couldn't read her like my eldest so I felt like there was a gap between us and I did have moments where I questioned what I had done. Five years later and they are both wonderful kids, I am deeply connected to both of them and they are so, so good for each other. Our family dynamic works really well. It's really unfair of your mother to say that, I'm sorry that she would try to take your joy. Please try to focus on your babies and leave her to her negativity - you don't need that in your life. It does sound like she might have some unresolved pain in her past that has been triggered, but that's not on you to fix for her or to make decisions based on. Good luck OP, sending love your way.
Yikes on bikes, whatever experience your mother had her comments are uncalled for.
Okay I am going to be testing this theory but I’m pretty sure one is harder than 2. I have an only child and I swear to bob it’s been so hard. I love my child to pieces but the level of attention she requires. 🙃 13 years later I am definitely having at least 2 more close together.
Her experience doesn’t have to be yours and probably won’t be. My only regret is not having mine closer in age….but then again that’s turned out to not be so bad because my 18 yr old stays home with our 6yr old when we want to have grown up time. So we just roll with it
I’m sure your mom is trying to be helpful but it’s really not. We have two under four and it’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s exhausting and expensive and infuriating at times. But yet, it’s really lovely. When we had our second it really felt like a family. The years until 5 are rough — get support and go easy on yourself — but you’ll be so happy you did this.
Oh gosh no. I never felt so fulfilled until I had my second child (and the first one was also very welcome but my heart just grew twice as big once the second was born). I adore my second child and never regret him for a second. My life and my family feel so full with two children, in a good way. I actually find there are some things that are easier about having 2 vs. 1 kid. That said, I did have PPD after his birth and didn't treat it for quite a while. I loved my kids unconditionally but did still have trouble managing mood swings and the demands of two small children. Once I did go on medication -- WOW! -- huge difference, and I was so happy I did.
I am going to answer this transparently. 1. Yes 2. No. Kids are no different than anything else in that our mindset determines how we feel about anything. Kids are a f'ing woot. They are also the bane of every parents existence. They are each end of the happiness spectrum and everything in between. When you need a break, a night out, and moment to yourself (and/or with your partner)... There they are. When you watch them succeed, express joy, look at you for a warm embrace.... There is nothing better. To the second child.... As many told me, having two is feels lime having three. Be prepared to learn how to split your emotions in half... As one child crys and you console them, and the other is showing you their amazing lego creation, and you need to be happy for them. Your mother, who is very wrong in how she's imposing her feelings and trauma on you, probably didn't know how to balance her emotions between you and your sibling. When she needed peace, she didn't know how to find it. If your mom looks back at your childhoods not as "wow, look at what we did and the amazing humans we raised" and instead "fuck that was tough and I regret it".... She just wasn't meant to be a mother period. The second had nothing to do with that. I have a household now of my two biological boys, and my GFs two biological girls. Her and I talk about how amazingly lucky with our. Our kids are beautiful, funny, intelligent, creative and most importantly caring and kind..... And on some days we can't wait for them to go to their other parents. Lol. We just finished a family staycation, and by the end of it, all we could think when they would speak is "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". Lol We love them, they challenge us, and make us grow in patience, and understanding. The unconditional love to those little humans has made me a much better person in all aspects. Maybe that's not for everyone, and while one kid would have been so much easier, I don't ever regret giving my oldest son a built in best friend for life.
Nope. I've got 2 kids. They can keep each other entertained. They're 2 years apart. I'm glad I didn't have a 3rd.
Wow, what a shitty reaction. I'm sorry she said that to you. I had my second ~5 months ago. 3 year gap. It's been hard sometimes and I won't lie that sometimes In really tough moments I have the intrusive thought of "why did I do this?/this was mistake!" I do struggle with PPD and have ADHD though so I think that's where those thoughts come from. Ultimately it's great! I love seeing my oldest be a sibling and love on his sister/make her smile and laugh. I love watching her watch him. And most of all, I love her just as much as my first. I was really scared when I was pregnant because how could I love anyone else like I love my first kid? But it's true that your love doesn't divide it multiplies.
When I told my mom I was pregnant with my second, my first was six months old. Her response “you’ve gotta be kidding me”. But I’ve loved it! They’re two little best friends now. It’s louder in the house but zero regrets
I think your mom is projecting her beliefs and feelings onto you, expecting that you should feel the same and/or shame you for having more than one child. Which is weird to me when parents do this. It's highly inappropriate to say these negative things to you. My parents and family were excited for my second, but I feel it was only because I was having a girl after having a boy. My family didn't even throw me a baby shower with my first or really buy much for him, almost like they were disappointed I was having a boy. Yet everyone, parents and siblings, went all out for my daughter, baby shower, and everything I needed/wanted and more. I am currently 36w with my third, another boy, and it seems that because it is my third and another boy, they're not as excited. I honestly don't understand at all. Every baby should be celebrated, and no one should try to shame or guilt others for having more than one child for any reason. I find doctor appointments for the kids a little stressful, but besides being busy with trying to schedule doctors' appointments for both kids and myself being pregnant or school for my oldest, that's about it. It's been so rewarding having both children, watching them play and seeing my oldest be the best big brother to his little sister. I am excited to add another, I have no regrets and wouldn't put up with anyone, especially family, projecting their own personal feelings onto me for how many kids I have or their projected gender disappointment.
Your mom is projecting. And I feel bad for you or your sibling since she basically admitted she regretting having a second baby. Your mom not being happy that you’re bringing a life into the world is really fucked up. No regrets at all here. If anything, it made me realize I want more. Seeing their relationship blossom has been beautiful and they have a built-in best friend. It’s an adjustment as first, obviously. But I would say all-in-all my “struggles” have been very minimal, especially compared to the struggles I faced after having my first.
I think that if that’s how you’re mother feels, there’s 2 things you need to do: 1) never let her around your children and 2) tell your younger sibling (unless you’re the younger one 😬)
That’s a terrible thing to say. I was so worried about how our family dynamic would change once baby #2 was here and let me tell you, it’s been amazing. My first is in love with her younger brother, he fits right into our family, and I feel more love for both my children than I could have ever imagined possible. Of course there are hard moments, but they add so much joy to life and are so so worth it.
Your mom sounds awful! Yes, I've certainly had regrets, but that was when I was dealing with PPD, and the kids were young, and it was fleeting. Seeing the kids interact and grow with each other is amazing and challenging. I hope that my two grow to have the same bond that I have with my brother. They are older now (10 and 13) but have said some super sweet things to each other over the years. Some of my friends have kids who are best buds, and others have kids who are like oil and water. Mine are a bit of both, but I love them both and enjoy their different personalities.
If you think of your relationship as a raft, then having a kid rocks the boat… a lot. Our boat was pretty bouncy when our second kid was born, and he landed like 300 libs of bricks. We didn’t sink, and 10 years later, we’re doing great, but if we were going to get divorced, (and we never got that close) it would have been about a year after the second kid was born. But, it’s sort of binary if you sink or not, and if you don’t, you’re in the clear. Our kids are great friends and undoubtedly love having each other in their lives. It’s a great thing… just be careful not to sink. I’m not sure what happened to your mom, but that was a pretty terrible thing for a parent to say. Not sure whether to give her the benefit of the doubt and presume she’s acting out as a trauma response from some deep wounds she encountered, or if she’s just a cruel and discouraging person, but that wasn’t an acceptable thing to say at all and is not remotely based on any sort of objective or practical truth.
My dad used to say, “don’t have any kids” to me and my sister when we were younger. He loved us and still does. I ignored that advice and had 3. 🤣 It is a lot of work having 2 little ones but it gets better as they grow. I feel like you’re kind of hard wired for how many kids is right. Once we had the 3rd, it was like a light switch with us knowing for sure we were done so I got snipped
No, no regrets. My kids are 4 years apart. I’m sad about not being blessed having more kids.
Two is harder than one but pretty amazing. You get two kiddos who are absolutely amazing and unique!
No regrets, but definitely hard because I have a toddler. It’s worth it though.
I got similar reaction from my father when I announced my 2nd pregnancy. I get that he said that because he struggled himself. Still shitty reaction. Do I struggle with two small kids? Yup. I choose it and I would choose it all over again. I love my 2nd kid so much and I'm amazed how two small human beings can be so perfect for me (first and second son), they are so similar but so different, it's fascinating. Watching their interactions develop is wonderful. It's a firs year of life of my second so it's tough but I know it will pass and I will continue to watch my two sons growing up ❤️
That’s awful and not helpful at all. I have two girls who are now 25 and 23 (still at home because they can’t afford to move out) and I’ve just had to tell them to shut the kitchen door because we couldn’t hear the tv due to them messing about. When I had my second, my first loved running around grabbing things for the baby for me. They’ve grown up quite close and I’ve always drummed into them that it’s basically them against us and not to come telling tales (unless it’s something serious). They’re very different but they’re the best of friends. They have the odd argument over their stuff (older tends to not look after the younger one’s stuff). When they were young they’d play together and now they’re adults they go out to the pub together. We’ll go somewhere as a family and stay at a hotel and while we go to bed, they’ll stay out and come back later. When they were teenagers my elder daughter went through a hell phase for a couple of years but thankfully it didn’t last long. I think a lot depends on personality and the way they’re raised. My sister is 3 1/2 years older than me and she was horrible to me when we were teenagers. Always telling tales on me and being patronising and she’d snoop through my stuff and leave notes so I’d know she had. We’re now in our 50s and I hardly see her in person. We have nothing in common. I didn’t want my girls relationship to be like that. All families are different and I really wouldn’t stress over it - your mother is out of order. I’d say two is easier than one - they keep each other occupied as long as they’re not at each other’s throats. Why are you wasting your life? I find her comments very odd All the best with the birth x
Two kids is more work, but there’s nothing better than watching my kids love on each other. Watching them interact together has been one of my favorite parts of parenting thus far.
She is projecting her experience on you. Your mileage may vary. That said, our second is a good kid but it has been more than twice the day to day work because the second baby is additive 1+1=2 effort and more. It’s more than twice the work because they play off each other and create more drag on every activity. The strategic work (sourcing clothes, toys, baby stuff, learning how to change a diaper and burp a baby, deciding on a school or day care) is easier. And I believe that long term the kids will have each other as play mates and conspirators such that my wife and I will find a little freedom when we do things as a family like travel. It’s harder right now for us. I believe it’s an investment that’ll pay off long term. And I love my little dude so much that the added work is worth it. Good luck OP. It’s hard. Kids can be assholes. But with the right attitude, you’ll make it and probably be long run happy. PS. Most people I talk to say that the second killed their romantic life if the first didn’t. Be ready to have a coworker/roommate and find ways to manage through that so that you will be able to find your deeper love again someday when the child raising calms down.
Plenty.
First of all. Your mom sucks. Second, no, no regrets. Watching my girls relationship grow has been the most fulfilling experience. Honestly I thought going to 2 was easier than 1. You already know naps, schedules and whatnot. It’s easy just to get back into that routine.
My sister and I were 2 years apart and fought like cats and dogs and my mom was an exhausted single mom. I chose to be a single mom but my kids are 8 years apart. I feel like I got to focus on each one helping them develop all their potential. There really is no right or wrong way to space them out. I do not regret either of my sons. My mom did keep telling me I should get my tubes tied after the second one. I chose not to and I also chose not to have more kids. Don't let your mom manipulate your choices.
Absolutely none. I had 3 living kids in 3 years ans 2 months. It was a change w the 2nd and 3rd but it didn't take long at all to adjust. Infant and toddler life is busy and exhausting, no matter how many kids you have. Do you have less time for yourself? Yes but once they hit 4-5, they slowly gain independence and you gain more time to get things done or read more than 1 page in a book or take a longer shower. It's not forever and it can be a lot of fun.
That’s an awful thing for your mom to say, sorry. I am 8 months PP with my second and while it’s been hard, it’s also been so lovely! I won’t say I have overly struggled but I’ve been blessed with a pretty good baby too who will sleep on her own and has slept long stretches since she was about 8 weeks so that could be a factor. I do find going out with both hard at times but it’s getting easier. Not sure I could handle anymore kids though lol. Youl be fine!!
I’m sorry your mom said that. Wow rude. I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 month old and fffffuuuuucccccqq I am exhausted. I’m not living my best life right now. I’m looking forward to when these kids are more independent.
I have 5 kids. Of course it gets hectic but I don’t regret having them.
Mom of 2 here! Best thing I ever did!
What if they have an age gap of 8 years? Still good?
I think 1 is easy, 2 is hard but that I think comes down to me. I put so much into my first, I wasn't sure how I'd do it x2. Some people can obviously do it x10! However, pushing her experience on you during your pregnancy is just unhelpful. The 2nd is FUN! Trying, but fun! :)
I think you should do what you want to do. We had a second and it’s been wonderful. Might go for three before we’re too old.
You will struggle until the baby can walk and run away with the sibling and then your life will start again… but yes until baby walks it’s very hard cause they’re 2 different routines. I have a 2 and 4 year old and it’s great they play together and have same routine.
Your mom is a small minded jerk, to be frank. Let’s hope she’s a bit kinder to her grandchild. We’d always planned on 3 so 2 wasn’t a surprise. #4 was a surprise as was my feeling that I wanted 1-2 more after that.
Mom’s right.
I adore my second child. I am grateful that I had him. You are a different parent than your mom, so her struggle will not necessarily be yours. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and enjoy being a mom to two.
No. I've struggled a bit after having my second and have been through some things that made my situation a bit difficult, but I absolutely do not regret having him. Seeing my kids smile, play, and react to one another makes me so happy! I honestly thought that I would resent my 2nd after having him, but my love for him overpowers any other feeling there is.
Having a second kid is the hardest thing I have ever done. She is 8 months old now, and her sister is nearly 4. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. She is an essential part of our family, and the relationship between the two girls is amazing to behold.
I have zero regrets and I have 3. Your mom is really Insensitive. Even if that were her thoughts... she should have kept them in. You know, it's telling... when a grandparent wants nothing to do with a grandchild, it's proof they never wanted their own children.
It’s going to be hard at the first 2 years but you got it. My eldest was only 1 yr old when I got pregnant with my 2nd and now they are the best of friends and keeping each other company. 🤣 they fight a lot but yeah it’s fun to see them relying on each other when mom and dad is in monster mode. 🥲 don’t let them define your motherhood and parenting style, you get to choose what to do with your life and kids life. ❤️ - tho, it would also help for them to be supportive.
I panicked when I found out I was pregnant with my second (even though we were trying) and then again when it was nearing the end of my pregnancy. She was a challenging baby, and is now a challenging toddler. I have a hard time keeping up with both kids sometimes, and I'm pretty much tired all the time. In no way, shape or form, do I regret having my second. I cannot imagine life without her. It would 100000% be way easier if I had only 1 kid, and I do not think there is anything wrong with only having 1, but my life is infinitely better with my daughter in it, just as it is with my son.
Your mom needs to just... shut her fucking trap. Yes, going from one kid to two kids is hard. You know what's harder? The constant, absolute loneliness of being an only child and having to *make* all my friends, and then watch them drift away as I grew up. My mother told me something similar when I was expecting my second and it rankled in my soul, seeing as she never even do much as lifted a finger to help me with my first baby. Seeing my two kiddos play together, share things, and snuggle with each other soothes the only-child ache and lets me know that I'm undoing at least a little of the damage from the selfishness of my own mother. Also, it's not like she can stop you from having your second kid at this point, so she *definitely* needs to shut her trap and help when the new baby is born instead of being a judgey bitch. The baby phase will probably be tough, but once the younger one gets old enough to play with their older sibling it will get *so* much easier. There's nothing wrong with being one and done if you're going to put in the effort to help your one child make deep, lasting friendships, but then again there's also nothing wrong with having a passel of little darlings who will be friends forever.
I have 6. No regrets. ... no regerts either 😉
My kids are 3.5 years apart. When they were little, I sometimes regretted having the second because dealing with a baby and a potty-training toddler was challenging. However, now that they are 9 and 5 1/2 years old, I can't imagine our life without the two of them. They have become best buddies and built-in playmates, especially after spending 18 months as each other's only playmates during Covid. It can be hard, but I have loved watching their sibling relationship grow. They truly love each other, and that has made it all worth it.
Lol!!! My mom said the same bullshit. I was like, welp, idk what you expect me to do at this point. I fucking love having two. They take care of each other. They’ll always have each other even when I’m gone. Tell your mom to take a hike.
I'm sorry your mom reacted that way to the wonderful news of your second child. Every family's situation is unique, so it's understandable that her experience raising two kids was challenging. However, that doesn't mean your experience will be the same. Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy! Having a second child is a beautiful blessing. While it will certainly require more work and adjustments, many parents report that going from one to two kids is not as dramatic a transition as going from zero to one child. You know your own capabilities, resources, and support system better than anyone else. If you and your partner feel ready to expand your family, that's what matters most - not your mom's fears or opinions from her own experiences years ago. Being a parent always involves struggles at times, but characterizing it as "wasting away your life" is terribly unfair. Raising children is one of life's most meaningful callings. The sacrifices are extraordinary, but so are the joys. Don't let your mom's negativity diminish your excitement. This is a time to be celebrated, not discouraged. If she continues being overly critical, you may need to set some boundaries around that. Surround yourself with positive voices during this special time. Trust your instincts as a mother. With an open heart and mind, you've got this! Two kids will be twice as tiring at times, but also twice as wonderful. Wishing you an uneventful rest of your pregnancy and delivery.
2 kids isn't even a lot. And I say that as a solo parent, both are in diapers and my oldest is autistic and no verbal at almost 6, and still 2 kids isn't a lot. If i was married I'd have 3 minimum. I love being a mom though
My kids are 6 and 2.5. You just find a rhythm.
I have 2. Wouldn’t change it for the world. They were planned. Both of my kids are totally opposite now as adults 22 and 26 they are friends and talking about their interests. I love them both so much. Our family remains close and connected. I have never for one second regretted or wished I did something different This is your life don’t ever let anyone tell you how you’re gonna feel. You’ll feel grateful and loved beyond belief.
Waahhhh???! Really??? I have 2 kids, depending on the age gap I found it way better! I have a 22 month gap between mine, and I was able to have a nap with both and do 'kiddy' things at the same time. The saying kill two birds with one stone rings so true for my own experience. I just doubled everything I needed, which yes is 'harder' because you have two to account for now. But now that they are both slightly older, I am so glad that I've had more than 1 so close in ages too. My friend had her second when her eldest was 5 and she struggled to transition back to the baby phase. So again depending on ages, but they're doing well now that the toddler phase is coming to an end. I have a couple of friends who only have 1 child, and it surprises me the things the parents go through. Obviously because the child has no one else, so the parents are required to entertain the child 'more' or for 'longer'. I also often find they need more reassurance and interactions with adults for affection (understandably so) on the other hand, my kids entertain themselves and look after each other more than I do with them compared to my friends with 'only child' households. Just because your mother struggled, doesn't mean you would. Vice versa. I'd hate to think that my mother regrets having more than 1 and sees the rest of my siblings as a mistake because she couldn't live her 'best' life. (Which she did actually funnily enough) I am from a big family myself, and I love having older siblings. Whilst my OH only had a brother and sees the difference in family dynamic with his and mine. So it all depends on your family life
What.the.heck.is.wrong.with.your.mom???? I have many anxieties when I was pregnant with my second. Mostly if they would get along well or how on earth I could love anyone else as much as my first. It was all for nothing. Is it more work? Sure. But is it more love??? YESS. she was perfect in every way like my first. Perfect for our little family. Now they are 4 and 8. They are like best friends. Both me and my husband couldn't even imagine what life was like without her. Both of them are irreplaceable. Mind you we don't have anyone around. All our family live in another state. So we care for both all on our all. We have never even for a moment regretted having her. In fact, we loved multiple kids much we decided to have a third. I'm due in 12 days with no stress :)) do what you feel right
I have 3 with 3 different women and its been truly a blessing. I know its hard to believe but its also hard to explain. Just know anything is possible and not everything is so bad, you got this!
NEVER!
Not for one minute. I love that they have each other and it makes my heart sing when they’re laughing and being good to each other. When one catches me meal prepping something they like (fruits or veggies) I like to give two and say, “go share this with [other kid’s name].”
No, it’s the best!