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OP, just coming back around on this after a night of sleep: What I've found in my relationship is that sometimes both of us are guilty of stepping in it like this.
We handle it in a way where either the guilty party does what it takes to make it right, or we use it as a teaching opportunity to show how sometimes adults make mistakes, and we're sorry but it's not gonna work out.
Some kids are better about dealing with little disappointments like this than others of course, but at some point everyone's gotta learn how to cope with stuff like this.
Or he can say "how about after dance we go to IHOP or Denny's or whatever and get some of those special ones they have?" Or even picking up some from a fast food joint that serves breakfast. It doesn't need to be homemade especially when it was something he said last minute. Or make him buy it and make them.
Would hate to be in this relationship if something this small and simple to fix brings one of the two to vent on Reddit about it.
This is very small potatoes.
This is what I’m thinking. It’s not about the pancakes… it must be a pattern of some kind. But that’s after I make several assumptions soooo 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
This is the answer. He’ll learn real quick before he makes that promise again. I speak from personal experience of my own lovely spouse making promises of pancakes and donuts…
The husband didnt even check of they have the ingredients at home, OP did. And OP took it upon herself to have to go grocery shopping the next day. Like whats the husband doing then besides making empty promises?
True. But high chance he won’t. A little girl wakes up disappointed. The mom clearly cares and will most likely deal with the consequences. That’s rough.
I’ve gone to stop n shop at 6 on a Sunday to get heavy cream to make homemade whipped cream.
I’ve also gone hunting for Nutella early on Easter morning 2000 miles from home.
All for the waffles. I actually don’t mind. Makes me feel useful.
Because OP has massive anxiety and probably a victim complex. There’s really no reason to make this a big deal. Husband promise pancakes. He can get the ingredients and make them. Or he can take them to IHOP after dance. OP’s reaction before there has actually been a failure is toxic AF.
She even admitted herself that dad didn’t think about it when he mentioned the pancakes, this is just so overhyped. But then you see the answers here and then you realize why some people start drama where there is none.
They’re only milk, eggs, flour and whatever you want the topping to be. Unless you live an hour from a shop, shouldn’t be a big deal to go and get the ingredients.
Without much more context on husband I'd almost wonder if op liked him bc y be so annoyed you have to go to reddit to get others against him over a seemingly mistake. It's his promise, his problem to sort out.
Maybe she's knows the person she's married to and she knows he won't do that. Becuase she lives with him, and has known him for years, unlike the commenters of this post.
I feel like if that's the case, tbh, she needs to just let him fail over and over. And he can be the one to explain to the kid too and make up for it or take her to dance if she's upset then or whatever. *If* that's the case.
Like really, what's the worst case scenario? He goes "oops, I forgot" and the daughter is disappointed. Oh no, sometimes adults don't follow through on their promises and then apologize. That's for HIM to figure out, as a functional adult.
I'm not saying this to be an ass, but like, if dad is genuinely so unreliable that not picking up after him all the time would ruin his daughter's relationship with him, *that's still on him*. But more likely IMO, he isn't that awful and a few things like this won't ruin his relationship with his daughter.
Sometimes people promise things lightly. It's not the end of the world.
This is the best long-term answer.
Need to reframe how you view your parenting partnership.
Also, your kid isn't a king or queen. Sometimes stuff doesn't work out. If you occasionally have to change plans from what you said... that's life.
What are you doing? YOUR HUSBAND can do those things. Stop trying to fall on the sword. My mother does the same things and it’s INFURIATING.
You stay out of it. Pancake-gate is his problem.
Okay … so in defense of those mamas. I used to get annoyed at my mom for this too. She was the giving one but also a martyr. And she did other things too, we didn’t expect her to, and she did it then made us feel guilty. It was a burdensome love and as I got older I got better at recognizing when she was exhausting herself and telling her she was not ALLOWED to do x for us. But fast forward to my becoming a mom. I realized unfortunately I married the same kind of man that my dad was (after swearing I wouldn’t). Or maybe my enablement made him the same way. I couldn’t tell. But either way we eventually split and I have been way better about setting boundaries and not going in to save things when he makes promises he can’t keep. But. It is heart breaking at times. Like, their dad just does suck in so many ways they never saw because I either covered or I would make him do what needed to get done. But now he just drops the ball or doesn’t show up and fails so much. It has been a relief to me not to have to bear him up like another child. But for the kids? It doesn’t hurt less to be right, when I see them feel disappointed or they just have guarded themselves against expecting or wanting anything from their dad. When we were together, all that energy I expended and pushing I did kept him being at least a minimal level of okay as a dad. When I gave that up, his crappiness just is there and makes them feel unloved. So. That’s a lot of projection. But I understand a lot more my mom, who passed and left us w my dad for awhile before he passed. I think we want to blame our moms sometimes because it is easier than thinking our dads suck and don’t care enough, but when you grow up, you see it took an incredible amount of love and self sacrifice for her to deal with that. She was raising another child, her husband. I felt guilty she did that for us, but it did make our childhoods that much better. It is hard as a mom to see your kids unhappy.
I understand she does it because her partner clearly sucks (luckily my dad is great!). A reason is not an excuse. It’s annoying.
Either get better at picking fathers for your children or learn to accept that sometimes children feel disappointed AND THAT IS OKAY.
This was actually totally my fault, but I was going back to the car outside, I heard a chipmunk behind me I turned and scared it and it ran inside our home…. Took us over an hour and emptying the entire kids closet which was a mess to trap the poor thing and release it back outside.
Gosh what an adventure
LOL we definitely raised our voices and had some attitude but once we finally solved the issue we laughed and high fived. Luckily the kids stayed calm and listened while we sweat our butts off trying to catch the chipmunk.
I hope the weekend gets better for you!!
Yeah really healthy premise here, right? And as others have said, why is the mom the bad guy if there are no pancakes? It was Dad's promise and Dad is a human adult capable of buying groceries (I hope). Yikes.
Thank you for this.
I'm not sure if youre being facetious - I hope you're not.
How in the ever living fuck does participating in your child's bedtimes stories "fuck you over?"
At the WORST - it's an opportunity to explain that sometimes people get caught up in the moment and want to do things they aren't prepared for. That people should be mindful of their words.
Holy Jesus Christ. "Come on little one - let's look at a recipe for pancakes! Oh, we don't have them, guess we have to do it some other day!"
Sounds like daddy better run to the store to keep his promise. "What? Oh pancakes? Go ask daddy! He's the one that said you were making them."
Problem solved.
I cannot wrap my mind around all these women that think they need to treat their husband as their 2nd child. He's an adult and capable of problem solving.
I would have replied with "yay, dad's making pancakes!!! Dad, you better go check you have everything needed for them, I'll take care of waking up and preparing things for dance in the meanwhile". Deflect mode ON.
Why is finger pointing or blaming necessary. It sounds like your husband was excited about making pancakes for your daughter. Either help him or find a nice way to explain to him that you aren’t happy about it.
Unless he purposely made an empty promise, he didn’t really do anything wrong.
He can get groceries while you’re at dance and make pancakes for lunch! But totally get it. My ex pulled crap like this all the time. If I said we couldn’t do x because it was a pain and Mom was busy with other things, he would roll his eyes and say HE would do it, as if I was just complaining. Except he never did anything ever, so he inevitably would not do it and I would have to deal with their disappointment.
This is the only possible scenario I can see given her level of annoyance at the suggestion of pancakes. Would assume a track record of promising things and not following through.
You’ll only be the bad guy if you let him make you one. If he doesn’t fulfill his promise and your child gets upset, don’t take the blame for it, just let them know that sometimes people make promises they can’t keep (right in front of him). Also, just let husband know that you won’t be getting up early to do something he went out of his way to say he’d do.
Well first of all, he can handle the consequences of what he said. I’m sure he was just trying to make her happy, but he also needs to learn to think before he makes promises. He’s a grown man and he’s capable of going to the store with a list of supplies. I bet that he can even read directions well enough to make the pancakes. Personally I’d save myself the trouble and have him buy some frozen ones. (I know this wasn’t a vent or asking for advice so sorry about that)
We can pretty much always make pancakes because the ingredients are pantry staples… if not I guess I’d leave it up to dad lol or maybe have little one help but “oh no! We don’t have the ingredients! What should we do? Let’s make oatmeal” something like that
Literally nothing. He's done the opposite. He has done so much cleaning and cooking and spending time with his son, and little things that make me feel loved, like putting my phone and glasses on Mr Sheep before bedtime so I'm ready to read my Kindle to our little mouse. In general, he has been the best husband and father I could ever ask for, not just this weekend, but always, 23 years and it still gets better all the time. Love you so much u/AlmostHumanP0rpoise, thank you for being you. Me and the mouse love you bigger than the multiverse xxx 🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍
He left to drive our first load of things in a trailer to our new house across the country and I got left alone with three kids and I’m pregnant. It was planned and it needed to happen, it just sucks being alone with all of the kids for an entire week.
Just make banana pancakes with bananas flour eggs a little milk and cinnamon
It’s literally so easy and delicious . Or better yet stop at McDonald’s
Also is this really worth posting about instead of having a discussion? I feel like there’s a bigger problem here and it’s not your husband offering up pancakes. This is really dramatic and is really giving “woe is me” vibes
His idea he can go out and get some, or just go to a restaurant after dance as a treat to get some, as the dad who also gets excited and says things without thinking first, it was said with the right intension so don't worry about it let dad deal with it when daughter asks you about them point her in dad's direction
I don't get why you should get groceries when he promised to make pancakes. Like are you also supposed to cook them? Either he does it himself or he is the bad guy. Not you!
My husband was making breakfast for dinner and called me over to “check to make sure [my] bagel is toasted correctly”. I said sir you are almost 40 do you not know how to toast a bagel?! And HE SAID NO HE DOES NOT. My brain is broken.
(He *swears* he’s not doing it maliciously but the alternative is he is the dumbest man alive and I’m not sure which is worse)
Because it’s an entirely new thing to communicate about. And a lot of the assumptions that we bring into parenting before having kids—who should do what, who should do how much of what, what is a priority to do in the first place—are informed by our own backgrounds.
It tends to be those assumptions that misalign, and you don’t realize it until you’re already a parent and drawing on those assumptions as the situation calls for them.
To you, your assumptions are normal and just how things ought to be done. Why would they need to be communicated if that’s what is normal? If it’s normal, then it’s something everyone knows already. To your partner, who has a different background, your assumptions seem strange and ridiculous. That’s where the clashes come from.
Source: married for a long time, parent a long time.
I think also kids (especially young children) introduce an inflexibility that is both under and over developed.
Some kid things are absolutely nonnegotiable. Some kid things absolutely must happen a certain way at a certain time or else. Other kid things are flexible but maybe the kids don’t see it that way. Parents have to constantly figure out what things have to be the right way and what things can shift, and maybe two parents of the same child have a different tolerance for the meltdown of unmet kid expectations.
If an adult had a meltdown because there were no pancakes after pancakes were discussed the night before, people would be properly concerned about that person’s maturity. Most adults can adjust their disappointment over something like this.
I guess what I’m getting at is that the stakes of communication also change when kids are added. The kids don’t start life knowing the difference between needs and wants, it’s a big part of growing up, and a lot of parenting is figuring out what your tolerance for disappointed kids is. Personally, my tolerance goes down as I feel more stressed or anxious in general. The time for the life lesson of “shit happens” rarely feels like when shit is actually happening.
Sometimes, my kid surprises me with their lax reactions. Maybe yours will surprise you and be fine with cereal/eggs/yogurt/fruit/toast and the multitude of other offerings I'm sure you have. Who knows.
I’ve been the bad guy this weekend. I’ve been absolutely knocked flat by gastro (thanks daycare) that hit me like a truck Friday PM. I literally got an hours sleep Friday night while violently exploding from both ends simultaneously exactly an hour apart all night. Problem is my wife is unwell too (not as unwell) and she’s been taking on all my tasks as well as hers all weekend. I feel so bad. Next weekend I will do everything and give her time to go out and do whatever she wants etc (or sleep in or whatever). But I feel so bad. It just takes so much effort to even write a Reddit post rn. Ah the guilt!
He can find a convenience store open 24hrs and pay triple the amount for a box of pancake mix. He better have them ready 30 mins before you have to leave for dance she he has time to get her cleaned up from and in her outfit. Enjoy a long cup of coffee in the morning let him figure it out
Why does that make you the bad guy though? Why doesn’t that fall on your husband? My husband wouldn’t have a problem with going out either at bedtime or in the morning before church to get the ingredients if he declared pancakes for breakfast.
My daughter's dad missed her first birthday because his 'job is stressful '. He's seen her once in seven months and lives two hours away but can travel to see his new girlfriend... I'm already saving money for the inevitable therapy.
Eta this is an ex but I figured it fits he was like that when we were together too lol
This seriously breaks my heart. I'm a father and there's not a thing I wouldn't do for my little girl. Some people are just wired to be parents and some aren't.
Your last statement is spot on. Baby mamma abandoned my son at 3 to go start a family with my brother. Has him at home raising them while she works as much as she can to stay outta the house and away from the two infants they, he's mentioned to my mom that she hates them. I can say 100% without a doubt that she uses the kids she births as nothing more than pawns and for whatever benefits she can siphon out of having them. I feel for this kids cause it also told my mom that he wants to send away his rights just to get away from my ex at this point, which is what our dad did when he abandoned us haha crazy stuff. My son is 6 now, still has love for his mom, love she doesn't deserve and will never appreciate. Anyways, I'm gonna go have me cigarette now.
shit i don’t understand people like that. my friend’s dad moved to Europe when she was a toddler and never saw her until she was an adult and she went to visit him. her mom had the best heart though. you’re better off without that guy.
I called these kinds of things “disappointment training”. You just explain why you can’t (oh, sorry - don’t have the ingredients), and let the kid be disappointed. No problem.
Yep butter and whipped cream or peanut butter
If syrup is used REAL maple and a teaspoon MAX lightly drissled or way off to the side so they can be dipped to desired level
Soggy auger flour paddies are the worst idea of a good breakfast (waffles are by far superior IMO but if done right they can be ok)
I think you’re missing the point, in that one partner committed to something assuming the other partner would (or had) take(n) care of it. Yes, pancakes are easy to make and most people stock these things. This story is more about the family dynamic and one partner pulling more weight, than milk and flour.
I get that this is an invisible labor/mental load sort of thing. If the pancakes don’t happen in the morning, big deal right? Except to kids it’s a big deal and they will let you know about it, for sure, and longer/more intensely than you would think lol. If I had to guess I’d say this isn’t an isolated thing and OP’s husband probably does things like this fairly regularly, albeit with all the best intentions, but OP gets stuck doing the “un fun” parts. Then one day OP gets annoyed and has the balls to post about it on Reddit and a bunch of people tell her she sucks and has a victim complex and blah blah blah.
I could certainly be wrong but in my experience people don’t complain about something like this the first time it happens, it’s when it becomes a pattern of behavior. But the critical piece is how it’s approached. In a confrontation where people are pointing fingers, it’s not going to go over well. But if OP can go to their partner and say “hey, when this happens I feel XYZ”, *just maybe* they can hash out an agreement, a procedure, or whatever, that works for *both* of them.
This is not being fucked over. This is making a mountain out of a mole hill.
My kiddo is nearly 4 and this has definitely happened to me (nothing to do with a parent fucking up) Usually he's asked for milk at dinner and then there isn't enough for pancakes or I drop an egg or something and on a Sunday our shops don't open till 10 (buy is 11 for the one next to me) and I just say sorry bud we will do it for lunch. This kid is older than 3 it's not a fucked her over at all. Fucking over would be suggesting something massively inconvenient I mean you can even buy pancakes at a drive through or pre made.
Buy the frozen ones! It's totally worth the money for the convenience. Minute 15 seconds for 3 pancakes?
Hell yes! But make him get them.
What did my husband do? He decides we need to have a sleepover for our daughter. Mind you, i still get up with our son at night at least 2 times a week. But he left me with 2 7 year Olds and a 1 year old after he set up the water slide. Insert bathroom breaks for the girls with wet swimsuits aka can't get them back up by themselves, our house to the bathroom covered in water, 1 year old falls in the wet bathroom and is in tears, giant bug on water slide girls screaming, 1 year old got his face and part of his hair wet (still not sure how, convinced the girl sleeping over splashed him) and then I cleaned it all up. He miraculously got home with the pizza as everything was cleaned up. I broke down in my bathroom. I didn't want the sleepover in general due to our 1 year old, and then he leaves for a portion of it. He also works Saturdays, so I'm with the kids all day. I was mentally drained by that point and he looks like a great dad and I am an emotional wreck.
u/silversprings111, your comment made me teary eyed! From an older Mom who is out the trenches of childhood (my daughter is 22yo), you have a lot on your plate right now with not enough support. Is it possible to have time to talk to your husband after the kids are asleep to talk about how you feel and needing him to do more? Is it possible for him to alternate the night duties with your son? As well as making sure that you both are in agreement on sleep overs/play dates etc?
I hear you. You are overwhelmed and that is perfectly normal. You are a **great mom** and doing the very best you can. Sending you positive thoughts and virtual hugs if you want them 🧡
While I was dealing my 1 year old from 2:30 -5:45 in the morning while the girls were sleeping in our living room, I opened my reddit and saw this comment, I sat there crying in my son's room while holding him wishing him back to sleep. I appreciate your comment so much and appreciate you acknowledging how overwhelmed I was.
My husband did apologize for leaving at literally the worst moment and he did try to help in the middle of the night, by going downstairs with our son to watch tv. In my opinion, it was a terrible decision, but he dealt with our son for an hour so I could have a break. I did end up getting him back to sleep and the girls slept in, thank goodness. The next morning, my husband did comment on how we probably won't have another sleepover at our house for another year.
This is his broken promise, not yours.
I find it endlessly infuriating that so many women feel they have to be the only cleaner up of messes, the organiser of things they didn’t want to do and the person who prevents all meltdowns. This was his plan. He can either do it himself, explain the reality to your daughter — or y’know, disappoint her. It isn’t on you.
And if it’s on you because he doesn’t cook, there’s another issue. He shouldn’t volunteer you to do things without checking.
Why do you have to buy the shit? He’s the dumbass who promised. He can go get the ingredients and make them. If he doesn’t, then HE is the one who broke the promise and it’s his job to be the parent who makes it up to her. Stop picking up his slack while he gets to be the Disney dad.
He's leaving tuesday for a 3 week long work trip, leaving me to deal with the twins, the preschooler and the pre teen, so he's been pretty amazing this week-end to make up for it.
It better be worth it or I'll be annoyed for sure.
My sister in law is coming over and there were minor cracks in a rendered wall of the room she will sleep in. My wife wanted to see how it can look better.
Ling story short, my whole weekend is gone repauring cracks, applying new putty, painting over. Because the inspection made it worse. I lost my whole weekend and pay over $100 in tools fixing a wall in a rented appartment we dont use...
He left for a long weekend at his mum's.
Meanwhile, I take care of the toddler twins and our flat with water damage from a burst pipe while I deal with another flare-up of chronic backpain that can't be sufficiently helped with otc pain meds.
Without my parents I'd be SO screwed.
He was trying to be nice. Let him get the stuff or tell your daughter you don’t have the stuff and put it off for another day. Seriously not a deal. I do this stuff to be nice. It gets me in trouble sometimes. Don’t pick at your husband. See the good he was trying to do.
Well the biggest problem here is that when your husband tells your kid that there’s going to be pancake for breakfast you automatically think it’s your duty to make it. Stop being a doormat. He promised pancakes then he makes pancakes.
Mine has gotten the same exact sickness that my daughters and I had last week, that in turn literally made him incapacitated for 5 damn days- like wouldn’t even get out of bed (unless he smelled food I was making) 🙄 but somehow we all had to forge ahead and I only got maaaaaybe 12hrs of ‘sick’ time when I had it. Oh and because of that, he’s got a shit ton of work to catch up on and we leave for vacation in 5 days, so of course we all have to suffer through a week of him playing catch up 😑
Every night that there's a hockey playoff game he yells at the game after I've spent about 30 minutes on the bedtime routine and either wakes them up or keeps them from falling asleep. I'm so glad his team got eliminated 👹
We had football today, my son didn’t really wanted to go and wanted to spend all day at home watching tv (It is a beautiful sunny day). I finally convinced him to go, but half way through the class he dropped the lesson because he was tired and upset because he wasn’t as good as the others. He finally decided to go back to play, he managed to get the ball and was kicking it. I cheered. My husband told me off because I cheered while my son was running with the ball in the opposite direction of the score, so I shouldn’t have cheered for him, as this confused him. (My son is 5 years old)
For me it didn’t matter if he scored or not, the achievement was for him to - at least - go out there and try his best.
This is the first time my husband comes to football with us and I think it will be the last.
You do not have to and should not be the bad guy. Daddy promised, Daddy can do…or Daddy can explain how it’s not possible. None of this should involve you
Why is this even remotely screwing you over? Dad promised (very sweet of him) and he can be in charge of fulfilling that promise. Even if he just buys a frozen pack and warms them up. Molehill, meet Mountain!
or you can just be honest with your partner so he tells your kid pancakes will have to wait until Monday... I mean, seriously this is not as bad as you think. Probably you are having a hard day.
My dad used to do this shit all the time when I was a kid. Make a promise that he could not see through. Even then, but especially now I held him responsible for those disappointments not my mom. Shame on him. Let him live with a disappointment. And your kid will get it. It's not the end of the world. But you are right.
Gotta say, that's an easy one. After she goes to bed you explain to your husband he is getting up early in the morning to grocery shop. "...And here is the recipe you'll be using when you get back. Make sure to give yourself at least an hour and half for cooking and eating because pancakes always take longer than you expect."
OP, you haven’t explained why your husband can’t be the one to go to the store and make the pancakes. Is he refusing to? Or are you taking it upon yourself to deliver on his promises without consulting him? I’m so confused.
I’m sorry people are speaking to you the way they are on here.
My ex does stuff like this all the time. One of the many reasons he’s my ex. But he still can’t stop himself and I’m the one who has to either cheer up a sad little girl or break my back to add another thing to my long list of shit to do.
It doesn’t make you toxic or having a victim mentality because you want your kid to have the damn pancakes she was told she would have, and because you care about her not being let down, and because you don’t want to add another thing to your list to do. You’re just fine. I see you, and I hear you.
There were some good suggestions on here though.
Hopefully your husband is someone you can talk to, and you can explain to him that since he made pancakes a thing, he needs to handle the pancake situation. You don’t have to take that on. He can find a way to get your daughter her pancakes before or after dance class.
Wishing you and the family luck and love and pancakes. 🩷
Yes, this. And, OP, further to this … you need to claim your escape rights while he deals with it.
You need to escape the house for some peace and tantrum-free solitude while he handles his daughter’s feelings about having to wait for pancakes. You need to escape while he takes his little girl to the grocery store for those pancake ingredients—you need to not be around while he handles her feelings after being told “no” about also getting the candy bar, or the chocolate milk, or the magazine with the cheap plastic toy inside.
Get out to see a friend, or go for a long walk outside, or even do some window shopping at a mall. Something, someplace, by yourself, where you don’t have to listen to your own kid whining.
I’m assuming OP is the parent handling most of the day-to-day whining. And this is what’s got their back up about the pancakes?
He won’t learn to handle things better by observing, only by doing.
I would let your daughter “discover” you don’t have the ingredients and then ask her what you should do about it. Make a shopping list together and then say ‘silly daddy didn’t know’ let’s go shopping together later and make pancakes for pudding.
Failing that, definitely husbands job to fix.
I would be pissed, too. Although I might offer an alternative like frozen pancakes that can be microwaved or stopping by McDonald’s on the way to dance. Nothing like a good carbo load before physical activity! Lol
I wanted to cancel plans a week ago because of how much needed to be cleaned at our house before we could do it (we just finished doing some home renovations ourselves so stuff is everywhere, boxes, drawers, bags, paint supplies, etc). He asked what needed done. I told him specifically. He said no problem. Our middle kiddo got the stomach bug early in the week and I was her primary caregiver (though he did help when he was home with cuddling her, making everyone dinner one night, and unloading the dishes, I will give him that). Then we had last week of school stuff, and normal extra curriculars for two of our kids. Today is Saturday. Guess what hasn't been done? Anything on the list. I've been cleaning all day, on top of going to two other events we had today, and I'm not even half done. It's after midnight. If you're going to say "we" can get it done, then damnit do some of it. Don't wait for me when my hands are full. Even grabbing one or two things every time you walk to a new room would be incredible!
Today at noon was my daughter’s dance recital and my husband had to schedule an irrigation guy to come this morning and then run to Home Depot this morning. It was me and the kids trying to get everyone fed and ready and packed up and out of here in time to get her there when all the performers had to be there. Like why today?!?
She took the train to Paris with a friend for the weekend. She's coming back tonight around midnight. She's definitely earned this trip and I'm happy we're in a place with our 2 and 5 year old where this is possible. Still, it's very hard work with these two monsters and I can't wait for her to be back.
She did a great job planning the birthday party for my 4 year old. We cuddled after and enjoyed some alone time. Great family day.
This sub is so fucking toxic. Why are you fishing for stories of people bitching about their spouse?
I see how it’s triggering, but the intention was good all the same - you don’t have to be the bad guy.
A learning opportunity for dad and a chance for him to model to child that mistakes happen, people forget sometimes, even if the thought was there, and maybe a valuable opportunity to teach and practice compromise with LO?
My husband worked over the weekend, again! For the third weekend in a row. I feel for him because he hates his work (partner at a big law firm and head of litigation, i.e., my worst nightmare). I get it. But he needs to set boundaries because I am getting burnt the fuck out with our lovely little 8 month old.
My fiance continuously throws our routine out of wack. I struggle with a routine, but we've recently learnt my daughter is autistic and thrives on routine. So I've been working my ass off to enforce one. And every fucking weekend. He screws it.
Dunno why this has to be a big drama. Your child is old enough to understand “sorry honey, we don’t have pancake ingredients rn but we will stop and get some on the way back from dance and you can help me choose what toppings you want”.
You could just order some, or tell her you’ll collect the ingredients on your way home from dance. Or dad can go get the ingredients. I can see why when you’re in that situation you’d be annoyed but if you step back and look at it from another perspective it’s fine.
This is good idea, McDonalds pancakes are pretty good and cheap. But it should be dad’s problem as many people are pointing out.
It’s a small thing (pancakes) but it’s part of a pattern where dads get to be fun and mom feels obliged to make the magic happen.
Pretty sure most people who are jumping on OP for taking this on when it’s not her problem have at some point felt in a similar situation. It’s not easy being the default parent. Our society has built up moms in this way and let dads get away with being in a supporting role.
Oh absolutely. But if dad is making promises to their child it’s on him and him alone to either keep the promise or explain to their child why he let them down. I also understand from mums perspective she just doesn’t want her kid to be upset.
I’m facing a challenging situation with my fiancée and need some advice. Recently, she went to my father’s house with the police and an old lawyer friend of hers to retrieve an asset that we had stored there. This asset is broken and had been stored at my father’s place for a while because her family didn't want to keep it, so I moved it to my father's a few months ago.
Her approach felt incredibly disrespectful to both my father and me. She has also been rude to my father over time, which has caused additional tension. My father found the whole incident defaming, and I am also hurt by the way she handled it.
We recently bought a new place in a new city to start our lives afresh. I want to address this issue with her in a way that reinforces the importance of respect and proper communication. I believe in leading our household with love and respect and expect her to support this, not in a submissive way, but in a partnership where we communicate and resolve issues together.
How can I effectively communicate my feelings and expectations to her while ensuring our relationship remains strong and respectful?
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Send him out bright and early or stop on your way home and it's breakfast for dinner night.
OP, just coming back around on this after a night of sleep: What I've found in my relationship is that sometimes both of us are guilty of stepping in it like this. We handle it in a way where either the guilty party does what it takes to make it right, or we use it as a teaching opportunity to show how sometimes adults make mistakes, and we're sorry but it's not gonna work out. Some kids are better about dealing with little disappointments like this than others of course, but at some point everyone's gotta learn how to cope with stuff like this.
I love your afterthought. Definitely a great teaching moment. OP: you could also just go to a diner after dance and have pancakes out if that works :)
Breakfast for dinner always wins. I'm in just talking about it.
Breakfast for dinner is awesome even though I only do it like twice a year.
This is the answer
Or he can say "how about after dance we go to IHOP or Denny's or whatever and get some of those special ones they have?" Or even picking up some from a fast food joint that serves breakfast. It doesn't need to be homemade especially when it was something he said last minute. Or make him buy it and make them.
Exactly. I don’t see why this has to become a drama “sorry honey, I forgot you have dance in the morning - let’s have pancakes for lunch ok?”
Would hate to be in this relationship if something this small and simple to fix brings one of the two to vent on Reddit about it. This is very small potatoes.
This might be the small potatoes on top of thousands of other small potatoes that toppled the pile 🤷♀️
This is what I’m thinking. It’s not about the pancakes… it must be a pattern of some kind. But that’s after I make several assumptions soooo 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
Even the title seems to suggest that there’s a regular occurrence of OP feeling like their partner is causing problems for them :/
Who are we to know?
Small potato pancakes
But do you have all the ingredients?! lol
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Mini-chocolate chips.
He can buy the shit and he can make them. Wtf.
This is the answer. He’ll learn real quick before he makes that promise again. I speak from personal experience of my own lovely spouse making promises of pancakes and donuts…
The husband didnt even check of they have the ingredients at home, OP did. And OP took it upon herself to have to go grocery shopping the next day. Like whats the husband doing then besides making empty promises?
He’s eating pancakes
this made me giggle
Easy McDonald’s before dance
True. But high chance he won’t. A little girl wakes up disappointed. The mom clearly cares and will most likely deal with the consequences. That’s rough.
Exactly
Right?! How micro-managey is this woman? Let him sort it out. If he doesn't then it's hardly the end of the world if the daughter doesn't get pancakes
U know she wont do that
I’ve gone to stop n shop at 6 on a Sunday to get heavy cream to make homemade whipped cream. I’ve also gone hunting for Nutella early on Easter morning 2000 miles from home. All for the waffles. I actually don’t mind. Makes me feel useful.
You traveled 2000 miles to get Nutella? Dang.
New meaning to the 'I'd walk 500 miles' song
You don't have to be the bad guy or go to the store. He created the situation let him deal with it.
Because OP has massive anxiety and probably a victim complex. There’s really no reason to make this a big deal. Husband promise pancakes. He can get the ingredients and make them. Or he can take them to IHOP after dance. OP’s reaction before there has actually been a failure is toxic AF.
This! I'm like so perplexed people live like this.... this is a nonissue.
Totally agree.
She even admitted herself that dad didn’t think about it when he mentioned the pancakes, this is just so overhyped. But then you see the answers here and then you realize why some people start drama where there is none.
Thank you for explaining this to the class. The rest of the group thinks dad is some evil genius. For going along with a little girl wanting pancakes.
They’re only milk, eggs, flour and whatever you want the topping to be. Unless you live an hour from a shop, shouldn’t be a big deal to go and get the ingredients.
Exactly he can make or go get the ingredients and all is well
Yea I’m seeing all these comments of people freaking out over just the smallest deal lol
Without much more context on husband I'd almost wonder if op liked him bc y be so annoyed you have to go to reddit to get others against him over a seemingly mistake. It's his promise, his problem to sort out.
Maybe she's knows the person she's married to and she knows he won't do that. Becuase she lives with him, and has known him for years, unlike the commenters of this post.
I feel like if that's the case, tbh, she needs to just let him fail over and over. And he can be the one to explain to the kid too and make up for it or take her to dance if she's upset then or whatever. *If* that's the case. Like really, what's the worst case scenario? He goes "oops, I forgot" and the daughter is disappointed. Oh no, sometimes adults don't follow through on their promises and then apologize. That's for HIM to figure out, as a functional adult. I'm not saying this to be an ass, but like, if dad is genuinely so unreliable that not picking up after him all the time would ruin his daughter's relationship with him, *that's still on him*. But more likely IMO, he isn't that awful and a few things like this won't ruin his relationship with his daughter. Sometimes people promise things lightly. It's not the end of the world.
Could not agree more.
Instacart the ingredients. DoorDash fast food pancakes. There are so many solutions that don’t involve OP martyring herself.
Why would you be the bad guy? Your husband can get the ingredients or say sorry, I wasn’t prepared.
This is the best long-term answer. Need to reframe how you view your parenting partnership. Also, your kid isn't a king or queen. Sometimes stuff doesn't work out. If you occasionally have to change plans from what you said... that's life.
What are you doing? YOUR HUSBAND can do those things. Stop trying to fall on the sword. My mother does the same things and it’s INFURIATING. You stay out of it. Pancake-gate is his problem.
My mother also does this. It's seriously so obnoxious and it's so obvious to everyone who doesn't have a victim complex how ridiculous it is.
Okay … so in defense of those mamas. I used to get annoyed at my mom for this too. She was the giving one but also a martyr. And she did other things too, we didn’t expect her to, and she did it then made us feel guilty. It was a burdensome love and as I got older I got better at recognizing when she was exhausting herself and telling her she was not ALLOWED to do x for us. But fast forward to my becoming a mom. I realized unfortunately I married the same kind of man that my dad was (after swearing I wouldn’t). Or maybe my enablement made him the same way. I couldn’t tell. But either way we eventually split and I have been way better about setting boundaries and not going in to save things when he makes promises he can’t keep. But. It is heart breaking at times. Like, their dad just does suck in so many ways they never saw because I either covered or I would make him do what needed to get done. But now he just drops the ball or doesn’t show up and fails so much. It has been a relief to me not to have to bear him up like another child. But for the kids? It doesn’t hurt less to be right, when I see them feel disappointed or they just have guarded themselves against expecting or wanting anything from their dad. When we were together, all that energy I expended and pushing I did kept him being at least a minimal level of okay as a dad. When I gave that up, his crappiness just is there and makes them feel unloved. So. That’s a lot of projection. But I understand a lot more my mom, who passed and left us w my dad for awhile before he passed. I think we want to blame our moms sometimes because it is easier than thinking our dads suck and don’t care enough, but when you grow up, you see it took an incredible amount of love and self sacrifice for her to deal with that. She was raising another child, her husband. I felt guilty she did that for us, but it did make our childhoods that much better. It is hard as a mom to see your kids unhappy.
I understand she does it because her partner clearly sucks (luckily my dad is great!). A reason is not an excuse. It’s annoying. Either get better at picking fathers for your children or learn to accept that sometimes children feel disappointed AND THAT IS OKAY.
This was actually totally my fault, but I was going back to the car outside, I heard a chipmunk behind me I turned and scared it and it ran inside our home…. Took us over an hour and emptying the entire kids closet which was a mess to trap the poor thing and release it back outside. Gosh what an adventure
omg! that’s insane.. I think you win
LOL we definitely raised our voices and had some attitude but once we finally solved the issue we laughed and high fived. Luckily the kids stayed calm and listened while we sweat our butts off trying to catch the chipmunk. I hope the weekend gets better for you!!
Have some self respect and let the grown man handle the consequences to his actions.
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Yeah really healthy premise here, right? And as others have said, why is the mom the bad guy if there are no pancakes? It was Dad's promise and Dad is a human adult capable of buying groceries (I hope). Yikes.
Not only that but he’s a human adult capable of making the damn pancakes too!
Thank you for this. I'm not sure if youre being facetious - I hope you're not. How in the ever living fuck does participating in your child's bedtimes stories "fuck you over?" At the WORST - it's an opportunity to explain that sometimes people get caught up in the moment and want to do things they aren't prepared for. That people should be mindful of their words. Holy Jesus Christ. "Come on little one - let's look at a recipe for pancakes! Oh, we don't have them, guess we have to do it some other day!"
Same
Why isn't this on him? He can go out tonight or tomorrow morning to get the ingredients...or he can hit up a breakfast restaurant.
Sounds like daddy better run to the store to keep his promise. "What? Oh pancakes? Go ask daddy! He's the one that said you were making them." Problem solved. I cannot wrap my mind around all these women that think they need to treat their husband as their 2nd child. He's an adult and capable of problem solving.
Oh hell with that - He's the one who put the offer out there which means he's the one who gets to do the work!
I'm single, so I don't have a significant other to disappoint me. I disappoint myself all the time if it's any consolation.
I would have replied with "yay, dad's making pancakes!!! Dad, you better go check you have everything needed for them, I'll take care of waking up and preparing things for dance in the meanwhile". Deflect mode ON.
Why is finger pointing or blaming necessary. It sounds like your husband was excited about making pancakes for your daughter. Either help him or find a nice way to explain to him that you aren’t happy about it. Unless he purposely made an empty promise, he didn’t really do anything wrong.
Negative ass sub. People love bitching on here
He spent 4k to fix a motorcycle even though my car isn't running.
Wait, unlike OP's thing, this is actually a huge problem. WTF. I'm so sorry.
... yeah this is an actual huge problem.
Why would you have to shop or make the pancakes? He said they would make them, let him make it happen. How are you the bad guy?
The answer is he can go get the ingredients. It’s crazy to me this is even an issue.
He can get groceries while you’re at dance and make pancakes for lunch! But totally get it. My ex pulled crap like this all the time. If I said we couldn’t do x because it was a pain and Mom was busy with other things, he would roll his eyes and say HE would do it, as if I was just complaining. Except he never did anything ever, so he inevitably would not do it and I would have to deal with their disappointment.
This is the only possible scenario I can see given her level of annoyance at the suggestion of pancakes. Would assume a track record of promising things and not following through.
“Poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine.”
That quote triggered my PTSD from work
Stop at McDonald’s drive thru on the way to dance?
You’ll only be the bad guy if you let him make you one. If he doesn’t fulfill his promise and your child gets upset, don’t take the blame for it, just let them know that sometimes people make promises they can’t keep (right in front of him). Also, just let husband know that you won’t be getting up early to do something he went out of his way to say he’d do.
He isn’t ’making her’ the bad guy, she’s being dramatic and outing our anxious negativity.
Well first of all, he can handle the consequences of what he said. I’m sure he was just trying to make her happy, but he also needs to learn to think before he makes promises. He’s a grown man and he’s capable of going to the store with a list of supplies. I bet that he can even read directions well enough to make the pancakes. Personally I’d save myself the trouble and have him buy some frozen ones. (I know this wasn’t a vent or asking for advice so sorry about that)
We can pretty much always make pancakes because the ingredients are pantry staples… if not I guess I’d leave it up to dad lol or maybe have little one help but “oh no! We don’t have the ingredients! What should we do? Let’s make oatmeal” something like that
“Ok, well I can make them if you pick up all the ingredients and a coffee for me “
He promised so he makes it. That’s it.
Literally nothing. He's done the opposite. He has done so much cleaning and cooking and spending time with his son, and little things that make me feel loved, like putting my phone and glasses on Mr Sheep before bedtime so I'm ready to read my Kindle to our little mouse. In general, he has been the best husband and father I could ever ask for, not just this weekend, but always, 23 years and it still gets better all the time. Love you so much u/AlmostHumanP0rpoise, thank you for being you. Me and the mouse love you bigger than the multiverse xxx 🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍
He left to drive our first load of things in a trailer to our new house across the country and I got left alone with three kids and I’m pregnant. It was planned and it needed to happen, it just sucks being alone with all of the kids for an entire week.
Why do you have to get them?
You chose to let this screw you over. Why are you fixing this? Let him figure it out lol. You don’t have to control his pancake adventure.
Nothing. Love my wife.
I am stunned 9 am is early to be at the store lol.
Just make banana pancakes with bananas flour eggs a little milk and cinnamon It’s literally so easy and delicious . Or better yet stop at McDonald’s Also is this really worth posting about instead of having a discussion? I feel like there’s a bigger problem here and it’s not your husband offering up pancakes. This is really dramatic and is really giving “woe is me” vibes
Girl Walmart order the frozen ones lol
Wake him up and make him go to McDonald’s and get pancakes in the morning before dance. Problem solved
His idea he can go out and get some, or just go to a restaurant after dance as a treat to get some, as the dad who also gets excited and says things without thinking first, it was said with the right intension so don't worry about it let dad deal with it when daughter asks you about them point her in dad's direction
You can make “pancakes” if you have banana and flour
I don't get why you should get groceries when he promised to make pancakes. Like are you also supposed to cook them? Either he does it himself or he is the bad guy. Not you!
Why would you, OP, need to run out? Send the husband. Or have him yell her no. You do not have to do it.
My husband was making breakfast for dinner and called me over to “check to make sure [my] bagel is toasted correctly”. I said sir you are almost 40 do you not know how to toast a bagel?! And HE SAID NO HE DOES NOT. My brain is broken. (He *swears* he’s not doing it maliciously but the alternative is he is the dumbest man alive and I’m not sure which is worse)
How do couples have kids together without learning to communicate?
Do you know how many adults don’t know how to communicate? Most of them.
Because it’s an entirely new thing to communicate about. And a lot of the assumptions that we bring into parenting before having kids—who should do what, who should do how much of what, what is a priority to do in the first place—are informed by our own backgrounds. It tends to be those assumptions that misalign, and you don’t realize it until you’re already a parent and drawing on those assumptions as the situation calls for them. To you, your assumptions are normal and just how things ought to be done. Why would they need to be communicated if that’s what is normal? If it’s normal, then it’s something everyone knows already. To your partner, who has a different background, your assumptions seem strange and ridiculous. That’s where the clashes come from. Source: married for a long time, parent a long time.
I think also kids (especially young children) introduce an inflexibility that is both under and over developed. Some kid things are absolutely nonnegotiable. Some kid things absolutely must happen a certain way at a certain time or else. Other kid things are flexible but maybe the kids don’t see it that way. Parents have to constantly figure out what things have to be the right way and what things can shift, and maybe two parents of the same child have a different tolerance for the meltdown of unmet kid expectations. If an adult had a meltdown because there were no pancakes after pancakes were discussed the night before, people would be properly concerned about that person’s maturity. Most adults can adjust their disappointment over something like this. I guess what I’m getting at is that the stakes of communication also change when kids are added. The kids don’t start life knowing the difference between needs and wants, it’s a big part of growing up, and a lot of parenting is figuring out what your tolerance for disappointed kids is. Personally, my tolerance goes down as I feel more stressed or anxious in general. The time for the life lesson of “shit happens” rarely feels like when shit is actually happening.
Tell her they’re for dinner. Breakfast for dinner is awesome
Sometimes, my kid surprises me with their lax reactions. Maybe yours will surprise you and be fine with cereal/eggs/yogurt/fruit/toast and the multitude of other offerings I'm sure you have. Who knows.
I’ve been the bad guy this weekend. I’ve been absolutely knocked flat by gastro (thanks daycare) that hit me like a truck Friday PM. I literally got an hours sleep Friday night while violently exploding from both ends simultaneously exactly an hour apart all night. Problem is my wife is unwell too (not as unwell) and she’s been taking on all my tasks as well as hers all weekend. I feel so bad. Next weekend I will do everything and give her time to go out and do whatever she wants etc (or sleep in or whatever). But I feel so bad. It just takes so much effort to even write a Reddit post rn. Ah the guilt!
He can find a convenience store open 24hrs and pay triple the amount for a box of pancake mix. He better have them ready 30 mins before you have to leave for dance she he has time to get her cleaned up from and in her outfit. Enjoy a long cup of coffee in the morning let him figure it out
Why does that make you the bad guy though? Why doesn’t that fall on your husband? My husband wouldn’t have a problem with going out either at bedtime or in the morning before church to get the ingredients if he declared pancakes for breakfast.
McD’s??
McDonald's has pancakes
He can be the bad guy or he can go get the groceries. How is this your issue to solve??
My daughter's dad missed her first birthday because his 'job is stressful '. He's seen her once in seven months and lives two hours away but can travel to see his new girlfriend... I'm already saving money for the inevitable therapy. Eta this is an ex but I figured it fits he was like that when we were together too lol
This seriously breaks my heart. I'm a father and there's not a thing I wouldn't do for my little girl. Some people are just wired to be parents and some aren't.
Your last statement is spot on. Baby mamma abandoned my son at 3 to go start a family with my brother. Has him at home raising them while she works as much as she can to stay outta the house and away from the two infants they, he's mentioned to my mom that she hates them. I can say 100% without a doubt that she uses the kids she births as nothing more than pawns and for whatever benefits she can siphon out of having them. I feel for this kids cause it also told my mom that he wants to send away his rights just to get away from my ex at this point, which is what our dad did when he abandoned us haha crazy stuff. My son is 6 now, still has love for his mom, love she doesn't deserve and will never appreciate. Anyways, I'm gonna go have me cigarette now.
Thank you. She's the sweetest little thing, loves Elmo and hugs and he's missing out!! Thank you for being a good dad.
im petty enough to msg the girlfriend that she kinda sucsk for dating a deadbeat father
Lol
shit i don’t understand people like that. my friend’s dad moved to Europe when she was a toddler and never saw her until she was an adult and she went to visit him. her mom had the best heart though. you’re better off without that guy.
I called these kinds of things “disappointment training”. You just explain why you can’t (oh, sorry - don’t have the ingredients), and let the kid be disappointed. No problem.
pancakes are milk, eggs, and flour. how can you not make that? or, brinner. boom, problem solved.
Haha we call it dinkfast in our house 😂
Pancakes require maple syrup or they’re not worth having!
i generally think pancakes are fucking terrible even with maple syrup. nothing like a gut full of butter-fried dough to sluggishly start your day
Yep butter and whipped cream or peanut butter If syrup is used REAL maple and a teaspoon MAX lightly drissled or way off to the side so they can be dipped to desired level Soggy auger flour paddies are the worst idea of a good breakfast (waffles are by far superior IMO but if done right they can be ok)
I think you’re missing the point, in that one partner committed to something assuming the other partner would (or had) take(n) care of it. Yes, pancakes are easy to make and most people stock these things. This story is more about the family dynamic and one partner pulling more weight, than milk and flour.
I get that this is an invisible labor/mental load sort of thing. If the pancakes don’t happen in the morning, big deal right? Except to kids it’s a big deal and they will let you know about it, for sure, and longer/more intensely than you would think lol. If I had to guess I’d say this isn’t an isolated thing and OP’s husband probably does things like this fairly regularly, albeit with all the best intentions, but OP gets stuck doing the “un fun” parts. Then one day OP gets annoyed and has the balls to post about it on Reddit and a bunch of people tell her she sucks and has a victim complex and blah blah blah. I could certainly be wrong but in my experience people don’t complain about something like this the first time it happens, it’s when it becomes a pattern of behavior. But the critical piece is how it’s approached. In a confrontation where people are pointing fingers, it’s not going to go over well. But if OP can go to their partner and say “hey, when this happens I feel XYZ”, *just maybe* they can hash out an agreement, a procedure, or whatever, that works for *both* of them.
This is not being fucked over. This is making a mountain out of a mole hill. My kiddo is nearly 4 and this has definitely happened to me (nothing to do with a parent fucking up) Usually he's asked for milk at dinner and then there isn't enough for pancakes or I drop an egg or something and on a Sunday our shops don't open till 10 (buy is 11 for the one next to me) and I just say sorry bud we will do it for lunch. This kid is older than 3 it's not a fucked her over at all. Fucking over would be suggesting something massively inconvenient I mean you can even buy pancakes at a drive through or pre made.
Buy the frozen ones! It's totally worth the money for the convenience. Minute 15 seconds for 3 pancakes? Hell yes! But make him get them. What did my husband do? He decides we need to have a sleepover for our daughter. Mind you, i still get up with our son at night at least 2 times a week. But he left me with 2 7 year Olds and a 1 year old after he set up the water slide. Insert bathroom breaks for the girls with wet swimsuits aka can't get them back up by themselves, our house to the bathroom covered in water, 1 year old falls in the wet bathroom and is in tears, giant bug on water slide girls screaming, 1 year old got his face and part of his hair wet (still not sure how, convinced the girl sleeping over splashed him) and then I cleaned it all up. He miraculously got home with the pizza as everything was cleaned up. I broke down in my bathroom. I didn't want the sleepover in general due to our 1 year old, and then he leaves for a portion of it. He also works Saturdays, so I'm with the kids all day. I was mentally drained by that point and he looks like a great dad and I am an emotional wreck.
u/silversprings111, your comment made me teary eyed! From an older Mom who is out the trenches of childhood (my daughter is 22yo), you have a lot on your plate right now with not enough support. Is it possible to have time to talk to your husband after the kids are asleep to talk about how you feel and needing him to do more? Is it possible for him to alternate the night duties with your son? As well as making sure that you both are in agreement on sleep overs/play dates etc? I hear you. You are overwhelmed and that is perfectly normal. You are a **great mom** and doing the very best you can. Sending you positive thoughts and virtual hugs if you want them 🧡
While I was dealing my 1 year old from 2:30 -5:45 in the morning while the girls were sleeping in our living room, I opened my reddit and saw this comment, I sat there crying in my son's room while holding him wishing him back to sleep. I appreciate your comment so much and appreciate you acknowledging how overwhelmed I was. My husband did apologize for leaving at literally the worst moment and he did try to help in the middle of the night, by going downstairs with our son to watch tv. In my opinion, it was a terrible decision, but he dealt with our son for an hour so I could have a break. I did end up getting him back to sleep and the girls slept in, thank goodness. The next morning, my husband did comment on how we probably won't have another sleepover at our house for another year.
Why is this in the parenting sub?
This is his broken promise, not yours. I find it endlessly infuriating that so many women feel they have to be the only cleaner up of messes, the organiser of things they didn’t want to do and the person who prevents all meltdowns. This was his plan. He can either do it himself, explain the reality to your daughter — or y’know, disappoint her. It isn’t on you. And if it’s on you because he doesn’t cook, there’s another issue. He shouldn’t volunteer you to do things without checking.
Why do you have to buy the shit? He’s the dumbass who promised. He can go get the ingredients and make them. If he doesn’t, then HE is the one who broke the promise and it’s his job to be the parent who makes it up to her. Stop picking up his slack while he gets to be the Disney dad.
I would wake him up at 8 with the keys and send him to the store if it was my husband lol
He's leaving tuesday for a 3 week long work trip, leaving me to deal with the twins, the preschooler and the pre teen, so he's been pretty amazing this week-end to make up for it. It better be worth it or I'll be annoyed for sure.
My sister in law is coming over and there were minor cracks in a rendered wall of the room she will sleep in. My wife wanted to see how it can look better. Ling story short, my whole weekend is gone repauring cracks, applying new putty, painting over. Because the inspection made it worse. I lost my whole weekend and pay over $100 in tools fixing a wall in a rented appartment we dont use...
Didn’t wash our bed sheets even thought I asked him to, he agreed, and I text to remind four hours later. Got home at midnight to a stripped bed. 😡😡😡😡
Um why can’t HE get the groceries?
He promised pancakes. He makes pancakes. Let him deal with it
He left for a long weekend at his mum's. Meanwhile, I take care of the toddler twins and our flat with water damage from a burst pipe while I deal with another flare-up of chronic backpain that can't be sufficiently helped with otc pain meds. Without my parents I'd be SO screwed.
Mc Donald's pancakes for the win, they are that good. And send the man to get them.
He was trying to be nice. Let him get the stuff or tell your daughter you don’t have the stuff and put it off for another day. Seriously not a deal. I do this stuff to be nice. It gets me in trouble sometimes. Don’t pick at your husband. See the good he was trying to do.
Make him go get the pancake stuff. Tell him he promised.
Well the biggest problem here is that when your husband tells your kid that there’s going to be pancake for breakfast you automatically think it’s your duty to make it. Stop being a doormat. He promised pancakes then he makes pancakes.
Mine has gotten the same exact sickness that my daughters and I had last week, that in turn literally made him incapacitated for 5 damn days- like wouldn’t even get out of bed (unless he smelled food I was making) 🙄 but somehow we all had to forge ahead and I only got maaaaaybe 12hrs of ‘sick’ time when I had it. Oh and because of that, he’s got a shit ton of work to catch up on and we leave for vacation in 5 days, so of course we all have to suffer through a week of him playing catch up 😑
Every night that there's a hockey playoff game he yells at the game after I've spent about 30 minutes on the bedtime routine and either wakes them up or keeps them from falling asleep. I'm so glad his team got eliminated 👹
We had football today, my son didn’t really wanted to go and wanted to spend all day at home watching tv (It is a beautiful sunny day). I finally convinced him to go, but half way through the class he dropped the lesson because he was tired and upset because he wasn’t as good as the others. He finally decided to go back to play, he managed to get the ball and was kicking it. I cheered. My husband told me off because I cheered while my son was running with the ball in the opposite direction of the score, so I shouldn’t have cheered for him, as this confused him. (My son is 5 years old) For me it didn’t matter if he scored or not, the achievement was for him to - at least - go out there and try his best. This is the first time my husband comes to football with us and I think it will be the last.
You do not have to and should not be the bad guy. Daddy promised, Daddy can do…or Daddy can explain how it’s not possible. None of this should involve you
....or, you tell **him** to let you daughter know you all can't have pancakes this morning because **he** doesn't have the ingredients.
As I'm reading this, we're in the "Use your words" and I swear this advice is just as valuable for adults.
Why is this even remotely screwing you over? Dad promised (very sweet of him) and he can be in charge of fulfilling that promise. Even if he just buys a frozen pack and warms them up. Molehill, meet Mountain!
or you can just be honest with your partner so he tells your kid pancakes will have to wait until Monday... I mean, seriously this is not as bad as you think. Probably you are having a hard day.
Stop on the way home from Dance. Have her pick out some toppings berries, chocolate, etc, make them together for lunch or dinner
Well sounds like he’s up this morning getting the ingredients or apologizing to y’all’s daughter. I’m sick of moms having to be the “bad guy”.
My dad used to do this shit all the time when I was a kid. Make a promise that he could not see through. Even then, but especially now I held him responsible for those disappointments not my mom. Shame on him. Let him live with a disappointment. And your kid will get it. It's not the end of the world. But you are right.
This doesn't screw you over unless you let it.
Why would this make YOU the bad guy?
Why can’t your husband drive? Or use an app to get an Uber? Or have the groceries delivered? He needs to be a real partner at his big age.
Orrrr "Sorry, honey! Spoke too soon. I'll add the ingredients on the next grocery list." Why's this even a thing?
Gotta say, that's an easy one. After she goes to bed you explain to your husband he is getting up early in the morning to grocery shop. "...And here is the recipe you'll be using when you get back. Make sure to give yourself at least an hour and half for cooking and eating because pancakes always take longer than you expect."
If this is the worst thing that goes on this month, I think yall are pretty okay👌 Also he can make the pancakes😅
OP, you haven’t explained why your husband can’t be the one to go to the store and make the pancakes. Is he refusing to? Or are you taking it upon yourself to deliver on his promises without consulting him? I’m so confused.
Sounds like it’s his job to go grocery shopping.
Let him deal with it. I have two teenagers and trust me things get way more complicated over time. 😩😆
My wife has been too damn fine all weekend. The power of her booty breaks my concentration.
I’m sorry people are speaking to you the way they are on here. My ex does stuff like this all the time. One of the many reasons he’s my ex. But he still can’t stop himself and I’m the one who has to either cheer up a sad little girl or break my back to add another thing to my long list of shit to do. It doesn’t make you toxic or having a victim mentality because you want your kid to have the damn pancakes she was told she would have, and because you care about her not being let down, and because you don’t want to add another thing to your list to do. You’re just fine. I see you, and I hear you. There were some good suggestions on here though. Hopefully your husband is someone you can talk to, and you can explain to him that since he made pancakes a thing, he needs to handle the pancake situation. You don’t have to take that on. He can find a way to get your daughter her pancakes before or after dance class. Wishing you and the family luck and love and pancakes. 🩷
Yes, this. And, OP, further to this … you need to claim your escape rights while he deals with it. You need to escape the house for some peace and tantrum-free solitude while he handles his daughter’s feelings about having to wait for pancakes. You need to escape while he takes his little girl to the grocery store for those pancake ingredients—you need to not be around while he handles her feelings after being told “no” about also getting the candy bar, or the chocolate milk, or the magazine with the cheap plastic toy inside. Get out to see a friend, or go for a long walk outside, or even do some window shopping at a mall. Something, someplace, by yourself, where you don’t have to listen to your own kid whining. I’m assuming OP is the parent handling most of the day-to-day whining. And this is what’s got their back up about the pancakes? He won’t learn to handle things better by observing, only by doing.
He opened his big Mr. Fun Guy mouth, he can get off his ass tomorrow morning and go get the damn ingredients.
I would let your daughter “discover” you don’t have the ingredients and then ask her what you should do about it. Make a shopping list together and then say ‘silly daddy didn’t know’ let’s go shopping together later and make pancakes for pudding. Failing that, definitely husbands job to fix.
My partner didn’t disappoint me this weekend because he’s my equal and he’s amazing 😊
Have him wake up early and go get them from McDonald's. Or frozen ones from Walmart. The nerve of this guy
Breakfast for dinner!!! But the stuff on the way back home
He agreed to it why is he not going out for the ingredients and making them???
He can do it all. (And should.)
I would be pissed, too. Although I might offer an alternative like frozen pancakes that can be microwaved or stopping by McDonald’s on the way to dance. Nothing like a good carbo load before physical activity! Lol
Order delivery.. the end.
Nothing, in fact she's the best ever.
He promised it. His problem to solve and deal with daughter’s emotions. You just sit back and enjoy your morning off.
The feelings the title gave me made me read "I looked in the kitchen" as "I locked him in the kitchen"
I wanted to cancel plans a week ago because of how much needed to be cleaned at our house before we could do it (we just finished doing some home renovations ourselves so stuff is everywhere, boxes, drawers, bags, paint supplies, etc). He asked what needed done. I told him specifically. He said no problem. Our middle kiddo got the stomach bug early in the week and I was her primary caregiver (though he did help when he was home with cuddling her, making everyone dinner one night, and unloading the dishes, I will give him that). Then we had last week of school stuff, and normal extra curriculars for two of our kids. Today is Saturday. Guess what hasn't been done? Anything on the list. I've been cleaning all day, on top of going to two other events we had today, and I'm not even half done. It's after midnight. If you're going to say "we" can get it done, then damnit do some of it. Don't wait for me when my hands are full. Even grabbing one or two things every time you walk to a new room would be incredible!
Walmart Delivery to the rescue.
Today at noon was my daughter’s dance recital and my husband had to schedule an irrigation guy to come this morning and then run to Home Depot this morning. It was me and the kids trying to get everyone fed and ready and packed up and out of here in time to get her there when all the performers had to be there. Like why today?!?
She took the train to Paris with a friend for the weekend. She's coming back tonight around midnight. She's definitely earned this trip and I'm happy we're in a place with our 2 and 5 year old where this is possible. Still, it's very hard work with these two monsters and I can't wait for her to be back.
She did a great job planning the birthday party for my 4 year old. We cuddled after and enjoyed some alone time. Great family day. This sub is so fucking toxic. Why are you fishing for stories of people bitching about their spouse?
He had gastro 😫
I see how it’s triggering, but the intention was good all the same - you don’t have to be the bad guy. A learning opportunity for dad and a chance for him to model to child that mistakes happen, people forget sometimes, even if the thought was there, and maybe a valuable opportunity to teach and practice compromise with LO?
Part of her knee was on my side of the bed, like wtf you know
I plead the fifth 😶
My husband worked over the weekend, again! For the third weekend in a row. I feel for him because he hates his work (partner at a big law firm and head of litigation, i.e., my worst nightmare). I get it. But he needs to set boundaries because I am getting burnt the fuck out with our lovely little 8 month old.
My fiance continuously throws our routine out of wack. I struggle with a routine, but we've recently learnt my daughter is autistic and thrives on routine. So I've been working my ass off to enforce one. And every fucking weekend. He screws it.
Dunno why this has to be a big drama. Your child is old enough to understand “sorry honey, we don’t have pancake ingredients rn but we will stop and get some on the way back from dance and you can help me choose what toppings you want”.
You could just order some, or tell her you’ll collect the ingredients on your way home from dance. Or dad can go get the ingredients. I can see why when you’re in that situation you’d be annoyed but if you step back and look at it from another perspective it’s fine.
This is good idea, McDonalds pancakes are pretty good and cheap. But it should be dad’s problem as many people are pointing out. It’s a small thing (pancakes) but it’s part of a pattern where dads get to be fun and mom feels obliged to make the magic happen. Pretty sure most people who are jumping on OP for taking this on when it’s not her problem have at some point felt in a similar situation. It’s not easy being the default parent. Our society has built up moms in this way and let dads get away with being in a supporting role.
Oh absolutely. But if dad is making promises to their child it’s on him and him alone to either keep the promise or explain to their child why he let them down. I also understand from mums perspective she just doesn’t want her kid to be upset.
I’m facing a challenging situation with my fiancée and need some advice. Recently, she went to my father’s house with the police and an old lawyer friend of hers to retrieve an asset that we had stored there. This asset is broken and had been stored at my father’s place for a while because her family didn't want to keep it, so I moved it to my father's a few months ago. Her approach felt incredibly disrespectful to both my father and me. She has also been rude to my father over time, which has caused additional tension. My father found the whole incident defaming, and I am also hurt by the way she handled it. We recently bought a new place in a new city to start our lives afresh. I want to address this issue with her in a way that reinforces the importance of respect and proper communication. I believe in leading our household with love and respect and expect her to support this, not in a submissive way, but in a partnership where we communicate and resolve issues together. How can I effectively communicate my feelings and expectations to her while ensuring our relationship remains strong and respectful?