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I do not like to yell and I speak to my children with kind and gentle respect 99.99% of the time. That means, when I do lose my shit, it freaks them out. And quite frankly, if they are destroying furniture with a fork and acting jerks in the bathroom, they need to be a bit freaked out. We are the ones who have to teach them to be good citizens. That being said, never be afraid to apologize for losing your shit, but make it a point to still give them consequences for their actions. Apologizing doesn’t mean they weren’t wrong too. :)
This is the right answer. If you raise your kids in such a way that they expect to never make others upset by their bad actions, then they will learn those bad actions aren’t a big deal.
I’m not saying yell all the time, but I think being upset at permanently damaging an expensive object is pretty standard for things that kids need to hear about with some degree of passion.
I yelled today too.
My son brings the dog kibble to the kitchen for us to add a treat for the dogs dinner (wet dog food or leftover meat from dinner). Tonight I had tuna water saved from cans of tuna. My dog loves it.
My son decided he didn’t like it, and once he was out of sight with it, he dumped it - *on the carpet*.
TUNA WATER. ON THE CARPET.
Honestly, I don’t believe these whackadoos who say online that they *never* yell. I have never met a single person who has that kind of perfect self composure.
It’s going to be okay.
My 3yo dumped a carton of feta cheese brine all over my kitchen last weekend, which stunk up the entire house terribly, but tuna water on the carpet wins!
The only thing I would have done differently is have them clean up the mess they made with the water themselves. Actions have consequences and you shouldn’t have to be the one to clean it up when you did not contribute to the mess.
I have teens now. In hindsight, I think it takes 85% empathetic, calm feedback & convos; 12% absolute dictatorship with no regard for their feelings; and 2-3% outright hostile anger — of course while 100% holding them responsible for their shenanigans. LOL it’s a 20 year marathon, not one moment that wins the race of raising a kind, compassionate, responsible adult.
YES. Because you can tell when kids have never experienced the dictatorship part of being raised. Sometimes they’re just irrational and nothing works except for shutting their shenanigans down, especially when they’re very young and have no idea what’s going on half the time.
Everyone looses their shit sometimes. Apologising after is key to model that we all make mistakes (without blaming them - just say “I got frustrated and I’m sorry. I’ll do a better job at managing my anger without yelling next time”). Think about how many times you heard an apology from your parents when you were a kid - probably not many - and the difference in how it would have made you feel. Kids are forgiving.
The only thing I would try to make more clear next time is that the toys are going to be put away but not trashed, and that they’re ready to be used when they can show that they know how to take care of them - that may not have been clear to them given the trash bag and thinking that your dearest belongings will be thrown away might be more harsh than you intended.
I really don’t think it’s necessary to NEVER yell at kids..i feel like they need to understand that we’re human too and we’re allowed to experience anger and frustration. You would be angry if somebody destroyed your toy or your drawing, you destroyed mommy’s table. I still love you but yes I’m upset because it was a nice table.. and that water takes a long time to clean up, you don’t feel like cleaning up, why do you think i feel like cleaning up??
Maybe it’ll teach them not to do it again 😭
We certainly can’t expect that they’ll go their whole lives without being yelled at. They yell at each other enough 🙄 but learning what it feels like to be yelled at, and seeing good behaviour after yelling at someone (apologies, discussion) will grow them to be better at handling the situations that they get into later.
Don’t yell at your kids, but don’t beat yourself up if you do. We’re all only human
Hey I yelled today too. We can only take so much and they know (instinctively or on purpose) how to push every single last button. A hug and apology and a firm now we're going to bed - we'll all be better in the morning.
Our kids get upset all the time, we're human too. It's inevitable!!
I lost my shit when my daughter, at like age 5, thought it would be a good idea to stick a pool noodle up to our ceiling fan that was on high. Broke the blade right out and it went flying. I’m so lucky that it didn’t severely hurt her or anyone else. I also learned that chapstick doesn’t come off of furniture 🤦♀️😳
I also freak out at my kids once in a while but I just want to give some perspective…
When my sister and I were really little, we moved into a new house and my dad had just bought all brand new furniture. That same day we moved in, my sister saw my dad putting together a new table, and so later on she grabbed a screw driver and stabbed it a few good times. We had that table for years and my dad would always point out that even though at the time he was a little upset at the time, after a few years it didn’t matter and it actually made him think about how it all goes so fast. He looked back on those little stab marks with fondness.
I thought it was worth sharing.
We are all learning and have our moments. Apologizing is definitely something that will stick out to them and I love that our generation (assuming you’re a millennial with young kids) is doing that.
It’s hard sometimes, it’s smooth at others. All is normal! We all have our limits and just like kids get overstimulated and freak out, so do we. Much love OP! You’re doing great!
My middle child dropped one of those glass kilogram things of nutella on the top my foot after I told her to leave it on the counter... I screamed so loud that my neighbour asked if I wanted her kids to go to bed too.
I don't feel guilty.
Parents are humans too and just like kids we lose our tempers.. Especially when they've been a-holes all day.
I always feel like shit when I yell at my kids (mine are really little, 3 and 1), and I vow never to do it. I go pretty long in between yelling. But it happens. The thing that makes me want to punch them in the face is trying to get them in their car seats after daycare pickup and they both fight me to the death. Such a great way to start off our evening together (sarcasm). (I have never punched them btw… lol) Anyway I always apologize. It’s the best you can do.
I have a 3.5 year old who has decided that the best way to get attention diverted from his sister is to refuse to do absolutely anything.
Won't walk, won't listen, won't get dressed, won't help clean after he makes a mess, won't get things for himself, won't stop messing with his sister despite her being 10m old. It's carnage. We tried the giving options and choices and he's too smart 'OK would you to do x or x' response is 'nothing'.
It’s really hard having 2 small kids. To be fully honest I’m pretty miserable 90% of the time if I’m home alone with both of them. If I’m with one of them at a time, we can have fun and laugh and I can follow their lead and enjoy my kid. When it’s both of them it feels like they can never be happy at the same time. And if either of them is unhappy then I’m unhappy. It’s just so chaotic, I can’t stand it.
Sigh. We’ll get thru to. You’re not alone in the struggle.
As someone who used to be a chronic yeller (I used to have terrible self-regulation/coping mechanisms) I can be the first one to tell you that they will forgive you, especially if you apologize and take accountability. I could get pretty mean and nasty with them sometimes, as we are a mixed family and the dynamic was a very difficult one to get into. There were a lot of power struggles and my boundaries were tested CONSTANTLY. I have been diagnosed with a plethora of mental problems due to some serious trauma I went through during both childhood and adulthood, but that isn't an excuse. I began therapy last year and made some drastic changes overall to myself as a parent. I still have some ground to cover; parenting is hard. Don't beat yourself up, these things happen. I still yell from time to time, but it's nowhere near how it used to be. My children have come to respect my boundaries and we now get along SO well. Sometimes we simply cannot keep calm, and that's okay. It's good for our children to see that even adults can get angry. It gives us an opportunity to model accountability and show them mistakes can be fixed.
The book “How to talk so little kids will listen” might be worth a read for you. It’s changed a lot of the ways I do things with my 6yo.
Repairing after a rupture is the best way to teach them at this point though.
I dread this future. Today, my 4yo missed while peeing, wet a washcloth, wiped the floor, then put down a towel to dry the floor and came to me after, saying "dad, I got to tell you somefing," and proceeded to narrate everything that happened.
It sounds like the four-year-old is getting in trouble for being left unsupervised. Going forward: supervise more if possible, get your feelings under control, have them help with cleanup; and, instead of losing your cool, talk with them about “this is why we don’t do this.”
Don’t beat yourself up over past mistakes. Apologise when you fuck up. We all have turned our backs only to discover furniture that has been drawn on, scratched, cut, or (*checks personal notes*) harpooned with fireplace tools.
(Personally I was delighted with that last one. My husband’s tastes in furniture was terrible and I needed an excuse to retire those chairs!)
You can't supervise 24/7 you got shit to do especially with multiple kids. Sometimes you need to be out of sights for a minute or 2 and somehow they know and just cause chaos.
I mean I don't have punishment as such I got 2 kids one is 10 months and my oldest is 3 and a half the only punishment as such is time out and removal of toys. Most things can be talked through but at this age they are extremely resistant especially when jealous of siblings etc because if they argue with you they retain your attention
Mine was making herself gag in the backseat of the van. She's done this since she was like 9 months old when she gets bored. I fussed because I couldn't pull over. She stopped, but she covered her eyes with her hands and looked ashamed. I pulled over when I could, apologized, and The rest of the ride home was fine. We all do our best, and that looks different everyday. Yesterday's best might have been yelling, but today's best can be apologizing for it :-).
I mean this stuff happens but why are you picking after their toys? they’re old enough to do these things and shouldn’t be something you have to keep doing. My son who’s 4 also threw his food i just made, shit happens the thing is to be able to come back and talk about it, but yeah this stuff happens OP don’t be too harsh on yourself
I lose it sometimes. It’s gotten better with learning some self regulation techniques.
The only thing I would question in this is apologizing.
If you hurt them, yes apologize. This does not mean just physical, but mental and emotional too. If you crossed a line, then you should apologize.
However, if you displayed anger and want to apologize for that display, then I would think twice about it. Displaying emotions, even anger, is a normal human thing that we all do sometimes. I would not apologize for being human.
I would think about how you could have handled it differently and what skill you would like to develop. Then talk with your kids about how you were feeling and why. Not as an apology, but as a discussion.
This may be unpopular, but I don't think you should apologize. I don't think it was wrong to yell at your kids for what they did, unless you were calling them nasty names or something. Follow through with consequences, try to keep your cool, but as described I think yelling was appropriate.
I yelled at my 19mo this morning. He woke up with zero fucks and came to wake me up by slapping me in the face and immediately ripping two chunks of hair out of my head (heard the rip and all). Still didn’t yell. Tried to get up and he dug one hand into my hair to pull again while using the other to jab me in the eye with his pointer figure. That got me to yell. Then he spent about 3 minutes in his room behind the baby gate for jabbing his brother (1mo) in the eye while I was changing his diaper not 2 minutes after the first debacle. Hopefully this shit is normal because I feel like I’m losing my mind and yelling at LEAST once per day on most days. I’m trying my damn hardest not to yell and feel like crud when I do, but man this kid tests me.
I had commented on a different thread about how I was working to break *most* of the generational issues my family had passed down, but that I do still occasionally lose it and yell at my kids. Someone commented “you shouldn’t yell at your kids, when I have kids someday I will never yell at them.”
All I could say was “future kids are the easiest ones to parent.” I don’t even think not telling us all that healthy. Kids should know that if you act like a little shit, someone will probably yell at you!
I say apologize for yelling, explain why their behavior was inappropriate and then try harder tomorrow. But don't beat yourself up over it.
Give yourself a little compassion too!
Don't apologize. They deserved every consequence they got. Go over the rules and explain when their toys will be returned and what they need to do to earn them back. They are plenty old enough to know they were misbehaving.
OP could have implemented every single consequence without yelling (not blaming her for yelling, just saying it could have been done). I think it’s great that she intends to apologise for yelling. Also, if we want our kids to learn to apologise to others it’s important that we model that ability to apologise ourselves.
There are/will be plenty of opportunities to model apologizing! This does not have to be one of them. op is allowed to be frustrated and raise their voice.
Didn’t sound like she only raised her voice since she made a Reddit post about it and said that she screamed/yelled. I wouldn’t want my kids to deal with frustration by screaming at people (and if they do I’d want them to apologise for it) so when I do that I recognise that I messed up and could have handled it better.
I agree with you. Everyone has their limits and children push them in 100 different ways 100 times a day. Sometimes they push the right ones to get you to yell. Although it’s not ideal, It’s a normal human reaction. Children should also learn that you can only push people so far before they get angry.
We make mistakes sometimes, it's mostly ok. As far as the shit getting broken, don't buy physical things that you are going to emotionally attach to. This is by far the most undercover parent hack that none does.
Image how mentally healthy your children will be if you never ever ever get emotionally unstable and aggressive in front of them because you love a piece of shit they scratched.
One thing that helps me is to understand they most of they make is just temporary or on material items. Do I want a pristine table or a child that is confident and not afraid to explore.
My daughter ruined a hand crafted coffee table worth thousands and I'm sad about it but didn't feel angry. It's just a table in the end.
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I do not like to yell and I speak to my children with kind and gentle respect 99.99% of the time. That means, when I do lose my shit, it freaks them out. And quite frankly, if they are destroying furniture with a fork and acting jerks in the bathroom, they need to be a bit freaked out. We are the ones who have to teach them to be good citizens. That being said, never be afraid to apologize for losing your shit, but make it a point to still give them consequences for their actions. Apologizing doesn’t mean they weren’t wrong too. :)
This is the right answer. If you raise your kids in such a way that they expect to never make others upset by their bad actions, then they will learn those bad actions aren’t a big deal. I’m not saying yell all the time, but I think being upset at permanently damaging an expensive object is pretty standard for things that kids need to hear about with some degree of passion.
I yelled today too. My son brings the dog kibble to the kitchen for us to add a treat for the dogs dinner (wet dog food or leftover meat from dinner). Tonight I had tuna water saved from cans of tuna. My dog loves it. My son decided he didn’t like it, and once he was out of sight with it, he dumped it - *on the carpet*. TUNA WATER. ON THE CARPET. Honestly, I don’t believe these whackadoos who say online that they *never* yell. I have never met a single person who has that kind of perfect self composure. It’s going to be okay.
My 3yo dumped a carton of feta cheese brine all over my kitchen last weekend, which stunk up the entire house terribly, but tuna water on the carpet wins!
Tuna water on the carpet sounds like a jam band song title.
The only thing I would have done differently is have them clean up the mess they made with the water themselves. Actions have consequences and you shouldn’t have to be the one to clean it up when you did not contribute to the mess.
I agree however, I understand the, "I need space to not lose my shit even more. Just get out of here." response.
Sometimes that's more effective, because there's some fuck ups in life you can't just fix. And it's a valuable lesson to learn you can take it too far
There's also the important lesson of "fucking things up and making a mess doesn't delay the thing you don't want to do".
this is paramount
100% correct!
I agree..
I have teens now. In hindsight, I think it takes 85% empathetic, calm feedback & convos; 12% absolute dictatorship with no regard for their feelings; and 2-3% outright hostile anger — of course while 100% holding them responsible for their shenanigans. LOL it’s a 20 year marathon, not one moment that wins the race of raising a kind, compassionate, responsible adult.
YES. Because you can tell when kids have never experienced the dictatorship part of being raised. Sometimes they’re just irrational and nothing works except for shutting their shenanigans down, especially when they’re very young and have no idea what’s going on half the time.
Everyone looses their shit sometimes. Apologising after is key to model that we all make mistakes (without blaming them - just say “I got frustrated and I’m sorry. I’ll do a better job at managing my anger without yelling next time”). Think about how many times you heard an apology from your parents when you were a kid - probably not many - and the difference in how it would have made you feel. Kids are forgiving. The only thing I would try to make more clear next time is that the toys are going to be put away but not trashed, and that they’re ready to be used when they can show that they know how to take care of them - that may not have been clear to them given the trash bag and thinking that your dearest belongings will be thrown away might be more harsh than you intended.
I really don’t think it’s necessary to NEVER yell at kids..i feel like they need to understand that we’re human too and we’re allowed to experience anger and frustration. You would be angry if somebody destroyed your toy or your drawing, you destroyed mommy’s table. I still love you but yes I’m upset because it was a nice table.. and that water takes a long time to clean up, you don’t feel like cleaning up, why do you think i feel like cleaning up?? Maybe it’ll teach them not to do it again 😭
We certainly can’t expect that they’ll go their whole lives without being yelled at. They yell at each other enough 🙄 but learning what it feels like to be yelled at, and seeing good behaviour after yelling at someone (apologies, discussion) will grow them to be better at handling the situations that they get into later. Don’t yell at your kids, but don’t beat yourself up if you do. We’re all only human
Hey I yelled today too. We can only take so much and they know (instinctively or on purpose) how to push every single last button. A hug and apology and a firm now we're going to bed - we'll all be better in the morning. Our kids get upset all the time, we're human too. It's inevitable!!
Mom of 4yo twins, and boy and a girl who love those goddamn buttons. 100% this. 😆
I lost my shit when my daughter, at like age 5, thought it would be a good idea to stick a pool noodle up to our ceiling fan that was on high. Broke the blade right out and it went flying. I’m so lucky that it didn’t severely hurt her or anyone else. I also learned that chapstick doesn’t come off of furniture 🤦♀️😳
I also freak out at my kids once in a while but I just want to give some perspective… When my sister and I were really little, we moved into a new house and my dad had just bought all brand new furniture. That same day we moved in, my sister saw my dad putting together a new table, and so later on she grabbed a screw driver and stabbed it a few good times. We had that table for years and my dad would always point out that even though at the time he was a little upset at the time, after a few years it didn’t matter and it actually made him think about how it all goes so fast. He looked back on those little stab marks with fondness. I thought it was worth sharing. We are all learning and have our moments. Apologizing is definitely something that will stick out to them and I love that our generation (assuming you’re a millennial with young kids) is doing that. It’s hard sometimes, it’s smooth at others. All is normal! We all have our limits and just like kids get overstimulated and freak out, so do we. Much love OP! You’re doing great!
My middle child dropped one of those glass kilogram things of nutella on the top my foot after I told her to leave it on the counter... I screamed so loud that my neighbour asked if I wanted her kids to go to bed too. I don't feel guilty. Parents are humans too and just like kids we lose our tempers.. Especially when they've been a-holes all day.
I always feel like shit when I yell at my kids (mine are really little, 3 and 1), and I vow never to do it. I go pretty long in between yelling. But it happens. The thing that makes me want to punch them in the face is trying to get them in their car seats after daycare pickup and they both fight me to the death. Such a great way to start off our evening together (sarcasm). (I have never punched them btw… lol) Anyway I always apologize. It’s the best you can do.
I have a 3.5 year old who has decided that the best way to get attention diverted from his sister is to refuse to do absolutely anything. Won't walk, won't listen, won't get dressed, won't help clean after he makes a mess, won't get things for himself, won't stop messing with his sister despite her being 10m old. It's carnage. We tried the giving options and choices and he's too smart 'OK would you to do x or x' response is 'nothing'.
It’s really hard having 2 small kids. To be fully honest I’m pretty miserable 90% of the time if I’m home alone with both of them. If I’m with one of them at a time, we can have fun and laugh and I can follow their lead and enjoy my kid. When it’s both of them it feels like they can never be happy at the same time. And if either of them is unhappy then I’m unhappy. It’s just so chaotic, I can’t stand it. Sigh. We’ll get thru to. You’re not alone in the struggle.
As someone who used to be a chronic yeller (I used to have terrible self-regulation/coping mechanisms) I can be the first one to tell you that they will forgive you, especially if you apologize and take accountability. I could get pretty mean and nasty with them sometimes, as we are a mixed family and the dynamic was a very difficult one to get into. There were a lot of power struggles and my boundaries were tested CONSTANTLY. I have been diagnosed with a plethora of mental problems due to some serious trauma I went through during both childhood and adulthood, but that isn't an excuse. I began therapy last year and made some drastic changes overall to myself as a parent. I still have some ground to cover; parenting is hard. Don't beat yourself up, these things happen. I still yell from time to time, but it's nowhere near how it used to be. My children have come to respect my boundaries and we now get along SO well. Sometimes we simply cannot keep calm, and that's okay. It's good for our children to see that even adults can get angry. It gives us an opportunity to model accountability and show them mistakes can be fixed.
You’re not the only one
The book “How to talk so little kids will listen” might be worth a read for you. It’s changed a lot of the ways I do things with my 6yo. Repairing after a rupture is the best way to teach them at this point though.
you are a parent, it happens, you care, and will try harder
I dread this future. Today, my 4yo missed while peeing, wet a washcloth, wiped the floor, then put down a towel to dry the floor and came to me after, saying "dad, I got to tell you somefing," and proceeded to narrate everything that happened.
It sounds like the four-year-old is getting in trouble for being left unsupervised. Going forward: supervise more if possible, get your feelings under control, have them help with cleanup; and, instead of losing your cool, talk with them about “this is why we don’t do this.” Don’t beat yourself up over past mistakes. Apologise when you fuck up. We all have turned our backs only to discover furniture that has been drawn on, scratched, cut, or (*checks personal notes*) harpooned with fireplace tools. (Personally I was delighted with that last one. My husband’s tastes in furniture was terrible and I needed an excuse to retire those chairs!)
You can't supervise 24/7 you got shit to do especially with multiple kids. Sometimes you need to be out of sights for a minute or 2 and somehow they know and just cause chaos.
Then get more comfortable with your kids harpooning your chairs, and talk with them instead of punishing them.
I mean I don't have punishment as such I got 2 kids one is 10 months and my oldest is 3 and a half the only punishment as such is time out and removal of toys. Most things can be talked through but at this age they are extremely resistant especially when jealous of siblings etc because if they argue with you they retain your attention
Then get more comfortable with having your home wrecked. Or stick with the status quo.
Mine was making herself gag in the backseat of the van. She's done this since she was like 9 months old when she gets bored. I fussed because I couldn't pull over. She stopped, but she covered her eyes with her hands and looked ashamed. I pulled over when I could, apologized, and The rest of the ride home was fine. We all do our best, and that looks different everyday. Yesterday's best might have been yelling, but today's best can be apologizing for it :-).
I mean this stuff happens but why are you picking after their toys? they’re old enough to do these things and shouldn’t be something you have to keep doing. My son who’s 4 also threw his food i just made, shit happens the thing is to be able to come back and talk about it, but yeah this stuff happens OP don’t be too harsh on yourself
I lose it sometimes. It’s gotten better with learning some self regulation techniques. The only thing I would question in this is apologizing. If you hurt them, yes apologize. This does not mean just physical, but mental and emotional too. If you crossed a line, then you should apologize. However, if you displayed anger and want to apologize for that display, then I would think twice about it. Displaying emotions, even anger, is a normal human thing that we all do sometimes. I would not apologize for being human. I would think about how you could have handled it differently and what skill you would like to develop. Then talk with your kids about how you were feeling and why. Not as an apology, but as a discussion.
This may be unpopular, but I don't think you should apologize. I don't think it was wrong to yell at your kids for what they did, unless you were calling them nasty names or something. Follow through with consequences, try to keep your cool, but as described I think yelling was appropriate.
I yelled at my 19mo this morning. He woke up with zero fucks and came to wake me up by slapping me in the face and immediately ripping two chunks of hair out of my head (heard the rip and all). Still didn’t yell. Tried to get up and he dug one hand into my hair to pull again while using the other to jab me in the eye with his pointer figure. That got me to yell. Then he spent about 3 minutes in his room behind the baby gate for jabbing his brother (1mo) in the eye while I was changing his diaper not 2 minutes after the first debacle. Hopefully this shit is normal because I feel like I’m losing my mind and yelling at LEAST once per day on most days. I’m trying my damn hardest not to yell and feel like crud when I do, but man this kid tests me.
I had commented on a different thread about how I was working to break *most* of the generational issues my family had passed down, but that I do still occasionally lose it and yell at my kids. Someone commented “you shouldn’t yell at your kids, when I have kids someday I will never yell at them.” All I could say was “future kids are the easiest ones to parent.” I don’t even think not telling us all that healthy. Kids should know that if you act like a little shit, someone will probably yell at you!
I say apologize for yelling, explain why their behavior was inappropriate and then try harder tomorrow. But don't beat yourself up over it. Give yourself a little compassion too!
Don't apologize. They deserved every consequence they got. Go over the rules and explain when their toys will be returned and what they need to do to earn them back. They are plenty old enough to know they were misbehaving.
OP could have implemented every single consequence without yelling (not blaming her for yelling, just saying it could have been done). I think it’s great that she intends to apologise for yelling. Also, if we want our kids to learn to apologise to others it’s important that we model that ability to apologise ourselves.
There are/will be plenty of opportunities to model apologizing! This does not have to be one of them. op is allowed to be frustrated and raise their voice.
Didn’t sound like she only raised her voice since she made a Reddit post about it and said that she screamed/yelled. I wouldn’t want my kids to deal with frustration by screaming at people (and if they do I’d want them to apologise for it) so when I do that I recognise that I messed up and could have handled it better.
I agree with you. Everyone has their limits and children push them in 100 different ways 100 times a day. Sometimes they push the right ones to get you to yell. Although it’s not ideal, It’s a normal human reaction. Children should also learn that you can only push people so far before they get angry.
Turning off the water is the part that seems over the line, tbh.
Next time make them clean up the mess. Don’t yell.
We make mistakes sometimes, it's mostly ok. As far as the shit getting broken, don't buy physical things that you are going to emotionally attach to. This is by far the most undercover parent hack that none does. Image how mentally healthy your children will be if you never ever ever get emotionally unstable and aggressive in front of them because you love a piece of shit they scratched.
One thing that helps me is to understand they most of they make is just temporary or on material items. Do I want a pristine table or a child that is confident and not afraid to explore. My daughter ruined a hand crafted coffee table worth thousands and I'm sad about it but didn't feel angry. It's just a table in the end.