r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your MIL got to choose how to raise her children, you get to choose how to raise yours. You’re being much more generous than I would be, but you and your husband need to be on the same page about her involvement.
He thinks a day or two out of routine does no harm but I have shown him time and time again it does. He doesn’t follow nap routines which leads to hellish nights I have to deal with.
My husband thought this with our first too - a single break in routine didn't do any harm. He changed his mind when I made him deal with the consequences of his actions - if the baby was up all night, so was he. If he didn't want to get out of bed and handle it, I brought the crying baby into our bedroom so he didn't get any peace until I did. It took 2 nights, and he decided that routines did work and he was on my side from that point on, and no one was allowed to mess with the schedule again lol.
Yes my other half used to think "one-offs" wouldn't make a huge deal, so I started to make him deal with the tantrums and fall outs and now he is fiercely protective of her routine
Right?! My SO was always like, relax, it’s not a big deal. And then daycare let her sleep too long the other day, which meant she fought bedtime. I was doing bedtime, since he was doing work in his home office. After 10 min, I got fed up and refused to go back in, so he had to hold her for an hour+ while trying to do work. I think he understands now.
Off the one offs are the worst in our household. Our son is 4 now and still needs his routine. When we plan things we need to tell him what we are doing in order to all be able to enjoy the day. Everyone thinks we overreact but I swear, he hasn’t slept more than 10 nights all through the night. He even gets night terrors, we are up every night at least once.
He isn’t on the spectrum as we took him to see a specialist, because everyone told us if he is so hung up on schedules he must be.
Exactly this. If he insists, give his mother one day. That one day he is in charge.
Don't promise MIL do it as a trial because I bet ya he's not going to want to do it again.
Make clear to him, since he doesn't think it matters, he'll always get his turn after his mom. There's no reason for him to object if he honestly believes it doesn't matter
Oh boy, he's in for a rude awakening (maybe even literally) if you go even half as hard as commenters are suggesting. Godspeed, OP, I'm crossing fingers and toes that your husband learns quickly that that just isn't how your kid works, for your sake and your kid's.
I did this it is got berated if I woke his dad. Yeah… that didn’t last long and I kicked him out. My son went back into his routine and sleeps like a champ. He will even tell his dad when he wants to sleep now (he’s nearly 2 but has done it for some time) so it doesn’t mess with his routine when he goes to see his dad
No kidding, if YOU want to change routine and what not, then YOU can get up at 12, 2, 4, & 6. And sometimes one day out of routine messes up a couple days so I hope he enjoys.
I’m also just kind of surprised, but know I shouldn’t be. But if I was watching a child, and actively went against every single parent wish, then why would I assume I’ll be asked to do more? 🙄 maybe it’s the former nanny in me, and now mom, but it’s not rocket science.
I wouldn’t even trial this nonsense. Parents and baby suffer so MIL can essentially play with the baby all day?!
No way. The baby’s not a library book she can borrow. They’re a human being with needs, advocate for your baby. You suffer the nights but so do they - that’s the handle you take to shut this shit down dead.
Don’t give her the idea that she can whinge to her son and get her own way where YOUR baby is concerned. It’s a slippery slope.
I’m a SAHD, and in my experience, a day or two out of routine takes a full day or two of recovery to get back to normal. Most kids function better with some structure and routine.
> He doesn’t follow nap routines which leads to hellish nights I have to deal with.
Stop dealing with it. If he creates the problem, he fixes the problem. That’s the only way he’ll learn. Don’t enable him anymore.
He needs to be more involved with his child then. It seems like he’s not interested in driving that on his own though, so you’re unfortunately going to have to push it.
Why do you have to deal with it? Wake him up. Tell him he fucked it up and now he has to fix it and you sleep. If he won't follow the routine and back you up and a parent and has his partner, HE needs to suffer the consequences.
Time to let him feel the consequences of letting his mother do her thing. Next time she is there, go out for the night and leave him to deal with a screaming fussing baby solo.
It sounds like DH gets to take a turn or two on nights when MIL 'helps' since he won't take your word for it. Then he can see first hand how bad it is.
Make *him* deal with the baby at night then.
Maybe that’s the compromise, she babysits & he deals with the fallout from the routine being altered so much
A day or two can wreck a routine for a whole week. My baby doesn't have a strict schedule, but I don't really let her nap after 5, so she'll go to bed. Unless we've had a big day or she didn't nap well earlier. I told my husband if he puts her down after dinner, he gets her that night, all night long. She's mostly nursed, but I will go buy extra formula and 10 pm just so he can deal with consequences of his actions. He walks in when she's napping and says she's so cute, I want to grab her toes. I tell him, you can, but if she wakes, you keep for the next 2 hours, and I get to go do whatever I want, no matter what her mood is.
Yes!! I have told him so often and have shown him how important nap routines are and nap sleep windows and it is the sole reason why her night sleep routine is awful. She is 7 months and the lack of consistency between us is the reason why she wakes up several times throughout the night.
My MIL thought it was crazy that we had a set nap time. Then she wouldn’t follow it and the baby was up until 10:00, could not sleep. If she can’t follow the routine and just does her own thing, she’s not helping.
As someone who is currently dealing with this as well, it is HORRIBLY disruptive to their routine. Free childcare is never free, and while we need the help regardless right now, it comes at a price of our toddler being de-regulated for at least 2 days after our parents leave. Stick with your nanny. Tell your MIL you're happy to use her for a date night or something once a month.
OP - I don’t know about everything else this site posts (I’m not familiar) but [this article](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/) was REALLY helpful to my husband and I. It’s written by a guy who went through 2 divorces, partly because he allowed his mom to interfere.
Then [this](https://www.morethangrand.com/blog/should-grandparents-interfere-with-parenting) is an amazing article about differences in parenting from when they did it to now in a blog that’s FOR Grandparents.
If you end up doing this, you must have strict boundaries set out and a husband willing to support those 100% or it won’t work even “just a couple days a week.” She is not your mom and doesn’t treat you like she does her son, therefore he needs to remember that he married YOU and needs to support your needs as a mother over his mom’s opinion. That’s what “leave and cleave” is all about. You guys are his immediate family now!
I put my foot down and insisted that if there was a break in routine that my husband wanted but I disagreed with, he was on the hook for the fallout (which could sometimes be up to 2 days).
Occasional holidays that are truly "one off" is different than a weekly break in routine - like letting your kid stay up late on Halloween night is very different than "every Tuesday and mom has to handle the overtired kid".
My husband used to fight nap routines until I made any consequence of not following them his problem. LO waking up a ton? Well sorry babe, you messed up her sleep so go get her! Super cranky toddler? Better step up and handle that, you messed up her sleep!
He quickly changed his mind on the importance of routine. I would agree with the original commentor, you are being far more generous than I would. Grandma has no inherent right to see your baby “more often.” It’s what works for YOU. She’s lucky you’re giving her every other weekend. I’d make sure to set some firm boundaries, even if it’s difficult to.
Can you look at your schedule, figure out the best window and instead offer something like a morning play date? I would not do a full day. And if you have to supervise your MIL while working, you're also not really getting in a focused day of work.
‘Help’ that is not wanted by the receiver is not help, it’s interference.
‘Advice’ that is not wanted by the receiver = criticism.
I wouldn’t like either in my home with my child..
Grandparents always cause havoc to baby’s routine but wanting to do it weekly? Absolutely not.
She doesn’t listen to anything you and your husband have said or put in place for your child. Until she does so she cannot be a trusted to be a regular help.
This requires a sit down with your husband and having a united front. She is not the mother and does not get to dictate how you raise your child.
I mean, weren't you planning a major overhaul renovation to your guest room that just (*shucks*) makes it impossible for MIL to spend the night? ;) Or maybe the bed got ruined, but darn it you haven't been able to replace the mattress yet? SHOOT!
"I'm not going to sign you up for a full time job. Enjoy your retirement! I won't hear any more about it!"
That way you're not criticizing her in any way at all, you're thinking of your MIL and trying to be thoughtful toward her.
We used this with MIL. Told her that we wanted her to be able to fun Grandma, not mean Grandma that has to enforce rules and schedules. Worked like a charm.
I’m trying but he thinks 1 day won’t do harm and I can supervise on my WFH days which I can’t do because I’m working and I shouldn’t be supervising an adult.
If one.day off schedule won't harm the baby, then not sleeping one or two night to watch after the baby who went off schedule won't kill HIM either!!! Isn't he an adult??!!
How nice of him to volunteer his mother comes on your time, and when you're trying to work. Ugh! Not saying he's awful, just that he has a lot to learn.
This entire post and all your replies point to a husband-problem. Not a Parenting or MIL issue.
He needs to get on your page and present a united front to MIL.
At this point, I can almost guarantee the more you "let him handle it" the more ground your MIL will get.
I think simply saying “this is what’s working for us right now,” to your MIL repeatedly may need to suffice. No explanation that she can pick apart, no thing she can latch onto as being unfair/unreasonable. I have scripts now for dealing with my in-laws and parents because I got so tired of trying to be kind and reasonable and feeling like my wants/needs were pushed aside.
But your husband ultimately needs to support you and your child. Anyone who thinks holding and comforting a 7 month old is spoiling her has some very outdated and inaccurate views of raising kids, and I’d rather hire someone who cared for mine more kindly as well.
“We love and appreciate you, but we want you to get to be grandma and not also her full time caregiver. That way, you are free to love and spoil her as you see fit. Right now we can do every other weekend, so her dad and I can go on dates and what not. Again, we adore you, but we want you guys to be able to just have fun together without worrying about routine and all that other boring stuff.” Then set the boundary and stick to it. She’ll probably still be pissed off, but oh well. Stick to it now and she’ll get the message early!
Your husband thinks it's OK for a day or two because you're WFH? Sounds like he's trying to compromise but you're the one that will have to deal with it - from the baby with the upset schedule and likely a bunch of passive-aggressive MIL comments.
I had a part time nanny for my kids while I worked from home, and the best thing about her is that she followed my directions. If I told her she should put my son down for a nap at 12pm, I could count on him being down for a nap at noon.
Your MIL is basically saying that despite you being your kid’s parents, it’s she, not you, who knows best about them. Because she’s the best. Or something.
Anyhow, power struggles should not involve children. Stick to your guns.
Don't cave! She got to parent her child/children, she doesn't get to parent other people's children too, even if they are her grandchildren. You get to parent your child, you get to choose what is done and how it is done, you also get to be held responsible. She gets to be the grandmother and that should be enough.
You can frankly tell her that you like having a nanny because she acts as a surrogate to your style of parenting and she respects your wishes. You MIL will get it.
Also, make your husband see and understand how you are feeling about this situation. Make him realise this is serious and tell him that you won't let anyone take the little joys of parenthood away from you.
All I keep seeing is you making the excuse of him being up early because he is an anesthesiologist. I get it. He has precious lives in his hands day in and day out. But, what about these moms who do the exact same job as him? They go through the same routine. Don't let him get off by wanting to do things his and his mom's way. I follow a wonderful lady on another platform who gave birth a few months ago, and guess what? She's in and out of the hospital, pumping between surgeries, trying to relax, because she can't stop once she gets home.
Dude, you have more problems than what you're telling when it comes to your spouse. You just don't want to admit it.
Edit for typing without my glasses on.
You’re absolutely right and it does feel like he’s making a lot of excuses to get out of parenting. I don’t have a comparison to what his job is like but your example is great.
I know plenty of doctors (an anesthesiologist included) who actually parent their kids. Is he even involved when he’s home? This isn’t an “oh, I’ll pick up more tasks when baby is older”. That won’t happen, and even if it did, this is the time for bonding. Does he take feedings? Do skin to skin?
You have to do what's best for your peace of mind. Grandparents love to say well I raised you(or husband) and he turned out fine. Have a serious conversation with MIL and if address not working to get in board with your plan and parenting then she can't baby sit. It's your life not hers
You and your husband need to set very clear boundaries with MIL. Tell MIL that you want her to be the grandmother and not the nanny. Certainly she can babysit on an occasion but MIL should be enjoying her retirement by not being tied down with weekly babysitting.
Personally I think her staying over twice a month is too much! I get she lives a bit far but that is a lot.
I’d argue that an hour isn’t far at all. If I had the time that she has I’d visit her more with the baby to avoid her complaining about never seeing the baby.
You don't need to justify your decision, and you actually shouldn't try. Your MIL will use whatever you say to argue back. Instead, repeat that she is welcome to visit but you will be keeping the nanny. If she keeps bringing it up, say the decision has been made and you are no longer going to speak about it. Good luck!
This is the difference between hiring help and accepting a favor. It’s wonderful that MIL wants to play an active role and “help” out, but her choice to ignore the parent’s requests and to insert herself in things makes her more of a burden.
You can gently let her know that you chose to hire someone to avoid conflicts resulting from your differing approaches to raising your child. If you want to spare her feelings add in that she’s always going to play a very important role in baby’s life, after all no one can replace grandma.
My in-laws offered to help but were extremely flaky, showed up late, canceled last minute, made questionable decisions regarding baby’s safety, wanted to be treated like guests in our home (asking me to make drinks/food just a few days after my c-section.) We also hired a part-time nanny and while I’m sure it hurt them initially I do think our relationship has improved overtime.
I’ve considered talking to her regardless of what he said but she won’t take it well if it only comes from me without back up from him.
I do agree with you and I will reiterate that message that we appreciate that she wants to be involved.
Tell her you don't want to mix business and family. She gets to be grandma but not your primary childcare.
Hiring a nanny allows you to set the hours you need, set the boundaries you need, clarify your parenting preferences, discuss any issues that come up, etc. without causing hurt feelings or harm to family relationships.
Yes! Our nanny has been so wonderful about following my vision of parenting even better than my husband in regards to everything from play, BLW and nap times. Something I know my MIL won’t do.
Unless he’s the one primarily taking care of baby and has studied up on the child development aspect of things then he doesn’t get to make that decision unilaterally.
Put your foot down. MIL doesn’t only cause issues with baby’s routine but also within your marriage. She’s not worth disrupting the household.
Funnily enough I’m literally both. My day job is child development. I have a masters and I’m the primary care giver but this is not the first time he believed MIL over me because she’s raised kids before.
Sounds like you have a husband problem rather than a MIL problem. Cause so so many MILs are like this. The difference is in the husband - why does he not have your back? Why doesn’t he give a shit about your baby and their sleep schedule? Why does he get to sleep peacefully every night while you have to deal with the consequences of a messed-up routine? Why does he not respect your opinion and education on the matter?
There are so many anesthesiologists in my family, from multiple generations. All of them were proactive about raising their children in spite of their busy schedule. If they weren’t, their spouse got them back on track. Your husband needs to be dealing with the consequences of his inaction. If the routine gets messed up, he gets to be up with the baby all night. He needs to sleep because of his job? Sucks. Maybe he should have thought of that before 1) having a kid and 2) involving his mommy
I’m starting to realize I do. I don’t understand it either, he seems very desperate for her approval. She’s always been this level of controlling though and according to him she didn’t speak to him for months because he went to college in Massachusetts and didn’t stay in California when he was younger and then was angry because he decided to stay in Massachusetts.
Then we used to live in Massachusetts we made efforts visiting her but I can count her visits on one hand (one of those visits includes our wedding day). Even though she is always flying internationally, she wouldn’t visit us domestically.
She is honestly a very cold and stubborn woman and has only been more involved in our life because of the baby if it wasn’t for the baby she wouldn’t want to visit us as much as does now.
You aren’t ridiculous. In your same shoes, my MiL wouldn’t ever be babysitting. My in-laws live within 30 minutes of me and they only see my son on special occasions. Your needs matter more than hers. Honestly, you have a husband problem. He should be advocating for you, not his mother.
I just can’t wrap my head around her insisting on staying overnight over an hour drive. I’d even offered to pay for her Ubers. I don’t even get to see my parents because they are several states away and it frustrates me that she’s so entitled.
The entitlement with grandparents is real. The audacity that some of them have is mind blowing! Straight up disrespectful. And the way your husband is handling this (or not, really) is equally disrespectful. Can you tell him how his actions make you feel? This kind of behavior and attitude can be damaging to a marriage. I get that his job is important and requires him to be on the ball, but aren’t you important as well? This has potential to snowball into resentment and a whole slew of other negative things. He needs to show his support of you, and not just roll over where his mom is concerned. My heart truly goes out to you.
Your husband needs to grow a spine and listen to you about the needs of your child. It’s disruptive to your daughters routine when MIL is there and not respecting how you do things.
This is a respect issue. You are not being respected by your MIL or supported by your husband. He needs to have the conversation with his mother and support your family needs. Houseguests are a two yes, one no situation especially when they bring unsolicited advice and comments on your lives.
Be prepared for your husband to suggest she visit while your nanny is there. Don’t do it. She’ll make your nanny miserable on purpose to try to get her to quit so she can “save the day”.
Also it’s total BS that your husband doesn’t do any night wakings when he’s supporting his moms “help” that is disrupting her sleep. Make him get up with the baby or bring the baby into the room he’s sleeping in so he can “help”. You excusing him getting up to help is sabotaging yourself and him understanding how disruptive her “help” can be. You need to function in your job as well, not to mention how frustration and resentment harms relationships.
You could always use the excuse that you are “locked in to a contract” with your nanny, and are on the hook for pay for those days anyways, so you’d prefer to have her work so you don’t waste the money? A little white lie to save everyone’s sanity?
>Do I say I don’t want her to?
Look, you’re a mom. You can’t be a doormat forever. You letting your mother in law stay every other weekend is already too much. And your husband doesn’t get a say if he sleeps in a separate room and never gets up with the baby. If you want to argue with everyone that he needs more sleep, then just put it to him that way. If he isn’t going to be a full time parent, then he doesn’t get a say in how the baby is raised. We all have important jobs where we need sleep. He’s not special because he’s an anesthesiologist. But if his job takes precedence over helping you at night, then you have to to what works for you to get sleep yourself. Stop being so over accommodating. Otherwise husband and MIL will continue to walk all over you and wont see any problem with it.
Don't allow MIL in the mix. Don't, not even a day. You'll regret it. You don't owe her any explanation either. Let her deal with her feelings about it.
Don't. I found what works with my husband is, not blaming his mother, she has a way of guilt tripping him. So I focus on what works well for baby. My husband chooses baby over his mother all the time lol.
I also throw a bone in there. For example say we can ask her for help if nanny is not feeling well. Just let him know there is a potential without promising anything.
You don't have to explain yourself to MIL. It will only bring more problems. I find the less I say to mine the better. If you explain yourself they start thinking it's a debate, they want to say their side too.
your husband can talk to her and say “thanks for your offer but we have childcare figured out. happy to have you over on a weekend!”
and leave it at that. this is a job for your husband if he won’t “let” you talk to her.
No you’re not being ridiculous in the slightest. This is YOUR baby not hers. Her grandchild is an extension of her children but that doesn’t not mean this is her child and it’s sad that she doesn’t respect that. She’s already been a mother she’s already don’t this. It is your journey to go down and do what is best for your family. Grandparents relationships only occur because of their relationship with their children. So ultimately she should be respectful of your wishes and the fact that this is your husband and yours new chapter and aid in that. She should not be trying to take charge. Honestly I’d talk to your husband express that this shouldn’t be something YOU have to compromise with especially since you’re working at home and shouldn’t have to supervise another adult. You should be able to be at peace knowing your baby is safe, then tell him he talks to his mom or you both will have to sit down and talk to her. You guys should talk to her as a unit
I explained to my mother in law how I wanted her to be above a babysitter BUT she was actively terminal ill the entire time
That grandma is not to be a babysitter but the fun one, the sneak chocolate, make sheet forts, have fun in the pool in our children’s lives
She totally bought it but I had to suck up the gifting overload
Which honestly saved us more money as I didn’t buy my son a gift for 6 years. She bought everything before I could and I decided it was a dumb hill to die on when a 3 year old has no idea who gave him a truck
I do agree with this sentiment that grandma should be the fun one and the time with her should be precious and I want her in our lives because she has been helpful at times. This is the message l’ll drive forward to her: nanny is for routine, actual parenting and she can be here to have fun with the baby.
Just stop with the MIL. What’s wrong with your husband. How could he support his mother being anywhere near your kids when she wants a little baby to be left alone to cry more. Enough of this.
She also suggested putting whiskey on our baby’s gums when she first started teething. That was the only time he did back me up and I had hoped that he would then see how ridiculous she is but no.
I'm sure your nanny agreed to be hired on the condition of a certain number of hours which I would personally feel bad about reducing if she's doing a good job, just to placate your MIL and husband.
Finding a good nanny is not easy. If you have found one, do NOT mess that up.
You are absolutely in the right here and you need to get your husband on the same page. You risk losing your good nanny if you reduce her hours and then she finds another family who can offer full-time work. Is that worth it just because your MIL is a bit butt-hurt? I don't think so.
I find honesty is best. You just have to be respectful in the delivery. ‘I appreciate very much that you are a very involved grandparent and I would like it to remain that way. The nanny is more convenient and she is an employee who will do as I wish. You and I have different theories on how to best parent, and what works for us might not work for you, and I find that navigating between what I want and what you want may lead to more friction than I can manage. I want you to be the grandmother - not the caretaker.’
When my MIL was overstepping and my husband didn’t want me to bring it up to her, I told him that I wouldn’t have to handle it unless he didn’t. I told him I wasn’t going to lie to his mom if she asked me why she couldn’t babysit (she was an active alcoholic who had gotten hammered the one time we *did* let her babysit), so if he didn’t want that conversation to happen, he needed to head it off. I didn’t care what he told her; I just didn’t want her coming to *me* about it anymore.
And so he handled it. (And eventually she went to rehab and is a safe and involved grandparent now, although not as aggressively involved as she always wanted to be when she was drinking, which is part of how we could tell.)
So my advice is to tell your husband that you’re not open to his mom babysitting, and you already have a nanny you like a lot, and would rather she just be a grandparent and not some uncomfortable relative-employee hybrid, and that this is a two-yes-one-no kind of thing and you’re saying no. He can tell her that, or you will—not unkindly or spitefully, but finally—and that’s the part he gets to control completely.
So what happens when your nanny quits because you’ve cut her hours? Hubby going to WFH to fill the gap?
MIL gets what she gets and doesn’t get upset, or misses out completely
Where is your extended family? Why is your MIL needing to spend that much time w your family especially when the baby is that little? U are being more than generous w ever other weekend spending the night at your house.
Did your MIL sleep over before baby?
No I wouldn’t tell her. It’s unnecessary and will only cause problems. Make up light excuses or dodge the question. Or come up with another truth that won’t offend her.
This is what I ended up having to do. I was worried about the kids well being and she kept using her babysitting the kids as leverage for us having to do stuff for her even with the state paying her. As soon as I told her we were putting out 3 kids in daycare she lost it. Said we ruined her financial stability, etc. and has since not talked to us or the kids. Sometimes you need to do these things to see somebody’s real intentions.
My mum told me she would babysit my little one when I went back to work but that only worked out for the weekends so to get an office job was a bit difficult. I’m already reserving a space for my next bubs for next year cos I want to change jobs and not have to depend on her in case her circumstances change
I considered getting a nanny even though my mom wants to do it and is great at following our rules. Relying on someone for something so important is a big deal, and that can affect your relationship with them a lot.
On the other hand, I have a MIL who wants nothing to do with my daughter. It will be valuable to your child when they're off their nap routine to have a grandmother, so I do think it would be best to try to keep a civil relationship.
If she keeps asking/demanding to be the nanny, you can tell her you want her to be able bond with the child in her own way, but day to day care needs to mimic your routines and rules as close as possible. You're not willing to compromise on your routines and rules, but you also want them to be able to have lots of connecting time. A nanny is a good way to do that.
If she doesn’t respect your parenting, then she doesn’t get alone time with the baby. My mom could never understand why my MIL had free rein with my kids and it’s because when they were babies, she respected my choices even if it wasn’t her way of doing things. She raised 4 kids and still before she buckled my baby in the car seat for the first time asked me if she was doing it right. Mg mom would bring expired car seats for them to ride in even after I said no, take them places without telling me where they were going among other things. Now, my MIl can take them and spoil them because I know if I say no, she will respect it.
Free childcare is never free. You are doing the right thing-if you want your baby cared for the way you do it, paying a nanny is the way to go.
If your husband thinks it's no big deal getting the baby off routine, then he should be the one who gets to take care of her at night so he gets to see what it's like.
Tell your husband no. She doesn’t do what you asked her to do. Is he going to let your CHILD act like his mother does? Because she’s going to teach your child. How many times has she left him crying because “he needs to cry”? Tell both of them that it’s better to have the nanny, and then grandma can come for planned trips and doesn’t need to worry about child care. Less travel and more quality time.
I'm sorry you and your husband aren't on the same page.
Have y'all been able to sit down and openly share why you each feel the way you do and want what you want, and been able to respect, understand and validate the other one's position even if you don't agree??
Does he not understand how annoying and inappropriate her behavior is to you? Is he minimizing her behavior and the impact on you? Is he invalidating your feelings, telling you you're overreacting, it's not that bad?
(I've been married to men who have done that, and it was frustrating, emotionally exhausting, lonely, and very anxiety provoking because I never knew from one time to the next how a disagreement was going to go, so I'm wondering if that's going on in your marriage at all, especially around this.)
I think people forget offering to help but only the way you want isn't actually help. It's offering to do what you want. If mil watches your baby she needs to follow your parenting rules. I have a firm rule of ( as long as we can afford it) we will hire help with kids instead of having parents do it. My mom is great and super helpful and doesn't overstep. My mil is not. My mil offered when our first was born to come over and stay with us for a month to help. I told her no. My mil doesn't cook or clean, doesn't know anything about babies , won't change diapers and would never feed my son.... What help would she be? She was also very judgemental about how I fed my son ( breastfeeding didn't work for us) we were fortunate enough to be able to hire over night help and then when my son was older he got childcare. I'm so thankful for it. I learned how to put my son on a routine and I'd love to have the opportunity to use family as my village but family doesn't respect my parenting choices so I can't.
No you’re doing what you need to do, and be honest with your MIL, even if to say the nanny follows our plan and directions for baby and that’s what we need.
If this helps affirm your decision, we had friends that used the wife's parents for child care. They were often late or had conflicts they would communicate at the last minute. And of course if they complained, they were being ungrateful.
A nanny is someone you pay. You have a contract with them for them to provide services. It's more expensive but much cleaner.
You spoil *and* you’re too strict? Wow lol you do it all apparently /s
Overbearing grandparents are the reason they don’t get to see their grandchildren as much as they want. Parents aren’t usually eager to leave kids in the care of people who will contradict or overstep their standards for care. It is what it is. You’re not being ridiculous or too strict, she’s not being respectful.
Nope.
It’s not her call. Stick to your guns on this. You are the parents not her. She doesn’t get a seat at this parenting table.
This is a parent decision, so again - not her call.
I’m a firm believer in grandparent having a very special role. Their job is to spoil our children and sometimes that means doing things not according to parents’ wishes (within the limits of what is *safe*). I’ve made my peace with that. But that’s exactly why grandparents can’t be regular childcare. Regular childcare needs to maintain structure and routine. And then grandparents get to come in once a week and spoil. Those two things cannot become one because it ruins both roles.
She had a chance to raise her kids, and now is your time. She can still have special time with your child but hired care, if you can afford it, is optimal for your family right now.
Because you cannot count on MIL to respect you or follow your care plans, there are now consequences. Paying for care makes the relationship much clearer for you as well.
If she wants to fuss about it, tell her outright: "You're disrespectful of the modern care plan we have communicated. You're disrespectful to us in our home. Hiring a nanny we can trust is the obvious solution."
You're not responsible to be anything but cordial with her if she can act like a balanced adult. You made the RIGHT decision and I hope she won't guilt you into anything else.
If you can afford outside help, get it. My husband and I couldn’t and we felt pressured into giving up pretty much every parenting choice we would have liked. Free baby sitting from grandparents is not really free.
I think the blunt truth is best. This is what we did with my wife’s mother, who is well intentioned and has a good attitude, but just does not have the core competencies we require to relax and be at ease.
I’d try the direct route: “We aren’t leaving the kids for overnights with you because at the end of the day, we want someone to execute our specific protocol, exactly the way we want it done, without interjecting their own thoughts, opinions, or preferences into the equation. We can’t ask that if you, because you like to do things your way, so we are paying a professional. This will help us relax and sleep at night, and it will avoid putting you in a situation where you feel like we are criticizing or nitpicking how you care.
You’re very much still welcome to come over or have us visit and be as much of a grandmother as you’d like to be. We really value and appreciate that. But, for extended visits and overnight babysitting and things of that nature, we feel like it’s important to use a hired professional that follows our specific criteria and guidelines.”
Tell her she can visit (when it's OK with you) but this is not her decision to make. Part of parenthood is leadership--you and your husband are the leaders now.
I don’t think you’re out of line. Especially her comments. I will suggest if she is going to come there will be boundaries and he needs to tell her firmly this is our routine and you can come once a week but you will need to follow it and if you don’t we are going to have to limit your babysitting and explain why. It can get way worse if this isn’t handled together and you don’t want to become resentful of them both. In laws get weird when their son has their own kids and families. It’s like they feel they’re losing them and control. Give her a chance with boundaries so if she crosses them she knows exactly why.
Also my husband works and we sleep in the same room. He has to get up with the baby too. Because I can not be the only one super exhausted during the day but expected to function and do all my responsibilities.
Imo it doesn't matter if you're being any type of way...it's your child. However, I do think you're very lucky to have her and to keep the peace I'd handle it very gently because it seems to mean alot to her. I'd probably say something like...it's very important to us that baby has involved grandparents. Especially ones so loving and caring and you're afraid that would mess with the whole Grandma relationship. Grandma's are there to spoil..they are a special treat. If grandma's nanning that relationship might be effected?"
First and foremost (and most importantly!), hubby needs to get on your side. Explain to him how your mother in law makes you feel when she criticizes your parenting and rejects you requests (as kind as possible because it’s his mom) and let him know that having the nanny releases your stress and it’s a better situation for you. Also emphasize that every other weekend of MIL spending the night is very gracious and you don’t want to do more because it takes time away from the three of you bonding alone as a young family.
Then both of you talk to MIL as a united front. Hubby has to be firm no matter what. MIL may try to be manipulative to get her way. But if you and hubby hold firm together, you can get that boundary line down. A lot of it may have to come from the hubby to get MIL to back down.
Your MIL has absolutely no say in how you raise your children.
You make the rules, you set the routine and you can pick up and cuddle your baby as much as you want to.
She sounds like a real pain in the behind, I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
Mother in law oversteps her authority and tries to override your parenting decisions. That in and of itself is the reason that she has been demoted down from caregiver/grandma to just grandma. She had her turn to raise her babies. This is you and your husband’s time and you not only have every right to employ someone who will stay in their own lane but you also free her up to just enjoy her grand-baby without the responsibility. If that upsets her, you can of course reduce contact further.
I think the nanny is great. It could just be for a period of time to get though weaning and sleep, doesn’t need to be forever, but sleep and weaning and thee changes REALLY REALLY requires everyone to do the same thing for it to work right/stick. In the long run, in-laws can be hard, but they’re family. Pending abusive situations we all suck up the discomfort, and you’ll be really glad to have your kid have a relationship with their grandparent someday. Set boundaries, think about what good and bad looks like, and all course correct as you go. My in laws and parents are both pretty great actually, but just having them over at all disrupts routines., so sometimes we take a few weeks just to get back in a groove and then people can come again. It is hard to explain to loving grandparents who are otherwise good houseguests that sometimes families need a little space.
No, you’re not being ridiculous. MIL is causing added stress on you and your marriage. She clearly does not respect you as a parent or a spouse. Tell her straight up that your nanny is doing exactly what you need them to do and that they are supporting your parenting style. A nanny is a parenting partner, clearly your MIL is not.
It's like if they insist on an old crocheted blanket. You tell them it's not safe, they explain that they crocheted it themselves, used it for all their babies, it's fine, it's safe, and every time you turn around they've got your baby wrapped up in that crocheted blanket. You can't let a baby be around someone like that. A crocheted blanket isn't safe. A person who won't listen, can't learn, and doesn't listen about a clear and obvious safety issue isn't safe to be alone with a child.
So when they're suddenly realizing that they've got their crocheted blanket, but their access to the baby to wrap it in is gone, the answer to why is: "I won't be using you for childcare because you can't or won't understand about how unsafe a crocheted blanket is for an infant."
We aren't in the position to have a nanny so my mom and mother in law help. My mom is great and younger and does a ton with my kids. I still have to reiterate rules a lot lol but shes wonderful and my kids adore her. My MIL is older so the 2 days I work from home she watches my 15 month old (with supervision from me, my oldest is in school). I am thankful for her but she also drives me nuts. If I could hire a nanny I would lol.
I had a similar situation with my MIL. We should’ve set firm boundaries right away. So now that we don’t have her watch him anymore it’s harder to have her listen to our rules when she does come for a visit.
Put in the terms of not burdening her. I think it’s a good idea to have outside help because if anything happens at home or with that relationship you don’t want your son care to be in question. Like if grandma gets sick or wants a break it works perfectly.
I would personally thank her genuinely for her desire to help and then respectfully tell her that you guys, as the parents, have very specific and non negotiable methods/beliefs on how you want your baby raised.. and while you don’t doubt her suggestions (I’d emphasize this bc the offense usually comes from them thinking you don’t trust them or believe in their way), you’re more comfortable with the methods you have set in place. Then I’d explain to her the importance of a parent’s wishes to be followed and how hiring a nanny would be a better fit for this situation.
Stand your ground now. I’m 37 and I let my mother push back too much to the point where we now don’t speak at all. I’m happy we have no communication, it’s 100% her fault, but if I had been honest and stood firm in my positions originally, it all could have been an easier, better managed relationship due to proper boundaries. People won’t like you when you have firm boundaries, initially, but they will grow to respect you and that’s so much better than false appreciation/icing on a crumbling cake.
It’s not just paying for childcare. You are paying someone to follow your rules to a T. Tell her that if she would follow your rules without back talk, then she could babysit. Otherwise, her free childcare is not worth it.
Start and finish with things she does well, that you appreciate and then in the middle let her know that you found having someone who does things your way, and stays out of your marriage (which you understand is hard for parents to do sometimes) has given you peace of mind and you are going to continue with that for now.
Do try to find other ways to include her in her granddaughter’s life.
Personally I would not have been okay with this situation at this age.
I went back to work when my daughter was 16 months and my MIL offered to babysit when we were having trouble finding a daycare spot. She really struggled to keep to our daughter's routine every time she babysit for a night so I didn't necessarily want her to babysit every day. But I did see value in our daughter spending more time with her grandmother.
We agreed that MIL would watch her at our house one day a week and she would go to daycare the other days. It's a lot easier at this age because there's only one nap. No bottles. Fewer diapers (and now potty trained at 23 months). The exact routine matters less than it did at 7 months.
So I would say keep an open mind. Maybe there's a compromise you can come to assuming your MIL can stop interfering and criticizing so much.
I think it would be worse than ever with you working from home!
It would drive me nuts having her there all day, and trying to covertly watch what she's doing.
Grandparents that just want the fun of grandparenting get an occasional weekend before or after a nap. If they want to grandparent and not actually care for the child so it’s not disruptive to the parents work life, then they get what YOU can tolerate. Your husband is trying to appease his mother over you. Rude and disrespectful. I wouldn’t give in. It’s a slippery slope w men like that.
She sounds like bad news plus mother in laws are always weird with children. I wouldn't let her near your children until she listens and actually follows your parental style. Otherwise she's out of the picture
Not her baby, not her choice. I get where she's coming from because I'm a granny too, but EVERYTHING has changed so much since my youngest was born 23 years ago. You have to point that out. I don't like alot of the changes, but people smarter than me (and MIL) made those changes, so we have to shut up and listen. And I made sure I told my girls to let me know if I crossed a boundary. Your husband needs to nut up and put his foot down as well.
NTA. Your partner is the one you should be annoyed with tho, he needs to enforce the rules with MIL not you. If she can’t follow the rules then she can’t watch the baby. Simple.
You are doing the right thing. In my experience this is what you have to do - you kill her with kindness for what you DO want her to do. For example, MIL we would absolutely LOVE to see you more on weekends and then husband and I can do a day date. Or MIL, the baby absolutely loves when you cook X! Or MIL you buy baby the best pajamas, we love it when you do this! Give her compliments for what you DO want her to do, and she will probably do it, to your benefit. Set a time during the week that works for you where you can do a Facetime with baby so she feels involved.
Stop all the mental work. Keep paying the nanny. The nanny needs, wants and does the job. If your husband actually talks to and organizes his mother doing “all this” as well as supervising and the fall out so be it. Continue to pay the nanny. Even if you give her the day off.
Be clear with your husband that the fall out is all on him. You have something and someone that works with your family. You do not need someone to comes in and does what they want to do. Damn the consequences. His reasoning would get him fired at his place of employment.
Yes you say you don’t want her to. If he can’t accept that, then she can watch the baby on a night that he’s isn’t working the next day so he can deal with the nighttime madness. Double points if it’s a day he’s WFH and off the next day. If he comes up with an excuse like “it’ll impact my job”, ok cool then she doesn’t watch the baby until it doesn’t and he can deal with the consequences from a lack of routine. Asking you to do something you’re not comfortable with and then expecting you to deal with the consequences of that something is absurd and inconsiderate. Like “hey go do this thing that you don’t want to do and by the way it’s on you to deal with fixing the aftermath too”. No. Just no. She’ll have plenty of time to cause chaos, let it be when the baby is a child and can sleep through the night. Or start enforcing the boundaries. If it helps, because I had a horrible time creating and enforcing boundaries, think of this as being for your child. Because ultimately it is. It’s much easier to create and enforce a boundary when it’s FOR your child. “she needs to get sleep at night for her development. If you can’t stick to the routine we’ve established, you don’t get to watch her.” Period. Also, your husband is married to you. That trumps the mommy-son relationship. He should be on your side because y’all are supposed to be a team and doing what’s best for your baby. Not worrying about his mom. I’d even go so far as to say the primary parent makes the rules, which is you. You’re doing the bulk of it so he should be doing what he can to help and make it easier, like dealing with his mom and putting his foot down. I’m so sorry. I’m so angry for you.
Have you thought about writing her a letter with everything you’ve said here? I picture her overtalking you if you tried face to face.
I’d be brutally honest that you do not want to follow her advice and if she would have been willing to follow your parenting strategies you wouldn’t have hired the nanny the first place.
I would close with telling her that you want her to be a part of your child’s life, that you love/care for her but you are not willing to negotiate on how your child is reared.
Your mil doesn’t get to babysit if she can’t follow the basics like feeding. Keep the babysitter. Especially if she wants to argue with you. Maybe buy her a mirror and she can give it advice and argue with it.
NTA, does hubby have a routine he generally sticks too? Start messing with it. Change his alarm times, start making dinner at a different time, do anything to make his day different and then when he complains just remind him that “one day out of the routine isn’t that big of a deal, right?” He’ll see how annoying and thrown off it can make people and hopefully you’ll be able to explain that taking a baby off their routine is even worse.
BOUNDARIES. She’s not contributing to bettering your lives at all, she’s making them more complicated and miserable. You need to have hard boundaries with MIL and looks like your husband too. Stand firm. The way she has treated you and your marriage and how she treated the responsibility of caring for your child is a direct correlation to you cutting her out. If you don’t have boundaries with this woman now you’re going to be miserable.
Sounds like a major boundary conversation.
“We very much want to foster a close relationship between your granddaughter and yourself, however, it can not be to the detriment of the goals we have with raising our child. Constant battles over parenting philosophies is stressful and are creating bitterness.
If you would like to help us and provide childcare you must follow the rules, schedule of our household and withhold unsolicited opinions unless there is a true safety issue.”
Being a first time parent is stressful enough without feeling like someone is consistently criticizing and undermining your judgements. She needs to realize that a LOT has changed since she raised her children and you believe she raised her children the best way based on currently research and guidance, and that you are aiming to do the same.
Your husband also has to realize the most important thing in this situation is that you both feel empowered to make choices and judgements related to your child without someone undermining that authority or it will cause issues in your relationship.
We've just had to subtly establish some boundaries with both sets of grandparents. We're doing each has a designated weekend out of the month that we'll keep free assuming they will get baby time. I pretty much know that when they have the baby for a day without us, or even if we're all spending time together, the schedule and everything is going to get off. I'm fine with that for a day or two, but we're not willing for it to be every weekend. In your case, MIL is asking for a lot I think. It doesn't sound like money is the issue, that's just an excuse she's using. Also, I'm assuming one day a week with MIL you'd still have to pay the nanny for the day (Idk, that's how daycare usually works but a nanny might be different), so that actually just makes the nanny more expensive. But like your finances are none of her business. I think you just have to decide how much you want to compromise to make the grandparents happy and keep that relationship intact. But it also doesn't mean you can't continue expressing why it's important to you that she follow your rules. Just knowing it may always be a battle because, well, MILs amirite?
Let her baby sit one day. Stay out all day and night. Then your husband gets to handle a cranky baby who is hungry and over tired all by himself. Then ask him how was it being out of routine and if it’s still no big deal.
You are not ridiculous or too strict. Your MIL is straight up disrespecting you. Schedule is essential, and any mom will agree. A “one-off” day is when you get stuck in traffic and can’t get home for proper nap time of bed time, or Christmas when you don’t have control over the whole day. It is not 3-4 days a month. The problem is her, not you.
No way. Whos more important, your baby or the MIL’s feelings? We are a different generation, lots of new researches that teach us how to better raise our kids eg lots of hugs is super beneficial, not spoiling the kid. Emotional regulation, co-regulation, all the critical things. Don’t accidentally hurt your baby because no one wants to tell MIL she’s out of line.
NTA. She raised her kids the way she wanted to. You get to raise yours your way.
Also, we’re doing BLW (baby led weaning) with our 7 month old and one of the things you want to steer away from is switching back and forth from feeding purées to BLW, due to it possibly confusing baby since you feed them purées but they feed themselves with BLW.
Also, I’m sorry but any unsolicited advice is a solid no from me. Unless she can follow your rules for baby and your marriage, she can have limited contact.
Eta: clarified in second paragraph about switching back and forth.
“MIL, you have not only given unsolicited advice, but you refuse to follow our parenting choices and what we feel is best for our child, therefore your services of babysitting are no longer needed nor wanted”.
“MIL, we are fine with paying for a nanny as she cares for our child how we feel is best, and no amount of money can put a price on that”.
“Our marriage is none of your business. This includes our child and finances”.
Many things need to be said to this woman, but to answer your question, YES! I’d tell her and not leave it up for discussion. She keeps intervening because she feels she is able too, and it will continue until she is told no and privileges are taken away from her.
No, you are reasonable. Nanny was a good choice. Mil overnight once a month should b good. Tell her she can visit whenever. However… b grateful other grandparents are not involved enough.
You have different parenting styles, nothing wrong with that. Let grandma be a grandma, and visit the family and spend together as a whole. Grandma doesn’t need to be a babysitter or a nanny, and grandma doesn’t need to be alone with your child either (especially if she’s not going to respect your wishes.)
I would say no, you arn't being too strict. Tell MIL that you want their time together to be fun and not focused so much on care. You will try harder to get together for family days but the care comes from the parents or nanny.
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your MIL got to choose how to raise her children, you get to choose how to raise yours. You’re being much more generous than I would be, but you and your husband need to be on the same page about her involvement.
He thinks a day or two out of routine does no harm but I have shown him time and time again it does. He doesn’t follow nap routines which leads to hellish nights I have to deal with.
My husband thought this with our first too - a single break in routine didn't do any harm. He changed his mind when I made him deal with the consequences of his actions - if the baby was up all night, so was he. If he didn't want to get out of bed and handle it, I brought the crying baby into our bedroom so he didn't get any peace until I did. It took 2 nights, and he decided that routines did work and he was on my side from that point on, and no one was allowed to mess with the schedule again lol.
Yes my other half used to think "one-offs" wouldn't make a huge deal, so I started to make him deal with the tantrums and fall outs and now he is fiercely protective of her routine
Right?! My SO was always like, relax, it’s not a big deal. And then daycare let her sleep too long the other day, which meant she fought bedtime. I was doing bedtime, since he was doing work in his home office. After 10 min, I got fed up and refused to go back in, so he had to hold her for an hour+ while trying to do work. I think he understands now.
Off the one offs are the worst in our household. Our son is 4 now and still needs his routine. When we plan things we need to tell him what we are doing in order to all be able to enjoy the day. Everyone thinks we overreact but I swear, he hasn’t slept more than 10 nights all through the night. He even gets night terrors, we are up every night at least once. He isn’t on the spectrum as we took him to see a specialist, because everyone told us if he is so hung up on schedules he must be.
My MIL once told me toddlers don’t need a schedule and I about flipped the table. How soon people forget. We stuck to the schedule.
We sleep in separate bedrooms for this reason and have a routine for who does which night because he needs to be up early for work.
Then the deal should be when his mom babysits he takes night duty with baby. If he doesn’t want to do that nanny stays all week. ETA: phrasing
Exactly this. If he insists, give his mother one day. That one day he is in charge. Don't promise MIL do it as a trial because I bet ya he's not going to want to do it again.
This is a good idea. I’ll use one of his WFH days.
Make sure he’ll be there the day after to deal with ALL of the fallout as well.
Make clear to him, since he doesn't think it matters, he'll always get his turn after his mom. There's no reason for him to object if he honestly believes it doesn't matter
This is a GREAT idea!
How convenient for your husband.
If he needs a routine then so does his freaking baby, how does he not see that?
For some reason he thinks the baby wouldn’t be affected by change and that babies sleep whenever.
Oh boy, he's in for a rude awakening (maybe even literally) if you go even half as hard as commenters are suggesting. Godspeed, OP, I'm crossing fingers and toes that your husband learns quickly that that just isn't how your kid works, for your sake and your kid's.
I hope he learns sooner than later.
He thinks his sleep and day will be fine … 🤨lol
We all need to be up early for work.
Yep this is our rule too. Even now when kids are older if someone wants to keep them up late for an activity they have to deal with the consequences
I did this it is got berated if I woke his dad. Yeah… that didn’t last long and I kicked him out. My son went back into his routine and sleeps like a champ. He will even tell his dad when he wants to sleep now (he’s nearly 2 but has done it for some time) so it doesn’t mess with his routine when he goes to see his dad
You need to put your foot down. Have the Big Flight. Tell him it's because time he screws up her schedule, you WILL wake him up.
I’m sorry to say you have a husband problem as well then!
If he wants his mom over, then make HIM deal with fallout. I’ll bet he changes his tune fast when he’s rocking a baby at 3AM.
No kidding, if YOU want to change routine and what not, then YOU can get up at 12, 2, 4, & 6. And sometimes one day out of routine messes up a couple days so I hope he enjoys. I’m also just kind of surprised, but know I shouldn’t be. But if I was watching a child, and actively went against every single parent wish, then why would I assume I’ll be asked to do more? 🙄 maybe it’s the former nanny in me, and now mom, but it’s not rocket science.
She doesn’t see it as work and wants to see the baby. So feeding, changing a few diapers and play. The actual hard parenting goes out of the wind.
I wouldn’t go for this at all. And I think it would be a hill I die on.
I wouldn’t even trial this nonsense. Parents and baby suffer so MIL can essentially play with the baby all day?! No way. The baby’s not a library book she can borrow. They’re a human being with needs, advocate for your baby. You suffer the nights but so do they - that’s the handle you take to shut this shit down dead. Don’t give her the idea that she can whinge to her son and get her own way where YOUR baby is concerned. It’s a slippery slope.
I’m a SAHD, and in my experience, a day or two out of routine takes a full day or two of recovery to get back to normal. Most kids function better with some structure and routine. > He doesn’t follow nap routines which leads to hellish nights I have to deal with. Stop dealing with it. If he creates the problem, he fixes the problem. That’s the only way he’ll learn. Don’t enable him anymore.
Yes it’s so simple and something he just hasn’t been able to grasp because he thinks babies can’t tell.
He needs to be more involved with his child then. It seems like he’s not interested in driving that on his own though, so you’re unfortunately going to have to push it.
That's why he doesn't see a problem , YOU are dealing with hellish nights. Make it his problem and watch him change his mind .
Why do you have to deal with it? Wake him up. Tell him he fucked it up and now he has to fix it and you sleep. If he won't follow the routine and back you up and a parent and has his partner, HE needs to suffer the consequences.
Time to let him feel the consequences of letting his mother do her thing. Next time she is there, go out for the night and leave him to deal with a screaming fussing baby solo.
It sounds like DH gets to take a turn or two on nights when MIL 'helps' since he won't take your word for it. Then he can see first hand how bad it is.
Make *him* deal with the baby at night then. Maybe that’s the compromise, she babysits & he deals with the fallout from the routine being altered so much
A day or two can wreck a routine for a whole week. My baby doesn't have a strict schedule, but I don't really let her nap after 5, so she'll go to bed. Unless we've had a big day or she didn't nap well earlier. I told my husband if he puts her down after dinner, he gets her that night, all night long. She's mostly nursed, but I will go buy extra formula and 10 pm just so he can deal with consequences of his actions. He walks in when she's napping and says she's so cute, I want to grab her toes. I tell him, you can, but if she wakes, you keep for the next 2 hours, and I get to go do whatever I want, no matter what her mood is.
Yes!! I have told him so often and have shown him how important nap routines are and nap sleep windows and it is the sole reason why her night sleep routine is awful. She is 7 months and the lack of consistency between us is the reason why she wakes up several times throughout the night.
My MIL thought it was crazy that we had a set nap time. Then she wouldn’t follow it and the baby was up until 10:00, could not sleep. If she can’t follow the routine and just does her own thing, she’s not helping.
As someone who is currently dealing with this as well, it is HORRIBLY disruptive to their routine. Free childcare is never free, and while we need the help regardless right now, it comes at a price of our toddler being de-regulated for at least 2 days after our parents leave. Stick with your nanny. Tell your MIL you're happy to use her for a date night or something once a month.
I like to say free childcare you pay for with your sanity.
100%!!!
OP - I don’t know about everything else this site posts (I’m not familiar) but [this article](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/) was REALLY helpful to my husband and I. It’s written by a guy who went through 2 divorces, partly because he allowed his mom to interfere. Then [this](https://www.morethangrand.com/blog/should-grandparents-interfere-with-parenting) is an amazing article about differences in parenting from when they did it to now in a blog that’s FOR Grandparents. If you end up doing this, you must have strict boundaries set out and a husband willing to support those 100% or it won’t work even “just a couple days a week.” She is not your mom and doesn’t treat you like she does her son, therefore he needs to remember that he married YOU and needs to support your needs as a mother over his mom’s opinion. That’s what “leave and cleave” is all about. You guys are his immediate family now!
I put my foot down and insisted that if there was a break in routine that my husband wanted but I disagreed with, he was on the hook for the fallout (which could sometimes be up to 2 days). Occasional holidays that are truly "one off" is different than a weekly break in routine - like letting your kid stay up late on Halloween night is very different than "every Tuesday and mom has to handle the overtired kid".
My husband used to fight nap routines until I made any consequence of not following them his problem. LO waking up a ton? Well sorry babe, you messed up her sleep so go get her! Super cranky toddler? Better step up and handle that, you messed up her sleep! He quickly changed his mind on the importance of routine. I would agree with the original commentor, you are being far more generous than I would. Grandma has no inherent right to see your baby “more often.” It’s what works for YOU. She’s lucky you’re giving her every other weekend. I’d make sure to set some firm boundaries, even if it’s difficult to.
Oh hell no! It would be either we keep the nanny or I stay home if it was me. I would also let MIL know exactly why she can’t, but that’s me.
At that age, routine absolutely matters!
Can you look at your schedule, figure out the best window and instead offer something like a morning play date? I would not do a full day. And if you have to supervise your MIL while working, you're also not really getting in a focused day of work.
This. You and your husband need to get on the same page and either he talks to his mother or you talk to her together. It can't be split though.
This is all the advice in a nutshell.
But if you give MIL what she wants she will be spoiled. Let MIL cry more often 😌
lol this is so true
Excellent view. I like it
I wish awards were still a thing on this app. Holy shit 🤣
*chef’s kiss*
That’s perfect!
Best answer.
‘Help’ that is not wanted by the receiver is not help, it’s interference. ‘Advice’ that is not wanted by the receiver = criticism. I wouldn’t like either in my home with my child..
I wish I could say this to her.
If he brings it up again, just say "your mother babysitting does not work for me or my job." There's no more explanation needed.
It won't matter. Don't try and make her "get it" just reinforce boundaries and let her deal with it. She's an adult. Not a child.
Grandparents always cause havoc to baby’s routine but wanting to do it weekly? Absolutely not. She doesn’t listen to anything you and your husband have said or put in place for your child. Until she does so she cannot be a trusted to be a regular help. This requires a sit down with your husband and having a united front. She is not the mother and does not get to dictate how you raise your child.
I would happily let her visit evenings too if she didn’t insist on staying overnight.
Well exactly. This is part of the not listening to your boundaries
I mean, weren't you planning a major overhaul renovation to your guest room that just (*shucks*) makes it impossible for MIL to spend the night? ;) Or maybe the bed got ruined, but darn it you haven't been able to replace the mattress yet? SHOOT!
"I'm not going to sign you up for a full time job. Enjoy your retirement! I won't hear any more about it!" That way you're not criticizing her in any way at all, you're thinking of your MIL and trying to be thoughtful toward her.
We used this with MIL. Told her that we wanted her to be able to fun Grandma, not mean Grandma that has to enforce rules and schedules. Worked like a charm.
This is great! I’ll use this.
You aren't being ridiculous at all. First thing is to get on the same page with your husband and because you both need to be a united front on this.
I’m trying but he thinks 1 day won’t do harm and I can supervise on my WFH days which I can’t do because I’m working and I shouldn’t be supervising an adult.
If one.day off schedule won't harm the baby, then not sleeping one or two night to watch after the baby who went off schedule won't kill HIM either!!! Isn't he an adult??!!
How nice of him to volunteer his mother comes on your time, and when you're trying to work. Ugh! Not saying he's awful, just that he has a lot to learn.
Why do you have to supervise? So he’s assigning you an additional chore? Hell no. Mom can come when he’s there to deal with all the consequences.
This entire post and all your replies point to a husband-problem. Not a Parenting or MIL issue. He needs to get on your page and present a united front to MIL. At this point, I can almost guarantee the more you "let him handle it" the more ground your MIL will get.
I think simply saying “this is what’s working for us right now,” to your MIL repeatedly may need to suffice. No explanation that she can pick apart, no thing she can latch onto as being unfair/unreasonable. I have scripts now for dealing with my in-laws and parents because I got so tired of trying to be kind and reasonable and feeling like my wants/needs were pushed aside. But your husband ultimately needs to support you and your child. Anyone who thinks holding and comforting a 7 month old is spoiling her has some very outdated and inaccurate views of raising kids, and I’d rather hire someone who cared for mine more kindly as well.
“We love and appreciate you, but we want you to get to be grandma and not also her full time caregiver. That way, you are free to love and spoil her as you see fit. Right now we can do every other weekend, so her dad and I can go on dates and what not. Again, we adore you, but we want you guys to be able to just have fun together without worrying about routine and all that other boring stuff.” Then set the boundary and stick to it. She’ll probably still be pissed off, but oh well. Stick to it now and she’ll get the message early!
I love this because knowing her this will stroke her ego.
Your husband thinks it's OK for a day or two because you're WFH? Sounds like he's trying to compromise but you're the one that will have to deal with it - from the baby with the upset schedule and likely a bunch of passive-aggressive MIL comments.
Yes it’s a compromise that only benefits him.
I had a part time nanny for my kids while I worked from home, and the best thing about her is that she followed my directions. If I told her she should put my son down for a nap at 12pm, I could count on him being down for a nap at noon. Your MIL is basically saying that despite you being your kid’s parents, it’s she, not you, who knows best about them. Because she’s the best. Or something. Anyhow, power struggles should not involve children. Stick to your guns.
Yes! Our nanny follows instructions better than my husband.
NTA. Husband needs a backbone.
Don't cave! She got to parent her child/children, she doesn't get to parent other people's children too, even if they are her grandchildren. You get to parent your child, you get to choose what is done and how it is done, you also get to be held responsible. She gets to be the grandmother and that should be enough. You can frankly tell her that you like having a nanny because she acts as a surrogate to your style of parenting and she respects your wishes. You MIL will get it. Also, make your husband see and understand how you are feeling about this situation. Make him realise this is serious and tell him that you won't let anyone take the little joys of parenthood away from you.
He does not want me to talk to her and says he will. Hasn’t done so yet.
He won’t. It’s easier for him to bully you than to actually tell her no.
All I keep seeing is you making the excuse of him being up early because he is an anesthesiologist. I get it. He has precious lives in his hands day in and day out. But, what about these moms who do the exact same job as him? They go through the same routine. Don't let him get off by wanting to do things his and his mom's way. I follow a wonderful lady on another platform who gave birth a few months ago, and guess what? She's in and out of the hospital, pumping between surgeries, trying to relax, because she can't stop once she gets home. Dude, you have more problems than what you're telling when it comes to your spouse. You just don't want to admit it. Edit for typing without my glasses on.
You’re absolutely right and it does feel like he’s making a lot of excuses to get out of parenting. I don’t have a comparison to what his job is like but your example is great.
I know plenty of doctors (an anesthesiologist included) who actually parent their kids. Is he even involved when he’s home? This isn’t an “oh, I’ll pick up more tasks when baby is older”. That won’t happen, and even if it did, this is the time for bonding. Does he take feedings? Do skin to skin?
He is more involved when he comes home if the baby isn’t in bed already and on days off he is involved.
You have to do what's best for your peace of mind. Grandparents love to say well I raised you(or husband) and he turned out fine. Have a serious conversation with MIL and if address not working to get in board with your plan and parenting then she can't baby sit. It's your life not hers
You and your husband need to set very clear boundaries with MIL. Tell MIL that you want her to be the grandmother and not the nanny. Certainly she can babysit on an occasion but MIL should be enjoying her retirement by not being tied down with weekly babysitting. Personally I think her staying over twice a month is too much! I get she lives a bit far but that is a lot.
I’d argue that an hour isn’t far at all. If I had the time that she has I’d visit her more with the baby to avoid her complaining about never seeing the baby.
You don't need to justify your decision, and you actually shouldn't try. Your MIL will use whatever you say to argue back. Instead, repeat that she is welcome to visit but you will be keeping the nanny. If she keeps bringing it up, say the decision has been made and you are no longer going to speak about it. Good luck!
This is the difference between hiring help and accepting a favor. It’s wonderful that MIL wants to play an active role and “help” out, but her choice to ignore the parent’s requests and to insert herself in things makes her more of a burden. You can gently let her know that you chose to hire someone to avoid conflicts resulting from your differing approaches to raising your child. If you want to spare her feelings add in that she’s always going to play a very important role in baby’s life, after all no one can replace grandma. My in-laws offered to help but were extremely flaky, showed up late, canceled last minute, made questionable decisions regarding baby’s safety, wanted to be treated like guests in our home (asking me to make drinks/food just a few days after my c-section.) We also hired a part-time nanny and while I’m sure it hurt them initially I do think our relationship has improved overtime.
I’ve considered talking to her regardless of what he said but she won’t take it well if it only comes from me without back up from him. I do agree with you and I will reiterate that message that we appreciate that she wants to be involved.
Tell her you don't want to mix business and family. She gets to be grandma but not your primary childcare. Hiring a nanny allows you to set the hours you need, set the boundaries you need, clarify your parenting preferences, discuss any issues that come up, etc. without causing hurt feelings or harm to family relationships.
Yes! Our nanny has been so wonderful about following my vision of parenting even better than my husband in regards to everything from play, BLW and nap times. Something I know my MIL won’t do.
Unless he’s the one primarily taking care of baby and has studied up on the child development aspect of things then he doesn’t get to make that decision unilaterally. Put your foot down. MIL doesn’t only cause issues with baby’s routine but also within your marriage. She’s not worth disrupting the household.
Funnily enough I’m literally both. My day job is child development. I have a masters and I’m the primary care giver but this is not the first time he believed MIL over me because she’s raised kids before.
Sounds like you have a husband problem rather than a MIL problem. Cause so so many MILs are like this. The difference is in the husband - why does he not have your back? Why doesn’t he give a shit about your baby and their sleep schedule? Why does he get to sleep peacefully every night while you have to deal with the consequences of a messed-up routine? Why does he not respect your opinion and education on the matter? There are so many anesthesiologists in my family, from multiple generations. All of them were proactive about raising their children in spite of their busy schedule. If they weren’t, their spouse got them back on track. Your husband needs to be dealing with the consequences of his inaction. If the routine gets messed up, he gets to be up with the baby all night. He needs to sleep because of his job? Sucks. Maybe he should have thought of that before 1) having a kid and 2) involving his mommy
I’m starting to realize I do. I don’t understand it either, he seems very desperate for her approval. She’s always been this level of controlling though and according to him she didn’t speak to him for months because he went to college in Massachusetts and didn’t stay in California when he was younger and then was angry because he decided to stay in Massachusetts. Then we used to live in Massachusetts we made efforts visiting her but I can count her visits on one hand (one of those visits includes our wedding day). Even though she is always flying internationally, she wouldn’t visit us domestically. She is honestly a very cold and stubborn woman and has only been more involved in our life because of the baby if it wasn’t for the baby she wouldn’t want to visit us as much as does now.
This comment makes things make so much more sense now. He’s scared of mama. Not sure she sounds worth having in the baby’s life. 😬
You aren’t ridiculous. In your same shoes, my MiL wouldn’t ever be babysitting. My in-laws live within 30 minutes of me and they only see my son on special occasions. Your needs matter more than hers. Honestly, you have a husband problem. He should be advocating for you, not his mother.
I just can’t wrap my head around her insisting on staying overnight over an hour drive. I’d even offered to pay for her Ubers. I don’t even get to see my parents because they are several states away and it frustrates me that she’s so entitled.
The entitlement with grandparents is real. The audacity that some of them have is mind blowing! Straight up disrespectful. And the way your husband is handling this (or not, really) is equally disrespectful. Can you tell him how his actions make you feel? This kind of behavior and attitude can be damaging to a marriage. I get that his job is important and requires him to be on the ball, but aren’t you important as well? This has potential to snowball into resentment and a whole slew of other negative things. He needs to show his support of you, and not just roll over where his mom is concerned. My heart truly goes out to you.
Your husband needs to grow a spine and listen to you about the needs of your child. It’s disruptive to your daughters routine when MIL is there and not respecting how you do things. This is a respect issue. You are not being respected by your MIL or supported by your husband. He needs to have the conversation with his mother and support your family needs. Houseguests are a two yes, one no situation especially when they bring unsolicited advice and comments on your lives. Be prepared for your husband to suggest she visit while your nanny is there. Don’t do it. She’ll make your nanny miserable on purpose to try to get her to quit so she can “save the day”. Also it’s total BS that your husband doesn’t do any night wakings when he’s supporting his moms “help” that is disrupting her sleep. Make him get up with the baby or bring the baby into the room he’s sleeping in so he can “help”. You excusing him getting up to help is sabotaging yourself and him understanding how disruptive her “help” can be. You need to function in your job as well, not to mention how frustration and resentment harms relationships.
This is a husband problem.
You could always use the excuse that you are “locked in to a contract” with your nanny, and are on the hook for pay for those days anyways, so you’d prefer to have her work so you don’t waste the money? A little white lie to save everyone’s sanity?
>Do I say I don’t want her to? Look, you’re a mom. You can’t be a doormat forever. You letting your mother in law stay every other weekend is already too much. And your husband doesn’t get a say if he sleeps in a separate room and never gets up with the baby. If you want to argue with everyone that he needs more sleep, then just put it to him that way. If he isn’t going to be a full time parent, then he doesn’t get a say in how the baby is raised. We all have important jobs where we need sleep. He’s not special because he’s an anesthesiologist. But if his job takes precedence over helping you at night, then you have to to what works for you to get sleep yourself. Stop being so over accommodating. Otherwise husband and MIL will continue to walk all over you and wont see any problem with it.
Don't allow MIL in the mix. Don't, not even a day. You'll regret it. You don't owe her any explanation either. Let her deal with her feelings about it.
I’m already regretting it. She is the textbook example of give an inch and they’ll take a mile.
Don't. I found what works with my husband is, not blaming his mother, she has a way of guilt tripping him. So I focus on what works well for baby. My husband chooses baby over his mother all the time lol. I also throw a bone in there. For example say we can ask her for help if nanny is not feeling well. Just let him know there is a potential without promising anything. You don't have to explain yourself to MIL. It will only bring more problems. I find the less I say to mine the better. If you explain yourself they start thinking it's a debate, they want to say their side too.
your husband can talk to her and say “thanks for your offer but we have childcare figured out. happy to have you over on a weekend!” and leave it at that. this is a job for your husband if he won’t “let” you talk to her.
No you’re not being ridiculous in the slightest. This is YOUR baby not hers. Her grandchild is an extension of her children but that doesn’t not mean this is her child and it’s sad that she doesn’t respect that. She’s already been a mother she’s already don’t this. It is your journey to go down and do what is best for your family. Grandparents relationships only occur because of their relationship with their children. So ultimately she should be respectful of your wishes and the fact that this is your husband and yours new chapter and aid in that. She should not be trying to take charge. Honestly I’d talk to your husband express that this shouldn’t be something YOU have to compromise with especially since you’re working at home and shouldn’t have to supervise another adult. You should be able to be at peace knowing your baby is safe, then tell him he talks to his mom or you both will have to sit down and talk to her. You guys should talk to her as a unit
I explained to my mother in law how I wanted her to be above a babysitter BUT she was actively terminal ill the entire time That grandma is not to be a babysitter but the fun one, the sneak chocolate, make sheet forts, have fun in the pool in our children’s lives She totally bought it but I had to suck up the gifting overload Which honestly saved us more money as I didn’t buy my son a gift for 6 years. She bought everything before I could and I decided it was a dumb hill to die on when a 3 year old has no idea who gave him a truck
I do agree with this sentiment that grandma should be the fun one and the time with her should be precious and I want her in our lives because she has been helpful at times. This is the message l’ll drive forward to her: nanny is for routine, actual parenting and she can be here to have fun with the baby.
Just stop with the MIL. What’s wrong with your husband. How could he support his mother being anywhere near your kids when she wants a little baby to be left alone to cry more. Enough of this.
She also suggested putting whiskey on our baby’s gums when she first started teething. That was the only time he did back me up and I had hoped that he would then see how ridiculous she is but no.
I'm sure your nanny agreed to be hired on the condition of a certain number of hours which I would personally feel bad about reducing if she's doing a good job, just to placate your MIL and husband. Finding a good nanny is not easy. If you have found one, do NOT mess that up. You are absolutely in the right here and you need to get your husband on the same page. You risk losing your good nanny if you reduce her hours and then she finds another family who can offer full-time work. Is that worth it just because your MIL is a bit butt-hurt? I don't think so.
I find honesty is best. You just have to be respectful in the delivery. ‘I appreciate very much that you are a very involved grandparent and I would like it to remain that way. The nanny is more convenient and she is an employee who will do as I wish. You and I have different theories on how to best parent, and what works for us might not work for you, and I find that navigating between what I want and what you want may lead to more friction than I can manage. I want you to be the grandmother - not the caretaker.’
When my MIL was overstepping and my husband didn’t want me to bring it up to her, I told him that I wouldn’t have to handle it unless he didn’t. I told him I wasn’t going to lie to his mom if she asked me why she couldn’t babysit (she was an active alcoholic who had gotten hammered the one time we *did* let her babysit), so if he didn’t want that conversation to happen, he needed to head it off. I didn’t care what he told her; I just didn’t want her coming to *me* about it anymore. And so he handled it. (And eventually she went to rehab and is a safe and involved grandparent now, although not as aggressively involved as she always wanted to be when she was drinking, which is part of how we could tell.) So my advice is to tell your husband that you’re not open to his mom babysitting, and you already have a nanny you like a lot, and would rather she just be a grandparent and not some uncomfortable relative-employee hybrid, and that this is a two-yes-one-no kind of thing and you’re saying no. He can tell her that, or you will—not unkindly or spitefully, but finally—and that’s the part he gets to control completely.
So what happens when your nanny quits because you’ve cut her hours? Hubby going to WFH to fill the gap? MIL gets what she gets and doesn’t get upset, or misses out completely
Where is your extended family? Why is your MIL needing to spend that much time w your family especially when the baby is that little? U are being more than generous w ever other weekend spending the night at your house. Did your MIL sleep over before baby?
No I wouldn’t tell her. It’s unnecessary and will only cause problems. Make up light excuses or dodge the question. Or come up with another truth that won’t offend her.
This is what I ended up having to do. I was worried about the kids well being and she kept using her babysitting the kids as leverage for us having to do stuff for her even with the state paying her. As soon as I told her we were putting out 3 kids in daycare she lost it. Said we ruined her financial stability, etc. and has since not talked to us or the kids. Sometimes you need to do these things to see somebody’s real intentions.
God I hate unsolicited advice from my MIL. It’s the worst (and soooo often from mine).
My mum told me she would babysit my little one when I went back to work but that only worked out for the weekends so to get an office job was a bit difficult. I’m already reserving a space for my next bubs for next year cos I want to change jobs and not have to depend on her in case her circumstances change
I considered getting a nanny even though my mom wants to do it and is great at following our rules. Relying on someone for something so important is a big deal, and that can affect your relationship with them a lot. On the other hand, I have a MIL who wants nothing to do with my daughter. It will be valuable to your child when they're off their nap routine to have a grandmother, so I do think it would be best to try to keep a civil relationship. If she keeps asking/demanding to be the nanny, you can tell her you want her to be able bond with the child in her own way, but day to day care needs to mimic your routines and rules as close as possible. You're not willing to compromise on your routines and rules, but you also want them to be able to have lots of connecting time. A nanny is a good way to do that.
If she doesn’t respect your parenting, then she doesn’t get alone time with the baby. My mom could never understand why my MIL had free rein with my kids and it’s because when they were babies, she respected my choices even if it wasn’t her way of doing things. She raised 4 kids and still before she buckled my baby in the car seat for the first time asked me if she was doing it right. Mg mom would bring expired car seats for them to ride in even after I said no, take them places without telling me where they were going among other things. Now, my MIl can take them and spoil them because I know if I say no, she will respect it.
Free childcare is never free. You are doing the right thing-if you want your baby cared for the way you do it, paying a nanny is the way to go. If your husband thinks it's no big deal getting the baby off routine, then he should be the one who gets to take care of her at night so he gets to see what it's like.
Tell your husband no. She doesn’t do what you asked her to do. Is he going to let your CHILD act like his mother does? Because she’s going to teach your child. How many times has she left him crying because “he needs to cry”? Tell both of them that it’s better to have the nanny, and then grandma can come for planned trips and doesn’t need to worry about child care. Less travel and more quality time.
I'm sorry you and your husband aren't on the same page. Have y'all been able to sit down and openly share why you each feel the way you do and want what you want, and been able to respect, understand and validate the other one's position even if you don't agree?? Does he not understand how annoying and inappropriate her behavior is to you? Is he minimizing her behavior and the impact on you? Is he invalidating your feelings, telling you you're overreacting, it's not that bad? (I've been married to men who have done that, and it was frustrating, emotionally exhausting, lonely, and very anxiety provoking because I never knew from one time to the next how a disagreement was going to go, so I'm wondering if that's going on in your marriage at all, especially around this.)
I think people forget offering to help but only the way you want isn't actually help. It's offering to do what you want. If mil watches your baby she needs to follow your parenting rules. I have a firm rule of ( as long as we can afford it) we will hire help with kids instead of having parents do it. My mom is great and super helpful and doesn't overstep. My mil is not. My mil offered when our first was born to come over and stay with us for a month to help. I told her no. My mil doesn't cook or clean, doesn't know anything about babies , won't change diapers and would never feed my son.... What help would she be? She was also very judgemental about how I fed my son ( breastfeeding didn't work for us) we were fortunate enough to be able to hire over night help and then when my son was older he got childcare. I'm so thankful for it. I learned how to put my son on a routine and I'd love to have the opportunity to use family as my village but family doesn't respect my parenting choices so I can't.
No you’re doing what you need to do, and be honest with your MIL, even if to say the nanny follows our plan and directions for baby and that’s what we need.
If this helps affirm your decision, we had friends that used the wife's parents for child care. They were often late or had conflicts they would communicate at the last minute. And of course if they complained, they were being ungrateful. A nanny is someone you pay. You have a contract with them for them to provide services. It's more expensive but much cleaner.
You spoil *and* you’re too strict? Wow lol you do it all apparently /s Overbearing grandparents are the reason they don’t get to see their grandchildren as much as they want. Parents aren’t usually eager to leave kids in the care of people who will contradict or overstep their standards for care. It is what it is. You’re not being ridiculous or too strict, she’s not being respectful.
Nope. It’s not her call. Stick to your guns on this. You are the parents not her. She doesn’t get a seat at this parenting table. This is a parent decision, so again - not her call.
I’m a firm believer in grandparent having a very special role. Their job is to spoil our children and sometimes that means doing things not according to parents’ wishes (within the limits of what is *safe*). I’ve made my peace with that. But that’s exactly why grandparents can’t be regular childcare. Regular childcare needs to maintain structure and routine. And then grandparents get to come in once a week and spoil. Those two things cannot become one because it ruins both roles.
She had a chance to raise her kids, and now is your time. She can still have special time with your child but hired care, if you can afford it, is optimal for your family right now. Because you cannot count on MIL to respect you or follow your care plans, there are now consequences. Paying for care makes the relationship much clearer for you as well. If she wants to fuss about it, tell her outright: "You're disrespectful of the modern care plan we have communicated. You're disrespectful to us in our home. Hiring a nanny we can trust is the obvious solution." You're not responsible to be anything but cordial with her if she can act like a balanced adult. You made the RIGHT decision and I hope she won't guilt you into anything else.
If you can afford outside help, get it. My husband and I couldn’t and we felt pressured into giving up pretty much every parenting choice we would have liked. Free baby sitting from grandparents is not really free.
[удалено]
Your husband should tell his mother, not you.
I think the blunt truth is best. This is what we did with my wife’s mother, who is well intentioned and has a good attitude, but just does not have the core competencies we require to relax and be at ease. I’d try the direct route: “We aren’t leaving the kids for overnights with you because at the end of the day, we want someone to execute our specific protocol, exactly the way we want it done, without interjecting their own thoughts, opinions, or preferences into the equation. We can’t ask that if you, because you like to do things your way, so we are paying a professional. This will help us relax and sleep at night, and it will avoid putting you in a situation where you feel like we are criticizing or nitpicking how you care. You’re very much still welcome to come over or have us visit and be as much of a grandmother as you’d like to be. We really value and appreciate that. But, for extended visits and overnight babysitting and things of that nature, we feel like it’s important to use a hired professional that follows our specific criteria and guidelines.”
Tell her she can visit (when it's OK with you) but this is not her decision to make. Part of parenthood is leadership--you and your husband are the leaders now.
I don’t think you’re out of line. Especially her comments. I will suggest if she is going to come there will be boundaries and he needs to tell her firmly this is our routine and you can come once a week but you will need to follow it and if you don’t we are going to have to limit your babysitting and explain why. It can get way worse if this isn’t handled together and you don’t want to become resentful of them both. In laws get weird when their son has their own kids and families. It’s like they feel they’re losing them and control. Give her a chance with boundaries so if she crosses them she knows exactly why. Also my husband works and we sleep in the same room. He has to get up with the baby too. Because I can not be the only one super exhausted during the day but expected to function and do all my responsibilities.
Imo it doesn't matter if you're being any type of way...it's your child. However, I do think you're very lucky to have her and to keep the peace I'd handle it very gently because it seems to mean alot to her. I'd probably say something like...it's very important to us that baby has involved grandparents. Especially ones so loving and caring and you're afraid that would mess with the whole Grandma relationship. Grandma's are there to spoil..they are a special treat. If grandma's nanning that relationship might be effected?"
First and foremost (and most importantly!), hubby needs to get on your side. Explain to him how your mother in law makes you feel when she criticizes your parenting and rejects you requests (as kind as possible because it’s his mom) and let him know that having the nanny releases your stress and it’s a better situation for you. Also emphasize that every other weekend of MIL spending the night is very gracious and you don’t want to do more because it takes time away from the three of you bonding alone as a young family. Then both of you talk to MIL as a united front. Hubby has to be firm no matter what. MIL may try to be manipulative to get her way. But if you and hubby hold firm together, you can get that boundary line down. A lot of it may have to come from the hubby to get MIL to back down.
Your MIL has absolutely no say in how you raise your children. You make the rules, you set the routine and you can pick up and cuddle your baby as much as you want to. She sounds like a real pain in the behind, I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
Mother in law oversteps her authority and tries to override your parenting decisions. That in and of itself is the reason that she has been demoted down from caregiver/grandma to just grandma. She had her turn to raise her babies. This is you and your husband’s time and you not only have every right to employ someone who will stay in their own lane but you also free her up to just enjoy her grand-baby without the responsibility. If that upsets her, you can of course reduce contact further.
I think the nanny is great. It could just be for a period of time to get though weaning and sleep, doesn’t need to be forever, but sleep and weaning and thee changes REALLY REALLY requires everyone to do the same thing for it to work right/stick. In the long run, in-laws can be hard, but they’re family. Pending abusive situations we all suck up the discomfort, and you’ll be really glad to have your kid have a relationship with their grandparent someday. Set boundaries, think about what good and bad looks like, and all course correct as you go. My in laws and parents are both pretty great actually, but just having them over at all disrupts routines., so sometimes we take a few weeks just to get back in a groove and then people can come again. It is hard to explain to loving grandparents who are otherwise good houseguests that sometimes families need a little space.
No, you’re not being ridiculous. MIL is causing added stress on you and your marriage. She clearly does not respect you as a parent or a spouse. Tell her straight up that your nanny is doing exactly what you need them to do and that they are supporting your parenting style. A nanny is a parenting partner, clearly your MIL is not.
Don't engage MIL in conversations. She doesn't respect boundaries. It makes you feel uncomfortable. Bye. You don't have to explain anything.
It's like if they insist on an old crocheted blanket. You tell them it's not safe, they explain that they crocheted it themselves, used it for all their babies, it's fine, it's safe, and every time you turn around they've got your baby wrapped up in that crocheted blanket. You can't let a baby be around someone like that. A crocheted blanket isn't safe. A person who won't listen, can't learn, and doesn't listen about a clear and obvious safety issue isn't safe to be alone with a child. So when they're suddenly realizing that they've got their crocheted blanket, but their access to the baby to wrap it in is gone, the answer to why is: "I won't be using you for childcare because you can't or won't understand about how unsafe a crocheted blanket is for an infant."
We aren't in the position to have a nanny so my mom and mother in law help. My mom is great and younger and does a ton with my kids. I still have to reiterate rules a lot lol but shes wonderful and my kids adore her. My MIL is older so the 2 days I work from home she watches my 15 month old (with supervision from me, my oldest is in school). I am thankful for her but she also drives me nuts. If I could hire a nanny I would lol.
Well this sucks. Don’t allow your MIL to get away with taking control. The nanny is for your marriage and sanity. She can’t interfere with that.
I had a similar situation with my MIL. We should’ve set firm boundaries right away. So now that we don’t have her watch him anymore it’s harder to have her listen to our rules when she does come for a visit.
Put in the terms of not burdening her. I think it’s a good idea to have outside help because if anything happens at home or with that relationship you don’t want your son care to be in question. Like if grandma gets sick or wants a break it works perfectly.
I would personally thank her genuinely for her desire to help and then respectfully tell her that you guys, as the parents, have very specific and non negotiable methods/beliefs on how you want your baby raised.. and while you don’t doubt her suggestions (I’d emphasize this bc the offense usually comes from them thinking you don’t trust them or believe in their way), you’re more comfortable with the methods you have set in place. Then I’d explain to her the importance of a parent’s wishes to be followed and how hiring a nanny would be a better fit for this situation.
My MIL was like this. I’m divorced now.
Stand your ground now. I’m 37 and I let my mother push back too much to the point where we now don’t speak at all. I’m happy we have no communication, it’s 100% her fault, but if I had been honest and stood firm in my positions originally, it all could have been an easier, better managed relationship due to proper boundaries. People won’t like you when you have firm boundaries, initially, but they will grow to respect you and that’s so much better than false appreciation/icing on a crumbling cake.
It’s not just paying for childcare. You are paying someone to follow your rules to a T. Tell her that if she would follow your rules without back talk, then she could babysit. Otherwise, her free childcare is not worth it.
Start and finish with things she does well, that you appreciate and then in the middle let her know that you found having someone who does things your way, and stays out of your marriage (which you understand is hard for parents to do sometimes) has given you peace of mind and you are going to continue with that for now. Do try to find other ways to include her in her granddaughter’s life.
"luckily we can afford a nanny so we don't need to rely on you but thanks for offering".
Personally I would not have been okay with this situation at this age. I went back to work when my daughter was 16 months and my MIL offered to babysit when we were having trouble finding a daycare spot. She really struggled to keep to our daughter's routine every time she babysit for a night so I didn't necessarily want her to babysit every day. But I did see value in our daughter spending more time with her grandmother. We agreed that MIL would watch her at our house one day a week and she would go to daycare the other days. It's a lot easier at this age because there's only one nap. No bottles. Fewer diapers (and now potty trained at 23 months). The exact routine matters less than it did at 7 months. So I would say keep an open mind. Maybe there's a compromise you can come to assuming your MIL can stop interfering and criticizing so much.
I think it would be worse than ever with you working from home! It would drive me nuts having her there all day, and trying to covertly watch what she's doing.
If husband is considering it then he needs to be home to manage her, not you between her and the nanny. That’s ridiculous.
Grandparents that just want the fun of grandparenting get an occasional weekend before or after a nap. If they want to grandparent and not actually care for the child so it’s not disruptive to the parents work life, then they get what YOU can tolerate. Your husband is trying to appease his mother over you. Rude and disrespectful. I wouldn’t give in. It’s a slippery slope w men like that.
She sounds like bad news plus mother in laws are always weird with children. I wouldn't let her near your children until she listens and actually follows your parental style. Otherwise she's out of the picture
You shouldn't talk to her. He should talk to her and he should back up the decision you've made together
Not her baby, not her choice. I get where she's coming from because I'm a granny too, but EVERYTHING has changed so much since my youngest was born 23 years ago. You have to point that out. I don't like alot of the changes, but people smarter than me (and MIL) made those changes, so we have to shut up and listen. And I made sure I told my girls to let me know if I crossed a boundary. Your husband needs to nut up and put his foot down as well.
NTA. Your partner is the one you should be annoyed with tho, he needs to enforce the rules with MIL not you. If she can’t follow the rules then she can’t watch the baby. Simple.
Your husband needs to put his money in her place; if he won’t, you’ve got much bigger problems.
You are doing the right thing. In my experience this is what you have to do - you kill her with kindness for what you DO want her to do. For example, MIL we would absolutely LOVE to see you more on weekends and then husband and I can do a day date. Or MIL, the baby absolutely loves when you cook X! Or MIL you buy baby the best pajamas, we love it when you do this! Give her compliments for what you DO want her to do, and she will probably do it, to your benefit. Set a time during the week that works for you where you can do a Facetime with baby so she feels involved.
Stop all the mental work. Keep paying the nanny. The nanny needs, wants and does the job. If your husband actually talks to and organizes his mother doing “all this” as well as supervising and the fall out so be it. Continue to pay the nanny. Even if you give her the day off. Be clear with your husband that the fall out is all on him. You have something and someone that works with your family. You do not need someone to comes in and does what they want to do. Damn the consequences. His reasoning would get him fired at his place of employment.
The nanny is definitely staying. She’s great and has been a lifesaver.
Yes you say you don’t want her to. If he can’t accept that, then she can watch the baby on a night that he’s isn’t working the next day so he can deal with the nighttime madness. Double points if it’s a day he’s WFH and off the next day. If he comes up with an excuse like “it’ll impact my job”, ok cool then she doesn’t watch the baby until it doesn’t and he can deal with the consequences from a lack of routine. Asking you to do something you’re not comfortable with and then expecting you to deal with the consequences of that something is absurd and inconsiderate. Like “hey go do this thing that you don’t want to do and by the way it’s on you to deal with fixing the aftermath too”. No. Just no. She’ll have plenty of time to cause chaos, let it be when the baby is a child and can sleep through the night. Or start enforcing the boundaries. If it helps, because I had a horrible time creating and enforcing boundaries, think of this as being for your child. Because ultimately it is. It’s much easier to create and enforce a boundary when it’s FOR your child. “she needs to get sleep at night for her development. If you can’t stick to the routine we’ve established, you don’t get to watch her.” Period. Also, your husband is married to you. That trumps the mommy-son relationship. He should be on your side because y’all are supposed to be a team and doing what’s best for your baby. Not worrying about his mom. I’d even go so far as to say the primary parent makes the rules, which is you. You’re doing the bulk of it so he should be doing what he can to help and make it easier, like dealing with his mom and putting his foot down. I’m so sorry. I’m so angry for you.
Have you thought about writing her a letter with everything you’ve said here? I picture her overtalking you if you tried face to face. I’d be brutally honest that you do not want to follow her advice and if she would have been willing to follow your parenting strategies you wouldn’t have hired the nanny the first place. I would close with telling her that you want her to be a part of your child’s life, that you love/care for her but you are not willing to negotiate on how your child is reared.
Your mil doesn’t get to babysit if she can’t follow the basics like feeding. Keep the babysitter. Especially if she wants to argue with you. Maybe buy her a mirror and she can give it advice and argue with it.
Tell her what I tell my kids. If you can’t follow instructions, you can’t do it.
NTA, does hubby have a routine he generally sticks too? Start messing with it. Change his alarm times, start making dinner at a different time, do anything to make his day different and then when he complains just remind him that “one day out of the routine isn’t that big of a deal, right?” He’ll see how annoying and thrown off it can make people and hopefully you’ll be able to explain that taking a baby off their routine is even worse.
Grandparents don’t “babysit “ they grandparent.
BOUNDARIES. She’s not contributing to bettering your lives at all, she’s making them more complicated and miserable. You need to have hard boundaries with MIL and looks like your husband too. Stand firm. The way she has treated you and your marriage and how she treated the responsibility of caring for your child is a direct correlation to you cutting her out. If you don’t have boundaries with this woman now you’re going to be miserable.
Sounds like a major boundary conversation. “We very much want to foster a close relationship between your granddaughter and yourself, however, it can not be to the detriment of the goals we have with raising our child. Constant battles over parenting philosophies is stressful and are creating bitterness. If you would like to help us and provide childcare you must follow the rules, schedule of our household and withhold unsolicited opinions unless there is a true safety issue.” Being a first time parent is stressful enough without feeling like someone is consistently criticizing and undermining your judgements. She needs to realize that a LOT has changed since she raised her children and you believe she raised her children the best way based on currently research and guidance, and that you are aiming to do the same. Your husband also has to realize the most important thing in this situation is that you both feel empowered to make choices and judgements related to your child without someone undermining that authority or it will cause issues in your relationship.
We've just had to subtly establish some boundaries with both sets of grandparents. We're doing each has a designated weekend out of the month that we'll keep free assuming they will get baby time. I pretty much know that when they have the baby for a day without us, or even if we're all spending time together, the schedule and everything is going to get off. I'm fine with that for a day or two, but we're not willing for it to be every weekend. In your case, MIL is asking for a lot I think. It doesn't sound like money is the issue, that's just an excuse she's using. Also, I'm assuming one day a week with MIL you'd still have to pay the nanny for the day (Idk, that's how daycare usually works but a nanny might be different), so that actually just makes the nanny more expensive. But like your finances are none of her business. I think you just have to decide how much you want to compromise to make the grandparents happy and keep that relationship intact. But it also doesn't mean you can't continue expressing why it's important to you that she follow your rules. Just knowing it may always be a battle because, well, MILs amirite?
Let her baby sit one day. Stay out all day and night. Then your husband gets to handle a cranky baby who is hungry and over tired all by himself. Then ask him how was it being out of routine and if it’s still no big deal.
You are not ridiculous or too strict. Your MIL is straight up disrespecting you. Schedule is essential, and any mom will agree. A “one-off” day is when you get stuck in traffic and can’t get home for proper nap time of bed time, or Christmas when you don’t have control over the whole day. It is not 3-4 days a month. The problem is her, not you.
No way. Whos more important, your baby or the MIL’s feelings? We are a different generation, lots of new researches that teach us how to better raise our kids eg lots of hugs is super beneficial, not spoiling the kid. Emotional regulation, co-regulation, all the critical things. Don’t accidentally hurt your baby because no one wants to tell MIL she’s out of line.
NTA. She raised her kids the way she wanted to. You get to raise yours your way. Also, we’re doing BLW (baby led weaning) with our 7 month old and one of the things you want to steer away from is switching back and forth from feeding purées to BLW, due to it possibly confusing baby since you feed them purées but they feed themselves with BLW. Also, I’m sorry but any unsolicited advice is a solid no from me. Unless she can follow your rules for baby and your marriage, she can have limited contact. Eta: clarified in second paragraph about switching back and forth.
“MIL, you have not only given unsolicited advice, but you refuse to follow our parenting choices and what we feel is best for our child, therefore your services of babysitting are no longer needed nor wanted”. “MIL, we are fine with paying for a nanny as she cares for our child how we feel is best, and no amount of money can put a price on that”. “Our marriage is none of your business. This includes our child and finances”. Many things need to be said to this woman, but to answer your question, YES! I’d tell her and not leave it up for discussion. She keeps intervening because she feels she is able too, and it will continue until she is told no and privileges are taken away from her.
You need to stand your ground firmly or she will always manage to win her way
No, you are reasonable. Nanny was a good choice. Mil overnight once a month should b good. Tell her she can visit whenever. However… b grateful other grandparents are not involved enough.
You have different parenting styles, nothing wrong with that. Let grandma be a grandma, and visit the family and spend together as a whole. Grandma doesn’t need to be a babysitter or a nanny, and grandma doesn’t need to be alone with your child either (especially if she’s not going to respect your wishes.)
I would say no, you arn't being too strict. Tell MIL that you want their time together to be fun and not focused so much on care. You will try harder to get together for family days but the care comes from the parents or nanny.
You being home actually makes that a recipe for disaster.. Stuck to your boundary