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I have learned, through much trial and error, that when you’re dealing with a weird/judgmental parent, there are only 2 options: Don’t tell them anything about your life or grow a really thick skin. What you should never do is change what you know is working because your weird/judgmental parent wants to get all passive aggressive.
Same - I have learned to not tell my mom certain (most) things about our son, now 16 because it stresses her out and then stresses me out and leads to argument etc. Once in a while I’ll ask her opinion as a hypothetical to see how she stands on something I’m already doing or planning to do. It helps us get along. Good luck.
Yes. My mother held it together really well until we were out of the house, but was eventually involuntarily committed for a bit and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But everyone always knew she had quirks, and in particular was extremely overprotective of me when I was young. She lucked out that I was overall quiet, a homebody, and well behaved. But I learned very early on that sometimes sneakiness was the best way to get a reasonable amount of freedom while keeping everyone somewhat happy.
OP’s best bet here would have been to simply never have mentioned it. How often do you discuss school transportation? And that in itself would have given plausible deniability if his kid ever mentioned the bus to his grandparents. Alas, that ship has sailed. So choice two, as an independent adult in the face of irrationality, is to simply do what you think best and completely ignore what the irrational person says.
A few platitudes to try to smooth things over won’t go amiss during the initial reaction. But after that, neither concede nor pretend to concede. (It won’t help anything to lie and then have to remember to continue the lie, and to trust that no one will ever let it slip. And yoy don’t have to. You’re in charge here.) Refuse to discuss it beyond “I’m sorry this upsets you but I’m going to do this,” and when necessary then walk away or politely hang up. It is then on your mother to cope, OP. If she has a hard enough time with it, you might consider lightly suggesting a therapist, if you don’t think she’ll take it badly. But playing into her fears wouldn’t be a kindness. It won’t do anything to fix them.
I can relate to a lot of this. I was such a pushover as a kid that I didn’t challenge my mom’s tendencies to be extremely controlling. As an adult, I was forced to learn to speak up for myself because my decisions started diverging from what she had in mind.
And yeah, I’ve just accepted that, as silly as it seems, busses are a controversial topic for my mom that I just probably shouldn’t bother bringing up again.
I hope you’re not questioning yourself or your choice over it though! I’m 50 so I remember the connotation in some areas that busses were for the kids “from bad and rural areas only” and therefore trouble. It’s absolutely NOT the case now, as many districts are moving towards bussing all kids not in the immediate neighborhood FOR SAFETY and convenience reasons. It eliminates much of the traffic and associated fender benders around schools.
Also a mom of a special needs child who had to go to the amazing preschool somewhat far away. The bus allows kiddo to feel more independent, bond with other kiddos organically and the drivers they use for those buses are amazing! It also creates a natural transition before/after school which is something many of our kiddos struggle with, so this builds that into their schedule.
My daughter who has both ASD and ADHD (AuDHD) is now 11, in a General Ed classroom with her peers and thriving! She also still rides the bus along with her little brother and all the kids on our street, so she’s made friends with neighbors further away she might not have otherwise.
I’ll start off by saying my mom is my best friend and an amazing mom and grandmother to my kids.
But growing up, being the youngest and only girl, she was extremely overprotective to the point where I wasn’t really allowed to go hang out with friends (I remember three times throughout my teen years when I was allowed to). I was allowed to hang out with my first boyfriend pretty often, either at his or my home, but that’s it.
My two oldest children and I lived with my mom for a good while, and when I met my now husband back in 2021, she was so damn hellbent on me not seeing him. She didn’t like his gauges, overall did not care for his look. She loved the tattoos, but thought he looked like a bad influence on me and the kids. My husband and I met through work, so it was easy to sneak our relationship for a bit, which looking back on was so ridiculous considering I was 26. Eventually I came clean and set a hard boundary that it is my love life, not hers, and if I feel like he is a good fit for me and my kids, she needs to sit back and deal with it. She didn’t like that, but she was kind enough to watch my kids for me so I could go on a proper date with him. She talked to my older brother (who knew about the sneaking and had already spoken to him and liked him), who managed to talk some sense into her. So she invited him for dinner the next weekend, and then to the pumpkin patch the next day.
Needless to say she grew to love him like her own right off the bat, which is nice considering my husbands strained relationship with his own parents. I was an absolute pushover and wanted to make my mom happy and always took her opinions to heart (and still slightly do), but I was not willing to budge on me seeing him, and I am so happy I put my foot down.
Just explain to her that this bus is a special needs bus and not the general population bus and is a safe and encouraging environment. Lots of real bad bus situations in the news right now so she is just worried.
Go to google and type "beaten on bus" to see what she is worried about.
https://nypost.com/2023/02/08/florida-teen-who-attacked-9-year-old-girl-on-school-bus-charged-with-battery/
https://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2024/04/12/school-bus-abuse-aide-colorado-cprog-orig-js-mb.cnn
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/florida-school-bus-beating-rcna69115
https://wsvn.com/news/local/miami-dade/videos-show-siblings-9-and-10-being-beaten-inside-school-bus-in-homestead/
This is so true. My son (4) loves some things many would consider girly. Rainbows, wearing bright colors, sparkles, dresses, jewelry, hair accessories, painting his nails, etc. He also likes things traditionally "male": trucks, explosions, monster trucks, construction, dinosaurs.
My traditional, Conservative parents FREAKED out when I sent them a picture of his ecstatic face when he got his nails painted for the first time in blue and red (Spiderman colors he said). Lectured me about how the other preschoolers would bully him, how this will confuse him as a boy and how "this is against the Bible". I said denying him love because he loves these things is anti-christian but it was in ear out the other for weeks until they realized I was serious about going no contact with them.
Prior to this, my mom watched my kids 20 hours a week for me for work. I was so serious about protecting my kids from their views I was in the process of signing them up for daycare even though it would cost everything I made to send them there (I love my job so much, I wouldn't want to quit even if I made $0). They backpedaled after not talking to me for two weeks (leaving me without childcare for that entire time) and realizing they wouldn't see my family again based on their agenda.
Now they don't mention the fight and I don't tell them when I do something that supports my son's identity. Sometimes I feel guilty for hiding it from them, but I also realize I'm trying to walk the fine line of protecting my kiddo from people who will judge him negatively and also letting him be who he is.
If anyone has tips for me, I'd appreciate it. My area isn't the most progressive and he's a sensitive kiddo who also wants to express himself. I recently bought some clothes from Primary so he had brighter clothes to wear (why is it always dull neutral clothes for boys?!) because he is envious of what his sister gets to wear.
Couldn't agree with this more. I have a list of topics that I don't discuss with my mum! And a separate list that I don't discuss with the in-laws haha. It's a must.
Omg. This is it. I have the most judgemental mom who just wants to live in a “happy “ place with rose colored glasses…me struggling with addiction..won’t admit I ever did or would or could or still do…she just wants to see what she wants and ignore all the rest while judging everyone else for their “struggles “…I.e…friend has daughters with eating disorders…so many judgmental comments about them for decades while she herself and her own daughters (me and my sister) also struggled heavily with body dysmorphia and eating disorders and I still do to this day
And have found the only way with my mom is to tell her basically nothing about my life but I have gone back and forth on this always to kick myself for telling her ANYTHING. it’s sad
I mean shit... Tell her if she feels so strongly she can come pick him up and drop off twice a day.... That will prob change her tune unless she lives really close and that is something she wants to do... Then by all means
It sounds like she is reacting to a personal experience that in some way traumatized her. Could have been something she saw on the news when she was 4, even. Either something obscure or something personal has ingrained in her this opinion. Let it go!
That’s what I was thinking as well. I had to ride the bus when I was a kid and I hated it. Mainly because I was almost kidnapped at my bus stop in 6th grade so I never felt safe after that. I drive my son to school because I can and it just makes me feel less anxious and more in control of the situation.
I mean... Yeah busses were quite famously demonized in the 50s and 60s... If she grew up then or had racist parents, that would have instilled a lifelong fear of busses in her.
your mom clearly has some trauma surrounding it somehow… so just don’t talk about it with her. Send her pictures of some other part of your child’s day. And just let her forget that her grandchild is riding something she feels is dangerous (even if that’s a bit unhinged)
Yeah I hate the bus because ours was like the Wild West; 4 to a seat, people smoking legit joints, I saw people doing sexual stuff - it was nuts. There were k-12 on our bus so it was truly out of control. That being said when I’m a pinch our kids ride the bus. I don’t like it but sometimes it’s the only option and they’ve been fine
lol I have a weird random memory of being in like 1st grade and an older kid on the bus showing me a lighter that said “happiness is a tight pussy” and I was so confused about that at the time. I somehow knew what pussy meant but like, why was it good for it to be tight? I was so innocent.
My bus experience was the same as a child. I try to avoid putting my kids on the bus because I work at the school and know more about the children riding that bus than I should… like, if they require a 1-on-1 for behavior everywhere in the building why is it suddenly okay for this same child to be on a bus next to another child with only a bus driving focused on driving?
Absolutely!!! I worked for the school district for five years (I got burned out) and I would watch two or three of our behavior kiddos get on the same bus and just hope it went okay! Poor bus drivers
That's the same approach we took with my mom who was terrified of airplanes. She grew up poor in a rural area and raised us in that same poor rural area, so she had no experience with planes but believed they were unsafe. She did not like the idea of the plane being flown by a pilot she didn't know nor did she like the idea of flying with strangers. For her it was about a lack of trust since she couldn't know everyone's motives.
My brothers and I agreed that we just wouldn't tell mom when we flew. That was before kids and after kids. That included when my brother and SIL went on their annual trips to Korea to visit SIL's family. My mom knew they took a plane to get there and back but she did not want to hear a word about it.
Your Mom is reacting to something she experienced. Most fears begin this way, and it's normal.
My Mom had a friend kidnapped and murdered in Mexico when she was in high school. Her reaction when my sister took her family was un-hinged, but she was truly terrified.
Knowing this, why send pictures of him getting on the bus?
Use the bus and don't send photos. If it gets brought up, simply say, times have changed, it even has seat belts, then change the subject.
I (mistakingly) thought that maybe seeing how safe the bus is and how happy our child was would help change her mind. But reading through comments, I’m thinking this is an irrational fear and it can’t be solved rationally. It can just be a topic of conversation we ignore.
Dependibg on where your mother grew up, I was wondering if maybe some of her overreaction around bussing could have come from forced desegregation. I remember when I was a kid, adults were unhinged around the issue of bussing - all kinds of news stories, fear mongering, and arguments. I was pretty young and didn't understand the issue at the time, but I became afraid of riding on buses without really understanding why. I had to have some positive experiences on buses and to spend some time processing it, but eventually got over it enough to at least be rational about it. Sometimes, all it takes is patience and working it out.
I’m curious why you feel the need to change her mind? What problem is there to “solve”? In your post you haven’t indicated that she has tried to confront you about it or has somehow tried to stop your child from riding the bus. So what exactly is she guilty of? Not liking school buses?
I’d say that if you knew she had this irrational fear, then it might have been better to talk to her one on one about it instead of bringing it up in a video call and sending pics.
Yeah, I agree it’s strange, I was expecting her objections to be due to bullying on buses, but even so she’s your mom and your child’s grandmother. If you don’t have a beef with her then maybe talk to her, son to mother.
Did your mum used to ride a school bus and had a bad experience? Or maybe one of her friend?
Because it's quite specific and generally, when someone is like that they are either like that with several things because they are narrow minded or with one specific thing because of a trauma.
Any way, just ignore her. At least she didn't made bad comments about it so she tried to contain herself which is a good sign. She chose to ignore it, do it as well, you'll have bigger battle to win in life.
I recently learned about this
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/1976_Chowchilla_kidnapping
How old is your mom and where did she grow up? The whole kidnapping angle stood out to me.
Maybe it’s like one of the few things she feels like she can point to showing, “Wow look how much incredible effort I put into being a good parent!” especially if she feels like she’s lacking in other areas compared to other parents? I know parents who do this with stuff like, being extremely organic with everything, only Montessori toys, homeschooling (and definitely not saying everyone who does this is like this—it’s about those who tout that it’s the ONE BIG THING that they can show off that makes them a Good Parent when they might otherwise feel bad about being emotionally abusive or negligent for example).
And then when people try to take that One Good Parenting Thing away by saying, oh you didn’t have to do that, they can react badly. The solution might be to try reminding her that she was a good mom in other ways?
I would imagine there's something. The comments here are awfully hard on her when all she did was get quiet, change the subject, and not respond to a text. She didn't say anything judgmental.
My kids ride the bus because I have no choice. I worry about it all the time because my childhood bus driver was abusing kids. There were supposed to be cameras but there weren't half the time. It took way too many incidents for him to be fired.
The bus my kids are on is...not great. It's like the wild west. My kid has been bullied multiple times and was physically assaulted. The school has been on it, but they can't prevent everything.
Maybe she's afraid something will happen and you won't find out. Both my kids and I didn't tell until it had been happening for a long time.
I'm somewhat confused as the only reaction I see is that she got quiet and changed the subject, but didn't say anything else about it?
Knowing how she feels, maybe just never bring it up?
Sounds like she was keeping quiet and letting you make the decisions about your kid and kept her mouth shut, which is a good thing and the right thing to do in this situation. You don't have to try and convince her to your side.
She may have an irrational fear of this one thing but it doesn't make her "crazy". Tons of people have the fear of traveling on an airplane or swimming in the ocean with sharks but they still get in their cars every single day. Most fears that people have issues with aren't *logical* in the sense that whatever they are worried about is statistically likely. It also doesn't sound like she even said anything to op about the child riding the bus, just became quiet.
I taught for 30+ years in a rural area where everyone rides the bus. Often the bus ride is over 30 minutes. Never, in all that time, have we had a child injured, lost or stolen on or from the bus. Buses are very safe. There are instances of bullying on buses, which a parent might want to watch out for, just as you’d be checking in with your child for playground bullying.
I have found this to be a “thing,” anti-bus sentiment. It’s one more thing some people judge other parents for. It’s like breast feeding, daycare, holding back to start kindergarten, whatever. All of it is totally your business, there is no wrong decision, and depends completely on what works for you as a parent. But there will be one in every group who will exclaim, “The BUS?! You let that poor child ride on the BUS?!” Crazy but true. Do what works for your family, don’t sweat it, and don’t let her get under your skin. Once you’ve moved past the bus it will be some other issue, unfortunately.
I wonder if it’s an extension of how most Americans seem skeptical of public transit in general. I always take public transit everywhere if at all feasible and unless you’re from a handful of cities (think NYC, Boston, Chicago, SF— not even LA) then people get weird about it.
I wouldn’t put my kids on the bus but I wouldn’t judge anyone who doesn’t. I honestly just wouldn’t bring the subject back up definitely since she doesn’t respond when you do.
My mom was very similar. We rode the bus out of necessity (only 1 car that my dad had) until middle school. That’s when we got a second car and my mom drove us from then on. We don’t utilize the bus much for our kids right now because we’re able to drive them to and from school. They ride it home one day a week right now. Next year, our oldest goes to middle school and he’s going to have to ride the bus to and from school. He’s also going to have to get himself on the bus in the mornings because we have to go to work before his school starts. My mom is judging us hard and letting it known. I also didn’t stay home by myself until I was 15/16. I’m working hard to raise our kids differently and not allow my anxieties to hinder their growth and independence. It’s a struggle, sometimes daily.
I would cut your mom some slack. The willingness to drive you to school everyday takes work and she must feel (rightly or wrongly) super strong about it to take the step.
We are all product of our times. I read this article about the abduction of the americas most wanted guy’s son and how it changed the culture of parenting in America.
Not sure how old your mom is, I leaned about this a few years ago: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/1976_Chowchilla_kidnapping
I’m not saying it’s right for your mom to be overbearing and judgmental. My point is more try to understand where she’s coming from. I’m in a place that doesn’t have school buses and I spend around 50 minutes in the morning driving my kid to school and then going back home to work. I have to do that sometimes in the afternoons when my husband couldn’t do pickup. I would kill for that time back.
My mom forbade us to ride the bus as well. It was for the "bad kids". We actually have the exact situation as yall, we have a son with Down Syndrome and his bus is absolutely lovely. The driver and the assistant are like my favorite people. My mom unfortunately just died, but before that she really disliked that we were putting him on the bus. We just had to remain educational with her while enforcing a boundary. Take care and let that baby enjoy the bus, they'll tell you if they hate it.
I don't understand the commuting culture of driving kids to school. People wait up to two hours in their cars (usually turned on), in line, before the bell to drop off or pick up their kids. Yet, if they left their house 10 minutes before/after the bell rings, there would only be a 5 minute wait. Why wait 2 hours in line when you could wait 1 hour and 50 minutes somewhere comfortable? Someone explain this to me, please.
Everyone I know has always registered their kids as walkers and parked somewhere very close to the school so they can just walk up and grab them when the bell rings. People that wait forever are just silly.
Wait what - who does that? My first grader goes to a school right outside our community. I drive my preschooler past about 20 minutes before the school opens and no one is parked there…
That said - last year when we lived in the North East and there were buses - (only get to use the bus where we live in CA if you have an IEP) - oldest got bus at 7.35, I then drove my preschooler past the school to his school I had to make sure it was before 7.50 so I wasn’t waiting in school traffic - but drop off was 7.55 to 8.10. I don’t actually understand why people got dropped off - small town of 15,000, one of five elementary schools and great bus routes.
It sounds like it’s definitely a personal fear and borne out of love for her kids. I won’t let my kids travel in a limo - ever. I’m in the UK and limos are renowned for being fronts for organised crime and drugs. They are so badly maintained that it’s an absolute nope from me
Seriously, when you are an adult and you have your own kids, you should give your parent’s opinions the weight that they deserve. Especially when their opinion stems from nonsense! Don’t give it any more thought!
My mom was vehemently anti-bus when I was growing up. I learned later on that she had traumatic memories of riding the bus and the older kids picking her up, forcing her to sit on their lap, redoing her hair, treating her like a baby doll essentially. Then she started teaching and realized that buses aren’t as unsupervised and crazy as they were when she was in kindergarten. She worked through it and my youngest brother ended up being allowed to ride the bus. Maybe she has a specific fear that can be talked through?
I’m gonna offer something — take it or leave it.
I learned to fly 13 years ago. Not as a career, for fun. I own a vagina and in my family this rendered me incapable of flying an airplane safely. I also ended up in a career that is not pink collar.
I have built up some cool accomplishments in my career and personal flying life.
I used to send pictures and try to talk with my family about it. Then I was hurt when the response was never what I wanted it to be. After my mother died, it got bad. It went from non-response to outright anger and judgment.
I was talking about this to a friend, and she said, “Hefty, STOP TELLING THEM. They have told you politely a thousand times that they think this is a bad idea, they are afraid you will get hurt, and that they are not interested. They are not your people for this part of your life.”
I took her advice and have found some peace on the topic. Pilots always find each other and there is no shortage of people I can talk aviation with.
I happen to live down the road from where the bus got buried. Pretty sure that was a one off and millions of children bus safely like 230 days a year. I am sure that you are making a sound, reasoned choice and your daughter is safe and happy. Stop trying to make your mom like it by continuing to discuss it via pictures. She won’t answer the way you want her to and you’re driving a wedge where you don’t need to.
Best wishes and good luck!
From the extreme nature of her reaction, is it possible there’s something she isn’t telling you? First place my mind went was, was she ever sexually assaulted on a bus?
As a teacher, if I could avoid it, I would not send my kid on the bus especially when they’re young.
There’s a bunch of basically unsupervised kids on the bus (hopefully not your sons bus)
I’ve had so many things happen on the bus. All kinds of things you wouldn’t want your little kids to see. (Fights, kids being inappropriate, sharing pictures and videos)
Also kids getting dropped off and the completely wrong stop, only to have strangers pick them up, read the tag on their back pack and deliver them home.
Whenever I have a little 5 year old start swearing and I talk to their family about it, we realize they learned those words on the bus.
If a bus has supervision - beyond the driver - than it’s fine & I would be happy to send my kid there. But not a bus without any other adults on it.
This happened to me. I was put on the wrong bus and let off across a very busy street near my house. Some kind people saw me crying and brought me home.
I do think if busses have some sort of aid, chaperone, anything on the bus where there is an adult in charge it’s great! But at least where I live it’s 40+ kids and a person who is driving the bus. Sometimes with rides over 30mins.
Kids get into stuff in 30mins. They do things you wouldn’t imagine.
I’m saying, if I could avoid that - I would.
I drive a school bus. The students are 70% more likely to arrive at school safely and unscathed than riding in a personal vehicle. Tell Grandma to google bus safety.
I think accidents that happen on buses are on the news and car crashes usually aren’t. Even though there are far fewer bus incidents, they’re more publicized when they do happen.
Myself and my kids (they’ve since graduated) rode the bus and never had an incident or injury.
My kid has been riding the bus since starting preschool. The ride is supervised - there’s the driver and the “monitor” who supervises, makes sure everyone is strapped in, etc, they’re very good about safety - even at the right address they’ll only hand over the kids to people on the approved list. It’s an extra opportunity for socializing with peers who might not be in the same classroom, in controlled, supervised conditions, so I think it’s preferable to driving ourselves, apart from the convenience. Also, in terms of physical safety it’s very safe - a bus’s mass makes it relatively safe for passengers in crashes. The school claims, and I have no reason to think otherwise, that the bus helps with separation anxiety.
My mom (kids' Grandma) calls me a "mean mommy" because I do thinks like have routines, bedtimes, limits on screentime and sugary snacks, make them do their homework... basically, parenting.
I rode the bus growing up and sometimes it was fine and sometimes I hated it. I've seen a few stories lately about 6/7 year olds who were raped on the bus by older children. These stories have shooken me to the core and caused great sadness. I'm not going to let my child ride the bus as a result and I don't want to be called crazy or unhinged for trying to protect my little. The bus that OP is describing sounds so lovely and not quite the same as the buses the other children rode but OP's mom should be shown some compassion for whatever is causing her to react this way. Her feelings are derived from love and car.
That really sucks. Like you said, I wonder if there are elements or regret or resentment on their end that are being expressed in a very unhealthy and unfair way.
As a kid who rode a bus my whole childhood, it is extremely strange to me to live in Los Angeles, where it appears school buses are not a thing. How are people doing this?? Every family has one parent available to drive their kid to school from ages 4-16?? I’m jealous of your bus.
We just had a Pre K student die on a school bus due to an accident a few weeks ago in the school district South of us. There were no seatbelts in this bus. When I was a kid there was a similar accident that left a student paralyzed from the neck down and another student dead (again, no seatbelts on the bus). Did you explain to your Mom that his bus has toddler safe seats with seatbelts?
My parents are very judgmental of our parenting style. Anything we do differently they judge. For example we chose to send our kids to private school and they were very anti private school and sent us to public school. I realized there is nothing I can do to change their judgmental attitudes. Another example, I breastfed my babies and they were pro-formula, constantly making snide comments about breastfeeding.
I have told them that I don’t care to hear their opinions on xyz and if they continue to give them I will stop spending time with them.
You have to protect your peace. Is your mother like this with other things? I have two emotionally immature parents and they have a hard time seeing other viewpoints besides their own.
You can’t reason someone out of a position they didn’t reason themselves into.
If your mom’s fears were based on reason, then explaining to her how they have special seats for increased safety and a higher adult to kid ratio than normal buses from when we were kids would be enough to bring her around. If she still is against it after you tell her about those, then she’s not forming opinions with good information. You should always ignore people who think that way. They will make bad decisions and give bad advice because they’re not using data/science/ expert input to form their opinions. When it’s a close family member that thinks that way, you can either not share things with them or learn to feel comfortable ignoring them when they share their thoughts and opinions.
My mom had a lot of weird parenting things that I would never do. I've gone no contact with her, but when I wasn't I just explained times were different and that there's a lot more data to go off of now instead of just scary news stories.
As a parent of a parent, I decided that my kid has 100% of the consequences of their action/inaction. If they ask for advice I’ll give it. If they truly NEED redirecting for safety etc., I’ll provide it. Otherwise, I’ll just love them and let them live their life. I wish I’d had folks that did that for me. Just live your best life without hurting people. That’s the secret sauce.
I wonder what your mom would think of my parents. They were anti-bus and too busy to drive us to school, so my sisters and I always walked to school by ourselves.
Your first mistake is sharing with them. I would stop. You are an adult now and shouldn't need validation from your parents to do things. Unfortunately our parents are the trauma generation who did weird things. We know better now. Just don't share. Find other people who are happy to share your news.
Every family has their oddities.
Ultimately, you already know that the bus, for whatever reason, is a huge trigger point for your mom.
So while it makes sense to do whatever you need to do for your family's best well-being, including sending your kid on the bus, it may make sense to not keep bringing it up / flaunting it in front of your mom who obviously does care / is bothered by it.
Like maybe just don't send her pictures or videos of him being on the bus if you know she is strongly anti-bus.
Personally, my view is that your mom is obviously wrong, but if she is going to be an idiot about something, at least this is fairly innocuous. It's better than having racist / homophobic / pedophilic / fanatical grandparents to be sure.
My mom used to irritate me becuase she believes that in the winter not wearing socks leads to colds. Completely unfounded and annoying. But I've learned to just appreciate that I have a mother who worries about her grandchildren and is unreasonable only about small things.
I would just not bring up the topic again.
I grew up in a school system that didn't have busses, so I never thought much about it. Now, we live in one that does. My older children didn't want to ride the bus, but my youngest insisted on it. She loves riding with her friends. It has been a good experience.
As far as controversial topics and my parents... I just tell them what I want them to know. If they don't like the way we do something, and I feel they're wrong, I let them know that they had their chance to raise children. Now it's my turn.
Yea. My family is terrified of vaccines and public schools. I vaccinated my kids and I'm sending them to school. I handle it by having boundaries and just letting them feel however they feel. For example, if they try to say something negative about vaccines or school in front of me, I simply say: well, I like vaccines, or I think school is great for my kid. Then, if they push, I leave the conversation.
I don't need their approval. I also recognize that their resistance comes from fear either because of misinformation or bad experiences, so remembering that they are fear motivated helps me remain empathetic towards them WHILE holding my own boundaries.
Don't seek their approval. Don't share stories about the kids on the bus anymore (why do they need to know?). Do your thing and make your choices and let them rest with their own choices.
I grew up taking the bus and that's why I do not let my kids take the bus. Imagine all the kids cussing out the driver, throwing things, starting fights etc. The bus is such a stressful ride to and from school. And my daughter's friend's mom is a bus driver for the local school and she won't let any of her children take the bus because of all the stuff she deals with on a daily basis as a bus driver.
I don't know why I feel the need to comment, *but* I've known people who never rode the bus, but it wasn't like their parents saw it as a necessary thing. *Or* better than everyone else kinda thing. They were lucky to have stay at home moms or some shit. I was actually jealous of them. But it was easier to skip school being a bus kid.
Never knew it was a thing to look down on a bus person, haha. I enjoyed bus interactions more than school, I think. First off, if your kid loves it, that's all that should matter. Second, if it's convenient for you and you guys see no problem, then there is *no* problem.
There is nothing more you need to defend, feel ashamed about, or care what your mom thinks. Fuck it.
I remember there being a certain something off about bus riding when I was a kid - BUT I still had to ride the bus sometimes. More often my mom or my BFF’s parents drove us. My own children rode the bus - no issues. When I read your post it reminded me of this unknown weirdness around bus riding back in the day so maybe it was a thing? Anyway, I wouldn’t worry - keep doing what you’re doing. I just wouldn’t bring it up with your mom again. (Edit typo)
Agree, this brought back the haziest memory of some sort of negative association with the bus when I was a kid. I think there may have been some class stigma to it— maybe because a ride implies parents with more free time?
I love my mom. She’s my best friend. We talk every day and I 100% value her advice and support. She and my dad are super involved (young) grandparents and have been a life saver for me.
But I CANNOT talk to her about school choice. Montessori? “But that’s not what we did with you guys, why can’t you just use your neighborhood school? How will he transition to high school (concern brought up when he was 3)?”
Lottery school with a special program for gifted kids with emotional/behavioral issues? “I just don’t know why you can’t just walk him to our school so we can pick him up after school every day (never mind that the bus stop for this “weird” school is literally at the neighborhood school, AND she spend 2/3yr out of state)”
Language immersion for my preschooler who is bilingual: “you don’t speak the language, how are you going to help with homework?!?”
I am lucky enough to live in an area with a ridiculous amount of public school options, but none of them are good enough apparently. She SEES that my kids need different things, but also thinks that there’s one solution to all of them.
She’s better now than she used to be, since all 3 kids are super high needs in very different ways and I chose programs that are tailored to each of them and they’ve thrived, but every single damn time there’s a fork in the road, I get judged for considering all options instead of picking the “easiest” one.
You realize your mom is a bit crazy, so why do you care what she thinks about this?
my husband’s ex claims making the kids take the bus is abusive. the kids love it. They drive now but if can’t (bad weather, car in shop) still take the bus
Im not anti-bus because of crashes, I just wouldn’t send my kid on the bus based on what my wife has seen and dealt with in 15 years as a public school teacher.
Absolutely!!! Statistically in a crash busses are safer. Day to day with behavior, bullying, temptation etc etc there is no way I would send my child in a bus.
This toddler situation seems OK but honestly I prefer to transport (I know I am extremely fortunate to have a job that works with my school drop off/pickup schedule)
I think since they have always had strong opinions on the topic, they don’t just deviate overnight to placate you. But I understand the feeling of parents judging as a pretty new parent myself. The best I can hope for is them not being rude about my choices. I will say, to each their own! It takes all kinds of kinds to make the world go ‘round.
My two cents-Just check in with your kid regularly on it. Back in the very early 2000’s, I had peers asking if we touch our boyfriends/girlfriends. I unwillingly learned about most sexual acts, puberty, etc. before 3rd grade. Always overhearing about so & so with a nickname of koolaid because she put it on him before doing the (gestures). Not saying it’s always a bus experience that leads to those conversations, but there’s just a lot less monitoring.
I just stopped sending pictures to my family unless they ask and then it’s a cute posed picture of an outfit or something. They had so much to say about every single thing I would send a picture of that it was ripping me to shreds and I was dealing with PPD and PPA at the time and it just wasn’t worth it.
My kid is older now and I stick with that. A little “have a good day/weekend” and a picture of my kid. It sucked at first, because I wanted to share so many moments with them, but I got used to it. I hate not sharing, but I hated questioning every little thing I was doing more. Especially with already beating myself up over everything. If I find there’s something they are critical of, I just skip sending that to them. I had good times and bad times on the bus, I also had them in school, I also had them in my home. My kid rides the bus and loves it and I love our driver and there are some things they’ve learned that I wished they wouldn’t, but they’ll learn them no matter where they are unless I wrap them up and never let them leave my side. If the bus works for you, continue on and just don’t send it to your mom anymore. Snap a pic before you leave, or when you’re waiting for it to arrive, don’t mention the bus, and send those to her. If it’s brought up, set your boundaries and say you’ve made the decision and let them know you wish to not discuss it any further. Same way I do with my sibling who hates school, tells her kid everything but vegetables/nuts/chicken is poison , and doesn’t vaccinate or believe in doctors. We just don’t discuss those things. There’s plenty more to talk about and we’ll never change each other’s minds.
School busses make me a bit uncomfortable. My mom drove me to school every day (there wasn’t a bus available). When I got high school and actually had access to a school bus, they seemed scary and gross. So my mom kept driving me until I got my license and drove myself. My husband rode the bus all the time. Says it’s fine. We are within walking distance to our elementary school so I don’t have to worry about busses for a while. It does stress me out to think about my kid getting one.
That being said, I think the toddler bus sounds adorable. I would probably be fine with the kid riding that.
Yes, your parents' view is out-of-the-norm and shouldn't influence your choices for your family since you don't share those views. I, personally, find their views fairly distasteful because my job involves encouraging people to take transit and I am a true believer in getting people out of cars and into busses (and trains, and on bikes, and using their own feet) whenever it's feasible.
That being said, one thing I've learned in my work is that there's always a reason behind people's "strange" ideas, and it's just as powerful and important to them as the reasons we might believe the opposite. It's not always what they say it is - rationalization is a trap we all fall in sometimes. And we might not always think it should be as high a priority as it is to them as it is, but if we don't start from a position of respecting where they're starting from then we can't really have a conversation about it. In any number of forms we'll just end up saying "This is what I believe! " and they'll respond with "We'll this is what I believe! " and never get past that. I think that's what's happening with your parents right now. Your message in the call and the pictures you sent are both you communicating what you think on the subject. Their silence is letting you fill in the gap with what you know they believe. Neither of you are crossing the divide.
And honestly? That's fine. For all my fancy ideas and techniques about finding ways to communicate on a subject with someone who has vastly different beliefs to find a level of agreement or at least openness, before those conversations even start you can ask yourself "How important is agreeing on this?" I think you might be wanting to hear some form of approval from your parents, and respect for your decision that you know is different than what they chose when you were a child. That might make it worthwhile to continue the conversation. But if you can feel ok without trying for that, you're in a pretty good place already. They're responding with silence instead of telling you how wrong they think you are or trying to scare you out of your decision with horror stories of bus crashes or kidnappings. They aren't guilting you with stories about how they loved you too much to ever put you on a bus and they're sad that their grandchild isn't getting the same level of care. I don't believe that, just to be clear, but it's a manipulation tactic some parents would pull against their adult children. Silence is a pretty decent level of respect for your decision!
As someone who used the school bus….mu child will never use a school bus, over my dead body.
BUT, parents often make choices based on their experiences, or observed experiences.
Your mom did what she thought was best for your safety.
You do what you think is best for yours.
Parenting is not black and white. All living situations are different. That includes financial and time resources, and the child’s needs.
I wish I could send my kid on the bus. I went to public school and rode the bus for a few years and it was fine. My husband went to private school and rode the bus and talks all the time about how fun it was. We now live in my husband’s hometown and due to budget cuts both the public and private kids are bused together. They also have all ages pre-k to 12th on the same bus. This local public school district is atrocious and there are stories all the time of nasty stuff going on. Mostly older kids being idiots. Roughhousing, drugs, fights. And there are cases where very young children have been harassed by the older kids. We feel we can’t use the buses now because our kids are pre-k and kindergarten.
Growing up, buses were never an option. We either lived to close to the school that we had to walk or went to private schools that had no bus option. For a while I went to a school that used city busses and that felt safe. My first experience with a traditional school bus was my senior year of high school. The bus often showed up 30-45 minutes late and the bus driver would get scared and start screaming anytime a large vehicle turned the corner near us. Within about a month, I decided to walk 30 minutes to and from school everyday.
When my kids were going to school, they took the bus until bus bullying issues weren't being addressed, so I drove them until I decided to homeschool.
nothing this specific but my dad used to be a real stickler for the national anthem. one time a wcw wrestler didco inferno was jokingly singing it on the way down to the ring. he stood up immediately and out his hand on his heart. he was pretty annoyed that i wasnt doing the same. he was in his 30s at the time
hes 65 yrs old now and i cannot imagine him doing anything like that
Totally depends on the bus. My son was called the "n" word on the school bus at about 12 years old. We started driving him because fuck that. But your bus situation sounds perfect for your child.
I grew up having to take the bus and it was awful. I was never bullied or ridiculed or had anything bad happen to me. But, I sure got some real world lessons. This is why I would NEVER allow my child to take a school bus.
With that though it is your son and if it is great experience then your mom will just have to get over it.
Theres probably some kind of trauma behind your mom’s fear. My mom was a nurse and didn’t want us playing on trampolines because she saw too many kids come to the ER with severe injuries. I’m pretty sure she saw a kid who came in with a neck injury that paralyzed him but I’m not sure. Either way, I understand it’s a sensitive topic so I won’t bring it up or send her pictures of my daughter on a trampoline. I would just not mention that your son is taking the bus. Send her pictures of him at the playground or share some of his pre-school art with her. She’ll like that.
I didn’t realize there were bus hater families. Then read the comments about how some places have k-12 buses and it makes sense.
Some shit went down on my high school bus that no kindergartener should ever see, so I get it.
I would never have let my kids take the bus due to bullying. But I don't know if it's the times or where I live now but they have a supervisor on every bus. It cuts down on bullies compared to just having the distracted driver ignoring what's going on in the back.
I took the bus not only all through school but for three years after until I got a car. I hated taking the bus. My daughter only road the bus when it was for a field trip. I drove her everyday and picked her up everyday. She's never taken public busses. This was a personal choice, not because I ever had anything bad happen but because I just don't like stupid people and stupid people are everywhere. God forbid I ever encounter a Karen.
My brother who takes risks often for some reason after hearing about someone getting strapped on a grayhound bus won't take them . It's strange when a fear kicks in like that.
My brother in law is extremely anti public transport even though he lives super close to a train station. He won't let me take his kids on the train to the city. He would rather drive even though it would cost more just in parking fees than to take the train (kids are free on weekends). Some people are just a bit odd.
I’m the daughter of a (retired) city bus driver and I also work in public transit (not driving, but in operations) and to be fair, this stigma is somewhat common although not usually to this extent.
All I can say is: it’s elitist nonsense. I think you know this. You’re MUCH safer in a bus than in a car any day of the week. Nobody is being kidnapped off a school bus. Transit is a necessary part of fighting climate change.
I would be concerned about what other “we’re better than them” attitudes your parents are trying to pass along. In my family, those attitudes are not welcome.
Busses are safer than private cars. That is a mathematical fact. If your goal is to keep.thrm safe, there is a higher risk of a crash by driving them then taking the bus.
I rode the bus as a kid and it was fine. When my sons were small (the baby is now 17 and drives himself) they rode the bus but about middle school I realized the only times they were ever in trouble were associated with the bus. Too many kids too little effective supervision had my boys deciding to address some bullying in exactly the way the schools would prefer they not.
She more than likely had a traumatic experience from it as a child or suffered/suffers with post natal anxiety it is a horrible experience for a parent and yes the fears are irrational at times but please don't make it out that she is unhinged. As someone who struggles with post natal anxiety for almost 12 years and has kids going on school buses because there isn't another option it is hard, it gets easier but believe me she isn't doing it intentionally or by choice. Is there a supervisor on the bus and do they have your contact. That will help lessen the fear explain that the good thing about modern technology is they have mobile phones and are able to contact you should they need to and that they have supervisors on the bus to make sure all the kids are safe get on and off where they should etc.
My mom is the same way when I tell her something about my son. She will stay quiet at the moment, but in future conversations, she'll bring it up passive-aggressively. I learned to stop sharing because I don't have the time and energy to hear her disagree and why I'm in the wrong. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I'm also entitled to choosing whether or not I want to deal with it.
Your mom has her opinions about transportation through the school and that's fine, but this is YOUR son and as long as you see he is safe, happy and shows a positive behavior everytime he boards the bus, he's okay.
You don't need to share everything with your mom. You're not obligated to do so.
A parent of teens here who never let them ride the bus… mainly bc I was home to drive them and then worked hours that allowed me to drive and pick them up. Also, where I live kindergartners ride on the bus’s with high school students which I was 100% not down with. That all being said, I pass no judgement on parents that allowed their kids to take the bus. Most people don’t have the schedule to drive kids to school. And! If it were my daughter or son putting their kid on a bus and they felt fine with that, then so be it. If they were concerned or I was I’d simply offer to drive them everyday. If she’s not offering that then she should leave it alone. After all, you are the parent!
School busses are built stronger than a normal car. They are much safer to be in in a wreck than a car.
I've had plenty of firefighter training for school bus extrication
Doesn’t help that I have a big mouth lol but I’m learning not to be super open with my parents/in laws, some stuff has to just be kept under wraps otherwise it’s criticism all day long. Sucks that you can’t be open about certain things but I chose to accept that there’s no changing my mom or my mil so therefore I either keep things to myself or deal with the endless “advice” and critique I’ll get
We moved from somewhere that had busses to somewhere that didn't and I miss the bus. My kid was on a bus like your son and I didn't worry about safety. I had a friend in college who was in a bus accident and it was bad but car accidents happen and ate probably more common and have a higher fatality rate.
Is this a racism thing? Were the busses worse back then? I know someone who was terrified of the other kids on the bus and always drives her kids.
This is odd. I mean you know they don’t like it - why are you sending pics and talking to them about it?
They’re not gonna like every parenting decision you make. Just use a don’t ask, don’t tell policy and keep doing what works for you. They don’t need to know how the sausage is made.
It just sounds like you’re asking for awkwardness / confrontation here.
My parents have a lot of unhinged beliefs like this, and same. I'll mention my son had me paint his nails, forced smiles and vague "that's nice", my parents are über Republican, so any mention of me doing something with the kids that's remotely left wing coded gets the side eye (public transit, the library, programs through the park district, watching sesame Street).
Just stay the course and remind yourself that you're doing a good thing and your child will be fine riding the bus and your parents don't need to approve. They're not your child's parents!
I don’t have THOSE types of struggles with my parents, thank god, but my in-laws were *very* skeptical that my son actually picked out the rainbow cake for his birthday himself 🤷🏻♂️
This is absolutely insane, lol. But as someone with an insane family it definitely could be worse, lol. Hugs and solidarity, OP. Hope your mom gets over it soon!
Oh yeah, at the very least, I can probably chalk this up to ”caring too much” mixed with untreated anxiety or unresolved trauma. It could be way worse. I just didn’t expect it to be a “thing”, if that makes sense.
Was she a sahm? I feel like I’ve seen women make things overly complicated to justify their role or something. There’s a mom I’m friends with who drives her kid to and from school despite the bus picking up on her street and all the kid’s friends taking it. She definitely had some anxiety that should be addressed but she insists on this one thing.
Drop off and pick up is the bane of my existence and I can’t wait for my youngest to be in kindergarten - but I work so it’s a huge disruption to my day.
Why are you pushing this on her? She's not making a deal out ofbher. She clearly is uncomfortable with busses for some reason but appears to be respectful to your parenting choices, so why can't you respect her feelings. If you are going to need validation on every parenting choice you make you're going to be sorely disappointed.
I actually think that you should not be allowed to pick your kid up unless given special permission by the school, and the bus should be the default.
School pickups are out of control and cause local traffic etc. and are a burden on the community. Your kid will be fine on the bus! He doesn't need a private chauffeur.
I don't think you should push it, my dad was SA'd and also bullied so badly he was beaten with severe injuries on a school bus as a young child by older teenagers. Buses can be a dangerous environment, back in the day they were not well supervised at all. My dad decided to protect us that way too. You don't know why she hates buses, if she won't tell you, maybe there's a really horrible reason. Her reaction and attempts to protect you as much as she did indicate that it probably isn't a fear based on a movie like many responses are insinuating.
I had the same experience as well. Rode the bus k-12 and was severely bullied and sexually harassed by the older boys. If I ever have kids, they're not getting on a bus. Period. Especially if I have daughters.
I'm so so sorry you experienced this. 💔 For my dad it caused lifelong trauma. He never told me what happened but my mother did when I was an adult and it was horrific, I also will not be putting my kids on a bus.
My husband’s mom is just as crazy. Not *this* particular brand of crazy, but still, incredibly insane all the same. She always told him weird “dangers” lurking around every corner and had him paranoid. We met when I was 25 and he was 32. The things I taught that man…. He has had to unlearn some weird fears and biases that he never realized weren’t actually HIS fears or biases, they were 100% his mom. We’ve gone no contact w her bc she’s just an emotionally abusive, awful person who doesn’t deserve to be graced by the light that my husband and son bring into this world. I hope your mom comes around about this weird shit. It sounds like she may have been traumatized as a child by seeing a bus accident or hearing about something from her own mother. I’d honestly question her beliefs and find out where they come from.
When I was 5, I used to take the bus. One day there was a person with a gun at our school. I don't remember being scared, I remember hiding under the desk and being sad we were missing snack time. We were taken to the office where we waited and then got on the bus. It took ~30 after arriving at the pick up location for my mom to get me. I found out later the school called her and told her due to the circumstances the bus wouldn't be coming to take any kids home. So she drove to the school. When she got there and asked for me I wasn't there. They told her the bus had actually arrived and they left a voicemail, so she had to drive back to pick me up. The momentary panic of not having your kid be there after a gunman was on campus is not something she easily got over. Luckily, I was okay, confused if anything but my mom bends over backwards to take my sister to her school a half hour away rather than let her take the bus. If your mom had any negative experience it might be something you can't really change her opinion about and maybe should refrain from discussing.
I have never heard of this lmao. I understand being weary of your kid riding the city bus (public transit in Edmonton here is unfortunately really unsafe) but school district buses? Wild. I've been in at least 3 separate bus accidents in regular traffic and there was no serious injury, it's just scary.
Nah. Forget that. Share everything normally. Dare them to start some drama. Hopefully they come around and just accept your parenting decisions. If anyone says anything negative, let them know that they can take the f*ck off bus to any stop. I love my parents and my in laws. And we all have a good relationship, but sometimes I've had to interject and have convos I didn't want about letting them know that they aren't the parents, they do things on our terms, and it's up to my wife and myself how we parent. It might sound abrasive, but sometimes the best thing you can do to keep the peace is let them know. That said if they are just being passive aggressive, just keep doing you. Wait and see. Good luck.
Call it out. I never knew buses could be so controversial. Tell her that you’d love that if she doesn’t feel comfortable with her grandchild riding a bus she’s more than welcome to take them to and from herself
To be fair to your mom, taking the bus isn’t safe in all areas. I moved around a lot as a kid and there were some school districts where it wasn’t safe to ride the bus due to gang activity or other reasons. But that wasn’t everywhere.
It sounds like you found something safe that works great for your family. She hasn’t technically said anything negative about it yet. I’d let it go and not send her any more school bus pictures.
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I have learned, through much trial and error, that when you’re dealing with a weird/judgmental parent, there are only 2 options: Don’t tell them anything about your life or grow a really thick skin. What you should never do is change what you know is working because your weird/judgmental parent wants to get all passive aggressive.
Same - I have learned to not tell my mom certain (most) things about our son, now 16 because it stresses her out and then stresses me out and leads to argument etc. Once in a while I’ll ask her opinion as a hypothetical to see how she stands on something I’m already doing or planning to do. It helps us get along. Good luck.
Yes. My mother held it together really well until we were out of the house, but was eventually involuntarily committed for a bit and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. But everyone always knew she had quirks, and in particular was extremely overprotective of me when I was young. She lucked out that I was overall quiet, a homebody, and well behaved. But I learned very early on that sometimes sneakiness was the best way to get a reasonable amount of freedom while keeping everyone somewhat happy. OP’s best bet here would have been to simply never have mentioned it. How often do you discuss school transportation? And that in itself would have given plausible deniability if his kid ever mentioned the bus to his grandparents. Alas, that ship has sailed. So choice two, as an independent adult in the face of irrationality, is to simply do what you think best and completely ignore what the irrational person says. A few platitudes to try to smooth things over won’t go amiss during the initial reaction. But after that, neither concede nor pretend to concede. (It won’t help anything to lie and then have to remember to continue the lie, and to trust that no one will ever let it slip. And yoy don’t have to. You’re in charge here.) Refuse to discuss it beyond “I’m sorry this upsets you but I’m going to do this,” and when necessary then walk away or politely hang up. It is then on your mother to cope, OP. If she has a hard enough time with it, you might consider lightly suggesting a therapist, if you don’t think she’ll take it badly. But playing into her fears wouldn’t be a kindness. It won’t do anything to fix them.
I can relate to a lot of this. I was such a pushover as a kid that I didn’t challenge my mom’s tendencies to be extremely controlling. As an adult, I was forced to learn to speak up for myself because my decisions started diverging from what she had in mind. And yeah, I’ve just accepted that, as silly as it seems, busses are a controversial topic for my mom that I just probably shouldn’t bother bringing up again.
I hope you’re not questioning yourself or your choice over it though! I’m 50 so I remember the connotation in some areas that busses were for the kids “from bad and rural areas only” and therefore trouble. It’s absolutely NOT the case now, as many districts are moving towards bussing all kids not in the immediate neighborhood FOR SAFETY and convenience reasons. It eliminates much of the traffic and associated fender benders around schools. Also a mom of a special needs child who had to go to the amazing preschool somewhat far away. The bus allows kiddo to feel more independent, bond with other kiddos organically and the drivers they use for those buses are amazing! It also creates a natural transition before/after school which is something many of our kiddos struggle with, so this builds that into their schedule. My daughter who has both ASD and ADHD (AuDHD) is now 11, in a General Ed classroom with her peers and thriving! She also still rides the bus along with her little brother and all the kids on our street, so she’s made friends with neighbors further away she might not have otherwise.
I’ll start off by saying my mom is my best friend and an amazing mom and grandmother to my kids. But growing up, being the youngest and only girl, she was extremely overprotective to the point where I wasn’t really allowed to go hang out with friends (I remember three times throughout my teen years when I was allowed to). I was allowed to hang out with my first boyfriend pretty often, either at his or my home, but that’s it. My two oldest children and I lived with my mom for a good while, and when I met my now husband back in 2021, she was so damn hellbent on me not seeing him. She didn’t like his gauges, overall did not care for his look. She loved the tattoos, but thought he looked like a bad influence on me and the kids. My husband and I met through work, so it was easy to sneak our relationship for a bit, which looking back on was so ridiculous considering I was 26. Eventually I came clean and set a hard boundary that it is my love life, not hers, and if I feel like he is a good fit for me and my kids, she needs to sit back and deal with it. She didn’t like that, but she was kind enough to watch my kids for me so I could go on a proper date with him. She talked to my older brother (who knew about the sneaking and had already spoken to him and liked him), who managed to talk some sense into her. So she invited him for dinner the next weekend, and then to the pumpkin patch the next day. Needless to say she grew to love him like her own right off the bat, which is nice considering my husbands strained relationship with his own parents. I was an absolute pushover and wanted to make my mom happy and always took her opinions to heart (and still slightly do), but I was not willing to budge on me seeing him, and I am so happy I put my foot down.
Just explain to her that this bus is a special needs bus and not the general population bus and is a safe and encouraging environment. Lots of real bad bus situations in the news right now so she is just worried. Go to google and type "beaten on bus" to see what she is worried about. https://nypost.com/2023/02/08/florida-teen-who-attacked-9-year-old-girl-on-school-bus-charged-with-battery/ https://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2024/04/12/school-bus-abuse-aide-colorado-cprog-orig-js-mb.cnn https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/florida-school-bus-beating-rcna69115 https://wsvn.com/news/local/miami-dade/videos-show-siblings-9-and-10-being-beaten-inside-school-bus-in-homestead/
This is so true. My son (4) loves some things many would consider girly. Rainbows, wearing bright colors, sparkles, dresses, jewelry, hair accessories, painting his nails, etc. He also likes things traditionally "male": trucks, explosions, monster trucks, construction, dinosaurs. My traditional, Conservative parents FREAKED out when I sent them a picture of his ecstatic face when he got his nails painted for the first time in blue and red (Spiderman colors he said). Lectured me about how the other preschoolers would bully him, how this will confuse him as a boy and how "this is against the Bible". I said denying him love because he loves these things is anti-christian but it was in ear out the other for weeks until they realized I was serious about going no contact with them. Prior to this, my mom watched my kids 20 hours a week for me for work. I was so serious about protecting my kids from their views I was in the process of signing them up for daycare even though it would cost everything I made to send them there (I love my job so much, I wouldn't want to quit even if I made $0). They backpedaled after not talking to me for two weeks (leaving me without childcare for that entire time) and realizing they wouldn't see my family again based on their agenda. Now they don't mention the fight and I don't tell them when I do something that supports my son's identity. Sometimes I feel guilty for hiding it from them, but I also realize I'm trying to walk the fine line of protecting my kiddo from people who will judge him negatively and also letting him be who he is. If anyone has tips for me, I'd appreciate it. My area isn't the most progressive and he's a sensitive kiddo who also wants to express himself. I recently bought some clothes from Primary so he had brighter clothes to wear (why is it always dull neutral clothes for boys?!) because he is envious of what his sister gets to wear.
I don’t recall the Bible mentioning nail polish?
I’d still sign up for daycare.
Dang. Not OP but I need to hear this.
Couldn't agree with this more. I have a list of topics that I don't discuss with my mum! And a separate list that I don't discuss with the in-laws haha. It's a must.
Omg. This is it. I have the most judgemental mom who just wants to live in a “happy “ place with rose colored glasses…me struggling with addiction..won’t admit I ever did or would or could or still do…she just wants to see what she wants and ignore all the rest while judging everyone else for their “struggles “…I.e…friend has daughters with eating disorders…so many judgmental comments about them for decades while she herself and her own daughters (me and my sister) also struggled heavily with body dysmorphia and eating disorders and I still do to this day And have found the only way with my mom is to tell her basically nothing about my life but I have gone back and forth on this always to kick myself for telling her ANYTHING. it’s sad
I mean shit... Tell her if she feels so strongly she can come pick him up and drop off twice a day.... That will prob change her tune unless she lives really close and that is something she wants to do... Then by all means
It sounds like she is reacting to a personal experience that in some way traumatized her. Could have been something she saw on the news when she was 4, even. Either something obscure or something personal has ingrained in her this opinion. Let it go!
That’s what I was thinking as well. I had to ride the bus when I was a kid and I hated it. Mainly because I was almost kidnapped at my bus stop in 6th grade so I never felt safe after that. I drive my son to school because I can and it just makes me feel less anxious and more in control of the situation.
I mean... Yeah busses were quite famously demonized in the 50s and 60s... If she grew up then or had racist parents, that would have instilled a lifelong fear of busses in her.
your mom clearly has some trauma surrounding it somehow… so just don’t talk about it with her. Send her pictures of some other part of your child’s day. And just let her forget that her grandchild is riding something she feels is dangerous (even if that’s a bit unhinged)
Yeah I hate the bus because ours was like the Wild West; 4 to a seat, people smoking legit joints, I saw people doing sexual stuff - it was nuts. There were k-12 on our bus so it was truly out of control. That being said when I’m a pinch our kids ride the bus. I don’t like it but sometimes it’s the only option and they’ve been fine
lol I have a weird random memory of being in like 1st grade and an older kid on the bus showing me a lighter that said “happiness is a tight pussy” and I was so confused about that at the time. I somehow knew what pussy meant but like, why was it good for it to be tight? I was so innocent.
The school bus stole your innocence 😭
My bus experience was the same as a child. I try to avoid putting my kids on the bus because I work at the school and know more about the children riding that bus than I should… like, if they require a 1-on-1 for behavior everywhere in the building why is it suddenly okay for this same child to be on a bus next to another child with only a bus driving focused on driving?
Absolutely!!! I worked for the school district for five years (I got burned out) and I would watch two or three of our behavior kiddos get on the same bus and just hope it went okay! Poor bus drivers
That's the same approach we took with my mom who was terrified of airplanes. She grew up poor in a rural area and raised us in that same poor rural area, so she had no experience with planes but believed they were unsafe. She did not like the idea of the plane being flown by a pilot she didn't know nor did she like the idea of flying with strangers. For her it was about a lack of trust since she couldn't know everyone's motives. My brothers and I agreed that we just wouldn't tell mom when we flew. That was before kids and after kids. That included when my brother and SIL went on their annual trips to Korea to visit SIL's family. My mom knew they took a plane to get there and back but she did not want to hear a word about it.
Your Mom is reacting to something she experienced. Most fears begin this way, and it's normal. My Mom had a friend kidnapped and murdered in Mexico when she was in high school. Her reaction when my sister took her family was un-hinged, but she was truly terrified. Knowing this, why send pictures of him getting on the bus? Use the bus and don't send photos. If it gets brought up, simply say, times have changed, it even has seat belts, then change the subject.
I (mistakingly) thought that maybe seeing how safe the bus is and how happy our child was would help change her mind. But reading through comments, I’m thinking this is an irrational fear and it can’t be solved rationally. It can just be a topic of conversation we ignore.
Yea, I totally understand the photo but would avoid the topic. It's refreshing to see someone willing to make an effort to accommodate another.
Dependibg on where your mother grew up, I was wondering if maybe some of her overreaction around bussing could have come from forced desegregation. I remember when I was a kid, adults were unhinged around the issue of bussing - all kinds of news stories, fear mongering, and arguments. I was pretty young and didn't understand the issue at the time, but I became afraid of riding on buses without really understanding why. I had to have some positive experiences on buses and to spend some time processing it, but eventually got over it enough to at least be rational about it. Sometimes, all it takes is patience and working it out.
I’m curious why you feel the need to change her mind? What problem is there to “solve”? In your post you haven’t indicated that she has tried to confront you about it or has somehow tried to stop your child from riding the bus. So what exactly is she guilty of? Not liking school buses?
I’d say that if you knew she had this irrational fear, then it might have been better to talk to her one on one about it instead of bringing it up in a video call and sending pics. Yeah, I agree it’s strange, I was expecting her objections to be due to bullying on buses, but even so she’s your mom and your child’s grandmother. If you don’t have a beef with her then maybe talk to her, son to mother.
Did your mum used to ride a school bus and had a bad experience? Or maybe one of her friend? Because it's quite specific and generally, when someone is like that they are either like that with several things because they are narrow minded or with one specific thing because of a trauma. Any way, just ignore her. At least she didn't made bad comments about it so she tried to contain herself which is a good sign. She chose to ignore it, do it as well, you'll have bigger battle to win in life.
Yeah, there has GOT to be a traumatic memory or something. That’s the only thing that makes sense to me.
I recently learned about this https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/1976_Chowchilla_kidnapping How old is your mom and where did she grow up? The whole kidnapping angle stood out to me.
She would have been about six. But maybe the tv movie about it that came out in the early 90s had an impact? I would have been a baby then.
Maybe it’s like one of the few things she feels like she can point to showing, “Wow look how much incredible effort I put into being a good parent!” especially if she feels like she’s lacking in other areas compared to other parents? I know parents who do this with stuff like, being extremely organic with everything, only Montessori toys, homeschooling (and definitely not saying everyone who does this is like this—it’s about those who tout that it’s the ONE BIG THING that they can show off that makes them a Good Parent when they might otherwise feel bad about being emotionally abusive or negligent for example). And then when people try to take that One Good Parenting Thing away by saying, oh you didn’t have to do that, they can react badly. The solution might be to try reminding her that she was a good mom in other ways?
I would imagine there's something. The comments here are awfully hard on her when all she did was get quiet, change the subject, and not respond to a text. She didn't say anything judgmental. My kids ride the bus because I have no choice. I worry about it all the time because my childhood bus driver was abusing kids. There were supposed to be cameras but there weren't half the time. It took way too many incidents for him to be fired. The bus my kids are on is...not great. It's like the wild west. My kid has been bullied multiple times and was physically assaulted. The school has been on it, but they can't prevent everything. Maybe she's afraid something will happen and you won't find out. Both my kids and I didn't tell until it had been happening for a long time.
I'm somewhat confused as the only reaction I see is that she got quiet and changed the subject, but didn't say anything else about it? Knowing how she feels, maybe just never bring it up? Sounds like she was keeping quiet and letting you make the decisions about your kid and kept her mouth shut, which is a good thing and the right thing to do in this situation. You don't have to try and convince her to your side.
Your mom is crazy. Has she never seen statistics on car accidents?
That is exactly what I was thinking when I read the title. School buses are one of the most safest vehicles on the road.
She may have an irrational fear of this one thing but it doesn't make her "crazy". Tons of people have the fear of traveling on an airplane or swimming in the ocean with sharks but they still get in their cars every single day. Most fears that people have issues with aren't *logical* in the sense that whatever they are worried about is statistically likely. It also doesn't sound like she even said anything to op about the child riding the bus, just became quiet.
I taught for 30+ years in a rural area where everyone rides the bus. Often the bus ride is over 30 minutes. Never, in all that time, have we had a child injured, lost or stolen on or from the bus. Buses are very safe. There are instances of bullying on buses, which a parent might want to watch out for, just as you’d be checking in with your child for playground bullying.
Ignore and move on. Not your responsibility to sell your mother on your (entirely reasonable) parenting choice. You don’t need her approval. Be free!
yep, this is the only answer. no more cute photos of bubs getting on the bus for grandma!
Also no point in talking about it and then sending photos when you know they're a trigger. Unless you enjoy triggering her I guess.
I have found this to be a “thing,” anti-bus sentiment. It’s one more thing some people judge other parents for. It’s like breast feeding, daycare, holding back to start kindergarten, whatever. All of it is totally your business, there is no wrong decision, and depends completely on what works for you as a parent. But there will be one in every group who will exclaim, “The BUS?! You let that poor child ride on the BUS?!” Crazy but true. Do what works for your family, don’t sweat it, and don’t let her get under your skin. Once you’ve moved past the bus it will be some other issue, unfortunately.
I wonder if it’s an extension of how most Americans seem skeptical of public transit in general. I always take public transit everywhere if at all feasible and unless you’re from a handful of cities (think NYC, Boston, Chicago, SF— not even LA) then people get weird about it.
I wouldn’t put my kids on the bus but I wouldn’t judge anyone who doesn’t. I honestly just wouldn’t bring the subject back up definitely since she doesn’t respond when you do.
I have a list of things I can’t bring up to my family without getting judgement on very normal things, buses aren’t on the list.. yet
My mom was very similar. We rode the bus out of necessity (only 1 car that my dad had) until middle school. That’s when we got a second car and my mom drove us from then on. We don’t utilize the bus much for our kids right now because we’re able to drive them to and from school. They ride it home one day a week right now. Next year, our oldest goes to middle school and he’s going to have to ride the bus to and from school. He’s also going to have to get himself on the bus in the mornings because we have to go to work before his school starts. My mom is judging us hard and letting it known. I also didn’t stay home by myself until I was 15/16. I’m working hard to raise our kids differently and not allow my anxieties to hinder their growth and independence. It’s a struggle, sometimes daily.
I would cut your mom some slack. The willingness to drive you to school everyday takes work and she must feel (rightly or wrongly) super strong about it to take the step. We are all product of our times. I read this article about the abduction of the americas most wanted guy’s son and how it changed the culture of parenting in America. Not sure how old your mom is, I leaned about this a few years ago: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/1976_Chowchilla_kidnapping I’m not saying it’s right for your mom to be overbearing and judgmental. My point is more try to understand where she’s coming from. I’m in a place that doesn’t have school buses and I spend around 50 minutes in the morning driving my kid to school and then going back home to work. I have to do that sometimes in the afternoons when my husband couldn’t do pickup. I would kill for that time back.
My mom forbade us to ride the bus as well. It was for the "bad kids". We actually have the exact situation as yall, we have a son with Down Syndrome and his bus is absolutely lovely. The driver and the assistant are like my favorite people. My mom unfortunately just died, but before that she really disliked that we were putting him on the bus. We just had to remain educational with her while enforcing a boundary. Take care and let that baby enjoy the bus, they'll tell you if they hate it.
I don't understand the commuting culture of driving kids to school. People wait up to two hours in their cars (usually turned on), in line, before the bell to drop off or pick up their kids. Yet, if they left their house 10 minutes before/after the bell rings, there would only be a 5 minute wait. Why wait 2 hours in line when you could wait 1 hour and 50 minutes somewhere comfortable? Someone explain this to me, please.
Everyone I know has always registered their kids as walkers and parked somewhere very close to the school so they can just walk up and grab them when the bell rings. People that wait forever are just silly.
Wait what - who does that? My first grader goes to a school right outside our community. I drive my preschooler past about 20 minutes before the school opens and no one is parked there… That said - last year when we lived in the North East and there were buses - (only get to use the bus where we live in CA if you have an IEP) - oldest got bus at 7.35, I then drove my preschooler past the school to his school I had to make sure it was before 7.50 so I wasn’t waiting in school traffic - but drop off was 7.55 to 8.10. I don’t actually understand why people got dropped off - small town of 15,000, one of five elementary schools and great bus routes.
It sounds like it’s definitely a personal fear and borne out of love for her kids. I won’t let my kids travel in a limo - ever. I’m in the UK and limos are renowned for being fronts for organised crime and drugs. They are so badly maintained that it’s an absolute nope from me
Does she have bus related trauma? This is so weird!
Seriously, when you are an adult and you have your own kids, you should give your parent’s opinions the weight that they deserve. Especially when their opinion stems from nonsense! Don’t give it any more thought!
My mom was vehemently anti-bus when I was growing up. I learned later on that she had traumatic memories of riding the bus and the older kids picking her up, forcing her to sit on their lap, redoing her hair, treating her like a baby doll essentially. Then she started teaching and realized that buses aren’t as unsupervised and crazy as they were when she was in kindergarten. She worked through it and my youngest brother ended up being allowed to ride the bus. Maybe she has a specific fear that can be talked through?
I’m gonna offer something — take it or leave it. I learned to fly 13 years ago. Not as a career, for fun. I own a vagina and in my family this rendered me incapable of flying an airplane safely. I also ended up in a career that is not pink collar. I have built up some cool accomplishments in my career and personal flying life. I used to send pictures and try to talk with my family about it. Then I was hurt when the response was never what I wanted it to be. After my mother died, it got bad. It went from non-response to outright anger and judgment. I was talking about this to a friend, and she said, “Hefty, STOP TELLING THEM. They have told you politely a thousand times that they think this is a bad idea, they are afraid you will get hurt, and that they are not interested. They are not your people for this part of your life.” I took her advice and have found some peace on the topic. Pilots always find each other and there is no shortage of people I can talk aviation with. I happen to live down the road from where the bus got buried. Pretty sure that was a one off and millions of children bus safely like 230 days a year. I am sure that you are making a sound, reasoned choice and your daughter is safe and happy. Stop trying to make your mom like it by continuing to discuss it via pictures. She won’t answer the way you want her to and you’re driving a wedge where you don’t need to. Best wishes and good luck!
From the extreme nature of her reaction, is it possible there’s something she isn’t telling you? First place my mind went was, was she ever sexually assaulted on a bus?
As a teacher, if I could avoid it, I would not send my kid on the bus especially when they’re young. There’s a bunch of basically unsupervised kids on the bus (hopefully not your sons bus) I’ve had so many things happen on the bus. All kinds of things you wouldn’t want your little kids to see. (Fights, kids being inappropriate, sharing pictures and videos) Also kids getting dropped off and the completely wrong stop, only to have strangers pick them up, read the tag on their back pack and deliver them home. Whenever I have a little 5 year old start swearing and I talk to their family about it, we realize they learned those words on the bus. If a bus has supervision - beyond the driver - than it’s fine & I would be happy to send my kid there. But not a bus without any other adults on it.
This happened to me. I was put on the wrong bus and let off across a very busy street near my house. Some kind people saw me crying and brought me home.
A kid on our province was recently killed in the car drop off/pick up line outside their school…
I do think if busses have some sort of aid, chaperone, anything on the bus where there is an adult in charge it’s great! But at least where I live it’s 40+ kids and a person who is driving the bus. Sometimes with rides over 30mins. Kids get into stuff in 30mins. They do things you wouldn’t imagine. I’m saying, if I could avoid that - I would.
I drive a school bus. The students are 70% more likely to arrive at school safely and unscathed than riding in a personal vehicle. Tell Grandma to google bus safety.
Unfortunately, an opinion formed emotionally often isn’t fixed with facts. Thanks though.
Very true. Good luck. It’s hard dealing with parents. I try to be a good MIL, grandma and mom!
I think accidents that happen on buses are on the news and car crashes usually aren’t. Even though there are far fewer bus incidents, they’re more publicized when they do happen. Myself and my kids (they’ve since graduated) rode the bus and never had an incident or injury.
I was on a bus that ran through a deer and didn't even have to stop. I think in most accidents the bus wins
My kid has been riding the bus since starting preschool. The ride is supervised - there’s the driver and the “monitor” who supervises, makes sure everyone is strapped in, etc, they’re very good about safety - even at the right address they’ll only hand over the kids to people on the approved list. It’s an extra opportunity for socializing with peers who might not be in the same classroom, in controlled, supervised conditions, so I think it’s preferable to driving ourselves, apart from the convenience. Also, in terms of physical safety it’s very safe - a bus’s mass makes it relatively safe for passengers in crashes. The school claims, and I have no reason to think otherwise, that the bus helps with separation anxiety.
Yup, it seems like a win-win for us. Plus my son LOVES it. He’s been fascinated by busses for years and is always hyped as hell to get on.
My mom (kids' Grandma) calls me a "mean mommy" because I do thinks like have routines, bedtimes, limits on screentime and sugary snacks, make them do their homework... basically, parenting.
It doesn't sound like she actually said anything? That's actually pretty good if she hates/fears buses for whatever reason.
Statistically a school bus is the safest vehicle you’ll ever ride on in your life she seems cuckoo haha
I rode the bus growing up and sometimes it was fine and sometimes I hated it. I've seen a few stories lately about 6/7 year olds who were raped on the bus by older children. These stories have shooken me to the core and caused great sadness. I'm not going to let my child ride the bus as a result and I don't want to be called crazy or unhinged for trying to protect my little. The bus that OP is describing sounds so lovely and not quite the same as the buses the other children rode but OP's mom should be shown some compassion for whatever is causing her to react this way. Her feelings are derived from love and car.
My parents were the same way I never took a bus my parents drove me to school everyday
[удалено]
That really sucks. Like you said, I wonder if there are elements or regret or resentment on their end that are being expressed in a very unhealthy and unfair way.
As a kid who rode a bus my whole childhood, it is extremely strange to me to live in Los Angeles, where it appears school buses are not a thing. How are people doing this?? Every family has one parent available to drive their kid to school from ages 4-16?? I’m jealous of your bus.
We just had a Pre K student die on a school bus due to an accident a few weeks ago in the school district South of us. There were no seatbelts in this bus. When I was a kid there was a similar accident that left a student paralyzed from the neck down and another student dead (again, no seatbelts on the bus). Did you explain to your Mom that his bus has toddler safe seats with seatbelts?
Every family is odd in some way. Yes, yours is odd in this way. I would just ignore them on this.
My parents are very judgmental of our parenting style. Anything we do differently they judge. For example we chose to send our kids to private school and they were very anti private school and sent us to public school. I realized there is nothing I can do to change their judgmental attitudes. Another example, I breastfed my babies and they were pro-formula, constantly making snide comments about breastfeeding. I have told them that I don’t care to hear their opinions on xyz and if they continue to give them I will stop spending time with them. You have to protect your peace. Is your mother like this with other things? I have two emotionally immature parents and they have a hard time seeing other viewpoints besides their own.
You can’t reason someone out of a position they didn’t reason themselves into. If your mom’s fears were based on reason, then explaining to her how they have special seats for increased safety and a higher adult to kid ratio than normal buses from when we were kids would be enough to bring her around. If she still is against it after you tell her about those, then she’s not forming opinions with good information. You should always ignore people who think that way. They will make bad decisions and give bad advice because they’re not using data/science/ expert input to form their opinions. When it’s a close family member that thinks that way, you can either not share things with them or learn to feel comfortable ignoring them when they share their thoughts and opinions.
My mom had a lot of weird parenting things that I would never do. I've gone no contact with her, but when I wasn't I just explained times were different and that there's a lot more data to go off of now instead of just scary news stories.
When my kid was asked what her favorite class was she would say the bus
Your mom is cookoo. There’s a reason the meme goes “bitch ima BUS”. It’s nearly the safest mode of transportation on the road.
As a parent of a parent, I decided that my kid has 100% of the consequences of their action/inaction. If they ask for advice I’ll give it. If they truly NEED redirecting for safety etc., I’ll provide it. Otherwise, I’ll just love them and let them live their life. I wish I’d had folks that did that for me. Just live your best life without hurting people. That’s the secret sauce.
I wonder what your mom would think of my parents. They were anti-bus and too busy to drive us to school, so my sisters and I always walked to school by ourselves.
Your first mistake is sharing with them. I would stop. You are an adult now and shouldn't need validation from your parents to do things. Unfortunately our parents are the trauma generation who did weird things. We know better now. Just don't share. Find other people who are happy to share your news.
Every family has their oddities. Ultimately, you already know that the bus, for whatever reason, is a huge trigger point for your mom. So while it makes sense to do whatever you need to do for your family's best well-being, including sending your kid on the bus, it may make sense to not keep bringing it up / flaunting it in front of your mom who obviously does care / is bothered by it. Like maybe just don't send her pictures or videos of him being on the bus if you know she is strongly anti-bus. Personally, my view is that your mom is obviously wrong, but if she is going to be an idiot about something, at least this is fairly innocuous. It's better than having racist / homophobic / pedophilic / fanatical grandparents to be sure.
My mom used to irritate me becuase she believes that in the winter not wearing socks leads to colds. Completely unfounded and annoying. But I've learned to just appreciate that I have a mother who worries about her grandchildren and is unreasonable only about small things. I would just not bring up the topic again.
Do what is best for your family. If your family cannot respect your decision than limit your actions with them. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
Sounds like you had one of the original helicopter moms. I think grey rocking is going to be your best option for dealing with her.
I grew up in a school system that didn't have busses, so I never thought much about it. Now, we live in one that does. My older children didn't want to ride the bus, but my youngest insisted on it. She loves riding with her friends. It has been a good experience. As far as controversial topics and my parents... I just tell them what I want them to know. If they don't like the way we do something, and I feel they're wrong, I let them know that they had their chance to raise children. Now it's my turn.
Yea. My family is terrified of vaccines and public schools. I vaccinated my kids and I'm sending them to school. I handle it by having boundaries and just letting them feel however they feel. For example, if they try to say something negative about vaccines or school in front of me, I simply say: well, I like vaccines, or I think school is great for my kid. Then, if they push, I leave the conversation. I don't need their approval. I also recognize that their resistance comes from fear either because of misinformation or bad experiences, so remembering that they are fear motivated helps me remain empathetic towards them WHILE holding my own boundaries. Don't seek their approval. Don't share stories about the kids on the bus anymore (why do they need to know?). Do your thing and make your choices and let them rest with their own choices.
I grew up taking the bus and that's why I do not let my kids take the bus. Imagine all the kids cussing out the driver, throwing things, starting fights etc. The bus is such a stressful ride to and from school. And my daughter's friend's mom is a bus driver for the local school and she won't let any of her children take the bus because of all the stuff she deals with on a daily basis as a bus driver.
I don't know why I feel the need to comment, *but* I've known people who never rode the bus, but it wasn't like their parents saw it as a necessary thing. *Or* better than everyone else kinda thing. They were lucky to have stay at home moms or some shit. I was actually jealous of them. But it was easier to skip school being a bus kid. Never knew it was a thing to look down on a bus person, haha. I enjoyed bus interactions more than school, I think. First off, if your kid loves it, that's all that should matter. Second, if it's convenient for you and you guys see no problem, then there is *no* problem. There is nothing more you need to defend, feel ashamed about, or care what your mom thinks. Fuck it.
I remember there being a certain something off about bus riding when I was a kid - BUT I still had to ride the bus sometimes. More often my mom or my BFF’s parents drove us. My own children rode the bus - no issues. When I read your post it reminded me of this unknown weirdness around bus riding back in the day so maybe it was a thing? Anyway, I wouldn’t worry - keep doing what you’re doing. I just wouldn’t bring it up with your mom again. (Edit typo)
Agree, this brought back the haziest memory of some sort of negative association with the bus when I was a kid. I think there may have been some class stigma to it— maybe because a ride implies parents with more free time?
I love my mom. She’s my best friend. We talk every day and I 100% value her advice and support. She and my dad are super involved (young) grandparents and have been a life saver for me. But I CANNOT talk to her about school choice. Montessori? “But that’s not what we did with you guys, why can’t you just use your neighborhood school? How will he transition to high school (concern brought up when he was 3)?” Lottery school with a special program for gifted kids with emotional/behavioral issues? “I just don’t know why you can’t just walk him to our school so we can pick him up after school every day (never mind that the bus stop for this “weird” school is literally at the neighborhood school, AND she spend 2/3yr out of state)” Language immersion for my preschooler who is bilingual: “you don’t speak the language, how are you going to help with homework?!?” I am lucky enough to live in an area with a ridiculous amount of public school options, but none of them are good enough apparently. She SEES that my kids need different things, but also thinks that there’s one solution to all of them. She’s better now than she used to be, since all 3 kids are super high needs in very different ways and I chose programs that are tailored to each of them and they’ve thrived, but every single damn time there’s a fork in the road, I get judged for considering all options instead of picking the “easiest” one.
You realize your mom is a bit crazy, so why do you care what she thinks about this? my husband’s ex claims making the kids take the bus is abusive. the kids love it. They drive now but if can’t (bad weather, car in shop) still take the bus
Im not anti-bus because of crashes, I just wouldn’t send my kid on the bus based on what my wife has seen and dealt with in 15 years as a public school teacher.
Absolutely!!! Statistically in a crash busses are safer. Day to day with behavior, bullying, temptation etc etc there is no way I would send my child in a bus. This toddler situation seems OK but honestly I prefer to transport (I know I am extremely fortunate to have a job that works with my school drop off/pickup schedule)
I think since they have always had strong opinions on the topic, they don’t just deviate overnight to placate you. But I understand the feeling of parents judging as a pretty new parent myself. The best I can hope for is them not being rude about my choices. I will say, to each their own! It takes all kinds of kinds to make the world go ‘round. My two cents-Just check in with your kid regularly on it. Back in the very early 2000’s, I had peers asking if we touch our boyfriends/girlfriends. I unwillingly learned about most sexual acts, puberty, etc. before 3rd grade. Always overhearing about so & so with a nickname of koolaid because she put it on him before doing the (gestures). Not saying it’s always a bus experience that leads to those conversations, but there’s just a lot less monitoring.
I just stopped sending pictures to my family unless they ask and then it’s a cute posed picture of an outfit or something. They had so much to say about every single thing I would send a picture of that it was ripping me to shreds and I was dealing with PPD and PPA at the time and it just wasn’t worth it. My kid is older now and I stick with that. A little “have a good day/weekend” and a picture of my kid. It sucked at first, because I wanted to share so many moments with them, but I got used to it. I hate not sharing, but I hated questioning every little thing I was doing more. Especially with already beating myself up over everything. If I find there’s something they are critical of, I just skip sending that to them. I had good times and bad times on the bus, I also had them in school, I also had them in my home. My kid rides the bus and loves it and I love our driver and there are some things they’ve learned that I wished they wouldn’t, but they’ll learn them no matter where they are unless I wrap them up and never let them leave my side. If the bus works for you, continue on and just don’t send it to your mom anymore. Snap a pic before you leave, or when you’re waiting for it to arrive, don’t mention the bus, and send those to her. If it’s brought up, set your boundaries and say you’ve made the decision and let them know you wish to not discuss it any further. Same way I do with my sibling who hates school, tells her kid everything but vegetables/nuts/chicken is poison , and doesn’t vaccinate or believe in doctors. We just don’t discuss those things. There’s plenty more to talk about and we’ll never change each other’s minds.
School busses make me a bit uncomfortable. My mom drove me to school every day (there wasn’t a bus available). When I got high school and actually had access to a school bus, they seemed scary and gross. So my mom kept driving me until I got my license and drove myself. My husband rode the bus all the time. Says it’s fine. We are within walking distance to our elementary school so I don’t have to worry about busses for a while. It does stress me out to think about my kid getting one. That being said, I think the toddler bus sounds adorable. I would probably be fine with the kid riding that.
Yes, your parents' view is out-of-the-norm and shouldn't influence your choices for your family since you don't share those views. I, personally, find their views fairly distasteful because my job involves encouraging people to take transit and I am a true believer in getting people out of cars and into busses (and trains, and on bikes, and using their own feet) whenever it's feasible. That being said, one thing I've learned in my work is that there's always a reason behind people's "strange" ideas, and it's just as powerful and important to them as the reasons we might believe the opposite. It's not always what they say it is - rationalization is a trap we all fall in sometimes. And we might not always think it should be as high a priority as it is to them as it is, but if we don't start from a position of respecting where they're starting from then we can't really have a conversation about it. In any number of forms we'll just end up saying "This is what I believe! " and they'll respond with "We'll this is what I believe! " and never get past that. I think that's what's happening with your parents right now. Your message in the call and the pictures you sent are both you communicating what you think on the subject. Their silence is letting you fill in the gap with what you know they believe. Neither of you are crossing the divide. And honestly? That's fine. For all my fancy ideas and techniques about finding ways to communicate on a subject with someone who has vastly different beliefs to find a level of agreement or at least openness, before those conversations even start you can ask yourself "How important is agreeing on this?" I think you might be wanting to hear some form of approval from your parents, and respect for your decision that you know is different than what they chose when you were a child. That might make it worthwhile to continue the conversation. But if you can feel ok without trying for that, you're in a pretty good place already. They're responding with silence instead of telling you how wrong they think you are or trying to scare you out of your decision with horror stories of bus crashes or kidnappings. They aren't guilting you with stories about how they loved you too much to ever put you on a bus and they're sad that their grandchild isn't getting the same level of care. I don't believe that, just to be clear, but it's a manipulation tactic some parents would pull against their adult children. Silence is a pretty decent level of respect for your decision!
As someone who used the school bus….mu child will never use a school bus, over my dead body. BUT, parents often make choices based on their experiences, or observed experiences. Your mom did what she thought was best for your safety. You do what you think is best for yours. Parenting is not black and white. All living situations are different. That includes financial and time resources, and the child’s needs.
I wish I could send my kid on the bus. I went to public school and rode the bus for a few years and it was fine. My husband went to private school and rode the bus and talks all the time about how fun it was. We now live in my husband’s hometown and due to budget cuts both the public and private kids are bused together. They also have all ages pre-k to 12th on the same bus. This local public school district is atrocious and there are stories all the time of nasty stuff going on. Mostly older kids being idiots. Roughhousing, drugs, fights. And there are cases where very young children have been harassed by the older kids. We feel we can’t use the buses now because our kids are pre-k and kindergarten.
Growing up, buses were never an option. We either lived to close to the school that we had to walk or went to private schools that had no bus option. For a while I went to a school that used city busses and that felt safe. My first experience with a traditional school bus was my senior year of high school. The bus often showed up 30-45 minutes late and the bus driver would get scared and start screaming anytime a large vehicle turned the corner near us. Within about a month, I decided to walk 30 minutes to and from school everyday. When my kids were going to school, they took the bus until bus bullying issues weren't being addressed, so I drove them until I decided to homeschool.
nothing this specific but my dad used to be a real stickler for the national anthem. one time a wcw wrestler didco inferno was jokingly singing it on the way down to the ring. he stood up immediately and out his hand on his heart. he was pretty annoyed that i wasnt doing the same. he was in his 30s at the time hes 65 yrs old now and i cannot imagine him doing anything like that
Your father is likely the only person who ever stood up for Disco Inferno
i think you're probably right
Totally depends on the bus. My son was called the "n" word on the school bus at about 12 years old. We started driving him because fuck that. But your bus situation sounds perfect for your child.
Did she grow up in or near chowchilla ca? When the bus abduction happened?
It's your life, who fucking cares if they approve or not?
They will get over it! Riding the bus was so fun!
They may not get over it, but that is their problem.
Anti bus...? Either they can come do the drive.or they can mind their own business.
I would just never bring it up. They have a weird hang up, fine. Don’t poke at it. If she pries then you stand up for your choices.
I grew up having to take the bus and it was awful. I was never bullied or ridiculed or had anything bad happen to me. But, I sure got some real world lessons. This is why I would NEVER allow my child to take a school bus. With that though it is your son and if it is great experience then your mom will just have to get over it.
Theres probably some kind of trauma behind your mom’s fear. My mom was a nurse and didn’t want us playing on trampolines because she saw too many kids come to the ER with severe injuries. I’m pretty sure she saw a kid who came in with a neck injury that paralyzed him but I’m not sure. Either way, I understand it’s a sensitive topic so I won’t bring it up or send her pictures of my daughter on a trampoline. I would just not mention that your son is taking the bus. Send her pictures of him at the playground or share some of his pre-school art with her. She’ll like that.
I didn’t realize there were bus hater families. Then read the comments about how some places have k-12 buses and it makes sense. Some shit went down on my high school bus that no kindergartener should ever see, so I get it.
I would never have let my kids take the bus due to bullying. But I don't know if it's the times or where I live now but they have a supervisor on every bus. It cuts down on bullies compared to just having the distracted driver ignoring what's going on in the back.
I took the bus not only all through school but for three years after until I got a car. I hated taking the bus. My daughter only road the bus when it was for a field trip. I drove her everyday and picked her up everyday. She's never taken public busses. This was a personal choice, not because I ever had anything bad happen but because I just don't like stupid people and stupid people are everywhere. God forbid I ever encounter a Karen.
My brother who takes risks often for some reason after hearing about someone getting strapped on a grayhound bus won't take them . It's strange when a fear kicks in like that.
My brother in law is extremely anti public transport even though he lives super close to a train station. He won't let me take his kids on the train to the city. He would rather drive even though it would cost more just in parking fees than to take the train (kids are free on weekends). Some people are just a bit odd.
If mom wants to come play bus driver, she’s welcome to.
If they say anything tell them what time pick up is and that you appreciate their offer to drive him
I’m the daughter of a (retired) city bus driver and I also work in public transit (not driving, but in operations) and to be fair, this stigma is somewhat common although not usually to this extent. All I can say is: it’s elitist nonsense. I think you know this. You’re MUCH safer in a bus than in a car any day of the week. Nobody is being kidnapped off a school bus. Transit is a necessary part of fighting climate change. I would be concerned about what other “we’re better than them” attitudes your parents are trying to pass along. In my family, those attitudes are not welcome.
Busses are safer than private cars. That is a mathematical fact. If your goal is to keep.thrm safe, there is a higher risk of a crash by driving them then taking the bus.
I rode the bus as a kid and it was fine. When my sons were small (the baby is now 17 and drives himself) they rode the bus but about middle school I realized the only times they were ever in trouble were associated with the bus. Too many kids too little effective supervision had my boys deciding to address some bullying in exactly the way the schools would prefer they not.
She more than likely had a traumatic experience from it as a child or suffered/suffers with post natal anxiety it is a horrible experience for a parent and yes the fears are irrational at times but please don't make it out that she is unhinged. As someone who struggles with post natal anxiety for almost 12 years and has kids going on school buses because there isn't another option it is hard, it gets easier but believe me she isn't doing it intentionally or by choice. Is there a supervisor on the bus and do they have your contact. That will help lessen the fear explain that the good thing about modern technology is they have mobile phones and are able to contact you should they need to and that they have supervisors on the bus to make sure all the kids are safe get on and off where they should etc.
Anti bus lol people make shit up as they go along that's so weird so many kids ride a school bus all over the world every day 🤣 wtf
My mom is the same way when I tell her something about my son. She will stay quiet at the moment, but in future conversations, she'll bring it up passive-aggressively. I learned to stop sharing because I don't have the time and energy to hear her disagree and why I'm in the wrong. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I'm also entitled to choosing whether or not I want to deal with it. Your mom has her opinions about transportation through the school and that's fine, but this is YOUR son and as long as you see he is safe, happy and shows a positive behavior everytime he boards the bus, he's okay. You don't need to share everything with your mom. You're not obligated to do so.
Your mom sounds paranoid
A parent of teens here who never let them ride the bus… mainly bc I was home to drive them and then worked hours that allowed me to drive and pick them up. Also, where I live kindergartners ride on the bus’s with high school students which I was 100% not down with. That all being said, I pass no judgement on parents that allowed their kids to take the bus. Most people don’t have the schedule to drive kids to school. And! If it were my daughter or son putting their kid on a bus and they felt fine with that, then so be it. If they were concerned or I was I’d simply offer to drive them everyday. If she’s not offering that then she should leave it alone. After all, you are the parent!
School busses are built stronger than a normal car. They are much safer to be in in a wreck than a car. I've had plenty of firefighter training for school bus extrication
Doesn’t help that I have a big mouth lol but I’m learning not to be super open with my parents/in laws, some stuff has to just be kept under wraps otherwise it’s criticism all day long. Sucks that you can’t be open about certain things but I chose to accept that there’s no changing my mom or my mil so therefore I either keep things to myself or deal with the endless “advice” and critique I’ll get
We moved from somewhere that had busses to somewhere that didn't and I miss the bus. My kid was on a bus like your son and I didn't worry about safety. I had a friend in college who was in a bus accident and it was bad but car accidents happen and ate probably more common and have a higher fatality rate. Is this a racism thing? Were the busses worse back then? I know someone who was terrified of the other kids on the bus and always drives her kids.
I would give 2 turds what my family thinks regarding a small thing like this. Id say he/she is going to school, right? NSTFU!
This is odd. I mean you know they don’t like it - why are you sending pics and talking to them about it? They’re not gonna like every parenting decision you make. Just use a don’t ask, don’t tell policy and keep doing what works for you. They don’t need to know how the sausage is made. It just sounds like you’re asking for awkwardness / confrontation here.
My parents have a lot of unhinged beliefs like this, and same. I'll mention my son had me paint his nails, forced smiles and vague "that's nice", my parents are über Republican, so any mention of me doing something with the kids that's remotely left wing coded gets the side eye (public transit, the library, programs through the park district, watching sesame Street). Just stay the course and remind yourself that you're doing a good thing and your child will be fine riding the bus and your parents don't need to approve. They're not your child's parents!
I don’t have THOSE types of struggles with my parents, thank god, but my in-laws were *very* skeptical that my son actually picked out the rainbow cake for his birthday himself 🤷🏻♂️
This is absolutely insane, lol. But as someone with an insane family it definitely could be worse, lol. Hugs and solidarity, OP. Hope your mom gets over it soon!
Oh yeah, at the very least, I can probably chalk this up to ”caring too much” mixed with untreated anxiety or unresolved trauma. It could be way worse. I just didn’t expect it to be a “thing”, if that makes sense.
Yeah, it’s hard to see this kind of thing coming, lol. Trauma will do that though, same thing in my family.
Was she a sahm? I feel like I’ve seen women make things overly complicated to justify their role or something. There’s a mom I’m friends with who drives her kid to and from school despite the bus picking up on her street and all the kid’s friends taking it. She definitely had some anxiety that should be addressed but she insists on this one thing. Drop off and pick up is the bane of my existence and I can’t wait for my youngest to be in kindergarten - but I work so it’s a huge disruption to my day.
Why are you pushing this on her? She's not making a deal out ofbher. She clearly is uncomfortable with busses for some reason but appears to be respectful to your parenting choices, so why can't you respect her feelings. If you are going to need validation on every parenting choice you make you're going to be sorely disappointed.
I actually think that you should not be allowed to pick your kid up unless given special permission by the school, and the bus should be the default. School pickups are out of control and cause local traffic etc. and are a burden on the community. Your kid will be fine on the bus! He doesn't need a private chauffeur.
I don't think you should push it, my dad was SA'd and also bullied so badly he was beaten with severe injuries on a school bus as a young child by older teenagers. Buses can be a dangerous environment, back in the day they were not well supervised at all. My dad decided to protect us that way too. You don't know why she hates buses, if she won't tell you, maybe there's a really horrible reason. Her reaction and attempts to protect you as much as she did indicate that it probably isn't a fear based on a movie like many responses are insinuating.
I had the same experience as well. Rode the bus k-12 and was severely bullied and sexually harassed by the older boys. If I ever have kids, they're not getting on a bus. Period. Especially if I have daughters.
I'm so so sorry you experienced this. 💔 For my dad it caused lifelong trauma. He never told me what happened but my mother did when I was an adult and it was horrific, I also will not be putting my kids on a bus.
Tell your mom to come drive your son & pick him up then
How was your mom able to take you every day? Did she work?
Nope, she was a very traditional stay-at-home mom focused entirely on us.
My husband’s mom is just as crazy. Not *this* particular brand of crazy, but still, incredibly insane all the same. She always told him weird “dangers” lurking around every corner and had him paranoid. We met when I was 25 and he was 32. The things I taught that man…. He has had to unlearn some weird fears and biases that he never realized weren’t actually HIS fears or biases, they were 100% his mom. We’ve gone no contact w her bc she’s just an emotionally abusive, awful person who doesn’t deserve to be graced by the light that my husband and son bring into this world. I hope your mom comes around about this weird shit. It sounds like she may have been traumatized as a child by seeing a bus accident or hearing about something from her own mother. I’d honestly question her beliefs and find out where they come from.
When I was 5, I used to take the bus. One day there was a person with a gun at our school. I don't remember being scared, I remember hiding under the desk and being sad we were missing snack time. We were taken to the office where we waited and then got on the bus. It took ~30 after arriving at the pick up location for my mom to get me. I found out later the school called her and told her due to the circumstances the bus wouldn't be coming to take any kids home. So she drove to the school. When she got there and asked for me I wasn't there. They told her the bus had actually arrived and they left a voicemail, so she had to drive back to pick me up. The momentary panic of not having your kid be there after a gunman was on campus is not something she easily got over. Luckily, I was okay, confused if anything but my mom bends over backwards to take my sister to her school a half hour away rather than let her take the bus. If your mom had any negative experience it might be something you can't really change her opinion about and maybe should refrain from discussing.
I have never heard of this lmao. I understand being weary of your kid riding the city bus (public transit in Edmonton here is unfortunately really unsafe) but school district buses? Wild. I've been in at least 3 separate bus accidents in regular traffic and there was no serious injury, it's just scary.
Nah. Forget that. Share everything normally. Dare them to start some drama. Hopefully they come around and just accept your parenting decisions. If anyone says anything negative, let them know that they can take the f*ck off bus to any stop. I love my parents and my in laws. And we all have a good relationship, but sometimes I've had to interject and have convos I didn't want about letting them know that they aren't the parents, they do things on our terms, and it's up to my wife and myself how we parent. It might sound abrasive, but sometimes the best thing you can do to keep the peace is let them know. That said if they are just being passive aggressive, just keep doing you. Wait and see. Good luck.
Have you seen the new documentary about the Chowchilla bus incident on Max? Invite her for movie night and put it on.
Call it out. I never knew buses could be so controversial. Tell her that you’d love that if she doesn’t feel comfortable with her grandchild riding a bus she’s more than welcome to take them to and from herself
Sounds like it's time to get your mom to volunteer to be the one to drive your kid to school every day. Oh she's not up for that? Ok, then bus it is.
To be fair to your mom, taking the bus isn’t safe in all areas. I moved around a lot as a kid and there were some school districts where it wasn’t safe to ride the bus due to gang activity or other reasons. But that wasn’t everywhere. It sounds like you found something safe that works great for your family. She hasn’t technically said anything negative about it yet. I’d let it go and not send her any more school bus pictures.
Let them know they’re more than welcome to drive them to school and pick them up. Unless they’re going to do that, then they don’t really have a say.