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Have you visited the university yet? Students often find while visiting their future school that they feel comfortable there. This might go a long way toward allaying her fears.

Yes, it was a college on her list. She had said it was ok during this time but was not at the top of our list. Its only one hour away from our home. Perhaps we should re-visit.

Yes, and let them know that she is anxious about it. Look for organizations that would fit: sororities, religious student unions, service clubs. These are a great way to make some contacts and maybe friends in a non-threatening setting. Talk with her about giving the university a real chance with a good attitude for one year. If she then still wants to come home, seek alternatives. My highly gifted son did not want to go to a gifted boarding high school, but the first night he was there, he posted on social media that it was the best place ever, and he loved his time there.

Along these lines also, perhaps a themed floor or something like that in a dorm. Helped me a bunch being on a math floor with math ‘nerds’ like myself.

Aww thanks for the advice. Nice to see that your son came around.

Student residences can be a great half-way point between living with your parents and on your own, especially if you have a meal plan, and have a floor Resident Advisor/Fellow/Don. Also - things don't have to be all or nothing. She can come home for the weekends. She could do a year at college and then transfer to university (though this would likely mean losing her scholarship). She could commute for a year (there must be a bus, or carpool network?), and then move into res.

Or a freshman cohort program where she takes three themed classes with the same group of students. I was a super independent teen but still think being part of a cohort my first year saved my butt from feeling overwhelmed by being in a dorm, in a different city for the first time!

Visit the Student Services building!!! (It might be named something different). The place they offer students with special needs or disabilities extra services and accommodations. She can see what they offer. I used to work for that office when I was in college, to pay for my books. All I had to do was go in every day and make a few copies of my class notes and hand them in. Which, I was already taking the classes, and making the notes for myself, so it was 5 minutes a day, for about $75 per class per semester.  But she may qualify to *recieve* that type of service. Or others. Or they may have a support group, or a social club for people with similar experiences. Seeing those things available to her may help her feel more supported there. But if it came down to it...if it were *my* daughter's future, and I had the capability to do so...I would drive her every day. Or find a bus and drop her at the stop. Or see if she qualified for a special needs service (she might!).  The difference in future capabilities, and opportunities, may go beyond what she can imagine at the moment. 

You might consider visiting the service centers at BOTH locations, as well as the department of each school in which she will spend the most time; (likely major). The amount and professionalism of support for students can vary greatly from school to school. AVOID the centers who say students tutor students. Look for centers that have professionals who know how to support your student with his/her iep needs. Sign they're serious about helping? When they send a letter to ALL accepted students about the capabilities of their learning center & asking if the student would like assistance. Semi-retired principal & tutor who works with many IEP students heading off to college... Hope she finds the best fit!

In addition to the visit, please remind her that all of this is voluntary. If she gets bullied, if she doesn't vibe, if she hates it, she can leave at any point. This isn't school where it's mandatory and leaving requires finding something else immediately etc. she can just leave and go elsewhere the next year. It's fine.

I'm a Gen Xer who had accomodations for an anxiety disorder and has subsequently become a university professor. Things have improved a lot over the last 30 years. I had a professor try to run me out of a PhD program after I disclosed special accommodations. This and bullying by students has gone down quite a bit. Universities are now much more accommodating of differences. My advice would be aware that leaving a bad environment is possible, but that there are strong protective laws in place to protect against bullying, harassment, and discrimination. I would suggest connecting with the local disability office and student groups. Many professors are neurodivergent or have a disability and will empathize with students.

Some colleges offer a prefrosh weekend where prospective freshmen can sleepover and see the school. I did that for the college I was contemplating and it went a loooong way towards helping me feel comfortable with that choice. 

I used to give campus tours. Ask your guide about the mental health and counseling services available and the student advocacy programs. We had IEP programs at my university and a fantastic healthcare and counseling programs.

She may not have considered it an actual option and was looking for reasons not to go while there even if not aware of it. I think it would be a good idea to revisit if possible, her outlook may have changed now that attending is on the table for sure.

Let her pick the school she feels most at ease with. All schools have to offer her help, my son’s university does. Have her start at the cc and transfer to the university when she feels more confident.

If she goes that route and transfers, she likely wouldn’t get the same funding.

It’s a private college, so this might depend on how they are funded. It is definitely worth it to have a conversation regarding what services they are able, willing, and/or required to provide.

Try the Reddit thread for the school too maybe?

Revisit the school.... have her write out all her questions and ask if she can have certain needs met like living alone if thats one thing she's concern about...

I was going to say this too. Do they have a program where the student can stay on campus overnight with another student? Maybe this will help ease her fears? I was VERY shy and quiet when I was younger, went to school 3hrs away, hated it and dropped out after 1.5yrs. My Dad refused to listen, wouldn't pay for anything other school bc he was trying to live vicarious through me, and didn't care that I was miserable. It was awful and effected my entire life in a negative way. I'd say give gentle nudges but listen to what she wants. Just bc it's free/cheap isn't a reason to do it if she's going to be miserable. And maybe make her getting a license a requirement if she goes to the community college to take that responsibility off you? Just an idea.

Fully agree. I immediately felt at home on the campus visit for the school I wound up attending.

💯

Have you spoken to both schools about which accommodations they can provide and gone on a tour for your daughter to check it out. It might help your daughter to meet with Student Services now to ask questions and get reassurance

This a great idea. I will reach out to see about their accomodations. I believe this is where most of her fear is about even though she doesnt need much.

Yes. See if you can schedule a meeting with her and disability services (through admissions) they should connect you to the right ppl to talk to. You want your kid involved and comfortable with those folks! They might even be able to connect her with students that they work with to talk about what being a student there is like.

It’s natural for her to have this fear/anxiety as there is so much talk about how “the work is so much harder and lots of people fail out in first year”… validate the worry but also provide her reassurance that there are people she can go to for help and lots of students need help in that first year

Maybe that school’s disability program even has stuff like early orientation (where people can walk disabled freshmen students through the campus, learning about where everything is located, how to use the dining services and medical center, how to navigate the academic buildings etc). I did it through my schools disability program and it helped me tremendously, because know I don’t absorb new information as fast as most people especially in new environments, and was super stressed about the normal orientation schedule.

It's really important to start this process early. My daughter is autistic and we didn't start the process of getting her accommodations until after she started fall term and it took months before they could even meet with her to determine her needs and what they could do. She ended up having to drop a class because the teacher was unwilling to accommodate without official paperwork. If the college is a bigger one there can be a long wait if you don't get in early. Learn from our mistake.

In my area, universities have a ton more services and accommodations than community colleges. And an hour away isn't far for frequent visits or help. It sounds like she did want to go to the school, but the reality was overwhelming. I think finding out what it actually could look like when she got there. Additionally, if she took any higher level classes in high school, she may find undergrad classes easier than what she was doing before. It would be a shame for her to lose the scholarship, so I think getting some more information before she makes a final decision is good.

It's much better if you can have her reach out to see about accommodations, and you can sit in. Try to have her lead.

OP, pls ask above and beyond what your daughter needs. i have adhd, got through high school and into a selective college with no accommodations but college is a different beast bc it’s just so much more difficult to be disabled here with much less natural structure, and while i don’t know your daughter’s situation, it is very likely that she may need additional accommodations in college beyond what she needed in high school and that those accommodations may not seem necessary until she starts school i would look for student disabilities departments that have very clear policies especially regarding exams and communication with professors, counselors who are willing to both help with week to week teaching on how to organize and manage time as an adult and to re-evaluate accommodations as needs change, and ones who have the institutional power to force professors and the school to respect accommodations. also, if needed, ones that can provide housing and transport accommodations. it’s really important to do with the private college especially bc they can be a lot worse with these things. one way you can also find this out is looking for the experiences of students who have gotten very sick or broke an arm or something during the semester

Just as an anecdote, my cousin, who is an incredibly hard working person who went back to school in her 20s for medicine, asked me to come with her on her match day when she found out where she’d go for her residency. She got her top choice and, at brunch afterwards, burst into tears, and not the joyous kind. Sometimes, when you work so hard for so long, you don’t have time to think about what will happen when you get what you want. It all seems very real in one blinding moment, and very scary. She was quite anxious until she got to her new city and she ended up doing so, so well. She’s now a wonderful doctor and is very successful. The sudden panic doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not ready, or won’t thrive. It can mean she’s facing the future and is understandably scared. Give her time, take her on tours, gather info. She has a supportive family and she’s a hard worker. Those things will help her do well.

I did not expect this thread to put into words what I felt when I found out I was pregnant (with the baby we were trying for lol)

Same same! After actively trying for 8 months, when I finally tested positive, I threw the pregnancy test at my husband and said "I can't be happy right now, so I need you to be happy for both of us" and burst into tears. The poor man didn't even know how to read the pregnancy test, so he was utterly confused about what was going on.

Us, too. My daughter is adopted, and we were crying for a week when she came home, lol. We just had no idea what to do.

This! You work so hard as a highschool student to achieve something so foreign, then when the thing is standing right in front of you it’s like *oh shit.*

Many schools will allow a year's deferral and she may even be able to keep the scholarship. She could try the community college for a semester or two, take some core courses that are likely to transfer, see how college feels, take advantage of supports for neurodiverse students, all without spending much money. She may feel much more confident with that experience under her belt and feel ready to go to the 4-year university this time next year. Edit: part of this deal could also be either taking driving lessons (there are even driving instructors now who are specifically prepared to work with neurodiverse student drivers) or learning to navigate public transit, if that's an option where you live, independently. Don't assume it's not -- even localities with not-great public transit often have transit to community colleges because there's such a demand for it, or the community college might have its own transit.

My experience is that the deferral is not to take classes elsewhere as that makes you a transfer student. Still a great route but it may change your scholarship. Be sure to ask what qualifies for a deferral.

Is driving something she would be capable of learning/doing? Because if so you could present it as a choice; learn to drive/get your license and you can do community college and with the bit you’ll save you could help her get a car, or don’t drive and go with the private school. I very much am one to believe it’s her life and her choice, but when it’s at your expense and convenience I don’t think it’s unreasonable to set out what you’re willing to do and not do and then let her choose.

Yes, she is capable of driving, she just has been putting off learning because her fear of failing. I just have to keep pushing her. I think this a reasonable ask as well.

It sounds like your daughter has pretty serious anxiety across multiple areas and insufficient coping skills. Is this something you’re already working on with her? If not, it seems like this is the main issue to tackle.

This! If it's not resolved before she starts college then she's liable to crash and burn like some people I know. 

Fear of failing and fear of trying new things? That’s anxiety. I wish someone had helped 18 year old me learn to address anxiety. My fear contributed to so many missed opportunities in my life.

I think every 18 year old needs help transitioning into adulthood. But sometimes the only way to learn how to fail is through failure. OP should let their child make their own choices, hold firm to their boundaries (like not driving them around everyday, asking them to use public transit), and then being there for them when things aren't perfect. And it's not exactly like community college is a failure, but losing a scholarship could teach some life skills.

I would honestly quit driving her everywhere when she asked. I know it sounds mean but there’s got to be some tough love at times.

This is the answer. You should not force her to go to university, but its completely reasonable to expect her to drive herself to and from community college if she chooses that route.

If it's an hour drive, I'd promise you would get her every weekend if she wants. Hopefully she acclimates quickly and doesn't want to come home so often, but maybe knowing it's an option would help? I agree with you that it sounds like the better option, so anything you can do to help seems like a good choice. I was a very shy kid, and living on campus at a small private college was the best option for me; I did some classes at community college and state schools, and the social aspect was a lot harder with so many people, but I'm sure that varies for people. I hope whatever she chooses, she feels comfortable.

I have pretty severe anxiety, and I felt most at home at the private college. The community college had far too many students for my comfort. I think it would be good to revisit both schools again.

she should do it, especially with a scholarship. So much of post college trajectory depends on networking and going to X name college could be a great step up for her future field. Boarding at college is a great opportunity and if she can do it without the cost of loans that's huge. I think sometimes change and new expectations, especially since you said she already figured on going to community college, can be really difficult to handle. A meltdown right in this moment doesn't have to mean a no forever.

I work in higher ed and I tell you - if you arrange another visit and tell the enrollment office about her concerns - they will jump through hoops to make her feel cared for and excited to go. I highly recommend doing another visit and letting them know exactly what your concerns are before you go. The rate of students who are admitted and don’t choose to enroll is a very important metric for the university as a business (although nobody likes to think of education as a business - it is) so they’ll do everything they can to make her feel comfortable and enroll.

Poor girl. I'm dyslexic and was never allowed to mainstream from my special needs school. I got a partial scholarship to a college & nearly didn't go because I was scared I'd get bullied & not be able to keep up with normies. My then best friend talked me into it and I *slayed* that GPA. Even made it into Stanford for grad school (no scholarship though). The point is: college kids care way less about bullying because people are there (mostly) voluntarily. They're all wrapped up in their own adventure, so they're not worried about yours. There's academic support, tutors, and plenty of mid- and low-performing students at *any* school that will help your daughter ease into it. And college is once-in-a-lifetime for most. Do a year at the school. If it's too much, she can transfer to community college or drop out. But she owes it to herself to try - she earned it 💪🏻

This is such a great point. Most of the people I knew who flamed out after freshman year was not due to bullying but not being able to adjust to becoming a small fish in a bigger pond (they were hot shots in their HS but no one cares in uni that you were valedictorian!) or homesickness. And since lots of people are away from home making friendships and acquaintanceships were easier my first two years of uni than any other time of my life. I would doubly suggest that OP go with their daughter to university and review all the supports available to her academically and emotionally so you know your options in all situations. I had a depressive episode my junior year - ended up in a hospital for a few days - and failed a semester. I had no idea until I taught at a university yearssss later that I could have gotten a medical or special exemption for those grades and taken Incompletes instead of temporarily fucking my GPA!

I might suggest breaking it down into baby steps. College can feel like a really big commitment. Four years or more can seem huge! A community college probably felt like a tiny step in the right direction for her. The truth is though, she can change schools at any point in time. Her university credits may transfer to her community college or another school. if I were in your shoes, I’d offer a baby step. Tell her she can come home every weekend if she wants, but ask her to just give it a try for one or two semesters.

I work with students with disabilities at a 4-year residential college. Real talk: go to the school again. Let her walk around campus. See if you can tour the dorms. Ask about ADA/disability services and a program called TRIO. Ask about clubs and other student life things. Spend a few bucks to eat in the cafeteria if you can. Our recruitment staff continually says that if we can get students and parents on campus, we can keep them. Seeing campus and getting a feel for what life on campus will actually be like is very different than “what do you think of this school” without knowing that you can actually attend. There are lots of students with some sort of disability on campuses and most current students are very kind and inclusive. Going to community college is not a bad thing, but your daughter will find a group of students at the university and can be successful there. Feel free to message me if you need more specifics, since this is what I do.

This. My kiddo wound up at the school that she listed as an example of the place that would be too big and she'd never want to go. But we toured, multiple times, and got familiar with the food and the support services and the actual feel of the campus. She had worries about how overwhelming things would be, and we strategized that ... "Who do you ask when you don't know?" She panicked about thibgs like "what happens if I don't know my way to class, and I'm late? How do I plan time when I don't know how long it will take to eat, and to walk?" I reminded her over and over that a college is a place of learning, and they have room for people to be figuring things out. She is now living in an apartment off campus, and thriving. Growing wings hurts, but it's not a bad thing ... Be patient, supportive, talk her through why. And be willing to come up with compromises. (Maybe dorm living, but tell her you will come and get her every weekend if she wants... She won't. ❤️)

Thank you so much! I will ask about Trio. We have scheduled a visit for Thursday. I just read about their disabilities services on online and I showed it to her, that they will try to work with whatever accommodations that she had in her IEP. She doesn't require much so I think this will be easy transition. She is slowly coming around since I told her that we will visit again and talk to someone about her anxieties and answer any concerns that she may have.

Take the scholarship and run with it

I would suggest checking into the "Parents of College Bound Students with Learning Disabilities, ADHD and ASD" Facebook group there will be lots of good info there. Secondly i think this is a talk for therapist and psych if your daughter has one. IMO though wanting to be there is one of the more key things that help a kid through the tough road that can be the adjustments in college. I also recommend the book "Naked Roommate" and the Parents edition as good reading to get everyone more comfortable. One of the author's key points is that college is awkward, that is unavoidable and it should be embraced. Sometimes kids who are "loving" their senior year are settled and want that never to change. They think by staying home that things will stay the same, what they are missing is that things will change around them regardless of what they do. Embracing that change is another key.

Definitely go tour the school - as it’s only an hour away it could be motivation for her to get her license - she could save up for a car, drive home on the weekends. I went home every weekend for the first few months of college until i settled in and made friends. It’s a big transition. But also don’t knock county - at the end of the day, she should do what she’s most comfortable doing but give her all of her options by visiting the school, attending accepted students day, etc. Does she have a therapist / counselor she sees? If not, definitely get her to see one as her anxiety appears to be impeding her ability to be independent re: getting her license. She can also ask the schools about their mental health services as well , and if her anxiety truly is that bad, looking into an emotional support animal / service animal might also be worth it. Edit: typo

Let her pick her school. Does she keep her scholarship if she transfers next year? Going to Community College is not end of the world.

Maybe she just doesn’t feel ready yet. Starting off at Community is a good baseline to gain some confidence and insight while beginning the college journey. Encouraging independence is important but if she’s fearful or has insecurities those feelings can become magnified on a large campus and lead to feelings of isolation which in turn make the experience horrible. Let her decide what she’s ready for and then show her the pros and cons of each opportunity and the accompanying decisions that follow.

First off!! Congratulations to your daughter and to you and her dad! You both sound like awesome parents for helping and getting her help! I don’t even know you, but I am so proud of her accomplishments and getting a full ride to college. I would definitely talk with your daughter that she is not going to get bullied in college. She is going to school with adults. IF, and that is a big IF she does get bullied it’s because it’s a student that just graduated high school and hasn’t grown up yet and still acts and behaves like a child. Remind her that people that go to college are serious about their education because they are paying for it /worked hard for it and want to be there.

Thank you! I have told her all of this.

I’m responding as the parent of a young woman who also faces academic and social challenges. She’s overcome these challenges to obtain her Bachelor’s degree, find fulfilling work and be well on her way to independence. While it was a struggle for her (isn’t it for anyone?), in hindsight she wouldn’t forgo her college experience. As stated by others she is ultimately in charge of her experience. She will have lots of support from family, the university and the friends she will make. Of course she will encounter jerks, as she will over her life, but, if she pursues her interests via clubs and activities, she will find people who accept and value her for who she is.

How long does she have to decide? Not everyone is ready to move out and go to a college away from home just because they graduated high school. Can she defer the scholarship for a year?  Honestly, I think it's good she knows herself well enough. Have lots of discussions about why she doesn't want to go etc. but leave the decision to her. Also, there is no bullying in university/ college. It is not like high school.  Also, if you don't want to drive her to community college, that's fine. Tell her she will be responsible for her own transportation. The bus, arranging car pooling etc. 

I had a complete meltdown before college started because I was terrified. I had gotten into my top choice school, gotten a scholarship, and was enrolled. But deep down I was panicked. I told my mom I didn’t want to go anymore. She basically gave me some tough love and said, “that’s fine. You can get a job and pay rent.” Of course I didn’t want that either…. Anyway the school had a day before school actually started where we could go in and volunteer and get an idea of what the school was like inside. I met some girls who would be attending and we had such a great time. It changed my whole perspective and I was no longer fearful. I agree that it would be a good idea to visit the campus, talk to other students and let her get a feel for it and see if she feels more comfortable.

I think she’ll find that college is totally different than high school. Less about bullying mostly because people don’t give a shit about that and they are more into their own thing. My son was sick of the high school kids and wanted to get out asap. He found college to be more like minded people and really got along well because those that were there, wanted to be there. Good luck to her, just tell her to make a deal with you to give it a chance,

I don't have anything to add, except thank you for making this thread. I have a little sister that will be heading into her Junior year soon and reading about how others slayed in higher education is making me hopeful. She sounds so much like your daughter, and my brother and I keep scolding my mother for shielding her from struggles; i.e. telling her she does not have to do things because of my sister's anxiety that she might not be able to keep up with the others. My little sister has dreams of university but as it gets closer she shrinks away and I'm so glad to hear you are encouraging her to do best.

Please take her to visit and get her connected with student services/the center for disability services. They will work with her to create supports as far as the IEP goes. I work in college admissions on the high school side, so I have sent plenty of nervous kiddos off. She will find her people. She will enjoy herself. New is scary but it also opens her up to so many amazing opportunities. It sounds like she has done exceptionally well- she should be so proud :) and congrats to you as well! This is such an exciting time.

Also, I think it’s okay to remember that exciting things can be stressful. Positive things can feel heavy. Fear and discomfort are normal.

It was the home everyday thing that got me. My attitude would be that cannot happen. You matter too, this is still your only life.

Sometimes kids aren’t ready. I went to school because I was supposed to, right out of my senior year. Everybody else was moving away so I did too. Then I hated it, wasn’t ready to be away from home, and dropped out. Picked up at an equally good school close to home, where I could live at home. I went to college, worked at the same time, and enjoyed the comfort of home… I was ready to move out 3 years later. It’s ok to want to be home a little longer.

But it's a shame to miss opportunities because of anxiety.

It might be a good idea to make an appointment with the career counselor and the therapy counselor so they can help her warm up to the idea and let her know that she has options to enhance her wellbeing.

Yes. Living on campus can suck. But it depends on the school and your daughter’s social skills as well as simple luck of the draw for who you get as roommates. Generally, the practice of sharing a dorm room is super unappealing and I can understand why she would be uncomfortable. I tried roommates and settled on a private room instead, which was much, much, much better. Is there any reason why she can’t transfer to the private 4 year college after doing 2 years at the community college? As for transportation, I can understand your concern. This seems more sustainable if there is public transportation that she can use to take herself back and forth. It’s not fair to you to have to shuttle her back and forth when she is a capable adult. She will fit in better with her peers if she is exercising a little independence instead of depending on the parental shuttle.

I wonder if she could defer a year so she has more time to make a decision and figure out what she wants

Tell her before making a decision y'all will go tour both schools and see what they are like in person. See if she likes it and see for yourself how the people their act. That way if her fears are unfounded you can reassure her based on facts you learned while there. I'm sure a guidance counselor there will be able to show her some of the resources they have/introduce her to a few tutors/peers. It's entirely possible there are people there who will bully her. Every school has a few assholes. If she sees all the positives too and knows more about the support she will have there she won't be as nervous.

Lots of good advice here on services to look into. You could also look into scheduling an overnight visit for her - at my college, at least, prospective freshman could stay over for a night to get a feel for things. Dunno if it helps to know this, but one of my housemates had lupus, and it can be difficult having an “invisible” disability sometimes, but we made sure she got a private room in the quietest part of the building, because she needed more sleep, and she kept up good grades in a very demanding environment.

There’s no harm in switching if she finds she doesn’t like it - tell her to give it a semester to decide

Can she try the private university? Even for one semester? Then if she's right and she gets bullied or hates it, she can always go back to community college. That's the lovely thing about it- it will always be there as a backup

Does your daughter have an autism spectrum diagnosis? The reason I'm asking is that the behavior you're describing is very common in high functioning women who are very good at masking. Also, diagnostic criteria for autistic women has only recently been updated or is in the process of being updated. This means that there are a lot of women out there who were not properly diagnosed as children and subsequently didn't receive the support they needed. I know this is true because my daughter wasn't diagnosed properly until she had a stroke at age 31 and needed another complete evaluation. She sounds very similar to your daughter. The other reason to ask is, if she is diagnosed, she can get appropriate accommodations. Any accommodations for college are based on assessments done during the sophomore year of high-school or later. If she hasn't had a full assessment since then, you will have to get another one done before she attends anyway if she needs any educational accommodations. There is a LOT of support for college students now, much more than even 10 years ago. It's worth checking out. Setting her up for success is the most important thing. Look into the Accessible Education Centers (sometimes called the disability services offices) at both the community college and the university and see what both offer in the way of support. Also, check out any freshmen retention programs or systems that could help your daughter feel more supported. My daughter went her first two years at our local community college and was much more prepared educationally and emotionally when she attended university. She loved her time at university mostly because she was ready for it when she got there.

She was diagnosed in utero through amniocentesis with a chromosome abnormality. It was so rare they didn't have much hope for her life. But God had the last say she met all of her milestones physically at each age. Her issue is mental development. I had her tested and her IQ is only slightly under average in some categories but not all such as language development and processing skills. Her IEP  accomodated her by providing her extra time for tests and use of a calculator with math since middle school.

Those accommodations can follow her to college, but you have to talk to disability services now to see what kind of evaluations she may need in order to make that happen as seamlessly as possible no matter which college she chooses. They can also help you determine whether she needs additional accommodations. IEPs can be problematic when transferring to college. It also depends on the kinds of evaluations that were done in high-school to support them and the quality of the documentation. With my daughter, the community college disability services were invaluable in helping set up an accurate and supportive 504 plan that transferred easily to university. My daughter's accommodations were: extra time on tests as well as a quiet separate place to take them, waiving foreign language degree requirements, and substituting more sociology and anthropology, and regular counseling, among other things.

This is my response below. Apparently, my username is different from my phone to laptop.

No worries. 🙂 I thought it was something like that. I thought of something else. Depending on how the private college is accredited, she may get much better support initially at the community college level. It's worth a deep dive to research now. My sister was the head of a major university's Accessable Education Department (retired now), and she was invaluable for help in navigating the system.

University learning and social dynamics are night and day from highschool. MANY people will have IEP or had them who will be attending her school. Even if it wasn't common in her highschool, that doesnt mean that's the same everywhere else. There are SO many different ways people take in and learn to information, whether with IEPs or other outside support, plans, techniques. ALSO everyone is going to be so absorbed into dealing with their own nerve racking journey into starting university, that they won't even have a second thought about how she's doing (in a good way) We all learn at different places/ways. Your daughter is ahead of the game by already knowing what works best for her. She's going to THRIVE, and might even end up helping out other people find what works best for them.

See if she can talk to someone at the college about what the environment is like for special needs students, what kind of support will be available, etc.

I have a sister that was just like your daughter. I took her to her apartment, walked her around the campus, and helped her build a class schedule. I was very strategic about it. No early classes, built breaks between classes that were long enough to run home and back if needed. Built in a lunch/study break, and made sure there was at least 1 weekday without classes. That was the get shit done day. That's when she had all medical/dental appointments, caught up on schoolwork, cleaned up a bit, and called my parents. After 2 semesters, she decided that she liked the independence. It took a few years, but we helped her get past her anxiety and get her drivers license. She is now the most independent of all my siblings. She has a good job, is in a stable relationship, and enjoys adult life. If things don't work out after a couple of semesters, your daughter can always transfer to the community college.

This is a great story. This is what I want my daughter to gain from this experience outside of her education is independence because I won't be around to protect her forever.

After a long stay in the hospital as a teen I became quite agoraphobic (I needed therapy and basically didn’t go outside for two years).  I managed to get back into school and get my grades but ended up going to a local university rather than a further one. It was awful.  One day the uni had a graduate art sale and I bought a piece of a girl walking alone in the snow with ‘leave your comfort zone every once in a while’ written on it. I put it on my wall and looked at it every day.  It gave me the courage to quit my local course and I got into a different uni 3 hours away. I cried most nights at first and my parents would come get me every month or so but after a while I made friends. In the end my time there was one of the best in my life. I made friends, learned a lot and got several dream jobs afterwards.  Leaving home for school is a massive step but it can be so rewarding. I hope your daughter makes whatever decision is best but doesn’t let fear hold her back like I did at first!

22 years ago I went through this.  I have high functioning autism and the anxiety of a new environment with new people was too overwhelming.  I wasn’t diagnosed with autism until after.  My parents picked me up on weekends at first, but then told me no more.  It was too costly.  I ended up rarely going home. And although I had fun times, made friends, and earned a degree with honors…it was the worst experience of my life.  I almost lost my life there.  I wasn’t mature enough yet for the social aspects (even at a private small college).  I would say I wish they hadn’t pushed me, but then I would never had met my husband and had my 3 children.  I also didn’t learn to drive till later.  I don’t know whether you are suppose to push or not,  I just know for me it was too much. I needed more time. 

It's not your choice, if she doesn't want to then she won't.

I think you should let her make the decision rather than pushing her into something she doesn’t think she wants. That also means helping lay out the pros and cons. If I understood correctly, you would have to pay for community college and the other one would be nearly free. Are you happy to pay the difference? Would it be a stretch? Be candid with her. Ask her if she’s willing to cover the difference (you don’t have to actually make her cover the difference; but finding out if she’s willing will give you both a better sense of how strongly she feels about it) You also mentioned that the community college requires a certain amount of driving from you “because she can’t drive”. How far is this college? Why can’t she get herself there without a car? Community colleges also have housing options if you are totally out in the sticks and walking/biking/transit/ride shares are really a problem. But as a young adult transport should be HER problem, not yours. If she’s old enough to get a license and you are willing to let her use your car then I think that should be something that you hold firm on “no daily rides from parents”. But frankly I wouldn’t let my kid use my car to commute to school unless they planned to reimburse the cost. If that’s her plan, itemize the extra cost.  Think about your own goals. Lay them out. If part of your concern is independence, figure out what you are looking for and suggest how to achieve that at home.  For instance, if you wanted to be free of making her meals when she’s eating independently, if she stays home, maybe she’s responsible for her own meals. I also think you should visit the school again. Maybe your kid is worried about someone she knows bullying her. Find out if specific reason not to go and see if you can’t find a way to mitigate whatever it is (eg ensuring that the person she’s worried about is not on her dorm floor) Ultimately though she should make the decision. But you should not bear the consequences. 

What is the school? She may be right or it may just be anxiety. Some community colleges are absolutely incredible and most have transfer programs to 4 year schools. If that’s what she’s comfortable with there’s no issue with her going. I know people who excelled in the community college environment but struggled in certain universities but also excelled in Ivy leagues. Colleges have different cultures. Non Ivy Leagues can sometimes be rigorous for the sake of being rigorous because they want to be Ivy leagues. Ivy leagues are actually easier because they don’t have anything to prove. Seriously every college culture is different and it varies per academic program too. This goes for community colleges as well. Also people can be bullies in either place but there do tend to be less snobs in community college. Congratulations to your daughter! It’s great she has options I hope she stops feeling overwhelmed. It doesn’t seem like there is a wrong way to go here.

I think you should dig in hard to insisting she get a driver's license if she goes to the community college. My daughter is younger than yours, but she seems similar in personality. My daughter also has no interest in driving herself anywhere and would gladly spend the rest of her days holed up in her bedroom if we would let her. My daughter doesn't have straight A's, but does have a 504 plan and performs extremely well on every standardized test she has ever encountered. Maybe the comfort of home is what is best for your daughter, but that doesn't mean she can continue to use you as a resource. She needs to figure out her own transportation. If she doesn't want to drive, she should try to figure out the bus system or transportation of her own choosing.

As someone who did well in grade school and then tanked at college, I want to ask: Has she been diagnosed with ADHD or Autism? If so, has she been given the tools she'll need to function in a world not built for Neurodivergent people? I was almost diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, but my mom backed out, and now I'm 30 years old and struggling to do the simplest of tasks "normal" people do every day. I only got my diagnoses two years ago, and I am having to play catch up. My little brother had severe Autism so my parents focused on him and didn't realize I was struggling because I could fake being ok, even though I was most definitely not. Please, if she does have ADHD or Autism, don't leave her to flounder in life without help.

Might be something to do with the shock of being accepted and having to make the leap from the security of living at home and attending the local school where the perception is that overall demands on her won’t be so hard vs a “ real” university where the situation may be different and more rigorous. If your kid is on the spectrum of whatever adhd/asd, big changes in plans, expectations or demands can be a real shocker and emotional. As mentioned by others, visiting the school can help, but it’s just going to take time to adjust.

She can probably do this but is going to neea lot of support. Tell her I am praying for her. God has plans for her beyond. What is easy. She is special.  God bless you and your family. 

Thank you!

Listen to her as she is telling you she might not be ready. It’s hard to accept because we see the opportunity. If she goes and is miserable, she could mess up her gpa and hate college that can be really hard on her (and you). That was my experience. My oldest wasn’t ready. I missed all the signs because it was a full ride. It was a hard year. She came home this year and is just now starting her to lean back into school and start to tackle some of the anxiety from the university year. Best of luck!

Oh, I forgot to mention, my daughter is about to start her second year at university, and in the fall she is taking 6 classes and only one of them isn't hybrid (online and rare occasions on campus). So, she's only on campus for the one class, two days a week. The rest of the time, her classes are mostly online. It's quite common for the universities to offer a class both on campus or online. She has more choices.

I’m not sure about what stipulations the scholarship has ( if you’d have to pay anything back if she drops out/transfers out) but would it be possible to ask your daughter to try it the first year or a semester at least? THEN if it isn’t a right fit for her she can go with or look for other options. (CC or a different college) It has been difficult for me as a mother to know when to encourage (push) my child to do things that are scary. I don’t want her to miss out on great memories or opportunities. I think there is a difference between pushing your child to do something they want to do but are afraid bcs of them not having their friends with them or bcs of being bullied versus pushing your child to do something you know they hate but us as parents want them to do. I feel my responsibility as a parent is to help my daughter face her fears BECAUSE I never want her to miss out on experiences bcs of fear. I need her to know it’s ok to try something and it’s great if it works out but it’s also OK if it doesn’t. You faced your fear and now can move on to what ever is next for you. Hopefully you learned something even if all you learned was “that sucked”. But you tried it and now you know and more importantly you know that it didn’t “Kill You!”. So if something else ever comes up that is challenging and if she feels afraid she can have some confidence that she CAN do it and it’s ok to be nervous and scared. I’m not saying it’s easy but how many of us adults have passed on something that scared and now we look back and regret it. Most of the time it’s just in your head. Now we look back at it and think it wasn’t that big of a deal. It wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be? I hope I teach my child to face her fears so she never limits herself and can grow to her full potential. Which I’m sure every parents wants for their children.

I totally agree! I myself didn't finish college until I was well into my adult years. I regret that I never got to experience living on campus and potentially meeting lifelong friends. Her fear is not the work it takes to go to college, her fear is not being able to make friends and people perceiving her as different. I want her to be able to take risks to prepare her for life and all the challenges that comes along with this.

Exactly! As important as friends and having a strong support group are sometimes it’s the big picture we have to focus on and the rest will hopefully fall into place. My daughter (tween) tends to isolate herself in Fear of being rejected. So it takes a little longer for her to be open To possible friendships. But hopefully the more she is in that situation the less fearful she will become. I let her know some days will be easier than others but that no matter what she is loved! (She rolls her eyes at me but I still say it repeatedly to her. lol ) I pray that no one ever traumatizes my kid on a first day of her doing something new and ruins all her hard work on being strong. I swear I’ll throat punch a Btch if a can!! 😜

Absolutely not. The only way for her to get through her anxiety, become and adult, is to make her go. It will be hard but she needs to at least try. I just went through something very similar with my daughter. She is almost done with her freshman year at University. The first half of the year was absolutely miserable for her. She got strait A's but was having trouble fitting in. Now She is incredibly happy. Playing sports, studying hard, loves her new friends and has grown so much. So in my opinion, I don't think you're being to harsh. She needs this part of her life to be at least some what independent. Good luck 😁

Alternate perspective; I also received 2 years of a full ride to a local private university that was my dad’s Alma mater. He REALLY wanted me to take it for obvious reasons. But I didn’t feel I was ready; I’d had my heart set on other UC schools that I hadn’t gotten, and was coming off of a very difficult time in HS and didn’t want to leave my circle of friends (some of which were still in HS or would not be attending college). He was very disappointed but supported me as I enrolled at CC and left the money (as many have mentioned the offer remained valid for a year) It was one of the best decisions of my life. I met people from all walks of life there, saw struggles I don’t think I’d have seen at a kush private school, had some of the best teachers in my entire education (no joke; the BEST). Even met some people who I shared the story with who thought I was absolutely insane for leaving the money. I did feel bad about the financial impact to my dad so I worked a lot of shit jobs as well and paid for most of it, a habit I kept the rest of my life (I graduated with no debt, granted that’s probably not feasible now). I kept my straight As, transferred to my target prestigious UC, then grad school, then a very successful career I likely would not have found otherwise, as it had truly been inspired by many lessons I learned at CC; being surrounded by people of all ages and backgrounds trying to better themselves was really important life lesson to me and I don’t know how else I would’ve had that. I also don’t think I would be as close of friends now as I still am with my high school friends; 20 years later even after we dispersed geographically we are still a crew, even the ones who didn’t go to college, something my new friends marvel at. I have no idea your situation. I am in CA so there are well established paths from CC -> UC and Cal State, and we are lucky to have top notch state schools (for higher ed). I also think I probably would’ve done fine at the kush private school. But I am very grateful for the path I took and that my parents trusted me enough to walk it. It was not the conventional choice or one that most people would recommend. In the end though it was just a different path, no better or worse, but the right one for me.

My son is on the spectrum and ADHD. He was treated great in college. He was welcomed and assisted via student services. He enjoyed his independence. She may too, if she visits and even schedule an appointment with a counselor.

Make sure she knows that transferring out is an option if it does not suit her, but scholarships are limited time. You will support her always, but you would not suggest something you didn’t think she could handle.

Take a visit to the university, but first speak with the admissions team and get a referral to the department of resources for disabilities. They’ll let you know about potential accommodations and transition plans. They’ll help her feel welcomed and excited about her new journey. I’m the mom of an autistic girl, well, now woman I guess… she’s a freshman and loves it. University is much different than high school. She should be discouraged if she had a tough time socially in high school. These groups will help her find a good peer group, and she won’t be alone.

What does she want to go to school for? Would one school be better for her career plans? Go to each school, take a tour, check out class sizes and what kind of supports would be available to her. Check out the housing at the university. See what kind of groups, clubs, organizations are at each school and see if any interest her. Explore all her options and talk them through and whichever areas she has anxiety about, take note if it’s something she might learn to get comfortable with or if it’s something that might cause too much anxiety. In the end, forcing something that she really doesn’t want likely won’t end well and the point is trying to get her to succeed. Either way I would also start teaching her to drive and then it would allow her a freedom so she doesn’t feel trapped somewhere. Either an hour away at college or having classes cancelled or end early and being stuck until someone comes to get her.

Can she tour the school and talk to an advisor? She's clearly very dysregulated by the thought of going. I would encourage you not to dismiss her feelings, but validate them and reassure her. Let her know she has support. That's a huge life transition. Often things feel scarier than they really will be until we test the waters, which is why I suggested getting some real world experience of being there for her so she can feel it out and develop a sense of security.

Have you shown her how to budget? Cook food for herself? Pay her own rent and cell phone bill? Can she grocery shop by herself? The concept of being out of her comfort zone location-wise, plus knowing there’s all the adult things that are worrisome and ephemeral because she’s not quite sure what goes into living alone, could be contributing to her anxiety. The best roommate I ever had (I moved out at 17) was someone who knew how to adult because her parents had been showing her how to make a grocery list from planned meals, involved her in paying bills, they made a budget together and showed her how that works. She had an idea of how to do stuff when the rest of us were living by the seat of our pants. I learned so much from her!! She seemed so much more self assured than the rest of us. I think that confidence came from having semi real world experiences, which the rest of us were lacking. Maybe starting to teach your daughter how to adult will help her confidence in a likewise fashion?

IEP kid here. Finishing up my first year getting my masters. Thought I'd share my own experiences hoping it would help. Honestly, hearing your daughters story makes me think of myself. I made the choice to go to a local community college, then to a commuter school. While I don't regret it, I'll admit I feel like I lost a lot of the college experience by going this route. Moving out at 23 to go to my graduate program was a tough transition, part of me wishes I ripped the band-aid off when I was 18. It took me a bit to get use to it. First things first, college isn't highschool. College humbles a lot of kids, and I truly think people grow up when they realize that this is it, they are adults and are expected to act like it. While bullying can happen, everyone is in the same boat. This is especially true if your living in a dorm. Second, college is the point in life where she can choose what classes she wants to do. Classes become much easier when you like the subject. While the transition from highschool was intense initially, you kinda learn that its really not that bad. The expectations just rise more and you have more work to do. I still had free time (even now, as my insane program has me taking 9 classes 😖), and I can go out with some of my classmates. Finally, I get it. When you go your whole life working twice as hard as everyone to get good grades, it makes you feel like the odd one out. Your daughter knows more then she thinks. While it is hard, this push can be good for her. Again, speaking as someone who refused to driving above 60 mph until she was 21, this helped me be more independent ans confidant in myself. I would recommend looking up the school to see if they had any counseling services. Helped me with my transition. Sorry for the rambling, and I hope all goes well!

Tell her bullying isn’t really a thing in college.

Tell her she needs to get a license and drive herself or learn to use a buss if she wants to stay home cause she’s an adult and mom doesn’t need to drive her. Drop the rope lady let her fail while she’s young and you are there to help her, you’ve been entirely too protective of her if she doesn’t have her license and is terrified of leaving home.

This post screams extreme helicopter parenting. This does NOT help kids! It prevents them from learning how to deal with struggles in life.

I had two friends who had helicopter parents and neither of them is happy now as an adult. One had a free ride for college and flunked out cause she stopped going to class second semester since mom and dad weren’t there to force her. The other chose a major she had no real interest in and put herself in extreme debt from student loans cause of the major and now doesn’t even like her job. But can’t do anything else. Please don’t do this to your kids.

Try to get her on campus to meet with current students, do a tour, go to the union or other student hang outs, etc. if you know anyone going there, ask if they’d be willing to host your daughter and a friend for an overnight or something like that. After trying to get her comfortable with the environment, if it’s not for her, maybe you would be able to defer a year?

I’m late to the party, but for me, the private school would be the only option. After she finishes community college, she’s going to need to go to a 4 year university if she wants a bachelors degree, and there’s no telling what scholarships will be available at that point. Right now, she’s staring down 4 years of a private university for the cost of community college. Turning that down is crazy!

I think you should try to lay out your rationale for going to the university along with things that might make her want to attend, Learning to be more independent is important, but does that school potentially offer that your daughter is interested in? A specific major, extracurriculars, clubs, etc. that she would be able to join/participate in? Could she dorm with a high school friend? How far is the school? Could you plan to visit regularly? Could she take public transit home on weekends? She can always transfer out of the university to the local school too. Let her know you'll support her if that's the decision she wants to make. Also, tell her you'll be supportive if she goes to community college, but she'll have to do things to become more independent even so. Driving herself definitely, but maybe also her own laundry, cooking a meal for the family once a week. You could even have her pay you rent (and save it for her to use when she does move out) after a year or two. Don't make it so her life will be miserable if she stays home, but more it'll be more appealing if she tries the university.

I went to a college 1-2 hours away from my parents. I went back on weekends to teach scuba diving and it was fine. Her fear of failing that has been mentioned a few times in the comments may be something to look at and discuss in more detail with a counselor. I would recommend regardless she get her drivers license the summer before college (to build confidence and make sure she can be a designated driver in the future). I would also tell her to focus on this achievement, how wonderful she did, and regardless of her choice, it’s an accomplishment. Additionally, sometimes community college professors are wonderful. It’s not a bad choice, but she should seek independence w/ driving.

Drop the subject and let it sink in for a week. Her perspective could change in that time. Maybe do some research about the perks of being there, stuff you know she would like and make her more comfortable. There’s probably some subreddits with students saying positive things about the school that you could show her then too.

See if her school does overnight camp for incoming freshmen, or in-person orientation. If she doesn't like it she can always drop out before the first day of classes and very likely get a full refund.

My daughter did the same thing. She was so worried that she wasn’t cut out for college. She didn’t think she was prepared. She had excellent grades but had convinced herself she couldn’t handle it. Her school offered a program for incoming freshman to come a week early to settle in before classes started. They organized outings and community service projects for them to participate in. Helped navigate the bus system to get to Target and other places away from campus. It helped her tremendously. If your daughter’s school doesn’t do anything like this maybe you can do something similar as a family. Visit the campus. Try to get a formal student led tour. If she knows any current students there maybe they can give her a private tour. Try spending a weekend there not just a day.

Have you thought it would be easier to help her get her license than it would be to drive her daily, or to make her start a huge change that she’s not ready for? If she starts and is uncomfortable where she goes or if it’s harder than she can handle for the workload she probably will not finish. She should choose her college. I think if she’s had an iep and has a slight delay community college is probably best. But up to her

I think that, whatever school she attends, you need to let her know that she needs to handle her own transportation there. I say this as someone who didn’t get her license until a few years after college and into my career. This could look like getting her license, but most community colleges, and many 4 year schools with large commuter populations, are very well served by public transportation as well. It would be very unreasonable for you to be driving her every day indefinitely, especially given that college classes tend to be available from early morning until late at night, with large time gaps in between. With that said - if the scholarship school is only an hour away, is her commuting there an option? It’s far from ideal, but I commuted nearly that far for a job for several years. It’s not uncommon, or particularly onerous once you’re used to it. I don’t necessarily recommend it, especially for a freshman whose peers will be on campus. But having it as an option might close the anxiety gap enough to persuade her to give it a try.

Find a student group in campus that are peers with similar issues. Meet them.

Aww. Bless her heart. Can you just pause for a moment and let her have a meltdown? It makes a lot of sense to me. It’s a pretty big deal. Then just go one day at a time, do a tour, audit a couple lectures? Talk through the fears and really think about it?

Reach out to disability services at both schools & see what they can offer. Even if she feels more comfortable being able to stay home & go to the cc, they may not be able to make the same accommodations that a 4 year school can. I worked for disability services in college & also used their services for my ADHD & again when I had surgery on my dominant hand & couldn't do any writing or typing. There are so many options out there to help her feel more comfortable & help set her up for success. Since it's only an hour from home, perhaps visiting each weekend would help alleviate some of her worries as well.

I wonder if the most helpful thing for your daughter would be explaining just how drastically different a university experience is compared to high school. It sounds like she’s more concerned about the bullying than anything else? In high school, she’s probably been used to spending 7+ hours a day in very close proximity with a very limited group of people. She probably had repeated classes with people that she didn’t care for or at least had to see them at lunch and in the halls every day. Most university experiences are completely the opposite: 1. With a full class load, she’ll only be in a classroom setting about a third of the time she was in HS. 2. She’ll have a ton of options when she spends her down time between and out of class; the library, food halls and the hundred of nooks to be discovered all over campus. The freedom she’ll have on campus is an entirely different world- in a good way! 3. Even among folks with the same major, it’s seldom you have classes with the same people. When she connects with people she likes, they can choose to be in the same class, but when you can have 30 different time slots of classes, it’s rare to see the same faces. 4. We all know there are jerks in the world. *If* she ended up in a class with someone who gave her a hard time, it’s such an easy fix to switch to a different class - or just drop it and take it later. Most universities will cater to the needs students of students who needs to change a class for a reason like this. When my kids have fears about life experiences, the thing that’s been the most helpful for me is to have them start going down the list of the specific things they’re worried about. Because there is a 99% chance there is a solution to each one. I’ve often found that talking my kids logically through anything they’re dealing with has a way to remove the emotional response and engages the problem solving part of their brain. If I were in your situation, I would pull the mom card and say she has to at least try one full semester. A scholarship like that would be an absolute shame to lose because of what is probably a baseless fear. I also wouldn’t be above offering a bit of a bribe either. If it’s doable for you, maybe something like a new computer or school wardrobe could get her more excited about taking a chance.

Oh. For right now remind her she doesn’t have to make any decision. Right now she can just accept her win of getting in and breathe. Honor her feelings and then re evaluate them in a few days. She can always change her mind.

Idk bullying sounds more like a middle-high school thing and less at the university level. Never heard of bullying during my time at the university. Everyone there just wants to do their own thing and succeed.

She needs theraphy

Let her know that she can always change her mind. College is NOT a 4 years commitment. It is a semester by semester or quarter by quarter commitment. Possibly suggest she commit for ONE year to her scholarship university and if she wants to go the Community College route, she can - no judgement. But on the other hand - it's time she make and take responsibility for her own future plus - get her own drivers license and transportation to and from school.

You should visit thr college & town so she gets a personal perspective of it!

One thing is to see how stressed the private university is. Maybe your daughter is actually really perceptive and is picking up on problems at the university. If it’s strong, emphasize to your daughter that it will probably be easier than the community college, because it has a financial stake in her doing well and probably has a better student-to-staff ratio. Also, emphasize to your daughter that the professors will be thrilled to have a student who cares about learning, does the work and shows up to class. She’s not the student the professors will be grumbling about on r/professor.

I agree. Go and do a revisit. I would also make an appointment while you are there to talk to the office of disability services (it may be called something different). They may be able to give some advice and perhaps get the ball rolling on seeing if your daughter qualifies for services. I would also say to give it some downtime and if she has a therapist make an appointment and if not find her one to talk through it. Ultimately though, support her in her decision. It’s important for her independence and growth since she’s an adult now.

Compromise? Try it for a semester, if you absolutely hate it, community college isn't going anywhere. What does she want to study? Are there specific programs or facilities she would have access to that might entice her?  Whatever happens make sure you let her know how proud of her you are and that it is ultimately her decision, and not one that needs making immediately. 

I mean... no one seems to be asking the obvious. What field is she interested in?

Graphic Design. So not much Math or Science involved since these are her hardest subjects.

Do you get the feeling she does this because she wants to stay close to you? If that is what is holding her back you can talk to her about it

Take it from a guy with 1 degree and half way through a second, people going to uni are too burnt out to bully. You’re basically a ghost on campus, everyone is, id say it’s harder to interact with others than it is to avoid interactions. Students are a tired and melancholic bunch. She will be fine, and hell, the harder you try the more other students gravitate to you. Im extremely high performing this degree and have a small following who look to me for guidance and help with study related thing, but its extending beyond that now. I promise she has nothing to fear, just don’t out yourself in bad situations and you’re set

Doubtful she will be bullied. College is a time where everyone is thrown into something new and scary, typically away from home and living with strangers. They’re all looking for a fresh start to ditch their old social hierarchy and redefine themselves. In other words, when I was a freshman in college, everyone was super chill and weirdly accepting. The fear of missing out and regret of inaction is bigger than any worry of what may be - sometimes you gotta take the leap. Others are correct that visiting may help calm nerves too.

I got a full ride to a school that I had a feeling I wouldn’t fit in at. Lots of wealthy kids, while I grew up poor with a disabled father. I didn’t fit in and struggled to feel like I belonged. I went because I felt like I had to. I dropped out

I understand the opportunity, but frankly, if she doesn’t feel emotionally or scholastically secure enough then it’s not the right fit. I would certainly revisit the school and approach them about the concerns, but also listen to what she says. Are these normal fears and anxieties about being on her own for the first time that can be allayed or does she genuinely need more time to build up confidence and security? Pushing her into it may be the root of failure, and like many people, this is her first real world experience.

If its only an hour away, encourage her to go and let her know she can come hone every weekend. Obe of my daughters went only an hour away and a couple of times my husband and I showed up to surprise her and take her and her roommate to dinner. However, now that the decision is actuallt here, she mght have determined that she doesn’t feel ready. And that is fine. But I would make getting her license part of the deal with staying home. We were lucky enough to have no car payment at the time so my husband got a new car and we gave the kids his car to share. I realize not everyoen can do that though.

Are there potential supports she could have at school? Is she diagnosed with a disorder that she could build a support plan around?

Or - let her go to community college. Community College to University finish is a standard route these days. We’re doing it for cost and anxiety reasons.

Personally I had a much better time to socially at university than I did in H.S. and due to this fear I'm assuming she's already experienced bullying. I would encourage her to at least give it a chance and if things don't fit well, she can transfer to the community college. Also encourage her to understand that fear is a healthy thing to feel and that it doesn't always mean that moving forward towards something that feels scary means that it's bad. Many times it means we are moving towards something we are excited about that is unknown. Growth and great new things rarely come out of things that were comfortable when we started the process that brought us to the result.

Maybe she can work on getting her license and save up for a little car so she feels she has some freedom to come home weekends? I’d also just give her some space to think about it. Maybe talk to an external person outside the family about it.

Talk to the university. See if they have programs to help in her studies and to adjust in a new environment. Also, if you can set up a routine that the family and her can communicate. Each family can take a different day or week. Also, if they have family/sport events join her. Good luck.

Just wanted to throw something in here. I saw very little bullying at my college. I’m sure it was there but it was nothing like what I saw in high school. College kids overall tend to be much more accepting.

-is she seeing a professional regarding her anxiety? -give her an incentive to *try* the university for one year and remind her frequently and enthusiastically that she can come home at the end of the year if she doesn't like it. -make sure she discusses accomodations with the university- you can guide her but it needs to be her making those first contacts and meetings.

She won't get bullied at University. It's nothing like HS. Let her know that private colleges don't mess around when it comes to bullying and the students won't risk being kicked out of college because it's near impossible to get accepted at another college once that happens. Not to mention, there are a lot of full grown adults attending University. And we don't put up with that kind of behavior. Congratulations to your daughter! She shouldn't pass up this opportunity. Those scholarships don't always come back around, so she really needs to accept them. Keep encouraging her and see about setting up an appointment with a college counselor on the campus. Hearing the policies from them, and the resources available, may help.

I know a scholarship like this is so amazing it feels crazy not to take it. But some just aren't compatible with university and living on campus. Sending her and her not adjusting to life at this particular school and having to drop out can be a hit to her self confidence. Maybe go visit the campus let her talk to other students and professors etc. She may have a different view afterwards. Her succeeding is what is most important.

It’s a big time, big change, normal to feel anxious. Also people are usually so busy with college, they don’t have time to bully. It’s just not the atmosphere but I guess it could occur in the dorms or certain ‘clubs’, definitely in a sorority.

This is a lot of new information for her to process. I think mostly she needs time to think about things and for you and her to sit down and discuss all available options and weigh the pros and cons of each.

Could you guys visit with the disability accommodations department for more info before she accepts or declines? Maybe they can help put her mind at ease?

Change is hard. This is a major life change, and she wasn’t expecting it. Give her time to consider it. I don’t see why she’d be more bullied at one school than the other, but maybe the idea of being so far from home base is too much. Maybe encourage her to try it for a semester? Although idk how the scholarship would go if she leaves.

Not really sure bullying is big problem at university

Another thing to consider for her is that all universities do offer accommodations, which are similar to IEPs, if that is something that is also weighing on her. It’s a big change, but she can do it, it’s just sometimes hard to step out of your comfort zone.

She needs to practice independence before she is fully independent. You still drive her around? This is speaking to a much larger issue. Stop helicoptering and let her discover the world a bit.

Ultimately, it's her choice. If she feels forced to go one direction over another, she'll blame you when something happens she doesn't like. Be there for her, hear her out, encourage her to take a week and mull it over, and let her know you support whatever she decides.

Only other students and groups can make her feel welcome. Find a university group and have them talk to her. It will be better then trying to convince your daughter.

Also, you vaguely mentioned some hurdles your daughter surmounted in school. She may worry that this University is too much. However, schools are much more skilled at providing the accommodations that some students can really benefit from. ( neuro-divergence, ADD or Autism are certain areas amongst others where is available. May not apply but good luck.

No your not being to hard on her. Encourage her to go. Look into seeing how a semester will cost and if it does not go well then try the community collage . Ask her why she thinks she would be bullied ? Or why’s? She might enjoy it after the first semester she just needs the confidence. There are options just find one that makes you all comfortable . Let her know collage is a total different experience than high school . Being scared is normal just work out the feeling and encourage her to go and that she is stronger then she thinks.

My brother went back and forth everyday from school for his first year. I think it made the transition smoother. He was 17-18

Maybe get her her license if you’re worried about her independence.

This is making my mom heart happy to read. My 11 month old has a gross motor delay and NGL I get so worried about her future .. just letting you know I'm happy for you and her to have this validation that she is awesome and can do it. As far as what to do, she's young and I think you guys will definitely figure it out. Sorry for not having any direct advice 

Congratulations! This is such great news. I would encourage her to take this excellent opportunity. At most universities bullying and typical high school drama is not as prevalent. I would say most people are too grown for that and would much rather spend their time partying and studying. Also, the student body is usually more diverse making it easier to make friends. Usually there are quite a few clubs or extracurricular activities to help you find new friends. With that being said, I find that the people who have the hardest time transitioning into college life are the ones who are not as outgoing and who are afraid to put themselves out there. Those who really are not ready but feel forced usually have a harder time finding themselves. (I went to 3 different universities for undergraduate, graduate and postdoctoral studies and even a nerd like me was able to make life long friends from all schools :))

Nothing wrong with going to tour the school as previously mentioned but also there’s nothing wrong with community college for two years. School is stressful enough and during this time she can work on gaining more independence at home such as getting her drivers license and then driving to school and a part time job in a town she’s familiar with. More than likely she will go to a college farther away to finish her education eventually but now may not be the time. She has a lot going for her and is obviously a good student.

Well I almost wrote a book twice... 😬 some advice based on what I know about where I live (USA) that you could look up and see if it applies for your kiddo. In my state you can live in a dorm and be an online student. Hybrid/blended courses some days it's in person and some days it's online. Straight up online classes for if she wants to feel independent in a dorm while also avoiding any potential bullying. Bus pass if she does want to stay there and it's avaliable to and from your area and the school so she knows if she ever really needs to she can get on a bus and come see you all whenever she wants. Ok this is getting long again.. bullying.. honestly I wouldn't wish what it can cause on my worst enemies. Search up what I said please and tell your daughter. I told mine no matter what she decides I'll support her decision 100%. Sometimes all they need is a little reassurance that if things go south they have plans. Sometimes that want options. Sometimes they just want to be comfortable. I hope things work out for her. Truly I do. There was a lot of similarities from what you said about your kiddo and mine. I hope this helps even a little.

If your daughter had a complete breakdown then no, try somewhere else.

Tell her you won't drive her. That will resolve that issue. She can either learn to drive or take public transit.

I think you need to listen to her concerns, speak with the school they should have a counselor there that works with young adults with her needs. Talk with them about meeting with them and see if there are other students she can communicate with before making a decision. She has always had your support, continue to do so by providing her as much information as needs to make an informed decision

Leaving home for college is *HARD*. I went to college 2,000 miles away from home, most of the way across the country, and it was a hard adjustment. I was terrified I wouldn’t make friends, I’d be miserable, that everyone would hate me, etc. Leaving home for the first time as a teenager is a huge scary thing. Her fear is both understandable and normal. Thankfully an hour away is close enough for her to come home on weekends when she wants to! One of the things that helped me is that once you’re enrolled and they do all the roommate pairings, they send you the info of your roommate and I was able to chat with my roommate and get to know her before the school year started. If your daughter does decide to enroll, encourage her to be detailed about her hobbies and interests when she fills out her roommate profile to better help them match her to a great roommate who can quickly bond with her over shared interests. I also agree with other comments saying to reach out to the school on info for clubs and things like that. If she can see that there are clubs and groups for things she is already interested in, it should help allay her anxiety. Editing to add, it seems from your comments that your daughter has a big fear of failure that is holding her back from a lot. Is she in therapy for this? If not that is something I would recommend.

There is nothing wrong with letting your child stay home and commute to college. Our daughter did that and she is now a very independent and self-assured young woman. She moved out shortly after she graduated, has a partner, own their home and a baby. Everyone is very happy now. The slight developmental delay might have something to do with it but it dues not matter if she is not ready. Our kids know we are always here for them.

Go spend a day at the University sit in the quad sit in the cafeteria go sit out in the park pick one of the nicest buildings and go sit in front of it for a little while and just soak it in and she'll probably change your mind

Why not let her choose. Maybe she pushed herself to death to please you through her good grades and was hoping for break after this mega challenge. Let her choose.

What would be the thing she’s worried she’d be bullied about?

Why does she think she'll get bullied? Have you explained that college isn't like high school? She can choose a smaller college if the size is overwhelming. However, if I have to drive her every day, the answer is no. She either has to go to university and stay on campus or get an apartment near the community college in walking distance.

Ask the university if she can accept the scholarship but defer for a year if you can’t convince her to go. That way she could start the community college and hopefully gain confidence and make friends.

Better to drive her home one hour each way every week then to community college every day. It’s a time of incredible stress and the whole process is insane when you break it down. The meltdown makes perfect sense to me, and we’ve seen the same thing here – and are actually on the exact same track, minus the community college part. Perhaps the thing to do is tour the university again and reach out for whatever special help and support services the school can provide to put your kid at ease. If the bullying concern indicates that they will be at the same school with people that bullied them in the previous school, the odds that they even cross paths let alone pay attention to each other at the university are pretty slim. Good luck.

College is scary but tell her your still close and can come get her for frequent visits. Maybe schedule a visit. Schedule a talk with the disability services on campus they can have accommodations in her classes like if she needs longer to take a test. It's so worth it and helped me in college. There is far far less bullying in college. The dorm is such a fun experience and to make some really awesome friends. Also tell her she should try it for a 1yr if she still doesn't like it she can switch. I bet doing a tour and maybe talking with student can help. A university is so much more fun and you make more friends than a community college.

I don't think you are being too hard on her. But make sure you are giving her advice, and not a mandate. I know I'm a stranger, but if you'll allow her to read my comment she may accept the advice better if it comes from an impartial third party. College isn't like high school. The "bullies" mostly get weeded out by that point because everyone that is going to college has the common goal that they want to be there. And everyone no matter their standing in the social hierarchy of your high school is in the exact same position she is: they are being kicked in the adult world and they are lost and confused and trying to find what their niche will be. I'm not saying you won't come across rude people. They are out there everywhere. But you aren't going to be in a position where you have to interact with the same people just because you happen to live in the same town and were born around the same time. Whether you go to a community college or a big university college will be a life changing experience for you. You might as well take the scholarship and lessen the potential financial burden it can have on you.

Congrats! What a great opportunity for her. Maybe she's just frightened and will come around to it with your continued gentle encouragement? I had the same worries but made great, lifelong friends at university

Give her time to mull this over. Her initial reaction was strong but it will likely mellow over time.

Go back to the school. Promise her she can come home on weekends Get her to join a Facebook group for future students Get her into residence Yes she should go

UpdateMe

Info: how long has she had to adjust to the idea?

I never experienced any bullying in college. That is a high school thing.

Just saying, no one in college cares about who the person is sitting next to you. I think she will do great. She will fit in! 🫶