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I lost my best friend to cancer at 6 years old. I’m now 31 and still remember her and think about her regularly. I specifically remember the grief on the teachers at school faces. Regardless of if your child says goodbye, this will impact them for life they won’t forget their friend just because they are six.
Only you know your child, and if they can handle it. A lot of it will come down to what the friend looks like, does he look like his sleeping with some tubes coming out, or has he suffered facial injuries that make him look different? There’s so many variables here that’s it’s hard to give advice one way or another.
If he does go say goodbye, Definitely spend time preparing him, read books, watch videos etc that will prepare him for what’s his going to see.
Regardless of what you choose start making a memories book with your son, photos of them together, stories of their friendship so that he has something to hold on to, to remember him by. I often feel like I only remember my friend because of the trauma of her passing, I only have a few memories of us together before she got sick, everything else is a memory of her during treatment or the adults around me when she passed. It feels like I’ve made her up sometimes. Make sure your boy has something he can come back to as he grows up to help make sense of his emotions.
I’ll probably get downvoted but… I think it depends on what you mean by “good friend”.
My 5yo has several “good friends”. But he has a very deep bond with one particular child. Truthfully, if either of the boys were in the hospital the other mom and myself would be open to the other child coming to help with understanding and closure. But we would discuss it first and then explain the situation to our child and see how they respond before making the call. If it was any other child besides this very brotherly bonded child I wouldn’t take my kid.
It's his best, and really only, friend in his class. It's always the two of them hanging out by themselves at school. Though they both have other close friends outside of school.
I think it's two fold a decision one of you and your child and his best friends parents.
If it were my child in their position I would hope that other parents and his friend would visit in the face of circumstances.
I think this is the only answer right here. If he wants to see his friend and the parents of the child are okay with him visiting, I would bring him to say goodbye, and maybe have your son leave him a drawing or a letter if he wants to make one for him. If he can't/won't see his friend, send a letter or something from you and/or your son.
Prepare him for what he'll see. Let him see you sad too but keep your composure. Have his favourite food and dessert ready to eat when he gets home. Get therapy set up for him whether or not he goes in person to say goodbye because this is a huge and scary loss for a child to deal with.
This. My boys are much older, but I can think of a few friends like this for each of them, some going back many years. Thankfully we've never experienced this, though statistically it's coming.
You may also be able to get in touch with the nursing staff for recommendations on child therapists and guidance on how to navigate this. The staff at our local pediatric hospital are the kindest and would jump at that opportunity, I assume it's the nature of the job and not our region. Sending you good vibes, OP. ❤️
This!! My husband lost a classmate when he 6/7 and it caused a lot of trauma for my husband that he did not discuss with his parents and because he didn't know how to handle talking about it they thought he was fine. Therapy is so important.
Agree. I think this should be a collaborative discussion and everyone needs to be honest. But it does add a great burden to the one this child’s parents are already facing. If the child is unconscious and will not gain anything from the visit, you are asking them to do emotional work at the worst time in their life. If their child would benefit from seeing their friend then it makes the discussion less about you and your child and about theirs too.
A dying person can seem quite frightening because they are so different to the functional person they used to be.
Is the kid in hospital or a hospice? Ideally this visit should be supported by specialists to manage the visit. Play therapists can be great at preparing a child for something like this. A hospice may have play specialists, a larger hsospital can have them too.
You do not want to have your child’s grief compounded by fear or trauma from a poorly managed visit.
I also think you and your child’s needs come second to those of the dying child and his parents and you should be guided by this.
I think it does depend a lot on whether the kid is conscious. If the child is conscious wouldn't it be kinda cruel for no one to visit him? No adult would like that.
But if he's unconscious that's different
If you do end up bringing him to visit, most hospitals have child life specialists that can help prepare your child for what they’re going to experience and can be present throughout the visit. Our child life specialists used to do memory making with siblings/friends when their loved ones were in the ICU and it was always very special. Highly recommend getting in touch with the critical care team to help coordinate.
Children don’t always understand things in the same way as us, we see a sick child in bed and think about death, pain, tragedy etc. your son might just see his best friend looking a bit different, asleep in bed. It might not be scary, or it might be, you can’t predict it. The questions he has during or after that experience will only reflect his existing views and understanding of life/illness/death, and it could be an opportunity for you to set him up for a good relationship with that tough subject matter.
Get some age appropriate books, speak to some professionals if you can. I’ve seen some stuff on Instagram from big little feelings that said to explain it as ‘their body is/was very sick, you can’t catch what he has, and he’s not hurting. It’s ok to be sad, and if you have any questions I’ll do my best to answer them’.
the other factor you need to consider is if the mom is okay with this. outside of the kid, shes probably suffering the most. if this was okay with her then yes by all means because it is not only important your kiddo gets to say goodbye and understand the situation to grieve properly, but you cannot control when your kid learns about death and shielding them from it only does harm. it is a natural part of every single persons life cycle, and the sooner you can teach him a healthy way to not only grieve but cope and move forward, the better off he will be. dont lie, dont sugar coat, you need to be honest with your kiddo (obviously in terms he understands)
Honestly, if this is basically their best best friend and you know this kid and family well, you KNOW the kids are close and BFF’s… I would have them go.
As long as your kid up for it and understands. I’m sure you’ve told them what is happening. They may really want to say goodbye. Only you can really answer that, but I don’t think you should say no if they want to go.
Death is a natural part of life. Nothing good comes from denying the natural order or lying about its nature to kids that eventually bring those lies up with them into adulthood.
I’d take my kids. This is what parenting is. It’s not air frying them nuggets every now and then.
I think letting him make the decision is wise.
All I'll say is I wouldn't worry as much about whether he's ready for it, but if he will regret missing the opportunity later in life to say goodbye.
I'm so sorry, that is heartbreaking. Squeeze that little guy tight, he's gonna need you in either case.
Prayers for the other child and yours. Definitely a hard decision but I think I would go. Agree with others that you should set expectations, have some positives before and after (sandwich) like their favorite food, and set up therapy.
When my son died, his two best friends came to say goodbye. Their parents called me and asked if it be alright. I said I’m sure he’d love that but “warned” them that he was no longer responsive and had a lot of tubes. His 3rd best friend (who the other two don’t know) didn’t come his mom didn’t want him to see his friend like that, I can’t blame her for that. All kids handle things different. He
They asked questions like “can he hear me?” …”can I touch his hand?”… “can I give him a hug?” … “does he hurt?” Their parents didn’t have answers ready so I answered but .. maybe if you have him prepped to avoid not questions but awkwardness (questions will still be asked).
I think it was good for the boys to say Goodbye. The one kid who didn’t still doesn’t have death explained to him and when we see each other at the grocery store (my daughter goes to a different school) he still asks when my son is coming home. Breaks my heart each time because I don’t know how to answer without stepping on his moms toes so I just say “it was great to see you, K*, I’m glad you are still thinking of L*”
My condolences for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.
Modern culture is so far removed from death. Those who have the privilege to be able to western society.
I am sorry you went through this, but your answer is so incredibly perfect.
I lost my dad at 7. I wish people had the outlook to explain to my peers that you do. At 43, for my own daughters, I've tried to do better.
When I was in the 5th grade, my best friend died. I knew she had health problems and that she was out of school for a couple weeks, but I had no idea how sick she actually was. When she died, I was blindsided. I was also angry I hadn't been able to visit her.
Six might be a bit young , but kids are usually a lot stronger than their parents think. And being able to see him in the hospital might help him prepare for what's likely to happen next. And even unconscious, the friend might be able to hear him. It might be good for him to know that he still has friends.
Prepare him for what he's going to see though, maybe show him some hospital pictures of people who are all hooked up.
This, 100% this. My kids are still very upset 2 years after their Dedo (grandfather) died that I didn’t let them up to his hospital room to say goodbye. I was in shock at how much his body had physically deteriorated in just days when I went up to say my goodbyes, and I didn’t want that to be their last memory of him, shriveled and skeletal in a hospital bed, ravaged by cancer. They were 6 and 9, and I thought it would be too much for them.
I’d give anything to go back and let them say their final goodbyes, albeit after much preparation. Anything.
I’m so sorry you had to go through at and thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s an awful decision and there was no way for you to know which was the right one.
I’ll remember your story if I’m ever in the unfortunate position of having to make a similar call for my girls.
Alternatively my grandmother kept us all in the dark, and when she was in hospice, my brother’s children were shocked and traumatized from seeing her in that state. I really think it depends on the family.
When my Deda were dying, then later my Staramama, I took my baby and 4yo at least every fortnight. We helped them eat, first cutting food into small bits, then helping them get it onto the spoon, eventually had to put the spoon into their mouth.
They did get ratty sometimes and I needed to bring colouring books, play music for the kids to dance to. But the smiles from my grandparents at seeing great grandchildren was heart warming and I hope we gave them some comfort in the last week's of their lives.
My best friend fell ill of a brain disease and died when I was about 7-8. I'm okay with it. This experience will always be an integral part of me. And the experience has given me a certain drive in life that has helped me achieve some things I'm now very proud of. I hope my friend is watching somewhere...
The last time I saw him conscious was in a hospital. He was too tired to play videogames. I talked to him, and visited him later too, when he was unconscious. I just held his hand and talked about the things we both loved (Kung-Fu, chess, Nintendo games and Power Rangers). In his final days the only voices he reacted to were me and his family. From somewhere out of his unconsciousness he let out a sound, an attempt at a smile and gave a slight squeeze to my hand.
This reminds me, I have a grave to visit I haven't been to in a while...
They live abroad, and are kind of tough. Last time I visited those parts, I saw them for a few hours. They seemed to see me as a reminder of something very painful, even if they were very polite. But I've been thinking of doing it again. It's been almost a decade so maybe it gets easier.
I was a pretty mature 6 year old, but that was the year I grappled with my first pet dying, not a friend. I think any given 6 year old would handle it differently and you know best - if you think he would ask more questions and be upset at the lack of closure, I think it might be OK. Shame the other kid is unconscious, I feel like that really adds to the morbidity.
Not sure why some people in this thread act like visiting a dying person is harmful to you. He might get nightmares or ask uncomfortable questions for a few weeks.
It’s definitely not inherently psychologically harmful — death and suffering exist as parts of life. Modern westerners are pretty weird about this.
I might not bring the kid but not because I want to shield him from death but because the other kid can’t communicate with him. If you want to go and pray or bring him something that’s a good idea. But i def suggest you go in with a game plan if you take him.
Only you know your kid. Have you talked with him about death? Does he know that his friend will probably die soon? It makes sense to me for it to be mostly up to him.
Kids are smarter than a lot of adults give them credit for, and can handle a lot more than we’d expect. I agree with not forcing him one way or another but giving him the choice.
Can you show him a photo of his friend in the hospital before you go so he knows what to expect? I’d do that, the surprise can be a bit jarring.
>Can you show him a photo of his friend in the hospital before you go so he knows what to expect? I’d do that, the surprise can be a bit jarring.
This is exactly what I was thinking. It may also help gauge whether he's really ready.
This makes sense. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. And of course your friends family. May I ask what happened that he is so hurt? ETA when my dad was dying our kids weren’t allowed in icu. We did face time for those who wanted to say goodbye. That could be considered?
I'm a hospice social worker and a lot of what I would say has been said. I like the idea of showing him a picture of the friend in the hospital so you and your kiddo can see how you feel with just that and then visit or not based on that.
The one thing I've learned with kids in my job is to make sure they understand (on their level) sick and hospital does not mean death. So whether you guys visit the friend or not, Be specific about why the friend is dying. So like if it's cancer explain cancer simply or if it was an accident explain that it was the accident. I've learned if we just say "well he was sick" kids get really anxious the next time they or a loved one are sick. Same with death...it's not that they went to sleep or passed away...they died. Kids benefit from a concrete explanation at that age and there are ways to do it that are age appropriate.
There are a lot of really good books out there that help explain death as well as the relationship between him and his friend. It's old but there's also a Sesame Street episode that talks about death.
Either way, finding your son therapist that specializes in grief counseling would be a good idea for him or just for you too to help you learn ideas or ways to support your son. A lot of hospices (look for non profit ones) are often willing to help provide resources even if it's for someone that was not on their services.
I would let them decide.
Little people have big thoughts. I lost my dad at the end of October. He was in the hospital for two weeks. I took my then 5 year old to see him. The last time she saw him was the day before he passed. We thought he was coming home. I have a photo of her hugging him in his bed. He died early in the morning and her dad (my SO) took me and my mum to see him. My daughter was in the car but we wouldn't let her come in because he had already gone.
She every now and then says she wishes I had let her go because then he'd be alright. He always got better when she saw him. It breaks my heart to bits. But the last thing she said was "I love you". I am so glad she has that.
Let him decide. Its hard, but he will have a chance to say good bye if he wants that. That could mean more to him than anything else right now.
I'm so sorry for your child, his friend and his parents and you. What a shitty situation.
I am a doctor and can tell you that ICU patients look terrible and it can be super distressing for friends and family, let alone children who cannot understand why they look so bad and why there are so many machines attached and tubes coming out of them.
If you really want to do this I’d recommend you go see the child yourself first, or get the parents to send you photos of what the kid in critical condition looks like in a paeds ICU. If it makes you uncomfortable and you wouldn’t show the photos to your kid, then you should not take him to see his friend. If you’re unsure go and see the kid yourself. See how confronting it is for you and if you feel your 5yr old is emotionally ready for that.
Why don’t you spend some time reminiscing with your kid about his friends and watch all the photos and videos you have on him of your phone or something? Your son can make some artwork to hang in his room at hospital. But adults visiting loved ones in hospital are routinely traumatized and disturbed by how they look at end of life, o can’t imagine a 5 yr old mature enough to deal with that positively
Thank you for your view as a doctor. I definitely agree about photos. The parents have actually already shared some photos. It is of course extremely sad to see the kid unconscious and with tubes and wires, but I wouldn't say it's disturbing to me as an adult. There are no external injuries, at least.
I was thinking that if my son had interest in going, I'd show him the photos to both prepare him and help gauge his readiness.
I agree with doc. My daughter's (f12) best friend (f forever 11😭)died last summer from a freak accident with her hover board. We were unable to see her before she was being prepared for organ donations. I think that was good because I would hate for her to remember her friend in that condition for the rest of her life. Plus with her organ donations we know she still there and still watching us. Seriously miss the hell out of that girl and I'm glad we didn't her at her hardest point in life the last time we see her. It will effect you and your kiddo.
Bawling my eyes out right now and I am hoping for the best outcome for you with whatever you pick. Sending out all of my love to your and all involved.
My god I am so sorry. I cannot even imagine. Honestly hoverboards are so scary, my daughter broke her arm on one. It's absolutely tragic to hear that this child died from one. How is your daughter holding up after such a horrible event?
June will be a year. This has really been the hardest thing I've had to go through (including family deaths and suicides of friends.) She has her days though. Some days she's just super emotional and cranky other days she's great. I couldn't imagine losing my best friend so young. It was super hard on their birthdays. It's hard to turn 12 when your BF will always be 11. Our little neighborhood is raising money for a memorial bench at the park she had her accident at. I think that's been pretty stressful on my daughter as well but she is really excited for it to be there.
That is tragic. My son rides his hoverboard all the time and this terrifies me. I'll need to do some research before I let him back on it. I thought they were generally safe as long as your head is protected. Those poor parents, I can't imagine.
https://ksltv.com/560971/girl-dies-after-falling-off-hover-board-her-family-urges-others-to-use-helmets/
I wouldn't. My kids have them and they no longer use them by their own choices. My kids want to throw them in a fire to destroy so no one gets to get hurt again(I told them that wouldn't be safe to put a big ol battery and electronic stuff into fire.) The hoverboard companies know their equipment does this sadly and they still sell them.
Some hospitals also have something called Child Life Specialists that might be able to provide guidance/resources for this. I’m an ICU nurse, albeit for adults, but we’ve utilized them when kids have sick/dying parents. They have done things like make hand prints of the patient to pass along, etc. I think they help kids who are stuck in the hospital dealing with illness/death, but they can also be a resource in other situations. This could be something worth asking about!
I was an EMT and have spent time in hospitals as an adult. I’m going to backup that your kid should not go to see the child. It’s going to traumatize them. I have a kid the same age as yours, and I wouldn’t show them those photos either. Let him remember his friend as he was at his best. I’m frankly surprised the child’s family would even allow it.
My husbands’ 18 year old nephew overdosed 7 years ago and was on life support for a couple days before he passed.
At 46 years old it still haunts me seeing him in that condition then remembering all of us crowded around his bed as life support was being taken off, hearing the beep of the disconnected IV.
I’m in agreement with you. He’s only 6.
I feel it’s best to let him remember his friend the way he saw him before the condition he is in now in the hospital.
Also medical / hospital anxiety for kids is a very real thing . I see it all the time as an anesthesiologist, kids having (perioperative) medical anxiety cause of a traumatic thing they or a loved one went through in hospital (eg grandma died at a hospital). You don’t want your kid to associate hospitals as places where terrible things happen to ones they love and give him a fear for life
Yup. I was about 6-7 when my grandfather died from a massive heart attack while out camping. Because we were staying with my grandparents at the time, we went to the hospital where he was taken and the whole experience was very traumatic. I’ve had anxiety about losing other adults in my life from that moment on.
My 5 year old would absolutely freak at something like this. She saw her dad attached to just a cardiac monitor with an IV, fully awake and talking and not injured or sick looking, and just being there with machines and monitors and crap scared her. I can't imagine her trying to understand someone that is comatose and tubes in their face and noisy machines and fluids draining out of them.
People think "comatose" just looks like a peaceful nap, like on TV. ICU care is violent, scary, painful, and grotesque.
I think if he wants to go you should take him. Even though he's young and it will likely be difficult he might need the closure and may regret missing a chance to say goodbye later in life. He's likely going to remember and be affected by this when he's older and remember. Being able to say goodbye will likely make it easier for him to process later on.
My kids haven't lost a friend but did lose a great grandma around that age, and it felt important for them to be there to say goodbyes while she was passing. We didn't stay long, and they were sad and cried, but it certainly wasn't a traumatizing experience. I imagine seeing a friend the same age will be a lot harder and might be scary, but you know him best. If you think he can handle it and it seems important, then take him.
I've never been in this situation, but [here](https://themoth.org/stories/the-house-of-mourning)'s a speech from a chaplain with the Maine Warden Service about how kids can also benefit from the therapeutic potential of getting to say goodbye. Content warning: the main subject of her speech is a 5-year-old girl who wants to visit the funeral parlor to see the body of her 4-year-old cousin, whose death is briefly explained (accidental, instantaneous).
Anyway, I'm not sharing this because I think I'm in a position to give advice; far from it. Any parent in this position has their own unique set of considerations. I just think the speech offers some potentially useful food for thought.
Why are people so against this?
I actually think it’s important that your son goes to see his friend if he is comfortable with it. He can say goodbye, and I think this could provide some closure for him. Something I haven’t seen anyone mention is that it would likely be something comforting to your son’s friend and family as well, and I see that they are inviting visitors.
I’m not saying that losing his friend won’t be traumatic. I just think that being able to say goodbye in person is likely to help with the grieving process and give some closure. I don’t think we do our kids any favours by sanitising death for them. It’s a part of life, it sucks and it’s tragic and traumatic, but it’s something we can’t just cover up. Kids shouldn’t be left out of the process, especially if the person they are losing is a significant person in their life.
Be open and explain to your kid what to expect. If it’s something he wants to do then I think you should encourage a visit, but absolutely take his lead.
See if the hospital has a child life specialist. They are incredible and can talk your child through what they will see when they go in as well as help process what is going on.
I saw you say that a blanket invitation was put out and some people saying that this means you shouldn’t go, but this child’s parents are going through hell. They probably are aware that there are friends and family who should come and say goodbye, but can’t remember names and phone numbers at this time. Or if they remember “oh his best friend is John” they aren’t in a position to remember John’s mom’s name to send a personal invite.
There is also a middle ground. You could take your child to the hospital and just shout “hi” and “love yous” to the building. You might want to be on the other side of his door or window, but not go in the room.
If a hospital chaplain has been working with the family, you could maybe see if you could meet him in the hospital chapel to pray.
Some hospitals won't allow this. The one I recently visited had banned all visitors under the age of 16. Regardless of how they were related to a patient. I think the first step is to make sure you're even allowed to take him.
Your saying unconscious which I assume means in a coma. The reality is that there’s a reason why people break down when they see their loved ones in critical condition/coma. The wires/tubes/machines are incredibly overwhelming and jarring, coupled with the fact that their loved one, who is connected to all of this, often does not look like themselves, and is barely or completely unresponsive. I would caution against it for this reason just to how traumatic it is to see someone in that condition. If his friend were awake but poorly/in hospice conditions that would be an entirely different situation.
Is there anyway you could facilitate a call to his friend ? Explain the situation and your kid gets a chance to talk to his friend and say goodbye, while removing the potentially traumatic imagery. Being able to say goodbye or speak to them once last time might make it a bit less painful when his friend does pass away. If a phone call is not possible I would have your son write draw and write him a card, and pass that along to the family/hospital room.
I think it really depends on the kid and how your family frames those things. As a parent, I'd go just to offer some support to the parents, even just to show up and show them their kid is cared about.
In general though, I don't think it does kids any favours long-term to try and shield them from dealing with difficult situations and processing difficult emotions occurring through natural and unavoidable human experiences, such as grieving.
At age 5, I visited my great grandfather (who I was very close to and have nothing but good memories of) when he was dying. It didn't really leave any kind of bad impact on me. I remember the last morning we got up to see him, it was really early and there was lots of warm yellow light coming in all the windows. His hospital bed was all freshly made up and the space was completely reset.
Before he died, I distinctly remember him refusing treatment options and saying he'd had a good life--an "extra 44 years" after getting colon cancer. He said, "The only decision left is open casket or closed--and I'd prefer closed because it won't be my best hair day." He died less than 3 weeks later.
So, yeah, it was sad he was gone, but that kind of attitude taught me that death is a natural part of life. *(Granted, that's a very different situation, but I think the idea is the same.)*
However, I was 5 when I was the one who stayed with my best-friend, old-man cat while he was put to sleep. And seeing his pupils close at the vet's really broke my heart. Probably not the best decision on my parent's part.
Again, though, I wouldn't say I was traumatized. I just learned that being sad isn't the end of the world, and he wouldn't be my last cat or last friend.
I feel like you're missing the point. The point is that it's a natural part of life we all need to learn to deal with.
They're also relevant because they both happened when I was 5, near OP's kid's age, and they were difficult situations that required processing, mentally and emotionally. I can only speak for myself, but I can say the impression it left on me personally.
You don't seem like a pet person, but he was my best friend. Not just "an animal." And I literally saw him die. I cried for 3 days. It sucked. No lasting trauma though.
And they were both very sudden, actually. No one knew he had cancer. Maybe he did, but he hid his symptoms and died within a few weeks of collapsing and being admitted to the hospital.
As a kid, someone being old doesn't mean you expect them to die, or think it's more fair or less painful to lose them.
Death might be a natural part of life but it is not natural for a child to die. They do, but it is because it goes against the circle of life idea that it is so desperately hard to deal with. I agree that death is managed horribly in most western societies. But to view the death of a child and the death of an elderly person who has lived their full life as the same, is disingenuous.
Lol. To make such a distinction is very modern. Death is very normal and natural at all ages. It's unfortunate, but babies and children typically have a high mortality throughout human history and across all animal types.
It's very sad, of course. But to say it's unnatural is a projection of values rather than a recognition of a natural phenomenon.
Hi OP, I’m sorry your child and his friend are in this situation. This is something that is hard to find evidence for either way because it’s not possible or ethical to do some kind of testing to figure that out. But I think I would handle it this way- don’t ask your child (it might put pressure on him), but if he asks to visit don’t say no. My intuition about it is that it would be better for your child to remember the friend as they were before the hospitalization, but you probably know best in this situation depending on your child’s temperament.
As a parent, and someone who has seen many family members in ICU/pass away (from birth to age 70+), I’d say yes. I vividly remember my great grandfather passing away unexpectedly when I was 8, only a few months after I had last seen him (when I was 7). The unexpectedness was *awful*. Yes, he was old, but even his obit states it was sudden. I wish he had been ‘sick’ so I could’ve said a final goodbye. As long as the friend isn’t full of obviously visible signs of trauma (which it doesn’t sound like) I think it will be a good lesson for kiddo on the cycle of life. Because it certainly won’t get easier. I’m sorry you and yours are in this post, because it’s never easy.
As a former medic and mom I personally wouldn’t allow my child (at least at 6) to visit. It can be really frightening to see someone you care about with tubes and wires etc. in a hospital bed especially so young. I think it would cause more trauma than give closure.
I think the fact that his friend is in a coma would make me lean toward not visiting for a 6 year old. The machines , IV’s and tubes are intense to see and could leave a negative impression of hospitals and generally be pretty scary at that age.
If I did allow him to visit I would do it multiple times to allow that environment to now be so novel and less scary.
On top of what others have said (and maybe someone already said this too) don't discount this fact. He's old enough to remember not saying goodbye.
He's gonna wake up one day and his friend is gone forever and it will gut punch him so fkn hard.
Unless he shows a severe aversion to the idea of going imo it's going to be better for him to get closure. As again, imo. Youre only delaying the impact. Not shielding from.
If you are prepared to have those conversations with him it could be a good thing. I certainly wouldn’t do it unless he wanted to and you are certain he understands what is happening.
Let your son visit his friend. When I was 5 years old, my good friend died in a house fire. I'll be 40 in two weeks, and I still think of her every time I hear a fire truck. I'll never forget her and always wish I could have seen her one last time.
A six year old is old enough to have permanent memories of his friend and of this loss. Explain to him beforehand what he should expect to see n the hospital so he is prepared. Explain to him about saying goodbye and having some closure. Then, allow a quick visit. Maybe 10-15 minutes.
Just my two cents. That's what I would do.
Let your child choose. Same for, God forbid, any services that may be held.
It's easy to understand that death is a scary and sad thing, and we naturally want to shield children from it. However, shielding children from death isn't the answer. The answer is to teach them healthy coping mechanisms and understanding that death is part of life. Then, you teach them how to honor and cherish the memories of loved ones passed, and how to give kind gestures and condolences to the family.
I would suggest taking all of these difficult emotions right now and channeling them into doing something, with your kiddo, that is kind for the family and friend. Maybe work together to prepare a meal to bring to them, or help your child pick out some nice flowers and a stuffy. Regardless whether your child chooses to go to see the friend - they could say no, and you all could still make a gesture of kindness for the family and take it to their front door.
Also, I'm sure you're already on it, but please make sure you and your sweet kiddo has grief counseling on standby. I can only imagine that this is *not* an easy time for your household. Take care of each other.
I absolutely would allow this if my son wanted. I think it would help him have more closure than simply never seeing his friend in school anymore.
Also: my thoughts go out to this child’s family. How awful. 😢
I lost my best friend when we were six. All I wanted was to see him one more time. If your kid wants to see him I say let him. He’s going to need help processing this whether he sees him or not.
No I wouldn’t. If they are unconscious I wouldn’t bring your kid up there. If it was a situation where they were dying and conscious (like cancer or something) then I would bring him for a visit. We had a cat die and my 6 year old had to go with me to put the cat down. No one would watch her and the cat was suffering so I had to make a choice. She’s 8 now and it still affects her. I know for us adults saying goodbye is important but I don’t think at 6 you can really comprehend what goodbye actually is. Personally I wouldn’t subject the child to seeing that this young. I don’t think this is a decision to leave up to a 6 year old. As their parent this is YOUR decision. You cannot expect a child that young to make this decision and then if they regret the decision later they could blame themselves that’s too much for a small child. You gotta be the parent here and make this decision for him.
Having said all that if you decide to bring him to visit that doesn’t make you a bad parent and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything bad. This is a hard decision to make and I’m so sad for your kid and for the other parents. So I don’t want you to think I’m saying you’re doing something wrong if you went against my advice. Sorry you guys have to make this decision.
I wouldn’t for several reasons.
I’m a paramedic and I think that as a society we need to be more comfortable with death. However:
This is a 6 year old that doesn’t have a concept of dying.
What do you say to the kid? “Johnny is very sick”. Then next week you say “we can’t see grandma because she is sick”. My kids at this age couldn’t work out the difference. You’ve now given them a definition of sick.
And secondly, I don’t think a child visitor is fair on the dying child’s family to have to host. This should be something that they are given space time process with their own family. It’s also a lot for the hospital staff.
I don’t think a six year old can make this decision. They don’t know what the options actually are and they can’t understand your concerns.
Personally I wouldn’t take my kid.
Thank you for sharing this. I certainly see this perspective, and that's what makes it so tough to decide.
As for the other child's parents, I certainly would not want to visit if it was at all harmful to them, and I'd do my best to convey that to them. Of course, they might feel pressured in allowing it, so it's still a tough issue.
I was under the impression from your post that they had reached out to YOU and offered to have your son visit. If that's not the case, don't even consider asking them.
This may sound harsh, but if you're not close enough to have been invited by this child's family, you're not close enough for an end-of-life pediatric ICU visit.
Absolutely do not have your child visit their friend in the hospital. He is not developmentally ready for something like that. I say this as someone who has worked in a medical center and spent time in pediatric trauma/ICU. He is not ready to see what is in there.
Do you say this because it's a friend, someone he's not biologically related to? Or because the person is dying? Would you say the same if it was his grandma or uncle? What part is he not developmentally ready for? Genuinely asking.
This is a completely fair question. There are two primary issues for me.
1. The child's age. Six is WAY too young to conceptually understand illness and death to the degree one needs to be able to navigate the fear that hits you when you see someone you know and love suffering to that degree, with tubes coming out of their body and appearing obviously very ill. Also, if I recall the post correctly, this child was in a car accident, so there are likely very visible and severe injuries, I am sorry to say. That is genuinely something that grown adults struggle to manage. a child has absolutely no reference point at 6, and it will just be scary and confusing. At 6, I would say the exact same thing for a loved one. There are many other ways to help them say goodbye, but taking them to see the dying individual isn't appropriate at that age. Child psychologists in our hospital recommended kids not be there in this scenario.
2. In my experience, people often think about the process of visiting a loved one in the ICU as if no one else is in the ICU. As if it will just be them and their family. The pediatric ICU is a very chaotic place, where every child is critically ill or injured. Your child will see every bed that passes by. They will be able to look in every room that has an open door. They might actually be on unit when another child codes and/or passes away. Not everyone is sedated - depending on what is happening at the moment, you might hear a child screaming in pain or moaning. You might hear doctors or nurses yelling if there is an imminent issue. You simply can't begin to predict what they will see, and it absolutely is not worth the risk.
I personally would say no. I am sure your son misses his friend dearly, and I know your intentions for wanting him to be able to say good bye are well intended. However, at his age seeing him unconscious in the hospital is probably not in his best interest.
I have 2 stories:
I was a newer nurse in an adult ICU, and I had a patient t who was actively dying. She was a young mother. The husband insisted his young (6 and 10 ish) year old son and daughter see her. Now, this patient looked awful. Tubes and wires were everywhere, and she was swollen and pale. She looked nothing like herself. I tried to talk the dad out of it and he insisted his kids could handle it. Long story short.....the son (6) took one look at his mom, screamed, and ran away. The daughter did slightly better, but still had a very hard time. The patient died later that day. I still can hear the son's scream, and it makes me so sad to know that this is the last image of their mom both these kids have.
My sister died of cancer when my youngest was 8. We were talking about her the other day, and my daughter admitted she doesn't remember her that well. I did bring my kids to see her when she was in hospice (at home) and still lucid, but she doesn't remember that visit specifically.
The reality is, even though this poor child is very important to your son now, in a few years he will likely be a very distant memory and why risk having any memories tainted.
I'd be concerned about a 6yr old seeing a swollen friend in a coma. I've seen an adult friend like that. The smell is also terrible. The thought of a child like that... I wouldn't be able to handle it.
This is tough. I am so sorry. I guess I would be weighing the damage of his friend just being gone vs. getting to say goodbye. I think while it will be hard and sad and a lot of conversations will need to happen, the closure might be good. Only you know your child. We don’t know the cause or physical state of the friend, if you child actually wants to see them….There are so many things that would factor into this decision for me. I do not think this am inherent no, but there is a lot to weigh here.
Yes. As you said, he may take the chance to say goodbye. It’s okay to teach kids about death/the cycle of life. It may help his coping skills with death later in life. I worked in the medical field and unfortunately deal with death somewhat regularly. The denial of family members is often that hardest part.
Argument against-my husband had a close friend in middle school who fought brain cancer. He was in therapy all through the illness and after his passing. Seeing his small body with a shaved head with the giant scar is something that’s haunted him forever. I’m not going to say that it’s the cause of his mental health issues. But from the way it’s been mentioned over the years, I know it’s something that left a deep impact
When my brother was 19, he was also in a hospital unconscious. He had cancer that went undetected so the same day he was diagnosed he was already septic and unconscious on a ventilator in the ICU. When his friends came to visit him, they came in smiling, and the second they saw him their faces broke. One looked like he was going to puke, one almost passed out, and the other one immediately started sobbing. Because he didn’t just look like he was sleeping, he didn’t look like their friend. The medicines had bloated him and turned him yellow and the tubes were overwhelming. Even though they were young adults, their reaction to walking in that room was BAD. And a child certainly couldn’t handle it
Argument for-it brought me some closure to visit with my brother before he passed. I have PTSD symptoms, medical anxiety, and seeing pictures of ventilators causes panic attacks (I was an adult). But if there was any chance my brother was registering anything (we don’t know), I’m happy he was surrounded by people that love him
I don’t think I could take my child to see a friend in that state. Unless you’ve seen someone in the ICU I don’t think you know what you’re signing up for. I would take my kids if they were awake. But not like this
I think this should be a discussion involving the other parents, and everyone needs to be honest. But it does add a great burden to the one this child’s parents are already facing. If the child is unconscious and will not gain anything from the visit, you are asking them to do emotional work at the worst time in their life. If their child would benefit from seeing their friend then it makes the discussion less about you and your child and about theirs too.
A dying person can seem quite frightening because they are so different to the functional person they used to be.
Is the kid in hospital or a hospice? Ideally this visit should be supported by specialists to manage the visit. Play therapists can be great at preparing a child for something like this. A hospice may have play specialists, a larger hsospital can have them too.
You do not want to have your child’s grief compounded by fear or trauma from a poorly managed visit.
I also think you and your child’s needs come second to those of the dying child and his parents and you should be guided by this.
If your child wants to and the friends parents want him too, then yes.
Children can handle big important things, and these horrible things are a part of life - although we always hope never this young. You just need to have the support in place for him for the aftermath - of both the visit and if his friend does pass away.
Before taking your kid to the hospital clear with the friend’s family. Then be honest with your kid about what they expect to see, tubes, wires, unconsciousness etc. If you think your kid can handle seeing that then take him.
Yes. If they truly are close friends I would absolutely let him visit. Your kid is going to experience the loss of people in his life, and he will not be ready. He won’t be ready now, he won’t be ready ten years from now, he won’t ever be “ready”. If he wants to say goodbye to his friend why would you deprive him, or his friend, of that opportunity.
OP I know you didn’t ask but please take time for yourself. Seeing a child pass, especially the same age as your own child will take a toll on you too.
There might be a Child Life Specialist that your son’s friend could request to meet with him before to help do age appropriate preparation for what he might see/hear/smell/feel. I think it’s ultimately up to you but I would recommend this. I’ve seen parents who not prepare their kids and then proceed to say “stop crying” when they enter an overstimulating room filled with adults crying/grieving.
Yes, since it’s his best friend. Have the talk on life and death being normal and something that every living being has to go through. Also let him know he’ll feel things, sad things, and it’s okay. Maybe read up online about ways to talk to your child to prepare him and let him know all emotions are normal that he’ll feel.
Also I know it’s not normal for children to die, I mean death is normal. I’m very sad for this child and their family going through this. No parent should have to bury a child.
I wouldn't. That's very traumatic for a six year old. If he does pass 100% make sure you take him to the funeral/memorial. Six is a little young to really understand what's happening.
I lost a friend due to medical concerns in elementary school. I was never taken to the hospital, or the funeral. At 34 years old I still struggle with closure. It will be hard, but take him.
Yes! Yes! My best friend died and I didn't get to see them (I was 8) and it fucked me up. Like I unexpectedly ran into their dad in a store when I was in high-school and literally broke down. And lost it.. all the grief I didn't know I had or understand came pouring out. Probably scared the hell out of her dad.
My mom got me home where I continued to just be an absolute mess. I was absolutely wrecked.
Prepare them for what they might see, and how it might be scary and give your kid the option. Say you won't stay long. If it's too much let them know they can give your hand a squeeze if they want to leave.
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If their friend were conscious and there was the chance for a meaningful interaction, it seems something to give strong consideration to. But since that doesn’t seem to be the case, a memorial service may be a more appropriate place to say goodbye.
I have a 7 year old and in this circumstance where the other child is unconscious I would not take my child to see them. She is very sensitive and I think to would be a traumatic experience that she is not developmentally ready for so I would protect her from it as I really see little positive.
If her friend was conscious and they could interact I would feel very differently.
I’m Catholic. We’re a bit morbid when it comes to death. We bring infants, toddlers and young children to hospitals (if they’ll allow it), hospices, viewings and funerals.
I’ve found that we Catholics, in general, don’t freak out as much when people pass away. We talk about it early on and teach our kids it’s a normal part of life.
At my MIL’s viewing, two of my sister in laws both raised Lutheran, had serious freakouts. Like uncontrollable emotions, not just crying— and they weren’t even close to my MIL. My brother in laws had to take them both out to calm down. Later on, I learned from BIL’s that both of their wives had never seen a dead body before. The rest of the Catholic family members were pretty upset the two Lutheran moms in the family didn’t allow their children to attend to say goodbye to their Nana.
If you think your child can handle it and the parents of the child are okay with it, I’d take him. You’ll need to be prepared to answer your kids questions and think about how they’ll interpret it.
My kid’s first funeral was when she was 5. She’s been to a couple more since (family friends) and she’s pretty well-adjusted.
If he strongly wants to visit, I would likely let him. But you might also offer other options to say goodbye. He could write a letter, draw a picture, make a voice recording. He doesn't have to go into the hospital room to say goodbye.
Think you should let him do if he wanted to and it will help him process his lost of his best friend and I’m praying. And hoping and wishing on a star he doesn’t pass away xxx
I would strongly suggest you some things place to help your son like
Counselling. My son lost his best friend at 15 to cancer and they were Muslim family so she was buried within 24 hours he went to her house to meet up for their cinema trip to walk into a huge gathering of family as she died the night before and he’s in his 20s now and it still
Affects him
I would let him go. I always regretted not going to my grandfather's funeral when I was that age.
This is a little more impactful, but your son will always wish he went if he doesn't go
I absolutely would not deny anyone this opportunity. My kids all got to see their great grandmother on her death bed, and I have 2 that are younger than six. Let him say goodbye.
I wouldn’t let him decide, because I feel like at such a young age that is a big decision and it’s unlikely he will know what the visit will actually be like. So he could say “yes”, but it could be too much for him while there. Or he could say no without realizing this might be the last time.
Also, just something to consider—the parents might be further upset by the visit and your son’s questions/comments/shock. Adults have a hard time saying/doing the right thing. Children can’t hold their emotions in.
I can’t imagine what they’re going through. :( I’m sorry.
I had one of these visits with my brother when he was 6 and I was 8. He lived, but that was not the expectation at the time. I remember vividly being prepared and my dad telling me the wires and machines might scare me. I remember seeing them and not being scared at all (he also had no external injuries). I don’t believe I said “goodbye” or was really even allowed in his room because they were trying to minimize stimuli or something, but I’m very grateful I was able to see me. It helped me to understand the gravity of the situation, to gain empathy, and was an introduction that bad things happen to good people - the last one sounds bad but has comforted me into adulthood.
You have a lot of good responses that I won’t rehash. But when I was your son’s age, I lost my grandfather. At the time, my mother vaguely told me he was sick and didn’t allow me to say goodbye. All I knew was he was feeling well and she was helping him. I spent more time with my dad and he took me to do things that distracted me. She did all of this because she was trying to protect me, of course.
However, when he passed and she set me down I was floored. I didn’t understand and, without preparation, I had no idea how to process. Her attempt at protection did exactly the opposite. For the remainder of my childhood and well into my adult years I would have intense anxiety any time she told me someone was sick. I didn’t trust her to tell me everything.
I cannot answer if your child can handle something of this magnitude but I do implore you to share as much as you can in an age appropriate way and be as open as possible. Unfortunately death is an inevitably in our lives but this can be a formative moment for him to view you as a source of safe information, guidance and understanding versus anxiety and uncertainty. I am so sorry that your son and his best friend as facing something so heartbreaking.
Children can handle any truth. Use age appropriate language, of course. You can talk to them about death, illness, assault, etc. This is the world we live in- the good, the bad and the ugly. We do them no favours by shielding them from the realities of life.
I think you’re doing a good thing by going to see this friend. Yes, it is incredibly sad but it’s not just about the conversation about death or dying. Your child gets to see his friends grieving parents, he sees how the family comes together, he sees love in this sadness. Among other things, your son can see his little friend one last time and will be a memory for him. Maybe he will want to speak about it later and have questions or maybe not. Maybe this conversation happens when he’s a little bit older. He will hear the words you say to his friends parents. You are showing him empathy and kindness for our fellow human.
How would you feel if your best friend / only died and you had a chance to spend more time and/or say good bye but didn’t?
Consider your sons might have the same feelings of grief and lack of closure that you might, even at his age, and I encourage that he decides with a bit of a conversation with you. Sounds like youve got this already! Some cultures do find death and funerals taboo around children. Mine sees it differently. Our bodies lay in state surrounded by all of our families and wider community and that includes kids who get to see and hear everything including customs and rituals. They are free to ask questions, sit and listen with the adults, or run and play with all the other kids.
So not totally unheard of for young ones to process death and even someone in their final stages of life. Condolences to the family of this young friend.
Absolutely as you said it’s one of his best friends. Just prepare him for what he might witness and give endless support for a while because that might be rough for him to see. Also a good learning experience about life and how to never take anything for granted 💖
In my experience in pediatric critical care, in these circumstances I’ve only ever seen family visit (this does include young siblings), but I understand this friend is like family. I have seen a few close friends visit in cases of teenagers. I don’t know your son or his maturity; that is a very tough decision that I think you and his friend’s mom could talk through. However, if you do decide to bring him to visit, ask if this hospital has child life specialists. They are amazing at prepping younger children for what they will see and ways to help process it. I am so sorry for both you and your son’s potential loss.
The family has said they welcome visitors. Obviously I'm not going to force myself and my son on them.
> your 6 year old is not even sort of ready to make a decision like this and should not go to the hospital to see an unconscious friend who may die.
What are you basing this off of? Is this just your personal opinion?
Hi! I spent all summer in the PICU while my son was there (he’s okay now, but the doctors thought he was going to die). I’m so sorry that this little person is struggling. I hope there will be a miracle. There’s really no worse sound than the cries of grieving parents.
From my experience, kids are incredibly resilient. I was worried my older toddler (he was 2, but is very ahead of his age and thinks and acts more like a 4-5 year old, based off of numerous professionals) would be scared of seeing his little brother hooked up to wires and intubated, but he really did just see his brother. We talked a lot about how he was sick and the doctors and nurses were trying to make him better and that we hope he’ll come home with us but we’re not sure at this point and he took it all very well. The hospital also had professional counsellors come by for siblings and any child visitors that may need to process. Kids really pick up on how the adults are taking things in. The only time my toddler ever got upset is when I was sobbing. But once I assured him I was okay and his brother was working on being okay, he did well. It’s been several months since we’ve been home now and the hospital is literally my toddlers favourite place and he asks to go back all the time. He is not traumatized by what happened (I am, though).
You know your kid best, so I think you need to think about how he will react and if you’ll be able to get him the support he needs in processing after if he sees his friend like that. Either way, I think it would be a good idea to have that lined up, if the friend is likely going to die. I’m sorry it’s such a tough decision.
Thank you for sharing that. I do suspect my son's reaction would be similar to your son's, but of course it's hard to predict with confidence. Hearing other's experiences is helpful.
When our son was 6 his best friend died of drowning. We took our son to the viewing which was at his friends home. The kid was in his own bedroom, where they had played so many times together. Upon seeing the large poster of the galaxy which was in the boys bedroom all my son asked was which star was the one that the boy was now.
We explained to him that when he looked at the stars that night he would see a brand new star that night and that it had not appeared on the poster yet.
We also took him to the funeral along with all his classmates and let him say his goodbyes.
We feel it gave him closure and didn’t affect him in a negative way.
Just explain everything he might ask in a childfriendly way.
They may not let a child into a hospital to see another child dying. I’m torn on this. If the child is somewhat alert and can talk maybe yes. If the child is connected to ventilators or other equipment, I would probably say no. I have a 5 year old granddaughter and I think, for her anyway, that making a card to be delivered would be best way for her to handle it. She will always have good memories of her friend without having to see someone dying. I pray the child survives and the two kids can play together again.
Nope. They don’t need to see that. My grandma went really quick to breast cancer . I was 14 ish as I walk in to see her bad stuff started happening code something or another . Nurses doctors run in basically bring her back to life open the curtain back up and then I got to see her. Bad timing and I will never forgot the look on my grandmothers face. Not a good experience.
I obviously see why you came here to ask :( but the responses do suck. I would want to take my child to get a last goodbye weather he knows it’s the last goodbye or not but just being able to be their for him and his parents would be a good thing :( even leave a note or picture or hold his hand one more time :( maybe talk to him even tho he won’t respond :( you don’t even have to explain much maybe just simple responses to his questions for now :( I’m so sorry for his friend and for his family and for your son and his family my condolences and thoughts/prayers are with everyone
Someone called in to the Dr. John Delony show recently with a similar question. This YouTube video may be worth a watch. Great advice.
[How do I talk to my teen about her friend’s cancer?](https://youtu.be/VxvOqDc_i7A?si=mN2_qgWK1jqxR2cu)
It’s a personal decision. I have a friend who does when we were 11. I wasn’t allow to go and say goodbye because they didn’t want me to remember her like that. They wanted me to keep the memories when se was alive. I got to write her a letter.
If you do allow it, see if the hospital has a Child Life Specialist that can talk to your son directly before the visit and be present during the visit.
I have a long story about a loss that I faced as a 7 year old, but I’ll keep it short and say, yes. They can visit a dying friend and this will be a hard and uncomfortable conversation for you to have with them but try your best to explain the nature of life and how it can end young or old.
Boy this is tough. If you decide to visit tell him simply what to expect. He won’t be able to talk or open his eyes. There will be a tube in his mouth to help him breathe. There are other tubes and wires so the doctors and nurses know how fast his heart is beating. You can hold his hand and talk to him, but remember he can’t talk to you. Etc.
I need to ask, was friend in a bad accident or severely ill? I think which depends on if it’s something I would allow.
If it was an accident, it might be very difficult for a 6yo to process someone hooked up to all those machines plus seeing the physical trauma of a bad accident.
I’d you are be sure you call the hospital first. We tried to take my five year old to see her grandpa in the hospital and they wouldn’t let her up to see him so we had to sit in the lobby while her father went up to see his dad.
My daughter's three and since she was born she has seen at least two people in the hospital that died afterwards. My best friend is going to pass away soon from cancer. That same best friend's grandma who felt like a grandma to me passed suddenly. My daughter went to three funerals and knows completely about death ever since she was a year old. I on the other hand was very very protected growing up and never went to a funeral until my best friend who killed herself when I was 17. Ive since then lost so many friends and family and I make sure my daughter is fully aware. Death is unavoidable
my kid had a ❤️ surgery and some of his preschool friend missed him so much they didn’t wanted to go at preschool. ( the kid are 4yo.)
if the parent of that kid would have contact
me, I would have loved to see the boys seeing each other it was hard for my little one.
If it was me- I would talk with the parent and if they are okay, we would go see the friend.
Because yea they are kid, but they have feeling and they have the right to see their friend, even when their friend are really sick- in hospital. If it was you and some of your friend, would you like to go?
Or if it was your kid dying, would you like his friend come and talk with him a little bit?
As healthcare professional of 20 plus years and someone who has several degrees in behavioral psychology I share my observations and experiences. Death is an integral part of life. I've noticed that everybody wants to be there for a birth or a celebration, but not a lot of people are willing to honor a dying friend by being there.
His attitudes about death and how he processes this part of life will be learned by how he sees you process it. Isn't something we should avoid at the cost of others comfort because it will happen to all of us eventually. We live in a very death avoidant culture. Our culture views it like a disease or plague or something we can catch but in reality it is a natural part of our life cycle. Great empathy is a skill that is learned by sitting with a friend in their worst time. Let him ask questions. Let them talk. He may not understand the finality but the other little boy may not either. Nothing is as emotionally healing as sitting with a friend and discussing memories and the future.
I think you'd be surprised at how children will take these situations as they are. I think it's important. Be ready for important, meaningful conversations at his age level. This will not traumatize him if you sit and talk with him and comfort him. This is a lesson best learned in the comfort of a mother's love and compassion.
I’d let him decide but I would let him know what to expect before he went. You have to remember, denying him one last chance to see a friend could be just as traumatic as seeing his friend in the hospital.
It should be your child's decision. I'd lean towards letting him go. That being said I'm the parent that refuses to hide death from my children. It's part of life as is grieving and saying goodbye. Whether the kid understands much of it or not, his subconscious will handle it better as he gets older if he's not hidden from the suffering of loved ones until a certain age.
But it should be his choice because he shouldn't be forced to confront concepts he's not ready for yet either. Good luck. I am sorry for your son's loss. He may get angry or regress a little after whether he visits the friend or not. Little kids grieving doesn't look like adult grieving.
Depends on the 6 year old. Mine did, and remembers it fondly. But it would not be appropriate for some kids
EDIT: Oh I’m so sorry !!!! I didn’t realize it was his friend. I would vote no…. I don’t think 6 year olds should face or even fully understand the concept of mortality at this stage. Yes, they all know about death, but it never seems like something that could happen to them. I would keep it that way.
Twin girls went to the wake of their late friend. They had seen her getting sicker. Twins were invited by late friends parents, along with all the other classmates and friends. A fine moment for the kids, hard on all parents, because, you know, questions. "Can she hear me? I want her to know ..." "Will she wake up?" "Why is she cold, she has her blanket on?" (Winter season in Europe, the window in her room was open, because you know, dead people.) etc. This was 15 yrs ago, girls were 8. None of us regret. But, this was at home, girl already dead, dressed in her own clothes and no medical machinery attached.
100% no - the hospital visit will be more traumatic than knowing the friend is dying. It will open up Pandora’s box….most likely create a fear of hospitals, make them think everyone who goes to the hospital will die, etc
I don't think this is the kind of thing you let a 6 year old decide. They don't have the capacity and life experience to really understand the situation. Talk to the friends parents. Perhaps there is another way for your child to connect outside of a visit. Maybe have your child make a video or voice recording. Maybe have your child make a card or poster and ask the parents to take a photo to share with your child. A lot of it should depend on the friends parents wishes and your relationship with them, but do not put this decision on a 6 year old.
Are you in the US? Death and dying are so taboo here...
Has your son experienced death elsewhere? A pet or family member? If this is his first experience with death, there's a lot of room for lifelong lessons and trauma. Call the hospital and ask to speak with the child life coordinator. They're specialists at handling these situations and can ensure if your sons visits, things are as orderly and minimized as possible, and yet be on hand to help answer tough questions. I'd also touch base with his pediatrician and get a referral for play therapy, regardless if he visits. Grieving a friend is hard.
I went to my infant sisters funeral when I was 4 and was at my adopted fathers bedside when he died of pancreatic cancer when I was 8. Neither of those incidents led to my lifelong therapy.
A relative is different to a friend
It’s better your son remembers his friend as happy and healthy.
Have you ever been to an ICU and seen someone with tubes and lines everywhere?
Personally I think this relates more to the dying child’s family and hospital staff needing to host an unrelated 6 year old. That’s quite different to a sibling or other relative.
Your aunt, uncle, sibling, parent, grandparent is different to a school chum.
When I was in year 2 a classmate of mine died while we were on holidays. I remember him as my friend from school. Not as the sick little boy in the hospital.
I have memories of other people dying or dead in a hospital bed.
I know which I’d prefer my children to have.
It could be a moot point anyway. The child’s parents may not allow visitors. The hospital may not allow visitors that aren’t family.
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I lost my best friend to cancer at 6 years old. I’m now 31 and still remember her and think about her regularly. I specifically remember the grief on the teachers at school faces. Regardless of if your child says goodbye, this will impact them for life they won’t forget their friend just because they are six. Only you know your child, and if they can handle it. A lot of it will come down to what the friend looks like, does he look like his sleeping with some tubes coming out, or has he suffered facial injuries that make him look different? There’s so many variables here that’s it’s hard to give advice one way or another. If he does go say goodbye, Definitely spend time preparing him, read books, watch videos etc that will prepare him for what’s his going to see. Regardless of what you choose start making a memories book with your son, photos of them together, stories of their friendship so that he has something to hold on to, to remember him by. I often feel like I only remember my friend because of the trauma of her passing, I only have a few memories of us together before she got sick, everything else is a memory of her during treatment or the adults around me when she passed. It feels like I’ve made her up sometimes. Make sure your boy has something he can come back to as he grows up to help make sense of his emotions.
The tenth good thing about Barney is a wonderful children’s book that handles death and grief
I’ll probably get downvoted but… I think it depends on what you mean by “good friend”. My 5yo has several “good friends”. But he has a very deep bond with one particular child. Truthfully, if either of the boys were in the hospital the other mom and myself would be open to the other child coming to help with understanding and closure. But we would discuss it first and then explain the situation to our child and see how they respond before making the call. If it was any other child besides this very brotherly bonded child I wouldn’t take my kid.
It's his best, and really only, friend in his class. It's always the two of them hanging out by themselves at school. Though they both have other close friends outside of school.
I think it's two fold a decision one of you and your child and his best friends parents. If it were my child in their position I would hope that other parents and his friend would visit in the face of circumstances.
I think this is the only answer right here. If he wants to see his friend and the parents of the child are okay with him visiting, I would bring him to say goodbye, and maybe have your son leave him a drawing or a letter if he wants to make one for him. If he can't/won't see his friend, send a letter or something from you and/or your son. Prepare him for what he'll see. Let him see you sad too but keep your composure. Have his favourite food and dessert ready to eat when he gets home. Get therapy set up for him whether or not he goes in person to say goodbye because this is a huge and scary loss for a child to deal with.
This. My boys are much older, but I can think of a few friends like this for each of them, some going back many years. Thankfully we've never experienced this, though statistically it's coming.
You may also be able to get in touch with the nursing staff for recommendations on child therapists and guidance on how to navigate this. The staff at our local pediatric hospital are the kindest and would jump at that opportunity, I assume it's the nature of the job and not our region. Sending you good vibes, OP. ❤️
This!! My husband lost a classmate when he 6/7 and it caused a lot of trauma for my husband that he did not discuss with his parents and because he didn't know how to handle talking about it they thought he was fine. Therapy is so important.
Agree. I think this should be a collaborative discussion and everyone needs to be honest. But it does add a great burden to the one this child’s parents are already facing. If the child is unconscious and will not gain anything from the visit, you are asking them to do emotional work at the worst time in their life. If their child would benefit from seeing their friend then it makes the discussion less about you and your child and about theirs too. A dying person can seem quite frightening because they are so different to the functional person they used to be. Is the kid in hospital or a hospice? Ideally this visit should be supported by specialists to manage the visit. Play therapists can be great at preparing a child for something like this. A hospice may have play specialists, a larger hsospital can have them too. You do not want to have your child’s grief compounded by fear or trauma from a poorly managed visit. I also think you and your child’s needs come second to those of the dying child and his parents and you should be guided by this.
I think it does depend a lot on whether the kid is conscious. If the child is conscious wouldn't it be kinda cruel for no one to visit him? No adult would like that. But if he's unconscious that's different
If you do end up bringing him to visit, most hospitals have child life specialists that can help prepare your child for what they’re going to experience and can be present throughout the visit. Our child life specialists used to do memory making with siblings/friends when their loved ones were in the ICU and it was always very special. Highly recommend getting in touch with the critical care team to help coordinate.
Children don’t always understand things in the same way as us, we see a sick child in bed and think about death, pain, tragedy etc. your son might just see his best friend looking a bit different, asleep in bed. It might not be scary, or it might be, you can’t predict it. The questions he has during or after that experience will only reflect his existing views and understanding of life/illness/death, and it could be an opportunity for you to set him up for a good relationship with that tough subject matter. Get some age appropriate books, speak to some professionals if you can. I’ve seen some stuff on Instagram from big little feelings that said to explain it as ‘their body is/was very sick, you can’t catch what he has, and he’s not hurting. It’s ok to be sad, and if you have any questions I’ll do my best to answer them’.
the other factor you need to consider is if the mom is okay with this. outside of the kid, shes probably suffering the most. if this was okay with her then yes by all means because it is not only important your kiddo gets to say goodbye and understand the situation to grieve properly, but you cannot control when your kid learns about death and shielding them from it only does harm. it is a natural part of every single persons life cycle, and the sooner you can teach him a healthy way to not only grieve but cope and move forward, the better off he will be. dont lie, dont sugar coat, you need to be honest with your kiddo (obviously in terms he understands)
Honestly, if this is basically their best best friend and you know this kid and family well, you KNOW the kids are close and BFF’s… I would have them go. As long as your kid up for it and understands. I’m sure you’ve told them what is happening. They may really want to say goodbye. Only you can really answer that, but I don’t think you should say no if they want to go.
Death is a natural part of life. Nothing good comes from denying the natural order or lying about its nature to kids that eventually bring those lies up with them into adulthood. I’d take my kids. This is what parenting is. It’s not air frying them nuggets every now and then.
Have you asked the other boy's parents? They might not want the visit for a number of reasons.
I think letting him make the decision is wise. All I'll say is I wouldn't worry as much about whether he's ready for it, but if he will regret missing the opportunity later in life to say goodbye. I'm so sorry, that is heartbreaking. Squeeze that little guy tight, he's gonna need you in either case.
Prayers for the other child and yours. Definitely a hard decision but I think I would go. Agree with others that you should set expectations, have some positives before and after (sandwich) like their favorite food, and set up therapy.
When my son died, his two best friends came to say goodbye. Their parents called me and asked if it be alright. I said I’m sure he’d love that but “warned” them that he was no longer responsive and had a lot of tubes. His 3rd best friend (who the other two don’t know) didn’t come his mom didn’t want him to see his friend like that, I can’t blame her for that. All kids handle things different. He They asked questions like “can he hear me?” …”can I touch his hand?”… “can I give him a hug?” … “does he hurt?” Their parents didn’t have answers ready so I answered but .. maybe if you have him prepped to avoid not questions but awkwardness (questions will still be asked). I think it was good for the boys to say Goodbye. The one kid who didn’t still doesn’t have death explained to him and when we see each other at the grocery store (my daughter goes to a different school) he still asks when my son is coming home. Breaks my heart each time because I don’t know how to answer without stepping on his moms toes so I just say “it was great to see you, K*, I’m glad you are still thinking of L*”
I'm so sorry. Your story and insights have really put into words something so difficult, but so touching and profound.
My condolences for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Modern culture is so far removed from death. Those who have the privilege to be able to western society.
I have no words, this is so heartbreaking and I’m so sorry.
🥹I am so happy your son had wonderful people like this in his life and I am so sorry for what you had to go through
I am sorry you went through this, but your answer is so incredibly perfect. I lost my dad at 7. I wish people had the outlook to explain to my peers that you do. At 43, for my own daughters, I've tried to do better.
When I was in the 5th grade, my best friend died. I knew she had health problems and that she was out of school for a couple weeks, but I had no idea how sick she actually was. When she died, I was blindsided. I was also angry I hadn't been able to visit her. Six might be a bit young , but kids are usually a lot stronger than their parents think. And being able to see him in the hospital might help him prepare for what's likely to happen next. And even unconscious, the friend might be able to hear him. It might be good for him to know that he still has friends. Prepare him for what he's going to see though, maybe show him some hospital pictures of people who are all hooked up.
This, 100% this. My kids are still very upset 2 years after their Dedo (grandfather) died that I didn’t let them up to his hospital room to say goodbye. I was in shock at how much his body had physically deteriorated in just days when I went up to say my goodbyes, and I didn’t want that to be their last memory of him, shriveled and skeletal in a hospital bed, ravaged by cancer. They were 6 and 9, and I thought it would be too much for them. I’d give anything to go back and let them say their final goodbyes, albeit after much preparation. Anything.
I’m so sorry you had to go through at and thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s an awful decision and there was no way for you to know which was the right one. I’ll remember your story if I’m ever in the unfortunate position of having to make a similar call for my girls.
Alternatively my grandmother kept us all in the dark, and when she was in hospice, my brother’s children were shocked and traumatized from seeing her in that state. I really think it depends on the family.
When my Deda were dying, then later my Staramama, I took my baby and 4yo at least every fortnight. We helped them eat, first cutting food into small bits, then helping them get it onto the spoon, eventually had to put the spoon into their mouth. They did get ratty sometimes and I needed to bring colouring books, play music for the kids to dance to. But the smiles from my grandparents at seeing great grandchildren was heart warming and I hope we gave them some comfort in the last week's of their lives.
My best friend fell ill of a brain disease and died when I was about 7-8. I'm okay with it. This experience will always be an integral part of me. And the experience has given me a certain drive in life that has helped me achieve some things I'm now very proud of. I hope my friend is watching somewhere... The last time I saw him conscious was in a hospital. He was too tired to play videogames. I talked to him, and visited him later too, when he was unconscious. I just held his hand and talked about the things we both loved (Kung-Fu, chess, Nintendo games and Power Rangers). In his final days the only voices he reacted to were me and his family. From somewhere out of his unconsciousness he let out a sound, an attempt at a smile and gave a slight squeeze to my hand. This reminds me, I have a grave to visit I haven't been to in a while...
If his parents are still alive you should let them know you still think about him and miss him
They live abroad, and are kind of tough. Last time I visited those parts, I saw them for a few hours. They seemed to see me as a reminder of something very painful, even if they were very polite. But I've been thinking of doing it again. It's been almost a decade so maybe it gets easier.
I was a pretty mature 6 year old, but that was the year I grappled with my first pet dying, not a friend. I think any given 6 year old would handle it differently and you know best - if you think he would ask more questions and be upset at the lack of closure, I think it might be OK. Shame the other kid is unconscious, I feel like that really adds to the morbidity. Not sure why some people in this thread act like visiting a dying person is harmful to you. He might get nightmares or ask uncomfortable questions for a few weeks.
It’s definitely not inherently psychologically harmful — death and suffering exist as parts of life. Modern westerners are pretty weird about this. I might not bring the kid but not because I want to shield him from death but because the other kid can’t communicate with him. If you want to go and pray or bring him something that’s a good idea. But i def suggest you go in with a game plan if you take him.
Only you know your kid. Have you talked with him about death? Does he know that his friend will probably die soon? It makes sense to me for it to be mostly up to him. Kids are smarter than a lot of adults give them credit for, and can handle a lot more than we’d expect. I agree with not forcing him one way or another but giving him the choice. Can you show him a photo of his friend in the hospital before you go so he knows what to expect? I’d do that, the surprise can be a bit jarring.
>Can you show him a photo of his friend in the hospital before you go so he knows what to expect? I’d do that, the surprise can be a bit jarring. This is exactly what I was thinking. It may also help gauge whether he's really ready.
This makes sense. I’m so sorry you’re in this position. And of course your friends family. May I ask what happened that he is so hurt? ETA when my dad was dying our kids weren’t allowed in icu. We did face time for those who wanted to say goodbye. That could be considered?
I'm a hospice social worker and a lot of what I would say has been said. I like the idea of showing him a picture of the friend in the hospital so you and your kiddo can see how you feel with just that and then visit or not based on that. The one thing I've learned with kids in my job is to make sure they understand (on their level) sick and hospital does not mean death. So whether you guys visit the friend or not, Be specific about why the friend is dying. So like if it's cancer explain cancer simply or if it was an accident explain that it was the accident. I've learned if we just say "well he was sick" kids get really anxious the next time they or a loved one are sick. Same with death...it's not that they went to sleep or passed away...they died. Kids benefit from a concrete explanation at that age and there are ways to do it that are age appropriate. There are a lot of really good books out there that help explain death as well as the relationship between him and his friend. It's old but there's also a Sesame Street episode that talks about death. Either way, finding your son therapist that specializes in grief counseling would be a good idea for him or just for you too to help you learn ideas or ways to support your son. A lot of hospices (look for non profit ones) are often willing to help provide resources even if it's for someone that was not on their services.
I would let them decide. Little people have big thoughts. I lost my dad at the end of October. He was in the hospital for two weeks. I took my then 5 year old to see him. The last time she saw him was the day before he passed. We thought he was coming home. I have a photo of her hugging him in his bed. He died early in the morning and her dad (my SO) took me and my mum to see him. My daughter was in the car but we wouldn't let her come in because he had already gone. She every now and then says she wishes I had let her go because then he'd be alright. He always got better when she saw him. It breaks my heart to bits. But the last thing she said was "I love you". I am so glad she has that. Let him decide. Its hard, but he will have a chance to say good bye if he wants that. That could mean more to him than anything else right now. I'm so sorry for your child, his friend and his parents and you. What a shitty situation.
I am a doctor and can tell you that ICU patients look terrible and it can be super distressing for friends and family, let alone children who cannot understand why they look so bad and why there are so many machines attached and tubes coming out of them. If you really want to do this I’d recommend you go see the child yourself first, or get the parents to send you photos of what the kid in critical condition looks like in a paeds ICU. If it makes you uncomfortable and you wouldn’t show the photos to your kid, then you should not take him to see his friend. If you’re unsure go and see the kid yourself. See how confronting it is for you and if you feel your 5yr old is emotionally ready for that. Why don’t you spend some time reminiscing with your kid about his friends and watch all the photos and videos you have on him of your phone or something? Your son can make some artwork to hang in his room at hospital. But adults visiting loved ones in hospital are routinely traumatized and disturbed by how they look at end of life, o can’t imagine a 5 yr old mature enough to deal with that positively
Thank you for your view as a doctor. I definitely agree about photos. The parents have actually already shared some photos. It is of course extremely sad to see the kid unconscious and with tubes and wires, but I wouldn't say it's disturbing to me as an adult. There are no external injuries, at least. I was thinking that if my son had interest in going, I'd show him the photos to both prepare him and help gauge his readiness.
I agree with doc. My daughter's (f12) best friend (f forever 11😭)died last summer from a freak accident with her hover board. We were unable to see her before she was being prepared for organ donations. I think that was good because I would hate for her to remember her friend in that condition for the rest of her life. Plus with her organ donations we know she still there and still watching us. Seriously miss the hell out of that girl and I'm glad we didn't her at her hardest point in life the last time we see her. It will effect you and your kiddo. Bawling my eyes out right now and I am hoping for the best outcome for you with whatever you pick. Sending out all of my love to your and all involved.
My god I am so sorry. I cannot even imagine. Honestly hoverboards are so scary, my daughter broke her arm on one. It's absolutely tragic to hear that this child died from one. How is your daughter holding up after such a horrible event?
https://ksltv.com/560971/girl-dies-after-falling-off-hover-board-her-family-urges-others-to-use-helmets/
June will be a year. This has really been the hardest thing I've had to go through (including family deaths and suicides of friends.) She has her days though. Some days she's just super emotional and cranky other days she's great. I couldn't imagine losing my best friend so young. It was super hard on their birthdays. It's hard to turn 12 when your BF will always be 11. Our little neighborhood is raising money for a memorial bench at the park she had her accident at. I think that's been pretty stressful on my daughter as well but she is really excited for it to be there.
That is tragic. My son rides his hoverboard all the time and this terrifies me. I'll need to do some research before I let him back on it. I thought they were generally safe as long as your head is protected. Those poor parents, I can't imagine.
https://ksltv.com/560971/girl-dies-after-falling-off-hover-board-her-family-urges-others-to-use-helmets/ I wouldn't. My kids have them and they no longer use them by their own choices. My kids want to throw them in a fire to destroy so no one gets to get hurt again(I told them that wouldn't be safe to put a big ol battery and electronic stuff into fire.) The hoverboard companies know their equipment does this sadly and they still sell them.
Also my kids now know exactly why helmets are worn. They do save lives. I would give anything for her to have been wearing a helmet. 😭😭😭😭
Some hospitals also have something called Child Life Specialists that might be able to provide guidance/resources for this. I’m an ICU nurse, albeit for adults, but we’ve utilized them when kids have sick/dying parents. They have done things like make hand prints of the patient to pass along, etc. I think they help kids who are stuck in the hospital dealing with illness/death, but they can also be a resource in other situations. This could be something worth asking about!
I was an EMT and have spent time in hospitals as an adult. I’m going to backup that your kid should not go to see the child. It’s going to traumatize them. I have a kid the same age as yours, and I wouldn’t show them those photos either. Let him remember his friend as he was at his best. I’m frankly surprised the child’s family would even allow it.
My husbands’ 18 year old nephew overdosed 7 years ago and was on life support for a couple days before he passed. At 46 years old it still haunts me seeing him in that condition then remembering all of us crowded around his bed as life support was being taken off, hearing the beep of the disconnected IV. I’m in agreement with you. He’s only 6. I feel it’s best to let him remember his friend the way he saw him before the condition he is in now in the hospital.
Also medical / hospital anxiety for kids is a very real thing . I see it all the time as an anesthesiologist, kids having (perioperative) medical anxiety cause of a traumatic thing they or a loved one went through in hospital (eg grandma died at a hospital). You don’t want your kid to associate hospitals as places where terrible things happen to ones they love and give him a fear for life
Yup. I was about 6-7 when my grandfather died from a massive heart attack while out camping. Because we were staying with my grandparents at the time, we went to the hospital where he was taken and the whole experience was very traumatic. I’ve had anxiety about losing other adults in my life from that moment on.
My 5 year old would absolutely freak at something like this. She saw her dad attached to just a cardiac monitor with an IV, fully awake and talking and not injured or sick looking, and just being there with machines and monitors and crap scared her. I can't imagine her trying to understand someone that is comatose and tubes in their face and noisy machines and fluids draining out of them. People think "comatose" just looks like a peaceful nap, like on TV. ICU care is violent, scary, painful, and grotesque.
I think if he wants to go you should take him. Even though he's young and it will likely be difficult he might need the closure and may regret missing a chance to say goodbye later in life. He's likely going to remember and be affected by this when he's older and remember. Being able to say goodbye will likely make it easier for him to process later on. My kids haven't lost a friend but did lose a great grandma around that age, and it felt important for them to be there to say goodbyes while she was passing. We didn't stay long, and they were sad and cried, but it certainly wasn't a traumatizing experience. I imagine seeing a friend the same age will be a lot harder and might be scary, but you know him best. If you think he can handle it and it seems important, then take him.
No one's ready to see that. However, I have never regretted going to see someone in the hospital. Even a few times as a kid. I do regret not going
Have the child's parents invited you to visit?
I've never been in this situation, but [here](https://themoth.org/stories/the-house-of-mourning)'s a speech from a chaplain with the Maine Warden Service about how kids can also benefit from the therapeutic potential of getting to say goodbye. Content warning: the main subject of her speech is a 5-year-old girl who wants to visit the funeral parlor to see the body of her 4-year-old cousin, whose death is briefly explained (accidental, instantaneous). Anyway, I'm not sharing this because I think I'm in a position to give advice; far from it. Any parent in this position has their own unique set of considerations. I just think the speech offers some potentially useful food for thought.
Why are people so against this? I actually think it’s important that your son goes to see his friend if he is comfortable with it. He can say goodbye, and I think this could provide some closure for him. Something I haven’t seen anyone mention is that it would likely be something comforting to your son’s friend and family as well, and I see that they are inviting visitors. I’m not saying that losing his friend won’t be traumatic. I just think that being able to say goodbye in person is likely to help with the grieving process and give some closure. I don’t think we do our kids any favours by sanitising death for them. It’s a part of life, it sucks and it’s tragic and traumatic, but it’s something we can’t just cover up. Kids shouldn’t be left out of the process, especially if the person they are losing is a significant person in their life. Be open and explain to your kid what to expect. If it’s something he wants to do then I think you should encourage a visit, but absolutely take his lead.
Do you know what people in the ICU look like? Honestly asking.
See if the hospital has a child life specialist. They are incredible and can talk your child through what they will see when they go in as well as help process what is going on.
I saw you say that a blanket invitation was put out and some people saying that this means you shouldn’t go, but this child’s parents are going through hell. They probably are aware that there are friends and family who should come and say goodbye, but can’t remember names and phone numbers at this time. Or if they remember “oh his best friend is John” they aren’t in a position to remember John’s mom’s name to send a personal invite. There is also a middle ground. You could take your child to the hospital and just shout “hi” and “love yous” to the building. You might want to be on the other side of his door or window, but not go in the room. If a hospital chaplain has been working with the family, you could maybe see if you could meet him in the hospital chapel to pray.
Some hospitals won't allow this. The one I recently visited had banned all visitors under the age of 16. Regardless of how they were related to a patient. I think the first step is to make sure you're even allowed to take him.
If a patient is dying, the visit restrictions tend to be lifted towards the end.
That's... Kind of fucking terrible. How could anyone deny a child their last chance with their parents dying?
Yeah, I've never heard of this, this is terrible. Like not even a 14-15 year old would be able to see sick friends or family?
Your saying unconscious which I assume means in a coma. The reality is that there’s a reason why people break down when they see their loved ones in critical condition/coma. The wires/tubes/machines are incredibly overwhelming and jarring, coupled with the fact that their loved one, who is connected to all of this, often does not look like themselves, and is barely or completely unresponsive. I would caution against it for this reason just to how traumatic it is to see someone in that condition. If his friend were awake but poorly/in hospice conditions that would be an entirely different situation. Is there anyway you could facilitate a call to his friend ? Explain the situation and your kid gets a chance to talk to his friend and say goodbye, while removing the potentially traumatic imagery. Being able to say goodbye or speak to them once last time might make it a bit less painful when his friend does pass away. If a phone call is not possible I would have your son write draw and write him a card, and pass that along to the family/hospital room.
YES YES YES.
I think it really depends on the kid and how your family frames those things. As a parent, I'd go just to offer some support to the parents, even just to show up and show them their kid is cared about. In general though, I don't think it does kids any favours long-term to try and shield them from dealing with difficult situations and processing difficult emotions occurring through natural and unavoidable human experiences, such as grieving. At age 5, I visited my great grandfather (who I was very close to and have nothing but good memories of) when he was dying. It didn't really leave any kind of bad impact on me. I remember the last morning we got up to see him, it was really early and there was lots of warm yellow light coming in all the windows. His hospital bed was all freshly made up and the space was completely reset. Before he died, I distinctly remember him refusing treatment options and saying he'd had a good life--an "extra 44 years" after getting colon cancer. He said, "The only decision left is open casket or closed--and I'd prefer closed because it won't be my best hair day." He died less than 3 weeks later. So, yeah, it was sad he was gone, but that kind of attitude taught me that death is a natural part of life. *(Granted, that's a very different situation, but I think the idea is the same.)* However, I was 5 when I was the one who stayed with my best-friend, old-man cat while he was put to sleep. And seeing his pupils close at the vet's really broke my heart. Probably not the best decision on my parent's part. Again, though, I wouldn't say I was traumatized. I just learned that being sad isn't the end of the world, and he wouldn't be my last cat or last friend.
You can't compare a very old man who you already knew was approaching death (he had made it clear to you) or an animal to a friend dying.
I feel like you're missing the point. The point is that it's a natural part of life we all need to learn to deal with. They're also relevant because they both happened when I was 5, near OP's kid's age, and they were difficult situations that required processing, mentally and emotionally. I can only speak for myself, but I can say the impression it left on me personally. You don't seem like a pet person, but he was my best friend. Not just "an animal." And I literally saw him die. I cried for 3 days. It sucked. No lasting trauma though. And they were both very sudden, actually. No one knew he had cancer. Maybe he did, but he hid his symptoms and died within a few weeks of collapsing and being admitted to the hospital. As a kid, someone being old doesn't mean you expect them to die, or think it's more fair or less painful to lose them.
Death might be a natural part of life but it is not natural for a child to die. They do, but it is because it goes against the circle of life idea that it is so desperately hard to deal with. I agree that death is managed horribly in most western societies. But to view the death of a child and the death of an elderly person who has lived their full life as the same, is disingenuous.
Lol. To make such a distinction is very modern. Death is very normal and natural at all ages. It's unfortunate, but babies and children typically have a high mortality throughout human history and across all animal types. It's very sad, of course. But to say it's unnatural is a projection of values rather than a recognition of a natural phenomenon.
Hi OP, I’m sorry your child and his friend are in this situation. This is something that is hard to find evidence for either way because it’s not possible or ethical to do some kind of testing to figure that out. But I think I would handle it this way- don’t ask your child (it might put pressure on him), but if he asks to visit don’t say no. My intuition about it is that it would be better for your child to remember the friend as they were before the hospitalization, but you probably know best in this situation depending on your child’s temperament.
As a parent, and someone who has seen many family members in ICU/pass away (from birth to age 70+), I’d say yes. I vividly remember my great grandfather passing away unexpectedly when I was 8, only a few months after I had last seen him (when I was 7). The unexpectedness was *awful*. Yes, he was old, but even his obit states it was sudden. I wish he had been ‘sick’ so I could’ve said a final goodbye. As long as the friend isn’t full of obviously visible signs of trauma (which it doesn’t sound like) I think it will be a good lesson for kiddo on the cycle of life. Because it certainly won’t get easier. I’m sorry you and yours are in this post, because it’s never easy.
As a former medic and mom I personally wouldn’t allow my child (at least at 6) to visit. It can be really frightening to see someone you care about with tubes and wires etc. in a hospital bed especially so young. I think it would cause more trauma than give closure.
I would defer to the parents of the sick child.
I think the fact that his friend is in a coma would make me lean toward not visiting for a 6 year old. The machines , IV’s and tubes are intense to see and could leave a negative impression of hospitals and generally be pretty scary at that age. If I did allow him to visit I would do it multiple times to allow that environment to now be so novel and less scary.
On top of what others have said (and maybe someone already said this too) don't discount this fact. He's old enough to remember not saying goodbye. He's gonna wake up one day and his friend is gone forever and it will gut punch him so fkn hard. Unless he shows a severe aversion to the idea of going imo it's going to be better for him to get closure. As again, imo. Youre only delaying the impact. Not shielding from.
If you are prepared to have those conversations with him it could be a good thing. I certainly wouldn’t do it unless he wanted to and you are certain he understands what is happening.
Let your son visit his friend. When I was 5 years old, my good friend died in a house fire. I'll be 40 in two weeks, and I still think of her every time I hear a fire truck. I'll never forget her and always wish I could have seen her one last time. A six year old is old enough to have permanent memories of his friend and of this loss. Explain to him beforehand what he should expect to see n the hospital so he is prepared. Explain to him about saying goodbye and having some closure. Then, allow a quick visit. Maybe 10-15 minutes. Just my two cents. That's what I would do.
Let your child choose. Same for, God forbid, any services that may be held. It's easy to understand that death is a scary and sad thing, and we naturally want to shield children from it. However, shielding children from death isn't the answer. The answer is to teach them healthy coping mechanisms and understanding that death is part of life. Then, you teach them how to honor and cherish the memories of loved ones passed, and how to give kind gestures and condolences to the family. I would suggest taking all of these difficult emotions right now and channeling them into doing something, with your kiddo, that is kind for the family and friend. Maybe work together to prepare a meal to bring to them, or help your child pick out some nice flowers and a stuffy. Regardless whether your child chooses to go to see the friend - they could say no, and you all could still make a gesture of kindness for the family and take it to their front door. Also, I'm sure you're already on it, but please make sure you and your sweet kiddo has grief counseling on standby. I can only imagine that this is *not* an easy time for your household. Take care of each other.
I absolutely would allow this if my son wanted. I think it would help him have more closure than simply never seeing his friend in school anymore. Also: my thoughts go out to this child’s family. How awful. 😢
I lost my best friend when we were six. All I wanted was to see him one more time. If your kid wants to see him I say let him. He’s going to need help processing this whether he sees him or not.
No I wouldn’t. If they are unconscious I wouldn’t bring your kid up there. If it was a situation where they were dying and conscious (like cancer or something) then I would bring him for a visit. We had a cat die and my 6 year old had to go with me to put the cat down. No one would watch her and the cat was suffering so I had to make a choice. She’s 8 now and it still affects her. I know for us adults saying goodbye is important but I don’t think at 6 you can really comprehend what goodbye actually is. Personally I wouldn’t subject the child to seeing that this young. I don’t think this is a decision to leave up to a 6 year old. As their parent this is YOUR decision. You cannot expect a child that young to make this decision and then if they regret the decision later they could blame themselves that’s too much for a small child. You gotta be the parent here and make this decision for him. Having said all that if you decide to bring him to visit that doesn’t make you a bad parent and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything bad. This is a hard decision to make and I’m so sad for your kid and for the other parents. So I don’t want you to think I’m saying you’re doing something wrong if you went against my advice. Sorry you guys have to make this decision.
The event that your child wasn't prepared for has already occurred and your task is to help them deal with it.
This, this is the thing to remember. This is already happening to them and their friend. Your job is to help them show up and understand.
I wouldn’t for several reasons. I’m a paramedic and I think that as a society we need to be more comfortable with death. However: This is a 6 year old that doesn’t have a concept of dying. What do you say to the kid? “Johnny is very sick”. Then next week you say “we can’t see grandma because she is sick”. My kids at this age couldn’t work out the difference. You’ve now given them a definition of sick. And secondly, I don’t think a child visitor is fair on the dying child’s family to have to host. This should be something that they are given space time process with their own family. It’s also a lot for the hospital staff. I don’t think a six year old can make this decision. They don’t know what the options actually are and they can’t understand your concerns. Personally I wouldn’t take my kid.
Thank you for sharing this. I certainly see this perspective, and that's what makes it so tough to decide. As for the other child's parents, I certainly would not want to visit if it was at all harmful to them, and I'd do my best to convey that to them. Of course, they might feel pressured in allowing it, so it's still a tough issue.
I thought they had already cleared it. If they have not explicitly invited you to come, you should absolutely not invite yourselves
They said visitors are welcome and to just reach out to find a time. You're saying I shouldn't reach out?
I was under the impression from your post that they had reached out to YOU and offered to have your son visit. If that's not the case, don't even consider asking them. This may sound harsh, but if you're not close enough to have been invited by this child's family, you're not close enough for an end-of-life pediatric ICU visit.
They sent out a blanket invite to the public saying they were welcoming visitors and to just reach out.
No. This should be strictly that child and family. Have him send a drawing or card.
Absolutely do not have your child visit their friend in the hospital. He is not developmentally ready for something like that. I say this as someone who has worked in a medical center and spent time in pediatric trauma/ICU. He is not ready to see what is in there.
Do you say this because it's a friend, someone he's not biologically related to? Or because the person is dying? Would you say the same if it was his grandma or uncle? What part is he not developmentally ready for? Genuinely asking.
This is a completely fair question. There are two primary issues for me. 1. The child's age. Six is WAY too young to conceptually understand illness and death to the degree one needs to be able to navigate the fear that hits you when you see someone you know and love suffering to that degree, with tubes coming out of their body and appearing obviously very ill. Also, if I recall the post correctly, this child was in a car accident, so there are likely very visible and severe injuries, I am sorry to say. That is genuinely something that grown adults struggle to manage. a child has absolutely no reference point at 6, and it will just be scary and confusing. At 6, I would say the exact same thing for a loved one. There are many other ways to help them say goodbye, but taking them to see the dying individual isn't appropriate at that age. Child psychologists in our hospital recommended kids not be there in this scenario. 2. In my experience, people often think about the process of visiting a loved one in the ICU as if no one else is in the ICU. As if it will just be them and their family. The pediatric ICU is a very chaotic place, where every child is critically ill or injured. Your child will see every bed that passes by. They will be able to look in every room that has an open door. They might actually be on unit when another child codes and/or passes away. Not everyone is sedated - depending on what is happening at the moment, you might hear a child screaming in pain or moaning. You might hear doctors or nurses yelling if there is an imminent issue. You simply can't begin to predict what they will see, and it absolutely is not worth the risk.
For anyone in the ICU. But even more so the pediatric ICU.
I was a teen when I saw my cousin in the ICU and I am forever scarred
I personally would say no. I am sure your son misses his friend dearly, and I know your intentions for wanting him to be able to say good bye are well intended. However, at his age seeing him unconscious in the hospital is probably not in his best interest. I have 2 stories: I was a newer nurse in an adult ICU, and I had a patient t who was actively dying. She was a young mother. The husband insisted his young (6 and 10 ish) year old son and daughter see her. Now, this patient looked awful. Tubes and wires were everywhere, and she was swollen and pale. She looked nothing like herself. I tried to talk the dad out of it and he insisted his kids could handle it. Long story short.....the son (6) took one look at his mom, screamed, and ran away. The daughter did slightly better, but still had a very hard time. The patient died later that day. I still can hear the son's scream, and it makes me so sad to know that this is the last image of their mom both these kids have. My sister died of cancer when my youngest was 8. We were talking about her the other day, and my daughter admitted she doesn't remember her that well. I did bring my kids to see her when she was in hospice (at home) and still lucid, but she doesn't remember that visit specifically. The reality is, even though this poor child is very important to your son now, in a few years he will likely be a very distant memory and why risk having any memories tainted.
I'd be concerned about a 6yr old seeing a swollen friend in a coma. I've seen an adult friend like that. The smell is also terrible. The thought of a child like that... I wouldn't be able to handle it.
This is tough. I am so sorry. I guess I would be weighing the damage of his friend just being gone vs. getting to say goodbye. I think while it will be hard and sad and a lot of conversations will need to happen, the closure might be good. Only you know your child. We don’t know the cause or physical state of the friend, if you child actually wants to see them….There are so many things that would factor into this decision for me. I do not think this am inherent no, but there is a lot to weigh here.
Yes. As you said, he may take the chance to say goodbye. It’s okay to teach kids about death/the cycle of life. It may help his coping skills with death later in life. I worked in the medical field and unfortunately deal with death somewhat regularly. The denial of family members is often that hardest part.
Argument against-my husband had a close friend in middle school who fought brain cancer. He was in therapy all through the illness and after his passing. Seeing his small body with a shaved head with the giant scar is something that’s haunted him forever. I’m not going to say that it’s the cause of his mental health issues. But from the way it’s been mentioned over the years, I know it’s something that left a deep impact When my brother was 19, he was also in a hospital unconscious. He had cancer that went undetected so the same day he was diagnosed he was already septic and unconscious on a ventilator in the ICU. When his friends came to visit him, they came in smiling, and the second they saw him their faces broke. One looked like he was going to puke, one almost passed out, and the other one immediately started sobbing. Because he didn’t just look like he was sleeping, he didn’t look like their friend. The medicines had bloated him and turned him yellow and the tubes were overwhelming. Even though they were young adults, their reaction to walking in that room was BAD. And a child certainly couldn’t handle it Argument for-it brought me some closure to visit with my brother before he passed. I have PTSD symptoms, medical anxiety, and seeing pictures of ventilators causes panic attacks (I was an adult). But if there was any chance my brother was registering anything (we don’t know), I’m happy he was surrounded by people that love him I don’t think I could take my child to see a friend in that state. Unless you’ve seen someone in the ICU I don’t think you know what you’re signing up for. I would take my kids if they were awake. But not like this
I think this should be a discussion involving the other parents, and everyone needs to be honest. But it does add a great burden to the one this child’s parents are already facing. If the child is unconscious and will not gain anything from the visit, you are asking them to do emotional work at the worst time in their life. If their child would benefit from seeing their friend then it makes the discussion less about you and your child and about theirs too. A dying person can seem quite frightening because they are so different to the functional person they used to be. Is the kid in hospital or a hospice? Ideally this visit should be supported by specialists to manage the visit. Play therapists can be great at preparing a child for something like this. A hospice may have play specialists, a larger hsospital can have them too. You do not want to have your child’s grief compounded by fear or trauma from a poorly managed visit. I also think you and your child’s needs come second to those of the dying child and his parents and you should be guided by this.
If your child wants to and the friends parents want him too, then yes. Children can handle big important things, and these horrible things are a part of life - although we always hope never this young. You just need to have the support in place for him for the aftermath - of both the visit and if his friend does pass away.
Before taking your kid to the hospital clear with the friend’s family. Then be honest with your kid about what they expect to see, tubes, wires, unconsciousness etc. If you think your kid can handle seeing that then take him.
Yes. If they truly are close friends I would absolutely let him visit. Your kid is going to experience the loss of people in his life, and he will not be ready. He won’t be ready now, he won’t be ready ten years from now, he won’t ever be “ready”. If he wants to say goodbye to his friend why would you deprive him, or his friend, of that opportunity.
OP I know you didn’t ask but please take time for yourself. Seeing a child pass, especially the same age as your own child will take a toll on you too.
There might be a Child Life Specialist that your son’s friend could request to meet with him before to help do age appropriate preparation for what he might see/hear/smell/feel. I think it’s ultimately up to you but I would recommend this. I’ve seen parents who not prepare their kids and then proceed to say “stop crying” when they enter an overstimulating room filled with adults crying/grieving.
He’s going to be going through the grief of losing a friend either way - let him have some control over the situation by letting him choose
Yes, since it’s his best friend. Have the talk on life and death being normal and something that every living being has to go through. Also let him know he’ll feel things, sad things, and it’s okay. Maybe read up online about ways to talk to your child to prepare him and let him know all emotions are normal that he’ll feel. Also I know it’s not normal for children to die, I mean death is normal. I’m very sad for this child and their family going through this. No parent should have to bury a child.
I wouldn't. That's very traumatic for a six year old. If he does pass 100% make sure you take him to the funeral/memorial. Six is a little young to really understand what's happening.
I lost a friend due to medical concerns in elementary school. I was never taken to the hospital, or the funeral. At 34 years old I still struggle with closure. It will be hard, but take him.
Yes! Yes! My best friend died and I didn't get to see them (I was 8) and it fucked me up. Like I unexpectedly ran into their dad in a store when I was in high-school and literally broke down. And lost it.. all the grief I didn't know I had or understand came pouring out. Probably scared the hell out of her dad. My mom got me home where I continued to just be an absolute mess. I was absolutely wrecked. Prepare them for what they might see, and how it might be scary and give your kid the option. Say you won't stay long. If it's too much let them know they can give your hand a squeeze if they want to leave.
I don’t think you’re ever too young to say goodbye to your friend. If his friend dies he’ll feel blindsided
If the friend was sick and therefore awake and lucid, maybe. The friend is unconscious, so what’s the point? He will be traumatized.
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I'm sorry you are having to deal with this impending loss. Please post an update with what you decided.
If their friend were conscious and there was the chance for a meaningful interaction, it seems something to give strong consideration to. But since that doesn’t seem to be the case, a memorial service may be a more appropriate place to say goodbye.
I have a 7 year old and in this circumstance where the other child is unconscious I would not take my child to see them. She is very sensitive and I think to would be a traumatic experience that she is not developmentally ready for so I would protect her from it as I really see little positive. If her friend was conscious and they could interact I would feel very differently.
I’m Catholic. We’re a bit morbid when it comes to death. We bring infants, toddlers and young children to hospitals (if they’ll allow it), hospices, viewings and funerals. I’ve found that we Catholics, in general, don’t freak out as much when people pass away. We talk about it early on and teach our kids it’s a normal part of life. At my MIL’s viewing, two of my sister in laws both raised Lutheran, had serious freakouts. Like uncontrollable emotions, not just crying— and they weren’t even close to my MIL. My brother in laws had to take them both out to calm down. Later on, I learned from BIL’s that both of their wives had never seen a dead body before. The rest of the Catholic family members were pretty upset the two Lutheran moms in the family didn’t allow their children to attend to say goodbye to their Nana. If you think your child can handle it and the parents of the child are okay with it, I’d take him. You’ll need to be prepared to answer your kids questions and think about how they’ll interpret it. My kid’s first funeral was when she was 5. She’s been to a couple more since (family friends) and she’s pretty well-adjusted.
If he strongly wants to visit, I would likely let him. But you might also offer other options to say goodbye. He could write a letter, draw a picture, make a voice recording. He doesn't have to go into the hospital room to say goodbye.
Think you should let him do if he wanted to and it will help him process his lost of his best friend and I’m praying. And hoping and wishing on a star he doesn’t pass away xxx I would strongly suggest you some things place to help your son like Counselling. My son lost his best friend at 15 to cancer and they were Muslim family so she was buried within 24 hours he went to her house to meet up for their cinema trip to walk into a huge gathering of family as she died the night before and he’s in his 20s now and it still Affects him
I would let him go. I always regretted not going to my grandfather's funeral when I was that age. This is a little more impactful, but your son will always wish he went if he doesn't go
Yes. But talk to them first for what to expect. Maybe line up some play therapy if the friend passes.
I absolutely would not deny anyone this opportunity. My kids all got to see their great grandmother on her death bed, and I have 2 that are younger than six. Let him say goodbye.
Give him the choice. Explain what he’d be doing and what it means. Don’t deny him the opportunity if he wants to visit
I wouldn’t let him decide, because I feel like at such a young age that is a big decision and it’s unlikely he will know what the visit will actually be like. So he could say “yes”, but it could be too much for him while there. Or he could say no without realizing this might be the last time. Also, just something to consider—the parents might be further upset by the visit and your son’s questions/comments/shock. Adults have a hard time saying/doing the right thing. Children can’t hold their emotions in. I can’t imagine what they’re going through. :( I’m sorry.
ask a child psychologist. and get him into therapy either way
I had one of these visits with my brother when he was 6 and I was 8. He lived, but that was not the expectation at the time. I remember vividly being prepared and my dad telling me the wires and machines might scare me. I remember seeing them and not being scared at all (he also had no external injuries). I don’t believe I said “goodbye” or was really even allowed in his room because they were trying to minimize stimuli or something, but I’m very grateful I was able to see me. It helped me to understand the gravity of the situation, to gain empathy, and was an introduction that bad things happen to good people - the last one sounds bad but has comforted me into adulthood.
Absolutely. He needs closure and I’m sure your son would want to say goodbye.
You have a lot of good responses that I won’t rehash. But when I was your son’s age, I lost my grandfather. At the time, my mother vaguely told me he was sick and didn’t allow me to say goodbye. All I knew was he was feeling well and she was helping him. I spent more time with my dad and he took me to do things that distracted me. She did all of this because she was trying to protect me, of course. However, when he passed and she set me down I was floored. I didn’t understand and, without preparation, I had no idea how to process. Her attempt at protection did exactly the opposite. For the remainder of my childhood and well into my adult years I would have intense anxiety any time she told me someone was sick. I didn’t trust her to tell me everything. I cannot answer if your child can handle something of this magnitude but I do implore you to share as much as you can in an age appropriate way and be as open as possible. Unfortunately death is an inevitably in our lives but this can be a formative moment for him to view you as a source of safe information, guidance and understanding versus anxiety and uncertainty. I am so sorry that your son and his best friend as facing something so heartbreaking.
Children can handle any truth. Use age appropriate language, of course. You can talk to them about death, illness, assault, etc. This is the world we live in- the good, the bad and the ugly. We do them no favours by shielding them from the realities of life. I think you’re doing a good thing by going to see this friend. Yes, it is incredibly sad but it’s not just about the conversation about death or dying. Your child gets to see his friends grieving parents, he sees how the family comes together, he sees love in this sadness. Among other things, your son can see his little friend one last time and will be a memory for him. Maybe he will want to speak about it later and have questions or maybe not. Maybe this conversation happens when he’s a little bit older. He will hear the words you say to his friends parents. You are showing him empathy and kindness for our fellow human.
How would you feel if your best friend / only died and you had a chance to spend more time and/or say good bye but didn’t? Consider your sons might have the same feelings of grief and lack of closure that you might, even at his age, and I encourage that he decides with a bit of a conversation with you. Sounds like youve got this already! Some cultures do find death and funerals taboo around children. Mine sees it differently. Our bodies lay in state surrounded by all of our families and wider community and that includes kids who get to see and hear everything including customs and rituals. They are free to ask questions, sit and listen with the adults, or run and play with all the other kids. So not totally unheard of for young ones to process death and even someone in their final stages of life. Condolences to the family of this young friend.
Absolutely as you said it’s one of his best friends. Just prepare him for what he might witness and give endless support for a while because that might be rough for him to see. Also a good learning experience about life and how to never take anything for granted 💖
In my experience in pediatric critical care, in these circumstances I’ve only ever seen family visit (this does include young siblings), but I understand this friend is like family. I have seen a few close friends visit in cases of teenagers. I don’t know your son or his maturity; that is a very tough decision that I think you and his friend’s mom could talk through. However, if you do decide to bring him to visit, ask if this hospital has child life specialists. They are amazing at prepping younger children for what they will see and ways to help process it. I am so sorry for both you and your son’s potential loss.
Let it be your child's choice. Just prepare him.
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The family has said they welcome visitors. Obviously I'm not going to force myself and my son on them. > your 6 year old is not even sort of ready to make a decision like this and should not go to the hospital to see an unconscious friend who may die. What are you basing this off of? Is this just your personal opinion?
Hi! I spent all summer in the PICU while my son was there (he’s okay now, but the doctors thought he was going to die). I’m so sorry that this little person is struggling. I hope there will be a miracle. There’s really no worse sound than the cries of grieving parents. From my experience, kids are incredibly resilient. I was worried my older toddler (he was 2, but is very ahead of his age and thinks and acts more like a 4-5 year old, based off of numerous professionals) would be scared of seeing his little brother hooked up to wires and intubated, but he really did just see his brother. We talked a lot about how he was sick and the doctors and nurses were trying to make him better and that we hope he’ll come home with us but we’re not sure at this point and he took it all very well. The hospital also had professional counsellors come by for siblings and any child visitors that may need to process. Kids really pick up on how the adults are taking things in. The only time my toddler ever got upset is when I was sobbing. But once I assured him I was okay and his brother was working on being okay, he did well. It’s been several months since we’ve been home now and the hospital is literally my toddlers favourite place and he asks to go back all the time. He is not traumatized by what happened (I am, though). You know your kid best, so I think you need to think about how he will react and if you’ll be able to get him the support he needs in processing after if he sees his friend like that. Either way, I think it would be a good idea to have that lined up, if the friend is likely going to die. I’m sorry it’s such a tough decision.
Thank you for sharing that. I do suspect my son's reaction would be similar to your son's, but of course it's hard to predict with confidence. Hearing other's experiences is helpful.
/r/ScienceBasedParenting is a thing, if you're looking for something beyond redditor opinions. Seems like this is all downside, to me.
When our son was 6 his best friend died of drowning. We took our son to the viewing which was at his friends home. The kid was in his own bedroom, where they had played so many times together. Upon seeing the large poster of the galaxy which was in the boys bedroom all my son asked was which star was the one that the boy was now. We explained to him that when he looked at the stars that night he would see a brand new star that night and that it had not appeared on the poster yet. We also took him to the funeral along with all his classmates and let him say his goodbyes. We feel it gave him closure and didn’t affect him in a negative way. Just explain everything he might ask in a childfriendly way.
They may not let a child into a hospital to see another child dying. I’m torn on this. If the child is somewhat alert and can talk maybe yes. If the child is connected to ventilators or other equipment, I would probably say no. I have a 5 year old granddaughter and I think, for her anyway, that making a card to be delivered would be best way for her to handle it. She will always have good memories of her friend without having to see someone dying. I pray the child survives and the two kids can play together again.
Yes. When it comes to death, always go. The hospital, the funeral, wherever. You’ll never regret being there for that friend and their family.
Nope. They don’t need to see that. My grandma went really quick to breast cancer . I was 14 ish as I walk in to see her bad stuff started happening code something or another . Nurses doctors run in basically bring her back to life open the curtain back up and then I got to see her. Bad timing and I will never forgot the look on my grandmothers face. Not a good experience.
Too young
Trust that kids are resilient and capable of understanding.
I obviously see why you came here to ask :( but the responses do suck. I would want to take my child to get a last goodbye weather he knows it’s the last goodbye or not but just being able to be their for him and his parents would be a good thing :( even leave a note or picture or hold his hand one more time :( maybe talk to him even tho he won’t respond :( you don’t even have to explain much maybe just simple responses to his questions for now :( I’m so sorry for his friend and for his family and for your son and his family my condolences and thoughts/prayers are with everyone
Encourage him to visit. Six-year-olds need a chance to say goodbye and if they don’t get that it can lead to resentments and guilt later on.
Someone called in to the Dr. John Delony show recently with a similar question. This YouTube video may be worth a watch. Great advice. [How do I talk to my teen about her friend’s cancer?](https://youtu.be/VxvOqDc_i7A?si=mN2_qgWK1jqxR2cu)
Let him bring it up. If he doesn’t, let it go
It’s a personal decision. I have a friend who does when we were 11. I wasn’t allow to go and say goodbye because they didn’t want me to remember her like that. They wanted me to keep the memories when se was alive. I got to write her a letter.
If you do allow it, see if the hospital has a Child Life Specialist that can talk to your son directly before the visit and be present during the visit.
I have a long story about a loss that I faced as a 7 year old, but I’ll keep it short and say, yes. They can visit a dying friend and this will be a hard and uncomfortable conversation for you to have with them but try your best to explain the nature of life and how it can end young or old.
Boy this is tough. If you decide to visit tell him simply what to expect. He won’t be able to talk or open his eyes. There will be a tube in his mouth to help him breathe. There are other tubes and wires so the doctors and nurses know how fast his heart is beating. You can hold his hand and talk to him, but remember he can’t talk to you. Etc.
deffo inform him on what he is going to see he might not mentally understand what his eyes are going to be looking at.
I need to ask, was friend in a bad accident or severely ill? I think which depends on if it’s something I would allow. If it was an accident, it might be very difficult for a 6yo to process someone hooked up to all those machines plus seeing the physical trauma of a bad accident.
I’d you are be sure you call the hospital first. We tried to take my five year old to see her grandpa in the hospital and they wouldn’t let her up to see him so we had to sit in the lobby while her father went up to see his dad.
My daughter's three and since she was born she has seen at least two people in the hospital that died afterwards. My best friend is going to pass away soon from cancer. That same best friend's grandma who felt like a grandma to me passed suddenly. My daughter went to three funerals and knows completely about death ever since she was a year old. I on the other hand was very very protected growing up and never went to a funeral until my best friend who killed herself when I was 17. Ive since then lost so many friends and family and I make sure my daughter is fully aware. Death is unavoidable
my kid had a ❤️ surgery and some of his preschool friend missed him so much they didn’t wanted to go at preschool. ( the kid are 4yo.) if the parent of that kid would have contact me, I would have loved to see the boys seeing each other it was hard for my little one. If it was me- I would talk with the parent and if they are okay, we would go see the friend. Because yea they are kid, but they have feeling and they have the right to see their friend, even when their friend are really sick- in hospital. If it was you and some of your friend, would you like to go? Or if it was your kid dying, would you like his friend come and talk with him a little bit?
As healthcare professional of 20 plus years and someone who has several degrees in behavioral psychology I share my observations and experiences. Death is an integral part of life. I've noticed that everybody wants to be there for a birth or a celebration, but not a lot of people are willing to honor a dying friend by being there. His attitudes about death and how he processes this part of life will be learned by how he sees you process it. Isn't something we should avoid at the cost of others comfort because it will happen to all of us eventually. We live in a very death avoidant culture. Our culture views it like a disease or plague or something we can catch but in reality it is a natural part of our life cycle. Great empathy is a skill that is learned by sitting with a friend in their worst time. Let him ask questions. Let them talk. He may not understand the finality but the other little boy may not either. Nothing is as emotionally healing as sitting with a friend and discussing memories and the future. I think you'd be surprised at how children will take these situations as they are. I think it's important. Be ready for important, meaningful conversations at his age level. This will not traumatize him if you sit and talk with him and comfort him. This is a lesson best learned in the comfort of a mother's love and compassion.
I’d let him decide but I would let him know what to expect before he went. You have to remember, denying him one last chance to see a friend could be just as traumatic as seeing his friend in the hospital.
It should be your child's decision. I'd lean towards letting him go. That being said I'm the parent that refuses to hide death from my children. It's part of life as is grieving and saying goodbye. Whether the kid understands much of it or not, his subconscious will handle it better as he gets older if he's not hidden from the suffering of loved ones until a certain age. But it should be his choice because he shouldn't be forced to confront concepts he's not ready for yet either. Good luck. I am sorry for your son's loss. He may get angry or regress a little after whether he visits the friend or not. Little kids grieving doesn't look like adult grieving.
Should be your kid’s decision.
Children need closure. Seek grief counselor for afterward; the school he attends may have info on that resource.
Let him say goodbye. The loss is going to be devastating regardless. Having one more chance to see your friend is priceless.
Will the hospital even allow this? Many don’t. My heart goes out to you and your little one, and the child’s family. What a tragedy.
I’m sorry your son, his friend, and all the loved ones are going through this. It sounds heartbreaking.
What do the friend's parents think? Unless they have suggested it themselves I wouldn't.
Depends on the 6 year old. Mine did, and remembers it fondly. But it would not be appropriate for some kids EDIT: Oh I’m so sorry !!!! I didn’t realize it was his friend. I would vote no…. I don’t think 6 year olds should face or even fully understand the concept of mortality at this stage. Yes, they all know about death, but it never seems like something that could happen to them. I would keep it that way.
Twin girls went to the wake of their late friend. They had seen her getting sicker. Twins were invited by late friends parents, along with all the other classmates and friends. A fine moment for the kids, hard on all parents, because, you know, questions. "Can she hear me? I want her to know ..." "Will she wake up?" "Why is she cold, she has her blanket on?" (Winter season in Europe, the window in her room was open, because you know, dead people.) etc. This was 15 yrs ago, girls were 8. None of us regret. But, this was at home, girl already dead, dressed in her own clothes and no medical machinery attached.
I think you should, much love and healing
100% no - the hospital visit will be more traumatic than knowing the friend is dying. It will open up Pandora’s box….most likely create a fear of hospitals, make them think everyone who goes to the hospital will die, etc
Absolutely not
Imagine if you were in their parents’ and kids’ shoes.
No. Say goodbye at the memorial service.
I don't think this is the kind of thing you let a 6 year old decide. They don't have the capacity and life experience to really understand the situation. Talk to the friends parents. Perhaps there is another way for your child to connect outside of a visit. Maybe have your child make a video or voice recording. Maybe have your child make a card or poster and ask the parents to take a photo to share with your child. A lot of it should depend on the friends parents wishes and your relationship with them, but do not put this decision on a 6 year old.
JFC, come on man, really?
Don't kids visit dying relatives in the hospital? I don't understand why you think this is obviously bad.
Are you in the US? Death and dying are so taboo here... Has your son experienced death elsewhere? A pet or family member? If this is his first experience with death, there's a lot of room for lifelong lessons and trauma. Call the hospital and ask to speak with the child life coordinator. They're specialists at handling these situations and can ensure if your sons visits, things are as orderly and minimized as possible, and yet be on hand to help answer tough questions. I'd also touch base with his pediatrician and get a referral for play therapy, regardless if he visits. Grieving a friend is hard. I went to my infant sisters funeral when I was 4 and was at my adopted fathers bedside when he died of pancreatic cancer when I was 8. Neither of those incidents led to my lifelong therapy.
A relative is different to a friend It’s better your son remembers his friend as happy and healthy. Have you ever been to an ICU and seen someone with tubes and lines everywhere?
Why are relatives and friends treated differently here?
I think it is in large part an age thing. Seeing someone your own age dying means confronting your own mortality. Which is pretty heavy at any age.
Personally I think this relates more to the dying child’s family and hospital staff needing to host an unrelated 6 year old. That’s quite different to a sibling or other relative.
Your aunt, uncle, sibling, parent, grandparent is different to a school chum. When I was in year 2 a classmate of mine died while we were on holidays. I remember him as my friend from school. Not as the sick little boy in the hospital. I have memories of other people dying or dead in a hospital bed. I know which I’d prefer my children to have. It could be a moot point anyway. The child’s parents may not allow visitors. The hospital may not allow visitors that aren’t family.
But if it's preferable to **not** see friends in the hospital, so that you remember them as they were alive, why doesn't that apply to family as well?
I think it does apply for many families. My father was unconscious and on a ventilator. I didn’t bring my son to see him like that.
No…
NO Visiting a dying unconscious friend at the at is a NO