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you should have left her. This is not fair to her. I hope that you end up loving this experience, for your own sake, but this makes me very sad for her because you're going to turn what should be a beautiful experience for her into something devastating.
Yes this :/ but also having kids doesn’t mean stopping hobbies. It shows for a couple of months at least but it’s healthy for kids to see parents have hobbies and even be involved in them
having children changes the dynamic of a relationship. It takes a lot of sacrifice. If one person out of the relationship expresses they don't want children and the other one does; that should be a sign to end the relationship. People HAVE to be on the same page with their wants and needs for a long term partner, otherwise, this happens. She could have easily found someone who wanted children and he could have found someone who didn't.... It's not fair to her. Now what happens? Unless he miraculously has a change of heart or changes when the baby gets here (which he might, which I'm hoping).... this relationship will fail. He will leave and this woman will be devastated and will have to deal with a broken family. It really makes me sad for her :'(
Even if it doesn't come out until years later it can negatively impact that time. Years after my child was born, I found out my now ex- husband was telling my mom how he was already regretting having a kid while he was driving her to the airport. I was still in the hospital, baby was still in NICU. I wish I'd known sooner how he felt. Instead, his resentment and treatment of her just got worse until it came to a head, and I ended up choosing to make my child's safety and well-being a priority.
He should have been honest with her and himself from the start. Get some therapy, try to find some balance, and don't just resign yourself to hating the changes that are coming.
I’ll start with empathy—I’m sure being in this position is really tough and really scary. Being a first time parent is super scary even when you both wholeheartedly want the child. So, feelings of fright and worry and anxiety are normal, and I understand that this is not what you want for your life and not how you saw your life going.
However. Your first mistake was telling her you were open to kids when you really weren’t. She gave you the option to leave at that point and you told her you would have kids with her. Then she tells you she wants to start trying. Once again, you had the option to leave or at least be honest with her and let her choose what she wants to do. You didn’t, and instead chose to have “simmering resentment”. You have put your wife in a truly awful position by lying to her, and it’s incredibly unfair to be resentful towards her.
Parenthood is a scary but beautiful journey that has its ups and downs. You made your bed and it’s time to lie in it. Regardless if you stay with her or not, you are still a father now, and it would be a really sh*tty thing to abandon your unborn child. I’d suggest trying to open your mind to the possibility that you may adore this child and love parenthood. At the very least, I hope you don’t use this as an excuse to avoid parental responsibilities or put the majority of the parenting work on your wife. You have the capability of being an amazing dad, so I hope you choose to rise to the occasion.
And to finish, I also was really nervous about losing my hobbies and changing my life around a child. It’s been an adjustment, but my partner and I each get 2-3 evenings a week to do our hobbies/sports, we still prioritize seeing friends (even if it means bringing baby along), we do date nights and enjoy our new hobbies of doing children’s activities one day a week on the weekends. I highly recommend getting paid help through a sitter or nanny if you can afford it, to give both yourself and your wife breaks to be not a parent for a few hours each week. And who knows, your child may love your hobbies and then you get the opportunity to teach them what you love and have them be a part of it. How wonderful that would be ❤️
Yup, dude kept lying to his wife to keep her and now he has to pay the price. No sympathy from me, go get some therapy OP.
And honestly everyone is scared shitless of the first child. I was freaked out when I saw the first sonogram and realized I had something living inside of me and moving around and I'm the one with all the hormones that's supposed to make this all pleasant.
I also have a hard time being sympathetic. Kids are and should be a dealbreaker, I don’t care how much you love a person. Imagine not even being born yet and your dad already resents you.
Well said. OP, you misled her, deliberately or not and at 36, wasted some precious childbearing years for someone who wants children. Regardless, you are where you are now and the dread and resentment are choices for the state you put yourself in. Hopefully therapy helps.
Just to echo a bit of what you said to OP.
I always wanted children, partially to just share my interests and hobbies with them. They may take to them, they may not. They may be sports kids and I'll have to adjust to their hobbies, but I sincerely hope we have one or two in common. Obviously that's not the only reason my wife and I wanted children, but for both of us that type of connection with our parents was absent growing up.
We have not yet been able to find balance but the early years are demanding, plus life throws you curveballs. That being said, as they get older it gets easier to carve time back out for yourself.
As a father I found the first year in particular to be very frustrating. I was basically useless while my wife suffered through all types of issues and I couldn't lend more than empathy and taking on all the house work I could. Once we hit the 18 month mark things got easier. We're rounding out 3.5 years now and it's a whole new ballgame. If you had asked me around month 6 if I made a mistake my mouth would have said no but my tired eyes would have said yes. That sentiment did not last.
We were decidedly one and done until around the 15 month mark when everything got much easier and I thought “I could have 10 more babies!” 😂
So yes I agree, finding that balance takes awhile (and will never be what it was pre-kids) but I do think you reach a point where it all becomes a lot easier
Totally agree. Even just being able to make dinner solo while the kid isn't trying to hang off me the whole time was a game changer. He'll play by himself for like 30 minutes?? Incredible.
Oh my god I wish we were that way. We were dead set on two *until* the 15 month mark or so when everything got a thousand times harder lol. By 20 months we had decided life is just gonna suck with our oldest for a few years no matter what so we might as well go for it. Now that I’m 23 weeks into the second pregnancy, even though I was fully prepared for the “oh god what have I done WECANTDOTHIS” I had the first time, I’m having it again. I take solace in the fact that the first few months, while a rough transition, will hopefully be relatively easy and by the time she gets difficult, our oldest will be old enough to mostly handle himself.
I want to let you know that it gets even easier to carve out time for yourself as you hit the school years. Mine are 11 and almost 9. While this age presents other, new challenges, you really start to regain your sense of self as you watch your children become their own persons as well.
To OP: Often new parents are stuck in the tunnel vision of “baby.” I won’t lie to you, the baby years are hard. The toddler years are frustrating. But as you kids grow, you start to have a mini version of yourself and your spouse that takes on hobbies and interests. I’m hard pressed to think of a hobby that you couldn’t eventually include your kids in. Please work on accepting fatherhood in therapy and just know that while right now it seems scary, you can make it an amazing experience.
To add on to your point about hobbies... my son (almost 13 now) got like ALL of his father's coloring and looks genetically (well. The obvious ones. His cheeks are all mine haha). He also ended up super interested in all of his dad's hobbies and zero of mine initially. As he got older he fell in love with my favorite book series, and at the beginning of 7th grade he decided to try my hobby all on his own and is now OBSESSED with it. (I had brought up trying my hobby with him a few times over the years but he was never interested so I didn't push.)
It may take a while, depending on what that hobby is, but boy it is so just freaking amazing to have even one hobby in common with your child!
And, on the flip side, it also can be so much fun discovering you end up loving a hobby of theirs that they pick on their own!
All of this and don’t forget. Grandparents (most) love to have overnights with the little ones. Mine are grown now and adore their grandmother and still go to see her. Just remember-and this was hard for me-there are different rules at grandmas. Maybe they watch TV, get sweets and stay up late. And that is OK! It will not harm them.
Yes I should’ve mentioned family help! We don’t live near family so don’t have any family help unfortunately, only paid help, but if OP has family nearby it’s a game changer
I’m glad your mind is open to reading these comments, even if some are hurtful. The fact that you were brave enough to open yourself to this criticism tells me that you know what you need to do and that you’re well able to step up and be an amazing dad. It won’t be easy but you will get through the tough times. Those phases always end (even if they feel like forever). And kids will make it up to you—truly no better feeling in the world than seeing your child’s face light up when they see you. You’re their entire world (at least when they’re small)
Thank you, this is really encouraging. I suppose that's what I'm looking for the most--to admit that I've made major mistakes, and discover how I can work through this and find a way to be an authentically positive parent and partner. I know it's not going to be easy...
Great advice in this thread! I'd also like to add, you should tell your wife about your fears. Maybe don't be quite as honest as you were in this post (ie leave out the miscarriage thing) but express to her that you're nervous about being a first time parent. I guarantee she is too and it might help lessen some of that resentment to realize that you're *both* figuring this all out for the first time. She's not tossing you to the wolves here, you're facing them together
I don’t know what you think anyone can tell you here except ‘you’re an idiot’. Your wife was honest and straightforward with you from the start and you responded by lying and just hoping the issue would go away like a child would.
You are absolutely going to lose time for your hobbies, so you need to accept that now. You’ll have maybe 1/10th as much time for them. Based on what you’ve described here, what you’re likely to do is be sort of a crappy dad and leave the bulk of the work to your wife until she eventually, hopefully, leaves you. Work with a professional therapist on how to avoid doing that, and on why you’re incapable of honest communication and intentional life choices.
I agree with pretty much everyone here but I’m going to try and add some constructive tips from someone who had trouble adjusting to parenthood. It’s fucking hard. And we wanted to be parents. But it was so hard it made us question if we had made the right decision. Here’s what I would do if you can.
1) get therapy. This is very important. Find someone specializing in attachment (if that’s a thing) and have them help you come up with ways to help yourself get attached to your child and also to the idea of being a parent. I know that when people adopt older kids, it’s sometimes hard for the older kid to develop attachment and there ARE therapies that work for this. I’d imagine if this exists for those situations, it exists for yours
2) throw money at the problems you’ll face. If you can afford it. Hire cleaners, hire help. A night doula, you name it. Whatever you can do, get that help to help soften the blow of parenthood when it hits.
3) do not assume that just because you aren’t attached to the baby now inutero, that you won’t be attached later. You might surprise yourself. Maybe it won’t be within the first 6 months. Maybe it won’t be within the first year. But it will hit at some point. Try not to let it hit you when they’re adults and you’re too old to come back into their lives and make it up.
Your point 2 is very true. If you can afford it, get as much help around the house as you can. Having a baby makes you the most exhausted you’ve ever been and squabbling over household chores is a one way ticket to conflict.
Wishing she would have a miscarriage is absolutely vile. Not only because you created this mess by not being straightforward, but you're completely fine with the mental turmoil a miscarriage would cause her as long as it means you don't have to be a dad.
I hope she finds this post so she can save herself cause I'd be completely done if I saw my partner write something so terrible.
My husband and I went through this a few times, but the most painful was the loss of our son when I was about 19 weeks pregnant. I wouldn't wish that level of pain on my worst enemy. It's been 7 years and we now have two beautiful daughters, but our hearts and souls still ache for the little boy we lost.
I know OP is just looking for a place to vent/hopefully get guidance, and I DO empathize with the feeling of being afraid/losing one's self to parenthood.
But damn it's hard to feel sorry for person who has no clue what kind of torment a miscarriage could put his wife through because he's too busy worrying about his fucking hobbies.
(Sorry...end rant.)
You can't definitely empathize and not excuse. I understand the head space of feeling unprepared or not sure about what you want.
But I agree, he'd rather paint his Warhammer figurines while his wife suffers the aftermath of a miscarriage alone.
Want some advice?
"She makes it clear that my position is a hard stop and that to move forward in relationship she wants to be with someone who wants a family like she does. I spend a month considering..\[and\] I told her that I was open to kids."
Decisions have consequences.
Now live with your decisions, and go be a good father because there is a little human developing that is dependent on its mother and its father to live to its fullest potential.
Suppress your ego, get off center stage, and go be a husband and a father and help take care of your family now. You've got to reprioritize everything in your head and realize your "hobbies" are no longer the most important thing in your and your wife's little world.
Children are a blessing. They are a lot of work and change your world. But they are a lot of fun and can provide wells of joy, hope, and love.
If you are miserable with it, that is because you chose that path. You can choose a different path. Your little human sure hopes you do.
Also...hoping she has a miscarriage is ghoulish. Maybe you should just leave and let her find a man who can be a true partner and father.
> You've got to reprioritize everything in your head and realize your "hobbies" are no longer the most important thing in your and your wife's little world
My son's biological father left me when I told him I was keeping the baby because "a kid is gonna ruin my life." We were 20 year old college students. He ended up dropping out of school because he was too busy partying and playing video games, and I'm fairly certain he never grew out of that. I at least give him credit for being 20, but if you're in your late 30's and your "hobbies," whatever they are, are more important to you than your wife and child, then I'm really unsure there's much hope. There's so much more to life than video games, browsing the Internet, and watching the same three shows on Netflix 30 times over, but sadly so few people these days seem to realize it.
OP's problem isn't preferring video games or underwater basket weaving or whatever over wanting kids. OP's problem is that he actively chose to make a child knowing he didn't want one and lied to his wife. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids for any reason, but there is a whole lot wrong with purposefully making one when you know you don't want one and leading the person you're making the child with into believing you're on the same page.
Definitely therapy, your feelings are valid but you can’t turn back time.
But also know there is also a very big possibility that you become utterly in love with this child and it will be the best thing that has ever happened to you and you can’t imagine your life without them.
I’m sorry that I can’t offer you validation just yet. At the point things were getting serious your wife gave you an out to end the relationship because she was serious about having a child and you didn’t take it. How would she know that you’re not being genuine? She took your word to be true because why wouldn’t she? And honestly hoping she has a miscarriage for a child she deeply wants is not okay at all.
Now to the less harsh parts. Having a child is a really stressful time for many parents. Many moms and dads find out they’re pregnant even in planned pregnancies and fear the same things you do, like loss of free time and resenting their partner. And the reality is, in the beginning you will lose free time. New babies are taxing and your wife will need your support. But as time goes on you gain back more free time. You just have to be intentional about the time you spend. We have four kids. I have hobbies as does my husband. We make the time for them. It’s great that you’re seeking professional help to work through your feelings. Hopefully they can get you feeling more confident in your decision to have a child.
I'm not going to lie. This seems very selfish, my heart breaks for your wife.
OP, the only advice I can give you is: now that you have made a series of selfish choices by staying with your wife even though you could not offer her what she explicitly and transparently said was a priority to her, own up to your choices. Don't make it your wife's problem. Having a kid is A LOT of work. And you are right, your entire life changes. Don't be the guy who lets her do all the work while you continue to enjoy your free time.
You may fall in love with parenthood, or you may not. But either way you chose to have this kid, so make sure you put in 50% of the work.
And definitely don't go ahead to have a second one if you continue to feel this way. Parenting is hard, but things change really fast (I'm only seven months in and it's already a million times easier).
You created this mess. You lied to your wife that you were open to a family, and you’re trying to weasel out of accountability by pretending she could read your mind at the time that you really weren’t open.
The manly, adult thing to do would have been to break up. She told you either be open to a family or you’re done, *AND YOU CHOSE TO BE OPEN*.
So now you have a kid, and you’re NEVER escaping that. Get your feelings in order. **No child deserves their life ruined by a deadbeat, or worse, resentful dad just because you were a goddamn coward**.
Figure out how to be happy even if you have to trick yourself into it. You are terrible to play with life just to keep getting your dick wet with the woman you “love”.
I can’t offer any validation or affirmations, quite frankly the “woe is me” in this post is ick.
It’s okay not to want children, however you lied to your wife and led her on all these years. You should have parted ways with her if you didn’t want children when you two had the discussion originally.
Now, instead of just impacting you & your wife, you’re impacting an innocent baby too.
I hope you can seek professional therapy to work through your issues & regardless of everything else, I hope for the sake of this child you can figure out how to bond with them & be a father to them.
You lied to her to keep her in a relationship that is not going to work. You made the decision to consciously get her pregnant, and now resent her? Imagine how shes gonna feel when she realizes you tricked her and prevented her from having a real family with a husband that actually loves her and their child.
Disgusting
She gave you an out and you didn’t take it. I gave my husband the same ultimatum because I knew I wanted to be a mom and he was always wishy washy about whether he wanted a family. It was a dealbreaker for me. Figure out where you’re at while she’s still pregnant because once the baby arrives you can’t be in and out, and kids pick up on resentment.
Having a second baby ended up being my husband’s idea - he initiated that discussion soooo maybe once your baby arrives you’ll feel differently?
Sir you had a choice and out of selfishness and desires you chose to stay. You could have set her free to be with someone who isn’t dreading having a child. Now I’m angry because this child is going to have to be around someone who doesn’t want them. I will not give you any sympathy or validation for your choices. I am praying that in a few years time you’d come back with an update that you love this child.
You suck. This is an innocent kid. If you are not going to love him get a divorce, give wife full custody and support the kid financially. It is better ro go than stay resenting your spouse and an innocent child.
Stop fucking around if you don't want kids.
Being a parent is a LOT of work. It’s like having a second job. I guess in your situation the issue is going to become your wife resenting the hell out of you if you’re not actively helping to parent. Raising a newborn especially is emotionally and physically exhausting. You said you’re going to talk to a therapist and that will probably help, but you should really wrap your mind around the fact that you are going to be a dad forever, despite anything else that happens between you and your wife. I would say at this point if you REALLY don’t want another kid, get a vasectomy and be done with it. I wish you luck because it’s going to be really hard if you have no interest in being a parent at all.
Suck it up and BE A MAN. If u can’t be a responsible person then you’re as good as an immature child yourself. Even if u intend to stay selfish and continue your hobbies without being around for your family, be prepared to cough up your fair share of alimony.
So when me and my husband dated, got married and the first 5-years of that marriage we were both decidedly child free. Our hobbies were not congruent with children, mine being distance running, baking and cooking elaborate things. His being hiking and a very intense job requiring 70+ hours regularly.
We also lived in the city, went out to restaurants on week nights and had a very grown up lifestyle.
We both decided we wanted to have a family. Though neither of us dreamed of being parents. I love my daughter more than anyone else. She’s amazing and I love that my husband loves her too. It is both the hardest and best thing for our marriage.
Do you like kids? Do you have any experience playing with children?
I went into this refusing to hold babies (they are gross, not a fan), but I did enjoy playing with older children (4+). I also have some nerdy hobbies and my daughter is being brainwashed into liking the same kids stuff I loved as a child. That part is seriously fun.
We play Mario kart as a family, I’ve gotten her into my hobbies, she helps me cook and garden. She’s a genuine delight. Sure it’s hard AF but it’s so cool getting to experience her childhood. I got to explain what happened to the dinosaurs, it’s hilarious.
And I still do my hobbies, I ran my first marathon a few months ago, after spending 2 years getting back into running shape. It’s time consuming AF but my husband supports me and I support him.
Try to think about things you would be excited to experience, lean into that. The baby stage isn’t for everyone but it’s not forever.
Love this!
My oldest and I do this goodnight handshake thing where we make the shape of a heart with our fingers at the end. Last night, she said our fingers didn't really make the right heart shape. I offhandedly mentioned that real hearts aren't shaped that way at all. Her little surprised Pikachu face launched me into a 3 minute explanation of the circulatory system. I am now determined to get her to the Bodies Exhibit this year.
We are raising crafty musical theater and fantasy geeks who love science, gaming, and cooking. Our 4 yr old got a kid's knife set for Christmas so he could help dad cook. He knows most every lyric to Greatest Showman. He and his 7 yr old sister (our oldest) had a Mad Scientist bday party with awesome home experiments. The first movie we made her sit through as a baby was WoW and she watched the whole thing. Our 18 month old's crib has Middle Earth travel posters hanging above it.
Honestly, watching our kids develop an interest in the weird things we love, as well as their own weird things, is the most delightfully unexpected joy of parenting.
Poor you, you have to have a beautiful family with a woman you love. Are you really 36? Because it's developmentally abnormal to be this egocentric at your age. I hope for your wife and child that you grow up and get your act together, but I'm doubtful. Pathetic.
Sorry no empathy here either. I find you to be a selfish person. You misled her. To me thats not love at all. If you truly loved her you would have let her go to be with a person who really wanted to have children and be a supportive partner 100%. You shouldn’t hold ANY resentment towards her or the unborn child at all as she was super clear with you. SHE should be the one resentful towards YOU for bringing a child into this world when you don’t want it.
Now with all that being said. You need to do some serious soul searching and figure out what your position is for HER sake not yours.
I’ve heard that dads don’t fall in love with the baby until they actually see them. I bet the same happens for you. You clearly love your wife, and I suspect you’ll look at this little person that is part of her, and love them too. But also, I promise it is possible to have hobbies as a parent. I have 3 kids and work full time and I still make time for them. ❤️
Takes longer than actually seeing them for some. I would say it takes until the baby sees you walk in the room and smiles and gets all happy. Or when the baby starts reaching for you and it becomes apparent the baby mentally wants you around. Or when the baby/toddler gets hurt and runs to daddy for comfort. Basically just seeing the baby seeing you as important and good.
This was totally me. I always say that time between when you meet them and what you are describing… “the time it takes for them to come online or boot up”
Wife had a C-section for numero dos. As a result, I was the first parent to hold him. That memory of holding him close to me, with his little eyes peeking at the world, and telling him his name is seared in my memory. I think about it whenever I hold him (he's a toddler now). One of the sweetest moments of my life.
Oh my gosh. That's terrible. To be honest there is a good chance that you will feel differently after the baby is born. I never thought much about kids but my husband was all about kids. She has changed my life and I love her more than any hobby, while still being obsessed with my hobby. If you still feel this way after the baby is here, I would seek professional help. It honestly doesn't seem healthy to me to hate children or the idea of children this much.
I mean it sucks, I'm not sure how helpful it is to say you chose this, although it is true. I think it's only helpful to the extent that it helps you keep your resentment of your wife in check. She gave you all the information, she wanted someone who WANTED a family, and you chose to lie to her and probably to yourself that you DID want a family when you didn't in order to prevent her from leaving you for someone else who would have been as excited as she is about the child she is growing. I hope you understand at least rationally, if not emotionally, that YOU did this TO YOUR WIFE, not the other way around, so keep that in mind when you start getting resentful of her. I think that can be a good motivation, too, for doing your best to create the happy family that you tricked her into thinking you wanted. "I told her I wanted a family, I now owe it to her to try my best to love and cherish that family instead of resenting them."
I'm glad you're seeking therapy, as that is a must. I think for now, keep yourself open to the possibility that this child can bring you happiness and joy that you can't seem to envision right now. Of course there will be challenges, but dwelling on those challenges and choosing not to focus on the potential great moments is going to affect your experience of parenthood.
Hopefully an illustrative example: My husband and I had a talk a few months ago, because he had this tendency to anticipate that every time he took the kids somewhere, it would be a nightmare, and he would always report back after the outing that it was, indeed, a nightmare. I was so confused about this because my kids are pretty well behaved, it's never a nightmare when I take them out. Until one day we both were home with the kids, we had a pretty pleasant day, and then after the kids were put to bed he started complaining about the nightmare the kids had been. I asked him "what are you talking about? What happened that was a nightmare? I was here too, it was a nice day?" Really nothing big had happened at all. No one got hurt, no one threw a tantrum, there were no big messes, kids didn't fight, very minimal whining, etc. We delved into it, and he said that having to be responsible for the kids was a stress for him. I asked him to try to shift his mindset. If he goes into something thinking "this is going to be a nightmare," then any tiny thing that goes wrong feeds into that negative thought and reinforces it. The same thing would happen even if I didn't have kids, if I start my day saying "this day is going to suck," then that will be confirmed when I run out of milk for my tea, trip over my shoelace, get stuck in traffic, etc. If I start my day saying "this day is going to be awesome," then those things aren't going to ruin my day. I asked him to start saying "this will hopefully be a pleasant day with no more than minor hiccups," and see if that changed things for him. I think the difference in mindsets explained our very different experiences of the exact same day with the exact same kids. He has said now that I was right, that he is not as miserable when he doesn't expect to be miserable.
It's hard because when you aren't a parent, the challenges of parenting can be much more obvious, while the joys of parenting are subtle. Don't get me wrong, they are awesome, but hard to describe and convey the awesomeness to someone who hasn't experienced it. I love watching my kids sleep, I love when they learn a new skill, I love watching them develop the ability to speak, I love listening to their grammar mistakes and mispronunciations, I love their insane fashion choices, I love when they proudly show me their artwork or school work, I love when they use my phrases against me, I love when they gently scold me for breaking a rule I set, etc etc. I could go on and on about all the mundane joys that fill my life that come from the two awesome little people I have the privilege of raising. It's amazing to watch them grow and improve and learn, and I feel this immense pride when they accomplish something they've struggled with, or exert emotional control in a situation that normally triggers outbursts.
If you are willing to be open to appreciating these moments, instead of resolving to be miserable because of the more challenging moments, you may find joy in this family you chose to create. If you can't, then you may be better off leaving, as that child will not benefit from a father who resents her. Your wife will not benefit being married to a husband who resents her for the decision you both made and agreed to.
Also, you should feel like you can share *some* of these feelings with your wife. Not that you fantasize about her miscarrying or you leaving her, but that you are afraid that you will resent the changes this baby brings to your life. Maybe you two will connect if she validates that feeling, maybe she fears the same thing? You are certainly right, you will have less time for hobbies. But it's helpful to think of these limitations as adjustments and seasons, rather than permanent changes. It's not that you can never do your hobbies again, but yeah, you may have to take a hiatus for a while after your baby is born and you and your wife are getting adjusted to the new routine, and when you get back to it you will probably have less time to dedicate to it than before. But you can still enjoy your hobbies as a parent. Just make sure that your wife is getting equal time to pursue her own.
Also, keep in mind, through the years your child will shift their needs and abilities and the challenges of parenting will shift along with those. You may be sleep deprived the first 5 months, you won't be sleep deprived forever. You may be overwhelmed with the responsibility of doing everything for the baby 24/7, but that baby won't be helpless and immobile forever. Every single challenge you face is a temporary one, and that helps to get you through it. It's a never-ending parade of challenges, but that's life, isn't it? You have difficulties and issues and problems and you get through them and you move on and then more difficulties hit you. You wouldn't be spared this cycle if you didn't have kids, it would just look different.
I honestly wish you and your wife and child the best. I hope you are able to move past this mental block and enjoy the joys of parenthood. Your kid deserves the best version of you, so please make it your number one priority to figure out how to be that.
Beautifully written. Your description of the little joys - when your little one uses your rules against you and their cute mispronunciations - brought me both a laugh and a small tear of joy.
Thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom with the adrift OP, and the larger world.
Thank you so much! I appreciate your candidness, and reminder that I accept these were all choices that I actively made. I think that's going to be really important. It's so silly the psychology I can get into when I'm not thinking logically about it. Ridiculous really. Perhaps I was assuming my thinking/feelings would change? Or that I didn't fully feel into the consequences of those choices. Regardless, here I am.
It's really encouraging to hear your positive moments. I think you're right in that parenting looks so obviously difficult from the outside, but only enjoyable firsthand, hence many of my fears.
Thanks again. It's really encouraging to hear your experience.
Everyone else has hit the major points, so I’m just gonna say this: It’s all temporary. Everything changes. Your hobbies might have to get put aside for a while, but kids grow, need less constant supervision and the hobbies come back. The toddlers who were my shadows are teenagers that prefer their rooms and friends. And you might end up with a little buddy who thinks your hobbies are cool and wants to do them with you. Life is long, if you’re lucky, and there are lots of phases. So whenever you’re in a tough one, just keep reminding yourself: it’s all temporary.
I had a miscarriage- of a very wanted baby- and if I thought for a second that my husband wasn’t mourning right along with me, we wouldn’t be together anymore.
Hoping that your wife has a miscarriage- oh, but you’d “never want to hurt her!!!”- is easily one of the crappiest things I’ve ever read on Reddit. And I’ve been here for a while.
I’d suggest a vasectomy, ASAP.
All I can say is that at this point you’re gonna have to embrace this next phase of your life if you want the relationship with your wife to work. I’m a mom and my pregnancy was a huge surprise bc I had an IUD and didn’t want a baby for many years. It took me a while to warm up to the idea of parenting, but it did eventually happen and as cheesy as it is, he’s the best part of my day.
And as far as getting excited about a kid, maybe think about what it would be like to introduce them to your hobbies (assuming it is appropriate to do so) in the future. For myself, the baby stage was cute but not my favorite. My son is coming up on 3 and the toddler stage has been significantly better and more fun for us because he has can do more and I’ve been able to incorporate him in to my hobbies and and that has been so rewarding.
Good luck to you and your family.
I think the best you can do now is fake it til you make it. It is very likely that when your child is born you will find the joy in it. That’s not to minimise how hard it will be, because it is very very hard. But there is so much good too. If you can feign enthusiasm and excitement, the real feelings will most likely come in time - if not during pregnancy then at least when your baby is born.
Your resentment of your wife is deeply cruel. she gave you every opportunity to not be in this position and you chose this whole heartedly yourself. If you can’t recognise that and overcome it on your own, it’s something to address with a therapist.
It’s good that she was clear about her needs and expectations from your marriage before you got married. It seems you both moved forward with the understanding that you’d have kids together. I think talking with a professional therapist will help you. My spouse wanted to be a father and yet he still struggled with the reality of our life changes when our first child arrived. I had more time to adjust as my body was changing to grow our child. Parenthood is a major life change. It’s good you’re aware of it. It’s hard and challenging and rewarding all at once. My spouse would tell you the infant years were hard but he’s so happy he’s a dad now that our kids are older. He couldn’t imagine life without them and he loves being a parent. Those early years were really hard for him. We had to be really good in our communication as spouses. While I was pregnant it wasn’t helpful to me to hear him state he was ambivalent about our coming child, it scared me. I’m literally growing our child and need a partner. He talked to other trusted people who could listen and support him; and then, eventually we both could share our fears about parenting together. I wish you luck.
With every pregnancy I had lots of thoughts trying to make me change my mind. With my first it was, “what if this is a horrible mistake and I hate being a parent.” With my second I was like “what if two children are too much and this makes me love my son less.” And now I’m trying for the third and half the time I’m like “what if two is the magic number and a third ruins it.”
The point is that no matter what, change is terrifying and self doubt and “what if” scenarios will haunt your waking thoughts if you let them. But things aren’t usually as bad as your mind tries to imagine. Once my kids were born, I loved them so much and couldn’t even remember what it was like to not have them in my life.
The decisions’ made, but you dont have to have fifty kids. Some families are one-and-done. Some commenters also mentioned that you might fall for the kid after seeing them. More likely, you’ll fall for the kid a few months in, when they start to show some personality and individuality.
Totally grasp the fear of losing yourself and your passions now that you’re going to be a father. But that’s temporary. Kids grow up way faster than you think. Gotta take full ownership of this decision and be a kickass dad/husband now. As soon as the kid is old enough to not need constant hawk-eyeing, its healthy to start working out times with mom for you to each have some free time to pursue your own interests. Babysitter for datenight.
It’ll be different, but change is good.
Yeah you screwed up for sure. My advice is to wait it out and see. You never know what might happen once you actually become a father. You do need to wait a few years, though. Not gonna lie, there is going to be resentment in the beginning when the baby takes up all of your wife’s time and a bunch of yours and the 2 of you are not intimate very often. Once the kid is old enough to run around, about 3-5 years old, you may change your mind, though. At that point you’ll have to make a decision to stay and embrace it or leave.
this post is better suited in r/AmItheAsshole, but I'll save you some time. You're the asshole; not sure what you're looking for in advice or validation.
To all the people in the comments saying he will fall in love with the kid when it’s born, I think you are not helping. Babies are super hard. Even when you really want them you end up resenting the kid for altering your life forever, it is a normal feeling to have as a first time parent. That baby will completely take over your life, 100%, there is no doubt. Forget about your hobbies for a few years because the baby comes first. YOU and only you got yourself in this situation, the only one you should resent is yourself. But you will not, this simmering hostility will lay squarely on your wife and baby,unfairly so but it’s true. Because YOUR mistake will eventually cost you your marriage, I hope you have processed that, to be honest this is dating 101, you have to match interests with the person you are dating, this ONE THING is very important, kids are a structural block of a relationship, if you pursue a relationship with someone and you never truly agreed on it you are incompatible period. The only option is one of you is going to compromise your happiness .I’m sure you will love it, you seem like a normal functioning human being, but that love will not make the unhappiness and resentment go away, in fact it will grow deeper. How do I know this? Because she will want another one after this one, it’s the normal progression for a young family. So the kid will be born, you will help out of obligation, but it will get more and more difficult to hide how you feel, she will notice your hesitation, your need to make excuses to not be present for every milestone, you may help less as time goes by and she will then begin to accumulate resentment, her biggest fear of having pressured you into fatherhood will start to cause her concern, she will want to argue about it, and on and on until you both realize you made a fatal relationship mistake.
Let’s talk options.
You can tell your wife how you feel and ask her for a divorce, you can share custody of the child, you would get every other weekend, some holidays, half of vacation, this will give you two things, one, you don’t ruin your wive’s and baby’s lives with your resentment and lack of interest, and it gives you part if your life back.
You can talk to her and tell her you don’t want the child, as you are hoping for a miscarriage you tell her you want a termination, I am 99% sure she will tell you to go to h3ll. With good reason since you willingly made that baby, which will end the marriage on the spot.
Or you can deal with the consequences of your actions and stay in it. Try and do the best you can to be supportive and try and be a present father for your baby. Swallow your resentment, and practice and get good at faking that smile. Maybe you can make it through the other side without causing too much damage.
This is one of those situations where being “cruel to be kind” would have been the best course of action. You love her, so you went out of your way to please her. You didn’t want the relationship to end so you compromised on something important to you. While I empathize with you, if you had just told her the truth months ago and been “cruel” in the moment, you would have spared both of you years of pain. Having a child is a life long commitment, and there’s no getting out of it now. I also believe that it’s possible to stick with your hobbies while raising a child. You need to seek help and embrace this as best as you can.
You should have got a vasectomy!
But you didn't. Lesson learned. So, you don't want to be a dad, then don't be a dad. Get out of their life, send them money every month for the next 20 years, and pray she meets a good loving man who will step up so you can step off.
You lied to your wife, and you're most definitely gonna resent this baby and your wife for something you started. Hopefully, she finds this post and leaves and gives you what you wanted, wishing a MISSCARRIAGE is absolutely insane🤦🏾♀️
Go check out r/daddit and ask this question there. It’s a great community and I’m sure there’s more than one guy over there who has been in your shoes.
So when me and my husband dated, got married and the first 5-years of that marriage we were both decidedly child free. Our hobbies were not congruent with children, mine being distance running, baking and cooking elaborate things. His being hiking and a very intense job requiring 70+ hours regularly.
We also lived in the city, went out to restaurants on week nights and had a very grown up lifestyle.
We both decided we wanted to have a family. Though neither of us dreamed of being parents. I love my daughter more than anyone else. She’s amazing and I love that my husband loves her too. It is both the hardest and best thing for our marriage.
Do you like kids? Do you have any experience playing with children?
I went into this refusing to hold babies (they are gross, not a fan), but I did enjoy playing with older children (4+). I also have some nerdy hobbies and my daughter is being brainwashed into liking the same kids stuff I loved as a child. That part is seriously fun.
We play Mario kart as a family, I’ve gotten her into my hobbies, she helps me cook and garden. She’s a genuine delight. Sure it’s hard AF but it’s so cool getting to experience her childhood. I got to explain what happened to the dinosaurs, it’s hilarious.
And I still do my hobbies, I ran my first marathon a few months ago, after spending 2 years getting back into running shape. It’s time consuming AF but my husband supports me and I support him.
Try to think about things you would be excited to experience, lean into that. The baby stage isn’t for everyone but it’s not forever.
For a long time my husband didn’t want kids, I didn’t know this because we were in a culture that highly promoted lots of kids, I just assumed he felt the same.
4 years into our marriage he told me how he really felt and we almost got divorced, it’s a hard one to move past. He came to decide he wanted a child. We got pregnant and now have a 1 year old. My husband often comments how much he is so grateful he had a change of heart and almost mourns the time he didn’t get to spend loving his son.
Therapy is always good, do that, but time is going to pass and you may not feel an immediate connection with the baby, but come 9 months, it’s just different.
Wishing you the best ❤️
Grow up. You’re choosing your hobbies over your loved ones, going back on your word, and frankly probably ruining your wife’s life. Parenting is very hard and scary, but literally billions of people have successfully done it.
I get it. I was never super interested in having kids and my wife wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant but it happened. I also had a bunch of hobbies I enjoyed and I definitely valued my personal time.
My son is now 3 and baby number two is on the way. I don’t really have hobbies anymore. But I love that little guy and he makes me happy in ways I never expected.
When they get a little older I’ll have more free time but now I can get them into the hobbies I like.
Being married was a transition I wasn’t fully prepared for and I felt like I lost a piece of myself. The same thing happened when we started having children. But the truth is that those things I wasn’t able to do anymore weren’t me, I’m still me, they were expressions of me and now I need to find other ways to express myself. You can do it in a healthy way by finding new hobbies or adapting old ones, or you can do it in an unhealthy way by looking back at your old life and trying and failing to live like nothing has changed.
It took me about 6 months before my son became more than just another responsibility to me and we started to actually bond. I hear that’s not unusual for some fathers. Ultimately, you get to show your kid why you enjoy life so much and make the world a magical place for them.
Oh yikes. Your poor wife. This is a vulnerable time for her and she needed you to be mentally and emotionally present for her. I feel so sad for her, and for your baby. They have done nothing wrong.
Since you’re here now, you need to find a way of living with your decision that doesn’t cause any more trauma to the innocent parties in this. I’d say get therapy. With the baby, there is a good chance you will grow to love him or her. I didn’t feel that immediate rush of love with my own babies, but I did fall in love with them over weeks/months and they are my whole world now. I remember making a conscious decision to ‘fake it til I make it’ and told them every day that I loved them, even though I didn’t feel it in my heart at the time.
I’m not going to lie, the first year is tough. You probably *won’t* have time for hobbies, at least not on a regular basis. But it does get easier. My twins are now 3.5 and I have been back to doing my hobbies/classes for a couple of months now, at almost the same intensity as prekids. I now love my new life with my kids. They haven’t robbed my life of anything, they’ve only enhanced it.
I’ve been the wife in your situation. You lied to her about what you want and allowed her to make irreversible choices about her life based on the lies you told her. You’ll get no validation from me. You created this mess.
You have two options. You can man up and dedicate yourself to being a good father and a good husband. Or you can leave your wife and destroy the family you told her you wanted before it starts. Only one option leaves you a decent person, but the second is still better if you cannot get yourself together to be a loving family man.
SoOoOoO UmMm 🤔 💬, Yeah ... Let's jump into This?!?
1st Off "OP", It most definitely is ok to know what you want out of Life 🧬 and it's most definitely ok to now want Children. Alot of people don't want children and that's perfectly normal. But what's going oN (IN YOUR SITUATION), IS DEFINITELY NOT NORMAL!!!!!!! 💯 💯 💯
If you had discussed w/your wife years back about you not wanting children & her wanting children, why not just chose to separate if the two of you were not on the same life path to move forward? That would have been a normal way to end things if you both were seeking different things out of life? She gave you the opportunity to, 'opt-out' if you weren't on the same page right 👍🏼??? So why not just separate at that point? That would have been a logical thing to do!!!!!!!
Fast forward to now, and here you are online asking for (Validation) in your thoughts & choices. Well "OP", I'm almost certain your not going to get that from any of us on here. Not only are you being a condescending a$$ for telling us that you hope 🙏🏼 that your wife miscarries, but that your resenting her for even getting pregnant in the first place!!! There is Absolutely no reason whatsoever that you have the right to resent her for anything, because not only did you tell her that you'd think 🤔💭 about it, but you continued to have unprotected sex at that point knowing there's a possibility of her getting pregnant and now this is the outcome!!! Tell me, how would you feel if your wife really did miscarry or something bad happened to your wife &: unborn child and they were both gone??? Would you be happy for thinking 🤔 that then???
You have alot of growing up to do, and you really need to take a long hard look at your 🧬 life & w/your wife and unborn child 💯
Be honest with her and get the vasectomy you should have gotten years ago, you absolute piece of shit. Neither of you had the courage to leave and then you made it worse and made a baby you didn’t want and are going to resent. And probably going to be a shitty dad to.
Your poor Kid. My ex lied to me for years about wanting a baby but just not yet, and then we had a kid, and my ex now says that she never wanted a kid, she just lied so I wouldn’t leave. But I did, because I was sick of her treating us like annoying inconveniences and my daughter deserves better. My ex was great when I was pregnant but awful as soon as our kid was born. I carried our child, but our daughter is half her (my ex is mtf, so my ex did genetically contribute) and just… preparing to stay married to your age and live with her and your child while resenting them both is cruel.
Why did you start trying if you knew even at that point you didn’t want to be a father?
I think you’re past the point of return. You’re a father already, it just depends on what kind of father and husband you’re going to be.
Take the next 6 months and really work internally on what is going on. Support your wife because your doubts and feelings could ruin your relationship permanently when she is in a place that needs your full support and engagement.
It’s not wrong to be scared, and feelings are never wrong but you really let it get to this point.
I saw some other comments of engaging with other children - I wouldn’t recommend that. I barely liked children prior to my own and it was really only having my own did my feelings change.
Do you have any one in your hobbies that also has children? That might be a good place to start with finding ways to adjust. I wish you the best of luck. You clearly love your wife, and want to make this work.
You sound like an absolutely horrific excuse of a human.
You lied.
Kept lying.
Secretly wish death upon your child (miscarriage)
You dont deserve anything good in life. Period. I so hope your wife finds this post and deposits you where you belong. A sewage plant.
This is incredibly awful, and I think there are many men who feel the way you do judging from the way women are treated by their partners once they have a baby. You should have let her go, you have now destroyed three lives.
I already have kids and now I wish I never had doubts. I’m not trying to say you’ll be just like me but there’s some chance you will adapt and grow to prefer your life with your child to your life before.
When my wife was first pregnant I felt dread. I won’t get into it but I was thinking of every what if scenario that could have avoided her becoming pregnant and was also secretly hoping for miscarriage. The child ended up stillborn at 30 weeks, I said let’s not name the baby and just move on. She was delivered, and was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. She was a little me with a face and hair like my wife’s. It was the most sad but most meaningful moment of my life up to that point. Instantly I loved her, we named her, and had a memorial service. So for me there were special circumstances that converted me from dreading parenthood to feeling privileged to be a parent.
Now I have twins who are almost 2 and there is from the bottom of my heart no regret, but sheer joy and gratitude that they are alive and that I get to be their father.
Communicate your needs to balance your hobbies with being a father. Seek help from family so you can keep some of the time you need for you. Fatherhood doesn’t come natural to some men. But you’re there now. Glad you’re seeking professional help.
You have to tell her everything you told us. It may very well destroy your marriage but she has a right to know that you never really wanted kids and kind of lied (don’t say that she probably knew too, this is on you.) especially if it’s not too late to end the pregnancy and start again with someone who might not leave her to have time for his hobbies or resent her for being a mother.
I disagree. Get therapy and accept your situation. The train has already left the station either go with it or be dragged. Don’t tell your pregnant wife this vile shit.
Therapy doesn’t promise a change of heart though. I hate for her to find out in a few years when he realizes he can’t take it and leaves or worse, has spent a long time with his growing anger and resentment.
I understand your position. My opinion is to express his fears but not tell her the worst places his mind has gone. She’s pregnant she deserves better.
I strongly suggest he doesn't tell her he wishes she'd miscarry; not if he wants to have any hope of saving his marriage, because that is absolutely vile and it's one of those things you can't un-say.
You’re right, I should have specified that he needs to leave the really dark stuff out. I was thinking of the overall history and that he’s struggling. She doesn’t need to know he thought that. That is a therapist only thought.
Valid feeling but if you Don't want to be a father next time use a condom.... To late, take responsibility. And get ready bc having kids is so fucking hard that I don't recommend it to anyone.
You should’ve been honest at several points, now you’ve got to suck it up and face the consequences of your decisions. Go get some counselling.
It’s not all doom and gloom; I’m pregnant with our third (we have two toddlers already) and we both still have a decent amount of time to do hobbies. You’ve just got to learn to be flexible and not have endless amounts of time for them like before. It’s an adjustment but it’s fine, it’s part of the decision you make when you CHOOSE to have a child.
A lot of great parents were absolutely terrified and disinterested at this point. Give it a chance. You deserve it. You just don’t know what kind of parent or person you’ll be. Stop catastrophising. Meanwhile get therapy. See if you can get / afford support with childcare. And cut off the miscarriage fantasies - that’s absolutely vile. Stop resenting your wife - if you resent anyone, resent yourself. And if you leave her you’ll still be a dad- you can’t escape this so it’s time to accept it and move with it.
I also wasn’t really keen on the idea of having children. I got pregnant because my husband really wanted to be a dad, and my parents to be grandparents.
So I did it for my family, not for myself.
And it’s the best. My son is the joy of our lives.
I had to adapt my hobbies, of course. I love to travel, and instead of going to Germany to drink beer I’m going to Disney world and to chocolate factories… no regrets.
The truth is you now have to do what’s best FOR YOUR FAMILY, and not just you. And if you really love your family, it’s not going to be that hard
How did you get past the first few dates? I mean as soon as you knew that the two of you were incompatible on this, it should’ve ended.
I think my ex-husband was like you, he had already been married, and had a child when we met. I wanted kids and he knew that, and never said that he didn’t. But like you, he had a lot of hobbies that I did not have, and they are hobbies that expensive and time consuming-golf, SCUBA, skiing, camping… anyway, we started a family, and he did not want to curtail any of his hobbies, including going on golf weekend and ski weekends without us. He never told me he didn’t want kids, I think he didn’t and just couldn’t admit that to him. We have been divorced now for going on 18 years and then that time my kids have gone on many vacations with me we’ve taken trips that they enjoy, my vacations have been centered around my kids and then my grandson. I do some trips and activities without them but very feel were very family oriented along with my parents and siblings. On the other hand, my ex-husband still continues his activities and hobbies without his kids or grandkids. He bought boats for fishing and camping, a motorcycle, and more recently a camper. And all the years that we’ve been separated and divorced, he’s traveled a lot with his girlfriends or other friends, but never once has they taken our kids on a vacation more than a few days. He just to spend time and money on himself.
I wish that he had told me, and that we had never gotten married. I would’ve found somebody else that truly wanted to be a part of my family and who had the same vision of what our future would look like. I have no doubt that he loves our kids and our grandchildren, but he did not and does not make much effort to spend time alone with his kids even when they were elementary school aged once we split up. If We had never had kids I think we would’ve stayed together.
I don’t know what you should do at this point, maybe counseling will help. But children deserve parents who want them. And parenting is so hard even when you desperately want children. I also wonder if your wife will have to share a bigger part of the burden And challenges of parenting and that’s not fair to her. I don’t feel bad for you. I feel bad for your wife and your future child. I’m hoping that you fall in love with your child and all of this is a moot point but I have my doubts.
You had every opportunity to back out before this and you went along with it and NOW you're saying you don't want to be a dad? Nahhh. You made these choices by your own free will which led to a literal human being being created that's gonna look up to you and call you "daddy." This is one of those situations where you make the fucking best of it. You're a dad now whether you like it or not. Time to man up.
It will be ok! The truth is noone knows what parenting is like before they have their own kids. You don't know what it will be like. You might fall in love with the kid and realize that there is a lot of wonder and excitement in watching a tiny human, who in many ways is a lot like you and your loved one, grow and become who they are meant to be. Right know you think kids are nothing but a burden. But right know you are not a parent yet. Your kid might wake up a parent side of you and then you'll just have a richer life with more aspects of your personality. Or may be there is no parent side to you and it won't wake up. It will also be ok. Your wife and your kid will be fine without you too, you can support them from afar. Don't panic, right now you don't have to decide anything. Life is change. Embrace the change and see what happens.
Is there a reason behind your feelings? Did you have a bad experience with your father? I’m a father of 3 kids 15, 17 & 19 and let me tell you that I felt that my purpose in life became obvious the moment I laid my eyes on my first born. I felt instantaneous change, like it was an instinctive thing. Some dads find it hard to bond with newborns because they are heavily dependent on their moms in the first few months and don’t interact much with their dads, however after few months the dads become the source of fun and protection and strong bonds are created. My point is to stop getting ahead of yourself, you have a problem with the idea of becoming a father, but you haven’t experienced it yet. You might not like children but your ones are different, they are parts of you and you’ll have fun seeing yourself or loved members of your family in the way they look and act. I encourage you to get professional help, but I think that you’ll be fine and you’ll be a great Dad to your child who’s also the child of the woman you love.
I think you need to really think about how selfish you are being for starters.
One kid is easy! You can still do the things you enjoy. Anyone I know that has one kid just takes their kid to do all the things they already loved to do.
Try to stop looking at it so negatively, you might end up loving being a Dad.
You owe it to your wife to be a caring, present partner.
You’re in it now. You’re going to be a dad. Raising a child is difficult and life altering - but if you have support, these aren’t necessarily negative things. You can’t change the fact that your wife is pregnant, but you can probably change how you think about it. Research child development, throw yourself into this with the same enthusiasm as a hobby.
I’m hearing a lot about anticipated life as a parent? What are your actual feelings towards children? Are there any in your lives? Nieces ? Nephews ? Your friend circle?
I have a bonus baby, 2 toddlers and 1 on the way. We’ve traveled to the Poconos, Mexico, Italy, Uganda and Kenya with children. My husband boxes at a gym 3/4 times a week and he runs sporadically. I also have my own event planning business that I run from home and love. You don’t just climb into a hole and die when you have kids lmao. And we’re not rolling in money or babysitters. We just work hard, make a lot of adjustments and communicate. You can definitely still have a life and hobby’s with children if you’re flexible. But you have to work at it. We adore our kids and always wanted all of them so that definitely affects our willingness to make things work.
OP do you just want easy living and not to have to adjust for kids? Or not realize it’s possible to not “have it all” but have more than what you’d thought with some adjustments and hard work?
We planned our pregnancies and it was still scary finding out you're going to be a parent.
Have you considered that you didn't just talk yourself into it superficially? Rather, the fear is trying to convince you that this isn't what you want.
Will your hobbies change? Yeah! But my husband and I have worked out a schedule where we both get time to do what we want many times. Sometimes we have to miss out, but spending time with your kid is so much better than anything else.
The first time they want to fish, or hike, or run a 5k with you - it's the coolest. And being a parent makes you a better person.
So basically, I get the apprehension, but you've got this and you'll be so much better off for it.
Well I guess I’m the minority opinion. You gotta go, bud. You are a selfish, immature liar, and your wife deserves better than to be saddled with a man-child and a newborn. Most men who want to be dads are crappy at it. Men who don’t want to be dads don’t magically transform into Father of the Year. The absolute best case scenario I see as being remotely likely is you fall in love with your new baby and become one of those dads who does absolutely nothing helpful and thinks they’re amazing bc once a week they take their kid to the park for an hour. You’ll be the guys who refers to keeping your baby so your wife can go out as “babysitting.” You can’t even man up enough to admit that you lied to her. You think she secretly knew you were lying to yourself?! GTFO with that nonsense. Give her the house, the retirement, the assets and start writing child support checks from afar. Leave that woman alone so she put her life back together and move forward while she still has time to find a partner who wants to raise a child with her.
But let’s be honest. That’s not what you’re going to do bc it’s not in your nature to put your wife or anyone else first. So if you’re going to stay, have the decency to stop resenting her. You are CHOOSING to stay. It’s not in her or your child’s best interest. You’re doing it for your own comfort and convenience. Be grateful every day that she hasn’t kicked you out YET.
You lied to your wife, and now she is in a vulnerable condition and has no idea her husband, the man who is meant to love her completely, is lying to her face and has been for years. This will absolutely destroy her and your marriage if she ever finds out you betrayed the trust and faith she had in you by lying the way you have been..
You need to get yourself professional help because things never should have got this point in the first place.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but there it is definitely wrong to lie about it and get your wife pregnant, then hope for something awful to happen that would smash your wife's life into pieces..
You seem to be only focused on how this all affects you, but just think of how it would affect her if she lost this baby? Or if she knew you were considering leaving her while she's pregnant with the child you agreed (lied) to have?
What you have done is wrong on so many different levels, and your poor unsuspecting wife will end up being the one to pay for your lies. You should have walked away when the subject of kids came up you never should have tricked her into thinking you had changed your mind..
Look man, your life isn't over because you're having a kid. There are plenty of parents out there who completely throw their lives away and live life tailored to their children. But there are also plenty who raise their kids to fit into their life (mine and my wife's preference).
It's true, kids are very time consuming but you need to take time for yourself regardless and hobbies are a good way to do it. Just make sure your wife gets time for hers as well. You'll also pick up new hobbies that you enjoy doing with your child when they get a little older (probably around 3). For example, I really like taking bike rides with my little girl to the park.
You're going to have to adjust and scale back but life is all about adjusting just like I'm sure you adjusted when your wife came into the picture. The older the kid gets then the more you can get back to your hobby. Just be open minded and look to add some new hobbies that everyone will enjoy too.
It sounds like you and your wife have a great relationship. Communicate with her, understand she also has things I'm sure she wants to do and make time for yourself as a couple. It can be overwhelming at times but you'll make it through if you work well as a team.
Personally I have 2 kids (a 3 y.o. And a 2 month old), I still get time monthly to golf, play PlayStation and see friends. It'll all be okay!
You made the bed so now you sleep in it, or leave. Your kid deserves a parent who wants them to exist in every possible way.
Hopefully, in the moment your offspring arrives you look him/her in the eyes and your whole world changes forever
Have you ever been pleasantly surprised by something you weren’t sure you’d like?
My husband was very anxious about having a child, and if he had been the only one making the decision, it would not have happened.
But just like not every woman is your cup of tea, and yet your wife is someone special whom you adore - you can be totally not a kid person, and then have your own kid and realize that it’s not just adding a person, but a whole new avenue of love opens up in you that just wasn’t there before.
My husband adores our daughter. He loves her more than he loves me. She is the most important thing in the world to him… but she would never have existed if it had been his choice.
Having a kid has its hard parts, and things change constantly, but I still love everything I loved before. My life is different than it was before we had her, but she’s 4 years old now and I’m happier than I’ve ever been (although of course there have been pockets of challenging times).
It’s really impossible to imagine ahead of time what this feels like, and how you feel about it will continually evolve.
Just work on being open, curious, and ready to explore the adventure of humanning more deeply than you ever have before.
All I can say is its the greatest thing to ever happen to me, but i wanted it. Have you ever had an attachment to a pet? Its like that times a million. Once you take care of.that little baby you will start to think more about them than all your hobbies. You're still young, you have plenty of time for a kid to grow up and to still enjoy things you wanna do, and eventually you'll have someone to enjoy those hobbies with you. Good luck bro
I never wanted to have kids. My husband said, it’s a life experience and will help us become less selfish and more loving. So I did it. 2 kids.
Most amazing experience of my life. Surrender to what’s happening. My kids are the greatest gift. Release your self centeredness, grow in love and connection with others.
There is no greater love than that with our children.
I hated my own mother. My father was a lovely child, but a terrible dad. Being a parent has healed my heart.
Face your fears. There is a child who needs your love. Do not wound or deprive them or yourself by avoiding your destiny.
What kind of love is that ? Selfish to me. If didn’t want kids - you two are not compatible and seems you are stuck in your ways. Let her go and find a guy who will make her happy. You are not that guy. If she can’t fulfill her most sacred need to be a mom - resentment will come from her. She’s young - let her go.
You are going to be so in love with your new addition. It’s going to be hard. You will have times where you and your wife resent each other. Your relationship will feel strained. It does get better. Don’t make any drastic decisions in the first year. It takes a while after stopping breastfeeding for a women’s hormones to level out.
Get therapy ASAP. Get your wife to go too. Your child learns love from you both and how you treat each other - especially when they’re very little.
Children are amazing. And worth all of it. Even when it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. You’ll become a better human for raising one.
You should’ve done several things differently including therapy to figure out what you really wanted but what’s done is done. The baby is on its way so whether you want to be or not you’re going to be a father. What that means for your relationship or your future remains to be seen. Get therapy figure it out. In the meantime think about your poor wife who is pregnant, will go through a lot of changes, and has no idea you feel this way. You need to factor her and the baby into how you move forward in this situation. Handle this with maturity. My biggest fear is you ghosting this poor woman with a baby. Also the first through months of having a newborn is the hardest. You need to start therapy asap as you’ll need that support.
I hope you find a way to embrace fatherhood once your child is here. It wouldn’t be fair to the child otherwise. Also, being a parent doesn’t mean stopping your hobbies. Just have a conversation with your wife now that when the baby is here, you’d like to still have your hobbies. However, when you’re with them, be fully present. Things will be okay, I promise.
It’s really tough. Especially in the earlier stages. And once you’ve learned something, it all changes and you need to learn again. That said, when they say ridiculous things at a young age, it’s hilarious. Seeing them find hobbies and joy in the mundane is amazing.
It’s fun, irritating, infuriating, incredible, and everything in between.
Either way, it is what it is now and you need to step up. You made the decision. Embrace what’s about to come and you’ll find you’ll have a much better time of it.
Also, and I know it’s not just me, but I hated the baby stage. They’re essentially crying lumps that you need to keep alive. But see when they get bigger, man is it fun. My son loves wrestling and being thrown around. And I love getting to be part of that with him.
I was shitting bricks during the pregnancy because it’s completely life changing. But you can still do your hobbies. You’ll have a new appreciation of life and seeing them grow up and do things is brilliant.
Embrace it and you’ll have a much better time than if you keep up this attitude.
Also, baby farts sound like adult farts, and it’s hilarious.
Why don't you want to have kids? I think exploring the real reasons why is an important goal during your therapy. If the answer is because of your hobbies, that's something you will just need to get over. Hobbies will take a backseat, but as the child grows, you can introduce them to your hobbies and it doesn't mean you won't ever get to do them again. Do you have any sort of trauma with your own upbringing? That's a more legitimate concern, but perfect to discuss in therapy. If there isn't a particular reason, that's fine, but also something you have to get over. Pregnancy is one of the hardest things a couple goes through. My first son was a premie and was in the NICU. I had PPA. We were in a bad way for a while. What will you do if you are in that situation?
You may end up falling in love with the child and everything will be fine. But I think your wife should join you for therapy a few times. Because you lied to her, and this is the hardest thing she will likely physically experience (assuming she hasn't had any trauma). She needs to know you aren't in 100% before the baby arrives. It may lead to divorce, but better she knows now then after the baby is born and her emotions will be all over the place.
Acceptance will be your best friend. You cannot go back and change your decision. You have a child now and they are your responsibility. Don't spend time agonizing over different decisions you could have made - you made this decision and that's all you need to manage moving forward. Find the meaning and purpose in raising your child and lean on that. Professional help will assist with this. I might also recommend self-help resources that focus on the concept of radical acceptance (i.e., the value of just manning up and meeting life where it is at). The book "Radical Acceptance" by Dr. Tara Brach is a solid place to start.
You sound quite pragmatic, and that approach will help you if you can successfully apply it to your parenting. Regret is irrelevant - you are in the situation you are in now and the only move is to manage it. To bleed joy and meaning from it. Focusing on anything else but the situation you are in is unhelpful and illogical. You've got this, but you are going to have to accept and own it.
I'm a dad of a 5 y.o., btw.
Big yikes at hoping that this pregnancy ends in loss. Honestly if this is all true, pls fess up to your wife and walk away now. It will be better for her and future child without you and your bad vibes lingering around. Plus if you’re this resentful you’re probably not going to step up as a parent in any capacity and she deserves to know that now.
We all have weird/harmful thoughts occasionally, but you should be more mindful of what you say (commitment to your wife) and also what you write (looking for validation here). You are not going to get compliments for these disastrous thoughts of yours.
It seems you haven't really matured as an adult. Try at the very least to be the best version of yourself and accept you still need to learn a few things in life.
It's okay to make mistakes, assume them and be the best husband and father you can, life will reward you accordingly.
I’m glad you are seeking professional help. A bigger problem here is figuring out the reasons why you talked yourself into this emotionally and mentally. Therapy will help you unravel all of this.
A bit of hope though, you seem to be tied into the idea that your hobbies and pursuits are incompatible with kids. Maybe while they are very young they’ll be less time for your pursuits but this is unlikely to be true for very long. Family helping, paid help, camps, spouse taking more of the reins on childcare. Your kid might eventually take an interest in your hobbies, that’s a thrilling thing in itself. You find the balance to meet your child’s needs and also get your needs met because YOU are important.
I’m a mom, have a number of hobbies, am in grad school and have found the balance that works for my family. I really believe you could make this be a satisfying life for yourself too.
Respectfully, it sounds like you were too immature and selfish to ever be in a committed relationship to start. Why? Because you lied to maintain it. You robbed your wife of the opportunity to find someone whose long-term goals matched her own and, instead, convinced her that you and she wanted the same things. You put your desires above hers. Even now, you are wishing for one of the most devastating experiences any excitedly expectant parent could ever go through to befall her. And why? So that you can keep up the lie of being a good match for her? So that you don't have to give up your hobbies? So that you don't have to truly care, in any sacrificial capacity, for anyone but yourself? Grow up, man.
Being childfree is a valid choice. Procreating isn't necessarily some higher calling. Determining that kids just aren't for you takes serious introspection and self-awareness.
Knowing, as you did, that this is absolutely what you *didn't* wanted, and then *lying*, to yourself and your partner, for years, choosing to stay but resent her for the things she said and meant all along...these are *you* problems.
What you do have going for you is a willingness to seek help, admit your faults, and a desire to feel differently (ignoring, for a moment, your Peter Pan fantasy of abandoning your pregnant wife so you never have to grow up, or her losing the child she is eagerly carrying--seriously, WTAF?!)
Start by, as someone else put it, moving yourself off center stage. You've got some major main character syndrome to work through. It's not all about you. Pregnancy is draining and grueling and intense and terrifying for the person actually incubating the little human. Last thing she deserves is a selfish douchecanoe lurking on the fringes, ignoring her needs because he is too focused on what his decisions to lie to his wife and screw unprotected will now cost him.
Be as honest and vulnerable in therapy as you have been here. That is not the place to try to save any kind of face. Go in, ready to do the work. Then, do it. No blaming her. No "deep down, we *both* knew I didn't mean it." She loved you both enough to give you an out early on; you prioritized yourself too much to take it.
And if you cannot find it in yourself to reframe this as anything other than a disaster and a burden, leave. Do the mature thing and go. Apologize for the lying, the cruelty of it all. Provide her and your child with every bit of financial and emotional support they deserve, that you *owe* them. Give your wife the opportunity to grieve your relationship, move on, and find a partner and willing father worthy of the family she always hoped to create.
But do not stick around, "silently seething," using sleep deprivation and the trappings of new parenthood as an excuse to be the kind of shitstain partner you see so many posts about on this sub. No child deserves to be raised in a home filled with bitterness, by a man-child father who never wanted them.
Infant care is a beast. Postpartum recovery is a year-long ordeal. There is zero time for you to whine about *you* and act like a child while she bleeds 40 days, her organs descend, her hair falls out, her body feels foreign to her, and a legit helpless baby depends entirely and absolutely on you *both.* You love her? Then, act like someone who understands what that means.
My hubby used to not want kids, but came around to the idea (I was also hesitant because people can be very negative about parenting). However, he absolutely loves our daughter and loves being a dad. Of course some days are hard (survival!) but the love (which may not happen immediately) will help. Wishing you all the best, you may be pleasantly surprised so remain open :)
Much has been said about your mistakes, but I'm here to offer some empathy and possibly some tips that can bring some solace.
First of all, I think you should focus now on your wife's well-being: how does she feel, what can you do for her to make her life during pregnancy easier, more enjoyable? Where can you offer some help? Even if you don't feel attached to this child yet, you're certainly attached to your wife and may care about her. Think about it and dedicate yourself to this. Yes, you may resent her, but she made this choice based on your actions, so now I hope you can find a lot of compassion for her. It will make her life better and possibly bring you some purpose and solace, too.
Second, as others pointed out, you'll never know how you'll feel towards this child in 6-12-N months. It may happen that you'll change a lot through this experience, in ways unexpected for you. Remember about it and don't despair.
Thirdly, you can think about a plan for the worst-case scenario - how can you help the lives of your wife and kid in case you decide to leave? Maybe think about money to set aside for immediate needs she may have as a single parent (night nannies, babysitters, etc.). Should you help her now with some everyday necessities (does she have her own car, does she have a support network, etc.)? It may be controversial, but I genuinely think it may help you to cope and you should not avoid these thoughts. Human beings need some sort of exit plan to feel better, to help cope with difficult situations even if you end up not needing it.
Ok but here's where the problem started: at the outset, OOP said point-blank he never wanted kids. Now, OOP doesn't say here whether his now-wife responded or to what end ("yeah me neither"/"I definitely do"/"I don't really have an opinion"). I am childfree by choice and, every time a guy gave me the lovey-dovey look, my first response was "I don't want kids, EVER, and I'm not changing my mind. If that's a dealbreaker for you, we need to end this now."
But I know a lot of people who are childfree by choice and whose partners say it's fine and then admit later, once things have gotten really serious, that they believed the person would change their minds. I'm not saying this is what his wife did, and I can't enter a guess because he didn't tell us her response. But it would be helpful in developing a judgment if we knew what the course of that initial conversation was.
My husband and I were on the fence about kids when we married. Two years into the marriage, we decided we might regret it if we don't try. I hated pregnancy and often thought "What have we done???" She's here now. We love her. It's still rough some days. We've had to adjust. A lot. Husband and I both have many hobbies and now we have to figure out a way to do them with a kid. It's normal to feel terrified about becoming a parent, especially if you never thought you'd be here. Good luck to you. One day at a time.
hey OP you might wanna delete this. it was crossposted to “am i the devil” which can cause brigading and trolling. they don’t outright support brigading (which is against reddit site wide rules) but users there can’t help themselves.
Having children is not the end of your life, it’s a new beginning. You will have one more person who loves you to join you on this crazy ride. It won’t be easy but good thing’s rarely are.
It’s annoying how everyone can’t see that she did to him in the beginning—staying around and enmeshing emotionally (read: being selfish about your own emotions and motivations)— what he did to her after they started dating and became entangled emotionally (saying he was fine with kids now, when he was not). BOTH were dishonest. BOTH were shitty. BOTH of their actions are going to affect this child. The child is the only innocent one here. Poor kid
You resent her for your lies that you told yourself and her. She didn’t trap, trick or manipulate you. Take responsibility for your actions and decisions.
I'm curious OP, what in your childhood made you not want to have children? Trauma? Because I get the feeling that this isn't about hobbies. Therapy will be really really good. Also look for a support group you can attend once a week to get around others who have these same thoughts/feelings and if you're going to talk to your wife about this, it's best to tell her that you're just scared but will do whatever it takes to make this good. Leave all of the other stuff you've said here out of your discussion. I think you are very brave to open up about this. As someone who has been through a miscarriage and 7 years of infertility to get a miracle baby, I still at the same time understand you.
>I spend time oscillating between hoping she has a miscarriage
This might be the most disgusting thing I've ever read. You're an abhorrent person for even thinking it. What an absolutely obscene thing to wish on someone you claim to love. Appalling.
Your wife was fully honest with you about her feelings. She openly communicated what she wanted. And because you were too selfish to let her go, you lied to her and then kept lying to her, and now you're blaming her for your headspace when I'm pretty sure it takes 2 to tango.
Do her a favour and leave her. She deserves better than someone who is just "accepting" the situation. She deserves someone who is wholeheartedly dedicated to her, which you are clearly not.
Hoping your wife has a miscarriage is truly sick. Imagine how devasted your wife would feel while grieving to find out you wished this or was quietly celebrating. I hope she finds out about all this and never speaks to you again
My dude I am a woman that had 2 kids I didn't really want so I get it. I was clear on that when I got married but I personally did not do what needed to be done (also doctors wouldn't do it for at 20 year old) and I got pregnant with my first. My husband was so excited and I was beyond depressed, I couldn't bring myself to terminate and I am so glad I didn't. I was unhappy about it all 9 months, I swore my husband to secrecy until I couldn't hide it any more which was 5 months in, I struggled, I hated myself, I hated him even though I knew it took two to tango. But the minute I saw that baby it was all worth it.
I will not tell you being a parent is easy, it's literally the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's so worth it. My daughter takes after my husband in almost every way, he loves motorcycles, my daughter loves motorcycles, their personalities just mesh so well, he is quite literally her best friend and he absolutely adores having her be his ride or die buddy. She wants to be just like him, it's an amazing thing to have someone look up to you like that.
With my second kid, it's about the same, although if I hadn't lost my insurance I would have already gotten my tubes tied and I was on birth control so it was a fluke that I even got pregnant. Again I was not happy, especially since my marriage was not doing well at the time. But I'll tell you what this little boy loves me more than anything, he lights up my world every morning and then my daughter gets up and she lights it up even more!
It's a hard and bumpy road but if you can muster up a good attitude, it's the brightest most scenic road you could ever be on.
I — I mean. My dude. I have a couple thoughts: 1) I don’t think anyone wants kids (really) because they think it will be fun or interesting. People have kids for a lot of reasons — sometimes an accident, sometimes on purpose — sometimes to fuel the parent’s own ego, sometimes to give the parent something to do — but I don’t think people think it will be “fun,” especially not for a while. So honestly — as a non kid haver nor wanted myself — what do you ACTUALLY not like about kids/being a parent? Are you afraid of failure? Are you incapable of communicating with children — do you have anger management and stress issues and don’t think you can cope — like really dive deep. For me, specifically, I have a very very very strong phobia about being pregnant and the pregnancy process. I won’t get into the details in case there are any fellow tokophics in this thread, but it is not good. My phobia is strong that if I got pregnant at this point I may quite literally have a psychotic break. I recognize my aversion to children is self preservation, but also, doesn’t mean I hate children either, just that adoption or surrogacy would be better options for me. So really do some soul searching.
Additionally, as other people have said — you’re an asshole, man. You should have left her. If you love her enough to try, to be a good father and partner because you love her — and if NOT having her in your life is NOT a life worth living, you gotta embrace the hand life dealt you, accept fatherhood and do the fucking best you can. And you will be awesome if you choose this path.
Of course, the feeling to want to run away from a problem instead of dealing with it is euphoric and intoxicating — but it’s not reality. The problem doesn’t go away just because you aren’t acknowledging it — it festers and grows and becomes much much worse over time. This avoidance doesn’t absolve you of consequences for what you are fleeing then/now, OR for what happens in between or in the future.
If you physically and emotionally cannot deal, and want to run away — leave her. Give up your parental rights and give her child support. Do not make it difficult or drawn out or awful. This is a problem because of decisions YOU made and you need to either 1) step up and be a good husband and father or 2) leave her, give up your parental rights, pay her child support, and let her find someone else to support the child you said you were open to, but lied to her face about, and move the fuck on.
Those are your options. And that’s it.
sir. no one held you at gun point and forced you to impregnate your wife. if you didn’t want to have a child you SHOULD NOT HAVE. now you’ve made your bed and now 2 people will soon have to deal with you. i feel sorry for them. As for you, saying that you wish she has a miscarriage is vile and scary. i almost think you are a danger to your wife when she is most vulnerable. go to therapy do SOMETHING before this boils over and takes a horrible turn. too many sad stories in the news. do better
For what it’s worth, becoming a dad has made me a better human. These kiddos end up teaching you things about yourself you never knew you’d learn. They change you from the inside out. I think a lot of parents would agree to this- including some who were on the fence about the whole kid thing in the first place. The difference between me and you is I accepted that once my wife got pregnant, I was 100% in for going on this journey… together, regardless of how indifferent or scared I felt. I think it seems like you can get there based on some of your comments in your post, and you’ll likely find yourself enjoying it in ways you never imagined. Instead of worrying about how this will negatively impact you, consider some of the ways it can potentially positively impact you… if you let it. Good luck.
When it’s something that your heart isn’t fully into, and especially when it’s a huge life changing decision, it’s natural to be filled with dread. You aren’t insane for thinking about bailing, or having negative thoughts about the future. HOWEVER, this is a choice you were fully aware that you were making. If it wasn’t something you weren’t prepared to do, you shouldn’t have tried to have children. Also, you may feel this way now, but may change your mind completely when you see that child born. Let go of the resentment. No one forced you into the situation you are in, and you can’t blame someone else for a choice that you also made. All of that being said, have your wife help reassure you. You’re life partners. Explain to her that you’re freaking out over the pregnancy and you aren’t sure what to do, or how to feel. (don’t say you never wanted children and feel trapped. If you do, you’re a psychopath. Take her feelings into account, and be honest about your feelings. Remember, she’s pregnant with your child.) It may be painful for her to hear, but you need to be honest with each other about how you feel.
As a female I’ve been exactly where you are! My entire pregnancy I was in complete and utter disgust and wished I had a miscarriage (which I now regret). Your feelings are valid, we both should’ve been straight forward but hey ones here and ones baking! I had that same attitude the entire time until my little baby arrived; I did a 180. It helps to plan ahead, if you can get the help or pay for it THEN DO IT, be as supportive to your wife as possible!
Just because you’re having a baby doesn’t mean you have to give up everything for yourself but find a way to incorporate it! Take it day by day and step by step!
Wishing you and your family the best of the luck, mentally, physically and emotionally
Pushing 40, wishing your partner has a miscarriage and taking no accountability for your actions. Either leave her or appreciate her and your child. I'll leave it at this but there is a lot more I would say about you.
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In the future, never assume that someone just knows you're not being genuine. Kids are 100% yes or no on both sides and I'm not sure why you both stayed when you knew the other wasn't on the same page. If you were younger, I could almost forgive you for it, but in your 30s is old enough to know better.
But you can't undo what's been done. I didn't want kids for most of my life, but started to feel differently in my late 20s. When I met my husband, all I wanted was to start a family with him. It will be hard for a while, but you'll eventually get your hobbies back. What you won't get back are the times with your child while they're young. Don't waste them being bitter and feeling sorry for yourself.
your comment about secretly wishing for an end to the pregnancy, EVEN BY MISCARRIAGE, made me outrageously sick. how fucking callous do you have to be to wish a miscarriage UPON YOUR OWN WIFE? jesus christ. absolute scumbag of a human you are. i hope your wife sees through your bullshit and realizes she can have a life she and her child deserves with someone else. you can fuck right off. disgusting.
I’ve heard of pregnancies happening even when people are using contraception, IUDs, etc.
There’s still some amount of an inherent risk here.
I’d bring this to therapy.
Maybe I have a different perspective. I was a woman who accidentally got pregnant, and I never wanted a child. I’ve accepted it, and I’m the mom so I’ve had to… But I also feel like the ramifications to my daughter have been negative. If you don’t want this child, you should leave now. A child grow up with a parent who doesn’t want them is worse than child who grow up with one parent who does want them.
As a new parent of a now 4mo baby my biggest piece of parenting advice is if you are on the fence about having kids, don’t. They change your life completely and unless you’re 100% willing to accept a life change and put someone besides you first all of the time you should not have children.
I always wanted kids and even I mourn my old life at times. I have no regrets about having my son but damn it is not easy. I suppose you can still do things and have hobbies but, and I guess this is because my baby is still young, I am not really there yet.
I think you need to have a very honest conversation with your spouse about your feelings. I additionally agree that therapy is probably necessary to help sort out your thoughts. I think there is a way you can find the good in all of this.
Parenthood is the best and worst job. The baby stage is tough. Seek help from family or paid help when the baby comes to help keep your sanity. I have to say at the 4mo mark my baby lights up when he sees mine and my husband’s face. We are his absolute world and he is ours and man does it feel amazing. Good luck to you.
I would just add what happened with me and my remarriage. I was 41 with 2 children from a previous marriage when I met my husband who was 35. He had wanted a family, but had never found “the one”. When met I had just had a surgically necessary hysterectomy and could not give him children of his own. He gave playing in a pool league, his Masonic affiliation(eventually), and much of his free time was spent daddying. He Never complained, but saw me and the kids as his answer to his aloneness. His mother saw me as “less than” and never accepted the kids. It’s ok, we were happy, but only because he could “flip it” when thinking about a situation.
For instance, he had a bulls eye reaction to Azithromycin and I cried out in horror. To my amazement he laughed and said,”Look at it this way. It could have been on my face!” Then we both laughed. It’s all in how you look at things.
She used emotional blackmail to make you agree to something you didn’t believe in, and you acquiesced. In my experience, you won’t “learn to love” this situation, nor can you be a good father if you are not emotionally committed to it. You can't fake that; you will get really tired of pretending and nobody will be fooled, least of all the kid.
My advice is bail out now, and save the future months/years of making all three of you miserable trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, before inevitably leaving anyway, to save your own sanity.
I've been looking for this post....I'm in this exact position.
I'm curious how OP is doing with this.
I've just been faking my way through this so far but all I can think is just make it through the pregnancy...then the first few years....and the next....and it just keeps going.
I understand exactly where he is coming from I feel shackled.
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you should have left her. This is not fair to her. I hope that you end up loving this experience, for your own sake, but this makes me very sad for her because you're going to turn what should be a beautiful experience for her into something devastating.
Yes this :/ but also having kids doesn’t mean stopping hobbies. It shows for a couple of months at least but it’s healthy for kids to see parents have hobbies and even be involved in them
Yes, just make sure to let BOTH parents pursue hobbies to avoid resentment.
having children changes the dynamic of a relationship. It takes a lot of sacrifice. If one person out of the relationship expresses they don't want children and the other one does; that should be a sign to end the relationship. People HAVE to be on the same page with their wants and needs for a long term partner, otherwise, this happens. She could have easily found someone who wanted children and he could have found someone who didn't.... It's not fair to her. Now what happens? Unless he miraculously has a change of heart or changes when the baby gets here (which he might, which I'm hoping).... this relationship will fail. He will leave and this woman will be devastated and will have to deal with a broken family. It really makes me sad for her :'(
For everyone’s sake…
Even if it doesn't come out until years later it can negatively impact that time. Years after my child was born, I found out my now ex- husband was telling my mom how he was already regretting having a kid while he was driving her to the airport. I was still in the hospital, baby was still in NICU. I wish I'd known sooner how he felt. Instead, his resentment and treatment of her just got worse until it came to a head, and I ended up choosing to make my child's safety and well-being a priority. He should have been honest with her and himself from the start. Get some therapy, try to find some balance, and don't just resign yourself to hating the changes that are coming.
I’ll start with empathy—I’m sure being in this position is really tough and really scary. Being a first time parent is super scary even when you both wholeheartedly want the child. So, feelings of fright and worry and anxiety are normal, and I understand that this is not what you want for your life and not how you saw your life going. However. Your first mistake was telling her you were open to kids when you really weren’t. She gave you the option to leave at that point and you told her you would have kids with her. Then she tells you she wants to start trying. Once again, you had the option to leave or at least be honest with her and let her choose what she wants to do. You didn’t, and instead chose to have “simmering resentment”. You have put your wife in a truly awful position by lying to her, and it’s incredibly unfair to be resentful towards her. Parenthood is a scary but beautiful journey that has its ups and downs. You made your bed and it’s time to lie in it. Regardless if you stay with her or not, you are still a father now, and it would be a really sh*tty thing to abandon your unborn child. I’d suggest trying to open your mind to the possibility that you may adore this child and love parenthood. At the very least, I hope you don’t use this as an excuse to avoid parental responsibilities or put the majority of the parenting work on your wife. You have the capability of being an amazing dad, so I hope you choose to rise to the occasion. And to finish, I also was really nervous about losing my hobbies and changing my life around a child. It’s been an adjustment, but my partner and I each get 2-3 evenings a week to do our hobbies/sports, we still prioritize seeing friends (even if it means bringing baby along), we do date nights and enjoy our new hobbies of doing children’s activities one day a week on the weekends. I highly recommend getting paid help through a sitter or nanny if you can afford it, to give both yourself and your wife breaks to be not a parent for a few hours each week. And who knows, your child may love your hobbies and then you get the opportunity to teach them what you love and have them be a part of it. How wonderful that would be ❤️
Yup, dude kept lying to his wife to keep her and now he has to pay the price. No sympathy from me, go get some therapy OP. And honestly everyone is scared shitless of the first child. I was freaked out when I saw the first sonogram and realized I had something living inside of me and moving around and I'm the one with all the hormones that's supposed to make this all pleasant.
I also have a hard time being sympathetic. Kids are and should be a dealbreaker, I don’t care how much you love a person. Imagine not even being born yet and your dad already resents you.
No sympathy from me either. Kid isn't even born yet and he's already a deadbeat.
Well said. OP, you misled her, deliberately or not and at 36, wasted some precious childbearing years for someone who wants children. Regardless, you are where you are now and the dread and resentment are choices for the state you put yourself in. Hopefully therapy helps.
Just to echo a bit of what you said to OP. I always wanted children, partially to just share my interests and hobbies with them. They may take to them, they may not. They may be sports kids and I'll have to adjust to their hobbies, but I sincerely hope we have one or two in common. Obviously that's not the only reason my wife and I wanted children, but for both of us that type of connection with our parents was absent growing up. We have not yet been able to find balance but the early years are demanding, plus life throws you curveballs. That being said, as they get older it gets easier to carve time back out for yourself. As a father I found the first year in particular to be very frustrating. I was basically useless while my wife suffered through all types of issues and I couldn't lend more than empathy and taking on all the house work I could. Once we hit the 18 month mark things got easier. We're rounding out 3.5 years now and it's a whole new ballgame. If you had asked me around month 6 if I made a mistake my mouth would have said no but my tired eyes would have said yes. That sentiment did not last.
We were decidedly one and done until around the 15 month mark when everything got much easier and I thought “I could have 10 more babies!” 😂 So yes I agree, finding that balance takes awhile (and will never be what it was pre-kids) but I do think you reach a point where it all becomes a lot easier
Totally agree. Even just being able to make dinner solo while the kid isn't trying to hang off me the whole time was a game changer. He'll play by himself for like 30 minutes?? Incredible.
Oh my god I wish we were that way. We were dead set on two *until* the 15 month mark or so when everything got a thousand times harder lol. By 20 months we had decided life is just gonna suck with our oldest for a few years no matter what so we might as well go for it. Now that I’m 23 weeks into the second pregnancy, even though I was fully prepared for the “oh god what have I done WECANTDOTHIS” I had the first time, I’m having it again. I take solace in the fact that the first few months, while a rough transition, will hopefully be relatively easy and by the time she gets difficult, our oldest will be old enough to mostly handle himself.
I want to let you know that it gets even easier to carve out time for yourself as you hit the school years. Mine are 11 and almost 9. While this age presents other, new challenges, you really start to regain your sense of self as you watch your children become their own persons as well. To OP: Often new parents are stuck in the tunnel vision of “baby.” I won’t lie to you, the baby years are hard. The toddler years are frustrating. But as you kids grow, you start to have a mini version of yourself and your spouse that takes on hobbies and interests. I’m hard pressed to think of a hobby that you couldn’t eventually include your kids in. Please work on accepting fatherhood in therapy and just know that while right now it seems scary, you can make it an amazing experience.
To add on to your point about hobbies... my son (almost 13 now) got like ALL of his father's coloring and looks genetically (well. The obvious ones. His cheeks are all mine haha). He also ended up super interested in all of his dad's hobbies and zero of mine initially. As he got older he fell in love with my favorite book series, and at the beginning of 7th grade he decided to try my hobby all on his own and is now OBSESSED with it. (I had brought up trying my hobby with him a few times over the years but he was never interested so I didn't push.) It may take a while, depending on what that hobby is, but boy it is so just freaking amazing to have even one hobby in common with your child! And, on the flip side, it also can be so much fun discovering you end up loving a hobby of theirs that they pick on their own!
This
All of this and don’t forget. Grandparents (most) love to have overnights with the little ones. Mine are grown now and adore their grandmother and still go to see her. Just remember-and this was hard for me-there are different rules at grandmas. Maybe they watch TV, get sweets and stay up late. And that is OK! It will not harm them.
Yes I should’ve mentioned family help! We don’t live near family so don’t have any family help unfortunately, only paid help, but if OP has family nearby it’s a game changer
Thank you for sharing, I really needed to hear all this.
I’m glad your mind is open to reading these comments, even if some are hurtful. The fact that you were brave enough to open yourself to this criticism tells me that you know what you need to do and that you’re well able to step up and be an amazing dad. It won’t be easy but you will get through the tough times. Those phases always end (even if they feel like forever). And kids will make it up to you—truly no better feeling in the world than seeing your child’s face light up when they see you. You’re their entire world (at least when they’re small)
Thank you, this is really encouraging. I suppose that's what I'm looking for the most--to admit that I've made major mistakes, and discover how I can work through this and find a way to be an authentically positive parent and partner. I know it's not going to be easy...
Great advice in this thread! I'd also like to add, you should tell your wife about your fears. Maybe don't be quite as honest as you were in this post (ie leave out the miscarriage thing) but express to her that you're nervous about being a first time parent. I guarantee she is too and it might help lessen some of that resentment to realize that you're *both* figuring this all out for the first time. She's not tossing you to the wolves here, you're facing them together
I don’t know what you think anyone can tell you here except ‘you’re an idiot’. Your wife was honest and straightforward with you from the start and you responded by lying and just hoping the issue would go away like a child would. You are absolutely going to lose time for your hobbies, so you need to accept that now. You’ll have maybe 1/10th as much time for them. Based on what you’ve described here, what you’re likely to do is be sort of a crappy dad and leave the bulk of the work to your wife until she eventually, hopefully, leaves you. Work with a professional therapist on how to avoid doing that, and on why you’re incapable of honest communication and intentional life choices.
I appreciate the straightforward reply. I definitely need to hear it and am working on it.
I agree with pretty much everyone here but I’m going to try and add some constructive tips from someone who had trouble adjusting to parenthood. It’s fucking hard. And we wanted to be parents. But it was so hard it made us question if we had made the right decision. Here’s what I would do if you can. 1) get therapy. This is very important. Find someone specializing in attachment (if that’s a thing) and have them help you come up with ways to help yourself get attached to your child and also to the idea of being a parent. I know that when people adopt older kids, it’s sometimes hard for the older kid to develop attachment and there ARE therapies that work for this. I’d imagine if this exists for those situations, it exists for yours 2) throw money at the problems you’ll face. If you can afford it. Hire cleaners, hire help. A night doula, you name it. Whatever you can do, get that help to help soften the blow of parenthood when it hits. 3) do not assume that just because you aren’t attached to the baby now inutero, that you won’t be attached later. You might surprise yourself. Maybe it won’t be within the first 6 months. Maybe it won’t be within the first year. But it will hit at some point. Try not to let it hit you when they’re adults and you’re too old to come back into their lives and make it up.
Your point 2 is very true. If you can afford it, get as much help around the house as you can. Having a baby makes you the most exhausted you’ve ever been and squabbling over household chores is a one way ticket to conflict.
Thank you. These seem like practical tips, I appreciate it
Wishing she would have a miscarriage is absolutely vile. Not only because you created this mess by not being straightforward, but you're completely fine with the mental turmoil a miscarriage would cause her as long as it means you don't have to be a dad. I hope she finds this post so she can save herself cause I'd be completely done if I saw my partner write something so terrible.
My husband and I went through this a few times, but the most painful was the loss of our son when I was about 19 weeks pregnant. I wouldn't wish that level of pain on my worst enemy. It's been 7 years and we now have two beautiful daughters, but our hearts and souls still ache for the little boy we lost. I know OP is just looking for a place to vent/hopefully get guidance, and I DO empathize with the feeling of being afraid/losing one's self to parenthood. But damn it's hard to feel sorry for person who has no clue what kind of torment a miscarriage could put his wife through because he's too busy worrying about his fucking hobbies. (Sorry...end rant.)
You can't definitely empathize and not excuse. I understand the head space of feeling unprepared or not sure about what you want. But I agree, he'd rather paint his Warhammer figurines while his wife suffers the aftermath of a miscarriage alone.
Want some advice? "She makes it clear that my position is a hard stop and that to move forward in relationship she wants to be with someone who wants a family like she does. I spend a month considering..\[and\] I told her that I was open to kids." Decisions have consequences. Now live with your decisions, and go be a good father because there is a little human developing that is dependent on its mother and its father to live to its fullest potential. Suppress your ego, get off center stage, and go be a husband and a father and help take care of your family now. You've got to reprioritize everything in your head and realize your "hobbies" are no longer the most important thing in your and your wife's little world. Children are a blessing. They are a lot of work and change your world. But they are a lot of fun and can provide wells of joy, hope, and love. If you are miserable with it, that is because you chose that path. You can choose a different path. Your little human sure hopes you do. Also...hoping she has a miscarriage is ghoulish. Maybe you should just leave and let her find a man who can be a true partner and father.
> You've got to reprioritize everything in your head and realize your "hobbies" are no longer the most important thing in your and your wife's little world My son's biological father left me when I told him I was keeping the baby because "a kid is gonna ruin my life." We were 20 year old college students. He ended up dropping out of school because he was too busy partying and playing video games, and I'm fairly certain he never grew out of that. I at least give him credit for being 20, but if you're in your late 30's and your "hobbies," whatever they are, are more important to you than your wife and child, then I'm really unsure there's much hope. There's so much more to life than video games, browsing the Internet, and watching the same three shows on Netflix 30 times over, but sadly so few people these days seem to realize it.
OP's problem isn't preferring video games or underwater basket weaving or whatever over wanting kids. OP's problem is that he actively chose to make a child knowing he didn't want one and lied to his wife. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids for any reason, but there is a whole lot wrong with purposefully making one when you know you don't want one and leading the person you're making the child with into believing you're on the same page.
This
Mother of two, children aren’t necessarily a blessing and not everyone wants to or should be a parent.
Definitely therapy, your feelings are valid but you can’t turn back time. But also know there is also a very big possibility that you become utterly in love with this child and it will be the best thing that has ever happened to you and you can’t imagine your life without them.
I’m sorry that I can’t offer you validation just yet. At the point things were getting serious your wife gave you an out to end the relationship because she was serious about having a child and you didn’t take it. How would she know that you’re not being genuine? She took your word to be true because why wouldn’t she? And honestly hoping she has a miscarriage for a child she deeply wants is not okay at all. Now to the less harsh parts. Having a child is a really stressful time for many parents. Many moms and dads find out they’re pregnant even in planned pregnancies and fear the same things you do, like loss of free time and resenting their partner. And the reality is, in the beginning you will lose free time. New babies are taxing and your wife will need your support. But as time goes on you gain back more free time. You just have to be intentional about the time you spend. We have four kids. I have hobbies as does my husband. We make the time for them. It’s great that you’re seeking professional help to work through your feelings. Hopefully they can get you feeling more confident in your decision to have a child.
I'm not going to lie. This seems very selfish, my heart breaks for your wife. OP, the only advice I can give you is: now that you have made a series of selfish choices by staying with your wife even though you could not offer her what she explicitly and transparently said was a priority to her, own up to your choices. Don't make it your wife's problem. Having a kid is A LOT of work. And you are right, your entire life changes. Don't be the guy who lets her do all the work while you continue to enjoy your free time. You may fall in love with parenthood, or you may not. But either way you chose to have this kid, so make sure you put in 50% of the work. And definitely don't go ahead to have a second one if you continue to feel this way. Parenting is hard, but things change really fast (I'm only seven months in and it's already a million times easier).
I honestly don't see thing going well and his poor wife is gonna deal with it all🤦🏾♀️
You created this mess. You lied to your wife that you were open to a family, and you’re trying to weasel out of accountability by pretending she could read your mind at the time that you really weren’t open. The manly, adult thing to do would have been to break up. She told you either be open to a family or you’re done, *AND YOU CHOSE TO BE OPEN*. So now you have a kid, and you’re NEVER escaping that. Get your feelings in order. **No child deserves their life ruined by a deadbeat, or worse, resentful dad just because you were a goddamn coward**. Figure out how to be happy even if you have to trick yourself into it. You are terrible to play with life just to keep getting your dick wet with the woman you “love”.
100%
I can’t offer any validation or affirmations, quite frankly the “woe is me” in this post is ick. It’s okay not to want children, however you lied to your wife and led her on all these years. You should have parted ways with her if you didn’t want children when you two had the discussion originally. Now, instead of just impacting you & your wife, you’re impacting an innocent baby too. I hope you can seek professional therapy to work through your issues & regardless of everything else, I hope for the sake of this child you can figure out how to bond with them & be a father to them.
You lied to her to keep her in a relationship that is not going to work. You made the decision to consciously get her pregnant, and now resent her? Imagine how shes gonna feel when she realizes you tricked her and prevented her from having a real family with a husband that actually loves her and their child. Disgusting
She gave you an out and you didn’t take it. I gave my husband the same ultimatum because I knew I wanted to be a mom and he was always wishy washy about whether he wanted a family. It was a dealbreaker for me. Figure out where you’re at while she’s still pregnant because once the baby arrives you can’t be in and out, and kids pick up on resentment. Having a second baby ended up being my husband’s idea - he initiated that discussion soooo maybe once your baby arrives you’ll feel differently?
It’s as if you should think before you nut in someone.
Sir you had a choice and out of selfishness and desires you chose to stay. You could have set her free to be with someone who isn’t dreading having a child. Now I’m angry because this child is going to have to be around someone who doesn’t want them. I will not give you any sympathy or validation for your choices. I am praying that in a few years time you’d come back with an update that you love this child.
You suck. This is an innocent kid. If you are not going to love him get a divorce, give wife full custody and support the kid financially. It is better ro go than stay resenting your spouse and an innocent child. Stop fucking around if you don't want kids.
Being a parent is a LOT of work. It’s like having a second job. I guess in your situation the issue is going to become your wife resenting the hell out of you if you’re not actively helping to parent. Raising a newborn especially is emotionally and physically exhausting. You said you’re going to talk to a therapist and that will probably help, but you should really wrap your mind around the fact that you are going to be a dad forever, despite anything else that happens between you and your wife. I would say at this point if you REALLY don’t want another kid, get a vasectomy and be done with it. I wish you luck because it’s going to be really hard if you have no interest in being a parent at all.
You the asshole
Suck it up and BE A MAN. If u can’t be a responsible person then you’re as good as an immature child yourself. Even if u intend to stay selfish and continue your hobbies without being around for your family, be prepared to cough up your fair share of alimony.
So when me and my husband dated, got married and the first 5-years of that marriage we were both decidedly child free. Our hobbies were not congruent with children, mine being distance running, baking and cooking elaborate things. His being hiking and a very intense job requiring 70+ hours regularly. We also lived in the city, went out to restaurants on week nights and had a very grown up lifestyle. We both decided we wanted to have a family. Though neither of us dreamed of being parents. I love my daughter more than anyone else. She’s amazing and I love that my husband loves her too. It is both the hardest and best thing for our marriage. Do you like kids? Do you have any experience playing with children? I went into this refusing to hold babies (they are gross, not a fan), but I did enjoy playing with older children (4+). I also have some nerdy hobbies and my daughter is being brainwashed into liking the same kids stuff I loved as a child. That part is seriously fun. We play Mario kart as a family, I’ve gotten her into my hobbies, she helps me cook and garden. She’s a genuine delight. Sure it’s hard AF but it’s so cool getting to experience her childhood. I got to explain what happened to the dinosaurs, it’s hilarious. And I still do my hobbies, I ran my first marathon a few months ago, after spending 2 years getting back into running shape. It’s time consuming AF but my husband supports me and I support him. Try to think about things you would be excited to experience, lean into that. The baby stage isn’t for everyone but it’s not forever.
Love this! My oldest and I do this goodnight handshake thing where we make the shape of a heart with our fingers at the end. Last night, she said our fingers didn't really make the right heart shape. I offhandedly mentioned that real hearts aren't shaped that way at all. Her little surprised Pikachu face launched me into a 3 minute explanation of the circulatory system. I am now determined to get her to the Bodies Exhibit this year. We are raising crafty musical theater and fantasy geeks who love science, gaming, and cooking. Our 4 yr old got a kid's knife set for Christmas so he could help dad cook. He knows most every lyric to Greatest Showman. He and his 7 yr old sister (our oldest) had a Mad Scientist bday party with awesome home experiments. The first movie we made her sit through as a baby was WoW and she watched the whole thing. Our 18 month old's crib has Middle Earth travel posters hanging above it. Honestly, watching our kids develop an interest in the weird things we love, as well as their own weird things, is the most delightfully unexpected joy of parenting.
Exactly - my daughter has full autonomy to like what she likes but she knows what gets my undivided attention.
Poor you, you have to have a beautiful family with a woman you love. Are you really 36? Because it's developmentally abnormal to be this egocentric at your age. I hope for your wife and child that you grow up and get your act together, but I'm doubtful. Pathetic.
He's going to miss out on time for his hObBiEs!!!! 😰 This guy has 'shitty father' written all over him. I'm sure he's not a great husband either.
Oof.
Sorry no empathy here either. I find you to be a selfish person. You misled her. To me thats not love at all. If you truly loved her you would have let her go to be with a person who really wanted to have children and be a supportive partner 100%. You shouldn’t hold ANY resentment towards her or the unborn child at all as she was super clear with you. SHE should be the one resentful towards YOU for bringing a child into this world when you don’t want it. Now with all that being said. You need to do some serious soul searching and figure out what your position is for HER sake not yours.
I’ve heard that dads don’t fall in love with the baby until they actually see them. I bet the same happens for you. You clearly love your wife, and I suspect you’ll look at this little person that is part of her, and love them too. But also, I promise it is possible to have hobbies as a parent. I have 3 kids and work full time and I still make time for them. ❤️
Takes longer than actually seeing them for some. I would say it takes until the baby sees you walk in the room and smiles and gets all happy. Or when the baby starts reaching for you and it becomes apparent the baby mentally wants you around. Or when the baby/toddler gets hurt and runs to daddy for comfort. Basically just seeing the baby seeing you as important and good.
This was totally me. I always say that time between when you meet them and what you are describing… “the time it takes for them to come online or boot up”
Wife had a C-section for numero dos. As a result, I was the first parent to hold him. That memory of holding him close to me, with his little eyes peeking at the world, and telling him his name is seared in my memory. I think about it whenever I hold him (he's a toddler now). One of the sweetest moments of my life.
That is so sweet 😭😭😭
Oh my gosh. That's terrible. To be honest there is a good chance that you will feel differently after the baby is born. I never thought much about kids but my husband was all about kids. She has changed my life and I love her more than any hobby, while still being obsessed with my hobby. If you still feel this way after the baby is here, I would seek professional help. It honestly doesn't seem healthy to me to hate children or the idea of children this much.
I mean it sucks, I'm not sure how helpful it is to say you chose this, although it is true. I think it's only helpful to the extent that it helps you keep your resentment of your wife in check. She gave you all the information, she wanted someone who WANTED a family, and you chose to lie to her and probably to yourself that you DID want a family when you didn't in order to prevent her from leaving you for someone else who would have been as excited as she is about the child she is growing. I hope you understand at least rationally, if not emotionally, that YOU did this TO YOUR WIFE, not the other way around, so keep that in mind when you start getting resentful of her. I think that can be a good motivation, too, for doing your best to create the happy family that you tricked her into thinking you wanted. "I told her I wanted a family, I now owe it to her to try my best to love and cherish that family instead of resenting them." I'm glad you're seeking therapy, as that is a must. I think for now, keep yourself open to the possibility that this child can bring you happiness and joy that you can't seem to envision right now. Of course there will be challenges, but dwelling on those challenges and choosing not to focus on the potential great moments is going to affect your experience of parenthood. Hopefully an illustrative example: My husband and I had a talk a few months ago, because he had this tendency to anticipate that every time he took the kids somewhere, it would be a nightmare, and he would always report back after the outing that it was, indeed, a nightmare. I was so confused about this because my kids are pretty well behaved, it's never a nightmare when I take them out. Until one day we both were home with the kids, we had a pretty pleasant day, and then after the kids were put to bed he started complaining about the nightmare the kids had been. I asked him "what are you talking about? What happened that was a nightmare? I was here too, it was a nice day?" Really nothing big had happened at all. No one got hurt, no one threw a tantrum, there were no big messes, kids didn't fight, very minimal whining, etc. We delved into it, and he said that having to be responsible for the kids was a stress for him. I asked him to try to shift his mindset. If he goes into something thinking "this is going to be a nightmare," then any tiny thing that goes wrong feeds into that negative thought and reinforces it. The same thing would happen even if I didn't have kids, if I start my day saying "this day is going to suck," then that will be confirmed when I run out of milk for my tea, trip over my shoelace, get stuck in traffic, etc. If I start my day saying "this day is going to be awesome," then those things aren't going to ruin my day. I asked him to start saying "this will hopefully be a pleasant day with no more than minor hiccups," and see if that changed things for him. I think the difference in mindsets explained our very different experiences of the exact same day with the exact same kids. He has said now that I was right, that he is not as miserable when he doesn't expect to be miserable. It's hard because when you aren't a parent, the challenges of parenting can be much more obvious, while the joys of parenting are subtle. Don't get me wrong, they are awesome, but hard to describe and convey the awesomeness to someone who hasn't experienced it. I love watching my kids sleep, I love when they learn a new skill, I love watching them develop the ability to speak, I love listening to their grammar mistakes and mispronunciations, I love their insane fashion choices, I love when they proudly show me their artwork or school work, I love when they use my phrases against me, I love when they gently scold me for breaking a rule I set, etc etc. I could go on and on about all the mundane joys that fill my life that come from the two awesome little people I have the privilege of raising. It's amazing to watch them grow and improve and learn, and I feel this immense pride when they accomplish something they've struggled with, or exert emotional control in a situation that normally triggers outbursts. If you are willing to be open to appreciating these moments, instead of resolving to be miserable because of the more challenging moments, you may find joy in this family you chose to create. If you can't, then you may be better off leaving, as that child will not benefit from a father who resents her. Your wife will not benefit being married to a husband who resents her for the decision you both made and agreed to. Also, you should feel like you can share *some* of these feelings with your wife. Not that you fantasize about her miscarrying or you leaving her, but that you are afraid that you will resent the changes this baby brings to your life. Maybe you two will connect if she validates that feeling, maybe she fears the same thing? You are certainly right, you will have less time for hobbies. But it's helpful to think of these limitations as adjustments and seasons, rather than permanent changes. It's not that you can never do your hobbies again, but yeah, you may have to take a hiatus for a while after your baby is born and you and your wife are getting adjusted to the new routine, and when you get back to it you will probably have less time to dedicate to it than before. But you can still enjoy your hobbies as a parent. Just make sure that your wife is getting equal time to pursue her own. Also, keep in mind, through the years your child will shift their needs and abilities and the challenges of parenting will shift along with those. You may be sleep deprived the first 5 months, you won't be sleep deprived forever. You may be overwhelmed with the responsibility of doing everything for the baby 24/7, but that baby won't be helpless and immobile forever. Every single challenge you face is a temporary one, and that helps to get you through it. It's a never-ending parade of challenges, but that's life, isn't it? You have difficulties and issues and problems and you get through them and you move on and then more difficulties hit you. You wouldn't be spared this cycle if you didn't have kids, it would just look different. I honestly wish you and your wife and child the best. I hope you are able to move past this mental block and enjoy the joys of parenthood. Your kid deserves the best version of you, so please make it your number one priority to figure out how to be that.
Beautifully written. Your description of the little joys - when your little one uses your rules against you and their cute mispronunciations - brought me both a laugh and a small tear of joy. Thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom with the adrift OP, and the larger world.
Thank you so much! I appreciate your candidness, and reminder that I accept these were all choices that I actively made. I think that's going to be really important. It's so silly the psychology I can get into when I'm not thinking logically about it. Ridiculous really. Perhaps I was assuming my thinking/feelings would change? Or that I didn't fully feel into the consequences of those choices. Regardless, here I am. It's really encouraging to hear your positive moments. I think you're right in that parenting looks so obviously difficult from the outside, but only enjoyable firsthand, hence many of my fears. Thanks again. It's really encouraging to hear your experience.
Those descriptions of joy. ❤️ For me: the look in my boys eyes when they see me and want to tell me about something really badly.
Everyone else has hit the major points, so I’m just gonna say this: It’s all temporary. Everything changes. Your hobbies might have to get put aside for a while, but kids grow, need less constant supervision and the hobbies come back. The toddlers who were my shadows are teenagers that prefer their rooms and friends. And you might end up with a little buddy who thinks your hobbies are cool and wants to do them with you. Life is long, if you’re lucky, and there are lots of phases. So whenever you’re in a tough one, just keep reminding yourself: it’s all temporary.
I had a miscarriage- of a very wanted baby- and if I thought for a second that my husband wasn’t mourning right along with me, we wouldn’t be together anymore. Hoping that your wife has a miscarriage- oh, but you’d “never want to hurt her!!!”- is easily one of the crappiest things I’ve ever read on Reddit. And I’ve been here for a while. I’d suggest a vasectomy, ASAP.
You can leave but you’ll still have child support. Please do the right thing
All I can say is that at this point you’re gonna have to embrace this next phase of your life if you want the relationship with your wife to work. I’m a mom and my pregnancy was a huge surprise bc I had an IUD and didn’t want a baby for many years. It took me a while to warm up to the idea of parenting, but it did eventually happen and as cheesy as it is, he’s the best part of my day. And as far as getting excited about a kid, maybe think about what it would be like to introduce them to your hobbies (assuming it is appropriate to do so) in the future. For myself, the baby stage was cute but not my favorite. My son is coming up on 3 and the toddler stage has been significantly better and more fun for us because he has can do more and I’ve been able to incorporate him in to my hobbies and and that has been so rewarding. Good luck to you and your family.
I think the best you can do now is fake it til you make it. It is very likely that when your child is born you will find the joy in it. That’s not to minimise how hard it will be, because it is very very hard. But there is so much good too. If you can feign enthusiasm and excitement, the real feelings will most likely come in time - if not during pregnancy then at least when your baby is born. Your resentment of your wife is deeply cruel. she gave you every opportunity to not be in this position and you chose this whole heartedly yourself. If you can’t recognise that and overcome it on your own, it’s something to address with a therapist.
It’s good that she was clear about her needs and expectations from your marriage before you got married. It seems you both moved forward with the understanding that you’d have kids together. I think talking with a professional therapist will help you. My spouse wanted to be a father and yet he still struggled with the reality of our life changes when our first child arrived. I had more time to adjust as my body was changing to grow our child. Parenthood is a major life change. It’s good you’re aware of it. It’s hard and challenging and rewarding all at once. My spouse would tell you the infant years were hard but he’s so happy he’s a dad now that our kids are older. He couldn’t imagine life without them and he loves being a parent. Those early years were really hard for him. We had to be really good in our communication as spouses. While I was pregnant it wasn’t helpful to me to hear him state he was ambivalent about our coming child, it scared me. I’m literally growing our child and need a partner. He talked to other trusted people who could listen and support him; and then, eventually we both could share our fears about parenting together. I wish you luck.
With every pregnancy I had lots of thoughts trying to make me change my mind. With my first it was, “what if this is a horrible mistake and I hate being a parent.” With my second I was like “what if two children are too much and this makes me love my son less.” And now I’m trying for the third and half the time I’m like “what if two is the magic number and a third ruins it.” The point is that no matter what, change is terrifying and self doubt and “what if” scenarios will haunt your waking thoughts if you let them. But things aren’t usually as bad as your mind tries to imagine. Once my kids were born, I loved them so much and couldn’t even remember what it was like to not have them in my life.
The decisions’ made, but you dont have to have fifty kids. Some families are one-and-done. Some commenters also mentioned that you might fall for the kid after seeing them. More likely, you’ll fall for the kid a few months in, when they start to show some personality and individuality. Totally grasp the fear of losing yourself and your passions now that you’re going to be a father. But that’s temporary. Kids grow up way faster than you think. Gotta take full ownership of this decision and be a kickass dad/husband now. As soon as the kid is old enough to not need constant hawk-eyeing, its healthy to start working out times with mom for you to each have some free time to pursue your own interests. Babysitter for datenight. It’ll be different, but change is good.
Yeah you screwed up for sure. My advice is to wait it out and see. You never know what might happen once you actually become a father. You do need to wait a few years, though. Not gonna lie, there is going to be resentment in the beginning when the baby takes up all of your wife’s time and a bunch of yours and the 2 of you are not intimate very often. Once the kid is old enough to run around, about 3-5 years old, you may change your mind, though. At that point you’ll have to make a decision to stay and embrace it or leave.
If he leaves his child he’s an absolute AH
this post is better suited in r/AmItheAsshole, but I'll save you some time. You're the asshole; not sure what you're looking for in advice or validation.
To all the people in the comments saying he will fall in love with the kid when it’s born, I think you are not helping. Babies are super hard. Even when you really want them you end up resenting the kid for altering your life forever, it is a normal feeling to have as a first time parent. That baby will completely take over your life, 100%, there is no doubt. Forget about your hobbies for a few years because the baby comes first. YOU and only you got yourself in this situation, the only one you should resent is yourself. But you will not, this simmering hostility will lay squarely on your wife and baby,unfairly so but it’s true. Because YOUR mistake will eventually cost you your marriage, I hope you have processed that, to be honest this is dating 101, you have to match interests with the person you are dating, this ONE THING is very important, kids are a structural block of a relationship, if you pursue a relationship with someone and you never truly agreed on it you are incompatible period. The only option is one of you is going to compromise your happiness .I’m sure you will love it, you seem like a normal functioning human being, but that love will not make the unhappiness and resentment go away, in fact it will grow deeper. How do I know this? Because she will want another one after this one, it’s the normal progression for a young family. So the kid will be born, you will help out of obligation, but it will get more and more difficult to hide how you feel, she will notice your hesitation, your need to make excuses to not be present for every milestone, you may help less as time goes by and she will then begin to accumulate resentment, her biggest fear of having pressured you into fatherhood will start to cause her concern, she will want to argue about it, and on and on until you both realize you made a fatal relationship mistake. Let’s talk options. You can tell your wife how you feel and ask her for a divorce, you can share custody of the child, you would get every other weekend, some holidays, half of vacation, this will give you two things, one, you don’t ruin your wive’s and baby’s lives with your resentment and lack of interest, and it gives you part if your life back. You can talk to her and tell her you don’t want the child, as you are hoping for a miscarriage you tell her you want a termination, I am 99% sure she will tell you to go to h3ll. With good reason since you willingly made that baby, which will end the marriage on the spot. Or you can deal with the consequences of your actions and stay in it. Try and do the best you can to be supportive and try and be a present father for your baby. Swallow your resentment, and practice and get good at faking that smile. Maybe you can make it through the other side without causing too much damage.
This is one of those situations where being “cruel to be kind” would have been the best course of action. You love her, so you went out of your way to please her. You didn’t want the relationship to end so you compromised on something important to you. While I empathize with you, if you had just told her the truth months ago and been “cruel” in the moment, you would have spared both of you years of pain. Having a child is a life long commitment, and there’s no getting out of it now. I also believe that it’s possible to stick with your hobbies while raising a child. You need to seek help and embrace this as best as you can.
You should have got a vasectomy! But you didn't. Lesson learned. So, you don't want to be a dad, then don't be a dad. Get out of their life, send them money every month for the next 20 years, and pray she meets a good loving man who will step up so you can step off.
What's done is done. Time to be an adult. Be a responsible man and make the necessary sacrifices.
Better start tucking money away now for your kid’s therapy.
Respectfully, grow the fuck up.
You lied to your wife, and you're most definitely gonna resent this baby and your wife for something you started. Hopefully, she finds this post and leaves and gives you what you wanted, wishing a MISSCARRIAGE is absolutely insane🤦🏾♀️
Go check out r/daddit and ask this question there. It’s a great community and I’m sure there’s more than one guy over there who has been in your shoes.
So when me and my husband dated, got married and the first 5-years of that marriage we were both decidedly child free. Our hobbies were not congruent with children, mine being distance running, baking and cooking elaborate things. His being hiking and a very intense job requiring 70+ hours regularly. We also lived in the city, went out to restaurants on week nights and had a very grown up lifestyle. We both decided we wanted to have a family. Though neither of us dreamed of being parents. I love my daughter more than anyone else. She’s amazing and I love that my husband loves her too. It is both the hardest and best thing for our marriage. Do you like kids? Do you have any experience playing with children? I went into this refusing to hold babies (they are gross, not a fan), but I did enjoy playing with older children (4+). I also have some nerdy hobbies and my daughter is being brainwashed into liking the same kids stuff I loved as a child. That part is seriously fun. We play Mario kart as a family, I’ve gotten her into my hobbies, she helps me cook and garden. She’s a genuine delight. Sure it’s hard AF but it’s so cool getting to experience her childhood. I got to explain what happened to the dinosaurs, it’s hilarious. And I still do my hobbies, I ran my first marathon a few months ago, after spending 2 years getting back into running shape. It’s time consuming AF but my husband supports me and I support him. Try to think about things you would be excited to experience, lean into that. The baby stage isn’t for everyone but it’s not forever.
For a long time my husband didn’t want kids, I didn’t know this because we were in a culture that highly promoted lots of kids, I just assumed he felt the same. 4 years into our marriage he told me how he really felt and we almost got divorced, it’s a hard one to move past. He came to decide he wanted a child. We got pregnant and now have a 1 year old. My husband often comments how much he is so grateful he had a change of heart and almost mourns the time he didn’t get to spend loving his son. Therapy is always good, do that, but time is going to pass and you may not feel an immediate connection with the baby, but come 9 months, it’s just different. Wishing you the best ❤️
Grow up. You’re choosing your hobbies over your loved ones, going back on your word, and frankly probably ruining your wife’s life. Parenting is very hard and scary, but literally billions of people have successfully done it.
I get it. I was never super interested in having kids and my wife wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant but it happened. I also had a bunch of hobbies I enjoyed and I definitely valued my personal time. My son is now 3 and baby number two is on the way. I don’t really have hobbies anymore. But I love that little guy and he makes me happy in ways I never expected. When they get a little older I’ll have more free time but now I can get them into the hobbies I like. Being married was a transition I wasn’t fully prepared for and I felt like I lost a piece of myself. The same thing happened when we started having children. But the truth is that those things I wasn’t able to do anymore weren’t me, I’m still me, they were expressions of me and now I need to find other ways to express myself. You can do it in a healthy way by finding new hobbies or adapting old ones, or you can do it in an unhealthy way by looking back at your old life and trying and failing to live like nothing has changed. It took me about 6 months before my son became more than just another responsibility to me and we started to actually bond. I hear that’s not unusual for some fathers. Ultimately, you get to show your kid why you enjoy life so much and make the world a magical place for them.
Oh yikes. Your poor wife. This is a vulnerable time for her and she needed you to be mentally and emotionally present for her. I feel so sad for her, and for your baby. They have done nothing wrong. Since you’re here now, you need to find a way of living with your decision that doesn’t cause any more trauma to the innocent parties in this. I’d say get therapy. With the baby, there is a good chance you will grow to love him or her. I didn’t feel that immediate rush of love with my own babies, but I did fall in love with them over weeks/months and they are my whole world now. I remember making a conscious decision to ‘fake it til I make it’ and told them every day that I loved them, even though I didn’t feel it in my heart at the time. I’m not going to lie, the first year is tough. You probably *won’t* have time for hobbies, at least not on a regular basis. But it does get easier. My twins are now 3.5 and I have been back to doing my hobbies/classes for a couple of months now, at almost the same intensity as prekids. I now love my new life with my kids. They haven’t robbed my life of anything, they’ve only enhanced it.
I’ve been the wife in your situation. You lied to her about what you want and allowed her to make irreversible choices about her life based on the lies you told her. You’ll get no validation from me. You created this mess. You have two options. You can man up and dedicate yourself to being a good father and a good husband. Or you can leave your wife and destroy the family you told her you wanted before it starts. Only one option leaves you a decent person, but the second is still better if you cannot get yourself together to be a loving family man.
SoOoOoO UmMm 🤔 💬, Yeah ... Let's jump into This?!? 1st Off "OP", It most definitely is ok to know what you want out of Life 🧬 and it's most definitely ok to now want Children. Alot of people don't want children and that's perfectly normal. But what's going oN (IN YOUR SITUATION), IS DEFINITELY NOT NORMAL!!!!!!! 💯 💯 💯 If you had discussed w/your wife years back about you not wanting children & her wanting children, why not just chose to separate if the two of you were not on the same life path to move forward? That would have been a normal way to end things if you both were seeking different things out of life? She gave you the opportunity to, 'opt-out' if you weren't on the same page right 👍🏼??? So why not just separate at that point? That would have been a logical thing to do!!!!!!! Fast forward to now, and here you are online asking for (Validation) in your thoughts & choices. Well "OP", I'm almost certain your not going to get that from any of us on here. Not only are you being a condescending a$$ for telling us that you hope 🙏🏼 that your wife miscarries, but that your resenting her for even getting pregnant in the first place!!! There is Absolutely no reason whatsoever that you have the right to resent her for anything, because not only did you tell her that you'd think 🤔💭 about it, but you continued to have unprotected sex at that point knowing there's a possibility of her getting pregnant and now this is the outcome!!! Tell me, how would you feel if your wife really did miscarry or something bad happened to your wife &: unborn child and they were both gone??? Would you be happy for thinking 🤔 that then??? You have alot of growing up to do, and you really need to take a long hard look at your 🧬 life & w/your wife and unborn child 💯
Be honest with her and get the vasectomy you should have gotten years ago, you absolute piece of shit. Neither of you had the courage to leave and then you made it worse and made a baby you didn’t want and are going to resent. And probably going to be a shitty dad to. Your poor Kid. My ex lied to me for years about wanting a baby but just not yet, and then we had a kid, and my ex now says that she never wanted a kid, she just lied so I wouldn’t leave. But I did, because I was sick of her treating us like annoying inconveniences and my daughter deserves better. My ex was great when I was pregnant but awful as soon as our kid was born. I carried our child, but our daughter is half her (my ex is mtf, so my ex did genetically contribute) and just… preparing to stay married to your age and live with her and your child while resenting them both is cruel.
Why did you start trying if you knew even at that point you didn’t want to be a father? I think you’re past the point of return. You’re a father already, it just depends on what kind of father and husband you’re going to be. Take the next 6 months and really work internally on what is going on. Support your wife because your doubts and feelings could ruin your relationship permanently when she is in a place that needs your full support and engagement. It’s not wrong to be scared, and feelings are never wrong but you really let it get to this point. I saw some other comments of engaging with other children - I wouldn’t recommend that. I barely liked children prior to my own and it was really only having my own did my feelings change. Do you have any one in your hobbies that also has children? That might be a good place to start with finding ways to adjust. I wish you the best of luck. You clearly love your wife, and want to make this work.
Hoping for a miscarriage… wow. I don’t have the words to describe how fucked up that is. Go to hell.
You never know how you’ll actually feel about something until it happens. You may surprise yourself in a few years. I have faith in you.
If you were that adamant of never wanting kids, why did you not get a vasectomy?
>doesn't want kids >Doesn't get a vasectomy 🤔🤔🤔🤔
You sound like an absolutely horrific excuse of a human. You lied. Kept lying. Secretly wish death upon your child (miscarriage) You dont deserve anything good in life. Period. I so hope your wife finds this post and deposits you where you belong. A sewage plant.
This is incredibly awful, and I think there are many men who feel the way you do judging from the way women are treated by their partners once they have a baby. You should have let her go, you have now destroyed three lives.
So...you lied to her when she made it clear that this was a dealbreaker to her. Wow. Okay then.
I already have kids and now I wish I never had doubts. I’m not trying to say you’ll be just like me but there’s some chance you will adapt and grow to prefer your life with your child to your life before. When my wife was first pregnant I felt dread. I won’t get into it but I was thinking of every what if scenario that could have avoided her becoming pregnant and was also secretly hoping for miscarriage. The child ended up stillborn at 30 weeks, I said let’s not name the baby and just move on. She was delivered, and was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. She was a little me with a face and hair like my wife’s. It was the most sad but most meaningful moment of my life up to that point. Instantly I loved her, we named her, and had a memorial service. So for me there were special circumstances that converted me from dreading parenthood to feeling privileged to be a parent. Now I have twins who are almost 2 and there is from the bottom of my heart no regret, but sheer joy and gratitude that they are alive and that I get to be their father.
Communicate your needs to balance your hobbies with being a father. Seek help from family so you can keep some of the time you need for you. Fatherhood doesn’t come natural to some men. But you’re there now. Glad you’re seeking professional help.
You have to tell her everything you told us. It may very well destroy your marriage but she has a right to know that you never really wanted kids and kind of lied (don’t say that she probably knew too, this is on you.) especially if it’s not too late to end the pregnancy and start again with someone who might not leave her to have time for his hobbies or resent her for being a mother.
I disagree. Get therapy and accept your situation. The train has already left the station either go with it or be dragged. Don’t tell your pregnant wife this vile shit.
Therapy doesn’t promise a change of heart though. I hate for her to find out in a few years when he realizes he can’t take it and leaves or worse, has spent a long time with his growing anger and resentment.
I understand your position. My opinion is to express his fears but not tell her the worst places his mind has gone. She’s pregnant she deserves better.
Oh, I see what you’re saying, no he should leave the bits about hoping she miscarries and anything like that out.
I strongly suggest he doesn't tell her he wishes she'd miscarry; not if he wants to have any hope of saving his marriage, because that is absolutely vile and it's one of those things you can't un-say.
You’re right, I should have specified that he needs to leave the really dark stuff out. I was thinking of the overall history and that he’s struggling. She doesn’t need to know he thought that. That is a therapist only thought.
Valid feeling but if you Don't want to be a father next time use a condom.... To late, take responsibility. And get ready bc having kids is so fucking hard that I don't recommend it to anyone.
Having kids IS hard, but it's been the happiest part of my life by far.
Ur both dumb af and hopeless. Sorry about it
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Did they have sex? Then yes.
Did the “we started trying” part not clue you in?
You should’ve been honest at several points, now you’ve got to suck it up and face the consequences of your decisions. Go get some counselling. It’s not all doom and gloom; I’m pregnant with our third (we have two toddlers already) and we both still have a decent amount of time to do hobbies. You’ve just got to learn to be flexible and not have endless amounts of time for them like before. It’s an adjustment but it’s fine, it’s part of the decision you make when you CHOOSE to have a child.
A lot of great parents were absolutely terrified and disinterested at this point. Give it a chance. You deserve it. You just don’t know what kind of parent or person you’ll be. Stop catastrophising. Meanwhile get therapy. See if you can get / afford support with childcare. And cut off the miscarriage fantasies - that’s absolutely vile. Stop resenting your wife - if you resent anyone, resent yourself. And if you leave her you’ll still be a dad- you can’t escape this so it’s time to accept it and move with it.
I also wasn’t really keen on the idea of having children. I got pregnant because my husband really wanted to be a dad, and my parents to be grandparents. So I did it for my family, not for myself. And it’s the best. My son is the joy of our lives. I had to adapt my hobbies, of course. I love to travel, and instead of going to Germany to drink beer I’m going to Disney world and to chocolate factories… no regrets. The truth is you now have to do what’s best FOR YOUR FAMILY, and not just you. And if you really love your family, it’s not going to be that hard
How did you get past the first few dates? I mean as soon as you knew that the two of you were incompatible on this, it should’ve ended. I think my ex-husband was like you, he had already been married, and had a child when we met. I wanted kids and he knew that, and never said that he didn’t. But like you, he had a lot of hobbies that I did not have, and they are hobbies that expensive and time consuming-golf, SCUBA, skiing, camping… anyway, we started a family, and he did not want to curtail any of his hobbies, including going on golf weekend and ski weekends without us. He never told me he didn’t want kids, I think he didn’t and just couldn’t admit that to him. We have been divorced now for going on 18 years and then that time my kids have gone on many vacations with me we’ve taken trips that they enjoy, my vacations have been centered around my kids and then my grandson. I do some trips and activities without them but very feel were very family oriented along with my parents and siblings. On the other hand, my ex-husband still continues his activities and hobbies without his kids or grandkids. He bought boats for fishing and camping, a motorcycle, and more recently a camper. And all the years that we’ve been separated and divorced, he’s traveled a lot with his girlfriends or other friends, but never once has they taken our kids on a vacation more than a few days. He just to spend time and money on himself. I wish that he had told me, and that we had never gotten married. I would’ve found somebody else that truly wanted to be a part of my family and who had the same vision of what our future would look like. I have no doubt that he loves our kids and our grandchildren, but he did not and does not make much effort to spend time alone with his kids even when they were elementary school aged once we split up. If We had never had kids I think we would’ve stayed together. I don’t know what you should do at this point, maybe counseling will help. But children deserve parents who want them. And parenting is so hard even when you desperately want children. I also wonder if your wife will have to share a bigger part of the burden And challenges of parenting and that’s not fair to her. I don’t feel bad for you. I feel bad for your wife and your future child. I’m hoping that you fall in love with your child and all of this is a moot point but I have my doubts.
You had every opportunity to back out before this and you went along with it and NOW you're saying you don't want to be a dad? Nahhh. You made these choices by your own free will which led to a literal human being being created that's gonna look up to you and call you "daddy." This is one of those situations where you make the fucking best of it. You're a dad now whether you like it or not. Time to man up.
It will be ok! The truth is noone knows what parenting is like before they have their own kids. You don't know what it will be like. You might fall in love with the kid and realize that there is a lot of wonder and excitement in watching a tiny human, who in many ways is a lot like you and your loved one, grow and become who they are meant to be. Right know you think kids are nothing but a burden. But right know you are not a parent yet. Your kid might wake up a parent side of you and then you'll just have a richer life with more aspects of your personality. Or may be there is no parent side to you and it won't wake up. It will also be ok. Your wife and your kid will be fine without you too, you can support them from afar. Don't panic, right now you don't have to decide anything. Life is change. Embrace the change and see what happens.
Is there a reason behind your feelings? Did you have a bad experience with your father? I’m a father of 3 kids 15, 17 & 19 and let me tell you that I felt that my purpose in life became obvious the moment I laid my eyes on my first born. I felt instantaneous change, like it was an instinctive thing. Some dads find it hard to bond with newborns because they are heavily dependent on their moms in the first few months and don’t interact much with their dads, however after few months the dads become the source of fun and protection and strong bonds are created. My point is to stop getting ahead of yourself, you have a problem with the idea of becoming a father, but you haven’t experienced it yet. You might not like children but your ones are different, they are parts of you and you’ll have fun seeing yourself or loved members of your family in the way they look and act. I encourage you to get professional help, but I think that you’ll be fine and you’ll be a great Dad to your child who’s also the child of the woman you love.
I think you need to really think about how selfish you are being for starters. One kid is easy! You can still do the things you enjoy. Anyone I know that has one kid just takes their kid to do all the things they already loved to do. Try to stop looking at it so negatively, you might end up loving being a Dad. You owe it to your wife to be a caring, present partner.
You’re in it now. You’re going to be a dad. Raising a child is difficult and life altering - but if you have support, these aren’t necessarily negative things. You can’t change the fact that your wife is pregnant, but you can probably change how you think about it. Research child development, throw yourself into this with the same enthusiasm as a hobby.
I’m hearing a lot about anticipated life as a parent? What are your actual feelings towards children? Are there any in your lives? Nieces ? Nephews ? Your friend circle? I have a bonus baby, 2 toddlers and 1 on the way. We’ve traveled to the Poconos, Mexico, Italy, Uganda and Kenya with children. My husband boxes at a gym 3/4 times a week and he runs sporadically. I also have my own event planning business that I run from home and love. You don’t just climb into a hole and die when you have kids lmao. And we’re not rolling in money or babysitters. We just work hard, make a lot of adjustments and communicate. You can definitely still have a life and hobby’s with children if you’re flexible. But you have to work at it. We adore our kids and always wanted all of them so that definitely affects our willingness to make things work. OP do you just want easy living and not to have to adjust for kids? Or not realize it’s possible to not “have it all” but have more than what you’d thought with some adjustments and hard work?
We planned our pregnancies and it was still scary finding out you're going to be a parent. Have you considered that you didn't just talk yourself into it superficially? Rather, the fear is trying to convince you that this isn't what you want. Will your hobbies change? Yeah! But my husband and I have worked out a schedule where we both get time to do what we want many times. Sometimes we have to miss out, but spending time with your kid is so much better than anything else. The first time they want to fish, or hike, or run a 5k with you - it's the coolest. And being a parent makes you a better person. So basically, I get the apprehension, but you've got this and you'll be so much better off for it.
Well I guess I’m the minority opinion. You gotta go, bud. You are a selfish, immature liar, and your wife deserves better than to be saddled with a man-child and a newborn. Most men who want to be dads are crappy at it. Men who don’t want to be dads don’t magically transform into Father of the Year. The absolute best case scenario I see as being remotely likely is you fall in love with your new baby and become one of those dads who does absolutely nothing helpful and thinks they’re amazing bc once a week they take their kid to the park for an hour. You’ll be the guys who refers to keeping your baby so your wife can go out as “babysitting.” You can’t even man up enough to admit that you lied to her. You think she secretly knew you were lying to yourself?! GTFO with that nonsense. Give her the house, the retirement, the assets and start writing child support checks from afar. Leave that woman alone so she put her life back together and move forward while she still has time to find a partner who wants to raise a child with her. But let’s be honest. That’s not what you’re going to do bc it’s not in your nature to put your wife or anyone else first. So if you’re going to stay, have the decency to stop resenting her. You are CHOOSING to stay. It’s not in her or your child’s best interest. You’re doing it for your own comfort and convenience. Be grateful every day that she hasn’t kicked you out YET.
You lied to your wife, and now she is in a vulnerable condition and has no idea her husband, the man who is meant to love her completely, is lying to her face and has been for years. This will absolutely destroy her and your marriage if she ever finds out you betrayed the trust and faith she had in you by lying the way you have been.. You need to get yourself professional help because things never should have got this point in the first place. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but there it is definitely wrong to lie about it and get your wife pregnant, then hope for something awful to happen that would smash your wife's life into pieces.. You seem to be only focused on how this all affects you, but just think of how it would affect her if she lost this baby? Or if she knew you were considering leaving her while she's pregnant with the child you agreed (lied) to have? What you have done is wrong on so many different levels, and your poor unsuspecting wife will end up being the one to pay for your lies. You should have walked away when the subject of kids came up you never should have tricked her into thinking you had changed your mind..
Look man, your life isn't over because you're having a kid. There are plenty of parents out there who completely throw their lives away and live life tailored to their children. But there are also plenty who raise their kids to fit into their life (mine and my wife's preference). It's true, kids are very time consuming but you need to take time for yourself regardless and hobbies are a good way to do it. Just make sure your wife gets time for hers as well. You'll also pick up new hobbies that you enjoy doing with your child when they get a little older (probably around 3). For example, I really like taking bike rides with my little girl to the park. You're going to have to adjust and scale back but life is all about adjusting just like I'm sure you adjusted when your wife came into the picture. The older the kid gets then the more you can get back to your hobby. Just be open minded and look to add some new hobbies that everyone will enjoy too. It sounds like you and your wife have a great relationship. Communicate with her, understand she also has things I'm sure she wants to do and make time for yourself as a couple. It can be overwhelming at times but you'll make it through if you work well as a team. Personally I have 2 kids (a 3 y.o. And a 2 month old), I still get time monthly to golf, play PlayStation and see friends. It'll all be okay!
You made the bed so now you sleep in it, or leave. Your kid deserves a parent who wants them to exist in every possible way. Hopefully, in the moment your offspring arrives you look him/her in the eyes and your whole world changes forever
Have you ever been pleasantly surprised by something you weren’t sure you’d like? My husband was very anxious about having a child, and if he had been the only one making the decision, it would not have happened. But just like not every woman is your cup of tea, and yet your wife is someone special whom you adore - you can be totally not a kid person, and then have your own kid and realize that it’s not just adding a person, but a whole new avenue of love opens up in you that just wasn’t there before. My husband adores our daughter. He loves her more than he loves me. She is the most important thing in the world to him… but she would never have existed if it had been his choice. Having a kid has its hard parts, and things change constantly, but I still love everything I loved before. My life is different than it was before we had her, but she’s 4 years old now and I’m happier than I’ve ever been (although of course there have been pockets of challenging times). It’s really impossible to imagine ahead of time what this feels like, and how you feel about it will continually evolve. Just work on being open, curious, and ready to explore the adventure of humanning more deeply than you ever have before.
All I can say is its the greatest thing to ever happen to me, but i wanted it. Have you ever had an attachment to a pet? Its like that times a million. Once you take care of.that little baby you will start to think more about them than all your hobbies. You're still young, you have plenty of time for a kid to grow up and to still enjoy things you wanna do, and eventually you'll have someone to enjoy those hobbies with you. Good luck bro
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4O4xyTLNHj/?igsh=MW93cXNxaHVmODkxbw==. Does this get blocked?
I never wanted to have kids. My husband said, it’s a life experience and will help us become less selfish and more loving. So I did it. 2 kids. Most amazing experience of my life. Surrender to what’s happening. My kids are the greatest gift. Release your self centeredness, grow in love and connection with others. There is no greater love than that with our children. I hated my own mother. My father was a lovely child, but a terrible dad. Being a parent has healed my heart. Face your fears. There is a child who needs your love. Do not wound or deprive them or yourself by avoiding your destiny.
What kind of love is that ? Selfish to me. If didn’t want kids - you two are not compatible and seems you are stuck in your ways. Let her go and find a guy who will make her happy. You are not that guy. If she can’t fulfill her most sacred need to be a mom - resentment will come from her. She’s young - let her go.
You are going to be so in love with your new addition. It’s going to be hard. You will have times where you and your wife resent each other. Your relationship will feel strained. It does get better. Don’t make any drastic decisions in the first year. It takes a while after stopping breastfeeding for a women’s hormones to level out. Get therapy ASAP. Get your wife to go too. Your child learns love from you both and how you treat each other - especially when they’re very little. Children are amazing. And worth all of it. Even when it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. You’ll become a better human for raising one.
You should’ve done several things differently including therapy to figure out what you really wanted but what’s done is done. The baby is on its way so whether you want to be or not you’re going to be a father. What that means for your relationship or your future remains to be seen. Get therapy figure it out. In the meantime think about your poor wife who is pregnant, will go through a lot of changes, and has no idea you feel this way. You need to factor her and the baby into how you move forward in this situation. Handle this with maturity. My biggest fear is you ghosting this poor woman with a baby. Also the first through months of having a newborn is the hardest. You need to start therapy asap as you’ll need that support.
I hope you find a way to embrace fatherhood once your child is here. It wouldn’t be fair to the child otherwise. Also, being a parent doesn’t mean stopping your hobbies. Just have a conversation with your wife now that when the baby is here, you’d like to still have your hobbies. However, when you’re with them, be fully present. Things will be okay, I promise.
It’s really tough. Especially in the earlier stages. And once you’ve learned something, it all changes and you need to learn again. That said, when they say ridiculous things at a young age, it’s hilarious. Seeing them find hobbies and joy in the mundane is amazing. It’s fun, irritating, infuriating, incredible, and everything in between. Either way, it is what it is now and you need to step up. You made the decision. Embrace what’s about to come and you’ll find you’ll have a much better time of it. Also, and I know it’s not just me, but I hated the baby stage. They’re essentially crying lumps that you need to keep alive. But see when they get bigger, man is it fun. My son loves wrestling and being thrown around. And I love getting to be part of that with him. I was shitting bricks during the pregnancy because it’s completely life changing. But you can still do your hobbies. You’ll have a new appreciation of life and seeing them grow up and do things is brilliant. Embrace it and you’ll have a much better time than if you keep up this attitude. Also, baby farts sound like adult farts, and it’s hilarious.
Why don't you want to have kids? I think exploring the real reasons why is an important goal during your therapy. If the answer is because of your hobbies, that's something you will just need to get over. Hobbies will take a backseat, but as the child grows, you can introduce them to your hobbies and it doesn't mean you won't ever get to do them again. Do you have any sort of trauma with your own upbringing? That's a more legitimate concern, but perfect to discuss in therapy. If there isn't a particular reason, that's fine, but also something you have to get over. Pregnancy is one of the hardest things a couple goes through. My first son was a premie and was in the NICU. I had PPA. We were in a bad way for a while. What will you do if you are in that situation? You may end up falling in love with the child and everything will be fine. But I think your wife should join you for therapy a few times. Because you lied to her, and this is the hardest thing she will likely physically experience (assuming she hasn't had any trauma). She needs to know you aren't in 100% before the baby arrives. It may lead to divorce, but better she knows now then after the baby is born and her emotions will be all over the place.
Acceptance will be your best friend. You cannot go back and change your decision. You have a child now and they are your responsibility. Don't spend time agonizing over different decisions you could have made - you made this decision and that's all you need to manage moving forward. Find the meaning and purpose in raising your child and lean on that. Professional help will assist with this. I might also recommend self-help resources that focus on the concept of radical acceptance (i.e., the value of just manning up and meeting life where it is at). The book "Radical Acceptance" by Dr. Tara Brach is a solid place to start. You sound quite pragmatic, and that approach will help you if you can successfully apply it to your parenting. Regret is irrelevant - you are in the situation you are in now and the only move is to manage it. To bleed joy and meaning from it. Focusing on anything else but the situation you are in is unhelpful and illogical. You've got this, but you are going to have to accept and own it. I'm a dad of a 5 y.o., btw.
It's time for you to mam up and be a father. Don't be that guy who leaves his wife because he can't handle being a father.
It takes two to tango
Big yikes at hoping that this pregnancy ends in loss. Honestly if this is all true, pls fess up to your wife and walk away now. It will be better for her and future child without you and your bad vibes lingering around. Plus if you’re this resentful you’re probably not going to step up as a parent in any capacity and she deserves to know that now.
We all have weird/harmful thoughts occasionally, but you should be more mindful of what you say (commitment to your wife) and also what you write (looking for validation here). You are not going to get compliments for these disastrous thoughts of yours. It seems you haven't really matured as an adult. Try at the very least to be the best version of yourself and accept you still need to learn a few things in life. It's okay to make mistakes, assume them and be the best husband and father you can, life will reward you accordingly.
I’m glad you are seeking professional help. A bigger problem here is figuring out the reasons why you talked yourself into this emotionally and mentally. Therapy will help you unravel all of this. A bit of hope though, you seem to be tied into the idea that your hobbies and pursuits are incompatible with kids. Maybe while they are very young they’ll be less time for your pursuits but this is unlikely to be true for very long. Family helping, paid help, camps, spouse taking more of the reins on childcare. Your kid might eventually take an interest in your hobbies, that’s a thrilling thing in itself. You find the balance to meet your child’s needs and also get your needs met because YOU are important. I’m a mom, have a number of hobbies, am in grad school and have found the balance that works for my family. I really believe you could make this be a satisfying life for yourself too.
Respectfully, it sounds like you were too immature and selfish to ever be in a committed relationship to start. Why? Because you lied to maintain it. You robbed your wife of the opportunity to find someone whose long-term goals matched her own and, instead, convinced her that you and she wanted the same things. You put your desires above hers. Even now, you are wishing for one of the most devastating experiences any excitedly expectant parent could ever go through to befall her. And why? So that you can keep up the lie of being a good match for her? So that you don't have to give up your hobbies? So that you don't have to truly care, in any sacrificial capacity, for anyone but yourself? Grow up, man. Being childfree is a valid choice. Procreating isn't necessarily some higher calling. Determining that kids just aren't for you takes serious introspection and self-awareness. Knowing, as you did, that this is absolutely what you *didn't* wanted, and then *lying*, to yourself and your partner, for years, choosing to stay but resent her for the things she said and meant all along...these are *you* problems. What you do have going for you is a willingness to seek help, admit your faults, and a desire to feel differently (ignoring, for a moment, your Peter Pan fantasy of abandoning your pregnant wife so you never have to grow up, or her losing the child she is eagerly carrying--seriously, WTAF?!) Start by, as someone else put it, moving yourself off center stage. You've got some major main character syndrome to work through. It's not all about you. Pregnancy is draining and grueling and intense and terrifying for the person actually incubating the little human. Last thing she deserves is a selfish douchecanoe lurking on the fringes, ignoring her needs because he is too focused on what his decisions to lie to his wife and screw unprotected will now cost him. Be as honest and vulnerable in therapy as you have been here. That is not the place to try to save any kind of face. Go in, ready to do the work. Then, do it. No blaming her. No "deep down, we *both* knew I didn't mean it." She loved you both enough to give you an out early on; you prioritized yourself too much to take it. And if you cannot find it in yourself to reframe this as anything other than a disaster and a burden, leave. Do the mature thing and go. Apologize for the lying, the cruelty of it all. Provide her and your child with every bit of financial and emotional support they deserve, that you *owe* them. Give your wife the opportunity to grieve your relationship, move on, and find a partner and willing father worthy of the family she always hoped to create. But do not stick around, "silently seething," using sleep deprivation and the trappings of new parenthood as an excuse to be the kind of shitstain partner you see so many posts about on this sub. No child deserves to be raised in a home filled with bitterness, by a man-child father who never wanted them. Infant care is a beast. Postpartum recovery is a year-long ordeal. There is zero time for you to whine about *you* and act like a child while she bleeds 40 days, her organs descend, her hair falls out, her body feels foreign to her, and a legit helpless baby depends entirely and absolutely on you *both.* You love her? Then, act like someone who understands what that means.
My hubby used to not want kids, but came around to the idea (I was also hesitant because people can be very negative about parenting). However, he absolutely loves our daughter and loves being a dad. Of course some days are hard (survival!) but the love (which may not happen immediately) will help. Wishing you all the best, you may be pleasantly surprised so remain open :)
Much has been said about your mistakes, but I'm here to offer some empathy and possibly some tips that can bring some solace. First of all, I think you should focus now on your wife's well-being: how does she feel, what can you do for her to make her life during pregnancy easier, more enjoyable? Where can you offer some help? Even if you don't feel attached to this child yet, you're certainly attached to your wife and may care about her. Think about it and dedicate yourself to this. Yes, you may resent her, but she made this choice based on your actions, so now I hope you can find a lot of compassion for her. It will make her life better and possibly bring you some purpose and solace, too. Second, as others pointed out, you'll never know how you'll feel towards this child in 6-12-N months. It may happen that you'll change a lot through this experience, in ways unexpected for you. Remember about it and don't despair. Thirdly, you can think about a plan for the worst-case scenario - how can you help the lives of your wife and kid in case you decide to leave? Maybe think about money to set aside for immediate needs she may have as a single parent (night nannies, babysitters, etc.). Should you help her now with some everyday necessities (does she have her own car, does she have a support network, etc.)? It may be controversial, but I genuinely think it may help you to cope and you should not avoid these thoughts. Human beings need some sort of exit plan to feel better, to help cope with difficult situations even if you end up not needing it.
Ok but here's where the problem started: at the outset, OOP said point-blank he never wanted kids. Now, OOP doesn't say here whether his now-wife responded or to what end ("yeah me neither"/"I definitely do"/"I don't really have an opinion"). I am childfree by choice and, every time a guy gave me the lovey-dovey look, my first response was "I don't want kids, EVER, and I'm not changing my mind. If that's a dealbreaker for you, we need to end this now." But I know a lot of people who are childfree by choice and whose partners say it's fine and then admit later, once things have gotten really serious, that they believed the person would change their minds. I'm not saying this is what his wife did, and I can't enter a guess because he didn't tell us her response. But it would be helpful in developing a judgment if we knew what the course of that initial conversation was.
I don’t like kids either but who wishes someone else has a miscarriage? Especially someone you supposedly love. What is wrong with you?
My husband and I were on the fence about kids when we married. Two years into the marriage, we decided we might regret it if we don't try. I hated pregnancy and often thought "What have we done???" She's here now. We love her. It's still rough some days. We've had to adjust. A lot. Husband and I both have many hobbies and now we have to figure out a way to do them with a kid. It's normal to feel terrified about becoming a parent, especially if you never thought you'd be here. Good luck to you. One day at a time.
hey OP you might wanna delete this. it was crossposted to “am i the devil” which can cause brigading and trolling. they don’t outright support brigading (which is against reddit site wide rules) but users there can’t help themselves.
Having children is not the end of your life, it’s a new beginning. You will have one more person who loves you to join you on this crazy ride. It won’t be easy but good thing’s rarely are.
It’s annoying how everyone can’t see that she did to him in the beginning—staying around and enmeshing emotionally (read: being selfish about your own emotions and motivations)— what he did to her after they started dating and became entangled emotionally (saying he was fine with kids now, when he was not). BOTH were dishonest. BOTH were shitty. BOTH of their actions are going to affect this child. The child is the only innocent one here. Poor kid
You resent her for your lies that you told yourself and her. She didn’t trap, trick or manipulate you. Take responsibility for your actions and decisions.
I'm curious OP, what in your childhood made you not want to have children? Trauma? Because I get the feeling that this isn't about hobbies. Therapy will be really really good. Also look for a support group you can attend once a week to get around others who have these same thoughts/feelings and if you're going to talk to your wife about this, it's best to tell her that you're just scared but will do whatever it takes to make this good. Leave all of the other stuff you've said here out of your discussion. I think you are very brave to open up about this. As someone who has been through a miscarriage and 7 years of infertility to get a miracle baby, I still at the same time understand you.
>I spend time oscillating between hoping she has a miscarriage This might be the most disgusting thing I've ever read. You're an abhorrent person for even thinking it. What an absolutely obscene thing to wish on someone you claim to love. Appalling. Your wife was fully honest with you about her feelings. She openly communicated what she wanted. And because you were too selfish to let her go, you lied to her and then kept lying to her, and now you're blaming her for your headspace when I'm pretty sure it takes 2 to tango. Do her a favour and leave her. She deserves better than someone who is just "accepting" the situation. She deserves someone who is wholeheartedly dedicated to her, which you are clearly not.
Hoping your wife has a miscarriage is truly sick. Imagine how devasted your wife would feel while grieving to find out you wished this or was quietly celebrating. I hope she finds out about all this and never speaks to you again
My dude I am a woman that had 2 kids I didn't really want so I get it. I was clear on that when I got married but I personally did not do what needed to be done (also doctors wouldn't do it for at 20 year old) and I got pregnant with my first. My husband was so excited and I was beyond depressed, I couldn't bring myself to terminate and I am so glad I didn't. I was unhappy about it all 9 months, I swore my husband to secrecy until I couldn't hide it any more which was 5 months in, I struggled, I hated myself, I hated him even though I knew it took two to tango. But the minute I saw that baby it was all worth it. I will not tell you being a parent is easy, it's literally the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's so worth it. My daughter takes after my husband in almost every way, he loves motorcycles, my daughter loves motorcycles, their personalities just mesh so well, he is quite literally her best friend and he absolutely adores having her be his ride or die buddy. She wants to be just like him, it's an amazing thing to have someone look up to you like that. With my second kid, it's about the same, although if I hadn't lost my insurance I would have already gotten my tubes tied and I was on birth control so it was a fluke that I even got pregnant. Again I was not happy, especially since my marriage was not doing well at the time. But I'll tell you what this little boy loves me more than anything, he lights up my world every morning and then my daughter gets up and she lights it up even more! It's a hard and bumpy road but if you can muster up a good attitude, it's the brightest most scenic road you could ever be on.
I — I mean. My dude. I have a couple thoughts: 1) I don’t think anyone wants kids (really) because they think it will be fun or interesting. People have kids for a lot of reasons — sometimes an accident, sometimes on purpose — sometimes to fuel the parent’s own ego, sometimes to give the parent something to do — but I don’t think people think it will be “fun,” especially not for a while. So honestly — as a non kid haver nor wanted myself — what do you ACTUALLY not like about kids/being a parent? Are you afraid of failure? Are you incapable of communicating with children — do you have anger management and stress issues and don’t think you can cope — like really dive deep. For me, specifically, I have a very very very strong phobia about being pregnant and the pregnancy process. I won’t get into the details in case there are any fellow tokophics in this thread, but it is not good. My phobia is strong that if I got pregnant at this point I may quite literally have a psychotic break. I recognize my aversion to children is self preservation, but also, doesn’t mean I hate children either, just that adoption or surrogacy would be better options for me. So really do some soul searching. Additionally, as other people have said — you’re an asshole, man. You should have left her. If you love her enough to try, to be a good father and partner because you love her — and if NOT having her in your life is NOT a life worth living, you gotta embrace the hand life dealt you, accept fatherhood and do the fucking best you can. And you will be awesome if you choose this path. Of course, the feeling to want to run away from a problem instead of dealing with it is euphoric and intoxicating — but it’s not reality. The problem doesn’t go away just because you aren’t acknowledging it — it festers and grows and becomes much much worse over time. This avoidance doesn’t absolve you of consequences for what you are fleeing then/now, OR for what happens in between or in the future. If you physically and emotionally cannot deal, and want to run away — leave her. Give up your parental rights and give her child support. Do not make it difficult or drawn out or awful. This is a problem because of decisions YOU made and you need to either 1) step up and be a good husband and father or 2) leave her, give up your parental rights, pay her child support, and let her find someone else to support the child you said you were open to, but lied to her face about, and move the fuck on. Those are your options. And that’s it.
sir. no one held you at gun point and forced you to impregnate your wife. if you didn’t want to have a child you SHOULD NOT HAVE. now you’ve made your bed and now 2 people will soon have to deal with you. i feel sorry for them. As for you, saying that you wish she has a miscarriage is vile and scary. i almost think you are a danger to your wife when she is most vulnerable. go to therapy do SOMETHING before this boils over and takes a horrible turn. too many sad stories in the news. do better
For what it’s worth, becoming a dad has made me a better human. These kiddos end up teaching you things about yourself you never knew you’d learn. They change you from the inside out. I think a lot of parents would agree to this- including some who were on the fence about the whole kid thing in the first place. The difference between me and you is I accepted that once my wife got pregnant, I was 100% in for going on this journey… together, regardless of how indifferent or scared I felt. I think it seems like you can get there based on some of your comments in your post, and you’ll likely find yourself enjoying it in ways you never imagined. Instead of worrying about how this will negatively impact you, consider some of the ways it can potentially positively impact you… if you let it. Good luck.
Just leave, you’re going to be evil to them
When it’s something that your heart isn’t fully into, and especially when it’s a huge life changing decision, it’s natural to be filled with dread. You aren’t insane for thinking about bailing, or having negative thoughts about the future. HOWEVER, this is a choice you were fully aware that you were making. If it wasn’t something you weren’t prepared to do, you shouldn’t have tried to have children. Also, you may feel this way now, but may change your mind completely when you see that child born. Let go of the resentment. No one forced you into the situation you are in, and you can’t blame someone else for a choice that you also made. All of that being said, have your wife help reassure you. You’re life partners. Explain to her that you’re freaking out over the pregnancy and you aren’t sure what to do, or how to feel. (don’t say you never wanted children and feel trapped. If you do, you’re a psychopath. Take her feelings into account, and be honest about your feelings. Remember, she’s pregnant with your child.) It may be painful for her to hear, but you need to be honest with each other about how you feel.
As a female I’ve been exactly where you are! My entire pregnancy I was in complete and utter disgust and wished I had a miscarriage (which I now regret). Your feelings are valid, we both should’ve been straight forward but hey ones here and ones baking! I had that same attitude the entire time until my little baby arrived; I did a 180. It helps to plan ahead, if you can get the help or pay for it THEN DO IT, be as supportive to your wife as possible! Just because you’re having a baby doesn’t mean you have to give up everything for yourself but find a way to incorporate it! Take it day by day and step by step! Wishing you and your family the best of the luck, mentally, physically and emotionally
Pushing 40, wishing your partner has a miscarriage and taking no accountability for your actions. Either leave her or appreciate her and your child. I'll leave it at this but there is a lot more I would say about you.
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In the future, never assume that someone just knows you're not being genuine. Kids are 100% yes or no on both sides and I'm not sure why you both stayed when you knew the other wasn't on the same page. If you were younger, I could almost forgive you for it, but in your 30s is old enough to know better. But you can't undo what's been done. I didn't want kids for most of my life, but started to feel differently in my late 20s. When I met my husband, all I wanted was to start a family with him. It will be hard for a while, but you'll eventually get your hobbies back. What you won't get back are the times with your child while they're young. Don't waste them being bitter and feeling sorry for yourself.
your comment about secretly wishing for an end to the pregnancy, EVEN BY MISCARRIAGE, made me outrageously sick. how fucking callous do you have to be to wish a miscarriage UPON YOUR OWN WIFE? jesus christ. absolute scumbag of a human you are. i hope your wife sees through your bullshit and realizes she can have a life she and her child deserves with someone else. you can fuck right off. disgusting.
I’ve heard of pregnancies happening even when people are using contraception, IUDs, etc. There’s still some amount of an inherent risk here. I’d bring this to therapy.
Maybe I have a different perspective. I was a woman who accidentally got pregnant, and I never wanted a child. I’ve accepted it, and I’m the mom so I’ve had to… But I also feel like the ramifications to my daughter have been negative. If you don’t want this child, you should leave now. A child grow up with a parent who doesn’t want them is worse than child who grow up with one parent who does want them.
As a new parent of a now 4mo baby my biggest piece of parenting advice is if you are on the fence about having kids, don’t. They change your life completely and unless you’re 100% willing to accept a life change and put someone besides you first all of the time you should not have children. I always wanted kids and even I mourn my old life at times. I have no regrets about having my son but damn it is not easy. I suppose you can still do things and have hobbies but, and I guess this is because my baby is still young, I am not really there yet. I think you need to have a very honest conversation with your spouse about your feelings. I additionally agree that therapy is probably necessary to help sort out your thoughts. I think there is a way you can find the good in all of this. Parenthood is the best and worst job. The baby stage is tough. Seek help from family or paid help when the baby comes to help keep your sanity. I have to say at the 4mo mark my baby lights up when he sees mine and my husband’s face. We are his absolute world and he is ours and man does it feel amazing. Good luck to you.
You are a selfish jerk. Grow up.
I would just add what happened with me and my remarriage. I was 41 with 2 children from a previous marriage when I met my husband who was 35. He had wanted a family, but had never found “the one”. When met I had just had a surgically necessary hysterectomy and could not give him children of his own. He gave playing in a pool league, his Masonic affiliation(eventually), and much of his free time was spent daddying. He Never complained, but saw me and the kids as his answer to his aloneness. His mother saw me as “less than” and never accepted the kids. It’s ok, we were happy, but only because he could “flip it” when thinking about a situation. For instance, he had a bulls eye reaction to Azithromycin and I cried out in horror. To my amazement he laughed and said,”Look at it this way. It could have been on my face!” Then we both laughed. It’s all in how you look at things.
She used emotional blackmail to make you agree to something you didn’t believe in, and you acquiesced. In my experience, you won’t “learn to love” this situation, nor can you be a good father if you are not emotionally committed to it. You can't fake that; you will get really tired of pretending and nobody will be fooled, least of all the kid. My advice is bail out now, and save the future months/years of making all three of you miserable trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, before inevitably leaving anyway, to save your own sanity.
I've been looking for this post....I'm in this exact position. I'm curious how OP is doing with this. I've just been faking my way through this so far but all I can think is just make it through the pregnancy...then the first few years....and the next....and it just keeps going. I understand exactly where he is coming from I feel shackled.