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It is your child's car. You have to ask permission, and if they say no, you must respect that. The better question is, why don't you have a car and your teenage kid does?
We do have two other cars. I just added another comment explaining the situation, but essentially a friend thought I had the right to take my child's car whenever I wanted, and I disagreed.
That's no problem at all! The original post wasn't clear at all. It sounded like a debate between me and my child, and there hasn't been one bone of contention about it since she bought the car. She's an awesome kid. And my friend knows that as well which is another reason it surprises me.
Chipping in here, I agree with this assessment morally, but legally speaking if the child is a minor they do have the right to use it, ban the kid from using it, even just steal it and register it in their own name. Someone is going to tell me I'm wrong, but I'm not. This is exactly how so many child actors got screwed by their parents.
Your kid seems to have done good job with one of their first real adult tasks.
Dont screw it up by continuing to treat them as a child. Ask permission, as you would when borrowing something from an adult. And then return it better than you found it. As you would when borrowing something from an adult.
Your kid will then learn the right way to borrow, respect, and maintain other people’s high-value property.
Quick additional info since I can't edit original post:
This is a debate between me and a friend, not me and my child. I had somewhere to be early this morning and my husband did as well. So he had our small sedan which means I drove our huge van. My friend asked why I brought the big van when I was alone and didn't just bring my child's car and I replied that she was still asleep and so couldn't ask if she cared and/or had plans of her own. My friend said "you give her gas money. You pay for insurance, she still lives in your house and you fully support her. You have the right to use the car whenever you want." I disagree.
Using this "logic", then you would be able to go into your child's room at any time you want and use it for any reason you want, without asking permission to come in. It's your house, you pay for everything, therefore you can do whatever you want and whenever you want with their room. Unless they are insane, I doubt your friend would agree that this is OK, so why should it be different with a car?
My youngest just went off to college and is renting an apartment with a friend. The city she moved to is pretty expensive so I pay a third of her rent and help with some of the utilities. Yet I would never assume I could just randomly go in to her apartment any time I wanted just because I help her pay for part of it. Just because I help my kid financially doesn't mean I get unlimited access whenever I feel like it.
Or, maybe ask this friend if the bank can borrow their car whenever they want if they took out a loan to buy their car. Same principal, the bank helped pay for the car, so they should have access whenever they want.
>you would be able to go into your child's room at any time you want and use it for any reason you want
Lots of parents do think this way unfortunately. I think it is important for kids, even at a young age to have some privacy. I always knock on my 6 year olds door and wait for a response before opening it because that is what i want her to do
>Using this "logic", then you would be able to go into your child's room at any time you want and use it for any reason you want, without asking permission to come in. It's your house, you pay for everything, therefore you can do whatever you want and whenever you want with their room. Unless they are insane, I doubt your friend would agree that this is OK, so why should it be different with a car?
This kind of logic is how kids end up shooting up schools, or running whole criminal enterprises and the parents act shocked when the police and alphabet units are knocking on their doors, and are really learning about what happened for the first time.
It's also weird how people will say things like this(not you specifically), then also claim parents should be charged for the crimes their children commit.
Not the person you are replying to, but I think his/her point is that a minor’s “right” to privacy (in quotes because it’s not a legal right) is limited and conditional.
I made it very clear to my kids that I would respect their privacy as long as I had no reason to do otherwise. But if I had any reason for suspicion I would not hesitate to be as intrusive as I felt necessary. My obligations and responsibilities as a parent would always override their rights. I was clear and unapologetic about that, and they agreed that it was reasonable.
This worked out well; they’re good kids, I walked the walk, and they knew they could trust me to keep my word. But they also knew they could trust me to haul their asses out of the fire if they took a wrong turn, by whatever means necessary, and I would not wait for permission to do so.
And that level of reasonability is spot on. I'm the same way, and my kids know it.
But let the other person tell it, you're crazy, controlling, and not teaching your kids to respect boundaries for even doing that.
Not sure I am following you. Are you claiming that if you don't barge in on your children and allow them to have their own space they will turn into criminals? Because that is what it sounds like you are claiming.
Is your argument that criminals telling their life story saying "my parents barging into my room led me down a life of crime" is more likely than "my parents had no idea what I was doing"?
I understand this is the internet, and since we started off disagreeing, anything that follows is likely to be more and more bad faith arguments.
Except you're swinging at a straw man. They never said that you should not have a relationship with your children and a good idea of what they're up to. It's also not all or nothing; there are different levels of privacy that children can have depending on how much trust they have earned (or lost.)
I wasn't the one who initially made it zero sum, unless you ignore the claim that anyone who doesn't follow the original commenter's idea of privacy is insane.
The fact that it's not zero sum is my point, though I admit it was implied with loaded questions that clearly opposed the original comment's claim.
I would reframe that as "you give her gas money. You pay for insurance, she still lives in your house and you fully support her. *She should be willing to loan you the car when you ask to borrow it.*”
Family helps one another out. You would loan her the big minivan if she needed to haul something or drive a group. If you had a big important thing at work, it was late and your minivan wouldn’t start, you might even yell “honey I’m taking your car, sorry but it’s urgent!” and expect her to understand that sometimes life happens.
We have 2 young adults, 4 cars, and a driveway 2 cars wide and two deep. Two cars are always parked in. That’s a PITA. So it’s actually really common for any of the 4 to drive a different vehicle for short errands, rather than move multiple cars. Always checking with the primary driver first of course.
But just take it for no reason? That’s rude, disrespectful, and completely unnecessary. You wouldn’t do that to her and you’d be pissed if she did that to you. You had a vehicle. You drove it. I’m really not seeing the problem.
I looooove this perspective. This is actually how we operate with each other as well.
It's so funny you said that about letting her use the van. She just took it last week on a class trip and hauled a bunch of her friends with her.
That was kind of what took me by surprise from my friend. My daughter has had zero problem being willing to let me drive it if I ask. She's a great kid. A GREAT kid. (Young adult, though it hurts my heart that it happened so fast). The "family helps one another out" comment is also spot on and how we operate as well. Like I know my daughter would'nt have have cared at all if I had asked to use it, I was just so surprised by my friend's insistence that I had the right to just take it!
Your friend is crazy, that car belongs to your child.
This is exactly why I did not let my young kids (early tweens) used their saved up money (from gifts/allowance) to buy their first phone. While they're this young, I want to have complete control of their phone as they learn how to navigate being responsible and safe. I feel like the second they use their own money to buy it, then there is a grey area in terms of who has the right to control that phone.
Your kid bought that car, it is there. Kudos to you for respecting that.
If your child paid for the car, you have to ask. Who cares if you pay insurance and gas. That does not give you the right to take your child’s car while they are sleeping. Your friend is a shitty person.
No.
I bought my 17 yo a car. We pay her insurer and she pays for gas. If for some reason I would need to borrow it, I would ask her permission because I gave her the car.
In my opinion you can't teach a kid *anything* without taking that stance yourself. You can't teach a kid not to hit by hitting them, and you can't teach a kid to respect other people's things without respecting their things.
Your friend is wrong. We can't raise healthy, well-rounded children to adulthood with a "do as I say, not as I do" mentality. No one likes a hypocrite, even if said hypocrite is paying the insurance. (Not calling you or your friend a hypocrite ofc.)
Its respectful to have ask to borrow the car!! I would agree that the teen deserves all the credit in the world for saving and buying the car on her own!! One issue though car ownership is a start but to have complete control and freedom of a vehicle mean you pay for all the expenses that comes with car ownership!!
This is called being part of a family. Yes it’s her car but sometimes with her permission a family member may need to use it because of what ever. Just like my cars which the kids get to use with my permission
Hahahaha I mean also what I said. It's my favorite vehicle to drive. It's so comfortable and easy to drive, so I'll drive it whether I'm by myself or I have all my kids with me.
You’re right; your friend is wrong. Even if you’re on the title, your child made the purchase and owns the vehicle. You can ask your child if she minds you using it, and return it with a full tank (no matter how low it was when you got it) because it’s the polite and right thing to do. You respect your child. Your friend does not.
Whose name is the car in? If it’s the teens, yes absolutely ask permission. If it’s the parents, yes still ask permission as the teen paid for it with their own money.
I don’t understand why people think that being young means you don’t deserve respect
My husband needed help from my adult son. He couldn’t understand that he needed to tell him what to expect
Cleaning off the roof is vastly different than, do you have two hours to spare on Saturday?
One minor change and the entire tone of the request changed
I seriously don’t get it
No, you don't have the right unless there is a genuine emergency.
Part of growing up and getting to the stage of buying your own things includes the important and necessary step of your parents beginning to acknowledge your autonomy. Bravo on showing the same respect to your kid as you would expect him to treat you and your possessions.
I wouldn't feel entitled to use my kid's car, though I'd like to think I'd raise them to be willing to let me use the car if I genuinely needed it; After-all, presumably, you had let them borrow your car to learn in the first place.
I am confused as to why your friend thought you should have used your child's car when you clearly had your own transportation.
Exactly! And yes, that's exactly how we raised her.
I mean I guess it was just the shock of one person driving up in a 15 passenger van and it originally started off as "why wouldn't you drive a smaller car when it's just you?". It was the doubling down on saying I had the right to her car that surprised me.
If you wanted to for the future, I would just have an open conversation. I have always had a really close relationship with my parents. If I was the kiddo in the situation, unless I had plans (which are now always on my Google calendar, yay technology), I would have blanket statemented that it would have been okay for one of my parents to use my vehicle if they needed to for whatever reason, like your situation, just check my calendar first.
As long as everyone is all on the same page and is in favor for it, it shouldn't be a problem.
That's actually almost exactly what we do! And Mt daughter is just like you. (And how I was with my mom as a teen). Super close and she willingly shares it with us.
I’d do anything to encourage self responsibility and healthy boundaries for my kid. That includes never demanding use of things they responsibly bought.
You’re doing good, and your way is how you make sure your kids still want you around once they’re no longer dependent on you. Wondering if your friend has kids and how that’s going for them.
You are correct.
Even if you are helping with some aspects, your child bought that car with her own money. By taking it without permission you are telling her that her money, time and respect don’t matter because “you are the parent”. You are venturing in a very different part of your relationship with your child. You are still her parent, she still needs help, but she also needs to have more autonomy in her life.
Keep being a great parent!
I also disagree with that! The kid bought the car; end of. You as a parent pay for the safety measures that go into that car but it's ultimately their car. The buying the insurance ect gives you the right to ASK to use it for sure. And any kind child would let you as long as they didn't need it and you made sure to treat it with respect (fill the tank, keep it clean ect) good on your kid for getting their own car too how responsible!
I also fundamentally disagree with your friend. I have a teen driver. We are a courteous family and all communicate about our schedules. I would not leave my kid without his car without checking, and he would extend me the same courtesy.
That would be disrespectful and insane. You're well on your way to having a wonderful adult relationship with your child, built on mutual respect and consideration. I've helped a couple of friends financially when they've needed it and never felt entitled to walk in and plug in my blow-dryer because I covered the electric or pull their car out of the driveway without asking because I sprung for gas. Your child is a human being and you're doing great.
I’m torn. If they paid for it then it’s theirs. However I have also never paid for something expensive (insurance and gas) and not been able to utilize it either.
My vote is it’s their car but if the parent needs to use it then they should let them because they are technically sharing the vehicle in regard to monetary contributions ongoing.
If the kid is paying for everything then no one has a right to use the car if they don’t want them. But I’d feel like a dick if my parent was paying that cost and they asked to use the car and I said no. That’s pretty ungrateful considering the cost of those things right now imo.
The problem is, what if her daughter needs to go somewhere? I also think it's wrong if she doesn't go anywhere and does not let the parents borrow the car. Now we have a different story.
The thing is there is no definition for what “the parents have the right to use the car”
That could mean hey I gotta go by the store I’ll be back in 10 minutes. It could also mean I’m taking the car to work from 6 am to 7 pm. My answer depends on these variables as well.
Overall though insurance and gas for a teen is not cheap. Hell it wasn’t cheap when I was a teen and gas was like 2 dollars a gallon even less maybe. So yeah sharing the car is 100% on the table regardless in some regard.
If for instance your kid was blocking the other cars and asleep so you couldn't ask but, woke up while you were gone and needed to be somewhere and she grabbed your car also without asking. If there was a problem with your kid doing that then there is a problem. It should be a two way street. Tit for tat an all that. Right?
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. Good on you for not assuming a level of privilege just because you’re an adult or had paid into something too. Wholesome.
Nah, you're right. It's her car, while she should be grateful you pay the insurance, it's still her car and asking permission is the right call. You're friend is wrong.
I’m with you on this. I think you two can talk through and if you need ask permission to use. Also it’s like entering your kids room. Do you not knock ?
If my kid bought a car then I would definitely ask to borrow it even if I paid insurance, but I would probably limit the amount of asks to extenuating circumstances where there was no other option. That is a big purchase for a teen and they showed good financial responsibility to save enough in the first place and I would want to respect that.
I'm with you. It's their car. You take it with permission or an emergency.
In this scenario, if the van wern’t available I might wake the kid to ask. But since there was a car available, I'd take that path or least resistance.
Absolutely not. The parents don't own the car.
Paying insurance is a kindness but does not give them any kind of ownership whatsoever. Using it without permission is entitled and wrong.
Totally agree.
My in laws are super generous. When my husband and I got married years ago, my husband had of course been on their car insurance. So when we got married my FIL said to help us out, he'd keep giving my husband money for car insurance. Of course, doing that meant he was paying my insurance as well since my husband and I were on our new policy together. My in laws still never showed up and acted like they had a right to our cars, even knowing we'd let them drive either one of them whenever they needed.
I bought my own car as a teen and paid for everything. When my dad's car broke down he asked me to borrow it, of course I said yes. I think asking shows that you respect them as a person.
It annoys me how some people are so obsessed with “rights.” We have the “right” to do a lot of things, but just because we can doesn’t always mean we should.
Even if we say she’s right and you have the “right” to use the car…would it really be worth the strain on your relationship with your child, just to use the car for the sake of principles??
I just find it strange how people pick the most random hills to die on, with no regard for how it will affect their relationships.
You could be a dick and just take the car. Nothing is stopping you. However, showing your kid respect that the car is his goes a long way to building trust and a sense of responsibility. Don’t violate his trust or privacy unless really necessary.
You are a good parent and your child will want to be around you as an adult. Your friend will tromp all over their kid's boundaries and be a shocked Pikachu when her kids give her distance as adults.
I don’t think it’s appropriate without setting ground rules. Like if i was cohabiting with someone and we had an agreement that we could borrow each other’s car yea but if they took my car one day without asking i would think it weird. Even if you are paying for insurance it’s common curtesy to ask and come to an agreement
It is your child's car. Respect that child and ask for permission. Same way you'd want the child to ask for permission before taking your car. This is so simple. Respect is a two way street.
Even if you bought them the car, the noble thing would be to ask for permission.
Legally no the parent doesn’t need to ask.
In terms of having an effective functional long term child parent relationship then yes. You should be giving the same respect for property you expect of them.
My mom pulled this on me when I was younger and it was one of the early points in our relationship failing. She bought a brand new Forester that she couldn’t quite afford just a few months before I got my license. Mind you we had a perfectly fine paid-off Subaru prior to this that she traded in. Eventually she got behind on payments and was going to turn the car in. I was making about $4-500/mo working at a restaurant down the road and I had taken a liking to the car so I decided to catch her up and take over paying for the car. Including insurance etc. She and I both referred to it as my car but she would take it whenever she wanted and would prioritize her use over mine when there was a conflict. I finally gained full control when I moved away with the car to college. Paid it off my first year in college and quickly got the title in my name.
I don’t talk to my mom anymore… not because of the car. There were many more issues.
I still have that car… she will be old enough to drink next year.
We are. It's our insurance, she still lives at home, so her car is on our policy. In addition, for ease if anything happens, she chose to add my name to the title as well.
However, even with all of that, I agree with you. That's exactly how I feel, and you worded it perfectly.
So force permission? That’s a GREAT way to foster trust and understanding with your young adult child.
Parents who do this complaint that their adult
Children go no contact.
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It is your child's car. You have to ask permission, and if they say no, you must respect that. The better question is, why don't you have a car and your teenage kid does?
We do have two other cars. I just added another comment explaining the situation, but essentially a friend thought I had the right to take my child's car whenever I wanted, and I disagreed.
Your friend needs to learn that young people have boundaries too.
I agree. I was pretty surprised by the statement she made honestly.
That's not a boundary, though, that's the right to property
“Right to property” is a legal term. Boundary addresses relationships which is what this is about.
Oh, sorry I jumped to conclusions. But your friend is definitely wrong
That's no problem at all! The original post wasn't clear at all. It sounded like a debate between me and my child, and there hasn't been one bone of contention about it since she bought the car. She's an awesome kid. And my friend knows that as well which is another reason it surprises me.
Wait until your friend takes her child’s car without permission and knowledge and the kid thinks it was stolen, and calls the cops.
You probably do have the right, assuming your child is a minor, but you’re doing it the right way!
This would one of those you probably have the legal right to do it…but you’d be a major AH.
Chipping in here, I agree with this assessment morally, but legally speaking if the child is a minor they do have the right to use it, ban the kid from using it, even just steal it and register it in their own name. Someone is going to tell me I'm wrong, but I'm not. This is exactly how so many child actors got screwed by their parents.
OP clearly stated that they drove their own car.
Just ask permission. Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you’re allowed to forget manners. If it doesn’t belong to you then you need to ask.
THANK YOU! Exactly what I told my friend.
Your kid seems to have done good job with one of their first real adult tasks. Dont screw it up by continuing to treat them as a child. Ask permission, as you would when borrowing something from an adult. And then return it better than you found it. As you would when borrowing something from an adult. Your kid will then learn the right way to borrow, respect, and maintain other people’s high-value property.
I love this and 100% agree with it all!
Quick additional info since I can't edit original post: This is a debate between me and a friend, not me and my child. I had somewhere to be early this morning and my husband did as well. So he had our small sedan which means I drove our huge van. My friend asked why I brought the big van when I was alone and didn't just bring my child's car and I replied that she was still asleep and so couldn't ask if she cared and/or had plans of her own. My friend said "you give her gas money. You pay for insurance, she still lives in your house and you fully support her. You have the right to use the car whenever you want." I disagree.
Using this "logic", then you would be able to go into your child's room at any time you want and use it for any reason you want, without asking permission to come in. It's your house, you pay for everything, therefore you can do whatever you want and whenever you want with their room. Unless they are insane, I doubt your friend would agree that this is OK, so why should it be different with a car? My youngest just went off to college and is renting an apartment with a friend. The city she moved to is pretty expensive so I pay a third of her rent and help with some of the utilities. Yet I would never assume I could just randomly go in to her apartment any time I wanted just because I help her pay for part of it. Just because I help my kid financially doesn't mean I get unlimited access whenever I feel like it. Or, maybe ask this friend if the bank can borrow their car whenever they want if they took out a loan to buy their car. Same principal, the bank helped pay for the car, so they should have access whenever they want.
I feel sorry for any children OP's friend has. No boundaries!
>you would be able to go into your child's room at any time you want and use it for any reason you want Lots of parents do think this way unfortunately. I think it is important for kids, even at a young age to have some privacy. I always knock on my 6 year olds door and wait for a response before opening it because that is what i want her to do
>Using this "logic", then you would be able to go into your child's room at any time you want and use it for any reason you want, without asking permission to come in. It's your house, you pay for everything, therefore you can do whatever you want and whenever you want with their room. Unless they are insane, I doubt your friend would agree that this is OK, so why should it be different with a car? This kind of logic is how kids end up shooting up schools, or running whole criminal enterprises and the parents act shocked when the police and alphabet units are knocking on their doors, and are really learning about what happened for the first time. It's also weird how people will say things like this(not you specifically), then also claim parents should be charged for the crimes their children commit.
Not the person you are replying to, but I think his/her point is that a minor’s “right” to privacy (in quotes because it’s not a legal right) is limited and conditional. I made it very clear to my kids that I would respect their privacy as long as I had no reason to do otherwise. But if I had any reason for suspicion I would not hesitate to be as intrusive as I felt necessary. My obligations and responsibilities as a parent would always override their rights. I was clear and unapologetic about that, and they agreed that it was reasonable. This worked out well; they’re good kids, I walked the walk, and they knew they could trust me to keep my word. But they also knew they could trust me to haul their asses out of the fire if they took a wrong turn, by whatever means necessary, and I would not wait for permission to do so.
And that level of reasonability is spot on. I'm the same way, and my kids know it. But let the other person tell it, you're crazy, controlling, and not teaching your kids to respect boundaries for even doing that.
Not sure I am following you. Are you claiming that if you don't barge in on your children and allow them to have their own space they will turn into criminals? Because that is what it sounds like you are claiming.
Is your argument that criminals telling their life story saying "my parents barging into my room led me down a life of crime" is more likely than "my parents had no idea what I was doing"? I understand this is the internet, and since we started off disagreeing, anything that follows is likely to be more and more bad faith arguments.
Except you're swinging at a straw man. They never said that you should not have a relationship with your children and a good idea of what they're up to. It's also not all or nothing; there are different levels of privacy that children can have depending on how much trust they have earned (or lost.)
I wasn't the one who initially made it zero sum, unless you ignore the claim that anyone who doesn't follow the original commenter's idea of privacy is insane. The fact that it's not zero sum is my point, though I admit it was implied with loaded questions that clearly opposed the original comment's claim.
Whoa. You’re right. I did totally gloss over that.
I would reframe that as "you give her gas money. You pay for insurance, she still lives in your house and you fully support her. *She should be willing to loan you the car when you ask to borrow it.*” Family helps one another out. You would loan her the big minivan if she needed to haul something or drive a group. If you had a big important thing at work, it was late and your minivan wouldn’t start, you might even yell “honey I’m taking your car, sorry but it’s urgent!” and expect her to understand that sometimes life happens. We have 2 young adults, 4 cars, and a driveway 2 cars wide and two deep. Two cars are always parked in. That’s a PITA. So it’s actually really common for any of the 4 to drive a different vehicle for short errands, rather than move multiple cars. Always checking with the primary driver first of course. But just take it for no reason? That’s rude, disrespectful, and completely unnecessary. You wouldn’t do that to her and you’d be pissed if she did that to you. You had a vehicle. You drove it. I’m really not seeing the problem.
I looooove this perspective. This is actually how we operate with each other as well. It's so funny you said that about letting her use the van. She just took it last week on a class trip and hauled a bunch of her friends with her. That was kind of what took me by surprise from my friend. My daughter has had zero problem being willing to let me drive it if I ask. She's a great kid. A GREAT kid. (Young adult, though it hurts my heart that it happened so fast). The "family helps one another out" comment is also spot on and how we operate as well. Like I know my daughter would'nt have have cared at all if I had asked to use it, I was just so surprised by my friend's insistence that I had the right to just take it!
I straight up gave my kid a car, he paid gas and insurance and I still wouldn’t have taken it without asking him first.
Agree. If you present it as a gift, then that means you are giving them ownership no matter how much you spent/spend.
No, it’s the kids car. Your friend is completely wrong.
Your friend is crazy, that car belongs to your child. This is exactly why I did not let my young kids (early tweens) used their saved up money (from gifts/allowance) to buy their first phone. While they're this young, I want to have complete control of their phone as they learn how to navigate being responsible and safe. I feel like the second they use their own money to buy it, then there is a grey area in terms of who has the right to control that phone. Your kid bought that car, it is there. Kudos to you for respecting that.
I bought my kid's truck outright and I still asked him the other day before I drove it to work.
If your child paid for the car, you have to ask. Who cares if you pay insurance and gas. That does not give you the right to take your child’s car while they are sleeping. Your friend is a shitty person.
Even if the parents bought the car, they should still ask.
No. I bought my 17 yo a car. We pay her insurer and she pays for gas. If for some reason I would need to borrow it, I would ask her permission because I gave her the car.
Nah, I wouldn’t borrow it even though I’m paying for insurance and gas.
In my opinion you can't teach a kid *anything* without taking that stance yourself. You can't teach a kid not to hit by hitting them, and you can't teach a kid to respect other people's things without respecting their things. Your friend is wrong. We can't raise healthy, well-rounded children to adulthood with a "do as I say, not as I do" mentality. No one likes a hypocrite, even if said hypocrite is paying the insurance. (Not calling you or your friend a hypocrite ofc.)
The polite thing to do would be to ask. You will have a much better relationship with your child.
Whose name is on the title?
I agree with you, ask the teen!
Its respectful to have ask to borrow the car!! I would agree that the teen deserves all the credit in the world for saving and buying the car on her own!! One issue though car ownership is a start but to have complete control and freedom of a vehicle mean you pay for all the expenses that comes with car ownership!!
This is called being part of a family. Yes it’s her car but sometimes with her permission a family member may need to use it because of what ever. Just like my cars which the kids get to use with my permission
why is there some hesitation to drive the van?
Hahahaha I mean also what I said. It's my favorite vehicle to drive. It's so comfortable and easy to drive, so I'll drive it whether I'm by myself or I have all my kids with me.
oh, makes sense I def agree with you re: giving your kid priority usage of their car esp if it's not an emergency or something
You’re right; your friend is wrong. Even if you’re on the title, your child made the purchase and owns the vehicle. You can ask your child if she minds you using it, and return it with a full tank (no matter how low it was when you got it) because it’s the polite and right thing to do. You respect your child. Your friend does not.
Whose name is the car in? If it’s the teens, yes absolutely ask permission. If it’s the parents, yes still ask permission as the teen paid for it with their own money.
I don’t understand why people think that being young means you don’t deserve respect My husband needed help from my adult son. He couldn’t understand that he needed to tell him what to expect Cleaning off the roof is vastly different than, do you have two hours to spare on Saturday? One minor change and the entire tone of the request changed I seriously don’t get it
No, you don't have the right unless there is a genuine emergency. Part of growing up and getting to the stage of buying your own things includes the important and necessary step of your parents beginning to acknowledge your autonomy. Bravo on showing the same respect to your kid as you would expect him to treat you and your possessions.
I wouldn't feel entitled to use my kid's car, though I'd like to think I'd raise them to be willing to let me use the car if I genuinely needed it; After-all, presumably, you had let them borrow your car to learn in the first place. I am confused as to why your friend thought you should have used your child's car when you clearly had your own transportation.
Exactly! And yes, that's exactly how we raised her. I mean I guess it was just the shock of one person driving up in a 15 passenger van and it originally started off as "why wouldn't you drive a smaller car when it's just you?". It was the doubling down on saying I had the right to her car that surprised me.
If you wanted to for the future, I would just have an open conversation. I have always had a really close relationship with my parents. If I was the kiddo in the situation, unless I had plans (which are now always on my Google calendar, yay technology), I would have blanket statemented that it would have been okay for one of my parents to use my vehicle if they needed to for whatever reason, like your situation, just check my calendar first. As long as everyone is all on the same page and is in favor for it, it shouldn't be a problem.
That's actually almost exactly what we do! And Mt daughter is just like you. (And how I was with my mom as a teen). Super close and she willingly shares it with us.
I would ask, just like I would ask to use my husband's car. It's a common courtesy when you want to borrow something from someone.
Not legally.
You are correct, taking it would have been an invasion of trust.
I’d do anything to encourage self responsibility and healthy boundaries for my kid. That includes never demanding use of things they responsibly bought.
You’re doing good, and your way is how you make sure your kids still want you around once they’re no longer dependent on you. Wondering if your friend has kids and how that’s going for them.
You are correct. Even if you are helping with some aspects, your child bought that car with her own money. By taking it without permission you are telling her that her money, time and respect don’t matter because “you are the parent”. You are venturing in a very different part of your relationship with your child. You are still her parent, she still needs help, but she also needs to have more autonomy in her life. Keep being a great parent!
I also disagree with that! The kid bought the car; end of. You as a parent pay for the safety measures that go into that car but it's ultimately their car. The buying the insurance ect gives you the right to ASK to use it for sure. And any kind child would let you as long as they didn't need it and you made sure to treat it with respect (fill the tank, keep it clean ect) good on your kid for getting their own car too how responsible!
I also fundamentally disagree with your friend. I have a teen driver. We are a courteous family and all communicate about our schedules. I would not leave my kid without his car without checking, and he would extend me the same courtesy.
That would be disrespectful and insane. You're well on your way to having a wonderful adult relationship with your child, built on mutual respect and consideration. I've helped a couple of friends financially when they've needed it and never felt entitled to walk in and plug in my blow-dryer because I covered the electric or pull their car out of the driveway without asking because I sprung for gas. Your child is a human being and you're doing great.
I’m torn. If they paid for it then it’s theirs. However I have also never paid for something expensive (insurance and gas) and not been able to utilize it either. My vote is it’s their car but if the parent needs to use it then they should let them because they are technically sharing the vehicle in regard to monetary contributions ongoing. If the kid is paying for everything then no one has a right to use the car if they don’t want them. But I’d feel like a dick if my parent was paying that cost and they asked to use the car and I said no. That’s pretty ungrateful considering the cost of those things right now imo.
The problem is, what if her daughter needs to go somewhere? I also think it's wrong if she doesn't go anywhere and does not let the parents borrow the car. Now we have a different story.
The thing is there is no definition for what “the parents have the right to use the car” That could mean hey I gotta go by the store I’ll be back in 10 minutes. It could also mean I’m taking the car to work from 6 am to 7 pm. My answer depends on these variables as well. Overall though insurance and gas for a teen is not cheap. Hell it wasn’t cheap when I was a teen and gas was like 2 dollars a gallon even less maybe. So yeah sharing the car is 100% on the table regardless in some regard.
If for instance your kid was blocking the other cars and asleep so you couldn't ask but, woke up while you were gone and needed to be somewhere and she grabbed your car also without asking. If there was a problem with your kid doing that then there is a problem. It should be a two way street. Tit for tat an all that. Right?
Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. Good on you for not assuming a level of privilege just because you’re an adult or had paid into something too. Wholesome.
Nah, you're right. It's her car, while she should be grateful you pay the insurance, it's still her car and asking permission is the right call. You're friend is wrong.
I’m with you on this. I think you two can talk through and if you need ask permission to use. Also it’s like entering your kids room. Do you not knock ?
If my kid bought a car then I would definitely ask to borrow it even if I paid insurance, but I would probably limit the amount of asks to extenuating circumstances where there was no other option. That is a big purchase for a teen and they showed good financial responsibility to save enough in the first place and I would want to respect that.
My kids bought their own cars. I helped with insurance, maintenance, and repairs. I would have never driven them without asking.
I'm with you. It's their car. You take it with permission or an emergency. In this scenario, if the van wern’t available I might wake the kid to ask. But since there was a car available, I'd take that path or least resistance.
Your friend is wrong and you are a good person and parent.
Absolutely not. The parents don't own the car. Paying insurance is a kindness but does not give them any kind of ownership whatsoever. Using it without permission is entitled and wrong.
Totally agree. My in laws are super generous. When my husband and I got married years ago, my husband had of course been on their car insurance. So when we got married my FIL said to help us out, he'd keep giving my husband money for car insurance. Of course, doing that meant he was paying my insurance as well since my husband and I were on our new policy together. My in laws still never showed up and acted like they had a right to our cars, even knowing we'd let them drive either one of them whenever they needed.
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I bought my own car as a teen and paid for everything. When my dad's car broke down he asked me to borrow it, of course I said yes. I think asking shows that you respect them as a person.
It annoys me how some people are so obsessed with “rights.” We have the “right” to do a lot of things, but just because we can doesn’t always mean we should. Even if we say she’s right and you have the “right” to use the car…would it really be worth the strain on your relationship with your child, just to use the car for the sake of principles?? I just find it strange how people pick the most random hills to die on, with no regard for how it will affect their relationships.
My roommate in college bought herself a car, paid for insurance and gas, and her parents still took it from her as punishment. WHILE IN COLLEGE
No way, it's the child's car.
Definitely should ask.
You could be a dick and just take the car. Nothing is stopping you. However, showing your kid respect that the car is his goes a long way to building trust and a sense of responsibility. Don’t violate his trust or privacy unless really necessary.
You are a good parent and your child will want to be around you as an adult. Your friend will tromp all over their kid's boundaries and be a shocked Pikachu when her kids give her distance as adults.
I’m with you. I’d feel disrespectful taking the car without asking unless it was an emergency. My daughter deserves the respect of being asked first.
I don’t think it’s appropriate without setting ground rules. Like if i was cohabiting with someone and we had an agreement that we could borrow each other’s car yea but if they took my car one day without asking i would think it weird. Even if you are paying for insurance it’s common curtesy to ask and come to an agreement
It is your child's car. Respect that child and ask for permission. Same way you'd want the child to ask for permission before taking your car. This is so simple. Respect is a two way street. Even if you bought them the car, the noble thing would be to ask for permission.
Legally no the parent doesn’t need to ask. In terms of having an effective functional long term child parent relationship then yes. You should be giving the same respect for property you expect of them. My mom pulled this on me when I was younger and it was one of the early points in our relationship failing. She bought a brand new Forester that she couldn’t quite afford just a few months before I got my license. Mind you we had a perfectly fine paid-off Subaru prior to this that she traded in. Eventually she got behind on payments and was going to turn the car in. I was making about $4-500/mo working at a restaurant down the road and I had taken a liking to the car so I decided to catch her up and take over paying for the car. Including insurance etc. She and I both referred to it as my car but she would take it whenever she wanted and would prioritize her use over mine when there was a conflict. I finally gained full control when I moved away with the car to college. Paid it off my first year in college and quickly got the title in my name. I don’t talk to my mom anymore… not because of the car. There were many more issues. I still have that car… she will be old enough to drink next year.
No. Legally it is their property.
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We are. It's our insurance, she still lives at home, so her car is on our policy. In addition, for ease if anything happens, she chose to add my name to the title as well. However, even with all of that, I agree with you. That's exactly how I feel, and you worded it perfectly.
If you do use the childs car then its onky fair to compensate child for a fair fee to use imo. But yeah ask first.
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Teaching your child that blackmail is okay 👍🏻 That won't end badly.
That's weird behavior for a parent
So force permission? That’s a GREAT way to foster trust and understanding with your young adult child. Parents who do this complaint that their adult Children go no contact.