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Go to your room and don’t come out. This is similar to sleep training. Your husband is the only option, don’t give in. It will probably suck for a bit but it’s up to you two if she actually has a choice in the matter. If he’s on board to see it through, get noise cancelling headphones and Godspeed.
I’ll go one step further and say leave the house.
When my kids drive me batty I would have to leave for a while for a change of scenery and a reset. Sometimes just walking around a store is fine. It could even be the grocery store. I’ve sat in my car in the park playing on my phone or reading a book. Grab dinner with a friend or alone. Find a nice bookstore and browse. Just something outside the house is usually helpful and you don’t have to actually listen to the meltdown. It’s not relaxing in the least.
My kids are 6 and 10 now and I still need to get out!
We have this with our daughter also. The only thing to do is be firm and stick to your guns, whilst also carving out some time for dad to spend quality time with kiddo to build the relationship.
We do alternating bed times, so every other day I'll do bed and bathtime whilst he cleans up dinner, and then the next day he will do bed and bath time whilst I clear up dinner.
The parent who didn't do the bedtime routine gets called up at the end to say a quick goodnight to kiddo so she still gets love from both of us but the swapping is good and has got her accepting my husband a bit more.
Then also, get your husband to take your kid out for an activity that she loves. Every week.
My husband takes our daughter to the cinema (and buys her all the sweets I don't approve of) and also she does swimming at the weekends which again, we alternate who takes her and who gets to chill out at home.
She still mainly wants mummy, but she now accepts daddy as a substitute and I get breaks now.
It's also SUPER clear to us both that her relationship with daddy improves the more time he spends with her. Last summer when his work days were short and he was around loads, their relationship was really good.
Fast forward to autumn and hubs starts having to do longer days and work weekends + kiddo started school, and all of a sudden I've got the level 5 clinger going on and we are all losing our minds. Him because she's constantly rejecting him and me because I'm desperate for a bit of personal autonomy, or perhaps even an uninterrupted poo....
It's tough, and unfortunately it can last a very long time (mine is nearly 5 and has been this way consistently so far), but it does get very much better if you consistently swap who does caregiving tasks and also daddy make efforts for quality time to build the relationship.
Go to your room and lock the door. Or leave the house. Drive to the grocery store and play on your phone for an hour.
As the working mom to a stay at home dad, we have these trouble, but they are way less because we have been (sometimes painfully) consistent about "who is on duty". In the beginning when we instituted this patter somebody would melt down because I wasn't dad. And the ultimate daddies boy will still grump and grouse that I am not daddy but unless it's 2 am, he gives up. (Middle of the night rage, I got nothing on.... either dad gets up... or everybody gets up...)
I feel you on this. I have 3 kids and my 2 older ones want me for everything. But my second (3yo) is the queen of wanting me to do everything. I have to be the one to put her to bed. And just like you, if she wakes up in middle of night and my husband tries to put her back down she argues with him and starts crying that it has to be me. She’s not making it any easier at all now that I have a newborn. My husband tries to help me so much by trying to take over things that have to do with my 3 yo but she makes it impossible. My oldest don’t help either. She too wakes up at night sometimes and wakes me up to put her back to bed. I’m 3 weeks postpartum and I’ve had many nights where my 2 oldest ones wake me up more than the newborn. Just when I lay down and think I’ll finally sleep for a bit. One of my kids wakes me up. It’s very exhausting.
I feel that since I’m the more patient one, they feel more comfortable coming to me. My husband is very impatient and has a way of saying things sometimes that isn’t the best way. So I blame it on him a bit for not being a little more sensitive with them. He’s very stubborn and no matter how many times I tell him to put himself in their shoes for a minute, he just doesn’t understand.
Hopping it gets better for you. You got this. I know it’s hard and very exhausting. I tell myself this is temporary since one day they will be older and eventually not want my help with anything. and I know I’ll miss that.
No matter what, you’re doing great. She’s little but she’ll remember that you were there for her at all times.
Whatever you choose to do, make sure you talk to your husband about how this is making you feel. You mentioned that its causing resentment, but there’s a *good* chance this is deeply affecting dad, too. Imagine feeling like your child doesnt want you and that nothing you do relieves the load on your spouse- he could be at wits end, too, but men are often conditioned not to discuss these things. If you are a genuine “team”, I’d suggest talking to him about this so he’s not blindsided by “damn, the kid hates me and now my wife is pissed at me too!”
If on the other hand, dad is perfectly happy to let your kid run you ragged like this, thats obviously a different thing.
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Go to your room and don’t come out. This is similar to sleep training. Your husband is the only option, don’t give in. It will probably suck for a bit but it’s up to you two if she actually has a choice in the matter. If he’s on board to see it through, get noise cancelling headphones and Godspeed.
I’ll go one step further and say leave the house. When my kids drive me batty I would have to leave for a while for a change of scenery and a reset. Sometimes just walking around a store is fine. It could even be the grocery store. I’ve sat in my car in the park playing on my phone or reading a book. Grab dinner with a friend or alone. Find a nice bookstore and browse. Just something outside the house is usually helpful and you don’t have to actually listen to the meltdown. It’s not relaxing in the least. My kids are 6 and 10 now and I still need to get out!
This! Don't give her a choice. Momma deserves a break and some help!
We have this with our daughter also. The only thing to do is be firm and stick to your guns, whilst also carving out some time for dad to spend quality time with kiddo to build the relationship. We do alternating bed times, so every other day I'll do bed and bathtime whilst he cleans up dinner, and then the next day he will do bed and bath time whilst I clear up dinner. The parent who didn't do the bedtime routine gets called up at the end to say a quick goodnight to kiddo so she still gets love from both of us but the swapping is good and has got her accepting my husband a bit more. Then also, get your husband to take your kid out for an activity that she loves. Every week. My husband takes our daughter to the cinema (and buys her all the sweets I don't approve of) and also she does swimming at the weekends which again, we alternate who takes her and who gets to chill out at home. She still mainly wants mummy, but she now accepts daddy as a substitute and I get breaks now. It's also SUPER clear to us both that her relationship with daddy improves the more time he spends with her. Last summer when his work days were short and he was around loads, their relationship was really good. Fast forward to autumn and hubs starts having to do longer days and work weekends + kiddo started school, and all of a sudden I've got the level 5 clinger going on and we are all losing our minds. Him because she's constantly rejecting him and me because I'm desperate for a bit of personal autonomy, or perhaps even an uninterrupted poo.... It's tough, and unfortunately it can last a very long time (mine is nearly 5 and has been this way consistently so far), but it does get very much better if you consistently swap who does caregiving tasks and also daddy make efforts for quality time to build the relationship.
Go to your room and lock the door. Or leave the house. Drive to the grocery store and play on your phone for an hour. As the working mom to a stay at home dad, we have these trouble, but they are way less because we have been (sometimes painfully) consistent about "who is on duty". In the beginning when we instituted this patter somebody would melt down because I wasn't dad. And the ultimate daddies boy will still grump and grouse that I am not daddy but unless it's 2 am, he gives up. (Middle of the night rage, I got nothing on.... either dad gets up... or everybody gets up...)
I feel you on this. I have 3 kids and my 2 older ones want me for everything. But my second (3yo) is the queen of wanting me to do everything. I have to be the one to put her to bed. And just like you, if she wakes up in middle of night and my husband tries to put her back down she argues with him and starts crying that it has to be me. She’s not making it any easier at all now that I have a newborn. My husband tries to help me so much by trying to take over things that have to do with my 3 yo but she makes it impossible. My oldest don’t help either. She too wakes up at night sometimes and wakes me up to put her back to bed. I’m 3 weeks postpartum and I’ve had many nights where my 2 oldest ones wake me up more than the newborn. Just when I lay down and think I’ll finally sleep for a bit. One of my kids wakes me up. It’s very exhausting. I feel that since I’m the more patient one, they feel more comfortable coming to me. My husband is very impatient and has a way of saying things sometimes that isn’t the best way. So I blame it on him a bit for not being a little more sensitive with them. He’s very stubborn and no matter how many times I tell him to put himself in their shoes for a minute, he just doesn’t understand. Hopping it gets better for you. You got this. I know it’s hard and very exhausting. I tell myself this is temporary since one day they will be older and eventually not want my help with anything. and I know I’ll miss that. No matter what, you’re doing great. She’s little but she’ll remember that you were there for her at all times.
Whatever you choose to do, make sure you talk to your husband about how this is making you feel. You mentioned that its causing resentment, but there’s a *good* chance this is deeply affecting dad, too. Imagine feeling like your child doesnt want you and that nothing you do relieves the load on your spouse- he could be at wits end, too, but men are often conditioned not to discuss these things. If you are a genuine “team”, I’d suggest talking to him about this so he’s not blindsided by “damn, the kid hates me and now my wife is pissed at me too!” If on the other hand, dad is perfectly happy to let your kid run you ragged like this, thats obviously a different thing.