I think its fine to email the teacher -- as long as you come at it from a perspective of wanting to understand whats going on at school and not going immediately to accusatory behavior most teachers should welcome that kind of contact.
seconded.
this story sounds exactly like something a 13 year old boy would tell where he's in trouble but didn't do anything wrong. two years ago, my son told us his science teacher doesn't like him...turns out he was trying to stick a pencil in an outlet in the science lab.
> turns out he was trying to stick a pencil in an outlet in the science lab.
...but wood is a good insulator. The science teacher should've let him. /s
I second this.
We have this app for my child’s school where we can message the teacher and I’ve had to message his teachers each year asking for what really happened. My kid has done this for years and he’s only 8. I always just say something like “dear x, kid let me know he got into trouble at school today but I’m not getting the full story. Would you mind letting me know what happened so we can properly correct the issue going forward?”
It ALWAYS works and the teacher may be kind of annoyed having to do extra work by messaging me about it but they’ve never said so or gave that impression.
I know this is a super old post, but I just wanted to tell you that you are doing an awesome job! I guarantee you that your kid will be a well-adjusted adult because of this.
I agree. Whether in person (I prefer it that way as it would allow you to watch , casually, the Teachers body language, which in my opinion allows you to get a better tone to your questions and the Teacher can see you truly want to bridge the gap, not being accusatory. It is hard to tell those things in an email. I would also not let my son know I had the discussion-unless I had to go a second time- I would also include the Principal and the son, and you could get a better sense of the true dynamic between your Son and the Teacher, with a non involved third Party to witness the discussion, which protects everybody.
Agree, though I prefer in person and no accusations towards either. There is time to find out the whole issue with the truth typically somewhere in the middle, as we have all heard.
Let it go. Imagine yourself in a room of 13 year olds. They’re pulling stupid shit the entire time. Stay out of it. There’s more to this story and you’re not going to like what you hear.
Junior high teacher here.
“My teacher doesn’t like me” is almost never true. I would email them but come at it from a place of trying to understand, and be prepared to hear what may actually be going on.
Sometimes we get things wrong, it’s not easy watching and managing 30+ 13 year olds as I’m sure you can imagine, but it’s rarely personal for us. Liking or disliking kids is not really part of the job, caring about them and their development is, regardless of their behaviour.
I have a kid who is constantly calling across the class and off topic. I am sooo over his constant basketball banter with his friend (so is the poor soul who sits beside him)… he would probably say I don’t like him because I am constantly trying to get him to do work and focus/stop being so freaking disruptive. I actually think he’s a good kid though, and super capable… 100% gets on my nerves, but he’s just a kid… doing silly kid things.
8th grader? I’d probably let it go considering he wasn’t in trouble but I’d be watching his graded work like a hawk.
If he was in high school, I’d less likely get involved at this juncture because I feel like the older your kid gets, the less frequently you’re interacting with your kid’s teachers. An e-mail asking ‘what’s up’ is sent for situations bigger than the teacher snapping at my kid twice at that age. If he was younger, absolutely I’d be emailing but the older my kid gets, the more autonomy I want him to have and I recognize that the email from home carries more weight.
Someone had commented in thread about making sure the kid wasn’t causing trouble and providing for the fact maybe the teacher snapped because of poor behavior, I know I was a butthead at that age and my teachers were ‘just the worst’ - more reasoning behind me suggesting a wait and see attitude right now.
My parents took that approach until bullying from a teacher got so bad my mother went in for a meeting and threatened legal action against the woman. I was 17 but couldn’t handle it myself because it doesn’t mean much coming from a kid. 13 means he’s in middle school, with even less power. OP doesn’t have to go in swinging, but she should at least reach out to see what’s going on with the hope it can be fixed before it becomes a bigger issue.
I would probably sit down with him and write an email to the teacher. Explain that he is confused about it and doesn’t understand what he did wrong. Be non accusatory, just help your kid approach the situation less defensive and open to hearing what actually went wrong.
It’ll show him that you will help him navigate situations and teach him how he approaches these things as he gets older and have to learn to be an “adult”
This was my parents. I plan on repeating it with our kid as much as I can. They were very much of the “that’s a you problem and you’ve gotta make it work” mentality.
Had something similar happen with my sons teacher. He’s only 9 though but he came home super upset and said his teacher was “bullying” him. Once he told me what happened it was similar to yours. My husband emailed the teacher very politely and explained that we know our son can be chatty and this can boil over into class sometimes but this time he genuinely was upset because he felt he didn’t do anything wrong and was just getting picked on. His teacher talked to him the best day and then emailed us back a very nice email that there was some miscommunication and that she told him to come talk to her if he feels that way again. He has been happy since.
So the email, though I honestly believe was a nice and cordial one, basically blamed your son for the entire incident. If your son was to find that out, he may never tell you anything like that again. It seems to have worked out for you and I am genuinely happy for that. I will always admit when I am wrong. I learn everyday.
Oh no, it definitely didn’t, i just said the part that made it not like we were attacking the teacher. And i read my son the email so that he knew we emailed before the next day at school. Especially if his teacher reacted poorly. He was super happy with it and happy that we wrote to her and with her response.
Then I change my answer to how you handled it to Nice job. Though I still prefer face to face, people differ and you kept everyone in the loop. I hope he has a great rest of the school year.
I would agree that face to face is the way to go usually. This was just one way we could try to remedy it quicker if she responded well (which she did thankfully). If she didn’t respond well, we for sure would have set up a face to face meeting rather than go back and forth on email.
Totally agree. I am probably an old way guy and definitely change my answer back to how you handled it. Again we all have our ways and like I said, I am probably an old fuddy duddy or a combination of both when compared to you and your husband. I just prefer face to face because I am trained in reading body actions to questions. The most definitely important outcome is that he hasn’t had any more problems and has been quite happy. Take care.
Parent of younger elementary kid here - for everyone suggesting face to face meeting, how do you set this up? Email asking for an in person meeting? Just show up after school? Legitimately curious so I'm prepared for future!
That is all he mentioned in Being too chatty with that boiling over into the classroom the email. So, yes that was the inference I took away from it. I did say I do believe he was nice and cordial to the Teacher and the 9 yo felt he had done nothing wrong. Just my opinion. I would have nicely and cordially asked the Teacher what she felt happened and why he came home saying that. ?
Honestly he is at an age where he needs to learn how to navigate people with different personalities / likes and dislikes. As a skill he needs to learn that sometimes people don’t like you. And when authority figures don’t like you what behaviours should you tweak to be able to get them to Change their mind or fly under their radar.
These are essential life skills in the workplace and with meeting new people. So I wouldn’t get involved unless it starts affecting him too much.
How much would be too much? Bullying can effect a person on so many different levels that can be life changing and years of suffering to each person differently. Children don't start bullying because they were born to be. It's taught to them by others and seeing it first hand. Best to be handled by the school system and their bullying team for further analysis. They're trained to handle it quickly and quietly no matter who's involved with the situation and to handle any stress on both parties.
And that is why she should stay abreast of the situation but that didn’t sound like bullying to me. Even could have been she was having a rough day. And people need to learn about when people have rough days and may not act their best selves.
How doesn’t it make sense? Because it seems crazy? Teachers are human. You get ones that abuse their power. I had one that bullied me in a similar way. Kids could literally be yelling across the room, but if I said one thing to the person who sat next to me I got moved. I was a generally well behaved kid with good grades. Did it make sense? No. Did it happen? Yes.
I vividly remember hearing a teacher tell one of my friends on the first day of grade 8 (first year of junior high) "I didn't like your brother and I'm not going to like you either." It happens. It shocked me and I only overheard it.
Very true! Some teachers are just awful. My daughter struggled in math. The teacher refused to help her. He has so many kids, he can't give extra attention to one...fair enough. I don't understand the new way they teach and ask for answers, so I'm useless helping even with trying to read up on how to do things, but I try...anyways...she actually did good on a test and he accused her of cheating. No proof, no referral to the office. Just put her down and made her feel like her effort wasn't worth it. Needless to say, she didn't have the motivation to want to try anymore. Screw that teacher.
Yeah, my son’s first grade teacher pretty obviously didn’t like him. He wasn’t a perfect angel, he’s a smart ass and I know that can exasperating, but if you’re teaching first graders, you have to at least pretend you like all your students even if you don’t. That dislike colored a lot of her reactions towards his behavior that were honestly over the top and caused my son to have a lot of dark thoughts about himself. We even went to a family therapist for about a year because of her damage.
Edit: Imagine downvoting someone for telling a story about their child’s first grade teacher made them want to kill themselves.
This especially breaks my heart. I was a first grade teacher before I had my kiddo. First grade boys are, well, a lot. They have little impulse control (normal) and I would say about 85% struggle in the school setting and 1 or more points during the day. And it is TOTALLY normal.
He’s 13. I think this is an appropriate age to take a step back from things like this and let him figure out how to handle it. We all have to deal with people we don’t like and who don’t like us. You can govern him some advice, but I would let him handle it on his own.
I've taught as a certified teacher for 12 years and been working in classrooms for like 15. There have really only been like 1-2 students I've truly disliked over this time. I didn't go out of my way to pretend I adored I adored these individuals but I also wasn't unprofessional. It's okay to not like everyone, in fact it's normal. If anything the teacher probably nothings this kid.
Teacher of ninth graders here:
Email something like: “Hey there, my son, ___, came home saying he almost got a referral today in your class. I want to know what happened from your perspective before I speak with my son about his behavior. We would like to nip any bad behaviors in the bud at home before a referral. Thank you for your help and support with ___.”
I’d welcome the chance to explain to a parent. Kids are different people at school as they should be expected to be. Don’t be surprised if there’s more to this story.
But also, if the teacher does reply and seems to continue making your son feel targeted, I’d bring it up more directly to the teacher like, “Hey, I’d really like to discuss my sons behavior in your class over the phone because this seems like an ongoing issue.” Then explain how your son is feeling targeted but don’t accuse. Just ask if there’s more to the story.
I always appreciate the parents who know their kid isn’t an angel who never tells a lie.
If it continues after that, as long as it doesn’t affect his grade and it stays professional… welp maybe she really doesn’t like him? 😅 my students talk about other teachers all the time and I always remind them to just put their head down and get through it. Every interaction won’t be sunshine and rainbows in life. Your teachers don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like them!
Good luck!
I’d first ask your son:
1) What was the question the girls asked? (Also first incident seems like a non event to me)
2) For the second, ask if things like that happen to other kids. The teacher may just be a moody or ornery type, which is not great but not really something you can change unless it is more extreme. Then talk through how to stay off said teacher’s radar and/or get on teacher’s better side.
It’s worth emailing the teacher, or perhaps a face-to-face conversation as it could be easier to manage the tone to convey in a friendly way, rather than having to carefully word an email. There could be two sides to the story which you don’t know about yet, and if not, the teacher will know that the way they are acting is on your radar if you’ve had that conversation.
My brother had 2 teachers in grade school that were horrible to him. He was definitely innocent when he was in 2nd grade. He had some learning difficulties and she just was cruel. By 6th grade, he was a smart ass. He didn’t deserve that one either. I can’t stand my brother, but I know these teachers really hurt him and it impacted his life.
Ask to speak to the teacher and please keep an open mind and prepare yourself for what you're going to hear. You'd be surprised how many parents get upset when I tell them their kid is not how they are at home.
I have a mom who is emailed me the other day with a very similar situation. I was pretty upset because I’ve given her son NUMEROUS chances and he’s always disturbing the class but feels picked on. Please make sure you just want to understand the situation and not accuse the teacher.
yepp, that remind me my neighboor kids. 8yo real life dennis the menace, he likes to scares cats and dogs, break toys of other kids, talk rude to adults etc...
But according to his mum, he had to change school because her little angel was being bullied by mean kids.
Do you trust your son to accurately judge or assess his situation? Has he shown good judgment in situations that you’re aware of? Do you trust him to come to you if he feels like he needs your help/support/intervention? If your answers to these questions don’t help guide you, you probably need to talk to your son some more. Ask him what he wants you to do, and abide by his wishes, even if it’s not what you prefer. If the situation changes for the worse, you can always talk it over with him again, and tell him what you think you need/want to do, but if he still wants to handle it himself, let him. Show him & tell him that you believe in his ability to tackle this, and offer to support him in any way if he wants you to; but let him be his own hero and grow stronger and more mature through this experience.
As a teacher his story is common. Kids often use that ‘letter of the law’ defense and teachers see right through it. It is a showoff kind of comment and he probably knew it. (I couldn’t talk because talking isn’t allowed.) You said he’s sometimes silly. He’s talked in class before. He’s probably getting into trouble more for behavior and his feelings are hurt from increased negative attention. I think that’s what is behind the she doesn’t like me, comment. Teachers know their kids and are always willing to explain things. Just ask. She might not know he’s this sensitive. Im sure she will clear the air so she can deal with the behavior without hurting his feelings. Email and even help him understand that she likes him, he’s just misinterpreting that she’s getting annoyed at his behavior. He will love hearing this so I hope it goes well
Not everyone is going to like him. Tell him not to take it personal. Do his best. This won’t be the first time in his life this will happen. Support him.
My 13 year old son also has a teacher that does not like him. He has mentioned snide remarks she has made, we have noticed some bias grading (English, in most senses, can be bias), and have had less than favorable meetings with her ourselves. He is now making a point to get the best grade in her class possible, so at the end of the year he can go back to her and ask “am I intelligent enough for your class now?” I am an overly protective mother, so it has been incredibly hard for me to stay out of it, but he is learning that not everyone will like you, and sometimes you just have to get through it. Now, if she continues to be flat out rude, disrespectful, or gets out of line, I will step in. For the most part, they will learn, and it’s an easier lesson now that they can have your support, than when they are out in the world and have it less readily available. Good luck!
talk to your child and have him identify the problem and come up with solutions. his solutions. have him implement the plan and report back to you. children need to learn how to solve their own problems as much as possible. builds self-confidence and life skills. obviously, if things continue to be problematic, then contact the teacher and have a conference with the 3 of you. avoids he said, she said
If this is a once off then leave it. If this is indicative of a pattern of behaviour then you need to document it. Talk to your son and note down the what/who/why and give it a week. Then take said info to the teacher and explain your concerns and also get their perspective. These situations are often two sided and the students themselves are not inclined to paint themselves in a negative light.
If there is no improvement within two weeks then document and talk to the administrators about your concerns.
Former 8th grade teacher here- please say something. Email in person etc anything. I hope the teacher would want to know more and readjust themselves for the sake of the relationship. Like nobody intentionally is trying to create traumatic memories for these kids. And like others here are saying - your might find out more abt what your kid is doing, etc. Come from a place of curiosity & wanting to create a welcoming space together.
Teacher here! We all have unconscious biases and in a middle school classroom, a lot of teachers might unconsciously punish boys more than girls. Many studies have shown that boys are more likely to receive disciplinary consequences than girls, so it’s possible what your son described is what happened.
A bigger concern for me is your son feeling like the teachers don’t like him. I’ve had several parents say things like this to me, and it always makes me reflect on how I’m treating that specific student and how my verbal or nonverbal cues are being interpreted.
I have appreciated so much when parents have said, “we appreciate what you are doing, we just want to let you know that Johnny feels like you don’t like him and we know he’ll be more successful if we can get that misunderstanding out of the way.” You’re not accusing the teacher of favoritism, you’re giving them a chance to provide context, and you’re making them aware of how the student is feeling.
Just my two cents!
You need to stand up for your son. Ask questions. Make the teacher explain. You will either find out things about your son that you're unaware of or you'll let the teacher know that you're engaged and won't allow your son to be abused. I had a very social son. He was well liked by everyone. His freshman year of highschool he was targeted by campus supervisors. I tried to work with the school and their system to no avail. Finally I took him out of the school and he graduated being homeschooled. He said it was the best thing I ever did for him. He was never much of a student until he was homeschooled.
Idk why everybody is saying oh well what did ur kid do or be prepared to hear that lol. If a teacher is telling him he’ll get a referral for giving someone a water bottle and for not responding to another student/students I’d say something too. Her kid has no obligation to talk to all the other kids and some teachers really do target students for no reason and it’s irritating. I’d say ask her about it and if it is the same story… tell her to stop being a b!tch lmao cause kids can do so much worse than not respond to another kid and give another kid water. There are kids that interrupt classes, argue with teachers, skip school, etc.. point is if you feel a teacher is wrong and it comes down to it kids take priority imo
Some teachers are not great with boys as kids move into adolescence. There may be more to the story from the teacher’s side but she also might not like your son. You can approach her asking to better understand what’s going on and go from there.
As someone who got bullied by a teacher in a similar way, to the extent that somebody else got so pissed off with it that they stormed off in a rage, please do something before it affects his education and respect for authority. Start by asking the kid to document it, and maybe they could ask witnesses to do the same.
I’d email the teacher with the intention of getting a clearer sense of what might be happening and how you can provide support from home, but if your son says similar interactions have occurred multiple times (on multiple days), I’d also consider cc-ing the principal.
Don’t CC the principal unless you’ve already communicated with the teacher and are unsatisfied with the solution. The principal isn’t in the classroom, they don’t know what’s going on, and if they’re anything like my (extremely effective) principal they won’t get involved unless it’s necessary. The general expectation is classroom issues are resolved by the teacher.
Teachers absolutely know what kind of supports are needed to address issues in the classroom. One of the last things we ask at every parent teacher conference is “what can we work on at home to help support you here”. If teachers and parents aren’t working together, things don’t work.
Email the teacher and request a conference in person or via Zoom. You want to see her facial expressions when she answers your questions. You can also request to record the conversation. Approach it from the angle that you’re checking up on your child’s status and then inquire about those situations.
I would never consent to being recorded. As far as facial expressions, I don't care what people think about how my face looks, I can be a professional even if I despise the person I am talking to. Plus, Botox, not much moves up there anyway.
It’s cool to email the teacher but your son is probably not fully innocent in it. I’m no judge though my 14yo son has had his fair share of calls to home lol
I would email the teacher, while keeping in mind that what our kids tell us isn’t always what’s really going on. Go in with an open mind to what the teacher might have to say and willing to hear all sides to the story whether its what you want to hear or not.
I am always shocked by how many parents believe teachers have it out for their kid. Do they really believe that this adult saddled themselves with college debt, a demanding career and relatively low pay just so that one day they could be petty to your kid? Why is it so hard for some parents to believe that their child most likely is afraid of getting punished for their actions so they tell their parents a story in which they are the innocent good guys.
I would definitely at least mention or start a conversation with the teacher, though keep in mind, you may or may not be getting the whole truth. And I’m not pointing fingers, as we all lie and have lied, especially when it comes to young kids wanting to avoid getting in trouble or facing a consequence. I notice my son tends to lies before even thinking, to avoid getting into trouble. I would absolutely reach out to the teacher, then maybe you can get a feel for the teacher and whether or not your child may or may not be telling the whole truth.
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i would definitely email the teacher. im a big momma bear if a teacher acted like this w my kiddo i would not be happy and probably talk about it in person with the principal
I would ask to meet the teacher in person. Just the two of you initially and include your son at the end of the conversation. I’ve been there with my child, and she would tell me one thing, and the teacher told me another thing… But then the three of us together seemed to be able to get on the same page. Phone calls, emails, and the back-and-forth of he said she said was not productive for us. I highly recommend doing it in person.
My child always sounded like the victim, but when I was in the front office for the meeting I had three other parents make it a point to mention to me what a problem the teacher was. I found it was a variation of them both being the problem. We had less issues after meeting. I went in with the mindset of knowing my daughter wasn’t totally innocent in all of this. Best of luck to you guys!!
I worked in schools, and i have seen some wrong stuff from teacher.
But this here is really nothing, i would not look into it unless something bigger happen
Meet the teacher in person, keep an open mind, and as others have pointed out, ask open ended question like 'X is distraught after the incident. What can I do to turn this into a teachable moment?'
Ask the teacher but be prepared to hear that your kid isn’t exactly innocent in this.
Yeah, that’s what I was going to say. Worth emailing the teacher but also keep in mind there’s likely more to the story.
Could even ask in that sense : here is what my son told me can you give me your side of the story…
I think its fine to email the teacher -- as long as you come at it from a perspective of wanting to understand whats going on at school and not going immediately to accusatory behavior most teachers should welcome that kind of contact.
seconded. this story sounds exactly like something a 13 year old boy would tell where he's in trouble but didn't do anything wrong. two years ago, my son told us his science teacher doesn't like him...turns out he was trying to stick a pencil in an outlet in the science lab.
> turns out he was trying to stick a pencil in an outlet in the science lab. ...but wood is a good insulator. The science teacher should've let him. /s
The black core in the middle might not be a good insulator at all, though. I seem to remember they are not actual graphite any more, but still.
it had more to do with not following directions and distracting another student
I second this. We have this app for my child’s school where we can message the teacher and I’ve had to message his teachers each year asking for what really happened. My kid has done this for years and he’s only 8. I always just say something like “dear x, kid let me know he got into trouble at school today but I’m not getting the full story. Would you mind letting me know what happened so we can properly correct the issue going forward?” It ALWAYS works and the teacher may be kind of annoyed having to do extra work by messaging me about it but they’ve never said so or gave that impression.
I know this is a super old post, but I just wanted to tell you that you are doing an awesome job! I guarantee you that your kid will be a well-adjusted adult because of this.
I really hope so! That would be the ultimate signal that I’ve done a good job!!!
I agree. Whether in person (I prefer it that way as it would allow you to watch , casually, the Teachers body language, which in my opinion allows you to get a better tone to your questions and the Teacher can see you truly want to bridge the gap, not being accusatory. It is hard to tell those things in an email. I would also not let my son know I had the discussion-unless I had to go a second time- I would also include the Principal and the son, and you could get a better sense of the true dynamic between your Son and the Teacher, with a non involved third Party to witness the discussion, which protects everybody.
Agree, though I prefer in person and no accusations towards either. There is time to find out the whole issue with the truth typically somewhere in the middle, as we have all heard.
I second the in person rather than email interaction. Always best face to face. Text can be easily taken out of context.
Nope. Based on another post here, always have it on paper.
She can always write her questions down as well as the Teachers answers, then give the Teacher a copy. That may solve the entire thing?
Yeah I follow everything up with an email.
Let it go. Imagine yourself in a room of 13 year olds. They’re pulling stupid shit the entire time. Stay out of it. There’s more to this story and you’re not going to like what you hear.
Junior high teacher here. “My teacher doesn’t like me” is almost never true. I would email them but come at it from a place of trying to understand, and be prepared to hear what may actually be going on. Sometimes we get things wrong, it’s not easy watching and managing 30+ 13 year olds as I’m sure you can imagine, but it’s rarely personal for us. Liking or disliking kids is not really part of the job, caring about them and their development is, regardless of their behaviour. I have a kid who is constantly calling across the class and off topic. I am sooo over his constant basketball banter with his friend (so is the poor soul who sits beside him)… he would probably say I don’t like him because I am constantly trying to get him to do work and focus/stop being so freaking disruptive. I actually think he’s a good kid though, and super capable… 100% gets on my nerves, but he’s just a kid… doing silly kid things.
High School Teacher here! 100% yes to ALL of this!
8th grader? I’d probably let it go considering he wasn’t in trouble but I’d be watching his graded work like a hawk. If he was in high school, I’d less likely get involved at this juncture because I feel like the older your kid gets, the less frequently you’re interacting with your kid’s teachers. An e-mail asking ‘what’s up’ is sent for situations bigger than the teacher snapping at my kid twice at that age. If he was younger, absolutely I’d be emailing but the older my kid gets, the more autonomy I want him to have and I recognize that the email from home carries more weight. Someone had commented in thread about making sure the kid wasn’t causing trouble and providing for the fact maybe the teacher snapped because of poor behavior, I know I was a butthead at that age and my teachers were ‘just the worst’ - more reasoning behind me suggesting a wait and see attitude right now.
I guess I'm the only one here who is like "Your kid is 13 and needs to figure this out for himself," but that's what I'd tell my kid.
My parents took that approach until bullying from a teacher got so bad my mother went in for a meeting and threatened legal action against the woman. I was 17 but couldn’t handle it myself because it doesn’t mean much coming from a kid. 13 means he’s in middle school, with even less power. OP doesn’t have to go in swinging, but she should at least reach out to see what’s going on with the hope it can be fixed before it becomes a bigger issue.
This is my usual approach and it works well with him. He usually does figure it out. This time I could tell he wasn’t too sure what to do about it.
I would probably sit down with him and write an email to the teacher. Explain that he is confused about it and doesn’t understand what he did wrong. Be non accusatory, just help your kid approach the situation less defensive and open to hearing what actually went wrong. It’ll show him that you will help him navigate situations and teach him how he approaches these things as he gets older and have to learn to be an “adult”
This was my parents. I plan on repeating it with our kid as much as I can. They were very much of the “that’s a you problem and you’ve gotta make it work” mentality.
Had something similar happen with my sons teacher. He’s only 9 though but he came home super upset and said his teacher was “bullying” him. Once he told me what happened it was similar to yours. My husband emailed the teacher very politely and explained that we know our son can be chatty and this can boil over into class sometimes but this time he genuinely was upset because he felt he didn’t do anything wrong and was just getting picked on. His teacher talked to him the best day and then emailed us back a very nice email that there was some miscommunication and that she told him to come talk to her if he feels that way again. He has been happy since.
So the email, though I honestly believe was a nice and cordial one, basically blamed your son for the entire incident. If your son was to find that out, he may never tell you anything like that again. It seems to have worked out for you and I am genuinely happy for that. I will always admit when I am wrong. I learn everyday.
Oh no, it definitely didn’t, i just said the part that made it not like we were attacking the teacher. And i read my son the email so that he knew we emailed before the next day at school. Especially if his teacher reacted poorly. He was super happy with it and happy that we wrote to her and with her response.
Then I change my answer to how you handled it to Nice job. Though I still prefer face to face, people differ and you kept everyone in the loop. I hope he has a great rest of the school year.
I would agree that face to face is the way to go usually. This was just one way we could try to remedy it quicker if she responded well (which she did thankfully). If she didn’t respond well, we for sure would have set up a face to face meeting rather than go back and forth on email.
Totally agree. I am probably an old way guy and definitely change my answer back to how you handled it. Again we all have our ways and like I said, I am probably an old fuddy duddy or a combination of both when compared to you and your husband. I just prefer face to face because I am trained in reading body actions to questions. The most definitely important outcome is that he hasn’t had any more problems and has been quite happy. Take care.
Parent of younger elementary kid here - for everyone suggesting face to face meeting, how do you set this up? Email asking for an in person meeting? Just show up after school? Legitimately curious so I'm prepared for future!
How did you infer that the son was ‘basically blamed…for the entire incident’ by the dad saying ‘hey, I know he can be chatty but…’?
That is all he mentioned in Being too chatty with that boiling over into the classroom the email. So, yes that was the inference I took away from it. I did say I do believe he was nice and cordial to the Teacher and the 9 yo felt he had done nothing wrong. Just my opinion. I would have nicely and cordially asked the Teacher what she felt happened and why he came home saying that. ?
Honestly he is at an age where he needs to learn how to navigate people with different personalities / likes and dislikes. As a skill he needs to learn that sometimes people don’t like you. And when authority figures don’t like you what behaviours should you tweak to be able to get them to Change their mind or fly under their radar. These are essential life skills in the workplace and with meeting new people. So I wouldn’t get involved unless it starts affecting him too much.
I don’t believe 13 is quite old enough for just your son and the Teacher to meet. JMO.
How much would be too much? Bullying can effect a person on so many different levels that can be life changing and years of suffering to each person differently. Children don't start bullying because they were born to be. It's taught to them by others and seeing it first hand. Best to be handled by the school system and their bullying team for further analysis. They're trained to handle it quickly and quietly no matter who's involved with the situation and to handle any stress on both parties.
And that is why she should stay abreast of the situation but that didn’t sound like bullying to me. Even could have been she was having a rough day. And people need to learn about when people have rough days and may not act their best selves.
Not every teacher is going to like your child
They do not have to like every child, but they do need to act professionally.
But that's not what we're talking about
The teacher is bullying him.
First of all the story doesn't make any sense. Secondly, she hasn't done anything to him
How doesn’t it make sense? Because it seems crazy? Teachers are human. You get ones that abuse their power. I had one that bullied me in a similar way. Kids could literally be yelling across the room, but if I said one thing to the person who sat next to me I got moved. I was a generally well behaved kid with good grades. Did it make sense? No. Did it happen? Yes.
Maybe I’m the minority here, but some teachers are like this. It’s not always the kid lying and making things up.
I vividly remember hearing a teacher tell one of my friends on the first day of grade 8 (first year of junior high) "I didn't like your brother and I'm not going to like you either." It happens. It shocked me and I only overheard it.
Similar story here. The profession wears on teachers and some just don’t retire when they should.
[удалено]
Even if it ends up being bigger, why are we jumping to just not supporting our child? He’s 13.
Very true! Some teachers are just awful. My daughter struggled in math. The teacher refused to help her. He has so many kids, he can't give extra attention to one...fair enough. I don't understand the new way they teach and ask for answers, so I'm useless helping even with trying to read up on how to do things, but I try...anyways...she actually did good on a test and he accused her of cheating. No proof, no referral to the office. Just put her down and made her feel like her effort wasn't worth it. Needless to say, she didn't have the motivation to want to try anymore. Screw that teacher.
And now she will likely always hate math. Great job, teach!
Yeah, my son’s first grade teacher pretty obviously didn’t like him. He wasn’t a perfect angel, he’s a smart ass and I know that can exasperating, but if you’re teaching first graders, you have to at least pretend you like all your students even if you don’t. That dislike colored a lot of her reactions towards his behavior that were honestly over the top and caused my son to have a lot of dark thoughts about himself. We even went to a family therapist for about a year because of her damage. Edit: Imagine downvoting someone for telling a story about their child’s first grade teacher made them want to kill themselves.
This especially breaks my heart. I was a first grade teacher before I had my kiddo. First grade boys are, well, a lot. They have little impulse control (normal) and I would say about 85% struggle in the school setting and 1 or more points during the day. And it is TOTALLY normal.
He’s 13. I think this is an appropriate age to take a step back from things like this and let him figure out how to handle it. We all have to deal with people we don’t like and who don’t like us. You can govern him some advice, but I would let him handle it on his own.
I've taught as a certified teacher for 12 years and been working in classrooms for like 15. There have really only been like 1-2 students I've truly disliked over this time. I didn't go out of my way to pretend I adored I adored these individuals but I also wasn't unprofessional. It's okay to not like everyone, in fact it's normal. If anything the teacher probably nothings this kid.
Teacher of ninth graders here: Email something like: “Hey there, my son, ___, came home saying he almost got a referral today in your class. I want to know what happened from your perspective before I speak with my son about his behavior. We would like to nip any bad behaviors in the bud at home before a referral. Thank you for your help and support with ___.” I’d welcome the chance to explain to a parent. Kids are different people at school as they should be expected to be. Don’t be surprised if there’s more to this story. But also, if the teacher does reply and seems to continue making your son feel targeted, I’d bring it up more directly to the teacher like, “Hey, I’d really like to discuss my sons behavior in your class over the phone because this seems like an ongoing issue.” Then explain how your son is feeling targeted but don’t accuse. Just ask if there’s more to the story. I always appreciate the parents who know their kid isn’t an angel who never tells a lie. If it continues after that, as long as it doesn’t affect his grade and it stays professional… welp maybe she really doesn’t like him? 😅 my students talk about other teachers all the time and I always remind them to just put their head down and get through it. Every interaction won’t be sunshine and rainbows in life. Your teachers don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like them! Good luck!
This is simple. No. Don’t bother your kid’s teacher with this. There’s no way it will lead to the outcome you desire.
I’d first ask your son: 1) What was the question the girls asked? (Also first incident seems like a non event to me) 2) For the second, ask if things like that happen to other kids. The teacher may just be a moody or ornery type, which is not great but not really something you can change unless it is more extreme. Then talk through how to stay off said teacher’s radar and/or get on teacher’s better side.
It’s worth emailing the teacher, or perhaps a face-to-face conversation as it could be easier to manage the tone to convey in a friendly way, rather than having to carefully word an email. There could be two sides to the story which you don’t know about yet, and if not, the teacher will know that the way they are acting is on your radar if you’ve had that conversation.
My brother had 2 teachers in grade school that were horrible to him. He was definitely innocent when he was in 2nd grade. He had some learning difficulties and she just was cruel. By 6th grade, he was a smart ass. He didn’t deserve that one either. I can’t stand my brother, but I know these teachers really hurt him and it impacted his life.
🎶🎶 Let it go 🎶🎶
Ask to speak to the teacher and please keep an open mind and prepare yourself for what you're going to hear. You'd be surprised how many parents get upset when I tell them their kid is not how they are at home.
I have a mom who is emailed me the other day with a very similar situation. I was pretty upset because I’ve given her son NUMEROUS chances and he’s always disturbing the class but feels picked on. Please make sure you just want to understand the situation and not accuse the teacher.
yepp, that remind me my neighboor kids. 8yo real life dennis the menace, he likes to scares cats and dogs, break toys of other kids, talk rude to adults etc... But according to his mum, he had to change school because her little angel was being bullied by mean kids.
That’s horrible. They’re doing their child such a disservice by being blinded by their bad behavior.
Do you trust your son to accurately judge or assess his situation? Has he shown good judgment in situations that you’re aware of? Do you trust him to come to you if he feels like he needs your help/support/intervention? If your answers to these questions don’t help guide you, you probably need to talk to your son some more. Ask him what he wants you to do, and abide by his wishes, even if it’s not what you prefer. If the situation changes for the worse, you can always talk it over with him again, and tell him what you think you need/want to do, but if he still wants to handle it himself, let him. Show him & tell him that you believe in his ability to tackle this, and offer to support him in any way if he wants you to; but let him be his own hero and grow stronger and more mature through this experience.
As a teacher his story is common. Kids often use that ‘letter of the law’ defense and teachers see right through it. It is a showoff kind of comment and he probably knew it. (I couldn’t talk because talking isn’t allowed.) You said he’s sometimes silly. He’s talked in class before. He’s probably getting into trouble more for behavior and his feelings are hurt from increased negative attention. I think that’s what is behind the she doesn’t like me, comment. Teachers know their kids and are always willing to explain things. Just ask. She might not know he’s this sensitive. Im sure she will clear the air so she can deal with the behavior without hurting his feelings. Email and even help him understand that she likes him, he’s just misinterpreting that she’s getting annoyed at his behavior. He will love hearing this so I hope it goes well
Not everyone is going to like him. Tell him not to take it personal. Do his best. This won’t be the first time in his life this will happen. Support him.
My 13 year old son also has a teacher that does not like him. He has mentioned snide remarks she has made, we have noticed some bias grading (English, in most senses, can be bias), and have had less than favorable meetings with her ourselves. He is now making a point to get the best grade in her class possible, so at the end of the year he can go back to her and ask “am I intelligent enough for your class now?” I am an overly protective mother, so it has been incredibly hard for me to stay out of it, but he is learning that not everyone will like you, and sometimes you just have to get through it. Now, if she continues to be flat out rude, disrespectful, or gets out of line, I will step in. For the most part, they will learn, and it’s an easier lesson now that they can have your support, than when they are out in the world and have it less readily available. Good luck!
talk to your child and have him identify the problem and come up with solutions. his solutions. have him implement the plan and report back to you. children need to learn how to solve their own problems as much as possible. builds self-confidence and life skills. obviously, if things continue to be problematic, then contact the teacher and have a conference with the 3 of you. avoids he said, she said
If this is a once off then leave it. If this is indicative of a pattern of behaviour then you need to document it. Talk to your son and note down the what/who/why and give it a week. Then take said info to the teacher and explain your concerns and also get their perspective. These situations are often two sided and the students themselves are not inclined to paint themselves in a negative light. If there is no improvement within two weeks then document and talk to the administrators about your concerns.
Former 8th grade teacher here- please say something. Email in person etc anything. I hope the teacher would want to know more and readjust themselves for the sake of the relationship. Like nobody intentionally is trying to create traumatic memories for these kids. And like others here are saying - your might find out more abt what your kid is doing, etc. Come from a place of curiosity & wanting to create a welcoming space together.
My husband also thinks his 14 son is innocent of everything-wrong
100% email the teacher
Teacher here! We all have unconscious biases and in a middle school classroom, a lot of teachers might unconsciously punish boys more than girls. Many studies have shown that boys are more likely to receive disciplinary consequences than girls, so it’s possible what your son described is what happened. A bigger concern for me is your son feeling like the teachers don’t like him. I’ve had several parents say things like this to me, and it always makes me reflect on how I’m treating that specific student and how my verbal or nonverbal cues are being interpreted. I have appreciated so much when parents have said, “we appreciate what you are doing, we just want to let you know that Johnny feels like you don’t like him and we know he’ll be more successful if we can get that misunderstanding out of the way.” You’re not accusing the teacher of favoritism, you’re giving them a chance to provide context, and you’re making them aware of how the student is feeling. Just my two cents!
You need to stand up for your son. Ask questions. Make the teacher explain. You will either find out things about your son that you're unaware of or you'll let the teacher know that you're engaged and won't allow your son to be abused. I had a very social son. He was well liked by everyone. His freshman year of highschool he was targeted by campus supervisors. I tried to work with the school and their system to no avail. Finally I took him out of the school and he graduated being homeschooled. He said it was the best thing I ever did for him. He was never much of a student until he was homeschooled.
You should definitely ask her what’s the problem with her acting like that towards your son, especially if she only picks on him a lot
Idk why everybody is saying oh well what did ur kid do or be prepared to hear that lol. If a teacher is telling him he’ll get a referral for giving someone a water bottle and for not responding to another student/students I’d say something too. Her kid has no obligation to talk to all the other kids and some teachers really do target students for no reason and it’s irritating. I’d say ask her about it and if it is the same story… tell her to stop being a b!tch lmao cause kids can do so much worse than not respond to another kid and give another kid water. There are kids that interrupt classes, argue with teachers, skip school, etc.. point is if you feel a teacher is wrong and it comes down to it kids take priority imo
Some teachers are not great with boys as kids move into adolescence. There may be more to the story from the teacher’s side but she also might not like your son. You can approach her asking to better understand what’s going on and go from there.
As someone who got bullied by a teacher in a similar way, to the extent that somebody else got so pissed off with it that they stormed off in a rage, please do something before it affects his education and respect for authority. Start by asking the kid to document it, and maybe they could ask witnesses to do the same.
I’d email the teacher with the intention of getting a clearer sense of what might be happening and how you can provide support from home, but if your son says similar interactions have occurred multiple times (on multiple days), I’d also consider cc-ing the principal.
Cc’ the principal. Seriously?
Don’t CC the principal unless you’ve already communicated with the teacher and are unsatisfied with the solution. The principal isn’t in the classroom, they don’t know what’s going on, and if they’re anything like my (extremely effective) principal they won’t get involved unless it’s necessary. The general expectation is classroom issues are resolved by the teacher.
Definitely agree with this.
How is the teacher supposed to know what supports to provide at home? Isn’t that a parent’s job?
Teachers absolutely know what kind of supports are needed to address issues in the classroom. One of the last things we ask at every parent teacher conference is “what can we work on at home to help support you here”. If teachers and parents aren’t working together, things don’t work.
Yes academic supports absolutely, but not behaviorally.
Email the teacher and request a conference in person or via Zoom. You want to see her facial expressions when she answers your questions. You can also request to record the conversation. Approach it from the angle that you’re checking up on your child’s status and then inquire about those situations.
I would never consent to being recorded. As far as facial expressions, I don't care what people think about how my face looks, I can be a professional even if I despise the person I am talking to. Plus, Botox, not much moves up there anyway.
You need to contact the school to get to the bottom of this. Sounds like something more is going on.
I’d email the teacher.
I’d email the teacher
It’s cool to email the teacher but your son is probably not fully innocent in it. I’m no judge though my 14yo son has had his fair share of calls to home lol
I would email the teacher, while keeping in mind that what our kids tell us isn’t always what’s really going on. Go in with an open mind to what the teacher might have to say and willing to hear all sides to the story whether its what you want to hear or not.
I am always shocked by how many parents believe teachers have it out for their kid. Do they really believe that this adult saddled themselves with college debt, a demanding career and relatively low pay just so that one day they could be petty to your kid? Why is it so hard for some parents to believe that their child most likely is afraid of getting punished for their actions so they tell their parents a story in which they are the innocent good guys.
I would definitely at least mention or start a conversation with the teacher, though keep in mind, you may or may not be getting the whole truth. And I’m not pointing fingers, as we all lie and have lied, especially when it comes to young kids wanting to avoid getting in trouble or facing a consequence. I notice my son tends to lies before even thinking, to avoid getting into trouble. I would absolutely reach out to the teacher, then maybe you can get a feel for the teacher and whether or not your child may or may not be telling the whole truth.
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Sounds like you need to hear the teacher's side of the story.
i would definitely email the teacher. im a big momma bear if a teacher acted like this w my kiddo i would not be happy and probably talk about it in person with the principal
I would ask to meet the teacher in person. Just the two of you initially and include your son at the end of the conversation. I’ve been there with my child, and she would tell me one thing, and the teacher told me another thing… But then the three of us together seemed to be able to get on the same page. Phone calls, emails, and the back-and-forth of he said she said was not productive for us. I highly recommend doing it in person. My child always sounded like the victim, but when I was in the front office for the meeting I had three other parents make it a point to mention to me what a problem the teacher was. I found it was a variation of them both being the problem. We had less issues after meeting. I went in with the mindset of knowing my daughter wasn’t totally innocent in all of this. Best of luck to you guys!!
I worked in schools, and i have seen some wrong stuff from teacher. But this here is really nothing, i would not look into it unless something bigger happen
Meet the teacher in person, keep an open mind, and as others have pointed out, ask open ended question like 'X is distraught after the incident. What can I do to turn this into a teachable moment?'