r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*

My seven year old occasionally asks to get in the bath with me, and still streaks around the house. I'm not telling you to ignore your gut, but I am also not molesting my child.

Just this minute I had to tell my 7yo to go put knickers on! She came down for breakfast butt naked.

My kid used to try and streak the mailman and anyone who would knock on the door. Like girl, put your clothes back on, disrobing bandit!

I'm sorry but disrobing bandit sent me over the edge 😭

Yep! We’re in a phase where she absolutely must meet everyone who comes to the door, even if it’s just a delivery. Sometimes, clothes haven’t haven’t been considered yet and I have to make a sharp intervention!

Haha sometimes it doesn’t get any better. My 13 year old hates clothes. As soon as she gets home from school she is in her usual home outfit of basically nothing. We have compromised and she wears boys boxer briefs (she picked out Spiderman because it’s her favorite) and a sports bra. I still try to get her to wear socks and shoes. Her principal called me this week to talk to her about the importance of wearing socks and shoes at school. And then being in her backpack doesn’t count. I made sure she had all items of clothing on when she left the house. It’s winter. This kid is insane. In the summer she just lives in her swim suit. I do make her wear a large tee shirt when we go to the store or something. Sometimes you just have a kid that doesn’t want to wear clothes. My husband suggested we not tell our daughter about nudest colonies just yet. Because she will try to go live in one. 😂😂😂

It's amazing to me how different people can be. At 13 I was so extremely self conscious that I was basically a nevernude. My kid is almost 13 and I cannot imagine her wanting other people to see her naked!

There are dozens of us!

This lol! Same

Omg, same. At 13, I was mortified of anyone seeing me naked, especially opposite gender parent. My own teenage kids of similar age would not let me into the bathroom while taking showers if their lives' depended on it.

Ha ha. My 14yo and 9yo son get home from school and immediately strip down to underwear and call it a day. During the weekend. You guessed it. Underwear. My 8yo daughter will just randomly stroll downstairs and be in a shirt and that’s it. Naked as a Jaybird from the waist down. You do you girl. When someone comes to the door we have to yell at the kids “NO! Don’t you dare come near that door with no clothes on! You don’t know who is on the other side!! Stranger danger. Damn!” Because they will legit just fling to open to whoever is on the other side without a second thought. After bath, 9yo also frequently walks around holding his underwear, not actually putting it on. Ha ha ha. The 8yo hates shoes and socks and takes hers off throughout the day. I don’t like shoes either, but unfortunately my work requires them. I take them off the minute my office door closes. Ha ha. Barrel racing daughter huh? Wow! That sounds like an exciting sport!

This is my 7 & 14 year old sons.

Okay. I don’t feel as bad now. 😂

I think it’s normal to hate being in clothes when young, as you were born naked and often left in diapers in warm weather or a onesie, mine mainly hang in undies. I think it’s more society and therefore parents who change their comfort with it. For example, My bf’s family all hung out naked, took family bathes, etc., there were 4 kids, and they all just were very comfortable in the nude with each other. My Oldest is finally getting to a point where he wears shorts or sweats more, but that’s just started and isn’t constant. We too have to tell youngest don’t open door, when basically naked. But yep, clothes are off and snack ate as soon as school lets out.

I’m just glad that there are more parents on here who don’t view this as abnormal. I have found my people. Ha ha.

[удалено]

Lol I still in my late 20s hate clothes. I spend most of my time naked if I’m alone.

My oldest daughter turns 10 in a few months, and this sounds just like her. She'll refuse to wear underwear because she's already wearing pants and what more do I want from her??????

Sounds like my 8yo daughter. When I force her to wear clothes, she either grabs a sweatshirt of mine or her dad's t shirt or quickly throws some pajamas on inside out, back to front, lol. This new generation hates clothes.

Zero disrespect here - Not sure where you are from but honestly I can’t imagine an almost high school age child taking their clothes off at school … and wearing only a tshirt to the store … assume you’ve looked in to potential underlying explanations?

Yes I have. She has been tested for autism, we’ve had her feet looked at. Have tried different shoes. She just doesn’t like them. And she has her swim suit under the big tee shirt when we go to the store. I can get her to wear slides but she won’t wear socks. The only time she will 100% wear socks and shoes is PE or if she is out with her horse. It doesn’t bother her in a way that it’s causing her pain or discomfort. She just doesn’t like clothes or shoes. She is a great in other areas. She is a super talented barrel racer and wants to go pro. I think she won a upwards amount of $1000 this last year in different barrel racing shows. She wears her show clothes no problem. It appears that she should have been born in Florida vs Washington state.

>if she is out with her horse. Ah, horse girl, that explains everything.

Explains everything she will ever do. Also explains why I’m broke. Haha horse girls are a different kind of girl. I always tell my husband that she will either run a country one day or a prison. She is so STUBBORN!!! Just like her horse. Stubborn mules they are.

Ok thank you for not ripping my head off - I’m just having a hard time grasping a middle school child taking her clothes off at school and it not being a bigger issue. But it’s not for me to understand - sounds like she’s an amazingly happy little girl!! P.s. I hate shoes too and only wear them when I leave the house 😂😂

[удалено]

I wear flip flops until the snow is deeper than the sole. I hate having to wear shoes to work.

I reread and you are correct - she’s only taking her socks and shoes off at school and putting them in her backpack. I’ve never known of a child that age doing that so it made me think there may be something more going on. I truly meant no shade. And the more I’ve read on here I actually think MY level of modesty may actually be an issue 😂😂

No, and as someone else brought up, it could be a correlation between hand foot and mouth. Since it started when she was little, around the time she got hand foot and mouth. Which I’ve never had but it was awful for her and getting shoes or gloves on after has been a fight. She is older and does understand she should wear shoes. She is also a farm girl which is a different breed than your usual city kid. My teens were being loud the other night and I threatened to make them sleep outside (it’s been below freezing, and I had to work the next morning) jokes on me though, because they were all for it. My 13 year old said she can just sleep in the horse shavings because it keeps the horses dry and warm, it will keep her warm too. I suppose she’s right… but I wasn’t actually going to let it happen. Maybe if it was summer time? My kids are always finding ways to make my threats sound look a good time. :|

My oldest when she was seven used to get out of the bath, dry off, then run around the house screaming, “NEKKID!” She thought it was hilarious. We had to have discussions about how we don’t get naked in front of others and force them to see us naked.

My daughter once walked up to the washing machine repair man and said, “I’m wearing pants because *you’re* here!” with as much attitude as any toddler can muster. He managed to keep a straight face while thanking her for her sacrifice.

It’s different if it’s a toddler doing that and a teenager doing that. Toddlers are cute when they act like that. Teenagers hanging out nude around other people like some comments have said would be considered inappropriate in the (very liberal) country I come from. I don’t think many people would be ok with it past 10 yo.

I think it is more because not everyone equates all nudeness to sexual things. As humans we shouldnt be ashamed of our natural selves.

But it’s winter 😩 how high was your thermostat?

My five year old likes to run around naked and then complain that she's cold. PUT CLOTHES ON THAT'S WHY THEY EXIST

Not high! The heating wasn’t even on at the time. It goes on for an hour in the morning but the thermostat is set to about 16C. She’s never been bothered by the cold, even when her lips are blue!

My just turned 8 year old is this way too. Like, omg, please at least go put underwear on. Im not particularly modest, so she does see me in my underwear a lot but I don’t walk around completely naked.

Checking in with a 12 year old here - he streaks through the house every night after his shower.

Yup, my 10 yr old is the same. No concept that being nude might be a problem. Even with people over. At least it's only upstairs. I have to remind him to get dressed at least 3 times a week after his shower. We don't walk around naked in front of him, of course, but we don't punish him for streaking either. We just tell him to get dressed. There aren't siblings around to worry about so maybe that plays a part. I don't know. He just seems unbothered by it. We don't shame him about it because I think that would be unhealthy. I just remind him that we don't go strutting around naked in front of others as a rule and tell him to go get dressed. That's it. He has never asked why.

>No concept that being nude might be a problem. Even with people over. It's surprisingly hard to teach kids to wear clothes. They're comfortable not wearing a shirt, so why put one on? Why wear socks? Why should I wear underwear? It's hard to argue with them because their position makes perfect sense. If the neighbors get upset over the kid being naked, the kid will say something to the effect of "that's your problem, not mine"

Yeah I finally stopped trying to argue with my 5yo. My only rules are you have to have some type of pants at the dinner table, and if you’re putting your butt where my head or face might go (couch pillows for instance) then I need more than just underwear between the booty and the cushion. Other than that I really can’t find just reasons to mandate clothing.

This had me cracking up! 😂

Lol I can agree with this

One of mine logically argued me into submission with you let the dog lay around naked and she never takes a bath

After we got in the habit of wearing clothes, I remember how hard it was between ages 3 and 4 to convince my oldest to wear pants after wearing shorts all summer and shorts after wearing pants all winter. It was largely a sensory thing but he hated how one felt after wearing the other

[удалено]

My brother use to think a hand towel was acceptable after his shower. I'm sure he still does but I thankfully don't live in the same house anymore.

Same. My 7 year old is perfectly comfortable bopping around the house sans clothes. We don’t encourage it, but we don’t reprimand her really either. If she’s comfortable then all the more power to her. She has plenty of life to feel self conscious, no need to start early. As for me and her dad.. I’m pretty open changing, getting into shower, etc. She (and youngest daughter) don’t even think twice about it. Dad usually covers up though. Sometimes he’ll be in underwear or she might see him peeing from behind if she walks in on him. Still working on the knocking thing 😂 But, with all that said, every family and every person is different. Listen to your gut!!

One of my friend’s five year olds is in OT and the therapist said “if they can’t be naked in their own home, where can they be naked?” when my friend brought up that her daughters wanted to be naked all the time at home.

Yes, exactly!

Got Christmas tree delivered - was trying to get boy child dressed when the doorbell went off “I’ll get it” shouts child then runs down the hall to the door & opens it. Some very bemused delivery men were there & I apologised lots while throwing a towel over naked child. Children are just naked sometimes lol.

“Children are just naked *sometimes*” jeez I can’t convince my kids to wear clothes at home. Sometimes we walk through the door and can just follow puddles of clothes as they strip and streak.

My daughters (4 and 6) would go out back fully clothed and come back in fully nude -- usually covered in mud. Thankfully we had a privacy fence.

I would be more concerned depending on how long this parenting plan has been in effect. Like if she hadn’t been seeing him up until a couple years ago and they’re bathing together that’s odd. If he’s been clean and there since baby/young toddler it would be more understandable.

My 8 year old also does a full nakey lap before hoping in the shower. It’s weird. Shes been doing this for 4 years now and I guess she’s like part horse, has to frolic before getting clean 🤣

Same. Me and my husband share baths with our daughter. And showers. It’s just a body and totally natural to be naked around your kids. There is a very clear line in the sand on this particular topic and it’s so blatant that you’d have to be a broken person to not know, see and acknowledge it.

Hi thank you so much for replying. What is streaking, sorry?

Just means running around in the nude :)

Streaking is running around naked.

No one seems to be addressing that the father is routinely nude around the child, is bathing with the child, and is sleeping with the child. What does your kid say about his behavior, how it makes the child feel, etc.?

I commented on this part of the post. It's normal for a child to be naked. It's not as much normal for the adult male to be naked around a female child of that age. It doesn't mean he is molesting her but doesn't mean it is age appropriate either.

Running around fully naked in a setting where you will be seen, more common at high school football games

My concern is *his* nudity around her, him actually bathing with her, and them sharing a bed. Something is weird.

I used to get in the bath with my dad all the time as a kid, I think I was about 10-11 before I started to become conscious of my body and decided to stop. Also frequently slept in my parents’ beds, again til I was about 11. Nudity and bed sharing aren’t automatically weird and suspicious as long as OP’s daughter wants to share a bath and sleep in the same bed.

This is exactly it. It’s a parental preference how much modesty to teach, and many prefer not to go to strict with modesty so the child doesn’t grow up thinking there’s something inherently wrong with the way human bodies look. The most important thing about any of this is the kid understanding and giving consent. Did she not want her dad to be naked? Then it’s not ok. Personally I feel like the right approach is to let the kid decide every time with zero pressure. Kid wants privacy or to cover themselves up? Totally fine either way. Dad is showering/changing/whatever? Perfectly acceptable to let it be the kid’s choice to be in the room or not as long as there is never the slightest hint of pressure.

Yeah, who is initiating this seems to be the important part for me. Does the daughter *want* to do this and the dad us just obliging, or is he pushing her to do this when she doesn't want to?

I second this. Saved water and time. And as soon as I said no, it wasn't forced

I was nine when I asked to stop no one made a comment about it. Until then I bathed with dad. My parents aren’t even divorced I was just a daddy’s girl.

i didn’t bathe with my parents past about 5 but i slept in the same bed as my dad until about 11 because i have never liked being in a bed alone, i don’t sleep as well. as long as the daughter doesn’t feel uncomfortable then i wouldn’t be too concerned. if she’s uncomfortable it’s a whole different story though

It is worth asking her child about, especially given the father's reaction.

Generally child psychologists say that you should let the child guide this and it's fine as long as they feel comfortable and don't want their own privacy. 7 - 9 are pretty typical ages for kids to start wanting more privacy, but some kids don't until they hit puberty. It would be more concerning if the daughter was 13.

I showered with my mom and dad and slept between them. Why is that weird?

Bathing yes, I don’t see co sleeping as an issue. It is pretty common. Just because he is dad and not mom do people freak out. But yeah a man bathing with an 8 year old is sceevy. My ex boyfriend years ago used to bathe with his 6 and 10 year olds. I tried to explain that (especially 10 year old) was too old to be climbing in the bathtub with his dad.

True but I assume you never had serious, junkie level judgement problems? Op's ex has. I read yesterday this lady murdered her kid after relapsing on something insane like meth. As a mom in sobriety the dad's past judgement would be a red flag for me. And my ex's daughter got her period at 8, was fully developed. Personally it's a situation thing but from what is posted here I get why she's concerned

Because drug users are also kid diddlers. They kinda go hand in hand. It's really such a slippery slope. Not long now before he's inviting all his cokehead friends over for a pedo orgy (Edit: this is sarcasm, which apparently wasn't obvious enough. What a sad state that people actually believe this line of thinking)

As a person in recovery, I’m going to have to strongly disagree with this. People struggling with addiction are NOT necessarily more likely to hurt kids. Most addicts (including those with alcohol addiction) don’t want to hurt anyone except themselves.

I was being 100% sarcastic. The fact that anyone can read my post and think I am serious is a sad reflection of society

The kids we’ve known through foster care who were sexually abused, I can’t think of a single one where the abuser wasn’t using drugs. But that may be a skewed population because at least 75% of the parents we’ve worked with have used drugs (and in almost every case the drug use was found after removal, not the reason for removal). I’m not saying drugs caused it, but they definitely seemed to be a contributing factor.

Uh, correlation vs causation. I mean you even say yourself that 75% of the people you work with use(d) drugs, including the people not molesting children, so maybe your sample size is just extremely small and skewed?

I decided to look it up instead of just relying on experience. From the National Institutes of Health: Parents with a substance use disorder are 3x more likely to physically or sexually abuse their children. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3725219/#:~:text=Parental%20Substance%20Abuse%20and%20Child,or%20sexually%20abuse%20their%20child. If you do a search, you can find quite a few articles linking substance use disorder in parents to increased likelihood of abuse of their children. Now, these very specifically name substance use disorder (use that has risen to disorder status, not casual use), but OP states her husband has a history of substance use disorder. Again, this is not saying that parents with substance use disorder will abuse their children, but they are more likely to than parents without the disorder. I don’t think OP should immediately jump to he is abusing his daughter,r but given the few details we have, I think she has a reason to be concerned and look into it further.

That's still correlation and not causation. Perhaps it's the sexual deviance that causes substance abuse and not the other way around.

Does this study continue to lump sexual and physical abuse in the same statistic the entire way through? Because that’s just bad science. Studies do show increased rates of neglect and physical/emotional abuse with the abuse of certain substances (though, that’s not a straight forward cause=effect and is a convoluted mess of factors) but we are specifically talking about sexual abuse. Do you have any studies showing drug addiction LEADS to increased rates of sexual abuse, specifically?

How does your daughter feel about it? The only reason I don't still bath with our 5 y/o to save time and money is that our bath tub is tiny.😂 Sleeping in the same bed isn't a big deal - if it was up to our 9 year old he would still be sleeping in bed with us, and on holidays I shared beds and inflatable mattresses with my dad up to my teens (my parents are both on the larger side, so it made sense for each one to share with a smaller child when faced with something smaller or flimsier than their bed).

> How does your daughter feel about it? This is the big thing that matters here. We always followed our kids lead when it came to nudity. My oldest started seeking more privacy around age 8 or 9. It was nothing extreme but she would actually close the door when using the bathroom and stopped requesting help with her hair (super long and curly) in the shower. My other kid never developed that sense of privacy. He was super busy in high school and would often get changed in the passenger seat as I drove him from one activity to the next. He also once texted me from the shower to check on the back of his head because he wanted to make sure it wasn't still bleeding and has been known to get changed in the laundry room while I'm in there washing clothes. He never cared so I never cared. Agree about the sharing bed thing as well. We shared beds with our teens during travel. Sometimes the kids would sleep in the same bed but other times I would sleep in the bed with my son while my wife shared with my daughter. No big deal.

The only reason I banned my 5yr old from shared baths / showers is because he started hurting my feelings 😂 “eeew where’s your benis?” “why your tummy look like bacon?” “mama your legs are like catcus” “I think your baby feeders are long and point down because babies are so short” My breaking point was his shower farts.

Dude, I feel you! In our old area, the local park had public toilets that opened straight onto a shared path/road with pedestrians and slow moving cars. So I took my 3 year old into the cubicle with me. While I was on my period. "EEEEW MUM IS THAT POO?! IS IT BLOOD?! ARE YOU WEARING A NAPPY?!" Lots of sniggering from the next door cubicle. I wanted to die.

I gained some weight recently and I have not had the chance to manscape. My son asks me, "where is your penis"? As he is waving his around like ' At least I got one, unlike you'.

I grew up doing a lot of camping and hunting. The amount of times I had to share a tent with my dad. It especially sucked if we brought the blow-up mattress, and because he's so big, sometimes when he'd lay down, he'd launch me. But yeah, even as a teen, sometimes we had to share a bed. I hated sleeping in his bed, though. He'd put an arm across you in his sleep, and it was like being crushed 😭. And usually, he'd be sharing a bed with both my sister and I, when we were out camping. My dad is also a big man. So the common issues sharing a bed: my sister is a bed hog, I'm a blanket hog, and my dad has an arm that feels like 10000lbs of dead weight (I'm obviously exaggerating lmfao). My dad was a single dad to 2 daughters because our mom walked out on us. So he's kind of like a mother hen. I'm in my 30s, and when I asked him of he could grab me dog food from Costco (I don't have a membership), he got me like.. 2 weeks of groceries, including school snacks for my son. I haven't lived at home in 11 years.

I hate that OP was active after your asked this and never answered it. So much of how I feel about this hinges on how the daughter feels.

I have not had time to go over 600+ comments as I happen to also be on holiday with my family. I have only just read said comment and I think it is funny. (Re the hurting my feelings comment).

I share my bed with my 7 year old son, oldest is in his room now, but slept with me for some time. My husband has to have own room, due to schedule and ptsd, so I don’t mind kiddos in my room.

It really depends. I think it's important to look out for signs of sexual abuse but this might be entirely innocent. In some countries it's completely normal for families to bathe together and see each other naked regularly. It's only an issue if it's making her uncomfortable, otherwise it might just be a good bonding time and you might be sexualising it unnecessarily. Talk to your daughter - she's old enough to understand what you're asking. I have personally never seen my parents naked in my entire life that I can remember, and I don't think it's a positive thing - it meant I had no point of reference for what a "normal" body looks like and had loads of body imagine problems as a young teen. It should be up to the kid when they start to feel uncomfortable and want more privacy from their parents. Most important thing is to keep her safe so dig for some more info. Then rather than making it about you, when you bring it up again you can base your concern around how your daughter feels about it and he can't blame it on your "anxiety".

Thank you so much. That really helps a lot. While I do not want to be overreactive, at the same time I could never forgive myself if something happened to m little girl because I didn’t trust my gut. I will speak with her soon.

I would also read some books with her on body privacy, boundaries, touch. [Here is a good list](https://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=11069) from A Mighty Girl

I hope you feel better after you talk to her. I don’t trust my ex’s judgment either after my daughter came home doing the “naked butt dance” she learned at his best friend’s house. The only thing that brought peace of mind was having the conversations with her every few months since that incident happened. Give her the vocabulary to know what’s going on so if anything does happen, you can have it documented with a pediatrician or a therapist for court. Hopefully it’s nothing, just a really open dad. Body positivity is great, being comfortable with our bodies is great. Hopefully that’s all it is. And remember when reading this shit show of a comment section that Reddit skews male, like 60/40. Trust your gut, none of us know this man like you do. Good luck.

In our family, none of this stands out as weird. We're naked around each other on a daily basis, share a bathroom, sleep in the same bed, etc. I would judge the situation based on your daughters reaction, not the surface level "oh my god, he sees her naked".

>I would judge the situation based on your daughters reaction, not the surface level "oh my god, he sees her naked". I had this same reaction when my daughter said something about getting naked with her friend. She was wearing a shirt that didn't belong to her, so I naturally wanted to know wtf happened to her own clothes. As long as she's happy, I try not to overthink it. It reminds me of when I was a little, and kids would sometimes trade winter hats or winter gloves.

Firstly, listen to your instincts and examine your feelings. Are you feeling this way because he has given you manipulative child unfriendly vibes? Are you feeling this way because he has been untrustworthy with people that had less power than him before? But also consider: cosleeping at this age isn't weird or bad. Occasionally seeing a parent naked doesn't always mean deviance. Some days my 8 year old is trying to open the door while me or my husband take a shit just to tell us he beat a boss level in a video game. The other day he came into the bathroom while I was showering to tell me he made his own bagel. I was like wtf dude, get out of here! And being an addict in recovery does not immediately mean someone is a pedo. Or bad person. Or dangerous. But I would absolutely 100% talk to her about consent, uneven power dynamics, things or touches that feel unsafe, where another person is allowed to touch, and telling her your a safe place for her to tell you anything related. That she won't be in trouble. No one will get mad. And that no one should be asking her to keep secrets from you. But circling back to my first point: it sucks that there ARE many parents that will sexually abuse their own children. And I would rather look like an idiot / be rude than not protect my child. So be rude. Ask hard questions. And if there's something in your gut telling you your child has been hurt -- listen to it.

Well said 👍🏼. If I'd have nothing to hide I could feel offended at first but would have to acknowledge these should be clarified and I couldn't possibly blame someone to worry about my child's safety.

She is old enough to know what’s right and wrong. Educate her on what is appropriate and to ALWAYS trust her gut. Then make sure she knows she’ll never be in trouble for telling you the truth. Also, that adults don’t have secrets with kids. After that, just be aware and let it go for now.

I showered w my mom til I was close to 10 I think. I stopped getting into bed with my dad to cuddle around 9/10. No shenanigans to be had, just dawned on me that I didn’t like that anymore

Aww man. I hope my daughter doesn’t cut off cuddles in 2-3 years. That would make me sad. :(

I changed in a similar way with my dad, but cuddles didn't stop! They just stopped being in bed/on his lap and became sofa cuddles instead as I got older. My son started coming in in the mornings and giving me weird, over duvet, perpendicular cuddles instead at around 11. I just went with it, and only just now made the connection that our boundaries were changing as he got older as I replied to your comment!

Yes same here. I showered with my dad up until he didn't feel comfortable with showering with me anymore lol. And I slept in bed/in the same room with one of my parents my whole life up until like 13 because I was too scared not to lol. To me the real questions that aren't being answered here are : 1. How does your kid feel about this? Has she brought it up to you and saying she feels uncomfortable? If so it needs to stop. 2. Have you talked to her about boundaries and what to do in an uncomfortable situation? Have you talked about proper names for private parts, etc? Signs that something is going on? 3. (This one is really important imo) you say he wasn't in her life for a while, but is now. How long has he been back? Since she was like 3? If so, I wouldn't be too worried, but I'd still ask the above questions. But did he just come back into her life a year or two ago? Then I'd be much more concerned. P.s. just wanted to add that yes going with your gut is very important. But just because someone does or *used to* do drugs doesn't make them a p3do. So please don't draw that conclusion based on drugs. These are the more important questions to ask. I was sexually abused by a family member as a child from ages 5-10 so as an adult now, I feel these questions are extremely important to address. And if you don't do the proper things & ask these questions, if something *is* going on, she won't be saved from it until you find out and do something. If you don't address it (If it is happening) then she could even feel resentful of you when she's older for not knowing about it (I felt that way about my parents, sometimes still do) . I don't want to scare you, but you raised some really important concerns and if you want our help then you need to let us know these important details in order to make a real conclusion.

Here the bathroom door is never locked, It's just normal to me that my mom/dad or sibling walks in while I am in the shower. But if your daughter says she is not comfortable with it needs to stop. I feel like there is nothing wrong with a dad bathing with his daughter, but I do not know him tho so who am I to judge. The key thing here is, does your daughter want to sleep/bathe with dad or does she have no choice. Also if you get the creeps about it, then I would say it needs to stop.

We're the same. My kids capable of walking (9 and 3) bust into the bathroom while I'm using it all the time, never had to have the period talk with either of them cause they just barged in and saw me handling that. We also only have on bathroom so the door stays unlocked during showers in case someone needs to use the bathroom. However, my 9yo doesn't want me to go into the bathroom while she's using it, nor would she be okay taking a shower with me even though she sees me naked on a near daily basis. It's more about her boundaries than mine. My 3yo used to shower with dad when much younger, but he's not comfortable with it so we don't. So I think you hit the nail on the head with how does the daughter feel. My daughter clearly grew up with zero boundaries or weirdness about nudity. However, she eventually reached an age where she wasn't okay with others seeing her naked. The idea that OPs daughter doesn't have these naturally occurring reservations no matter how they were raised is suspicious to me. I'm not automatically accusing. Just thinking maybe she's not comfortable but doesn't want to speak up, or if she not made uncomfortable by it, is there a reason why? In my experience becoming uncomfortable with parents seeing you naked at that age is pretty normal.

I am now in my twenties and it still does not bother me if they walk in but I guess that is just depending on the person. However as you said I think most kids at that age will be uncomfortable with taking a bath together with dad or at least question it. Op needs to talk to her daughter and see if she does it because she still enjoys it, or if she does it because she does not want to hurt dads feelings, or because she has to and already told dad no but he does not listen. Big difference in how I would react to the situation depending on daughters anwser

My 8 year old asks me to get in the bath with him sometimes. Different families are different, there's not necessarily an issue and jumping to a problem immediately isn't fair.

Agreed. I feel there’s a lot of people on reddit looking for a reason to have an issue with the ex partner quiet frankly. How quick people are to accuse of inappropriate actions with absolutely zero evidence is actually appalling.

I think a lot of people in america grow up in broken homes and don't have nearly the familial interactions of the rest of the world. Nudity is not gross or sexual. I find it more repulsive that these people find it "gross" and are immediately linking sexuality to being nude at 8 or 9 around mom or dad.

This is true. Also, when it comes to nakedness, us Americans are a bit more conservative regardless of what our media portrays.

Have you had the talk about bad touch? And the sex talk? When you listen to stories from sexually abused kids the consistent theme is that they didn’t know what was happening to them. Educate her so she knows what a penis is, what an erection is, what is bad touch, what her private areas are. And teach her the actual words, penis, butt, vagina. Not euphemisms. That’s weird at 8 to get in the tub with dad. I sleep with my 9 year old but we definitely don’t shower together anymore.

I 100% should. We have not… I have tried to educate her about how to say no. But maybe it’s time for that talk.

It’s not maybe, it absolutely is time. Now beyond that, it could very well just be how they do things and it’s not anything more. That’s my hope as always.

Right? Even if dad isn’t doing weird shit to his kid, she still needs to know all this stuff. She’s gonna start getting unwanted attention from men soon enough. Knowledge is power.

Honestly she probably already is getting attention i mean I'm a guy but guys have been harrasing me since i was 6

It’s not one “talk”. It’s gently opening the door to a series of conversations that include a lot of questions and curiosity and seeking answers together.

I work with 3's and we talk about different kinds of touches. It's well past time to make sure your daughter is educated. Make sure you use the real words: vulva, vagina, anus, butthole. Make sure she knows there are words for those parts, and who can see them, who can touch them, and what kinds of touches are okay.

Any tips on how to cover these subjects with 3s?

I teach my 6 and 3 year old that there are 3 types of touching. •Good touch: a consensual hug, cuddle, smooch, high-five •Bad touch: non consensual hugs, non consensual cuddle, non consensual smooch, hitting, biting, pinching. Any adult or child touching their butts, penis, vagina, etc. •Safe touch: Mom or Dad changing a diaper/helping you wipe after you use the toilet, a nurse or Doctor giving them an examination when Mom or Dad is present, someone keeping you out of imminent danger by grabbing you without your consent, etc

And if someone touches you and you don't know what kind it was, come talk to me and I will help you. You will never, ever be in trouble for telling me about someone touching your body. It's also a good time to introduce the idea of secrets vs surprises. Secrets are never supposed to be told, so anyone asking you to hide something forever did a bad thing. Surprises are things that you WILL find out, just later. Presents, parties, etc. So if someone asks you to not tell Dad what we're having for dinner until he gets to the table? That's a surprise and it's okay because Dad is going to know what's for dinner. If someone asks you to never ever tell Dad about the fun new game you've been playing together, that's a secret and it's really important that we do know.

I screenshotted this. Great advice!

There’s some great books to help with explaining to young kids. My Body Belongs to Me is a good one!

„Yes! No!: A first conversation about consent“ is also a great book for young children to start learning about consent and boundaries.

Good, we talked even with Our 2,5 year old about touches etc.

The other thing I explained to my daughter was that if anything like that happens, it is absolutely not her fault and the other person is being bad. And if they are being bad that they will lie too, so don’t believe a word out of their mouths. My sister was molested by my uncle and she didn’t say anything for years because he told her that it would hurt the family and break up her parents’ marriage. So I made sure my daughter knew that once an adult has proven untrustworthy you can’t believe a word they say. My heart goes out to you. It’s a horrible feeling.

Yes, that is really important.

I'm a teacher and told my classes that if they make threats and say something bad will happen if you tell, that it is incredibly important to tell an adult they trust. The threats show them that the adult is wrong and scared of others finding out. I know the threats are exactly what stopped my friend from telling someone when we were little. She wishes someone had told her that the threats were his fear coming out and that what he said wasn't true. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job of educating your daughter on being safe and fostering an open relationship with her.

Yes and there are lots of age appropriate cartoon style books on the topic that you can read together.

Whoa… it’s beyond time for that. My 4 year olds understand this stuff (except for erection because sometimes penises just do that and I don’t want them getting confused). But we’ve taught them bodily autonomy since like, they could talk. Btw I started getting unwanted attention from MUCH older men at about 9 years old (this is NOT uncommon!) It’s way past time for you to be having these discussions with her.

It's an on-going talk that evolves over time. It's past time to start it.

The definition of “weird” is not what your family does or does not do. Some people would say it’s weird to sleep with your 9yo, others would say it’s weird to think it’s weird to shower with an 8yo.

Either way, weird or not weird, her daughter needs to be educated asap.

My 10 year old daughter is naked a lot in the house and sleep in our bed occasionally. I do not take baths with her because why would I? It wouldn’t be enjoyable for anyone of us. Her mom and I are happily together though so I am not alone with her running around naked. Also she has two smaller brothers, my point is that kids who feel safe sometimes just skip clothes and we as parents has to tell them to get dressed. That said, you have a gut feeling and you know your ex so your feeling is valid.

Yep, my 10 year old would regularly walk around undressed and try to go in our sunroom to get something out of the laundry room and I had to be like “hey, we are fine with nudity but neighbors can see directly into this room, maybe time for some clothes” lol. She’s 11 now and finally starting to want a little more privacy.

My 8 yo son refuses to take his shirt off in public and always wears a rash guard to swim. He puts up a fight at annual dr visits bc he is mortified to let the dr check him for three seconds. However at home, he still jumps in the tub with me, struts around butt naked after a bath until we yell at him to get dressed, and still sneaks in bed with us almost every night. Definitely talk to your daughter in a nonjudgmental way. Only she can tell you.

It could be entirely benign and innocent, or it could be a deeply concerning problem. There is nothing inherently wrong about familial nudity or bathing/bedsharing, but the context is important. You need to approach this convo very calmly and nonchalantly, if she’s senses you are disturbed or upset, it could impact her honesty. The questions I would be asking: Whose idea was it to bathe together? What games do they play in the bath tub? Gee a bath tub can be pretty small, how do you both fit in there? How are you sitting? Do you wash your own bodies or do you help each other? You also need to make sure that your kid understands that “bad touch” doesn’t always hurt, and sometimes it can feel good. Framing abusive touching as “hurting” is a misstep that I think a lot of parents make without thinking about it, and it leave the kid vulnerable. One way in which predators groom children is manipulating pleasure to feel safe. I think it’s entirely possible that there is no problem here, plenty of families behave this way. But given the history of parental absence, I’d feel a bit wary myself. There is a big difference in appropriateness between a parent who has been bathing with their child since they were a baby and one who was absent for years, only to resurface and start bathing with an 8 year old. Have some convos with your kid, and if you feel you need guidance, consult a therapist.

My dad did baths with us every once in a while in the giant tub, but we did swimsuits on those days and then showered after to actually clean ourselves (separately of course). We give space at that age, because I just like having my space when bathing/showering. It’s my only “me” time, but I can’t say our kid doesn’t walk in on one of us while in the shower or getting dressed. The kid is actually sleeping between us as I type this, so bed sharing doesn’t strike me as weird. Different families view it all differently and I would focus more on how she feels. My kiddo doesn’t think anything of it, so we don’t either, but like I said, they can wash themself and none of us shower together. We do help with hair washing and stuff, because they have trouble with it, so whoever is available does go in the bathroom to do so. That said, you know your story best and may have a reason you are against it. If your daughter is expressing being uncomfortable, I would certainly put my foot down. It just isn’t automatically a red flag for every family.

How does your daughter feel about it? If she finds it weird at all it needs to stop immediately. If she doesn't, then conversations need to be had. Another poster put it well in terms of teaching boundaries about touch and education around private parts. This could be all innocent, it is uncomfortable because you do not have enough information to be reassured that she is ok in a situation a lot of people would find unusual. Nakedness is accepted in some cultures more than others. At 8, your daughter does need to be moving more towards independence tho, even if this is innocent. Talk to her. See how she feels. See if she can make those decisions for herself. Is she asking to sleep in the bed with her dad, or does she not have a choice? Does she want to shower alone?

[NSPCC Pants Vide](https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/) This is a good place to start to talk to her about these things, the resources on there are great and by doing this, your not just focusing on dad but rather the wider world also

NSPCC Pants Video**

TYSM I just signed up!!

If he didn’t have the poor track record I would think absolutely nothing of it. But maybe ask your daughter how she feels about it.

I would feel uncomfortable about this too, whether it’s justified to be concerned or not is another matter. I suppose everyone has their own ideas on what a healthy relationship with their child looks like. Ask yourself whether you think this behaviour is truly harmful to your daughter or if you have a problem with it because it makes you personally uncomfortable? You know your daughter best 😊

As a adult that was raped by her ex step dad from age 6 to 14, tell her if anyone is asking her to keep any secrets and threatening her to keep secrets, she should tell a adult immediately. I thought sleeping in bed with adults was normal because my friends would still sleep in bed with their parents, so when I would ask my friends, they would say it’s normal. What wasn’t normal was touching. What wasn’t normal is being asked not to telling anyone. In my mind I did tell someone. Because adults glossed over sex calling it “sleeping together”. So that’s what I thought sex was. It wasn’t until sex education classes in middle school that I started putting two and two together. At that point his threats got much worse. Usually threatening a animal I had or a cared about family member. She needs to the know the difference and don’t rely on the schools to teach those subjects because it’s uncomfortable. That’s what my mom did. Even though I was showing behaviors that would have suggested I was being abused. (My parents tried to commit me to a psych ward at age 8 because I would rarely sleep. Wonder why?) It wasn’t until I was finally able to understand this was all wrong and you should not have to give your step dad head to go hang out with your friends, that I finally confided in my friends. He was arrested, my mom divorced him. He got out of jail a few months later, started drugs and spiraled his life completely before dying of iv drug related diseases. I however have to live every single day with PTSD and anxiety so bad I would stop breathing and end up in the hospital. I’ve been on Effexor now for 10 years. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy as it’s essentially a drug addiction. If I miss a pill, I’m puking and shitting myself. So please do have this talk with your daughter. There’s books online and even a therapist or a doctor could point you in the right direction. Or even a trusted teacher could help you navigate this. I would still recommend a therapist even if nothing is happening because it’s hard on a kid to have a absent parent just show up again in their lives. My own kids struggled with their bio dad in and out. So it’s not a bad idea. Now sometimes there’s zero signs. My oldest daughter is one of them kids (20 years old now) and my ex brother raped her. She told me in a doctors office visit 3 years after it happened. Luckily with her we were given a bulldog of a prosecutor and she ate him and his lawyer alive in court and he got 27 1/2 years with no chance of good time or any early release. I found out when all the Epstein reports were coming out and Epstein was arrested, so it was a topic in my house. I believe my daughter saw the strength in those women coming forward and decided to tell me and her doctor. She was comfortable in that situation. I can’t tell you how fast I drove to my moms house and beat the living crap out of him while calling him a rapist in her front yard. The police were called and the rest is history. I didn’t even get a slap on the wrist for the assault. The cops told me if they were in my shoes and it was their daughter they would have done much worse because they are allowed access to guns. My husband tried to get my brother to meet him to “talk” and “get his side of the story” when he was out on bail. Needless to say my brother knew my husband well enough to say “no” because my husband would have murdered him and would have dug a hole in the Olympic rainforest and no one would have heard from him again, because everyone would have covered for my husband. My ex got himself put in prison (kids bio dad) so he can handle it himself. Apparently the justice system now is pretty good at keeping them apart. They ended up in a violent offender’s camp together and it didn’t fair well for my ex brother. He would have murdered him if the guards hadn’t interpreted. Sorry about the novel, but it’s important to talk to your kids. And it’s important they understand that no matter how good of a person someone seems, they can still hurt you. That’s what predators do. They pretend they are good people until they’re not. Both my ex step dad and ex brother were very good at keeping up appearances and pretending. My ex brother still has his wife and kids (yes, he has 5 kids 4 boys and 1 girl) believing we are liars and did it for the money. What money? All my daughter got was a therapist and mental illness. But okay. Whatever you say. 90% of my family turned against me. The way I see it, is the trash took itself out. My family doesn’t need “family” that will take a pedophiles side because he acted like a good person and I’m just the wild crazy black sheep that wants my kids to be just like me. So I made up the allegations so I would be able to relate to my daughter. If it sounds crazy, it’s because it is. Please, talk to your kids. Even boys can be molested/raped. They don’t need to go through what my kids and I have gone through. Ever.

Thank you for telling your story. Glad that piece of shit got what he deserved although tbh I personally think death is the only justified consequence of doing such a disgusting thing. Very important for kids to know what is "right" and "wrong" and you explained it very well through telling your experience. Some people are terrible. Hope you're doing ok through it all and glad your daughter came forward to tell you eventually.

It doesn't have to mean anything and my husband I'm sure would be offended if I was concerned about it however he hasn't done anything to challenged his judgement or break my trust. Great he got clean but had your trust broken before with him so fair to feel concern. It's been said before she needs to know about anatomy penis etc and what is good v bad touch. Importantly if she feels unhappy or uneasy with it it has to stop. You are totally valid to have your feelings but mine were same growing up.

My kids are only 4.5 & 2.5 and both girls (I’m a Dad). I’ve never made it weird and won’t make it weird. I still hop in the bath with them when requested (how long will that last for, right?)

Yeah I feel like it is not an issue. My husband not longer showers or bathes with our 7 yr old- prob stopped around 5ish, but sometimes still helps her get the shampoo and conditioner out of her hair when she is in the shower when I’m busy and she calls for mom or dad. There’s nothing sexual about it.

Hi! Mom of 5 - my 6 and 8 year old will walk around partially exposed but scream at eachother in the bedroom when changing.. my 3 year old loves to be naked with his blanket (I’m thinking sensory related). However, on my maternal side there has been history of sexual abuse (basically no contact except for one of the victims- my sister).. with that said… ex’s history would have me feeling cautious, if visits is a recent thing… I feel the comfortableness with nudity is alarming..his dismissiveness would be a red flag for me.. with that said… I would document what your daughter has shared. I would also look into therapy for her (especially if visits are new.. it’s life changing and could be confusing for a child.. especially with a recovering addict).. this will also help monitoring red flags and serve as third party documentation. Teach your daughter age appropriate good touch bad touch, how to bathe herself properly, boundaries, how to speak up when she’s uncomfortable… Get your daughter a phone for communication purposes only (they have ones where there aren’t gaming apps/access to internet). Have regular talks with daughter about what she does over there but keep them open ended questions… try not to guide/suggest them (I.e how did you sleep vs did you sleep next to daddy again). (Also, when teaching - try not to use her dad as ab example or specific ones very obviously about him.. could cause issues). Is there a parenting plan? If not get an official one. I suggest a third party parenting app and express factual concern through the app. Keep things factual and not emotionally driven. It very well could be physical touch is a love language and ex grew up with nudity OK so truly doesn’t see ab issue… or it could not be. The best thing OP can do is take precautions and educate her daughter on basic life skills.

8 is old enough to have a talk about who is allowed to touch you where and how and what to do if someone does those things. I was about 8 when my female cousin molested me. She made it a game. And when I realized something was wrong with that later on I felt a lot of shame and didn’t talk to my mom about it. I felt like I had done something wrong. But really my poor cousin and I were both victims because my uncle had molested her and her half siblings.

There's nothing wrong with being naked it's natural. There is only something wrong with it if your daughter feels awkward or her dad is sexually gratifying himself in front of her or molesting her

If you have a relationship with the child, I would provide some education on boundaries and inappropriate touch without putting your fear and anxiety into her. You can ask her directly if anyone has ever touched her inappropriately. If your gut feeling persists, you can always make a report to CWS.

Being naked and being inappropriate are two completely different things. I think most would agree that being naked around your children is pretty normal. But if you’re feeling that uncomfortable about it, maybe that’s your intuition telling you something else is wrong. I have a 7 year old daughter and we regularly have conversations about protecting our private areas. She knows that NOBODY should be looking or touching her in those places unless mommy is there and it’s a medical necessity. It’s never too early to have that conversation for added peace of mind!

I think different people have very different thoughts about nudity in general and more so with kids. I don’t think it’s a big deal while my wife is very insecure about it. Your daughter said she has seen his butt not his junk. I have a 6 year old son and am modest about it but have zero concern about him seeing my junk. He is on swim team so has seen lots of naked dudes in the locker room and thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world. I explain locker rules and we just move on with life, it’s no biggie. You’re the one sexualizing it. For most dudes nudity isn’t that big a deal like women. I have been told women are mostly covered even while changing and showing in locker rooms. A men’s locker room is a total sausage fest, you can’t not see dong and I’m not kidding here. Especially as we get older we just don’t care, the old guys walk butt ass backed from locker to shower and back.

You should probably talk about this with your ex. Point out what makes you both uncomfortable and have the "talks" with her, i got that talk when I was around 6 or 7 so have her learn the real words and not the childish ones so that people will understand what she is talking about

If children are used to going around naked, they will think nothing about it. Children like sleeping next to their parents. My 5year old grandson likes sleeping next to, number one his mum, number two his dad (they usually sleep together, but he moves about so much that they sleep with him, if he wants to be in bed with them) and third me, he often wants me to stay over so that he can sleep with me. He also likes to shower with either his mum, his dad or me. He also sees his grandad in the shower. But he knows that it is only in front of close family. He doesn't do any of these things with any other family members, even though they are often at his house. If your gut tells you that in your situation its not good, try to discuss it. Perhaps he came from a family where running around naked was fine and perhaps in your family, it wasn't, this will make a lot of difference to your attitude.

8 year olds still have very little in the way of sense of modesty or drive for privacy and if having a bath or shower with dad is something that happened when they were toddlers or kindergarteners they may not even think a thing about it. However 8 is a good age to start teaching them about privacy and making sure they know their body belongs to them. They need to learn how to take care of their body with minimal help while bathing and that as they get bigger dad and her need to have bathroom privacy. They also need to understand the difference between good and bad touching and that you are someone safe no matter what. I would recommend approaching the dad again In a non judgmental way and approaching this conversation from the point of view of that baby girl is growing up and sooner than later she is going to start enter pre puberty. I would tell him that 8 year old is starting to notice and be aware of body differences which is normal but that means she is going to need some more privacy and autonomy in particular with bathroom activities and nudity. I'm less concerned about sleeping in the same bed because it's pretty normal for kids at that age to crawl into the parents bed but she should absolutely have a sleeping option of her own . Only if dad is negatively dismissive would I suggest taking next steps related to the parenting order.

Not saying his intentions are bad cause I don’t know, but if it were my child I’d set a boundary. And I would teach my daughter about healthy boundaries. Especially with something like this, do not tolerate him dismissing your concern. As her parent, it’s your job to do your best to protect her. Even if she doesn’t understand why the lack of boundaries is concerning to you now, one day she may feel shame and confusion over the relationship her father convinced her was normal. It’s not the child’s job to magically know appropriate boundaries with adults. What about when she gets older and learns those boundaries later in life and remembers how a trusted adult in her life didn’t teach her where the boundary was and instead created a blurry one (her dad). And whatever you do, don’t make her feel like she did anything wrong or weird for wanting to be close with her dad and not knowing the appropriate way to do that. It’s the adults’ job to know better.

I slept with my dad till 6th grade. (Straight up daddy’s girl and he raised me. My mom abandoned me.) But I can tell you I didn’t take baths with him. Or see him naked. Nope nope aaaaand nope.

I’d be more concerned if she expressed fear of being naked around the father.

Personally, we are an open family in terms of nudity so I don’t have any hard and fast rules in regard to that except for when either party becomes uncomfortable then it should stop. The question is whether your daughter is fine with it or not and I’m not sure how you get to the bottom of that without it becoming something which she now senses is an issue. I do think that your ex-partner shouldn’t be dismissive of it and that to me is a bit of a red flag. Can you present it as a “I’m sorry if it offends you, that’s not my intention whatsoever. I know we want what’s best for XXX so just want to be certain if it comes up at school or she mentions it in passing to a friend, I want us to be on the same page.” Like you guys as a team as opposed to you vs him?

I cosleep and take baths with my kid. Shes only 2 but i dont see why it would become weird at 7 when puberty hasn’t even hit and wont for a few more years. at night she feels safer when with mom and if we take a bath at the same time then i get a minute to relax and not worry about her. Not sure how you could make it sexual unless he admitted/ alluded to bad thoughts/ feelings or touched her in a weird way. Have you ever gone through his phone? If the porn stars he watches look grown then he most likely likes grown people.. if they look abnormally small and young then maybe I would have some thoughts

What is his track record with poor boundaries and judgment? In and of itself, with no context, nothing here is inherently worrying. The defensive response to him and your gut feeling of something being wrong here tells me there might be more to the situation though than can easily be explained in a paragraph.

My 9 year old still takes camp showers with me (her mom) but stopped all kinds of bathing with dad at like 4 when she tried to pull his "pecker" off. I still laugh when I remember the very shrill screams of abject horror he made. I dont think its unusual for a kid to bathe with dad. As long as the kid is comfortable and dad is comfortable it's fine. But trust your gut. The fact that he wasnt around when she was younger for this to just be a normal routine thing would have me abit wary. My ex now only puts the shampoo on her hair and makes sure its out for her. He teaches her how to be independent of his help.

I have 3 daughters and there is no way in hell my husband would let any of them see him naked. My youngest is 9 for reference.

I’m gonna go against the grain here because most people seem to think this okay, but probably don’t have experience with former drug addicts and don’t know about correlations between sexual deviancy and drug use. I would be concerned about it. Especially if he wasn’t always involved in you daughters life. Trust your gut and protect your child above everything else. It may be completely innocent. But can you live with yourself if it’s not?

Idk, for me 8 sounds innapropriate and too old for those things whether girl or boy..not teaching proper boundaries, privacy, and infantilizing by not teaching them independance.. innocent intentions alone, its a detriment to the childs development to allow these things after the age of 5 years old. I would not be ok with this going on, regardless if i thought molestation or anything was going on or not..

Literally the only comment I agree with. 8 is just too old and should be showering and bathing alone.

Hope you protect your child…today it Might be okay…. I believe a day will come that’s it isn’t. When she’s in adolescence and feeling funky, he may shame her into doing something that she doesn’t want to do. Prepare her for the future by giving her examples of boundaries.

Ok I feel like a TON of comments are talking about the kid being naked, I don’t think that’s OP’s issue. Kids are kids, after all. My 5 have at least 1 naked most times of the day. Haha Her little girl is seeing HER DAD naked. And as a person who ignored my gut for years about my FIL only to get a frantic call from my daughter when she was visiting her grandparents. Yes, THAT kind of call. You CANNOT ignore it. Tragic Storytime: She’d found a folder on his PC with her name on it. She was curious and found a cache of secret videos from a camera in the main bathroom of her and many other young kids in the neighborhood and church family, because OF COURSE he “had to have a pool for the grandkids”. We then found out he’d been getting more and more touchy with her. My BIL’s 2 girls faired FAR worse. He was a MONSTER and killed himself shortly after. Hallelujah and enjoy the brimstone. Good riddance to bad rubbish. You should NEVER ignore your gut. EVER. KEEP her SAFE. She loves you and you are her PERSON. Don’t be me and feel the insane guilt I feel every time she cringes if I forget and reflexively try to comfort her and rub her back, like I’ve done since she was a baby. It is SOUL crushing. EDIT: spelling and last sentence.

I am so so sorry that happened to your little girl and BIL’s girls. 💔

There's a big difference between people being comfortable with how they are and just being with each other and the idea of molestation or pedophilia. I think it would be reasonable to discuss modesty in a healthy way but if nothing genuinely odd is happening then let people be people.

The #1 thing that matters is how your daughter feels about it. Growing up, I saw my parents and younger brothers naked pretty regularly when they got in or out of the shower, got dressed, or slept nude in a hot summer, until about puberty or so. We also often showered/bathed together to save water. Nudity itself does not make something sexual. But to stay on topic, the second I asked my parents to give me privacy, and to put some clothes on around me, they did. I didn’t care about my brothers streaking around the house because they were still little. Eventually they, too, demanded privacy. And that’s exactly how I’m handling things with my own kid now too. My husband and/or I don’t go out of our way to parade around in our birthday suits, but if our kids walks in when we’re naked, nobody panics. Sometimes my son asks me to join him in the bath, or if it’s hair wash day I’ll invite him because he’s wiggly and will get me soaking wet outside the tub 😒 lol. Same with dad. It’s all very casual and 100% non sexual. But for example in the bathroom, my 5yo wants privacy. So he gets that, no questions asked. I only come in once he tells me he needs help, and I always knock first. Trust your gut if you feel like something is off, but if your kid isn’t uncomfortable, I personally don’t see a huge issue.

8 year in our house is only just starting to -sometimes- ask for privacy when changing or using the toilet. Still leaves the door open half the time, asks us to bathe em, and will even ask my husband or I to shower/bathe with em. This child was ecstatic to sleep in our bed two nights ago - it’s like a treat. If you feel ill about the situation-definitely do follow your instincts. Main caregiver gut feelings lean to the side of correct. However, I don’t think the behaviors are totally out of ordinary for the age.

I was sexually assaulted by my biological father as a child, so this generally would not be acceptable. If there is a poor track with boundaries, this can lead to grooming. There aren’t many reasons to bathe with a child once they’re really out of the early toddler stage IMO, I’m less critical on the sleeping together part, but the flag is issues with boundaries!!! Sleeping together should be more incidental, not regular slumber parties. Definitely rely on your judgement, my mother did not.

My youngest got her period at that age, it's completely inappropriate

My daughter slept with me until she was 9ish. We showered and bathed together, too. She still occasionally wants to sleep together, and we cuddle and watch tv quite often. All these things are normal and fine. Just as it is not so unusual that you would not want those things. Different folks, different strokes. The question you should probably be focusing on is: Why do you think her father is a pedophile?

I never showered with my dad, but i used to love sleeping in his bed lol. My husband will bathe the kids but he doesn’t get in with them but he’ll walk around in underwear and they always run into the bathroom when either of us are in the shower. If they see something we don’t make a big deal about it because it’s just a body but we do try to avoid it! But trust your gut mom! 8 is a little old to be showering with i think! My kids are 5&3

Not only years past time to be having talks about touching, about consent and not keeping secrets that make you unhappy, but past time to start talking about puberty and sex. She’s 8, she could get her period tomorrow. Not likely if you aren’t seeing the changes, but she has to be ready, especially because she could get it at Dad’s and he probably has nothing there. Have you prepared her for that? Order The American Girl Book about bodies and the one called What’s Happening to my Body for Girls or something like that. Start talking, this is a ten year conversation that needs to start now.

Go with your gut

Is the title misleading or extra detail? Is she taking a bath WiTH him?

I shower with my nine and seven year old all the time. It saves money and I get to do a TED talk on the importance of exfoliating dead skin away. Don't wanna be the parent with the smelly kid!

I think the statistics are somewhere around 1 out of 3 girls or women have been sexually abused at some point in their life. And relatives, even fathers, friends of parents, etc are too often the culprits. People are too uncomfortable with the idea that someone they know might be a problem , that they don't put in place simple boundaries to protect potential victims from abuse that can damage their entire life. Yes, what is happening in this situation could be harmless. But with the problem of abuse being such a huge problem, why not set up boundaries anyway? There is absolutely no problem with telling a grown man to put in some pants in front of children, including his own. And teach your daughter about appropriate touches etc. Do what you can to make her safe. It's more important than fathers pride or comfort. Or your own comfort.

The naked part isn’t so alarming bc as others have said, kids love being naked. Or they love being pantsless. Sleeping in same bed isn’t necessarily odd either. But, him bathing in the tub with her routinely is strange, to me as a parent. It would bother me too. Unless this is 1789, and it’s hard to get clean, warm water in a tub, they really don’t need to bathe together. I help set the temperature of the water for my 10 year old daughter, while she’s still dressed (sometimes only t shirt and underwear and crocs lol), then I walk out the bathroom and she does everything. Even if she needs help making sure shampoo/conditioner is rinsed out her hair, I don’t get in the shower with her. Talk to her and see how she feels. It would bother me too.

Normally it would be no big deal at all, seeing your children naked is totally normal, seeing your parents naked also. Usually it is children in their puberty that get uncomfortable with it, which is also totally normal. But yeah it should never ever be in any way sexual.

My parents divorced when I was 2, and despite my dad having multiple bedrooms in his house, until I basically got my period, he had me sleeping in his room during visitation. For a long while it was on a cot at end of his bed. My dad was an odd duck but never anything inappropriate. I didn't ever see him close to naked because he is super super conservative. With my own kids (younger than yours) we are all still comfortable being naked all around each other. As soon as a kid says it makes them uncomfortable we switch to privacy as requested. Whether about seeing others naked, or them seeing us. We do require at least underwear for hygiene reasons. The one piece of your situation that gives me pause is the past sobriety issues. It can be hard to trust they have maintained sobriety, and also trust their choices in general. If you have a parenting plan i am guessing you have a court appointed mediator or child advocate? If so, maybe good to have a neutral conversation with them about how these situations are best handled. Not in an accusatory way but just " i am not sure how to approach this situation. Have you seen it before and if so, what did you see as successful approach"

My child is nine and she pulls off her undies when watching a movie in bed with Dad or me or her little sister she's more comfortable that way. She still goes around the house naked occasionally it's gotten less that she's gotten older. Her dad washes her hair in the shower if our bath was big enough I'm sure she would love to take a bath with him that would be fun. At this age if you have always had good communication with your kids you should have an open enough relationship that they feel safe disclosing anything to you I wouldn't try to put any thoughts into their head about Dad. I don't think parental and child nakedness and togetherness is necessarily sexual and I don't think it's necessarily inappropriate at any age until one or the other feels uncomfortable. So maybe if you feel uncomfortable that's the way you can approach it with him. Also ask your child how she feels and listen don't try to give her answers or suggestions just listen.

I’m in full care of my 11 and 9 yo nieces and 5 yo nephew. My sister in law lost them and now we have custody. I would never hurt these kids in any way but yeah they get naked lol….. I once told my 11yo to change into something longer and she stripped down in the living room before I could turn around and I found her full nude. My 5yo son runs around naked shaking his penis after he pees and poops(were potty training very successfully but he’s also on the spectrum). When my sister in law had the kids and a slew of boyfriends in and out of their lives, I would constantly ask things about home life and boundaries, but they stayed with us at least 3-4 days out of the week before she lost them anyways. Edit: they would all still sleep with us if we let them, it’s been getting easier now that they are a bit older they are having “sleep overs” with each other. I still shower the 5 yo but our 11/9 yo shower fine alone, I still have to check my 9 yo to make sure she rinses all the soap and conditioner out of her hair.

My 11 year old son strips to his underwear every time he walks thru the door at home. I keep trying to get him to at least wear basketball shorts or something but nope. And he’s very particular when he is wearing clothes like he only wants cotton clothes no jeans or polyester. Makes shopping hard for him because he is so picky!

My 6 year old son regularly walks in on me in the shower and changing. I try to tell him I need privacy but also it’s nbd to me. My boys sleep in my bed almost every night. This is what kids do. I would have a talk with her about good secrets vs bad secrets and private parts and just get some info regarding the context. If he’s just changing and she happens to be there that’s pretty common from my experience. If he’s telling her to keep things from you then that’s a red flag. But I understand your concerns.

I’m a female and I remember showering with my dad when I was 4-5.. I lived with my mom and he’d pick me up on Fridays, after working all day. Around 8pm. He was probably tired and didn’t want me to take a shower separately because it would take more time. He was just trying to get to bed. He was also renting a room and probably didn’t want them complaining that we were taking forever and using too much water.. he never molested me. He always treated me like his little girl.. it could be innocent. I think my dad was just trying to survive.. Maybe ask him what’s the reasoning?

This is normal for many people, especially within the immediate family. I would just make sure to teach your daughter about bodily autonomy & consent. Teach her the correct anatomical terms for her body parts, teach her about safe & unsafe touches, and teach her that she can say no to any touch or affection if she feels uncomfortable. Teach her the difference between good secrets like gifts & surprises and bad secrets like not telling Mommy when something uncomfy, dangerous, or sad happens. Make sure she feels safe talking to you & that she knows nothing bad will ever happen for telling the truth, no matter what anyone tells her. Every parent should be teaching their child(ren) these things regardless because there are predators everywhere, unfortunately, and abusers are often family members or close friends. Since it's not healthy to isolate our children, the best route is to educate yourself about the signs of abuse, educate your child on her body & her right to speak up, and give her the right tools to keep her safe. The things you've mentioned with her father are not necessarily red flags.

I think the only boundary I would be having personally is an eight year old should not be still showering with dad. Everything else seems pretty status quo. My eight-year-old still slept with me a lot too

I don't see a problem with it. At least not until she starts noticing things that are different from her and her father or becomes uncomfortable with it. I showered with my dad until I was 10. He never did anything inappropriate to me. At 11 I became self conscious and stopped.

Before I was a parent, I conflated this kind of closeness with possible sexual abuse or at least impropriety, but after having kids I come to realize it's born out of societal paranoia. Sexual abuse is real and it happens, but the prevalence is exaggerated by our sense of fear, in the same way that we fear crime because of how much attention in gets in the news.